Return-Path: [cate3@netcom.com] Received: from netcom23.netcom.com by chamber.cco.caltech.edu with ESMTP (8.6.12/DEI:4.41) id PAA16562; Tue, 24 Oct 1995 15:20:30 -0700 From: cate3@netcom.com Received: by netcom23.netcom.com (8.6.12/Netcom) id MAA19416; Tue, 24 Oct 1995 12:05:10 -0700 Date: Tue, 24 Oct 1995 12:05:10 -0700 Message-Id: [199510241905.MAA19416@netcom23.netcom.com] Subject: Life F.8 To: jwry.dli@netcom.com Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com Status: R Date: 8 Sep 94 12:04:24 PDT (Thursday) Subject: Life F.8 To add yourself send to LISTSERV@UGA.bitnet the command SUB HUMOR Firstname Lastname, as the first line in the message ------------------------------------------------------------ From the humor list: HUMOR@uga.cc.uga.edu From: Doug Gwilliam [DOUGGW@WORDPERFECT.COM] As seen in the Salt Lake Tribune: The fact that fragments of comet Shoemaker-Levy 9 recently crashed violently into Jupiter came as absolutely no surprise as scientists had predicted the collision months before. What was a shock, though, is that so far, no personal injury lawsuits or insurance claims for damages have been filed. ------------------------------ From: Sheldon Cheney [scheney@NALUSDA.GOV] What do they call old men in Mexico? Seor citizens. What do you do with your old volkswagen when it doesn't run anymore? Take it to the old Volks home. Sign on the wall in an office: "The beatings will continue until morale improves. ------------------------------ From: Lloyd Johnston [ljohnsto@GPU.SRV.UALBERTA.CA] The Alberta provincial government and courts have made some strange decisions and statements. Here is one that is absolutely true (and scary). Note: It might help to know that there has been a public outcry over convicts committing violent crimes while out on day passes or parole. A psychologist at a prison, Bob Jones (a pseudonym), recommended early release for two convicts with violent records. The two convicts in question went on to kill again. In the ensuing investigation it was found that the psychologist was incompetent and was fired. This seems reasonable to me. Well old Jones then took his case to court on a wrongful dismissal suit. The court found that Jones was indeed wrongfully dismissed and ordered the prison to pay Jones full back pay (he was suspended for two years with the chance of dismissal) and to take him back. The grounds? He was not warned that his incompetence would cost him his job. Since when should a worker be warned incompetence will result in being fired. That's okay Mr. Engineer if your bridge collapsed, you won't be fired, you be able to screw up again tomorrow. ------------------------------ From: Doug Gwilliam [DOUGGW@WORDPERFECT.COM] As seen in the Salt Lake Tribune: President Clinton recently tripped while jogging in Washington. The stiffness in his walk is affecting his job. He's been mistaken three times for Al Gore. ------------------------------ From: Sheldon Cheney [scheney@NALUSDA.GOV] Two Oxford (England) students went rabbit hunting. One was an experienced hunter. The other was a complete neophyte. The experienced hunter told the neophyte to follow along behind him, walk quietly, and don't shoot anything until he gave the signal. They go off through the woods, then come out into a clearing where there are dozens of rabbits eating clover. The excited neophyte calls out, "Ecce! Cuniculae multi!" All the rabbits instantly disappear down rabbit holes. The experienced hunter is furious. He turns around and glares at the neophyte. The neophyte says, "Well, who would have thought rabbits would understand Latin?" ------------------------------ From: Elliott White III [ewhite@CS.WVU.EDU] To the tune of God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen: God rest ye CS students now, Let nothing you dismay. The VAX is down and won't be up, Until the first of May. The program that was due this morn, Won't be postponed, they say! Oh, tidings of comfort and joy, Comfort and joy, Oh, tidings of comfort and joy. The bearing on the drum are gone, The disk is wobbling, too. We've foudn a bug in Lisp, and Algol Can't tell false from true. And new we find that we can't get At Berkeley's 4.2 (chorus) ------------------------------ From: "Larson, Mark" [larsonm@CSS.ORST.EDU] "Without education, we are in the horrible and deadly danger of taking educated people seriously". G. K. Chesterfield ------------------------------ From: Ron Barak [barak.uneca@UN.ORG] Here and there we see a joke concerning St. Peter guarding the Pearly Gates. This prompts me to ask the following question: "who was guarding the gates before Saint Peter died ?" ------------------------------ From: Larry Randall [randall@MAILSTORM.DOT.GOV] I perform volunteer work at the Smithsonian and thought I would share a list of some of the stranger things that people have offered to donate. A live colony of bees. The worlds largest potato chip collection. The third largest bear in the world (the largest in Wisconsin). Its stuffed. 30,000 photographic slides of the Marquessa Islands in the South Pacific. A collection of refrigerator magnets (2500 +) A live, trained praying mantis A 10-12 foot python (It used to sleep with the callers son, but is now too big for the bed. A 103 year old horse. ------------------------------ From: Allan McKellar [gbibm5v7@IBMMAIL.COM] When I take a long time - I am slow When my boss takes a long time - He is thorough When I don't do it - I am lazy When my boss doesn't do it - He's too busy When I do it without being told - I'm trying to be smart When my boss does the same - That is initiative When I please my boss - That's creeping When my boss pleases his boss - That's co-operating When I do good - My boss never remembers When I do wrong - He never forgets ------------------------------ From: Doug Gwilliam [DOUGGW@WORDPERFECT.COM] As seen in the Salt Lake Tribune: On the most recent flight of Columbia, astronauts learned a valuable insight from their experiments with 500 fruit flies. Zero gravity makes them easier to swat. ------------------------------ From: Ed Johnson [EJOHNSO3@UA1VM.BITNET] In light of the U.S. Senate's passage last night of its "crime" bill, it seems appropriate to post the following to show that the truth is stranger (and sometimes funnier) than fiction. (WARNING: this may be offensive to the politically correct.) "This year will go down in history. For the first time, a civilized nation has full gun registration! Our streets will be safer, our police more efficient, and the world will follow our lead into the future." --Adolf Hitler, 1935 ------------------------------ From: Dan Hotopp [tron!ami1.bwi.wec.com!HOTOPP@UUNET.UU.NET] In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court. At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed. "Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination." "Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried." "How's that?" the lawyer asked. "I was afraid he was going to ask if the damned lantern was lit!" ------------------------------ From: Ed Lambert [ed.lambert@LIFESCAN.COM] President Clinton has been unable to persuade Cubans not to come to the United States. He promises universal health care, he promises three million jobs, he promises no more crime. These people aren't used to our political system...they think this stuff can really happen. Strikebound LA teachers rejected the school districts latest offer saying it was copied from a previous offer, contained too many erasures and misspellings, and was turned in late. Prosecutor Marcia Clark visited the eye doctor last week. Apparently she suffered eye strain from rolling her eyes every time Robert Shapiro opened his eyes. There are several movies out now with hard to believe themes such as "Angels in the Outfield" and "Mask". The most unbelievable is "The Client", where a lawyer takes a case for a dollar. ------------------------------ From: Warren Ferguson [aa159@SEORF.OHIOU.EDU] What does Ross Perot and a Yugo have in common? They're both small and ugly, and you never know when they're going to quit on you. ------------------------------ From: Ed [EJOHNSO3@UA1VM.BITNET] As part of its direct marketing program, J.C. Penneys sells life insurance over the phone. One of the oddest events these telemarketers had was when they received one phone call from a person wanting to buy life insurance. The person who answered the phone began writing the sale as normal until she got to the new customer's residence--he was on death row, due to be executed the next day. She had to decline the sale. When Cessna came out with a new corporate jet in the 60's, it was decided to use a major Madison Avenue ad agency for a direct marketing campaign aimed at executives of major organizations that currently have airplanes and so might be looking to step up to a new jet. In trying to create a direct mail package that would be novel enough to get to the top executives, it was decided to mail homing pigeons in tiny wooden crates. The idea was to have each executive attach a tiny message--indicating whether they wanted more information on the jet or not--to the leg of the pigeon and then release it. Unfortunately, some of the organizations selected for this mailing were third-world countries with representatives at the United Nations. Rather than release the pigeons, they ate them. ------------------------------ From: "The Meltz Inc." [mmeltzer@WAM.UMD.EDU] Heard on Paul Harvey News: The unemployment rate is still so bad in Lebanon, Indiana. In a post office, a sign was posted: WANTED for Armed Robbery 25 people responded ------------------------------ From: "Larson, Mark" [larsonm@CSS.ORST.EDU] "The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again." -Erma Bombeck ------------------------------ From: Warren Ferguson [aa159@SEORF.OHIOU.EDU] It was the West Virginians first night on the police force. The sergeant handed him a ticket book and said, "Your quota is twenty tickets. I don't want to see you back here until your quota is filled." Just three hours later the sergeant was surprised to see the officer walking through the door. "What in the hell do you think you're doing ?" the sergeant yelled. "I told you to write twenty parking tickets." The new officer replied, "Sir, I wrote 346 tickets." The sergeants jaw dropped. He inspected the West Virginians book, and sure enough, the total was right. His tone changed considerably and he said, "Son, good job. Now, do you have any questions?" "Just one," came the reply. "What exactly is a drive-in movie?" ------------------------------ From: Miroslav Otrisal [otr@FCE.VUTBR.CZ] Yesterday I was in K-Mart and I needed to buy a insecticide. The shop assistant gave me a spray "BIO KILL". The application was against gnats, cockroaches, flies, spiders, russians, bugs and anothers insect. That's pity that we could not buy this made before. The Russians were here in Czech Republic abundant. (Well, "Russian in Czech is also a kind of cockroach) ------------------------------ GUARD: "Halt! Who goes there?" ROOKIE: "Aw, you wouldn't know me. I just got here today." ------------------------------ From: The Pocket Book of War Humor edited by Bennett A. Cerf A young French soldier, confined to a Nazi prison camp, sent the following letter to his home. "Dear Folks: This is a beautiful camp. The Nazi officers in charge of us are perfect gentlemen. We get fine food and lots of it, and they have great entertainments arranged for us every night. I couldn't be happier. Your loving son, Francois. P.S. Uncle Pierre was shot last night for complaining. ------------------------------ From: Allan McKellar [gbibm5v7@IBMMAIL.COM] Subj: Are you comfortable or rich ? Comfortable is having two cars; rich is having two chauffeurs Comfortable is a house in the country; rich is a house in another country Comfortable is owning offshore investments; rich is owning offshore islands Comfortable is being able to hire an accountant; rich is being able to fire an accountant Comfortable is a large steak in a top restaurant; rich is a large stake in a top restaurant Comfortable is having a horse in a stable; rich is having a horse in the Derby Comfortable is being able to pay school fees; rich is not knowing what school fees are ------------------------------ From: Rowdy Welch [RWELCH@WTAMU-COMPUTER-CENTER.WTAMU.EDU] Pilot on intercom: "Folks, I have good & bad news. We're lost, but we're making excellent time!" ------------------------------ From: Rowdy Welch [RWELCH@WTAMU-COMPUTER-CENTER.WTAMU.EDU] Customer: "I'll have some lamb chops and have them lean." Waiter: "Forward or backward, sir?" ------------------------------ From: Rowdy Welch [RWELCH@WTAMU-COMPUTER-CENTER.WTAMU.EDU] The applicant for the job filled out the application form and said "No" to the question as to whether he had any dependents. "Say, you're married, aren't you?" asked the personnel manager. "Oh, sure," came the answer, "but my wife ain't dependable." ------------------------------ From: Rowdy Welch [RWELCH@WTAMU-COMPUTER-CENTER.WTAMU.EDU] Trying to determine why production had declined in a plant, an efficiency expert asked the company's personnel director, "How many of your employees are approaching retirement age?" "Well," replied the personnel director, "we haven't got any going the other way." ------------------------------ From: Emile Artus [GRARTUS@ECUVM1.BITNET] Foods taste blander in airplanes in part because cabin pressure dampens the dispersion of aromas. ------------------------------ From: Emile Artus [GRARTUS@ECUVM1.BITNET] There's more lemon in Lemon Pledge furniture polish then in Country Time Lemonade. ------------------------------ From: Ed Lambert [ed.lambert@LIFESCAN.COM] In The News - Excerpts from the LA Times After a round of golf with Microsoft founder Bill Gates, actor-director Paul Michael Glaser and Producer George Stevens, followed by dinner with Katherine Graham of the Washington Post, President Bill Clinton told reporters that there's nothing like a vacation to get back in touch with the common folk. During President Clinton's vacation at Martha's Vineyard, the Secret Service put signs up all over the place that read, "Please DO NOT feed the President". Fugitive hacker Justin Tanner Peterson was arrested Monday by the FBI in LA on charges that included hijacking radio station phone lines to win contests. If convicted, he faces up to 40 years in prison. When he gets out, however, he'll have 19 Ford Festivas and more than a dozen all expenses paid trips to Hawaii waiting for him. ------------------------------------------------------------ 1995 Copyright by Henry Cate III All Rights Reserved The above collection can be forwarded for non commercial use as long as the signature file below is included The individual entries of the Life Collection are owned by the individual contributors who should be contacted if you wish to forward their entry. -- * * * * Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com] * * * * * * To learn how to buy the entire Life Humor Collection send * E-Mail to life@netcom.com with "Info" in the Subject * or check out http://www.offshore.com.ai/lifehumor * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
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