From cate3@netcom.com Thu Oct 26 10:47:16 1995
From: cate3@netcom.com
Subject: Life F.9
To: jwry.dli@netcom.com
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
Date: 9 Sep 94 15:13:45 PDT (Friday)
Subject: Life F.9
------------------------------------------------------------
: Selections from fido.humor
A stranger joined a threesome on a public course on the first tee. "What do you
shoot?" they asked.
"78!" he replied.
On the first hole he got a seven. On the second hole he got a six. When they
got to the twelfth hole, he picked up his ball and said, "So long, fellas, I
got my 78!"
------------------------------
Charlie walks into Smitty's and is frantically searching all over the bar.
"Hey," says Smitty, "what's going on?"
"I lost my wallet," says Charlie.
"So you're looking for your wallet."
"No" says Charlie. "My buddy Bill found my wallet."
"Great," says Smitty, "so what are you looking for now?"
"Bill."
------------------------------
"How long can a person live without brains?"
"I don't know. How old are you?"
------------------------------
Don: She's a bright girl...she has brains enough for two.
Art: Then she's just the girl for you.
------------------------------
Susan couldn't stand her son's long hair any longer, so she dragged him with
her to the barbershop and ordered, "Give him a crew cut." The barber did just
that and, to Susan's amazement, she found she'd been bringing up somebody
else's son!
------------------------------
The reason the dog is known as man's best friend is probably because he gives
no advice, never tries to borrow money, and has no In-Laws.
------------------------------
Nugent needed legal advice, so he walked into the office of Gregory, Ellis
and Gregory. Nugent sat down at the desk of the senior member of the firm.
"If you're not rally in bad trouble, I'll take the case," said Gregory. "If
you're in a real jam and want to get out of it, my partner will handle it.
If, on the other hand, you're not involved and want to get in trouble, my
son, who just graduated from law school, will take it!"
------------------------------
A young Lawyer is approached by the devil, who shows him the two paths in
life to follow (the straight and narrow and well, you know...). Also shows
him hell, to which, as we all know, the latter path leads.
The young Lawyer observes masses of people enjoying all manner of earthly
pleasures, possessing all the goods than one might want, and in general,
enjoying themselves immensely. He chooses the devil's path and becomes the
stereotypical lawyer.
Years pass, no longer young person dies, goes to hell, and is greeted by the
devil. Is assigned to a cell, from which he observes people being subjected
to all manner of hideous tortures. He is told that his will start in the
morning.
Puzzled, the lawyer, who followed the devil's path to the very best of his
ability asks: "But what happened to what I saw when you showed this place to
me years ago when you "signed me up?"
Devil responds, "Oh, you must have been here during our summer associate
program."
------------------------------
Newly was relaxing in his club. "Say, do you think it'll rain?" he asked Gates,
a lawyer sitting next to him.
"I wouldn't say so," answered Gates. The next day Newly received a bill for
legal advice.
A week later they met again at the club, and Newly casually said, "Think we're
going to have war with Russia?"
"I doubt it," replied the lawyer.
The next day his bill arrived at Newly's home.
Newley took his bill and rushed to the club. He found Gates relaxing in an
armchair and stormed up to him.
"Listen, you shyster, you're a crook!" he shouted, "And remember, I'm not
asking, I'm telling!"
------------------------------
A worker was called on the carpet by his supervisor for talking back to his
foreman. "Is it true that you called him a liar?
"Yes, I did."
"Did you call him stupid?"
"Yes."
"And did you call him an opinionated, bullheaded egomaniac?"
"No, but would you write that down so I can remember it?"
------------------------------
Some people ask the secret of Anthony's long marriage. They take time to go
to a restaurant two times a week: a little candlelight dinner, soft music,
and a slow walk home. The Mrs. goes Tuesdays; He goes Fridays.
------------------------------
Delivering a speech at a banquet on the night of his arrival in a large
city, a visiting minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at
meetings the next day. Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he
requested the reporters to omit them from any accounts they might turn in to
their newspapers. A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his
piece with the following: "The minister told a number of stories that
cannot be published."
------------------------------
A tightwad was looking for a gift for a friend. Everything was too
expensive except for a glass vase that had been broken and he could purchase
it for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it, hoping his friend
would think it had been broken in transit.
In due time he received an acknowledgement: "Thanks for the vase," it read.
"It was so thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately."
------------------------------
Seated next to a blowhard at a United Nations dinner was an Oriental fellow
dressed in the robes of one of the Far Eastern countries.
The blowhard, attempting to make conversation, leaned over and said: "You
like soupee?" The Chinese fellow nodded his head. "You like steakee?"
The Oriental nodded again.
As it turned out, the guest speaker at the dinner was our Oriental friend
who got up and delivered a beautiful 50-minute address on the United
Nations' definition of "encouragement to self-reliance" by underdeveloped
countries of the world. The speech was in flawless Oxford English.
He returned to his place at the head of the table, sat down, and turned to
his dinner partner and said, "You like speechee?"
------------------------------
A traveling salesman was stranded in a small village. He asked one of the
locals if there was a movie in town. "No, Sir," the fellow replied.
"Any pool rooms?"
"No, Sir."
"How about bowling alleys?"
"Not a one."
"There surely must be some type of amusement in this town," the salesman
sighed. "Can you suggest something?"
The fellow thought for a moment and then remarked, "Why don't you come down to
the drugstore....there's a freshman home from college."
------------------------------
Tired of his low approval ratings, President Clinton called up the head of
the CIA and said, "I want your very best agent over here first thing in the
morning." Moments later, a call went out to the Middle East, and the most
gifted American agent was headed back to Washington.
The next morning, the agent was escorted into the Oval Office. The President
said, "I hear you're the best in the business. I can't trust what my staff
tells me. So I want you to visit every state in the union, every major city.
I want you to stay out on the road until you have an idea of what the vast
majority of Americans would like to see happen in the Oval Office.
Understand?"
The CIA agent responded affirmatively. He left the White House and wasn't
heard from for nearly four months. Finally, he showed up early on a Saturday
morning, and the President saw him immediately. The President said, "Did you
find out what an overwhelming majority of Americans want done here in this
office?"
"Yes, sir."
"Well, then, express the will of the people," Clinton ordered.
So the agent stood up, pulled out a gun, and shot him...
------------------------------
...Veni, Vedi, Clinti--I came, I saw, I lied.
------------------------------
Q. How can you jump off a 50-foot ladder and not get hurt?
A. Jump off the first step.
------------------------------
My wife is a great cook, but she is awfully confusing. When I make the
comment, "Nice buns," she kisses me, when I say, "Nice rolls," she slaps me.
------------------------------
A boy and a girl were out driving one evening. They came to a quiet spot on a
country lane, and the car stopped. "Out of gas," said the boy.
The girl opened her purse and pulled out a bottle.
"Wow!" said the boy. "A bottle....what is it?"
"Gasoline," said the girl.
------------------------------
A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him
that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet
of roses...one for each year of her life.
That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with
instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning.
As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man
was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the
bouquet.
The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him.
------------------------------
Two psychiatrists were walking down a hall. One turned to the other and said,
"Hello." The other one thought, "I wonder what he meant by that."
------------------------------
Mr. and Mrs. McKee, vacationing in Rome, were being shown through the
Colosseum.
"Now, this room," said the guide, "is where the slaves dressed to fight the
lions."
"But how does one dress to fight lions?" inquired Mr. McKee.
"Very slow-w-w-w-w-w-ly," replied the guide.
------------------------------
The proud father brought home a backyard swing set for his children and
immediately started to assemble it with all the neighborhood children
anxiously waiting to play on it. After several hours of reading the
directions, attempting to fit bolt A into slot B, etc., he finally gave up
and called upon an old handyman working in a neighboring yard.
The old-timer came over, threw the directions away, and in a short while had
the set completely assembled.
It's beyond me," said the father, "how you got it together without even
reading instructions."
"To tell the truth," replied the old-timer, "I can't read, and when you can't
read, you've got to think."
------------------------------
Classified Ad:
"Jack Nicklaus golf clubs, like new. Also bowling ball with case. Call
555-9675. If man answers, please hang up."
------------------------------
"Some people have no sense of humor and others have no sense or humor."
-- Susan L. Wiener
------------------------------
A fifth grader looked downcast, so her teacher asked, "What's the problem,
Carol? I hope it's not homework again."
"Well, uh, yes, it is." replied Carol. "I was stupid and made my homework
paper into a paper airplane."
"Carol, you're right, that wasn't a very bright thing to do," said the
teacher, "but this once I'll let you just unfold the paper and hand it in."
"Oh, but that won't work," said Carol, looking even sadder. "You see, the
plane was hijacked."
------------------------------
A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have
improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The head
of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to
interview him first.
"Tell me," said he, "if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do
you intend to do with your life?'
The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I
do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear
physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research
that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work
in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and
stressful."
"Marvelous," said the head of the institution.
"Or else," ruminated the inmate. "I might teach. There is something to be
said for spending one's life in bringing up a new generation of scientists."
"Absolutely," said the head.
"Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on
science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my
experiences in this fine institution."
"An interesting possibility," said the head.
"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue
to be a teakettle."
------------------------------
A high-school student came home from school seeming rather depressed.
"What's the matter, son," asked his mother.
"Aw, gee," said the boy, "It's my marks. They're all wet."
"What do you mean `all wet?'"
"I mean," he replied, "below C-level."
------------------------------
A young lady boarded a crowded bus after the lights had gone out. A tall man
standing near her asked if he could help her find a strap.
"Thank you," she replied, "but I have already found one."
"Then I wonder if you would mind letting go of my necktie!"
------------------------------
Two violinists were sawing their way through their piece at Carnegie Hall
before a most appreciative audience when one of the two, allowing his mind to
wander for a moment, lost his place. Desperately, he tried to listen to his
companion while continuing to play and finally he had no choice but to lean
toward the other and say out of the corner of his mouth, "Where the heck are
we?"
And his companion, continuing to saw calmly away, said, "In Carnegie Hall."
------------------------------
Finn and Huck were friends. Finn up and died. No one was worried, however.
They said: "Huck'll bury Finn."
------------------------------
My wife noticed our neighbor leaving for work...embrace his wife
passionately...and kiss her goodbye. "Now why can't you do that?" she asked
me.
"Don't be silly," I told her. I hardly know the woman."
------------------------------
A little boy wrote this letter to his grandmother:
Dear Grandmother,
I'm sorry I forgot your birthday last week. It would serve me right if you
forgot mine next Tuesday.
With love,
Mike
------------------------------
A boy ran into the general store very excited and exclaimed, "A bull is chasing
my Dad!"
"Dear me! There must be something I can do to help," said the storekeeper.
"There is," said the boy. "Put film in my camera!"
------------------------------
Heredity: What a man believes in until his son starts acting like a fool.
------------------------------------------------------------
1995 Copyright by Henry Cate III All Rights Reserved
The above collection can be forwarded for non commercial use
as long as the signature file below is included
The individual entries of the Life Collection are owned by
the individual contributors who should be contacted
if you wish to forward their entry.
--
* * * * Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com] * * * * *
* To learn how to buy the entire Life Humor Collection send
* E-Mail to life@netcom.com with "Info" in the Subject
* or check out http://www.offshore.com.ai/lifehumor
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Back to my Life Humor Page
Back to my humor page
Back to my home page