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Date: Wed, 1 Nov 1995 08:53:06 -0800
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Subject: Life F.A
To: jwry.dli@netcom.com
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
Status: R
Date: 12 Sep 94 11:59:10 PDT (Monday)
Subject: Life F.A
AmUsE is run by: john@jg.cso.uiuc.edu [John P. Mechalas]
------------------------------------------------------------
: Selections are from AmUsE
From: thomasc@athena.mit.edu (Thomas Wallace Colthurst)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Yesterday in my Harmonic Measures class, I was so bored that I started taking
notes in LaTeX. That is, instead of copying the symbols the prof wrote on the
board for, say, the integral of e to phi(x) d mu, I wrote down "$\integral
e^{\phi(x)} d\mu$".
And so on, for the last half hour of the class. I was really surprised with
how much longer it made the notes.
------------------------------
From: Alan R Meiss [ameiss@ecn.purdue.edu]
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
Dear Editor,
Please, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, print this letter!
Thank you,
J.H.
------------------------------
From: Alan R Meiss [ameiss@ecn.purdue.edu]
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR
Dear Editor:
I must point out a glaring error made on last Tuesday's obituary page. I am
not, in fact, dead, as you reported. Nor is my name even Clarence Fenbrook,
as you stated, it is Roger Wembly, and I am a spritely 52 years of age rather
than the figure of 74 you printed. I am also neither a Shriner nor an
enthusiast of Naval History as your piece reported. In fact, absolutely
nothing at all in your article was correct! I believe you have a
responsibility to the community to get your facts straight, and I hope you
will do so in the future.
Undeceasingly yours,
Roger Wembly
------------------------------
From: marko.rukonic@eft.hr (Marko Rukonic)
"Hello! hello!? is this the fire-brigade?"
"Yes, can I help you, sir?"
"Well, I just want you to know that my wife planted some wonderful flowers in
our garden last week!!"
"I can't see what has it got to do with us, really, sir??"
"... and that my lawn is carefully looked after!!"
"Really, sir, this is the fire-brigade, if it's not an urgent matter..."
"... and you'll want to know that my strawberries are the juiciest in town!!!"
"I don't care, will you listen to me!!!? Why on earth are you telling me
that?!"
"Well, my neighbor's house is on fire, and I don't want you to tread onto my
lawn accidentally!"
------------------------------
From: hansg@risken.vd.volvo.se (Hans Granqvist)
Subject: Re: MAKE ME RICH QUICK TOO
Now opening! The very first MRC!
The MRC (Money Recycling Center) takes great interest in the world in which we
live. For years, we have watched how the monetary flows constantly pour in one
direction: away from us.
Therefore, we now proudly open the world's premiere MRC, the purpose of which
is to recycle some of the vast quantities of coins and notes (bills). The
ratified recycling process will ensure a solid inward flow of money to help
keep the MRC growing and prospering.
All the money you want to give will gladly be accepted. You will get nothing in
return, not even a thank you, so don't soothe your conscience on this one!
And if you don't want to give me, er, the MRC, any money, all that's valuable
will suffice!
Hans Granqvist
Foreningsgatan 41
S-411 27 GOTEBORG
SWEDEN
------------------------------
From: nuessle@vax1.umkc.edu
My best friend (and the actual owner of his account) has a long history of
wrapping decent presents in absurd and "difficult" ways. His wrapping paper
has included:
He gave his sister plane tickets to see her boyfriend wrapped in a box made of
bricks and mortar, with bronze wire made into a bow.
Another sister received a set of handmade earrings surrounded by chocolate
covered rice crispy treats and wrapped in foil to look like a giant Hershey
kiss.
His dad's retirement gift (a folding rocking chair) was encased in concrete.
His sister's graduate present (gift cert) floating in a assumed unopened 55
gallon trash can full of water and painted to look like a hersey syrup can.
Over the years, my presents have been:
In concrete
Puzzle boxes
Yarn balls
macrame boxes
inside of a teak box with no seams
inside of a welded metal pipe.
the crowning glory was a wedding present for one sister, wrapped in a box of
mirrors, with a set of wedding rings made out of barbed wire on top.
------------------------------
I just bought a new motorcycle helmet from Shoei...as with all Shoei helmets, a
lengthy well thought out instruction manual was included. All the normal
warnings were bolded or highlighted for extra attention. Things were pretty
dry until I fell upon the following statement concerning the proper securing of
chin strap:
"WARNING!! Failure to properly secure chin strap could prevent the helmet from
flying off the head during an accident!"
Hmmm...am I missing something here?
There's a sign on Interstate 80 in the middle of Pennsylvania that says:
MILE RUN
2 Miles
I've always thought that if a mile run is 2 miles long, I wonder how long a
marathon is.
------------------------------
I was up in Northern Minnesota this weekend in a heavily wooded area and passed
a sign that said:
-----------------
| CAUTION |
| FALLING DUCKS |
| |
| NEXT 2 MILES |
------| |-------
| |
| |
Now will someone please explain what the hell this is supposed to mean and what
I am supposed to do in the event of a falling duck?
------------------------------
We have a sign just off the end of the main runway of our local airport that
says:
NO
STOPPING
LOW
FLYING
AIRCRAFT
...and I always wondered: Just how WOULD you stop a low flying aircraft in the
first place?
------------------------------
From: Damian Penny [dpenny@ganymede.cs.mun.ca]
I haven't seen THE LION KING yet, but I'm wondering how Disney can get away
with releasing a movie that's only a half-minute long! All the ads call it
"Disney's thirty second-animated feature..."
------------------------------
From: DREWKIM@BROWNVM.brown.edu
Two submissions, both from the Chronicle of Higher Education:
]From the Northern Illinois University paper, Northern Star, an article on
"disability etiquette":
"Never pet, play with, or give commands to a person using a guide dog without
owner approval".
(Sit, Ubu, Sit. *woof* Good human!).
------------------------------
From: dmccart@gomez.intel.com (D. J. McCarthy)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
Subj: Short shameful review of "Bad Girls"
"One and a half hours in the Western Outlaw Barbie Playset"
------------------------------
From: thoth@netcom.com (Ben Cox)
]From the /etc/motd on CMU's Andrew workstations:
Wed Apr 13 10:01:20 1994
Please do not forward chain letters via electronic mail. Both the Student
Handbook and the online help documentation regarding external posting
privileges (help networks-access) explicitly state that it is forbidden to
send chain letters using CMU computing facilities. If you receive chain
letters, please forward a copy to advisor+@andrew.cmu.edu.
------------------------------
From: Rob.Lada@f250.n620.z3.fidonet.org (Rob Lada)
Doctor: `Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body?'
Tom: `Shhh, doctor! My dog's outside in the waiting room!'
------------------------------
From: Rob.Lada@f250.n620.z3.fidonet.org (Rob Lada)
Liz: `I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests!'
Doctor: `Never mind, you'll pass eventually'.
Liz: `But I'm the examiner!'
------------------------------
From: Rob.Lada@f250.n620.z3.fidonet.org (Rob Lada)
Trish: `My tummy is getting awfully big, doctor'.
Doctor: `You should diet'.
Trish: `Really? What color?'
------------------------------
The only reason they let the father of the bride walk down the aisle is so the
creditors can be certain who to chase.
------------------------------
The latest bumper sticker going around is totally blank. It's for people who
can't read.
------------------------------
Where are we going to put all of the criminals? Prisons and the government are
already overflowing.
------------------------------
Advice is something the wise don't need, fools won't take, and the average
person is overstocked with.
------------------------------
A successful politician is one who can stand on a fence and make people believe
it's a platform.
------------------------------
A centipede is an inchworm that has switched to the metric system.
------------------------------------------------------------
: Selections from: bits-n-bytes@acad1.dana.edu
Begin To add yourself send to LISTSERV@acad1.dana.edu with the command SUB
bits-n-bytes Firstname Lastname, as the first line in the message
"The real danger is not that computers will begin to think like men, but that
men will begin to think like computers." - Sydney J. Harris
------------------------------
Computing by Candlelight
Innovation is outstripping assimilation. We are falling further and further
behind in exploiting technology's potential for ease of use and enhanced
interactivity. . . I look at the intuitive, no-hassle operating convenience
that users expect -- and get -- from all manner of home entertainment
electronics, and I wonder if their makers know something our vendors don't. . .
. Why should we have to play so patiently with our onerous workstations? As a
user, I'm tired already. Give me a Nintendo "Business Boy," or maybe a Sony
"Workman" with full audio and video I/O capabilities.
(Max D. Hopper, "Computing by candlelight," Computerworld, 4/12/93, p. 33.)
------------------------------
Scientists believe that the universe is made of hydrogen because they claim
it's the most plentiful ingredient. I claim the most plentiful ingredient is
stupidity.
- Frank Zappa, 1993
------------------------------
"The Americans have need of the telephone, but we do not. We have plenty of
messenger boys."
-Sir William Preece, chief engineer of the British Post Office, 1876
------------------------------
Inside The Programmer's Mind
Last among the essential personality traits for programming, we might add a
sense of humor. The computer "Doth make fools of us all," so that any fool
without the ability to share a laugh on himself will be unable to tolerate
programming for long. It has been said with great perspicacity that the
programmer's national anthem is "AAAAHHHH!" Then we finally see the light, we
see how once again we have fallen into some foolish assumption, some oafish
practice, or some witless blunder. Only by singing the second stanza "Ha Ha Ha
Ha Ha," can we long endure the role of clown.
(from The Psychology of Computer Programming by Gerard M. Weinberg)
------------------------------
"Computers are useless. They can only give you answers." Pablo Picasso
------------------------------
The Count To Three Principle
Paradoxically, one way to master the power of a tool is to probe its
weaknesses. Thus we offer the Count-to-Three Principle:
IF YOU CANNOT THINK OF AT LEAST THREE WAYS OF ABUSING A TOOL, YOU DO NOT
UNDERSTAND HOW TO USE IT.
[Gerard M. Weinberg, An Introduction To General Systems Thinking John Wiley and
Sons, 1975]
------------------------------
FREE Advice: Tips For Speaking To A Crowd
The six signals all audiences want to hear:
1) I will *not* waste your time.
2) I know who *you* are.
3) I am well *organized*.
4) I *know* my subject.
5) Here is my most *important* point.
6) I am *finished*.
------------------------------
If privacy is outlawed, only outlaws will have privacy.
-Cypherpunk Saying
------------------------------
A Giant Leap... Sideways?
For $99, Signature Software of Portland, Oregon will scan your handwriting into
a MacIntosh and convert it into your own personalized Postscript font. This
should be ideal for doctors and pharmacists who want to move into the digital
age but still maintain that aura of complete unintelligibility when printing
out prescriptions or directions for taking medication. (CONTACT: Signature
Software: 508/386-3221) (SOURCE: Black Ice, Issue #1, January 1993)
------------------------------
"It is unworthy of excellent [people] to lose hours like slaves in the labor of
calculation"
- Baron Gottfried Wilhelm Von Leibniz(1646-1716)
------------------------------
"I considered preaching, but preachers don't make a lot and have to work hard."
- Willie Nelson
------------------------------
"There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know
absolutely nothing about." -Anon.
------------------------------
"If a man empties his purse into his head, no man can take it from him. An
investment in knowledge always pays the best interest."
-Benjamin Franklin
------------------------------
Next to acquiring good friends, the best acquisition is that of good books.
- Colton
------------------------------
"But soon, soon, soon... the world will be a better place, with meadows and
bunnies and fiber optics in every home..."
-- Tom Dowdy, Apple Computer
------------------------------
Virtual Nations
"In two years, there will be more network users than residents of any state in
the United States. In five years there will be more network users than citizens
of any single country except India or China. What will happen when McLuhan's
global village becomes one of the largest countries in the world? Using two-way
communications, not broadcast? And crossing boundaries of space, time, and
politics?"
(John Quartermain, "How Big is the Matrix," Matrix News 2, no. 2, quoted in The
Virtual Community (see B&B Bookshelf)
------------------------------
"But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the system,
in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, analyzed, and replaced
with new weaknesses."
- Bruce Leverett, "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers"
------------------------------
*This newsletter is printed on 100% recycled electrons*
------------------------------
I programmed three days and heard no human voices. But the hard disk sang.
- Jay Machado
------------------------------
A small startup company in New York City could soon have the lowest
long-distance rate of all: FREE. The only catch would be the radio- like
commercials would periodically interrupt your chat. "Why don't you catch up on
old times in person -- American Airlines fares from Philadelphia to Atlanta
have never been better."
This concept is also being considered as an option in the brave new world of
online entertainment -- you'd pay a fee to see the commercial-free version, but
those willing to put up with the ads do so on a See-For-Free (tm) basis. The
commercials in effect subsidize your TV-viewing pleasure. This is actually the
situation now. Things will just be spelled out more clearly, and consumers will
have more say in how TV interacts with their lives. (SOURCE: Business Week,
8/16/93)
------------------------------
"Why spend thousands of dollars on a personal computer? Why not spend your
money on something fun, like a boat?" -- A question put to David V. Evans, VP
and director of IS at J.C. Penney, when Evans bought his first PC in 1982.
Evans replied, "That PC is my boat -- that's what I like to play with on
weekends" (Information Week)
------------------------------
THE SOUNDS OF WORK can now be purchased on a 90-minute cassette. This is ideal
for one man offices or telecommuters who want callers to think they're working
in a busy office. The tape, from Nextech, features the sounds of doors closing,
phones ringing, typewriters clacking, drawers banging, and unintelligible
voices droning in the background.
(Atlanta Journal/Constitution 11/3/93 F2) (E/P)
------------------------------
Dig this, man! The groovy folks at the WELL (Whole Earth 'Lectronic Link), one
of the premier online communities, are hosting a WWW hookup to over 300 pages
made by concert goers at Woodstock '94 using a special program called the
Woodstock Immortalizer. Heavy. Grok people's Tales from this new gathering of
the tribes, groove to the mellow sounds and dig the trippy pictures from
Woodstock '94. Feel the colors. BE the music. You get my drift. Just be careful
not to blow your mind
What would your capitalist pig boss say? The site curator sez:
"THIS IS A BIG SITE!!! Lots to see and do!" So truck on down to:
URL: http://www.well.com/woodstock/
and flash back to those golden moments when time stood still and -- I forget
what happened then...
------------------------------------------------------------
1995 Copyright by Henry Cate III All Rights Reserved
The above collection can be forwarded for non commercial use
as long as the signature file below is included
The individual entries of the Life Collection are owned by
the individual contributors who should be contacted
if you wish to forward their entry.
--
* * * * Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com] * * * * *
* To learn how to buy the entire Life Humor Collection send
* E-Mail to life@netcom.com with "Info" in the Subject
* or check out http://www.offshore.com.ai/lifehumor
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
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