From cate3@netcom.com Wed Nov 15 09:29:24 1995
From: cate3@netcom.com
Subject: Life F.D
To: jwry.dli@netcom.com
Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com
Date: 12 Sep 94 12:20:03 PDT (Monday)
Subject: Life F.D
------------------------------------------------------------
: Selections from Humor by art@midnight.com (Art Mellor)
From: peter@bert.psyc.upei.ca (Beaker)
I do some volunteer work for the FreeNet here, right? And I was sitting in
the office answering the phone. (The support line) I was going through the
usual "You forgot your password? Well I can change it for you" thing when this
man calls. I think the best way to tell this is to just type out the
conversation...
ME (DANA): Good afternoon, National Capital Freenet!
MAN: Hello. My name is Tanner, and I'm having trouble getting to Freenet.
D: Okay, what kind of trouble?
M: Well, it's always busy, and when I get through nothing happens.
D: Yes, it's usually busy because we have 19 000 registered users and 98
phonelines. But when you do connect, do you hit your return key 5 times? You
need to do that to connect properly.
M: No. [pauses]
D: Yes, well try doing that. It should work.
N: [angry] My telephone doesn't have a return key you know!
D: [speechless for a second] What number are you calling?
M: 564-3600 [Note: this *is* the correct modem number]
D: With your telephone?
M: Yes.
D: Errr....it won't work, you need a computer to do that....
M: $#@!!*(&) [hangs up]
(I feel entirely guilty finding this amusing...but it was just a shock...)
------------------------------
True story:
Last night, undercover police in Pompano Beach, FL staged a drug sting with
two pounds of cocaine to rope in some suspected high-level dealers. As the
bust went down the buyers and sellers both reached for their wallets at the
same time. The buyers:
Undercover cops from Ft. Lauderdale!
------------------------------
From: sandra@Cayman.COM (Sandra Mahar)
I called the company number and this is what I heard:
Hello! You have reached xxxx!
If you have a touch tone phone you can get information easily at any time. If
you have a rotary phone, or if your VCR at home is still blinking 12:00, press
zero now.
then it goes on to list the dept directories.
------------------------------
From: Wayne Radinsky (Rho)
Seen in the June issue of "New Media":
"It is not encouraging to read that in January, Mykotronix, the Torrance,
California, company that received a no-bid contract to manufacture the Clipper
chips, had such poor internal security that the company's digital files
detailing corporate financial arrangements with the NSA were stolen and posted
on the Internet."
------------------------------
From: LIEvans@aol.com
Cool Part One: I saw Rosie O'Donnel on "Late Show with David Letterman" the
other night. She is in the stage production of "Grease" (she plays Rizzo) and
was playing in D.C. in a special performance for the President and Mrs.
Clinton. She said that the night the president was there, the entire cast had
to walk through several metal detectors before they entered the stage. There
were also sharpshooters in the balconies. During the scene where one of her
co-stars takes out a prop gun and waves it around, she said she could see a
small red laser dot of light positioned right in the center of his forehead!
She said she was just thinking What if he sneezes? This guy's brains are going
to be splattered all over the backdrop!
Cool Part Two: I wrote to Rosie O'Donnel on the Internet and asked her if this
story was really true. She confirmed that it was!
------------------------------
From: Mark Schlepphorst/Voice Processing Corp
After Jackie O. died Teddy went to the Kennedy compound in Hyannis to tell Rose
the bad news.
Teddy walked in and said, "Ma, I have horrible news, Jackie is dead."
Rose looked at him and frowned,"Ohh.. Teddy, please tell me you weren't driving
again!"
------------------------------
From: aschoolsky@aol.com (ASchoolsky)
Newsgroups: rec.antiques
Subj: Attention Collectors: Apple I (yes, I) for sale!
For Sale: APPLE I computer, original manual, cassette interface manual, sales
literature. One of only about 500 made. Soliciting offers. No tire kickers,
please. Emails OK, but please also send your phone number for a faster
response.
------------------------------
From: gglater@id.wilder.com (Glen B. Glater)
Heard a report on BUR/NPR this AM about netcash. Apparently, the Gov't is
trying to decide if they are a bank that needs to be regulated (they are not
regulated now), and another company is developing a competing plan.
------------------------------
From: "Hegger, Louis"
Also, a guy here at work thought he saw writing on the inside of the label, and
so peeled it back to discover the following message:
Do Not Remove This Label The purpose of this label is to alert consumers of
"OK" brand soda to the purpose of this label, which has not yet been
determined.
It is known, however, that those who have removed the label have later
experienced abrupt "changes" of an emotional, psychic, or financial nature. Of
course, the "changes" are unrelated to removal of the label. Furthermore, it is
known that many who left the label intact have gone on to lead happy,
productive lives. Again--pure coincidence.
Still, we cannot urge you strongly enough: Drink "OK" soda freely to alleviate
thirst, etc. And please--neither molest nor remove this label.
------------------------------
From: Brian Moura [76702.1337@compuserve.com]
The traffic sign reminded me of my all-time favorite traffic sign, on the
Anacostia Freeway just outside of Washington, DC:
_________________________
I I
I CIA I
I Keep Right I
I I
_________________________
I I
I I
:start
Newsgroups: comp.dcom.telecom
Subj: Fire Safety On Internet
SAN CARLOS PROVIDES ON-LINE FIRE SAFETY TIPS
Internet Web Pages Show How to Protect Your Home from Fire
SAN CARLOS, CA -- August 25, 1994 -- The City of San Carlos announced
today that it has posted a fire safety tutorial on the Internet. The
information teaches San Carlos citizens how to prevent hillside brush and
wildland files as well as tips for fire safety in all parts of the City.
It also includes a full color diagram on how to create a proper fire break
for hillside residents.
Mayor Tom Davids said "We are very pleased to be presenting information on
how to make your home fire safe on the Internet. It is our hope that
distributing this information on the Internet will reach people who may
not have seen the earlier fire safety brochure from South County Fire on
this important topic. As an added bonus, our efforts may protect homes in
other communities which can be very important during a dry fire season
such as the one we are experiencing this year."
Accessing the Fire Safety Information
The fire safety tips and tutorial are available on the City of San Carlos
World Wide Web server pages on the Internet. Users with Internet access
should select "Fire Safety Tips and Fire Department News" from the City of
San Carlos Home Page to see this information. The City of San Carlos Web
server is at:
http://www.abag.ca.gov/abag/local_gov/city/san_carlos/ schome.html) and the
City Hall Internet E-Mail box is at scarlos@crl.com.
------------------------------
From: "MARY MALMROS" [mary_malmros@sankatyhead.wellfleet.com]
]From the Rocky Mountain High Altitude Rescue Squad:
CLIMB CAREFULLY!
(If you die we split your gear)
------------------------------
From: sestrada@aldea.com (Susan Estrada)
"Doing business without advertising is like winking at a girl in the dark: You
know what you are doing but nobody else does." Ed Howe
------------------------------------------------------------
: Selections are from the Subgenius Digest, to join send a request to:
Subgenius-request@mc.lcs.mit.edu
From: Michael L Turyn [mturyn@world.std.com]
The explanation of why "Xxxenophile" isn't on TV doesn't go far enough. Sure,
the folks at Palliard Press haven't done it yet, but why HASN'T money fallen
from the sky into their laps so that they could?
The answer is simple: Conspiracy.
------------------------------
From: jfw@eddie.mit.edu
Subj: Out of my mind until July 5th, 1998
I'm out of my mind on business until 7/5/98.
If you have questions about Oracle CoAuthor, please report for carbon recycling
immediately.
------------------------------
From: "D. V. Henkel-Wallace" [gumby@cygnus.com]
Yesterday I drove into work behind a car bearing (only) these two bumper
stickers right next to each other:
+----------------+--------------------+
| JESUS IS LORD! | QUESTION AUTHORITY |
+----------------+--------------------+
------------------------------
From: dryfoo@mit.edu
Every year, MIT's frosh participate in an enormous housing lottery to determine
where they'll be living. This year, they used the campus computer network to
enter their preferences and receive the results.
Some smart folks got hold of a sample of the official-style results letters,
and sent just a few of their own:
[lots of forwards removed]
From: house-lottery@PAN.MIT.EDU
Date: Tue, 30 Aug 94 07:59:51 1994
Message-Id: [6197832473.AA37619@PAN.MIT.EDU]
Subject: Your Fall Term Housing Assignment
To: some poor frosh
Dear Freshperson:
We are pleased to inform you of your new MIT Institute Housing Assignment for
the coming Fall term of 1994. You have been assigned to room: 57-014
In many dormitories, this room assignment is merely a temporary arrangement
until the dorm housing authorities can coordinate a more permanent assignment
within said dormitory.
You should carefully consult a map of the campus found within your
"Hitchhiker's Guide" to locate the aforementioned room. Some of you at this
point may notice that you have been given a less traditional housing
assignment. Please read the rest of this message carefully for an explanation
of your housing situation.
Each year, far more freshpersons are admitted to the Institute than we have
facilities to house. In the past, we have been occasionally compelled by
circumstances to "crowd" some number of students into large dormitory rooms
designed for 2 or 3 fewer people. To compensate, a generous 25% reduction in
rent was offered to these students in accordance with Commonwealth of
Massachusetts health and fire safety codes. Alternatively, we have resorted to
placing some number of students together in a large barracks-like area in one
of the campus athletic facilities or in the spacious basement of one of the
graduate dormitories.
Unfortunately, despite our best efforts, a handful of those few hundred
students who have been assigned to these living arrangements found them to be
somewhat undesirable.
You will be happy to know that this year we have given more careful thought to
the needs and desires of the students most affected by these arrangements. We
have hired several specialists in undergraduate housing psychology and, at
great expense to the Institute, we have devised some very exciting new options
for several students. You are one of the lucky few randomly chosen to have
their requests withdrawn from the normal housing lottery to allow you to
participate in this innovative new housing experiment. We are confident you
will find this to be a delightful educational experience and a pleasurable way
to start your student career here at MIT.
Specifically, we have arranged for you to share a four person room with five
other persons in a specially renovated space adjoining the Alumni Pool. You
will have an exquisite view of the pool through a newly installed plexiglass
wall in the diving well. This aquatic living arrangement will easily
accommodate all your personal hygienic needs. As a special benefit, you will
have first priority access to the swimming pool. We expect that this will
provide you with ample opportunity to effortlessly pass the swimming test which
is mandatory for all MIT students.
Please be sure to go to your new housing assignment as soon as possible to
check in with the housing personnel awaiting your arrival. Assignments within
rooms will be done on a first-come, first-serve basis. We will do everything
we can to make this an enjoyable first term for you and your roommates.
Arrangements are already being made in the event that you may choose to extend
this experiment into the second term.
If you have any questions or concerns regarding this arrangement please do not
hesitate to directly contact our offices. You can arrange to meet with the
housing consultants who helped devise this housing program so that you may
thank them in person. They are:
Dr. James Tetazoo, Ph.D. Dr. Jaqueline Rann, D.o.M.
3-120 2-214
Phone: 9-936-4225 Phone: 9-637-3761 ext.#9
Enjoy your new housing assignment and have an exciting first term here at
Tech!
Sincerely,
Jack Florey, B.S.
Dean of Freshperson Housing Assignments
P.S. The following digital signature tracking sequence is automatically
appended to the end of all official Institute e-mails so that you need not
worry about being deceived by fraudulent messages from un-authorized sources.
If you receive any apparently official Institute e-mails which lack this exact
verification signature, you can be sure they are in fact not authentically
originated.
BEGIN KERBEROS E-MAILS AUTO-AUTHENTICATION SIGNATURE
Version: 5.0
MITXXXACHgcv69CgCAcVGCCCCAK6c96c6ca6cCh63487854317844874SAE236x87362DKE123823989ADPruLZ123898813FlOrEyIzGoB23B1FFizzzK00Ld00D82aIHTFP2v45v4vq45v5554gx42424242ElV1sHEliVZBYgoB123asdkjh?1238zadhzoink12656SNARK9912386MunKiSPunK66712388123987123dk12985jdkw
END KERBEROS E-MAILS AUTO-AUTHENTICATION SIGNATURE
Other room assignments included the campus chapel, the boathouse, a closet in a
lecture hall, the president's living room, etc.
------------------------------------------------------------
1995 Copyright by Henry Cate III All Rights Reserved
The above collection can be forwarded for non commercial use
as long as the signature file below is included
The individual entries of the Life Collection are owned by
the individual contributors who should be contacted
if you wish to forward their entry.
--
* * * * Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com] * * * * *
* To learn how to buy the entire Life Humor Collection send
* E-Mail to life@netcom.com with "Info" in the Subject
* or check out http://www.offshore.com.ai/lifehumor
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
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