From cate3@netcom.com Tue Nov 21 13:35:15 1995 From: cate3@netcom.com Subject: Life F.E To: jwry.dli@netcom.com Reply-to: cate3@netcom.com Date: 14 Sep 94 13:57:04 PDT (Wednesday) Subject: Life F.E ------------------------------------------------------------ : Selections from fido.humor Saw a cartoon captioned "Baseball players try to re-enter the real world." A scruffy looking guy in a baseball uniform is at the door of a woman's house and says, "Cut your lawn for $23,000?" ------------------------------ Judge: "Please explain to the jury, one more time, exactly what happened". "Well, I was standing around the corner of the building, cleaning my fingernails with my knife, and this guy ran around the corner and ran into my knife". Judge: "So, so........hmmmmmmmmm, and this happened 17 times"? ------------------------------ The harried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear. "How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a day are you having?" "Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples to dinner tonight." The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. "Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once." "George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?" "Why, George! Your husband!....Is this 223-1374? "No, It's 223-1375." "Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number." There was a short pause and the housewife said, "Does this mean you're not coming over?" ------------------------------ Because of a computer error, Bill Lewis' paycheck envelope contained a blank check. "Look, he said, showing the check to his wife, "this is what I've been afraid of! My deductions have finally caught up with my salary." ------------------------------ A lady stalled in traffic was trying to start her car. The man behind her was honking his horn. After five minutes of the horn blaring in her ear, she walked to the man's car and told him that if he would try to start her car, she would replace him in honking his horn. ------------------------------ The Church choir was putting on a car wash to raise money to pay their expenses for a special trip. They made a large sign, CAR WASH FOR CHOIR TRIP, and on the given Saturday business was very good. But by two o'clock the skies clouded and the ran poured and there were hardly any customers. Finally, one of the girl washers had an idea. She printed a very large poster which said, WE WASH (then an arrow pointing skyward) GOD RINSES. Business boomed! ------------------------------ Tired of asking the same old questions of the day's arrivals, Saint Peter decided to ask about their automobiles. When asked what kind of car he'd driven, one said, "A Toyota." Saint Peter pushed a button and the applicant fell through a hole into the fiery depths below. A second drove a Mercedes. He too went down through the hole. A third said, "I drove a Chevy." Saint Peter opened the gates wide. "Come on in," he said. " You've been through hell already!" ------------------------------ A little publicized Grammy Award: In the category, best new government artist "Baby, Give it Back" by Sir Tax-a-Lot (William Jefferson Clinton) ------------------------------ "Mr President," said one of his aides, "I was wondering, sir, if it might be possible for my son to work somewhere in the White House." "Of course," replied the president. "What does he do?" The aide threw up his hands and said, "Nothing." "Excellent," noted the president. "We won't even have to train him." ------------------------------ Irene's mother was visiting her daughter and son-in-law Bill. Bill came home from work and found six vacuum cleaner salesmen outside his house. He dashed in and said, "Mom, there are six men outside who all claim they have an appointment for a vacuum cleaner demonstration!" "That's right," the mother-in-law replied. "Now you just show them all to different rooms and let them start demonstrating." ------------------------------ DID YOU KNOW? The Bible tells us to love our neighbors and also to love our enemies, probably because they are generally the same people. ------------------------------ DID YOU KNOW? An executive is a person who can take two hours for lunch without anybody missing him. ------------------------------ DID YOU KNOW? The rock 'n' roll singer who wore a hearing aid for three years just found out he only needed a haircut. ------------------------------ DID YOU KNOW? Nobody is sicker than the man who is sick on his day off. ------------------------------ DID YOU KNOW? A modern murderer is supposed to be innocent until he/she is proven insane. ------------------------------ Searching for a cheap fare to Europe, Charles and Carol Baxter see an ad for a ten-day cruise at the astonishing price of $200 per person. Arriving at the pier, they are surprised to find an exact replica of an ancient Roman galleon. Even the stewards are dressed in ancient Roman garb. "Isn't this romantic?" says Carol as they board the ship and are shown to their room. As the gangplank is lifted, they hear their names being called through a megaphone by one of the stewards. "Baxters. Charles and Carol Baxter, please report to the lower deck!" When they get to the deck, a steward checks then in. "Baxters? it's your turn at the oars." "Oars?" says Charles, "What oars?" "Just come with me." He leads them to the bottom of the ship, where the Baxters are immediately chained along with forty other couples, all of whom are rowing steadily to the rhythm of an enormous kettledrum played upon by a ferocious armored guard. Whenever the pace slows, a midget centurion walks down the aisle flailing a whip. They row for ten days, receiving only meager rations of bread and water. Finally, at the end of the tenth day, they arrive in Marseilles. As they stagger back to their rooms to pick up their luggage, Charles turns to Carol and whispers, "By the way, how much are we supposed to tip the drummer?" ------------------------------ Some years ago, when mules were still widely used, a visitor to a stable watched a worker skillfully managing a rather lively mule. The visitor asked, "Does that mule ever kick you?" "No, sir," the stable hand replied, "but he frequently kicks the place where I recently was." ------------------------------ "Dave La Camera," asked the judge severely, "did you steal this man's saw?" "Naw, judge__not me. I only took it for a joke." "How far did you carry it?" "Only from his house to mine__about three miles." "Ten days," the judge sighed. "That was carrying a joke too far!" ------------------------------ "How'd the golf game go today, Dear? Did you win?" "No, but I got a lot of practice. I got to hit the ball more than anyone else." ------------------------------ "How's your golf game these days, Grace?" "Pretty good. I'm shooting in the low seventies." "Honestly?" "What the heck has that got to do with it?" ------------------------------ "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course," sighed Mac, the golfer. "Try heaven," advised the caddie. "You've already moved most of the earth." ------------------------------ "Sweetheart, today is our wedding anniversary. Do you remember that great day in our lives?" "Boy, do I! Why, that was the day I sank a twenty-five foot putt!" ------------------------------ A group of golfers were telling tall stories. At last came a veteran's turn. "Well," he said, "I once drove a ball, accidently of course, through a cottage window. The ball knocked over an oil lamp and the place caught on fire." "What did you do?" asked his friends. "Oh," said the veteran, "I immediately teed another ball, took careful aim, and hit the fire alarm on Main Street. That brought out the fire engine before any major damage was done." ------------------------------------------------------------ 1995 Copyright by Henry Cate III All Rights Reserved The above collection can be forwarded for non commercial use as long as the signature file below is included The individual entries of the Life Collection are owned by the individual contributors who should be contacted if you wish to forward their entry. -- * * * * Henry Cate III [cate3@netcom.com] * * * * * * To learn how to buy the entire Life Humor Collection send * E-Mail to life@netcom.com with "Info" in the Subject * or check out http://www.offshore.com.ai/lifehumor * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
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