Bad Dog

First posting: November 22, 1993. Latest update: [March 7, 1995]. A * indicates additions/changes from the previous posting.

A. Fill in the blanks

1. [xxx] is not food.
   Spiders; bandaids; ivy and airplane plants; Xmas ornaments; the carved jack-o-lantern; plants from the aquarium; cat litter box contents; laundry detergent boxes (esp. not when full!); toothpaste (tube and all); remote controls; linoleum; eyeglasses; books; stockings; the tar shingles on my house; chicken wire; bizarre plants; disposable razors; rocks; Lego; dirty Kleenex; the baby's used diaper; Christmas stockings; soda pop cans; fiberglass insulation stuffed up the chimney; the underwear in the clothes hamper; Mommy's hair accessories; Mommy's catnip teabags; unopened honey packets; staples; used condoms; Christmas stockings; credit cards, CDs, and other thin plastic things; bar soap; a brand new baseball glove (entire webbing consumed); the Bible; caulking; writing utensils (especially red magic markers); marbles; tomatoes from the vegetable garden; plastic switch plate covers (screws and all).
2. I will not lift my leg to the [xxx].
   Anything growing in the vegetable garden; house corner; new boyfriend; mailman; woodstove; subordinate pack members; Grandma's plush chair; the conformation judge; good-looking neighbour man that Mommy is trying to impress; Daddy in the lawn chair.
3. I recognize that [xxx] has a right to exist.
   The humans' shoes; the human's cats; the aquarium; 3rd grade art projects (even if they are made of macaroni shells); the other dog(s); the TV remote control; the human's little humans; the bath mitt; Rolling Stone magazine; large patterns on wallpaper;
4. [xxx] is not a toy.
   The humans' shoes; the human's cats; the humans' pet cockatiel; newly planted iris bulbs; pillows and blankets from the bed; laundry (dirty OR clean); aquarium plants; stuffed animals from on top of the chest of drawers; pillows and blankets from the newly made bed; the hose that's filling the kiddie pool; the humans' Nerf footballs; human's underwear; Mommy and Daddy's ferrets.
5. I will not chew the [xxx].
   Human's homework; human's papers s/he has to mark; remote control; cardboard around the laundry detergent; handles to the lawn tools; garage door; kitchen cabinets; food left within reach on the couch; the mini-human's *full* bottle even though it conveniently fell in front of me from the crib; horse's new saddle; wall; carpet; deck; couch; sofa cushions; expensive paperbacks; seat belt.
6. I will not bark at [xxx].
   Plastic bags on the ground; the new plow blade on my owner's truck when it is parked; the wind; thunder; the road grader; Daddy's new Santa bear toy (which was innocently sitting on a chair, and had been there for hours before Molly noticed it and took umbrage); tissue paper being blown along the floor by air from the furnace; the spring doorstop when I or the kid flips it and makes it go DOooiiiiinnnnnng; my mother's clean laundry thrown on top of the bed, even if the room is dark and it looks like someone sleeping there; the ball I just pushed into an inaccessible crevice all by myself; the fox/skunk/cat/deer out in the yard at any time after midnight, especially on a work night; the fire hydrant on the corner when out for a walk at night; the car radio; the answering machine lady when she says the date/time; the ice cube that slid under the fridge; the rawhide chewbone that I'm making no headway on; absolutely _nothing_ (especially after 11 pm); cartoon black cats in Hallowe'en displays; Japanese kabuki music.
7. I will not dig [xxx].
   Under the stove (and through the linoleum); under the sidewalk until it collapses; the carpet; a hole under the porch and then get stuck under it; under my master's pillow at 2 AM to retrieve the bone I hid there earlier; a swimming pool in the back yard;

• I will not target the most expensive cheese in the platter for eating.
• I will not eat the soap.
• I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
• I will not eat my human's plants.
• I will not conspire with the cat to get the roast thawing on the windowsill.
• I will not drink the water (and fish) from the aquarium.
• I will not get caught with my entire head in the dog food bag when Mom is busy cleaning my sister's paws.
• I am a dog, not a cow; grass is not food.
• Mommy can have her own food without feeding me.
• I will not drink out of the toilet right after it's used until Mom flushes it.
• I will not levitate loaves of bread, pans of brownies, bowls of soup, and other edible things off the kitchen counters.
• I will not climb up on the dining table when no one's looking and eat out of the serving bowls.
• I will quit escaping from the vet and eating all the other dogs', cats' and birds' food.
• I will politely refuse when my great-grandmother makes me steak tips and rice, because I know this is not good for me.
• Even though I'm a springer, I will not spring through the open car window and into the fast food restaurant, no matter how good it smells.
• If I absolutely _must_ eat all the Christmas baking my Mommy stayed up all night to do, I won't run up to her and burp contentedly in her face.
• I will not dive into the Christmas Tree to get the candy canes (which I will eat--paper and all).
• I will not drink out of the toilet no matter how thirsty I am.
• I will not eat a whole loaf of bread; it only makes doxies look shorter.
• I will not eat Mommy's hair clips for dessert.
• Rolling Stone magazine is a READING supplement, not an EATING one.
• Wallpaper, drywall, and fiberglass insulation is a three-course meal that gives me a tummyache.
• Caterpillars are not crawling hors d'oeurves.
• Lipstick is not food, even if mommy 'eats' it. (the effect was a bit frightening!)
• Crinkling cellophane is NOT a food sound from the wild and I will not come and hunt it when I hear it.
• Just because the human is smaller than me, I cannot have its food.
• I will not get a mouthful of kibble and dribble it all across the kitchen, dining room, and living room floor, just so Mom (who is reading in the living room) can watch me eat.
• I will not eat the baggie of chocolate wafer cookies Daddy left on the coffee table so that Mommy has a big, brown, spot to clean off of the carpet when she gets home after a long day at work.
• I will not lick or steal raw chicken from the grill while Daddy is not looking.
• I will not eat my Christmas doggie treats until _after_ they're out of the stocking!
• I will not crawl up on the table and eat only the meat (leaving the veggies, of course) on my family's plates.
• The computer's mouse is, unlike a real mouse, inedible.
• Dogs do not like jalapeno peppers. I am a dog.
• I will not eat (peanut butter, suet, ...) because it makes me throw up, even though it usually stays down the second time.

• I will not relieve myself in the dog show ring.
• I will not spend more than 5 minutes trying to find the "perfect" place to poop.
• The Christmas Tree was NOT put there as my own personal 'relieving' post.
• I will not pee in the bedroom doorway of Mom's new boyfriend the first time I visit his house.
• I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.
• I will not scratch in dog class.
• I will not even THINK about going underneath the (Christmas) tree and going piddle on the dining room rug.
• I will not throw up in the car.
• When I need to leave my kennel to go outside to pee, the shortest route is NOT across the bed, especially not at 4AM.
• I will not fart loudly, then chase my tail to catch the noise.
• I will not fart loudly, then look at Mommy like she's the culprit, because then Daddy believes me and it causes an argument.
• I *will* scootch my bottom along the grass to rid myself of hangers-on.
• I will wipe my butt on the grass, not on the carpet. They're both green, but I know the difference.

• I will not steal used sanitary napkins from the bathroom garbage.
• I will not roll in dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
• I will not eat other animals' poop.
• I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
• I will not roll my head around in other animals' poop.
• I will not eat my own vomit.
• I will not drop gooey slimy rawhide chews into Mommy's lap.
• I will not breathe on Mommy after "recycling" the poop in the backyard.
• "Kitty box crunchies" are not food. (Yep, I know it's a duplicate; my dogs are repeat offenders.)
• I will not drool onto the dinner table or my Mom's plate.
• I will not try to convince the person who ALWAYS gives me dog cookies that I love her new silk dress by covering it with doggy drool.
• I will not eat any more socks and then re-deposit them in the backyard after processing. (I did threaten to return the sock of a house guest who had been warned not to leave his socks around. It had been 'processed' and the pattern was still recognizable in the pile in the back yard.)
• I will not spray my Mom anymore when I have a huge sneeze.
• I will not eat mice which the cat has caught for me, or roll on them until they are squashed flat or sit looking through the glass door with a rodent tail hanging from my mouth while my mummy is eating dinner!
• Drooling on guests is not a social skill.
• I will not run over to my master after eating and burp in his face.
• I will not hide my soggy rawhide chew in the toe of the shoe my human is about to put on.
• I will not lick up garbage drippings in the street.
• I will not eat dead worms or crickets from the driveway.
• I will not lick Daddy's face after I've cleaned my private parts.
• I will not lick the backs of my humans' teeth when they are asleep.
• I will not catch mice, and run around the yard while they're squeaking in my mouth playing Catch The Dog with Mommy. Further, I will not then regurgitate them whole, re-eat them and play Catch with Mommy again. (Why does Mommy keep shrieking like that?)
• The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. I will not eat the disposable diapers, especially the dirty ones.
• I will not belch loudly, then smack my lips and smile when Mommy and Daddy have guests.
• I will not lick the inside of Mommy's nose. She says this feels nasty.
• I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
• I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
• I will not leave uneaten pieces of roaches lying around the house.
• I will not chew crayons or pens, specially not the red ones, or my owner will think I am hemorrhaging.
• I do not need to immediately find Mommy and give her all kinds of kisses when I have just had a drink from my favorite water bowl in the bathroom.
• I will not shake my head, causing large gobs of dog slime to land on people's bodies/papers from work/food.
• Mom and Dad know I appreciate them. I do not need to thank them after my meal by placing my food-water-and-drool-covered chin in their laps.

• I will not dig to China through *anybody's* garden.
• I will not try to smell my human's visitors' private parts.
• I will not jump on the bed and wash Dad's pillow anymore.
• I will not hide Mom's slippers any more.
• I will not tear off at 80 mph every time I catch a new smell to track, especially when my human is holding my leash.
• I will not do the "dog sled" (drag my behind) across the carpet while guests are present.
• Not everyone loves me, so I will not fling myself at all and sundry. Especially when I have been eating/rolling on week-old bones.
• I will not take off while on leash to chase squirrels while Mommy is standing on a slippery grass slope.
• I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting on the toilet.
• I will not leave balls on the stairs.
• I will not take excessive delight in pushing around a guest's smelly boots.
• Whenever someone comes to visit, I will not jump up on the car door and leave pretty claw-marks on the shiny paint!
• I will not go and lick, sniff, or disturb Mommy/Daddy while they are sitting on the toilet.
• I will not bury my gooey chewy in my Mommy and Daddy's bed.
• I will not try to retrieve my once gooey chewy from my Mommy and Daddy's bed in the middle of the night.
• I will not masturbate myself in front of new guests.
• I will not jump on guests and boink them in the groin with my nose.
• I will not steal hard candy, crunch and munch on it and leave candy-coated drool to dry into the rug.
• No matter how *ripe* Mummy's armpits are, they are not for rolling in like your common puddle of street trash/dead animal/etc.
• I will not shake hands with a guest, then flop down onto his feet while I clean my No-No.
• It makes Mommy nervous when I rest my head on her knee while she's on the potty.
• Daddy gets embarrassed when I stare at his peeper when he is getting ready for a shower.
• I will not jump onto the bed to watch when Mommy and Daddy begin to buck-n-snort with one another.
• I will not press my face piteously against the hatchback window while we are driving so people think I am being abducted. (With two 125lb dogs in a small Mazda hatchback, this really is pitiful. I've had people glare at me and honk!)
• I will not assume the reflection from Mom's hand-held makeup mirror is an intruder and try to attack it.
• I will not chew my chew hoof under the middle of Mom and Dad's king sized bed at 2 am.
• I will not make Mommy feel guilty about "abandoning" me to go to work by giving her "the Big Sad Eyes" through the back door. Dog food doesn't grow on trees you know.
• I will not pull the plug on/turn off/reset the computer/Sega while a human is trying to do work/play a game.
• Chewed up underwear/feminine hygiene products/poop from the backyard is NOT a "toy" to be offered to guests.
• Just because I hear Mommy or Daddy's car doesn't mean I have to scream at the top of my little doxie lungs.
• Mommy doesn't have to hold me in her arms so I can see, too, when Mommy is talking to someone/cleaning the aquarium/doing the ironing/working on the computer.
• I don't *have* to place my throat across Mommy or Daddy's mouth after they've fussed at me. They're not really going to bite my throat out.
• I understand that while I think it's great fun to drop my rope/ball/bone in the toilet while Daddy or a male guest is using it, Daddy doesn't like it and will fuss at me.
• Just because it rings, there's no need for me to knock the receiver off the phone and breathe heavily into the mouthpiece. [This can lead the caller to get the wrong impression!]
• In the car, I will not tread on the electric window switch just as my owner is paying at the tollbooth.
• I will not expose myself to female visitors.
• I will not drool over the computer keyboard while my human is out of the room getting a beer.
• I am not an alarm clock. The human does *not* need to be woken at the same time *every* day.
• I do not need to dribble my last drink of toilet water all over Mommy's bed.
• I do not need to soak my Vermont Chewman toys in the toilet.

• I am bigger than that cat next door and should not be afraid of it.
• That black and white animal with the bushy tail is NOT a cat.
• Squirrels can fight back.
• I will not play tag with armadillos. (They fight back!)
• Possums are meant to be chased, not caught.
• Mockingbirds are not to be messed with. (They dive bomb! From behind!)
• The neighborhood dogs are *NOT* burglars/murderers.
• Other furry critters are not running chew toys. (Cats, squirrels, Mommy's guinea pig)
• Other male dogs are not my enemies.
• I will not beat up the other dogs in the house even though the smaller ones keep challenging me.
• I am a Corgi; I am not bigger than the Doberman and German Shepherd.
• Squirrels are not burglars. I do not need to bark when they are on the lawn.
• I will not chase the ducks, especially when they are swimming across the lake.
• I will not escape the backyard and go into the neighbor's backyard to play with my best friend, the German Shepherd.
• I will not herd the animals in the church's nativity scene.
• I will not tear open the box containing the deceased guinea pig that my humans were about to bury and scare my Mommy by carrying him into the house like a stuffed toy and looking at her as if to say, "I think this guy got outside by some mistake! Isn't he supposed to be INSIDE in his cage?!?"
• I will not terrorize the nice bunnies. (And the not-so-nice bunnies... they kick!)
• I will leave the old dog alone when it doesn't want to play.
• I will stop playing tug with my brother's tail.
• That bear is NOT just another big dog.
• I will not use "flip" small dogs over with my snout just for the fun of it, especially not at the top of the stairs.
• A pouring rainstorm is not a good time to play tag with Mommy, a cat, and a shrub.
• Deer don't like me because I have a jingle-jangle collar. Chasing them doesn't change this. I only jangle louder.
• I am a German Shepherd, and a Highland Terrier puppy is SMALLER than I am.
• Horses aren't playmates. The Mountie has a job to do, and his horse is part of that job. I cannot commandeer its time.
• Mockingbirds will peck my head if I catch them. (My Akita bitch regularly catches these enormous birds and they turn and peck her in the forehead HARD! and she still chases them. Dumb--really dumb.)
• I will not bring live frogs or lizards into the house. [Bob used to do this and then get highly excited as I probed around under the freezer with the handle of the yard-sweeping brush trying to extract the terrified amphibian(s)!]
• Multi-coloured snakes are NOT my friends.
• The neighbour's cat is NOT a rag doll.
• Size matters. I will not chase full-grown German Shepherds, then run away from 8-week old puppies.
• I am a 125 lb. St. Bernard. I will not allow the neighbor's 2 lb. kitten to beat me up.

• We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
• I will not bark at the dog (in the aquarium; floating outside the window; in the oven). It is just my reflection.
• Freezing nights are not good time to play in the backyard with Mommy. I have a fur coat, Mommy doesn't.
• I will watch where I am going, so that I will stop running into small, but very hard, trees.
• Squeaky toys are not spooky or dangerous and I should not be afraid of them.
• I will not get so excited when I see a treat that I do every trick I know whether my master asked for it or not.
• I will not do 90 mph laps around all the living room furniture when people are sitting on it.
• Raindrops are not my enemy and I can go outside to relieve myself without barking at them when they are present.
• Flatulence is noisy but will not hurt me.
• I do not need to be dominant over the vacuum cleaner.
• The dogs on TV are not real.
• The feather pillow is not a bird. I will not flush it out of its hiding place.
• I know that deer statues are not real and will not try to attack them.
• I will realize that scary animal in the yard next door is just a really tacky plastic deer and will quit barking at it at every opportunity.
• I will not do a "hold and bark" at the plastic Santa Claus on the neighbor's front lawn. He's not wearing a sleeve, anyway.
• The bright, colored lights outside do not signal landing UFOs, so I will stop barking at them whenever they are turned on.
• I will not walk under the big dog when he is peeing.
• I will not lie on the ground in the snow and refuse to get up when Mommy says to even though it's only 15 F out and Mommy forgot her hat and gloves.
• My human does not have to hold the bone while I chew it; I can do it myself.
• I am the alpha dog, therefore I do not need to protect my new Christmas rawhide from the omega dog by taking it outside to eat when the wind chill is -46 F.
• I will not throw myself against the windshield trying to chase the big truck in front of us.
• I don't need to thank mom/dad every few bites of my breakfast/dinner.
• The plastic owl is to scare woodpeckers, since I'm not a woodpecker, I won't be scared.
• I will not smash my whole body against the patio doors when I want in, causing the entire door to smash to smithereens. (Mastiffs must write this out extra times)
• I will not fool with Daddy's electric razor, even if he lets it lie on the bed. It turns on easily and makes spooky noise.
• I will not stick my head into a lit candle, thereby curling my mouth whiskers and eyebrows.
• I will not throw my chewbone into the air so it lands on my head with a KER-THUMP! and makes me bark at it.
• The Flat Folk in the mirror and their dog (who looks a lot like me) are not thieves. They live here, too.
• Water dropping from a height is not dangerous, and does not need to be subdued instantly. I don't have to be there when the humans empty the vaporiser into the tub, so I can bite the water.
• I will not chase the laundry down the laundry chute, because I get stuck *every* time, and Daddy has to pull me through to the basement, and that hurts my tummy.
• I must face the same direction as the other dogs when I am harnessed with them or I will get dragged.
• There is not a doggy door in the screen.
• The trashcan with the step on foot will bite my head. (Maesc took about fifteen minutes to figure out that the trashcan lid will go up if he steps on the lever. He hasn't quite figured out he has to keep his foot on it or the lid will slam on his head.)
• I will not stand in the corner between a half-open door and the wall whining to be let out.
• There are no humans hiding inside the radio/TV.
• I will not crawl under the bed, get stuck, then whimper pathetically till somebody comes to find me.
• I will NOT jump out of the pickup truck bed while it is travelling down the freeway.

• Baths are fun and relaxing!
• Waterbeds were designed for humans. Really.
• Being outside for any other reason than doing my business really is all right.
• I will not dig more than one new 'cool earth wallow' per day.
• I will not crowd my human in bed.
• I don't have to go out to the backyard *this instant*.
• I will not hoard all the nylabones so the other dogs can't get them.
• I will stop playing dead when lying in the middle of the bed and will move when Mom and Dad want in.
• I will not hog the warm spot right in front of the kerosene heater.
• I will quit hogging all the pillows.
• I will not pull the down comforter off the bed and into the closet so I can sleep on it in the middle of the night.
• When I am lying on the sofa, Mommy can lie on the other side; I know how to share.
• I will leave room in the bed for Dad.
• I weigh 70 pounds. I will not fit on Mom's lap.
• When Daddy is gone, I will not use his pillow and breathe down Mommy's neck until she takes me out.
• When Mommy rises early from the bed, I will not play a trick on Daddy by kissing him so he rolls over and gives me a tongue-kiss, too. He makes a loud noise when he finds out it's me.
• I am a German Shepherd. When I'm at the vet's I won't be scared to sit on the floor like a BigGirlDog. I'm too big for Mommy's lap.
• I can go to sleep without having my rope and my ball and my bone in bed with me and the humans.
• I can go to sleep without cleaning my toes first.
• The leather davenport is NOT a bed.

• The vet is my *friend*.
• I will only do my "someone's out there" bark when there really is someone at the door.
• I will not greet the humans at the back door with their personal possessions (retrieved from the closet) in my mouth.
• When the humans leave without me, attacking the front window is not the way to get them to notice I'm upset.
• I will not howl when my mistress is practicing the {piano | violin | glockenspiel}.
• I will not knock down and lick the face of the meter reader.
• I will recognize my beloved mistress, even if she *is* wearing her drum-n-bugle-corps uniform.
• I will not bathe anyone's face when they're cranking the ice cream maker.
• I will not lick the humans' faces while they are being ..ahem... intimate.
• I will realize that everyone knows I am a neglected dog because my parents throw me outside to wee late at night and will therefore refrain from announcing it by barking non-stop.
• I do not have to meet EVERYONE.
• When my humans are kissing and making out, I will not whine jealously and try to force myself between them.
• Although I am a red blooded Aussie male Rottweiler, I will refrain from becoming "excited" when my female vet examines me because it embarrasses my Mom.
• I will not attack my master every time he sits on the floor while talking with someone on the telephone.
• I will not piddle and run and hide whenever my owner gives a down-stay command.
• It's okay for Mommy and Daddy to be in different rooms.
• Mommy can lie on the floor if she wants to. (Annie gets upset. Dogs are for the floor, people should be on furniture.)
• I will not growl at my human's mother(-in-law).
• I will quit attacking Mom, who is just minding her own business, when Dad is the one teasing me.
• I will not bite my Daddy in the ass when he turns away just after scolding me.
• I will not attack Daddy even if he is wearing a funny red suit, pillows and a phony beard.
• I do not have to be in the room when my Mom goes to the bathroom.
• I will not go into the back seat and cover my eyes with my paws just because Mom's driving.
• I will not growl at the strange guy in Mom's bed. (Oh, it's Dad.)
• My human's toes should not be in the socks I choose to chew on.
• The carollers outside do not need my help to sing their songs.
• Just because Mommy is on the floor does not mean she wants to play with me.
• I will not attack Mom's boyfriend when he is tickling her - he isn't really trying to hurt her.
• I will not kiss Mommy when she is scolding me.
• I will not hump the leg of the minister when he comes to call on my human.
• I will not jump on my Mommy's pregnant tummy.
• I will not nip Mommy in the behind to get her to move faster.
• I will not attack the toll attendants for taking Mommy's money.
• I won't jump up on Dad's stomach when he's talking on the phone.
• I will not sit under the dinner table and bite people on their toes to gain attention (read food)!
• If I roll over and try to shake paws, it won't necessarily get me out of trouble.
• There are certain places on Daddy that are not okay to nibble when we are rough-housing. This endangers my life.
• I will not herd my humans out of the hallway and into one room so I can watch all of them at once.
• My bathtime is not during Mommy's shower. I will lie quietly guarding her until she's finished. I will not attempt to join her.
• I will not drop my Plaque Attacker on Mom's feet, as it is heavy and hard. I will especially not drop it on her feet when she's standing beside the bed and I'm standing *on* the bed.
• I will not drop my human's pager in the toilet, even if he told me to 'drop it'.
• Mommy can take a shower without having my rope/ball/bone with her.
• I will not bite my Mommy's ass when she is trying to rescue my toe from the grips of the evil screen door.
• The mailman is NOT a chew toy.

• Just because that mini human offers food to me doesn't always mean I should take it.
• Infants who have just finished their cereal (and they aren't real good at it yet!) have the *best* faces for washing.
• I will not knock over the little neighborhood kids when I greet them.
• I will not lick pudding/ice cream off the neighbor's kids' faces.
• I will not visit the next door neighbours to play with their children at every possible opportunity.
• Every child in the world does not need for me to wash his/her face.
• I will notice small humans are not just other dogs and will not try to exert my dominance on them.

• I will not open Mom's mirrored closet door by myself anymore, thereby making it look like a glass of milk was thrown at it.
• I will not use all the door molding as a chew toy.
• I will not jump up on my human when he/she gets home from work and is wearing nice clothes.
• I will not jump up on my human with my muddy paws after running through a mud puddle.
• I will not make big splashes in mud puddles when heeling beside my human.
• I will not eat off the ends of my human's shoelaces.
• I will not run around the house with my human's stuffed animals.
• I will not get all wet/muddy and then walk against all the walls in the house (so that my mum can see just how much I've grown!).
• I will not "de-flea" my mum's pillow in the middle of the night whilst she is trying to sleep on it!
• I will not open the kitchen cabinets.
• I will not dig in the potpourri bowls.
• I will not chew the dog training book, especially when it is a library book and my mother is a librarian.
• I will not unwrap all the Christmas presents while Mommy and Daddy are away at work.
• I will not pull the tablecloth off the table to make the food more accessible on the floor.
• I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
• I will not chew up Mommy's spinning that she has been working on for months. (Especially NOT the Angora spinning!)
• I will not jump all over the mattress that is being made up with my muddy feet.
• I will not peel wallpaper off of the walls.
• Just because the remote-control turns on the TV when I chew it does not qualify it as a 'squeaky toy'.
• I shall not eat the crotch out of Mommy's dirty underwear when she forgets to close the closet where the laundry basket sits.
• I am a German Shepherd, not a spider. Mommy's embroidery floss is not good web material.
• I will not bury my chewman up to the neck in the yard to frighten my humans. (I actually ran over one with the lawnmower. We have probably a dozen of them in the yard in various stages of burying. A few have only the head and one arm sticking up out of the grass. It's eerie.)
• I will not grab the bowl of half-jelled cranberries off the front step and fling them across the snow so it looks like I murdered someone in the front yard.
• I will not kill the neighbor humans blow-up pool and drag it triumphantly around the yard as the air comes out of it.
• Uncle Billy's extensive hat collection is not a chew toy. (Well, now it is, but it wasn't before!)
• Peeing on Daddy's pillow does not make him love you.
• I will not bite my human's cellular phone every time it rings. [So far, Bob has destroyed 3 phones this way].
• I will not dismember children's dolls and leave the room looking like the aftermath of a hatchet-murder.
• I will not chew or shake full cans of beer.
• Even though it hisses, the garden hose is not a snake, and so does not need to be chewed every six inches along its length to keep it from attacking me.
• I will not bite a hole in the can of upholestery cleaner that Mommy left out (bad Mommy) because I look very silly covered in white foam. I especially won't do this when it's 20 below outside and the water heater's broken and Mommy has to stand in the cold shower in order to rinse the nasty stuff off me.
• I will not send my full food dish for a ride down the staircase.

• I will not eat my human's mail, especially the bills.
• I will not help Mommy by digging up all those tasty bulbs she buried for me.
• I will not sneak into the garden and dig up the shrubs Mommy has just planted.
• I will not sulk by trying to sleep under mummy's feet while she is making breakfast, washing, going to the toilet, etc. just because she slept in, is in a hurry and can't take me for walkies.
• I will not steal the dishes from the dishwasher and hide them in my kennel.
• I will quit trying to drive the car and will stay down in the floor board.
• I will not jump in the car to go for a ride when Mommy and Daddy are already running late and ready to leave.
• I will not attempt to climb in Mom's lap while she is driving.
• I will not shift the car into neutral while Mom is driving 65 mph in a blizzard.
• I will not sneak up and steal napkins off the laps of humans while they are eating.
• I will not eat the envelope with my human's cashed paycheck in it!
• When Mom is putting on socks in the morning, I will not take this as a sign to start a game of tug-of-war.
• Dad doesn't need help tying his shoes... really.
• I will not play tag around the dining room table after I have found a "treasure" (underwear, socks, tissues or other "stuff" from the trash, kitchen towels, school projects, money, etc.), when Mommy is trying to catch me.
• Mommy knows her way around the house all by herself. She doesn't need me to herd her into the shower, into the bedroom, back into the bathroom, and into the kitchen every morning.
• I will stay out of the garden. Mom does not need help weeding or planting out new plants. (It's OK to help with pruning, though. I can grab the branches and take them all over the yard!)
• I will never again think that Dad won't mind me climbing behind his seat (since he won't let me sit on his lap) while he's driving down an interstate in a two-seat sports car!

• My Mommy's lap is not a napkin.
• The sofa is not a face towel.
• Mommy is not a salt lick.
• The rug is not a napkin.
• That is not my {turkey, stocking, present}.
• My rawhide bone does not belong in my Mom's bath.
• Tennis balls do not belong in the dishwasher.
• The agility field is NOT a doggy social meeting place.
• My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
• The balls on the Christmas tree are not dog balls.
• All things within my reach are NOT my toys; anything not within my reach but I can jump and get is also NOT my toy.
• I do not have a little Scrabble board in my tummy. Eating a letter when Mommy and Daddy play does not score me any points. Anywhere.
• The coffee table is not my private throne, and I should stay off of it.
• The laundry basket does *not* contain nesting material.
• The Persian rug is not for playing tug-o-war.

• The doggie door is my friend.
• I will not make my sister/brother (the kitty)'s, life a misery when it is clear she/he is not interested in playing.
• I will not slurp up a peg on the cribbage board when I am walking by a game.
• I will not eat the Bad Dog list.
• 70 kilogram Rottweilers should not even bother to try to hide under small coffee tables when they have been naughty.
• I will not pull all the stuffing out of my chewman within 10 minutes of getting it.
• I will come out of my crate, even when I'm *not* in trouble, without Mom having to tip it up sideways so I slide out.
• I will stop "posturing" when Mommy plays with me because I knock her over.
• I will not open any presents before Christmas.
• I will not search the Christmas presents under the tree looking for mine.
• I cannot decide when to take a break during agility training.
• I will get my picture taken with that fat red man who smells like every dog that ever lived for charity.
• I like car rides, really, they are neat fun... really...
• Being groomed and combed is fun. Really.
• Briar bushes are not fun.
• I will not cook when the humans are out (or in).
• Moaning while getting a bath will not speed up the process.
• Mom and Dad don't need to get soaked just because I am getting a bath.

Sue Agent, Trish Barnes, M.H. Bonham, Teresa Boucher, Valerie Bowe, Melissa Bruce, Lesley Burnette, Robert Carrier, David Carpenter, Susan Castelletti, Anne Cotton, Stacey Curtis, Michelle Dick, Stephen Dillinger, Lauri Dorff, Michelle Duncan, Madeline Feeney, Robin Fingerson, Deborah Freedman, Phyllis Gerstenfeld, Ruth Ginzberg, Dana Groff, Mary Healey, Petra Hinds, Kelly Anne Hinkle, Steven Hocevar, Cecile Keating, Susan Kennedy, Laurel Kristick, Rhonda Ligotski, Peter Lucas, Jos Marlowe, Tim McDaniel, Donna Menk, Amy Miran, Dave Mischler, Cindy Tittle Moore, Kim Murphy, Mindy Mymudes, Victoria Neff, Helene Newberg, Joy Nicholas, Kathy Nicklas-Varraso, Lynda Oleksuk, Lucinda Rasmussen, Crystal Raymond, Harold Reynolds, Margaret Riley, Nancy Rudins, Carol Rylee, Steve Schindler, Tim Schorer, Carol Sharp, John Shea, Tracy Smith, Silvia Stern, Eric Storch, Holly Stowe, Kathleen Summers, Carol Taylor, Roberta Taylor, Marci Tenpas, Kristin Thommes, Bruce Tobias, Judith Van Nostrand, Connie Varnhagen, Steve Wall, Rosemary Webb, Ann Welborne, Jan Wescott, Susan White, Wendy Wilson.

                                   BAD HUMAN!

First posting: November 22, 1993. Latest Update: [March 7, 1995].

1. I will not bathe my master after he bathes himself in the mud puddle.
2. I will not drag my master from the interesting sniffing spots.
3. I will not complain "My arm is tired" after only throwing the ball 20 times.
4. I will not confuse my master by throwing snowballs for him to fetch.
5. I will not ask my master to play fetch with a boomerang.
6. I will drop whatever I'm doing and take my master out as soon as he asks me to.
7. I will get rid of those cats.
8. I will not tell my master to HURRY UP ALREADY when he's looking for just the right spot to take care of business.
9. I will make ice cream often and let my master lick the blades (rather than having to steal a lick or two).
10. I will never eat until my master has tasted what I have and approved it for me.
11. I will set up the kiddie pool every day it's hot - even in December.
12. I will not leave my master at home any time I go in the car.
13. I will share everything I eat with my master.
14. I will allow my master on the couch.
15. I will protect my master from that obnoxious little human thing at all times.
16. I will not have another of those obnoxious little human things.
17. I will not hide my master's ball in a place where I know he couldn't possibly retrieve it from and then ask him to go get it.
18. I will not sneak around the backyard wearing funny clothes to test whether my master is a good watchdog.
19. I will realize that all my guests are really coming to massage and stroke the master.
20. I will stop referring to my master's necklace as her "collar."
21. I will not cut my master's nails.
22. I will not take shredded, soggy, yummy tennis balls away from my master.
23. I will not abandon my master for trivial reasons like "going to work".
24. I will not wake my master when I come home from work.
25. My master's desires are always paramount. My master's wish is my command.
26. I will not bring home any more cats.
27. I will not stare while my master is doing his business.
28. Bad weather is no excuse for not walking my master.
29. I will open the back door as soon as my master sits by it.
30. I will not laugh at my master for being confused over not being able to find the lump of ice that he buried earlier.
31. I will let my master bring the rear end of a mouse which the cat kindly gave him to chew onto the lounge room carpet.
32. I will not push my master away when she wants a hug after playing in a mud puddle.
33. I will give my masters chewies that last throughout that stupid kid's _entire_ piano practice.
34. I will not feed the cat before I feed my masters.
35. I will not enter shows held in horse barns and expect my master to be obedient.
36. Dog bladders are not large.
37. I will not yell at my master for creating "chew toys" from found objects.
38. I will not run out of treats.
39. I will {make a turkey/stuff a stocking/buy lots of presents} for my master.
40. I will not make my master wear silly-looking antlers or red hats.
41. I will not make my master pose for pictures with some fat stranger in a red suit.
42. I will not tie leftover ribbons and bows all over my master.
43. I will not use decorations like tinsel that could be dangerous to my master.
44. I will try MUCH harder to understand my master's language.
45. I will not chase my master around yelling COME! when he is socializing.
46. The ornaments on the trees ARE balls. Really.
47. I will not ask my master to retire to his crate anymore.
48. GIVE and LEAVE IT are useless request, so I will stop using them.
49. I will always carry cookies and treats.
50. I will never go socializing with other canines without my master.
51. I will not take my master back to that horrid SPCA; she says it is a Christmas party but I'm afraid she'll leave me there.
52. I will not order my master to get up out of the nice snow when he is obviously making snow angels and giving himself a coat conditioning.
53. I will give up any idea of dieting as it could wreck my master's nice comfy "chair".
54. I promise to leave all doors and windows in the house open as my masters might need to make a quick exit to eradicate cats from the yard.
55. I will not come home from work and feel the sofa to see if it is still warm from where my master was sleeping "illegally".
56. I will not close the lid to the reserve water bowl.
57. I will no longer make my master wait 12 long hours between meals.

Stacey Curtis, Michelle Duncan, Madeline Feeney, Deborah Freedman, Ruth Ginzberg, Petra Hinds, Kelly Anne Hinkle, Harold Reynolds, Margaret F Riley, Nancy Rudins, Carol Sharp, K. Summers, Roberta Taylor, Marci Tenpas, Bruce Tobias, Connie Varnhagen, Rosemary Webb, Jan Wescott.

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