Article: 53134 of rec.pets.dogs
From: KATEW@delphi.com
Subject: Re: How Stupid Is Your Dog?
Date: Sun, 23 Jan 94 01:10:18 EST
Organization: Delphi Internet
Tasha has decided that cats are the enemy. Funny thing is, REAL cats don't
bother her a bit...it's those demon kitties on TV that drive her wild. Last
night, she was lying on the couch with our two cats snuggled up beside her. A
Friskies ad came on, with mewing kittens, and Tashie went NUTS! Barking,
whining, looking under things for the kittens. Bogie & Bacall sat on the couch
and watched her, with this "I cannot believe what I am seeing" look on their
faces. After she got tired of barking, Tash jumped back on the couch and
nuzzled up to Bogie & fell asleep. Bacall climbed up on Tasha, who didn't even
open her eyes when Bacall fell off and meowed.
Our zoo is advertising the new elephant yard, complete with trumpeting Babars.
I'm getting kind of worried about the reaction we might get from Tash. ;)
--Kate & Tasha, wacko goldenX [katew@delphi.com]
Article: 53148 of rec.pets.dogs
From: holsten@insect.berkeley.edu ()
Subject: Re: How Stupid Is Your Dog?
Date: 24 Jan 1994 19:15:47 GMT
Organization: U.C. College of Natural Resources
This story is about my dog as a teenager, Lennon. (Who was so named because we
got him on the day that John Lennon died. My dad was a big Beatles fan.)
We lived in Arizona, where the little, three inch alligator lizards are
everywhere. We had a brick wall in the back yard, and the lizards liked to sit
on the side of the wall and sun themselves. Lennon liked to chase the lizards.
He would very sloooowly stalk them until he was about two feet away, and then he
would slam his face into the wall to try to get the lizard. We thought that he
would learn that slamming his face into the wall was a Bad Idea, but he never
did. He never caught a lizard, either.
Donna (and Calvin (and Lennon, R.I.P.) )
Article: 53154 of rec.pets.dogs
From: deganit@yaz.ucr.edu (Deganit Armon)
Newsgroups: rec.humor,rec.pets.dogs
Subject: Re: How Stupid Is Your Dog?
Date: 24 Jan 1994 19:51:19 GMT
Organization: University of California, Riverside (College of Engineering/Computer Science)
This is more a smart cat story than a dumb dog one, but still funny.
My sister's dog, Vista, a Golden Retriever, has periodic run-ins with the cat,
and ends up chasing him around the house when he gets on her nerves. The cat
leads the chase into the bathroom, then marches out slamming the door behind him
while poor Vista is still trying to turn around to continue the chase.
(This is no mean feat - the door opens _into_ the bath, so he has to
pull the door and get his paw out of the way quickly).
For a while my sister couldn't figure out why the dog was locked in the bathroom
when she came home from work. Then she saw it happen... She believes that the
cat actually provokes the dog just to get a good chase going. The dog falls for
it every time.
Article: 53161 of rec.pets.dogs
From: mbonham@teal.csn.org (M.H. Bonham)
Subject: Re: How Stupid Is Your Dog?
Organization: Colorado SuperNet, Inc.
Date: Mon, 24 Jan 1994 20:07:03 GMT
Well, with Conan, you are never out of stories ;-)
As a puppy, Conan was fascinated with the phone. One day I heard a loud crash
and a yelp. Conan comes tearing out with the phone cord wrapped around him and
the phone banging across the linoeum. Needless to say, we had to get a new
phone.
Conan's housbreaking was an eventful experience. One day, the poop got stuck on
his rear and he went kiyiyiing into the house running around, frantically trying
to get the poop monster away from him.
A much later story: We just moved into our house and had bought a plow for our
truck. One night, Conan Looked out the window and began barking like an
intruder was nearby. Cuawn, his partner in crime, rushed up and began barking
and then became speechless. The following dog conversation unfolded (in body
kanguage):
Cuawn: What the hell are you barking at?
Conan: Don't you see it?
Cuawn: See WHAT?
Conan: Burrorrorrrorrwuff!
Cuawn: I'mn out of here. (Leaves)
Conan: (Still barking)
Cuawn: (Rushes back -- maybe there *is* something) Woof! (Still sees nothing)
Sky Warrior: He's barking at the plow!
Conan:Don't you see it?
Everyone:Shut up and lay down!
Sigh...
Sky Warrior
--
SKY WARRIOR aka MLH Bonham | Subscribe to the new Sled Dog list! Send the
mbonham@aztek.com | command: subscribe sleddog [your email address]
mbonham@csn.org | to majordomo@csn.org Be sure to put the
"Good tea, nice house" -- Worf| command in the body of the message (not subject)
Article: 53164 of rec.pets.dogs
From: umennis0@cc.umanitoba.ca (Sean Douglas Ennis)
Newsgroups: alt.stupidity,rec.humor,rec.pets.dogs
Subject: Re: How Stupid Is Your Dog?
Date: 24 Jan 1994 22:36:04 GMT
Organization: The University of Manitoba
In [CK57wo.C3n@boi.hp.com] dianem@boi.hp.com (Diane Mathews) writes:
]And then there are the kites. Not sure what they think those kites are, but
]Quad gets incredibly excited about chasing them and running under them. One
]time he saw a kite at the other end of the field. (Note: only let the dogs
Thats ok. We have these hot air ballones around here that advertise a
real-estate company. Anyways when these things fly over, my dog barks and
snarles at them 'because they are not supposed to be able to fly like that'.
And he gets real upset when the pull the burner cord.
Sean
Article: 53169 of rec.pets.dogs
From: icterrel@midway.ecn.uoknor.edu (Irvin Charles Terrell)
Newsgroups: alt.stupidity,rec.humor,rec.pets.dogs
Subject: Re: How Stupid Is Your Dog?
Date: 24 Jan 1994 20:44:47 GMT
Organization: University of Oklahoma, Engineering Computer Network
My old (now gone from this world) boxer wasn't dumb by any means. often acted
smarter than the rest of us. but like most dogs, he usually fell for the old
"fake fetch toss" routine.
And if you have to ask what the old fake fetch toss is, you most certainly
belong in alt.stupidity.
charlie terrell
icterrel@mailhost.ecn.uoknor.edu
Article: 53176 of rec.pets.dogs
From: krattige@hpcc01.corp.hp.com (Kim Krattiger)
Date: Mon, 24 Jan 1994 19:30:38 GMT
Subject: Re: How Stupid Is Your Dog?
Organization: the HP Corporate notes server
Well, I took my dogs out to the beach one day. The are I take them is very
sheltered and there were absolutely no waves, but there were plenty of birds
floating around. Well the dogs got out of the car and both high-tailed it for
the birds, not realizing that there was any water in the way. They ran full
speed into the water and were pretty much in over their heads by the time they
realized what happened.
I was dying with laughter because, althought my Golden is ok with water, my
Akita absolutely HATES it and doesn't even like to walk on the grass when there
is dew on it. Boy was she in shock!
Article: 53177 of rec.pets.dogs
Newsgroups: alt.stupidity,rec.humor,rec.pets.dogs
From: herold@binah.cc.brandeis.edu (NICHOLAS)
Subject: Re: How Stupid Is Your Dog?
Organization: Brandeis University
Date: Mon, 24 Jan 1994 20:59:58 GMT
In article [9401211236.AA15841@gryphon.Xap], rlstewart@eng.xyplex.com (Bob Stewart) writes:
]Several years ago my sons were at the home of a neighbor who had Irish
]Setters....
A friend of mine's uncle had a dog that liked to chase cars on Cape Cod's roads.
Once he ran full tilt into a telephone pole, but he never chased cars again. He
walked with a funny kind of limp, walked in circles a lot of the time and had to
be shown where his food was morning and evening.
Article: 53183 of rec.pets.dogs
From: dianem@boi.hp.com (Diane Mathews)
Subject: Re: How Stupid Is Your Dog?
Date: Mon, 24 Jan 1994 21:41:09 GMT
Organization: Hewlett-Packard / Boise, Idaho
In article [2i16p3$7v@agate.berkeley.edu] holsten@insect.berkeley.edu () writes:
]and then he would slam his face into the wall to
]try to get the lizard.
This reminds me of the Collies when they were pups, and hadn't quite figured out
perspective and stuff just yet. I lived in a white house, and during that late
summer there was some kind of bug hatch. Little black bugs would fly or climb
on the side of the house, but not too high. None of us had ever noticed them
before, but the dogs did. They'd see this black dot move, and try to get it w/
their faces. Anyone who knows Collies noses also knows (like this sentence so
far?) that they missed every time. It was hilarious!
--
Diane Mathews, dianem@hpbs2694.boi.hp.com
Article: 53185 of rec.pets.dogs
Newsgroups: rec.humor,rec.pets.dogs,alt.folklore.urban
From: v140pxgt@ubvms.cc.buffalo.edu (Daniel B Case)
Subject: Re: How Stupid Is Your Dog?
Organization: University at Buffalo
Date: Mon, 24 Jan 1994 23:09:00 GMT
Found on rec.humor and rec.pets.dogs:
In article [1994Jan21.230217.3318@ivax], hstowe@indyvax.iupui.edu writes...
]This isn't really as much a Stupid Dog Trick as it is a Stupid Human Trick...
]
]A woman with whom I was speaking at one of the local obedience schools told
]me the following about her sister who has a lovable Lab and lived next door
]to a woman who was not always the nicest person. The woman had a rabbit
]named Ben who lived in an outside hutch. The woman consistently badgered
]the sister because the Lab hadn't quite gotten the hang of the idea that
]his yard didn't go on forever and the woman was *sure* the Lab was going to
]attack Ben. (The Lab had showed absolutely *no* interest in the rabbit or
]the rabbit's hutch.)
]
]Well, one day the Lab appeared at the sister's door with a very dirty and
]very dead Ben in his mouth. The sister was naturally horrified, and also
]terrified that if she told the woman, the woman would insist that the Lab
]be put down... so, the sister, being a complete and admitted chicken, took
]Ben's body into the laundry room, washed it carefully, dried it and snuck
]over to the woman's yard and returned Ben to his hutch, hoping against hope
]that the woman wouldn't realize what had happened. (Apparently, Ben's body
]was intact...)
]
]The next morning the sister heard the woman next door scream... and scream...
]and scream. The sister went over and the woman was wailing, "Ben's dead!
]Ben's dead!". The sister tried to console the woman (feeling completely
]guilty the entire time). Finally the woman calmed down enough (but not
]much) to say... "No! You don't understand! Ben's DEAD! He died 2 days
]ago and I buried him!"
]
]The sister never had the nerve to tell the woman what had happened... though
]she was tempted when the woman was moving away, but figured that it was best
]left alone.
]
]-Holly
Daniel Case State University of New York at Buffalo
Prodigy: WDNS15D | GEnie: DCASE.10
Ceci n'est pas une pipe
V140PXGT@ubvms.cc.buffalo.edu dcase@acsu.buffalo.edu
Article: 53200 of rec.pets.dogs
From: carrier@fnalf.fnal.gov
Subject: Re: How Stupid Is Your Dog?
Date: 24 Jan 94 20:16:28 -0600
Organization: Fermi National Accelerator Lab
I am not quite sure if it's stupid but here it goes.
Roxy doesn't have a yard, so she never gets put out on a chain unless we are
at my buddies house. He uses a run for his dog so while we are there we use it
too.
Last week when it was so cold, we went for a visit to get out of the cabin
and let the dogs tire themselves out inside since going out wasn't such a good
idea. I put Roxy out on the chain to do her duty. Previously while visiting, we
just took her out for a quicky but since it was so cold I didn't want to go out.
Anyway, Roxy had to check out this chain. First she sniffed it. It smelled ok.
Then she tried to taste it. :^) It was so cold her tongue stuck to it for a
couple of seconds. :^) She got her tongue off, looked around to see if anyone
saw here being stupid and decided to do it again. Well, her tongue stuck again.
The expression on her face was like what the heck is happening here! :^) She has
never stuck her tongue on the chain since. But it hasn't been that cold again
yet either!
Bob and my nose gets me in more trouble, Roxy.
Article: 121937 of rec.humor
From: maburak@wilma (Mary Burak)
Subject: Re: How Stupid Is Your Dog?
Date: 25 Jan 1994 00:04:26 GMT
Organization: New Mexico State University
When I was in middle school, we had a dog that wasn't too bright. We took
him in the truck to the river about 2 miles from our house and played chase,
fetch, etc. He had such a good time, he didn't want to leave, and so he didn't
come when we called him. We all got in the truck, and called him again. Still,
he wouldn't come. We started up the truck, and pulled out onto the dirt road.
That got his attention. He started chasing the truck. After a few seconds, we
stopped and told him to get into the back. He couldn't stop fast enough, and
passed us. When he came back, he jumped onto the hood of the truck. We told
him to jump down, but he looked confused, and just sat there wondering what we
wanted. We got back into the truck, and started to drive off really slow. The
dog put his butt up against the windshield while he sat. Every time we went
around a corner, we could see his butt-hole pucker.
--
Mary Burak
___________________________________________________________________________
Workstation Support Center
Computing and Networking Technologies Organization
New Mexico State University, Las Cruces
Here are some more dumb dog stories, this time culled from alt.stupidity. Note
the difference in tone from those posted to rec.pets.dogs and rec.humor.
Harold
Article: 14948 of alt.stupidity
From: syed@kimbark.uchicago.edu (Jamie Bass - The Ham Sandwich)
Subject: Re: How Stupid Is Your Dog?
Organization: The University of Chicago Ctenophora Organ
Date: Mon, 24 Jan 1994 06:02:47 GMT
Lines: 15
My first dog, named "Tommy," was an odd looking setter/mutt combo and through
the years did many, many, *MANY* stupid things (RIP, old friend.)
One of the more amazing things about Tommy was that he ate fruits and vegetables
with gusto. Needless to say, these upset his stomach, resulting in massive,
smelly farts and liquidy poops. Sometimes as a change of taste he would round
off his diet by snarfing a gym sock or two (w/o chewing!)
Then on our late evening walk after the feast he would pass a relatively
*intact* banana peel or the sock.
Sigh, it's been over ten years since he passed away and I still miss him...
Jamie Bass - The Ham Sandwich
Article: 14953 of alt.stupidity
From: troise@is.morgan.com (Christopher Troise)
Subject: Re: How Stupid Is Your Dog?
Organization: Morgan Stanley - IS
Date: Mon, 24 Jan 1994 09:25:05 GMT
Gross Stupid Dog Story, scroll down ....
OK, so everyone left is in the mood for a gross dumb dog story.
My co-worker (this has nothing to do with me) used to live in a dorm room with a
window overlooking a bush in the front yard. Every now and then this certain
dog would come over, walk to the bush, and then back into it. As he backed into
it his hindquarters would get lifted into the air (the bush was the strong,
thorny type). Soon he (the dog) would have his butt in the bush, two feet in
the air, hind legs completely free of the ground. Plop plop, he would go to the
bathroom whereupon the turds would stick to the branches and hang like Christmas
tree ornaments. The dog would then slowly walk forward and, easing himself off
the bush, leave.
My co-worker said that at any one time there would be a few of these things
hanging on the branches.
I have no idea where this dog got this idea from. I would like to say that cats
are so much smarter, but I actually saw my adorable cat do something so
ludicrous involving constipation and a shag carpet that I just can't. Sorry -
you'll have to wait for Dumb Cats Stories to hear that one.
Article: 53338 of rec.pets.dogs
From: sabo@wpi.WPI.EDU (Craig Stanley Soboleski)
Newsgroups: alt.stupidity,rec.humor,rec.pets.dogs
Subject: Re: How Stupid Is Your Dog?
Date: 25 Jan 1994 17:19:51 GMT
Organization: Worcester Polytechnic Institute
My dog (RIP) "Pounce" had very short legs. Every time he sneezed, he would bang
his head on the floor.
Now for a little heartless humor... My friend came over one day (after Pounce
passed away), and we were doing some batting practice. My pal fouled one off
into the woods where Pounce was burried, and after seeing the grave, he began
beating on the grave yelling "WAKE UP.. WAKE UP!"...
this was about a month after his sudden death...
Heartless.
sabo?
(not me)
Article: 53339 of rec.pets.dogs
From: sabo@wpi.WPI.EDU (Craig Stanley Soboleski)
Newsgroups: alt.stupidity,rec.humor,rec.pets.dogs
Subject: Re: How Stupid Is Your Dog?
Date: 25 Jan 1994 17:24:57 GMT
Organization: Worcester Polytechnic Institute
Out jogging with my friend, (yes the same one from my previous story), we
noticed a small poodle running across the yard barking, and hoping to catch us.
I guess he forgot he was attached to a tree by a rope, so while running full
speed after us, the rope stopped him, yanked him up into the air backwards, and
caused him to make the most horrible sound ever heard from a dogs mouth. We
were laughing so hard, we had to stop running. It was even funnier when the dog
got up ad did it again!!
sabo?
(not me)
Article: 53341 of rec.pets.dogs
From: adamj@highett.mel.dbce.csiro.au (Adam Jenkins)
Newsgroups: alt.stupidity,rec.humor,rec.pets.dogs
Subject: Re: How Stupid Is Your Dog?
Date: 25 Jan 1994 01:47:53 GMT
Organization: CSIRO, Div. Building Constr. and Eng'ing, Melb., Australia
Okay my two bits worth.. our dog once ate an entire bar of soap, and was also
silly enough to jump onto a hot barbeque. And a friend's dog used to regularly
mistake people for trees, which was kinda embarassing.. btw I saw an ad in the
paper the other day for a lost dog.. something along the lines of:
Lost, brown cross-terrier, missing ear, blind in one eye, missing one
leg.. Answers to the name "Lucky".
I meant to phone up to find out if it was legit or not too :)
--
Adam Jenkins
adamj@mel.dbce.csiro.au
Article: 53343 of rec.pets.dogs
Newsgroups: alt.stupidity,rec.humor,rec.pets.dogs
From: c4ss@dmu.ac.uk (Stephen Smith)
Subject: Re: How Stupid Is Your Dog?
Organization: De Montfort University, Leicester, UK
Date: Wed, 26 Jan 1994 10:43:36 GMT
In article [2i0ptj$qpf@ucunix.san.uc.edu], brookhge@ucunix.san.uc.edu (G.E.Brookhart) writes:
] In article [1994Jan24.143452.28503@dmu.ac.uk] c4ss@dmu.ac.uk (Stephen Smith) writes:
] ]A friend I lived with last year had a hyperactive staffordshire-cross
] ]of mind-numbing stupidity. When we were in the down-stairs living-
] ]room, rather than let her out the back door we'd open the window and let
] ]her come and go. One day my mate was in his upstairs room and it was
] ]getting warm, so he opened the window. Immediately the dog jumped out
] ]the window, fell two stories and knocked itself silly on the pavement.
] ]It wouldn't be so bad, but she tried it again the next week.
]
] I wouldn't call her stupid as much as well-trained by you folk. AFter
] all, you are the ones who taught her that windows are simply doors to
] the great outdoors.
]
] ]Further proof of mental incapacity : when she was getting over-excited,
] ]whe'd get her pulling toy, one of those rubber things shaped like a bow,
] ]and start playing with her. When she had got a good grip, we'd hang the
] ]other end on a hook behind the door. And there she stayed.
] ]
] ] - Smitty
]
] Stupid is as stupid does.... She sounds pretty well-trained to me! 8-)
]
Maybe, but she also used to sit for hours staring at shadows on the wall,
occasionally trying to lick them off.
- Smitty
Article: 53344 of rec.pets.dogs
Newsgroups: alt.stupidity,rec.humor,rec.pets.dogs
From: c4ss@dmu.ac.uk (Stephen Smith)
Subject: Re: How Stupid Is Your Dog?
Organization: De Montfort University, Leicester, UK
Date: Wed, 26 Jan 1994 10:55:21 GMT
In article [16F49868E.CBARNES@tamvm1.tamu.edu], CBARNES@tamvm1.tamu.edu (Chris Barnes) writes:
]
] [...]
]
] The cat was never quite the same again. Sometimes, without warning,
] he would take off running through the house and crash into a wall.
] You could even say that part of his brain had been fried. Of course,
] for 2 teenage boys, this was absolutely histerical!
]
] ------------------------------------------------------------------
] Chris Barnes (409) 846-3273 (home)
] cbarnes@tamvm1.tamu.edu (409) 845-8300 (work)
]
I know a guy who'd dog's brain is totally fried. He and his oddball mates were
planning an evening on planet Zen, courtesy of some mushroom tea. Without
thinking they put the almost empty cups on the floor, and the dog (a whippet)
promptly went and lapped up the remains. I don't know the details, but
apparantly the dog completely flipped. Ever since she's had an extremely
nervous nature, a tendency to stare at inanimate objects, and generally gives
the impression of being only half there. That is until you take a trip, when
she becomes a normal dog.
- Smitty
Article: 53357 of rec.pets.dogs
From: hstowe@indyvax.iupui.edu
Newsgroups: rec.humor,rec.pets.dogs
Subject: Re: How Stupid Is Your Dog?
Date: 26 Jan 94 09:58:03 -0500
In article [2i1to9$5fo@news.dmpe.CSIRO.AU], adamj@highett.mel.dbce.csiro.au (Adam Jenkins) writes:
] Lost, brown cross-terrier, missing ear, blind in one eye, missing one
] leg.. Answers to the name "Lucky".
It's not. The version that floated around here also said "neutered". :-)
-Holly
Article: 53364 of rec.pets.dogs
From: vln@icpsr.umich.edu (Victoria Neff)
Newsgroups: alt.stupidity,rec.humor,rec.pets.dogs
Subject: Re: How Stupid Is Your Dog?
Date: 26 Jan 1994 15:44:17 GMT
Organization: Inter-University Consortium for Political and Social Research
In article [1994Jan26.032436.20115@jupiter.sun.csd.unb.ca] tzharova@mta.ca writes:
]In article [2hsfmc$dni@terminator.rs.itd.umich.edu], vln@icpsr.umich.edu
](Victoria Neff) writes:
]
]]Ol' Ralph, he was a Collie, and he was
]]too stupid to walk and bark at the same time. And since he was a Collie,
]]he barked and whined almost all the time (sorry in advance, you people
]]with smart, quiet Collies).
] ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
]Smart - maybe, quiet - NOOOOOOOO! Those beasts just CAN'T keep their
]traps shut. Everything in the universe deserves their comment. I own one
]of these trouble-makers; he barks even in his sleep (at whom, I
]wonder?...)
]
]The other endearing detail is that he seems to have no idea about the
]length of his shnozz (this part of his body is obscenely long and
]can't be named 'nose'). If he stands in a doorway and somebody calls
]him from behind, the next sound you hear is WHAMMMM! The first time I
]saw the trick I was afraid that the poor thing would splash his brains
]all over the porch. Nothing happened. Guess there's not much to
]splash. :-)
Ralph did this.... WHACK!! Over and over.... You could be throwing a ball for
him in the house, near a corner, and he would whirl and SMACK his nose on the
corner EVERY TIME. Duh.....
Ralph was running along side his person (who was on a motor cycle) one time, and
ran headfirst into a barbwire fence. Put a hole right into his head. He never
noticed, but we were really surprised that his little head didn't implode.....
My Corgi, who is 27 pounds to Ralph's 67, and a little over a third of his
height, has a wider head than Ralph's. Not RELATIVELY wider, ACTUALLY
wider.... Of course he's dumb, there's no *room* in ther for any brains....
"Not much there to splash" is about the size of it, I think.....
Article: 53365 of rec.pets.dogs
Newsgroups: alt.stupidity,rec.humor,rec.pets.dogs
From: dianem@boi.hp.com (Diane Mathews)
Subject: Re: How Stupid Is Your Dog?
Date: Wed, 26 Jan 1994 15:28:37 GMT
Organization: Hewlett-Packard / Boise, Idaho
In article [1994Jan26.032436.20115@jupiter.sun.csd.unb.ca] tzharova@mta.ca writes:
]In article [2hsfmc$dni@terminator.rs.itd.umich.edu], vln@icpsr.umich.edu
](Victoria Neff) writes:
]
]]And since he was a Collie,
]]he barked and whined almost all the time (sorry in advance, you people
]]with smart, quiet Collies).
] ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
]Smart - maybe, quiet - NOOOOOOOO! Those beasts just CAN'T keep their
]traps shut. Everything in the universe deserves their comment. I own one
]of these trouble-makers; he barks even in his sleep (at whom, I
]wonder?...)
Ha ha! Mine don't seem that noisy - but they're the first dogs i've ever had
for myself... Anyway, Mister was having a rather vivid dream. It was vivid
enough that he barked out loud in his sleep (as opposed to a sort of mumbled
bark). It woke him up and scared him enough that he jumped up and backed
himself into a corner, trembling for a little while before he realized where he
was.
--
Diane Mathews, dianem@hpbs2694.boi.hp.com
My opinions are my own. F.S.D.M., #0.1/2
Article: 53391 of rec.pets.dogs
From: pdaugher@bdmserver.mcl.bdm.com (pat daugherty)
Newsgroups: alt.stupidity,rec.humor,rec.pets.dogs
Subject: Re: How Stupid Is Your Dog?
Date: Tue, 25 Jan 1994 13:06:37
Organization: BDM FEDERAL
We once had an Old English Sheepdog. If it was raining, she would refuse to go
out and would want to hold it all day. But if it was thundering, she didn't care
if it was raining and would stay out in the rain forever running around and
barking at the thunder until we yelled enough and she came in.
--
Pat Daugherty pdaugher@bdmserver.mcl.bdm.com
D R E A M T H E A T E R
Article: 53393 of rec.pets.dogs
From: rebrady@acpub.duke.edu (Robert Brady Jr.)
Newsgroups: alt.stupidity,rec.humor,rec.pets.dogs
Subject: Re: How Stupid Is Your Dog?
Date: 26 Jan 1994 18:21:48 GMT
Organization: Duke University; Durham, NC; USA
I could never question the intelligence of my dogs in public. You should
hear the stories they could tell about me but are to kind to tell.
Article: 53398 of rec.pets.dogs
From: hopester@nature.berkeley.edu ()
Newsgroups: rec.pets.dogs
Subject: Re: How Stupid Is Your Dog?
Date: 26 Jan 1994 18:51:29 GMT
Organization: U.C. College of Natural Resources
My Dalmation, Maya, of 14.5 years died in November of 1993 ... and she wasn't
stupid ... but she sure was funny!
For example: she LOVED ice, snow, and the cold. Living in Minnesota, we had an
abundance of all three.
It started innocently enough: a taste for ice cubes from the freezer. The
October rolled around and we had our first big snow and freeze. maya would go
out and eat ice cicles and snow until we had to carry her back in, with her
tummy shivering violently like a little refridgerator.
She did learn how to fetch ice cicles, though. I never knew another dog who
could do that.
Hope
hopester@nature.berkeley.edu
Article: 53420 of rec.pets.dogs
From: akaz@north10.acpub.duke.edu (Andrew Kaz)
Newsgroups: alt.stupidity,rec.humor,rec.pets.dogs
Subject: Re: How Stupid Is Your Dog?
Date: 26 Jan 94 20:13:30 GMT
Organization: Duke University; Durham, N.C., USA
A few days ago, I was sitting on the couch watching a college hoops game. My dog
was under the couch, hangin' out. Suddenly, the light on the floor lamp next to
me shut off, the room became enshrouded in darkness, and my dog started yelping
very loudly and very uncontrollably, obviously in intense pain. I yanked the
lamp cord from the wall, and upon examination discovered that, yes, she had
chewed through the damn thing. She spent the rest of the day hiding under the
bed.
Article: 53234 of rec.pets.dogs From: CBARNES@tamvm1.tamu.edu (Chris Barnes)
Newsgroups: alt.stupidity,rec.humor,rec.pets.dogs Subject: Re: How Stupid Is
Your Dog? Date: Tue, 25 Jan 94 09:34:01 CST Organization: Texas A&M University
Lines: 41
baker@iastate.edu (A Hideously Aggressive BFG) writes:
]The Des Moines Register recently announced a contest for the Stupidest Dog in
]Iowa. Being a plagarist, I decided to swipe this idea and pick the .net's
]collective brain for your cretinous canine stories. Nothing cruel, like how
]you laughed when your dog's tongue got a little too close to the sewing
]machine.
Well, keeping with my belief that cats are far dumber than dogs, I'll add this:
When I was growing up, we had a 10 acre pasture behind our house where we kept
our horses. To keep the horses in, we used 2 strands wire attached to an
electric fence charger. The bottom strand was only about 1.5 feet off the
ground (the top strand was about 4 feet). One day, right after it had rained
and the ground was nice and wet, one of our cats was walking out to the barn (to
chase mice ?) and a rather proud manner (ie. his tail was sticking straight up
in the air). As he went under the fence, his tail touched the wire and gave him
a momentary shock (the strength of this fence was enough to knock us kids on our
backside, but do no permanent damage). Well this shock made the cat mad, so he
turned around and bit the fence! Well, since the ground was wet, the cat was
just frozen there. Fortunately, my dad was standing right there and grabbed
both sides of the wire (taking the shock himself) and gave the wire a good
shake, knocking the cat off.
The cat was never quite the same again. Sometimes, without warning, he would
take off running through the house and crash into a wall. You could even say
that part of his brain had been fried. Of course, for 2 teenage boys, this was
absolutely histerical!
------------------------------------------------------------------ Chris
Barnes (409) 846-3273 (home)
cbarnes@tamvm1.tamu.edu (409) 845-8300 (work)
"A goal is just a dream with a date on it"
"A career is not an end unto itself. It is a vehicle to an end (a goal).
People have forgotten that. When they realize they can't reach their REAL
goals, they make the career become the goal."
Article: 53299 of rec.pets.dogs
Newsgroups: alt.stupidity,rec.humor,rec.pets.dogs
From: tzharova@mta.ca
Subject: Re: How Stupid Is Your Dog?
Organization: Mount Allison U, Sackville, N.B. Canada
Date: Wed, 26 Jan 1994 03:24:36 GMT
In article [2hsfmc$dni@terminator.rs.itd.umich.edu], vln@icpsr.umich.edu
(Victoria Neff) writes:
]Ol' Ralph, he was a Collie, and he was
]too stupid to walk and bark at the same time. And since he was a Collie,
]he barked and whined almost all the time (sorry in advance, you people
]with smart, quiet Collies).
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Smart - maybe, quiet - NOOOOOOOO! Those beasts just CAN'T keep their traps shut.
Everything in the universe deserves their comment. I own one of these
trouble-makers; he barks even in his sleep (at whom, I wonder?...)
The other endearing detail is that he seems to have no idea about the length of
his shnozz (this part of his body is obscenely long and can't be named 'nose').
If he stands in a doorway and somebody calls him from behind, the next sound you
hear is WHAMMMM! The first time I saw the trick I was afraid that the poor thing
would splash his brains all over the porch. Nothing happened. Guess there's not
much to splash. :-)
Article: 53300 of rec.pets.dogs
Newsgroups: alt.stupidity,rec.humor,rec.pets.dogs
From: jmorley@netcom.com (Janice L. Morley)
Subject: Re: How Stupid Is Your Dog?
Organization: Netcom Online Communications Services (408-241-9760 login: guest)
Date: Tue, 25 Jan 1994 23:20:04 GMT
In article [16F49868E.CBARNES@tamvm1.tamu.edu] CBARNES@tamvm1.tamu.edu (Chris Barnes) writes:
]baker@iastate.edu (A Hideously Aggressive BFG) writes:
]
]The cat was never quite the same again. Sometimes, without warning,
]he would take off running through the house and crash into a wall.
]You could even say that part of his brain had been fried. Of course,
]for 2 teenage boys, this was absolutely histerical!
]
My cat Max is an adopted stray. Sometimes he'll stare at a door frame for
awhile, jump up it, then run away. Bella has learned to anticipate this
behavior, and usually watches Max in preparation of pursuing him as he runs off.
At least Bella has learned to stay off the door frames :-)
#Janice, Bella's Mommy
Article: 53904 of rec.pets.dogs
From: Robert.J.Racusin@dartmouth.edu (Robert J. Racusin)
Newsgroups: alt.stupidity,rec.humor,rec.pets.dogs
Subject: Re: How Stupid Is Your Dog?
Date: 31 Jan 1994 14:35:33 GMT
Organization: Dartmouth College, Hanover, NH
Hee hee, I have to tell you about silly Buttons, the crazy Dalmation. She eats
entire packs of gum, stick of butter,etc. Once she got a whole loaf of french
bread. One time we got a Boston cream pie for my Dad's birthday, and we went in
to the kitchen to get candles for it, stupidly leaving the cake on the dining
room table. We came back about 30 seconds later and the cake was GONE! she ate
the whole thing. If my Mom is on the phone, Buttons barks at her (Mom) until mom
gets off the phone. Once we were playing with a Super Ball and we threw it;
buttons came running, jumped up, and gloonk! It went down the hatch, she
swallowed it whole! (I won't tell you where we next saw it). One time we were
eating dinner (I didn't get to see this, I deeply regret, cause I was at school,
but my Mom told me about it) and my Mom threw a piece of bread into the kitchen
where Buttons was begging. Buttons ran to get it, WAILED her head into a cabinet
REALLY HARD: WHANNNNNGGGGGGG!!!!! but she didn't miss a stride, she ricocheted
off the cabinet, kept going, grabbed the bread and ate it. It didn't faze her at
all. Talk about a thick skull! When we finish dinner, she sits and barks at us
until we clear the table. obviously hoping to get a piece of the action. What a
silly dog, I could go on and on... And wait till Stupid Cat Stories when I tell
you about the poor,late Jericho (R.I.P.) Jessica Racusin NOTE: Robert J. is my
Dad, I am using his account while on break. I'm his daughter.
Article: 53566 of rec.pets.dogs
Newsgroups: rec.humor,rec.pets.dogs
From: diamong@govonca.gov.on.ca (Gerald Diamond)
Subject: Re: How Stupid Is Your Dog?
Organization: Government of Ontario
Date: Thu, 27 Jan 1994 21:02:16 GMT
Not *my* dog but...
When I was a poor student I had a summer job to and from which I bicycled. On
the route was a house with a large veranda and a tall wooden fence. Each
morning, as I went past, one of the two airedales sitting on the veranda would
see me, jump off, run to the fence, make a vain attempt to jump the fence (I
assume) with the inevitible THUD as it didn't make it. It got to be relatively
funny - I would have chosen a different rout had one been available as I worried
about the long term durability of the fence.
I've always thought that airedales must have been out digging up
someone's garden when God passed out the brains.
--
+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+
Gerald Diamond | diamong@gov.on.ca |\
(Liam's dad!) | | \
| God put me here with certain things | \
I spoke only for my | to do and right now I'm so far behind | \ ^. .]
bicycle and myself! | I'll probably never die. - Calvin | u
Article: 53573 of rec.pets.dogs
Newsgroups: rec.humor,rec.pets.dogs
From: shari@modcomp.uucp (Shari Bernhard)
Subject: Re: How Stupid Is Your Dog?
Organization: MODCOMP, an AEG company
Date: Thu, 27 Jan 1994 21:56:00 GMT
]Found on rec.humor and rec.pets.dogs:
]In article [1994Jan21.230217.3318@ivax], hstowe@indyvax.iupui.edu writes...
]]
]]A woman with whom I was speaking at one of the local obedience schools told
]]me the following about her sister who has a lovable Lab and lived next door
]]to a woman who was not always the nicest person. The woman had a rabbit
]]named Ben who lived in an outside hutch. The woman consistently badgered
[...]
]]Well, one day the Lab appeared at the sister's door with a very dirty and
]]very dead Ben in his mouth. The sister was naturally horrified, and also
[...]
]]Ben's body into the laundry room, washed it carefully, dried it and snuck
]]over to the woman's yard and returned Ben to his hutch, hoping against hope
]]that the woman wouldn't realize what had happened. (Apparently, Ben's body
]]was intact...)
]]
]]The next morning the sister heard the woman next door scream... and scream...
]]and scream. The sister went over and the woman was wailing, "Ben's dead!
[...]
]]much) to say... "No! You don't understand! Ben's DEAD! He died 2 days
]]ago and I buried him!"
This urban legend has been around a while. This is the 3rd rendition
(with various different dog breeds and victim-animals) I've seen so far.
But some of the dumb dog stories I've read remind me of an incident with Raven
many years ago. I used to have a pickup truck which Raven loved to ride in the
back of (no flames please! That was before I knew better) and she'd stand there
with her head sticking into the cab through the rear window. Being an athletic
dog, when we were going for a ride, I'd say "Load up!" and she'd jump right into
the back over the side or tailgate. Going for a ride was the high point of her
life next to swimming.
One evening when I came home from work, for some reason I backed my truck into
the driveway, something I never did before. The next day, I was playing with
Raven in the front yard and the dog across the street (the sweetest pit bull
I've ever known) came over to play with Raven. They were having a high time
when the neighbors started call Bandit to come home. Bandit was having too much
fun with Raven to comply, so in order to get Raven out of the scene, I yelled,
"C'mon, Raven! Load up!" at which point she stopped playing and ran for the
truck. She jumped right up on the hood!
The scene that followed simply can't be appreciated without pictures, but here
she was, perched on the hood of the truck, her feet sort of splayed out, nails
trying to grab for *something* and a look on her face which absolutely said,
"What the *HECK* is going on here?! Where's my truck bed?! Something is very,
very, *wrong* here!" while she slowly slid off the hood onto the driveway. She
then shook, looked around while stealing glances at the truck, found the back
end and jumped in. Her expression became, "That was interesting. Now, where
are we going, Mom?"
I just about had to change my undies after that, I was laughing so hard.
She has never repeated anything quite so silly.
/===========================================================================\
|| Shari Bernhard *** Built for comfort, not for speed *** ~O~ ||
|| uunet!modcomp!shari [_] ||
|| [|] ||
|| | ||
|| Mom to: Raven the WonderDog and Frieda the Hurricane Andrew RescuedDog ||
|| Gray One, White One, Little One and Cassandra - sweet kitties all! ||
\===========================================================================/
Article: 53615 of rec.pets.dogs
Newsgroups: rec.humor,rec.pets.dogs
From: wb@beta.lanl.gov (Wendee M. Brunish)
Subject: Re: How Stupid Is Your Dog?
Organization: EES-NTC
Date: Thu, 27 Jan 1994 17:20:42 GMT
My golden retriever/austr. sheperd mix is not very bright, but she is very sweet
and very obedient. One evening we were getting ready to go out to the movies
and my husband gave each of the dogs a rawhide chew and Towanda ran outside
through the dog door with hers. Usually we leave the dog door open so that they
can go in and out. But for some reason (premonition?) I said I think we better
keep them inside tonight while we're gone. So we called Towanda to come in.
She promptly dropped her chew and looked to see what we wanted. When she
realized we wanted her inside. she looked down at her chew "Oh no, they want me
inside but my chew is outside". She proceeded to look back and forth from us to
the dog chew about three times. Suddenly a little light dawned! She picked up
the chew and carried it back in through the dog door. We were SOOOO proud!
When we came home 2 hours later, our neighbor was out in his backyard washing
his German Shepherd who had gotten skunked! See what I mean about the
premonition?
Wendee
&Capella (SAR dog)
Towanda (couch dog)
Miranda "go get the stick/ball/toy/paper" dog
Article: 54042 of rec.pets.dogs
From: dns@sugar.NeoSoft.COM (Dwarf Nebula Software)
Newsgroups: alt.stupidity,rec.humor,rec.pets.dogs
Subject: Re: How Stupid Is Your Dog?
Date: 31 Jan 1994 22:36:53 -0600
Organization: NeoSoft Internet Services +1 713 684 5969
A buddy of mine was out cleaning his Harley one hot summer day. He went in to
get a beer, and when he came out, his rag was missing. Chalking it up to too
many beers, he got another rag, and finished the job.
The next morning, he though he felt a fly on his nose, and swatted it away. It
came back, and he swatted it away again (he was still half asleep, and hadn't
yet opened his eyes).
When he felt the "fly" again, it was too mushy. He opened his eyes, and there
was his rotweiller, straddling him, with his ass over my buddies face. There,
hanging out of the dogs bung-hole was the rag he had lost.
That 80lb rotweiller went flying... -- = Bob Starr = Rap is Crap
Article: 54122 of rec.pets.dogs
From: karey@ramsey.cs.laurentian.ca (KAREY McMAHON)
Newsgroups: alt.stupidity,rec.humor,rec.pets.dogs
Subject: Re: How Stupid Is Your Dog?
Date: 1 Feb 1994 16:32:34 -0500
Organization: Laurentian University, Sudbury, ON, Canada
The other day, in the middle of this deep freeze we've been in, my fat and lazy
American Spaniel leaned up against the woodstove in an attempt to get warm.
(This is understandable, but...) He fell asleep and caught his fur on fire. So
now, our normally golden dog has a black scorched patch on his hip.
And, speaking of stupid.... Our other dog a female German Shepard got tired of
playing fetch with sticks and balls. She likes rocks - not small rocks- big
(nearly) boulders. It takes all your strength to throw the stupid rock and then
she tries to catch it in mid air. Everyone around holds their mouth in pain and
sucks their teeth. Luckily, she has bad coordination, she never catches them.
It also keeps her teeth well worn down (in case she bites).
Another dog we had a few years ago was a fierce pound-and-a-half mutt. He would
go out on three day squirrel hunting missions. On this one occasion, the
squirrel was in a hollow tree stump. The dog (erroneously named Socrates)
jumped in the stump after the chirping squirrel and was stuck head first, butt
in the air, tail wagging. He had that squirrel cornered now!
Same mutt as above once stood in front of an oncoming skidoo for 3 minutes.
Everyone was yelling at him. The driver of the skidoo could not hear us. He
ran right over the dog. All four legs went straight into the snow below him.
After the snow machine had passed we dug him out unscathed.
But Socrates was not without worth. He once took on a bear that was hanging
around our house. The bear threw him about twenty feet after he bit the bear on
the leg. Another time he followed my father into the woods. My father did not
know that he was there. His long fur got all matted with snow, and he could not
walk any more. As the sun went down wolves started antagonising him waiting for
him to die. Luckily my father headed home before they got him. He shoed away
the wolves and carried the half frozen dog home.
Socrates died of natural causes at the age of fifteen (earth years).
karey.
Article: 54171 of rec.pets.dogs
Newsgroups: alt.stupidity,rec.humor,rec.pets.dogs
From: mikef@metter.fmpmis.metter.com (Evil Mike Fletcher)
Subject: Re: How Stupid Is Your Dog?
Organization: Metters Industries, Inc.
Date: Tue, 1 Feb 1994 23:18:09 GMT
mcmurtrey@cobra.uni.edu writes:
] My sisters yellow labrador should get a prize for stupidity...
]He'll eat "anything" (no dirty comments please) he basically ate
]their back deck on the house... One day we went out and noticed that
]the outside thermomoter was gone... we found bits and pieces of it
]laying around... conclusion he ate a thermomoter... he is therefor
]so stupid that the mercury couldn't kill him.... Reminded me of the
]tunes game where your characters can survive a lethal encounter if
]they're too stupid to know that it should kill them...
YAY! Finally an opportunity to tell the tale of my friend's dog Rex.
Rex is a Dobie, and is about as ferocious as a .. uhh.. well, about as ferocious
as John Waters (it's funny if you don't think about it). ANYway, Rex, aside
from being amazingly stupid, but basically good- hearted, will eat anything, but
here's the catch.. it has to have mustard on it.
I received a letter from George (Rex's owner) while I was in the loony
bin, telling the tale of how he and a Swedish exchange student who was staying
with him attempted to see if they could "fill" Rex.. uhh.. as in, make him
full.. like as in he doesn't want to eat anymore. I wish I had the letter
handy, so I could be sure I didn't miss anything.
Some of the food items Rex ate:
(They get increasingly ridiculous for effect.. I sorted them.)
A package of all-beef hot dogs (in the package, but he didn't eat that)
About half a loaf of Jewish rye bread, slice-by-slice, with mustard.
Part of a tub of margerine (the little size, not the whopper).
A whole can of whipped cream, straight out of the can, even though he
was terrified of the escaping gas sound initially.
A bag of frozen peas! (I'm told this was nearly a full bag).
A marzipan pig.
Several Aunt Jemima frozen waffles (required mustard).
A bar of modeling clay (the plasticine kind)!
A photograph of George's brother (required mustard).
A blank page out of Anders' (the exchange student) passport.
and, finally..
About half-a-dozen of those no-melt ice-cube balls. (They're these little
plastic balls filled with water that you freeze and use as icecubes so when they
melt, they don't water down your drink.) Yes. They required mustard.
On a slightly more disgusting note, George's previous dog, Thor (say, T'or) used
to eat socks out of the laundry basket. The disgusting part was that the socks
wouldn't digest which (how can I phrase this delicately?) would basically turn
Thor into a sausage factory.
"Hey.. what's my sock doing out here in the.. WHOA!"
fletcher
(no names have been changed to protect anybody!)
Article: 54719 of rec.pets.dogs
From: baker@iastate.edu (A Hideously Aggressive BFG)
Newsgroups: alt.stupidity,rec.humor,rec.pets.dogs
Subject: How Stupid Is Your Dog Update.
Date: 7 Feb 1994 02:13:27 GMT
Organization: Iowa State University, Ames, Iowa (USA)
Your friendly plagarist is back again to let you know how the Des Moines
Register's Stupidest Dog contest turned out.
First place:
"'Sparky came to live on our farm about two years ago. Sparky was raised in a
fenced-in yard to be protected from traffic.'
"'Sparky somehow learned to chase cars on the road...by running along the fence
inside the yard. Now Sparky is allowed to help his master outside the confines
of the yard fence.'
"'Sparky can hear a car coming down the road and immediately runs *inside* the
yard to chase cars as he has learned.'"
Second place:
"'Cassie[a golden retriever] was in our back yard last fall and apparently
watched the kids swinging often enough that she thought it looked like fun.
Next thing I knew she was barking and whining by herself and when I came out
to see what was the matter there she was caught in not one, but *both* swings
and couldn't get free.'"
Third place:
"'When Newfy[a Newfoundland-lab mix] was just a year old, we had him out on one
of his familiar walks in a small fenced-in woods. After several minutes, I
stood in the 10-foot fence opening and called him. He came charging at me,
tail wagging.'
'When he was within a few feet of the opening he veered to the left and slammed
head first into the fence. So much for a dog's natural instinct. Our 130-pound
puppy knocked himself out and snapped the cruciate ligament in his right knee.'
"'After a costly involved surgery we hoped his poor judgement had passed, but
not. On advice from our veterinarian, we set on an excercise program to help
him recover. My husband, his brand new mountain bike and Newfy set off. Not
more than five minutes later I heard my husband yelling for Newfy to stop.'
"'Our 'puppy' had again veered, cutting my husband off and causing him to fall,
which would have been bad enough except Newfy's leash had tangled in the
handlebars startling him and causing him to take off running, tail between
legs, howling, dragging the new mountain bike that he feared was chasing him'"
Honorable mention:
"Ten years ago Mickey[a yellow lab] ate a box of tampons, then drank a whole
bunch of water. 'If you know the mechanics of tampons, that wasn't a very good
idea.' So the dog gets uncomfortable, and her breath smells like a big tampon,
and X's husband calls the vet. It was evening, so he got the answering
service: 'Embarrassed to tell(the service) what happened, he kept saying he
just needed to talk to the vet, but (the service) persisted.'
"'Finally he told her that our dog had ate a box of tampons. The operator
proceeded to cover the phone and yell to the rest of the answering service
operators that this guy's dog ate a box of tampons. One of the better calls,
I'm sure!'"
"Mickey was OK after some induced vomiting."
Also rans:
"Misty ducks when she's in the pickup as they drive under an overpass."
"Then there was the category we came to call Gastronomic Misdeeds, by far the
most popular[a total of 126 letters were received by the Register in the two
weeks of the contest].
"Dogs seem to function on the logic that that it is best to eat everything;
whatever turns out to be a non-food item can always be gacked up later. If
it's a noun, a dog somewhere in Iowa has eaten it.
"Among other items, we got stories about dogs that ate:
"Keys, coins, purses, soap, a cactus, squirrels, firewood, used Kleenex,
gloves, socks, a VCR remote control, dead stuff of all kinds, wicker baskets,
a disposable razor, pins, marbles, golf balls, tampons, rocks, four boxes of
chocolate covered cherries, steel shavings, ball bearings, cat poop,
mini-blinds, a library book, homework, shoes, lit fireworks, holiday cookies,
paychecks, lottery tickets, dice, fish hooks and the crotches of innumerable
pairs of panties. "
"We got no less than six letters from owners whose dogs had eaten panty hose.
Five managed to, uh, digest the delicacy, the sixth dog had to have a $700
operation to extricate them."
*Keep 'em coming!*
I digged my brains out but
I couldn't find out who that chopstick was.
--Gerard Vos
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