These are not my jokes, I just compile them.
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tp001b@uhura.cc.rochester.edu
Thanks.
--begin jokes here--
Guy gives his 85 year old father a surprise visit from a call-girl.
"Hi, I'm here to give you super sex"
"Um, thanks, I'll take the soup"
Here are two I saw recently on birthday card's:
Outside:
We dont feel sorry for you blowing all those candles, what about us.....
Inside:
..... We had to stay up all night lighting them!
Outside:
There is not much know about sex at your age.....
Inside:
.... Rats dont live that long.
An (old) man visits his doctor and after thorough (sp?) examination the
doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would
you like to hear first?"
Patient: "Well, give me the bad news first."
Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years
left."
Patient: "OH NO! That's awefull! In two years my life will be over!
What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after
this???"
Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are
going to forget everything I told you."
Two Elderly Men sitting on a park bench, watch the young girls go by.
One says to the other you know I'm still sexually interested in Women.In
fact I always get excited when I see the young Girls walking by.The real
problem is, that at this age I dont see so good any more.
How about the aged couple (mid to late 60"s) that decide to get married
after losing their respective spouses to death, and then move to Florida.
As they are are talking through the sharing of household expenses
and other miscellaneous things (they're) both relatively well off with each
one having retirement income), Jane asks Harold what they should do about
their own houses."Well, we ought to each sell our homes and then we can each
put half the purchase price into our new home."
Harold then asks Jane what she'd like to do about the grocery bills
and she says "Neither one of us eats very much, so maybe we ought to split
that bill on a monthly basis." to which she agrees. Then what about the
utility bill? Same sharing response.
Then Jane asks Harold what he wants to do about the sex thing, and
he replies "Oh, infrequently" and she says "Harold, was that one or two
words?"
Aging joke-An elderly man tells the Doctor he is planning on marrying a
women of 30 and would he have any suggestions. Yes, says the Doctor I would
advise you to take in a border. A year later at his 80th year check-up, the
Doctor asks how everything is going. He says fine his wife is pregnant. The
Doctor remarks, so you took my advise and took in a border ? Yes I did,
id the reply, and She's pregnant also.....
An elderly man and his wife decided to separate. Before being
allowed to do so legally, the Family Court insisted they undergo some
counselling from the marriage guidance mob, to see if their union could be
saved.
The counsellor did her best, but to no avail. The old folk were
absolutely *determined* to go through with separation leading to divorce.
Finally, in some desperation, the counsellor said: "But you're 95 and your
wife is 93. You've been married for 72 years! Why do you want to separate
now??"
To which the wife replied: "We haven't been able to stand each
other for the last 46 years. But we thought we should wait until all the
children died before we split up."
What dominates the thoughts of men at different stages in their lives:
Ages Primary Concern
0-3 Pooping
4-10 Guns
11-14 Sex
15-20 Sex
20-40 Sex
40-60 Sex
60-? Pooping
This old man marries a girl barely out of her teens. Needless to say
she is asking for it so whenever they get into bed on the wedding night she
asks him "So are we going to have rampant sex tonight?"
The man responds by raising his hand and outstreching his fingers.
"What? Five times?" asks the eager girl.
"No", he replied. "Pick a finger".
--
Thomas Parker (Grumpy)
tp001b@uhura.cc.rochester.edu
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