Humor archive of Canonical Lists

Note, 10/9/99: This archive has not been updated in 3 years now, and I don't have the time or inclination to continue this archive at this present site. I will probably close it down within the next few weeks; at which point, this archive will only be available in a compressed archive so that the contents are not completely lost.

Acronyms

Acronym Alphabetic Collocation Reducing Or Numbering Your Memory

Aging

Guy gives his 85 year old father a surprise visit from a call-girl.
"Hi, I'm here to give you super sex"
"Um, thanks, I'll take the soup"

Animal

Where do polar bears vote?
The North Poll.

Answering Machine Messages

Hi, this is John's answering machine again. He's gone and left me for a sleazy microwave he met at Krazy Eddy's. Life sucks.

Blonde Jokes

Q: How do blonde braincells die ?
A: Alone.

Book Titles

Armed Heists: Robin Banks
Lawyers of Suffering: Grin and Barrett
Nuclear Explosives: Adam Baum(o)

Borg Lines

BorgBurgers. We do it our way. Your way is irrelevant.
BorgDOS: Irrelevant command or filename.
Clinton Borg - The economy is irrelevant.

Business

If at first you don't succeed, blame it on your supervisor.
Fett's Law: Never replicate a successful experiment.

Chicken

Q: Why did the second chicken cross the road?
A: He was stapled to the first chicken!

Clinton Jokes

From a Mike Royko column:
Gov. Clinton, after that blond bimbo got up on TV and said you had been her lover boy for years, you and your wife went on TV and your wife was affectionate, supportive and calm. Would you care to share with millions of American men how the heck you managed to talk your way out of that pickle?

Computer Hardware

Rule #1: The spacebar either always sticks or doesn't work.
Rule #2: Monochrome is "in" this year.
Rule #3: "Extensive computing facilities" means a bunch of 8086 machines with floppy drives, MDA or Hercules on a LAN.

Computer Humor

Q: Did you hear about the Microsoft crystal ball?
A: Ask it something and it replies: "Answer unclear. Add 20 Meg of RAM and ask again later."

Contradictions

"I see," said the blind man to his deaf wife, who wasn't listening anyway.

Jeffrey Dahmer

They asked J. Dahmer's family if they wished his body to be cremated...The family said, they'd like him medium well!

Ways to Kill Barney

4. Get him to read "The Canonical List of Blonde Jokes" to a room full of feminists.

Dead baby jokes

Q: What's blue and knocks on glass?
A: A baby in a fishtank

'Doing It' lines

Computer game players just can't stop.
Computer nerds just simulate it.

Education

Architecture:
Build an exact 1:1 model of the Great Wall Of China by the end of the examination period. You have been provided with 5 bricks and a piece of Scotch tape. Extra credit: Build a 1:1 model of the Berlin Wall using 5000 pounds of sauerkraut and then build Larry Wall using 5000 lines of Perl.

Elephant

What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses in the distance?
Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.

Food

A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"

Fulldeckisms

A brain like a BB in a boxcar.
A couple of slates short of a full roof.

Holiday

All I want for Christmas is a box of Smurfs and a mallet.

Language

-= ways to say "hopeless situation"
Up shit creek without a paddle.
Up shit creek in a barbed wire canoe.

Last Words (Dungeon & Dragons)

"I drink the bottle marked POISON on the off-chance that it's the extra-healing potion."

Lawyers

What is the difference between God and a lawyer?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

Librarian

Books are sources of substitutional pleasure.
Better pay for a good book than to the consultant.

Lies

I read rec.humor before posting an old joke.
I really had to work late, honey.
I swear I fell asleep on the couch.
I swear it's just a cold sore.

Lightbulbs

Q: How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One liberal and twenty eight delegates representing all the social, economic, and ethnic communities.

"Make Like an X and Y"

make like...
..80% of live births and head out
..a bad map and get lost

Math

Math and Alcohol don't mix, so...
PLEASE DON'T DRINK AND DERIVE

Medical

Patient walks into a doctor's office.
Patient: Doctor, people ignore me.
Doctor: Next!

Men vs. Women

Irritated Wife: What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
Hubby: It's not my fault...I ran out of money.

Mommy Mommy

Mommy, Mommy! When are we going to have Aunt Edna for dinner?
Shut up, we haven't even finished your Grandmother yet.

Music

What is the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.

Nun Jokes

A priest asks a nun if he can walk her back to the convent. She says, "Just this once." Upon arriving, he asks if he can kiss her. She replies, "Well, alright, as long as you don't get into the habit."

"Off Like a..."

Off like..
..a bride's nightie
..a herd of turtles

OJ Simpson

At the end of the regulation marriage, without any additional scoring, the only thing left was sudden death.

Old * Never Die...

OLD ACADEMICS never die, they just lose their faculties
OLD ACCOUNTANTS never die, they just lose their balance
OLD ACCOUNTS never die, they are deleted

Operating System Humor

The Task: GO TO THE STORE
Windows: You get in the car and drive to the store very slowly, because attached to the back of the car is a freight train.

Oxymorons

"Anarchy rules!"
"Free with purchase"

Palindromes

A man, a plan, a cat, a ham, a yak, a yam, a hat, a canal - Panama!

Pickup Lines

Let's do breakfast tomorrow. Should I call you or nudge you?

Polish Jokes

Polish firing squad, stands in a circle.

Practical Jokes

Also funny is supergluing a quarter to the sidewalk. I know its old, but in the city, with the diverse types of people around, it gets really amusing. I watched this old lady whack at it with her cane for about 10 min. cursing......

Programming

TASK :- To Shoot Yourself In The Foot
Unix:
% ls
foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o
% rm * .o
rm:.o no such file or directory
% ls
%

Redneck Jokes

YOU'RE PROBABLY A REDNECK IF ....................
1. More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
2. Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.

Religious Jokes

Q: How can you make God laugh?
A: Tell Him your plans for the future.

Rhymes & Limericks

Jack and Jill went up the hill
For just an itty bitty.
Jill's now two months overdue,
And Jack has left the city.

Science Jokes

Q: Wadaya get when you take the circumference of your jack-o-lantern and divide it by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi

Seven Course Dinners

What is an Irish seven course dinner?
A six pack of Guinness and a potato.

What is an American seven course dinner?
A six pack of Bud Lite and a Big Mac.

"Shit Happens..."

Hinduism: I've seen this shit happening before.
Anglicanism: It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans.

Shortest Books

A Guide To Snorkeling In Norway
A Happy Home Life And Marriage, by Donald Trump
A Happy Home Life And Marriage, Part II, by Woody Allen

Sports

"...And here in L.A., there's talk of a teachers' strike. You know, if they ever strike, here's what they should do: The striking teachers and the striking baseball players should switch jobs. You see, this way, the teachers would get paid what they deserve, and the players would get paid what they deserve."

Steve Wright lines

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."

Stupid Users

I overheard a nice conversation one day in a computer shop:
customer: I'd like a mouse mat please.
assistant: certainly sir,we've got a large variety.
customer while looking at said mats then asked:
"But will they be compatible with my computer?"

Taglines

"Beam me aboard, Scotty." "Sure. Will a 2x10 do?"
"Beulah, peel me a grape."

Tom Swifties

"I'm wearing my wedding ring", said Tom with abandon.
"I like modern painting", said Tom abstractly.

TV Axioms

Good guys always win and get the girl.
When someone is dead or dying, there will be a trickle of blood from the corner of their mouth.

Useless Inventions

7-day waiting period (Brady Bill) for nuclear weapons
100% Goose Down T-Shirts

Viola Jokes

How do you get two Viola players to play in tune?
Shoot one of them.

Western Athletic Conference

-- your run to pass play ratio approaches zero
-- you consider 2nd down and 1 a great time to throw the 'bomb'

Waco Jokes

What Does WACO stand for?

1. . We Ain't Comin' Out
2. . We All Cremated Ourselves
3. . When Attacked, CookOut!

Wedding & Marriage

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
- Jackie Mason

Yo mama...

Yo momma so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up
Yo momma so fat her nickname is "DAMN"
Yo momma so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.

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