.TH language humor \n(mo/\n(dy/\n(yr "Language Humor"
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L A N G U A G E H U M O R
.po 0
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Canonical List Of Language Humor (Linguistic Linguini)
Archive-Name: language [plain text version]
language.html [HTML Web version]
Last-Modified: 95/03/02
Version: 3.01
Total-Joke-Count: 473
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Many thanks to the following contributors since the last version:
glauser@sc2a.unige.ch, mike@bronze.coil.com (Mike Fidler), neb@microtech.com
(David Nebenzahl), Eyal Perek [perek@zoot.tau.ac.il]
CONTENTS
WAYS TO SAY "GOOD DAY"
WAYS TO SAY "GOOD BYE"
WAYS TO SAY "HAPPY BIRTHDAY"
WAYS TO SAY "MERRY CHRISTMAS / HAPPY NEW YEAR"
WAYS TO SAY "I LOVE YOU"
WAYS TO SAY EXPLETIVES
WAYS TO ORDER A BEER
WAYS TO SAY THAT YOU ARE LEAVING
WAYS TO SAY SOMEONE'S CRAZY/STUPID
WAYS TO SAY "AS MUCH USE AS..."
WAYS TO SAY "HOPELESS SITUATION"
WAYS TO SAY "VOMIT"
WAYS TO SAY "FART"
WAYS TO SAY "USE THE RESTROOM"
WAYS TO SAY "HAVING SEX"
THE F WORD
WORDS YOU CAN'T SAY ON TV
VARIOUS INSULTS
VARIOUS INSULT COMEBACKS
VARIOUS EXCUSES
PALINDROMES
PUNS
TOM SWIFTIES
TONGUE TWISTERS
WAYS TO TALK ABOUT THE WEATHER
VARIOUS LANGUAGE EXPRESSIONS
VARIOUS LANGUAGE HUMOR
DAFFYNITIONS
WHY ASK WHY
CONFUCIUS SAYINGS
YO MAMA AND DADDY
================================================================================
== WAYS TO SAY "GOOD DAY" ======================================================
-= ways to say "good day" =-= 1 =--------------------------------------------
Translation in (...), pronunciation tips in [...], other notes in [...]
Afrikaans Dumela
Goeie More
Australian G'day mate
Chinese Ho Yat [Cantonese]
Nee Hau ma (How are you?) [Mandarin]
Guao Za [Taiwanese]
Dutch Goeden dag! [goo-dun-dag] [Scottish 'g']
Hoi
Hallo [like 'Hello']
English Howdy [Texan]
Yo! [New York]
Estonian Tere! Tervitus! (greet, greetings) [mainly to "greet">
Tere hommikust! (Good morning!)
Tere pa"evast! (Good day!)
Amharic Afekrishalehou
Wudshalo
Arabic Ana Behibak [female to a male]
Bahibak [nonstandard, female to male]
Ana Behibek [male to a female]
Bahibek [nonstandard, male to female]
Ahebich [male to female]
Ahebik [female to male]
Ooheboki [formal Arabic, male to female]
Ooheboka [formal Arabic, female to male]
Ib'n hebbak
Nhebuk
Ohibokoma [male or female to two males or females]
Nohiboke [more than one male or female to female]
Benhibak [nonstandard, more than one male or
female to male]
Nohiboka [male to male or female to male]
Nohibokoma [male to male or female to two males or
females]
Nohibokom [male to male or female to more than two
males]
Nohibokon [male to male or female to more than two
females]
Benhibik [nonstandard, male to male or female to
female]
Benhibkom [nonstandard, male to male or female to
more than one male]
Basque Nere maitea
Berber Lakh tirikh
Bolivian Qanta munani [Quechua Mayan indians]
Braille :..:| ..:| |..-.. .::":.., :.:;
Brazilian Eu te amo
Bulgarian Obicham te
As te obeicham
As te obicham
Burmese Chit pa de
Cambodian kh_nhaum soro_lahn nhee_ah
Bon sro lanh oon
Canadian I love you, eh?
Sh'teme [French Canadian]
Je t'aime [French Canadian] (I like you)
Je t'adore [French Canadian] (I love you)
Catalan T'estim [Mallorcan]
T'estime [Valencian]
T'estimo [Catalonian]
T'estim molt (I love you a lot)
Chamoru Hu guaiya hao
Chichewa Ndimakukonda
Chickasaw Chiholloli [first 'i' nasalized]
Chinese Wuo i nee [Mandarin]
Ngo oi ney [Cantonese]
Moi oiy neya [Cantonese]
Wa ai lu [Hokkien]
Corsican Ti tengu cara [male to female]
Ti tengu caru [female to male]
Croatian Ja te volim [informal, used in proper speech]
Volim te [informal, used in common speech]
Ja vas volim [formal, used in proper speech]
Volim vas [formal, used in common speech]
Ljubim te [currently means "I kiss you"; 'lj'
pronounced like 'll' in Spanish, one
sound, 'ly'ish]
Ljubim te
Te ljubam (I really love you)
Pozdrav (Greetings)
Maiese Wa wa
Malaysian Sayah chantikan awah
Saya cinta kamu
Saya cintamu
Saya sayangmu
Saya sayangkan mu
Aku sayang enkow
Aku sayang enkow
Aku sayang padamu
Aku cinta padamu
Engkaulah permata hatiku
Maori Taku Whaia Ipo [New Zealand]
Mohawk Konoronhkwa
Moroccan Kanbhik [both entries heremean the same, but are]
Kanhebek spoken in different cities]
Navaho Ayor anosh'ni
Ndebele Niyakutanda [Zimbabwe]
Norwegian Jeg elsker deg [Bokmaal]
Eg elskar deg [Nynorsk]
Jeg elsker deg [Riksmaal]
Op Op lopveop yopuop
Orangutan Ooook!!!
Osetian Aez dae warzyn
Pakistani Muje se mu habbat hai
Mein tum se pyar karti hoon
Persian Tora dust midaram [Farsi]
Asheghetam [Farsi]
Doostat daram [Farsi]
Mahn doostaht doh-rahm [Farsi]
Man ashe ghetam [Farsi]
Philippine Mahal kita
Iniibig kita
Sinisinta kita
Iniirog kita
Ginahigugma ko ikaw [Ilonggo]
Namumutan ta ka [Bicol]
Gihigugma ko ikaw [Cebuano]
Ay ayating ka [Ilocano]
Mahal kita [Tagalog]
Pig Latin Ie ovele ouye
Polish Kocham cie
Kocham ciebie
Yacha kocham
Portuguese Eu amo te
Amo te
Gosto de ti, porra [Alentejano]
Quenya Tye-mela'ne [Elf language by J. R. R. Tolkien]
Romanian Te iu besc
Te ador
Russian Ya lyublyu tebya
Ya tyebya lyublyu [best]
Ya vas lyublyu (No literal
translation. Just simply a swear word.
(one of the worst!))
Vok [fok] (fuck; used in times of extreme
frustration.)
Arabic Elif air ab dinich! [DEEN-ich] (A thousand dicks in your
religion!)
Elif air ab kisich! (A thousand dicks in your pussy!)
Elif air ab tizak! (A thousand dicks in your ass!)
kelbeh [KEL-ba] (Lit. a female dog; insulting to
call a woman this, though)
kis [kiss] (vagina)
Mos zibby! (Suck my dick!)
Muti [MOOT-i] (Lit. a donkey; to a person,
it's jackass)
Nikomak [Neek-oh-mack] (Fuck your mother)
sharmuta [shar-MOOT-a] (whore)
Waj ab zibik! (An infection to your dick!)
zarba (shit; noun)
zib (penis)
Bengali Baing chood! (Sister fucker!)
Chood! (Fuck/fucker!)
Choodmarani! (Mother fucker!)
Dhon! (Dick!)
Gud! (Pussy!)
Haramjada! (Bastard!)
Khanki/maggi! (Whore!)
Laewra aga! (Dickhead!)
Tor bapre choodi! (Fuck your dad!)
Canadian Bais moi! (Fuck me! [Quebec])
Baisez vous (Fuck you! [Quebec])
Bapteme [Quebec]
Calisse [Quebec]
Encule! (Fuck you *
%%
" bad" printf(" mean");
" big" printf(" bitchin'est");
" body" printf(" bod");
" bore" printf(" drag");
" car " printf(" rod ");
" dirty" printf(" grodie");
" filthy" printf(" grodie to thuh max");
" food" printf(" munchies");
" girl" printf(" chick");
" good" printf(" bitchin'");
" great" printf(" awesum");
" gross" printf(" grodie");
" guy" printf(" dude");
" her " printf(" that chick ");
" her." printf(" that chick.");
" him " printf(" that dude ");
" him." printf(" that dude.");
" can be " |
" can't be " |
" should have been " |
" shouldn't have been " |
" should be " |
" shouldn't be " |
" was " |
" wasn't " |
" will be " |
" won't be " |
" is " {
ECHO;
switch(rand() % 6)
{
case 0:
printf("like, ya know, "); break;
case 1:
printf(""); break;
case 2:
printf("like wow! "); break;
case 3:
printf("ya know, like, "); break;
case 4:
printf(""); break;
case 5:
printf(""); break;
}
}
" house" printf(" pad");
" interesting" printf(" cool");
" large" printf(" awesum");
" leave" printf(" blow");
" man " printf(" nerd ");
" maybe " {
switch(rand() % 6)
{
case 0:
printf(" if you're a Pisces "); break;
case 1:
printf(" if the moon is full "); break;
case 2:
printf(" if the vibes are right "); break;
case 3:
printf(" when you get the feeling "); break;
case 4:
printf(" maybe "); break;
case 5:
printf(" maybe "); break;
}
}
" meeting" printf(" party");
" movie" printf(" flick");
" music " printf(" tunes ");
" neat" printf(" keen");
" nice" printf(" class");
" no way" printf(" just no way");
" people" printf(" guys");
" really" printf(" totally");
" strange" printf(" freaky");
" the " printf(" thuh ");
" very" printf(" super");
" want" printf(" want");
" weird" printf(" far out");
" yes" printf(" fer shure");
"But " printf("Man, ");
"He " printf("That dude ");
"I like" printf("I can dig");
"No," printf("Like, no way,");
Sir printf("Man");
"She " printf("That fox ");
This printf("Like, ya know, this");
There printf("Like, there");
"We " printf("Us guys ");
"Yes," printf("Like,");
", " {
switch(rand() % 6)
{
case 0:
printf(", like, "); break;
case 1:
printf(", fer shure, "); break;
case 2:
printf(", like, wow, "); break;
case 3:
printf(", oh, baby, "); break;
case 4:
printf(", man, "); break;
case 5:
printf(", mostly, "); break;
}
}
! {
switch(rand() % 3)
{
case 0:
printf("! Gag me with a SPOOOOON!"); break;
case 1:
printf("! Gag me with a pitchfork!"); break;
case 2:
printf("! Oh, wow!");
}
}
ing printf("in'");
. ECHO;
%%
main()
{
srand(getpid());
yylex();
}
-= various language humor =-= 3 =--------------------------------------------
German -] English Dictionary of Useful Terms
Fahrfrompoopin - constipated
Fahrfromthinking - dumb blonde
Flippenflappenmudschlappen - windshield wipers
Gutenteit - virgin
Shlappinweinerschnitzel - masturbation
Shtopemfrumflopen - bra
Stoppentitzenfloppen - bra
Wienerschleider - vaseline
-= various language humor =-= 4 =--------------------------------------------
Wifespeak -] English Translation Guide
Wifespeak English
--------- -------
You want You want
We need I want
It's your decision The correct decision should be obvious
by now
Do what you want You'll pay for this later
We need to talk I need to complain
Sure...go ahead I don't want you to.
I'm not upset Of course I'm upset, you moron.
You're...so manly You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight. Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not I'm on my period.
overreacting!
Be romantic, turn out the lights. I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient. I want a new house.
I want new curtains and carpeting, furniture, wallpaper...
I need wedding shoes the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of
white
Hang the picture there No, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? I did something today you're really not
going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute. Kick off your shoes and find a good game
on T.V.
Is my butt fat? Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? [Too late, your dead.]
Yes No
No No
Maybe No
I'm sorry. You'll be sorry.
Do you like this recipe? It's easy to fix, so you'd better get
get used to it.
Was that the baby? Why don't you get out of bed and walk him
until he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling! Yes I am yelling because I think this is
important.
All we're going to buy is a soap dish It goes without saying that we're
stopping at the cosmetics department,
the shoe department, I need to look at
a few new pocketbooks, and, ohmygod,
there's a sale in lingerie, and
wouldn't these pink sheets look great
in the bedroom and did you bring your
checkbook?
In answer to the question "What's wrong?"
The same old thing. Nothing.
Nothing. Everything.
Everything. My PMS is acting up.
Nothing, really. It's just that you're such an asshole.
I don't want to talk about it. Go away, I'm still building up steam.
-= various language humor =-= 5 =--------------------------------------------
Stan Kelly-Bootle, in "The Devil's DP Dictionary", has already pointed out some
of the hazards of truncation (or, as he would say, curtation) in daily life. But
I was nonetheless surprised to discover, watching the readout in the supermarket
check-out line, that I had just bought a "Chicken Live".
-= various language humor =-= 6 =--------------------------------------------
I use to work at Orchard Supply Hardware during my college days. I remember
the first week I was there, I stood proud in the aisle, blue smock with the gold
OSH letters printed ever so boldly, until this old granny walks up to me and
says: "Sonny, can I see your nuts?" (true story)
Another question I was asked: "How big are your screws?" - big enough lady!
or... "Do you have the time?" - you got the place? or... "Do you have a prick
punch?" - what size?
-= various language humor =-= 7 =--------------------------------------------
It's odd and a little unsettling to reflect upon the fact that English is the
only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many other languages, "You"
is capitalized and the "i" is lower case. - Sydney J. Harris
-= various language humor =-= 8 =--------------------------------------------
Comments On The Future Evolution Of Languages
There are consistent trends in the past evolution of languages, and in all
likelihood they will continue to change in the same fashion in the future.
In 200 years, spoken French will have only one sound, a vowel. All
consonants and gaps between words and sentences will disappear, leaving only an
extended "Eauuuuuuuuuuuu..." Meaning will be inferred from facial expression.
Written French will stay exactly the same.
These consonants will not be entirely forgotten; they will migrate to
Czechoslovakia, which will by that time have no use for vowels.
In 200 years, the English vocabulary will be the union of all other
vocabularies, but the spelling will be original.
Similarly, the Japanese alphabet will be the union of all other alphabets in
the world.
The Cyrillic alphabet will eventually be the same as the Latin alphabet, only
backwards. A mirror will suffice for translating Russian into Polish.
Finally, in 200 years, entire books in Germany will be one word. Plus a verb
at the end, of course.
-= various language humor =-= 9 =--------------------------------------------
How About More Mynorcas?
Dr. P. Vyasa Murthy recently asked about mynorcas, after defining them and
giving us a couple of examples.
"An acronym is an abbreviation formed by initial letters of several words. For
example, LASER and UNESCO are acronyms. Mynorca is formed by a reversal of this
process. You take a common word, look at one of its funny meanings, and try to
expand the word as if it is an acronym formed by words starting with the letters
making up the word concerned. Then that word and the explanation together
becomes a mynorca. Three mynorcas come to mind:
POSH: Frequently 'explained' in folk-etymologies as Port Out Starboard Home.
This was supposed to have described the cabin assignments for the "Beautiful
People" of the late English Empire when they took ships from England to India.
SHIT: Last seen in rec.humor postings as "Special High-Intensity Training" in a
joke memo. (Those with very large diskspace allocations may still have the memo
floating around. As I recall, it had a bunch of other mynorcas.)
FUCK: Another folk-etymology, often cited by (probably) college Sophomores when
trying to impress sexual prey: For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge. The famous
F*-word gets reduced to an abbreviation for a long entry on Police blotters.
(Variation: Fornication Under Consent of the King. I don't have the background
on this one.)
Bringing up the reference to the "police blotter" reminds me of yet another
mynorca:
COP: Allegidly an abbreviation for Constable On Patrol or Constabulary Of
Police.
But, hey, only a SNOB (alleged entry after names of low-born at English Colleges
identifying the person as Sine NOBility) would find humor in these little
etymological misadventures.
Other miscellaneous mynorcas:
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sex
CONVERSE: Crawling Out Nightly Vamps Ensue Raunchy Sexual Encounters
CUNT: Cock's Ultimate Nuptial Target
FUCK: Female Under Cock's Kinetics
NIKE'S: Now It's Kinky Exquisite Sex
STOP: Slow To Own Preference
-= various language humor =-= 10 =--------------------------------------------
My wife and I once were searching for a Physical Therapy ball for our
daughter. These devices are usually 2 feet or more in diameter. My wife's
sister was visiting once and we all went shopping at the local mall. We were in
a large department store, looking for whatever money could buy and my
sister-in-law, being the helpful type and remembering our needs, wandered off
into the sporting goods section, found a young, male salesperson and very
innocently asked him, "Excuse me. Do you have large balls?". Love to remind her
of this whenever she visits...
-= various language humor =-= 11 =--------------------------------------------
We all know the old saying...
I speak Spanish to God, Italian to women, French to men, and German to my horse.
- Charles V of France
It's time it was updated for modern times...
...and Japanese to my boss.
-= various language humor =-= 12 =--------------------------------------------
Bimbo-speak
Bimbaffled - reaction of bimbo to any change in her environment
Bimbang - the act of banging a bimbo
Bimbank - bank with low interest rates but with beautiful blonde staff
Bimbar - bar full of bimbos
Bimbattle - two bimbos fighting over a hunk in a bimbar
Bimbeaver - body part a bimbo thinks with instead of using her bimbrain
Bimbette - immature bimbo (bimbos are mature at age six)
Bimbikini - very tiny and sexy bikini
Bimbino - young, innocent and lovable bimbo
Bimbintelligence - semantically inconsistent term
Bimbiology - study of the biology of bimbos
Bimblabla - what comes out of a bimbos mouth
Bimblooper - general result of a bimbos actions
Bimblowjob - the best a bimbo has to offer
Bimbooze - favourite drink of bimbo (margarita)
Bimborg - malfunctioning but sexy cyborg robot
Bimboss - a bimbo who is the boss (happens only in her dreams)
Bimbozo - a male bimbo; identifying mark: uses rear-view mirror to
admire himself/comb hair)
Bimbra - apparatus to support a bimbos most valuable assets
Bimbrain - least-used word in the English language
Bimbrand - the type of bimbo (Irish girls make excelllent bimbos)
Bimbulb - light bulb producing 1% light and 99% heat
Bimburger - cheapest snack at McDonalds
-= various language humor =-= 13 =--------------------------------------------
Kansas City, Missouri - Edwin Newman, the retired newsman and now crusader
for clear, simple English, tried to enlist help in Kansas City for his campaign
to stamp out pompous, inflated language. He urged an audience to correct
people's grammar and write to companies that advertise with nonsense.
Newman, who has written two books on English usage, decried such repetitive
terms as "pre-planning, self-confessed, co-equal and successfully thwarted."
"This language is deplorable," said Newman, blaming its prevalence on chatty
broadcasters, bad songwriters, computers, politicians, slick advertisers, and
corporations.
"Are we really better off when libraries are learning resource centers?" he
asked. "Is it safer to drive on roads that once had crash barriers but now have
impact attenuators?"
-= various language humor =-= 14 =--------------------------------------------
When Japanese is translated into English, not by a native English speaker,
but by a Japanese using a dictionary, the results can be interesting...sometimes
a bit philosophical.
The other day, our office received a carton from Japan that originally
contained a hard drive.
Printed on the carton was Japanese kanji and above it seemed to be the
English translation:
Life Is Fragile
Handle With Care
-= various language humor =-= 15 =--------------------------------------------
Franglais Humor
Paris (AP) April 94: In its endless guerrilla war against Franglais, the
government has armed itself with a new dictionary containing 3,500 translations
aimed at 'user-friendliness.' Oops, make that 'convivialite.'
From 'airbag' (sac gonflable) to 'zoning' (zonage), the glossy red handbook
seeks to counter the ever-wider use of English in business, sports, and science
by providing French alternatives.
It remains to be seen whether the new terms, some of them long and clumsy,
will catch on in a nation struggling with itself over how to be modern, high-
tech and cool, yet preserve its rich linguistic tradition.
The Dictionnaire des Termes Officiels contains translations mandated by
government ministries since France started fighting Franglais in the early
1970s. This year's edition adds about 100 new terms and has an English-to-French
index. It also is available on Minitel, the telephone company's widely used
screen-and-keyboard console.
"The idea is to be more accessible," said Anne Magnant, head of the French
Language Delegation, which prepared the 462-page paperback. "The dictionary
must be used by public officials," she said, "and we hope professionals,
students, and teachers will use it." Words that do not catch on will be dropped
from future editions, Magnant said.
Premier Edouard Balladur is trying to push a bill through Parliament that
would toughen the language laws. During a debate in April, one Socialist
senator ridiculed it as "a Maginot Line."
With annual revisions, the new dictionary can react more quickly to language
changes than the multivolume lexicon published every few decades by the Academie
Francaise.
New listings include 'navetteur' for commuter, 'ravitaillement' (catering),
'essaimage' (spinoff), 'numero d'urgence' (hotline), 'telemercatique' for
telemarketing. Other terms such as 'disque compact' (CD), 'furtivite' (stealth),
and 'remue-meninges' (brainstorming) have yet to achieve general use. While
'balladeur' has replaced Walkman, French TV showed an electronics salesman who
didn't know what 'presonorisation' was until the interviewer said 'playback.'
"We find it a bit ridiculous," said Bill, a deejay (animateur) on Fun Radio,
a rock station that tangled with the government over a sex-oriented talk show
for young people. "'Hit Parade' exists since I was born, so 'palmares' would be
difficult," he said. Bill, 25, who refused to give his real French name and
shatter the mystery of his radio moniker (pronounced 'Beel'), said he was more
open to the dictionary's French-spelling adaptations of English words.
"We use those in French, tuiteur, boomeur, that's okay," he said, referring
to the tweeters and woofers in stereo speakers. "French is a very beautiful
language. But using all those words in Franglais has become habit."
Americans say 'a la mode' without fear of prosecution, though some who are
upset by the onslaught of Spanish want a law making English the official
language. 'Toochay,' one might say.
The new French language law would not and could not outlaw street Franglais,
like 'Je suis destroy' for "I'm wiped out." It would require advertising and
officially sanctioned conferences to use approved translations. State-owned
agencies, media and other companies, as well as official documents, already are
required to avoid English terms.
Most troubling to many officials is the increasing use of English in
technical fields. Leading scientific publications are in English, and
executives say they must use English terms in business.
"The financial culture is mainly traditionally Anglo-Saxon," said Jacques
Charbit, spokesman for the Banque Nationale de Paris, but acknowledged the need
for French equivalents. "It's also a question of habit," he said. "People who
said 'debt equity futures' are now used to saying 'contrats a terme.'" One
English word that remains, Charbit said, is 'swap.' It takes too long to say
the French equivalent, 'echange financier.'
"As much as possible, they make us speak French," said Michel Nico, spokesman
for the state-owned computer company Groupe Bull. "But in computers, there's a
whole jargon that comes in American. In our meetings, we speak of 'le soft'
(software)," he said, even though the dictionary says 'logiciel.'
Where English terms will die hard is in sports. "I think they're probably
going to bomb my apartment," said George Eddy, a native of Orlando, Fla., who
has become a popular play-by-play announcer for basketball and other sports on
the private Canal Plus television network. "If they've been using 'tie-breaker'
for years, it's going to be hard to start using 'jeu decisif,'" said Eddy, 37.
"Obviously I think it's stupid when you have to replace something with three or
four words. And you can't tell kids how to speak. They create their own
language."
-= various language humor =-= 16 =--------------------------------------------
Certain characteristics of the Chinese language call for further consideration.
Its signs themselves, whether visual or auditor, are, as has been noted, heavily
laden with aesthetic content quite apart from what they denote. In many cases,
however, the content of the sign itself, that is, the actual shape of the
written symbol, is identical with the immediately sensed character of the factor
in experience for which it stands. These traits make the ideas which these
symbols convey particulars rather than logical universals, and largely
denotative rather than connotative in character. - page 322, "The Meeting of
East and West" by F. S. Northrup, Ox Bow Press, (1946, 1979)
================================================================================
== DAFFYNITIONS ================================================================
-= daffynitions =-= 1 =------------------------------------------------------
What is the definition/height of...
Accident: When presence of mind is good, but absence of body is better.
Accordionated: Able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.
Acting: An art that consists of keeping the audience from coughing.
Activation Energy: The useful energy available in one cup of coffee.
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
Adult: 1) A person that has stopped growing at both ends but not in the middle.
2) One old enough to know better.
Adultery: Putting yourself in someone else's position.
Aeroma: Odor emanating from an exercise room after an aerobics workout.
Air travel: Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil.
Alcoholic: Someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
Ambiguity: Telling the truth when you don't mean to.
Amen: The word most often uttered by a nun before going to bed and she is
really saying "Ahhhh...men..."
Amoebit: Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply and divide at the same time.
Antonym: The opposite of the word you are trying to think of.
Anxiety: "The IRS is on line one, Mr. Milken".
Aquadextrous: Able to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
Artery: Study of paintings.
Auction: A gyp off the old block.
Authority: A person who can tell you more than you really care to know.
Automobile: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.
Banectomy: The removal of bruises on a banana.
Barium: What doctors do when treatment fails.
Bartender: A pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Bureaucracy: A method for tranforming energy into solid waste.
Bore: 1) Someone who persists in holding his own views after we have
enlightened him with ours. 2) A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
3) He who talks so much about himself that you can't talk about yourself. 4)
Somebody who is going places, and the sooner the better.
Boy: A noise with dirt on it.
Bravery: A naked man bending over to pick up a quarter on an island of gays.
Budget: 1) A method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
2) A method for going broke methodically.
Bureaucrat: 1) A person who cuts red tape sideways. 2) A politician with tenure.
Cabinicreep: When closing one kitchen cabinet causes another to open.
Canada: 51 weeks winter, one week hockeyless summer.
Cauterize: Made eye contact with a woman.
Charity: A thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
Charm: A way of getting a "yes", without having asked any clear question.
Careful: 1) Looking both ways while crossing a one-way. 2) Wearing rubber
gloves to change a watch battery.
Cheap: Much less expensive than ones selling for up to twice as much.
Chemicals: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
Chirpes: A canarial disease, no tweetment.
Choconiverous: Biting off the head of the chocolate Easter bunny first.
Cinemuck: Popcorn, soda, and candy that covers the floors of movie theaters.
Civil servant: Someone who is neither civil nor disposed to serve.
Committee: The unwilling, selected from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
Concept: Any "idea" for which an outside consultant bills more than $25,000.
Conservative: 1) A Liberal who has just been mugged. 2) A person who believes
nothing should be done for the first time. 3) One who is too cowardly to fight
and too fat to run.
Confusion: Father's Day in Brixton. (or your favorite target location)
Conservative: 1) A man who believes that nothing should be done for the first
time. 2) A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never
learned to walk. - Franklin D. Roosevelt
Constipation: Teeth marks on the toilet seat.
Consultant: Someone who knowns 101 ways to make love, but can't get a date.
Consultation: Medical term meaning "to share the wealth."
Death: 1) The one experience that we cannot put in perspective afterwards. 2)
God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. 3) Life's answer to the
question "Why?" 4) Nature's way of telling you to slow down. 5) The greatest
kick of all; that's why they save it for last. 6) Proven to be 99% fatal to
laboratory rats.
Deliberation: Examining one's bread to determine which side it is buttered on.
Diplomacy: 1) The art of letting someone else have your way. 2) The art of
saying "nice doggy" until you find a large enough rock. 3) The ability to tell
someone to "go to hell" in such a way that they look forward to the trip.
Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.
Drug: A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific paper.
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Egghead: What Mrs. Dumpty gives Humpty.
Egotism: Doing a crossword puzzle with a pen.
Egotist: Someone who is always me-deep in conversation.
Elbonics: Two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
Election: An advance auction of stolen goods.
Embarrassment: 1) Farting during sexual climax. 2) Photograph of your
wedding/prom show a noticeable booger stuck on your cheek.
Entomology: I fear no weevil.
Eunuch: A man cut out to be a bachelor.
Expectation: A gay couple buying a baby's cot.
Fanatic: 1) Someone who, having lost sight of his goal, redoubles his efforts.
2) Can't change his mind, won't change the subject.
Fashion: 1) Something that goes in one year and out the other. 2) A form of
ugliness so intolerable that it changes every six months.
Flopcorn: The unpopped kernels at the bottom of the cooker.
Foodwinking: Giving exotic names to otherwise mundane food products.
Friends: 1) People who borrow my books and set wet glasses on them. 2) People
who know you well, but like you anyway.
Frustration: A one-handed man hanging from a cliff with his balls itching
really bad.
Garmites: Clothing that fits well in the store but shrinks on the way home.
Genderplex: Trying to determine from the cutesy pictures which restroom to use.
Genetics: Why you look like your father, or if you don't, why you should.
Genius: A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with "bright".
Gleemites: Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks.
Golf: The game where ya gotta get it up to get it in.
Government: Not the solution, but the problem.
Graft: An illegal means of uniting trees to make money.
Hangnail: A coat hook.
Hangover: The wrath of grapes.
Happiness: 1) A tightly rolled booger. 2) A turd that doesn't splash. 3) A
warm toilet seat. 4) Breaking wind in public, and blaming someone else. 5)
Oral sex in the morning. 6) Realizing you were wrong the whole time, but you
are too drunk to care. 7) Underwear from the dryer just as it shuts off. 8) A
ball in the fairway. 9) An illusion caused by the temporary absence of reality
10) Merely the remission of pain. 11) Not a state to arrive at, but a manner of
traveling. 12) Your mother-in-law's picture on the back of a milk carton. 13)
Happiness isn't everything; it can't buy money. 14) Only having to wipe once.
15) Having a scratch for every itch. 16) Having a large, loving, caring, close-
knit family in another city. (from George Burns)
Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
Health: The slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Honesty: Pregnant woman buying two tickets on a bus.
Hospitality: Making your guests feel at home, even though you wish they were.
Ignorance: When you don't know something and someone finds out.
Incest: 1) The theory of relativity. 2) A game the whole family can play.
3) Sibling revelry.
Ingrate: Bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of indigestion.
Innocence: 1) Nun working in condom factory, thinking she's making sleeping
bags for mice. 2) Young woman applying Clearasil over her nipples thinking it
to be a pimple.
Insignificance: When you're in the labor room with your wife, watching the
doctor with both arms buried up to his elbows to turn the baby around properly.
Insolence: Pooping on someone's doorstep, and then knocking on the door to ask
if they have any toilet paper.
Irony: Millie Vanilli on a Karaoke machine.
I.R.S: Income Reduction Service.
Junk: Something you need the day after you throw it away.
Jury: Twelve men and women trying to decide which party has the best lawyer.
Justice: A decision in your favor.
Kiss: Putting your honey where your mouth is.
Kleptomaniac: A rich thief.
Lamb stew: Much ado about mutton.
Lawyer: The larval stage of politicians.
Laziness: A remote control to locate your other remote controls.
Lefties: The only people in their right minds.
Liberal: Too poor to be a capitalist, too rich to be a Communist.
Life: A terminal, sexually transmitted disease.
Light year: A regular year with less calories.
Lizzy Borden: The original hacker.
Love: 1) The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
2) The only game that is not called on account of darkness. 3) Two vowels, two
consonants, two fools.
LSD: virtual reality without the expensive hardware.
Maggit: A subscription card that falls from a magazine.
Maintenance-Free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed.
Meter maid: Windshield viper.
Millihelen: The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
Modern art: What happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade
themselves that they have a better idea.
Modesty: Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness.
Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
Mount Everest: 28,928 feet.
Noise: Two skeletons making love on a tin roof.
Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man, who
has no gills.
On-line: The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer.
Optimism: A guy who gets married at ninety and buys a house near a school.
Oregon: Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday night.
Orgasm: Gland finale.
Oxymoron: One who has used too much acne goo.
Parachuting: Jumping to contusions.
Paranoid: Someone who just figured out what's going on.
Parking space: An area that vanishes as you make a U-Turn.
Peace: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of
fighting.
Perfect woman: A woman who can suck a golf-ball (watermelon) through 50' of
garden hose.
Pessimist: 1) An optimist with experience. 2) One who looks both ways before
crossing a one-way street.
Peter Pan: A washbasin in a house of ill repute.
Petting: A study in anatomy in Braille.
Philosophy: Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
Pickle: A cucumber soured by a jarring experience.
Politics: From Greek "poly" meaning 'many' and "ticks", a small, annoying
bloodsucker.
Positive: Being mistaken at the top of your voice.
Poverty: Used toilet paper on the clothesline.
Power: The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.
Procrastination: Constantly reading and posting articles to Usenet!
Prune Juice: The breakfast of Runners.
Puritan: Someone who is deathly afraid that someone somewhere is having fun.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Quality Control: The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off
a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works.
Quadruplets: Four crying out loud.
Randel: A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an apology for
farting at a friend. - from Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure &
Preposterous Words
Redundancy: An air bag in a politician's car.
Rejection: When your masturbating hand falls asleep on you.
Revenge: A bastard punching holes in a condom factory.
Royalty: Lady Diana menstruating blue blood.
Sadist: A masochist who follows the Golden Rule.
Sailing: A form of mast transit.
Silliness: Dinosaur condoms.
Solitude: An out-of-buddy experience.
Sophistication: Sucking nipples with a straw.
Spinster: A bachelor's wife.
Spirobits: The frayed bits of left-behind paper in a spiral notebook.
Spouse: Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have
had if you'd stayed single in the first place.
Speed: Sticking your buttocks out of a third story window, running down to the
first floor, and seeing your own butt just disappear up above.
Strain: Teeth marks on a toilet bowl rim.
Sunbather: A fry in the ointment.
Sunburn: 1) Getting more than you basked for. 2) A fry in the ointment.
Suspense: I will tell you tomorrow.
Trust: Two cannibals having oral sex.
Used car: Not what it's jacked up to be.
Volcano: A mountain with hiccups.
Willpower: Filling your mouth up with water, sitting on the stove, turning it
on, and wait until the water starts boiling.
Zebra: A sports model jackass.
================================================================================
== WHY ASK WHY =================================================================
-= why ask why =-= 1 =-------------------------------------------------------
Why is it that...
7-11 stores are open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, but still have door locks?
A commuter taking a pee doesn't turn into a computer?
A keyboard is called a keyboard, but it only has little buttons?
A pear called a pear when there is only one?
An orange an orange, but an apple is not a red?
Apartments are called 'apart-ments' when they are stuck together?
Aspirin comes in a child-proof container and bullets come in a cardboard box?
Bananas grow upward and all other fruits grow downward?
Boxing rings are square?
Buildings are called 'buildings' even when they are already built?
Cargo always goes in ships and shipment always goes by road.
Cigarettes are sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Cornflakes and Sugar Frosted Flakes have the same calories per serving?
Corn oil comes from corn, but baby oil doesn't come from babies?
Fire fighters fight fire, crime fighters fight crime, but freedom fighters don't
fight freedom?
Football has such a name when you don't use your feet on the ball at all?
Grass is always greener on the other side?
How did the guy inventing cottage cheese know it was done?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out of its nose?
If a tin horn is made of tin, what is a foghorn made of?
If jail and prison are synonymous, why aren't jailer and prisoner?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
If people wait for the snowplow to come down the street before they can get to
work every morning, how did the snowplow driver get to work?
If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of Congress?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
It's a penny for your thoughts, yet everyone puts in their two cents worth?
Men have nipples?
Mr. Mobius never seems to see more than one side to any question?
People have noses that run and feet that smell?
Sheep don't shrink when it rains?
Teflon sticks to the pan if nothing is supposed to stick to Teflon?
The word 'phonetic' is not spelled the way it sounds?
There are floatation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
There are interstate highways in Hawaii?
There are locks on the doors of 24-hour stores?
There is an expiration date on sour cream?
There is a Permanent Press setting on an iron if it does not work?
They put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Tiny-sized candy bars are called 'Fun Sized', when they aren't very fun at all.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left?
We play at a recital and recite at a play?
When an alarm sounds, they say that "the alarm is going off"?
When a man talks dirty to a women, it's sexual harassment; but when a woman
talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute?
Wise guy and wise man mean entirely different things.
Women call it a "permanent"?
You cannot find fresh sardines in a fish market?
You first chop a tree down, and then chop it up?
You drive on the parkway and park on the driveway?
You have a hot-water heater when you don't need to heat hot water?
You need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
You need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
You never see the headline..."Psychic Wins Lottery"?
You wear a pair of panties, but only one bra?
Why ask why? Try Bud Dry. Then again, if Bud's made from water, how can it be
dry?
================================================================================
== CONFUCIUS SAYINGS ===========================================================
-= confucius sayings =-= 1 =-------------------------------------------------
Confucius say...
A girl's best asset is her 'lie'ability.
All men eat, but Fu Manchu.
America Good Place to Put Chinese Restuarant.
Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be
shiftless bastard.
Baseball very funny game; man can walk on 4 balls.
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Boy and girl go camping together sure to have naughty intent.
Boy who fool around with girl in wrong period get caught red-handed.
Boy who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.
Boy who play with himself pulls boner.
Butcher who back into meat grinder get a little behind in his orders.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Even the greatest of whales is helpless in middle of desert.
Exotic dancer get applause; call girl just get clap.
Fly who sit on toilet seat get pissed off.
He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.
He who fishes in another man's well often catches crab.
He who go to bed with itchy butt, wake up with smelly finger.
He who masturbates in front of cash register come into money.
He who outruns the cheetah is fucking fast on his feet!
He who pull out too fast leave rubber behind.
He who rapes a man's daughter, draws and quarters his son, and buries his wife
alive in an anthill should not expect to sit at that man's dinner table
without the subject coming up.
He who refuses to listen is lying.
He who sits on tack is better off.
He who sitteth on an upturned tack shall surely rise.
He who sleep with itchy bum, he will wake with smelly thumb.
He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands.
He who stands in corner with hands in pocket doesn't feel crazy, feels nuts.
He who stands on toilet seat is high on pot and he who sniffs Coke, drowns.
He who stick head in fruit drink get punch in nose.
If you think it's butter, but it's not, probably time to clean refrigerator.
It take square ass to shit a brick.
It's okay to meet girl in park, but much better to park meat in girl!
Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing.
Lady who live in glass house should dress in basement.
Life is like taking a shower. One wrong turn and you in hot water.
Man piss in wind, wind piss back.
Man should learn to masturbate...come in handy!
Man who argue with wife all day get no peace at night.
Man who drop watch in toilet bound to have shitty time.
Man who drop watch in whisky is wasting time.
Man who eat jellybean fart in technicolor.
Man who eats photograph of his sire is soon spitting image of his father.
Man who fall in vat of molten glass make spectacle of self.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.
Man who go to bed with stiff problem, often wake up with solution in hand.
Man who have circumcision lose a bit of foresight.
Man who is jerking off into a peanut butter jar is fucking nuts.
Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself.
Man who lay girl on hill not on level.
Man who lay woman on ground have peace on earth.
Man who let woman on top is fucking up.
Man who lose key to apartment not get new key.
Man who lose key to girlfriend's house get no new key.
Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down.
Man who polish knob play pocket pool.
Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get A flat miner.
Man who who put cock on stove have hot rod.
Man who put cream in tart, not really a baker.
Man who put face in punchbowl get punch in nose.
Man who put head on railroad track get splitting headache
Man who put rooster in freezer over night have frozen cock.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead.
Man who screw girl on hillside not on level.
Man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.
Man who sleeps with old hen finds it's better than pullet.
Man who sneezes without hanky takes matters into his own hands..
Man who speaks with forked tongue should not kiss baloons.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who take lady on camping trip have one intent.
Man who walk through airport door sideways is going to Bangkok.
Man with an unchecked parachute will jump to conclusion.
Man with athletic finger make broad jump.
Man with hand in pocket not always jingling change.
Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long.
Man with hole in pocket feel nutty all day.
Never trust men with short legs, brains too near the bottom.
Passionate kiss like spider's web, both lead to fly's undoing.
Secretary not permanent fixture until screwed on desk.
Seven day honeymoon make one whole week!
She who rides bike peddles ass all over town.
Soldier who goes to bed horny wakes up with discharge in hand.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.
Support bacteria; it's the only culture some people have!
The hand that turneth the knob, opens the door.
There is no such thing as rape; woman run faster with skirt up, than man with
pants down.
Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.
When lady say no, she mean maybe; when lady say maybe, she mean yes; when lady
say yes, she no lady.
Wise man never hides in lady's closet after eating baked beans.
Woman who cooks beans and peas in same pot very unsanitary.
Woman who dance while wearing jock strap have make believe ballroom.
Woman who eat cookies in bed at night will wake up feeling crumby.
Woman who fly airplane upside down have hairy crack-up
Woman who not practice sex before marriage is sentenced to an indeterminate
length.
Woman who put chicken and peas in soup, very unhygienic.
Woman who put detergent on top shelf, Jump for Joy.
Woman who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Woman who ride bicycle in city pedal ass all over town.
Woman who sit on jockey's lap get hot tip.
Woman who sit on judge's lap get honorable discharge.
Woman who slide down bannister make monkey shine.
Confucius say too damn much! - Confucius' brother
================================================================================
== YO MAMA AND DADDY ===========================================================
-= yo mama and daddy =-= 1 =-------------------------------------------------
A new restaurant just opened up. It serves Mexican and Soul food. It's called
"Nacho Mama."
Are those yo mama's tits, or did Laurel and Hardy leave her their heads?
Does yo mama sell potato chips? I saw her on the street corner with a sign that
said "25 cent Lays!"
Excuse me, I can't seem to find my dick. Mind if I look in yo mama's mouth?
How does yo mama know when she has her period? She can taste the blood on your
dick!
I just saw yo mama walking down the hall with a mattress strapped to her back
asking for volunteers!
I researched yo entire family tree; it seems that you were the sap.
I saved yo mama life today; I killed a shit-eating dog on the way over.
I saw yo mama at the freak show petting the world's largest turtle.
I told yo mama to act her age, so she keeled over and died.
I would have been yo daddy, but the dog beat me upstairs.
I would have been yo daddy, but the guy in front of me had exact change.
If I had change for a buck, I could have been yo daddy!
If my dog had a face as ugly as yo mama's, I'd shave his ass and make him walk
backwards.
If ugly was bricks, yo mama would be the Empire State Building.
Is that an accent, or is yo mama's mouth just full of sperm?
It took yo mama 10 tries to get her driver's license; she couldn't get used to
the front seat.
Leave my mama out of this and I'll leave *this* out of yo mama.
Some women are so pretty, they got their own 900 number. Yo mama's so ugly,
she's got her own 911 number.
Tell yo mama to stop wearing different colored lipstick. My dog's dick is
turning into a rainbow.
The best part of you landed on yo mama's chin.
The best part of you ran down yo mama's leg.
The difference between yo mama and a rooster? The rooster says cock-a-doodle
doo, yo mama says any-cock'll do.
That was a dirty old crack; and speaking of dirty old cracks, how's yo mama?
They call yo mama speedway cause everyone been burning rubber in her.
They say that beauty is only a light switch away; with yo mama, I had to use a
black light.
When you and yo mama had an argument, it was a battle of the wits, Nit versus
Dim. Then yo daddy joined in, and it was Nit versus Dim verses Half.
When yo mama said that she wanted to get an all-over tan, she was expecting too
much from the sun.
Yo daddy refills cream donuts for fun!
Yo daddy should have pulled out and left you on the sheets.
Yo daddy should have settled for a blow job.
Yo daddy so impotent, he couldn't even get his hopes up!
Yo daddy so poor that if he didn't wake up with a hard-on, he had nothing to
play with all day.
Yo family tree leads back to a cactus full of pricks.
Yo house so nasty, even the cockroaches wear slippers.
Yo house so nasty, I tripped over a rat, then a cockroach stole my wallet,
caterpillars ate my clothes, and then the chiggers came out burrowed into me.
Yo mama drives a peanut.
Yo mama got a' afro, wit' a chin strap!
Yo mama got a bald head with a part and sideburns.
Yo mama got a metal afro with rusty sideburns.
Yo mama got a peg leg, wit' a kickstand! (from Eddie Murphy)
Yo mama got a wooden leg with branches.
Yo mama go lips on her ass, that's why she talks a lot of shit.
Yo mama got so much hair under her arms, it looks like she's got Buckwheat in a
headlock.
Yo mama got two wooden legs and one is one backward.
Yo mama hair so nappy, she has to take Tylenol just to comb it.
Yo mama hair so short, she curls it with rice.
Yo mama has 10 fingers, all on the same hand.
Yo mama has 4 eyes and 2 pair of sunglasses.
Yo mama has a figure like a million dollars; all in loose change.
Yo mama has a 'fro with warning lights.
Yo mama has a glass eye with a fish in it.
Yo mama has a short arm and can't applaude.
Yo mama has a short leg and walks in circles.
Yo mama has a wooden afro with an "X" carved in the back.
Yo mama has green hair and thinks she's a tree.
Yo mama has one ear and has to take off her hat to hear what you're saying.
Yo mama has one hand and a Clapper.
Yo mama has one leg and a bicycle.
Yo mama has so much hair on her upper lip, she braids it.
Yo mama is missing a finger and can't count past 9.
Yo mama jumped from a skyscraper to show she had guts.
Yo mama likes little boys, and so do you!
Yo mama lives in a neighborhood so rough, she spends her nights trying to keep
*down* with the Joneses.
Yo mama only got one strand of hair, talkin' 'bout gettin' a gerry curl!
Yo mama owes my dog some change.
Yo mama plays the cello! Oh, sorry, that's Yo Yo Ma.
Yo mama puts her chin on the curb to get her mind out of the gutter.
Yo mama said she liked seafood, so I gave her crabs.
Yo mama scrambles eggs, look what happened to you.
Yo mama so backwards, she she got onto an elevator and thought it was a mobile
home.
Yo mama so backwards, she sits on the T.V. and watches the couch.
Yo mama so bald that she took a shower and got brainwashed.
Yo mama so bald, even a wig wouldn't help.
Yo mama so bald, you can see what's on her mind.
Yo mama so black, every time she get in the car, the oil light comes on.
Yo mama so black, fireflies follow her in the daytime.
Yo mama so black, she can leave fingerprints on charcoal.
Yo mama so black, she has to wear white gloves when she eats Tootsie Rolls to
keep from eating her fingers.
Yo mama so black, she sweats coffee!
Yo mama so black, when the police shot at her, the bullets came back to get
flashlights. (from "In Living Color")
Yo mama so clumsy, she got tangled up in a cordless phone.
Yo mama so crooked that when she pulls the wool over my eyes, its 50% polyester.
Yo mama so cross-eyed that she watches TV in stereo.
Yo mama so cross-eyed that when she has sex she thinks she's in a threesome.
Yo mama so dark, she spits chocolate milk.
Yo mama so dark, she went to night school and was marked absent.
Yo mama so dirty, she had to cut the strings off her tampons because the crabs
were going bungee jumping.
Yo mama so dirty, she has to creep up on bathwater.
Yo mama so dirty, she jumped in the ocean and left a ring around the shore.
Yo mama so dull, she can't even cut a fart.
Yo mama so dumb that if her I.Q. was any lower, she'd trip over it!
Yo mama so dumb that under "Education" on her job application, she put "Hooked
on Phonics."
Yo mama so dumb that when she read on her job application to not write below the
dotted line, she put "Okay"
Yo mama so dumb, she asked me what letter came after "x", and when I replied
"y", she answered because she wanted to know.
Yo mama so dumb, she cooked her own complimentary breakfast.
Yo mama so dumb, she got a job climbing trees because she wanted to be branch
manager.
Yo mama so dumb, she got hit by a cup and told the police that she got mugged.
Yo mama so dumb, she got stabbed at a shoot-out.
Yo mama so dumb, she had yo brother thrown into rehab because he was Hooked on
Phonics.
Yo mama so dumb, she jumped out the window and went up.
Yo mama so dumb, she once set up a rock garden and they all died the next
morning.
Yo mama so dumb, she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house.
Yo mama so dumb, she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.
Yo mama so dumb, she stole free bread.
Yo mama so dumb, she thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet!
Yo mama so dumb, she thinks Moby Dick is a venereal disease.
Yo mama so dumb, she thinks monogamy is a game by Milton Bradley.
Yo mama so dumb, she thinks socialism means partying!
Yo mama so dumb, she thinks that it's the ice cubes that keep the fridge cold.
Yo mama so dumb, she thought a quarterback was a refund.
Yo mama so dumb, she thought getting on the Net meant putting on her stockings.
Yo mama so dumb, she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
Yo mama so dumb, she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
Yo mama so dumb, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
Yo mama so dumb, she took a spoon to the Super Bowl.
Yo mama so dumb, she took an umbrella to see Purple Rain.
Yo mama so dumb, she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.
Yo mama so dumb, when asked on an application, "Sex?", she marked, "M, F and
sometimes Wednesday too."
Yo mama so fat and lazy that it is nearly impossible to get her out of bed to
eat her meals and just as hard to make her quit eating so she can go back to
sleep every night.
Yo mama so fat and old that when God said "Let there be Light", he told her
to move her fat butt out of the way.
Yo mama so fat and ugly that when she auditioned for the part of E.T., she
caused an eclipse by riding her bike in front of the moon.
Yo mama so fat that after sex, she rolls over and smokes a ham/turkey.
Yo mama so fat that even a billionaire couldn't pay for her liposuction.
Yo mama so fat that her belt size is 'equator'.
Yo mama so fat that NASA has to orbit a satellite around her.
Yo mama so fat that she is taller lying down than when she is standing up!
Yo mama so fat that she left the house in high heels and but came back wearing
flip flops.
Yo mama so fat that when I tried to drive around her, I ran out of gas.
Yo mama so fat that when she bungee jumps, she goes straight to hell.
Yo mama so fat that when she sings, it's over.
Yo mama so fat that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to
tow her back into the ocean.
Yo mama so fat that when she was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.
Yo mama so fat that when she wears red, people yell "Kool-Aid"!
Yo mama so fat that when we went to the drive-in, we didn't have to pay because
we dressed her up as a Chevrolet.
Yo mama so fat, a picture of her would fall off the wall!
Yo mama so fat, after having sex with her, I rolled over twice and was still on
the bitch.
Yo mama so fat, after she gets through turning around, they throw her a welcome-
back party.
Yo mama so fat, at the zoo, the elephants started throwing her peanuts.
Yo mama so fat, even her clothes have stretch marks.
Yo mama so fat, every time she wears high heels, she strikes oil.
Yo mama so fat, God couldn't light Earth until she moved!
Yo mama so fat, her blood type is Ragu.
Yo mama so fat, her college graduation picture was an aerial photo.
Yo mama so fat, her legs is like spoiled milk, white and chunky.
Yo mama so fat, her nickname is "Damn".
Yo mama so fat, her shadow even weighs 24 pounds.
Yo mama so fat, I had to slap her thigh and ride the wave in.
Yo mama so fat, I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the bitch's
good side.
Yo mama so fat, if she got her shoes shined, she'd have to take his word for it!
Yo mama so fat, if she wears fishnet stockings, they'd better be 50 pound test!
Yo mama so fat, if she weighed five more pounds, she could get group insurance!
Yo mama so fat, it takes her an hour to take a shit, 45 minutes just to line up
the holes.
Yo mama so fat, it takes her two trips to haul ass.
Yo mama so fat, it took the Boy Scouts three days to hike around her.
Yo mama so fat, I have to take two trains and a bus to get on her good side.
Yo mama so fat, people jog around her for exercise.
Yo mama so fat, she broke her leg and gravy fell out.
Yo mama so fat, she can bump into people sitting down.
Yo mama so fat, she can't even jump to a conclusion.
Yo mama so fat, she can't even tie her own shoes.
Yo mama so fat, she can't reach her back pocket.
Yo mama so fat, she could sell shade.
Yo mama so fat, she doesn't have a doctor, she has a groundskeeper!
Yo mama so fat, she doesn't take pictures, she takes posters.
Yo mama so fat, she don't use a fork, she uses a forklift.
Yo mama so fat, she eats biscuits like Tic-Tacs.
Yo mama so fat, she eats Wheat Thicks.
Yo mama so fat, she fell in love and broke it.
Yo mama so fat, she get clothes in three sizes: extra large, jumbo, and
oh-my-god-it's-coming-towards-us!
Yo mama so fat, she gets winded just taking the elevator.
Yo mama so fat, she got hit by a parked car!.
Yo mama so fat, she got hit by a truck and asked "Who threw that rock?"
Yo mama so fat, she had take off the shower curtain to get into the tub.
Yo mama so fat, she had to go to Sea World to get baptized.
Yo mama so fat, she has been declared a natural habitat for condors.
Yo mama so fat, she has her own zip code.
Yo mama so fat, she has more chins than the Chinese phone book.
Yo mama so fat, she has to buy two airline tickets.
Yo mama so fat, she has to grease the tub before she can turn over.
Yo mama so fat, she has to iron her pants on the driveway.
Yo mama so fat, she has to pull down her pants to get into her pockets.
Yo mama so fat, she has to strap a beeper on her belt to warn people she was
backing up.
Yo mama so fat, she has to use a satellite dish for a diaphragm.
Yo mama so fat, she has to use a VCR as a beeper.
Yo mama so fat, she has to wake up in sections.
Yo mama so fat, she Hula Hooped the Super Bowl.
Yo mama so fat, she influences the tides.
Yo mama so fat, she irons her clothes in the driveway.
Yo mama so fat, she keeps her diaphragm in a pizza box.
Yo mama so fat, she jumped up in the air and got stuck.
Yo mama so fat, she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagen.
Yo mama so fat, she never saw you when you were little unless you stood up on a
chair.
Yo mama so fat, she once tried out a rowing machine and the damn thing capsized!
Yo mama so fat, she puts her tampons in with a bazooka.
Yo mama so fat, she put on her lipstick with a paint roller.
Yo mama so fat, she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist,
they spelled out 'boulevard'.
Yo mama so fat, she puts on high heel shoes in the morning and by the night,
they're flats.
Yo mama so fat, she rolled over four quarters and turned it into a dollar.
Yo mama so fat, she roller skates with Mack trucks.
Yo mama so fat, she sat on a rainbow and made Skittles.
Yo mama so fat, she sat on a dollar and squeezed a booger out of George
Washington's nose.
Yo mama so fat, she sets off car alarms every time she walks into a parking lot.
Yo mama so fat, she shows up on radar.
Yo mama so fat, she skateboards on a flatbed truck.
Yo mama so fat, she stands in two time zones.
Yo mama so fat, she stepped on a dollar and got change.
Yo mama so fat, she sweats Crisco.
Yo mama so fat, she turned around and it was your birthday again.
Yo mama so fat, she uses a mattress as a maxi-pad.
Yo mama so fat, she uses a mattress as a tampon.
Yo mama so fat, she uses a pillow case as a sock.
Yo mama so fat, she uses redwoods to pick her teeth.
Yo mama so fat, she uses Saturn's rings as a Hula Hoop.
Yo mama so fat, she was baptized at Marine World.
Yo mama so fat, she was baptized in the ocean.
Yo mama so fat, she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the New
World.
Yo mama so fat, she was mistaken for God's bowling ball.
Yo mama so fat, she was standing on the corner and the cops told her to "Break
it up."
Yo mama so fat, she wears a watch on each arm, one for each time zone.
Yo mama so fat, she went to the beach and returned with harpoons in her back.
Yo mama so fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.
Yo mama so fat, she went to the salad bar and pulled up a chair.
Yo mama so fat, she wipes herself with a mattress.
Yo mama so fat, she's got Amtrak written on her leg.
Yo mama so fat, she's got her own area code.
Yo mama so fat, she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book.
Yo mama so fat, she's got more folds than a Sharpei dog.
Yo mama so fat, she's got more nooks and crannies than an english muffin.
Yo mama so fat, she's got bell bottom ankles.
Yo mama so fat, she's on both sides of the family.
Yo mama so fat, the AIDS quilt wouldn't cover her.
Yo mama so fat, the National Weather Agency has to assign names to her farts.
Yo mama so fat, the animals at the zoo feed her.
Yo mama so fat, the highway patrol made her wear "Caution! Wide Turn".
Yo mama so fat, the local police hire her for use as a roadblock.
Yo mama so fat, the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures.
Yo mama so fat, the people on your street call her Nightfall.
Yo mama so fat, they call her 'astronaut' because she takes up space.
Yo mama so fat, they have to grease the bath tub to get her out.
Yo mama so fat, they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a
tunnel when they want to clean it.
Yo mama so fat, they use the elastic from her underwear as a bungee cord.
Yo mama so fat, we're all inside of her right now.
Yo mama so fat, when God wanted to light the world, he had to ask her to move.
Yo mama so fat, when I got on top of her to ride her, my ears popped.
Yo mama so fat, when I had sex with the bitch, I had to use a ladder. And once
I got up there, my ears popped.
Yo mama so fat, when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too.
Yo mama so fat, when she dances at a concert, the whole band skips.
Yo mama so fat, when she fell over and broke her leg, gravy poured out.
Yo mama so fat, when she fell over, she made the Grand Canyon.
Yo mama so fat, when she fell over, she rocked herself asleep trying to get up
again.
Yo mama so fat, when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!
Yo mama so fat, when she goes to an all-you-can-eat buffet, they have to install
speed bumps.
Yo mama so fat, when she goes to an all-you-can-eat buffet, they go out of
business the next day.
Yo mama so fat, when she goes to a restaurant, she orders everything on the menu
except for "Thank You, Please come again".
Yo mama so fat, when she goes to the pharmacist for her weekly herpes
medication, he tells her, "No group discounts her."
Yo mama so fat, when she got hit by a bus, she said, "Who threw that rock?"
Yo mama so fat, when she has sex, she has to give directions on how to reach her
tits and pussy.
Yo mama so fat, when she jumped into the swimming pool, people chanted "Free
Willy"!
Yo mama so fat, when she lies on the beach, no one else gets any sun.
Yo mama so fat, when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago...
Yo mama so fat, when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearing
tights.
Yo mama so fat, when she sits around the house, she sits AROUND the house.
Yo mama so fat, when she sits on my face, I can't hear the stereo.
Yo mama so fat, when she sits on her motorcycle, you can't hear the engine.
Yo mama so fat, when she skips rope, she measures 9 on the Richter scale.
Yo mama so fat, when she stands in a left-turn lane, it gives her the green
arrow.
Yo mama so fat, when she steps on a scale, it read "...to be continued".
Yo mama so fat, when she steps on a scale, it read "one at a time, please".
Yo mama so fat, when she steps on a scale, it says "we don't do livestock".
Yo mama so fat, when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th.
Yo mama so fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!".
Yo mama so fat, when she wears her "X" jacket, helicopters try to land on her.
Yo mama so fat, when she went to the airport and said she wanted to fly, they
stamped "Goodyear" on her side and put her on the runway.
Yo mama so fat, when the teacher wanted to erase all the chalkboards in class,
she would just ask yo mama to come up front and turn around once or twice.
Yo mama so fat, when yo daddy married her and carried her bride over the
threshold, he had to make three trips.
Yo mama so fat, whenever she goes to the beach, the tide comes in.
Yo mama so fat, while most people eat till they get full, she eats till she gets
tired.
Yo mama so fat, you have to grease the door frame and hold a Twinkie on the
other side just to get her through.
Yo mama so fat, you have to roll her ass in flour and look for the wet spot to
fuck her!
Yo mama so flat, she's jealous of the wall.
Yo mama so generous, she'd give you the hair off her back.
Yo mama so greasy, she gets her physical examination from Jiffy Lube.
Yo mama so greasy, she used bacon as a bandage.
Yo mama so grouchy, the McDonalds she works in doesn't even serve Happy Meals.
Yo mama so hairy that Bigfoot stole her camera and took pictures of her.
Yo mama so hairy that you got rug-burn when you were born.
Yo mama so hairy, you almost died of rugburn at birth.
Yo mama so hairy, she's got afros on her nipples.
Yo mama so hairy, she wears a Nike tag on her weave so now everybody calls her
Hair Jordan.
Yo mama so hairy, you could sell her as a Chia pet.
Yo mama so lazy that if she woke up with nothing to do today, she'd go to bed
with it only half done.
Yo mama so lazy, she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs.
Yo mama so lazy, she was once stranded for three hours after a power failure on
an escalator.
Yo mama so nasty, I called her for phone sex and I got herpes on my ear.
Yo mama so nasty, Ozzie Ozbourne refused to bite her head off.
Yo mama so nasty, she brings crabs to the beach.
Yo mama so nasty, she pours salt water down her pants to keep her crabs fresh.
Yo mama so nasty, the fisheries are paying her to get her to leave.
Yo mama so nasty, when she goes to a hair salon, she told the stylist to cut
her hair and she opened up her shirt.
Yo mama so nasty, when she takes off her panties, it sounds like Velcro.
Yo mama so nasty, when I called her up for phone sex, she gave me an ear
infection.
Yo mama so nice, she'll give ya the hair right off her back.
Yo mama so old that when she was in school there was no history class.
Yo mama so old, I told her to act her age and the bitch dropped dead.
Yo mama so old, her birth certificate is in Roman numerals.
Yo mama so old, her birth certificate says 'expired' on it.
Yo mama so old, her birthday's expired.
Yo mama so old, her social security number is 1.
Yo mama so old, she co-wrote one of the ten commandments.
Yo mama so old, she farts out dust.
Yo mama so old, she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.
Yo mama so old, she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.
Yo mama so old, she owes Jesus a nickel.
Yo mama so old, she picks up men by carbon dating.
Yo mama so old, she ran track with dinosaurs.
Yo mama so old, she sat behind Jesus in the third grade.
Yo mama so old, she was a waitress at the Last Supper.
Yo mama so old, when God said "Let their be light", she flipped the switch.
Yo mama so old, when Moses parted the Red Sea, she was on the other side.
Yo mama so poor that if a burglar broke into her house to rob her, all he'd get
would be practice.
Yo mama so poor that the garbage man comes by each week and asks her 'pick-up or
delivery?'"
Yo mama so poor that the only thing she gave you for Christmas was syphilis.
Yo mama so poor that when I dropped a cigarette on the street, she chanted "Clap
yo hands, stomp yo feet, praise the lord cuz I got heat!"
Yo mama so poor, her face is on the front of a food stamp.
Yo mama so poor, she can't even afford to pay attention.
Yo mama so poor, she goes to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other people's
fingers.
Yo mama so poor, she married young just to get the rice!
Yo mama so poor, she pulls out her teeth just so she would have more gum to
chew.
Yo mama so poor, she was in K-Mart with a box of Hefty bags. I said, "What ya
doin'?" She said, "Buying luggage."
Yo mama so poor, she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air
conditioning.
Yo mama so poor, she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on layaway.
Yo mama so poor, the only time she smelled hot food was when a rich man farted!
Yo mama so poor, when I ring the doorbell, I hear the toilet flush.
Yo mama so poor, when I ring the doorbell, she says, "Ding!"
Yo mama so poor, I saw her kicking a can down the street. I said, "What ya
doin'?" She said, "Moving."
Yo mama so poor, when I went to her house and asked "What's for dinner?", she
took off her shoes, put her feet on the table, and said "Corn!"
Yo mama so poor, when I went to her house and stepped on a cigarette, she asked
me "Who turned off the heater?"
Yo mama so poor, when your family watches TV, they go to Ed Kelleys.
Yo mama so poor, your family at cereal with a fork to save milk.
Yo mama so short, she can play handball on the curb.
Yo mama so short, she does backflips under the bed.
Yo mama so short, she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.
Yo mama so short, she models for trophies.
Yo mama so short, you can see her feet on her driver's license.
Yo mama so skinny, she can look through a keyhole with both eyes.
Yo mama so skinny, she has to run around in the shower to get wet.
Yo mama so skinny, she turned sideways and disappeared.
Yo mama so skinny, she uses a Band-Aid as a maxi-pad.
Yo mama so skinny, she uses a Dorito to hang glide.
Yo mama so skinny, she uses a tie for a blanket.
Yo mama so skinny, she uses Cheerios as a Hula Hoop.
Yo mama so skinny, sleeping with her was like hugging an armful of clothes
hangers.
Yo mama so slow, she has to prepare instant coffee the night before.
Yo mama so slutty that I could've been your daddy, but the guy in line behind
me had the correct change.
Yo mama so slutty, she blind and seeing another man.
Yo mama so slutty, she could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch ball.
Yo mama so slutty, she could suck-start a Harley.
Yo mama so slutty, she had her own "Hands Across Her Ass" charity drive.
Yo mama so slutty, she had to quit wearing hoop earrings because she kept
getting her high heels stuck in them.
Yo mama so slutty, she was on the cover of Wheaties with her legs open and it
said "Breakfast Of Champions"
Yo mama so slutty, when she got a new mini skirt, everyone commented on her nice
belt.
Yo mama so slutty, when she heard Santa Claus say HO HO HO, she thought she was
getting it three times.
Yo mama so small that when it rains, she's the last one to know.
Yo mama so small, she poses for trophies.
Yo mama so smelly that her feet even send Al Bundy into shock.
Yo mama so smelly that her shit is glad to escape.
Yo mama so smelly that she gets sourdough yeast infections.
Yo mama so smelly that when she walks by the bathroom, the toilet flushes.
Yo mama so smelly, even Secret deodorant told everyone of her odor.
Yo mama so smelly, she made Speed Stick slow down, Right Guard turn left, and
Ban go on straight.
Yo mama so smelly, the cat keeps trying to bury her in the sandbox.
Yo mama so stupid that if she fell off a bridge, she would have to ask for
directions on the way down.
Yo mama so stupid that she go hit by a parked car.
Yo mama so stupid that she sold the car for gas money.
Yo mama so stupid that she sold the car to pay for her car insurance.
Yo mama so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
Yo mama so stupid that she went to a Clippers game to get a hair cut.
Yo mama so stupid that she went to a Whalers game to see Shamu.
Yo mama so stupid, I asked her to take me to the airport and when she saw the
sign "Airport Left", she turned around and went home.
Yo mama so stupid, I gave her a toy poodle and she killed it by trying to put
batteries in it.
Yo mama so stupid, I saw her in the frozen food section with a fishing rod.
Yo mama so stupid, it takes her a half hour to make minute rice.
Yo mama so stupid, it took her two hours to watch "60 Minutes".
Yo mama so stupid, she asked for a price check at the 99 cent store.
Yo mama so stupid, she bought a video camera to record cable TV shows at home.
Yo mama so stupid, she brings a ladder to parties whenever she hears that the
drinks are on the house.
Yo mama so stupid, she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.
Yo mama so stupid, she called directory assistance to get the number for 911.
Yo mama so stupid, she got a job painting "Skittles".
Yo mama so stupid, she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners.
Yo mama so stupid, she once cut off her hands so she could play the piano by
ear.
Yo mama so stupid, she once got locked in a grocery store for an entire weekend
and starved.
Yo mama so stupid, she once took the street car home and her mama made her take
it back.
Yo mama so stupid, she once went to the grocery store when she was pregnant and
having labor pains because she heard they made free deliveries.
Yo mama so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead talking about how she was
trying to make up her mind.
Yo mama so stupid, she puts birdseed into her shoes to feed her pidgeon toes.
Yo mama so stupid, she saluted the refrigerator because it was a General
Electric.
Yo mama so stupid, she swallowed some pennies and then asked if people saw any
change in her.
Yo mama so stupid, she thinks manual labor is a Mexican.
Yo mama so stupid, she thinks MCS is a rapper.
Yo mama so stupid, she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your telephone bill.
Yo mama so stupid, she thought AIDS was a welfare check, talk about "Where's my
aids at?"
Yo mama so stupid, she thought Bobby Brown was a new Crayola color.
Yo mama so stupid, she thought Fleetwood Mac was a new hamburger at McDonalds.
Yo mama so stupid, she thought Malcolm X was the tenth generation of Malcolms.
Yo mama so stupid, she told everyone that she was "illegitimate" because she
couldn't read.
Yo mama so stupid, she took a cup to see Juice.
Yo mama so stupid, she took her nose apart to see what made it run.
Yo mama so stupid, she tried to drown herself in a carpool.
Yo mama so stupid, she waited on the street corner with a piece of bread to get
some traffic jam.
Yo mama so stupid, she was born on Independence Day and still can't remember
her birthday.
Yo mama so stupid, she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes.
Yo mama so stupid, she went to go watch "A River Runs through it" and brought a
boat with her.
Yo mama so stupid, she went to the lumber yard to see the Board of Education.
Yo mama so stupid, she went to the zoo to buy some Christmas seals.
Yo mama so stupid, that she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away
all the W's.
Yo mama so stupid, when I asked her to go to the store and buy a color TV, she
said, "What color do you want?".
Yo mama so stupid, when she had you, she was happy.
Yo mama so stupid, when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she
went home and got 16 friends.
Yo mama so stupid, when she went to Disneyland and saw a road sign that said
"Disneyland, left", she turned around and left.
Yo mama so stupid, when she went to take the number 44 bus, she took the 22
twice instead.
Yo mama so stupid, when yo daddy say it was chilly outside, she ran outside
with a spoon.
Yo mama so stupid, when you stand next to her, you can hear the ocean.
Yo mama so tall, she did a back-flip and kicked Jesus in the mouth.
Yo mama so tall, she tripped over a rock and hit her head on the moon.
Yo mama so tall, she tripped in Michigan and hit her head in Florida.
Yo mama so ugly that I wouldn't even fuck her with *your* dick!
Yo mama so ugly that Rice Crispies won't even talk to her.
Yo mama so ugly that for Halloween, she has to trick or treat over the phone.
Yo mama so ugly that her face looks like a bag of chisels.
Yo mama so ugly that her face looks like someone had set fire to it, and then
put out the fire with a hammer.
Yo mama so ugly that her mama realized that bestiality can have some serious
drawbacks.
Yo mama so ugly that when she jumped off the diving board, the pool got out of
the way.
Yo mama so ugly that when she looks at a glass of milk, it turns to cheese.
Yo mama so ugly that when she sits in the sand on the beach, cats try to bury
her.
Yo mama so ugly that when she went for an asshole transplant, the asshole
rejected her.
Yo mama so ugly that yo daddy takes her to picture when he goes drinkin' so
he'll know to stop drinkin' when she appears to be good-lookin'.
Yo mama so ugly that yo daddy takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have
to kiss her goodbye.
Yo mama so ugly that you could push her face in dough and make gorilla cookies.
Yo mama so ugly, I took her to the haunted house and she left with a job
application.
Yo mama so ugly, I took her to the zoo and they said, "Thanks for bringing her
back."
Yo mama so ugly, even the facehuggers from the movie "Alien" run away from her!
Yo mama so ugly, her complexion makes Jupiter's surface look smooth as silk.
Yo mama so ugly, her mama had to be drunk to breastfeed her.
Yo mama so ugly, her mama had to feed her with a slingshot.
Yo mama so ugly, her mama had to tie a steak around yo mama's neck to get the
dog to play with her.
Yo mama so ugly, her mama put rubber bands on her ears so that people would
think that she was only wearing a mask.
Yo mama so ugly, her face is closed on weekends!
Yo mama so ugly, if it weren't for her big ears, you couldn't tell her head from
her butt.
Yo mama so ugly, if ugly were bricks, she would be her own housing project.
Yo mama so ugly, if my dog looked like her, I'd shave its ass and teach it to
walk backwards!
Yo mama so ugly, if she stuck her head out the window, they'd arrest her for
mooning!
Yo mama so ugly, instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they
put it around her neck.
Yo mama so ugly, it looks like her neck threw up.
Yo mama so ugly, it looks like she sleeps on a bed of nails, face down!
Yo mama so ugly, just after she was born, her mama said "What a treasure!" and
her daddy said "Yes, let's go bury it."
Yo mama so ugly, one look at her could turn Medusa to stone.
Yo mama so ugly, people go as her for Halloween.
Yo mama so ugly, she always keeps three bags handy: one for her head, one for
your own head in case hers fell off, and one by the door in case anyone
walked in.
Yo mama so ugly, she could be the poster child for abortion/birth control!
Yo mama so ugly, she could scare a hungry pit bull off a meat truck.
Yo mama so ugly, she could scare the chrome off a bumper!
Yo mama so ugly, she could scare the moss off a rock!
Yo mama so ugly, she could stop the clock. (from a P.G. Wodehouse novel)
Yo mama so ugly, she couldn't even turn on the television.
Yo mama so ugly, she couldn't get laid in a prison with a fist full of pardons!
Yo mama so ugly, she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.
Yo mama so ugly, she had to get her baby drunk to breastfeed it.
Yo mama so ugly, she had to trick or treat over the phone when she was young.
Yo mama so ugly, she has a face like a bulldog licking piss off nettles.
Yo mama so ugly, she has a face that would sink a thousand ships.
Yo mama so ugly, she has little round marks all over her body from people
touching her with 10-foot poles.
Yo mama so ugly, she has to even sneak up on a hurricane to catch a breeze.
Yo mama so ugly, she has to wear a bag over her head, you wear a bag over your
own head whenever you see her in case her bag breaks, and you bring a third
bag to puke into if you end up having to look at her anyway.
Yo mama so ugly, she looks a US Air plane that collided with an Exxon tanker.
Yo mama so ugly, she looks like her face caught on fire and someone tried to put
it out with an ax.
Yo mama so ugly, she looks like she's been bobbing for French fries.
Yo mama so ugly, she made an onion cry.
Yo mama so ugly, she must have been shot with the ugly gun at point blank range.
Yo mama so ugly, she runs around with a mattress strapped to her back asking for
volunteers.
Yo mama so ugly, she scares people even with the lights out.
Yo mama so ugly, she scares the roaches away.
Yo mama so ugly, she was once viciously gang-dressed by a group of Hell's
Angels. (adapted from Joan Rivers)
Yo mama so ugly, she wasn't beaten with an ugly stick; the whole forest fell on
her.
Yo mama so ugly, she would make a freight train take a dirt road.
Yo mama so ugly, she's like Taco Bell; when people see her, they run for the
border.
Yo mama so ugly, she's the cover girl for iodine. (from Richard Pryor)
Yo mama so ugly, the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
Yo mama so ugly, the psychiatrist makes her lie facedown.
Yo mama so ugly, they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star
Wars.
Yo mama so ugly, they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower.
Yo mama so ugly, they know what time she was born, because her face stopped the
clock.
Yo mama so ugly, they only wanted her feet for the freak show.
Yo mama so ugly, they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.
Yo mama so ugly, they used to push her face into dough to make gorilla biscuits.
Yo mama so ugly, when people in yo neighborhood has the hiccups, they go and
take a look at yo mama and the hiccups immediately go away.
Yo mama so ugly, when she goes to the beauty parlor, they leave the mud on.
Yo mama so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no
professionals!"
Yo mama so ugly, when she jumped into the lake for a swim, the lake jumped back.
Yo mama so ugly, when she smiles, her teeth look like dice.
Yo mama so ugly, when she tried to take a bath, the water jumped out.
Yo mama so ugly, when she walks down the street in September, people say "Damn,
is it Halloween already?"
Yo mama so ugly, when she walks into a bank, they turn the surveillance cameras
off.
Yo mama so ugly, when she was a baby, her parents had a little yellow sign in
their car window that read "Thing On Board".
Yo mama so ugly, when she was born, God admitted that even *he* could make a
mistake.
Yo mama so ugly, when she was born, her daddy had to breastfeed her, with one
arm.
Yo mama so ugly, when she was born, her daddy told her mama, "That's the last
time we butt fuck!"
Yo mama so ugly, when she was born, her mama said, "Wait, don't flush, it has
eyes!"
Yo mama so ugly, when she was born, her mama saw the afterbirth and said,
"Twins!"
Yo mama so ugly, when she was born, the doctor looked at both her ass and her
face and said, "Saimese twins!"
Yo mama so ugly, when she was born, the doctor said, "I think it is a child..."
Yo mama so ugly, when she was born, the doctor screamed, "Put it BACK! PUT IT
BACK!!!"
Yo mama so ugly, when she was born, the doctor slapped HER mama!
Yo mama so ugly, when she was born, the doctor slapped the afterbirth by
mistake.
Yo mama so ugly, when she was born, the doctor took her and told her mama, "If
this thing doesn't start to cry in ten seconds, it was a tumor."
Yo mama so ugly, when she was born, the windows of her incubator were tinted.
Yo mama so ugly, when she was born, they put her in an incubator with tinted
windows.
Yo mama so ugly, when she was born on the ugly side of yo family tree, she hit
every branch on the way down.
Yo mama so ugly, when they took her to the beautician, it took 12 hours...just
for a price quote.
Yo mama so ugly, when yo daddy brought her home from a date, his mama put
newspaper on the floor.
Yo mama so ugly, when you look up the word 'ugly' in the dictionary, it just has
her picture there.
Yo mama so ugly, whenever she looks out the window, she gets arrested for
mooning.
Yo mama so ugly, yo daddy first laid eyes on her at the pound.
Yo mama so ugly, yours was a virgin birth.
Yo mama so weak, she couldn't pull a greasy stick out of a dog's ass.
Yo mama so well balanced, she's got a chip on both shoulders.
Yo mama so white, when she smiles her teeth look yellow.
Yo mama so wrinkled, she has to screw her hat on.
Yo mama swims out to troop ships.
Yo mama thought she was upside down because her nose ran and her feet smelled.
Yo mama twice the man you are.
Yo mama used to work at a sperm bank, until she got fired for drinking on the
job!
Yo mama was so happy when she finished a puzzle in 6 months, because on the box
it read '2 to 3 years'.
Yo mama was taking a pee when she had you!
Yo mama waves around a popsickle stick and calls it air conditioning.
Yo mama wears a Nike tag on her weave so now everybody calls her Hair Jordan.
Yo mama wears a combat boots to bed at night.
Yo mama wears knee-pads and yells "Curb Service!"
Yo mama's a sight for sore eyes; only guys with sore eyes might find her pretty.
Yo mama's arms so short, she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear.
Yo mama's belly got so many rolls in it, she has to screw her pants on.
Yo mama's blind and seeing another man.
Yo mama's breath so stinky, I don't know whether to give her gum or toilet
paper.
Yo mama's breath smell so bad, when she yawns, her teeth duck.
Yo mama's breath smell so bad, whenever she opens her mouth, she talkin' shit.
Yo mama's butt hangs so low, it picks up after itself!
Yo mama's butt so hairy, she has to part the crack wide open to crap.
Yo mama's cooking so bad, she sells it to South American indians who use it to
poison their arrows.
Yo mama's feet so big, her shoes have to have license plates.
Yo mama's glasses so thick, she can see into the future.
Yo mama's glasses so thick, that when she looks on a map, she can see people
waving.
Yo mama's got a bald head with a part and sideburns.
Yo mama's got a metal afro with rusty sideburns.
Yo mama's got a wooden leg with branches.
Yo mama's got hair on her tongue and she gargles with curl activator.
Yo mama's got a mouth so big, she speaks in surround sound.
Yo mama's got snakeskin teeth.
Yo mama's got so many teeth missing, it looks like her tongue is in jail.
Yo mama's got three fingers and a banjo.
Yo mama's got three teeth, one in her mouth and two in her pocket.
Yo mama's got two wooden legs and one is one backward.
Yo mama's gums so black, she spits Yoo-hoo.
Yo mama's hair so nappy, she has to take Tylenol just to comb it.
Yo mama's hair so short, she curls it with rice.
Yo mama's hair so short, when she braids it, it looks like stitches.
Yo mama's head so big, it shows up on radar.
Yo mama's head so big, she has to step into her shirts.
Yo mama's head so small, she got her ear pierced and died.
Yo mama's head so small, she use a tea-bag as a pillow.
Yo mama's hips so big, people set their drinks on them.
Yo mama's house so small that when she orders a large pizza, she has to go
outside to eat it.
Yo mama's house so small that you have to go outside to change your mind.
Yo mama's house so small, she has to go outside to change her mind.
Yo mama's house so dirty, roaches ride around on dune buggies.
Yo mama's house so dirty, she has to wipe her feet before she goes outside.
Yo mama's in a wheelchair and says, "You ain't gonna push me 'round no more."
Yo mama's legs have never met!
Yo mama's like 7-Up; never had it, never will.
Yo mama's like a birthday cake, everybody gets a piece.
Yo mama's like a bowling ball, she always comes back for more.
Yo mama's like a bowling ball, she always winds up in the gutter.
Yo mama's like a bowling ball; she gets picked up, fingered, thrown in the
gutter, and still comes back for more.
Yo mama's like a bowling ball, you can fit three fingers in.
Yo mama's like a bubble-gum machine, five cents a blow.
Yo mama's like a bus; fifty cents and she's ready to ride.
Yo mama's like a bus; guys climb on and off her all day long.
Yo mama's like a cake mix, 15 servings per package.
Yo mama's like a Christmas tree; everybody hangs balls on her.
Yo mama's like a door knob, everybody gets a turn.
Yo mama's like a goalie; she changes her pads after three periods.
Yo mama's like a golf course; everyone GETS a hole in one.
Yo mama's like a hardware store, 4 cents a screw.
Yo mama's like a lamp post; she is on every street corner.
Yo mama's like a light switch, even a little kid can turn her on.
Yo mama's like a orange; everyone gets a squeeze out of her.
Yo mama's like a police station, dicks going in and out all night.
Yo mama's like a postage stamp, you lick her, stick her, then send her away.
Yo mama's like a race car driver; she burns a lot of rubbers.
Yo mama's like a railroad track; she gets laid all over the country.
Yo mama's like a rifle; four cocks and she's loaded.
Yo mama's like a refrigerator; everyone likes to put their meat in it.
Yo mama's like a screen door; the harder you bang her, the looser she gets.
Yo mama's like a shotgun; give her a cock and she blows.
Yo mama's like a smokehouse, everyone is always hanging meat inside her.
Yo mama's like a Toyota; oh, what a feelin'!
Yo mama's like a T.V. A two year old could turn her on.
Yo mama's like a vacuum cleaner, a real good suck.
Yo mama's like a waiter; eventually, she serves everyone in the room.
Yo mama's like an ice cream cone; everyone gets a lick.
Yo mama's like Burger King, you can have her your way.
Yo mama's like Chinese food, sweet and sour and cheap.
Yo mama's like Crazy Eddie; she's practically giving it all away.
Yo mama's like Denny's; open 24 hours.
Yo mama's like Domino's pizza; something for nothing.
Yo mama's like McDonalds; billions and billions served.
Yo mama's like McDonalds; what you want is what you get.
Yo mama's like Orange Crush; good vibrations!
Yo mama's like Pan Am, overseas and everywhere else.
Yo mama's like 7-11, she's open 24 hours, hot to go, and will give me a slurpy
for 50 cents.
Yo mama's like mustard, she spreads easy.
Yo mama's like potato chips, Fri-to Lay.
Yo mama's like the Pillsbury doughboy; everyone gets a poke.
Yo mama's lips so big, Chap Stick had to invent a spray.
Yo mama's lips so big, she can whisper in her own ears.
Yo mama's middle name is Rambo.
Yo mama's mouth so big, she speaks in surround sound.
Yo mama's nose so big, she can smell a fart coming.
Yo mama's nose so big, she can smell the future.
Yo mama's nose so big, she makes Pinocchio look like a cat.
Yo mama's nose so big, we use her boogers as basketballs; the ones that she
don't eat, that is.
Yo mama's nose so big, when she lies down, it looks like the Batcave.
Yo mama's nose so big, you can go bowling with her boogers.
Yo mama's got only one ear, talk about wanting to hear both sides of the story.
Yo mama's teeth so yellow, "I can't believe it's not butter!"
Yo mama's teeth so yellow, whenever she smiles, traffic slows down.
You keep yo mama out of my neighborhood, and I'll keep my neighborhood out of
yo mama.
You were born out of yo mama's ass 'cos her cunt was too busy.
Okay, let's get off the topic of yo mama...'cause I just got off of yours...
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