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Canonical List Of Sports Humor (Catching And Scratching Balls)
Archive-Name: sport [plain text version]
sport.html [HTML Web version]
Last-Modified: 95/03/04
Version: 3.01
Total-Joke-Count: 281
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Many thanks to the following contributors since the last version:
Robert Scott [Robert.Scott@ncl.ac.uk]
CONTENTS
BASEBALL
BASKETBALL
BOXING
FISHING
FOOTBALL
GOLF
HIKING
HOCKEY
HUNTING
RUNNING
SCUBA DIVING
SKIING
SKYDIVING
SOCCER
TENNIS
OTHER SPORTS HUMOR
================================================================================
== BASEBALL ====================================================================
-= baseball =-= 1 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why is it so windy at Candlestick Park? (Home of the San Francisco Giants)
Because of all the Giant Fans!
-= baseball =-= 2 =----------------------------------------------------------
A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up to
have a talk with him. "I've figured out your problem," he told the young
southpaw. "You always lose control at the same point in every game."
"When is that?"
"Right after the National Anthem."
-= baseball =-= 3 =----------------------------------------------------------
"Who's On First" (A Sketch by Bud Abbott and Lou Costello)
Lou: I love baseball. When we get to St. Louis, will you tell me the guys'
name on the team so when I go to see them in that St. Louis ballpark, I'll
be able to know those fella's?
Bud: All right. But you know, strange as it may seem, they give ball players
nowadays very peculiar names... nicknames, like "Dizzy Dean." Now on the
St. Louis team, we have "Who" is on first, "What" is on second and "I
Don't Know"'s on third -
Lou: That's what I want to find out. I want you to tell me the names of the
fellows on the St. Louis team.
Bud: I'm telling you. "Who"'s on first, "What"'s on second, "I Don't Know" is
on third -
Lou: You know the fellows' names?
Bud: Yes.
Lou: Well, then who's playing first?
Bud: Yes.
Lou: I mean the fellow's name on first base.
Bud: "Who."
Lou: The fellow playin' first base for St. Louis.
Bud: "Who."
Lou: The guy on first base.
Bud: "Who" is on first.
Lou: Well, what are you askin' me for?
Bud: I'm not asking you -- I'm telling you. "WHO" IS ON FIRST!
Lou: I'm asking you -- who's on first?
Bud: That's the man's name!
Lou: That's who's name?
Bud: Yes.
Lou: Well, go ahead and tell me.
Bud: "Who."
Lou: The guy on first.
Bud: "Who."
Lou: The first baseman.
Bud: "Who" is on first.
Lou: Have you got a first baseman on first?
Bud: Certainly.
Lou: Then who's playing first?
Bud: Absolutely.
Lou: (pause) When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the
money?
Bud: Every dollar of it. And why not, the man's entitled to it.
Lou: Who is?
Bud: Yes.
Lou: So who gets it?
Bud: Why shouldn't he? Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.
Lou: Who's wife?
Bud: Yes. After all the man earns it.
Lou: Who does?
Bud: Absolutely.
Lou: Well all I'm trying to find out is what's the guys name on first base.
Bud: Oh, no, no. "What" is on second base.
Lou: I'm not asking you who's on second.
Bud: "Who"'s on first.
Lou: That's what I'm trying to find out.
Bud: Well, don't change the players around.
Lou: I'm not changing nobody.
Bud: Now, take it easy.
Lou: What's the guy's name on first base?
Bud: "What"'s the guy's name on second base.
Lou: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.
Bud: "Who"'s on first.
Lou: I don't know.
Bud: He's on third. We're not talking about him.
Lou: How could I get on third base?
Bud: You mentioned his name.
Lou: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?
Bud: No, "Who"'s playing first.
Lou: Stay offa first, will ya?
Bud: Well, what do you want me to do?
Lou: Now what's the guy's name on first base?
Bud: "What"'s on second.
Lou: I'm not asking ya who's on second.
Bud: "Who"'s on first.
Lou: I don't know.
Bud: He's on third.
Lou: There I go back on third again.
Bud: Well, I can't change their names.
Lou: Say, will you please stay on third base?
Bud: Please. Now what is it you want to know?
Lou: What is the fellow's name on third base?
Bud: "What" is the fellow's name on second base.
Lou: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.
Bud: "Who"'s on first.
Lou: I don't know.
Bud: Third base!!!
Lou: You got an outfield?
Bud: Oh, sure.
Lou: St. Louis has got a good outfield?
Bud: Oh, absolutely.
Lou: The left fielder's name?
Bud: "Why."
Lou: I don't know, I just thought I'd ask.
Bud: Well, I just thought I'd tell you.
Lou: Then tell me who's playing left field.
Bud: "Who"'s playing first.
Lou: Stay out of the infield!
Bud: Don't mention any names out here.
Lou: I want to know what's the fellow's name in left field?
Bud: "What" is on second.
Lou: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.
Bud: "Who" is on first.
Lou: I don't know.
Bud & Lou: (together and calmly) Third base.
Lou: And the left fielder's name?
Bud: "Why."
Lou: Because.
Bud: Oh he's center field.
Lou: (whimpers) Center field.
Bud: Yes.
Lou: Wait a minute. You got a pitcher on this team?
Bud: Wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher.
Lou: I don't know. Tell me the pitcher's name.
Bud: "Tomorrow."
Lou: You don't want to tell me today?
Bud: I'm telling you, man.
Lou: Then go ahead.
Bud: "Tomorrow."
Lou: What time?
Bud: What time what?
Lou: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?
Bud: Now listen, "Who" is not pitching. "Who" is on --
Lou: I'LL BREAK YOUR ARM IF YOU SAY "WHO'S ON FIRST!"
Bud: Then why come up here and ask?
Lou: I want to know what's the pitcher's name.
Bud: "What"'s on second.
Lou: I don't know.
Bud & Lou: (very quickly) Third base!!
Lou: You gotta catcher?
Bud: Yes.
Lou: The catcher's name?
Bud: "Today."
Lou: "Today." And "Tomorrow" is pitching.
Bud: Now you've got it.
Lou: That's all. St. Louis has a couple of days on their team.
Bud: Well, I can't help that.
Lou: You know I'm a good catcher, too.
Bud: I know that.
Lou: I would like to play for the St. Louis team.
Bud: Well I might arrange that.
Lou: I would like to catch. Now I'm being a good catcher, "Tomorrow"'s
pitching on the team, and I'm catching.
Bud: Yes.
Lou: "Tomorrow" throws the ball and the guy up bunts the ball.
Bud: Yes.
Lou: Now when he bunts the ball -- me being a good catcher -- I want to throw
the guy out at first base, so I pick up the ball and throw it to who?
Bud: Now that's the first thing you've said right.
Lou: I don't even know what i'm talking about!!!!!
Bud: Well, that's all you have to do.
Lou: Is to throw it to first base?
Bud: Yes.
Lou: Now who's got it?
Bud: Naturally.
Lou: Who has it?
Bud: Naturally.
Lou: "Naturally."
Bud: Naturally.
Lou: Okay.
Bud: Now you've got it.
Lou: I pick up the ball and I throw it to "Naturally."
Bud: No you don't, you throw the ball to first base.
Lou: Then who gets it?
Bud: Naturally.
Lou: Okay.
Bud: All right.
Lou: I throw the ball to "Naturally."
Bud: You don't. You throw it to "Who."
Lou: "Naturally."
Bud: Well, naturally. Say it that way.
Lou: That's what I said.
Bud: You did not.
Lou: I said I'd throw the ball to "Naturally."
Bud: You don't. You throw it to "Who."
Lou: "Naturally."
Bud: Yes.
Lou: So I throw the ball to first base and "Naturally" gets it.
Bud: No. You throw the ball to first base --
Lou: Then who gets it?
Bud: Naturally.
Lou: That's what I'm saying.
Bud: You're not saying that.
Lou: I throw the ball to "Naturally."
Bud: You throw it to "Who"!
Lou: "Naturally."
Bud: Naturally. Well say it that way.
Lou: That's what I'm saying!!!
Bud: Now don't get excited.
Lou: Who's gettin' excited? I throw the the ball to first base --
Bud: Then "Who" gets it.
Lou: (annoyed) He better get it!!
Bud: That's it. All right now, take it easy.
Lou: Hrmmph.
Bud: Hrmmph.
Lou: Now I throw the ball to first base, whoever-it-is grabs the ball, so the
guy runs to second.
Bud: Uh-huh.
Lou: "Who" picks up the ball and throws it to "What." "What" throws it to "I
Don't Know." "I Don't Know" throws it back to "Tomorrow" - a triple play.
Bud: Yeah. It could be.
Lou: Another guy gets up and it's a long fly ball to center. Why? I don't
know, he's on third, and I don't give a darn.
Bud: What did you say?
Lou: I said "I don't give a darn."
Bud: Oh, that's our shortstop!
Lou: Abbott!
-= baseball =-= 4 =----------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between baseball and law?
In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.
-= baseball =-= 5 =----------------------------------------------------------
A baseball player is sitting on the bench along with the coach. Suddenly, the
coach starts saying, "Germany, Italy, Spain, Britain." The guy looks at him and
says, "Huh?" to which the coach replies... "Europe!"
-= baseball =-= 6 =----------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross a tree with a baseball player?
Babe Root.
-= baseball =-= 7 =----------------------------------------------------------
This story was related by a baseball announcer, who attributed it to Honus
Wagner.
Way back when Honus played, they didn't have stadium lights and when it got
dark, you couldn't see what you were doing very well. One time, he was playing
in the outfield and the ball was hit his way, but he just lost it in the
darkness. Fortunately, a rabbit was running by at the time and he grabbed it
and threw it to first for the out.
This was the very first time anyone was ever thrown out by a hare.
-= baseball =-= 8 =----------------------------------------------------------
Baseball players do it for a lot of money.
Baseball players do it in teams.
Baseball players do it with their bats.
Baseball players hit more home runs.
Baseball players make it to first base.
-= baseball =-= 9 =----------------------------------------------------------
Great baseball quotes, from the Long Beach (CA) Independent Press-Telegram,
March 22, 1989
It's a weird scene. You win a few baseball games and all of a sudden, you're
surrounded by reporters an TV men with cameras asking you about Vietnam and
race relations. - Vida Blue, 1971
I watch a lot of baseball on the radio. - Gerald Ford, 1978
It's a beautiful day for a night game. - Announcer Frankie Frisch
The most important things in life are good friends and a strong bull pen. -
Pitcher Bob Lemon, 1981 -
Well, that kind of puts a damper on another Yankees win. - Announcer Phil
Rizzuto, after a news bulletin reporting the death of Pope Paul VI, 1978
It was too bad I wasn't a second baseman; then I'd probably have seen a lot more
of my husband. - Karolyn Rose, ex-wife of Pete Rose, 1981
They brought me up with the Brooklyn Dodgers, which at time was in Brooklyn -
Casey Stengel, 1962
I won't play for a penny less than $1500. - Honus Wagner, turning down an offer
of $2000
-= baseball =-= 10 =----------------------------------------------------------
Casey Stengel Quotes
Being with a woman never hurt no professional baseball player. It's staying up
all night looking for a woman that does him in.
If you hit a home run, you can take your time running the bases.
The secret of managing is to keep the guys who hate you away from the guys who
are undecided.
-= baseball =-= 11 =----------------------------------------------------------
Yogi Berra Quotes
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical.
Because it gets late early., on why it's so tough to play left field in Yankee
stadium.
If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's gonna stop them.
It ain't over till it's over.
It's deja vu all over again.
No wonder nobody comes here; it's too crowded.
We have very deep depth!
We made too many wrong mistakes.
You can observe a lot by just watching.
You don't look so hot, either. (on being told by the mayor's wife that he
looked cool, despite the heat.)
-= baseball =-= 12 =----------------------------------------------------------
A small social club was trying to organize a baseball team. They could only
muster eight players, but were hard put to find a ninth. In desperation, they
called on a new member, an Englishman, to join their team.
During their first game, the Englishman came to bat. On the first pitch, he
knocked the ball out of the park.
"Run!" his teammates cried. "For Pete's sake, run!"
The Brit turned and stared at them icily. "I jolly well shan't run," he
replied. "Why should I? I'm perfectly willing to buy you chaps another ball."
-= baseball =-= 13 =----------------------------------------------------------
The rumor is that Pete Rose is thinking of moving to Seattle. Yes, he wants to
get as far away from professional baseball as possible. (The Seattle team has
had seven consecutive losing seasons.)
-= baseball =-= 14 =----------------------------------------------------------
Our [softball] team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the
maximum possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out in
case of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a pretty good
baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there's no way to know for sure
because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male comes barging over from, say,
right field, to deal with it. She's been on the team for three seasons now, but
the males still don't trust her. They know, deep in their souls, that if she
had to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she
probably would elect to save the infant's life, without ever considering whether
there were men on base. - Dave Barry, "Sports Is A Drag"
-= baseball =-= 15 =----------------------------------------------------------
Confucius say that baseball very funny game; man can walk on 4 balls.
-= baseball =-= 16 =----------------------------------------------------------
Reprinted from the Seattle Times
circa 1986-7
by Mitch Albom
Knight-Ridder Newspapers
Let us deal today with a timely sports question. How do you choose a company
softball team?
The answer is, there are lots of way. My favorite way is in a bar, late at
night, with a hat, 50 pieces of paper, and a group of people who like to sing in
Swedish, even though they don't speak Swedish. And plenty of ice. But that is
just my way. And I don't hit very well.
Others take it more seriously. In fact, to certain types, investment
bankers, account executives, anyone from New York, softball leagues have become
roughly the equivalent of, oh, say, holy war.
First of all, because it is May, it is too late to be picking softball teams.
In today's competitive business world, the winning teams made up their rosters
back in November. Several players actually are under contract year-around.
They will never admit this, of course. But if you know a burly salesman who
hasn't met a quota in years, chances are he's somebody's first baseman.
Still there is hope for your group. Their bus could crash. And if that kind
of luck should strike, you better be ready.
Here then, as a public service, and I don't do this for everybody, are 25
tried-and-tested methods for picking a winning softball team. I emphasize the
word winning, which is not the same as wearing a sweatshirt and waking up with a
hangover. Ready?
1) Never pick the boss.
2) Never pick the boss' secretary.
3) Pick Vinny from the shipping department. If there is no Vinny, pick Frank.
No doubt Frank will know a Vinny, probably from some other shipping
department, and Vinny will know another Vinny. Or Eddie. So you end up
with three guys, either Vinny, Vinny, and Vinny, or Frank, Vinny, and Vinny,
or Frank, Vinny, and Eddie. This, by the way, is your starting outfield.
4) Never pick a Seth.
5) If you hold open tryouts, and a player shows up with a large radio on his
shoulder, grab him.
6) Unless the radio is playing Barry Manilow
7) Are we dealing with co-ed teams? We are?
8) In that case, anyone named Brenda gets on automatically. At least on my
team.
9) Take any player with his own ice chest. (If you do not understand this, I
am not going to explain. You should join the company racquetball league
instead, where they drink Perrier.)
10) No vice presidents.
11) Never take a guy wearing a batting glove. Batting gloves do nothing.
Batting gloves are an excuse for people to spend $10.00, so the owner of the
sporting goods store can take his wife to France.
12) Anyone with a tattoo starts.
13) Two tattoos bats cleanup.
14) Important tip: look at the glove. If it is ratty and frayed and has masking
tape all over it, you want the guy. If it is shiny and orange and is signed
by Rusty Staub, you'd better pass.
15) If he owns spikes, he's in.
16) Never take the boss. I know we covered this already. I don't want you to
forget.
17) Another important tip: look at the car. As a general rule, people who drive
Volkswagen beatles make good softball players. I don't know why this is. I
have never seen a decent softball player pull up in a Chrysler New Yorker.
Ever.
18) No more than four players with glasses.
19) Only players named "Pepper" or "Spike" or "Scooter" can be your shortstop.
But only if that's his real name. Have him bring a birth certificate. I
mean, anyone can call himself "Scooter", right? You want the guy whose
parents thought it up.
20) Pick someone with spare bats.
21) Get at least one person from sales. Even if he or she can't play, at least
you'll find out what all those other sneaky salespeople are planning.
22) Choose a catcher who is loud and obnoxious. Someone who will say to a
batter, "Hey. If you had a brain, you'd be outside playing with it."
23) NEVER PICK THE BOSS! Just a reminder.
24) No Dr. Pepper drinkers. I don't trust them.
25) If Rita, the redheaded receptionist, is at all interested, sign her up. The
hell with her average.
So there you have it.
Of course, these rules apply only if your goal is to win the softball trophy
and go the awards dinner.
On the other hand, if your goal is to get ahead in business, I advise only
two things: Pick your boss. And let him play shortstop.
-= baseball =-= 17 =----------------------------------------------------------
From Late Show with David Letterman; Friday, August 12, 1994
Top Ten Baseball Player Demands
[In case anyone has od'ed on O.J. Simpson coverage or for those who might for
some reason not know, the major league baseball player strike began today.]
10. No team flights on Continental Airlines.
9. Goodbye boring baseball hats, hello festive sombreros.
8. Make it legal to cork their pants.
7. Baseballs with delicious chocolate centers.
6. No more reports from that old guy up at Woodstock. [In reference to the live
reports tonight from Calvert]
5. Two words: Streisand tickets.
4. Every team has to have at least one player named "Mookie".
3. Plenty of dugout Slimfast.
2. Put an on-deck circle in Madonna's bed.
1. More games against the Mets.
-= baseball =-= 18 =----------------------------------------------------------
Heard on Jay Leno:
And here in L.A., there's talk of a teachers' strike. You know, if they ever
strike, here's what they should do: The striking teachers and the striking
baseball players should switch jobs. You see, this way, the teachers would get
paid what they deserve, and the players would get paid what they deserve.
-= baseball =-= 19 =----------------------------------------------------------
From Late Show with David Letterman; Monday, February 20, 1995
Top Ten Signs You're Not Watching A Real Baseball Team
10. You recognize batter as the kid who sold you a hot dog a couple minutes
earlier.
9. Everytime a player slides into second, he busts his hip.
8. They keep shouting "Do over!"
7. When umpire yells, "Strike 3!" batter looks at him as if the dude's speaking
French.
6. Try as they might, they just can't scratch themselves like professionals.
5. First base: Siskel. Second base: Ebert.
4. Game stops when some lady in a house near the stadium shouts "Dinner time!"
3. Players constantly adjusting each other's cups.
2. You overheard the coach yelling, "Run, Forrest, run!"
1. They play like the Mets
================================================================================
== BASKETBALL ==================================================================
-= basketball =-= 1 =--------------------------------------------------------
"He's great on the court," a sportswriter said of a college basketball player
in a interview with his coach. "But's how's his scholastic work?"
"Why, he makes straight A's," replied the coach.
"Wonderful!" said the sportswriter.
"Yes," agreed the coach, "but his B's are a little crooked."
-= basketball =-= 2 =--------------------------------------------------------
No, but they gave one to me anyway. - L.A. Lakers rookie Elden Campbell when
asked if he earned a degree at Clemson University
-= basketball =-= 3 =--------------------------------------------------------
How many NCAA basketball players does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one. But he gets money, a car, and three credit hours for it.
-= basketball =-= 4 =--------------------------------------------------------
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
Because it heard the referee was blowing fouls.
-= basketball =-= 5 =--------------------------------------------------------
Robert A. Chase, 45, was charged with threatening an 11-year-old boy with a
knife in Madison, Wis. The boy was watching Chase play basketball with another
adult when the opponent accused Chase of "traveling" (taking steps without
dribbling the ball). To seek an impartial opinion, Chase asked the boy, but the
boy agreed that Chase had travelled. Chase then allegedly grabbed the boy, held
a knife to his throat, and asked, "Now. Did I travel?"
-= basketball =-= 6 =--------------------------------------------------------
Basketball players score more often.
-= basketball =-= 7 =--------------------------------------------------------
Lesley Visser: So, Coach Knight, how did you beat Temple today?
The General: Well, Lesley, we scored more points than they did.
- Indiana basketball coach Bobby Knight in yet another tussle with the media
following his team's win over Temple University. (Knight is a former Marine, I
believe, (which may be why he's nicknamed "The General") can be extremely gruff
(the latest flap involving him is when he "accidentally" head-butted one of his
players; he's also thrown chairs onto the basketball floor). He has never
gotten along with the media. He's convinced they're all morons.)
-= basketball =-= 8 =--------------------------------------------------------
A true Bobby Knight story recalled as best as can be remembered from the
"Morning Briefing" section of the L.A. Times:
In the '80 Olympics, the U.S. basketball team, coached by Bobby Knight, played
and beat the Chinese team handily. When asked about the win, Bobby said, "It was
alot of fun playing the Chinese, but an hour later, we wanted to play them
again."
-= basketball =-= 9 =--------------------------------------------------------
I once read a magazine bio of a down-and-out basketball star who was so
desperately addicted that he took to crime. Let's call him "Joe" for dramatic
effect.
His first mistake was to rob a convenience store in his own neighborhood.
The owner of the store instantly recognized the six-foot-plus basketball star
neighbor despite his pathetic attempt to wear a mask. When the owner said,
"Joe, don't do this, okay?"
To which the player/robber replied, "Naw, it ain't me, man. It ain't me."
-= football =-= 10 =----------------------------------------------------------
NBA Team Lame Names
When a basketball team is having trouble getting into the win column, fans
usually assign a more appropriate name to describe that team's performance.
Here is a collection of some of these lame names for the NBA.
Eastern Conference Central:
Atlanta Hawks -] Atlanta Crocks
Chicago Bulls -] Chicago Fools
Charlotte Hornets -] Charlotte Mournets
Charlotte Hornets -] Charlotte Worn-nets
Cleveland Cavaliers -] Cleveland Laughaliers
Cleveland Cavaliers -] Cleveland Halfaliers
Detroit Pistons -] Detroit Abysstons
Detroit Pistons -] Detroit Misstons
Indiana Pacers -] Indiana Chasers
Milwahkee Bucks -] Milwahkee Bad Lucks
Milwahkee Bucks -] Milwahkee Stucks
Milwahkee Bucks -] Milwahkee Sucks
Eastern Conference Atlantic:
Boston Celtics -] Boston Melt-ics
Miami Heat -] Miami Dead Meat
Miami Heat -] Miami Cold
New Jersey Nets -] New Jersey Nots
New Jersey Nets -] New Jersey Gnats
New York Knicks -] New York Sicks
Orlando Magic -] Orlando Tragic
Philadelphia 76ers -] Philadelphia Nixers
Washington Bullets -] Washington Droolits
Western Conference Pacific:
Golden State Warriors -] Golden State Worriers
Los Angeles Clippers -] Los Angeles Trippers
Los Angeles Lakers -] Los Angeles Brakers
Los Angeles Lakers -] Los Angeles Flakers
Phoenix Suns -] Phoenix Nuns
Phoenix Suns -] Phoenix Well Dones
Sacremento Kings -] Sacremento Things
Portland Trailblazers -] Portland Staleblazers
Portland Trailblazers -] Portland Frailblazers
Portland Trailblazers -] Portland Brailleblazers
Western Conference Midwest:
Dallas Mavericks -] Dallas Mavebricks
Denver Nuggets -] Denver Shruggets
Denver Nuggets -] Denver Stung-gets
Houston Rockets -] Houston Blockheads
Houston Rockets -] Houston Blocked-ets
Minnesota Timberwolves -] Minnesota Slumberwolves
San Antonio Spurs -] San Antonio Slurs
San Antonio Spurs -] San Antonio Purrs
Utah Jazz -] Utah Jazzmines
Expansion Team:
Toronto Raptors -] Toronto Craptors
================================================================================
== BOXING ======================================================================
-= boxing =-= 1 =------------------------------------------------------------
In North Bay, Ontario, Jim Lawrence and Bradley Sayeau fell through a third-
floor window during a kick boxing match at a martial arts club and landed on a
pedestrian, who was the least seriously injured of the three.
-= boxing =-= 2 =------------------------------------------------------------
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and
the dancers hit each other.
-= boxing =-= 3 =------------------------------------------------------------
Southampton, England (AP) - Boxer Tony Wilson won his fight in three rounds
Thursday night after his mother climbed into the ring and hit his opponent over
the head with her stiletto shoe.
Opponent Steve McCarthy left the ring with blood seeping from a head wound as
security officers ushered Minna Wilson away. When McCarthy refused to return,
referee Adrian Morgan raised Wilson's arms in victory, declaring that McCarthy
had retired.
Uproar broke out among the 1,000 specators at the Guildhall in this south
English port, where the British light heavyweight title eliminator fight between
local boy McCarthy and Wilson was being staged. The furious crowd kicked and
punched Wilson before he escaped to a dressing room, sheltered by his trainer
and manager.
"The first thing I saw was my mum in the ring, and then eveything went wild,"
said Wilson, from Wolverhampton, central England. "She has been watching my
fights for years and nothing like this has happened before."
Police reinforcements were sent. But no one was arrested, and no one was
reported injured.
================================================================================
== FISHING =====================================================================
-= fishing =-= 1 =-----------------------------------------------------------
One man's hobby was fishing, he spent all his weekends near the river or
lake, paying no attention to weather.
One Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the river, as usual. It was
cold and raining, and he decided to return back to his house. He came in, went
to his bedroom, undressed and laid near his wife.
"What a terrible weather today, honey." he said to her.
"Yes. And my idiot went fishing!"
-= fishing =-= 2 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Fishing rule #1: The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest
fish.
Fishing rule #2: The worse your line is tangled, the better is the fishing
around you.
Fishing rule #3: Fishing will do a lot for a man but it won't make him
truthful.
-= fishing =-= 3 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day
without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket
and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out
and throw them at me, will you?"
"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"
"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."
"But why?"
"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I
should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."
-= fishing =-= 4 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Fishermen are proud of their rods.
Fishermen do it for reel.
-= fishing =-= 5 =-----------------------------------------------------------
"Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every
weekend?" asked Jane's best friend.
"Why shouldn't I?" Jane inquired.
"Well, maybe he is having an affair?"
"No way, he returns every time without any fish..."
-= fishing =-= 6 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Henry's son, David, burst into the house, crying. His mother asked him what
the problem was.
"Daddy and I were fishing, and he hooked a giant fish. Really big. Then,
while he was reeling it in, the line busted and the fish got away."
"Now come on, David," his mother said, "a big boy like you shouldn't be
crying about an accident like that. You should have just laughed it off."
"But that's just what I did, mommy."
-= fishing =-= 7 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the girl who went fishing with her six male friends?
She came home with a red snapper.
-= fishing =-= 8 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Steven Wright on fishing:
Last year, I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He
caught every other fish.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an
idiot.
-= fishing =-= 9 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Once heard from a rather liberal female acquaintance:
Penises are like fish: the little ones, you throw back; the big ones, you mount!
-= fishing =-= 10 =-----------------------------------------------------------
The following appeared recently in the Globe & Mail.
Forget about Dog Bites Man. Relegate Man Bites Dog to the back pages. Today,
we are dealing with Fish swallows dog, an item which reaches us by way of
Moscow.
The dog was swimming across the Pechora River to join its master when it
vanished, leaving only a ripple. The dog's master, who was fishing at the time,
hauled in his net and found it contained a giant pike. He looked closely at its
mouth and said to himself (probably) "Thereby hangs a tail."
Yes, it was Fido (or the Russian equivalent). The dog struggled out after
the fish was cut open, and, according to Radio Moscow, hurled itself at the
pike, "barking excitedly."
It is often difficult for fishermen to tell stories about the one that got
away. In this case, Radio Moscow notwithstanding, will it be any easier to
tell about the one that didn't?
-= fishing =-= 11 =-----------------------------------------------------------
"Three Men And A Baby"
What you get when four men go fishing and one comes back not catching anything.
-= fishing =-= 12 =-----------------------------------------------------------
In January 1994, at the Lake Como Fish and Game Club near Syracuse, N.Y., Brian
Carr beat out three dozen competitors in the annual ice-fishing derby, with 155
catches. The temperature that day was minus 30, and the prize money for the
top three anglers was $8, $6.50, and $5.
-= fishing =-= 13 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon two locals
pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what I like to see,"
said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man."
As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, he sure
doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
-= fishing =-= 14 =-----------------------------------------------------------
To catch the fish, it's not how you throw the bait, but how you wiggle your
worm.
-= fishing =-= 15 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Two morons go fishing. They catch a lot of fish and return to the shore.
1st moron: I hope you remember the spot where we caught all those fish.
2nd moron: Yes, I made an 'X' on the side of the boat to mark the spot.
1st moron: You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?
-= fishing =-= 16 =-----------------------------------------------------------
My wife says if I go fishing one more time she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm
going to miss her.
-= fishing =-= 17 =-----------------------------------------------------------
I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is that it's the
only time he hears someone tell him, "Wow, that's a big one!"
-= fishing =-= 18 =-----------------------------------------------------------
This was published in The South Texas Fisherman, sometime 1972.
Talking To Fish
by Bill Kennedy
A character in one of Shakespeare's plays, boasting of his accomplishments
said, "I can call up monsters from the vast deep." Any fisherman could have
given the answer, "So can I and so can any man, but will they come?" Men and
women have been calling to fish, pleading with them, and swearing at them
without response since the beginning of time. A federally supported research
project may change that situation.
Working with the whale family (porpoise or dolphin), scientists in Florida
have set out to translate fish language. They are not far along yet but have
made some headway. Various clicks and whistles have been recorded that indicate,
at least in the whale family, one fish has a way to communicating what is on his
mind to another fish. If the research continues as planned, it should be only a
matter of time until man will be able to reproduce fish noises and communicate
what is on his mind to bass, perch, and catfish.
All right-minded fishermen agree that fish-talk research projects should be
cancelled and the scientists in it forced to seek other employment. The
reasoning behind this point of view is simple and sound. If the research
continues to its logical conclusion, fishing will cease to be the pleasant and
relaxing sport that it now is. Fishing will become a business of bellowing
speeches in fish language designed to convince fish that they would be better
off on the bank or in the boat than they are in the water. In such
circumstances, any fool knows who the men that will catch all the fish will be.
They will be politicians!
-= fishing =-= 19 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A crappie is not a sunfish found in a toilet.
-= fishing =-= 20 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A couple of young guys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten
track when out of the bushes jumped the game warden! Immediately, one of the
boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of
hell and hot on his heels came the game warden. After about a half mile, the
guy stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath
and the game warden finally caught up to him.
"Let's see yer fishin license, boy!" the warden gasped.
With that, the guy pulled out his wallet and gave the game warden a valid
fishing license.
"Well, son," said the Game Warden. "You must be about as dumb as a box of
rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"
"Yes sir," replied the young feller. "But my friend back there, well, he
don't have one..."
-= fishing =-= 21 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Billy Bob and Jethro decide to go ice fishing. After arriving at the lake
early in the morning, they cut two holes in the lake and drop in their lines in
the water. After fishing for a few hours, Billy Bob has caught dozens of fish
while Jethro hasn't even gotten a bite.
Jethro asks, "Billy Bob, what's your secret?"
Billy Bob answers, "Mmu motta meep da mmrms mmrm."
Jethro asks, "What did you say?"
Billy Bob answers, "Mmu motta meep da mmrms mmrm."
Jethro again asks, "What?"
Billy Bob spits into his hand and says, "You gotta keep the worms warm!"
-= fishing =-= 22 =-----------------------------------------------------------
"I didn't see you in church last Sunday, Nigel. I hear you were out playing
football instead."
"That's not true, vicar. And I've got the fish to prove it!"
================================================================================
== FOOTBALL ====================================================================
-= football =-= 1 =----------------------------------------------------------
Football is played by men with odd shaped balls.
-= football =-= 2 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why does John Elway eat his cereal from a plate?
Because he's lost all three of his bowls.
-= football =-= 3 =----------------------------------------------------------
I don't know if this report was intended as a joke, but it was reported on Q102
radio station Monday in a serious manner. The report stated that on the return
flight to Denver from New Orleans that John Elway's luggage was lost.
-= football =-= 4 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why can't John Elway use the phone anymore?
Because he can't find the receiver.
-= football =-= 5 =----------------------------------------------------------
The real score of the game was not 55-10, but 55-31. The Broncos hung around
after the game and managed to put a few more points on the board.
-= football =-= 6 =----------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between Cheerios and the Broncos.
Cheerios belongs in a bowl.
-= football =-= 7 =----------------------------------------------------------
John Elway couldn't get into his house Sunday night. It seems someone had
painted a goal line in front of his door!
-= football =-= 8 =----------------------------------------------------------
I read in the paper this morning that two of the Denver Broncos playbooks were
stolen. John Elway is very upset. He hadn't finished coloring them.
-= football =-= 9 =----------------------------------------------------------
Definition of an optimist: A Denver Bronco fan waiting at DIA (Denver
International Airport) for the Broncos to return from winning the Super Bowl.
-= football =-= 10 =----------------------------------------------------------
Houston Oilers Football Schedule For 1993
September 5 Arnold Junior High
12 Cub Scout Troop 101
19 Houston Blind Academy
26 Spanish-American War Vets
October 3 Crippled Children's Home
10 St. Cloud Home for Wayward Girls
17 Girl Scout Troop 465
24 Kilgore Rangerettes
31 Houston Symphony
November 7 Korean War Amputees
14 VA Hospital Amputees
21 Greater Houston Ret. Nurses
28 Montrose Gay Singles
Special Monday Night Games
December 6 Utopia Gay Girls
December 13 Harris County Felons
December 20 Houston Area Polio Survivors
Rule Changes From Last Year
1. When playing the polio patients, the Oilers must not disconnect leg braces.
2. When playing the Girl Scouts, the Oilers must not eat their cookies.
3. When playing the Blind Academy, the Oilers cannot hide the football under
their jerseys.
4. When playing the amputees, the Oilers cannot file any protests about players
with one leg being hard to tackle.
5. When playing any teams who are registered with Queer Nation, these teams will
not have holding calls assessed against them.
6. When playing the Harris County Felons, all of the Felons must wear leg and
wrist irons including the Quarterback and Kickers.
Rules Carried Forward From Last Year
1. A touchdown (this is when the ball is carried over the goal line, for all you
Oilers fans who have never seen one) is still worth 21 points.
2. The Oilers will be allowed 27 men on the field at all times.
3. The Oilers will be allowed to substitute with Band members or cheerleaders.
4. The Oilers will be allowed 20 time outs as opposed to 3 for the other teams
5. The Oilers will be awarded a first down with each gain of 3 yards or more.
Name Changes
The Houston Oilers name will be changed to the Houston Tampons as they are only
good for one period and don't have a second string.
Coaching Changes
Jack Pardee will be replaced by Linda Lovelace. She will no doubt blow a few,
but she won't choke on the Big Ones!
-= football =-= 11 =----------------------------------------------------------
Cerebral hemorrhages are rarer among amateur and professional football players.
So are brains.
-= football =-= 12 =----------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross a defensive lineman with a prostitute?
A quarter-ton pickup.
-= football =-= 13 =----------------------------------------------------------
What did the football player always get on his final exams in college?
Drool.
-= football =-= 14 =----------------------------------------------------------
The University of Oklahoma
Department of Recruiting
Norman, Oklahoma
% Founded 1900
% Football since 1940
% Basketball since 1952
% Academics beginning 2014
The University of Oklahoma is pleased to announce the following commitments of
high school football players for the 1989 recruiting season:
Wayfroy P. Jackson: 6'6", 190, Wide Receiver
Hottest prospect from Alabama in the last 10 years. Loves music. Will demand a
mini-cassette player in his helmet. Holds the record for the number of "You
knows" during an interview (62 in one minute). Wayfroy can print his complete
name.
Cletis Quentious Jenkins: 6'2", 190, Running Back
Set state scoring record out of Melrose High, Charlotte, NC. Also led the state
in burglaries, but has only six convictions. Has been clocked in the 40 at 4.2
seconds with a 25" TV under his arm.
Roosevelt "Dude" Danzell: 6'1", 185, Running Back
Home town, West Memphis, Ark. Has processed hair and imitates Billy Dee
Williams fairly well. Before he signs a letter of intent, he wants OU to change
uniform colors to chartreuse and pink. Lists church preference as "Red Brick."
Woodrow Lee Washington: 6'8", 275, Tackle
Third generation welfare family. At 19, he is the oldest of 14 children.
Mother indicates Woodrow and child #9, Leotis, may have the same father. Has
manslaughter trial pending but feels confident of being found innocent. Says,
"The bum say somethin' bad 'bout my momma." On OU entrance form, lists IQ as
20-20.
Willie "Night Train" Smith: 6'4", 175, Quarterback
Born on an Amtrak train near Chicago. Birth certificate indicates he's now
26-years old. Thinks the "N" on Nebraska's helmet stands for "Nowledge," but
still meets OU academic requirements. Insists on wearing jersey #12. It matches
his score on SAT.
Tyrone "Python" Peeples: 6'10", 180, Wide Receiver
Home town Cuero, Texas. Has pending paternity suit, but hopes none of the other
five will file charges. Tyrone has already signed six letters of intent, but
also willing to sign with OU. Likes white women and Cadillacs. Thinks Taco Bell
is the Mexican phone company.
Abdul Aba Ali: 6'8", 245, Guard
Played high school ball at Houston Yates under name of Leroy Jones. Thinks
Sherlock Holmes is a housing project in Jackson, Miss. Does not know the meaning
of the word "fear". Does not know the meaning of a lot of other words, either.
-= football =-= 15 =----------------------------------------------------------
What do collegiate football players usually get on their final exams?
Drool.
-= football =-= 16 =----------------------------------------------------------
What do Billy Graham and the O.U. Sooner football team have in common?
They can both make a stadium of 60,000 people say "Oh, Jesus."
-= football =-= 17 =----------------------------------------------------------
The football player was trying to pick up a coed at a fraternity party when
she told him that she was much more turned on by academic types than dumb jocks.
"So," she said, "what's your G.P.A.?"
The jock smiled and said, "I get about twenty-five in the city and forty on
the highway!"
-= football =-= 18 =----------------------------------------------------------
My brother went to the University of Chicago which has a terrible football team.
They were in a league against intellectually third-rate colleges, and the U of C
cheer was:
That's all right,
That's okay,
You're going to work for us someday!
-= football =-= 19 =----------------------------------------------------------
Baseball is to football as Beethoven is to rap. - Patrick Mott
-= football =-= 20 =----------------------------------------------------------
Three men die, and they are in heaven before St. Peter. St. Peter questioned
each man:
St. Peter (to the first man): What is your IQ?
First man: 210.
St. Peter: Wow! That's really high, maybe we should discuss the Theory of
Relativity sometime.
St. Peter (to the second man): What is your IQ?
Second man: 170.
St. Peter: Well, that is also good, maybe we could discuss the fundamentals
of Quantum Mechanics sometime.
St. Peter (to the third man): What is your IQ?
Third man: 70.
St. Peter: Well... How about those San Francisco Forty-Niners?
-= football =-= 21 =----------------------------------------------------------
Found in Bill Kirby's "Piney Woods Wit" column, Gwinnett Daily News, Duluth, Ga
20 June 1991
A football coach was asked his secret of evaluating raw recruits. "Well," he
said, "I take 'em out in the woods and make 'em run. The ones that go around
the trees, I make into running backs. The ones that run into the trees, I turn
into linemen."
-= football =-= 22 =----------------------------------------------------------
There is a story about an MIT student who spent an entire summer going to the
Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt,
walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all
over the field, blowing a whistle, and walking off the field. At the end of the
summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football team, the referee
walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for
a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field. The guy wrote his
thesis on this, and graduated.
-= football =-= 23 =----------------------------------------------------------
Do you know why the new football stadium they built in Warsaw could not be used?
No matter where you sat, you were behind a Pole.
-= football =-= 24 =----------------------------------------------------------
In 1989, a Union Bridge, Md., high school permitted a female student, Tawana
Hammond, 17, to try out for its football team under the pressure of a federal
statute that bars school discrimination on the basis of gender. On her first
scrimmage, Tawana, a running back, was tackled and suffered massive internal
injuries. In October 1992, she filed a $1.5 million lawsuit against the county
board of education for its alleged failure to tell her how dangerous football
is.
-= football =-= 25 =----------------------------------------------------------
Each day before I get out of bed, I try to dress myself in the full Armor of
God. I say, 'Okay, I want to be fully prepared for spiritual battle. I'm
putting on the Helmet of Salvation. I'm putting on the Breastplate of
Righteousness, and I'm confessing all of my sins, anything that might stand
between me and God. I'm putting on the Shield of Faith to ward off the fiery
darts of the Devil. I'm girding my loins with the Belt of Truth, and I'm
shoeing my feet in the Gospel of Peace.' Finally, I take as my offensive
weapon, my sword, the Bible, and I go forward, fully dressed in the Armor of
God. (yeah, but he forgot his umbrella) - Joe Gibbs, football analyst for NBC
Sports (former Washington Redskins coach). In Life magazine, "Why We Pray", p.
57, March 1994.
-= football =-= 26 =----------------------------------------------------------
A man is walking down the street in Dublin when he hears a woman screaming
and detects a faint smell of burning in the air. He runs down the street and
around a corner and sees a huge group of people standing watching a blazing
building. On the tenth floor of the building a woman, clutching a bundle to
here chest, is leaning out of a window screaming for someone to save her baby.
The man steps forward and calls up to the woman, "Throw down your baby and
I'll catch it!"
"No! No!" the woman shouts back. "You might miss or drop my baby and the
she'll be killed!"
"No I won't!" shouts the man. "I am Alec Maguire. I'm the goal keeper for
Ireland's national football [soccer] team. I've never missed a match in ten
years and in all that time, I have never let the ball into my net."
"What? Not once?" calls the woman.
"No!" shouts back the man. "Not once. Every football player in the world
agrees that I am the best goal keeper there has ever been."
And with that he adopts the classic goal keepers stance, legs apart and
sightly bent at the knees, body slightly bent forward at the waist and with his
arms stretched downwards at a slight angle away from his body, with palms facing
forward.
"Okay!" screams the woman. "I'll trust you. I've no choice! Her she comes!"
So, with the flames roaring all around her, the woman throws the baby from
the window. However, the edge of the baby's shawl catches on the woman's watch
with the result that the child goes spinning off to one side, tumbling head over
heels and with her little arms and legs flailing. The woman screams and the
crowd gasps, all sure that the baby will perish because she will fall out of
reach of the man.
The man remains motionless as the child descends, spinning and tumbling
further and further away from him as she comes. Then when the baby is only feet
from hitting the ground the man dives a full 30 feet across the pavement,
catches the baby in his outstretched right hand, pulls her in towards his chest
and shields her body with his left hand and arm. He hits the ground heavily on
his right side and lies motionless on the pavement for a few seconds. Then,
slowly, he raises himself to his feet and turns to face the crowd and everyone
sees that the child is alive. The crowd is awe-struck
Then the crowd erupts with cheers and the woman, still in danger herself,
nearly faints with relief. The man, still clutching the child to his chest in
his right arm, waves to the crowd of onlookers to acknowledge their
appreciation. Then, slowly and gracefully, he turns away from them, bounces the
baby twice on the ground then punts her 60 yards down the road.
-= football =-= 27 =----------------------------------------------------------
Heard in an interview with George Will on WSB Radio, Atlanta:
Caller: What do you think about football?
Will: Football is a mistake. It combines the two worst elements of American
life. Violence and committee meetings.
-= football =-= 28 =----------------------------------------------------------
Football combines the two worst features of American life. It is violence
punctuated by committee meetings. - "Men At Work: The Craft of Baseball" by
George F. Will, quoted in the April 1 "New York Times Book Review"
-= football =-= 29 =----------------------------------------------------------
A football coach looked over to his star player and said, "I know I'm not
supposed to let you play since you failed math but we need you in there. How
about I ask you a math question to prove you know your math so you can play?"
The player agreed and the coach asked the following question, "Okay, what is
2+2?"
The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "4."
Suddenly, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach,
give him another chance!"
-= football =-= 30 =----------------------------------------------------------
A woman called in a repairman to fix her television. Just as he finished,
the woman heard her husband's key in the lock. "Hurry," she said to the
repairman, "you'll have to hide. My husband is insanely jealous."
There was no time to run out the back door, so the repairman hid inside the
TV console. The husband came in and plopped down in his favorite chair to watch
some football. Inside the TV, the repairman was all squished up and getting
hotter and hotter. Finally, he couldn't stand it anymore. He climbed out,
marched across the room and out the front door.
The husband looked at the TV set, looked at his wife, looked back at the set
again and said, "I didn't see the referee send that guy off the field, did
you?"
-= football =-= 31 =----------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
-= football =-= 32 =----------------------------------------------------------
What has eight arms and an I.Q. of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
-= football =-= 33 =----------------------------------------------------------
The best/worst football score, was of course
Georgia Tech: 222
Cumberland Gap: 0
GT played everybody they had, anyone in uniform, and maybe the waterboys and
cheerleaders (I forget). CG immediately and permanently disbanded its football
team. Personally, I have always suspected that the Falcons were comprised
primarily of old CG men.
[A whole book has been written on this game, and it is quite amusing. I don't
remember the title, but I remember seeing the book. -spaf]
-= football =-= 34 =----------------------------------------------------------
With the end of the football season, a star player for the college team
celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late-night campus party.
Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and eased into a
conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at parties.
"Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the strong
academic types than to dumb party animals," she said. "What's your G. P. A.?"
Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about twenty-five in the
city and forty on the highway."
-= football =-= 35 =----------------------------------------------------------
Obviously, Football is a syndrome of religious rites symbolizing the struggle
to preserve the Egg of Life through the rigors of impending winter. The rites
begin at the Autumn Equinox and culminate on the first day of the New Year, with
great festivals identified with bowls of plenty. The festivals are associated
with flowers such as roses; fruits such as oranges; farm crops such as cotton;
and even sun-worship and appeasement of great reptiles such as alligators.
In these rites, the Egg of Life is symbolized by what is called "The Oval",
an inflated bladder covered with hog skin. The convention of "The Oval" is
repeated in the architectural oval-shaped design of the vast outdoor churches in
which the services are held every sabbath in every town and city. Also every
Sunday in the greater centers of population where an advanced priesthood
performs. These enormous churches dominate every college campus; no other
edifice compares in size with them, and they bear witness to the high spiritual
development of the culture that produced them.
Literally millions of worshipers attend the sabbath services in these
open-air churches. Subconsciously, these hordes are seeking an outlet from
sexual frustration in anticipation of violent masochism and sadism about to be
enacted by a highly trained priesthood of young men. Football obviously arises
out of the Oedipus complex. Love of mother dominates the entire ritual. (Notre
Dame and Football are synonymous).
The rites are preformed on a green rectangular area orientated to the four
directions. The green area, symbolizing Summer, is striped with ominous white
lines representing the knifing snows of Winter. The white stripes are repeated
in the ceremonial costumes of the four whistling monitors who control the
services through a time period divided into four quarters, symbolizing the four
Seasons.
The ceremony begins with colorful processions of musicians and semi-nude
virgins who move in and out of ritualized patterns. This excites the thousands
of worshipers to rise from their seats, shout frenzied poetry in unison and
chant ecstatic anthems through which runs the Oedipus theme of willingness to
die for the love of mother.
The actual rites, performed by 22 young priests of perfect physique, might
appear to the uninitiated as a chaotic conflict concerned only with hurting the
Oval by kicking it, then endeavoring to rescue and protect the Egg.
However, the procedure is highly stylized. On each side, there are eleven
young men wearing colorful and protective costumes. The group in so-called
"possession" of the Oval first arrange themselves in an egg-shaped "huddle," as
it is called, for a moment of prayerful meditation and whispering of secret
numbers to each other.
Then they rearrange themselves with relation to the position of the Egg. In
a typical "formation", there are seven priests "on the line," seven being a
mystical number associated not, as Jung purists might contend, with the "seven
last words" but actually, with sublimation of the "seven deadly sins" into "the
seven cardinal principles of education."
The central priest crouches over the Egg, protecting it with his hands, while
over his back quarters hovers the "Quarterback." The transposition of "back
quarters" to "quarterback" is easily explained by the Adler School. To the
layman the curious posture assumed by the "Quarterback," as he hovers over the
central priest, immediately suggests the Cretan origins of Mycenaean animal art,
but this popular view is untenable. Actually, of course, the "quarter-back"
symbolizes the libido, combining two instincts, namely, a) Eros, which strives
for even closer union, and b) the instinct for destruction of anything which
lies in the path of Eros. Moreover, the "pleasure-pain" excitement of the
hysterical worshipers focuses entirely on the actions of the libido-quarter-
back. Behind him are three priests representing the male triad.
At a given signal, the Egg is passed by sleight-of-hand to one of the members
of the triad who endeavors to move it by bodily force across the white lines of
Winter. This procedure up and down the enclosure, continues through the four
quarters of the ritual.
At the end of the second quarter, implying the Summer Slostice, the
processions of musicians and semi-nude virgins are resumed. After forming
themselves into pictograms representing alphabetical and animal fetishes, the
virgins perform a most curious rite requiring far more dexterity than the
earlier phallic Maypole rituals from which it seems to be derived. Each of the
virgins carries a wand of shining metal which she spins on her fingertips,
tosses playfully into the air, and with which she interweaves her body in most
intricate gyrations.
The virgins perform another important function throughout the entire service.
This concerns the mystical rite of "conversion" following success of one of the
young priests in carrying the Oval across the last white line of Winter. As the
moment of "conversion" approaches, the virgins kneel at the edge of the
rectangle, bury their faces in the earth, then raise their arms to heaven in
supplication, praying that "the uprights will be split." "Conversion" is indeed
a dedicated ceremony.
-= football =-= 36 =----------------------------------------------------------
Legend has it that football great Bronco Nagurski opened a gas station upon
retirement from the NFL. A visitor to town asked whether or not he was
successful.
"Once someone gets gas from Bronco, they never go anyplace else", a local
told him.
"Is the service that good?" asked the visitor.
"No, not really." said the local.
"Does he have the best price?"
"About the same as everybody else."
"Then the gas must be better."
"No, it's just regular gas."
"Then why does everyone keep coming back to Bronco?"
"Because when Bronco Nagurski puts your gas cap on, no one but Bronco
Nagurski can get it back off."
-= football =-= 37 =----------------------------------------------------------
In New York City, Mayor David Dinkins's City Hall ceremony to honor the Super
Bowl champion Giants had to be canceled after it was discovered that no one had
invited the team. - The American Spectator, April 1991
-= football =-= 38 =----------------------------------------------------------
Because it is not natural for a human being to hurl his body directly at another
human being. - Chuck Noll, ex-Pittsburgh Steelers football coach, when asked
why it is difficult to play pro football
-= football =-= 39 =----------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between the Buffalo Bills and a dollar bill?
You can still get four quarters out of a dollar.
-= football =-= 40 =----------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between the Buffalo Bills and Cheerios?
Cheerios belongs in a bowl.
-= football =-= 41 =----------------------------------------------------------
How many Bills players does it take to receive a kickoff?
Two. One to catch the ball and one to tell him to go down.
-= football =-= 42 =----------------------------------------------------------
How many Bills does it take to fumble the ball?
Any of 'em.
-= football =-= 43 =----------------------------------------------------------
Announcement from P.A. system at Texas Stadium:
Will the parents who lost your eleven kids here at the stadium please come get
them? They are leading the Cowboys 14-0.
-= football =-= 44 =----------------------------------------------------------
Heard on WZZO (Lehigh Valley, PA):
Did you hear that someone purchased the Buffalo Bills and is going to move them
to Alaska?
They are going to rename them the Arctic Chokes.
-= football =-= 45 =----------------------------------------------------------
From the L.A. Times:
The L.A. Rams have a new line of cologne. It's a little different though; you
wear it and the other guy scores.
-= football =-= 46 =----------------------------------------------------------
Today was mostly decision day. We made an agreement to agree over what we had
agreed upon before. (???) - Tom Flores, former Seahawks general manager
-= football =-= 47 =----------------------------------------------------------
You know you play in the Western Athletic Conference if ...
__ your school's cheers do not include "Defense, Defense!"
__ your team does not have a defensive coordinator
__ your team has two offensive coordinators
__ your score board has 3 digits for Home and Away scores
__ your run to pass play ratio approaches zero
__ you consider 2nd down and 1 a great time to throw the 'bomb'
__ you consider 3rd down and 40 a short yardage situation
__ a 'defensive back' is on your state's endangered species list
__ 'Offensive Statistician' is a Math degree at your school
__ at halftime, the footballs have to be de-iced and re-pressurized
__ your kickoff cover team also runs marathons
__ the phrase "you go long" appears on every page of your play book
__ your quarterback's performance is rated in miles instead of yards
__ your running backs wear out more than one pair of shoes per game
__ the whole football team doubles as the track team in the spring
__ you think playing linebackers as safeties is a good idea
__ you think the words "pass rush" means that the quarterback threw too soon
__ you don't know what a tackling dummy is
__ you play offensive guard because you just couldn't catch passes like the
tackles
__ you consider "the bomb" to be as efficient as running off tackle in any
situation
__ the usual "2 Minute Drill" is renamed the "15 Minute Drill"
__ your team has defensive formations named "Red Snoopy", "Sieve", and "Far From
Stopping"
__ your Strong Safety is Al Bundy's brother except he let the other team
score 4 touchdowns in every game
__ your alma mater has school offensive categories such as:
o "Number of Passes Thrown On the Run"
o "Number of Bombs Attempted"
o "Number of Low Flying Airplanes Hit By Ball"
__ your team's Quarterback is also the track team's Javelin Thrower
__ you have at least one guy from Samoa on your team
__ you think the 'Wishbone' is part of a Turkey
__ you think a 'Triple Option Quarterback' is one who opts to:
1. throw the bomb, or
2. throw the bomb, or
3. throw it away
__ you think 'sieve' is a standard reference to defensive backs
__ the mascot you run around the field after each score is on oxygen, before
halftime
__ you think holding a team to 5 touchdowns gives you bragging rights
__ more balls fly into the stands than at a baseball game
__ speed trials are measured in the 80 yard dash, not the 40
__ it's standard practice to re-turf the field after a home game
__ your recruiters are ex-marathon runners
__ your band uses substitutions
__ your band doubles as a scrimmage team
__ any band member is know a starter
__ at any point during the game you need a computer to figure out the
combinations of field goals and touchdowns you're down by
__ you're up by 42 points in the 3rd quarter and the words "We've blown bigger
leads than this." keep echoing through your mind
__ it regularly takes your receivers 25 seconds to jog back to the huddle after
each play
__ you think an off-tackle run is the same as breaking a tackle
__ when some-one says "...carry the ball in the breadbasket..." you give them a
blank stare
__ you found all the divide-by zero bugs in your new statistics software,
related to rushing, before the 3rd game of the season
__ you're more than 4 standard deviations from the national rushing average
__ you're more than 10 standard deviations above the national average for passes
or passing yards attempted
__ any blimp pilot has ever caught a ball during play
__ you have a quarterback rotation schedule, to give their arms a rest
__ air traffic controllers can watch the game on their radar screens
__ you hire Paul Westhead as head coach in an effort to generate more offense
__ you kick on onside kick after every score for fear of putting your defense on
the field
__ you run a play action pass and score because your opponents have doubled over
in laughter
__ the only drug the team doctor carries is "amphetamines"
__ your opponents commit a holding penalty on a scoring play and your team
declines the penalty
__ your team's water boys/girls wheel an oxygen bottle out onto the field during
a time out
__ the under-over betting line is more than 100 points
__ the "Hail Mary" is on page 1 of your playbook
__ the word 'Defense' is confused with the trailer-park phrase "Da Fence"
__ your quarterback audibles to a running play and has to call a time-out
because the whole offensive line is confused
__ your team considers a 'running play' as a live show that is currently at the
Orpheum Theater
__ the first line of your recruiting brochure is "Have you ever thought of being
a wide receiver?"
__ the words "This is not missprint" appear with your box scores
__ your total points for the year eclipse the national average by more than one
order of magnitude
__ keeping the scoreboard lit during games causes brownouts
__ your team is sponsored by American Airlines and Sprint
__ your new defensive coordinator just came off a successful season in Pee-Wee
league
__ you win your conference and your bowl opponent is the 5th place team from
another conference
-= football =-= 48 =----------------------------------------------------------
NFL Team Lame Names
When a football team is having trouble getting into the win column, fans usually
assign a more appropriate name to describe that team's performance. Here is a
collection of some of these lame names for the NFL.
AFC West:
Denver Broncos -] Denver Donkeys
Kansas City Chiefs -] Kansas City Griefs
Los Angeles Raiders -] Los Angeles Faders
San Diego Chargers -] San Diego Rechargers
Seattle Seahawks -] Seattle Weehawks
AFC Central:
Cincinnati Bengals -] Cincinnati Plaingels
Cleveland Browns -] Cleveland Clowns
Houston Oilers -] Houston Spoilers
Pittsburgh Steelers -] Pittsburgh Reelers
AFC East:
Buffalo Bills -] Buffalo Nils
Buffalo Bills -] Buffalo Spills
Indianapolis Colts -] Indianapolis Dolts
Miami Dolphins -] Miami Stallfins
Miami Dolphins -] Miami Soft Ones
New England Patriots -] New England Patsys
New York Jets -] New York Pets
New York Jets -] New York Not Yets
NFC West:
Atlanta Falcons -] Atlanta Fellcons
New Orleans Saints -] New Orleans Aint's
Los Angeles Rams -] Los Angeles Lambs
San Francisco 49ers -] San Francisco Whiners
NFC Central:
Chicago Bears -] Chicago Fairs
Detroit Lions -] Detroit Cryin's
Detroit Lions -] Detroit Kittens
Green Bay Packers -] Green Bay Fudgepackers
Green Bay Packers -] Green Bay Slackers
Green Bay Packers -] Green Bay Whackers
Minnesota Vikings -] Minnesota Tykes
Minnesota Vikings -] Minnesota ViQueens
Tampa Bay Buccaneers -] Tampa Bay Yuccaneers
NFC East:
Arizona Cardinals -] Arizona Tardynals
Dallas Cowboys -] Dallas Cowgirls
Dallas Cowboys -] Dallas Cowpie
New York Giants -] New York Midgets
Philadelphia Eagles -] Philadelphia Beagles
Washington Redskins -] Washington Deadskins
Washington Redskins -] Washington Foreskins
Expansion Teams:
Carolina Panthers -] Carolina Can't-thers
Jacksonville Jaguars -] Jacksonville Saguars
-= football =-= 49 =----------------------------------------------------------
After spending all day watching football, Harry fell asleep in front of the
TV and spent the whole night in the chair. In the morning, his wife woke him
up.
"Get up dear," she said, "it's 20 to seven."
He awoke with a start and said, "In who's favor?"
-= football =-= 50 =----------------------------------------------------------
In Melbourne in May 1994, Australian Rules football player Russell Prowse was
ejected from a game and severely reprimanded by the league. He had attempted to
diffuse a potential brawl by grabbing opponent Scott Cameron and kissing him
flush on the lips. Prowse's gambit worked: Cameron reportedly staggered back, a
hush came over the players and order was restored.
-= football =-= 51 =----------------------------------------------------------
From David Letterman - Tuesday, January 17, 1995
Top Ten Dallas Cowboy Excuses (for losing 1995 NFC Championship)
10. Afraid to play in Super Bowl against anyone but the Bills.
9. Distracted by delicious smell of barbecue coming from John Madden's announce
booth.
8. Trying to make one of Marv Albert's blooper reels.
7. Our friends on New York Jets convinced us: "Winning's no big deal."
6. Worried sick about Letterman botching the Academy Awards.
5. Those big guys on other team kept trying to knock us down.
4. Who needs all the pressure of a Super Bowl? Not us, Lonnie!
3. Felt weird after eating bloody clams. [During a "Supermarket Finds"
segment, Dave displayed a can of bloody clams]
2. What a time to notice, them cheerleader outfits is skimpy!
1. Tired of going to Disneyland.
-= football =-= 52 =----------------------------------------------------------
From David Letterman - Monday, January 30, 1995
Top Ten San Diego Chargers Excuses
10. Thought we were going to be playing against them Budweiser bottles.
9. We were frightened and disoriented by halftime show.
8. Some kid in section E, row 11 kept yelling, "Chargers suck!"
7. Wanted to get billion-dollar endorsement deals because of who we are, not
because we won some stupid game!
6. If only we'd had Shapiro and Cochran on defense.
5. Ate free bags of Doritos until we were sick to our stomachs.
4. Have you ever seen a Super Bowl ring up close? Piece of crap.
3. Hard to concentrate when you're having erotic fantasies about Kathie Lee.
2. Pre-game pep talk by Marv Levy.
1. We've already been to Disneyland.
[Music: "Purple Haze" by Jimi Hendrix]
================================================================================
== GOLF ========================================================================
-= golf =-= 1 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Official Rules For Bedroom Golf
1. Each player will furnish his own equipment for play; normally, one club and
two balls.
2. Course to be played on must be approved by the owner of the hole. Owner of
the course must approve equipment before play may begin.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the
balls out of the hole.
4. For the most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course
owners are permitted to check the stiffness of the shaft before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length or girth of the club
to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until course
owner is satisfied. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission
to play the course again.
7. It is usually considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon
arriving at the course. The experienced player will normally admire the
entire course with special attention paid to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention any other courses that they have played
or currently are playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset
owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
9. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly
scheduled, especially on a different course being played for the first time.
Previous players have been known to get irate if they find someone else
playing what they considered their own private course.
10. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some
owners may be embarrassed if their course is temporarily under repair, and
the player is advised to use tact in this determination. More advanced
players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
11. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be prepared to proceed at
a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course's request.
12. It is considered the outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the
same hole several times in one match.
13. Responsible indoor golfers always use a golf bag with well-fitted covers on
their club-heads.
14. Course owners shall be the sole judge of who is the best player.
15. Players are not permitted to tee off on the back nine without the expressed
permission of the course owner.
16. The course's owner is responsible for the manicuring and pruning any bush
around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and
approach to the hole.
17. It is considered bad form to reveal your score to other players, or even
that you have played the course.
-= golf =-= 2 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Mount Pleasant Golf Club
With the admission of lady members to the club, all members are kindly requested
to adhere strictly to the following revised club rules.
1. All lady members are prohibited from meddling with gentlemen's balls before
the game starts.
2. It will be the responsibility of the gentlemen to constantly check and ensure
that the holes are kept clean and smooth.
3. Full cooperation from all lady members are desired especially during the
short and jerking strokes.
4. All partners in a game are urged to finish off together. Should the men reach
the end first, he must continue hs strokes until the lady attains full score.
5. In all cases where lay positions are not possible, the players may choose to
adopt a standing or squatting position.
6. All male players are permitted to adopt any new style they prefer, such as
starting from behind the hole if the partner agrees.
7. All male members are advised to stay away from any hole which shows signs of
recent repairs until the red flag is lifted. Those who do not abide by this
rule may proceed at their own risk.
8. The management of the club cannot be held responsible for damaged holes lost
balls or broken lung due to improper play.
9. Time of play for various age groups:
From 20 to 40 It is one in the morning and one at night
40 to 50 It is now and then or when able
50 to 60 God knows when
60 to 70 If he still thinks he is capable, take no notice, he is out of
his mind.
-= golf =-= 3 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Golfers always sink their putts.
Golfers do it in 18 holes.
Golfers do it with their putters.
Golfers have it down to a tee.
-= golf =-= 4 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Golf: The game where ya gotta get it up to get it in.
-= golf =-= 5 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the golfer wear two pairs of shoes?
In case he got a hole in one.
-= golf =-= 6 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Do you know why they call it golf?
All the other four letter words were taken.
-= golf =-= 7 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Lady goes to a doctor and says that she's in pain because she got hit by a
golf ball.
Doctor asks her where she got hit.
She says it was between the first and second hole.
Doctor says, "Well, it doesn't give me much room to work on, does it?"
-= golf =-= 8 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Lady goes to a doctor and says that she's in pain because she got hit by a golf
ball. Doctor asks her where she got hit. She says it was between the first and
second hole. Doctor says, "Well, it doesn't give me much room to work on, does
it?"
-= golf =-= 9 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Sandy and Ian were out for the usual round of golf one day. "Tell you what,
Ian. Let's make this game worth our time. I'll bet you a shilling that I
score lower than you do this round." (Scotsmen, you see)
"Sounds good, Sandy."
And they were off. They matched scores for the first eight holes, and things
were looking good when they teed off on the ninth. After their first drives,
they trooped off for the next stroke. Problem was, Sandy could not find his
ball. He looked all over, but to no avail.
"Ian, help me look for my ball!"
"I'll look around from here, Sandy. Don't forget--a lost ball counts as four
strokes!"
Sandy looked around some more, but couldn't find his ball. Finally, out of
desperation, he snuck a new ball out of his pocket, and dropped it when Ian
was not looking. "Ian, I've found me ball!"
Ian exploded: "You cheater! How dare you! I never thought that any man I
played a friendly round with would stoop to cheating for even a shilling!"
Sandy said, "What do you mean 'cheater'? I found my ball, I'll play it
where it lies!"
Ian said, "That's not your ball! I've been standing on your ball for five
minutes!"
-= golf =-= 10 =--------------------------------------------------------------
What is the one thing said on a golf course that is never heard in a whorehouse?
Bite you cocksucker!!!
-= golf =-= 11 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Two men were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in
front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the
course, and they didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf
etiquette.
After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll walk up
there and ask those gals to let us play through." He walked out the fairway,
got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around, and came back, explaining, "I
can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe
you'd better go talk to them."
The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there, and, just as his
partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back.
He smiled sheepishly and said, "Small world."
-= golf =-= 12 =--------------------------------------------------------------
From Ben Wick's "Book Of Losers"
A lady golfer competing in the 1912 Shawnee Invitational for Ladies at Shawnee-
on-Delaware took a glorious wack at the ball and watched as it sailed
majestically into the Binniekill river. But luck was on her side. The ball
remained floating, making it possible for the energetic golfer to leap into a
boat and set off in hot pursuit. Each time she was within range of the ball,
our heroine would give an almighty swipe. She eventually connected and sent the
ball up onto a small beach, 1.5 miles from where she had started. After leaping
out of the boat, she bagan to tackle the next hurdle, a forest lying between her
ball and the hole. She finally made it in a magnificent 166 strokes for the
130-yard, par 3, 16th hole.
-= golf =-= 13 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless
citizens. - Bob Hope
-= golf =-= 14 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Why did God invent golf?
So men could dress like pimps.
-= golf =-= 15 =--------------------------------------------------------------
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught
dead in otherwise. - Roger Simon
-= golf =-= 16 =--------------------------------------------------------------
An avid golfer goes to the local golf course to get in a couple hours of
practice after work one day. He hits a large bucket of balls on the driving
range, but still hasn't corrected the slice he's working on. Not having enough
money to buy another bucket of balls and being all alone on the practice tee, he
walks up the edge of the driving range picking up balls in the weeds and bushes
so as not to be noticed.
Pretty soon, he can carry no more, so he stuffs twenty or so in the front
pockets of his baggy pants until they are full. Walking back to the tee, he
notices a pretty young lady has come up to hit balls on the range also. As he
gets closer, she notices the bulges in his pants and makes a strange expression
on her face.
Seeing this, the golfer is a little embarrassed and, wanting to explain,
says, "Oh...they're just golf balls..."
The young lady looks at him sympathetically and says, "Wow, is that anything
like tennis elbow?"
-= golf =-= 17 =--------------------------------------------------------------
In Africa, some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground with
clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call this a form of
primitive self-expression. In America, we call it golf.
-= golf =-= 18 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Two Polish friends are on the golf course and have just finished nine holes.
One looks around and says to the other: "Listen I've got to take a shit and
the clubhouse is too far, can I use your handkerchief to wipe?"
The other: "What, are you nuts? Use the leaves in the woods!"
The first: "But it's fall and they're all dry!"
The second: "Then use a dollar."
The first Polish guy looks a little desperate and after thinking for a while
wanders off to the woods. Twenty minutes later he's back and his hands are
covered with shit.
The second guy says: "What the hell happened to you?"
The first guy: "Shut up, I'm not in any mood to talk with four quarters stuck
up my ass."
-= golf =-= 19 =--------------------------------------------------------------
If a golfer plays one round of golf each week of the year, and then plays one
additional round, (without a cart), how many miles does that golfer walk?
185 miles.
-= golf =-= 20 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Jesus and Moses come down to Earth to play golf one day. Jesus, being a big
Jack Nicklaus fan, is trying to beat his score posted at the same course in a
tournament the previous week. Upon reaching the 200 yard par 3 15th hole, Jesus
is 2 strokes behind Jack's game and playing aggressively. He steps up to the
tee and asks Moses for his 5 iron since Jack had hit a 5 iron over the huge
water hazard to within 6 feet to make birdie. Moses is unable to persuade Jesus
to hit a more realistic 3 iron, and Jesus proceeds to hit three balls in a row
into the pond.
Finally, Jesus loses his seemingly endless patience and walks out onto the
middle of the pond to play his ball where it lay to avoid the penalty stroke.
Just then, the following group strolled up to the tee to see this astonishing
sight.
One of the players turns to Moses and says, "Who does that guy think he is,
Jesus Christ?!?"
"No," Moses replied, "he thinks he's Jack Nicklaus."
-= golf =-= 21 =--------------------------------------------------------------
All morning, the American businessman talks about golf in his office. The rest
of the day, he discusses work on the golf course.
-= golf =-= 22 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Two guys are playing golf when one says, "Did you hear about Bill?"
"No," said the other. "What about him?"
"He went nuts and beat his wife to death with a golf club."
"God, that's awful."
They were quiet for a moment and then the friend asks, "How many strokes?"
-= golf =-= 23 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Victor, after a long, hard days work, decides he needs some relaxation, so he
goes to his local brothel. He enters and finds the madam. As it's the busiest
time of the day, there is only one girl left, who is Chinese and doesn't know a
word of English.
"I'll take her," he says desperately, as he is also in a hurry.
So they proceed upstairs and get down to business. As Victor is going full
whack, the girl begins to shout out, "Sung wa! Sung wa!" To which Victor assumes
that this means great, fantastic, etc, so he continues unperturbed.
The following day he as at a golf meeting with a wealthy, prospective Chinese
client, and is trying to impress him in any way he can. Just then, the client
T's off and gets a hole in one. This gives Victor the opportunity to use his
newly found Chinese phrase... "Sung wa! Sung wa!" he proclaims, to which the
client replies, "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?"
-= golf =-= 24 =--------------------------------------------------------------
A Texas business man while in Japan for some business meetings and a few
rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely
that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be
his companion for the evening. Although, the Japanese girl spoke very little
English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the
heat of the moment, she began yelling, "Gama Su!, Gama Su!" Hearing this, the
Texan knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to
sleep.
The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of
his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away! Everyone went crazy
and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the
Texan joined in and began yelling, "Gama Su! Gama Su!"
Suddenly everyone became quiet.
After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked:
"Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?"
-= golf =-= 25 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Received from someone who thought it was a true story:
A kid had cut open a golf ball and had *eaten* the liquid centre. The stuff
in this case was a thick, dark fluid, and the child's mother naturally assumed
that it was some petroleum product.
She frantically called the family doctor, and as she was rushing to the
doctor's office with the apparently poisoned kid, the general practitioner was
rapidly flipping through the "Common Household Poisons" book. There was no
mention of golf balls in it. The doctor called up a golf ball manufacturer and
explained the situation; but they said that their golf balls had a solid core.
"I wish I'd asked the name of the manufacturer!" the doctor lamented.
The ball manufacturer helpfully named their sole competitor that made balls
with liquid centres.
Another quick phone call, and the answer: the centre was made of cod liver
-= golf =-= 26 =--------------------------------------------------------------
"Honey, I have a confession to make," a guy told his bride. "I'm a golf nut.
You'll never see me on weekends during golf season."
"Well, dear," she murmured. "I have a confession to make too. I'm a hooker."
"No big deal," replied the groom. "Just keep your head down and your left
arm straight."
-= golf =-= 27 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Two golfers were playing along somewhere near the edge of the course. One of
them gazed across the fence and remarked, "Look at those idiots over there ice
skating in this blizzard!"
-= golf =-= 28 =--------------------------------------------------------------
It's a nice hot summer day and two men are playing golf on a course that is
situated near a main road. As he is just about to tee off on the 10th hole, one
of the men notices a hearse driving slowly along the road. He stops in mid swing
and places his club on the ground, turns round, faces the road and removes his
hat in a solemn gesture.
The second man turns round to him and says, "Come off it, it's only a
hearse."
To which the first man responds, "But you don't understand, its my wife's
funeral..."
-= golf =-= 29 =--------------------------------------------------------------
A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying
the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all
day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway.
He looks at the caddy and says, "I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm
going to go drown myself in that lake."
The caddy looks back at him and says, "I don't think you could keep your head
down that long."
-= golf =-= 30 =--------------------------------------------------------------
There was a man who enjoyed playing golf, and could occasionally put up with
taking in a round with his wife. One time (with his wife along), he was having
an extremely bad round. On the 12th hole, he sliced a drive over by a
grounds-keepers' shack. Although he did not have a clear shot to the green, his
wife noticed that there were two doors on the shack, and there was a possibility
that, if both doors were opened, he might be able to hit through.
Without hesitation, he instructed his wife to go around to the other side and
open the far door. Sure enough, this gave him a clear path to the green. He
stepped up to his ball and prepared to hit. His wife had been standing by the
far door, waiting for him to hit through. After a moment, she became curious and
stuck her head in the doorway to see what he was doing. At that exact moment,
the husband cracked a three-wood that hit his wife square on the forehead,
killing her instantly.
A few weeks later, the man was playing a round at the same course, this time
with a friend of his. Once again on the 12th hole, he sliced his drive to the
shack. His friend noticed that he may be able to hit through, if he was to open
both doors.
"Nah," replied the man, "Last time I did that I took a 7."
-= golf =-= 31 =--------------------------------------------------------------
A man dies and approaches the pearly gates where he encounters St. Peter.
"Ah," says St. Peter, "we've been expecting you. I'd like to let you walk
through the pearly gates here, and looking through my book, I notice you've
lived a good life....BUT...I see that one time, ONE TIME, you got a little angry
and said the "F" word, didn't you?"
"Yes," says the man, "but it was only one time."
St. Peter: "Well, I've been known to make an exception when there are
extenuating circumstances."
Man: "Well, I said the "F" word when I was playing golf.."
St. Peter: "Oh, so you're a golfer, are you? Well that explains a lot. Go
ahead and tell me why you said the "F" word."
Man: "Well, I was playing in a tournament, and I had a one stroke lead. As
I started into my backswing for my drive on the last hole, just at the peak of
my swing, I realized that I had chosen the wrong club! I had the five iron
instead of the four iron..."
St. Peter: "And THAT'S when you said the "F" word?"
Man: "Well, no, as it turned out I hit the five iron shot of my life! The
ball was headed straight up the fairway, when all of a sudden, a passing bird
flew right into the ball's path..."
St. Peter: "You said the "F" word then, didn't you?"
Man: "Well, no, just as the bird got to the ball, it started to hook, and
the bird actually helped direct the ball towards the green where it landed and
started to roll towards the cup! It was rolling real well, when all of a
sudden, a squirrel came onto the green and came towards my ball..."
St. Peter: "The "F" word, you said it then, yes?"
Man: "Well, the squirrel actually pushed the ball towards the hole, where it
stopped rolling just about 2 inches from the cup.."
St. Peter:" You didn't miss the fucking putt, did you?!?!?"
-= golf =-= 32 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Ah, I believe this one is best done with a bit'a the brogue after a wee sip.
Me wife says to me one day, "Tain't it about time you learned to play this
golf thing that all the other husbands are play'n?"
So I goes next door and says to me neighbor, "Can you teach me to play golf?"
He: "Sure. Have you got any balls and club?"
Me: "?.....of course. Why?"
H: "Well bring'em to the club house tomorrow and we'll T-off."
M: "?T-off? Whats this T-off?"
H: "Oh, it's just a golf term and we'll T-off right next to the clubhouse."
M: "Look, you T-off where ever you want to but I'll T-off in private if you
don't mind."
H: "(chuckle) No no, a T's that little thing about the size of your little
finger."
M: (them damn women been talk'n again)
H: "Look, the first thing you do is stick you T in the ground and put you
ball on top of it."
M: "Oh, this is sit down game?"
H: "No, your standing up when you put your ball on the T."
M: "Is'nt that stretch'n things a bit far"?
H: "No. You got a bag to go along with your balls'n clubs"?
M: "?.....of course. Why?"
H: "Zippered bag or velcro"?
M: "?...........neither."
H: "Oh, well how do you hold you club"?
I: "Two fingers."
H: "No, no. That's not right. Look let me get around behind you like this.
Now spread your feet apart a bit. Bend over a bit. Now I'll put my arms around
you and show you how to swing."
M: "Damn man, I spent six years in the Navy and I know what you got on your
mind.
H: "Ok, look, you take your club and swing it over your shoulder..."
M: "No, no, that's me brother Jimmy you be think'n of."
H: "...and you hit your ball with it and it'll soar and soar."
M: "I can well believe that."
H: "Then when your on the green..."
M: "What's the green thing"?
H: "Ah, that's where the hole is."
M: "You color blind"?
H: "No, why"? "...anyway, when you get there, you take your putter..."
M: "Whats a putter"?
H: "Smallest club made]"
M: (Damn that woman, just can't keep her mouth shut).
H: "...and with it you put the ball in the hole."
M: "You mean the putter"?
H: "No, the ball, the hole isn't big enough for the ball and the putter."
M: "Well, that's when I knew he didn't know what he was talk'n about. Cuz I
seen holes big enough for a horse-n-wagon."
H: "Then after the first hole, you go on to the next 17."
M: "I quit. Takes me 18 days to make one hole. Besides, how would I know
when I in the 18th one"?
H: "Why, the holes got a flag in it."
M: Sheeez!
-= golf =-= 33 =--------------------------------------------------------------
A threesome is getting ready to golf when a golfer walks down the path to the
first hole and asks if he may join them. They agree and begin golfing. It is
noticed that the new golfer is left-handed and shooting a wonderful round. After
they finish 18, the fourth golfer is invited back to golf the next week.
"Sure," he says, "But I might be a little late."
The next week he shows up on time and again golfs a great round, only this
time he is golfing right-handed. He is invited back for next week's round.
"Sure," he says, "But I might be a little late."
The next week he shows up on time and golfs left-handed, again shooting a
good round, and is invited back.
"Sure," he says, "But I might be a little late."
The next week he shows up on time, golfs left-handed and shoots a good round.
When invited back he again cautions that he might be late. Finally, one of the
golfers asks him, "We've seen you golf both left- and right-handed, which I
think is amazing, and you always tell us you might be late. Why is that?"
To which the golfer responds, "Well, like many golfers, I am superstitious.
When I wake up to go golfing, I look at my wife. If she's sleeping on her left
side, I golf left-handed. If she's sleeping on her right side, I golf right-
handed. And if she's on her back, well, I'm going to be a little late."
-= golf =-= 34 =--------------------------------------------------------------
This man had decided to spend some time in this new and fancy resort which
advertised an all inclusive do-all-you-can kind of sojourn. So he shows up at
the desk, gets his key and goes to his room. Looking through the hotel's book,
he finds there are tennis courts on the premises so he calls the desk to find
out how to go about playing a set or two.
"Just meet the pro at the tennis shop, he will lend you all that you need and
will find you someone to play with." answered a very polite clerk.
"How much is that going to cost me?" the man asks. So the man goes to the
shop, plays tennis all afternoon. When he is done he asks the pro how much he
owed. "Nothing, this is on the room."
The next day he decided to try horseback riding and again found it did not
cost him a penny more than the price of the room. After a week there he had done
just about everything that was available except golf. On is last day, he decided
to play a round so he goes to the club house, gets what he needs and starts his
games. When he came back to the shop the pro asked him how the game had gone.
"Not so good" the man answers, "in fact I lost 5 balls."
"Well" says the pro, "that will be $5000.00 sir."
"What do you mean $5000.00, for 5 lousy golf balls? You have to be kidding.
I played an afternoon of tennis, went horse riding, scuba diving, deep sea
fishing and more and was never charged a cent, and now that I have lost 5 balls
you charge me $5000.00 ?"
"Well" the pro says, "you know, this hotel really gets you by the balls."
-= golf =-= 35 =--------------------------------------------------------------
While playing golf, a man bumps into an old woman near the woods stirring a
big pot of cloudy liquid. He asks her who she is and she replies, "I am the
golf witch."
He asks what that means and she says, "Whoever drinks this potion will become
a golfer on par with Arnold Palmer."
He wants to drink the potion but the witch now warns him that the side effect
is that it will ruin the sex life of the person whoever drinks it. He still
wants it and drinks a glass of it.
A year passes, and now he's now killing everyone in golf. He comes to the
same course and goes into the woods to see if the witch is still around. Sure
enough, she's still there stirring the same potion. She recognizes him and asks
how his golf is. He replies, "Great! I am now in world class league."
She then asks, "Well! How's your sex life?"
He goes, "Can't complain! I had sex five times last year."
The witch is now stunned. She stops stirring and, amazed, she asks, "You had
sex five times in a whole year and you call that good?"
The golfer then says, "Hey! That's good enough for Catholic priest in a
small town. Isn't it?"
-= golf =-= 36 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Jesus was playing golf one day and Moses was his caddy. On the first tee,
Moses suggested to Jesus to use a 4 wood.
Jesus replied, "No; on the first tee, Arnold Palmer always uses a driver."
Jesus swings and hits a shot onto the fairway. Moses took out a 4 iron and
hands it to Jesus. Jesus hands the club back to Moses and says, "That Arnold
Palmer always uses a 5 iron for his second shot."
Jesus swings and hits the ball into the water. He walks on the water and a
couple of people passing by ask Moses, "Who does he think he is? Jesus Christ?"
Moses replies, "No, Arnold Palmer."
-= golf =-= 37 =--------------------------------------------------------------
The Green Golf-Ball Joke
These two guys were approaching the first tee. The first guy goes into his
golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend, "Hey, why don't you try this
ball." He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "You can't lose it."
His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!!"
The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. If you hit it into
the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces
bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to
find it."
Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the
possibilities until he is convinced.
The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball!"
The man replies, "I found it."
-= golf =-= 38 =--------------------------------------------------------------
An avid golfer has been dating a lady who works at a house of ill repute (he
doesn't know that).
They get pretty serious and the golfer wants to propose.
"Ginger, darling." he says. "I want to marry you. But I must confess
something about myself. I am an avid golfer and golf all the item."
Ginger smiles, for she is in love with the man as well.
"That's okay. I don't mind. But I think I should tell you something about
myself. I'm a hooker."
"Oh, I'm sure if I take you out on the course, I'll help your problem."
-= golf =-= 39 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Mack, the golfer, wakes up in the emergency room with a doctor standing over
him asking what had happened.
"Well, I was playing golf with my wife. I'd been having a great game but
unfortunately, she wasn't. On the 15th tee, I hit a beautiful shot, 270 yards
straight down the fairway. My wife steps up and hits a tremendous slice that
leaves the course and lands in the pasture out of bounds. We both went looking
for the ball and just as we were about to give up I spotted a glint of white
coming from a cow's behind, just under its tail. I lifted the tail to make
sure and then called to my wife saying 'Here, honey, this looks like your's.
That's the last thing I remember."
-= golf =-= 40 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Two long time golfing buddies were playing the back nine when suddenly a
thunderstorm formed overhead and with one lightning bolt zapped both players
killing them instantly. When they reported to the pearly gates, St. Peter
discovered there had been an error and neither of them was supposed to be there
yet. Since both their original bodies had been burned to cinders he offered to
return them in what ever form they preferred.
After a brief discussion, one of them stated they wanted to return as
lesbians.
"Lesbians," cried St. Peter, "Whatever for?"
"Well," replied one, "we can still eat pussy and we get to use the red
tees!"
-= golf =-= 41 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Jesus, Moses, and this old guy decided to play golf one day. On the first
tee, Moses whacks the ball a beautiful one, sending it screaming towards the,
where it rolls to a stop, just a foot from the hole.
"What do ya think of that?" he beamed.
"That's nothing, step aside," Jesus replied serenely.
If Moses' drive was a beautiful one, Jesus' was simply gorgeous. The ball
fairly burned through the air as it headed for the green. It hit the green and
rolled gently past Moses' ball, stopping a mere six inches from the hole.
"Mind if I play now?" the old man spoke up. Jesus stepped aside and let the
man tee up.
The shot had vigor, mind you, but it hooked wildly into the trees and
disappeared from sight. A second later, the trio heard a loud THWOCK and the
ball sailed out of the trees, into the air, and across the fairway. It fell
toward a water trap, but just before it hit, a fish leapt out of the water and
snatched it out of the air. As the fish fell back to the water, a hawk, who had
been disturbed when the ball hit its nest, swooped down and snatched the fish
into the air and flew with it down the fairway. Just as the fish passed over the
green, the ball fell out of its mouth, hit Moses' ball and bounced onto Jesus'
ball and plunked into the hole.
The old man leaned happily on his club and said, "What do ya think of THAT?"
Jesus snarled, "Quit fucking around, Dad, and let's play golf."
-= golf =-= 42 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Jesus, Moses and an old man were teeing off on the 16th hole on heaven's golf
course. The 16th hole is a par 3 (short) over a lake. Moses, the first to tee
off, steps up and swings, and the ball dives right for the water. He instantly
spreads his arms, the water parts, and the ball rolls across the bottom of the
lake and up on to the green. The others compliment him on his shot, and then
Jesus steps up for his turn.
Like Moses, Jesus' ball heads straight for the water, but when it gets there,
it just rolls across the surface of the lake, continuing until it gets across
and rolls up onto the green. After showering him with complements, the old man
steps up to take his shot.
His ball also dives for the lake, but bounces off the back of a turtle and on
to the far shore. There, a squirrel picks up the ball and heads for the woods.
As the others begin to laugh, a hawk swoops down and picks up the squirrel. As
the hawk flies over the green, it squeezes the squirrel. The ball falls out of
the squirrels mouth, bounces once on the green, and then rolls into the cup.
Jesus turns to the man and says, "Nice shot dad!"
-= golf =-= 43 =--------------------------------------------------------------
One sunny day Jesus, Moses and an elderly small man were playing golf.
Jesus was the first to tee off and he hit the ball a little left and it ended
up in the water hazard. Because it was Jesus, his ball floated and when he got
down to the hazard he walked upon the water and hit the ball onto the green.
Moses was the next to tee off, and like Jesus he hit the ball into the water
hazard. When he got down to the hazard, he parted the waters and hit the ball
onto the green.
The little old man was next, and he too hit into the water hazard. Just then
a big fish swallowed the ball and began the swim away. A hawk swooped down and
grabbed the fish in its talons and started to fly away. As the hawk passed over
the green, it tightened its grip on the fish which caused the ball to pop out of
the fish. The ball landed on the green and rolled into cup.
Jesus then turned to the old man and said, "Look Dad, if you're going to
play, play fair."
-= golf =-= 44 =--------------------------------------------------------------
A man who is an avid golfer finally gets a once in a lifetime chance for an
audience with the Pope. After standing in line for hours, he gets to the Pope
and says, "Holiness, I have a question that only you can answer. You see, I
love golf, and I feel a real need to know if there is a golf course in heaven.
Can you tell me if there is?"
The Pope considers for a moment, and says, "I do not know the answer to your
question, my son, but I will talk to God and get back with you."
The next day, the man is called for another audience with the Pope to receive
the answer to his question. He stands before the Pope, who says, "My son, I
have some good news and some bad news in relation to your question. The good
news is that heaven has the most fabulous golf course that you could imagine and
is in eternally perfect shape. It puts all courses on earth to shame. The bad
news is that you have a tee time for tomorrow morning."
-= golf =-= 45 =--------------------------------------------------------------
A nun goes to confession, "Oh Father, I am ashamed, I was golfing with the
other sisters, and said the 'F' word.
"Oh Sister, what made you say the 'F' word?"
"Well I teed off the 5th hole, and sliced it into the woods."
"Sister, for that you said the 'F' word?"
"Oh no, I got out of that mess ok, only to land in a sand trap."
"Sister, for that you said the 'F' word?"
"Oh no! I got a good hit out of the trap, it bounced on the green, and rolled
into the trap on the other side."
"Sister, for that you said the 'F' word?"
"Oh no, I hit it out of the trap, and came up 6 inches from the hole."
"Oh Sister, for that you said the 'F' word?"
"Oh heavens, no Father."
Then the priest cuts in and asks, "Sister, don't tell me you missed a fucking
six inch putt!!"
-= golf =-= 46 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Two golfers are at the first tee:
Golfer one: Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!
Golfer two: *Great* trade!!!!
-= golf =-= 47 =--------------------------------------------------------------
One night a man returns home well after dark after having supposedly left at
6:30 that morning to play golf. His wife is furious and demands to know where
he's been.
"Well, I got up this morning at 6:30, went to the car and it wouldn't start.
So I called Frank to drive and it was 7:15 until he could pick me up. On our
way to the course, Frank gets a flat tire so we have to walk 8 miles to the
nearest station to get someone to help us. By the time we finally get going
again, it's 10:30. When we get to the course, there is a seniors group going
off so we have to wait two hours before we can tee off."
"Yeah, but that was still almost eleven hours ago!" His wife nagged.
"Well, we were playing along when on the fifth hole a golf ball comes
whizzing by and strikes Frank in the head, killing him. So for the next
thirteen holes, its hit the ball, drag frank, hit the ball, drag Frank, hit the
ball...."
-= golf =-= 48 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Vicar George and Vicar Henry were out for a game of golf one day. On the
first green, having missed a two foot putt, George screamed aloud, "Fuck it, I
missed!" This really caught Vicar Henry by surprise but he decided to say
nothing.
So, along the game went and on the third green Vicar George missed another
simple putt. To Henry's surprise again, George shouted, "Fuck it, I missed!"
Henry decided to calm George down a little and told him that the Lord would
strike him down for using such foul language.
Anyway, both vicars played on, and George was able to control his temper
until the final green where he missed yet another two-footer to win the match.
Uncontrollably, the same, foul words came from his mouth, and in a flash,
lightning came down from above, struck Vicar Henry, and killed him instantly.
Suddenly, Vicar George heard a big booming voice from above, sounding the words:
"Fuck it, I missed!"
-= golf =-= 49 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Two men were out playing a game of golf. One of them was teeing off at the
third hole, when a gorgeous naked lady ran past. Naturally, this distracted him
somewhat, but the true wannabe pro that he was, he bent back to the much more
important task at hand. As he was about to hit the shot again, two men in white
coats ran past. This was of course less of a distraction, so it was only a few
seconds before he was ready again. Surprise surprise, he was again distracted
by a third man, running by in a white coat, but this man was carrying two
buckets of sand.
Eventually, he was ready again, and took his shot. As he was walking down the
fairway, he asked his companion what he thought had been going on. His companion
knew and told him: "Well that lady, once a week, manages to escape from the
loony bin beside the course, tears off her clothes and runs across the fairways.
The three guys you saw were the nurses. They have a race to see which can catch
her first, and the winner gets to carry her back."
"What about the bucket of sand?"
"Well, that guy won last week, the buckets of sand are his handicap."
-= golf =-= 50 =--------------------------------------------------------------
He was out playing a round of golf one day with three of his friends, who
were also ministers, when on one of the par fives he reaches the edge of the
green in three, leaving himself with about a 35-40 foot birdie putt.
He lines the putt up so that he feels pretty comfortable with it and strikes
what looks to be a perfect putt, headed straight for the hole. Just as the ball
gets to the hole, it stops, hanging right on the rim of the hole. Being a
preacher and a man of God, he looks up to the sky and says to God, "How 'bout a
little help?"
Just as he says this, a moth flies onto the green, briefly buzzes around
their heads and then decides to rest....RIGHT ON HIS BALL!!! The moth lands on
the ball but the ball still doesn't move, prompting him to say, "YOU DIDN'T SEND
A BIG ENOUGH MOTH!!!" Right when he says this, the moth starts crawling around
the ball, and eventually crawls to the hole side of the ball, causing, you
guessed it, the ball to drop straight into the hole. With this my friend simply
looks up to the sky with an "Amen!"
-= golf =-= 51 =--------------------------------------------------------------
A Rabbi is out of town on Yom Kippur. Since nobody knows who he is, he
decides to play a round of golf. Up in heaven, God sees him and decides to
punish the Rabbi for his transgression. However, before God does anything,
Moses stops him and says, "Let me take care of this." God thinks about it for a
moment and say "Okay."
The Rabbi tees off on the first hole, and from above, Moses causes the ball
to be a perfect hole in one. This is repeated for the second hole, the third
hole, in fact, for every hole on the course. The rabbi has hit a perfect game.
God turns to Moses and says, "I thought you were going to punish him?" to
which Moses replies, "Who's he going to tell?"
-= golf =-= 52 =--------------------------------------------------------------
A Scot and an American were talking about playing golf during the various
seasons of the year.
"In most parts of the USA, we cannot play in the winter time. We have to wait
until spring" the Yank said.
"Why, in Scotland, we can even play in the winter time. Snow and cold are no
object to us." said the Scot.
"Well, what do you do; paint your balls black?" asked the American.
"No," said the Scot. "We just put on an extra sweater or two."
-= golf =-= 53 =--------------------------------------------------------------
This man got stranded on an island in the middle of the ocean. For eleven
years, he was stuck there until, one day, he saw a liferaft in the lagoon. He
watched with excitement as a very attractive young woman got out of the raft and
waded to the shore, her wet and tattered dress gripping her curvaceous body.
It seems that her ship hit the coral reef near the island during the previous
night while a big party was going onboard and the woman had just enough time to
jump into the raft with her purse before the ship quickly sank.
The man, overjoyed at seeing another person, blurts out his whole story about
how he managed to live on the island alone, how he learned to live off the land,
surviving by his wits.
"How long did you say you've been on this island?" she asked.
"Eleven long years," he replied.
"How long has it been since you had a smoke? Care for one?" she then asked
as she pulled a cigarette out of her purse.
"Oh yes, indeed!" exclaimed the man.
The woman handed the man a cigarette, who smoked it with great relish.
"How long has it been since you had a drink?" asked the woman.
"Eleven long years!" replied the poor man.
The woman reaches into her purse and pulls out a flask with some liquor in it
and handed it to the man who drank it with a sigh.
"Gee, I just realized. You've been on this island for eleven years and I
guess you haven't had any human contact or intimacy all this time...how long has
it been since you played around?" asked the woman then with a wolfish grin on
her face.
"Well, eleven long years also" the man replied with a smile.
The woman, with a sexy gaze, began to unzip her dress and dropped her purse
onto the ground.
"Holy smokes!" exclaimed the very excited man. "Don't tell me you have a set
of golf clubs in there, too!!!!"
-= golf =-= 54 =--------------------------------------------------------------
A man steps up for a tee shot with a row of trees and out of bounds on the
right side. He slices it wildly and it heads off in the direction of the trees.
He reloads and forgets about the ball. About 15 minutes later, a highway
patrolman approaches him. "This your ball?" asks the policeman.
"Yes, I think it is."
"Well," says the officer, "it went over the trees and through the window of a
house. It hit a cat and the cat ran out the front door. A school bus was
driving by at the time and the driver, while trying to miss the cat, hit a tree.
The bus exploded in flames, and there were no survivors."
"Gee, I'm sorry." said the golfer. "Is there anything I can do?"
The policeman replied, "Well, you might try keeping your left arm a little
straighter and start your downswing with your hips."
-= golf =-= 55 =--------------------------------------------------------------
A woman golfer just came off of the 18th green after a round of golf when she
was met by the club pro.
Pro: Hi, how did the round of golf go?
Woman: Very well, but I got stung by a bee.
Pro: Oh really, Where did it sting you?
Woman: Between the First and Second holes.
Pro: I told you your stance was too wide!
-= golf =-= 56 =--------------------------------------------------------------
A man and his new bride were playing golf together on their honeymoon. The
lady was playing extremely well, and had won nearly every hole. On the 18th
hole, she had a 30 foot putt for birdie. She turned to her husband and said,
"Honey, if I make this putt, I will break par for the first time in my life, and
I'm going to give you the best blow job you've ever had!"
"It's good! It's good!" said he.
-= golf =-= 57 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Four very low-handicapped players were playing on their normal golf course.
Unusually, the play was very slow and the players began to get frustrated. By
the tenth hole, they began firing their tee shots at the foursome ahead of them,
who were constantly in the woods and were the root cause of the slow play.
Finally, the good foursome finished their round, coming in just under eight
hours. After spotting the slow group in the clubhouse, they went right after
them, swearing their asses off. The club pro saw this spectacle and pulled
aside the guys. He said, "Didn't you know that the foursome ahead of you are
all *blind*; they're taking part in a special event."
After hearing this, the foursome immediately had a change of heart. The
first one said, "Just to show how sorry I am, I'll pay for their green fees."
The second replied, "And I'll pay for their carts."
Predictably, the third member said, "Whatever food and drinks they want, I'll
pay for them."
The club pro considered their acts very gracious and, turning to the fourth
member, said, "And what are you going to do for them?"
The golfer, still noticeably upset, retorted, "Fuck them, they could have
played last night!"
-= golf =-= 58 =--------------------------------------------------------------
A golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning. Finally the pro
asks him what he wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the golfer
replies.
The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally
calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf
balls.
As the golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks him, "Before you
go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"
"Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand
traps!!"
-= golf =-= 59 =--------------------------------------------------------------
An avid golfer got married, and the marriage was getting into problems as he
was playing golf 5 days a week. They finally talked about it and she asks him
if he could teach her golf, that way they can both enjoy golf and improve their
marriage. He argues that golf is a serious game and that she is just trying to
prove her point by mocking the game. After some arguing he agrees to have her
go to the course with him.
They go to the course and she signs up to take some lessons with the local
pro. The lessons keep going on everyday, and he is happy she doesn't bother
him.
One day, one of his buddies asks him how the marriage is going. He replies,
"It is great, ever since she takes the golf lessons, she doesn't bother me and
lets me play all the golf I want."
His buddy says, "Really, then I guess you don't know that she is screwing
around with the golf pro."
The man's eyes turned red and smoke came out of his ears, getting very
furious and saying, "I knew it could not last, I knew she'd make a mockery of
the game."
-= golf =-= 60 =--------------------------------------------------------------
The following are borrowed from the May '93 edition of Golf Digest:
1. The score a player reports on any hole should be regarded as his opening
offer.
2. When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more
club or two more balls.
3. If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much
earlier age.
4. When another foursome is on the green, "Fore!" is not an excuse, "So what?"
is not an apology, and "Up yours" is not an explanation.
5. Never leave your opponent with the sole responsibility for thinking of all
the things that might go wrong with his shot.
6. The only sure way to find a drive sliced deep into the woods is to hit a
provisional ball 260 yards down the middle.
7. The stages of a golfer's game are: Sudden Collapse, Radical Change, Complete
Frustration, Slow Improvement, Brief Mastery, and Sudden Collapse.
8. Four days of perfect weather begin on Monday. (Especially appropriate here in
Syracuse, NY)
2
9. D = nP (The odds of hitting a duffed shot increase by the square of the
number of people watching.)
10. Don't play with anyone who would question a 7.
11. When you look up and cause an awful shot, you will always look down again at
exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever
want to see it again.
12. Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the
beginning of the next group of three.
13. It's often necessary to hit a second drive to really appreciate the first
one.
14. Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
15. Whenever you play in a mixed foursome, there will always be at least one
hole where you have to hit your second shot before the ladies tee off.
And one of my own...
You haven't really played golf until you've had to decide which opening in the
trees gives you the best chance of getting back to the fairway.
-= golf =-= 61 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the far-sighted golfer who drove his caddies nuts?
-= golf =-= 62 =--------------------------------------------------------------
The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson. "Is the word spelled
p-u-t or p-u-t-t?" she asked the instructor.
"P-u-t-t is correct," he replied. "'Put' means to place a thing where you
want it. 'Putt' means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."
-= golf =-= 63 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Taffy gets his fist golf lesson. His instructor tells him:
"You see that little flagpole over there. Just hit the ball and try to get
it as close to it as you can."
So Taffy gives it a good whack and upon approaching the hole they see that he
ended up 5 cm. from the hole.
"Very well," the instructor says amazed. "Now, you have to hit it into the
hole."
"What!!!" exclaims Taffy. "Why didn't you say so in the first place?"
-= golf =-= 64 =--------------------------------------------------------------
An accountant has worked for one very rich client for 25 years. The rich man
decides it is time to reward his accountant so he asks him what he wants. The
accountant thinks about it and replies, "How about a set of golf clubs." The
rich man asks the accountant how many clubs are in a set. The accountant
replies that there are 14.
Well, about a month goes by and the accountant has second thoughts, wondering
if maybe he should have just asked for a watch when finally the rich man calls.
He says, "I have some good news and some bad news. I managed to get ten clubs
but only seven of them have pools."
-= golf =-= 65 =--------------------------------------------------------------
A couple of buddies ran into each other at the 19th hole one afternoon. One
of the men had a large bandage wrapped around his throat and could speak no
louder than a hoarse whisper. Needless to say, the other was quite curious and
demanded the details of what had happened. Over a couple of cold ones, the man
with the bandage told his tale.
"Two days ago, I came out to the club real early to play around. At that
hour, there's not too many people on the course; in fact, the only one I saw was
this lady who was playing ahead of me. Anyway, I was hitting them really well,
right up until I got to the 7th hole. Just as I was teeing off, a bird squawked
and I hooked it right into the cow pasture next to the fairway. I grabbed a
club and climbed the fence to look for my ball. The lady I told you about was
also over there looking for her ball. Well, I looked, but I couldn't find that
damned ball anywhere and the lady didn't seem to be having any better luck. Then
I noticed this one cow. She seemed to be in pain or something. I went over to
take a look at her. At first I couldn't see anything wrong, but then I lifted
her tail. Sure enough, there was a ball stuck you-know-where. Well, I checked
the markings, but it wasn't mine. So, I yelled out, 'Hey, lady, does this look
like yours?' That's when she hit me in the neck with a five iron."
-= golf =-= 66 =--------------------------------------------------------------
A man and his wife are playing golf, and the man is scoring well. On the
14th, he hits his drive with an almighty slice into a nearby farmyard. He and
his wife eventually find the ball sitting in front of a barn.
His wife asks, "Are you declaring it unplayable?"
"No, I have an idea" says the man, "could you open the doors at the other end
of the barn? I'm going to hit through the barn and onto the green."
His wife duly opens the doors, and the man hits a screamer towards the green,
but just as it's about to escape the barn, the ball hits the top of the doors
and rebounds, hitting his wife on the head and killing her instantly.
A year later, the man is playing the same hole with a friend, and does
exactly the same drive, in front of the first set of barn doors.
His friend says, "Why not play it through the barn?"
The man replies, "I tried that last time, it was a disaster."
"Why, what happened?" his friend asked.
"I had a bloody seven."
-= golf =-= 67 =--------------------------------------------------------------
He was 26 over par by the eighth hole, had landed a fleet of golf balls in
the water hazard, and dug himself into a trench fighting his way out of the
rough, when his caddy coughed during a 12-inch putt. The duffer exploded.
"You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!" he screamed.
"I doubt it," replied the caddy. "That would be too much of a coincidence."
-= golf =-= 68 =--------------------------------------------------------------
A man was playing a game of golf, and on hole 16, he hit the ball right into
a field of buttercups. As honest a golfer as he normally was, he picked up the
ball and laid it next to the flower bed to avoid destroying the beautiful
buttercups.
A fairy comes down and says, "Thank you for not disturbing my buttercups.
For that I shall make sure that you always have a full supply of butter."
"Thank you," the golfer replied, "but where were you last week when I hit the
ball into the pussywillows?"
-= golf =-= 69 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Three men gathered together for a round of golf on Mother's Day. The men
were quite surprised at being "let go" for the day, and each wanted to know how
the other got away from their wife.
The first man said, "I purchased a dozen red roses for my wife, and she was
so happy that she let me go."
The second man said, "I purchased a diamond ring for my wife, and she was so
thrilled with me that she let me go."
The third man said, "I woke up this morning, rolled over, looked at my wife,
and said to her 'Golf course or inter-course,' and she said 'I'll put your clubs
in the car.'"
-= golf =-= 70 =--------------------------------------------------------------
From the San Jose News:
Danielle Ammaccapane picks up $180,000 Sunday for winning a golf tournament.
She leads the LPGA (Ladies Pro Golfers Association) in earnings for the season
with more than $350,000 and already has surpassed $1 million in career winnings
early in her fifth year on the pro tour.
On the other hand, Algerians finished 1-2 in the world camel marathon Sunday
in Tunisia, a 26-mile race over sand dunes and steppes. The winner's purse:
$1,385.
-= golf =-= 71 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Two buddies are out at the 7th tee. The first guy hits a tremendous drive
and yells, "Fore!" A player in the foursome ahead turns around at the sound of
his voice and is struck in the forehead by the ball.
The two golfers run to the prostrate body. They find the unfortunate man
lying on his back with the ball embedded in his head, with blood everywhere. He
is, of course, d-e-a-d.
"Oh my god," cries the man who hit the ball, "what am I supposed to do now?"
"Use your nine-iron," replied his friend.
-= golf =-= 72 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Four guys got together for their weekly golfing when one of the buddies
announced that he would have to miss the following week's outing because of
scheduled surgery.
"Hope it's not serious," one friend said. "Everything okay?"
"You guys may have noticed that I never showered with you," the guy replied.
"That's because, through some fluke, I was somehow born with both male and
female genitalia and I was too embarrassed to let anyone see. The doctor is
going to sew up the vagina."
"Are you crazy?" Have him cut off your balls. Then you can hit from the red
tees!"
-= golf =-= 73 =--------------------------------------------------------------
A foursome was playing golf on a rather sunny day in spring. Fred was having
some trouble with his swing but wasn't losing by too much. The group approached
the 15th tee which was quite near a road and he watched as his partners teed off
before him. Just before he was about to tee off, a car came down the road and
got a flat tire right near them. The woman in the car was quite striking so the
other three men decided that they would help her out. Fred, on the other hand,
wanted to tee off his shot first. His shot was beautiful. He was quite upset
that his friends hadn't seen it. However, he quickly changed his mind as he saw
the ball bounce twice on the green and roll into the cup.
Just then, a flash appeared at his feet and he looked down to see a small
man. "I am the hole-in-one fairy and I will grant you a wish for your effort."
Fred looked around to make sure no one saw him. If he was hallucinating he
didn't want anyone to see him talking to no one. "Are you serious little man?"
The little fairy nodded in response and Fred tried to think of something good
to wish for. "I know," he said. "I would like it if I had a longer dick."
"And so it shall be done," the fairy said as he flashed away. Fred stood
there for a few more minutes not feeling any different and noticing that his
dick was still it's small self. Not wanting to tell the guys, who were
returning now, he kept himself quiet. That day, he came in behind the others as
he was unable to concentrate on his game for the rest of the day.
Before going to sleep he checked out his dick and noticed that it might have
actually increased in length by a few fractions of an inch but he put it down to
imagination and figured it was all just a dream and went to sleep.
The next morning, when he awoke he was immediately aware that his dick had
actually grown a good two inches while he had slept. Unfortunately, his wife
was still asleep, but he figured he would spring his newfound masculinity on her
when he returned home from work.
That night, when Fred returned home from work he noticed that his dick had
grown another two inches. He went right up to his wife in the kitchen and she
realized what was happening right away when he rubbed up behind her. She tried
to ask what or how, but she was overwhelmed and she was satisfied beyond her
dreams that night by Fred.
The next morning, Fred could not believe that his dick had grown another four
inches that night and now he was starting to get worried. He had difficulty
hiding what was happening to him while he walked around at work.
After a few days Fred's dick had to be tucked into his sock so that it didn't
show out his pants legs and he was getting even more worried, so he grabbed his
golf clubs and went out to the 15th tee again with a few buckets of balls. He
started hitting balls from the tee to try and get another hole-in-one.
Finally, after laboring all day (and another two inches later), Fred gets a
hole-in-one and there is a flash at his feet as the hole-in-one fairy appears.
"I am the hole-in-one fairy and I will grant you a wish for your effort."
"Hi, it's me Fred, I asked for a longer dick a week ago," Fred blurted out
quickly.
"Oh yeah, I remember you, how is it going?"
"Great, Mr. Fairy, my wife loves it and it had given me a real boost of
confidence at work, but my dick is getting so long it will be dragging on the
ground soon and I thought I would ask you if..."
"I know," the Fairy broke in, "you want me to shorten it a little so it
doesn't drag on the ground."
"No," Fred replied, "I was wondering if you could make my legs longer."
-= golf =-= 74 =--------------------------------------------------------------
If you want to take long walks, take long walks. If you want to hit things with
a stick, hit things with a stick. But there's no excuse for combining the two
and putting the results on TV. Golf is not so much a sport as an insult to
lawns. - National Lampoon
-= golf =-= 75 =--------------------------------------------------------------
I hope everyone gets this joke. I think you need to be married and an avid
golfer to understand it.
A golfer was leading a tournament when disaster struck. He hit his ball
under a tree on the par 4 5th hole. His caddie turned to him and asked what he
was going to do. "Well. I'm going to get a 3 iron and punch the ball under the
tree onto the green so I can shoot for a birdie."
The caddie replied that he should use the 7 iron and hit the ball over the
tree onto the green and shoot for a birdie.
So the golfer gets his 7 iron out and hits the ball. Alas he didn't get
enough height and the ball has hit the trunk of the tree and rebounded into the
gallery, hitting the golfers wife, and killing her.
A couple of weeks later the same golfer is out player a game of golf with a
friend when he finds himself under the same tree on the par 4 5th. His friend
asks what he's going to do and he replied, "Well. I'm going to get a 3 iron and
punch the ball under the tree onto the green so I can shoot for a birdie."
His friend turns to him as says that a 7 iron over the tree is the way to go.
The golfer quickly turned to his friend and said, "You wouldn't believe this
but I was leading a tournament here a few weeks ago and I had exactly the same
shot. I was going to use a 3 iron but my caddie persuaded me to use a 7 iron
instead."
"So what happened?" asked his friend.
"I scored a 6 and lost the tournament!" replied the golfer.
-= golf =-= 76 =--------------------------------------------------------------
A man's wife was killed. The sheriff said to the man, "I've seen the
coroner's report, and I have a few questions regarding it. Could you tell me
what happened?
"Well, I teed off not realizing that my wife was standing in front at the
lady's tee, and the ball struck her in the head."
The sheriff said, "That account agrees with the coroner's report, but I have
one more question. Do you have any idea why a golf ball was found up your
wife's ass?"
The man said, "That mas my mulligan."
-= golf =-= 77 =--------------------------------------------------------------
What's the best thing to do if you get caught out on a golf course in a
lightning storm?
Hold a one iron over your head because even God can't hit a one iron.
-= golf =-= 78 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Pressure is playing for $50 a hole with only $5 in your pocket. - Lee Trevino
-= golf =-= 79 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Michelle is at her first golf lesson. The golf pro tells her, "Alright, now
get a good grip on that club. Hold the club like you hold your husband's organ."
She takes the club and hits the ball.
He says, "Beautiful. Perfect shot! Now, take the club out of your mouth,
put it in your hands, and we'll go for distance."
-= golf =-= 80 =--------------------------------------------------------------
The minister drove into a sand trap. He picked up his golf club and broke it
but didn't say a word. Then he picked up the golf bag and tore it to shreds but
didn't say a word. Then he took out all the golf balls and flung them into the
woods but did not say one word. Finally, he muttered, "I'm gonna have to give
it up."
"Golf?" asked the caddie.
"No," he replied. "The ministry."
-= golf =-= 81 =--------------------------------------------------------------
From the I-Don't-Think-So Department:
According to the club pro at the Pyongyang, North Korea, golf course frequented
by Kim Jong Il, the country's "Dear Leader" shot a 34 on a recent round of 18
holes, including five holes-in-one.
-= golf =-= 82 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Every time I look at the ball, I see my ex-wife. - John Daly, explaining why he
can hit a golf ball farther than anyone else on the pro tour
-= golf =-= 83 =--------------------------------------------------------------
The Lamaze class was in full swing and the coach was teaching all the women
how to breathe properly and the men how to give assurances and whatever else
they have to do at this late stage of the game. The teacher then stopped and
raised her voice, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially
beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking
with your partner!"
All was quiet in the room and finally a man in the back raised his hand.
"Yes," replied the teacher.
"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
-= golf =-= 84 =--------------------------------------------------------------
]NEW[
A guy is at the golf course and shows his friend his new 'toy'. It's a golf
ball that flashes brightly on and off, and is permanently luminous in its off
state. It also emits an audible bleep so it can be recovered easily in a low-
visibility area.
His friend says, "Hey that's great!"
"Hang on," the guy says, "there's more." and produces a hand-held computer
from his jacket pocket, the screen clearly showing a flashing 'X' in the center
of a compass.
Rightly amazed, his friend says, "Fantastic! Brilliant! Where can I get a
ball like this?"
To which the guy replied, "I dunno, I found it."
================================================================================
== HIKING ======================================================================
-= hiking =-= 1 =------------------------------------------------------------
Two guys are hiking when they notice a large, angry looking grizzly up the path,
heading in their direction. Immediately, one sits down, takes off his hiking
boots and starts to put on his running shoes. The other says, "Don't you know
you can't outrun a bear?" The first man says, "I don't have to. I just have to
outrun YOU."
-= hiking =-= 2 =------------------------------------------------------------
Two men went to mountains for a hike. Suddenly, one of them fell into a pit.
His friend cried, "How are you? Are you alive?"
"Yes," was the answer.
"How is your head?"
"Okay!"
"How are your legs?"
"Okay!"
"And what about your hands?"
"Everything is okay!"
"Oh, if everything is okay, why don't you climb out of the hole?"
"I can't. I haven't reach the bottom yet!"
================================================================================
== HOCKEY ======================================================================
-= hockey =-= 1 =------------------------------------------------------------
The other day, when I was watching a boxing match on TV, a hockey game broke
out!
-= hockey =-= 2 =------------------------------------------------------------
Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
-= hockey =-= 3 =------------------------------------------------------------
Why was there a timeout in the leper hockey game?
There was a face off in the corner!
-= hockey =-= 4 =------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a hockey game and a prize fight?
In a hockey game, the fights are real.
-= hockey =-= 5 =------------------------------------------------------------
Hockey is a slippery game, played on ice. - Jack Parker, coach of Boston
University, the team that got annihilated 9-1 in the national championship game
-= hockey =-= 6 =------------------------------------------------------------
From David Letterman - Friday, January 20, 1995
Top Ten Ways The New York Rangers Spent Their Time Off
[Presented by members of the New York Rangers hockey team]
10. Joy riding on the zamboni.
9. Skeet shooting on the White House lawn.
8. Watching Oprah!
7. You know that adorable skating bunny in the Ice Capades? That was me!
6. Watched tape of 1994 Stanley Cup Game 7, 300 times!
5. Trying to make time with Susan Powter.
4. Playing golf with the Yankees.
3. Eating!
2. Keeping my stick waxed, if you know what I mean.
1. Doing Stanley Cup-sized Jello shots.
[Music: "We are the Champions" by Queen]
================================================================================
== HUNTING =====================================================================
-= hunting =-= 1 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Hunters do it in the bush.
Hunters do it with a bang.
Hunters do it with a big gun.
Hunters eat what they shoot.
Hunters go deeper into the bush.
Old hunters never die, they just stay loaded
-= hunting =-= 2 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A man takes his wife out deer hunting for the first time. It's early in the
morning and the husband is explaining the rules to his wife, "Now, remember
these woods have allot of greedy people in them, so if you shoot one, run right
over to it and guard it with your life. If you don't someone else will."
The wife nods okay.
"And, if you get in trouble, shoot your gun in the air three times. I'll be
over as soon as I can."
And again the wife nods okay.
"Now, this is what we're going to do. See that ridge to your right. You're
going to sit on top of that one, and I will sit on this one to the left."
They both agree and go to their blinds. About thirty minutes after sunrise,
the husband hears a gunshot come from the ridge his wife is sitting on. He
thinks to himself, "Cool, her first time out deer hunting and she gets one!"
Five more minutes pass, and he hears three gunshots come from the other
ridge. He thinks, "Oh, great. Now she's in trouble."
Being the good husband he was, he ran over to the other ridge. As he reached
the top, he came into a clearing where his wife was holding off another man with
her gun. The husband gingerly walked up to them and said, "Alright, what's
going on here!?!"
Promptly the other man looks at the husband and says, "Look, I don't want any
trouble from you. Just let me get the saddle off first."
-= hunting =-= 3 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A stockbroker from New York City got tired of all the stories of his office
colleagues who went duck hunting each year. They frequently boasted of their
prowess in the hunt and how many ducks they had bagged. So not to be outdone
this broker decides he's going hunting to show them all up. He buys the most
expensive shotgun available, all his hunting clothes and gear from L. L. Bean,
gets his license and goes hunting.
After an exasperating day of tromping through the marshes and briars without
seeing a single duck, he heads back to his car. On the way back, he sees a duck
fly overhead. He raises his gun and blazes away at it and actually hit it. The
duck fall into a nearby farmyard. As the hunter starts to climb over the fence
to retrieve his kill, he's confronted by a farmer who says, "Where in the hell,
do you think you're going city boy?"
The guy replies, "I'm going to get my duck."
The farmer replies, "My property, my duck."
The guy says, "Oh come on, I've been out here all day and and that's the only
duck I've seen, I shot it, it's my duck!"
The farmer again says, "My property, my duck."
Well, they argued for a few minutes and, finally, the farmer says, "I'll tell
you what, we'll settle this country style."
The guy says, "What's that?"
The farmer says, "Well, I kick you in the balls as hard as I can, and then
you kick me in the balls as hard as you can, and we keep this up and the last
man standing keeps the duck."
The guy not wanting to return home empty-handed reluctantly agrees. The
farmer wearing large heavy work boots haul back and kicks the guy in the balls
with all his might. The guy's eyes roll back in his head, he coughs and wheezes
but barely manages to remain standing. He composes himself somewhat and says to
the farmer, "Okay, now its my turn."
The farmer replies, "You can have the duck."
-= hunting =-= 4 =-----------------------------------------------------------
From 'News of the Weird':
A company in California has started to market "camouflage toilet paper" for use
in the woods and plans to run testimonials from hunters who claim they have been
shot at while using ordinary toilet paper (by hunters who mistook them for
white-tailed deer).
-= hunting =-= 5 =-----------------------------------------------------------
From the Brownells Gunsmiths Newsletter who credits Larry Ahlman, Ahlman's, Rt.
1, Box 20, Morristown, MN 55052. (supposedly true)
A carload of hunters, looking for a place to hunt, pulled into a farmer's
yard. The driver went up to the farmhouse to ask permission to hunt. The old
farmer said, "Sure you can hunt, but would you do me a favor? That old mule
standing over there is 20 years old and sick with cancer, but I don't have the
heart to kill her. Would you do it for me?"
The hunter said, "Sure," and headed for the car. While walking back,
however, he decided to pull a trick on his hunting buddies. He got into the car
and when they asked if the farmer had said okay, he said, "No, we can't hunt
here, but I'm going to teach that old cuss a lesson."
With that, he rolled down his window, stuck his gun out and blasted the mule.
As he exclaimed, "There, that will teach him!" a second shot rang out from the
passenger side.
And, one of his hunting buddies shouted, "I got the cow!"
-= hunting =-= 6 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Two morons are out duck hunting. They hunt and hunt and hunt into the late
hours of the evening and still have not killed one duck. Finally, moron #1 says
to moron #2, "Maybe we'd do better if we threw the dog up higher."
-= hunting =-= 7 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the moron who went elephant hunting?
He got a hernia carrying the decoys.
-= hunting =-= 8 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A moron hunter gets lost in the woods, so he does the standard survival
procedure of firing three shots into the air. Every few hours, he repeats this,
but no one comes. Finally after two days, someone stumbles across him. "Boy am
I glad to see you!!" he shouts, "I ran out of arrows about three hours ago."
-= hunting =-= 9 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Two Poles went hunting. As they were driving to the hunting lodge, they saw a
sign which said "Bear Left", so they went home.
-= hunting =-= 10 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Two men go duck hunting. They settle down in their hide and start waiting
for the ducks. This gets rapidly boring for one of them so he reaches into his
backpack and withdraws a bottle of 100 proof scotch.
"Want some?" he asks his mate.
"No, I've got to concentrate on hunting ducks."
"Okay..." he says and happily drains the bottle.
They go back to watching for ducks. Again, the man gets bored and gets from
his backpack another bottle of scotch.
"Want some." he asks again.
"No, thanks" is his reply
"Your loss." he says and happily drains the bottle. He's pretty sloshed by
now, but goes back to help his friend watch for ducks.
A minute later, a single duck flies up. "Bang!!!" goes his mates gun.
"Damn, missed" his mate says.
The man waves his gun in the general direction of the sky. "Bang!!!" his gun
goes. He kills the duck straight.
"Wow," his mate, "how did you do that?"
"Well," he replied, "when there's a whole flock, you can hardly miss, can
you?"
-= hunting =-= 11 =-----------------------------------------------------------
The following is a true story told to me by a duck hunter.
One day, a fellow duck hunter was legally hunting in the hills of Wisconsin,
near a game reserve (where one is absolutely not allowed to hunt.) Along came a
duck, and Pow!, the duck falls away from him, into the game reserve.
Well, he thought, the duck is already dead, I may as well go pick it up. So
he walks toward where the duck went down, only to find the duck floating in the
middle of a pond. He sees an unoccupied boat and "borrows" it. After rowing to
the middle to the pond, he is about to pick up the duck when... The game warden
says, "Hold it right there Buddy."
At first, the warden wanted to charge the hunter with illegal hunting, but
the guy had not touched the duck, and he couldn't prove that he shot it. Next,
he tried to charge him with having a gun in a boat (apparently illegal), but
couldn't; the gun was left on the shore. Next, he tried to charge him with boat
theft, but couldn't find the owner. So, he finally found something to charge
the hunter with: being in a boat without a life preserver!
-= hunting =-= 12 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Two hunters decide to go moose hunting in Canada. They hire an airplane to
drop them off in a remote region. The pilot drops them off and tells them:
"I'll be back in one week. No more than one moose - got it?"
One week passes, and the pilot returns. The hunters have two moose. The
pilot says: "Hey, I told you guys no more than one moose." One of the hunters
replies: "Look the pilot told us the same thing last year and we gave him a
*big* tip to take both moose out."
The three of them argue for several minutes more. The pilot gives up and
agrees to take both moose.
Well, they load up the moose and fire up the plane. The plane shudders and
strains trying to take off. It finally gets the wheels off the ground 5 feet,
10 feet.... Whoops! It runs out of runway and smashes into a tree.
The two hunters, dazed and confused make there way out of the wreckage. One
hunter looks at the other and says: "Where the Hell are we?"
The other looks around and replies: "About 100 yards further than we got
last year!"
-= hunting =-= 13 =-----------------------------------------------------------
How can hunters find their game in the woods?
By listening to the tree bark.
-= hunting =-= 14 =-----------------------------------------------------------
From some L.A. paper, in a column by Roger Simon:
A recently released federal study, however, showed that 50% of all hunting
accidents come from hunters falling out of trees.
-= hunting =-= 15 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Two tourists in Africa decided to do some lion hunting. When they found some
lion footprints, one of the tourists got scared. He whispered to his partner,
"You follow this prints forward and find out where the lion is going. I'll
follow these prints backward and find out where the lion came from."
-= hunting =-= 16 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Missouri - A man showing off a turkey he thought he had killed was shot in the
leg last week when the wounded bird thrashed around in his car trunk and
triggered his shotgun. "The turkeys are fighting back." said Sheriff Ron
Skiles. And well they might; it turns out Larry Lands, who was in satisfactory
condition in the hospital in Potosi, and his son, Larry Jr., 16, were hunting a
week before the start of turkey season and will probably be fined, the sheriff
said.
-= hunting =-= 17 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Risks Of A Modern Weatherman
Network Wind Profiler Severely Damaged
A wind profiler in OAR's Wind Profiler Demonstration Network (WPDN) was
severely damaged by several shot-gun blasts late last week. On March 28, just
before sunrise, two men and one woman were pheasant hunting in southern Nebraska
and came across the McCook wind profiler and mistook it for an alien spacecraft.
Frightened, they fired a number of shots damaging the profiler antenna and
the electronics shed. Furthermore, a Forecast Systems Lab (FSL) technician who
was in the shed conducting routine system checks was taken hostage by the
hunters. After being held captive for nearly two hours, the technician's
partner arrived and explained to the hunters what the profiler really was. The
hunters then fled and so far, they have not been apprehended by law enforcement
officials. Profiler damage is estimated at $150,000.
-= hunting =-= 18 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Down here in Cajun land we have really UGLY people. I used to see my
neighbor, Thibodeaux, go out in the woods every morning and come back with a
mess of squirrels, but I never saw him bring a gun.
One morning, I went out and met him and asked him if he was trapping them
squirrels. He said, "No, I just ugly them to death."
Well, I told him I never heard of such a thing and he invited me to come
along and see how it was done. Shortly after we entered the woods, we spotted a
squirrel up in a tree. Old Thibodeaux gave a short whistle to get the squirrel's
attention and when the squirrel looked, Thibodeaux squinched up his face and
stared right at the squirrel.
To my amazement, the squirrel dropped out of the tree and hit the ground,
dead as a doornail.
I told Thibodeaux, "It is hard to believe anybody can do that!"
He said that it was no big deal he knew lots of people that could do that.
He said, "As a matter of fact, even my wife can do it, but I don't let her hunt
anymore, 'cause she messes up the meat too bad."
-= hunting =-= 19 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A man walked into a bar one evening, evoking a gasp from all who were there.
The man's head was extremely undersized in relation to his body. He seemed to
not be bothered by it at all. He spent great sums of money in the bar treating
all the guests to several rounds. The bartender struck up a conversation with
the disfigured man and at last the subject came around to the mans deformity.
He relayed this story: One day, I was out hunting and came upon the strangest
sight I had ever beheld. There was this extremely beautiful winged woman pinned
under the fallen branch of a tree. I immediately removed the large branch
freeing her. She told me she was a fairy and that for saving her she would
grant me three wishes. I wished for all the money I could ever want and a large
house. I was having trouble coming up with the third wish when I looked her up
and down and said my third wish was to have hours of passionate sex with her.
She said that it was not possible. Trying to compromise, I asked if my third
wish could be to just simply grope around on her body for a while. She said
that too was impossible. She further stated that I could not touch her but that
she could touch me. The idea immediately sprang into my mind but my choice of
words was my undoing, "How about a little head?!"
================================================================================
== RUNNING =====================================================================
-= running =-= 1 =-----------------------------------------------------------
You know you've made the right decision to take up jogging if on your first try
at it, you have more jiggle than jog.
-= running =-= 2 =-----------------------------------------------------------
While in New York during January 1994 to receive a prestigious international
sports award, Chinese running phenomenon Wang Junxia, 20, told reporters that
her daily regimen consists of up to 22 miles of running and a diet that usually
includes worms, extract of caterpillar fungus, and the blood of soft-shell
turtles. Wang has broken so many world records that some suspected she was
using illegal drugs, but tests have always turned up negative. Her coach, Ma
Junren, insists her secret is the worm elixir, which he now bottles and sells
worldwide, with revenues of at least $1 million.
-= running =-= 3 =-----------------------------------------------------------
In April 1994, runner Mauro Prosperi took a wrong turn and got lost in the
desert between Morocco and Algeria during the Des Sables marathon. He was
missing for nine days.
In August 1994, Tobago marathoner Michael Alexander, out for a practice run
in Burbank, Calif., took a wrong turn and was missing for 13 hours in the San
Fernando Valley. During that time, he jogged four miles illegally on the
Ventura Freeway and called a relative in Tobago to ask for help.
-= running =-= 4 =-----------------------------------------------------------
From Late Show with David Letterman - Friday, November 4, 1994
Top Ten Signs You're Not Going To Win The New York City Marathon
10. You've been "training" at Blimpie's.
9. Losing precious minutes with your frequent Marlboro breaks.
8. Your favorite three words in the English language: "More pie, please."
7. You get stuck behind Al Sharpton.
6. Instead of Gatorade, you're drinking Zima.
5. Before you've gone 2 miles, your 4-inch heel snaps off.
4. Instead of the eye of the tiger, you've got the dull stare of a dairy cow.
3. Every time you bend over to tie your shoes, you cramp up like a son-of-a-
bitch.
2. You run several feet, then puke your ever loving guts out.
1. You've just finished last year's marathon.
================================================================================
== SCUBA DIVING ================================================================
-= scuba diving =-= 1 =------------------------------------------------------
How many people does it take to circumcise a whale?
Four skin divers.
-= scuba diving =-= 2 =------------------------------------------------------
Two divers surface after a long, deep dive. As their heads pop out of the
water, a squad of jets (called Buccaneers in South Africa) flies low above their
heads. The one diver puts his hands over his ears and shouts, "It's those
Buccaneers!!!"
To which the other replies, "Yeah, mine are hurting too!"
-= scuba diving =-= 3 =------------------------------------------------------
Three instructors and their students are on board a dive boat in the middle
of the ocean. There is a NAUI instructor, a PADI instructor, and an SSI
instructor. Everything is going fine until the boat springs a leak and starts
to sink.
The SSI instructor says to his students, "Okay, we're in the middle of the
ocean, so we might as well do our deep dive."
The NAUI instructor says to his students, "Okay, we might as well do our
navigation dive, so let's get our compasses out and swim towards shore."
The PADI instructor says to his students, "Okay, for $25 extra you guys get
to do a wreck dive!"
-= scuba diving =-= 4 =------------------------------------------------------
When I got certified, the instructor always stressed that you never go diving
alone. If you run out of air, your buddy can help you. If you have equipment
problems, your buddy can help you. If you meet a shark, your odds are 50-50
instead of 100%"
-= scuba diving =-= 5 =------------------------------------------------------
Do you know what SCUBA really stands for?
Some Come Up Barely Alive
================================================================================
== SKIING ======================================================================
-= skiing =-= 1 =------------------------------------------------------------
Real Men Don't Miss A Ski Season
Tore up you knee playing sports this fall? Are your buddies already razzing you
about missing the season? No problem. One needn't actually ski to experience
the gestalt of skiing. Just simulate the psychic and physical sensations. Here
are 13 ways to duplicate those ski thrills and really pin the fun meter in the
red zone.
1. Drive slowly for five hours, anywhere, as long as it's in a snowstorm and
you're tailing an 18-wheeler. Stop at any gas station that serves food.
When the waitress asks what you'd like, order an upset stomach, because
that's probably what you'll get anyway.
2. Visit you local butcher and pay $22 to sit in his walk-in freezer for half
an hour. Afterward, burn two $50 bills to warm up. It's not real skiing,
but it's close.
3. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button, and let the spray sandblast
your face. You'll almost believe you're skiing in front of a snowmaking gun.
4. Sit under a sun lamp wearing goggles to get that chic raccoon look.
5. Wear apre's ski boots everywhere-even in the shower. For the best effect,
get the boots that look like two dead Afghan hounds strapped to your calves.
6. At the nearest hockey rink, walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots
carrying two pairs of skis, loaded accessory bag, and poles. Make believe
you're looking for your car.
7. For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes and
tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
8. Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away. This will save you
from losing it later.
9. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $3.50 for a hamburger. Be sure to
wait in the longest line.
10. Speaking of lines, stand in any movie line on the coldest day of the year.
Inch ahead with the crowd but don't go in. Do this 12 to 18 times.
11. To simulate losing a ski in deep powder, spend a lot of money to fly to a
Caribbean resort. When you arrive, toss a Krugerrand onto the beach. Then
try to find it.
12. To simulate glade skiing, take a jog through the woods, with your eyes
closed.
13. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast
enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
None of these activities is skiing, but all of them sure feel like it!
-= skiing =-= 2 =------------------------------------------------------------
Three guys drive to a ski range and arrive late at night. They finally find
a place to stay, but when they get to their room, they find that it only has one
large bed, and this is the last room in the place. They decide, 'What the heck,
it's only one night' and share the bed.
The next morning, they all wake up. The guy on the left side of the bed
says, "I had the strangest dream. I thought some guy was jerking me off."
The guy on the other side of bed is shocked. "I had the same dream, too!"
The guy who slept in the middle says, "Well, I didn't have that dream. I
had a dream that I was skiing!"
================================================================================
== SKYDIVING ===================================================================
-= skydiving =-= 1 =---------------------------------------------------------
Skydivers are good till the last drop.
Skydivers do it at great heights.
Skydivers do it in the air.
Skydivers do it sequentially {k}.
Skydivers go down faster.
Skydivers go in harder {l}.
Skydivers never do it without a chute.
-= skydiving =-= 2 =---------------------------------------------------------
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not your sport.
-= skydiving =-= 3 =---------------------------------------------------------
How does a blind parachutest know when to open his chute?
When the lead on his guide dog goes slack.
-= skydiving =-= 4 =---------------------------------------------------------
How does a Irish parachute work?
It opens on impact.
-= skydiving =-= 5 =---------------------------------------------------------
What was the Polack skydiver's misfortune?
His snorkel didn't open.
-= skydiving =-= 6 =---------------------------------------------------------
Sign seen at a Drop Zone (DZ):
Man with unchecked parachute will jump to conclusion.
-= skydiving =-= 7 =---------------------------------------------------------
Seen on a T-shirt:
Remember the days when sex was safe and skydiving was dangerous?
-= skydiving =-= 8 =---------------------------------------------------------
Skydivers often take their parachutes on commercial flights as carry-on
luggage because of their value and poor handling of baggage by the airlines.
This practice has been known to lead to a few misunderstandings.
A jumper had checked in and was headed for his flight with his rig over his
shoulder. At the X-ray machine, the new hire inspector had no idea what she was
looking at and demanded that he open the container for inspection. Well, the
jumper argued and supervisors were called and pilots were contacted, etc. The
jumper finally convinced everyone that he was not a threat and was allowed to
board with his parachute.
During this process, an older gentleman at the X-ray machine overheard the
conversation. It turns out the gentleman was seated across from the jumper on
the same flight. The elder fellow turned to his wife and said, "Martha, that
fella has a parachute in that backpack" pointing to the rig as the jumper placed
it under the seat.
The old lady, disbelieving what she had just been told, turned to the jumper
and said, "Pardon me young man, but is that *really* a parachute?"
The jumper, somewhat miffed at the airline over the whole episode, turned to
the woman and said, "Yes it is, ma'am. Didn't they give you yours?"
-= skydiving =-= 9 =---------------------------------------------------------
There are a lot of reasons to skydive. It does take your mind off your problems.
-= skydiving =-= 10 =---------------------------------------------------------
Parachuting is like deadly poison, one drop and you are dead.
-= skydiving =-= 11 =---------------------------------------------------------
A man is doing his first skydive. He jumps from the plane, freefalls for a bit
then pulls his main rip-cord...nothing happens. After a short panic, he pulls
his reserve rip-cord...again, nothing happens. As he's zooming toward the
ground, another man comes shooting past him toward the sky. The jumper hollers,
"Hey! Do you know anything about rip-cords???" The other man returns, "NOooooo!
Do you know anything about gas stoves?"
-= skydiving =-= 12 =---------------------------------------------------------
Skydiving student Sharon McClelland, 26, who had just amazingly survived a
10,000-foot plunge in September 1994 near Queensville, Ontario, into a marsh
when her parachute malfunctioned, struggled to her feet and rushed to apologize
to her instructor Kevin Killin because she had not followed procedures to open
her backup chute.
================================================================================
== SOCCER HUMOR ================================================================
-= soccer humor =-= 1 =------------------------------------------------------
Soccer players do it for kicks.
Soccer players do it in 90 minutes.
Soccer players have leather balls.
-= soccer humor =-= 2 =------------------------------------------------------
One of my American friends commented about soccer: We guys don't play this game
much. You have to use your head a lot in this game, you know...
-= soccer humor =-= 3 =------------------------------------------------------
In the English soccer championship game in May 1991 (seen by 80,000 people in
Wembly Stadium and on television by 600 million people in 100 countries), the
winning goal was scored in sudden-death overtime by Des Walker of the Nottingham
Forest team, who headed the ball past his own goalie into his own net to gave
Tottenham the title.
-= soccer humor =-= 4 =------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between an Iranian funeral and an English soccer match?
They sell beer at an English soccer match.
-= soccer humor =-= 5 =------------------------------------------------------
Seems that the Columbia's idea of a penalty box is about 6 feet long, made of
pine...
(At the world cup, a Columbian soccer player scored a point in the wrong goal
and his team lost, 2-1. When he returned home to Bogota, a fan shot and killed
him.)
-= soccer humor =-= 6 =------------------------------------------------------
A colleague of mine says he picked up a copy of an American newspaper in which
the soccer correspondent complained that the Word Cup competition had been
unfair to the U.S. The American team, he complained, had had to play Trinidad
and Tobago on the same day, whereas no other team had to play more than one
match a day.
[Explanation for dumbos: Trinidad and Tobago is, of course, a single country.]
-= soccer humor =-= 7 =------------------------------------------------------
From Late Show with David Letterman - Monday, August 22, 1994
Top Ten Ways to Make the World Cup Soccer More Exciting
10. Let 'em use their damn hands!
9. Replace ball with round pinata filled with killer bees.
8. Put one of them speedin' buses on the field.
7. Give one guy on each team a powerful jet pack.
6. Have Madonna inflate the ball.
5. Three words: naked penalty kicks.
4. Instead of 22 players, 1 ball, 1 player and 22 woodchucks.
3. Make nets out of sexy black lingerie from Victoria's Secret.
2. Score a goal, do a shot.
1. Losing team executed on "Donahue".
-= soccer humor =-= 8 =------------------------------------------------------
Reuters News Service - Hundreds of soccer fans in Toronto realized that a local
betting parlor was still taking bets on soccer games that were already over. Of
the 1,940 betting tickets sold, 1,690 were winners. The parlor, which realized
the error too late, paid out Cdn$800,000 in winnings.
-= soccer humor =-= 9 =------------------------------------------------------
Reuters News Service - British rugby player Brendan Tuuta has been accused of
assaulting an 11-year-old wheelchair-bound girl who was watching the game, and
rooting for the other team. Eric Cantona, a French soccer player, has been
suspended from play for the rest of the season for kicking a spectator. But
British soccer player Ian Wright may be the star of the group: he was fined
5,000 pounds for giving a linesman a "V-sign", 1,500 pounds for calling a
referee a "Muppet", and 750 pounds for spitting in a field security guard's
face.
================================================================================
== TENNIS HUMOR ================================================================
-= tennis humor =-= 1 =------------------------------------------------------
Tennis players cannot play with balls all day long.
Tennis players do it in sets.
Tennis players do it in their shorts.
Tennis players do it with a racket.
Tennis players have fuzzy balls.
-= tennis humor =-= 2 =------------------------------------------------------
Have you heard of Rene Richards' best seller tennis book?
It's titled "Tennis without Balls".
-= tennis humor =-= 3 =------------------------------------------------------
License plate once seen on a car: 10SNE1 (Tennis, anyone?)
-= tennis humor =-= 4 =------------------------------------------------------
Love means nothing to a tennis player.
-= tennis humor =-= 5 =------------------------------------------------------
At a local popular racket club, you have to book well ahead if you want to
reserve a tennis court. One tennis enthusiast was so concerned about not losing
his booking that he left early from his wife's funeral. It was a case of putting
the court before the hearse.
-= tennis humor =-= 6 =------------------------------------------------------
Martina Navratilovna won the 1994 Wimbledon match, and she is retiring from
tennis. An interviewer thought she might speak more freely now that she is off
the circuit, and asked, "Tell us, Martina, did you ever use steroids?"
Her unequivocal reply, "Suck my dick!"
-= tennis humor =-= 7 =------------------------------------------------------
John McEnroe was asked recently whether he preferred grass or astro-turf to
which he replied, "I don't know. I've never smoked astro-turf!"
-= tennis humor =-= 8 =------------------------------------------------------
Early one morning, I was out jogging and came across a brand new tennis ball
on the sidewalk just outside the fence of the local private tennis club. The
club had not opened yet and it was fairly obvious no one was looking for their
tennis ball so I decided to keep it. Problem was, I had no pockets to put it
in, so I decided to stuff it down the front of my jogging shorts.
A couple of blocks later, I crossed path with a female jogger who ran
alongside for a few blocks. As we ran she kept glancing at the bulge in the
front of my shorts and finally asked, "Tennis ball?"
"Yeah", I replied in astonishment, "how did you figure that out?"
To which she replied, "Because I had tennis elbow once".
-= soccer humor =-= 9 =------------------------------------------------------
From David Letterman - Wednesday, September 7, 1994
Top Ten Ways The U.S. Open Would Be Different If It Were Held On The Moon
10. Guy hits a lob on Tuesday, opponent returns it on Wednesday.
9. Announcer keeps saying lame things like "That's one short volley for man,
one giant match point for mankind".
8. In space, no one can hear John McEnroe scream.
7. If players argue, umpire cuts off their oxygen.
6. Final round: Michael Stich vs. one of them Star Trek dudes.
5. Lots of laughs when line judge and his tall chair get knocked over by a
low-flying comet.
4. "Sampras has just smashed another blistering 2 mile an hour serve!"
3. Spectator Rush Limbaugh mistaken for Goodyear Blimp.
2. Serve one really hard and it goes all the way around and hits you in the
ass.
1. Two words: floatin' trophies
[Music: "Walking On the Moon" by the Police]
================================================================================
== OTHER SPORTS HUMOR ==========================================================
-= other sports humor =-= 1 =------------------------------------------------
Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
-= other sports humor =-= 2 =------------------------------------------------
From an Associated Press bulletin:
The Associated Press issued a special correction last week, advising editors
that the 'elderly' Norman Vaughan had not climbed 3500 miles to the summit of
Mt. Vaughan, but rather 3500 feet. AP blamed the error on Vaughan's guide, who
said he misspoke.
-= other sports humor =-= 3 =------------------------------------------------
Paraphrased from the bridge column of the LA Times 9-12-82
Have you ever wondered what the first game ever played was?
Some people think it was tennis, because early in the Bible, it says that,
"Joseph served in Pharoah's court."
Others think it was baseball, since in Genesis it says, "In the big inning.."
There seems to be no doubt what the last game ever played will be - bridge,
since at the end of the world..."Gabriel will play the last trump"
-= other sports humor =-= 4 =------------------------------------------------
After the women's 100-meter breast stroke, the German girl filed a complaint
with the Olympic committee. She claimed she came in last because the other
girls were cheating. They were using their arms!!
-= other sports humor =-= 5 =------------------------------------------------
Southampton, England (AP) - Boxer Tony Wilson won his fight in three rounds
Thursday night after his mother climbed into the ring and hit his opponent over
the head with her stiletto shoe.
Opponent Steve McCarthy left the ring with blood seeping from a head wound as
security officers ushered Minna Wilson away.
When McCarthy refused to return, referee Adrian Morgan raised Wilson's arms
in victory, declaring that McCarthy had retired.
Uproar broke out among the 1,000 spectators at the Guildhall in this south
English port, where the British light heavyweight title eliminator fight between
local boy McCarthy and Wilson was being staged.
The furious crowd kicked and punched Wilson before he escaped to a dressing
room, sheltered by his trainer and manager.
"The first thing I saw was my mum in the ring and then everything went wild,"
said Wilson, from Wolverhampton, central England. "She has been watching my
fights for years and nothing like this has happened before."
Police reinforcements were sent. But no one was arrested, and no one was
reported injured.
-= other sports humor =-= 6 =------------------------------------------------
Referee Insults
Hey Ref!
Didn't I see you in a Pepsi commercial with the uh-huh girls?
If you had one more eye, you'd be a cyclops.
Lenscrafters can have 'em ready by the second half.
Munch munch munch, the ref forgot his lunch. Eat it, ref, eat it! Raw Raw Raw!
Nuts and bolts, nuts and bolts, we got screwed!
Open your eyes your missing a great game!
Watch the ball on the field, not the ones in your pants.
You're blind in one eye and you can't see out of the other!
Your wife called and left a message. She said, 'Woof woof woof woof!'
-= other sports humor =-= 7 =------------------------------------------------
I think my favorite sport in the Olympics is the one in which you make your way
through the snow, you stop, you shoot a gun, and then you continue on. In most
of the world, it is known as the biathlon, except in New York City, where it is
known as winter. - Michael Ventre of the L.A. Daily News, as quoted by Tom
FitzGerald in his San Francisco Chronicle column.
-= other sports humor =-= 8 =------------------------------------------------
The 10 Commandments Of The Frisbee
1. The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc straining to get
underneath a car.
2. The higher the quality of the catch the greater the probability of a crummy
rethrow (Good catch; bad throw).
3. One must never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive than,
"Watch This!".
4. The higher the costs of hitting any object, the greater the certainty it
will be struck.
5. The best catches are never seen.
6. The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going in the wrong
direction. (Goes the wrong way; goes a long way).
7. The most powerful hex words in the world of sport are, "I really have this
down...watch." (Know it; blow it).
8. In any crowd of spectators, at least one will suggest that razor blades
could be attached to the disc.
9. The greater your need to make a good catch the greater the probability your
partner will deliver his worst throw.
10. The single most difficult move with a disc is to put it down. (Just one
more throw).
-= other sports humor =-= 9 =------------------------------------------------
I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as Martina
Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet trucks. But to be
brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to go before they reach the
level of intensity and dedication to sports that enables men to be such
incredible jerks about it. - Dave Barry, "Sports Is A Drag"
-= other sports humor =-= 10 =------------------------------------------------
In karate class one day, our instructor came in and told us a story that
happened to a friend of his the night before. Our instructor's friend was
locking up his martial arts studio, still wearing his gui and his black belt,
when someone came up to him with a knife and said, "Give me all your money!"
Needless to say, the mugger was in the police ward of the hospital rather
shortly afterward.
-= other sports humor =-= 11 =------------------------------------------------
The Latin-American diplomat was describing his country to members of a
women's knitting circle in Calafornia. "Our most popular sport is
bull-fighting," he declared.
One sweet old lady, obviously upset at the thought of so bloodthirsty a
spectacle, said, "But isn't that REVOLTING?"
"No, madame," said the Latin, with a wide smile, "that is our second most
popular sport."
-= other sports humor =-= 12 =------------------------------------------------
Embarrassed husband to wife at a party: It's okay to tell people that I'm a big
sports fan, but please stop saying that I'm an athletic supporter.
-= other sports humor =-= 13 =------------------------------------------------
In June 1994, the first official World Toe-Wrestling Championship was held in
Derbyshire, England. Contestants place one foot on the floor, lock big toes,
and try to force the top of the other person's foot down, similar to arm
wrestling.
-= other sports humor =-= 14 =------------------------------------------------
You Know You're Watching Too Much Pro Wrestling When...
anytime you see a mirror you stop and start giving an interview.
as the hockey teams give each other the handshakes, you imagine one of the
players teasing a handshake, only to give a short-arm clothesline to the
opposing player.
before you take off your bathrobe you do your best Rick Rude impression. ("Cut
the music..." etc.)
during a hockey fight, you expect to see one of the coaches hand his guy brass
knuckles.
on your taxes, you write off your calls to 1-900 wrestling lines as a legitimate
personal need.
the tops of your furniture have footprints from you "jumping off the rope."
when you mishear something, you don't say pardon, but do the Hulk Hogan hand
behind the ear routine.
whenever you enter a room or area, you note the locations from which you could
"drop an elbow from the top rope."
you almost go out of your way to start fights, wanting to find out the effect
you could have by delivering a DDT, piledriver, or powerbomb.
you and your friends leave the local movie house after the final show of the
night they're pulling steel mesh across the front, and you immediately jump
behind the mesh and start doing a Randy Savage "steel cage" interview.
you are watching the Academy Awards and you feel cheated if nobody does a run-in
and beats up the winner with the statue.
you automatically associate a wrestler with a theme song in popular music.
you can count to three in languages you know no other words in.
you can't climb into bed without executing a flying elbow drop on your pillow.
you can't fall asleep at night unless you have your extra pillow in a chinlock.
you can't throw a punch without simultaneously kicking the ground with the flat
of your foot.
you dispose of chewing gum by spitting it out and whacking it in mid-air into a
crowd of jeering observers.
you do a double-take when you see the name of author Bret Harte on a postage
stamp.
you don't like Thunder in Paradise, but watch it anyway.
you drop the elbow on your dog while he is sleeping.
you expect a ring announcer to declare the winner of elections.
you go to a judo tournament and start calling real techniques by their pro-
wrestling nicknames: "So he tapped out when I locked on the Payne Killer
uhhh, I mean, a Wakigatame..." *blush*
you have a "shooting" reputation in thumb-wrestling.
you have family dinners in the living room because Monday Night Raw is on.
you like Thunder in Paradise.
you look up where Slim Jims fit into the four food groups.
you powerslam luggage into the trunk of your car.
you refer to other people in your group project as your "tag team partners."
you refuse to be on the bottom during sex for fear of your partner laying the
three-count on you.
you rent "My Dinner with Andre" thinking it's Wally Schawn's second movie with
the Giant.
you run into an acquaintance and instead of shaking hands, you try to do a "test
of strength." (Then you kick him in the abdomen.)
you scout the NCAA wrestling meets looking for the next "Hogan."
you see Martina Navratilova losing a tennis match and wonder when Pam Shriver is
going to run in and "make the save."
you see someone being carried out of a building on a stretcher and you have an
irresistable urge to turn the stretcher over and stomp on the poor victim.
you shake hands with someone, and you have the urge to twist his arm and give
him a short clothesline.
you shout commentary like "OHHHH-whatamaneuver!" during a chess match.
you spend a million dollars trying to get "The Wrestling Channel" off the
ground.
you start naming little things you do (i.e. chewing on pen=the Deadly Bic Bite)
you think, "Gee, O.J. and Al Cowlings would make a great tag team."
you think how cool life would be if your theme music played every time you
entered a room.
you try to find 'Parts Unknown' on a map.
you wish you could settle your differences with everyone that annoys you
"inside...of a STEEL CAGE!"
your cable company calls you to see if you will be ordering the next wrestling
Pay-Per-View.
your chair has dents from piledriving your friends through it.
your date no shows and the next time you see her, you turn heel on her and put
her face through a window.
your high school girlfriend got really pissed when you introduced her to all
your male friends at your prom as your "valet."
your mother asks you to 'take out the trash' and you Perfect-plex your kid
brother.
your wife tells you to put the baby in a sleeper and you knock the kid cold.
-= other sports humor =-= 15 =------------------------------------------------
Cricket As Explained To A Foreigner
You have two sides, one out in the field and one in.
Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in
and the next man goes in until he's out.
When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side that's been
in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes, you get men still
in and not out.
When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and
when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in. There are
two men called umpires who stay all out all the time and they decide when the
men who are in are out.
When both sides have been in and all the men have out, and both sides have
been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out,
that is the end of the game!
-= other sports humor =-= 16 =------------------------------------------------
From "What Are The Chances: Risks, Odds & Likelihood In Everyday Life"
by Bernard Siskin, Jerome Staller, and David Rorvik.
Crown Publishers; New York, NY; 1989.
Hardcover; 177 pages; $16.95
Chapter 12 is "Sporting Chance; Sports/Gambling."
Will high school athletes compete in college sports as well? About half of
them will.
What are the odds that an offensive lineman will play four or more years in
the NFL? About 50 percent.
As a professional football player, are you likely to have a disabling injury?
Almost all pro football players eventually suffer an injury that adversely
affects their career.
-= other sports humor =-= 17 =------------------------------------------------
"If the history of capitalism, from the perspective of our emotions (if not
from the perspective of our material comfort), is understood as a series of
thefts, the theft of nature, place, and family, of daily kinship and community,
then it may be possible that in our time we are witnessing the theft of sport
too. Having fathomed how powerful and fundamental is our yearning for sport,
sport's profiteers are now proceeding with the ambitious work of wringing from
it all that they can."
"When I see the athlete-cum-peddler on television, hawking hamburgers or
deodorant, I suffer an emotional dissonance. It cannot be that this superhuman
figure, a man or woman whom God allows to leap across the sky, is the huckster
now gesticulating before me so shamelessly on the screen, asking me to buy a
certain car tire. Though drones such as I sold out long ago in the knowledge
that selling out is necessary, I nevertheless vaguely thought, or vaguely hoped,
that our athletes, like angels, might be impervious."
"This is business's unkindest cut, this usurping of our athletic heroes ("I'm
going to Disney World!" skater Nancy Kerrigan proclaimed in the afterward of her
finest Olympic performance), or, rather, this remaking of our athletic heroes in
business's own pandering image. Far too many of our gods have been purchased,
and our only consolation is the understanding that at least they went for a
hefty sum; we would have done the same."
- David Guterson, in the September 1994 Harper's, laments the commodification
of sport.
-= other sports humor =-= 18 =------------------------------------------------
From David Letterman - Friday, February 11, 1994
Top Ten Signs You're Not Going To Win A Medal
10. Instead of music, you're ice dancing to Larry King's radio show.
9. Right this minute you're shoveling driveways for beer money.
8. You're the only speed skater not wearing pants.
7. Two words: Team Fiji
6. Instead of the Olympic Village, you're staying at the Lillehammer Days Inn.
5. You're in the biathlon and you exchanged your rifle for a Toys 'R' Us gift
certificate.
4. It takes a bottle of corn oil to get you in and out of your luge suit.
3. You trained for the last 4 years by throwing hatchets at your living room
wall. (videotape of Dave throwing axes into the wall of "his" living room)
2. Your ice dancing partner is Roseanne Arnold.
1. Your name is Tonya Harding.
[Music: Olympic theme]
-= other sports humor =-= 19 =------------------------------------------------
From "Rocky Mountain News"
A rugby player in New Zealand was jailed for six months for biting off the ear
of an opponent. The judge ruled that was "not within the normal give-and-take
the sport allows."
-= other sports humor =-= 20 =------------------------------------------------
When I'm driving, I sometimes turn on the radio and I find very often that
what I'm listening to is a discussion of sports. These are telephone
conversations. People call in and have long and intricate discussions, and it's
plain that quite a high degree of thought and analysis is going into that.
People know a tremendous amount. They know all sorts of complicated details and
enter into far-reaching discussions about whether the coach made the right
decision yesterday and so on. These are ordinary people, not professionals, who
are applying their intelligence and analytic skills in these areas and
accumulating quite a lot of knowledge and, for all I know, understanding. On
the other hand, when I hear people talk about, say, international affairs or
domestic problems, it's at a level of superficiality that is beyond belief.
In part, this reaction may be due to my own areas of interest, but I think
it's quite accurate, basically. And I think that this concentration on such
topics as sports makes a certain degree of sense. The way the system is set up,
there is virtually nothing beyond anything that exists now, to influence the
real world. They might as well live in a fantasy world, and that's in fact what
they do. I'm sure they are using their common sense and intellectual skills,
but in an area which has no meaning, as a displacement from the serious problems
which one cannot influence and affect because the power happens to lie
elsewhere.
Now it seems to me that the same intellectual skill and capacity for
understanding and for accumulating evidence and gaining information and thinking
about problems could be used, would be used, under different systems of
governance which involve popular participation in important decision-making, in
areas that really matter to human life.
And, in fact, to take apart the system of illusions and deception which
functions to prevent understanding of contemporary reality, that's not a task
that requires extraordinary skill or understanding. It requires the kind of
normal skepticism and willingness to apply one's analytic skills that almost all
people have and that they can exercise. It just happens that they exercise them
in analyzing what the New England Patriots ought to do next Sunday instead of
questions that really matter for human life, their own included. - linguist and
activist Noam Chomsky, from an interview published in "The Chomsky Reader"
-= other sports humor =-= 21 =------------------------------------------------
Ping Pong Can Be Dangerous
The Consumer Product Safety Commission's May 1994 report on sports injuries said
1,455 people were sent to emergency rooms in 1992 with injuries from playing
ping pong.
-= other sports humor =-= 22 =------------------------------------------------
I have a pair of "lobster claws", thickish bicycle gloves which hold my index
and middle fingers in one sleeve, and my pinkey and ring finger in a second.
This keeps all my fingers warmer.
However, my daughter asked how I could bike in these gloves. I explained to
her that you don't really need much manual dexterity to ride a bicycle.
She then asked, " So what do you do if a driver cuts you off?"
-= other sports humor =-= 23 =------------------------------------------------
Cricket Joke
Two aliens were visiting Earth to research the local customs. They split up
so that they could learn more in the time allowed. When they met to share their
knowledge, the first alien told of a religious ceremony it had seen.
"I went to a large green field shaped like a meteorite crater. Around the
edges, several thousand worshippers gathered. Then two priests walk to the
centre of the field to a rectangular area and hammer six spears into the ground,
three at each end. Then eleven more priests walk out, clad in white robes. Then
two high priests wielding clubs walk to the centre and one of the other priests
starts throwing a red orb at the ones with the clubs."
"Gee," replied the other alien, "what happens next?"
"Then it begins to rain."
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