SCIENCE JOKES
ver 6.11 june 24, 1995
Collected by Joachim Verhagen (j.c.d.verhagen@fys.ruu.nl)
Includes collection by Lars Olofsson (larso@wmute.trillium.se) of april 1994
Includes math jokes collection by Michael Cook (mlc@iberia.cca.rockwell.com)
of june 1994
Includes collection by Chris Bradfield (ph2008@bris.ac.uk) of oktober 1994
Includes collection by Richard D. LeBreton (S5100101@nickel.laurentian.ca)
of februari 1995
Codes for subjects:
M mathematics ; P physics ; C chemistry ; B biology ; E engineering
A computer science.
* New or changed entry since last time posted (april 1995)
The latest version in now available from FTP, compliments
of Bernard J. Treves Brown (mcnbjtb@fs4.in.umist.ac.uk)
Site: fs4.in.umist.ac.uk
Directory: /sys/users/anonymou/text
File: scijokes.txt
Send comments and contributions to:
j.c.d.verhagen@fys.ruu.nl (Joachim Verhagen)
Contents
=1. Mathematics
=1.1 proofs
=1.2 statistics and statisticans
=1.3 mathematicians
=1.4 mathematics poetry
=1.5 mathematics quotes
=2. physics
=2.1 physics poetry
=2.2 physics quotes
=3. chemistry
=3.1 chemistry poetry
=3.2 chemistry quotes
=4. biology
=4.1 biology poetry
=4.2 biology quotes
=5. The mathematician, the physicist and the engineer (and others)
=6. miscellany
=6.1 rules for research
=6.2 rules for writing an article
=6.3 poetry
=6.4 quotes
=7. anecdotes about scientists
=8. mnemonics
=8.1 mnemonics
=8.2 mathematics
=8.3 computer science
=8.4 physics
=8.5 chemistry
=8.6 biology and medicine
=8.7 miscellany
=9. pranks
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=1. MATHEMATICS
M__________________________________________________________________________
From: guest@se.alcbel.be:
rafy@cairo.anu.edu.au (Rafy Marootians):
Logic is a systematic method for getting the wrong conclusion...
with confidence.
Surely _statistics_ is a systematic method for getting the wrong conclusion...
with 95% confidence.
From: phk@data.fls.dk (Poul-Henning Kamp/P-HK)
Mathematics is the systematic misuse of a nomenclature developed for that
specific purpose.
M__________________________________________________________________________
A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee
up and a doughnut.
M__________________________________________________________________________
From: chrisman@ucdmath.ucdavis.edu (Mark Chrisman)
Most prime numbers are even.
Proof: pick up any math text and look
for a prime number. The first one you
find will probably be even.
M__________________________________________________________________________
Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of
us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of
the smaller prime numbers.
2: The Odd Prime --
It's the only even prime, therefore is odd. QED.
3: The True Prime --
Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you three times, it's true."
31: The Arbitrary Prime --
Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime
in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91
received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the
next most. However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none
at all.
Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities are
derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd but
true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers.
M__________________________________________________________________________
From: Tpotter@voyager.cris.com (Tom_Potter)
Tom Potter: Life is complex. It has real and imaginary components.
M__________________________________________________________________________
From: Erland.Gadde@sm.luth.se (Erland Gadde)
Trigonometry for farmers: swine and cowswine.
M__________________________________________________________________________
From: mstueben@pen.k12.va.us (Michael A. Stueben)
I liked the PI-ous one best.
M__________________________________________________________________________
Q: What does an analytic number theoriest say when he is drowning?
A: Log-log, log-log, log-log, . . .
M__________________________________________________________________________
From: Alan Craig [Alan.Craig@durham.ac.uk]
Mathematicians have announced the existence of a new whole number which lies
between 27 and 28. "We don't know why it's there or what it does," says
Cambridge mathematician, Dr. Hilliard Haliard, "we only know that it doesn't
behave properly when put into equations, and that it is divisible by six,
though only once."
M__________________________________________________________________________
From: chrisman@ucdmath.ucdavis.edu (Mark Chrisman)
"The number you have dialed is imaginary.
Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again."
M__________________________________________________________________________
From: david_gonda@qm.yale.edu
A student was doing miserably on his oral final exam in General Toplogy
(yes, this guy _really_ did give oral finals in topology). Exasperated by
the student's abysmal performance up to that point, the professor asked the
student "So, what _do_ you know about topology?" The student replied, "I
know the definition of a topologist." The professor asked him to state the
definition, expecting to get the old saw about someone who can't tell the
difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut. Instead, the student
replied: "A topologist is someone who can't tell the difference between his
ass and a hole in the ground, but who can tell the difference between his
ass and _two_ holes in the ground."
The student passed.
M__________________________________________________________________________
Definitions of Terms Commonly Used in Higher Math
The following is a guide to the weary student of mathematics who
is often confronted with terms which are commonly used but rarely
defined. In the search for proper definitions for these terms we
found no authoritative, nor even recognized, source. Thus, we
followed the advice of mathematicians handed down from time
immortal: "Wing It."
CLEARLY: I don't want to write down all the "in-
between" steps.
TRIVIAL: If I have to show you how to do this, you're
in the wrong class.
OBVIOUSLY: I hope you weren't sleeping when we discussed
this earlier, because I refuse to repeat it.
RECALL: I shouldn't have to tell you this, but for
those of you who erase your memory tapes
after every test...
WLOG (Without Loss Of Generality): I'm not about to do all the
possible cases, so I'll do one and let you
figure out the rest.
IT CAN EASILY BE SHOWN: Even you, in your finite wisdom, should
be able to prove this without me holding your
hand.
CHECK or CHECK FOR YOURSELF: This is the boring part of the
proof, so you can do it on your own time.
SKETCH OF A PROOF: I couldn't verify all the details, so I'll
break it down into the parts I couldn't
prove.
HINT: The hardest of several possible ways to do a
proof.
BRUTE FORCE (AND IGNORANCE): Four special cases, three counting
arguments, two long inductions, "and a
partridge in a pair tree."
SOFT PROOF: One third less filling (of the page) than
your regular proof, but it requires two extra
years of course work just to understand the
terms.
ELEGANT PROOF: Requires no previous knowledge of the subject
matter and is less than ten lines long.
SIMILARLY: At least one line of the proof of this case is
the same as before.
CANONICAL FORM: 4 out of 5 mathematicians surveyed
recommended this as the final form for their
students who choose to finish.
TFAE (The Following Are Equivalent): If I say this it means that,
and if I say that it means the other thing,
and if I say the other thing...
BY A PREVIOUS THEOREM: I don't remember how it goes (come to
think of it I'm not really sure we did this
at all), but if I stated it right (or at
all), then the rest of this follows.
TWO LINE PROOF: I'll leave out everything but the conclusion,
you can't question 'em if you can't see 'em.
BRIEFLY: I'm running out of time, so I'll just write
and talk faster.
LET'S TALK THROUGH IT: I don't want to write it on the board lest
I make a mistake.
PROCEED FORMALLY: Manipulate symbols by the rules without any
hint of their true meaning (popular in pure
math courses).
QUANTIFY: I can't find anything wrong with your proof
except that it won't work if x is a moon of
Jupiter (Popular in applied math courses).
PROOF OMITTED: Trust me, It's true.
M__________________________________________________________________________
From: mstueben@pen.k12.va.us (Michael A. Stueben)
WHAT'S OUT AND WHAT'S IN
FOR
MATHEMATICAL TERMS
by
Michael Stueben (November 7, 1994)
---------------------------------------------------------
Today it is considered an egregious faux pas to speak
or write in the crude antedated terms of our grandfathers.
To assist the isolated student and the less sophisticated
teacher, I have prepared the following list of currently
fashionable mathematical terms in academia. I pass this
list on to the general public as a matter of charity and
in the hope that it will lead to more refined elucidation
from young scholars.
OUT IN
thinking: hypothesizing.
proof by contradiction or indirect proof: reductio ad absurdum.
mistake: non sequitur.
starting place: handle.
with corresponding changes: mutatis mutandis.
counterexample: pathological exception.
consequently: ipso facto.
swallowing results: digesting proofs.
therefore: ergo.
has an easy-to-understand, but hard-to-find solution: obvious.
has two easy-to-understand, but hard-to-find solutions: trivial.
truth: tautology.
empty: vacuous.
drill problems: plug-and-chug work.
criteria: rubric.
example: substantive instantiation.
similar structure: homomorphic.
very similar structure: isomorphic.
same area: isometric.
arithmetic: number theory.
count: enumerate.
one: unity.
generally/specifically: globally/locally.
constant: invariant.
bonus result: corollary.
distance: metric measure.
several: a plurality.
function/argument: operator/operand.
separation/joining: bifurcation/confluence.
fourth power or quartic: biquadratic.
random: stochastic.
unique condition: a singularity.
uniqueness: unicity.
tends to zero: vanishes.
tip-top point: apex.
half-closed: half-open.
concave: non-convex.
rectangular prisms: parallelepipeds.
perpendicular (adj.): orthogonal.
perpendicular (n.): normal.
Euclid: Descartes.
Fermat: Wiles.
path: trajectory.
shift: rectilinear translation.
similar: homologous.
very similar: congruent.
whopper-jawed: skew or oblique.
change direction: perturb.
join: concatenate.
approximate to two or more places: accurate.
high school geometry or plane geometry: geometry of the Euclidean plane
under the Pythagorean metric.
clever scheme: algorithm.
initialize to zero: zeroize.
* : splat.
{ : squiggle.
decimal: denary.
alphabetical order: lexical order.
a divide-and-conquer method: an algorithm of logarithmic order.
student ID numbers: witty passwords.
that bitch secretary in the math dept: the witch of Agnesi
numerology and number sophistry: descriptive statistics
Special thanks to Peter Braxton who got me started
writing this stuff and who contributed five of
the items above.
M__________________________________________________________________________
From: goddard@NeXTwork.Rose-Hulman.Edu (Bart E. Goddard)
& rja093@nwu.edu (Rajan Jain)
mathematician's PICK UP LINE
Hey baby, How would you like to join me in some math? We'll add you and me,
subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and multiply!
Of course, we'll be entirely discrete.
M__________________________________________________________________________
From: hammond@cs.utk.edu (James Michael Hammond)
When Mathematicians Go Bad
"Psst, c'mere," said the shifty-eyed man wearing a long black
trenchcoat, as he beckoned me off the rainy street into a damp dark
alley. I followed.
"What are you selling?" I asked.
"Geometrical algebra drugs."
"Huh!?"
"Geometry drugs. Ya got your uppers, your downers, your sidewaysers, your
inside-outers..."
"Stop right there," I interrupted. "I've never heard of inside-
outers."
"Oh, man, you'll love 'em. Makes you feel like M.C. ever-lovin'
Escher on a particularly weird day."
"Go on..."
"OK, your inside-outers, your arbitrary bilinear mappers, and here,
heh, here are the best ones," he said, pulling out a large clear
bottle of orange pills.
"What are those, then?" I asked.
"Givens transformers. They'll rotate you about more planes than you
even knew existed."
"Sounds gross. What about those bilinear mappers?"
"There's a whole variety of them. Here's one you'll love -- they call
it 'One Over Z' on the street. Take one of these little bad boys and
you'll be on speaking terms with the Point at Infinity."
M__________________________________________________________________________
From: v090nlb4@ubvms.cc.buffalo.edu (Mark J. VanDerwater)
halloween math
Q: Wadaya get when you take the circumference of your jack-o-lantern and
divide it by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi
M__________________________________________________________________________
UR 2 Good
2 Me
2 Be
4 Got
==
10 "You are too good to me to be forgotten"
M__________________________________________________________________________
A lazy dog is a slow pup.
A slope up is an inclined plane.
An ink-lined plane is a sheet of writing-paper.
Therefore lazy dog is a sheet of writing-paper.
M__________________________________________________________________________
Complete the next two terms of this sequence:
O T T F F S S E .. ..
(A. N T - Nine Ten)
Likewise here:
3 3 5 4 4 3 5 5
(A. 4 3 -number of letters in the words "nine" and "ten").
M__________________________________________________________________________
The four branches of arithmetic - ambition, distraction, uglification and
derision. (Lewis Caroll: "Alice in Wonderland")
ME_________________________________________________________________________
The first law of Engineering Mathematics: All infinite series converge,
and moreover converge to the first term.
M__________________________________________________________________________
Numb, adj., devoid of sensation...
Number, comparative of numb.
[Webster's Third New international Dictionary]
M__________________________________________________________________________
Patageometry, n.:
The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant
under brain transplants.
M__________________________________________________________________________
kcarver@fox.nstn.ns.ca (Kevin Carver) writes:
I know most of you people who are "into" math have heard the pun (over and
over and over ...) about knowing the difference between your "asymptote and
a hole in the graph" but here's one you may not have heard. IT'S A TRUE
STORY!
A student at our high school a few years back, having had his fill with
drawing graph after graph in senior high math class, told his teacher:
Mrs. ___, I'll do algebra, I'll do trig, and I'll even do statistics, but
graphing is where I draw the line!
M__________________________________________________________________________
This one can better be told in a pub. First three points on the table:
a
b
c
On a lies a beermat and on c stands a glass. The mathematican has
to move the c to a. He takes the glas and puts it on the beermat.
Now the glas is put on point b and the mathematican has to move it
to a. The mathematican takes the glas and puts it on c - the problem
has been reduced to one already solved.
M__________________________________________________________________________
A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive
government by hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them
to a western country. They drove to the airport, forced their way on
board a large passenger jet, and found there was no pilot on board.
Terrified, they listened as the sirens got louder. Finally, one of
the scientists suggested that since he was an experimentalist, he
would try to fly the aircraft.
He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens
got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be
pilot's friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!!
Hurry!!!!!!"
The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple
pole in a complex plane."
M__________________________________________________________________________
A group of Polish tourists is flying on a small airplane through the
Grand Canyon on a sightseeing tour. The tour guide announces: "On the
right of the airplane, you can see the famous Bright Angle Falls."
The tourists leap out of their seats and crowd to the windows on the
right side. This causes a dynamic imbalance, and the plane violently
rolls to the side and crashes into the canyon wall. All aboard are
lost. The moral to this episode is: always keep your poles off the
right side of the plane.
Caveat: While this joke mentions Polish people, it is not, in my
opinion, in the category of the infamous Polish jokes. I hope no one
is offended but only humored.
M__________________________________________________________________________
Three standard Peter Lax jokes (heard in his lectures) :
1. What's the contour integral around Western Europe?
Answer: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!
Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but
they are removable!
2. An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his very religious
colleague:
Do you believe in one God?
Answer: Yes, up to isomorphism!
3. What is a compact city?
It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted
policemen!
M__________________________________________________________________________
"Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about."
M__________________________________________________________________________
Q: What quantity is represented by this ?
/\ /\ /\
/ \ / \ / \
/ \ / \ / \
/ \ / \ / \
/ \ / \ / \
/______\ /______\ /______\
|| || ||
|| || ||
A: 9, tree + tree + tree
Q: A dust storm blows through, now how much do you have ?
A: 99, dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree
Q: Some birds go flying by and leave their droppings,
one per tree, how many is that ?
A: 100, dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and a turd
+ dirty tree and a turd
M__________________________________________________________________________
Asked how his pet parrot died, the mathematician answered
"Polynomial. Polygon."
M__________________________________________________________________________
Lumberjacks make good musicians because of their natural logarithms.
M__________________________________________________________________________
From: Dr. David Batchelor batchelor@nssdca.gsfc.nasa.gov:
Theorem: Consider the set of all sets that have never been considered.
Hey! They're all gone!! Oh, well, never mind...
M__________________________________________________________________________
Pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are square.
M__________________________________________________________________________
This was made by Mike Bender and Sarah Herr:
MATHEMATICS PURITY TEST
Count the number of yes's, subtract from 60, and divide by 0.6.
The Basics
1) Have you ever been excited about math?
2) Had an exciting dream about math?
3) Made a mathematical calculation?
4) Manipulated the numerator of an equation?
5) Manipulated the denominator of an equation?
6) On your first problem set?
7) Worked on a problem set past 3:00 a.m.?
8) Worked on a problem set all night?
9) Had a hard problem?
10) Worked on a problem continuously for more than 30 minutes?
11) Worked on a problem continuously for more than four hours?
12) Done more than one problem set on the same night (i.e. both
started and finished them)?
13) Done more than three problem sets on the same night?
14) Taken a math course for a full year?
15) Taken two different math courses at the same time?
16) Done at least one problem set a week for more than four months?
17) Done at least one problem set a night for more than one month
(weekends excluded)?
18) Done a problem set alone?
19) Done a problem set in a group of three or more?
20) Done a problem set in a group of 15 or more?
21) Was it mixed company?
22) Have you ever inadvertently walked in upon people doing a problem set?
23) And joined in afterwards?
24) Have you ever used food doing a problem set?
25) Did you eat it all?
26) Have you ever had a domesticated pet or animal walk over you while you
were doing a problem set?
27) Done a problem set in a public place where you might be discovered?
28) Been discovered while doing a problem set?
Kinky Stuff
29) Have you ever applied your math to a hard science?
30) Applied your math to a soft science?
31) Done an integration by parts?
32) Done two integration by parts in a single problem?
33) Bounded the domain and range of your function?
34) Used the domination test for improper integrals?
35) Done Newton's Method?
36) Done the Method of Frobenius?
37) Used the Sandwich Theorem?
38) Used the Mean Value Theorem?
39) Used a Gaussian surface?
40) Used a foreign object on a math problem (eg: calculator)?
41) Used a program to improve your mathematical technique (eg: MACSYMA)?
42) Not used brackets when you should have?
43) Integrated a function over its full period?
44) Done a calculation in three-dimensional space?
45) Done a calculation in n-dimensional space?
46) Done a change of bases?
47) Done a change of bases specifically in order to magnify your vector?
48) Worked through four complete bases in a single night (eg: using the
Graham-Schmidt method)?
49) Inserted a number into an equation?
50) Calculated the residue of a pole?
51) Scored perfectly on a math test?
52) Swallowed everything your professor gave you?
53) Used explicit notation in your problem set?
54) Purposefully omitted important steps in your problem set?
55) Padded your own problem set?
56) Been blown away on a test?
57) Blown away your professor on a test?
58) Have you ever multiplied 23 by 3?
59) Have you ever bounded your Bessel function so that the membrane
did not shoot to infinity?
69) Have you ever understood the following quote:
"The relationship between Z^0 to C_0, B_0, and H_0
is an example of a general principle which we have
encountered: the kernel of the adjoint of a linear
transformation is both the annihilator space of the
image of the transformation and also the dual space
of the quotient of the space of which the image is
a subspace by the image subspace."
(Shlomo & Bamberg's _A "Course" in Mathematics for
Students of Physics_)
M__________________________________________________________________________
From: RVFT60@email.sps.mot.com (Mike Scott)
A Cherokee indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant.
The first squaw gave birth to a boy, and the chief was so elated he
built her a teepee made of buffalo hide. A few days later, the second
squaw gave birth, and also had a boy. The chief was extremely happy;
he built her a teepee made of antelope hide.
The third squaw gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the
birth details a secret. He built the woman a teepee out of
hippopotamus hide, and challenged the people in the tribe to guess the
most recent birth details, the correct guesser receiving a fine prize.
Several of his people tried, but were unsuccessful in their guesses.
Finally, a young brave came forth and declared that the third wife had
delivered twin boys. "Correct"!, cried the chief. "How did you know"?
"It's simple", replied the warrior. "The value of the squaw of the
hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."
M__________________________________________________________________________
A tribe of Native Americans generally referred to their woman by the
animal hide with which they made their blanket. Thus, one woman might
be known as Squaw of Buffalo Hide, while another might be known as
Squaw of Deer Hide. This tribe had a particularly large and strong
woman, with a very unique (for North America anyway) animal hide for
her blanket. This woman was known as Squaw of Hippopotamus hide, and
she was as large and powerful as the animal from which her blanket was
made.
Year after year, this woman entered the tribal wrestling tournament,
and easily defeated all challengers; male or female. As the men of
the tribe admired her strength and power, this made many of the other
woman of the tribe extremely jealous. One year, two of the squaws
petitioned the Chief to allow them to enter their sons together as a
wrestling tandem in order to wrestle Squaw of the Hippopotamus hide as
a team. In this way, they hoped to see that she would no longer be
champion wrestler of the tribe.
As the luck of the draw would have it, the two sons who were wrestling
as a tandem met the squaw in the final and championship round of the
wrestling contest. As the match began, it became clear that the squaw
had finally met an opponent that was her equal. The two sons wrestled
and struggled vigorously and were clearly on an equal footing with the
powerful squaw. Their match lasted for hours without a clear victor.
Finally the chief intervened and declared that, in the interests of
the health and safety of the wrestlers, the match was to be terminated
and that he would declare a winner.
The chief retired to his teepee and contemplated the great struggle he
had witnessed, and found it extremely difficult to decide a winner.
While the two young men had clearly outmatched the squaw, he found it
difficult to force the squaw to relinquish her tribal championship.
After all, it had taken two young men to finally provide her with a
decent match. Finally, after much deliberation, the chief came out
from his teepee, and announced his decision. He said...
"The Squaw of the Hippopotamus hide is equal to the sons of the squaws
of the other two hides"
M__________________________________________________________________________
A guy decided to go to the brain transplant clinic to refreshen his
supply of brains. The secretary informed him that they had three
kinds of brains available at that time. Doctors' brains were going
for $20 per ounce and lawyers' brains were getting $30 per ounce. And
then there were mathematicians' brains which were currently fetching
$1000 per ounce.
"A 1000 dollars an ounce!" he cried. "Why are they so expensive?"
"It takes more mathematicians to get an ounce of brains," she explained.
M__________________________________________________________________________
A topologist walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender,
being a number theorist, says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve
topologists here."
The disgruntled topologist walks outside, but then gets an idea and
performs Dahn surgery upon herself. She walks into the bar, and the
bartender, who does not recognize her since she is now a different
manifold, serves her a drink. However, the bartender thinks she looks
familiar, or at least locally similar, and asks, "Aren't you that
topologist that just came in here?"
To which she responds, "No, I'm a frayed knot."
M__________________________________________________________________________
There are three kinds of people in the world;
those who can count and those who can't.
And the related:
There are two groups of people in the world;
those who believe that the world can be
divided into two groups of people,
and those who don't.
M__________________________________________________________________________
The world is divided into two classes:
people who say "The world is divided into two classes",
and people who say
The world is divided into two classes:
people who say: "The world is divided into two classes",
and people who say:
The world is divided into two classes:
people who say ...
M__________________________________________________________________________
What follows is a "quiz" a student of mine once showed me (which she'd
gotten from a previous teacher, etc...). It's multiple choice, and if
you sort the letters (with upper and lower case disjoint) questions
and answers will come out next to each other. Enjoy...
S. What the acorn said when he grew up
N. bisects
u. A dead parrot
g. center
F. What you should do when it rains
R. hypotenuse
m. A geometer who has been to the beach
H. coincide
h. The set of cards is missing
y. polygon
A. The boy has a speech defect
t. secant
K. How they schedule gym class
p. tangent
b. What he did when his mother-in-law wanted to go home
D. ellipse
O. The tall kettle boiling on the stove
W. geometry
r. Why the girl doesn't run a 4-minute mile
j. decagon
M__________________________________________________________________________
___ 1. That which Noah built.
___ 2. An article for serving ice cream.
___ 3. What a bloodhound does in chasing a woman.
___ 4. An expression to represent the loss of a parrot.
___ 5. An appropriate title for a knight named Koal.
___ 6. A sunburned man.
___ 7. A tall coffee pot perking.
___ 8. What one does when it rains.
___ 9. A dog sitting in a refrigerator.
___ 10. What a boy does on the lake when his motor won't run.
___ 11. What you call a person who writes for an inn.
___ 12. What the captain said when the boat was bombed.
___ 13. What a little acorn says when he grows up.
___ 14. What one does to trees that are in the way.
___ 15. What you do if you have yarn and needles.
___ 16. Can George Washington turn into a country?
A. hypotenuse I. circle
B. polygon J. axiom
C. inscribe K. cone
D. geometry L. coincide
E. unit M. cosecant
F. center N. tangent
G. decagone O. hero
H. arc P. perpendicular
M__________________________________________________________________________
A team of engineers were required to measure the height of a flag
pole. They only had a measuring tape, and were getting quite
frustrated trying to keep the tape along the pole. It kept falling
down, etc.
A mathematician comes along, finds out their problem, and proceeds to
remove the pole from the ground and measure it easily.
When he leaves, one engineer says to the other: "Just like a
mathematician! We need to know the height, and he gives us the
length!"
M__________________________________________________________________________
There was once a very smart horse. Anything that was shown it, it
mastered easily, until one day, its teachers tried to teach it about
rectangular coordinates and it couldn't understand them. All the
horse's acquaintances and friends tried to figure out what was the
matter and couldn't. Then a new guy (what the heck, a computer
engineer) looked at the problem and said,
"Of course he can't do it. Why, you're putting Descartes before the
horse!"
M__________________________________________________________________________
"The integral of e to the x is equal to f of the quantity
u to the n."
/ x n
| e = f(u )
/
M__________________________________________________________________________
TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR NOT DOING THE MATH HOMEWORK
1. I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames.
2. Isaac Newton's birthday.
3. I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook. I couldn't
actually reach it.
4. I have the proof, but there isn't room to write it in this margin.
5. I was watching the World Series and got tied up trying to prove
that it converged.
6. I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy.
7. I locked the paper in my trunk but a four-dimensional dog got in
and ate it.
8. I couldn't figure out whether i am the square of negative one or
i is the square root of negative one.
9. I took time out to snack on a doughnut and a cup of coffee.
I spent the rest of the night trying to figure which one to dunk.
10. I could have sworn I put the homework inside a Klein bottle, but
this morning I couldn't find it.
M__________________________________________________________________________
The guy gets on a bus and starts threatening everybody: "I'll
integrate you! I'll differentiate you!!!" So everybody gets scared and
runs away. Only one person stays. The guy comes up to him and
says: "Aren't you scared, I'll integrate you, I'll differentiate
you!!!" And the other guy says; "No, I am not scared, I am e^x."
M__________________________________________________________________________
A mathematician went insane and believed that he was the
differentiation operator. His friends had him placed in a mental
hospital until he got better. All day he would go around frightening
the other patients by staring at them and saying "I differentiate
you!"
One day he met a new patient; and true to form he stared at him and
said "I differentiate you!", but for once, his victim's expression
didn't change. Surprised, the mathematician marshalled his energies,
stared fiercely at the new patient and said loudly "I differentiate
you!", but still the other man had no reaction. Finally, in
frustration, the mathematician screamed out "I DIFFERENTIATE YOU!" --
at which point the new patient calmly looked up and said, "You can
differentiate me all you like: I'm e to the x."
M__________________________________________________________________________
A function and a differentiation operator meet somewhere in
Hilbert space.
The differentation operator: Make place or I differentiate you.
Function: Forget it buster, I am e^x.
The differentation operator: Well, I am d/dy.
*M_________________________________________________________________________
From: Jasper Stein [stein@fys.ruu.nl]
A constant function and e^x are walking on Broadway. Then suddenly the
constant function sees a differential operator approaching and runs away.
so e to-the x follows him and asks why the hurry.
"Well, you see, there's this diff.operator coming this way, and when we
meet, he'll differentiate me and nothing will be left of me...!"
"Ah," says e^x, "he won't bother ME, I'm e to-the x!" and he walks on.
Of course he meets the differential operator after a short distance.
e^x : "Hi, I'm e^x"
diff.op. : "Hi, I'm d/dy"
M__________________________________________________________________________
Boy's Life, May 1973:
Ralph: Dad, will you do my math for me tonight?
Dad: No, son, it wouldn't be right.
Ralph: Well, you could try.
M__________________________________________________________________________
Mrs. Johnson the elementary school math teacher was having children do
problems on the blackboard that day.
``Who would like to do the first problem, addition?''
No one raised their hand. She called on Tommy, and with some help he
finally got it right.
``Who would like to do the second problem, subtraction?''
Students hid their faces. She called on Mark, who got the problem but
there was some suspicion his girlfriend Lisa whispered it to him.
``Who would like to do the third problem, division?''
Now a low collective groan could be heard as everyone looked at
nothing in particular. The teacher called on Suzy, who got it right
(she has been known to hold back sometimes in front of her friends).
``Who would like to do the last problem, multiplication?''
Tim's hand shot up, surprising everyone in the room. Mrs. Johnson
finally gained her composure in the stunned silence. ``Why the
enthusiasm, Tim?''
``God said to go fourth and multiply!''
M__________________________________________________________________________
In the bayous of Louisiana, there is a small river called the Dirac.
Many wealthy people have their mansions near its mouth. One of the
social leaders decided to have a grand ball. Being a cousin of the
Governor, she arranged for a detachment of the state militia to serve
as guards and traffic directors for the big doings. A captain was
sent over with a small company; naturally he asked if there was enough
room for him and his unit. The social leader replied, "But of course,
Captain! It is well known that the Dirac delta function has unit
area."
M__________________________________________________________________________
When I was a Math/Chem grad student at Princeton in 1973-74, there was
a story going around about a grad student. This guy was always late.
One day he stumbled into class late, saw seven problems written on the
board, and wrote them down. As the week went on he began to panic:
the math department at Princeton is fiercely competitive, and here he
was unable to do most of a simple homework assignment! When the next
class rolled around he only had solved two of the problems, although
he had a pretty good idea of how to solve a third but not enough time
to complete it.
When he dejectedly flung his partial assignment on the prof's desk,
the prof asked him "What's that?" "The homework." "What homework?"
Eventually it came out that what the prof had written on the board
were the seven most important unsolved problems in the field.
This is largely an academic legend, at least according to Jan Harold
Brunvand, the author of a series of books on so-called Urban Legends.
He talks about it in his latest book _Curses! Broiled Again!_ in the
chapter entitled "The Unsolvable Math Problem." It is, however, based
in some fact. The Stanford mathematician, George B. Danzig,
apparently managed to solve two statistics problems previously
unsolved under similar circumstances.
M__________________________________________________________________________
Russell to Whitehead: "My Godel is killing me!"
M__________________________________________________________________________
"The reason that every major university maintains a department of
mathematics is that it is cheaper to do this than to institutionalize
all those people."
M__________________________________________________________________________
One attractive young businesswoman to another, over lunch:
``My life is all math. I am trying to add to my
income, subtract from my weight, divide my time,
and avoid multiplying.''
M__________________________________________________________________________
We use epsilons and deltas in mathematics because mathematicians
tend to make errors.
M__________________________________________________________________________
A mathematician decides he wants to learn more about practical
problems. He sees a seminar with a nice title: "The Theory
of Gears." So he goes. The speaker stands up and begins,
"The theory of gears with a real number of teeth is well known ..."
M__________________________________________________________________________
What keeps a square from moving ? why, square roots of course.
How many square roots does it have ? why, 2 obviously.
M__________________________________________________________________________
How can you tell that Harvard was layed out by a mathematician?
The div school [divinity school] is right next to the grad school...
M__________________________________________________________________________
First of all let me make it clear that I have nothing against
contravariant functors. Some of my best friends are cohomology
theories! But now you aren't supposed to call them contravariant
anymore. It's Algebraically Correct to call them 'differently
arrowed'!!
In the same way that transcendental numbers are polynomially
challenged?
Manifolds are personifolds (humanifolds).
Neighborhoods are neighbor victims of society.
It's the Asian Remainder Theorem.
It isn't PC to use "singularity" - the function is "convergently
challenged" there.
M__________________________________________________________________________
Godel can't prove he was here.
Descartes though he was here.
M__________________________________________________________________________
Mathematical Sex
Wherein it is related how that Polygon of Womanly Virtue, your Polly Nomial
(our heroine) is accosted by that Notorious Villain Curly Pi, and factored (oh,
horror).
Once upon a time ( 1/T ), Pretty Polly Nomial was strolling across a field of
vectors when she came to the boundary of a singularly large matrix. Now Polly
was convergent and her mother had made it an absolute condition that she never
enter such an array without her brackets on. Polly, however, who had changed her
variables that morning and was feeling particularly badly behaved, ignored this
condition on the basis that it was insufficient, and made her way amongst the
complex elements. Rows and columns closed in from all sides. Tangents approached
her surface. She became tensor and tensor. Quite suddenly, two branches of a
hyperbola touched her at a single point. She oscillated violently, lost all
sense of directrix, and went completely divergent. As she reached a turning
point, she tripped over a square root that was protruding from the erf and
plunged headlong down a steep gradient. When she rounded off once more, she
found herself inverted, apparently alone, in a non-Euclidian space.
She was being watched, however. That smooth operator, Curly Pi, was lurking
innerproduct. As his eyes devoured her curvilinear coordinates, a singular
expression crossed his face. He wondered, was she still convergent? He decided
to integrate improperly at once.
Hearing a common fraction behind her, Polly rotated and saw Curly Pi
approaching with his power series extrapolated. She could see at once by his
degenerate conic and dissipative terms that he was bent on no good.
"Arcsinh," she gasped.
"Ho, ho," he said. "What a symmetric little asymptote you have. I can see
your angles have a lot of secs."
"Oh, sir," she protested, "keep away from me. I haven't got my brackets on."
"Calm yourself, My Dear," said our Suave Operator. "Your fears are purely
imaginary."
"I, I," she thought, "perhaps he's not normal but homologous."
"What order are you?" the Brute demanded.
"Seventeen," replied Polly.
Curly leered. "I suppose you've never been operated on."
"Of course not," Polly replied quite properly. "I'm absolutely convergent."
"Come, come," said Curly, "Let's off to a decimal place I know and I'll take
you to the limit."
"Never," gasped Polly.
"Abscissa," he swore, using the vilest oath he knew. His patience was gone.
Coshing her over the coefficient with a log until she was powerless, Curly
removed her discontinuities. He stared at her significant places, and began
smoothing out her points of inflection. Poor Polly. The algorithmic method was
now her only hope. She felt his hand tending to her asymptotic limit. Her
convergence would soon be gone forever.
There was no mercy, for Curly was a heavyside operator. Curly's radius
squared itself; Polly's loci quivered. He integrated by parts. He integrated by
partial fractions. After he cofactored, he performed rungecutta on her. The
complex beast even went all the way around and did a contour integration. Curly
went on operating until he had satisfied her hypothesis, then he exponentiated
and became completely orthogonal.
When Polly got home that night, her mother noticed that she was no longer
piecewise continuous, but had been truncated in several places. But is was too
late to differentiate now. As the months went by, Polly's denominator increased
monotonically. Finally, she went to the L'Hopital and generated a small but
pathological function which left surds all over the place and drove Polly to
deviation.
The moral of our sad story is this:
'If you want to keep your expressions convergent, never allow them a single
degree of freedom...'
M__________________________________________________________________________
He thinks he's really smooth, but he's only C^1.
He's always going off on a tangent.
M__________________________________________________________________________
From: [U42157@uicvm.uic.edu] Jim Slepicka
After the earth dries out, Noah tells all the animals to 'go forth
and multiply'. However, two snakes, adders to be specific, complain to
Noah that this is one thing they have never been able to do, hard as
they have tried. Undaunted, Noah instructs the snakes to go into the
woods, make tables from the trunks of fallen trees and give it a try
on the tabletops.
The snakes respond that they don't understand how this will help them
to procreate whereupon Noah explains: "Well, even adders can multiply
using log tables!"
M__________________________________________________________________________
A man camped in a national park, and noticed Mr. Snake and Mrs. Snake
slithering by. "Where are all the little snakes?" he asked. Mr.
Snake replied, "We are adders, so we cannot multiply."
The following year, the man returned to the same camping spot. This
time there were a whole batch of little snakes. "I thought you said
you could not multiply," he said to Mr. Snake. "Well, the park ranger
came by and built a log table, so now we can multiply by adding!"
FORMULA'S:
M__________________________________________________________________________
/
| 1
| ----- = log cabin
| cabin
/
M__________________________________________________________________________
/
| 1
| ----- = log cabin + C = houseboat
| cabin
/
M__________________________________________________________________________
8 5
If lim - = oo (infinity), then what does lim - = ?
x-]0 x x-]0 x
answer: (write 5 on it's side)
M__________________________________________________________________________
I saw the following scrawled on a math office blackboard in college:
1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1
M__________________________________________________________________________
lim ----
8-->9 \/ 8 = 3
M__________________________________________________________________________
"The integral of e to the x is equal to f of the quantity
u to the n."
/ x n
| e = f(u )
/
M__________________________________________________________________________
Fuller's Law of Cosmic Irreversability:
1 pot T --> 1 pot P
but
1 pot P -/-] 1 pot T
M__________________________________________________________________________
lim sin(x)
n --> oo ------ = 6
n
Proof: cancel the n in the numerator and denominator.
*M_________________________________________________________________________
From: matsb@elixir.e.kth.se (Mats Bengtsson)
lim 3 = 8
omega-]infinity
(Or for native LaTex speakers: $$\lim_{\omega \to \infty} 3 = 8$$)
*M_________________________________________________________________________
From: Cal Herrmann "Epsilon less than zero"[-- END
M__________________________________________________________________________
The law of the excluded middle either rules or does not rule, O.K.?
M__________________________________________________________________________
Is the square root of ab absurd?
M__________________________________________________________________________
Algebra is x-sighting.
Vectors can be 'arrowing.
I'm partial to fractions.
I like angles ... to a degree.
I could go on and on about sequences.
Translations are shifty.
Complex numbers are unreal.
I feel positive about integers.
On average, people are mean.
M__________________________________________________________________________
From: c1prasad@watson.ibm.com (prasad)
Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within.
M__________________________________________________________________________
From: jusinkko@mail.freenet.hut.fi (jukka sinkko)
In the topologic hell the beer is packed in Klein's bottles.
M__________________________________________________________________________
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Pierre de Fermat: I just don't have room here to give the full explanation.
M__________________________________________________________________________
From:mstueben@pen.k12.va.us (Michael A. Stueben)
Puns on Theorems
The Royal Chain Mail Factory had received a large order for battle
uniforms. Each uniform consisted of a toga and a pair of short pants. Their
only problem was how long to make the pants: too short and a soldier could
be exposed; too long and a uniform would be excessively heavy. So they
called in a mathematician. He had a uniform made and tested. The hem on the
pants proved to be too short, so he increased it a little bit, then a little
more, and then a little bit more, and so on until finally he was able to
derive an exact trousers-length depending on the leg-length of the soldier.
The chief tailor was curious. "How did you determine this ratio?" he asked?
"Easy," said the mathematician. "I just used the Wire-trousers Hem Test of
Uniform Convergence."
This is a pun on the "Weierstrauss M-test of uniform convergence," where M[k]
is a convergent series of positive real numbers. (It was sent to me by
Andrius Tamulis.) I wonder why M and not, say, N (numeric) or S (sum).
M stands for . . .?
From: bdillon@admin.aurora.edu (Bob Dillon)
The following is from the January 23, 1995 issue of Chemical and
Engineering News.
Story Problems Portray Gains in Teaching Math
M__________________________________________________________________________
A commentary on the teaching of mathematics, sent in by James
Jackson of Carlisle, Ind., appeared in "Echoes" (winter 1994),
published by Rose-Hulman Institute of Technology, Terre Haute, Ind.
"Echoes" took it from the 1993-94 issue of "21st Century" (not
otherwide identified). The commentary takes the form of a series
of story problems:
In 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost
of production is four-fifths of this price. What is his profit?
In 1970: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost
of production is four-fifths of this price, or $80. What is his
profit?
In 1970 (new math): A logger exchanges a set L of lumber for a set
M of money. The cardinalitiy of set M is 100, and each element is
worth $1.00. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set M.
The set C of the costs of production contains 20 fewer points than
set M. Represent the set C as a subset of M, and answer the
following question: What is the cardinality of the set P of points?
In 1980: A logger sells a truckload of wood for $100. His cost of
production is $80, and his profit is $20. Your assignment:
underline the number 20.
In 1990 (outcome-based education): By cutting down beautiful forest
trees, a logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making
a living? (Topic for class participation: How did the forest birds
and squirrels feel?)
M__________________________________________________________________________
From: joeshmoe@world.std.com (Jascha Franklin-Hodge) (List of Taglines)
Math is the language God used to write the universe.
M__________________________________________________________________________
If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
M__________________________________________________________________________
From: mstueben@pen.k12.va.us (Michael A. Stueben)
THIRTEEN MISUNDERSTANDINGS
IN THE
HISTORY OF MATHEMATICS
In the interest of historical accuracy let it be known that
...
1) Fibonacci's daughter was not named "Bunny."
2) Michael Rolle was not Danish, and did not call his
daughter "Tootsie."
3) William Horner was not called "Little-Jack" by his
friends.
4) The "G" in G. Peano does not stand for "grand."
5) Rene Descartes' middle name is not "push."
6) Isaac Barrow's middle name is not "wheel."
7) There is no such place as the University of Wis-cosine,
and if there was, the motto of their mathematics
department would not be "Secant ye shall find."
8) Although Euler is pronounced oil-er, it does not follow
that Euclid is pronounced oi-clid.
9) Franklin D. Roosevelt never said "The only thing we have
to sphere is sphere itself."
10) Fibonacci is not a shortened form of the Italian name that
is actually spelled: F i bb ooo nnnnn aaaaaaaa
ccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccc
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.
11) It is true that August Mobius was a difficult and
opinionated man. But he was not so rigid that he could
only see one side to every question.
12) It is true that Johannes Kepler had an uphill struggle
in explaining his theory of elliptical orbits to the
other astronomers of his time. And it is also true that
his first attempt was a failure. But it is not true that
after his lecture the first three questions he was asked
were "What is elliptical?" What is an orbit?" and "What
is a planet?
13) It is true that primitive societies use only rough
approximations for the known constants of mathematics.
For example, the northern tribes of Alaska consider the
ratio of the circumference to the diameter of a circle to
be 3. But it is not true that the value of 3 is called
Eskimo pi. Incidentally, the survival of these tribes is
dependent upon government assistance, which is not always
forthcoming. For example, the Canadian firm of Tait and
Sons sold a stock of defective compasses to the government
at half-price, and the government passed them onto the
northern natives. Hence the saying among these peoples:
"He who has a Tait's is lost."
M__________________________________________________________________________
The History of 2 + 2 = 5
by Houston Euler
"First and above all he was a logician. At
least thirty-five years of the half-century
or so of his existence had been devoted
exclusively to proving that two and two always
equal four, except in unusual cases, where
they equal three or five, as the case may be."
-- Jacques Futrelle, "The Problem of Cell 13"
Most mathematicians are familiar with -- or have at least seen references in
the literature to -- the equation 2 + 2 = 4. However, the less well known
equation 2 + 2 = 5 also has a rich, complex history behind it. Like any other
complex quantitiy, this history has a real part and an imaginary part; we shall
deal exclusively with the latter here.
Many cultures, in their early mathematical development, discovered the equation
2 + 2 = 5. For example, consider the Bolb tribe, descended from the Incas of
South America. The Bolbs counted by tying knots in ropes. They quickly
realized that when a 2-knot rope is put together with another 2-knot rope, a
5-knot rope results.
Recent findings indicate that the Pythagorean Brotherhood discovered a proof
that 2 + 2 = 5, but the proof never got written up. Contrary to what one might
expect, the proof's nonappearance was not caused by a cover-up such as the
Pythagoreans attempted with the irrationality of the square root of two.
Rather, they simply could not pay for the necessary scribe service. They had
lost their grant money due to the protests of an oxen-rights activist who
objected to the Brotherhood's method of celebrating the discovery of theorems.
Thus it was that only the equation 2 + 2 = 4 was used in Euclid's "Elements,"
and nothing more was heard of 2 + 2 = 5 for several centuries.
Around A.D. 1200 Leonardo of Pisa (Fibonacci) discovered that a few weeks after
putting 2 male rabbits plus 2 female rabbits in the same cage, he ended up with
considerably more than 4 rabbits. Fearing that too strong a challenge to the
value 4 given in Euclid would meet with opposition, Leonardo conservatively
stated, "2 + 2 is more like 5 than 4." Even this cautious rendition of his
data was roundly condemned and earned Leonardo the nickname "Blockhead." By
the way, his practice of underestimating the number of rabbits persisted; his
celebrated model of rabbit populations had each birth consisting of only two
babies, a gross underestimate if ever there was one.
Some 400 years later, the thread was picked up once more, this time by the
French mathematicians. Descartes announced, "I think 2 + 2 = 5; therefore it
does." However, others objected that his argument was somewhat less than
totally rigorous. Apparently, Fermat had a more rigorous proof which was to
appear as part of a book, but it and other material were cut by the editor so
that the book could be printed with wider margins.
Between the fact that no definitive proof of 2 + 2 = 5 was available and the
excitement of the development of calculus, by 1700 mathematicians had again
lost interest in the equation. In fact, the only known 18th-century reference
to 2 + 2 = 5 is due to the philosopher Bishop Berkeley who, upon discovering it
in an old manuscript, wryly commented, "Well, now I know where all the departed
quantities went to -- the right-hand side of this equation." That witticism so
impressed California intellectuals that they named a university town after him.
But in the early to middle 1800's, 2 + 2 began to take on great significance.
Riemann developed an arithmetic in which 2 + 2 = 5, paralleling the Euclidean
2 + 2 = 4 arithmetic. Moreover, during this period Gauss produced an
arithmetic in which 2 + 2 = 3. Naturally, there ensued decades of great
confusion as to the actual value of 2 + 2. Because of changing opinions on
this topic, Kempe's proof in 1880 of the 4-color theorem was deemed 11 years
later to yield, instead, the 5-color theorem. Dedekind entered the debate with
an article entitled "Was ist und was soll 2 + 2?"
Frege thought he had settled the question while preparing a condensed version
of his "Begriffsschrift." This condensation, entitled "Die Kleine
Begriffsschrift (The Short Schrift)," contained what he considered to be a
definitive proof of 2 + 2 = 5. But then Frege received a letter from Bertrand
Russell, reminding him that in "Grundbeefen der Mathematik" Frege had proved
that 2 + 2 = 4. This contradiction so discouraged Frege that he abandoned
mathematics altogether and went into university administration.
Faced with this profound and bewildering foundational question of the value of
2 + 2, mathematicians followed the reasonable course of action: they just
ignored the whole thing. And so everyone reverted to 2 + 2 = 4 with nothing
being done with its rival equation during the 20th century. There had been
rumors that Bourbaki was planning to devote a volume to 2 + 2 = 5 (the first
forty pages taken up by the symbolic expression for the number five), but those
rumor remained unconfirmed. Recently, though, there have been reported
computer-assisted proofs that 2 + 2 = 5, typically involving computers
belonging to utility companies. Perhaps the 21st century will see yet another
revival of this historic equation.
M__________________________________________________________________________
THE STORY OF BABEL:
In the beginning there was only one kind of Mathematician, created by
the Great Mathematical Spirit form the Book: the Topologist. And they
grew to large numbers and prospered.
One day they looked up in the heavens and desired to reach up as far
as the eye could see. So they set out in building a Mathematical
edifice that was to reach up as far as "up" went. Further and further
up they went ... until one night the edifice collapsed under the
weight of paradox.
The following morning saw only rubble where there once was a huge
structure reaching to the heavens. One by one, the Mathematicians
climbed out from under the rubble. It was a miracle that nobody was
killed; but when they began to speak to one another, SUPRISE of all
surprises! they could not understand each other. They all spoke
different languages. They all fought amongst themselves and each went
about their own way. To this day the Topologists remain the original
Mathematicians.
- adapted from an American Indian legend
of the Mound Of Babel
M__________________________________________________________________________
From: kfoster@rainbow.rmii.com (Kurt Foster)
First mathemetician: I know this is a group, but it's hard to study.
Second mathematician: Well, I can prove it's commutative.
First mathematician: Thanks abelian!
M__________________________________________________________________________
From: rrcraig@eos.ncsu.edu (Ralph Ray Craig)
Q: How many numerical analysts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 0.9973 after the first three iterations.
M__________________________________________________________________________
From: immortal@wam.umd.edu (Immortal = Justin Wyss-Gallifent)
Q: Why can't you grow wheat in Z/6Z ?
A: Because it's not a field.
M__________________________________________________________________________
From: kovarik@mcmail.cis.mcmaster.ca (Zdislav V. Kovarik)
A retired mathematician took up gardening, and is now growing carrots
with square roots.
M__________________________________________________________________________
From: kovarik@mcmail.cis.mcmaster.ca (Zdislav V. Kovarik)
(From a cartoon by J. Effel): In the Garden of Eden, God is giving Adam a
geometry lesson: "Two parallel lines intersect at infinity. It can't be
proved but I've been there."
M__________________________________________________________________________
From: wft@math.canterbury.ac.nz (Bill Taylor)
Some say the pope is the greatest cardinal.
But others insist this cannot be so, as every pope has a successor.
*M_________________________________________________________________________
From: you@somehost.somedomain (Your Name Here)
Mathematician's Bakery: House of Pi
*M_________________________________________________________________________
From mrm@ama.caltech.edu Fri Apr 28 07:37:02 1995
(visual joke)
Person A) "What is this?" as she rubs her hand over an invisible level
flat surface
Person B) "I dunno"
Person A) "It's the Fourier Transform of this" as she gives him The Finger
*M_________________________________________________________________________
"What's one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one and
one and one and one and one?"
"I don't know" said Alice. "I lost count."
"She can't do addition." said the Red Queen.
- Lewis Carrol, "Through the lookingglass"
*M_________________________________________________________________________
From:Bill Taylor (wft@math.canterbury.ac.nz)
And God said "Let there be numbers", and there were numbers.
Odd and even created he them, and he said unto them be fruitful and multiply;
and he commanded them to keep the laws of induction.
*M_________________________________________________________________________
From: brum@ix.netcom.com (Edward Brumgnach)
The Evolution of Teaching Math
Up to the 1960's
A peasant sells a bag of potatoes for $10.
His costs amount to 4/5 of his selling price.
What is his profit?
In the early 1970 s
A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $10.
His costs amount to 4/5 of his selling price, i.e., $8.
What is his profit?
1970's (new math)
A farmer exchanges a set P of potatoes with a set M of money.
The cardinality of the set M is equal to $10 and each element of M is
worth $1.
Draw 10 big dots representing the elements of M.
The set of production cost is comprised of 2 big dots less then the set
M.
Represent C as a subset of M and give the answer to the question:
What is the cardinality of the set of profits?
1980 s
A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $10.
His production costs are $8 and his profit is $2.
Underline, the word "potatoes" and discuss with our classmates.
1990's
A farmer sells a bag of potatoes for $10.00.
His production costs are 0.80 of his revenue.
On your calculator graph revenue versus costs.
Run the "POTATO" program on your computer to determine the profit.
Discuss the result with the other students in your group.
Write a brief essay that analyzes how this example relates to the real
world of economics.
*M_________________________________________________________________________
From: fc3a501@math.uni-hamburg.de (Hauke Reddmann)
Vectors...
Did you know that...
most vectors are pointing vectors, but the Poynting vector is NO
pointing vector (cross product E x B, so it has a screw sense)?
the Killing fields are not made out of Killing vectors?
Manfred Eigen didn't invent the eigenvector?
From: adh@cx.dnv.no (Arne Dehli Halvorsen)
Isn't it also a fact that Wilder knots are a particularly bad class of wild
knots?
And Moore chaos is more chaotic than oridinary chaos?
(iterated system that emulates a Turing machine...)
*M_________________________________________________________________________
From: Ralph Craig [rrcraig]
Q: Why didn't Newton discover group theory?
A: Because he wasn't Abel.
*M_________________________________________________________________________
From: fc3a501@math.uni-hamburg.de (Hauke Reddmann)
Does a politician* exists who does nothing at all?
Yes,because they form a Lie group.
* optionally replace with your favorite hate group
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=1.1 PROOFS
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PROOFS THAT P
(attributed to Hartry Field)
Davidson's proof that p: Let us make the following bold conjecture: p
Wallace's proof that p: Davidson has made the following bold conjecture: p
Grunbaum: As I have asserted again and again in previous publications, p.
Morgenbesser: If not p, what? q maybe?
Putnam: Some philosophers have argued that not-p, on the grounds that q.
It would be an interesting exercise to count all the fallacies in this
"argument". (It's really awful, isn't it?) Therefore p.
Rawls: It would be a nice to have a deductive argument that p from
self-evident premises. Unfortunately, I am unable to provide one. So
I will have to rest content with the following intuitive considerations
in its support: p.
Unger: Suppose it were the case that not-p. It would follow from
this that someone knows that q. But on my view, no one knows anything
whatsoever. Therefore p. (Unger beieves that the louder you say
this argument the more persuasive it becomes.)
Katz: I have seventeen arguments for the claim that p, and I know
of only four for the claim that not-p. Therefore p.
Lewis: Most people find the claim that not p completely obvious and
when I assert p they give me an incredulous stare. But the fact
that they find not-p obvious is no argument that it is true; and I
do not know how to refute an incredulous stare. Therefore p.
Fodor: My argument for p is based on three premises:
(1) q
(2) r
and
(3) p
]From these, the claim that p deductively follows.
Some people may find the third premise controversial, but it is
clear that if we replaced that premise by any other reasonable
premise, the argument would go through just as well.
Sellars's proof that p: Unfortunately, limitations of space prevent
it from being included here, but important parts of the proof can be
found in each of the articles in the attached bibliography.
Earman: There are solutions to the field equations of general
relativity in which space-time has the structure of a four-dimensional
klein bottle and in which there is no matter. In each such
space-time, the claim that not-p is false. Therefore p.
Kripke:
OUTLINE OF A "PROOF" THAT P [footnote]
Saul Kripke
Some philosophers have argued that not-p. But none of them seems to me
to have made a convincing argument against the intuitive view that
this is not the case. Therefore, p.
[footnote]. This outline was prepared hastily--at the editor's
insistence---from a taped transcript of a lecture. Since I was
not even given the opportunity to revise the first draft before
publication, I cannot be held responsible for any lacunae in the
(published version of the) argument, or for any fallacious or
garbled inferences resulting from faulty preparation of the
typescript. Also, the argument now seems to me to have problems
which I did not know when I wrote it, but which I can't discuss
here, and which are completely unrelated to any criticisms that
have appeared in the literature (or that I have seen in manuscript);
all such criticisms misconstrue the argument. It will be noted
that the present version of the argument seems to presuppose the
(intuitionistically unacceptable) law of double negation. But the
argument can easily be reformulated in a way that avoids employing
such an inference rule. I hope to expand on these matters further
in a separate monograph.
Routley and Meyer: If (q & not-q) is true, then there is a model for p.
Therefore p.
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Theorem : All positive integers are equal.
Proof : Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B,
A = B. Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N ] 0, if A
and B (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B.
Proceed by induction.
If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1.
So A = B.
Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B
with MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence
(A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B.
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From: Benjamin.J.Tilly@dartmouth.edu (Benjamin J. Tilly)
Theorem : All numbers are equal to zero.
Proof: Suppose that a=b. Then
a = b
a^2 = ab
a^2 - b^2 = ab - b^2
(a + b)(a - b) = b(a - b)
a + b = b
a = 0
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From: Michael_Ketzlick@h2.maus.de (Michael Ketzlick)
Theorem : 3=4
Proof:
Suppose:
a + b = c
This can also be written as:
4a - 3a + 4b - 3b = 4c - 3c
After reorganising:
4a + 4b - 4c = 3a + 3b - 3c
Take the constants out of the brackets:
4 * (a+b-c) = 3 * (a+b-c)
Remove the same term left and right:
4 = 3
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From: Benjamin.J.Tilly@dartmouth.edu (Benjamin J. Tilly)
Theorem: 1$ = 1c.
Proof:
And another that gives you a sense of money disappearing...
1$ = 100c
= (10c)^2
= (0.1$)^2
= 0.01$
= 1c
Here $ means dollars and c means cents. This one is scary in that I
have seen PhD's in math who were unable to see what was wrong with this
one. Actually I am crossposting this to sci.physics because I think
that the latter makes a very nice introduction to the importance of
keeping track of your dimensions...
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From: clubok@physics11 (Kenneth S. Clubok)
Theorem: 1 = -1 .
Proof:
1 -1
-- = --
-1 1
1 -1
sqrt[ -- ] = sqrt[ -- ]
-1 1
sqrt[1] sqrt[-1]
------- = -------
sqrt[-1] sqrt[1]
1=-1 (by cross-multiplication)
And here's my personal favorite:
Use integration by parts to find the anti-derivative of 1/x. One
can get the amusing result that 0=1. (Until you realize you have to put
in the limits.)
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From: jreimer@aol.com (JReimer)
Theorem: 1 = -1
Proof:
1 = sqrt(1) = sqrt(-1 * -1) = sqrt(-1) * sqrt(-1) = 1^ = -1
Also one can disprove the axiom that things equal to the same thing
are equal to each other.
1 = sqrt(1)
-1 = sqrt(1)
therefore 1 = -1
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From: kdq@marsupial.jpl.nasa.gov (Kevin D. Quitt)
Theorem: 4 = 5
Proof:
16 - 36 = 25 - 45
4^2 - 9*4 = 5^2 - 9*5
4^2 - 9*4 + 81/4 = 5^2 - 9*5 + 81/4
(4 - 9/2)^2 = (5 - 9/2)^2
4 - 9/2 = 5 - 9/2
4 = 5
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baez@guitar.ucr.edu (john baez) writes:
Theorem: 1 + 1 = 2
Proof:
n(2n - 2) = n(2n - 2)
n(2n - 2) - n(2n - 2) = 0
(n - n)(2n - 2) = 0
2n(n - n) - 2(n - n) = 0
2n - 2 = 0
2n = 2
n + n = 2
or setting n = 1
1 + 1 = 2
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From: magidin@uclink.berkeley.edu (Arturo Viso Magidin)
Theorem: In any finite set of women, if one has blue eyes then they
all have blue eyes.
Proof. Induction on the number of elements.
if n= or n=1 it is immediate.
Assume it is true for k
Consider a group with k+1 women, and without loss of generality assume
the first one has blue eyes. I will represent one with blue eyes with
a '*' and one with unknown eye color as @.
You have the set of women:
{*,@,...,@} with k+1 elements. Consider the subset made up of the first
k. This subset is a set of k women, of which one has blue eyes. By
the induction hypothesis, all of them have blue eyes. We have then:
{*,...,*,@}, with k+1 elements. Now consider the subset of the last k
women. This is a set of k women, of which one has blue eyes (the next-to-last
element of the set), hence they all have blue eyes, in particular
the k+1-th woman has blue eyes.
Hence all k+1 women have blue eyes.
By induction, it follows that in any finite set of women, if one has
blue eyes they all have blue eyes. QED
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From: Zorro
Theorem:
All positive integers are interesting.
Proof:
Assume the contrary. Then there is a lowest non-interesting positive
integer. But, hey, that's pretty interesting! A contradiction.
QED
I heard this one from G. B. Thomas, but I don't know whether it is due to
him.
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From: daniel@hagar.ph.utexas.edu (James Daniel)
Aren't multi-valued functions fun? Once you realize what's going on,
though, you can make them into silly proofs pretty much without thinking.
Here's one I just made up:
Object: to prove that i [ 0 ( that is, sqrt(-1) [ 0 )
Well, ( .5 + sqrt(3/4)*i )^3 = (-1)^3
(most would assert this to be a false statement -- mostly
cuz they'll get the math wrong. It's a true statement.
It's the next statement that is false.)
which means that .5 + sqrt(3/4)*i = -1
So then 1 + sqrt(3)*i = -2
sqrt(3)*i = -1
i = -1/sqrt(3)
Therefore i is a negative number. QED.
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From: julison@cco.caltech.edu (Julian C. Jamison)
Theorem: All numbers are equal.
Proof:
Choose arbitrary a and b, and let t = a + b. Then
a + b = t
(a + b)(a - b) = t(a - b)
a^2 - b^2 = ta - tb
a^2 - ta = b^2 - tb
a^2 - ta + (t^2)/4 = b^2 - tb + (t^2)/4
(a - t/2)^2 = (b - t/2)^2
a - t/2 = b - t/2
a = b
So all numbers are the same, and math is pointless.
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From: pfc@math.ufl.edu (P. Fritz Cronheim)
This one is from Jerry King's _Art of Mathematics_
16/64=1/4 by cancelling the 6's. Here the result is true, but the method
is not. Do the ends justify the means? :)_
*M_________________________________________________________________________
Theorem: n=n+1
Proof:
(n+1)^2 = n^2 + 2*n + 1
Bring 2n+1 to the left:
(n+1)^2 - (2n+1) = n^2
Substract n(2n+1) from both sides and factoring, we have:
(n+1)^2 - (n+1)(2n+1) = n^2 - n(2n+1)
Adding 1/4(2n+1)^2 to both sides yields:
(n+1)^2 - (n+1)(2n+1) + 1/4(2n+1)^2 = n^2 - n(2n+1) + 1/4(2n+1)^2
This may be written:
[ (n+1) - 1/2(2n+1) ]^2 = [ n - 1/2(2n+1) ]^2
Taking the square roots of both sides:
(n+1) - 1/2(2n+1) = n - 1/2(2n+1)
Add 1/2(2n+1) to both sides:
n+1 = n
*M_________________________________________________________________________
Theorem: log(-1) = 0
Proof:
a) log[(-1)^2] = 2 * log(-1)
On the other hand:
b) log[(-1)^2] = log(1) = 0
Combining a) and b) gives:
2* log(-1) = 0
Divide both sides by 2:
log(-1) = 0
*M_________________________________________________________________________
Theorem: ln(2) = 0
Proof:
Consider the series equivalent of ln 2:
ln 2 = 1 - 1/2 + 1/3 - 1/4 + 1/5 - 1/6 ...
Rearange the terms:
ln 2 = (1 + 1/3 + 1/5 + 1/7 ...) - (1/2 + 1/4 + 1/6 + 1/8 ...)
Thus:
ln 2 = (1 + 1/3 + 1/5 + 1/7 ...) + (1/2 + 1/4 + 1/6 + 1/8 ...) -
2 * (1/2 + 1/4 + 1/6 + 1/8 ...)
Combine the first to series:
ln 2 = (1 + 1/2 + 1/3 + 1/4 + 1/5 ...) - (1 + 1/2 + 1/3 + 1/4 + 1/5 ...)
Therefore:
ln 2 = 0
*M_________________________________________________________________________
Theorem: 1 = 0
Proof:
Consider the infinite series: 1 - 1 + 1 - 1 + 1 - 1 + 1 -1 + 1 ...
Pair the terms:
a) (1 - 1) + (1 - 1) + (1 - 1) + ... = 0
Pair the terms differently:
b) 1 - (1 - 1) + (1 - 1) + (1 - 1) + ... = 1
Combine a) and b):
1 = 0
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Methods of Mathematical Proof
This is from _A Random Walk in Science_ (by Joel E. Cohen?):
To illustrate the various methods of proof we give an example of a
logical system.
THE PEJORATIVE CALCULUS
Lemma 1. All horses are the same colour.
(Proof by induction)
Proof. It is obvious that one horse is the same colour. Let us assume
the proposition P(k) that k horses are the same colour and use this to
imply that k+1 horses are the same colour. Given the set of k+1 horses,
we remove one horse; then the remaining k horses are the same colour,
by hypothesis. We remove another horse and replace the first; the k
horses, by hypothesis, are again the same colour. We repeat this until
by exhaustion the k+1 sets of k horses have been shown to be the same
colour. It follows that since every horse is the same colour as every
other horse, P(k) entails P(k+1). But since we have shown P(1) to be
true, P is true for all succeeding values of k, that is, all horses are
the same colour.
Theorem 1. Every horse has an infinite number of legs.
(Proof by intimidation.)
Proof. Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs
and in front they have fore legs. This makes six legs, which is cer-
tainly an odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is
both odd and even is infinity. Therefore horses have an infinite num-
ber of legs. Now to show that this is general, suppose that somewhere
there is a horse with a finite number of legs. But that is a horse of
another colour, and by the lemma that does not exist.
Corollary 1. Everything is the same colour.
Proof. The proof of lemma 1 does not depend at all on the nature of the
object under consideration. The predicate of the antecedent of the uni-
versally-quantified conditional 'For all x, if x is a horse, then x is
the same colour,' namely 'is a horse' may be generalized to 'is anything'
without affecting the validity of the proof; hence, 'for all x, if x is
anything, x is the same colour.'
Corollary 2. Everything is white.
Proof. If a sentential formula in x is logically true, then any parti-
cular substitution instance of it is a true sentence. In particular
then: 'for all x, if x is an elephant, then x is the same colour' is
true. Now it is manifestly axiomatic that white elephants exist (for
proof by blatant assertion consult Mark Twain 'The Stolen White Ele-
phant'). Therefore all elephants are white. By corollary 1 everything
is white.
Theorem 2. Alexander the Great did not exist and he had an infinite
number of limbs.
Proof. We prove this theorem in two parts. First we note the obvious
fact that historians always tell the truth (for historians always take
a stand, and therefore they cannot lie). Hence we have the historically
true sentence, 'If Alexander the Great existed, then he rode a black
horse Bucephalus.' But we know by corollary 2 everything is white;
hence Alexander could not have ridden a black horse. Since the conse-
quent of the conditional is false, in order for the whole statement to
be true the antecedent must be false. Hence Alexander the Great did not
exist.
We have also the historically true statement that Alexander was warned
by an oracle that he would meet death if he crossed a certain river. He
had two legs; and 'forewarned is four-armed.' This gives him six limbs,
an even number, which is certainly an odd number of limbs for a man.
Now the only number which is even and odd is infinity; hence Alexander
had an infinite number of limbs. We have thus proved that Alexander the
Great did not exist and that he had an infinite number of limbs.
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Theorem: a cat has nine tails.
Proof: No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat.
Therefore, a cat has nine tails.
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From: rmaimon@husc9.Harvard.EDU (Ron Maimon)
Theorem: All dogs have nine legs.
Proof:
would you agree that no dog has five legs?
would you agree that _a_ dog has four legs more then _no_ dog?
4 + 5 = ?
*M_________________________________________________________________________
From: sld1n@cc.usu.edu
Prove that the crocodile is longer than it is wide.
Lemma 1. The crocodile is longer than it is green:
Let's look at the crocodile. It is long on the top and on the bottom, but it is
green only on the top. Therefore, the crocodile is longer than it is green.
Lemma 2. The crocodile is greener than it is wide:
Let's look at the crocodile. It is green along its length and width, but it is
wide only along its width. Therefore, the crocodile is greener than it is wide.
From Lemma 1 and Lemma 2 we conclude that the crocodile is longer than it is
wide.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=1.2 STATISTICS AND STATISTICANS
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Did you hear the one about the statistician?
Probably....
M__________________________________________________________________________
Statistics means never having to say you're certain.
[With apologies to Erich Segal]
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In earlier times, they had no statistics, and so they had to fall
back on lies. - STEPHEN LEACOCK
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"The group was alarmed to find that if you are a labourer, cleaner or dock
worker, you are twice as likely to die than a member of the professional
classes" [The Sunday Times 31st August 1980]
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From: ph2008@mail.bris.ac.uk (CJ. Bradfield)
Statistics is the art of never having to say you're wrong.
Variance is what any two staticticians are at.
(Not that I particularly dislike statisticians... I hate all
mathematicians!!) [sorry mum!]
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97.3% of all statistics are made up.
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it's like the tale of the roadside merchant who was asked to explain how
he could sell rabbit sandwiches so cheap. "Well" he explained, "I have to
put some horse-meat in too. But I mix them 50:50. One horse, one rabbit."
[DARREL HUFF, How to lie with statistics]
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Are statisticians normal?
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From: joeshmoe@world.std.com (Jascha Franklin-Hodge) (List of Taglines)
Smoking is a leading cause of statistics.
I could prove God statistically.
43% of all statistics are worthless.
"There are lies, damned lies, and statistics." -Mark Twain
3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.
Death is 99 per cent fatal to laboratory rats.
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Did you know that the great majority of people have more than the average
number of legs? [It's obvious really; amongst the 57 million people in
Britain there are probably 5,000 people who have only got one leg.
Therefore the average number of legs is
(5000 * 1) + (56,995,000 * 2)
---------------------------------- = 1.9999123......
57,000,000
Since most people have 2 legs....... ]
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A statistician is a person who draws a mathematically precise line from an
unwarranted asumption to a foregone conclusion.
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A statistician can have his head in an oven and his feet in ice, and
he will say that on the average he feels fine.
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From: Chris Morton (mortoncp@nextwork.rose-hulman.edu) do it collection
Statisticians do it continuously but discretely.
Statisticians do it when it counts.
Statisticians do it with 95% confidence.
Statisticians do it with large numbers.
Statisticians do it with only a 5% chance of being rejected.
Statisticians do it with two-tail T tests.
Statisticians do it. After all, it's only normal.
Statisticians probably do it.
From: rgep@pmms.cam.ac.uk (Richard Pinch)
Probabilists do it on random walks.
Probabilists do it stochastically.
Statisticians do all the standard deviations.
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From: Mathematics Magazine, December 1990.
Subject: Statisticians
( Excerpted from "Quotes, Damned Quotes" by John Bibby )
If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then 9
times out of ten it will. (Paul Harvey News, 1979)
``Give us a copper Guv'' said the beggar to the Treasury
statistician, when he waylaid him in Parliament square. ``I
haven't eaten for three days.'' ``Ah,'' said the statistician, ``and
how does that compare with the same period last year?'' (Russell
Lewis)
``I gather, young man, that you wish to be a Member of
Parliament. The first lesson that you must learn is, when I call
for statistics about the rate of infant mortality, what I want
is proof that fewer babies died when I was Prime Minister than
when anyone else was Prime Minister. That is a political
statistic.'' (Winston Churchill)
``You haven't told me yet,'' said Lady Nuttal, ``what it is your
fiance does for a living.''
``He's a statistician,'' replied Lamia, with an annoying sense of
being on the defensive.
Lady Nuttal was obviously taken aback. It had not occurred to
her that statisticians entered into normal social relationships.
The species, she would have surmised, was perpetuated in some
collateral manner, like mules.
``But Aunt Sara, it's a very interesting profession,'' said Lamia
warmly.
``I don't doubt it,'' said her aunt, who obviously doubted it very
much. ``To express anything important in mere figures is so
plainly impossible that there must be endless scope for
well-paid advice on the how to do it. But don't you think that
life with a statistician would be rather, shall we say,
humdrum?''
Lamia was silent. She felt reluctant to discuss the surprising
depth of emotional possibility which she had discovered below
Edward's numerical veneer.
``It's not the figures themselves,'' she said finally. ``It's what
you do with them that matters.'' (K.A.C. Manderville, The undoing
of Lamia Gurdleneck)
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People who do very unusual jobs: the man who counts then number of people
at public gatherings.
You've probably seen his headlines, "Two million flock to see Pope.", "200
arrested as police find ounce of cannabis.", "Britain #3 billion in debt".
You probably wondered who was responsible for producing such well
rounded-up figures. What you didn't know was that it was all the work of
one man, Rounder-Up to the media, John Wheeler. But how is he able to go
on turning out such spot-on statistics? How can he be so accurate all the
time?
"We can't" admits Wheeler blithely. "Frankly, after the first million we
stop counting, and round it up to the next million. I don't know if you've
ever counted a papal flock, but, not only do they look a bit the same,
they also don't keep still, what with all the bowing and crossing
themselves."
"The only way you could do it accurately is by taking an aerial photograph
of the crowd and handing it to the computer to work out. But then you'd
get a headline saying "1,678,163 [sic] flock to see Pope, not including
35,467 who couldn't see him", and, believe me, nobody wants that sort of
headline."
The art of big figures, avers Wheeler, lies in psychology, not statistics.
The public like a figure it can admire. It likes millionaires, and
million-sellers, and centuries at cricket, so Wheeler's international
agency gives them the figures it wants, which involves not only rounding
up but rounding down.
"In the old days people used to deal with crowds on the Isle of Wight
principle -- you know, they'd say that every day the population of the
world increased by the number of people who could stand upright on the
Isle of Wight, or the rain-forests were being decreased by an area the
size of Rutland. This meant nothing. Most people had never been to the
Isle of Wight for a start, and even if they had, they only had a vision of
lots of Chinese standing in the grounds of the Cowes Yacht Club. And the
Rutland comparison was so useless that they were driven to abolish Rutland
to get rid of it.
"No, what people want is a few good millions. A hundred million, if
possible. One of our inventions was street value, for instance. In the old
days they used to say that police had discovered drugs in a quantity large
enough to get all of Rutland stoned for a fortnight. *We* started saying
that the drugs had a street value of #10 million. Absolutely meaningless,
but people understand it better."
Sometimes they do get the figures spot on. "250,000 flock to see Royal
two", was one of his recent headlines, and although the 250,000 was a
rounded-up figure, the two was quite correct. in his palatial office he
sits surrounded by relics of past headlines - a million-year-old fossil, a
#500,000 Manet, a photograph of the Sultan of Brunei's #10,000,000 house -
but pride of place goes to a pair of shoes framed on the wall.
"Why the shoes? Because they cost me #39.99. They serve as a reminder of
mankind's other great urge, to have stupid odd figures. Strange, isn't it?
They want mass demos of exactly half a million, but they also want their
gramophone records to go round at thirty-three-and-a-third, forty-five and
seventy-eight rpm. We have stayed in business by remembering that below a
certain level people want oddity. They don't a rocket costing #299 million
and 99p, and they don't want a radio costing exactly #50."
How does he explain the times when the figures clash - when, for example,
the organisers of a demo claim 250,000 but the police put it nearer
100,000?
"We provide both sets of figures; the figures the organisers want, and the
figures the police want. The public believe both. If we gave the true
figure, about 167,890, nobody would believe it because it doesn't sound
believable."
John Wheeler's name has never become well-known, as he is a shy figure,
but his firm has an annual turnover of #3 million and his eye for the
right figure has made him a rich man. His greatest pleasure, however,
comes from the people he meets in the counting game.
"Exactly two billion, to be precise."
MILES KINGTON writing in The Observer, 3 November 1986
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From: goble@infonaut.com (Clark Goble)
You know how dumb the average guy is? Well, by definition, half
of them are even dumber than that. -- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs
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From: Kirk Lindberg (kalindberg@mmm.com)
Q: What is the definition of a statistician?
A: Someone who doesn't have the personality to be an accountant.
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Did you hear about the Statistician that couldn't get laid?
He decided a simulation was good enough.
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From: rogers@sasuga.Hi.COM (Andrew Rogers)
"She was only the statistician's daughter, but she knew all the standard
deviations."
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From: en4bmhd@bs47c.staffs.ac.uk (Hendrik De Vloed)
All probabilities are 50% ... either something happens, or it doesn't!
From: brc2@Lehigh.EDU
Correction...
My doctor told me I only have a 50% chance of making it- but he said there's
only a 15% of even that.
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From: ahilditc@awadi.com.au & ts@uwasa.fi (Timo Salmi) &
Juhani Heino [juhani.heino@hel.fi]
A:I'll bet that 99% of people who read the question don't!
T:That's a mean thing to say.
J:Yes, it was. I guess that person is too regressed.
As a matter of fact, I'm 75.4 % sure about that.
T:Incidentally, did you know that using non-linear regression in
research is currently out of line.
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From: jlevine@rd.hydro.on.ca (Jody Levine)
80% of all statistics quoted to prove a point are made up on the spot.
*M_________________________________________________________________________
From: bchrist@mercury.interpath.net (Brian Sherwood Christiansen)
According to recent surveys, 51% of the people are in the majority.
From: The Lone Locust of The Apocalypse [petdoc@osuunx.ucc.okstate.edu]
*M_________________________________________________________________________
From: The Lone Locust of The Apocalypse [petdoc@osuunx.ucc.okstate.edu]
A new government 10 year survey cost $3,000,000,000 revealed that 3/4 of
the people in America make up 75% of the population.
*M_________________________________________________________________________
From: troyt@sun.com (troy trimble)
According to a recent survey, 33 of the people say they participate
in surveys.
According to a recent survey, a number of people said they despise
participating in surveys. Accurate figures are not yet available as
several of the surveyors remain in intensive care and are not available
for comment. A recent survey of their boss indicated that 100% of bosses
have openings available for future surveyors.
*M_________________________________________________________________________
From: NDGP21A@prodigy.com (Tony Colle)
Your question reminds me of when I was in undergraduate school in a large,
unnamed State University Center along the Southern Tier of New York
State, somewhere between Syracuse and Scranton.
We took a survey about apathy on campus. Of the surveys sent out, only
2% were returned and the overwhelming majority of the respondents said
they didn't care if there was apathy on campus.
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From: Sunita Saini [ez017842@peseta.ucdavis.edu]
A stats major was completely hung over the day of his final
exam. It was a True/False test, so he decided to flip a coin for the
answers. The stats professor watched the student the entire two hours as
he was flipping the coin...writing the answer...flipping the
coin...writing the answer. At the end of the two hours, everyone else
had left the final except for the one student. The professor walks up to
his desk and interrupts the student, saying:
"Listen, I have seen that you did not study for this statistics test, you
didn't even open the exam. If you are just flipping a coin for your
answer, what is taking you so long?
The student replies bitterly (as he is still flipping the coin):
" Shhh! I am checking my answers!"
*M_________________________________________________________________________
From: quee0076@sable.ox.ac.uk (Marky Mark)
There was this statistics student who, when driving his car, would always
accelerate hard before coming to any junction, whizz straight over it ,
then slow down again once he'd got over it. One day, he took a passenger,
who was understandably unnerved by his driving style, and asked him why he
went so fast over junctions. The statistics student replied, "Well,
statistically speaking, you are far more likely to have an accident at a
junction, so I just make sure that I spend less time there."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=1.3 MATHEMATICIANS
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From: Hugh Robinson [hmr@coventry.ac.uk]
Okay, here's mine. I am told that it's true, but...
A certain well-known pure mathematician had a wife who, while
intelligent, was not into mathematics. However, by continued
practice, she learnt to distinguish between the conversations
of algebraists and analysts. So when he had guests to dinner
who were talking about mathematics, if they were analysts, she
would introduce at a suitable pause in the conversation:
"But what happens at the boundary?"
Whereas, if they were algebraists, she would say:
"But do the roots lie in the field?"
By this means she was always able to impress his visitors by
her knowledge of mathematics.
(No, don't write and ask for the punchline. That's all.)
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Three men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost
in a canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea.
We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices
far."
So he leans over the basket and yells out, "Helllloooooo! Where are
we?" (They hear the echo several times.)
15 minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! You're
lost!!"
One of the men says, "That must have been a mathematician."
Puzzled, one of the other men asks, "Why do you say that?"
The reply: "For three reasons. (1) he took a long time to answer, (2)
he was absolutely correct, and (3) his answer was absolutely useless."
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A small, 14-seat plane is circling for a landing in Atlanta. It's
totally fogged in, zero visibility, and suddenly there's a small
electrical fire in the cockpit which disables all of the instruments
and the radio. The pilot continues circling, totally lost, when
suddenly he finds himself flying next to a tall office building.
He rolls down the window (this particular airplane happens to have
roll-down windows) and yells to a person inside the building, "Where
are we?"
The person responds "In an airplane!"
The pilot then banks sharply to the right, circles twice, and makes a
perfect landing at Atlanta International.
As the passengers emerge, shaken but unhurt, one of them says to the
pilot, "I'm certainly glad you were able to land safely, but I don't
understand how the response you got was any use."
"Simple," responded the pilot. "I got an answer that was completely
accurate and totally irrelevant to my problem, so I knew it had to be
the IBM building."
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Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they
translate into their own language and forthwith it is something
entirely different. (Johann Wolfgang von Goethe)
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Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions.
From: Tim.Nelson@Canada.ATTGIS.COM (list of Old * Never Die, they just)
OLD MATH TEACHERS never die, they just reduce to lowest terms
OLD MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just disintegrate
OLD MATHEMATICIANS never die, they just go off on a tangent
OLD NUMERICAL ANALYSTS never die, they just get disarrayed
OLD TRIGONOMETRY TEACHERS never die, they just lose their identities
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From: banghar4@studentb.msu.edu (Rick Banghart)
Two math professors are in a restaurant. One argues that the average person
does not know any math beyond high school. The other argues that the average
person knows some more advanced math. Just then, the first one gets up to use
the rest room. The second professor calls over his waitress and says, "When
you bring our food, I'm going to ask you a mathematical question. I want you to
answer, 'One third x cubed.' Can you do that?"
The waitress says, "I don't know if I can remember that. One thurr... um..."
"One third x cubed," says the prof.
"One thir dex cue?," asks the waitress.
"One"
"One"
"Third"
"Third"
"X"
"X"
"Cubed"
"Cubed"
"One third X cubed"
"One third X cubed"
The waitress leaves, and the other professor comes back. They resume their
conversation until a few minutes later when the waitress brings their food.
The professor says to the waitress, "Say, do you mind if I ask you something?"
"Not at all"
"Can you tell me what the integral of x squared dx is?"
The waitress pauses, then says, "One third x cubed."
As she walks away, she stops, turns, and adds, "Plus a constant!"
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Some famous mathematician was to give a keynote speech at a
conference. Asked for an advance summary, he said he would present a
proof of Fermat's Last Theorem -- but they should keep it under their
hats. When he arrived, though, he spoke on a much more prosaic
topic. Afterwards the conference organizers asked why he said he'd
talk about the theorem and then didn't. He replied this was his
standard practice, just in case he was killed on the way to the
conference.
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How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One, who gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing it to an
earlier riddle.
-- from a button I bought at Nancy Lebowitz's table at Boskone
Q: How many topologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It really doesn't matter, since they'd rather knot.
From:BRIAN6@VAXC.MDX.AC.UK (who has a lightbulb collection)
Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None. It's left to the reader as an exercise.
A: Just one, once you've managed to present the problem in terms he/she
is familiar with.
In earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician
can change a light bulb.
If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more simply
watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the
light bulb.
Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers,
n mathematicians can change a light bulb.
Bibliography:
[1] Weiner, Matthew P., [11485@ucbvax], "Re: YALBJ", 1986
Q: How many statisticians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: This should be determined using a nonparametric procedure, since
statisticians are NOT NORMAL.
A: Walt Pirie to hold the bulb and one psychologist, one economist,
one sociologist and one anthroplogist to pull away the ladder.
A: One -- plus or minus three (small sample size).
(Notes: Someone has been asking this as a bonus question on statistics exam
papers for quite a while. Judging from some of his own students' exam answers,
it depends on whether the lightbulb is negatively or positively screwed.)
Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
(Could somebody please explain this one to me ! I think it's something to do
with the maths/logic theories of Kurt Goedel, about it being impossible to
prove things.)
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"A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems"
-- P. Erdos
*M_________________________________________________________________________
Moebius always does it on the same side.
Statisticians probably do it
Algebraists do it in groups.
(Logicians do it) or [not (logicians do it)].
From: rgep@pmms.cam.ac.uk (Richard Pinch)
Algebraic geometers do it on the cubic three-fold.
Algebraic geometers do it for variety.
Algebraists do it in a ring.
Algebraists do it in fields.
Analysts do it continuously.
Analysts do it smoothly.
Analytic number theorists do it in the critical strip.
Analytic number theorists do it on the critical line.
Banach spacers do it completely.
Class field theorists do it by capitulation.
Classical geometers do it on the nine-point circle.
Classical geometers do it on the Euler line.
Combinatorialists do it discretely.
Commutative algebraists do it regularly.
Complex analysts do it under a universal cover.
Differential analysts do it in a degenerate case.
From: Chris Morton (mortoncp@nextwork.rose-hulman.edu) do it collection
Logicians do it consistently and completely.
Mathematicians do it associatively.
Mathematicians do it commutatively.
Mathematicians do it constantly.
Mathematicians do it continuously.
Mathematicians do it discretely.
Mathematicians do it exponentially.
Mathematicians do it forever if they can do one and can do one more.
Mathematicians do it functionally.
Mathematicians do it homologically.
Mathematicians do it in fields.
Mathematicians do it in groups.
Mathematicians do it in imaginary planes.
Mathematicians do it in numbers.
Mathematicians do it in theory.
Mathematicians do it on smooth contours.
Mathematicians do it over and under the curves.
Mathematicians do it parallel and perpendicular.
Mathematicians do it partially.
Mathematicians do it rationally.
Mathematicians do it reflexively.
Mathematicians do it symmetrically.
Mathematicians do it to prove themselves.
Mathematicians do it to their limits.
Mathematicians do it totally.
Mathematicians do it transcendentally.
Mathematicians do it transitively.
Mathematicians do it variably.
Mathematicians do it with Nobel's wife.
Mathematicians do it with a Minkowski sausage.
Mathematicians do it with imaginary parts.
Mathematicians do it with linear pairs.
Mathematicians do it with odd functions.
Mathematicians do it with prime roots.
Mathematicians do it with relations.
Mathematicians do it with rings.
Mathematicians do it with their real parts.
Mathematicians do it without limit.
Mathematicians do over an open unmeasurable interval.
Mathematicians have to prove they did it.
Set theorists do it with cardinals.
From: jeffs@math.bu.edu (Jeff Suzuki)
Complex analysts do it between the sheets
Real analysts do it almost everywhere
Topologists do it in multiply connected domains
Number theorists do it perfectly
Chaoticians do it with sensitive dependence
From: rgep@pmms.cam.ac.uk (Richard Pinch)
Functional analysts do it with compact support.
Galois theorists do it in a field.
Graph theorists do it discretely.
Graph theorists do it in four colours.
Group theorists do it simply.
Group theorists do it with the Monster.
Hilbert spacers do it orthogonally.
Large cardinals do it inaccessibly.
Logicians do it by choice.
Logicians do it incompletely or inconsistently.
Logicians do it with Jensen's device.
Measure theorists do it almost everywhere.
Measure theorists do it almost nowhere.
Number theorists do it rationally.
Real analysts do it uniformly.
Ring theorists do it non-commutatively.
Set theorists do it in a morass.
Topologists do it on rubber sheets.
Topos theorists do it pointlessly.
Applied mathematicians do it by computer simulation.
Mathematicians do it by numbers.
Mathematicians do it in n dimensions.
Pure mathematicians do it rigorously.
From: wft@math.canterbury.ac.nz (Bill Taylor)
Algebraists do it with multiple roots.
Catastrophe theorists do it falling off part of a sheet.
Geometers do it with involutions.
Statisticians do it with significance.
Bayesians do it with improper priors.
Functional analysts do it with degenerate colonels.
Constructivists do it without excluding the middle.
Decision theorists do it optimally.
Linear programmers do it with nearest neighbors.
Game theorists do it by dominance or saddle points.
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A mathematician is a person who says that, when 3 people are supposed
to be in a room but 5 came out, 2 have to go in so the room gets
empty...
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My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes
obtuse, but always, he was right.
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From: lyon@netcom.com (Lyman Lyon)
Physics professor is walking across campus, runs into Math Professor.
Physics professor has been doing an experiment, and has worked out an
emphirical equation that seems to explain his data, and asks the Math
professor to look at it.
A week later, they meet again, and the Math professor says the equation
is invalid. By then, the Physics professor has used his equation to
predict the results of further experiments, and he is getting excellent
results, so he askes the Math professor to look again.
Another week goes by, and they meet once more. The Math professor tells
the Physics professor the equation does work, "But only in the trivial
case where the numbers are real and positive."
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From: gw@molly.informatik.Uni-Koeln.DE (Georg Wambach)
What is the difference between an applied mathematician and a pure
mathematician?
Suppose a mathematician parks his car, locks it with his key and walks
away. After walking about 50 yards the mathematician realizes that he has
dropped his key somewhere along the way. What does he do? If he is an
applied mathematician he walks back to the car along the path he has
previously traveled looking for his key. If he is a pure mathematician he
walks to the other end of the parking lot where there is better light
and looks for his key there.
I told this joke to my brother (he is a "pure"). He answers:
"But we have not dropped our keys!" Hence, I suggest a slight
modification:
Suppose a _tax_payer_ parks his car, locks it with his key and walks
away. After walking about 50 yards the tax payer realizes that he
has dropped his key somewhere along the way. He asked a mathematician
to help him. What does the mathematician do? (...)
*M_________________________________________________________________________
From: Steven Sinnott [steveisi@vt.edu]
When a mathematician dies, does he get disfigured, dissolved,
or disintegrated?
*M_________________________________________________________________________
From: "John Derrico" [derrico@pixel.Kodak.COM]
The famous professor of mathematics was in town for a conference.
Since he had some free time, he was approached to give a seminar for
the undergraduate mathematics students at the local college.
After covering several blackboards with densely packed computations
and expressions filled with Bessel functions and more, the professor
remembered that there were many undergraduate students in the room.
Feeling just a twinge of remorse that perhaps he was talking above
the heads of some of the students in his audience, he turned around
and asked the audience if there were any students who had never seen
a Bessel function. The audience was silent for a moment. Finally, one
intrepid student raised his hand to admit that he had never seen Bessel
functions. The professor nodded with apparent comprehension. Without
hesitation, he turned around and pointed at the blackboard, while saying
"well, there's one now" and continued his talk.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=1.4 POETRY
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From: chrisman@ucdmath.ucdavis.edu (Mark Chrisman)
"Aleph-0 bottles of beer on the wall,
Aleph-0 bottles of beer;
Take one down, pass it around,
Aleph-0 bottles of beer on the wall!
Aleph-0 bottles of beer on the wall..."
*M_________________________________________________________________________
From: fc3a501@math.uni-hamburg.de (Hauke Reddmann)
One bottle of beer on the wall
One bottle of beer on the wall
if this bottle MAY fall
there is a half bottle of beer on the wall
(assuming equiprobability, of course)
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One and one make two,
But if one and one should marry,
Isn't it queer-
Within a year
There's two and one to carry.
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Geometry keeps you in shape.
Decimals make a point.
Einstein was ahead of his time.
Lobachevski was out of line.
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"IF" (School Maths version)
===========================
If you can solve a literal equation
And rationalise denominator surds,
Do grouping factors (with a transformation)
And state the factor theorem in words;
If you can plot the graph of any function
And do a long division (with gaps),
Or square binomials without compunction
Or work cube roos with logs without mishaps.
If you possess a sound and clear-cut notion
Of interest sums with P and I unknown;
If you can find the speed of trains in motion,
Given some lengths and "passing-times" alone;
If you can play with R (both big and little)
And feel at home with l (or h) and Pi,
And learn by cancellation how to whittle
Your fractions down till they delight the eye.
If you can recognise the segment angles
Both at the centre and circumference;
If you can spot equivalent triangles
And Friend Pythagoras (his power's immmense);
If you can see that equiangularity
And congruence are two things and not one,
You may pick up a mark or two in charity
And, what is more, you may squeeze through, my son.
[Times Educational Supplement 19th July 1947]
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This poem was written by Jon Saxton (an author of math textbooks).
((12 + 144 + 20 + (3 * 4^(1/2))) / 7) + (5 * 11) = 9^2 + 0
Or for those who have trouble with the poem:
A Dozen, a Gross and a Score,
plus three times the square root of four,
divided by seven,
plus five times eleven,
equals nine squared and not a bit more.
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'Tis a favorite project of mine
A new value of pi to assign.
I would fix it at 3
For it's simpler, you see,
Than 3 point 1 4 1 5 9.
("The Lure of the Limerick" by W.S. Baring-Gould, p.5. Attributed to
Harvey L. Carter).
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If inside a circle a line
Hits the center and goes spine to spine
And the line's length is "d"
the circumference will be
d times 3.14159
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If (1+x) (real close to 1)
Is raised to the power of 1
Over x, you will find
Here's the value defined:
2.718281...
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Here's a limerick I picked up off the net a few years back - looks better
on paper.
3_
\/3
/
| 2 3 X pi 3_
| z dz X cos(--------) = ln (\/e )
| 9
/
1
Which, of course, translates to:
Integral z-squared dz
from 1 to the cube root of 3
times the cosine
of three pi over 9
equals log of the cube root of 'e'.
And it's correct, too.
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Not a joke, but a humorous ditty I heard from some guys in an
engineering fraternity (to the best of my recollection):
I'll do it phonetically:
ee to the ex dee ex,
ee to the why dee why,
sine x, cosine x,
natural log of y,
derivative on the left
derivative on the right
integrate, integrate,
fight! fight! fight!
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Other cheers:
E to the x dx dy
radical transcendental pi
secant cosine tangent sine
3.14159
2.71828
come on folks let's integrate!!
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E to the i dx dy
E to y dy
cosine secant log of pi
disintegrate em RPI !!!
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square root, tangent
hyperbolic sine,
3.14159
e to the x, dy, dx,
sliderule, slipstick, TECH TECH TECH!
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e to the u, du/dx
e to the x dx
cosine, secant, tangent, sine,
3.14159
integral, radical, u dv,
slipstick, slide rule, MIT!
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E to the X
D-Y, D-X
E to the X
D-X.
Cosine, Secant, Tangent, Sine
3.14159
E-I, Radical, Pi
Fight'em, Fight'em, WPI!
Go Worcester Polytechnic Institute!!!!!!
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Hiawatha Designs an Experiment
Hiawatha, mighty hunter,
He could shoot ten arrows upward,
Shoot them with such strength and swiftness
That the last had left the bow-string
Ere the first to earth descended.
This was commonly regarded
As a feat of skill and cunning.
Several sarcastic spirits
Pointed out to him, however,
That it might be much more useful
If he sometimes hit the target.
"Why not shoot a little straighter
And employ a smaller sample?"
Hiawatha, who at college
Majored in applied statistics,
Consequently felt entitled
To instruct his fellow man
In any subject whatsoever,
Waxed exceedingly indignant,
Talked about the law of errors,
Talked about truncated normals,
Talked of loss of information,
Talked about his lack of bias,
Pointed out that (in the long run)
Independent observations,
Even though they missed the target,
Had an average point of impact
Very near the spot he aimed at,
With the possible exception
of a set of measure zero.
"This," they said, "was rather doubtful;
Anyway it didn't matter.
What resulted in the long run:
Either he must hit the target
Much more often than at present,
Or himself would have to pay for
All the arrows he had wasted."
Hiawatha, in a temper,
Quoted parts of R. A. Fisher,
Quoted Yates and quoted Finney,
Quoted reams of Oscar Kempthorne,
Quoted Anderson and Bancroft
(practically in extenso)
Trying to impress upon them
That what actually mattered
Was to estimate the error.
Several of them admitted:
"Such a thing might have its uses;
Still," they said, "he would do better
If he shot a little straighter."
Hiawatha, to convince them,
Organized a shooting contest.
Laid out in the proper manner
Of designs experimental
Recommended in the textbooks,
Mainly used for tasting tea
(but sometimes used in other cases)
Used factorial arrangements
And the theory of Galois,
Got a nicely balanced layout
And successfully confounded
Second order interactions.
All the other tribal marksmen,
Ignorant benighted creatures
Of experimental setups,
Used their time of preparation
Putting in a lot of practice
Merely shooting at the target.
Thus it happened in the contest
That their scores were most impressive
With one solitary exception.
This, I hate to have to say it,
Was the score of Hiawatha,
Who as usual shot his arrows,
Shot them with great strength and swiftness,
Managing to be unbiased,
Not however with a salvo
Managing to hit the target.
"There!" they said to Hiawatha,
"That is what we all expected."
Hiawatha, nothing daunted,
Called for pen and called for paper.
But analysis of variance
Finally produced the figures
Showing beyond all peradventure,
Everybody else was biased.
And the variance components
Did not differ from each other's,
Or from Hiawatha's.
(This last point it might be mentioned,
Would have been much more convincing
If he hadn't been compelled to
Estimate his own components
From experimental plots on
Which the values all were missing.)
Still they couldn't understand it,
So they couldn't raise objections.
(Which is what so often happens
with analysis of variance.)
All the same his fellow tribesmen,
Ignorant benighted heathens,
Took away his bow and arrows,
Said that though my Hiawatha
Was a brilliant statistician,
He was useless as a bowman.
As for variance components
Several of the more outspoken
Make primeval observations
Hurtful of the finer feelings
Even of the statistician.
In a corner of the forest
Sits alone my Hiawatha
Permanently cogitating
On the normal law of errors.
Wondering in idle moments
If perhaps increased precision
Might perhaps be sometimes better
Even at the cost of bias,
If one could thereby now and then
Register upon a target.
W. E. Mientka, "Professor Leo Moser -- Reflections of a Visit"
American Mathematical Monthly, Vol. 79, Number 6 (June-July, 1972)
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A mathematician named Klein
Thought the Mobius Band was divine.
Said he, "If you glue
The edges of two
You get a weird bottle like mine."
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A challenge for many long ages
Had baffled the savants and sages.
Yet at last came the light:
Seems old Fermat was right--
To the margin add 200 pages.
-- Paul Chernoff
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_There Once Was a Breathy Baboon_ by Sir Arthur Eddington
There once was a breathy baboon
Who always breathed down a bassoon,
For he said, "It appears
That in billions of years
I shall certainly hit on a tune."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=1.5 QUOTES
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From: ph2008@mail.bris.ac.uk (CJ. Bradfield)philosophy:
"A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat
which isn't there" - Charles Darwin
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"A person who can, within a year, solve x^2 - 92y^2 = 1 is a mathematician."
-- Brahmagupta
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Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he
is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not
make messes in the house. -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
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Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated. -- M. C. Reed.
M__________________________________________________________________________
"The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who
make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians
have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine
man in the bonds of Hell." -- St. Augustine
P.S. Augustine did really say that, but in his time there was no difference
between mathematicans and astrologists. Astrologists told the future,
which was diabolic.
M__________________________________________________________________________
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
-- Albert Einstein
M__________________________________________________________________________
Mathematics contains much that will neither hurt one if one does not know
it nor help one if one does know it. - J.B. Mencken
*M_________________________________________________________________________
Mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know what we
are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true
-- Bertrand Russel
*M_________________________________________________________________________
The power of dealing with numbers is a kind of "detached lever" arrangement
, which may be put into a mighty poor watch. I suppose it is as common as
the power of moving ears voluntarily, which is a moderately rare endowment.
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes
*M_________________________________________________________________________
The cowboys have a way of trussing up a steer or a pugnacious bronce which
fixes the brute so that it can neither move nor think. This is the
hog-tie, and it is what Euclid did to geometry. -- Eric Temple Bell
*M_________________________________________________________________________
It is a pleasant surprise to him [the pure mathematician] and an added
problem if he finds that the arts can use his calculations, or that the
senses can verify them, much as if a composer found that the sailors could
heave better when singing his songs -- George Santayana
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=2. PHYSICS
MP_________________________________________________________________________
From: shhong@chiak.kaist.ac.kr (Hong Seongho)
Theoretical Physics is a science locally isomorphic to Mathematics.
P__________________________________________________________________________
On the heater lies a tile.
The teacher asks: "Why does the the tile warmer at the side that lies at
the far side of the heater?".
The student stammers :"Eh, maybe because of the heat conduction and so?"
Teacher: "No, because I just turned it around."
P__________________________________________________________________________
Formula: "Energy equals milk chocolate square"
P__________________________________________________________________________
benker@cae.wisc.edu
Two atoms were walking down the street. One turns to the other and says, "Oh,
no! I think I'm an ion!"
The other responds, "Are you sure?!?"
"Yes, I'm positive!"
P__________________________________________________________________________
A hydrogen atom came running into a police station asking for help....
Hydrogen atom: Someone just stole my electron!!
Policeman: Are you sure?
Hydrogen atom: Yes, I'm positive
From: freya@ccwf.cc.utexas.edu (Smile)
policeman: Oh, I thought you were just being negative again.
P__________________________________________________________________________
From: dsmillie@superior.carleton.ca (David Smillie)
Two sodium atoms are flying around a cyclotron. Suddenly the first atom
said to the second, `Hey, I think I've just lost an electron.'
`Are you sure?' asked the second atom.
`Yeah,' said the first, `I'm positive.'
Of course, the _real_ joke is that neither sodium atom could have been
flying around the cyclotron in the first place, unless they were _already_
ionized.
(collapses to the floor, gasping for breath and chuckling hysterically
while everyone else in the room edges nervously away)
P__________________________________________________________________________
From: harper@kauri.vuw.ac.nz (John Harper)
every couple has its moment, especially
P__________________________________________________________________________
From: zdxc0d@amoco.com (David Crowson)
Physicists at Harwell have discovered the heaviest element
known to science, named Administratum. The new element has no
protons or electrons, and has an atomic number of zero.
However, it does have one neutron, eight assistant neutrons,
ten executive neutrons, 35 vice neutrons and 258 assistant
vice neutrons.
Administratum has an atomic mass of 311=, since the neutron
is only detectable half of the time. Its 312 particles are
held together by a force which involves the continuous
exchange of meson-like particles, called morons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratum is completely inert.
Nevertheless, its presence can be detected because it impedes
every reaction with which it comes into contact. One
experiment, which should have lasted only a few days, is
still running after 2= years due to the addition of just one
milligramme of Administratum.
It is weakly active, and has a normal half-life of
approximately six months. After this time, it does not
actually decay, but undergoes a metamorphosis in which
assistant neutrons, executive neutrons, vice neutrons and
assistant vice neutrons exchange places. This almost
invariably leads to an increase in atomic weight, hence it is
self-sustaining.
Although it occurs widely, Administratum tends to concentrate
around large corporations, research laboratories and
government departments. It can especially be found in
recently re-organised sites, and there is reason to believe
that it is heavily involved in the processes of deforestation
and global warming.
It should be remembered that Administratum is known to be
toxic at all concentrations, and can easily destroy any
productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate.
Numerous attempts have been made to determine how
Administratum can be controlled to prevent irreversible
damage, but results to date are not promising.
From: tornberg@netcom.com (Neal E. Tornberg)
Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally
in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as
government agencies, large corporations and universities and can usually be
found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings.
From: Benjamin.J.Tilly@dartmouth.edu (Benjamin J. Tilly)
One major problem is that proximity to this substance tends to make the
process of getting anything done (such as getting grant money) more
time-consuming, which makes the experiments in question extremely
time-consuming.
P__________________________________________________________________________
Ivan Ivanovich, great russian Scientist does an experiment. He wants
to know how fast a thermometer falls down. He takes a thermometer and
a light, a candle light. He drops both from the 3rd floor and recognices
that they are reaching the ground at the same time. Ivan Ivanovich, great
russian scientific writes in his book: A theomometer falls with the speed
of light.
P__________________________________________________________________________
Somewhere there must be a list of ways to measure the height of a building.
A student is sitting his Physics exam, and quite an important one at
that---maybe his final degree paper or his Oxford Entrance.
Anyway, one of the questions on the paper was to the effect of:
``Q: How could one measure the height of a building using a
barometer?''
Being a wit, in the exam this chap puts:
``A: Drop the barometer from the top of the building and time its
descent. Using the formula `s = ut + a(t^2)/2' and knowing `a' which
is `g' we can calculate the height of the building with reasonable
accuracy.'' He then goes on to describe in more detail the method he
would use.
The examiners were a little concerned. Here was one of their star
students giving an answer they hadn't at all expected.
So they decided to call him in and give him an oral test to decide
whether or not to allow the answer which they did admit was perfectly
valid.
So they called him in and told him he had 15 minutes to make his case.
For ten minutes he said nothing but scribbled away furiously. After
these ten minutes the atmosphere was getting a little tense---this was
meant to be an oral after all, and his degree (or whatever) depended on
it. When they pointed this out to him he said that he was just trying
to get his thoughts in order as there were so many possible solutions.
Here are some of the ones he came up with:
``1: What you wanted me to do, of course, was measure air pressure at
the top and bottom of the building, and from the difference and knowing
the pressure exerted by a column of air of unit height I should be able
to calculate the height of the building. But I thought that would be
terribly inaccurate and the answer I gave in the exam and the following
ones are all potentially more accurate.
2: Measure the length of shadow cast by the bulding and by the
barometer on a sunny day. Knowing the actual height of the barometer
one can compute the height of the building.
3: Tie the barometer to the end of a long bit of string and lower the
barometer from the top of the building to the ground. Measure the
amount of string payed out and you have the height of the building.''
He then gave several more but ended with:
``The best method by far, though, would be to go to the building's
janitor and say `If I give you this shiny new scientific barometer will
you tell me how high this building is?' ''
The student passed his exam.
P__________________________________________________________________________
From: nbuchana@gpu.srv.ualberta.ca (Norm)
I don't know if there is a list, but I can think of a way that only requires two
people, a stopwatch, and an object to drop. You have one person stand at the
top of the building with an object to drop (something that will be slowed
little by air resistance--you will have to correct for this if the building
is fairly tall). The person on the ground can then signal the person on top to
drop the object and then time the fall. The height of the building will then
be (neglecting air resistance):
height = .5 (9.8) t^2 (in meters of course)
Problem solved. It is not the only way to do it obviously but I think it is
an interesting way.
From: Phil Gustafson [phil@rahul.net]
The just-released book, "Expert C Programming (Deep C Secrets)", Peter
van der Linden, SunSoft/Prentice-Hall, ISBN 0-13-177429-8, lists
twenty-one (21) more or less useful ways to measure the height of a
building with a barometer.
(10) Use the barometer as a paperweight while examining the
building plans.
From: ljz@panix.com (Lloyd Zusman)
Uh ... I may be off base here, but my understanding of the original
poster's question was that he or she was looking for some sort of
canonical list of responses to the question, "How does one measure the
height of a building with a barometer?"
There is an apocryphal story about a science professor who asked this
question, looking for the "measure the air pressure at the top,
etc. ..." solution. But some smart-ass student offered one or
more other alternatives, such as ...
Drop the barometer from the top floor and measure the time it takes
to hit the ground.
Offer the barometer to the building owner in return for him telling
you the height (already mentioned in this thread).
Tie a long cable to the barometer and lower it from the top of the
building to the ground, and then measure the length of the cable.
etc. etc.
I know there are quite a few other answers, too ... can anyone think of
any more?
From: gt4495c@prism.gatech.edu (Giannhs)
Use a barometer to reflect a laser beam from the top and measure
the travel time.
Track the shadow of the building posisioning a barometer on the
ground every hour.
Create an explosion on the top and measure the time for the pressure
depression indicated on the barometer.
From: peter@cara.demon.co.uk (Peter Ceresole)
I think it would be simpler to let down a lightly weighted fishing
line, mark it, reel it back and measure it at leisure.
For fun, how about using sound; fire a starting pistol at the bottom,
time the difference of arrival at the top. About a second for the
Empire State building, and of course it'd have to be a damn great gun
to carry over the howl and screech of downtown Gotham. Also, the
detonation might get confused with the sounds of routine crack dealing
below.
From: dehall@hellcat.ecn.uoknor.edu (David Hall)
In response to some question regarding "correct" methods of obtaining an
answer, one of my proffs rattled off the following anecdote:
Three students are given a barometer and told to determine the
height of the clocktower (building at OU).
The first student goes to the clock tower and takes two pressure
readings; one at the top of the tower and one at the bottom of the tower.
Then, based on the pressure differential derrives the correct height.
The second student grabs a stopwatch and the barometer and climbs
to the top of the tower. He throws the barometer off and times how long
it takes to hit the ground. He too derrives the correct height.
The third student takes the baromter to the Physical Plant (folks
who do all maintanence around here) and says to the janitor, "Hey, I'll
give you this cool barometer if you let me see the blueprints to the
clocktower."
All three students get A's.
And then there is trigonometry, gravity force differentials, laser
rangefinding.....and the list goes on.
P__________________________________________________________________________
From: c1prasad@watson.ibm.com (prasad)
Entropy isn't what it used to be...
P__________________________________________________________________________
Why did the cat fall off the roof?
Because he lost his mu. (mew=sound cats make, mu=coeff of friction)
P__________________________________________________________________________
Brownian motion = Jogging girl scout
P__________________________________________________________________________
From: mstueben@tjhsst.vak12ed.edu (Michael A. Stueben)
Question: What is more useful: the sun or the moon?
Answer: The moon, because the moon shines at night when
you want the light, whereas the sun shines
during the day when you don't need it.
P__________________________________________________________________________
Philosophers have long wondered why socks have this habit of
getting lost, and why humans always end up with large
collections of unmatched odd socks. One school of thought says
that socks are very antisocial creatures, and have a deep sense
of rivalry. In particular, two socks of the same design have
feelings of loathing towards each other and hence it is nearly
impossible to pair them (e.g. a blue sock will usually be found
nestling up to a black one, rather than its fellow blue sock).
On the other hand, quantum theorists explain it all by a
generalised exclusion principle --- it is impossible for two
socks to be in the same eigen-state, and when it's in danger of
happening, one of the socks has to vanish. Indeed the
Uncertainty Principle also comes in --- the only time you know
where a sock is, is when you're wearing it, and hence unable to
be sure exactly how fast it's moving. The moment you stop moving
and look at your sock, it then starts falling to pieces,
changing colour, or otherwise becoming indeterminate. Either way,
socks may possess Colour and Strangeness, but they seem to lack
Charm.
P__________________________________________________________________________
The Stanford Linear Accelerator Center was known as SLAC, until the
big earthquake, when it became known as SPLAC.
SPLAC? Stanford Piecewise Linear Accelerator.
P__________________________________________________________________________
THE SEX LIFE OF AN ELECTRON (with unhappy ending)
One night when his charge was at full capacity, Micro Farad decided to
get a cute little coil to discharge him. He picked up Millie Amp and
took her for a ride on his megacycle. They rode across the wheat stone
bridge, around the sine wave, and into the magnetic field next to the
flowing current.
Micro Farad, attracted by Millie's characteristic curve, soon had her
field fully excited. He laid her on the ground potential, raised her
frequency, lowered her resistance, and pulled out his high voltage
probe. He inserted it in parallel and began to short circuit her shunt.
Fully excited, Millie cried out, "ohm, ohm, give me mho". With his tube
at maximum output and her coil vibrating from the current flow, her
shunt soon reached maximum heat. The excessive current had shorted her
shunt, and Micro's capacity was rapidly discharged, and every electron
was drained off. They fluxed all night, tried various connections and
hookings until his bar magnet had lost all of its strength, and he could
no longer generate enough voltage to sustain his collapsing field. With
his battery fully discharged, Micro was unable to excite his tickler, so
they ended up reversing polarity and blowing each other's fuses.
P__________________________________________________________________________
From: Marcel Melters [mac@mcc.iaehv.nl]
THE SEX LIFE OF AN ELECTRON ( with happy ending)
One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro Farad went to see
if he could find a cute little coil to let him discharge.
He picked up Milli Amp, and took her for a ride on his Megacycle.
They rode accross the wheatstone bridge, along the sine wave and
stopped at a magnetic field flowing with current.
Micro Farad soon had her resistance at a minimum level. They laid
against ground level. Micro Farad then inserted his probe in Milli
Amps socket. Mho, Mho, give me Mho, she said.
They fluxed all night, trying out various connections.
Afterwards Milli Amp tried self-induction and damaged her probe.
After this, they went home and oscillated happily ever after.
P__________________________________________________________________________
From: schmid@isi.ee.ethz.ch (Hanspeter Schmid)
At the physics exam:
'Describe the universe (max. 200 words) and give three examples.'
From: garyg@warren.mentorg.com (Gary Gendel)
Sometimes real life is stranger than fiction. My physics final came at
the time when there was a debate whether to allow calculators in the exams.
The Physics department was the first to decide in favor of allowing them,
the 3 hour exam had one question:
Describe the universe, if Planck's constant were equal to 1.
P__________________________________________________________________________
Three Laws of Thermodynamics (paraphrased):
First Law: You can't get anything without working for it.
Second Law: The most you can accomplish by work is to break even.
Third Law: You can't break even.
From: John Vinson [74222.2372@CompuServe.COM]
Ginsberg's Theorem (The modern statement of the three laws of thermodynamics)
1. You can't win.
2. You can't even break even.
3. You can't get out of the game.
4. THE LAW OF ENTROPY:
The perversity of the universe tends towards a maximum.
"Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's Theorem:
"Every majoy philosophy that attempts to make life seem
meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's Theorem.
To wit:
"1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
"2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.
"3. Mysticism is based on the assmuption that you can quit the game."
From R.J.ABBOTT@dundee.ac.uk
Since using the paraphrased laws of thermodynamics in my .sig the
following additions have been sent to me
From: potweed@calvados.apana.org.au (Bernard Booth)
First Law: You can't bet unless you play.
Second Law: The most you can hope for is to break even.
Third Law: You can't break even.
Fourth Law: Once you're born, you can't even get out of the game!
From: N.P.Whittington (N.P.Whittington@spps.hull.ac.uk)
Parodies of the laws of thermodynamics, in a science text book.
1. You can't win, you can only break even.
2. You can only break even at absolute zero.
3. You can never reach absolute zero.
P__________________________________________________________________________
A promising PhD candidate was presenting his thesis at his final
examination. He proceeded with a derivation and ended up with
something like:
F = -MA
He was embarrassed, his supervising professor was embarrassed, and the
rest of the committee was embarrassed. The student coughed nervously
and said "I seem to have made a slight error back there somewhere."
One of the mathematicians on the committee replied dryly, "Either that
or an odd number of them!"
P__________________________________________________________________________
From: nbuchana@gpu.srv.ualberta.ca (Norm)
A probability is a desperate attempt of chaos to become stable.
P__________________________________________________________________________
Heisenberg might have slept here.
P__________________________________________________________________________
From: seashore@pirinen.demon.co.uk (Anetta Meriranta Pirinen)
Schroedinger's Vet: Specializing in gassed cats and monkeys with
Carpal-tunnel syndrome.
P__________________________________________________________________________
A Physicist is explaining a picture: "Of course, these are false colours,
the red is really yellow, the green is really blue and the white is really
brown."
P__________________________________________________________________________
[dnichols@d-and-d.com] Donald Nichols (DoN.):
--- Black Holes are where God is dividing by zero ---
P__________________________________________________________________________
HEAVEN IS HOTTER THAN HELL
The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our
authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as
the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as
the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much
radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much
as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we
receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the
Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will
heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to
the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much
heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for
radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute temperature of the
earth (300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell
cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the
fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which
burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means
that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We
have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C.
-- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972
P__________________________________________________________________________
From: sirius@wam.umd.edu (The Human Neutrino = Linda Harden)
IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS?
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of
living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects
and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only
Santa has ever seen.
2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since
Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist
children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million
according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census)rate of 3.5
children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at
least one good child in each.
3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different
time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to
west(which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This
is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa
has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the
chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the
tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back
into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these
91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course,
we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept),
we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2
million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once
every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.
This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000
times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made
vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per
second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming
that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds),
the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably
described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more
than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could
pull TEN TIMES the normal anoint, we cannot do the job with eight, or even
nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even
counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons.
Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air
resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as
spacecrafts re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer
will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short,
they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer
behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake.The entire
reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa,
meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater
than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim)would be
pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's
dead now.
From: hjiwa@nor.chevron.com Canonical List Of Holiday Humor
Rebuttal: (Jim Mantle, Waterloo Maple Software)
Come on, ya gotta believe! I mean, if you can handle flying furry animals, then
it's only a small step to the rest.
For example;
1) As admitted, it is possible that a flying reindeer can be found. I would
agree that it would be quite an unusual find, but they might exist.
2) You've relied on cascading assumptions. For example, you have assumed a
uniform distribution of children across homes. Toronto/Yorkville, or
Toronto/Cabbagetown, or other yuppie neighbourhoods, have probably less than
the average (and don't forget the DINK and SINK homes (Double Income No Kids,
Single Income No Kids)), while the families with 748 starving children that they
keep showing on Vision TV while trying to pick my pocket would skew that 15% of
homes down a few percent.
3) You've also assumed that each home that has kids would have at least one
good kid. What if anti-selection applies, and homes with good kids tend to have
more than their share of good kids, and other homes have nothing except
terrorists in diapers? Let's drop that number of homes down a few more percent.
4) Santa would have to Fedex a number of packages ahead of time, since he
would not be able to fly into Air Force Bases, or into tower-controlled areas
near airports. He's get shot at over certain sections of the Middle East, and
the no-fly zones in Iraq, so he'd probably use DHL there. Subtract some more
homes.
5) I just barely passed Physics and only read Stephen Hawking's book once,
but I recall that there is some Einsteinian Theory that says time does strange
things as you move faster. In fact, when you go faster than the speed of light
time runs backward, if you do a straight line projection, connect the dots and
just ignore any singularity you might find right at the speed of light. And
don't say you can't go faster than the speed of light because I've seen it done
on TV. Jean-Luc doesn't have reindeer but he does have matter-antimatter warp
engines and a holodeck and that's good enough for me.
So Santa could go faster than light, visit all the good children which are
not uniformly distributed by either concentration in each home or by number of
children per household, and get home before he left so he can digest all those
stale cookies and warm milk yech.
6) Aha, you say, Jean-Luc has matter-antimatter warp engines, Santa only has
reindeer, where does he get the power to move that fast!
You calculated the answer! The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3
quintillion joules of energy. Per second. Each. This is an ample supply of
energy for the maneuvering, acceleration, etc, that would be required of the
loaded sleigh. The reindeer don't evaporate or incinerate because of this
energy, they accelerate. What do you think they have antlers for, fighting over
females? Think of antlers as furry solar array panels.
7) If that's not enough, watch the news on the 24th at 11 o'clock. NORAD
(which may be one of the few government agencies with more than 3 initials in
it's name and therefore it must be more trustworthy than the rest) tracks Santa
every year and I've seen the radar shots of him approaching my house from the
direction of the North Pole. They haven't bombarded him yet, so they must
believe too, right?
Yet another rebuttal to the rebuttal:
Several key points are overlooked by this callous, amateurish "study."
1) Flying reindeer: As is widely known (due to the excellent historical
documentary "Santa Claus is Coming to Town," the flying reindeer are not a
previously unknown species of reindeer, but were in fact given the power of
flight due to eating magic acorns. As is conclusively proven in "Rudolph the
Red-Nosed Reindeer" (a no punches pulled look at life in Santa's village), this
ability has bred true in subsequent generations of reindeer, obviously the magic
acorns imprinted their power on a dominant gene sequence within the reindeer DNA
strand.
2) Number of households: This figure overlooks two key facts. First of all,
the first major schism in the Church split the Eastern Churches, centered in
Byzantium, from the Western, which remained centered in Rome. This occurred
prior to the Gregorian correction to the Julian calendar. The Eastern churches
(currently called Orthodox Churches) do not recognize the Gregorian correction
for liturgical events, and their Christmas is as a result several days after the
Western Churches'. Santa gets two shots at delivering toys.
Secondly, the figure of 3.5 children per household is based on the gross
demographic average, which includes households with no children at all. The
number of children per household, when figured as an average for households with
children, would therefore have to be adjusted upward. Also, the largest single
Christian denomination is Roman Catholic, who, as we all know, breed like
rabbits. If you don't believe me, ask my four brothers and two sisters, they'll
back me up. Due to the predominance of Catholics within Christian households,
the total number of households containing Christian children would have to be
adjusted downward to reflect the overloading of Catholics beyond a standard
deviation from the median.
Also, the assertion that each home would contain at least one good child
would be reasonable enough if there were in fact an even 3.5 children per
household. However, since the number of children per household is distributed
integrally, there are a significant number (on the order of several million) of
one child Christian households. Even though only children are notoriously
spoiled and therefore disproportionately inclined towards being naughty, since
it's the holidays we'll be generous and give them a fifty-fifty chance of
being nice. This removes one half of the single child households from Santa's
delivery schedule, which has already been reduced by the removal of the Orthodox
households from the first delivery run.
3) Santa's delivery run (speed, payload, etc.): These all suffer from the
dubious supposition that there is only one Santa Claus. The name "Santa" is
obviously either Spanish or Italian, two ethnic groups which are both
overwhelmingly Catholic. The last name Claus suggests a joint German/Italian
background. His beginnings, battling the Burgermeister Meisterburger, suggest
he grew up in Bavaria (also predominantly Catholic). The Kaiser style helmets
of the Burgermeister's guards, coupled with the relative isolation of the
village, suggest that his youth was at the very beginning of Prussian influence
in Germany. Thus, Santa and Mrs. Claus have been together for well over one
hundred years. If you think that after a hundred years of living at the North
Pole with nights six months long that they remain childless, you either don't
know Catholics or are unaware of the failure rate of the rhythm method. There
have therefore been over five generations of Clauses, breeding like Catholics
for over one hundred years. Since they are Catholic, their exponential
population increase would obviously have a gain higher than the world population
as a whole. There have therefore been more than enough new Santas to overcome
the population increase of the world. So in fact, Santa has an easier time of
it now than he did when he first started out.
Santa dead, indeed; some people will twist any statistic to "prove" their
cynical theory.
P__________________________________________________________________________
From: billyfish@aol.com (BillyFish)
One day in class, Richard Feynman was talking about angular momentum. He
described rotation matrices and mentioned that they did not commute. He
said that Sir William Hamilton discovered noncommutivity one night when he
was taking a walk in his garden with Lady Hamilton. As they sat down on a
bench, there was a moment of passion. It was then that he discovered that
AB did not equal BA.
P__________________________________________________________________________
There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the
existence of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any
marginally competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat
engine and make some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is
obviously impossible. -- Richard Davisson
*P_________________________________________________________________________
From: ekstrom@pacificrim.net (Philip A. Ekstrom)
Whatever the temperature of hell, I can prove that it is isothermal.
We must begin by assuming that there is at least one physicist in hell. Most
of us can think of a particular example.
Now assume that some portion of hell is out of equilibrium, a bit hotter or
colder than the rest. If so, then that physicist would build a heat engine
and extract some energy, and use that energy to run a refrigerator. He would
cool some other part of hell down until it was comfortable.
But it is contrary to the definition of hell that any part of it should be
comfortable. QED.
P__________________________________________________________________________
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant
biology.
P__________________________________________________________________________
Anything that doesn't matter has no mass.
P__________________________________________________________________________
From tellen@mtg.mt.com Thu Nov 24 15:19:01 1994
From: "Jean-Maurice Tellenbach" [tellen@mtg.mt.com]
The second world war is the best demonstration of relativity...
The high energy density variations of vacuum are mainly produced within
brains.
The Physicist : "The positron will be dramatically modified by meeting an
electron"
The President : "You said ... position and ... election ??"
P__________________________________________________________________________
From: mj@redbud (MJ Kahn) Lightbulb list
Q: How many general relativists does it take to change a light bulb.
A: Two. One holds the bulb, while the other rotates the universe.
From:BRIAN6@VAXC.MDX.AC.UK (cannonical lightbulb collection)
Q: How many quantum physicists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One. Two to do it, and one to renormalise the wave function.
(Explanation - Renormalising the wave function is something that has to be
done to a lot of quantum physics calculations to stop the answer being
infinity and makes the answer always come out as one.)
Q: How many quantum mechanicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They can't. If they know where the socket is, they cannot locate the
new bulb.
Q: How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If you know the number, you don't know where the light bulb is.
Q: How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, astronomers prefer the dark.
Q: How many radio astronomers does it take to change a light bulb.
A: None. They are not interested in that short wave stuff.
From: Joao Batista [fbatista@cc.fc.ul.pt]
Q: How many particle physicists are necessary to change a light bulb?
A: Two hundred: 136 to smash it up + 64 to analyse the tiny pieces.
From: mj@redbud (MJ Kahn) Lightbulb list
The Dark Sucker Theory (courtesy of rec.humor.d)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light,
but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't
emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers.
The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove
that dark has mass and is heavier than light.
First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs
suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in.
There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. The
larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark.
Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck
dark than the ones in this room.
So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once they are
full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the dark spot
on a full Dark Sucker. The dark which has been absorbed is then
transmitted by pylons along to power plants where the machinery uses
fossil fuel to destroy it.
A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick.
You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing
all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you put a pencil next to
the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is because
it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. One of the
disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range.
There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can't
handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage
Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied
or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again.
Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from
the mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating
Dark Sucker. Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel
into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a
great amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating
candle. This is easily proven for lightbulbs too. When you compress a
gas, it gets hot, right? So the light bulb gets hot because of all the
dark being squished into the wires.
Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below
the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to
slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and
darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This
is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the
lighter light floats at the top. The is why it is called light.
Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were
to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly
opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet.
But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave
the closet. So next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is
not a light emitter but a Dark Sucker.
The following line doesn't quite fit into the theory but almost does : -
Ever seen the blue glow in vacuum tubes? That's because electrons are blue.
P__________________________________________________________________________
From: randy@aplcorejhuapl.edu (Randall C. Poe)
Here's a joke on the physicists which could be an absolutely true story
in my opinion:
The experimentalist comes running excitedly into the theorist's office,
waving a graph taken off his latest experiment. "Hmmm," says the theorist,
"That's exactly where you'd expect to see that peak. Here's the reason
(long logical explanation follows)." In the middle of it, the experimentalist
says "Wait a minute", studies the chart for a second, and says, "Oops, this
is upside down." He fixes it. "Hmmm," says the theorist, "you'd expect
to see a dip in exactly that position. Here's the reason...".
P__________________________________________________________________________
From: s5100101@nickel.laurentian.ca
Q: What is a tachyon?
A: A sub-atomic particle devoid of good taste.
P__________________________________________________________________________
From: s5100101@nickel.laurentian.ca
Albert Einstein had been working on his theory of relativity a lot
and he was just about finished. He was almost ready to publish his work.
However, he was under a lot of stress so he thought he would go on vacation to
Mexico.
Albert had a glorious two week vacation and was having the time of his
life. On the last night he was staying there he decided to take a walk along
the beach and watch the sunset.
As he watched the sun go down he thought of the light of the sun and
then the speed of light. You see, he had been using the speed of light in a
lot of his calculations but he didn't decided on what symbol to use for it.
Greek had been so overused.
Just at that moment Senior Wensez was also walking along the beach in
the opposite direction. Albert caught him out of the corner of his eye and
remarked suddenly, "Do you not zink zat zee speed of light is very fast?"
Senior Wensez paused for a moment and replied, "Si."
P__________________________________________________________________________
Polymer physicists are into chains.
*P_________________________________________________________________________
From: Chris Morton (mortoncp@nextwork.rose-hulman.edu) do it collection
From: Joao Batista [fbatista@cc.fc.ul.pt] & From: rgep@pmms.cam.ac.uk (Richard Pinch)
Dyslexic Particle Physicists do it with hadrons.
Particle physicists do it energetically.
Physicists do it a quantum at a time.
Physicists do it at two places in the universe at one time.
Physicists do it attractively.
Physicists do it energetically.
Physicists do it in black holes.
Physicists do it in waves.
Physicists do it like Einstein.
Physicists do it magnetically.
Physicists do it on accelerated frames.
Physicists do it particularly.
Physicists do it repulsively.
Physicists do it strangely.
Physicists do it up and down, with charming color, but strange!
Physicists do it with Tensors.
Physicists do it with black bodies
Physicists do it with charm.
Physicists do it with large expensive machinery.
Physicists do it with rigid bodies.
Physicists do it with the help of an absolute Bohr (ouch!).
Physicists do it with their vectors.
Physicists do it with uniform harmonic motion.
Physicists get a big bang.
Physics majors do it at the speed of light.
Plasma physicists do it with everything stripped off.
Astronomers do it all night.
Astronomers do it in the dark.
Astronomers do it under the stars.
Astronomers do it while gazing at Uranus.
Astronomers do it with Uranus.
Astronomers do it with long tubes.
Astronomers do it with stars.
Astronomers do it telescopically.
Astronomers do it on mountain tops.
Electron microscopists do it 100,000 times.
Rocket scientists do it with higher thrust.
Quantum mechanics do it in leaps.
Spectroscopists do it until it hertz.
Spectroscopists do it with frequency and intensity.
Physicists do it with string and sealing-wax.
Quantum theorists do it in tiny tiny pieces.
Quantum theorists do it uncertainly.
Fluid dynamicists do it in jets.
Fluid dynamicists do it in the bath.
Fluid dynamicists do it in vortices.
Particle physicists do it expensively.
Particle physicists do it with charm.
P__________________________________________________________________________
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.
Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on,
but it was moving very fast.
Newton:
1) Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to
cross the road.
2) It was pushed on the road.
3) It was pushed on the road by another chicken, which went away from
the road.
4) It was attracted to a chicken on the other side of the road.
Wolfgang Pauli: There already was a chicken on this side of the road.
P__________________________________________________________________________
From: sirius@wam.umd.edu (The Human Neutrino)
HEAVY BOOTS
About 6-7 years ago, I was in a philosophy class at the University of
Wisconsin, Madison (good science/engineering school) and the teaching
assistant was explaining Descartes. He was trying to show how things
don't always happen the way we think they will and explained that,
while a pen always falls when you drop it on Earth, it would just
float away if you let go of it on the Moon.
My jaw dropped a little. I blurted "What?!" Looking around the room,
I saw that only my friend Mark and one other student looked confused
by the TA's statement. The other 17 people just looked at me like
"What's your problem?"
"But a pen would fall if you dropped it on the Moon, just more
slowly." I protested.
"No it wouldn't." the TA explained calmly, "because you're too far
away from the Earth's gravity."
Think. Think. Aha! "You saw the APOLLO astronauts walking around on
the Moon, didn't you?" I countered, "why didn't they float away?"
"Because they were wearing heavy boots." he responded, as if this made
perfect sense (remember, this is a Philosophy TA who's had plenty of
logic classes).
By then I realized that we were each living in totally different
worlds, and did not speak each others language, so I gave up. As we
left the room, my friend Mark was raging. "My God! How can all those
people be so stupid?"
I tried to be understanding. "Mark, they knew this stuff at one time,
but it's not part of their basic view of the world, so they've
forgotten it. Most people could probably make the same mistake."
To prove my point, we went back to our dorm room and began randomly
selecting names from the campus phone book. We called about 30 people
and asked each this question:
1. If you're standing on the Moon holding a pen, and you let go,
will it a) float away, b) float where it is, or c) fall to the
ground?
About 47 percent got this question correct. Of the ones who got
it wrong, we asked the obvious follow-up question:
2. You've seen films of the APOLLO astronauts walking around on the
Moon, why didn't they fall off?
About 20 percent of the people changed their answer to the first
question when they heard this one! But the most amazing part was
that about half of them confidently answered, "Because they were
wearing heavy boots."
P__________________________________________________________________________
From: Tim.Nelson@Canada.ATTGIS.COM (list of Old * Never Die, they just)
OLD ASTRONAUTS never die, they just go to another world
OLD ATOMS never die, they just decay
OLD LASER PHYSICISTS never die, they just become incoherent
OLD METEORS never die, they just burn up
OLD NUCLEAR POWER PLANTS never die, they just go off-line
OLD PLANETS never die, they just lose their attraction
OLD THERMODYNAMICISTS never die, they just achieve their state -
- of maximum entropy
P__________________________________________________________________________
From: joeshmoe@world.std.com (Jascha Franklin-Hodge) (List of Taglines)
Plasma is another matter.
Interstellar Matter is a Gas
It's worse than that, it's physics, Jim!
"Apple" (c) 6024 b.c., Adam & Eve
"Apple" (c) Copyright 1767, Sir Isaac Newton.
"The faster you go, the shorter you are" - Einstein
A stitch in time would have confused Einstein.
And God said: E = +mv} - Ze}/r ...and there *WAS* light!
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
Black Holes are Out of Sight
Black Holes were created when God divided by zero!
Black holes really suck...
The Universe is a big place... perhaps the biggest
The Hubbell works fine; all that stuff IS blurry!
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
Friction can be a drag sometimes.
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
Gravity: Not just a good idea...it's the LAW.
How many weeks are there in a light year?
Jet Engine Theory -Suck, Squeeze, Bang, Blow!
Power corrupts, but we need electricity.
Resistance Is Useless! (If [ 1 ohm)
Supernovae are a Blast
P__________________________________________________________________________
Two electron convicts are sitting in a jail cell together.
The first one says, "What are you in for?"
The second one says, "For attempting a forbidden transition."
P__________________________________________________________________________
Q: How does Santa deliver presents all over the world on Christmas Eve?
A: With Rudolf the red-shift reindeer.
P__________________________________________________________________________
Gravity brings me down
Neutrinos have bad breadth (J.F. FreemanIII, Raleigh, N.C.)
P__________________________________________________________________________
Q: What do physicist enjoy doing the most at baseball games?
A: The 'wave'.
P__________________________________________________________________________
Q: What is uttered by a sick duck?
A: Quark!
P__________________________________________________________________________
Q: What is an astronomical unit?
A: One helluva big apartment
P_________________________________________________________________________
Q: How many kinds of physicists are there?
A: Three. Those who can count and those who can't.
P__________________________________________________________________________
Law of Selective Gravity:
An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
Jenning's Corollary:
The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is
directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
P__________________________________________________________________________
The Heineken Uncertainty Principle:
You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
P__________________________________________________________________________
From:ozbrown@sage.cc.purdue.edu (Paul Raymond "OZZY" Brown)
Spell Checked and reformatted by Nathan Mates (nathan@visi.com)
As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards
legislation which requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that
present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary
thought that such warnings, however well-intentioned, merely scratch the
surface of what is really necessary in this important area. This is especially
true in light of the findings of 20th century physics.
We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join together
in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the conspicuous placement
of suitably informative warnings on the packaging of every product offered for
sale in the United States of America. Our suggested list of warnings appears
below.
WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe,
Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to
the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between
Them.
CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million
Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.
HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged
Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.
CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for
the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is
and How Fast It Is Moving.
(Note: This one is optional on the grounds that Heisenburg was never quite
sure that his principle was correct)
ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a
Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from
Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe,
Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible
for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.
READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested Versions of
the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting this Product May
Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.
THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise
Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.
PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner
Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No
Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will
Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.
NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a
"Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power
Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.
ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the
Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of
99.9999999999% Empty Space.
NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically Be
Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional. However, the Consumer
Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those
Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are
"Rolled Up" into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be Detected.
PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is
Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only
in a Vague and Undetermined State.
COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons,
etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect
as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the
Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.
HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass,
and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.
IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This
Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should
Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That
Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.
(The above is from Volume 36, Number 1 of The Journal of Irreproducible Results.
Copyright 1991 Blackwell Scientific Publications Inc.)
Cartoon Law of Physics
P__________________________________________________________________________
From: http://www.visi.com/~nathan/humor/canon/index.html, maintained
by Nathan Mates (nathan@visi.com)
Cartoon Law I
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its
situation.
Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters
in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At
this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second
takes over.
Cartoon Law II
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
intervenes suddenly. Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on
foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a
telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion
absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion
the stooge's surcease.
Cartoon Law III
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
conforming to its perimeter.
Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality
of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who
are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a
house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or
matrimony often catalyses this reaction.
Cartoon Law IV
The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than
or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to
spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.
Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it
inevitably unsuccessful.
Cartoon Law V
All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them
directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an
adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the
cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet
of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need
never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
Cartoon Law VI
As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a
character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation
at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among
bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A `wacky' character has
the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may
ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.
Cartoon Law VII
Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel
entrances; others cannot.
This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least
it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick
an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space.
The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow
into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.
Cartoon Law VIII
Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives
might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed,
accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be
destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate,
elongate, snap back, or solidify.
Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.
Cartoon Law IX
Everything falls faster than an anvil.
P_________________________________________________________________________
From: James W Walden [jw63+@andrew.cmu.edu]
"Truth decays into beauty, while beauty soon becomes merely charm. Charm
ends up as strangeness, and even that doesn't last, but up and down are
forever." - The Laws of Physics
P_________________________________________________________________________
From: jasonp@wam.umd.edu (Jason Stratos Papadopoulos)
PROOF THE EARTH IS FLAT
Hello. If anyone out there watched a Learning Channel show "In Search of
the Edge of the World", they heard some pretty bizarre (though creative)
conclusive proofs the earth is flat. A sampler:
According to the theory of continental drift, all the continents can
shift about the surface of the earth as if on a bed of some viscous
fluid. Were the earth round and rotating, centrifugal force would make
all the continents slosh to the equator, but this is a contradiction,
as it is not the actual case. QED
A plumb bob always points to the center of the earth (assuming the
earth is a sphere). Then a plumb bob used by someone else in a different
place would make a different angle to an impartial observer. Since
builders use plumb bobs to make buildings stick straight up, any
building of sufficient size would then be larger on the top floor than
on the bottom floor, but this is a contradiction. QED
And a few refutations of established results:
Ptolemy (?) proposed the earth was round and proved it by figuring its
radius based on the angle the sun made with Alexandria on the same day
it was directly over another city (7.2 deg.). Flat Earthers insist that
this is only an assumption; if the earth was flat the experiment would
still yield meaningful results, since the system is then a right tri-
angle and the sun would therefore be 4,000 miles away.
And for all those who need visual proof and are satisfied with satellite
photos, Flat Earthers cite Einstein's general theory of relativity and
its proclaiming that light bends in the presence of massive objects;
thus what is actually flat appears to cameras as round. This phenomenon
also explains why ships appear to rise out of the horizon.
Finally, a story I read elsewhere: a researcher at some lab once got a
letter from a very distressed Flat Earther, who had heard that the
Soviets (I guess 1950s?) were going to detonate a nuclear bomb. Newton's
third law would then dictate that the (flat) earth would then tilt toward
the USSR, and everybody would slide off. The researcher wrote back that
all was well, and that we in U.S. of A. planned to detonate a similar
bomb at the same instant on OUR end of the world, thus cancelling the
torque the Soviet bomb created.
The researcher was given a dressing-down when the Flat Earther wrote
a letter of commendation and praise to the researcher's boss.
P__________________________________________________________________________
jotero@ix.netcom.com (Jose Otero)
Astromers's pickupline:your telescope or mine?
From: becker@hal4.usm.uni-muenchen.de (Sylvia R. Becker)
...my computer doesn't understand me anymore... might be a possibility, too.
P__________________________________________________________________________
From: sdnaik@iastate.edu
The wireless telegraph is not difficult to understand. The
ordinary telegraph is like a very long cat. You pull the
tail in New York, and it meows in Los Angeles. The
wireless is the same, only without the cat. - Albert Einstein
P__________________________________________________________________________
From: an216284@anon.penet.fi (YUMMYYAMS)
Overheard after a student failed a physics test miserably:
Nuclear, Hydrogen, Atomic, My test- They can all be bombs.
P__________________________________________________________________________
From: kovarik@mcmail.cis.mcmaster.ca (Zdislav V. Kovarik)
A math&physics student was hit by a brick falling from a house. He
fainted, but came to after a while and started smiling. The onlookers
were worried, so they asked him why the smile. "I just realized how lucky
I am because the kinetic energy is only half m v squared."
P__________________________________________________________________________
From: kim@shell.portal.com (Kim DeVaughn)
"Quantum mechanics, hmmm. You put a cat in a box, along with a hammer and
some poison and a radioactive isotope ... I forget exactly how this goes.
Anyway, keep some bandages on hand, because I guarantee the cat won't be
happy." -Jack-Jack Snyder
*P_________________________________________________________________________
From: Robert M Chittister [rc5x+@andrew.cmu.edu]
CRAZED PHYSICS TEST ANSWER
1] A shotgun shooting 12 pellets of 00 Buckshot weighing 4g leave the
barrel at 1125 fps. Assuming the average infant will absorb 127.3 f/lbs
before disintegrating, how many babies will the average blast cut
through (rounding off to the nearest whole number)?
eight.
2] A 100 kg man is being swung by his entrails in a circle 16'in radius
at the rate of 1600 radians/sec. Find the tension in the man's entrails
(ignoring the effects of gravity).
65,024 Newtons.
3] A pagan priest attempts to vaporize a young virgin by placing her in a
flaming pit. Assuming the woman, weighing 120 lbs, is completely
composed of water, how much energy will he have to use to completely
vaporize her?
130,000 BTU
4] An infant has a tensile strength of 400 psi and has a cross
sectional area of 23.4 sq. inches. Assuming it is 23" long and has an
elongation percentage of .0036%/120psi at roomtemperature, how long will
the baby be before it is dismembered?
about 26.45 inches.
5] A 12 year old blind orphan girl is shot from a cannon at the speed
of 1200 fps at a solid brick wall. Calculate the force of impact given
that the brick wall is 3 feet away from the barrel.
if she weighs 50 lbs, and all of her sticks to the wall,
3.3 million Newtons.
6] A large plane weighing 12.7 M tons carrying 12 tons of nuns and
orphans travelling at 724.46 kph and at an altitude of 40,000 meters
suffers explosive decompression above the center of a 30km diameter
population. Assuming that one passenger is sucked out every second, how
many passengers will land within the population center?
about (give or take a torso or leg) 12.
7] A 1000 lb car is moving at 130 mph and two poodles whose combined
weight is 82 lbs are thrown out the back at 3 mph. Calculate the
velocity of the car.
140.91 happy mph.
8] Farmer Brown is selling apples for 12 cents a dozen in a room where
a torch has a brightness of 120 candela is 12 ft froma 14.36 sq meter
surface.Assuming a light bulb 17.3 cubits fromthe surface has a
brightness of 129 candlepower and gives offheat of 1.27 BTU and the room
is 423 degrees Kelvin; assuming thethe pressure in the room is 1100
millibar; assuming the lightbulb is rotating at 4 pi radians per half
minute, with the power source of the bulb a battery giving off energy at
a rate of 12000000 terrajoules per exasecond; assuming the coefficient
offriction at the base of the rotating lightbulb is 1.679 E9;assuming
the room is being launched at 50 times escape velocity;assuming it
collides with the moon in a perfectly elastic collision, when the room
returns to the earth 6 days 4 hours 20 minutes 35 seconds and 12
nanoseconds later, how much does Farmer Brown sell one apple for?
still one cent, but all thats left is well-done applesaus,
*P_________________________________________________________________________
From: Erin Leonard (not:Mariella Wells) Merit [wellsm@hsdemo.merit.edu]
Copernicus' parents: Copernicus, young man, when are you going to come to
terms with the fact that the world does not revolve around you?!
*P_________________________________________________________________________
From: Erin Leonard (not:Mariella Wells) Merit [wellsm@hsdemo.merit.edu]
Fortune teller: Do the stars and planets control our lives? No; the IRS
maybe, but not the stars and planets.
*P_________________________________________________________________________
From: Edward Ruden [ruden@plk.af.mil]
An astronomer is on an expedition to Darkest Africa to observe a total eclipse
of the sun, which will only be observable there, when he's captured by
cannibals. The eclipse is due the next day around noon. To gain his freedom
he plans to pose as a god and threaten to extinguish the sun if he's not
released, but the timing has to be just right. So, in the few words of the
cannibals' primative tongue that he knows, he asks his guard what time they
plan to kill him.
The guard's answer is, "Tradition has it that captives are to be killed when
the sun reaches the highest point in the sky on the day after their capture so
that they may be cooked and ready to be served for the evening meal".
"Great", the astronomy replies.
The guard continues, though, "But because everyone's so excited about it,
in your case we're going to wait until after the eclipse."
*P_________________________________________________________________________
From: Edward Ruden [ruden@plk.af.mil]
A Princeton plasma physicist is at the beach when he discovers a ancient
looking oil lantern sticking out of the sand. He rubs the sand off with a
towel and a genie pops out. The genie offers to grant him one wish. The
physicist retrieves a map of the world from his car an circles the Middle East
and tells the genie, "I wish you to bring peace in this region".
After 10 long minutes of deliberation, the genie replies, "Gee, there are lots
of problems there with Lebanon, Iraq, Israel, and all those other places. This
is awfully embarrassing. I've never had to do this before, but I'm just going
to have to ask you for another wish. This one is just too much for me".
Taken aback, the physicist thinks a bit and asks, "I wish that the Princton
tokamak would achieve scientific fusion energy break-even."
After another deliberation the genie asks, "Could I see that map again?"
*P_________________________________________________________________________
From: johncobb@uts.cc.utexas.edu (John W. Cobb)
I had a professor who said that "physicists have a knack for jumping into
mathematical cesspools and coming out smelling like a rose"
*P_________________________________________________________________________
From: emilsson@aries.scs.uiuc.edu (Tryggvi Emilsson)
Historians have concluded that W.Heisenberg must have been contemplating
his love life when he discovered the Uncertainty Principle:
-When he had the time,he didn't have the energy
and,
-When the moment was right,he couldn't figure out the position...
*P_________________________________________________________________________
From: rhi@festival.ed.ac.uk (Rhiannon Macfie)
The particle physicist was tired of his work - he'd been trying to discover the
loveton (the hypothetical particle that carries the force of attraction between
two people) and he was getting nowhere. `What I need,' he said to himself, `is a
good long holiday doing somthing completely different.' So he went to his travel
agent and got some holiday brochures and looked through them, trying to decide
what to do. Skiing in the Alps? No - too near CERN. Scuba diving on the barrier
reef? No - he'd forever be trying to calculate the pressure he was under at any
particular depth. At last, just as he was about to give up and go back to his
collider, he spotted a small ad in the classified section that appeard to be
just the thing. `SAILING HOLIDAYS', it declared. `Come and be part of the crew of
a sailing vessel. Get away from it all.'
Well, this looked like just the thing, so he picked up the phone and dialled the
number. A voice answered. `Yes?'
`Uhmmm, well, I saw your advertisement, and I was wondering if I might book a
place on one of your sailing holidays..?'
`Ah, well, you'd have to speak to the Captain of the ship about that. Hang on,
and I'll get him for you.'
A long pause. Finally, a deep gruff voice came on. `Captain Higgs speaking. You
want to go on the sailing trip?'
`Yes,' answered the physicist.
`Well, you're only just in time. We leave next week, and there's only two places
left. Would you rather be the cook or the bo'sun?'
The physicist thought for a minute. `I'd rather be the bo'sun, I think,' he said
at last.
`Good.. ' replied the captain, and then went on to give details of where and when
the ship was leaving. Next week, the physicist was sailing for foreign shores.
He had a wonderful time on the ship, and came back to his work refreshed and
ready to go (though he never did discover the loveton). He never did forget
the trip, or the holiday he spent as Higg's Bo'sun.
*P_________________________________________________________________________
From: wshaw@gate.net (William Shaw)
When light passes from one medium to another, it obeys a set of partial
differential equations (which "optimize" the path as it were). The light
"slows down" for the amount of time it takes for it to solve the
equations. But if the light is experienced enough, it can solve the
equations faster than when it first started out.
Truly retarded light has so much trouble solving the equations
that it just gives up and bounces back into the original medium
(roughly four percent?)...
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=2.1 PHYSICS POETRY
P__________________________________________________________________________
robertk@xmission.com (robertk):
There once was a fellow named Fisk
Whose fencing was exceedingly brisk.
So fast was his action
That by the Fitzgerald Contraction
His rapier soon was reduced to a disk.
P__________________________________________________________________________
From: slw1@ellis.uchicago.edu (SluT)
There was a young fellow named Fisk
Whose stroke was exceedingly brisk
By relative action
The Lorenz contraction
Had reduced his dong to a disk.
P__________________________________________________________________________
From: blc@solomon.technet.sg (Brian Cohen)
A mathematician named Hall
had a hexahedronical ball.
The cube of its weight,
times his pecker plus eight
is his phonenumber. Give him a call!
P__________________________________________________________________________
robertk@xmission.com (robertk) writes:
There once was a fellow named Blight
Whose speed was much faster than light.
He sat off one day
In a relative way
and returned on the previous night.
We've heard of that fellow named Blight,
And his trip on that fabulous night,
But his increasing mass
Would have soon proved so vast
He'd have been a most *singular* sight!
P__________________________________________________________________________
From: jim.henry@ftl.mese.com (Jim Henry)
A quantum mechanic's vacation
Had his colleagues in dire consternation.
For while studies had shown
That his speed was well known,
His position was pure speculation.
(Not sure who wrote that one.)
I saw an old fellow of Sirius,
I thought I was merely delirious.
But he ate me with zeal,
I'm convinced he was real
That zealous old gourmand of Sirius.
(I wrote that one.)
P__________________________________________________________________________
From: Ken & Jo Walton (Magellan@kenjo.demon.co.uk)
There was a young lady called Bright
Who could travel much faster than light.
She set out one day
In a relative way
And returned on the previous night.
*P_________________________________________________________________________
From: rrcraig@eos.ncsu.edu (Ralph Ray Craig)
There was a young couple named Bright
Whose fucking was faster than light
They went at it one day
In a relative way
And came on the previous night.
P__________________________________________________________________________
Relativity
Said Einstein, "I have an equation,"
"Which some might call Rabelaisian:"
"Let P be viginity,"
"Approaching infinity,"
"And let U be a constant, persuasion."
"Now, if P over U be inverted,"
"And the squareroot of U be inserted,"
"X times over P,"
"The result, Q.E.D."
"Is a relative." Einstein asserted.
P__________________________________________________________________________
From: Colin_Douthwaite@equinox.gen.nz (Colin Douthwaite)
There's a wonderful family named Stein,
There's Ep, there's Gert, and there's Ein.
Ep's statues are junk,
Gert's poems are bunk,
And nobody understands Ein.
P__________________________________________________________________________
Twinkle, twinkle little star,
I don't wonder what you are
For by the spectroscopic ken
I know that you are hydrogen
Big whirls have little whirls
That feed on their velocity;
And little whirls have lesser whirls,
and so on to viscosity.
-Lewis Fry Richardson
P__________________________________________________________________________
From: sdnaik@iastate.edu
Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light. -- Alexander Pope
It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo. -- Sir John Collings Squire
*P_________________________________________________________________________
When Newton saw an apple fall, he found ...
a mode of proving that the earth turn'd round
in a most natural whirl, called gravitation;
and thus is the sole mortal who could grapple
since Adam, with a fall or with an apple -- Byron.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=2.2 Quotes
P__________________________________________________________________________
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms. - George Wald
P__________________________________________________________________________
All science is either physics or stamp collecting. -- E. Rutherford
P__________________________________________________________________________
On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague:
"This isn't right. This isn't even wrong." -- Wolfgang Pauli
P__________________________________________________________________________
"One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that
sometimes you must work under adverse conditions ... like a state of
sheer terror." -- W. K. Hartmann
P__________________________________________________________________________
From: aephraim@physics5 (Aephraim M. Steinberg)
To this day, lab directors keep a physics lecture on hand [to disperse
rabble-rousers]. Let us pray we never need to use it." -- Lederman
P__________________________________________________________________________
p.austin@info.curtin.edu.au (Peter Austin)
"Very strange people, physicists - in my experience the ones who aren't
dead are in some way very ill"
-Mr Standish "The Long Dark Tea-Time Of The Soul" by Douglas Adams
P__________________________________________________________________________
From: sichase@csa5.lbl.gov (SCOTT I CHASE)
Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time
raising money. -Leon Lederman
P__________________________________________________________________________
From: aephraim@physics5 (Aephraim M. Steinberg)
WHY must I treat the measuring device classically?? What will happen
to me if I don't??" - Eugene Wigner
P__________________________________________________________________________
From: c1prasad@watson.ibm.com (prasad)
What is mind? No matter.
What is matter? Never mind. - Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875
P__________________________________________________________________________
Fermi was asked what characteristics physics Nobelists had in common.
He answered, "I cannot think of a single one, not even intelligence."
(Phys Today, Oct 1994, pg70)
P__________________________________________________________________________
From: kitchse@mail.auburn.edu (Susan E Kitchens)
One of my favorite quotes from Einstein is:
"Gravitation can not be held resposible for people falling in love"
P__________________________________________________________________________
From: Colin_Douthwaite@equinox.gen.nz (Colin Douthwaite)
Here are some more Einstein quotes:
When asked how World War III would be fought, Einstein replied that
he didn't know. But he knew how World War IV would be fought: With
sticks and stones!
"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour.
Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute.
THAT'S relativity."
Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing.
If I had my life to live over again, I'd be a plumber.
Einstein, Albert (1879-1955) *
Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind.
_Science, Philosophy and Religion: a Symposium_ (1941) ch. 13
P__________________________________________________________________________
Physics is not diffucult, it is just weird - Vincent Icke "The Force of
symmetry" (1994)
P__________________________________________________________________________
From: cdhiv@aol.com (CDH IV = C. Dodd Harris IV)
"The next question was - what makes planets go around the sun? At the time
of Kepler some people answered this problem by saying that there were
angels behind them beating their wings and pushing the planets around an
orbit. As you will see, the answer is not very far from the truth. The
only difference is that the angels sit in a different direction and their
wings push inward."
-Richard Feynman _Character Of Physical Law_, p. 8
P_________________________________________________________________________
From: kriman@acsu.buffalo.edu (Alfred M. Kriman)
@A: Feynman, Richard P. (1918-1988)
@Q:Physicists like to think that all you have to do is say, these are
the conditions, now what happens next?
*P_________________________________________________________________________
Carlyle has somewhere said something like this: " Nothing but facts are
of importance. John Lackland passed by here. Here is something that is
admirable. Here is a reality for which I would give all the theories in the
world." Carlyle was a fellow countryman of Bacon; but Bacon would not have
said that. That is the language of the historian. The physicist would say
rather: "John Lackland passed by here; that makes no difference to me, for
he will never pass this way again." -- Henri Poincare
*P_________________________________________________________________________
From: kriman@acsu.buffalo.edu (Alfred M. Kriman)
@A: Dyson, Freeman J.
@Q: We have learned that matter is weird stuff. It is weird enough,
so that it does not limit God's freedom to make it do what he pleases.
@R: Ch. 1, p. 8, _Infinite in All Directions: Gifford lectures given at
Aberdeen, Scotland, April-November 1985_; edited by the author (Harper &
Row, New York, 1988).
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=3. CHEMISTRY
C__________________________________________________________________________
Acid -- better living through chemistry.
C__________________________________________________________________________
All theoretical chemistry is really physics;
and all theoretical chemists know it. -- Richard P. Feynman
CP_________________________________________________________________________
Make it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist!
C__________________________________________________________________________
methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin-
ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl-
phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu-
taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl-
glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala-
nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta-
minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly-
cylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionyl-
leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu-
cylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylva-
lylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyro-
sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu-
cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe-
nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala-
nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas-
partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl-
glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl-
valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu-
cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi-
nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse-
rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl-
glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly-
sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro-
lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl-
glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.:
The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a
1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids.
-- Mrs. Bryne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and
C__________________________________________________________________________
Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry
is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. -- Mike Adams
C__________________________________________________________________________
Chemicals: Noxious substances from which modern foods are made.
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: tphillips@biosci.mbp.missouri.edu (Thomas E. Phillips)
Q:How many atoms in a guacamole?
A:Avocado's number.
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: ericd@jubal.mdli.com (Eric Desch)
Remember, if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the
precipitate!
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: Chris Morton (mortoncp@nextwork.rose-hulman.edu) do it collection
Chemical engineers do it in packed beds.
Chemists do it in test tubes.
Chemists do it in the fume hood.
Chemists do it periodically on table.
Chemists do it reactively.
Chemists like to experiment.
Electrochemists have greater potential.
From: skreyn@netcom.com (Veggie Boy = Sean K Reynolds)
Polymer chemists do it in chains.
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: CLD@msc.com
PhD
|
/ \
| |
\ /
|
PhD Para - Doc's (can draw ortho - doc's as well)
HiHoAg hi ho silver!!!
From: dan.arico@wdn.com (Dan Arico)
CH3- _ _ _ _ - CH3
/ \/ \/ \/ \
| | | | |
\ _/ \ _/ \ _/ \ _/
/ \ / \ / \ / \
| | | | |
CH3- \ _/ \ _/ \ _/ \ _/- CH3
Tetramethylchickenwire
From: bkd@christa.unh.edu (Brian K Dann)
o o o
H3C-CH2-CH2-O-/|\/|\/|\
| | |
/ \/ \/ \
A propyl people ether!
From: dan.arico@wdn.com (Dan Arico)
Fe - Fe
/ \
Fe Fe
\ /
Fe - Fe
Ferous Wheel
From: sppp@hippo.ru.ac.za (Peter Piacenza)
PhD
| PhD
/ \ /
| O |
\ /
Orthodox (ortho - Doc's)
--------
MD
I
/ \
| O | Metaphysicians
\ /\ --------------
MD
O O
---I---I-----O-C3H7 Propylpeople ether
I I ------------------
/\ /\
/ \ \
4
|
/ \
| O |__4
\ /
Metaphor (meta - 4)
From: nuke@netcom.com (Bill Newcomb)
O-R-NMe2
|
|
/ \ /\
/ \/ \
I O a 1-I-1-ORN-flying-propyl people ether
| (*stolen from A. Shusterman, with enhancements)
--|--
|
/ \
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: a481@mindlink.bc.ca (J.D. Frazer)
What is this:
NaCl(aq) NaCl(aq)
C C C C C C C
Answer: (In a sing-song voice) "Saline, saline, over the seven C's"
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: tomm@netcom.com (Tom Murray)
chemical formula:
HIJKLMNO
What is it? It's the formula for water.
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: jay.freedman@pacsibm.org (Jay Freedman)
These were printed on bumper stickers and given out at an American Chemical
Society meeting 10 or 12 years ago:
It takes alkynes to make a world.
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: jay.freedman@pacsibm.org (Jay Freedman)
Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
From: bill.considine@execnet.com (BILL CONSIDINE) DeLuxe 1.1 #9385
Old chemists never die they just reach equilibrium
From: wmaya@csupomona.edu (Walter Maya)
Old chemists never die, they just smell that way.
From: Tim.Nelson@Canada.ATTGIS.COM (list of Old * Never Die, they just)
OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just do it inorganically
OLD CHEMISTS never die, they just lose their refluxes
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: bgnosis@isca.uiowa.edu (Billy Gnosis)
What do you get when you cross buckminsterfullerene,
helicase, and ATP? Screwballs."
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: lozinski@csugrad.cs.vt.edu (Joe Cool)
Man - A Chemical Analysis
Element : Man
Symbol : Ah (short for Arsehole)
Quantitative : Accepted at 7 inches, wavy brown hair, 6' 0" in length,
though some isotopes can be as short as 4 inches.
Discoverer : Eve
Occurance : Found following duel element Wo, often in high
concentration near a perfect Wo specimen.
Physical properties : 1) Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol).
2) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly
after reaction with Wo (Snore ... zzzzz).
3) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses
reactive nature.
4) Rarely found in pure form after 14th year.
5) Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction
with polluted form of the Wo commom ore.
Chemical properties : 1) All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no
further reaction is possible.
2) May react with several Wo isotopes in short period
under extremely favorable conditions.
3) Usually willing to react with what ever is available.
4) Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existant to
Pre-interaction effects (which tend to turn the
specimen bright red.
5) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm
and wet to violent/bloody.
Storage : Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate,
25-35 for favorable reaction style.
Uses : Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night,
free dinners for Wo...
Tests : Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted
specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths.
Caution : Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with
reaction to a particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very maleable
under correct conditions.
Woman - A Chemical Analysis
Element : Woman
Symbol : WO
Atomic Weight : Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175.
Discoverer : Adam
Occurance : Copious quantities in all Urban areas,
with slighlty lower concentrations in
Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to
seasonal fluctuations.
Physical Properties : 1) Surface usually covered with
painted film.
2) Boils at nothing, freezes
without reason.
3) Melts if given special
treatment.
4) Bitter if used incorrectly.
Can cause headaches.
Handle with care!
5) Found in various states;
ranging from virgin metal to
common ore.
6) Yields to pressure applied to
correct points.
Chemical Properties : 1) Has great affinity for Gold,
Silver, Platinum and many of
the Precious Stones.
2) Absorbs great quantities of
expensive substances.
3) May explode spontaneously if
left alone on dates.
4) Insoluble in liquids, but
there is increased activity
when saturated in alcohol
to a certain point.
5) Repels cheap material.
Neutral to common sense.
6) Most powerful money reducing
agent known to Man.
Uses : Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.
Can cool things down when it's too hot.
Tests : Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered
in natural state.
Turns green when placed beside a better
specimen.
Caution : 1) Highly dangerous except in experienced
hands. Use extreme care when handling.
2) Illegal to possess more than one.
C__________________________________________________________________________
There is the joke about the homeopath who forgot to take his
medicine and died of an overdose.
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: peabody@wam.umd.edu (Doctor Soran)
Go skiing in Tellurium, Colorado
Stanley Cupric's "Full Metal Jacket"
The Uranium Songs:
"I Get a Kick out of U" (Cole Porter)
"I Can't Stay Away from U" (Gloria Estefan)
Movie:
"I Was a Teenage Werewolfram"
Miscellaneus:
The Baltic states of Estonia, Latvia, and Lithuania along with the
Cobaltic States of Germany, Poland, Sweden, and Finland
June 6, 1944 was the radon Normandy.
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: bgnosis@isca.uiowa.edu (Billy Gnosis)
Q:What does what does the Lone Ranger say to his horse?
A:HIOAg, away!
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: ts@uwasa.fi (Timo Salmi)
Free radicals have revolutionized chemistry.
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: kkociba@magnus.acs.ohio-state.edu (Keith J Kociba)
Chemists are the *cleanest* people you'll ever meet...
they wash their hands even *before* they go to the restroom!
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: a94petbe@ida.his.se (Peter Bengtsson)
Chemistry is really funny, there are even people
who laugh at Nitrogen(I)Oxide.
(You will have to know some chemistry to understand this :-)
From: cgra@se.alcbel.be (Chris Gray)
Or Nitrogen Triiodide???
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: wmoon@jupiter.uucp (Woo Moon)
Q:What's the difference between a hormone and a vitamin?
A:You can't make a vitamin....
(take your time..)
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: "Lev A. Gorenstein" [lev@cv4.chem.purdue.edu]
Anyway, I think this is a good idea. Here's my contribution. These are
"crazy phrases" from some works on several Moscow city and regional
high-school chemistry olympiads (I've been a member of the Organizing
Committee for them for a number of years and I really miss this now). By
the way, if anybody knows about similar things here in the US (and
Indiana in particular) - I will be gratefull.
Unfortunately, all of these citations are in Russian (obviously ;-) and,
what is much worse, most of them are unexpected (for their authors) puns,
which are impossible (at least for me) to translate (some of these puns
were just great, all the Orginizing Committee was rolling on the floor
in tears ;-). I found only several phrases allowing translation (not
best pearls, unfortunately...):
[For the question: "Why H2S is a poison for us?"> :
"H2S reacts with the iron in hemoglobin, forming an insoluble FeS, thus
causing the oxygen deficiency" (there were some variants like Fe2S,
Fe2S3, Fe2S2... But - isn't it a good idea, especially taking into
account that it was in the work of a 13 years old guy?)
[for the question: "Why lead compounds are poisons for us?"> :
a) "Lead ions make sugar in the blood poisoned"
b) "After Pb2+ gets in the stomach, since there is the Cl- in the stomach
juice, the reaction Pb2+ + 2Cl- ---> PbCl2 (s) occurs, and the unsoluble
PbCl2 precipitates into the stomach, thus distorting food digestion"
"Also the produced hydrogen is a gas with nasty smell"
[At the end of the work] : "Damn, done!"
"When AgNO3 reacts with NH4Cl, there forms the precipitate kind of white
and Ag salt" (Everywhere I tried to translate it equivalently to it's
Russian prototype, saving the grammar mistakes and style ;-)
[For the problem "Find mistakes in the following procedure of preparation
of diluted H2SO4: .... "> :
a) For preparation of diluted (strictly - solution) sulfuric acid one
must not use concentrated H2SO4.
b) There is no such thing as "volumetric flask"
c) The mixture of ice and table salt DOESN'T EXIST!
"Ice and NaCl mixture? Crap! The ice would momentarily melt because of
NaCl!"
"To the sulfuric acid one must add water, but not water to sulfuric acid"
[The following was on the VERY weak work (it happened that the teacher
said to pupils : "You won't get a good grade unless you go to the
olympiads" and sometimes there was just a bunch of people who were not
interested in chemistry and had came only "to be marked good" in
teacher's eyes). They were starving there, because they were unable to
solve any problem, they couldn't leave because of a teacher, and they had
to entertain themselves. But how? Probably the oldest way to entertain
oneself is to write something nasty to somebody else (also proved by
recent anonymous posting about grad. schools ;-). Ok, enough theory,
I explained the joke, you may start laughing here :-) Okh, one more
explanation: "pud" is an old Russian wieght unit, equals 16 kg:
"Don't have enough sake to find the mass % without calculator. That is
why:
It's better eat a "pud" of shit,
Than solve your chemistry, damn it!"
(this was rhymed! We thought about making this verse an unofficial
slogan of our Committee ;-)
Will check in my books about any funny chem. experiments.
Regards to all, would like to see other responces.
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: gardner@sun.lclark.edu (Gillian Gardner)
It's not original; I've seen them posted here before, but:
Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates.
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: jpauer@mtu.edu (JAMES PAUER)
First law of Laboratorics: Hot glass and cold glass look alike!
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: jpark@eis.calstate.edu (John Park)
From: flatter@rose-hulman.edu (Neil Flatter)
What does one do with a dead body? Barium
They should have seen the doctor first, he'd Curium.
Perhaps with a housplant, a Germanium.
And if they stole it, the police would Cesium.
Locked up for life, in Irons.
They would go crazy in jail, a Silicon.
Maybe their into plastic surgery.
What does the surgeon do for low cheeks, Lithium.
To large gashes? Sodium.
Tooth in water glass is a one molar soln.
Like BaNa2, name IOAg. I O Silver.
Rabbit like paired electrons on an ether, ether bunny.
And your aunt Ester and her husband Al K Hall.
From: nuke@netcom.com (Bill Newcomb)
With music by Al D. Hyde and the Ace Tones...
Where does one put the dishes? Zinc
What does one do if one can't zwim? Zinc
Name BaNa2. banana
Draw a 1,4 compound of benzene with two dice. Name it. Paradice
Also done w/ MD for paramedic
Done as 1,2 w/ DDS for orthodontist.
1,3 and physics, metaphysics.
Draw benzene with a Mercedes symbol single bonded to the uppermost
carbon. Name it. Mercedes benzene.
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: bill.considine@execnet.com (BILL CONSIDINE) From C&E News (1/9/95 p.48):
What's a cation afraid of? A dogion!
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: naight@MCS.COM (Nathan Parker)
Remember that without t Chemistry, Nothing would exist!
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: lanzi@inland.com
Q:What do you get when you combine [insert a person] with O2?
A:Oxymoron
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: http://www.circus.com/~no_dhmo/
BAN DIHYDROGEN MONOXIDE! THE INVISIBLE KILLER
Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills
uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are
caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen
monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes
severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive
sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea,
vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become
dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death.
Dihydrogen monoxide:
* is also known as hydric acid, and is the major component of acid
rain.
* contributes to the "greenhouse effect."
* may cause severe burns.
* contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.
* accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.
* may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of
automobile brakes.
* has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.
CONTAMINATION IS REACHING EPIDEMIC PROPORTIONS!
Quantities of dihydrogen monoxide have been found in almost every
stream, lake, and reservoir in America today. But the pollution is
global, and the contaminant has even been found in Antarctic ice. In
the midwest alone DHMO has caused millions of dollars of property
damage.
Despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is often used:
* as an industrial solvent and coolant.
* in nuclear power plants.
* in the production of styrofoam.
* as a fire retardant.
* in many forms of cruel animal research.
* in the distribution of pesticides. Even after washing, produce
remains contaminated by this chemical.
* as an additive in certain "junk-foods" and other food products.
Companies dump waste DHMO into rivers and the ocean, and nothing can
be done to stop them because this practice is still legal. The impact
on wildlife is extreme, and we cannot afford to ignore it any longer!
THE HORROR MUST BE STOPPED!
The American government has refused to ban the production,
distribution, or use of this damaging chemical due to its "importance
to the economic health of this nation." In fact, the navy and other
military organizations are conducting experiments with DHMO, and
designing multi-billion dollar devices to control and utilize it
during warfare situations. Hundreds of military research facilities
receive tons of it through a highly sophisticated underground
distribution network. Many store large quantities for later use.
IT'S NOT TOO LATE!
Act NOW to prevent further contamination. Find out more about this
dangerous chemical. What you don't know CAN hurt you and others
throughout the world. Send email to no_dhmo@circus.com, or a SASE to:
Coalition to Ban DHMO
211 Pearl St.
Santa Cruz CA, 95060
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: Brian McClain [briguy@ecst.csuchico.edu]
How many physical chemists does it take to wash a beaker?
None. That's what organic chemists are for!
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: kab4242@utxvms.cc.utexas.edu (Kevin Anthony Boudreaux)
It is disconcerting to reflect on the number of students we have flunked
in chemistry for not knowing what we later found to be untrue.
--quoted in Robert L. Weber, Science With a Smile (1992)
*C_________________________________________________________________________
From: pkenny@titan.oit.umass.edu (Patrick M Kenny)
Black Angus : Black Angus
Black Angus : Texas Longhorn
Black Angus : Brown Swiss
___________________________________________________
Homogeneous Catalyst : Heterogeneous Catalyst
*C_________________________________________________________________________
From: Erin Leonard (not:Mariella Wells) Merit [wellsm@hsdemo.merit.edu]
Cartoon:
(A man and a woman are sitting at a bar. One has a shirt saying 'Polar',
the other, 'Non-polar.') Man: Sorry babe, I just don't think the
chemistry is right.
*C_________________________________________________________________________
From: mykestan@csu.murdoch.edu.au (Myke Stanbridge)
Q:What is the most chaste organic compound?
A:Why, hexanitrosobenzene of course!
*C_________________________________________________________________________
From: (fortunes)
Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her
husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my
joules!"
"Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux
a moment. Perhaps they're mislead."
"No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them
in my burette ... We must call a copper."
Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms,
said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name
of Lawrence Ium.
"We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and
dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can
catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an
activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ...
-- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations"
*C_________________________________________________________________________
Physical Chemistry is research on everything for which the negative
logaritm is linear with 1/T -- D.L. Bunker
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=3.1 CHEMICAL POETRY
C__________________________________________________________________________
David Smillie:
Little Willie was a chemist.
Little Willie is no more.
For what he thought was H2O,
Was H2SO4.
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: hjiwa@nor.chevron.com Canonical List Of Holiday Humor
From: grandish@kits.sfu.ca (Gavin Lee Grandish)
Chemistry Christmas Carols
1. The Chemistry Teacher's Coming To Town
2. I'm Dreaming Of A White Precipitate
3. Silent Labs
4. Deck The Labs
5. The Twelve Days Of Chemistry
6. Test Tubes Bubbling
7. O Little Melting Particle
8. We Wish You A Happy Halogen
9. Chemistry Wonderland
10. I Saw Teacher Kissing Santa Chlorine
11. O Come All Ye Gases
12. We Three Students Of Chemistry Are
13. Iron The Red Atom Molecule
14. Lab Reports
15. Silver nitrate
1. The Chemistry Teacher's Coming to Town
You better not weigh
You better not heat
You better not react
I'm telling you now
The Chemistry Teacher's coming to town.
He's collecting data
He's checking it twice
He's gonna find out
The heat of melting ice
The Chemistry Teacher's coming to town.
He sees you when you're decanting
He knows when you titrate
He knows when you are safe or not
So wear goggles for goodness sake.
Oh, you better not filter
And drink your filtrate
You better not be careless and spill your precipitate.
The Chemistry Teacher's coming to town.
2. I'm Dreaming of a White Precipitate
I'm dreaming of a white precipitate
just like the ones I used to make
Where the colors are vivid
and the chemist is livid
to see impurities in the snow.
I'm dreaming of a white precipitate
with every chemistry test I write
May your equations be balanced and right
and may all your reactions be bright.
3. Silent Labs
Silent labs, difficult labs
All with math, all with graphs
Observations of colors and smells
Calculations and graph curves like bells
Memories of tests that have past
Oh, how long will chemistry last?
Silent labs, difficult labs
All with math, all with graphs
Lots of equations that need balancing
Gas pressure problems that make my head ring
Santa Chlorine's on his way
Oh, Please Santa bring me an 'A'.
4. Deck the Labs
Deck the labs with rubber tubing
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Use your funnel and your filter
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Don we now our goggles and aprons
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Before we go to our lab stations
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Fill the beakers with solutions
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Mix solutions for reactions
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Watch we now for observations
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
So we can collect our data
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
5. The Twelve Days of Chemistry
On the first day of chemistry
My teacher gave to me
A candle from Chem Study.
(second day) two asbestos pads
(third day) three little beakers
(fourth day) four work sheets
(fifth day) five golden moles
(sixth day) six flaming test tubes
(seventh day) seven unknown samples
(eighth day) eight homework problems
(ninth day) nine grams of salt
(tenth day) a ten page test
(eleventh day) eleven molecules
(twelfth day) a twelve point quiz
6. Test Tubes Bubbling
(to the tune of "Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire")
Test tubes bubbling in a water bath
Strong smells nipping at ypur nose.
Tiny molecules with their atoms all aglow
Will find it hard to be inert tonight.
They know that Chlorine's on its way
He's loaded lots of little electrons on his sleigh
And every student's slide rule is on the sly
To see if the teacher really can multiply.
And so I offer you this simple phrase
To chemistry students in this room
Although it's been said many times, many ways
Merry molecules to you.
7. O Little Melting Particle
(to the tune of "O Little Town Of Bethlehem")
Para Dichloro Benzene
how do you melt so well?
The plateau of your cooling curve
is really something swell.
We think the heat of fusion
of water is so nice
Give up fourteen hundred cals per mole
and what you get is ice.
8. We Wish You a Happy Halogen
We wish you a happy halogen
We wish you a happy halogen
We wish you a happy halogen
To react with a metal.
Good acid we bring
to you and your base.
We wish you a merry molecule
and a happy halogen.
9. Chemistry Wonderland
Gases explode, are you listenin'
In your rest tube, silver glistens
A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight
Walking in a chemistry wonderland.
Gone away, is the buoyancy
Here to stay, is the density
A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight
Walking in a chemistry wonderland.
In the beaker we will make lead carbonate
and decide if what's left is nitrate
My partner asks "Do we measure it in moles or grams?"
and I'll say, "Does it matter in the end?"
Later on, as we calculate
the amount, of our nitrate
We'll face unafraid, the precipitates that we made
walking in a chemistry wonderland.
10. I Saw Teacher Kissing Santa Chlorine
I saw teacher kissing Santa Chlorine
under the chemistree last night
They didn't sneak me down the periodic chart
to take a peek
At all the atoms reacting in their beakers;
it was neat.
And I saw teacher kissing Santa Chlorine
under the chemistree so bright
Oh what a reaction there would have been
if the principal had walked in
With teacher kissing Santa Chlorine last night.
11. O Come All Ye Gases
O Come all yea gases
diatomic wonders
O come yea, o come yea
calls Avogadro.
O come yea in moles
6 x 10 to the 23rd
O molar mass and molecules
O volume, pressure and temperature
O molar volume of gases at S.T.P.
12. We Three Students Of Chemistry Are
We three students of chemistry are
taking tests that we think are hard
Stoichiometry, volumes and densities
worrying all the time.
O room of wonder
room of fright
Room of thermites
blinding light:
With your energies
please don't burn us
Help us get our labs all right.
13. Iron the Red Atom Molecule
(to the tune of "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer")
There was Cobalt and Argon and Carbon and Fluorine
Silver and Boron and Neon and Bromine
But do you recall
the most famous element of all?
Iron the red atom molecule
had a very shiny orbital
And if you ever saw him
You'd enjoy his magnetic glow
All of the other molecules
used to laugh and call him Ferrum
They never let poor Iron
join in any reaction games.
Then one inert Chemistry eve
Santa came to say
Iron with your orbital so bright
won't you catalyze the reaction tonight?
Then how the atoms reacted
and combined in twos and threes
Iron the red atom molecule
you'll go down in Chemistry!
14. Lab Reports
(to the tune of "Jingle Bells")
Dashing through the lab
with a tan page lab report
Taking all those tests
and laughing at them all
Bells for fire drills ring
making spirits bright
What fun it is to laugh and sing
a chemistry song tonight.
Oh, lab report, lab reports,
reacting all the way
Oh what fun it is to study
for a chemistry test today, Hey!
Chemistry test, chemistry test
isn't it a blast
Oh what fun it is to take
a chemistry test and pass.
15. Silver Nitrate
(to the tune of "Silver Bells")
Silver nitrate, silver nitrate
it's chemistry time in the lab
Ding-a-ling, with a copper ring
soon it will be chemistry day.
Take your nitrate, in solution
Add your copper with style
In the beaker there's a feeling of reactions
silver forming, blue solution
Bringing ooh's ah's and wows
now the data procesing begins.
Get the mass, change to moles
what is the ratio with copper?
Write an equation, balance it
we're glad it's Chemistry Day.
*C_________________________________________________________________________
From: awillis@ix.netcom.com (al willis) Orig. Al Willis
The professor talked much about Rhodium,
And then he expounded on Sodium.
His arms he did flail,
Until he turned pale,
And then he fell off of the podium.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=3.2 QUOTES
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: kab4242@utxvms.cc.utexas.edu (Kevin Anthony Boudreaux)
It is disconcerting to reflect on the number of students we have flunked
in chemistry for not knowing what we later found to be untrue.
--quoted in Robert L. Weber, Science With a Smile (1992)
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=4. BIOLOGY
B__________________________________________________________________________
"Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same
thing as division."
B__________________________________________________________________________
Q: How many company biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four; one to write the proposal, one to design the bulb-changer, one to
design the bulb-fetcher, and one to design the bulb.
Q: How many freelance biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One; he designs the bulb to crawl up the wall, unscrew the old one and
screw itself in.
Q: How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes eight million years.
B__________________________________________________________________________
From: Chris Morton (mortoncp@nextwork.rose-hulman.edu) do it collection
Biologists do it with clones.
Molecular biologists do it with hot probes.
Zoologists do it with animals.
Genetists do it with sick genes.
B__________________________________________________________________________
Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
B__________________________________________________________________________
From: David Smillie:
A little neurological put down:
You've only got two neurons--and one of them's inhibitory.
B__________________________________________________________________________
Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front
of your eyes.
B__________________________________________________________________________
Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which
otherwise require harder thinking. -- Jerome Lettvin
B__________________________________________________________________________
From: johnston@mhc.uiuc.edu (SJANNA JOHNSTON)
Biology exam: Create life . Justify your answer.
B__________________________________________________________________________
THE HARVARD LAW
Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature,
volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it damn
well pleases.
B__________________________________________________________________________
From: Tim.Nelson@Canada.ATTGIS.COM (list of Old * Never Die, they just)
OLD BIOLOGISTS never die, they just ferment away
B__________________________________________________________________________
From: joeshmoe@world.std.com (Jascha Franklin-Hodge) (List of Taglines)
Life is a sexually transmitted disease
Life is anything that dies when you stomp it!
Support bacteria - it's the only culture some people have!
Thesaurus: ancient reptile with an excellent vocabulary.
PB_________________________________________________________________________
From: gt4495c@prism.gatech.edu (Giannhs)
Physics-envy is the curse of biology. -- Joel Cohen
B__________________________________________________________________________
From: lozinski@netcom.com (Joe Cool)
MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY FOR THE LAYMAN
Artery------------------------The study of fine paintings.
Barium------------------------What you do when CPR fails.
Cesarean Section--------------A district in Rome.
Colic-------------------------A sheep dog.
Coma--------------------------A punctuation mark.
Congenital--------------------Friendly.
Dilate------------------------To live long.
Fester------------------------Quicker.
GI Series---------------------Baseball game between teams of soldiers.
Grippe------------------------A suitcase.
Hangnail----------------------A coat hook.
Medical staff-----------------A doctor's cane.
Minor operation---------------Coal digging.
Morbid------------------------A higher offer.
Nitrate-----------------------Lower than the day rate.
Node--------------------------Was aware of.
Organic-----------------------Church musician.
Outpatient--------------------Person who has fainted.
Post-operative----------------A letter carrier.
Protein-----------------------In favor of young people.
Secretion---------------------Hiding anything.
Serology----------------------Study of English knighthood.
Tablet-------------------------A small table.
Tumor-------------------------An extra pair.
Urine-------------------------Opposite of you're out.
Varicose veins----------------Veins which are very close together.
Benign------------------------What you be after you be eight.
*B_________________________________________________________________________
From: Garland Stern [stern@tiger.asel.udel.edu]
What does the H. in Jesus H. Christ stand for? Haploid.
*B_________________________________________________________________________
Much of what we know about man is derived from the study of sweet peas and
a species of vinegar fly.
*B_________________________________________________________________________
From: stuart.andrews@stanilite.com.au (Stuart Andrews)
Q. What does DNA stand for?
A. National Dyslexics Association
From: mwriggle@uoguelph.ca (Michael Wrigglesworth)
*B_________________________________________________________________________
There was this biologist who was doing some experiments with frogs. He
was measuring just how far frogs could jump. So he puts a frog on a line
and says "Jump frog, jump!". The frog jumps 2 feet. He writes in his
lab book: 'Frog with 4 legs - jumps 2 feet'.
Next he chops off one of the legs and repeats the experiment. "Jump frog
jump!" he says. The frog manages to jump 1.5 feet. So he writes in his
lab book: 'Frog with 3 legs - jumps 1.5 feet'.
He chops off another and the frog only jumps 1 foot. He writes in his
book: 'Frog with 2 legs jumps 1 foot'.
He continues and removes yet another leg. " Jump frog jump!" and the
frog somehow jumps a half of a foot. So he writes in his lab book again:
'Frog with one leg - jumps 0.5 feet'.
Finally he chops off the last leg. He puts the frog on the line and
teels it to jump. "Jump frog, jump!". The frog doesn't move. "Jump
frog, jump!!!". Again the frog stays on the line. "Come on frog,
jump!". But to no avail.
The biologist finally writes in his book: 'Frog with no legs - goes deaf'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=4.1 BIOLOGY POETRY
*B_________________________________________________________________________
From: awillis@ix.netcom.com (al willis) Orig. Al Willis
This Salk by the name of Jonas
Promised wealth and a title and bonus
To these monkeys called Rhesus
Who agreed, "You can lease us,"
But don't come on strong like you own us."
*B_________________________________________________________________________
From: awillis@ix.netcom.com (al willis) Orig. Al Willis
From bionet.general Thu Apr 27 10:06:46 1995
The transplant had finally started.
The incision was carefully charted.
The dog was just sliced,
And the chicken was spliced,
And the dog is now chicken-hearted.
*B_________________________________________________________________________
From: awillis@ix.netcom.com (al willis)
Sal is feared by all of us,
But he's a decent fella.
His label is a handicap:
His name is Sal Monella. -- Al Willis
*B_________________________________________________________________________
From: Ibelgaufts@vms.biochem.mpg.de (H Ibelgaufts)
Bacterial Genetics
When studying bacterial mating
Lederberg found it frustrating
to make things look nice
and do everything twice
he invented replica plating
Reassociation kinetics:
A scientist studying Cot
and to him it meant rather a lot
the lines that he plotted
were very much dotted
but the referee thought it was Rot
*B_________________________________________________________________________
From: mazda@basic2.kpu-m.ac.jp (Osam Mazda)
A Scientist thought of a theory on lymphocyte
after drinking overnight
The theory became complicated more and more
until finally nobody understood it any more
And the reality was not also in his sight
*B_________________________________________________________________________
From: peterk@sci.kun.nl (Peter Klaren)
A couple of years ago I bought The Biochemist's Songbook. It's great! It's
got all major biological pathways described and set to the tune of
popular (folk) songs.
Allright, I'll give an example....
*** Protein Synthesis *** (tune: My Bonnie Is Over The Ocean )
The primary sequence of proteins
Is coded within DNA
On the sense strand of the double helix
coiled antiparallel way
(chorus:)
Intron and exons
changes are posttranscriptional, and all
Glycosylations
Don't alter such basics at all
(... and so on for about 15 stanzas. The synthesis of proteins from DNA is a
complex pathway....)
One of my favourites:
*** The Michaelis Anthem *** (tune: The Red Flag)
The substrate changed by an enzyme
Initially, in unit time
Varies, if not in excess
With substrate concentration, [S]
If enzyme concentration's low
And reaction back from product's slow
Then if we choose a steady state
Velocity and [S] relate.
This relationship can be derived
As Briggs and Haldane first contrived:
The unbound enzyme, [E], we guess
Is [E0] (total), less [ES]
k1[S][E] gives [ES] formation
and k2[ES], dissociation
And [ES] gives the product, P,
At a rate that's [ES] times k3
When [ES] is at the steady state
These terms are all seen to relate
([E0] less [ES]) times k1[S]
Equals (k2 + k3) times [ES]
Now the maximum velocity
is k3[E0], (or big V)
These terms can be manipulated
If one more definition's stated
Define as Km (just for fun)
(k2 + k3) on k1
And note that v (velocity)
Is always [ES] times k3
Then rearranging these equations
We get the final rate equation
V times [S] on Km + [S]
is v (initial) - more or less
OK, one more taster....
*** The Respiratory Chain *** (tune: Battle Hymn of The Republic)
My eyes have seen the glory of respiratory chain
In every mitochondrium intrinsic to membranes
Functionally organised in complex sub-domaines
Where electron flow along
(chorus)
Glory, glory respiration
Glory, glory respiration
Glory, glory respiration
Where electrons flow along
(etc., etc.)
*B_________________________________________________________________________
From: ez005881@dale.ucdavis.edu (Noel Fong)
There was once a cloner named Hector,
who had problems in his private sector,
his wife was depressed,
'cos his genes weren't experessed,
for lack of a functioning vector!
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=4.2 BIOLOGY QUOTES
*B_________________________________________________________________________
From: edftz@aol.com (Ed Fitzgerald)
EVOLUTION
[A] curious aspect of the theory of evolution is that everybody thinks he
understands it.
-- Jacques Monod _On the Molecular Theory of Evolution_ (1974)
Orgel's Second Rule: Evolution is cleverer than you are.
-- Francis Crick quoted by Daniel C. Dennett in _Elbow Room_ (1984)
Evolution is a tinkerer.
-- Francois Jacob "Evolution and Tinkering" (1977)
A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg.
-- Samuel Butler _Life and Habit_ (1877)
*B_________________________________________________________________________
From: eugenio@ci.uminho.pt (Eugenio Campos Ferreira)
"The best model of a cat is another cat or, better, the cat itself" -- N.WIENER
*B_________________________________________________________________________
From: sjb8502@ucs.usl.edu (Bienvenu Jay )
"People are DNA's way of making more DNA."(Edward O. Wilson, 1975)
From: kriman@acsu.buffalo.edu (Alfred M. Kriman)
*B_________________________________________________________________________
@A: Haldane, John Burdon Sanderson (1892-1964)
@Q: He seems to have an inordinate fondness for beetles.
@%: When asked late in his life whether his studies had taught him anything
about God that he might care to share.
@%: JBS Haldane was an atheist.
@%: Beetles comprise about a quarter of all known species.
@Poster: Dan Case (V140PXGT@ubvms.cc.buffalo.edu), who has had
correspondence published in _The New Republic_, and others.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=5. THE MATHEMATICIAN, THE PHYSICIST AND THE ENGINEER (AND OTHER PROFESSIONS)
MPE________________________________________________________________________
jwest@jwest.ecen.okstate.edu:
A mathmatician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber
ball and told to find the volume. The mathmatician carefully measured
the diamaeter and evaluated a triple integral. The physicist filled a
beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total
displacement. The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in
his red-rubber-ball table.
If it was my company: The engineer tried to look up the model and serial
numbers, couldn't find them, so told his manager that it's just not going
to work.
MP_________________________________________________________________________
A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment.
The mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and a
beautiful naked woman is placed on a bed at the other end of the room.
The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every
five minutes, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its
current location and the woman on the bed." The mathematician looks
at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I'm not going to go through
this. You know I'll never reach the bed!" And he gets up and storms
out. The psychologist makes a note on his clipboard and ushers the
physicist in. He explains the situation, and the physicist's eyes
light up and he starts drooling. The psychologist is a bit confused.
"Don't you realize that you'll never reach her?" The physicist smiles
and replied, "Of course! But I'll get close enough for all practical
purposes!"
*ME________________________________________________________________________
From: LJGOLD01@ulkyvm.louisville.edu
A businessman needed to employ a quantitative type person.
He wasn't sure if he should get a mathematician, an engineer,
or an applied mathematician. As it happened, all the
applicants were male. The businessman devised a test.
The mathematician came first. Miss How, the administrative
assistant took him into the hall. At the end of the hall,
lounging on a couch, was a beautiful woman. Miss How said,
"You may only go half the distance at a time. When you
reach the end, you may kiss our model."
The mathmatician explained how he would never get there in
a finite number of iterations and politely excused himself.
Then came the engineer. He quickly bounded halfway down the
hall, then halfway again, and so on. Soon he declared he was
well within accepted error tolerance and grabbed the beautiful
woman and kissed her.
Finally it was the applied mathematician's turn. Miss How
explained the rules. The applied mathematician listened
politely, then grabbed Miss How and gave her a big smooch.
"What was that about?" she cried.
"Well, you see I'm an applied mathematician. If I can't
solve the problem, I change it!"
MP_________________________________________________________________________
Dean, to the physics department. "Why do I always have to give you
guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and
stuff. Why couldn't you be like the math department - all they need
is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets. Or even better,
like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper."
MPE________________________________________________________________________
An engineer, physicist, and mathematician are all challenged with a
problem: to fry an egg when there is a fire in the house. The
engineer just grabs a huge bucket of water, runs over to the fire, and
puts it out. The physicist thinks for a long while, and then measures
a precise amount of water into a container. He takes it over to the
fire, pours it on, and with the last drop the fire goes out. The
mathematician pores over pencil and paper. After a few minutes he
goes "Aha! A solution exists!" and goes back to frying the egg.
Sequel: This time they are asked simply to fry an egg (no fire). The
engineer just does it, kludging along; the physicist calculates
carefully and produces a carefully cooked egg; and the mathematician
lights a fire in the corner, and says "I have reduced it to the
previous problem."
PEA________________________________________________________________________
From: pascual@tid.es (Pascual de Juan Nuqez)
Three men, a physican, a engineer and a computer scientist, are
travelling in a car. Suddenly, the car starts to smoke and stops.
The three atonished men try to solve the problem:
- Physican says: This is obviously a classic problem of torque.
It has been overloaded the elasticity limit of
the main axis.
- Engineer says : Let's be serious! The matter is that it has been
burned the spark of the connecting rod to the dynamo
of the radiator. I can easily repair it by hammering.
- Computer scientist says : What if we get off the car, wait a minute,
and then get in and try again?
*EA________________________________________________________________________
From: Dave Murray [u01dagm@abdn.ac.uk]
Theres a comp sci student, an engineering student and a meterology student
going through the desert in a jeep.
Suddenly the jeep stops and they're left sitting there wondering what
happened..
The Eng student pipes up,
" must be the fan belt thats broken..the engine has overheated...so we'll just
have to wait till it cools down, bodge the fan belt and we'll be fine."
The meterology replies,
"naw, it's not that...its just the ambient heat in this place. It's not
allowing the engine to breath correctly...we just have to wait till night
time.."
The comp sci student thinks about this for a minute then says,
"yeah, you might be right, but I've got an idea....What say we all get
out..then get back in again?"
MEA________________________________________________________________________
An engineer, a mathematician, and a computer programmer are driving
down the road when the car they are in gets a flat tire. The engineer
says that they should buy a new car. The mathematician says they
should sell the old tire and buy a new one. The computer programmer
says they should drive the car around the block and see if the tire
fixes itself.
*MPCEA_____________________________________________________________________
Several students were asked the following problem:
Prove that all odd integers higher than 2 are prime.
Well, the first student to try to do this was a math student. Hey
says "Hmmm... Well, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, and by
induction, we have that all the odd integers are prime."
Of course, there are some jeers from some of his friends. The physics
student then said, "I'm not sure of the validity of your proof, but I
think I'll try to prove it by experiment." He continues, "Well,
3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ... uh, 9 is an
experimental error, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it seems that
you're right."
The third student to try it was the engineering student, who
responded, "Well, actually, I'm not sure of your answer either. Let's
see... 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ..., 9 is
..., well if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime...
Well, it does seem right."
Not to be outdone, the computer science student comes along and says
"Well, you two sort've got the right idea, but you'd end up taking too
long doing it. I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove
it..." He goes over to his terminal and runs his program. Reading
the output on the screen he says, "1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime,
1 is prime...."
Computer scientist using Unix: 3's a prime, 5's a prime, 7's a prime,
segmentation fault
Software tech support operator: Well, we haven't had any reports of
composite odd numbers... do you have the latest version of ZFC?
Logician:
Hypothesis: All odd numbers are prime
Proof:
1) If a proof exists, then the hypothesis must be true
2) The proof exists; you're reading it now.
From 1 and 2 follows that all odd numbers are prime
From: chrisman@ucdmath.ucdavis.edu (Mark Chrisman)
Confused undergraduate: Yes, it's true. Proof: Let p be any prime
number larger than 2. Then p is not divisible by 2, so p is odd. QED
From: chris@labtam.labtam.oz.au (Chris Taylor)
Wouldn't a modern physicist employ something like renormalization?
3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ...
9/3 is prime
11 is prime, 13 is prime, 15 is ...
15/3 is prime
17 is prime, 19 is prime, 21 is ...
21/3 is prime
Quantum Physics: All numbers are equally prime and non-prime until observed.
From: troyt@sun.com (troy trimble)
TRS-80 Computer Programmer:
"One is prime, Two is prime, Three is prime, Out of Memory"
From: sinan@u.washington.edu (Sinan Karasu)
Cosmologist: 3 is prime, yes it is true....
Linguist: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 aaah. I can make 9 a prime.
From: gkeir@extro.ucc.su.OZ.AU (George Keir)
What about the Philosopher : "why don't we just call all the odd numbers
prime and call all the prime numbers odd, that way all the odd numbers
would be prime"
From: jgfoot@minerva.cis.yale.edu (Josh A. Goldfoot)
Chemist: "Three is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime.. that's enough."
Economist: "Assume 9 is prime..."
From: barry@numetrix.com (Barry Fruitman)
English Major:
1 is prime, 2 is prime, 3 is prime, 4 is prime...
Any fool could prove that the above is wrong...
After all, no English major can count that high! ;-)
P.S. And I should know...I've done^H^H^H^H spent time in the English army!
biologist or accountant or doctor or ...
Duh, what's a prime ?
From rec.humor Wed May 3 09:53:16 1995
Theologian: 3 is prime and that's good enough for me!
From: BajoriAP@Perkin-Elmer.com (Andrew Bajorinas)
The Psychiatrist: 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime
but trying to supress it, 11 is prime......
From: eva dacouri [eva@cafe.glassnet.com]
Shrink: Ok: 3 is prime, 5 is prime etc... And how could one specify
"prime" anyway?
Lawyer: 3 is prime, yet 5 could be anything, taking into account, but not
limited to, the fact that 4 may or may not be prime, depending
on the witnesses' testimonies and the written evidence furnished.
Accountant: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, deducing 10%
tax and 5% other obligations.
From: lanzi@inland.com
Politician: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is composite, 11 is
prime -- we can ignore 9 because the primes have a majority.
MBA________________________________________________________________________
A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are
on a photo-safari in Africa. They drive out into the savannah in their
jeep, stop and scour the horizon with their binoculars.
The biologist: "Look! There's a herd of zebras! And there, in the middle:
a white zebra! It's fantastic! There are white zebras! We'll be famous!"
The statistician:
"It's not significant. We only know there's one white zebra"
The mathematician:
"Actually, we know there exists a zebra which is white on one side"
The computer scientist:
"Oh no! A special case!"
MPA________________________________________________________________________
A philosopher, a physicist, a mathematician and a computer scientist were
travelling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the
window of the train.
"Aha," says the philosopher, "I see that Scottish sheep are black."
"Hmm," says the physicist, "You mean that some Scottish sheep are
black."
"No," says the mathematician, "All we know is that there is at least
one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is
black!"
"Oh, no!" shouts the computer scientist, "A special case!"
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were travelling on the same train
when they passed the same field full of sheep.
"Look at that solitary black sheep among all those white ones" said
Watson to Holmes.
"Yes Watson, the ratio of black sheep to white in that field is
one black to three hundred and seventeen white" replied Holmes.
"But how can you be so precise" said Watson, flabbergasted.
"Elementary, my dear Watson" replied Holmes, "I counted all of the
legs and divided by four!"
MEA________________________________________________________________________
The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to get
results.
The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy
problems in order to get results.
The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy
problems in order to get results.
ME_________________________________________________________________________
From: levd@alien (Lev Desmarais)
The difference between an Engineer and a Mathematician :
The Engineer walks in her office and finds her trash can on fire. She
gets the fire extinguisher and puts out the fire.
The Mathematician walks in his office and finds his trash can on fire.
He gets the fire extinguisher and puts out the fire.
The following day :
The Engineer walks in her office and finds the trash can on fire on
top of her desk. She gets the fire extinguisher and put out the fire.
The Mathematician walks in his office and finds the trash can on fire
on top of his desk. He takes the trash can and puts it on the floor.
He has reduced the problem to a previously solved state. Too solve it
again would be redundant.
MP_________________________________________________________________________
A physicist and a mathematician setting in a faculty lounge.
Suddenly, the coffee machine catches on fire. The physicist grabs a
bucket and leaps towards the sink, fills the bucket with water and
puts out the fire. The second day, the same two sit in the same
lounge. Again, the coffee machine catches on fire. This time, the
mathematician stands up, gets a bucket, hands the bucket to the
physicist, thus reducing the problem to a previously solved one.
MPE________________________________________________________________________
An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are staying in three
adjoining cabins at a decrepit old motel.
First the engineer's coffee maker catches fire on the bathroom vanity.
He smells the smoke, wakes up, unplugs it, throws it out the window,
and goes back to sleep.
Later that night the physicist smells smoke too. He wakes up and sees
that a cigarette butt has set the trash can on fire. He says to
himself, "Hmm. How does one put out a fire? One can reduce the
temperature of the fuel below the flash point, isolate the burning
material from oxygen, or both. This could be accomplished by applying
water." So he picks up the trash can, puts it in the shower stall,
turns on the water, and, when the fire is out, goes back to sleep.
The mathematician, of course, has been watching all this out the
window. So later, when he finds that his pipe ashes have set the
bedsheet on fire, he is not in the least taken aback. He immediately
sees that the problem reduces to one that has already been solved and
goes back to sleep.
MPE________________________________________________________________________
From: dhein@onramp.net
An Engineer, a Physicist, and a Mathematician all go the same
Conference. University budgets being what they are, they all stay in
the same cheap hotel. Each room has the same floor plan, has the same
cheap TV, the same cheap bed, and a small bathroom. Instead of
a sprinkler system, the hotel has opted for Fire Buckets.
The Engineer, Physicist, and Mathematician are all asleep in bed. At
about 2AM, the Engineer wakes up because he smells smoke. He looks in
the corner of the room and sees that the TV set is on fire! He dashes
into the bathroom, fills the Fire Bucket to overflowing with water, and
drenches the TV set. The fire goes out, and the Engineer goes back to
sleep.
A little while later, the Physicist wakes because he smells smoke. He
looks in the corner and sees that the TV set is on fire. He grabs a
handy envelope, estimates the BTU output of the fire, scribbles a quick
calculation, then dashes into the bathroom and fills the Fire Bucket
with just enough water to douse the flames. He puts the fire out and
goes back to sleep.
In a little while, the Mathematician wakes up to the smell of smoke.
He looks in the corner and sees the TV on fire. He looks into the
bathroom and sees the Fire Bucket. Having determined that a solution
exists, he goes back to sleep.
MPE________________________________________________________________________
A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician were all in a hotel
sleeping when a fire broke out in their respective rooms.
The physicist woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk, pulled
out his CRC, and began working out all sorts of fluid dynamics
equations. After a couple minutes, he threw down his pencil, got
a graduated cylinder out of his suitcase, and measured out a
precise amount of water. He threw it on the fire, extinguishing
it, with not a drop wasted, and went back to sleep.
The engineer woke up, saw the fire, ran into the bathroom, turned
on the faucets full-blast, flooding out the entire apartment,
which put out the fire, and went back to sleep.
The mathematician woke up, saw the fire, ran over to his desk,
began working through theorems, lemmas, hypotheses , you -name-it,
and after a few minutes, put down his pencil triumphantly and
exclaimed, "I have *proven* that I *can* put the fire out!"
He then went back to sleep.
MPE________________________________________________________________________
A mathematician, an engineer, and a physicist are being interviewed for a
job. In each case, the interview goes along famously until the last
question is asked: "How much is one plus one?"
Each of them suspects a trap, and is hesitant to answer.
The mathematician thinks for a moment, and says "I'm not sure, but
I think it converges".
THe physicist says "I'm not sure, but I think it's on the order of one"
THe engineer gets up, closes the door to the office, and says "How much
do you want it to be?".
MP_________________________________________________________________________
A mathematician and a physicist were asked the following question:
Suppose you walked by a burning house and saw a hydrant and
a hose not connected to the hydrant. What would you do?
P: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out
the fire.
M: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out
the fire.
Then they were asked this question:
Suppose you walked by a house and saw a hose connected to
a hydrant. What would you do?
P: I would keep walking, as there is no problem to solve.
M: I would disconnect the hose from the hydrant and set the house on fire,
reducing the problem to a previously solved form.
MPE________________________________________________________________________
An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician and a statistician are taken ,
one at a time, into a room to undergo a psychological test. In the
room is a table (upon which is a
pad and pencil), a chair, a bucket of water, and a waste basket rigged so
that it can be set ablaze from an adjacent room in which the psychologists
watch.
THe engineer is first, and the basket is set ablaze. The engineer
immediately jumps up, grabs the bucket of water and dashes the entire
thing onto the fire, flooding the entire room and extinguishing the fire.
THe physicist is next. THe basket ignites, the physicist quickly
calculates exactly how much water is required to extinguish the flames
and pours exactly that amount, neatly extinguishing the flames.
THe mathematician next. THe basket blazes up, the mathematician calculates
exactly how much water is required to put out the fire, and then walks
out of the room.
THe statistician is last. THe basket is ignited. He grabs the bucket, pours
half on one side, half on the other, and announces "it's out".
E__________________________________________________________________________
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want mustard with
that?"
*MPE_______________________________________________________________________
From: guptap@sun.soe.clarkson.edu (Piush Gupta)
What is the most frequently asked questions by the following after
they graduate :
1) Engineer : How do I do it?
2) Economist : How much will it cost?
3) Mathematician/Physicist : Will like some ketchup with it?
MPCE_______________________________________________________________________
A lecturer tells some students to learn the phone-book by heart.
The mathematicians are baffled: `By heart? You kidding?'
The physics-students ask: `Why?'
The engineers sigh: `Do we have to?'
The chemistry-students ask: `Till next Monday?'
The accounting-students (scribbling): `Till tomorrow?'
The laws-students answer: `We already have.'
The medicine-students ask: `Should we start on the Yellow Pages?'
MPE________________________________________________________________________
The engineer thinks of his equations as an approximation to reality.
The physicist thinks reality is an approximation to his equations.
The mathematician doesn't care.
MPB________________________________________________________________________
Three men with degrees in mathmatics, physics and biology are locked
up in dark rooms for research reasons.
A week later the researchers open the a door, the biologist steps out
and reports: `Well, I sat around until I started to get bored, then
I searched the room and found a tin which I smashed on the floor.
There was food in it which I ate when I got hungry. That's it.'
Then they free the man with the degree in physics and he says:
`I walked along the walls to get an image of the room's geometry, then
I searched it. There was a metal cylinder at five feet into the room
and two feet left of the door. It felt like a tin and I threw it at
the left wall at the right angle and velocity for it to crack open.'
Finally, the researchers open the third door and hear a faint voice
out of the darkness: `Let C be an open can.'
M__________________________________________________________________________
A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative
merits of having a wife or a mistress.
The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife
and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems.
The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of
security lowers your stress and is good for your health.
The mathematician says: " You're both wrong. It's best to have both so
that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress
thinks you're with your wife --- you can do some mathematics.
MPB________________________________________________________________________
A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe
watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side
of the street.
First they see two people going into the house. Time passes.
After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate.".
The Biologists conclusion: "They have reproduced".
The Mathematician: "If now exactly 1 person enters the house then it will be
empty again."
ME_________________________________________________________________________
There were two men trying to decide what to do for a living. They
went to see a counselor, and he decided that they had good problem
solving skills.
He tried a test to narrow the area of specialty. He put each man in a
room with a stove, a table, and a pot of water on the table. He said
"Boil the water". Both men moved the pot from the table to the stove
and turned on the burner to boil the water. Next, he put them into a
room with a stove, a table, and a pot of water on the floor. Again,
he said "Boil the water". The first man put the pot on the stove and
turned on the burner. The counselor told him to be an Engineer,
because he could solve each problem individually. The second man
moved the pot from the floor to the table, and then moved the pot from
the table to the stove and turned on the burner. The counselor told
him to be a mathematician because he reduced the problem to a
previously solved problem.
E__________________________________________________________________________
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body.
One said, ``It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.''
Another said, ``No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has
many thousands of electrical connections.''
The last said, ``Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a
toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?''
MPE________________________________________________________________________
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture
with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest
possible amount of fence. The engineer is first. He herds the sheep
into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring, "A
circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the
best solution." The physicist is next. She creates a circular fence of
infinite radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around
the herd, declaring, "This will give the smallest circular fence around
the herd." The mathematician is last. After giving the problem a little
thought, he puts a small fence around himself and then declares, "I
define myself to be on the outside!"
MPE________________________________________________________________________
One day a farmer called up an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician
and asked them to fence of the largest possible area with the least
amount of fence. The engineer made the fence in a circle and
proclaimed that he had the most efficient design. The physicist made
a long, straight line and proclaimed 'We can assume the length is
infinite...' and pointed out that fencing off half of the Earth was
certainly a more efficient way to do it. The Mathematician just
laughed at them. He built a tiny fence around himself and said 'I
declare myself to be on the outside.'
EC_________________________________________________________________________
Four men were sitting one day discussing how smart their dog's were.
The first man was an Engineer, who said his dog could do math. His dog
was named T-Square, and he told him to get some paper and draw a square,
a circle, and a triangle, which the dog did with no sweat.
The Accountant said that his dog was better. His dog, Slide Rule, was
told to fetch a dozen cookies, bring them back, and divide them into
piles of 3, which Slide Rule did with no problem.
The Chemist said his dog was smarter, his dog named Measure, was told to
get a quart of milk, and pour 7 ounces into a 10 ounce glass. The dog
did this with no trouble at all, and all three men agreed that their
dog's were equally smart.
Then they turned to the Union Member and asked, what can your dog do?
The Union Member called his dog, who was named Coffee Break, and said,
"Show the fellows what you can do".
Coffee Break went over and ate the cookies, drank the milk, shit on the
paper, fucked the other dogs, and claimed he injured his back while
doing so, filed a grievence report for unsafe working conditions, put in
for Workmens Compensation, and left for home on sick leave.
MP_________________________________________________________________________
A mathematician and a physicist are given the task of describing a room.
They both go in, and spend hours meticulously writing down every detail,
each turning in nearly a ream of paper. The next day, the room is changed,
and they are again given the task. The physicist spends the better part
of the day, but the mathematician, amazingly enough, leaves within a
minute. he hands in a single sheet of paper with the following
description:
Put picture back on wall to return to previously solved state.
ME_________________________________________________________________________
To tell a difference between a mathematician and an engineer, perform
this experiment. Put an empty kettle in the middle of the kitchen
floor and tell your subjects to boil some water.
The engineer will fill the kettle with water, put it on the stove, and
turn the flame on. The mathematician will do the same thing.
Next, put the kettle already filled with water on the stove, and ask
the subjects to boil the water. The engineer will turn the flame on.
The mathematician will empty the kettle and put it in the middle of
the kitchen floor... thereby reducing the problem to one that has
already been solved!
MPE________________________________________________________________________
So a mathematician, an engineer, and a physicist are out hunting
together. They spy a deer(*) in the woods.
The physicist calculates the velocity of the deer and the effect of
gravity on the bullet, aims his rifle and fires. Alas, he misses; the
bullet passes three feet behind the deer. The deer bolts some yards,
but comes to a halt, still within sight of the trio.
"Shame you missed," comments the engineer, "but of course with an
ordinary gun, one would expect that." He then levels his special
deer-hunting gun, which he rigged together from an ordinary rifle, a
sextant, a compass, a barometer, and a bunch of flashing lights which
don't do anything but impress onlookers, and fires. Alas, his bullet
passes three feet in front of the deer, who by this time wises up and
vanishes for good.
"Well," says the physicist, "your contraption didn't get it either."
"What do you mean?" pipes up the mathematician. "Between the two of
you, that was a perfect shot!"
(*) How they knew it was a deer:
The physicist observed that it behaved in a deer-like manner, so it
must be a deer.
The mathematician asked the physicist what it was, thereby reducing it
to a previously solved problem.
The engineer was in the woods to hunt deer, therefore it was a deer.
MPE________________________________________________________________________
A Mathematician (M) and an Engineer (E) attend a lecture by a
Physicist. The topic concerns Kulza-Klein theories involving physical
processes that occur in spaces with dimensions of 9, 12 and even
higher. The M is sitting, clearly enjoying the lecture, while the E
is frowning and looking generally confused and puzzled. By the end
the E has a terrible headache. At the end, the M comments about the
wonderful lecture. The E says "How do you understand this stuff?"
M: "I just visualize the process."
E: "How can you POSSIBLY visualize something that occurs in
9-dimensional space?"
M: "Easy, first visualize it in N-dimensional space, then let N go to 9."
MPE________________________________________________________________________
What is "pi"?
Mathematician: Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the
circumference of a circle and its diameter.
Physicist: Pi is 3.1415927 plus or minus 0.000000005
Engineer: Pi is about 3.
MPE________________________________________________________________________
When considering the behaviour of a howitzer:
A mathematician will be able to calculate where the shell will land.
A physicist will be able to explain how the shell gets there.
An engineer will stand there and try to catch it.
MPE________________________________________________________________________
There was a mad scientist ( a mad ...social... scientist ) who
kidnapped three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a
mathematician, and locked each of them in seperate cells with plenty
of canned food and water but no can opener.
A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's
cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can
opener from pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to
make an explosive, and escaped.
The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids off
the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a
good pitching arm and a new quantum theory.
The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising
solution to the kissing problem; his desiccated corpse was propped
calmly against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor in blood:
Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die.
Proof: assume the opposite...
MPCB_______________________________________________________________________
The USDA once wanted to make cows produce milk faster, to improve the
dairy industry.
So, they decided to consult the foremost biologists and recombinant
DNA technicians to build them a better cow. They assembled this team
of great scientists, and gave them unlimited funding. They requested
rare chemicals, weird bacteria, tons of quarantine equipment, there
was a horrible typhus epidemic they started by accident, and, 2 years
later, they came back with the "new, improved cow." It had a milk
production improvement of 2% over the original.
They then tried with the greatest Nobel Prize winning chemists around.
They worked for six months, and, after requisitioning tons of chemical
equipment, and poisoning half the small town in Colorado where they
were working with a toxic cloud from one of their experiments, they
got a 5% improvement in milk output.
The physicists tried for a year, and, after ten thousand cows were
subjected to radiation therapy, they got a 1% improvement in output.
Finally, in desperation, they turned to the mathematicians. The
foremost mathematician of his time offered to help them with the
problem. Upon hearing the problem, he told the delegation that they
could come back in the morning and he would have solved the problem.
In the morning, they came back, and he handed them a piece of paper
with the computations for the new, 300% improved milk cow.
The plans began:
"A Proof of the Attainability of Increased Milk Output from Bovines:
Consider a spherical cow......"
MPCE_______________________________________________________________________
An assemblage of the most gifted minds in the world were all posed the
following question:
"What is 2 * 2 ?"
The chemist says immediately circa 10 to the power 1.
The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it
back and forth, and finally announces "3.99".
The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem
on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02".
The mathematician cogitates for a while, oblivious to the rest of the
world, then announces: "I don't what the answer is, but I can tell
you, an answer exists!".
Philosopher: "But what do you _mean_ by 2 * 2 ?"
Logician: "Please define 2 * 2 more precisely."
Accountant: Closes all the doors and windows, looks around carefully,
then asks "What do you _want_ the answer to be?"
Computer Hacker: Breaks into the NSA super-computer and gives the answer.
MP_________________________________________________________________________
From: MARTIN.VIETOR@HEIDEBOX.HEIDE.DE (Translation to blame on Joachim)
A mathematician, a physicist and a doctor were posed the questin 2*2.
The physicist takes a notebook and starts scribbling. After 3 days of the
most complex calculations he finds with use of the Earth radius, the
gravitation constant : "Somewhere between pi and 2 times the square root
of 3."
The mathematican comes back after a week with dark rings under his eyes
and proclaims: "Colleges, their is a solution."
The doctor says simple :"4"
The others answer: "Oh well you memorized it."
*MP________________________________________________________________________
From: carrt@ix.netcom.com (Tim Carr)
Three people answered an add for a an open job - an engineer, a
physicist and a statistician. When the engineer went in, he was asked:
Q: "What is two plus two?"
A: "Four."
When the physisict went in, he was asked the same question:
Q: "What is two plus two?"
A: "Four."
The statistician went in next. When the question was posed to him, he
looked around furtively, shut the door and drew the blinds closed. His
response:
"What do you want it to be?"
MPA________________________________________________________________________
Philosopher: "Resolution of the continuum hypothesis will have
profound implications to all of science."
Physicist: "Not quite. Physics is well on its way without those
mythical `foundations'. Just give us serviceable mathematics."
Computer Scientist:
"Who cares? Everything in this Universe seems to be finite
anyway. Besides, I'm too busy debugging my Pascal programs."
Mathematician:
"Forget all that! Just make your formulae as aesthetically
pleasing as possible!"
PE_________________________________________________________________________
From: "F. Ted Tschang" [ft0d+@andrew.cmu.edu]
An economist, an engineer, and a physicist are marooned on a deserted
island. One day they find a can of food washed up on the beach and
contrive to open it. The engineer said: "let's hammer the can open
between these rocks". The physicist said: "that's pretty crude. We can
just use the force of gravity by dropping a rock on the can from that
tall tree over there". The economist is somewhat disgusted at these
deliberations, and says: "I've got a much more elegant solution. All we
have to do is assume a can-opener."
E__________________________________________________________________________
In some foreign country a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are
about to be guillotined. The priest puts his head on the block,
they pull the rope and nothing happens -- he declares that he's
been saved by divine intervention -- so he's let go. The lawyer
is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the
blade, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime
and he is set free too. They
grab the engineer and shove his head into the
guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait
a minute, I see your problem......"
MP_________________________________________________________________________
Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is
not yet ready. "I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We
are very sorry, but it's the best we can do and you will have to share
the room with others." he is told by the doorman (say his name is
Pete). Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is
no need to make such a great fuss. So Pete leads him to the dorm.
They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present
inhabitants. "See, Here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of
180!"
"Why that's wonderful!" Says Albert. "We can discuss mathematics!"
"And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!"
"Why that's wonderful!" Says Albert. "We can discuss physics!"
"And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!"
"That Wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!"
Just then another man moves out to capture Albert's hand and shake it.
"I'm your last room mate and I'm sorry, but my IQ is only 80."
Albert smiles back at him and says, "So, where to you think interest
rates are headed?"
MPE________________________________________________________________________
An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist went to the races one
Saturday and laid their money down. Commiserating in the bar after
the race, the engineer says, "I don't understand why I lost all my
money. I measured all the horses and calculated their strength and
mechanical advantage and figured out how fast they could run..."
The physicist interrupted him: "...but you didn't take individual
variations into account. I did a statistical analysis of their
previous performances and bet on the horses with the highest
probability of winning..."
"...so if you're so hot why are you broke?" asked the engineer. But
before the argument can grow, the mathematician takes out his pipe and
they get a glimpse of his well-fattened wallet. Obviously here was a
man who knows something about horses. They both demanded to know his
secret.
"Well," he says, between puffs on the pipe, "first I assumed all the
horses were identical and spherical..."
MPE________________________________________________________________________
A group of scientists were doing an investigation into problem-solving
techniques, and constructed an experiment involving a physicist, an
engineer, and a mathematician.
The experimental apparatus consisted of a water spigot and two identical
pails, one of which was fastened to the ground ten feet from the spigot.
Each of the subjects was given the second pail, empty, and told to fill the
pail on the ground.
The physicist was the first subject: he carried his pail to the spigot,
filled it there, carried it full of water to the pail on the ground, and
poured the water into it. Standing back, he declared, "There: I have
solved the problem."
The engineer and the mathematician each approached the problem similarly.
Upon finishing, the engineer noted that the solution was exact, since the
volumes of the pails were equal. The mathematician merely noted that he
had proven that a solution exists.
Now, the experimenters altered the parameters of the task a bit: the pail
on the ground was still empty, but the subjects were presented with a pail
that was already half-filled with water.
The physicist immediately carried his pail over to the one on the ground,
emptied the water into it, went back to the spigot, *filled* the pail, and
finally emptied the entire contents into the pail on the ground,
overflowing it and spilling some of the water. Upon finishing, he
commented that the problem should have been better stated.
The engineer, in turn, thought for some time before going into action. He
then took his half-filled pail to the spigot, filled it to the brim, and
filled the pail on the ground from it. Again he noted that the problem had
an exact solution, which of course he had found.
The mathematician thought for a long time before stirring. At last he
stood up, emptied his pail onto the ground, and declared, "The problem has
been reduced to one already solved."
A__________________________________________________________________________
A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing
about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their
arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon
the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because
Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply
incredible surgical feat."
The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the
Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of
that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an
architect."
The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said,
"Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
MPBE_______________________________________________________________________
From: mstueben@pen.k12.va.us (Michael A. Stueben)
The biologist says "I study the principles of life."
The psychologist says "You are controlled by the principles of life."
The businessman says "My business can use its force to control the economy."
The economist says "The forces of the economy will control your business."
The engineer says: "My equations are a model of the universe."
The physicist says: "The universe is a model of my equations."
The mathematician says: "I don't care."
PCE________________________________________________________________________
From: chemistrwb@aol.com (ChemistRWB)
A chemist, a physicist and an Engineer went on a camping trip, accompanied
by a guide. The were brought to a cabin in the deep Canadian wilderness.
Inside the cabin was a wood-burning stove, but it was set up on bricks
about 60 cm above the floor of the cabin. The three scientists speculated
about the function of the high placement of the stove. The chemist said,
"Obviously, the guide has anticipated the convection currents of the heat
an placed the stove in a raised position to maximize the heat flow in the
semi-adiabatic system." The Physicist believed, "No, it's far simpler
than that, the guide placed the stove higher so movement from the
countertops to the stove would be minimized and energy conserved." The
engineer believed he had the true answer, "Obviously, you fellows don't do
much camping. The stove is place higher so we can bring in wood and put
it under the stove to dry." The guide soon returned and all three
scientists were eager to find out who was right. The guide replied,
"Well, we was bringin' the dang thing up the river and part of the chimney
pipe fell off the boat, so we had to put it up for the pipe to reach the
ceiling."
PS: If you know all the words in this essay, your English is better than
99% of native Americans.
MPE________________________________________________________________________
From: grayd@is.dal.ca (James D. Gray)
An Engineering Student, a Physics Student, and a Mathematics student were
each given $150 dollars and were told to use that money to find out exactly
how tall a particular hotel was.
All three ran off, extremely keen on how to do this. The Physics
student went out, purchased some stopwatches, a number of ball bearings,
a calculator, and some friends. He had them all time the drop of ball
bearings from the roof, and he then figured out the height from the time
it took for the bearings to accelerate from rest until they impacted with
the sidewalk.
The Math student waited until the sun was going down, then she
took out her protractor, plumb line, measuring tape,and scratch pad,
measured the length of the shadow, found the angle the buildings roof
made from the ground, and used trignometry to figure out the height of
the building.
These two students bumped into the Engineering student the next
day, who was nursing a really bad hangover. When asked what he did to
find the height of the building he replied:
"Well, I walked up to the bell hop, gave him 10 bucks, asked him
how tall the hotel was, and hit the bar inside for happy hour!"
MP_________________________________________________________________________
From: arkoff@sun.lclark.edu (Gary Arkoff)
A math student and a physics student are camping. The physics students takes
his turn to do the cooking first. He makes a tasty stew, but in so doing,
uses up all the water.
The next day, it is the math student's turn to do the cooking. The physics
student watches him go to the creek to fetch the water. He puts the water
into the pot and then stops and goes off to do something else.
Puzzled, the physics student asks the math student when he is going to
finish making dinner. The math student tells him that there is nothing
left to do as now it has been reduced to a problem which has already been
solved.
*MPE_______________________________________________________________________
From: spencer@cwis.unomaha.edu (Tom Spencer)
A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer were all umpiring a softball game.
The batter hit a fly ball to the outfield that was not caught. All the runners
who were on base scored easily and the batter tried to turn it into an inside
the park home run. It became clear that there would be a close play at the
plate and all three umpires rushed into position to make the call. They all
called the batter out. The captain of the batting team went out to argue and
demanded "Why is he out?"
The engineer said "He looked out to me, so he's out."
The physicist said "I watched very carefully, and I saw that, at the moment
that the batter was tagged, he had not touched home plate; so he's out."
The mathematician said "He's out because I called him out."
MPE________________________________________________________________________
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an
anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no
doubt already heard. After some observations and rough calculations
the engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few
minutes later the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself
happily as he now has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper.
This leaves the mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed
right away that he was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite
rapidly the presence of humour from similar anecdotes, but considers
this anecdote to be too trivial a corollary to be significant, let
alone funny.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=6. MISCELLANY
MPA________________________________________________________________________
Problem: To Catch a Lion in the Sahara Desert.
(Hunting lions in Africa was originally published as "A contribution
to the mathematical theory of big game hunting" in the American
Mathematical Monthly in 1938 by "H. Petard, of Princeton NJ" | POOR |[------------| CATCH YOU?|
| | | |BASTARD!| +-----------+
| | | |________| | NO
| | | | |
| | | V V
| | | +---------------+ +-----------+
| | | NO | CAN YOU BLAME | |DESTROY THE|
| | +------| SOMEONE ELSE? | | EVIDENCE |
| | +---------------+ +-----------+
| | | YES |
| | v |
| | ============================ |
| +---->|| N O ||[---------+
+------------>|| P R O B L E M ||
============================
__________________________________________________________________________
MURPHY'S LAWS
THE PRIME AXIOM: In any field of scientific endeavor, anything that
can go wrong, will.
2. If the possibility exists of several things going wrong, the one that
will go wrong is the one that will do the most damage.
3. Everything will go wrong at one time.
3.1 That time is always when you least expect it.
4. If nothing can go wrong, something will.
5. Nothing is as easy as it looks.
6. Everything takes longer than you think.
7. Left to themselves, things always go from bad to worse.
8. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
9. Given the most inappropriate time for something to go wrong, that's
when it will occur.
10. Mother Nature is a bitch.
10.1 The universe is not indifferent to intelligence, it is actively
hostile to it.
11. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
12. If in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of work,
the answer can be obtained by simple inspection.
13. Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to
make it complex and wonderful.
14. If it doesn't fit, use a bigger hammer.
15. In an instrument or device characterized by a number of plus-or-minus
errors, the total error will be the sum of all the errors adding in
the same direction.
16. In any given calculation, the fault will never be placed if more than
one person is involved.
16.1 In any given discovery, the credit will never be properly placed
if more than one person is involved.
17. All warranty and guarantee clauses become invalid upon payment of the
final invoice.
___________________________________________________________________________
GLASSER'S COROLLARY
If, of the seven hours you spend at work, six hours and fifty-five
minutes are spent working at your desk, and the rest of the time
you throw the bull with your cubicle-mate, the time at which
your supervisor will walk in and ask what you're doing can be
determined to within five minutes.
___________________________________________________________________________
ZYMURGY'S SEVENTH EXCEPTION TO MURPHY'S LAWS
When it rains, it pours.
___________________________________________________________________________
JENKINSON'S LAW
It won't work.
___________________________________________________________________________
O'TOOLE'S COMMENTARY ON MURPHY'S LAWS
Murphy was an optimist.
___________________________________________________________________________
From: goble@infonaut.com (Clark Goble)
As soon as you make something idiot-proof, along comes another idiot.
-- Grave's Law
E__________________________________________________________________________
LAWS RELATING TO DESIGN:
1. In any given price estimate, the cost of the equipment will exceed
estimated expenditure by a factor of 3.
2. Dimensions will always be expressed in the least useable terms. For
example, velocity will be expressed in furlongs/fortnight.
3. If the breadbox trial model functions perfectly, the finished product
will not percolate.
4. In a mathematical calculation, any error that can creep in, will. It
will be in the direction that will do the most damage to
the calculation.
5. In any collection of data, the figures that are obviously correct,
beyond all need of checking, contain the errors.
6. The probability of a dimension or value being omitted from a drawing
is directly proportional to its importance.
7. In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.
8. Information necessitating a change in design will be conveyed to the
designer after, and only after, the plans are complete.
9. In simple cases, presenting one obvious right way vs. one obvious
wrong way, it is often wiser to choose the wrong way so as to
expedite subsequent revisions.
10. The more innocuous a modification appears to be, the further its
influence will extend and the more plans will have to be redrawn.
E__________________________________________________________________________
LAWS RELATING TO ASSEMBLY:
1. If a project requires n components, there will be n-1 components
available.
2. Interchangeable parts won't.
3. Components that must not and cannot be assembled improperly will be.
4. The most delicate component will be dropped.
5. The construction and operation manual will be discarded with the
packing material. The garbage truck will have picked it up
five minutes before the mad dash to the rubbish can.
6. The necessity of making a major design change increases as the
assembly and wiring of the unit approach completion.
7. THE LAW OF SELECTIVE GRAVITATION:
A dropped tool will land where it will do the most damage.
8. A component selected at random from a group having a 99% reliability
will be a member of the 1% group.
9. Tolerances will accumulate unidirectionally toward maximum difficulty
of assembly.
10. The availability of a component is inversely proportional to the need
for that component.
11. If a particular resistance is needed, that value will not be available.
Furthermore, it cannot be developed with any series or parallel
combination.
12. After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found
on the bench.
E__________________________________________________________________________
LAWS RELATING TO WIRING, TEST, AND OPERATION:
1. Any wire cut to length will be too short.
2. Milliammeters will be connected across the power source, voltmeters in
series with it.
3. The probability of an error in the schematic is directly proportional
to the trouble it can cause.
4. Identical units tested under identical conditions will not be identical
on the final test after being buried under other components and wiring.
5. A self starting oscillator won't.
6. A crystal oscillator will oscillate at the wrong frequency -- if it
oscillates at all.
7. A p-n-p transistor will be found to be an n-p-n.
8. A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
9. If a circuit cannot fail, it will.
10. A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by
blowing first.
11. Probability of failure of a component is inversely proportional to the
ease of repair or replacement.
12. A KEY RULE OF STARFLEET OPERATIONS:
Some idiot has left open the number two impulse vent.(Check the position
of all switches, knobs, and dials before turning on a piece of
equipment. Both you and the equipment will live longer.)
E__________________________________________________________________________
LAWS CONCERNING TROUBLE SHOOTING:
1. After the 24th cabinet-to-chassis screw has been removed to replace the
under chassis fuse, it will be observed that the line cord plug has
become disengaged from the a.c. receptacle.
2. After the 24th cabinet-to-chassis screw has been replaced, the driver tube
will be found under the schematic on the bench.
3. The bleeder resistor will quit discharging the filter capacitors as the
operator reaches into the power supply enclosure.
___________________________________________________________________________
ALLEN'S AXIOM
When all else fails, read the directions.
___________________________________________________________________________
GUNNERSEN'S LAW
The probability of a given event is inversely proportional to it's
desirability.
___________________________________________________________________________
MESKIMEN'S LAW
There's never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
___________________________________________________________________________
JONES'S LAW
The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can
blame it on.
___________________________________________________________________________
LORD FALKLAND'S RULE
When it is not necessary to make a decision, it is necessary not to make
a decision.
___________________________________________________________________________
GUMMIDGE'S LAW
The amount of expertise varies in inverse proportion to the number of
statements understood by the general public.
___________________________________________________________________________
SATTINGER'S LAW
It works better if you plug it in.
___________________________________________________________________________
THE LAW OF THE PERVERSITY OF NATURE
You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to
butter.
___________________________________________________________________________
ZYMURGY'S FIRST LAW OF EVOLVING SYSTEM DYNAMICS
Once you open a can of worms, the only way you can recan them is to use a
larger can. (Old worms never die; they just worm their way into larger
cans.)
___________________________________________________________________________
OSBORN'S LAW
Variables won't, constants aren't.
___________________________________________________________________________
THE SNAFU EQUATIONS
1. Given any problem containing N equations, there will be N+1 unknowns.
2. The object or bit of information most needed will be least available.
3. The device requiring service or adjustment will be least accessible.
4. In any human eneavor, once you have exhausted all possibilities and
failed, there will be one solution, simple, obvious, and highly visible
to everyone else.
5. Badness comes in waves.
___________________________________________________________________________
NOTEBOOK OF LAZARUS LONG (Robert A. Heinlein)
Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what can't be done and why.
Then do it.
If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science; it is opinion.
Most 'scientists' are bottle washers and button sorters.
The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. And
vice versa.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science
requires reasoning, while those other subjects require merely scholarship.
Expertise in one field does not carry over into other fields. But experts
often think so. The narrower their field of knowledge the more likely
they are to think so.
Natural laws have no pity.
Climate is what we expect. Weather is what we get.
A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain.
___________________________________________________________________________
1) Hofstadter's Law: "It always takes longer than you expect, even when you
take Hofstadter's Law into account."
2) Morton's Law: "If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer."
3) Epstein's Axiom: "With extremely few exceptions, nothing is worth
the trouble."
4) Mathis' Rule: "It is bad luck to be superstitious."
5) Laura's Law: "No child throws up in the bathroom."
6) "If there is a opinion, facts will be found to support it."
-- Judy Sproles.
7) "Rich folks get more strokes." -- Greg Beil.
8) "If A = B and B = C, then A = C except where void or prohibited by law".
-- Roy Santoro.
9) Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: "It's on the other side."
-- Doug Preudhomme
10) "Anything that happens enough times to irritate you will happen at
least once more." -- Tom Parkins
11) Slick's Three Laws of the Universe: "(1) Nothing in the known universe
travels faster than a bad check. (2) A quarter-ounce of
chocolate = four pounds of fat. (3) There are two types of dirt:
the dark kind, which is attracted to light objects, and the light
kind, which is attracted to dark objects."
-- Ely Slick
12) The two laws of Frisbee: "(1) The most powerful force in the world is
that of a disc straining to land under a car, just out of reach
(this force is technically termed 'car suck'); (2) Never precede
any maneuver by a comment more predictive than 'Watch this!'"
13) (Sam) Goldwyn's Law: "A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's
printed on."
14)(Murray) Gell-Mann's Law: "Whatever isn't forbidden is required; thus, if
there's no reason why something shouldn't exist, then it
must exist."
15) (Mark) Twain's Rule: "Only kings, editors, and people with tapeworms
have the right to use the editorial 'we'."
16) "Bodies in motion tend to remain in motion. Bodies at rest tend to
remain in bed." -- Dave Tewksbury
17) Hurewitz's Memory Principle: "The chance of forgetting something is
directly proportional to....to....."
-- Lane Hurewitz
18) Corry's Law: "Paper is always strongest at the perforations."
-- Carolyn M. Corry
E__________________________________________________________________________
From: schiec@jec3210-17.its.rpi.edu (Christopher L. Schierer)
I was going to be an engineer....
Aerospace but it just didn't fly.
Aeronautical but I couldn't keep my head above water.
Bio-Medical but I was rejected.
Chemical but the job really stunk.
Civil but I couldn't make the grade.
Computer but I got stuck in a loop.
Electrical but it was all current events.
Genetic but I only wore Levis.
Industrial but I couldn't get off the floor.
Management but I wasn't a team player.
Materials but I didn't have the fiber.
Mechanical but I got shafted.
Metallurgical but I couldn't get the lead out.
Nuclear but I didn't have the glow.
Power but it went to my head.
E__________________________________________________________________________
From: badour@umich.edu (Paul Badour)
Top 20 Engineers' Terminologies
1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED
- We are still pissing in the wind.
2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM -
- We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION
- We know who to blame.
4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH
- It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.
5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED
- We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.
6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE
- The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING
- We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.
8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED
- The only person who understood the thing quit.
9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS
- It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.
10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT
- Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL
- Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.
12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING
- We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with
what we've already done.
13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION
- I can't wait to hear this bull!
14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS
- Come into my office, I'm lonely.
15. ALL NEW
- Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
16. RUGGED
- Too damn heavy to lift!
17. LIGHTWEIGHT
- Lighter than RUGGED.
18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT
- One finally worked.
19. ENERGY SAVING
- Achieved when the power switch is off.
20. LOW MAINTENANCE
- Impossible to fix if broken.
From: sapient@pearwood.demon.co.uk (Barny Shergold)
21. IT IS TECHNICALLY IMPOSSIBLE - I don't feel like doing it.
22. IT DEPENDS... - Abandon all hope of a useful answer.
23. THE DATA BITS ARE FLEXED THROUGH A COLLECTIMIZER WHICH STRIPS THE FLOW-
GATE ARRAYS INTO VIRTUAL MESSAGE ELEMENTS - I don't know.
___________________________________________________________________________
From: kring@physik.uni-kl.de (Thomas Kettenring)
Geologists are amazing. They know hundreds of words for different sorts of
dirt and hundreds of words for things it does when left alone for a few million
years.
___________________________________________________________________________
The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might
be general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the
law that any field that had the word "science" in its name was
guaranteed thereby not to be a science. He would cite as examples
Military Science, Library Science, Political Science, Homemaking
Science, Social Science, and Computer Science. Discuss the generality
of this law, and possible reasons for its predictive
power. -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems
Thinking."
___________________________________________________________________________
Sarah Plummer [splummer@abacus.bates.edu] wrote:
I was also told this about happening at my college. We'll see how many
schools have had the same story repeated there. 8) In one of the houses
in which all the lacrosse/fortball players live they have a file of papers
for classes so people don't have to write them, they can just take a paper
previously written and change the name and hand it in. Well, there was one
paper for a class which someone had written and gotten a B on. But on the
corner of the front page was a little drawing of a whale. The next year a
brother" took the class (we don't have frats on campus. This is as close
as we get) and when he had to do the paper he just xeroxed the paper and got
a B on it as well. Then the next time the class was offered another brother
took the paper and xeroxed it, but whited out the whale so the prof wouldn't
suspect that it was the same paper etc. Well, he got a C on it. When he
asked the prof why he got a C on it, when all the other people who copied the
paper got a B on it and he got a C and it was the same paper, the prof said
I liked the whale."
From: rhawkins@iastate.edu (R E HAWKINS)
Or from my father. A student questioned his 0 on a test. "But these
are the same answers as Tran, and he got hundred percent."
"Tran had a different test."
E__________________________________________________________________________
From: pischke@ecf.toronto.edu (PISCHKE DAVID)
Engineering is the art of moulding materials we do not fully
understand into shapes we cannot fully analyse and preventing
the public from realising the full extent of our ignorance."
___________________________________________________________________________
From: mcollins@plato.ucs.mun.ca (Michelle Collins)
Q:What's the difference between a science student and an arts student tying
his shoes?
A:The arts student gets a credit.
___________________________________________________________________________
From: Tim.Nelson@Canada.ATTGIS.COM (list of Old * Never Die, they just)
OLD GEOLOGISTS never die, they just recrystalize
From: Tim.Nelson@Canada.ATTGIS.COM (list of Old * Never Die, they just)
OLD WEATHERMEN never die, they reign forever
___________________________________________________________________________
From: Tim.Nelson@Canada.ATTGIS.COM (list of Old * Never Die, they just)
OLD ACADEMICS never die, they just lose their faculties
OLD STUDENTS never die, they just get degraded
E__________________________________________________________________________
From: Tim.Nelson@Canada.ATTGIS.COM (list of Old * Never Die, they just)
OLD ENGINEERS never die, they just lose their bearings
OLD ELECTRICAL ENGINEERS never die, they just have slower rise times
OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just do it until it Hz
OLD ELECTRICIANS never die, they just lose contact
___________________________________________________________________________
From: joeshmoe@world.std.com (Jascha Franklin-Hodge) (List of Taglines)
Any wire cut to length will be too short.
1st rule of intelligent tinkering - save all the parts
If it's not going to plan, maybe there never was a plan.
If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
Knowing Murphy's Law won't help either.
*MPCBE_____________________________________________________________________
From: reid@indiana.edu (Frank Reid)
Technicians think they are engineers.
Engineers think they are physicists.
Physicists think they are mathematicians.
Mathematicians think they are philosophers.
Philosophers think they are technicians. (Local philosophy prof
sprayed WD-40 in his VCR.)
OR:
From: cyrus@josaiah.sewanee.edu (Cyrus)
Biologists think they're biochemists.
Biochemists think they're chemists.
Chemists think the're physical chemists.
Physical Chemists think they're physicists.
Physicists think they're God.
God thinks he is a mathematician.
*MPE_______________________________________________________________________
From: asdalton@umich.edu (Andrew Dalton)
I heard this one:
Engineers want to be experimental physicists.
Experimental physicists want to be theoretical physicists.
Theoretical physicists want to be mathematicians.
Mathematicians want to be philosophers.
Philosophers want to be theologians.
Theologians want to be engineers.
E__________________________________________________________________________
From: ibrahim@leland.stanford.edu (Nabeel Robert Ibrahim)
Electrical Engineering Purity Test, Version 1.0
(c)1994 Nabeel Ibrahim
You may distribute this freely, but please leave the headers intact.
This test consists of 50 yes/no questions to test your Electrical
Engineering Purity. You score 1 point for each "Yes" and 0 points
for each "No," except where noted.
____110001
\
Total Score = ] your score for question k
/___
k=0
(that's a summation symbol)
MAIL ANY COMMENTS/SUGGESTIONS TO: ibrahim@leland.stanford.edu
0 Have you ever discharged a capacitor?
1 Done 0 twice in one day?
10 Done 0 with your tongue?
11 Have you ever doped silicon?
100 Done 11 with someone else?
101 Done 11 with two or more people?
110 Done 11 with someone without knowing their name?
111 Have you ever tweaked a resistor? (oh, that's so sexy...)
1000 Have you ever blown up an electrolytic capacitor?
1001 Done 1000 while an animal watched?
1010 Have you ever fondled a 10K resistor?
1011 Have you ever derived an equation?
1100 Done 1011 with a member of the opposite sex?
1101 Have you ever worn a pocket protector?
1110 Have you ever checked your email more than 10 times in one day?
1111 Done 1110 for one week straight?
10000 Have you ever made a joke about transistors?
10001 Have you ever laughed at a joke about transistors? (this
one is worth 3 points)
10010 Have you ever wondered how the circuitry would work in
that liquid metal guy in T2?
10011 Have you ever used Ohm's Law to excess?
10100 Done 10011 while someone of the opposite sex watched?
10101 Done 10011 with a large ungulate (hooved animal)?
10110 (Guys only) Have you ever counted the number of females
in one of your EE classes so you could gain sympathy from
friends in Liberal Arts?
10111 Do you speak in assembly?
11000 Has your skin color changed as a result of spending too much
time in front of a terminal? (That green tone really works
for me...)
11001 Have you ever had a serious discussion with someone about
whether CISC is better than RISC?
11010 Have you ever used :-) to excess?
11011 Have you ever had to explain :-) to a friend?
11100 Have Fourier, LaPlace, or Maxwell ever visited you in a dream?
(This one is worth 20 points. You *should* not, under any
circumstances, fantasize about EE!)
11101 Have you ever read "The Sex Life of an Electron"?
11110 Can you rapidly count to 100d in binary?
11111 Do you have more than 5 computer accounts?
100000 Do you have more than 10 computer accounts? (Geek!)
100001 Have you ever laughed at a Liberal Arts major because they
couldn't find a job? (You should...it's really fun)
100010 Are you addicted to reverse polish(HP) notation?
100011 Have you ever slept with your significant other
(girlfriend/boyfriend) on the floor of a computer lab?
100100 Have you ever been in a relationship with someone you met
through email or a newsgroup?
100101 Have you ever been turned on by a transistor?
100110 Have you ever turned on a transistor?
100111 Have you ever measured ground bounce?
101000 Done 100111 with an inanimate object?
101001 Done 100111 with a cadaver?
101010 Have you ever faked a bias point? (Have you no shame?!?!?)
101011 Have you ever had an intimate encounter with a voltage supply?
101100 Have you ever watched while someone else had an intimate
encounter with a voltage supply?
101101 Have you ever probed a circuit?
101110 Done 101101 with other people watching?
101111 Done 101101 more than five times in one day?
110000 Done 101101 without protection? (You should really wear a
ground strap!)
110001 Did you laugh while taking this quiz? (This one should be
worth 30, but it's only worth 2)
Scoring Scale:
00-15 points ==] Go back to your English class.
15-25 points ==] Either you have a life or you are an underclassman/woman.
25-35 points ==] You can feel your life slipping through your
fingers as you get sucked into the world of Electrical
Engineering. It could be worse...you could be in CS.
35-45 points ==] You should definitely go to grad school in EE.
45-72 points ==] You are a lost cause. You're the EE equivalent of
Carl Sagan. Please do not contact me...ever.
Note: Please send me your score, as I am trying to accumulate enough
data to do a statistical analysis...seriously!!
ibrahim@leland.stanford.edu (Nabeel Ibrahim)
___________________________________________________________________________
*******************************************************************************
*|***************************************************************************|*
*|***** THE NERDITY TEST *****|*
*|*** Version 5.x.cubed.minus.3.x.all.divided.by.2 ***|*
*|*** 5 December, 1993 ***|*
*|***** All rights reserved *****|*
*|***************************************************************************|*
*******************************************************************************
INTRODUCTION:
Hello, and welcome to the nerdity test. This test is designed to help
you determine your nerdity quotient. In the past, someone may have watched you,
or listened to something you said and then exclaimed, "You geek! What do you
think you are doing?" Or maybe it's just us. In any event, we here at the
nerdity testing lab were prompted to ask "just what is a nerd?" In response,
we came up with this test. By taking it, you will determine your current
nerdity quotient (from 0% to 100%), with 100% roughly corresponding to a pile
of sludge unable to communicate with anything human except through a device that
is a miracle of modern medicine and engineering, and whose only connection to
the outside world is through the computer internet system.
GRADING:
As this test is being distributed primarily in places of high
concentrations of known nerds, and nerds in turn tend to have nerd friends, that
someone who has never heard of or seen the nerdity test is assumed to be 0%
nerd. However, once such knowledge comes to them, they are immediately placed
in the 100% nerdity category. This is done because it is also assumed that
only a true geek would utter something to the effect of: "Nerdity test?!?
What a stupid concept! I'm too cool to take something as dumb as that."
The values in between are determined by taking the test and scoring it as
follows.
For each question below for which you can answer "yes" or "true", take
one point. At the end of the test, divide the total number of points you scored
by the total number of questions in the test. Treat this number as a percentage
that represents your nerdity quotient.
Some of the questions will have parentheticals at the end of them. What
is contained within the parentheticals is a short list of examples relating to
the given question. The list is not to be taken as all inclusive but merely as
suggestions that might apply.
All technicalities count - after all, being technical is half of what
being a nerd is all about.
RECOMMENDATIONS and HINTS:
It is felt that for maximum enjoyment, you should respond out loud with
your answers. You should treat each "yes" that you say as a personal catharsis
of what you are doing wrong (or right depending on your opinion of nerdity) and
each "no" may then be disputed by your peers. In this way, errors due to
lying or personal oversight are avoided and the test also has a therapeutic
effect for the closet nerd. As an aside, information gleaned about others
should be treated confidentially. Each of us has a dork-side that we don't
want others to know about.
Experiment shows that nerdity CAN be cured! With effort and personal
sacrifice... The nerdity quotient is a cross between proclivity toward as
well as actual current status in nerddom. Some questions are "have you
ever..." while others are "do you now...". The former register the fact that
you have a propensity toward nerdity, while the later acknowledge the fact that
you are currently geeking. Obviously, as your answers toward the "do you now"
type questions change, so will your nerd quotient.
Please use only a number two pencil. Mark all answers in your blue
book. Shake well before using. Lather. Rinse. Repeat as desired. Show all
work. Refrigerate after opening. No partial credit will be given. A table
of useful formulas is included at the end. You may begin.... NOW!
*******************************************************************************
SECTION 1: Education and Schooling
1. Have you ever taken a "higher" math course? (Trig, Calculus)
2. ...at the college level?
3. ...and received an A (3.7 grade point)?
4. Are you still capable of doing what you learned in the course of #1?
5. Have you ever taken a science course? (Biology, Physics, Chemistry)
6. ...at the college level?
7. ...and received an A (3.7 grade point)?
8. Are you still capable of doing what you learned in the course of #5?
9. Have you ever majored in the "hard sciences"? (engineering, physics
chemistry, etc. but excluding psychology, economics, etc.)
10. Have you ever taken Latin?
11. Have you ever asked a question in lecture?
12. Have you ever answered a question asked in lecture?
13. Have you ever corrected a professor in lecture?
14. Have you ever answered a rhetorical question?
15. Have you ever given a lecture?
16. Do you sit in the front row more than 20% of the time?
17. Have you ever had a "perfect attendance record"?
18. Have you ever verified an equation in a science text on your own?
(i.e. experimental proof)
19. Have you ever derived an equation you found in a science text?
20. ...when you didn't have to?
21. ...using other principles? (starting from a different equation
than the text did)
22. Do you take notes in more than one color?
23. Do you use other props when taking notes? (ruler, compass, protractor)
24. Have you ever tutored someone else?
25. Have you ever done homework on a Friday night?
26. Have you ever pulled an all-nighter?
27. Have you taken any classes pass/fail just to preserve your GPA?
28. Have you ever known more about the subject material than the lecturer?
29. ...but continued in the class because you "needed the grade?"
30. ...and had the lecturer admit this fact to you?
31. Have you ever had an argument with a professor?
32. Did you win?
33. Has a lecturer ever referred someone to you as being more knowledgeable?
34. Did you apply to any college merely for the sake of "seeing if I
would get in"?
35. Was your SAT math more than 300 above your verbal?
36. Did you score higher than 1200 combined on the SAT?
*******************************************************************************
SECTION 2: Knowledge
37. Can you count in binary? (up to decimal 10)
38. Can you count in hexadecimal? (up to decimal 20)
39. Can you count in Roman numerals?
40. Do you know Maxwell's equations? (integral or differential form)
41. Do you know Schroedinger's Equation?
42. Have you ever solved Schroedinger's Equation?
43. ...for fun?
44. Do you know the difference between a scalar and a vector?
45. Do you know the difference between a vector and a tensor?
46. Do you know the right-hand-rule for cross-products?
47. Do you know the Latin name (genus and species) for anything?
(fruit fly, human being)
48. Can you understand the owner's manual for electronic equipment?
49. Can you understand the electronic schematic for electronic equipment?
50. Do you know what a "reverse polish notation" calculator is?
51. Can you name the first nine elements of the periodic table in order?
52. Can you translate more than half the chemical symbols into the
name of the element they represent?
53. Do you know the wavelengths in the visible spectrum?
54. Are you bilingual?
55. ...and not an immigrant or child of an immigrant?
56. Can you briefly outline the biological process that occur due to
alcohol when it is consumed by a human?
57. ...while drunk?
58. Do you know how your car's engine works?
59. Have you ever interpolated?
60. Have you ever extrapolated?
61. Do you know the difference between interpolation and extrapolation?
62. Have you ever integrated numerically?
63. ...and known the result ahead of time?
64. ...and complained about how slow the computer was?
65. Have you ever seen or utilized the spherical harmonic functions?
66. ...and found them aesthetically pleasing?
67. Do you know most of the words to "The Lumberjack Song" by Monty Python?
68. Do you own an encyclopedia?
69. Have you ever read an encyclopedia entry that you weren't researching?
70. Have you ever wanted to know something for no apparent reason?
71. Have you ever been laughed at for wanting to know something?
72. Can you program the time on a VCR?
73. Has anyone ever asked you to program their VCR time for them?
74. Have you ever used the word "asymptotic"?
75. Have you ever referred to something as an L.E.D.?
76. Have you ever referred to a ruler as a "straight-edge"?
77. Have you ever said "quartz crystal"?
78. Have you ever called something a "print out" or "hard copy"?
79. Have you ever referred to a curve/object as hyperbolic, parabolic, etc.?
80. Do you feel your vocabulary is larger than most people's?
81. Is your IQ greater than your weight?
Answer YES if you know what the following acronyms stand for.
Note: it may be useful to actually state out loud what you think the acronym
stands for as your interpretation may be wrong or not the nerdy one being
sought after.
82. ...RADAR?
83. ...MODEM?
84. ...RAM?
85. ...DNA?
86. ...ATP?
87. ...NADP?
88. ...CRT?
89. ...CRC?
90. ...STP?
91. ...NORAD?
92. ...NASA?
93. ...MUD?
94. ...LED?
95. ...AI?
96. ...LASER?
97. ...RPG?
98. ...TLA?
99. ...SCUBA?
100. ...WYSIWYG?
101. ...DAT?
102. ...PINE?
103. ...JOVE?
104. Did you not know one of the above, but took a wild guess at in anyway?
105. Have you ever created an acronym in order to simplify your writing?
The next few questions deal with physical constants. Mark yes for any
that you can give the value (2 or more significant digits) for. Knowledge
of the units attached is NOT necessary, just the numeric portion.
106. gravitational constant? (G)
107. earth's gravity near the surface? (g)
108. mass of an electron?
109. charge of an electron?
110. speed of light in vacuum?
111. speed of sound at STP?
112. Planck's constant? (h or h-bar)
113. permittivity of free space? (epsilon naught)
114. permeability of free space? (mu naught)
115. Avogadro's number?
116. molar gas constant?
117. pi? (exception: must know more than 3 digits)
118. Mark this true if you are presently the person knowing the most digits
of pi in the room.
119. e? (exception: must know more than 3 digits)
Can you give the conversion factor between... (2 or more sig. digits)
120. ...centimeters and inches?
121. ...kilometers and miles?
122. ...joules and electron-volts?
123. ...atomic mass units and kilograms?
124. ...Celsius and Kelvin?
125. ...Celsius and Fahrenheit?
126. ...meters and Astronomical Units (AU)?
127. ...AU and light years?
128. ...light years and parsecs?
129. If, while answering any question in this section, you said someone
else's answer was wrong and were right, mark this question true.
(e.g. "you nob! Pi isn't 3.1425. It's 3.1415!")
130. If while answering any question in this section, you checked a reference
book to find out the correct answer, mark this question true.
(e.g. "AARRGGH! What's that last R in radar stand for?")
******************************************************************************
SECTION 3: Computers
131. Have you ever used a computer?
132. ...for more than 4 hours continuously?
133. ...for more than 8 hours continuously?
134. ...past 4 a.m.?
135. ...as a source of income?
136. ...on Friday, Saturday and Sunday of the same weekend?
137. ...with someone you were physically attracted toward?
138. ...for money?
139. ...in the last 24 hours?
140. ...in the last half hour?
141. ...as a source of entertainment? (computer game)
142. ...in the last three months?
143. ...in the last three weeks?
144. Have you ever programmed a computer?
145. ...to write a computer game?
146. ...to write a computer virus?
147. ...to write a shell script?
148. Do you still own any computer with less than 512k of RAM?
(e.g. Commodore 64, Apple II +/e/c, TRS 80, ad infinitum)
149. ...that is still in working condition?
150. ...and still buy software for it?
151. Do you own more than one computer with at least a megabyte of RAM?
152. Do you own any computer which would be classified as a work station?
153. Have you ever taken your computer on vacation with you?
154. Have you ever lost sleep over a computer game?
Have you ever used a ...
155. mouse?
156. hard disk drive?
157. light-pen?
158. computer with a touch sensitive monitor?
159. track-ball?
160. ...for something other than a video game?
161. Devorak keyboard? (as opposed to QWERTY)
162. modem?
163. Have you ever seen a magnetic tape reel?
164. Have you ever mounted a magnetic tape reel?
165. Have you ever seen a computer punch card?
166. Have you ever programmed using punch cards?
167. Are you still capable of programming with punch cards?
168. Do you have any "pirated" software? (i.e. second-hand copywritten)
169. Do you have any "public-domain" software?
170. Do you have any "shareware"? (i.e. software author requests a fee
be sent to them for its use)
171. Do you currently own a modem capable of 14.4kbs or faster?
172. Do you still own any modem whose top speed is 300 baud or less?
173. Have you ever telnet'ed from one computer system to another?
174. ...to gain access to a system you had no authorization on?
175. ...to call a government computer? (NASA, FBI, NORAD, etc.)
176. ...to call a research institution? (CERN, JPL, etc.)
177. ...where the other machine was outside of your native country?
178. Do you have an electronic mail address?
179. ...more than one e-mail address?
180. Have you ever sent e-mail?
181. ...to yourself?
182. ...to someone who was in the same room as you at the time?
183. ...with a .sig file appended to the end of it?
184. ...in the last week?
185. Have you ever set up and run a mailing list for e-mail?
186. Do you receive more e-mail than you send?
187. Have you ever FTP'd?
188. ...anonymously?
189. Have you ever uploaded?
190. Have you ever downloaded?
191. Have you ever multi-tasked? (ran 2+ applications concurrently)
192. Have you ever set up a kill file?
193. ...that does more than simply 'kill'?
194. Do you have a .plan or similar file for when people finger you?
195. Have you set up a login.com or similar file for auto-execution on
logging unto a computer system? (autoexec.bat, login.com...)
196. Do you use alias/batch commands to standardize your OS?
(e.g. alias dir ls)
197. Have you ever read the postings on USENET?
198. ...in the last week?
199. Have you posted to USENET?
200. ...and gotten a response?
201. ...from someone you knew outside of the net?
202. ...and gotten a "flame"?
Have you ever posted to...
203. ...a science fiction news group? (rec.arts.sf)
204. ...a sex news group? (alt.sex)
205. ...talk.bizarre?
206. ...rec.humor?
207. ...a sci. or science-related news group?
208. Have you ever written a FAQ for a USENET news group?
209. Have you ever run a vote for a USENET news group?
210. Have you ever moderated a USENET news group?
211. Have you played any MUD's, MUSH's or other multi-user games?
212. ...in the last week?
213. ...today?
214. Do you consistently play more than one MUD, MUSH, etc.?
215. Are you a "wizard/implementor/immortal" on any MUD's, MUSH's, etc.?
216. Do you have GIF files as wallpaper?
217. Is part of your desk space devoted to your computer?
218. Have you ever built a computer?
219. ...from chips?
220. Do you have a favorite computer language?
221. ...that you've had to defend in verbal debate?
Which of the following computer languages do you know...
222. ...BASIC?
223. ...PASCAL?
224. ...FORTRAN?
225. ...assembly language?
226. ...C?
227. Have you ever forgotten a person's name but not their e-mail address?
228. Do you know more computer addresses than street addresses?
229. Do you tend to remember the IP numbers instead of the alpha address
for computer sites? (128.253.232.63 vs. crux3.cit.cornell.edu)
230. Do you find that you type more often than you write longhand?
231. Have you ever forgotten how to write longhand?
232. Have you ever used computer symbology elsewhere? (goto, *, etc.)
233. Have you ever spoken internet-ese? (btw, imho, :), brb, afk)
234. Have you ever blown off doing something you were supposed to do in order
to work on the computer?
235. Have you ever felt jealous of someone merely because they owned a better
computer system than you?
*******************************************************************************
SECTION 4: Possessions
236. Do you frequently find yourself with more plugs than outlets?
237. Do you currently own a can of WD-40?
238. Do you currently own a can of compressed air?
239. Do you have a personal copy of any version of the nerdity test?
240. ...in space allocated to you on a computer system?
241. Have you ever owned a light saber (Star Wars)?
242. ...that wasn't made of plastic?
243. Do you own an 8-track tape player or any 8-track tapes?
244. Do you own an almanac? (World, Farmer's)
245. Do you own an atlas?
246. Do you own a globe?
247. ...and have it on display? (on a desk, bookshelf...)
248. ...that has bumps corresponding to mountain ranges?
249. ...that lights up?
250. Do you own any "maps of the ancient world"?
251. ...and have them on display?
252. Do you have any "mathematical" artwork? (Escher, fractals)
253. Have you ever faxed something?
254. Have you ever received a fax?
255. Do you own a cellular phone? (car phone)
256. Do you own a non-standard calculator? (scientific, programmable)
257. Do you own a "reverse polish notation" calculator?
258. Do you own a slide rule?
259. ...and know how to use it?
260. Other than a thermometer, do you own any meteorological equipment?
261. Do you own any orienteering equipment? (compass, sextant, etc.)
262. Do you own a pencil case?
263. Do you own any mechanical pencil?
264. ...and have refills for it?
265. Do you own an electric pencil sharpener?
266. Do you own a laboratory notebook?
267. Do you own any graph paper? (quad-ruled)
268. Do you own any log or semi-log paper?
269. Do you own a table of integrals?
270. Have you ever stolen scientific (radiation, biohazard) warnings for
personal use?
*******************************************************************************
SECTION 5: Leisure Time
271. Have you ever taken something apart?
272. ...and put it back together correctly?
273. ...without worrying about voiding the warranty?
274. Do friends and/or family ask you to fix things?
275. Do friends and/or family ask to borrow your tools?
276. ...because you are the only person they know who OWNS that tool?
277. Have you ever put something together without reference to the assembly
instructions?
278. Have you ever bought something primarily for the pleasure of taking it
apart to "see how it works"?
279. Have you ever rewired something?
280. Have you ever played a non-sexual role-playing game? (D&D)
281. ...since leaving high school?
282. Have you ever been to a RPG convention? (GenCON, etc.)
283. ...in the last six months?
284. Have you ever taken a "self help" test?
285. Do you derive perverse pleasure from self-help tests?
286. Do you ever lord your scores on such tests over people around you?
287. Have you ever dissected something?
288. ...while not involved in a biology class?
289. Do you play chess?
290. Were you ever on a chess team?
291. ...on a math team?
292. ...on a debate team?
293. ...on a "trivia" team? (college bowl, JEOPARDY)
294. ...the captain for any of the teams listed above?
295. ...the coach for any of the teams listed above?
296. Did you ever join one of the above teams for the purpose of picking
up members of the opposite sex?
297. Were you ever in a science fair?
298. ...that you placed in the top three?
299. Are you a member of Mensa?
300. Have you ever made a technical joke?
301. ...in the last week?
302. ...that no one around you understood?
303. ...and you found yourself trying to explain it?
304. ...that everyone around you understood?
305. ...but their reason for laughing was not yours?
*******************************************************************************
SECTION 6: Leisure Time - Nerd Toys
306. Have you ever bought something from Radio Shack?
307. Do you know what an oscilloscope does?
308. Have you ever used an oscilloscope?
309. Do you own an oscilloscope?
310. Have you ever used a microscope?
311. Do you own a microscope?
312. Have you ever used a telescope?
313. ...not for peering through someone's bedroom window?
314. Do you own a voltmeter?
315. Do you own any remote controlled vehicles?
316. Do you own a CB radio?
317. Have you ever had an amateur radio license?
318. Do you still have an amateur radio license?
319. Have you ever had an extra-class amateur radio license?
320. Have you ever used a chemistry set?
321. ...since the age of 13?
322. Have you ever used a rare earth element?
323. Do you own a slinky?
324. Does a slinky make you think about oscillations?
325. Do you own a Rubik's cube?
326. Are you able to solve Rubik's Cube?
327. ...without using the book?
328. ...in less than two minutes?
329. Have you ever tried to calculate the number of possible permutations
a Rubik's Cube can have?
*******************************************************************************
SECTION 7: Leisure Time - TV and Movies
330. Do you watch more than 4 hours of TV on any given day of the week?
331. Can you name more than 5 shows on PBS? (inc.:A&E, Discovery Channel)
332. Have you ever watched a PBS documentary?
333. ...voluntarily?
334. ...in the last three weeks?
335. Have you ever watched C-Span for more than 5 minutes?
Have you ever watched a complete episode of...
336. ...Dr. Who?
337. ...Battlestar Galactica?
338. ...Space: 1999?
339. ...Starblazers? (cartoon about the WWII carrier flying through space)
Can you whistle, hum, sing or snap the theme songs to...
340. ...Gilligan's Island?
341. ...Flintstones?
342. ...The Brady Bunch?
343. ...The Jetson's?
344. ...The Addam's Family?
344. ...Dobbie Gillis?
346. ...I Dream of Genie?
347. Have you ever seen any of the "Revenge of The Nerd" movies more than
once?
348. Have you seen all of the Star Wars movies?
349. ...in one 24 hour period?
350. Have you ever watched something and stated "that's physically
impossible" (due to Newton's laws, etc.)?
*******************************************************************************
SECTION 8: Leisure Time - Books and Magazines
Have you ever read anything by...
351. ...Douglas Adams?
352. ...Isaac Asimov?
353. ...Arthur C. Clarke?
354. ...Robert H. Heinlein?
355. ...Piers Anthony?
356. ...J.R.R. Tolkein?
357. ...TSR Hobbies? (i.e. a novel published by the D&D people)
358. ...Richard Feynman? (e.g. his lectures, etc.)
359. ...Stephen Hawking ?
360. ...Carl Sagan?
361. Have you ever read -Cultural-Literacy- or any other book on "what you,
as an intelligent person, should know"?
362. Have you ever read -Innumeracy- or any other book about mathematics
made popular?
363. Do you read books on a daily basis?
364. Have you finished a book in the last week?
365. Have you finished more than one book in the last week?
366. Have you ever bought a book of crossword puzzles/logic problems?
367. Do you read archaic computer manuals for pleasure?
Do you have magazine subscriptions to...
368. ...Popular Mechanics?
369. ...Popular Science?
370. ...Omni?
371. ...Scientific America?
372. ...any computer oriented magazine? (MacWorld, PCWorld, etc.)
373. ...Computer Gaming World or other "video game" magazine?
374. ...Discover?
375. ...any medical journals? (New England Journal of Medicine)
376. ...any science periodicals?
377. ...National Geographic?
378. ...any comic book or "graphic novel"? (X-Men, Superman, Heavy Metal)
*******************************************************************************
SECTION 9: Star Trek
379. Can you name or discuss the plots of more than 10 Star Trek episodes?
380. Have you seen all of the Star Trek films?
381. ...in one 48 hour period?
382. Do you refer to the various "Treks" as "TOS" (The Original Series),
"TNG" (The Next Generation) and "DS9" (Deep Space 9) or similar?
383. Have you ever argued with someone over which "Trek" is better?
384. Have you ever argued over who was a better commander of the Enterprise?
385. Have you ever felt the urge to learn the Klingon language?
386. Have you ever been to a trek convention?
387. ...in the last six months?
388. Have you ever owned a pair of Spock ears (Star Trek)?
389. ...and worn them in public?
*******************************************************************************
SECTION 10: Clothing and Apparel
390. Are your socks unmatched?
391. Do you own a digital watch?
392. ...that plays music?
393. ...that's currently set to chime on the hour?
394. ...that has a calculator built in?
395. Do you own a pocket protector?
396. ...and are you wearing it?
397. Do you have acne?
398. Do you have greasy hair?
399. ...without realizing it?
400. Do you own any clothing with scientific knowledge printed on it?
(e.g. t-shirts with Maxwell's equations)
401. ...which you still wear from time to time?
402. Have you ever worn a radiation film badge?
403. ...while not in the laboratory?
404. ...and described what it was to someone, who then backed away
in fear?
405. Are your pants too short?
406. Does your underwear have your name in it?
407. Is your outfit uncoordinated? (have someone else evaluate this)
408. Have you ever worn a button-down shirt and left the tails hanging out?
409. Have you ever bought similar looking shirts/pants in order to save
time when dressing because "everything goes together"?
410. Do you wear glasses?
411. ...held together by adhesives? (tape, glue, boogers)
412. Is your vision worse than 20/40? (in either eye)
413. Is your vision worse than 20/80? (in either eye)
414. Are you legally blind? (in either eye)
(strange, I don't recall writing a braile edition...)
*******************************************************************************
SECTION 11: Personality and Lifestyle
415. Have you ever slept an inverted day? (sleep at dawn, wake at dusk)
416. ...for more than one day in a row?
417. Have you ever slept round the clock? (24 continuous hours in bed)
Which of the following have you used to prevent sleep...
418. ...Caffeine?
419. ...exercise?
420. ...Vivarin?
421. ...NoDoz?
422. ...something you made in chem. lab?
423. ...something you found in chem. lab?
424. Have you worked for an engineering or manufacturing firm?
425. ...in the last 3 months?
426. ...and gotten credit at a school for doing so?
427. Have you worked in a research lab?
428. ...and been more interested in the work than the pay?
429. Have you ever visited a power plant? (Hoover Dam, nuclear plant, etc.)
430. ...and not been bored?
431. Are you socially inept?
432. Was the last naked person you saw a hi-res computer scan?
433. Do you talk to yourself?
434. ...when other people are around?
435. Do you talk to imaginary people?
436. ...do they talk back?
437. ...do they seem to be more/less intelligent than you?
438. Do you have a tough time remembering people's names?
439. ...but no trouble with their numeric data? (phone#, SS#)
440. Have you ever played mathematical games with other numbers you see
to pass the time? (square/cube root, prime factors of phone#)
441. Do you see everyday situations as representing mathematical concepts?
442. Do you look at quantitative factors when participating in social events?
(ex: choosing drinks by % alcohol rather than taste)
443. Mark this true if you did NOT go to your senior prom.
444. Did you go stag to your Senior Prom?
445. Have you ever found a grammatical error in a published book?
446. Have you ever quoted a piece of literature from memory? (poem, quote)
447. Have you ever eaten pizza cold?
448. ...do you like it that way?
449. ...because you're too lazy to reheat it?
450. Have you ever gotten pizza delivered to the lab/office/science building?
451. Is any leftover delivery food currently residing in your refrigerator?
452. ...that's been there so long, you can't remember ordering it?
453. ...that's been there so long, it's become mobile/sentient?
454. Is any food in your refrigerator moldy?
455. Have you ever commented on the lack of intellectual ability found in
a "JEOPARDY" contestant?
456. Have you ever contemplated the meaning of life/existence of God?
457. ...while not drunk?
458. ...while alone?
459. Have you ever thought about extra dimensions/parallel universes?
460. ...and discussed their possibilities with others?
461. Have you come to any conclusions about UFO's/life on other planets?
462. ...and used Time-Life's "Mysteries of the Unknown" series as
a factual reference to support your claim?
463. Have you ever commented: "If I drive fast enough at the red light,
it'll appear green."
464. Have you ever found yourself discussing one of the popular scientific
theories of the day with someone you just met? (cold fusion)
465. ...did they bring it up because they thought you incapable of
talking about non-technical topics?
466. Have you ever taken part in an experiment to prove/disprove one of the
popular scientific theories of the day? (cold fusion, big bang)
467. Have you ever thought about reviving the dead? (Frankenstein)
468. ...for sexual purposes?
469. ...and had some degree of success?
470. ...but been laughed at by a leading medical institution?
471. Have you ever given an inanimate object a name? (inc.: stuffed animal)
472. Was the object something electronic or mechanical?
473. Did the object also have a "personality"?
474. Have you ever compared and contrasted two scientists?
(Einstein vs. Newton, etc.)
475. Have you ever argued with someone else over which of two scientists was
better?
476. Have you ever argued with someone over which of two computer types/OS's
is better? (Macintosh vs. IBM, UNIX vs. VMS)
477. Have you ever laughed out loud at a joke written in a serious
scientific paper? (Feynman's lectures, textbook)
478. Has anyone ever called you a geek/nerd?
479. ...in the last two weeks?
480. ...for doing/saying something you knew to be geeky?
481. Have you ever intentionally done something that you consider geeky?
482. ...in the last month?
483. ...today?
*******************************************************************************
SECTION 12: The Nerd Test
484. Are you taking this test alone?
485. Are you currently reading this test on a computer screen?
486. Are you planning to double-check your answers to this test?
487. Do you feel the need (or are you currently using) a calculator to
score the test?
488. Are you computing your score in scientific notation?
489. Have you contemplated writing a computer program that would ask and/or
tabulate questions found on this test?
490. Are you currently scoring this test in reverse? (i.e. Assuming 100%
nerd and deducting for each 'no'?)
491. Have you come across copies of this test from two separate sources?
492. If you are still reading this test, do you really need a test score
to prove you are a nerd?
493. Is your nerdity test score higher than your purity test score?
494. Did you feel offended by any of the questions on this test?
495. Did you resort to lying in order to raise your score?
496. Did you resort to lying in order to lower your score?
497. Are you currently competing with someone else for the highest score on
this test (or were contemplating it)?
498. ...did you come up second best and challenge them to a rematch?
499. Have you asked for a technical clarification of anything on this test?
500. Have you ever thought of a question that belongs on this test?
***Please send it to: jjb1@crux3.cit.cornell.edu
Please put your pencils down. That's it, hope you enjoyed.
To analyze your Nerdity Quotient, divide your total number of "yes/true"
responses by the total number of questions and compare to this list.
Ranking:
0 - 20 Nerd-wannabe
21 - 30 Nerd-in-Training
31 - 35 Closet nerd
36 - 40 You dress like people in Walmart ads
41 - 45 You refuse to live anywhere without pizza delivery service
46 - 50 Your social life needs some serious help
51 - 55 YOU need some serious help
56 - 60 You are on first name basis with Radio Shack employees
61 - 65 Your best friend is a microchip
66 - 70 Bill Gates and E. Gary Gygax are your heroes
71 - 75 You own more surge protectors than cooking utensils
76 - 80 "Revenge of the Nerds" poster-child
81 - 85 Hoping to invent Warp Field Theory or transporter technology
86 - 90 Desperately seeking cybernetic interface implanted in your brain
91 - 99 Move over, Einstein
100 Hail, O Nerd Master, virgin sliderulers I sacrifice unto you
This version compiled by yours truly: J. Bennett, Cornell U., Ithaca, NY.
Any questions or comments? Drop me a line at
jjb1@crux3.cit.cornell.edu
****************************************************************************
Credits- (a.k.a. The "you-think-I'm-gonna-take-all-the-blame" department)
A special big thanks to the following (in no particular order):
Matt Warren :warren-matthew@cs.yale.edu for multiple watching of
"Revenge of the Nerds", underwear with name in it as well as the question on
Jeopardy contestants being stupid.
Rebecca Crowley :rcrowley@zso.dec.com for pointing out that a nerd
not only HAS arguments with his/her professor, but WINS them too!
Laura Sachi :sach0001@student.tc.umn.edu for pointing out the nerd
tendency to simplify the situation, and merely count the questions on the test
based on the one's they can answer 'no' to.
Eric Klis :klis0001@student.tc.umn.edu for verifying equations in
textbooks, using a calculator to tabulate score, being offended by questions
found on the test, and lying in order to get a different score. (well, the
questions pertaining to those activities anyway, I don't know that he has done
any of them)
Carl Oppendahl: oppendahl@panix.com for reminding me of the "dark
ages" of computers when programmers used punch cards, offering the category
of ham radio as a potential nerd hobby, and questioning the speed of a nerd's
modem.
Michael Fitch: mjfitch@itchy.phy.duke.edu who felt obligated to raise
the scores of "those physics geeks" who have used radiation film badges, stolen
radiation warning stickers for use on their notebooks, discussed cold fusion
with passing strangers (and been involved in cold fusion testing), integrated
numerically, and been placated by a well drawn spherical harmonic.
anonymous : for competing for the highest score on the test and for
challenging to a rematch when done.
n40mp@relay.nswc.navy.mil : knowledge of reverse polish notation
calculators and favorite computing language (as well as defending it in
argument).
Kevin MacCuish: internet@cad.uccb.ns.ca : Thanks for sending a whole
lot of potential questions including the self-help tests, reading computer
manuals for fun, jealousy toward someone due to their computer, 8-track nerds,
and everyday situations as mathematical concepts.
T.K. Baltimore: tkbalt@minerva.cis.yale.edu : IBM vs. Mac and the
arguments over which is better.
Jennifer C. Ginfrida : Jentrpt@bach.udl.edu : for reminding me of my
childhood days spent watching Starblazers. Japanimation was great, but I
suspect that you may be the only person known to exist who can still sing the
themesong to that particular show.
Josh Wojcik: Wojcik@umr.edu : for solving Schroedinger's eqn. "for fun".
Hey, if you've got the time and there's nothing better to do, why not?
Jennifer Deiros: mdeiros@cs.tufts.edu : she's not the only one who
still owns a commodore 64 and still buys software for it.
Peter White : Peter.White@analog.com : standardizing his OS's through
the use of alias and batch commands, gif file wallpaper and drinking by
% alcohol rather than by taste.
Mike Owsiany : Mowsiany@ecs.umass.edu : applying to colleges just to
see if you can get in.
Rnewell@pomona.claremont.edu : "TNG" vs. "TOS" for the trekker nerds.
Gary P. Chimes : gpchimes@students.wise.edu : who scores the test in
scientific notation, argues over who was better - Einstein or Feynman and isn't
afraid to laugh out loud while reading Feynman's lectures.
Peter Rabinas : peter.j.rabinas.1@nd.edu : for pointing out that only
a nerd would spend time taking a test to see if he was a nerd.
Harry Surden : Has2@cornell.edu : who not only has the dubious
distinction of being the first person from my own site unknown to me to offer
input, but has also lost sleep over computer games, subscribes to Computer
Gaming World. Naked people and hi-res computer scan is also one of his (all
of which should lead you to conclude that Ithaca really needs a better
social environment)
I'd like to continue to thank these people for contributing to the
older versions of the nerdity test (see lower version numbers for specifics):
unknown:RMG3@psuvm.psu.edu,
Rahul Verma: RV0S+@andrew.cmu.edu,
Thomas Marlowe: KYRIE@coos.dartmouth.edu,
Kiet H Tran: KHT@kepler.unh.edu,
Cynthia Pettit: Pettit@CS.unc.edu,
Andrew: CS1122@snowhite.cis.uoguelph.ca,
Susan Schneck: schneck@gibbs.oit.unc.edu,
Hal J. Burch: HBURCH@sleepy.ossm.edu,
Carl Mueller: mueller@cs.unc.edu,
Andrew Bell: bell@cs.unc.edu,
...And a big thanks to the "Post-Prelim/Problem Set Beer and Wine Crew"
THANK YOU ALL!!
*******************************************************************************
[][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][
*******************************************************************************
For additional information or a copy of the current version, send me e-mail to
the above address. IF YOU'D LIKE TO MAKE A CONTRIBUTION please send me the
questions you feel appropriate (please, just the questions, NOT the entire test)
as well as how you'd like to be referred to in the credits.
*******************************************************************************
][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][][]
*******************************************************************************
History:
-In the beginning there was a large, dense ball of matter at the center
of the universe. For reasons unknown and beyond the scope of this course, this
mass exploded, spewing matter outward. Eventually (derivation skipped, but
shown explicitly in the recommended readings) everything cooled down, life
developed and someone, somewhere created...
no version number : containing the original 100 questions from which
the following is all derived. Origin unknown. Format rough and crude and
showing obvious derivation from the purity test.
version 2.0 : fabled and never seen by this author.
version 2.1 : the first such version 2.1 (the two were created
independently) - no data available and may be mere rumor.
version 2.1.pi^2 : Rumored to exist somewhere. This author saw a copy
of it once, but has since lost it somewhere on his desktop... Some of its
was utilized in the creation of version 3.1415
version 2.1 : (3-12-92) Prequel to the current edition. Essentially
the 100 question version reformatted, made user-friendly and expanded to 200
questions.
version 3.1415 : (2-8-93) a further evolution of V.2.1. It contains
300 questions and was somewhat reworked and rewritten.
version 4.thirds.pi.r.cubed (3-21-93) Originally this was supposed
to be the 3.1415 version with 100 ("have you done it recently") questions added
in order to normalize the test. Some testing revealed this to be largely
unnecessary and so much exterior input was received that a 400 question version
based on existing questions allowed this version to be released.
version 5.x.cubed.minus.3.x.all.divided.by.2 (12-5-93) 100 new
questions, most of which came from people's comments to earlier versions of the
test now in circulation long enough to generate sizable response. Notable
changes include reformatting and reorganizing the questions into more
categories as well as the addition of the "ranking" section. Some attempts
were made at steering the question wording away from the "serious" and
toward the "humorous". For those wondering about the version number, it
represents the third Legendre polynomial - sorry, but there just aren't all
that many nerdy numbers starting with 5.
*******************************************************************************
General Information
-in two years of compiling this in the remoteness of upstate New York,
responses have come from as far east as the UK and as far west as Singapore.
If you are interested, both non-North Americans state that the test isn't
universal. They both complained that many questions were culturally biased
and others just didn't apply. If I were writing this for sociological impact
rather than for fun I suppose I would be upset by this news. :)
Roughly 2/3 of the responses I get are from educational institutions. I assume
distribution correlates roughly along those lines too, but have no way of
knowing for sure. I get roughly 3 or 4 responses a week.
The highest reported score is 83% and lowest is 15%. My own score when last
I checked was roughly 81% but of course I'm obviously skewed (in more ways than
one). If you can beat one of the high scores, let me know and I'll FTP you
a year's supply of Turtle Wax brand screen-cleaner (Lemon Scent!) as well as
all the adhesive, colored disk labels you can eat.
___________________________________________________________________________
1. A friend opens a magazine full of scantily-clad members of your preferred sex. Do you:
A. Openly Ogle
B. Act Non-Chalant
C. Comment "Gee, that's got to be at least 400 dpi, colour!"
D. Slip the hand down the pants for a bit of good, old-fashioned executive relief.
2. You're at a party. Someone comes over and asks you your star sign. You:
A. Tell them to bugger off
B. Lay them one in the groin, then tell them to bugger off.
C. I don't go to parties.
D. I don't get invited to parties.
3. You're at the head of a large queue in front of a cash-register in a large department store. The register gives a ]beep[ and stops dead. You:
A. Wait patiently
B. Plant all the stuff you were going to buy in a nearby baby carriage and call the store detective (to while away the time)
C. Break out your ever-present C64 notebook and try to debug the thing
D. I don't know
4. You're shopping for some personal hygiene equipment when the chemist runs up saying the prescription database on his 386 is corrupt. You:
A. What's a prescription database?
B. What's a 386?
C. What's personal hygenie?
D. What was the question again?
5. A friend wants to borrow a record off you. You
A. Lend it out, and tell them it's a boomerang.
B. Tell them to go buy it.
C. Consult the database to see that status of the record concerned
D. Sell it to them for a beer.
6. You'd most like to meet:
A. The person who wrote "Gulag Acapeligo"
B. The person who wrote "War and Peace"
C. The person who wrote MSDOS
D. A person who can write
7. You win a "Grocery-Grab" at a local supermarket. You've got one minute to pack a cart with as much stuff as you can. You start:
A. In the Liquor Section
B. In the Confectionary Lane
C. At the Pencil Bar
D. At the cash register
8. You've been hit by a car and your life flashes before your eyes. The thing you remember most vividly is:
A. Your Mother's voice as a child
B. Your first Love
C. The Ascii table.
D. The tire pressure was maybe a little too high
9. You get to compete on blind date. You have one statement to change the choosers mind about you. You say:
A. I've got a 12 inch tounge
B. I can go all night
C. I'VE GOT A 386SX with 64K Ram Cache
D. I've killed 5 people
10. You feel naked without your:
A. Electric Guitar
B. Wallet
C. VT100 reference guide
D. Axe
11. You see someone standing on a ledge, about to jump. You can save them if you say the right thing. You say:
A. I know things are bad, but do you want to talk about it?
B. I feel you just need someone to talk to
C. Want to come and play on my C64?
D. I bet you haven't got the guts.... . . . Oh, I see you did...
12. You told your best friend the first time you:
A. Had Sex
B. Had Oral Sex
C. Got a Ram expansion
D. Killed a cat.
13. No-one understands you like:
A. Your Mother
B. Your Father
C. Your PC
D. Your Parole Officer
14. For your 18th birthday you wanted:
A. A Car
B. A Shaver
C. A C64 Cassette Drive
D. Some Piano Wire, and the Neigbours Cat
Scoring
Mostly A's:
You're normal. Boring Boring Boring. You're the sort of person who'll justy fritter their way thru life enjoying themselves and having a good time. Shame on you!
Mostly B's:
You're mostly normal. Nothing a little ECT can't clear away in any case. You mostly come into the "Mostly A's" above.
Mostly C's:
Geek Alert! Break out the pocket protector! With a set of horn rims and a pocket calculator, you're ready for Revenge Part #72. You can be the person that gets beat up all the time.
Mostly D's:
So you're a socipath; But that doesn't mean you're a bad person. Just keep taking the Lithium and everything'll be fine
Are you STILL a computer geek?
Ok, so you lucked out last time - you were about as socially adjusted as a onion and jelly sandwhich, BUT YOU MIGHT HAVE CHANGED! You may not be a computer geek any more! It's possible!!! (Not probable, but possible) Test yourself now!
1. It's a stag party for one of your friends. You and the rest of your friends all put money in for:
a. A set of driving mirrors
b. A stripper
c. A stripper with a set of driving mirrors
d. A VGA screen so he can check out alt.sex.pictures.of.girlies
2. You want to improve your social life. You
a. Ask people to go out with you.
b. Join a club to meet new people
c. Drink yourself unconcious and forget about it.
d. What's a social life?
3. You ideal partner would have:
a. Looks
b. Intelligence
c. Money
d. A 1.2 Gig Hard Drive, Twin floppies + SVGA screen, and 5 Meg Memory
4. You have the most horrific nightmare of your life. It involves:
a. You driving off a cliff
b. You showing up somewhere with no clothes on
c. A hungry alsation, your private parts and some tomato sauce.
d. A tax on pocket protectors and thick glasses
5. You're on blind date. The question you would ask is:
a. "Name the weirdest place you ever kissed someone"
b. "Name the weirdest place you ever made love"
c. "Name the weirdest place you ever played soggy biscuit"
d. "Name the weirdest place you ever booted MSDOS 4"
6. Your role model is:
a. Rudolf Steiner
b. Mother Theresa
c. Charlie Manson
d. R2D2
7. Your favourite fashion accessory is:
a. Winklepickers
b. Collar Studs
c. An axe
d. What's fashion?
8. If you had your life to live again, would you:
a. Make no changes
b. Make a few changes
c. Make a lot of changes
d. Upgrade to SVGA
9. Your favourite pickup line is:
a. "I've just won the lottery"
b. "Has anyone seen the keys to my Porsche?"
c. "$hit, I'm pissed"
d. "I'm superuser at work.."
10. During sexual climax, you think of:
a. Your partner
b. Your partner's body
c. Yourself
d. The 487 co-processor at 52 Meg
Scoring
You don't really need the score card do you? Mostly A's or B's means
you're the normal run-of-the-mill, 90212 (the house next door) walk
alike, talk alike that gives us real jerks a bad name; C's mean you're a..
Well, frankly, I don't know what you are, but it's probably treatable
with large amounts of voltage, and D's of course means that you've got
a fantastic career stretched out in front of you as far as your nose can
see. Happy camping.
___________________________________________________________________________
Q: What is one-trillionth of a surprise?
A: A pico-boo.
___________________________________________________________________________
There is no way of falsifying "Unicorns exist."
___________________________________________________________________________
From: kludge@grissom.larc.nasa.gov (Scott Dorsey)
How to identify scientists:
Chem Prof: Wears a white lab coat. This may actually be clean
but does not have to be. P-chem profs have a brand new coat that
has never been in the lab; polymer chem profs have strange glop
on their coat, and intro chem profs have acid holes.
Physics Prof: Wears blue jeans and a flannel shirt. May sometimes
forget to wear shirt altogether. If a professor is wearing blue
jeans and suspenders, ten to one he is a physicist. Physics profs
often have German accents, but this is not a distingushing
characteristic. Be wary of psychologists with fake Viennese accents
which can sound similar to the unwary.
Bio Prof: Sometimes wears a lab coat, though usually this is the
sign of a biochemist. Marine biologists walk around in hip boots
for no explainable reason, even in the middle of winter. They
are apt to wear grey slacks and smell like fish, as opposed to
most biologists, who smell strongly of formalin. Microbiology
instructors go around in spotless white coats, refuse to drink
beer on tap, and wipe all their silverware before using it.
Never loan money to a bio prof, no matter how much he asks.
Psych Prof: Psychologists are not real scientists, and can be
easily identified by their screams of protest whenever anyone
questions whether psychology is a science. Psych people have
beady little eyes and don't laugh at jokes about psychology.
If you are not sure whether a person is a scientist or a
comparative religion instructor, he is probably a psychologist.
CS Prof: Most CS profs are from India or Pakistan. You can tell
by the gestures and accents. This is not a bad thing, though many
of the American CS professors tend to pick up Indian accents which
confounds more specific identification. Like mushrooms, CS students
only come out at night, and, if not Indian, tend to take on a
pasty appearance. CS professors do not use computers and therefore
can be easily identified by their comparative good health with
respect to their students. Many CS professors do not even know how
to use computers, and are actually mathematicians or psychologists
in disguise. Avoid these people.
Math Prof: Math profs are like physics professors except without
any practical bent. A math professor will have only books and
pencils in his office, as opposed to the piles of broken equipment
that physicists keep. Mathematicians scorn the use of computers
and calculators and often have difficulty splitting bills in
restaurants. The easy way to identify a mathematician is by the
common use of the phrases "It can be shown that..." and "Is left
as an exercise to the student..."
*__________________________________________________________________________
From: Jurrien Vroom [J.M.Vroom@fys.ruu.nl]
From Ann Landers column, The Boston Globe, Feb. 20, 1995
Why God Never Received Tenure from Any University
1. He had only one major publication
2. It was in Hebrew
3. It had no references
4. It wasn't published in a referenced journal
5. Some doubt He wrote it Himself
6. He may have created the world, but what has he done since?
7. The scientific community can't replicate His results
8. He never got permission from the ethics board to use human subjects
9. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the
subjects
10. He rarely came to class and just told students "Read the Book"
11. Some say He had His son teach the class
12. He expelled His first two students
13. His office hours were irregular and sometimes held on a mountaintop.
14. Although there were only 10 requirements, most students failed
*__________________________________________________________________________
From: grizzly@iastate.edu (Eric H Anderson)
The graduate student's prayer (with apologies)
Our professor, who art in tenure,
Hallowed by thy grant.
Thy method come. They experiment be done,
in lab as it is in textbooks.
Give us this day, our daily enzyme.
And forgive us our contamination,
as we forgive our collaborators.
And lead us not into chemistry,
but deliver us from physics:
For thine is the laboratory, and the method,
and the glory, for ever.
Amen.
*__________________________________________________________________________
From: alund@unlinfo.unl.edu (anders lund)
FROM THE HOME OFFICE IN LOS ALAMOS, NEW MEXICO, THE TOP
TEN REASONS NETWORK NEWS PRODUCERS DON'T GIVE SCIENCE MORE AIR
TIME.
NUMBER TEN: "ALREADY DID THE O.J. DNA FINGERPRINT STORY."
NUMBER NINE: "'BUCKY BALLS' EXPUNGED FROM SCRIPTS BY NERVOUS
NETWORK CENSORS."
NUMBER EIGHT: "WAITING FOR COLD FUSION."
NUMBER SEVEN: "WOULDN'T KNOW THE SUPER CONDUCTING SUPERCOLLIDER
FROM A HOLE IN THE GROUND."
NUMBER SIX: "STILL THINK SCIENCE'S GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT WAS TANG."
NUMBER FIVE: "FEEL GUILTY BECAUSE OZONE HOLE LINKED TO EXCESSIVE
HAIR SPRAY USE BY NEWS ANCHORS."
NUMBER FOUR: "POCKET PROTECTORS CAUSE TOO MUCH GLARE UNDER
HARSH TV LIGHTS."
NUMBER THREE: "BRAINWASHED BY BIOSPHERIANS."
NUMBER TWO: "UNABLE TO LOCATE FILE FOOTAGE OF THE 'BIG BANG.'"
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON NETWORK NEWS PRODUCERS DON'T GIVE
SCIENCE MORE AIR TIME: "JOURNALISTS ARE FROM MARS...SCIENTISTS FROM
VENUS."
Miles O'Brien
ASMS meeting 1995
*__________________________________________________________________________
From: el102@bih.lhg.hib.no (Sigurd Raubotn)
Whats the difference between a scientist and a nerd?
Beats me.
Why the scientist never spends more than 15 hours in cyberspace?
Cause there is no toilets there.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=6.1 RULES FOR RESEARCH:
___________________________________________________________________________
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice, but
in practice there is a great deal of difference.
___________________________________________________________________________
Unnamed Law: If it happens, it must be possible.
___________________________________________________________________________
FINAGLE'S LAWS:
1. No matter what result is anticipated, there is always someone willing to
fake it.
2. No matter what the result, there is always someone eager to misinterpret
it.
3. No matter what happens, there is always someone who believes it happened
according to his pet theory.
___________________________________________________________________________
FINAGLE'S CREED
Science is Truth; don't be misled by facts.
___________________________________________________________________________
THE FINAGLE FACTOR
(Sometimes called the SWAG(Scientific Wild-Assed Guess) Constant)
That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, or
subtracted from the answer which you got, yields the answer you
should have gotten.
[note] Items such as 'Finagle's Constant' and the more subtle 'Bougerre
Factor' are loosely grouped, in mathematics, under constant
variables, or, if you prefer, variable constants.
Finagle's Constant, a multiplier of the zero-order term, may be
characterized as changing the universe to fit the equation.
The Bougerre (pronounced 'bugger') Factor is characterized as changing the
equation to fit the universe. It is also known as the 'Soothing Factor';
mathematically similar to the damping factor, it has the characteristic
of dropping the subject under discussion to zero importance.
A combination of the two, the Diddle Coefficient, is characterized as
changing things so that universe and equation appear to fit without
requiring a change in either.
___________________________________________________________________________
FINAGLE'S COROLLARY
On a seasonally adjusted basis, there are only six months in a year.
If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by
the page number.
___________________________________________________________________________
IGGY'S RULE OF SCIENTIFIC ADVANCES
All scientific discoveries are first recorded on napkins or tablecloths.
Engineering advances are drawn inside matchbook covers. Keep supplies
of them handy at all times.
___________________________________________________________________________
RULES OF THE LAB
1. When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
2. Experiments must be reproduceable, they should fail the same way
each time.
3. First draw your curves, then plot your data.
4. Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.
5. A record of data is essential, it shows you were working.
6. To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
7. To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance.
8. If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and
derive the question.
9. If that doesn't work, start at both ends and try to find a common middle.
10. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
11. Do not believe in miracles---rely on them.
12. Team work is essential. It allows you to blame someone else.
13. All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons.
14. Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use
can be made of it.(Law of Spontaneous Fission)
___________________________________________________________________________
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF STATISTICAL INFERENCE
1. Thou shalt not hunt statistical inference with a shotgun.
2. Thou shalt not enter the valley of the methods of inference without an
experimental design.
3. Thou shalt not make statistical inference in the absence of a model.
4. Thou shalt honour the assumptions of thy model.
5. Thy shalt not adulterate thy model to obtain significant results.
6. Thy shalt not covet thy colleagues' data.
7. Thy shalt not bear false witness against thy control group.
8. Thou shalt not worship the 0.05 significance level.
9. Thy shalt not apply large sample approximation in vain.
10. Thou shalt not infer causal relationships from statistical
significance.
___________________________________________________________________________
From: c1prasad@watson.ibm.com (prasad)
Never replicate a successful experiment -Fett's law. [cf CF]
___________________________________________________________________________
From: Koos.denOudsten@phil.ruu.nl
Discovery: A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a
couple of hours in the library.
___________________________________________________________________________
From: joeshmoe@world.std.com (Jascha Franklin-Hodge) (List of Taglines)
A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation.
Always draw your curves, then plot the data.
An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
An ounce of emotion is equal to a ton of facts.
Always proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
Dangerous exercise: Jumping to conclusions.
Discoveries are made by not following instructions.
___________________________________________________________________________
FURTHER HINTS ON WRITE-UPS:
1. In any collection of data, the figures that most closely confirm the
theory are wrong.
2. No one you ask for help will see the mistakes either.
3. Any nagging intruder who stops by with unsought advice will see them
immediately.
4. If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
5. An experiment may be considered successful if no more than half the data
must be discarded to agree with the theory.
6. No experiment is ever a complete failure. It can serve as a bad example.
7. Always leave room, when writing a report, to add an explanation if it
doesn't work (Rule of the Way Out).
___________________________________________________________________________
From: jac@ds8.scri.fsu.edu (Jim Carr)
Raw data is like raw sewage, it requires some processing before it can
be spread around. The opposite is true of theories.
___________________________________________________________________________
Murphy's law of research: Enough research will tend to support you theory.
_________________________________________________________________________
From: jejanes@mtu.edu (Jeff E. Janes)
I believe there is a scientific method, or at least a method that
serves me well.
Jeff's scientific method:
play with it until--
1) you break it
2) it breaks you
3) you figure it out
4) your mom/boss/TA/Prof catches you
5) you discover something more interesting to play with.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=6.2 RULES FOR WRITING AN ARTICLE:
___________________________________________________________________________
From: chris@labtam.labtam.oz.au (Chris Taylor)
Here is an old collection that I rediscovered recently.
A brief guide to Scientific literature
======================================
Phrase Translation
------------------------------------------------
It has been long known I haven't bothered to check the referances
It is known I believe
It is believed I think
It is generally believed My collegues and I think
There has been some discussion Nobody agrees with me
It can be shown Take my word for it
It is proven It agrees with something mathematical
Of great theoretical importance I find it interesting
Of great practical importance This justifies my employment
Of great historical importance This ought to make me famous
Some samples were chosen for study The others didn't make sense
Typical results are shown The best results are shown
Correct within order of magnitude Wrong
The values were obtained empirically The values were obtained by accident
The results are inconclusive The results seem to disprove my hypothesis
Additional work is required Someone else can work out the details
It might be argued that I have a good answer to this objection
The investigations proved rewarding My grant has been renewed
___________________________________________________________________________
THE REFEREE'S CREED:
What I don't understand I despise, what I despise I reject.
___________________________________________________________________________
From an unknown but astute source:
Every new scientist must learn early that it is never good taste to
designate the sum of two quantities in the form:
1 + 1 = 2 (1)
Anyone who has made a study o f advanced mathematics is aware that:
1 = ln e
1 = sin^2 x + cos^2 x
\inf
2 = sum 1/2^n
n=
Therefore eq. (1) can be expressed more scientifically as:
\inf
ln e + sin^2 x + cos^2 x = sum 1/2^n (2)
n=
This may be further simplified by use of the relations:
1 = cosh y sqrt(1 - tanh^2 y)
e = lim (1+1/z)^z
z-] inf
Equation (2) may therefore be rewritten as:
inf cosh y sqrt(1 - tanh^2 y)
ln[ lim (1+1/z)^z ] + sin^2 x + cos^2 x = SUM ____________________________
z-] inf n= 2^n
(3)
At this point it should be obvious that eq. (3) is much clearer and more
easily onderstood than eq. (1). Other methods of a similar nature could be
used to clarify eq. (1), but these are easily divined once the reader
grasps the underlying principles.
*__________________________________________________________________________
Since figures and pictures strike the imagination of the reader much better
all articles and dissertations should be published in cartoon form to
reach a larger publicum.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=6.3 POETRY
E__________________________________________________________________________
From: NANCY_GILL@bdt.COM (Nancy Gill)
The Condemned
When the earth was created, the powers above,
Gave each man a job to work at and love.
He made doctors and lawyers and plumbers and then,
He made carpenters, singers, and confidence men.
And when each had a job to work as he should,
He looked them all over and saw it was good.
He then sat down to rest for a day,
When a horrible groan chanced to come his way.
The Lord then looked down and his eyes opened wide,
For a motley collection of bums stood outside.
"And what do you want?" the creator asked them,
"Help us," they cried out, "A job for us men".
"We have no profession," they cried in dismay,
"And even the jails have turned us away".
Said the Lord, "I've seen many things without worth,
But here I find gathered the scum of the earth!"
The Lord was perplexed, and then he was mad,
For the jobs were all gone, there was none to be had.
Then he spoke aloud in a deep angry tone,
"Forever and ever ye mongrels shall roam,
Ye shall freeze in the summer and sweat when it's cold,
Ye shall work on equipment that's dirty and old,
Ye shall crawl under raised floors, and there cables lay,
Ye shall be called out at midnight and work through the day,
Ye shall work on all holidays, and not make your worth,
Ye shall be blamed for all downtime that occurs on the earth,
Ye shall watch all the glory go to software and sales,
Ye shall be blamed by them both if the system then fails.
Ye shall be paid nothing out of sorrow and tears,
Ye shall be forever cursed, and called FIELD ENGINEERS!"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=6.4 Quotes
___________________________________________________________________________
From: Steve Cutchen [scutchen@arco.com]
@A Richard Feynman *
@Q First you guess. Don't laugh, this is the most important step.
Then you compute the consequences. Compare the consequences to
experience. If it disagrees with experience, the guess is wrong.
In that simple statement is the key to science. It doesn't matter
how beautiful your guess is or how smart you are or what your name is.
If it disagrees with experience, it's wrong. That's all there is to it.
@D The quote is from a PBS show on Dr. Feynman. He was describing to his
class how to look for a new law of physics
___________________________________________________________________________
From: Steve Cutchen [scutchen@arco.com]
@A Richard Feynman
@Q I think that it is much more likely that the reports of flying saucers
are the results of the known irrational characteristics of terrestrial
intelligence than of the unknown rational efforts of extra-terrestrial
intelligence
___________________________________________________________________________
@A: Wigner, Eugene P. (1902-1995)
@R: There is no natural phenomenon that is comparable with the sudden
and apparently accidentally timed development of science, except
perhaps the condensation of a super-saturated gas or the explosion of
some unpredictable explosives. Will the fate of science show some
similarity to one of these phenomena?.
@R: In an essay ``The Limits of Science'' intended to estimate them,
originally in Procs. of the _Amer. Philosophical Soc._ v. 94, #5 (1950).
___________________________________________________________________________
From:Matthew Austern matt@physics.berkeley.edu:
Never express yourself more clearly than you think. ---N. Bohr
___________________________________________________________________________
From: sichase@csa5.lbl.gov (SCOTT I CHASE)
The question seems to be of such a character that if I should come to life
after my death and some mathematician were to tell me that it had been
definitely settled, I think I would immediately drop dead again."
- Vandiver
___________________________________________________________________________
From: drory@buphyk.bu.edu (Alon Drory)
Furious activity is no substitute for understanding -- H. H. Williams
___________________________________________________________________________
If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the
shoulders of giants. -- Isaac Newton
In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side
with the giants on whose shoulders we stand. -- Gerald Holton
If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing
on my shoulders. -- Hal Abelson
In computer science, we stand on each other's feet. -- Brian K. Reid
___________________________________________________________________________
From: Dr. Stuart Savory savory.pad@sni.de / savory.pad@sni-usa.com
"If we knew what it was we were doing,
it would not be called research, would it?". -- A.Einstein
___________________________________________________________________________
From: AXYG58A@prodigy.com (Kristian Jungen)
My favorite from Einstein (forgive me if I paraphrase slightly:)
Einstein was listening to a student of his when he stated:
"Do not trouble me with your concerns with Mathematics.
I assure you, mine are greater."
___________________________________________________________________________
From: goble@infonaut.com (Clark Goble)
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and
I'm not sure about the the universe. -- Albert Einstein
___________________________________________________________________________
From: jr3000@aol.com (JR3000)
"The must incomprehensible thing about the universe is that it is
comprehensible." --Albert Einstein
__________________________________________________________________________
From: Colin_Douthwaite@equinox.gen.nz (Colin Douthwaite)
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age 18.
- Albert Einstein
___________________________________________________________________________
From: Colin_Douthwaite@equinox.gen.nz (Colin Douthwaite)
"Nothing will benefit human health and increase the chances for survival
of life on Earth as much as the evolution to a vegetarian diet"
- Albert Einstein
___________________________________________________________________________
From: sue@dnai.com (Sue Reinhold)
"You do not really understand something unless you can explain it to your
grandmother." - Albert Einstein
*__________________________________________________________________________
From: kharris@ozonline.com.au (Kevin Harris)
Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
I want to know God's thoughts; the rest are details.
Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.
Science is a wonderful thing if one does not have to earn one's living at it.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
God does not care about our mathematical difficulties. He integrates empirically.
One had to cram all this stuff into one's mind for the
examinations, whether one liked it or not. This coercion had
such a deterring effect on me that, after I had passed the
final examination, I found the consideration of any scientific
problems distasteful to me for an entire year.
...one of the strongest motives that lead men to art and science is
escape from everyday life with its painful crudity and hopeless dreariness,
from the fetters of one's own ever-shifting desires. A finely tempered
nature longs to escape from the personal life into the world of objective
perception and thought.
You're aware the boy failed my grade school math class, I take it?
And not that many years later he's teaching college. Now I ask you:
Is that the sorriest indictment of the American educational system
you ever heard? [pauses to light cigarette.] No aptitude at all
for long division, but never mind. It's him they ask to split the
atom. How he talked his way into the Nobel prize is beyond me. But
then, I suppose it's like the man says, "It's not what you know..."
Karl Arbeiter: former teacher of Albert Einstein
___________________________________________________________________________
From: karp@cybernetics.net (Eric Karp)
I never thought that others would take them so much more seriously then I did.
- Albert Einstein about his theories
___________________________________________________________________________
From: Paul D. Shocklee (pds1@cornell.edu) "When in
doubt, cause as much confusion as you can, and, with luck,
there'll always be a loophole." - Richard Mueller
___________________________________________________________________________
From: locker@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu (Jon Locker)
It is one Thing, to show a Man that he is in an Error,
and another, to put him in possession of Truth." - John Locke
___________________________________________________________________________
From: bouche2@server.uwindsor.ca (Boucher David)
It is a capital mistake to theorise before one has data.
Insensibly one begins to twist facts to suit theories
instead of theories to suit facts." - Sherlock Holmes
___________________________________________________________________________
From: mdc@math.canterbury.ac.nz (El Technicolour)
"The symbols are so illuminating that the fact that the text is
incomprehensible doesn't much matter" - A.N. Prior
___________________________________________________________________________
You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than
about 10^12 to 1. -- Ernest Rutherford
___________________________________________________________________________
If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of
arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the
physical world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker
entirely by the use of the mathematics of probability. -- Vannevar Bush
___________________________________________________________________________
CLARKE'S LAWS
Arthur C. Clarke (1917-)
When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is
possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something
is impossible, he is very probably wrong.
_Profiles of the Future_ (1962; rev. 1973)
``Hazards of Prophecy: The Failure of Imagination''
Clarke's First Law
On which he commented:
Perhaps the adjective ``elderly'' requires definition. In physics,
mathematics, and astronautics it means over thirty; in the other
disciplines, senile decay is sometimes postponed to the forties. There
are, of course, glorious exceptions; but as every researcher just out
of college knows, scientists of over fifty are good for nothing but
board meetings, and should at all costs be kept out of the laboratory!
_Profiles of the Future_ (1962; rev. 1973)
``Hazards of Prophecy: The Failure of Imagination''
But the only way of discovering the limits of the possible is to
venture a little way past them into the impossible.
_Profiles of the Future_ (1962; rev. 1973)
``Hazards of Prophecy: The Failure of Imagination''
Clarke's Second Law
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
_Profiles of the Future_ (1962; rev. 1973)
``Hazards of Prophecy: The Failure of Imagination''
Clarke's Third Law
Clarke adds: As three laws were good enough for Newton, I have modestly
decided to stop there.
A post with the ``first law'' invariably gets followed up with one
mentioning this:
When, however, the lay public rallies round an idea that is
denounced by distinguished but elderly scientists and supports that
idea with great fervor and emotion--the distinguished but elderly
scientists are then, after all, probably right.
Isaac Asimov (1920-1992)
_Fantasy & Science Fiction_ 1977 [magazine]
In answer to Clarke's First Law
___________________________________________________________________________
What used to be called a prejudice is now called a null hypothesis.
- AWF Edwards, Nature, 9th March 1971
___________________________________________________________________________
From: amills@acpub.duke.edu (Anita Mills)
It is through science that we prove, but through intuition that we discover.
- Henri Poincare
___________________________________________________________________________
From: dok@fwi.uva.nl (Sir Hans)
@A: Twain, Mark (1835-1910) *
@Q: In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Lower
Mississippi has shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. That
is an average of a trifle over one mile and a third per year.
Therefore, any calm person, who is not blind or an idiot, can see that
in the Old O\"olitic Silurian Period, just a million years ago next
November, the Lower Mississippi River was upward of one million three
hundred thousand miles long, and stuck out over the Gulf of Mexico like
a fishing-rod. And by the same token any person can see that seven
hundred and forty-two years from now the Lower Mississippi will be only
a mile and three-quarters long, and Cairo and New Orleans will have
joined their streets together, and be plodding comfortably along under
a single mayor and a mutual board of alderman. There is something
fascinating about science. One gets such wholesome returns of
conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
@R: _Life on the Mississippi_ (1883) ch. 17
___________________________________________________________________________
From: goble@infonaut.com (Clark Goble)
One could not be a successful scientist without realizing that, in
contrast to the popular conception supported by newspapers and
mothers of scientists, a goodly number of scientists are not only
narrow-minded and dull, but also just stupid.
-- J. D. Watson _The Double Helix_
___________________________________________________________________________
"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us
with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forego their use."
-- Galileo Galilei
___________________________________________________________________________
From: richard@milton.win-uk.net (Richard Milton)
"Nothing is too wonderful to be true if it be consistent with the laws of
nature." - Michael Faraday
___________________________________________________________________________
@A: Bronowski,Jacob (1908-1974)
@Q: That is the essence of science: Ask an impertinent question, and you
are on the way to a pertinent answer.
@R: Ascent of man (1973) ch.4.
__________________________________________________________________________
From: don_b@larry.infi.net (Don A. Berkowitz)
As I look back upon my education in chemistry and physics, I see that each
year I learned that the stuff I learned the previous year was either a special
case of a more general theory, an approximation, or, on occasion, an outright
lie! Nonetheless, I needed those lower order approximations to be able to
make sense of more general and conceptually more difficult formulations.
- Don A. Berkowitz
__________________________________________________________________________
From: vergon@netcom.com (Vertner Vergon)
A new scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and
making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually
die and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it.
--- Max Planck
___________________________________________________________________________
From: jr3000@aol.com (JR3000)
ORIGINALITY:
A man with a new idea is a crank until he succeeds. --Mark Twain
In every work of genius we recognize our own rejected thoughts; they come
back to us with a certain alienated majesty. --Ralph Waldo Emerson
Accept your genius and say what you think. --Emerson
From: ldiaz@ix.netcom.com (LTD)
Who never walks save where he sees men's tracks makes no discoveries. --J.G. Holland
*__________________________________________________________________________
From: edftz@aol.com (Ed Fitzgerald)
The ability to reduce everything to simple fundamental laws does not imply
the ability to start from those laws and reconstruct the universe.
-- Philip W. Anderson "More Is Different" Science magazine (1972)
*__________________________________________________________________________
From: edftz@aol.com (Ed Fitzgerald)
At each stage [of the hierarchical structure of reality] entirely new laws,
concepts and generalizations are necessary, requiring inspiration and
creativity to just as great a degree as in the previous one. ... Psychology
is not applied biology, nor is biology applied chemistry.
-- Philip W. Anderson "More Is Different" Science magazine (1972)
*__________________________________________________________________________
From: edftz@aol.com (Ed Fitzgerald)
'There is no truth beyond magic' ... reality is strange.
Many people think reality is prosaic. I don't. We don't explain things
away in science. We get closer to the mystery.
-- Brian Goodwin quoted by Roger Lewin in "Complexity" (1992)
*__________________________________________________________________________
From: edftz@aol.com (Ed Fitzgerald)
An important scientific innovation rarely makes its way by gradually winning
over and converting its opponents: it rarely happens that Saul becomes Paul.
What does happen is that its opponents gradually die out and that the growing
generation is familiarized with the idea from the beginning.
-- Max Planck "The Philosophy of Physics" (1936)
*__________________________________________________________________________
From: edftz@aol.com (Ed Fitzgerald)
Science is an integral part of culture. It's not this foreign thing, done
by an arcane priesthood. It's one of the glories of human intellectual
tradition.
-- Stephen Jay Gould
*__________________________________________________________________________
From: edftz@aol.com (Ed Fitzgerald)
The pop artist Andy Warhol once approached me at a party and told me that he
collected scientific journals, but he couldn't understand them. He drifted
away, then came back and said, "Do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Of
course not," I replied. He asked, "why does science take so long?" I said,
"Mr. Warhol, when you do a picture of Marilyn Monroe, does it have to be exactly
like her, as close to being her as you can make it?" He said, "Oh no. And
anyhow, I have this place called the Factory where my helpers do it." I
said, "Well, in science it has to be exact, as exact as you can make it."
He looked at me with limp sympathy and said, "Isn't that terrible?"
-- Gerald M. Edelman _Bright Air, Brilliant Fire_ (1992)
*__________________________________________________________________________
From: edftz@aol.com (Ed Fitzgerald)
We live in a society exquisitely dependent on science and technology, in
which hardly anyone knows anything about science and technology.
-- Carl Sagan
*__________________________________________________________________________
From: cyp@Rrlyrae.Berkeley.EDU (Chien Peng)
"The only posible conclusion the social sciences can draw is: some do,
some don't." --- Ernest Rutherford
*__________________________________________________________________________
Everything of importance has been said before by somebody who did not
discover it. -- Alfred North Whitehead
*__________________________________________________________________________
Why think? Why not try the experiment?
-- John Hunter (letter to Edward Jenner)
*__________________________________________________________________________
From: Jane Vosk [justjane@u.washington.edu]
The universe is not only queerer than we imagine,
It's queerer than we *can* imagine. -- J.B.S. Haldane
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=7. ANECDOTES ABOUT SCIENTISTS
M__________________________________________________________________________
(I'm not sure if the following one is a true story or not)
The great logician Bertrand Russell (or was it A.N. Whitehead?)
once claimed that he could prove anything if given that 1+1=1.
So one day, some smarty-pants asked him, "Ok. Prove that
you're the Pope."
He thought for a while and proclaimed, "I am one. The Pope
is one. Therefore, the Pope and I are one."
[NOTE: The following is from merritt@Gendev.slc.paramax.com (Merritt).
The story about 1+1=1 causing ridiculous consequences was, I believe,
originally the product of a conversation at the Trinity High Table.
It is recorded in Sir Harold Jeffreys' Scientific Inference, in a note
to chapter one. Jeffreys remarks that the fact that everything
followed from a single contradiction had been noticed by Aristotle (I
doubt this way of putting it is quite correct, but that is beside the
point). He goes on to say that McTaggart denied the consequence: "if
2+2=5, how can you prove that I am the pope?" Hardy is supposed to
have replied: "if 2+2=5, 4=5; subtract 3; then 1=2; but McTaggart and
the pope are two; therefore McTaggart and the pope are one." When I
consider this story, I am astonished at how much more brilliant some
people are than I (quite independent of the fallacies in the
argument).
Since McTaggart, Hardy, Whitehead, and Russell (the last two of whom
were credited with a variant of Hardy's argument in your post) were
all fellows of Trinity and Jeffreys (their exact contemporary) was a
fellow of St. Johns, I suspect that (whatever the truth of Jeffreys'
story) it is very unlikely that Whitehead or Russell had anything to do
with it. The extraordinary point to me about the story is that Hardy
was able to snap this argument out between mouthfuls, so to speak, and
he was not even a logician at all. This is probably why it came in
some people's minds to be attributed to one or other of the famous
Trinity logicians.
___________________________________________________________________________
The following problem can be solved either the easy way or the hard way.
Two trains 200 miles apart are moving toward each other; each one is
going at a speed of 50 miles per hour. A fly starting on the front of
one of them flies back and forth between them at a rate of 75 miles
per hour. It does this until the trains collide and crush the fly to
death. What is the total distance the fly has flown?
The fly actually hits each train an infinite number of times before it
gets crushed, and one could solve the problem the hard way with pencil
and paper by summing an infinite series of distances. The easy way
is as follows: Since the trains are 200 miles apart and each train is
going 50 miles an hour, it takes 2 hours for the trains to collide.
Therefore the fly was flying for two hours. Since the fly was flying
at a rate of 75 miles per hour, the fly must have flown 150 miles.
That's all there is to it.
When this problem was posed to John von Neumann, he immediately
replied, "150 miles."
"It is very strange," said the poser, "but nearly everyone tries to
sum the infinite series."
"What do you mean, strange?" asked Von Neumann. "That's how I did it!"
*__________________________________________________________________________
From: thommark@access5.digex.net (Mark A. Thomas)
How about the apocryphal story about the MIT student who cornered
the famous John von Neumann in the hallway:
Student: "Er, excuse me, Professor von Neumann, could you please
help me with a calculus problem?"
John: "Okay, sonny, if it's real quick -- I'm a busy man."
Student: "I'm having trouble with this integral."
John: "Let's have a look." (insert brief pause here)
"Alright, sonny, the answer's two-pi over 5."
Student: "I know that, sir, the answer's in the back -- I'm
having trouble deriving it, though."
John: "Okay, let me see it again." (another pause)
"The answer's two-pi over 5."
Student (frustrated): "Uh, sir, I _know_ the answer, I just don't
see how to derive it."
John: "Whaddya want, sonny, I worked the problem in two
different ways!"
___________________________________________________________________________
Von Neumann and Norbert Weiner were both the subject of many dotty
professor stories. Von Neumann supposedly had the habit of simply
writing answers to homework assignments on the board (the method of
solution being, of course, obvious) when he was asked how to solve
problems. One time one of his students tried to get more helpful
information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem.
Von Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered,
"Yes".
Weiner was in fact very absent minded. The following story is told
about him: When they moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing
that he would be absolutely useless on the move, packed him off to MIT
while she directed the move. Since she was certain that he would
forget that they had moved and where they had moved to, she wrote down
the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to him. Naturally,
in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him. He reached in
his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled
some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea,
and threw the piece of paper away. At the end of the day he went home
(to the old address in Cambridge, of course). When he got there he
realized that they had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved
to, and that the piece of paper with the address was long gone.
Fortunately inspiration struck. There was a young girl on the street
and he conceived the idea of asking her where he had moved to, saying,
"Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert Weiner and we've just
moved. Would you know where we've moved to?" To which the young girl
replied, "Yes daddy, mommy thought you would forget."
The capper to the story is that I asked his daughter (the girl in the
story) about the truth of the story, many years later. She said that
it wasn't quite true -- that he never forgot who his children were!
The rest of it, however, was pretty close to what actually happened...
___________________________________________________________________________
The french scientist Ampere was on his way to an important meeting at
the Academy in Paris. In the carriage he got a brilliant idea which he
immediately wrote down ... on the wand of the carriage: dH=ipdl/r^2. As he
arrived he payed the driver and ran into the building to tell everyone.
Then he found out his notes were on the carriage and he had to hunt through
the streets of Paris to find his notes on wheels.
___________________________________________________________________________
During a class of calculus my lecturer suddenly checked himself and
stared intently at the table in front of him for a while. Then he
looked up at us and explained that he thought he had brought six piles
of papers with him, but "no matter how he counted" there was only five
on the table. Then he became silent for a while again and then told
the following story:
"When I was young in Poland I met the great mathematician Waclaw
Sierpinski. He was old already then and rather absent-minded. Once he
had to move to a new place for some reason. His wife didn't trust
him very much, so when they stood down on the street with all their
things, she said:
- Now, you stand here and watch our ten trunks, while I go and get a
taxi.
She left and left him there, eyes somewhat glazed and humming
absently. Some minutes later she returned, presumably having called
for a taxi. Says Mr. Sierpinski (possibly with a glint in his eye):
- I thought you said there were ten trunks, but I've only counted to nine.
- No, they're TEN!
- No, count them: 0, 1, 2, ..."
___________________________________________________________________________
Albert Einstein, who fancied himself as a violinist, was rehearsing a
Haydn string quartet. When he failed for the fourth time to get his
entry in the second movement, the cellist looked up and said, "The
problem with you, Albert, is that you simply can't count."
___________________________________________________________________________
From: Colin_Douthwaite@equinox.gen.nz (Colin Douthwaite)
Einstein was attending a music salon in Germany before the second
world war, with the violinist S. Suzuki. Two Japanese women played
a German piece of music and a woman in the audience excaimed: "How
wonderful! It sounds so German!" Einstein responded: "Madam,
people are all the same."
___________________________________________________________________________
From: Colin_Douthwaite@equinox.gen.nz (Colin Douthwaite)
This is a story I heard as a freshman at the University of Utah when
Dr. Henry Eyring was still teaching chemistry there. Many years
before he and Dr. Einstein were colleagues. As they walked together
they noted an unusual plant growing along a garden walk. Dr. Eyring
asked Dr. Einstein if he knew what the plant was. Einstein did not,
and together they consulted a gardner. The gardner indicated the
plant was green beans and forever afterwards Eyring said Einstein
didn't know beans [g]. I heard this second hand and I don't know if
the story has ever been published...
___________________________________________________________________________
From: mstueben@tjhsst.vak12ed.edu (Michael A. Stueben)
The English mathematician John Wallis (1616-1703) was
a friend of Isaac Newton. According to his diary, Newton
once bragged to Wallis about his little dog Diamond.
"My dog Diamond knows some mathematics. Today he
proved two theorems before lunch."
"Your dog must be a genius," said Wallis.
"Oh I wouldn't go that far," replied Newton. "The
first theorem had an error and the second had a
pathological exception."
___________________________________________________________________________
From: ? ,corrected by rtomes@kcbbs.gen.nz (Ray Tomes)
Professor Bohr, a famous Applied Mathematician-Physicist, had a horse
shoe over his desk. One day a student asked if he really believed
that a horse shoe brought luck. Professor Dirac replied, "I
understand that it brings you luck if you believe in it or not."
tum physics" | 0
T | C |
v negative
taking quadrant 1 (all) covering positive X and Y
From: dloucks@primenet.com (Donovan Loucks)
Signs of trignometric functions in the four quadrants:
Aunt Sally Tickles Cannibals
Admiral Spock Tickles Cabbages
After Saturday, Tommy Croaked
Atra Shaved Timmy Closer
M__________________________________________________________________________
Weber Tracy L (tweber@cc.brynmawr.edu):
"Please excuse my dear aunt Sally" or "PEMDAS"
Default operator precedence () ^ * / + -
From: g4klx@g4klx.demon.co.uk (Jonathan Naylor)
I was taught a longer version at school:
"Brackets of my dear aunt Sally"
Which nicely included the fact that brackets and "of" were higher in
precedence that * / + -. Being a bunch of nasty snivelling (sp?) ten year olds,
we changed it to "Bollocks of my dear aunt Sally". For our American readers,
Bollocks == Gonads. Not biologically correct but who cares ?
From: magyar@hss.caltech.edu (Ted Turocy)
Please excuse my dear aunt Sally
parentheses exponents multiplication division addition subtraction
From: dloucks@primenet.com (Donovan Loucks)
Porno Pictures Make Dad Act Silly (algebraic order of operations)
M__________________________________________________________________________
From: boingo@agora.rdrop.com (Capuchin=Jeme A Brelin)
Quotient rule for derivatives ala Cab Calloway:
Hodehi minus hideho over hoho.
M__________________________________________________________________________
From: ssw@hamlet.umd.edu (Susan Schwartz Wildstrom)
My friend and colleague, Lynn Gruner (who teaches BC Calculus with me at
Walt Whitman HS in Bethesda, MD) has altered the quotient rule song that
we received some years back. Her version (sung to OLD MACDONALD'S FARM)
goes like this:
Lo-de-hi less hi-de-lo EIEIO
Then draw the line and down below EIEIO
With a dx here and a dy there
Here a slope, yes there's hope, you can cope
Denominator squared will go EIEIO
I composed a chain rule "song" to the tune of Allouette, but it's too
long to be of much value as a mnemonic. The point of the song certainly
underscores how the chain rule works, but it's not one you'd be likely to
remember.
On another mathematical subject, Lynn also uses EIEIO as a
mnemonic for extracting roots and when the absolute value symbols are
required in the answer Even Index, Even In yielding Odd (exponents).
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=8.3 COMPUTER SCIENCE
A__________________________________________________________________________
From: jbaldwin@teleport.com (Jim Baldwin)
For the order of declarations in Pascal:
Let's Cook Textured Vegetable Protein
For: Labels, Constants, Types, Variables, Procedures
A__________________________________________________________________________
From: tomv@vismag.limmat.net.ch (Thomas Voirol)
Two stupid ones:
CAFE - the positive (or unsigned)
first nibble in EBCDIC numbers
DB - the negative
e.g. C3 = +3
F8 = 8 (unsigned)
D9 = -9
33 45 7C = +33'457 (packed decimal)
A__________________________________________________________________________
From: fanf@moggy.inmos.co.uk (Anthony Finch)
PCMCIA: People Can't Remember Computer Industry Acronyms
damn! no, that's wrong -- it should be "Memorise". It must be true...
(even though it's not a mnemonic)
From: khm@skom.se (Karl-Henry Martinsson)
Or, as Brendan McGuire (Executive Director of PCMCIA) said: President
Clinton Makes Cornbread In Arkansas
A__________________________________________________________________________
From: bigbear@garlic.com
Computing: You don't go to the STORE to get VD.
The 360 instructions for which the second operand, instead of
the first, is the recipient of the data. (STORE and cVD-
convert to decimal)
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=8.4 PHYSICS
P__________________________________________________________________________
slavins@psy.man.ac.uk (Simon Slavin) writes:
And the planet one (which I got from Robert A. Heinlein):
Mother very thoughtfully made a jam sandwich under no protest.
for: Mercurius, Venus, thoughfully = Terra = Earth, Mars, Asteroids,
Jupiter, Saturnus, Uranus, Neptune, Pluto.
From: snowhare@xmission.com (Snowhare)
Mike Bandy wrote on 20 Jul 1994 09:33:13 -0400:
Most Volcanoes Erupt Mouldy Jam Sandwiches Under Normal Pressure
Many Viscious Earth Monsters Just Sat Under Nellies Porch
From: dolf@echo.tds.philips.nl (Dolf Grunbauer)
Planets in the solar system.
My Very Excellant Memory Just Stores Up Nine Planets.
From: badger@phylo.life.uiuc.edu (Jonathan Badger)
My Very Educated Mother Just Sent Us Nine Pizzas
Actually, currently, I guess it is Pizzas Nine...
From: jeff.zeitlin@execnet.com (Jeff Zeitlin)
Planets of the Solar System, in order:
My Very Extravagant Mother Just Sent Us Nine Parrots.
When Pluto comes closer to the sun than Neptune:
... Just Sent Us Pine Nuts.
From: kirrilyr@union3.su.swin.edu.au (Kirrily Robert - SINN Editor)
Many Very Early Mornings Julie Sits Up Naming Planets
peters@nms.otc.com.au (Peter Samuel) wrote:
My favourite is for remembering the planets in our solar system:
Most Volcanoes Erupt Mouldy Jam Sandwiches Under Normal Pressure
From: ted_swift@qm.sri.com (Ted Swift)
Matilda Visits Every Thursday, Just Stays Until Noon, Period.
From: tomv@vismag.limmat.net.ch (Thomas Voirol)
A German one:
Mein Mercury my
Vater Venus father
Erklaert Earth explains
Mir Mars (to) me
Jeden Jupiter every
Sonntag Saturn sunday
Unsere Uranus our
Neuen Neptune new
Plaene Pluto plans
This will help you remember the sequence of sol's planets. If you
speak German, that is...
P__________________________________________________________________________
From: rjohnson@apple.com (Rob Johnson)
The constellations of the zodiac:
A Tense Gray Cat Lay Very Low Sneaking Slowly Contemplating A Pounce
r a e a e i i c a a q i
i u m n o r b o g p u s
e r i c g r r i r a c
s u n e o a p t i r e
s i r i t c i s
o a o u
r r s
i n
u
s
P__________________________________________________________________________
From: eng20216@leonis.nus.sg (CHEW JOO SIANG)
How bout the one for the colours of the rainbow -
Virgin In Bed Gives You Orgasmic Release
For : violet, indigo, blue, green, yellow, orange, red.
From: dtrg@st-andrews.ac.uk (David Thomas Richard Given)
Rip Off Your Goolies Before I Vomit
From: pdundas@bfsec.bt.co.uk (Paul Dundas)
Richard of York gave battle in vain
From: drory@buphyk.bu.edu (Alon Drory)
Or the one I picked up from an Asimov essay:
Read Out Your Good Book In Verse
He also said that since Violet was just a fancy-schmancy word for
purple, more populistic minded people could also
Read Out Your Good Book In Prose
From: avg@sprintlink.net (Vadim Antonov)
Russian for spectrum colors:
Kazhdyi Okhotnik Zhelayet Znat' Gde Sidit Fazan
every hunter wants to_know where sits a_fazan
(a kind of bird)
Krasnyi Oranzhevyi Zhyoltyi Zelenyi Goluboy Siniy Fioletvyi
Red Orange Yellow Green Lt_Blue Blue Violet
From: ingvar@ki.se (Ingvar Mattsson)
Or ROY G BIV, for the same colours in the opposite direction.
From: mchndnd@marie.physik.tu-berlin.de (Neil Dobson)
Or ROY G BIV, for the same colours in the opposite direction.
Roy G. Biv,
Roy G. Biv,
He's the colour quaddie
That the spectrum gives.
Lois McMaster Bujold.
P__________________________________________________________________________
From: sjt@xun8.sr.bham.ac.uk (James Tappin)
From: cummings@u.washington.edu (Mike Cummings)
Stellar spectral classes:
Oh be a fine girl, kiss me right now - SMACK
For: 0, B, A, G, G, K, M, R, N.
From: lou@xilinx.com (Lou Sanchez-Chopitea)
Oh be a fine girl, kiss me right now sweetheart
From: cummings@u.washington.edu (Mike Cummings)
Oh Big And Ferocious Gorilla, Kill My Roommate Next Saturday!
Only Boring Astronomers Find Gratification Knowing Mnemonics.
From: lrmead@whale.st.usm.edu (Lawrence R. Mead)
On bad afternoons fermented grapes keep Mrs. Richard Nixon smiling.
P__________________________________________________________________________
From: garret@mrao.cam.ac.uk (Garret Cotter)
And while we are on the topic of color, how about the one for recalling
spectrographic notation:
Sober Physicists Don't Find Giraffes Hiding In Kitchens.
P__________________________________________________________________________
From: rjc@mail.ast.cam.ac.uk (Robert Cumming)
I used to remember Newton's First Law by singing it (sotto voce,
_of course_) to the tune of the Birdie Song:
Every body continues in its state of rest
Or of uniform motion
Until compelled by some external force to change that state of rest
Or of uniform motion
P__________________________________________________________________________
From: claybake@cae.wisc.edu (Peter Jon Claybaker)
Q: What's new (nu)?
A: mu / rho
It's the only way I can rememeber the relationship between
absolute and kinematic viscosity.
P__________________________________________________________________________
From: mje@pookie.pass.wayne.edu (Michael J. Edelman)
Another favorite, learned late in life, for electronics types:
Eli the Ice man.
It's for remembering whether current leads voltage or lags it in reactive
circuits.
In inductive ('L') circuits, voltage ('E') leads current ('I'), hence 'E L I'.
In capacitive ('C') circuits, it's the other way, so 'I C E'.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=8.5 CHEMISTRY
*C_________________________________________________________________________
From: lawson@pax.llnl.gov (William S. Lawson)
From: DPierce@world.std.com (Richard D Pierce)
How about Feynman's mnemonic for the third period of the periodic table:
"NeNa, M'gAl, SiPS Chlorine"?
H H He
Li Be B C N O F Ne
Na Mg Al Si P S Cl Ar
From: cummings@u.washington.edu (Mike Cummings)
Let me offer this one, see if it's any better. A High School teacher
taught me, "H! HeLiBebCNOFNeNaMgAlSiPSiCl!" Not much help, huh? Here's a
pronunciation key:
"H!" (Just make a loud H, then pause, looking as if you're about to pounce.
Nice dramatic effect that gets the listener's attention.)
"Heh-Lee-Beb-K'Noff-" (Easy so far)
"N'Nahm" (That's N(schwa) - Nahm[rhymes with bomb])
"Gall-Sip-Sickle"
From: mjh22@mrao.cam.ac.uk (Martin Hardcastle)
OK, _my_ high school teacher had the following:
"Hell! Here're Little Beatniks Brandishing Countless Numbers Of Flick kNives."
H He Li Be B C N O F er, Ne
"Naughty Maggie Always Sips Pure Sweet Claret"
N Mg Al Si P S Cl
He couldn't remember any more after that, so nor can I.
From: kirrilyr@union3.su.swin.edu.au (Kirrily Robert - SINN Editor)
"Hi Helen, Little Betty Boron Can Not Often Find
Neddy. Naughty Meg Always SiPS Chlorine in [thinko - no idea what this is]
Kenny's Car"
From: harper@kauri.vuw.ac.nz (John Harper)
And in chemistry we eventually learnt to pronounce the following, though
each line seems harder than the one before:
HHeLiBeBCNOF
NeNaMgAlSiPSCl
AKCaScTiVCrMnFeCoNiCuZnGaGeAsSeBr
(this was before they changed it to ArKCa...)
KrRbSrYZrNbMoTcRuRhPdAgCdInSnSbTeI
but I must admit I didn't find the rare earths memorable this way.
From: dlf@torfree.net (Doug Forkes)
Harry HElped LIttle BEnny Balmer Carry Neat Oysters From Neptune's
NAtural MenaGerie ALways SInging Polite Sonnets CLearly ARf Key CAsually.
(First 20 elements of the periodic table)
C__________________________________________________________________________
We got german, french and russian in this thread. Time for a dutch one.
The electro-negativity of Metals:
Karolientje NAaktgeboren MaG ALleen op ZoN en FEestdagen SNoepen.
Caroline nakedborn may only on sun- and Holliday eat sweets.
(=real dutch family name)
ProBeer Haar te Kussen(=Cu) achter(Ag) de Platina AUto.
Try her to kiss behind the platina car.
From: matthew@tadtec.co.uk (Matthew Sweet)
But in english:
Please Send Little Charlie McKie A Zebra If The
Horse
Can't Munch Sweet Green Plants
Potassium, Sodium, Lithium, Calcium, Magnesium, Aluminium, Zinc, Iron, ?Tin?
Hydrogen
Copper, ?Mercury?, Silver, Gold, Platinum
*C_________________________________________________________________________
From: kemp@resptk.bhp.com.au (Ian P Kemp)
Oil Rig !
(oxidation is loss, reduction ois gain ) (of electrons)
*C_________________________________________________________________________
From: kemp@resptk.bhp.com.au (Ian P Kemp)
Scandinavian television corrupts many french coalmen's neices and cousins
Sc Ti V Cr Mn Fe Co Ni Cu Zn
(1st row of transition metals)
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=8.6 BIOLOGY AND MEDICINE
___________________________________________________________________________
Cranial nerves:
From: sterner@upenn5.hep.upenn.edu (Kevin Sterner)
On Old Olympus's Towering Top, A Finn And German Viewed Some Hops
From: mje@pookie.pass.wayne.edu (Michael J. Edelman)
On Old Olympus' towering top, a fat-assed german veiwed a hop.
From: john.tant@exchange.com (John Tant)
The 12 cranial nerves,
On Old Olympus, Terry Tried Abducting Fanny After Giving Vegas Some Help
Oh, oh, oh, to touch and feel a girl's vagina- ah, heaven!
From: spbcajk@ucl.ac.uk (Mr Andrew John Kale)
Oh, Oh, Oh To Touch A Fair Virgin's Glistening Vagina And Hymen for the twelve
cranial nerves:
Olfactory, Optic, Oculomotor, Trochlear, Trigeminal, Auditory, Facial,
Vestibulocochlear, Glossopharyngeal, Vagus, Accessory, Hypoglossal
___________________________________________________________________________
From: abw@bu.edu (Al Wesolowsky)
Anatomy, for the bones of the wrist:
"Never lower Tillie's pants. Grandmother might come home."
Navicular
Lunate
Triquetral
Pisiform
Greater Multangular
Lesser Multangular
Capitate
Hamate
From: spbcajk@ucl.ac.uk (Mr Andrew John Kale)
I was always taught this as :
Scabby Lucy Tried Peeing Having Copulated Twenty Times
Scaphoid Lunate Triquetral Pisiform Hamate Capitate ... and two others I've
forgotten (it was a long time ago!)
*B_________________________________________________________________________
From: dpbsmith@world.std.com (Daniel P. B. Smith)
Biology: Kings play cards on fairly good soft velvet. (Kingdom,
Phylum, Class, Order, Family, Genus, Species, Variety).
From: gjb@evolving.com (Gregory Bloom)
Then there's the ever-popular
'King Phillip Cuts Open Five Green Snakes'
for Kingdom, Phylum, Class, Order, Family, Genus, Species
From: alderc@aol.com (Alder Castanoli)
King Philip Came Over From Germany Speedily
From: joev@garden.WPI.EDU (Joseph W. Vigneau):
Ian Young [iyoung@buddy.wright.edu] wrote:
King Phillip Came Over For George's Sword
From: joev@garden.WPI.EDU (Joseph W. Vigneau):
King Phillip Came Over For Good Sex
From: scs@eskimo.com (Steve Summit)
King Philip can only farm green spinach.
From: olivcm@OAMPC7.uucp (Colleen M. Oliver)
King Phillip Came Over For Green Spaghetti.
From: Charlie Gibbs (Charlie_Gibbs@mindlink.bc.ca)
King Phillip Came Over for a Glass of Scotch
From: ab401@freenet.carleton.ca (Paul Tomblin)
King Phillip: Come Out For God's Sake.
(From Colin Fletcher, "The Man Who Walked Through Time" - a book about a walk
down the length of the Grand Canyon)
From: (scotcampbell@delphi.com)
King Phillip Came Over From German Soil
Kings Play Chess On Fat Girls Stomachs
From: gedau [gedau@mim.com.au]
Kinky People Can Only Fuck Goannas Sideways.
From: tjd@db.erau.edu (Tim Drozinski)
King Phillip Came On Four Groovy Skanks.
King Phillip Came On Five Gorgeous Sluts.
From: sichase@csa5.lbl.gov (SCOTT I CHASE)
King Phillip Came Over From Germany, Stoned on Gin, Rum, and Vodka.
This gives you subspecies classifications as well (variety, etc.)
From: dloucks@primenet.com (Donovan Loucks)
Way, back in high school, one of the gals in our Advanced Biology class
was named Kim. So, the mnemonic was:
Kim's Pretty Coccyx Often Feeds Green Snakes
From: badger@phylo.life.uiuc.edu (Jonathan Badger)
Kraft Parmesian Cheese On Fingers Gets Sticky
B__________________________________________________________________________
From: Peter Berger [peterb@telerama.lm.com]
All Chaperones Must Previously Have Had Sex.
Animalia, Chordata, Mammalia, Primata, Hominidae, Homo, Sapiens.
Man's taxonomy.
B__________________________________________________________________________
From: sclatter@littlewing.Eng.Sun.COM (Sarah Clatterbuck)
Then there's my personal fave, because I made it up:
"Lazy zebras ponder dire disasters."
leptotene zygotene polytene diplotene diakinesis
I think the spellings may be wrong. They're the five sub-phases
of the prophase of mitosis (cell division).
*B_________________________________________________________________________
From: mmmr4za1@fs2.scg.man.ac.uk (Zahid Ahmed)
S2,3,4 ...keeps the penis off the floor. (Innervation)
ONE heart, TWO lungs (ß1 receptors in the heart, ß2 in the lungs)
Two Zulu's Buggered My Cat (Facial muscles, Temporal, Zygomatic.....etc,)
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=8.7 MISCELLANY
___________________________________________________________________________
From: cbutler@bnr.ca (Chris Butler) writes:
I remember one for the metric system:
"King Hector Doesn't Usually Drink Cold Milk"
for Kilo 1000
Hecto 100
Deca 10
Units 1
Deci 0.1
Centi 0.01
Milli 0.001
From: jsandler@encore.com (Jeff Sandler)
My math teacher, who taught us a similar one, must have been more..um...
sadist.
"Kill Hector Dead [units], Dear Cousin Milli."
___________________________________________________________________________
From: davek@microware.com (Dave Kimble)
MUSIC:
order of sharps:
Father Charles Goes Down And Ends Battle
order of flats:
Battle Ends And Down Goes Charles' Father
___________________________________________________________________________
Richard F. Drushel [rfd@po.CWRU.Edu] wrote:
Every good boy does fine = line notes, treble clef, bottom to top
From: harper@kauri.vuw.ac.nz (John Harper)
Every good boy deserves food
though girls quoted it as:
Every good boy deserves flogging.
E__________________________________________________________________________
From: jmpierce@medea.gp.usm.edu (Jim M. Pierce)
Color codes resistors:
'Bad Boys Rape Our Young Girls But Violet Gives Willingly, Get Some
Now.'
black brown red yellow green blue violet grey white gold silver
GSN stands for the plus or minus bit... 5 percent, 10 percent,
and 20 percent. i.e. 100 ohms, plus or minus 5 percent.
From: jac@ds8.scri.fsu.edu (Jim Carr)
Bad Boys Rape Our Young Girls But Violet Gives Willingly, for Gold or Silver.
From: tonyg@kcbbs.gen.nz (Tony Garnock-Jones)
: Yes, but I always get stuck trying to remember is "bad" black or is
: "boys"? I always forget without difficulty. Blue and the two g's I can
: remember no problem.
BlAck -] BAd
BrOwn -] BOys
BlUe -] BUt
The second letter of each B-word is the _third_ letter of the word it
stands for :-) Neat pattern...
From: rcsacw@rwc.urc.tue.nl (Christ van Willegen)
Black bastards Rape Our Young Girls But Violet Gives Willingly.
(offending, but easier to remember black, brown)
From: wingo@apple.com (Tony Wingo)
This alternative version solves that problem:
Blackie Brown rapes our young girls but violet gives willingly.
From: woodman@bnr.ca (Dave Woodman)
"Billy Brown Revives On Your Gin, But Values Good Whisky."
From: jlowrey@skat.usc.edu (Fritz Lowrey)
Bad Beer Rots Our Young Guts, But Vodka Goes Well
Grant Edwards [grante@reddwarf.rosemount.com] wrote:
Better Be Ready, Or Your Great Big Venture Goes West.
(goes west = fails, dies)
From: eeyimkn@unicorn.nott.ac.uk (M. Knell)
My eternal favourite (and the one that nobody's mentioned yet):
Black Beetles Running On Your Garden Bring Very Good Weather
From: thomas@melchior.frmug.fr.net (Thomas Quinot)
French version :
Ne Mangez Rien Ou Jeunez, Voila Bien Votre Grande Betise.
___________________________________________________________________________
From Charlie_Gibbs@mindlink.bc.ca:
There's no red port wine left. (navigation light colours)
___________________________________________________________________________
From: bigbear@garlic.com
Geology: Terrible Giants Can Find Alligators Or Quaint Tigers
Conveniently Digestible.
Hardness scale for minerals: Talc, Gypsum, Calcite, Flourite,
Apatite, Orthoclase feldspar, Quartz, Topaz, Corundum, Diamond.
___________________________________________________________________________
From: dpbsmith@world.std.com (Daniel P. B. Smith)
Geology: "Come on, see daring men play polo." (Cambrian, Ordovician,
Silurian, Devonian, Mississippian, Permian, Pennsylvanian).
"Phooey! Even old men play polo, right?" (Palaeocene, Eocene, Oligocene,
Miocene, Pliocene, Pleistocene, and Recent).
From: john.tant@exchange.com (John Tant)
Campbell's Onion Soup Does Make People Puke.
___________________________________________________________________________
From: jeff.zeitlin@execnet.com (Jeff Zeitlin)
From navigation, for converting between True, Magnetic, and Compass directi
applying variation and deviation:
True virgins make dull company
Or backwards:
can dead men vote twice
*__________________________________________________________________________
From: dloucks@primenet.com (Donovan Loucks)
Joan found Mark and Mike jumping Janet and Susan outside Nora's Drugstore .
= months of the year
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
=9. PRANKS
C__________________________________________________________________________
by Alan Meiss, ameiss@gn.ecn.purdue.edu
Wherein the author relates the Tale of the Exploding Pen.
Everyone who's taken high school chemistry probably has some
entertaining stories of experiments not included in the syllabus,
myself included. A friend and I did a great deal of spontaneous
research in our class involving myriad flame tests and chemical
combinations "Mother Nature never intended." I recall one time
when the teacher left the room, and my friend dashed into the
storeroom in the back to see what he could filch. He returned
with a heaping handful of silver nitrate powder, which isn't
exactly recommended handling procedure for this chemical. When
rapid discomfort made him dispose of this material, the rest of
us observed to our amazement that his entire hand had turned
silver. By the end of the day it had turned purple. But all
this, of course, is peripheral to the Tale of the Exploding Pen.
One day in Chemistry class we were using calcium metal,
which reacts with water to give off hydrogen gas and heat. This
was definitely Nifty, and I saved several pieces. It became a
source of amusement to drop it in a puddle of water and watch it
bubble and sputter, then quickly hand it to someone during a
quiet class to provoke an alarmed bellow (the stuff got pretty
hot). By the afternoon I had one piece left, which I, based on
thought processes that now entirely elude me, stored, along with
some water, in my pen, one of those Bic Biros with the large
white barrel and detachable endcap. It soon slipped my mind that
I'd done this, and I went on my way to Biology class. Midway
through class, we were wrapping up an experiment, with the
teacher giving a lecture and the class taking notes. I was
standing in the back of the room, writing down final data from
our petri dishes of E. Coli, when my pen exploded. It was very
loud, louder than a firecracker, and I looked up to see every
face in the class staring at me and the remnant of my pen with
great alarm. The resulting silence was finally broken when
someone muttered "his pen exploded!" I tried to play it cool,
giving my pen as cursory an inspection as possible, as if this
were a frequent occurence of little concern, and returned to an
extroadinarily studious job of note-taking. The teacher just
smiled and continued the lecture in a bit; I guess he was used to
this sort of thing.
We had some other interesting experiences in this biology
course, including the development of Live Chicken Bowling, and the
concealment of chickens in people's personal belongings. In one
class I remember, one of the kids wadded up paper towels into a
foot-wide ball, and for reasons I don't fathom arrived at the
decision to set it on fire when the teacher left the room. Too
late it occcurred to him that a large ball of fire is fairly
conspicuous in a classroom setting, so he stuffed it into the lab
drawer beside his desk just before the teacher returned. The
sudden earnest interest in the lecture he tried to demonstrate
was not enough to distract from the smoke rising from his desk,
however, and he got in a significant amount of trouble.
But let me return once again to Chemistry class. In all, it
was a fairly boring class, and we even had to pursue non-
flammable entertainment. I programmed a Blackjack game on my
pocket computer, and we would pass it around the class for all to
play. A lively betting pool would sometimes start when the score
got high. One day we managed to play a full game of Risk in the
back of the room during lecture. Some of us would spend a half
an hour at a stretch duplicating Muppet noises from Sesame Street
episodes: "Tiiiick Tooooock BrrrrrrrRING! Yupyupyupyup". Others
would interupt any rare quiet moments by yanking leg hairs from
other guys wearing shorts. None of this infantilism, however,
can compare to the mayhem related to me by one of my roommates
that went on in his own high school chemistry class.
He had a particularly anarchic chem class that seemed to
involve an impressive amount of pyrotechnics. On one occassion,
someone threw a fist-sized chunk of potassium metal in a sink
full of water, which destroyed it (both sink and water) with a
great shower of sparks. Another time his classmates covered an
entire desktop with infamous nitrogren tri-iodide, an unstable
compound made from ammonia and iodine that explodes when touched,
leaving purple stains. They detonated it by throwing a paper
airplane, blowing the top off the desk. In an act of tremendous
stupidity, they filled an entire liter beaker with the gray
incendiary material from sparklers, and when some fool tossed in
a match, the resulting column of fire burned holes in both the
table and ceiling. In an extra-curriculur adventure, they piled
a mound of thermite they'd prepared in class on a particularly
despised person's driveway. When ignited, it blasted a foot wide
hole through the concrete and down to the dirt. Their most
notable "achievement", however, was placing in someone's locker
in a dish of water a large chunk of some unknown material that
gives off noxious odors when moist. He said that the resulting
nauseating stench spread through the entire school. One girl
barfed in mid-sprint to the bathroom, and the school had to
evacuate the building and cancel classes for the rest of the day.
In an entire semester of Chemistry class, his only remotely
educational experience was learning to make soap, and he had to
repeat the subject here at Purdue, minus the pyrotechnics.
PCB________________________________________________________________________
From: junep@bu.edu (June Peckingham)
I recall those days of high school science pranks well.
(although our chem teacher was much to smart to ever
leave sodium of potassium where we could find it).
-Earth Science - learning to burn skin with a magnifying
glass. Also learned that chalk, when heated with
a magnifying glass, will explode.
-Biology - Actively participated in an experiment to
kill the mutant fish that lived in the aquarium.
We tried everything - soda, windex, acid. These
guys were tough. The other high point of bio
was having a frog pee down my friend's arm, cool.
-Chemistry - In a neighboring school one of the hooligans
superglued everything in the classroom. The
teacher was infuriated. When he went to sit down
he found that his chair was also stuck in place.
He did succeed in moving it, only by removing the
four floor tiles it was glued to. My high school
chem teacher was too scary to try anything fun on.
I did manage to light a table on fire though.
-Physics - Our physics teacher was cool. He let us form
a line into the hall and use the power of the Van
de Graph generator to shock passers by. hehe. We
also got to chop a large block of wood off his
stomach to demonstrate inertia. He taught us the
'to every force there is an equal and opposite..'
by throwing himself against a wall while wearing
roller skates.
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: arildj@edb.tih.no (Arild Jensen)
A friend of mine got a hold of a large chunck of potassium metal which
he brought to a party. He managed to dare another guy to make it
explode. The other guy wasn't of the brightest type, and he didn't
believe it would explode in contact with water. Anyhow, stupid as
he was, he went to the bathroom and thew it into the toilet. Nothing
happened, so he went back out again, saying to my friend "Hey, nothing
happe...." BANG!!!!!!!!!!!!! The whole bathroom was covered with smoke,
and the toilet-seat was completely ruined, cracked and everything.
The guy who held the party had to use the neighbors bathroom the
following week, until his own one got repaired.
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: pkukla@silver.ucs.indiana.edu (Peter Kukla)
When I was in High School, one of my classmates was having a serious
problem with people stealing his lunch. Every day it disappeared from
his locker (don't recall whether his lock was broken off or what.)
Complaining to the principal did no good, so he went to his father, a
pharmacist.
His father gave him some substance (Silver Nitrate) which didn't discolor
the food, but which turned your skin black or purple when you came in
contact with it.
This guy liberally coated his food with it, and waited. I was fortunate
enough to see the results.
Another classmate, who had ostensibly gone to the bathroom, returned to
the math class, hiding his hands and face as best he could. It didn't
work - his dyed skin was obvious. A cohort of his didn't even bother to
return to class, he just fled the school for the day.
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: meyerar@scooby.beloit.edu (Arden Meyer)
When I was in High School, my chemistry teacher had the privilege of
scaring most of the freshman chem class. He had a wooden cutting block set
out on the bench at the front of the class, with a large butcher's knife.
After everyone took their seats, he produced an apple, two 200 mL beakers
containing clear fluid, an empty 500 mL beaker, and an eye dropper. He
proceeded to cut the apple in half, and then place the knife back in a
locked drawer (he didn't trust us!). With the dropper, he squirted some of
liquid A onto one half of the apple, and we all saw it eat away at the apple
rather quickly. Then, after rinsing the dropper, he squirted some of liquid
B onto the remaining half of the apple, which also ate it away. He then
poured liquid A and liquid B into the 500 mL beaker, and swirled the mixture
for a few moments (about twenty seconds). He then downed the whole thing in
one big swallow!
As it turned out, liquid A was hydrocloric acid, and liquid B was sodium
hydroxide. They were both of the same molarity, and so when mixed, they
produced salt water. The most interesting happening of this was the next
year, when a young lady passed out as the teacher swallowed his drink...
## if you have the stupidity to try this, make sure you know alot about
chemistry and that you get the concentrations right!!! ##
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: glyle@marie.seas.ucla.edu (George Lyle (233789))
Not quite a prank, but dang funny:
While I was in a high school chem class, the teacher was
showing how to properly heat a test tube with a Bunsen
burner. He said "never point the mouth of the tube
toward you like this (pointing tube at his head)" Always
point the test tube away from your body (turns test tube
away). At that instant, the alcohol/acid solution in the
tube shot out and ignited, flaming a 5 foot periodic
table on the wall. Half of class broke out laughing while
other half was frozen in seats. Teacher grabs fire bottle
and puts out fire. Teacher never gave that demo in the
same way again!
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: tomcheng@soda.berkeley.edu (Thomas T. Cheng)
We must have had the same chem teacher or something. The exact same
thing happened in our class, except it was our homework that caught on fire.
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: michaec@beaufort.sfu.ca (Strider Coyle)
This happened to me, except the *bottom* of the tube blew off
and lit my binder on fire.
P__________________________________________________________________________
From: isoner@clt.fx.net (Isoner)
My science teacher gave a demonstration on electric current by makeing
circits in beakers of salt water. Then he dropped it so that half of it
was in a beaker and the other half was out. Theoreticaly he should have
been able to pick it up with no problem because it was not completeing a
circut. would have been safe, except he was leaning against the metal
plumbing. He almost put a dent in the chalk board.
Later in the year he used the gas lines in the class rooms to blow
bubbles and them ignite them with a match. There is still a scorch mark
uon the celing.
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: Trish or CJ [TBC104@psuvm.psu.edu]
When I was in high school I pulled off this particular prank. This one guy
in the class was always pissing me off, so I conspired to make a fool of him
in front of the class. The next day during chem lab, we were informed that
we would be using concentrated sulfuric acid, which is clear. Anyway,
during the lab, I took the beaker full of sulfuric acid (and this is the
kind of stuff that burns through flesh) and hid it behind a desk. I then
filled an identical beaker full of steaming-hot, but not burning-hot water.
I used a wax pencil to write on the outside. 'Concentrated Sulfuric Acid'.
Then I walked over to this guy that was pissing me off and got his
attention. I took a medicine dropper, filled it with the stuff (which he
thought was acid) and shot it all over his face. It was hot water, so he
thought he was burning! He started screaming, 'Cj threw acid on me!!!' And
promptly began thrashing and shrieking. Everyone stared at me. Then I held
the beaker aloft, threw my head back and drank the whole thing. The teacher
nearly dropped dead on the spot. The rest you can just imagine. --CJ Calo
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: rcousine@malibu.sfu.ca (Ryan John Cousineau)
My High School science courses were similarly interesting.
We had a Science 10 teacher who wasn't usually much for science. As a
demonstration, he dropped a blob of sodium into a pan of water. Very
impressive. Especially when, with a "pop" the sodium exploded in front
of the teacher. He did the demo for the next block with a much smaller
piece of sodium...
Another good one was our Chem 12 teacher, who left some disgusting,
viscous black mixture on his lab table at the front of the class. We
were all busy at our desks, when all of a sudden there was a huge,
loud "POP!" and the sucker exploded! Blew black goo up to the ceiling,
over the front desks, down to the floor. The stuff on the ceiling
never did come off, and some of the students would no longer sit in
the front row.
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: gandalf@gibeah.connected.com (Gandalf the Grey)
Ammonium tri-iodide is an extremely fun chemical. But you have to be
careful. My chem prof played a really cool joke on this really annoying
bastard in my class. Real pop-off, and he deserved it. You simply fix
iodine crystals (expensive) and ammonia (roughtly as much as the crystals
can dissolve into). While it is liquid, it's reasonably safe. Don't use
more than a drop on anything, since it will explode once it's dry, and
can be dangerous.
However, when placed on a countertop in a very small amount, the first
person to touch it gets quite a surprise and a stain on their skin and
doesn't come off easily. Hilarious actually. I've only made it once,
though.
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: eapu160@rigel.oac.uci.edu (Mr. Wizard)
I know that this doesn't really count as a "prank", but once in high
school chem we were doing potassium experiments, and there were 36
students (so there were 37 people including the teacher). Each student
has 20 test tubes full of water and into each one he or she places a small
amount of potassium (the experiment was supposed to test the production
of hydrogen.) After the experiment, each person puts the test tubes into
a central trash can (for those of you slow in math, that's 740 test tubes
EACH ONE of which is pumping out hydrogen.) Later on we were doing tests
with glowing splints, and the teacher said "don't put a burning splint into
the trash can" (for obvious reasons) Well, one girl thought that a glowing
splint (not burning) would be ok. All I can say is that the column of
red flame was more spectacular than any movie nuclear blast! In fact,
to this day (6 years later), there is still a very large burn mark on
the ceiling of that classroom.
Another one with the same teacher was another potassium mishap. Since
potassium cannot be stored in water, it is stored in a sort of oil. Well,
he took a golf-ball size chunk and held it in is hand as he cut it. Un-
fortunately, the oil was slippery and the chunk fell into the beaker.
Well, what happened was that the beaker EXPLODED and impaled the teacher
with several bits of glass (he was in hospital for a day or two) and the
desk was strewn with a hundred or so pock-marks.
However, one real prank was with the SAME teacher was in order to keep
sanity and good behaviour in class, he would keep 2 squirt guns with
him. One with water, and the other with SILVER NITRATE SOLUTION. (this
stuff looks just like water but it turns skin BLACK on contact) He shot
about 4 people during the year, but only one girl (the same one with the
hydrogen) got the silver nitrate (on the FACE!!!).
Finally, this was one I did in college. My first year in the dorms,
I would keep a bottle of root beer which someone would continually drink
without my knowing. After I couldn't stand it anymore, I went to a
friend in the chem dept. and asked him for an acid/base indicator that
turns base pink (I forget what the indicator was), and put a bit in my
root beer bottle. The plan was that human urine is somewhat base, so
when the culprit drank my root beer, he began to pee pink. Needless
to say, about 12 hours later, this guy thought he was gonna die!
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: daudo@bcars201.bnr.ca (Dau Do)
Yeah, these stories remind me about my science teacher. He's used to wear
a prescripted sunglass so that no one knew that he's sleeping while students
were writing test. Anyway, after one of the experiments that used acids, one
guy in my class pour the acid on his desk. He didn't know and took off his
glass put on the wet spot. When he put it on again, his skin burned left a
red circular around his eyes ...
___________________________________________________________________________
From: lister@dbreath.uucp (Lister)
Well I am a Medical Technologist, and through the years in the field
we have pulled some good jokes. One of the funny ones I can remember is a day
when I was working in Hematology. One of the other techs, that was working in
Chemistry, was this real whining hypochondriac. Well he came over to me
telling me that he felt really sick and was wondering if I would run A CBC and
Differential on him. So I drew his blood and labeled it and it to hematology
and ran it.. It was normal as normal could be, but I decided to have a bit of
fun. Earlier in the day a known CLL patient had been in and gave some blood,
so I took one of the extra tubes, poured it into a new tube and labeled it
with this techs info (making sure to make a mark as to not confuse the real
sample up). Well I ran the CLL pt. blood and made a smear, then I went over
to him and said "you had better take a look at this". He came over and looked
at the results and then looked at the smear, and went a bit pale and said that
I must have mixed it up, with somebody else. So I gave him the falsely
labeled tube and he ran it himself getting the same results. You should have
seen his face I thought he was gonna Die right there! Anyway I let him suffer
for about 2 min. or so then gave him the real results and from the look on his
face I though I was gonna die!
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: lwric1@MFS04.cc.monash.edu.au (LUKE RICHARDS)
My Yr 12 chemistry teacher (young guy, had only been teaching for
about three or four years) told us about the time when he was at College
doing his dip ed, and he was working with sodium. He was pouring the kerosine
off the oil and down the sink, and there was one chip of sodium left at the
bottom of the tin he was emptying (unfortunately for him). Well, it fell out,
and because someone had been using the sink before him there was water in
there. The sodium ignited, flared and set the kerosine on fire which then
raced along the length of the sink and down the plughole with one almighty
explosion.
He said he had to have a haircut that night because he lost his
fringe and both his eyebrows.
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: gapv64@cent.gla.ac.uk (Brian Ewins)
Yet another exploding light metal story....
A friend of mine was recently doing a PhD in Chemistry in
the building next door to where I am writing this... anyway,
his project seemed to involve increasingly more dangerous
chemicals for no good reason.
Normally, you sign out all chemicals, and they're all
accounted for at the end of the day. But, towards the end of
his PhD, he opened one of his cupboards to discover a jar
of Sodium that he'd got, never used, and the paperwork (it
turned out) for it had since been lost.
This was *2 Kg* of sodium in a big lump.
Sodiums not very dense, that's a big f**ker.
Anyhow, the fate of this lost lump was to accompany
some of the students out to a lake in the park, where they
threw it...still in its jar (that they managed to get this
far at all is kinda surprising because they were all completely
blootered at the time).
And then, in a masterpiece of forward planning, they
got out the airgun :o) ... 'cos they were all drunk, and the jar
(now floating on the lake) was fairly thick, it took quite a few
shots to break.
Surprisingly, the thing didn't explode...it just sat there
burning. (obviously only the surface of the lump was reacting, but
even so...) So they all sat down, cracked open some more beers,
and watched the sodium light up the night. Cool.
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: [NEMCC@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU]
What follows is not an invented joke, but a true story, although I may have
embellished it a little over many years of telling. "Sister Karen" was a nun
and a Chemistry teacher who had come to work on her Master's degree with my now
retired colleague Prof Herbert Meislich , who happens to be Jewish. Her first
task was to monobrominate a ketone. She added her Br2, and started the stirrer
as instructed....nothing happened ..... STILL no decolorisation...... after
some time she is getting worried, and asks another student, who told her -
"See that man over there - that's Prof McKelvie, ask him" A slightly out of
breath nun comes up to me - "Prof McKelvie? My reaction won't work !" My evil
mind was thinking WHICH of her reactions was not working, but that's another st
story. ) Anyway, I could have told her that bromination is dependent on making
the enol, and this is promoted ny acid, so that the HBr produced will aid
enolisation and all will be well. BUT - that morning I'd found on the floor a
Star of David that had fallen off some Jewish girl's neck, and I'd been looking
for the owner... INSPIRATION! - the problem is that you've had the wrong
theoretical training ! Just a moment ....I tied the Star of David around her
apparatus, added a few drops of hydrochloric acid just to help things along,
and announced that NOW it would work in five minutes ! It took four minutes
and 50 seconds by my watch. "SEE?!" She had the brains and a good Irish sense
of humour to realise she was being "had", and I explained that it was her
Organic Chemistry that was being deficient, not theology......
(Aftermath - two Jewish girls came down from upstairs and wanted to borrow the
gold chain so that THEIR reactions would work better........) Neil McKelvie
C__________________________________________________________________________
From: [U58563@uicvm.uic.edu]
"Back when I was taking Chemistry 101, my instructor did a little demonstration
" [this is the proper start for this Urban Legend]
"He pointed to a large beaker on the table full of yellow liquid. He said:
The first thing a chemist must learn is not to be disgusted by anything. This
is a beaker of horse urine. The simplest way to determine if the horse is
diabetic (dipping his finger in the beaker) has always been to simply taste for
sugar! (licking his finger!)"
"Is there anyone here willing to demonstrate?" and a big guy from a fraternity
came up with a grin on his face to taste the "urine", knowing it was a gag.
He dipped his finger in the "urine" and licked it dry --- and from the
expression on his face, it really was urine!
"The second thing a chemist must learn is to be observant! (Holding up his
hand, the professor demonstrates.) I dipped the _other_ finger!!!"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
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