.TH animal humor \n(mo/\n(dy/\n(yr "Animal Humor"
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A N I M A L H U M O R
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Canonical List Of Animal Humor (Purrversities)
Archive-Name: animal [plain text version]
animal.html [HTML Web version]
Last-Modified: 95/03/01
Version: 3.01
Total-Joke-Count: 461
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Many thanks to the following contributors since the last version:
dcohen@paul.rutgers.edu (Dawn Myfanwy Cohen)
CONTENTS
BEAR
BIRD
CAT
COW
DOG
ELEPHANT
FISH
GIRAFFE
GOAT
HORSE
INSECT
PIG
PRIMATE
RABBIT
SHEEP
OTHER ANIMALS
================================================================================
== BEAR ========================================================================
-= bear =-= 1 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Where do polar bears vote?
The North Poll.
-= bear =-= 2 =--------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a grizzly bear and a black bear?
Just climb a tree. If it climbs the tree after you, it's a black bear. If it
knocks the tree down, it's a grizzly bear.
or
Black bear droppings have berries in them. Grizzly bear droppings have bells in
them.
-= bear =-= 3 =--------------------------------------------------------------
A panda spent the night in bed with a prostitute. The following morning as
he is about ready to leave, the prostitute yells after him, "Hey, aren't you
going to pay me?"
The panda appears confused so she throws a dictionary at him and tells him to
look up 'prostitute.' The definition reads: 'A woman who engages in promiscuous
sexual activity for pay.'
The panda throws the dictionary back at the prostitute and tells her to look
up 'panda.' The definition reads: 'An animal that eats bushes, shoots, and
leaves.'
-= bear =-= 4 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Why don't Mr. and Mrs. Smokey Bear have any children?
Because every time she gets hot, he hits her over the head with a shovel and
throws dirt on her.
-= bear =-= 5 =--------------------------------------------------------------
A polar bear was out driving one day when he suddenly started having engine
trouble. He pulled into the next service station and asked the walrus there to
take a look at it.
The walrus drove the car into the workshop and put up on the hoist. After
looking at it for a bit he returned and said to the polar bear, "You've blown a
seal", to which the bear replied, "No, honestly! That's just mayonnaise from
lunch!"
-= bear =-= 6 =--------------------------------------------------------------
How do you catch a bear?
You dig a hole and fill it with ash. Then you line the edge of the hole with
peas. When to bear stops to have a pea, you kick him in the ash-hole.
How do you catch a polar bear?
1st, you cut a hole in the ice.
2nd, take a can of peas and line them up one by one around the hole in the ice.
3rd, when the polar bear comes up to take a pea, kick him in the ice hole.
-= bear =-= 7 =--------------------------------------------------------------
In June of 1994, the Central Park Zoo (New York) revealed that it had paid an
animal behaviorist $25,000 for psychotherapy for Gus, its nine-year-old polar
bear, who was involved in various repetitive behaviors, which the zoo director
said could have been a mild neurosis. The behaviorist recommended creating games
to make Gus' life less monotonous.
-= bear =-= 8 =--------------------------------------------------------------
(best spoken very fast)
A Bear walks into a bar in Burnaby, B.C. The Bear walks up to the bar and
says, "Bartender, Bring me a Beer!".
The Bartender looks at the Bear and says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve beers to
bears in bars in Burnaby, B.C."
The Bear says, "Well, I want a beer bud. You best bring it!"
"I'm sorry we don't serve beers to bears in bars in Burnaby, B.C."
The Bear says, "Bartender, see that broad at the end of the bar?"
"You mean the beautiful babe with the big boobs in the blue blouse?"
"Yeah, now bring me a beer or that broad'll be my brunch!"
"I'm sorry, we don't serve beers to bears in bars in Burnaby, B.C."
So the Bear walks down the bar, creeps up behind the woman, and [*CHOMP*]
eats her whole.
"Now," says the Bear, "bring me my beer!"
"I'm sorry we don't serve beers to bears in bars in Burnaby, B.C., and
besides, you don't need one."
"What do you mean?"
"That was a Barbituate."
-= bear =-= 9 =--------------------------------------------------------------
There was this bear shitting in the woods. A rabbit happened to be hopping
by. The bear spotted the rabbit and said to the rabbit, "Does shit stick to
your fur?"
The rabbit replied, "I don't think so!"
Then the bear picked up the rabbit and wiped his ass on it.
================================================================================
== BIRD ========================================================================
-= bird =-= 1 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
or
Because it was too long to walk around.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
Roseanne Barr: Urrrrrp. What chicken?
Roland Barthes: The chicken wanted to expose the myth of the road.
Ludwig van Beethoven: What? Speak up.
Bill the Cat: Oop Ack. Ppthpt.
Leopold Bloom: Wonder why chickens cross roads. Must be some law. Migration
maybe. Mrs. Marion Bloom.
Molly Bloom: The chicken crossed the road well Poldy I dont know why why do you
worry about such stupid bloody things O speaking of stupid bloody things here
it comes again damn it its only been three weeks I wonder is there something
wrong with me yes.
Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
George Bush: To face a kinder, gentler thousand points of headlights.
Caesar: To come, to see, to conquer.
Candide: To cultivate its garden.
Joseph Conrad: Mistah Chicken, he dead.
Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to
grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the
temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo
sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.
Salvador Dali: The fish.
Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
Thomas Dequincy: Because it ran out of opium.
Jacques Derrida: What is the *difference*? The chicken was merely deferring
from one side of the road to other. And how do we get the idea of the chicken
in the first place? Does it exist outside of language?
Rene Descartes: It had sufficient reason to believe it was dreaming anyway.
Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.
Bob Dylan: How many roads must one chicken cross?
T.S. Eliot: Weialala leia / Wallala leialala.
T.S. Eliot (revisited): Do I dare to cross the road?
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Epicurus: For fun.
Paul Erdos: It was forced to do so by the chicken-hole principle.
Basil Fawlty: Oh, don't mind that chicken. It's from Barcelona.
Pierre de Fermat: I just don't have room here to give the full explanation.
Gerald R. Ford: It probably fell from an airplane and couldn't stop its forward
momentum.
Michel Foucault: It did so because the dicourse of crossing the road left it no
choice; the police state was oppressing it.
Sigmund Freud: The chicken was obviously female and obviously interpreted the
pole on which the crosswalk sign was mounted as a phallic symbol of which she
was envious, selbstverstaendlich.
Robert Frost: To cross the road less traveled by.
Zsa Zsa Gabor: It probably crossed to get a better look at my legs, which,
thank goodness, are good, dahling.
Gilligan: The traffic started getting rough; the chicken had to cross. If not
for the plumage of its peerless tail, the chicken would be lost. The chicken
would be lost!
Johann Friedrich von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on,
but it was moving very fast.
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
Adolf Hitler: It needed Lebensraum.
David Hume: Out of custom and habit.
Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite
justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Lee Iacocca: It found a better car, which was on the other side of the road.
John Paul Jones: It has not yet begun to cross!
James Joyce: Once upon a time, a nicens little chicken named baby tuckoo
crossed the road and met a moocow coming down...
James Joyce: To forge in the smithy of its soul the uncreated conscience of its
race.
Immanuel Kant: Because it was a duty.
Martin Luther King: It had a dream.
James Tiberius Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Jacques Lacan: Because of its desire for *object a*.
Stan Laurel: I'm sorry, Ollie. It escaped when I opened the run.
Leda: Are you sure it wasn't Zeus dressed up as a chicken? He's into that kind
of thing, you know.
Gottfried Von Leibniz: In this best possible world, the road was made for it to
cross.
H. P. Lovecraft: To escape the eldritch, cthonic, rugose, polypous,
indescribably horrible abomination not from our space-time continuum.
Paul de Man: The chicken did not really cross the road because one side and the
other are not really opposites in the first place.
Paul de Man (uncovered after his death): So no one would find out it wrote for
a collaborationist Belgian newspaper during the early years of World War II.
Groucho Marx: Chicken? What's all this talk about chicken? Why, I had an
uncle who thought he was a chicken. My aunt almost divorced him, but we
needed the eggs.
Karl Marx: To escape the bourgeois middle-class struggle.
Gregor Mendel: To get various strains of roads.
John Milton: To justify the ways of God to men.
Moses: Know ye that it is unclean to eat the chicken that has crossed the road,
and that the chicken that crosseth the road doth so for its own preservation.
Alfred E. Neumann: What? Me worry?
Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to
cross the road.
Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.
Camille Paglia: It was drawn by the subconscious chthonian power of the
feminine which men can never understand, to cross the road and focus itself
on its task. Hens are not capable of doing this-their minds do not work that
way. Feminism tries vainly to pretend there is no real difference between
them, falsely following Rousseau. But de Sade has proved.
Thomas Paine: Out of common sense.
Michael Palin: Nobody expects the banished inky chicken!
Wolfgang Pauli: There already was a chicken on the other side of the road.
Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?
J. Danforth Quayle: Ite sawe ae potatoee.
Ayn Rand: It was crossing the road *because of its own rational choice to do
so. There cannot be a collective unconscious; desires are unique to each
individual.
Ronald Reagan: Well, I forget.
George Friedrich Riemann: The answer appears in Dirichlet's lectures.
Carl Rodgers: Why do _you_ think the chicken crossed the road?
Mr. Scott: 'Cos ma wee transporter beam was na functioning properly. Ah canna
work miracles, Captain.
William Shakespeare: I don't know why, but methinks I could rattle off a
hundred-line soliloquy without much ado.
Sisyphus: Was it pushing a rock, too?
Socrates: To pick up some hemlock at the corner druggist.
The Sphinx: You tell me.
John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so
quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.
Mr. T: If you saw me coming, you'd cross the road too!
Brad Templeton: Do you think I have time to answer questions like that? I'm not
a riddle-answering service. Anyway, I've heard it before. (Moderator of
Rec.humor.funny)
Margaret Thatcher: There was no alternative.
Dylan Thomas: To not go (sic) gentle into that good night.
Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately. And suck all the marrow out of life.
Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
George Washington: Actually, it crossed the Delaware with me back in 1776. But
most history books don't reveal that I bunked with a birdie during the
duration.
Mae West: I invited it to come up and see me sometime.
Walt Whitman: To cluck the song of itself.
William Wordsworth: To have something to recollect in tranquility.
Molly Yard: It was a hen!
Henny Youngman: Take this chicken...please.
Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To show the armadillo/raccoon that it was possible.
or
To get away from Colonel Sanders!
or
It heard there was a cock on the roadside! (John Bobbitt humor)
or
To see his friend Gregory Peck.
But why did the chicken cross the road again?
Because it was a double-crosser.
Why did the Iraqi chicken cross the road?
To take over the other side.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
Because it heard the referee was blowing fouls.
Why did the chicken cross the beach?
To get to the other tide.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Chickens hadn't evolved yet.
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the Shell station!
Why did the pervert cross the road?
He was stuck in the chicken.
Why did the dead baby cross the road?
It was stapled to the chicken.
Why did the scientist cross the road?
To invent the other side.
Why did the lawyer cross the road?
To get to the car accident on the other side.
Why did Dr. Kevorkian cross the road?
To help the patient find the other side.
Why did Jim Morrison cross the road?
To break on through to the other side.
A Boston/Cambridge version is:
Why did the chicken cross Mass. Ave.?
To get to the Co-op.
(The Harvard Co-operative Society (i.e. bookstore) is located on Massachusetts
Avenue (pronounced Mass Av) and is referred to as the coop (one syllable as
where a chicken or pigeon lives))
Why did the chicken cross the Moebius Strip?
To get to the other...um...err
-= bird =-= 2 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Why don't chickens wear underwear?
Their peckers are on their faces.
-= bird =-= 3 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Why do birds fly South?
Because it's too far to walk.
-= bird =-= 4 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Why do hummingbirds hum?
Because they don't know the words.
-= bird =-= 5 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Where does a blackbird go for a drink?
To a crow bar...
-= bird =-= 6 =--------------------------------------------------------------
A farmer, upset with his low yield of eggs, decided to go to town to buy a
fresh rooster who could liven things up a bit with his hens. The man at the
supply store told him he wished he could help, but all he had was this
incredible randy rooster. "But that's just what I need!" the farmer said.
The store owner said, "Not this rooster, he's trouble. I've never seen anything
so horny." But the farmer insisted and eventually took the rooster home on the
condition that he wouldn't ever return it.
Once home, the rooster jumped into the hen house and nailed every hen
repeatedly until they were all exhausted and nearly dead. Undaunted, the rooster
hopped the fence and got in with the ducks, repeating the scene with the hens
and wiping out all the ducks. He then leaped another fence and proceeding to
nail all the geese. This continued for three days until all the farm birds that
were left alive lay gasping. The farmer found the rooster prostrate in the
middle the yard, with buzzards circling overhead.
"Serves you right." said the farmer, at which point the rooster rose, pointed
overhead, winked, and said, "Shhhhhhhhh."
-= bird =-= 7 =--------------------------------------------------------------
We had some chickens
No eggs would they lay.
We had some chickens
They won't lay eggs.
One day this rooster.
Come into our yard.
And got them chickens
Right off their guard.
Their laying eggs now
Just like they 'yooster'
Ever since that rooster
Come into our yard.
We had a milk cow
No milk would she give
We had a milk cow, wow
She won't give milk
One day that rooster
Come into our yard
And got that milk cow, WOW
Right off her guard.
She's giving eggnog
In glass containers
Ever since that rooster
Come into our yard.
-= bird =-= 8 =--------------------------------------------------------------
A pair of chickens walk up to the circulation desk at a public library and
say, 'Buk Buk BUK.' The librarian decides that the chickens desire three
books, and gives it to them...and the chickens leave shortly thereafter.
Around midday, the two chickens return to the circulation desk quite vexed
and say,' Buk Buk BuKKOOK!' The librarian decides that the chickens desire
another three books and gives it to them. The chickens leave as before.
The two chickens return to the library in the early afternoon, approach the
librarian, looking very annoyed and say, 'Buk Buk Buk Buk Bukkooook!' The
librarian is now a little suspicious of these chickens. She gives them what
they request, and decides to follow them. She followed them out of the library,
out of the town, and to a park. At this point, she hid behind a tree, not
wanting to be seen. She saw the two chickens throwing the books at a frog in a
pond, to which the frog was saying, "Rrredit Rrredit Rrredit..."
-= bird =-= 9 =--------------------------------------------------------------
A crow perched himself on a telephone wire. He was going to make a long-distance
caw.
-= bird =-= 10 =--------------------------------------------------------------
A farmer with lots of chickens posted the following sign. "Free Chickens. Our
Coop Runneth Over."
-= bird =-= 11 =--------------------------------------------------------------
What did the chick say when it saw an orange in the nest?
Look at the orange mama laid. (pronounce it like 'marmalade')
-= bird =-= 12 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Is it good manners to eat fried chicken with your fingers?
No, you should eat your fingers separately.
-= bird =-= 13 =--------------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross a chick with an alley cat?
A peeping tom.
-= bird =-= 14 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Why do hens lay eggs?
If they dropped them, they'd break.
-= bird =-= 15 =--------------------------------------------------------------
If a seagull is given an Alka-Selzer, its stomach will explode.
-= bird =-= 16 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Why do seagulls live near the sea?
Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels.
-= bird =-= 17 =--------------------------------------------------------------
One spill resulted in a drama so long-running that it has passed into the
realm of urban myth. In the late 1960s, a poultry truck overturned and dumped
more than three dozen chickens along the embankment of the southbound Hollywood
Freeway at Vineland Avenue in North Hollywood. Nesting in the shrubbery at the
side of the freeway, the chickens prompted complaints from motorists by
wandering out on the roadway and stopping traffic.
An elderly widow named Minnie Blumfield made the chickens famous when she
began spending $30 a month of her Social Security check to feed the small flock.
She sprinkled seed through the chain link fence, and the chickens multiplied
until estimates of their numbers reached as high as 75. "They're just
chickens," Blumfield said, "but I do love them."
Eventually, she and a neighbor, actress Jodie Mann, persuaded Caltrans to let
animal regulation crews trap the birds and truck them off to a farm in Sylmar.
It took three months to catch them with baited traps Blumfield, then in her 90s,
died in 1977. Some of the chickens must have evaded capture because a few still
live at the edge of the freeway, according to CHP Officer Monty Keifer. "We had
a chicken hunt and tried to catch them," Keifer says, "but we weren't too
successful. As soon as we showed up, they took off into the bushes."
Mann says the story of Minnie and her chickens is a persistent favorite;
every couple of years a journalist calls her to revive it. The last call
prompted Mann to dust off a screenplay she wrote about the incident a few years
ago and "try to peddle it around town." Some people at a major studio, she says,
are "very interested."
-= bird =-= 18 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Psychiatrist: What's your problem?
Patient: I think I'm a chicken.
Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?
Patient: Ever since I was an egg!
-= bird =-= 19 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Psychiatrist: What's wrong with your brother?
Sister: He thinks he's a chicken.
Psychiatrist: How long has be been acting like a chicken?
Sister: Three years. We would have come in sooner, but we needed the eggs.
-= bird =-= 20 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Diner: Do you serve chicken here?
Waiter: Sit down, sir. We serve anyone.
-= bird =-= 21 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Diner: I can't eat this chicken. Call the manager.
Waiter: It's no use. He can't eat it either.
-= bird =-= 22 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?
The outside.
-= bird =-= 23 =--------------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A walkie-talkie, of course.
-= bird =-= 24 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Elderly lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes. She
calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully and all
would become clear in time.
She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing what
comes naturally. To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up again, she cuts out
a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male parrot's neck.
A while later, the local priests visits the old lady. The male parrot takes
one look at his dog collar, wolf whistles, and says, "I see she caught *you* at
it, too."
-= bird =-= 25 =--------------------------------------------------------------
A lady was expecting the plumber; he was supposed to come at ten o'clock. Ten
o'clock came and went; no plumber; eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, one o'clock;
no plumber.
She concluded he wasn't coming, and went out to do some errands. While she
was out, the plumber arrived.
He knocked on the door; the lady's parrot (did I mention she had a parrot?)
said, "Who is it?"
He replied, "It's the plumber."
He thought it was the lady who'd said, "Who is it?" and waited for her to
come and let him in. When this didn't happen he knocked again, and again the
parrot said, "Who is it?"
He said, "It's the plumber!"
He waited, and again the lady didn't come to let him in. He knocked again,
and again the parrot said, "Who is it?"
He said, "IT'S THE PLUMBER!!!!!!!!"
Again he waited; again she didn't come; again he knocked; again the parrot
said, "Who is it?"; "Aarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!" he said, flying into a rage; he
pushed the door in and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack and
he fell dead in the doorway.
The lady came home from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its
hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway, "A dead body!" she exclaimed, "WHO IS
IT?!"
The parrot said, "It's the plumber."
-= bird =-= 26 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Man has parrot and is getting married. He says, "Listen, I know you're
always in the window. My bride and I are coming back here to pack after the
wedding and no matter WHAT--do NOT turn around or I'll break your neck! We want
privacy!"
They come back from the wedding, start packing and can't get the suitcase
closed. He says, get on top, that'll do it. She does, it doesn't work. She
says, "No, you get on top, that'll be better." No luck. Finally he says,
"Let's both get on top, that should fix it!"
The bird turns around and says, "Neck or no neck...THIS I gotta see!"
-= bird =-= 27 =--------------------------------------------------------------
A couple had a parrot with no legs, he managed to stay on his perch by
wrapping his long 'pecker' [not his beak] around the perch.
One day, the husband came home and the parrot said, "Hey...your friend Joe
came over today."
The husband said, "Okay, he's a good friend."
The parrot added, "Well, Joe gave your wife a kiss."
Husband says, "Oh, he's a friendly guy."
Parrot says, "Oh yeah, then Joe starts to unzip your wife's dress..."
Husband exclaims, "WHAT, then what happened??!?"
Parrot replies, "Don't know...fell off my perch!"
-= bird =-= 28 =--------------------------------------------------------------
A preacher is buying a parrot.
"Are you sure it doesn't swear?" asked the preacher.
"Oh absolutely. It's a religious parrot," the storekeeper assures him.
"Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites
the lord's prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm."
"Wonderful!" says the preacher, "but what happens if you pull both strings?"
"I fall off my fuckin' perch, you faggot!" screeched the parrot.
-= bird =-= 29 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working.
He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had
to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish
washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I
have a large rotweiler inside; he won't bother you. I also have a large parrot,
but whatever you do, DON'T TALK TO THE BIRD!"
Well, sure enough the dog totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time
he was there, the damned parrot cussed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him
nuts.
As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist, "You stupid bird, why don't you
shut up!"
To which the bird replied, "Killer, SIC'EM!!!"
-= bird =-= 30 =--------------------------------------------------------------
A parrot has the habit of jumping on hens, so the farmer tells him that if he
does it again he will pull out every feather on its head. The parrot jumps on
the hens again, and his head feathers are all pulled out. Meanwhile, the
farmer's wife, who has pretentions to culture, is having a formal dinner. She
appoints the parrot to be butler and to tell the guests where to put their hats
and coats.
The party proceeds without mishap, with the parrot announcing, "Ladies to
the right! Gentlemen to the left!" Suddenly, two bald-headed men enter, and
the parrot says, "You two chicken-fuckers come out in the hen house with me."
-= bird =-= 31 =--------------------------------------------------------------
After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato,
became completely inattentive to his wife, and sat guzzling beer and watching TV
all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the
husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.
This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then
one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy
chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of
its mouth.
The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a
special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate,
he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"
Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury
attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful
forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird!
The shelf!"
Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.
"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention,
nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.
When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa
guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a
surprise for you! A Goony bird!"
The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my ass!"
-= bird =-= 32 =--------------------------------------------------------------
The mating ritual of the Amazon Blue Parrot is 6 hours long.
-= bird =-= 33 =--------------------------------------------------------------
From "News of the Weird", in the 21 January San Jose News:
Animalens Inc. of Wellesley, Mass., markets red contact lenses for chickens (at
20 cents a pair), pointing to medical studies showing that chickens seeing red
during the day are happier and eat less food. A spokesman said the lenses will
improve world egg-laying productivity by $600 million a year.
-= bird =-= 34 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Mockingbirds can imitate any sound from a squeaking door to a cat meowing.
-= bird =-= 35 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
The rooster.
-= bird =-= 36 =--------------------------------------------------------------
A burglar has just made it into the house he's intending ransacking, and he's
looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, "I
can see you, and so can Jesus!"
Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes
back to his business.
"I can see you, and so can Jesus!"
The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in
the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a
budgie, who pipes up again, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"
"So what," says the burglar, "you're only a budgie!"
To which the budgie replies, "Maybe, but Jesus is a rottweiler!"
-= bird =-= 37 =--------------------------------------------------------------
A burglar had been casing a particular house for some time. Finally, he saw
the owners leave for what appeared to be an extended camping trip. That night
he broke in through a basement window and was trying to find his way in the dark
when he heard what seemed to him to be the voice of a very old woman saying,
"Shame on you! I see you, and Jesus sees you!"
Startled, the burglar snarls back, "Shut up, Grandma, or you're gonna get
hurt!" He shines his flashlight all around, but no Grandma.
Again the voice says, "Shame on you! I see you, and Jesus sees you!"
Finally, the beam of the flashlight finds a large cage and, in it, a pretty
upset parrot. Relieved, the burglar turns back around and starts toward the
stairs, only to spot an enormous frothing doberman waiting at the top.
Just then the parrot screams, "Sic'em, Jesus!"
-= bird =-= 38 =--------------------------------------------------------------
This elderly lady, recently widowed, decides to see if a pet will ease her
loneliness and goes to the pet store. She decides against puppies, kitties,
etc., and is about to leave the store when she hears a voice saying, "My, do you
look lovely this afternoon, madam."
She turns around quickly to see who has spoken, but there is no one. All she
sees is a big green parrot, resting on his perch in his cage. "Did you say
that?" she asks.
"Why, yes, I did!" he replies. "And may I add that dress is a very nice color
for you."
The lady suddenly realizes how nice it would be to not only have a talking
parrot, but one that paid such nice compliments. So she pays for him and takes
him home. On the way, she says, "You know, I am so proud of you that I believe
I'll take you out for dinner! Would you like that?"
The parrot says, "Why yes, that would be delightful. I know a charming place
on 7th Street."
So they arrive home and the lady progresses upstairs to her room to change
for dinner, bringing the parrot along, of course. As she takes her dress off,
the parrot peers over and says, "Hey, nice tits!"
Well, the woman is flabbergasted! She grabs the parrot by the throat,
marches down the stairs into the basement, and stuffs the parrot in the freezer.
She leaves him there in the freezer for 5 long minutes before taking him back
out. The parrot is VERY cold.
She says, "Well? Have you learned your lesson? I will NOT tolerate such
language in my house!"
The parrot says, "Okay, okay, I promise it won't happen again. I am deeply
sorry."
So they go back upstairs. She begins, again, to change. As she is changing
her underwear, the parrot eyes her and says, "Whoooaaa! Nice ASS!"
The lady is absolutely stunned. She rips the parrot out of his cage, goes
down the stairs, into the cellar, and, SLAM, into the freezer. This time, she
leaves him in there for 15 minutes.
When she finally takes him out, the parrot is one step away from death.
Shivering, light frost on the beak, the whole works. As he thaws, he looks up
at the lady and says, "Well, I have one question. That turkey in there, what'd
he do, ask for a blow job?"
-= bird =-= 39 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Two morons stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has some
budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up on his arms.
After a couple of minutes, they leap off the cliff.
Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one moron says
to the other, "I don't think much of this budgie jumping."
The other moron replies, "Yeah, I'm not too keen on this paragliding either."
-= bird =-= 40 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between
them. One tree says to the other, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a
birch." The other says that he cannot tell.
So a woodpecker lands on the small tree.
The big tree says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that
is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a
son of a beech or a son of a birch. That gentlemen is the best piece of ash I
have ever had my pecker in!"
-= bird =-= 41 =--------------------------------------------------------------
A farmer was sitting on the bottom step of his porch eating a sandwich when a
hen zoomed by with a rooster in hot pursuit. Suddenly, the rooster slammed on
the brakes, slid to a halt and began pecking at the crumbs from the sandwich.
"Darn," muttered the farmer, "hope I never get THAT hungry!"
-= bird =-= 42 =--------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into a pet store and asks to buy a canary. The proprietor
replies, "I'm fresh out, but I DO have a parakeet." The customer insists on a
canary, until the shop owner informs him that a parakeet can be made to sound
like a canary if one files the beak just so. "But be careful not to file too
much off or the parakeet will drown when he goes to take a drink of water."
The potential customer decides that this is complete bullshit, but thanks the
shop owner politely and leaves, sans parakeet. He goes into another pet shop
and asks for a canary; no luck. "But", says the shop owner, "I do have a
parakeet and if you file the beak just so, it can be made to sound just like a
canary." He goes on to explain that filing off too much beak will jeopardize
the bird's life, due to the potential for drowning when he takes a drink. The
fellow finally decides that there is some merit to these claims and buys the
parakeet.
"Besides", he thinks to himself, "parakeets are much cheaper." His next stop
is a hardware store, where he wanders into the file section, holding his
recently purchased bird. The owner wanders by and asks of he needs some help.
The new bird owner sheepishly explains how he intends to make his parakeet sing
like a canary. The hardware store owner knowingly picks up a file and hands it
to him. "Here, a Nichols #2 bastard file. But be careful not to file too much
off, or the poor beastie might drown." The bird and file owner thanks the
hardware store owner and leaves for home.
A few weeks later, the bird owner wanders into the hardware store. The owner,
recognizing him and asks how he made out with the parakeet. The fellow looks
down and sadly reports, "Bird's dead."
The hardware store owner shares his sorrow and asks, "Filed off too much
beak?"
To which the former bird owner replies, "Nah, he was dead when I took him out
of the vise."
-= bird =-= 43 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds?
Chirpes. It's one of those canarial diseases. I hear it's untweetable.
-= bird =-= 44 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Statues of a beautiful naked woman and a handsome naked man stand facing each
other in a park. One day, an angel comes down and tells them, "Since you have
both been standing here patiently looking at each other for twenty years without
ever being able to do anything, I am now going to give you fifteen minutes to be
real human beings to do whatever you want."
Suddenly, the two statues become flesh and blood. Immediately, they run off
behind some bushes. The angel sees the bushes shaking and hears the loud
rustling of leaves, and lots of giggling. After ten minutes, the man and woman
come out from behind the bushes.
"Your time isn't up yet," the angel says. "You still have five minutes more."
"Oh, great!" they cry, and as they run back behind the bushes, the angel
hears the woman say to the man, "Okay, this time *you* hold the pigeons and
*I'll* shit on their heads!"
-= bird =-= 45 =--------------------------------------------------------------
I was just at the supermarket and overheard the following conversation between
an elderly, rather scruffy looking man and a teenage bag boy while checking out.
Old man, eyeing a sweet young thing on her way out the door, "I'm tellin' ya,
you better stop her before she gets away."
Teenage kid says, "She's _not_ shoplifting."
"I seen her. She's got a couple chicken breasts tucked under her shirt. Do
your job, son!"
"I don't think chicken breasts have nipples."
"Whattya mean? Of course chicken breasts got nipples."
"Chickens don't have nipples!"
"Sure chickens got nipples. You ain't never been on a farm, have you, son?"
"No, but I know that chickens don't have nipples."
"You ever around when the butchers in?"
"He leaves before my shift starts. Sometimes I see him, though."
"Well, you go ahead and ask him. He'll tell 'ya. Chickens got nipples."
"I don't think chickens feed their young that way. I think they use their
beaks, or something. Anyway, they aren't mammals."
"If they ain't mammals, what are they then?"
"Well, um... reptiles I think."
"Reptiles?!"
"Uh..."
"Reptiles?"
"I mean, I think they're cold blooded."
"If they was cold blooded, they'd _freeze_ to death, son."
"Well, they're not mammals, anyway -- they don't have fur."
"My girlfriend's got nipples, and _she_ ain't got fur!"
I'd have stuck around to hear how it turned out, but my Ben and Jerry's was in
danger of melting, and standing so close to a shelf full of cigs for the past
couple minutes had already taxed my willpower to near the breaking point. It's
going to be one long Monday.
Point? You didn't honestly expect there to be a point, did you?
================================================================================
== CAT =========================================================================
-= cat =-= 1 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Bad Kitty!
This is a list of phrases cat owners should get their naughty pets to write on a
blackboard a la Bart Simpson. If you could get them to write... Send more
suggestions to Harold Reynolds, reynolds@geog.utoronto.ca
[A HREF="http://geog.utoronto.ca/reynolds/humour.html">
Note: There is a companion "Bad Dog/Bad Human List" posted in rec.pets.dogs.
First posting: September 20, 1993. Latest update: [December 6, 1994].
A * indicates additions/changes from the previous posting.
A. Fill in the blanks
1. [xxx] is not food.
Dental floss, plants, Kleenex, toilet paper, human's homework, photographs,
shoes, sweaters, socks, the couch, electrical cords/devices, phone cord,
vases of flowers, my poop, electric wiring, the rubber fish toy my human
drags around for me to play with; rubber bands; Mom's toe; the HUGE fly;
used Q-tips; the other cat's vomited food.
2. I will not jump on the [xxx].
kitchen counter, table, stove, barbecue, my human's full bladder at 5:30
A.M., bed at night, TV, bed from the top of the wardrobe at night.
3. I will not sharpen my claws on the [xxx].
sofa, carpet, drapes, my human's leg, my human's boss's leg, the new
speakers, wallpaper, window screen, car tires.
4. I will not pee/poop/barf a hairball on the [xxx].
floor, carpet, sofa, clean laundry, sleeping human, human's tax return, the
tax auditor, TV, baby's mattress, kitchen counter, dining room table, big
people's shoes, bathtub, my Dad's collection of (expensive) Nazi daggers,
marble floor (acid vomit+marble=etched marble).
5. I will not climb the [xxx].
Screen, bulletin board, speaker, curtains, redwood trees, walls, lampposts.
6. I will not dunk [xxx] into my water dish.
Tissues, my toy mouse, the house plants, half-digested food
7. I will not hide [xxx].
Pens, curlers, or house keys under the carpet; Dad's condoms
8. I recognize that the [xxx] has a right to exist.
Belt, fringe on the bathroom rug, fuzzy toilet seat, house plant, human's
toes, baby, human, blue jays outside, teddy bear
9. [xxx] is not cat food.
Chocolate, bananas, pizza, any human food, tea
10. [xxx] is not a bed.
The stove, the pot (not hot) on the stove, sink, the crystal bowl from the
people's wedding, piano strings, Mommy's sock drawer, the inside of the
antique radio, the car, the electric organ, the computer keyboard.
11. [xxx] is not prey/a toy.
The paper coming from the printer; the newspaper; Mummy; open milk cartons;
toilet paper; pantyhose; paper clips; human's toes; my human's penis (see
"Robin Williams, Live at the Met"); Christmas tree ornaments; the produce
ripening on the kitchen counter; Q-tips; Black Widow spiders; my poop; any
food, whether wrapped in something or not; the sheets; the computer mouse;
Mommy's snow white lace garter from her wedding with the beautiful tasty
maribou feathers on it;
12. I will not try to climb into the [xxx].
Freezer, refrigerator, washing machine, dryer, dishwasher, garage.
13. I will not hump the [xxx].
Mommy's clean laundry; Uncle Peter's pillow; the foot of Grandma's bed; on
top of the washing machine; on the arm of the sofa; any damned place in the
house that's soft enough. (This is NOT a joke; my sister's cat Pesto, aka
Gingy, did EXACTLY this sort of thing for several months before, and even
after, being neutered.)
14. I will not jump onto the
Note: "Master" is supposed to be a gender-neutral, politically correct term.
First posting: October 8, 1993. Last Update: [December 6, 1994].
a) ---Food---
-There must always be food in my master's dish.
-I will share any can of tuna fish that is opened.
-I will provide only the choicest morsels for the master's bowl, not poultry
scraps.
-I will not assume my master doesn't like whatever is in the can I am opening.
-I will not spike my master's food with medicine.
-Attempting to hide catnip from my master is useless, so I shouldn't bother.
-I *will* feed my master on demand. I will *feed* my master on demand. I will
feed my master on *demand*.
-I will share the spicy bean dip with my master.
-I will feed my master all he can gorge.
-I will refill the water bowl no matter how many times my master tips it over.
-I will not expect my master to forgo attempts to steal my sushi, this is simply
asking too much of a cat.
-I will search to the end of the leash to see if my master is still outside
before I leave for work and separate her from her precious food bowl all day.
-I will remember not to offer my master smoked salmon. This is *not* a delicacy
just because my previous master liked it.
b) ---Loss of Dignity---
-I will not laugh when my master chases her tail.
-I will not chase my master with the awful noisy vacuum cleaner.
-I will not move my master no matter where she decides to sleep.
-I will not make fun of my master's weight.
-I will not stick my finger in master's mouth when she yawns.
-I will not surprise my master by kissing her while she is sleeping.
-I will not brush my master when he jumps up on my lap just to be petted.
-I will not weigh my master.
-I will not turn on the water when my master is napping in the sink.
-I will not highlight my master's nose and ears in fashionable neon colors.
-My master is a creature of dignity. I will not feed him catnip in front of
guests and/or videotape him afterwards.
-I will not pull my master out from under the bed to show to guests, who are
obviously dangerous and must be hidden from.
-I will not apply the following undignified nicknames to my master: Bulge Boy,
Mr. Chubb, Mr. Big, Blimpy, Hellraiser, Pest-Kitty, Food Vacuum, Oink, Menace
to Society.
c) ---Disobedience With Possible Severe Repercussions---
-I will be ready to play whenever my master is.
-I will not let my master in/out "when I feel like it".
-I will not fuss when my master is patrolling the table, kitchen counter, or
dresser for prey.
-I will not ignore my master's signs to tell me when to start/stop petting,
cuddling, playing, etc., no matter how subtle they are.
-I will *not* pet my master while she's taking her bath.
-I will not place my *insignificant* belongings on the royal resting places (aka
coffee tables, nightstands, and dressers), nor scold my master when s/he pushes
them off.
-I will not pull my master out of the trash bin when she is busy inspecting its
contents.
-I will not put my master in a cat carrier, ever, for any reason whatsoever.
d) ---Comfort of the Master(s)---
-I will be sure that my masters are comfortable in bed, only then will I arrange
myself around the available space.
-When my master is sleeping on some portion of my anatomy, I will not disturb my
master by getting up to attend to such mundane matters as answering the
telephone or going to the bathroom.
-I will gladly roll onto my other side when my master paws me on the cheek at
3:30 am so she can "snuggle."
-I won't shove my master out of the middle of the bed.
-I will let my master sleep on my notes as I'm trying to study. (I'm sure I can
read through the fur if I try hard enough!)
-I will not chase my (white-furred) master off of the black sweater drying in
the laundry room.
-I will remember that my master and her friend use the car from 6pm-10pm. I will
attempt to ensure that the car is in the car port during this period for their
sitting pleasure.
e) ---Toys/Playing---
-I will supply my master with toys and will not begrudge him if he decides to
find some new ones on his own.
-I will get an ice cube and throw it on the floor whenever my master requests
one.
-I will retrieve all the foil balls and toys from under the sofa and
refrigerator each and every day.
-I will leave the lingerie drawer open so that my master may strew my undies
around the apartment for his amusement.
-I will let my master chase my highlighter as I'm trying to highlight texts.
-I will not lure my master from his chair with a toy so I can sit in it.
-I will not throw out the nightly bit of dental floss without first allowing my
master to play with it for at least 5 minutes.
-I will not seize my master's (current) favourite toy just because she is
playing with it under the bed at 4 am.
f) ---Sanitation---
-I will keep the master's litter box as clean (or cleaner than) the human's
bathroom.
-I will change my master's litter box at the first sign of stink, not when they
have to get the point across by whizzing on the comforter.
-I will not move my hand while my master is busy washing it.
-The human will not stare at the master while she is doing her business,
however, the master is permitted to stare at the human in various states of
undress and/or physical activity.
-The human will not say "Ewwww gross" when the master sneezes and then licks
the snots off her fur.
g) ---High-Tech---
-I will not complain when my master steps on the break key, or settles down on
the computer keyboard.
-I will not assume my master is done reading the newspaper just because s/he is
no longer looking at it or just because I am done with that page.
-I will not talk on the phone when my master wants me stare at her and talk
nicely to her.
-I will not answer the phone when I come home if I haven't fed my master yet.
-I will not talk on the phone unless my master gets a chance to say "hi".
-I will not try to ignore my master when she comes over to join my phone
conversation, because since no one else is in the room, I must be talking to
her. (Who would *really* be talking to a piece of plastic anyway?)
h) ---Other Critters---
-I will graciously accept the wildlife offerings from my master.
-I will not come home smelling of other cats or (even worse!) dogs.
-I will not fraternize with other cats.
-I will let the kitties play with the hamster.
-I will not de-flea my sister's new master in my master's bathroom and expect my
master to forgive me right away.
-I will let my master play with mice she has cleverly bought into the house to
torture to death.
-I will not interfere with my master's perfectly normal attempts to assert his
dominance by biting his brother.
-I will assist my master in chasing unwanted cats from the garden and house.
But I will respect her right to invite her friends in.
i) ---Miscellaneous---
-I will watch where I put my big feet.
-I will take thousands of pictures of my masters, and show them to everyone I
ever meet.
-I will *not* go to work and leave the kitties alone all day.
-I will not close the bathroom door thus separating myself, however momentarily,
from my master.
-Family members must stay home as often as possible. At no time should the house
be left empty in the evening.
-I will not rush at my master when she is concentrating on balancing on the
inch-wide balcony rail 25 feet in the air to see how the dog and I react.
-I will leave the potting soil where it belongs, on the floor.
-I will leave the toilet seat up so my master can investigate.
-I will not expose my master to my morning breath when she wakes me.
-I will sharpen my psychic skills, so that I can read my master's mind, no
matter how feeble it may be.
-I will get up every morning at 6 am (or earlier) and go to bed as early as
possible.
-I will not invite any (scary) electricians or plumbers into the house.
-= cat =-= 3 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Basic Rules for Cats Who Have a House to Run
(Updated [December 6, 1994])
Compiled by Harold Reynolds
1. Introduction
The following is a manual of guidelines for the busy cat(s) who will have a
house to manage after adopting one or more humans. It is, of course, impossible
to cover all possible situations, as those humans are always up to some sort of
mischief, but the compiler and contributors to this guide have endeavoured to
cover as wide a variety of topics as possible. It is important that this
document be kept out of the hands of humans, who will undoubtedly find a way to
use it to their advantage.
2. Food
In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat.
Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food.
Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death
and must be fed *NOW*; and hunting for it oneself. The following are some
guidelines for getting fed.
a) When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail in their
dishes when they are not looking.
b) Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table.
c) Never drink from your own water bowl if a human's glass is full enough to
drink from.
d) The best times to inform humans of your dish's emptiness are when they are
unable to ignore you, such as when they are sleeping or on the toilet. If you
insist on waking a human at what it considers a "ridiculously early hour" for
breakfast, be warned that the human may be as likely to throw you outside or
in the basement as to feed you.
e) Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite to attempt
to get to know it. Be insistent; your food will usually not be so polite and
try to leave. If you can't be bothered to eat the food you've just caught, be
considerate and don't waste it; it makes a perfect gift for humans! Carefully
pick it up and carry it to the human's house and, if the door is closed,
leave it on the doorstep. If the door is open, or there is a cat-flap, take
it inside and leave it somewhere highly visible. The gift will be even more
welcome if it is still alive! Live birds and mice make the best gifts as
humans love a good game of chase just as much as you do, although be careful
not to help them; it's their gift after all.
f) Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately unwilling
to readily part. It is beneath the Dignity of a cat to beg outright for food
as lower forms of life such as dogs will, but several techniques exist for
ensuring that the humans don't forget you exist. These include, but are not
limited to: jumping onto the lap of the "softest" human and purring loudly;
lying down in the doorway between the dining room and the kitchen, the Direct
Stare, and twining around people's legs as they sit and eat while meowing
plaintively.
g) Coffee is known to be rejuvenating for both cats and humans. Whenever a human
sets a cup of coffee on the floor within your reach, s/he is showing you
great respect and worship. Softly blow the divine liquid until cool (you may
even put your paw in it to make sure the temperature is just right) and then
daintily drink it.
h) Occasionally there will be disagreements over what you and the humans will
deem as edible. The appropriate action, should the stuff in question be too
repulsive to ignore, is to bury it. Scratch at the floor and try to drag
over objects to cover the offending item. This informs the ignorant human
that it really belongs in the litter box.
2.1 Catnip
Most cats think that this strange-looking plant is Food of the Gods and
better even than tuna. There are some, however, who are sadly deprived of the
ability to enjoy this wonderful treat and will look upon the others with a
mixture of confusion and disgust at the utter lack of Dignity of those
partaking. If you are one of the latter, please skip to the next section.
Catnip is available in two forms, in the wild as an odd-looking plant that
grows in delightfully fragrant, though often rather flattened, patches, and from
the humans in a concentrated dried form. Unfortunately, the humans know of our
weakness for catnip and will try to hold it out from us, often employing some
very ingenious methods to do so. If the humans are careless enough to leave any
catnip within reach, it is imperative to get it no matter what you have to tear
apart to do so. Otherwise the humans will use it to attempt to coerce us to do
things which would otherwise be beneath us.
The greatest hazard of catnip is that it causes those cats under its
influence to utterly lose their Dignity. They roll around foolishly, purr at
maximum volume, tear around the house at top speed, and do other things no sane
cat would be caught doing. Do attempt to control yourself, especially if your
humans have a "video camera" and are prone to using it.
3. Water
Water (also known as Cat Solvent) would be really great if it wasn't so
*WET*! Dripping taps are the best sources of fresh water in the whole house.
Toilets are the next best (but the water inside must be COLOURLESS and contain
NOTHING!) Therefore it is imperative that any sound of running water be
immediately investigated in case a free drink may be obtained. The bathtub is
the best place to lurk in the bathroom when a human is present. A plaintive meow
or two and perhaps hopefully licking the faucet usually will get most humans to
turn on the tap for you. If the bathroom door is closed, demand entry noisily
(see Doors). The water dish is to be used only as a last resort in case the
humans leave the toilet lid down and the tub and sink are dry.
If a human has a sufficiently wide-mouthed glassful of liquid, immediately
stick your face into the glass. If the opening is too narrow, dip your paw into
the liquid, swirl it around, and give it the taste test. You may be pleasantly
surprised to find beer or even milk! In any case, if the liquid is good,
continue to sample, but only while your human is distracted. Some of the best
water is ornamented with those cold, hard buoyant cubes that bob up and down in
the liquid when pressed lightly. If your human protests, lick the condensation
on the outside of the glass.
4. Sleeping
As mentioned above, in order to have enough energy for playing, a cat must
get plenty of sleep. It is generally not difficult to find a comfortable place
to curl up. Any place a human likes to sit is good, especially if it contrasts
with your fur colour. If it's in a sunbeam or near a heating duct or radiator,
so much the better. Of course, good places also exist outdoors, but have the
disadvantages of being seasonal and dependent on current and previous weather
conditions such as rain. Open windows are a good compromise.
A) Snoring is not a talent unique to humans; if the cat is sharing a bed with
two humans, the well skilled cat can cause one of the humans to be blamed/
swatted/smacked for the deed by the other.
B) If your humans don't let you into the bedroom at night, make them suffer for
it. Even if they give you a nice warm room of your own to sleep in at night,
with a catflap to the outside world, that just isn't good enough. There are
several ways of registering your disapproval.
a) Trash the room they give you to sleep in. After all, the humans don't
sleep in it, so why should you?
b) Fight noisily with other cats in the neighbourhood, just outside their
bedroom window. Make sure that you appear in the morning with as many
fresh scars as possible. Spend some time perfecting an aggrieved "Well, I
wouldn't have all these injuries if you only let me sleep in the bedroom
at night" expression.
c) When they finally rise and take a shower or a bath, locate the appropriate
drain pipe and yowl up it. That amplified and disembodied "Meow" is sure
to surprise them, as is the length of time you can do this without getting
hoarse.
d) When they finally come downstairs, and call for you, refuse to use the
catflap to enter the house. There's a perfectly good front door they can
open. Of course, if they should anticipate you by opening the front door
and calling, ignore them. You should only appear by the front door and
yowl once they've closed it again.
5. Play
This is an important part of your life. Get enough sleep in the daytime so
you are fresh for your nocturnal games. Below are listed several favourite cat
games that you can play. It is important though to maintain one's Dignity at
all times. If you should have an accident during play, such as falling off a
chair, immediately wash a part of your body as if to say "I MEANT to do that!"
It fools those humans every time.
5.1 Games
a) "Catch Mouse". The humans would have you believe that those lumps under the
covers are their feet and hands. They are lying. They are actually Bed Mice,
rumoured to be the most delicious of all the mice in the world, though no cat
has ever been able to catch one. Rumour also has it that only the most
ferocious attack can stun them long enough for you to dive under the covers
to get them. Maybe YOU can be the first to taste the Bed Mouse!
b) "King of the Hill": This game must be played with at least one other cat.
The more, the merrier! One or both of the sleeping humans is Hill 303 which
must be defended at all costs from the other cat(s). Anything goes. This
game allows for the development of unusual tactics as one must take the
unstable playing theatre into account.
Warning: Playing games (a) and (b) to excess will result in expulsion from
the bed and possibly from the bedroom. Should the humans grow restless,
immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them. This should buy you some
time until they fall asleep again. If one happens to be on a human when this
occurs, this cat wins the round of King of the Hill.
c) "Tag" (Also known by humans as "Charge of the Light Brigade"): Obviously
this game also requires two or more cats, and may include a dog as well. One
cat is "it". The other(s) chase him around the apartment until they catch up
to him. Then follows the "Scrum", after which the cat who caught the other
becomes "it" and is chased around. Great fun, but has the greatest potential
for loss of Dignity from maneuvers such as the Throw Rug Wipeout and the
Non-Carpeted Floor Skid. Whenever such a situation occurs, all feline
participants must immediately wash themselves. Dogs are generally too stupid
to do this and may continue to play. In this case, the dog automatically
becomes "it" and should be subjected to the Pileup.
d) "Tube Mouse": This is a game played in the bathroom. Next to the Big White
Drinking Bowl is a roll of soft white paper which is artfully attached to the
wall so that it can spin. Inside this roll is the Tube Mouse. When you grab
the paper, the Tube Mouse will spin frantically as it tries to escape from
you. When the Mouse is exposed, it dies of fright and stops spinning. But
that's OK because you now have a great new toy to pounce on, play with, and
shred! Part two of the game is to make the angry human believe that the other
cat did it. This is related to another fun game, "Snowstorm", in which you
try to make it look like a blizzard has occurred in the room. You can track
shreds all over the house for greater enjoyment. Be warned that this variant
often results in the coming of the Vacuum Monster.
e) "Fetch": Only dogs will run after a ball or stick that humans throw, take it
back to them, and continue doing this until they drop. As established
earlier, dogs are not bright. A dignified cat MAY fetch a ball for its human,
but if the human persists in continually throwing the ball away, assume that
the human truly does not want it, and leave it.
f) "Kibble Soccer": Any number of cats can play. The game begins when the
referees go to bed. The player runs to the bowl where the dry cat food is
kept, and executes a "place-kick." The player does this by attempting to
kick one kibble from the bowl with a paw. Using the nose and tongue
("heading") is allowed, but this is considered bad form. Often the bowl must
be tipped, rocked or rattled. Once the kibble is out of the bowl and in play,
the player proceeds to bat it around the room as quickly as possible. This
is accomplished with short alternating swipes with the front paws, running
behind it as it moves (this is also known as the "kibble dribble"). If the
kibble gets stuck at the intersection of two walls, the player must attempt
to put it back into play with a "corner kick."
If the kibble is still on the playing field after 30 seconds, the player is
awarded a point. She is then allowed to eat the kibble, after which she
returns to the bowl to put the next one into play. No points are awarded for
kibbles that are kicked out of the playing area (under the stove, behind the
refrigerator, etc.). These are left for the cockroaches, and other
spectators. The player must put a new kibble into play.
For equipment, any dry kibble will work, although Science Diet round kibbles
roll particularly well. The referees control the pace of the game by waking
up (usually after the first few points have been scored) and imposing
obstacles between the player and the kibbles. The referees do this by placing
covers on top of the bowl, placing the bowl on a counter top or shelf, or
otherwise hiding it. An advanced player is measured by the degree of
ingenuity displayed in overcoming the obstacles between herself and the
kibbles and resuming the game.
The game ends when all the kibbles are eaten or out of the playing field, or
when a referee puts the player in the penalty box.
g) "Rumpus Raising"
Step 1: Warm up by tearing through the hallways and over furniture at high
speeds. Be sure to drag your claws and make zzzzzrt noises on the rugs.
Furniture that is off limits during the daytime makes great springboards.
(Even more fun with two or more participants.) Important style points are
gained during this step. 2 extra points if you get a yell from a judge.
Step 2: Find objects that make noise and activate them. Door stoppers that
go SPROOOOOOOONGONGONGONG when you run by them, wind chimes and blinds that
rattle when disturbed, and loose objects that go thud when they hit the
carpet are best. Technical points are awarded in this step. The more complex
the device the better. 5 points for knocking over the phone so it goes BEEP
BEEP BEEP *Please hang up* BEEP BEEP...
Step 3: Make the loudest possible noise. Glassware and remote controls are
useful here. It might be beneficial to slightly open the judges' door before
this step. Final creativity points are awarded now.
Step 4: Look innocently at the dog and fish when the judges storm into room
and turn on the lights. Pretending to be asleep is good form. 5 bonus points
if another pet gets blamed, and 7 points for style if the judges stub, trip
or completely fall over the objects knocked over!
h) "Skiing"
This game is played when your human has the newspaper lying on the floor for
reading. Run down a hallway toward the newspapers at full speed, leap onto
the paper and see how far you can slide. The slippery advertisements are best
for this. This game is even more fun if your human is unaware that you are
going to play. It can be followed by a good round of "Catch Mouse" (newspaper
variant). It can also be played on throw rugs.
5.2 Toys
Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries to confiscate it, this
means that it is a Good Toy. Run with it under the bed. Look suitably outraged
when the human grabs you and takes it away anyway. Watch where it is put so you
can steal it later. Two reliable sources of toys are dresser tops and
wastebaskets. Below are listed several types of cat toys.
a) Bright shiny things like keys, brooches or coins should be hidden so that the
other cat(s) or humans can't play with them. They are generally good for
playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors.
b) Dangly and/or stringlike things such as shoelaces, cords, gold chains and
dental floss also make excellent toys. They are favourites of humans who
like to drag them across the floor for us to pounce on. When a string is
dragged under a newspaper or throw rug, it magically becomes the Paper/Rug
Mouse and should be killed at all costs. Take care, though. Humans are
sneaky and will try to make you lose your Dignity. Note that playing with
shoelaces when the human is trying to tie them is another form of Hampering.
c) Within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice. They are small and camouflaged to be
the same colour as the bag, so they are hard to see, but you can easily hear
the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around the bag. Anything, up to
and including shredding the bag, can be done to kill them. Note: any other
cat you may find in a bag hunting for Bag Mice is fair game for a Sneak
Attack, which will usually result in a great Tag match.
d) Ignore anything that appears to be a store-bought cat toy. After all, in the
old days, cats had to fashion their own toys. Store-bought toys are an
affront to a "real" cat.
6. Supervising (a.k.a. Hampering)
It is well known that humans are incapable of performing even the simplest of
tasks without feline supervision and/or assistance. This supervision is absurdly
known by the humans as "hampering". If one of your humans is engaged in some
close activity and any others are idle, stay with the busy one. It would take a
large book to describe all of the activities which need to be supervised, so
only a condensed list is presented below.
a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You
cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then
picked up and comforted.
b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless
you can lie across the book itself.
c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate
manner so as to obscure the maximum amount, or at least the most important
part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or
knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember,
the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great
hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or
Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim: to hamper! First,
sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side
of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers,
scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the
second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump at
the back of the paper. They love surprises.
f) As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the
human, especially: on stairs; when they have something in their arms; in the
dark; and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their
coordination skills.
g) Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.
h) When a human is attempting to "make the bed", hop on it and curl up in the
middle, or pounce on the sheet the human is trying to rearrange. If the human
tries to ignore you by covering you with the sheets, move around and try to
mess things up. Protest loudly when you're evicted.
i) Laundry presents many opportunities to hamper (hence the other name for the
laundry basket, the laundry hamper). Laundry fresh from the dryer is a
perfect bed, since it is warm and soft. As soon as it is put on the bed for
sorting, arrange yourself for a nap. If the human removes you, keep returning
until the laundry isn't warm anymore. Now it's play time. Pounce on anything
the human tries to move around for folding, especially socks and nylons. For
added fun, grab a sock and hide under the bed.
j) When a human is working at a computer, s/he isn't paying attention to you.
Fortunately, this problem is easy to remedy. You can easily obstruct the
human's view of the screen with your beautiful tail, or if it's low enough,
with your even more beautiful body. Trampling on the keyboard is always good
for some attention as well. Pay special attention to the keys marked "Esc",
"Del", and "Brk". If you need to nap while supervising your human, good
places are the keyboard, on top of the plastic thing with the cord that the
humans laughably call a "mouse", or on the human's arms. If the human insists
on removing you from these choice locations, there's always the lap. If
possible, while in the lap try to drape yourself on one of the human's arms.
k) Guidelines for where to sit or lie down.
1) It is considered bad form to lie on the bare floor, couch, or bed. An
exception is made for the human's favourite chair, which you are allowed
to sit on no matter what (or who) is there.
2) On a bed, there will often be laundry or clothes lying there. It is your
duty to lie on them to get your beautiful fur on them. If there is a
choice, choose either the cleanest item or the item which contrasts most
strongly with your fur. If your human protests, act cute.
3) It is also your duty to lie in an area that makes your human contort to
the greatest extent if s/he wishes to share the bed/couch with you.
4) Even resting on a book or a newspaper on the floor is preferable to just
lying on the floor. Newspapers are particularly important to sleep on if
your human has them on the floor for his/her reading convenience.
5) Select a chair to sleep on that hampers your human the most. For example,
if your human is doing a craft on the kitchen table to prevent your
interference, it is your duty to take a nap on the chair your human would
like to be sitting in. No other chair at the kitchen table will do.
6) If kicked off any preferred seating, it is of critical importance that you
not immediately go about your business. You must either sit still for a
time, washing yourself to save face, or lie on the floor to make your
human feel guilty. If the human cheats by moving your resting chair
and/or sitting in a different one (in a situation such as the kitchen
table example above), you may be able to continue hampering by jumping
into the human's lap. If the human has to get up to get something and
dumps you off, immediately occupy the chair and look smug. Of course, the
human will just switch chairs or remove you again. This game can be played
for hours.
7. Scratching Posts
It is advised that cats use any scratching post the humans may provide. They
are very protective of what they think is their property and will object
strongly if they catch you sharpening your claws on it. Being sneaky and doing
it when they aren't around won't help, as they are very observant. If you are
an outdoor kitty, trees are good. Sharpening your claws on a human is a definite
no-no! Some humans come equipped with "jeans", which can be scratched without
inflicting too much injury. Attempts to climb up them will result in further
attention, albeit perhaps not the kind you wish.
8. The Vacuum Cleaner
This appalling Beast is known by many names, Cat Eater being the most
prevalent. Normally pliable, agreeable humans will turn into raging monsters
while under Its influence, running around the house sucking up all the carefully
shed cat hair and terrorizing the feline residents with evil glee. Nothing can
stop It until the influence is over and the foul device is put back into Its
closet. All you can do is run and hide when you hear the engine roar to life and
hope that It doesn't find you. On some occasions, however, the humans are forced
to open up the vacuum cleaner and remove a swollen, dusty bag from within. This
is Its stomach, and must be destroyed if you can get the chance. Do not worry if
the human yells at you, for the yell is really that of the Beast in pain.
9. Doors
To get a door opened, stand on your hind legs and hammer it with your
forepaws and/or yowl. Once the door is opened, it is not necessary to use it.
After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and
think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold
weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Protest if the human uses a foot to
"encourage" you to leave.
If a human goes into a room, especially the bathroom, and closes the door to
exclude a cat, meow pathetically and try to stick your paws under the door to
open it. If the human relents, lets you in and then closes the door, immediately
demand to be let out. If the human lets you out and closes the door, immediately
demand to be let in again. This is especially fun when it's the bathroom and
there are guests. This game can be played until the human wises up and hoses
you with a squirt gun. Scuttle out of range and wash yourself, to pretend that
the assault on your Dignity didn't happen.
Sometimes doors can be opened by cats without the aid of humans. Such doors
must be kept open for the cat(s) to investigate within at any time. Swinging
doors are to be avoided at all costs; their nickname "Tail-Biter" tells it all.
If a door that is usually kept closed, such as a closet door, is opened, you
must immediately rush in to investigate to see if anything has changed since the
last time you were in there. Resist the human's attempts to remove you before
you have completed your investigation. Protest loudly when the human removes
you anyways.
10. Humans
Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give
attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one's
Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the
house.
One way to keep your human healthy is through agility training. You can do
this by running ahead of your human, maintaining a distance of about one and a
half of the human's paces, and suddenly stopping to clean yourself. If the human
doesn't trip over or boot you (a very real hazard, especially from beginner
humans), s/he is fit and able to avoid all sorts of danger in his/her world. A
bonus from this exercise is that the sight of the human will be very amusing and
you can share the experience with your friends on the back fence.
10.1 Waking Them Up
It is not known why humans like to sleep when it gets dark, just when the day
is young and the masters of the house are fresh and ready for play. It is known,
however, that sleeping humans are boring to be around and that they occasionally
must be roused to attend to our needs, such as to get fresh food or water or to
retrieve a toy that was batted under the sofa. Almost all of them strongly
dislike being dragged out of bed in their so-called "wee hours". Some will even
pretend to be asleep even when we know they're not, hoping we'll give up and go
away. Persistence is the key to success in any case.
One effective method of rejuvenating a dormant human is the "direct
approach", namely jumping on the bed and doing one or more of the following:
trampling, licking and/or nibbling any exposed parts, purring, meowing, head-
butting, light taps on the eyes, or playing "Catch Mouse" or "King of the Hill".
This may only result in your being ejected from the bed, but at least you now
have the human's attention.
If the human is being stubborn, you may have to resort to more drastic
tactics, such as ripping down posters, rattling blinds, knocking over and
looting a wastebasket, knocking items off the dresser, singing at the top of
your voice, or even curling up on the human's head (often the only visible
part). As well as being warm, in this way you will be aware of any movement made
by the human, probably even before he is aware of it. You will be unlikely to
wait for long. Another effective tactic is to jump, walk or knead on the human's
abdomen, where the bladder is located. If the human hasn't been to the Big White
Drinking Bowl during the night you can be sure of a rapid response. Eventually
the human will get up and do what you want, usually employing some bad language
while doing so.
Warning: It is not advised to do this on a regular basis. It will very
likely result in your being "banished" from and denied access to the bedroom
altogether, in which case it becomes much more difficult to get them to respond
to your wishes. Thumping the door or yowling may be initially effective, but
will likely result in being further banished to the basement or even the kitty
carrier! Discretion is thus strongly recommended.
Of course, if the human gets up on his own in the wee hours to go to the
bathroom, you are free to get him to do your bidding while he is too sleepy to
put up much resistance.
10.2 Mornings
In order to provide and care for you, the humans must leave the domain every
morning (usually before you take your first cat nap). To help them on their way,
either yowl loudly, massage their scalps with your claws, gently bounce on top
of them in bed, knead their chests, purr, and/or drool on them. See also "Waking
Them Up". The best time to do this is about 24 minutes before their clock begins
to blare or ring. We must protect them from the noise because it could ruin
their sense of hearing.
10.3 Guests
a) Quickly determine which guest hates cats the most. Sit on that lap. If you
can arrange for particularly bad "tuna breath", so much the better.
b) For sitting on laps or rubbing against trouser legs, select fabric which
contrasts well with your fur. For example: white-furred cats go to black
wool clothing. Note: Velvet takes precedence over all other cloth.
c) For the guest who exclaims, "I love kitties!", be ready with aloof disdain,
apply claws to stockings or arms, or use a quick nip on the ankle.
d) When walking among the dishes on the dinner table, be prepared to look
surprised and hurt when scolded. The idea is to force your humans to reveal
that they tolerate this behavior when company is not there.
e) Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything,
just sit and stare.
10.4 Laps
Undoubtedly THE best way to get attention from a human is to jump in his/her
lap and purr. Few humans can resist because it makes them think you like them
(which may even be true!). Ear scratches, belly rubs, back stroking: all these
and more can be yours. Some cats like this treatment a little TOO much and
acquire the silly name "Lap Fungus". Lap sessions also provide golden
opportunities for shedding; be sure to take advantage of clothes which contrast
with your fur (see also "Guests"). Unfortunately, humans have the annoying
tendency to want to get up to do their mundane activities, like answering the
thing that rings or going to the Big White Drinking Bowl. Protest this
disturbance with accusing looks and plaintive meows. Some laps may require
"softening up" with a little kneading; just be sure not to use the claws or you
may have an unexpected flying lesson!
10.5 Confusing Them
Humans (for the most part) love order and predictability. They especially
like their pets to be predictable. So if you are in the mood to indulge in a
little low-risk mischief, behaving irrationally is an excellent option. The
usual method is to simply tear around the house at top speed talking to yourself
and perhaps launching a frenzied attack on an unsuspecting toy. If there are two
or more cats in the household, you can take turns chasing and wrestling with
each other. This is usually good for a shake of the head from the human, along
with "Crazy cat(s)" muttered under his/her breath.
Another way to baffle the humans is to interrupt your passage across a carpet
(at whatever velocity) with a sudden vertical leap into the air. Then continue
on as if nothing had happened. If you're skilled enough, you may be able to
convince the human(s) that there are "rug worms" in the house. A third way,
which isn't quite as fun as the others but which tends to get better reactions
from the humans, is to stare fixedly at a blank wall, turned-off TV, corner of
the room, or whatever, and pretend to carry on a conversation with another cat.
The humans, who may already be convinced that you're from outer space, will
think you're talking to your friends, the "Jupiter People". If they start
talking about mailing you to Mars, it's a good idea to lay off this prank for a
while.
10.6 Organization
Let's face it, humans are a disorganized lot. They need constant supervision
in order to get things done right and on time, such as feeding their masters,
retrieving lost toys, etc. Humans also need assistance in keeping their masters'
home organized. They have to be continually reminded that things belong on the
floor, not on shelves, bookcases, tables or dressers where accessing them may be
inconvenient for their masters. It will be up to you to keep your household
properly organized. Feel free to take items such as pens, buttons, waste paper
(such as the stuff they call "tax return"), and unsuitable toys and relocate
them to better spots, such as the water bowl, under the stove, or down the hot-
air ducts (humans are always grateful if you do this with tax returns). This
should be done when the humans aren't around, as they will always interfere.
When the human discovers your handiwork, he will praise you with such sayings as
"Damned cat!" and "You little monster!" At this point, you should say "You're
welcome!" with purring and rubbing against his/her legs.
11. Vets And Medicine
The vet is the person to whom your human will take you when you are sick.
The place smells funny, there are usually other cats and dogs in the waiting
room, and awful things like needles and pill prescriptions will happen there.
The usual result is that you will get better, which is good, but you just can't
let those humans cathandle you. The following are some tips for dealing with
vets and medicine.
a) Unless you are really sick, when you see the carrier come out, run and hide
somewhere inaccessible, such as under the bed or behind a couch. Once the
human finally grabs you, struggle gamely. Splay your legs out so that it is
difficult to cram you into the carrier. If the human is trying to put you in
with another pet, try to allow the other pet to bolt out the door. In the
car, meow plaintively all the way down to the vet's. If possible, reach
through the bars of the portable prison and try to claw the human as s/he
drives. At the vet's, splay your legs and brace yourself against the
carrier's walls if you can so that they can't dump you out easily.
b) If you are well enough, you must resist attempts to feed you pills or any
liquid medicine. As soon as you hear the pill bottle rattle, hide as in part
a). Resist attempts to open your mouth. Squirming is good. Once the medicine
is in, try to spit it out, preferably by shaking your head vigorously. If the
humans manage to get the pill into to your mouth and are still holding you
waiting for you to spit it out, swallow, but keep the pill in your mouth.
Then after being let go, find a suitable hiding place and spit it out. Make
sure that the humans do not find the hiding place, so they think that you
took the pill. Don't use the same hiding place twice. Refuse any food that
looks or smells like it may have had medicine sprinkled on it. Unfortunately,
humans can be REALLY unfair and put it in tuna. In this case, accept
grudgingly. Look aggrieved after the medicine session is over.
12. Illness
a) If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in
time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good.
When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long
as the human's bare foot.
b) When you get sick in the house, you should hover around the general area
until a human spots the mess. You should act as if you are guarding the stuff
for the human and then quickly vacate the room.
c) If taken outside, you should take every opportunity to scarf down as much
grass as possible (while not being spotted). After ingesting a "critical
mass" amount, whine and scratch at the door to be let back in the house.
After entering the house head for the traditional illness locations and let
it rip.
d) If the urge strikes at night when your human is asleep, you can retch as
loudly as possible so that the human will wake up. That failing, choose a
location where the human's bare foot is likely to find it. They don't see
very well in the morning and need assistance in locating the mess. If the
human has neglected you by leaving (see Mornings), cover the fruits of your
labours with whatever is handy, such as papers from the desk. That way you
can soil another object besides the carpet.
13. Cat "Clubs"
When a group of humans who share a similar interest get together on a regular
basis, it is often called a "club". Needless to say, cats thought of the idea
first, and some of the cleverer humans have discovered that we have our own.
Listed below are the ones that the humans have identified, along with their
names for the clubs; for security reasons (in case this document falls into the
hands of a human) the ones they haven't identified have not been listed. As
with humans, cats are not restricted to membership in one club and may belong to
many.
a) The "Lap Fungus" Club
Members of this club specialize in enslaving humans for the purpose of
sleeping on their laps. As soon as a human is seated, his/her lap becomes
available and should be occupied at once, after which time the cat can get as
much attention as s/he wants. See also Laps. Club motto: "Sit down and I'll
be your friend."
b) The "Chatterbox" Club
Members of this club love to talk to their humans, giving advice and/or
criticism on practically anything they do. They are convinced that given
enough time, they will be able to teach even the densest human how to take
verbal commands. Club motto: "What do you mean, shut up?"
c) The "Garbage Truck" Club
Members of this club firmly believe that human food is God's gift to cats and
that the kitchen and/or dining room are the centre of the universe. Anything
that falls onto the floor is to be eaten immediately, and if the cat can
contrive to encourage the human to share voluntarily, so much the better.
Hopping onto the counter to clean the plates or getting into the garbage can
to check for leftovers are both considered acceptable, and the Master Garbage
Truck is the one who can do this without getting squirted or otherwise
"punished" by the humans. Club motto: "I'll help you clean that!"
d) The "Elephant Cat" Club
It is usual but not necessary for there to be more than one member of this
club per household. "Elephant" cats for some perverse reason enjoy making
their nocturnal games, such as "Kibble Soccer", "Tag", and "Rumpus Raising"
(see Games) as noisy as possible by thundering around home and knocking
things over or off the tables, counters, etc. They believe that half the fun
is getting the human to participate too. Club motto: "Did you see the look
on his face when..."
e) The "Bed Hog" Club
Cats who are members of this club like to sleep in their humans' bed. Of
course, in order to sleep comfortably a cat needs some room and it is often
necessary to push the sleeping humans around a bit to make it, especially if
there are two humans and/or two or more cats. In households with more than
one club member, skilled cats who cooperate can make the humans resemble
pretzels (which are great snacks, by the way) by morning or even fall out of
the bed entirely. Club motto: "Move over, you big lummox!"
f) The "Early Breakfast" Club
Cats belonging to this club love to walk into their human's bedroom at some
early hour, say, 1 a.m. They then awaken the human (see Waking Them Up and
Mornings) insisting on being fed. These cats believe that their humans can
be trained to be awake during prime play time. Be aware, however, that humans
are stubborn and may instead lock cats out of the bedroom, squirt them or do
other anti-social things instead of feeding them. Club motto: "Life begins
after midnight."
g) The "Door Into Summer" Club
This Club mainly performs its activities during the cold months or when it is
raining. After a human obeys the master's command to open a door and a blast
of cold air fills the room or rain splashes the cat, the cat wrinkles his/her
nose and walks away. The ritual continues at each door in the house
(sometimes including closets) until the human either kicks the cat out the
door, or decides to ignore the cat altogether. In the first case, the cat
must bounce up to the window and squawk to be let in while looking as
pathetic as possible. In the second, the cat must attempt to make the human
want to let him/her out. See Hampering for suggestions. Club motto: "Just
because it's nasty out front doesn't mean it is at the back."
h) The Heat-Seeking Missile Club
These cats believe in keeping warm at all costs. The best method is to lie
right up against the heating vent. Make sure all the warm air is absorbed
into your fur. Careful grooming will be necessary to prevent a bad dandruff
problem. When the heat is not running, more creative solutions must be found.
Caving into the cat bed, human bed, or any afghan or blanket available is
good. It's best if the blanket was already mounded up, so that the cat is
completely invisible underneath. As a last resort, curl up on a lap or with
another cat. Club motto: "It's cold out there!"
i) The "Fraidy Cat" Club
To this club belong the cats of nervous and/or neurotic disposition. Any
strange object or human is to be treated as a mortal danger until it is
absolutely certain it isn't dangerous. They even have to keep an eye on the
humans they know, just in case. These cats know all of the good hiding spots
in the house/apartment, including the ones that humans swear no cat could fit
into, and are generally of little use to anybody except when it is checkup
time at the vet's and it is important to be invisible. Club motto: "Yeek!
What's THAT?"
14. Bad Weather
Bad weather, in the form of rain, snow, and/or excessive cold or heat, is
always the fault of the humans. If the weather is inclement when the human
opens the door to let you out, back away hastily and try another door. See also
the "Door into Summer" Club. Be sure to stare accusingly at the human during
this session. If all doors have the same bad weather and you manage not to get
booted out, hop onto a window sill and gaze mournfully out at your domain. Then
try again in about half an hour.
15. On Kittenhood
Being a kitten is probably the best time of a cat's life. As a kitten, you
can do almost anything and get away with it because, as the humans say, "Aww,
(s)he's so cute!" Practice the "butter won't melt in my mouth" Look of Total
Innocence now, as it is much more effective than when you are full-grown and
"should know better". Even if you are caught in the act of some mischief, the
Look can can considerably reduce the scolding, and if mixed with the appropriate
amount of fake penitence, get you picked up and cuddled.
Be sure to make full use of all your excess energy by tearing around the
house at full speed, attacking anything that moves, climbing the drapes,
scooting across tables, counters and shelves, taste-testing plants and cords,
and generally driving the humans crazy. When exhausted, flop down anywhere
comfortable and sleep. After waking up, eat and continue the fun! You will
quickly learn that night-time is the best time for playing because so many
things can hide in the shadows.
16. Conclusion
Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and
are consistent. You will then have a smooth-running household.
-= cat =-= 4 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Cat Movies List
Below is a list of movies whose titles relate in some way to cats, along with
how they relate. Send any others to me, reynolds@geog.utoronto.ca
[A HREF="http://geog.utoronto.ca/reynolds/humour.html">
Kitties at play in the night: "The Charge of the Light Brigade", "Where the
Buffalo Roam"
Get off the counter! Don't eat the plants! ... : "The Ten Commandments"
Kitty outside: "Bye-Bye Birdie", "Predator"
Let me in *NOW*: "Singing in the Rain", "The Howling"
You can't stop me from getting out!: "The Great Escape"
Lap cat's movie: "Sleeper"
Hero, my cat, is fat: "Hero at Large"
Obsessed cat at play: "She's Gotta Have It", "Obsession"
My dish is empty, again!: "The Hunger"
Cat's eyes at night: "The Shining"
Exploring Fluffy's mind: "2001: A Space Odyssey"
Cat behaves angelically, always: "The Cat from Outer Space"
from Petra Hinds: April 6
Kitty jumping onto wood heater or stove: "Mrs Doubtfire", "Cat on a Hot
Tin Roof"
Kitty in the bath: "Splash"
Kitty walking amongst crockery: "Shattered"
Kitty licking her lips while sitting in bassinet: "Whatever happened to
Baby Jane" (yeah I know that's sick)
Kitty climbing up tree or swinging on curtains: "Tarzan of the Jungle"
Kitty chasing food around floor: "Meatballs"
Kitty going crazy chasing moths/anything/nothing: "Psycho"
Kitty sneaking into my car to sleep: "A Streetcar named Desire"
Anytime, anywhere, the Disney flick "That Darn Cat!"
-= cat =-= 5 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Mapping Of The Cat Brain
-------------------------------------------------------------
| Obsession with | Mysterious Adoration of | Barf Gland| [---
| Imaginary Insects | just one spot on the bed | | |
------------------------------------------------------------- | neural
| Search and | Inexorable | Short Circuit | | | feedback
| Destroy | fear of | that makes purr-| Licking | | loop
| lobe for | Vacuum | ing kitty an | Gland | [---
| Expensive | Cleaners | arm-shredding |------------
| Imported |---------------| Maniac in Two | Total |
| Textiles, | Can Opener | seconds | drive to |
| Ceramics | sonar | ----------------| be where |
------------------------------| Asthmatic | they are |
| Shedding Freshly | * | person locator | forbidden |
| vacuumed |----------------------------| to go |
| surfaces cortex | Infatuation with people |-----------|
|------------------| who hate cats | Inability |
| hatred of dogs |----------------------------| to get |
|------------------| | along with|
| new cat |
* Commitment Spot (gets larger when -------------
can opener sonar is activated)
-= cat =-= 6 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Human being: Automatic door opener for cats.
Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something.
Purring: Sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness.
Purrpetual: Everlasting love for domesticated felines.
Purrpetual motion: A kitty playing.
Purrson: A male kitty.
Purrverse: Poem about a strange kitty.
Pussy Whip: The dessert topping for cats.
-= cat =-= 7 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Here It Is...
Roller Poopies - A Classic
Roller Poopies - Rules of Play
1. One or more cats and/or kittens may compete.
2. Poopies used must be good and dry and preferably rounded and small in order
to roll properly and fit into the various goals.
3. A non-carpeted floor should be used as the playing court.
4. To be played at night, just as owners are about to fall asleep.
5. Object of the game: 250 points to be scored within an 8 hour period of time
divided into four 1 hour periods of play interchanged with four 1 hour
periods of rest.
Scoring
1. Retrieval of poopies from the litter pan:
A. Two-paw retrieval.............................2 points
B. One-paw retrieval.............................5 points
C. Retrieval of inadequate or mushy poopie.......minus 5 points
2. Dribbling poopies
A. Non-stop to within 4 feet of litter pan.......3 points
B. Non-stop across the kitchen floor.............5 points
C. Non-stop from pan, through kitchen and
into living room............................7 points
D. Same as C, done in presence of the owner's
dinner guests..............................10 points
3. Passing of poopies (in air at least 2 seconds)
A. One kitty toss in air.........................3 points
B. Completed forward pass........................5 points
C. If poopie shatters on impact.................10 points
4. Goals in Roller Poopies
A. Under stove or refrigerator...................5 points
B. Under furniture with 1" clearance............10 points
C. Dead center of food plate....................15 points
D. Water dish...................................25 points
5. Bonus points
A. Water dish goals
1) For every hour before discovery..........5 points
2) If nearly dissolved upon discovery......10 points
3) If owner gags when dumping..............15 points
B. For placing in 3:00 A.M. path to bathroom
so owner steps on it with bare feet........10 points
If stepped on with fleshy part of arch.......15 points
C. Movement of poopies up the stairs
1) With mouth (never observed)..............5 points
2) Using paws, 1 step at a time............10 points
3) On wooden steps between 12:00-6:00 A.M..20 points
D. Night-time bonus
1) After lights out.........................5 points
2) After 2:00 A.M..........................10 points
3) If owner confiscates it, having another
one in play within 10 minutes.........15 points
-= cat =-= 8 =---------------------------------------------------------------
How do you make a cat go woof?
Douse it in petrol and throw a match at it.
How do you make a dog go meow?
Freeze it solid in the freezer, then take a chainsaw to it.
-= cat =-= 9 =---------------------------------------------------------------
All I Need To Know About Life, I Learned From My Cat
Life is hard, and then you nap.
Curiosity never killed anything except maybe a few hours.
When in doubt, cop an attitude.
Variety is the spice of life. One day, ignore people; the next day, annoy them,
and play with them when they're busy.
Climb your way to the top, that's why the curtains are there.
Make your mark in the world, or at least spray in each corner.
Always give generously; a bird or rodent left on the bed tells them, "I care".
When you go out into the world, always remember, being placed on a pedestal is a
right, not a privilege.
Make love loudly and have your babies quietly.
-= cat =-= 10 =---------------------------------------------------------------
From the classified section of the Albuquerque Journal, Feb. 1, 1991:
Lost since March 1983, tortoise shell female cat, reward.
-= cat =-= 11 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Why do tigers live in the jungle?
They hate city traffic.
Why don't they play poker in the jungle?
Too many cheetahs.
-= cat =-= 12 =---------------------------------------------------------------
What is a cat's favorite song?
Three Blind Mice.
-= cat =-= 12 =---------------------------------------------------------------
How To Take A Tiger For A Walk
Tigers really are as big and poofy and soft as they look, and they purr like
a freight train going by. You find this out by taking one for a walk. To take
a tiger for a walk, you first need a tiger. Tigers fresh from the bush are not
recommended for the inexperienced. What you need is one who's used to the
procedure. He or she is thus liable to be merely playful, rather than actively
irritated. You also need a friend, whom you really, really trust.
The friend carries an apple wood cane; apple, or some other wood which will
bend under stress rather than shattering. This, friend, is your backup, and the
cane is his or her only tool for everything, from knocking stuff out of the way
that the tiger is liable to eat, to crowd control, to hooking on and madly
hanging on if things go wrong.
What YOU carry is a ten foot length of pass-link chain. This is your leash.
Pass-link chain is the stuff where the links will fit through each other.
This is important. You need this so you can hook on a safety clip. The chain
is looped about the tiger's neck and acks as a giant choke-chain, but the clip
is there to keep a loop of some sort in case things go badly wrong. You carry
the chain looped in one hand in a peculiar fashion which permits the whole
length of chain to be dragged from your hand without taking your hand and/or arm
with it. You practice this beforehand till you're sure you've got it right.
Then you go into the cage with the tiger. Your friend does not. You gauge
the tiger's mood and put the leash on the tiger. There isn't a whole lot more
to say about this step except to say that that is why your friend is there,
OUTside the cage. On your side is the fact that the tiger knows what the leash
is for by this time and presumably is largely in favor of the idea.
This is where you find out that tigers are soft and poofy. They are also
much, much larger than you had ever dreamed, when you're standing next to one.
Then you take the tiger for a walk. Your friend walks in front with the cane
to clear the way. You walk with the tiger at your side, keeping pretty good
control and letting the tiger know that you are Paying Attention, because if the
tiger thinks you are not Paying Attention, it will do what housecats do, let you
know that you should be Paying Attention. Unlike housecats, the tiger is big
enough not to have to do anything truly outrageous to rectify the situation.
Reaching behind you with one forepaw and sweeping your legs out from under you
is generally considered good enough by most tigers. They think this is
hilarious. To this extent, tigers differ from housecats in that they seem to
have a sense of humor.
It is possible that the tiger will see something that it wants. In this case,
the tiger will go where it wants to go, and your job is to stop it. This is
generally done by wrapping the chain around something that you pass, as the
tiger drags you away. This will slow it down enough for your friend to jump on
top of you and grab the chain as you go bulleting across the countryside. The
weight of two adult humans will generally slow a tiger down enough to make
things manageable, whereas one will not.
It is not usual for the tiger to react to freedom by turning around and
turning you into fajitas, though this would actually (at least in the short
term) be an eminently practical thing for the tiger to do. They enjoy their fun
but are generally not ill-tempered. If they are they don't get taken for walks.
They also purr like a freight train passing. Experts in the field claim that
this is not purring, that it means something else, but you couldn't put it by
me. Sure sounded like purring, at 16-2/3 RPM, but it sounded like purring.
All in all, an experience I highly recommend as a lifetime source of cocktail
party conversation, but it sort of tends to leave you limp for the rest of the
day.
-= cat =-= 13 =---------------------------------------------------------------
I work for a company servicing computers. This one particular customer had
an old console-type machine with a print head that would ride back and forth on
a spiral shaft. They also had a big bushy cat who liked to sit on the edge of
the printer next to the operator.
Well, one day we got a service call that said, "Cat caught in machine, come
quick!"
When I arrived I saw everyone sitting around mending their various wounds,
scratches and contusions. No sight of the cat. It appears that while they were
running the machine the cat was twirling his tail in his usual fashion and stuck
it down into the printer at the most inopportune time and got SUCKED IN!
Apparently, the cat absolutely freaked out and tore/scratched the shit out of
everyone who came close. They finally freed the cat and to this day he has a
kinda "crook" in his tail and goes nowhere near the machine. :-)
-= cat =-= 14 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Cat Sub-Species
The sub-species in question I have named "Felis fungus", known in English as
the "lap fungus". Or even "chair/bed/any surface fungus". One of my 8-month-
old kittens, Sylvester (neutered male), appears to have adopted me as "his", and
whenever I sit down to work or eat, my lap will suddenly be full of purring cat,
wanting to be petted/brushed/tummy scratched. He doesn't do this to my wife at
all, though he'll usually stay in the same room as her if she's home alone. She
even said that when I was away for a few days a week ago that he sulked in the
mini cat-tree we have (a cylinder with a small platform on top).
Another sub-species I can think of is the "chatterbox", some of whose members
get mentioned here from time to time. Our apartment is on the top floor of a
walkup building and the landlord appears to have installed a small heating
device to keep a drain or sewage pipe that runs down the outside wall from
freezing. This is located by our bathroom window and it attracts the local
starling and pigeon population, who perch on the heated pipe (and our window
frame) during the cold weather. Naturally, all the bird activity interests the
cats, especially Stormy, who hops into the sink and chatters at them. (Why
aren't those flying snacks coming here for me?)
The garbage truck: "Please, allow me to help you pick that morsel of food
off the floor."
The elephant: Also known as the felis giganticus. Appears to be fully
normal, but when all the lights are out, you KNOW that you have an elephant cat
running around the house.
The bed hog: Also known as the felis reclinus. When you go to bed, there's
more than enough room for everyone. How come you can't move when you wake up at
3 in the morning? Of course, you know you have one of the founders of this
subspecies when the reason you woke up is that some body part has fallen asleep
due to the squeezing of the bed hog. I woke up this morning; Tom was in his
usual place at the foot of the bed, on my side, taking up twice the room he
would if he were awake. Pepper and one of the girls were squeezed against David
(husband), on the side away from me, pushing him into the center of the bed. The
other girl (they're hard to distinguish in the dark) was between us, around knee
level, resting against him. Snooky, who just recently discovered the wonders of
sleeping in the bed at night with the people, was lying in the "ditch" between
us, at about chest height, leaning against me. I had, oh, maybe a foot of bed,
and a scrap of blanket. I could not move. I could not even straighten out.
But did I attempt to rearrange the cats? NO, of course not. I attempted to
turn myself into a pretzel instead.
-= cat =-= 15 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Ridiculous Cat Names
Morelle: Our roommate kind of named our newest kitty for us; he said that
she kind of reminded him of a mushroom because when we first got her she would
hide in the dark closet corners and curl up in a little ball with no eyes or
nothing showing. He started calling her 'Morel' (like the mushroom) and it kind
of stuck, although I insisted that we spell it 'Morelle'.
Mrs. Dalrymple: Because she's such an old lady (in manner, not age).
Daphne: Daphne went from that to "Phaphne" to "phaphur" (perhaps pha-fur?)
and sometimes "The Phaph". (Wouldn't dream of spelling it with an F). When cute,
"phaphur-face".
Little Fart: He was a tiny thing, malnourished when I got him from the pound
and definitely a few marbles short! I sure felt stupid wandering around the
neighborhood calling "Here Fart, Here Fart", though.
Luxury Overdose: Name for a Persian.
Pita: Short for Pain In The Ass!
Mrs. Murphy: My boyfriend had a cat growing up which they got on St.
Patrick's Day. Named Mrs. Murphy because she had this uncanny knack for giving
birth on holidays. Honest!
Piffles: I used to have a cat named that.
Puddy Joy: When I adopted (and renamed!) Gracie from the shelter, that was
her name.
Smiley Iguana: Damned if I can remember why he got the name.
Snoop Doggy Dog: I'm a musician and always name my cats after musicians. So
when an all black, male, street kitten with leukemia (i.e. a life destined to be
cut short) wandered into my household, I didn't hesitate to name him after a
nationally known rap artist now serving time for a gang related murder. But
just to avoid any infringement on the name, I spell my cat's name "Snoop Dog E.
Dog" (remember Ben E. King?).
Squeeky Pud: Short for "Squeeky Christmas Pudding".
Supreme Grand Champion Thomcats Aubergine: She's the International Cat
Association's 1993 Best Bombay, and in my lap. Her name sounds beautiful, if
you don't know French... She answers to "Gina" and "Rooster"(!).
T-bone: She always sleeps on the central heating radiator. I have no plans
for eating her, don't worry.
Wheedle Whan: (husband-speak for Little One) because she's so much smaller
than the other two.
-= cat =-= 16 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Three rats are sitting at the bar talking. The first says, "I'm so tough, once
I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!" The second says, "Well I'm so tough, once I
was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!" Then the third rat gets up and
says, "Later guys, I'm off home to fuck the cat...."
-= cat =-= 17 =---------------------------------------------------------------
From the "San Jose Mercury News"
You undoubtedly know that classical architecture is a hot trend right now. That
explains this classic playhouse for cats. Your feline friend can catnap in
grand style in a box printed to resemble a little Roman temple. There's even a
cat walking across the roof of the 18-by-12-by-16-inch box, which is made of oak
tagboard laminated for long wear. It's also suitable for an architecturally hip
litter box cover. The cat box is listed among other classics in the catalog of
Ballard Designs, 2148-J Hills Ave., Atlanta Ga. 30318. (404)351-5099.
The picture of a cat in the box staring at the camera lens wondering why humans
make her do this adds alot to this little news brief.
-= cat =-= 18 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Cats According To Dave Barry
Cats are less loyal than dogs, but more independent. (This is code. It means:
"Cats are smarter than dogs, but they hate people.") Many people love cats.
From time to time, newspapers print stories about some elderly widow who died
and left her entire estate, valued at $320,00, to her cat, Fluffkins. Cats read
these stories, too, and are always plotting to get named as beneficiaries in
their owners' wills. Did you ever wonder where your cat goes when it wanders
off for several hours? It meets with other cats in estate-planning seminars. I
just thought you should know."
-= cat =-= 19 =---------------------------------------------------------------
As one who is an unabashed admirer of cats, telling this story is somewhat
painful. This is a true story which happened during the late 1970's. My wife
has firsthand knowledge of the circumstances since, at the time, she was a
police officer in whose jurisdiction the incident occurred.
There is a small rural town, somewhat northeast to the city of Niagara Falls,
NY. One evening, a resident of the town called the local volunteer fire
department to request assistance in removing their cat from a tree. Since this
was a "questionable" call, the fire control dispatcher called the fire chief at
home to ask if he wanted to respond. The chief said sure, call out the
department, since it was early evening and it shouldn't be a problem for the
volunteers to respond.
The fire department responded with a rescue truck which had an extension
ladder. The tree, however, was too tall and willowy to support the weight of
the extension ladder. Rather than send men back to the fire hall to bring the
aerial ladder truck, one of the firefighters suggested an alternate course of
action. Two of the firefighters supported the ladder while a third climbed high
enough to tie a rope around the tree at about half its height.
The other end of the rope was tied to a trailer hitch on a pickup truck, with
the truck slowly driven forward, forcing the tree to bend over. One firefighter
was poised to grab the cat as soon as it was within his reach.
The knot securing the rope to the trailer hitch slipped free.
The cat was last seen airborne heading south toward the city of Niagara
Falls, and was never seen again.
This incident adds a rather new definition to the word "catapult".
Needless to say, the particular fire department did not receive praise from
the local ASPCA when the story made its rounds. Please note that this story is
not meant to put down volunteer fire departments, who perform a dedicated and
essential community function.
-= cat =-= 20 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Steven Wright On Cats
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what
happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
-= cat =-= 21 =---------------------------------------------------------------
The following is an old anecdote, but a good one. Sometime in the early
1900's, P. T. Barnum, the owner of the Barnum & Bailey circus and originator of
the phrase "There's a sucker born every minute" offered $10,000 in cash to any
person who could thoroughly dupe, or sucker, him.
Barnum was always looking for interesting new acts or novel creatures to
exhibit, and one day he received a letter from a fellow in Maine who claimed to
possess a cherry-colored cat and asked if Barnum were interested in such a thing
for his circus. Barnum contacted the man and said yes, if the cat were truly
cherry-colored, he'd gladly put it on display. Well, a few days later a crate
marked "live animal" arrived for him. When Barnum opened it, he found a
somewhat frightened but otherwise perfectly ordinary-looking black housecat
inside, along with a note which read:
Maine cherries are black.
There's a sucker born every minute...
Thoroughly tickled, Barnum sent the man a check for $10,000 (I'm not sure
what happened to the cat, I think Barnum may have kept it as a reminder of the
day he got suckered.)
-= cat =-= 22 =---------------------------------------------------------------
An old woman saved a Fairy's life. To repay this, the Fairy promised to grant
the old woman three wishes.
For the first wish, the old lady asked to become young and beautiful. Poof!
She became young and beautiful.
For the second wish, the old lady asked to be richest woman in the world.
"Poof! She was the richest woman in the world.
For the last wish, she pointed at the cat she had kept for years. She asked
that he be turned into the most handsome man on earth. After all, he had been
her best friend for so many years. Poof! The Fairy turned the cat into the
most handsome man on earth.
The old lady and the Fairy said their goodbyes.
After the Fairy left, the handsome man (old cat) strolled over to her and
asked, "Now aren't you sorry you had me neutered?"
-= cat =-= 23 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
-= cat =-= 24 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Cats know how we feel. They don't give a damn, but they know.
-= cat =-= 25 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Cats took many thousands of years to domesticate humans.
-= cat =-= 26 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Dogs come when called; cats take a message and later get back to you.
-= cat =-= 27 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Never try to outstubborn a cat. - Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
Women and cats do as they dammed well please. Men and dogs had best learn to
live with it... - Heinlein's "Notebooks of Lazarus Long"
-= cat =-= 28 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Although all cat games have their rules and ritual, these vary with the
individual player. The cat, of course, never breaks a rule. If it does not
follow precedent, that simply means it has created a new rule and it is up to
you to learn it quickly if you want the game to continue. - Sidney Denham
-= cat =-= 28 =---------------------------------------------------------------
You're nobody until you've been ignored by a cat!
-= cat =-= 29 =---------------------------------------------------------------
All cheetahs are genetically the same.
-= cat =-= 30 =---------------------------------------------------------------
It's always blackest just before you step on the cat.
-= cat =-= 31 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten
this.
-= cat =-= 32 =---------------------------------------------------------------
It's really the cat's house. I just pay the mortgage.
-= cat =-= 33 =---------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.
-= cat =-= 34 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your
computer.
-= cat =-= 35 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Symbol Of Liberty
In ancient Rome, the cat was considered a symbol of liberty. Anyone who watches
a cat can see that he always does exactly as he pleases.
-= cat =-= 36 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function. -
Garrison Keillor
-= cat =-= 37 =---------------------------------------------------------------
"Kitty Video" Idea Landed On Its Feet
"There are 56 million cats in America and no videos for them." - author Diana
White, a Boston Globe columnist, appearing in the San Jose News.
I had doubts about "Kitty Video," the first entertainment video strictly for
cats. It had to be a joke.
And if it wasn't a joke, did Killer really need a high-tech cat toy?
The tape was on sale at Killer's veterinarian's, whose staff could have
taught the ancient Egyptians a thing or two about cat worship. The receptionist
was enthusiastic about "Kitty Video." Cats love it, she said. Video catnip,
she said. I handed over $20 and brought it home.
The tape came with instructions: "How to Teach Your Cat to Watch TV." Is
this necessary, I wondered? Killer watches TV all the time.
"Most cats are not accustomed to watching television and will need some
assistance to learn this human skill," the instructions began.
"First, make sure your cat will not be distracted when watching the video.
Loud music, too many people in the room, and other animals can be disrupting and
can cause a lack of concentration on the cat's part."
I ordered my husband out of the room.
There was a warning among the instructions. "Caution: Do not leave your cat
alone while the video is playing. If the cat should leap at the screen it could
cause damage both to furnishings and to the cat."
Following the instructions, I placed Killer on my lap and started the tape.
Birds appeared, cheeping, twittering, fluttering, eating worms. They were small
birds, sparrows, larks, but they looked huge on the TV screen, the size of 12-
pound turkeys. That didn't faze Killer at all. He was fascinated. He jumped
out of my lap and sat transfixed in front of the television for a full 20
minutes until, ignoring instructions, I left him alone and went into the
kitchen. Killer followed. He has his priorities.
So, while "Kitty Video" may be a joke in one sense, it's a joke that works.
It amuses cats. Whose idea was it? Who would think of such a thing? I called
Lazy Cat Productions, in Stillwater, Okla., and spoke with the producer, Jane
Talkington.
She said, modestly, that she couldn't take credit for "Kitty Video" concept.
It was her cat's idea. Of course. Kitty, her cat, loves to watch wildlife
specials, but loses interest when the background music and voice-overs are
intrusive. Talkington made the rounds of local video stores asking if they had
any wildlife tapes aimed at cats. "They looked at me like I was crazy," she
said.
So she decided to produce one. "I thought: There are 56 million cats in
America and no videos for them," said Talkington, who was a marketing major at
Oklahoma State when "Kitty Video" began to take shape. "Here was a market
waiting to be tapped."
She hired a wildlife photographer who videotaped hours of bird action in a
local sanctuary. Then they tested the tapes on cates. "They responded best to
small, quick birds, a lot of movement," Talkington said. "And they seemed to
like it best when the birds' backs were turned."
Talkington marketed the tape through cat magazines, veterinarians' offices,
pet stores and catalogs. Last Christmas it was one of the hottest selling items
in the Nieman-Marcus catalog, she said.
The financial return on "Kitty Video" has been "fabulous," Talkington said,
although she wouldn't say how fabulous. It hasn't been fabulous enough to
enable her to quit her job demonstrating computers. But she's made enough to
invest in a sequel, "Kitty Video II," a bird, mouse and maybe even fish-filled
extravaganza coming soon to a pet store or veterinarian's office near you.
-= cat =-= 38 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Instrument Flying for Animal Lovers:
Having detailed the concept of attitude control, there is another method
which you may prefer. For reasons that will become apparent, it is recommended
for those pilots whose airplanes have large, easily cleaned cabins. Known as
the "Cat and Duck Method" of instrument flight, it has received much publicity
and is considered to have a great deal of merit by those who have not tried it.
No reports have been received from those who did try it, and none are expected.
Pilots are invited to assess its merits objectively.
Basic rules for the C&D Method of instrument flight are fairly will known and
are extremely simple. Here's how it's done:
1. Place a live cat on the cockpit floor; because a cat always remains
upright. It can be used in lieu of a needle and ball. Merely watch to see
which way the cat leans to determine if a wing is low and if so, which one.
2. The duck is used for instrument approach and landing. Because of the
fact that any sensible duck will refuse to fly under instrument conditions, it
is only necessary to hurl your duck out of the plane and follow it to the
ground.
There are some limitations to the Cat and Duck Method, but by rigidly
adhering to the following checklist, a degree of success will be achieved which
will surely startle you, your passengers, and even an occasional tower operator.
1. Get a wide-awake cat. Most cats do not want to stand up at all. It may
be necessary to carry a large dog in the cockpit to keep the cat at attention.
2. Make sure your cat is clean. Dirty cats will spend all their time
washing. Trying to follow a washing cat usually results in a tight snap roll
followed by an inverted spin.
3. Use old cats only. Young cats have nine lives, but old, used-up cats
with only one life left have just as much to lose as you do and will be more
dependable.
4. Beware of cowardly ducks. If the duck discovers that you are using the
cat to stay upright, it will refuse to leave without the cat. Ducks are no
better in IFR conditions than you are.
5. Be sure the duck has good eyesight. Nearsighted ducks sometimes fail to
realize that they are on the gauges and go flogging off in the nearest hill.
Very nearsighted ducks will not realize that they have been thrown out and will
descend to the ground in a sitting position. This maneuver is difficult to
follow in an airplane.
6. Use land-loving ducks. It is very discouraging to break out and find
yourself on final for a rice paddy, particularly if there are duck hunters
around. Duck hunters suffer from temporary insanity while sitting in freezing
weather in the blinds and will shoot at anything that flies.
7. Choose your duck carefully. It is easy to confuse ducks with geese
because many water birds look alike. While they are very competent instrument
flyers, geese seldom want to go in the same direction as you.
GSP Digest #279
September 16, 1990
-= cat =-= 39 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Reuters News Service - An animal protection group in Jerusalem says since June,
there have been 43 reported cases of people throwing cats out of cars,
apparently in an attempt to abandon them to the streets. While most were tossed
from cars "at low speed," at least one ended up hitting the windshield of
another vehicle. The cat survived.
-= cat =-= 40 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Reasons To Hate Cats
They look at you as if YOU were the ignorant one.
They love to play with ping pong balls, in the bathtub, usually at 3:00 am.
You wake up, find them sitting on your chest, facing away from you, with their
butts in your face, usually at 3:00 am.
-= cat =-= 41 =---------------------------------------------------------------
A guy is in his backyard one day and, looking over his fence, sees his
neighbour digging a hole in his garden. Being a friendly person, he asks what
the hole is for.
"My canary died and I'm burying it." said the neighbour.
"Oh, I'm sorry about that," said the guy, "but that's a pretty big hole for a
little canary, isn't it?" he said.
"Well, it's inside your fucking cat!" replied the neighbour.
-= cat =-= 42 =---------------------------------------------------------------
This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game
or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets
home from work. Well, one Thursday, she's playing a great game and she has an
incredible hand when she notices the time. "Oh, no! I have to go fix my
husband his dinner! He's going to be so angry if it's not ready on time." And
she dashes out fo her friend's house, her great hand forgotten on the table.
When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to
go to the grocery store, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce
leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food,
stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is
pulling up. She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she
realizes he is loving it!
"Mmmm, honey, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of
marriage. You can make this for me any old day, mmmmm!" And that night they
had sex for the first time in months and it was great!
Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this dinner for her
husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and they are all horrified.
"You're going to kill him," they say, or "He's just yanking your chain," but
she continued to make him his cat food dinner and then, afterwards, they would
boink like fiends.
Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women the Thursday
after the funeral attacked our new widow for being so callous. "You killed him!
We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can
you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoicly replied, "Ahh, I didn't kill him, he fell off the mantel
when he was licking his ass."
-= cat =-= 43 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Why Cats Are Smarter Than Humans
by Jim Aites (aites@lvld.hp.com)
1. Cats are successful underachievers. They only need to purr in order to get
free food and TLC.
2. Cats hide their true intelligence. They only acknowledge 45 'human' words.
(in any given language)
3. Ancient Egyptians believed cats to be deities. They were right, cats have
nine lives. (lucky @#$%^$&)
4. Cats have a higher sense of dignity. NEVER laugh at a cat. They can hold a
grudge forever!
5. Why do cats and dogs fight? For the privilege of owning a HUMAN. (note:
cats often WIN)
6. A cat *can* learn to shit on the pot AND flush. Care to try that with a
dog...or a 1 year old human?
7. Cats can perceive alternate realities. They often are seen watching or
tracking 'invisible' things.
8. Even a kitten can 'psych' out an adult human.
9. What other creature can lay around the house doing nothing beyond purring,
and still get free food and TLC?
-= cat =-= 44 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Cats May Safely Sleep
from "Songs of the Cat"
sung by Garrision Keillor and Frederica von Stade. RCA Victor. 09026-61161-2.
(sung to the tune of J.S. Bach's "Sheep May Safely Graze")
Here in the room where the sun is shining,
Two little cats on the rug reclining.
Slowly their eyes are closing,
Now they are sweetly dozing,
Curled up together in a heap,
Two little cats are fast asleep.
God in His grace has given us cats
So that even the lonely
Can love and admire.
Creatures so light, so graceful, so elegant,
We are inspired by them to know
Our own perfection
And the love and grace that fills this life.
There in the square that the sun is making,
Two little cats from their naps are waking.
Yawning and stretching slowly,
Washing their face in holy
Pleasure of warm and sunny days,
Purring a little song of praise.
-= cat =-= 45 =---------------------------------------------------------------
January 29, 1995
Dear Sir,
This is of the utmost urgency. The following is the "sleeper" of all
"sleepers." Please send your check in the amount of $50,000 immediately. We are
limiting each participant to one unit. You can understand after reading this
once in a life time offer.
A group of us are considering investing in a large cat ranch near Hermosillo,
Mexico. It is our purpose to start rather small with about one million cats.
Each cat averages about twelve kittens a year; skins can be sold for about 20
cents for the white one and up to 40 cents for the black. This will give us
twelve million cat skins per year to sell at an average price of around 32
cents, making our gross revenue about $3 million a year. This really averages
out to about $10,000 a day, excluding Sundays and holidays.
A good Mexican cat man can skin about 50 cats each day, at a wage of $13.15 a
day. It will take 663 men to operate the ranch, so the net profit would be over
$8,200 per day. Your $50,000 investment would be recovered in 6.1 days, which
beats the stock market.
Now, the cats would be fed on rats exclusively. Rats multiply four times as
fast as cats. We would start a rat ranch adjacent to our cat farm. If we start
with a million rats, we will have four rats per cat per day. The rats will be
fed on the carcasses of the cats that we skin. This will give each rat a
quarter of a cat. You can see by this that the business is a clean operation;
self-supporting and really automatic throughout. The cats will eat the rats and
the rats will eat the cats and we will get the skins.
Eventually, it is our hope to cross the cats with snakes, for they will skin
themselves twice a year. This would save the labor cost of skinning, as well as
give us two skins for one cat.
Time is of the essence. Any hesitation on your part would be sheer disaster.
Become a millionaire with us through knowledgeable investments.
Sincerely,
Festus Duke
P.S. Somehow the word got out, so we had to buy 1 million snakes before the
price went up. Please enclose a check for $10.00 to cover your share of this
purchase.
-= cat =-= 46 =---------------------------------------------------------------
]NEW[
Top 10 Reasons Why Kittens Are Better Than Babies
By: dcohen@paul.rutgers.edu (Dawn Myfanwy Cohen)
I've known a number of people who told me that they were really eager to have
babies. Having a spouse or good job would be okay, too, but what they were
really after was the babies. I never understood the attraction for a long time,
but then it hit me. They must want babies like I wanted a cat. (Until recently,
I lived in a dormitory where people of the furry persuasion are the subject of
intense discrimination.) Though I now understand the feelings of those who have
the unfulfilled cravings of the existence of another living creature in the
house, I feel it my duty to point out the flaws in their reasoning.
10. Veterinarians have evening hours.
9. Your kitten won't be able to disturb the whole movie theater with its
crying. Hell, you don't even have to take the kitten with you, and if you
don't, you don't even't have to worry about whether or not the sitter is
available tonight.
8. Your kitten won't grow out of those cute but expensive clothes within three
months.
7. Kittens look cute if they haven't had a bath this month.
6. You probably don't have to lie awake nights wondering how you are going to
finance your kitten's college (or high school) education.
5. No one will accuse you of being an unfit mother if you don't want to breast
feed your kitten.
4. No one will accuse you of perversion or sexual abuse if you fondle your
kitten.
3. Dan Quayle can't accuse you of destroying the moral fabric of the country if
you aren't married to the father of your kitten. In fact, nobody will ever
ask you if you know who the father is.
2. No one will question your abilities to function normally at your job when
they hear you just got a kitten.
1. You only have to change a litter box once a day.
================================================================================
== COW =========================================================================
-= cow =-= 1 =---------------------------------------------------------------
What did one cow say to the other cow?
"Don't have a Bart, man!"
-= cow =-= 2 =---------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a cow that had an abortion?
Decalfinated.
-= cow =-= 3 =---------------------------------------------------------------
A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise
cattle. Friends visited and asked if the ranch had a name. "Well," said the
would-be cattleman, "I wanted to name it the Bar-J. My wife favored Suzy-Q, one
son like the Flying-W, and the other wanted the Lazy-Y. So we're calling it the
Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y."
"But where are all your cattle?" the friends asked.
"None survived the branding."
-= cow =-= 4 =---------------------------------------------------------------
There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields. The
first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They
say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm."
The other cow replies, "Hell, I ain't worried, it don't affect us ducks."
-= cow =-= 5 =---------------------------------------------------------------
An American tourist goes into a restaurant in Spain and orders the specialty
of the house. When his dinner arrives, he asks the waiter what it is. "These,
senor," replied the waiter in broken English, "are the cojones, how you say, the
testicles, of the bull killed in the ring today."
The tourist swallowed hard but tasted the dish and thought it was delicious.
So he comes back the next evening and orders the same item.
When it is served, he says to the waiter, "These cojones, or whatever you
call them...are much smaller than the ones I had last night."
"Yes, senor," replied the waiter, "You see...the bull, he does not always
lose."
-= cow =-= 6 =---------------------------------------------------------------
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket. "You know a
cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone,
"I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
- Jake Johansen, a local comic
-= cow =-= 7 =---------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a sleeping bull
A bull-dozer.
-= cow =-= 8 =---------------------------------------------------------------
There was a herd of cattle all standing on a hill when an earthquake struck.
All of the cows fell down, but the bull remained standing. The farmer noticing
this went out and asked the bull, "Why didn't you fall down like the rest of the
herd.
The bull replied, "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."
-= cow =-= 9 =---------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a cow with no front legs?
Lean Beef
What do you call a cow with no legs at all?
Ground beef
-= cow =-= 10 =---------------------------------------------------------------
From the Far Side Calander:
Picture is a courtroom with a cow on the witness stand.
"Look. We know how you did it. How is no longer the question. What we now
want to know is 'Why?'. Why now, Brown Cow?"
-= cow =-= 11 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Old man Frank goes and gets a loan from the bank to buy a high priced bull.
A few days later, the banker comes along and asks, "How's our bull doing?"
Frank says, "Our bull ain't doing too good. I got him out there in the
pasture with a bunch of young cows and he don't want nothing to do with them."
The banker says, "You better call the veterinarian."
A couple of days later, the banker comes along again and says, "How's our
bull doing now?"
Frank says, "Plenty darn good. He has done serviced all of my cows, jumped
the fence, and is working on the neighbors' cows."
The banker says, "Wow! What did the Vet give him?"
Frank says, "He gave him some pills."
The banker says, "What kind of pills?"
Frank says, "I don't know, but they tasted sort of like peppermint."
-= cow =-= 12 =---------------------------------------------------------------
A farmer down the road had a fairly large herd of cows and three bulls. Each
bull keeping a strict eye on his portion of the cows. A rumour comes around that
the farmer is going to get another bull and the three bulls are standing in the
field discussing this.
The first bull says, "Well, there's no way he's going to get any of my cows."
The second bull agrees, "Yeah, I'm not giving up any. He can wait till next
year and get some of the new ones."
The third bull who was a bit smaller says, "I don't have as many as you guys
so I'm not giving any up."
Finally, the new bull arrives. The first three gather at the edge of the
field to watch him being unloaded from the trailor. To their consternation, the
biggest, meanest Brahma bull they have ever seen comes strolling down the ramp
and glares at them. He's at least three times bigger than any of them.
The first bull looks around nervously and says, "Well now, I suppose it would
be a neighbourly thing to give this guy some cows. I think I'll give him twenty
of mine."
The second bull says, "Yeah, I guess so, I'll give him thirty of mine."
They look over at the small bull. He's busy pawing the grass, snorting, and
shaking his head. They go over and ask him what he's doing and suggest that he
should give up some cows too.
He says, "Yes I know, I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!"
-= cow =-= 13 =---------------------------------------------------------------
New York Times: May 30, 1911 (P. 3)
Biplane Strikes Cow
Aviator Falls From Seat And Machine Drags Across Country For Miles
Los Angeles, Cal. May 29 [unreadable name] Williams who is trying for a
license of an air pilot, struck a cow while sailing a biplane yesterday, and was
hurled to the ground by the shock, while the machine was driven a distance of
two miles without a pilot.
Williams was flying about ten feet above the ground. Suddenly, as he passed
over the brow of a hill, he came upon the cow, grazing peacefully.
Some part of the machine struck her, knocking her several feet and turning
her over and over. Williams tumbled from his seat, but was unhurt. The machine
was finally halted by a haystack. When friends of Williams in an automobile
reached the machine the propeller was still running.
-= cow =-= 14 =---------------------------------------------------------------
New York Times: Oct. 17, 1911 (P. 5)
[Cal Rodgers was the first person to fly across the United States and thus
attracted the curiosity of many people and other life forms who had never before
seen a airplane. Rodgers' machine was specially built for him by the Wright
Brothers and looked quite similar to their machine at Kitty Hawk]
Rodgers Is Delayed By Engine Trouble
Aviator Stops at McAlester, Okla., and Will Start for Fort Worth, Texas, To-day.
Much Amused By Cows
Rodgers Sees a Herd Watching Him as He Passes Overhead -- His Flight from New
York
By C. P. Rodgers
(The following is an excerpt from a longer article)
It was amusing to see the people running out to see me. They were on top of
everything that had any elevation.
This is a good flying country, fairly level, although there are some places
with odd patches, which caused me to fly higher, so as to plan for landing.
Passing a field with four of five cows in it, I noticed that even they began to
stare at me. It seemed funny to me, for it is usually hard to attract a cow's
attention with anything.
-= cow =-= 15 =---------------------------------------------------------------
From a Reuter bulletin: Twenty-two pregnant cows worth more than $2,000,000
were electrocuted in a freak accident in England when lightning struck a metal
pen they were housed in. "I have heard of odd cows being struck by lightning,
but never this many in one go before," said chief herdsman Les Timbrell.
-= cow =-= 16 =---------------------------------------------------------------
The largest source of methane in the atmosphere is gas expelled by bovines
(cattle) during excretion.
-= cow =-= 17 =---------------------------------------------------------------
A Colorado State University animal nutrition professor named Donald Johnson has
been studying cow flatulence for 20 years, and has determined that the average
cow emits 200 to 400 quarts of methane gas PER DAY, resulting in a total annual
world cow methane output of 50 million metric TONS! Don't light a match around
a cow and never allow a cow inside your sleeping bag!!
-= cow =-= 18 =---------------------------------------------------------------
The U.S. Environmental Protection Agency has reported that burping cows are
the number one source of air pollution in the United States. EPA test results
show that American cows blissfully belch 50 million tons of hydrocarbon into the
air annually. However, the EPA estimates that if a way existed for controlling
the hydrocarbon-rich belches of just 10 cows for 1 year, enough gas would be
provided to satisfy the space heating, water heating, and cooking requirements
for an average American house.
A veterinarian has said that since cows produce up to three quarts of gas per
minute, they NEED to belch. Otherwise, "If it can't burp," the vet said, "its
stomach can explode within the hour." He was referring to a story concerning a
New Zealand farmer who purchased a cow, which he and his family were admiring,
when suddenly, without warning, the cow "exploded before their eyes, spattering
into a million bits of flesh and bone and drenching them all in blood.
-= cow =-= 19 =---------------------------------------------------------------
I was driving through the country, and there were some cows by the side of the
road. We're all mature adults, so we've all done this: I leaned my head out of
the car window, and yelled, "Moooooo!" Like we expect that cow to be thinking,
"Hey, there's a cow driving that car! How can he afford that?"
-= cow =-= 20 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Deviant Sex in the Rural Setting
(from a misc.rural posting)
I wish to try to weave these various sex threads into the rural fabric. Yes,
sexual deviancy pervades the countryside.
First, there are all of those lesbian cows. Every 21 days or so, sexually
mature, non-pregnant bovine females shamelessly lose control of their carnal
passions; they come into estrus, in heat, or on heat as the British would say.
When there is no bull to requite their desires, cows can be observed mounting
each other in the dark recesses of the back pasture or right up by the roadside,
in front of God and everybody. The cow which stands for another to mount is
deemed to be in heat. At this point, the farmer has 12-24 hours to enter the
game if he wants his cow to become pregnant. In times past, he would drive or
lead old "Bossy" to his own or the neighbor's bull.
Farm boys have many jokes about this. In one case, the small boy explains to
his teacher that he is late to school because he had to take the cow to the
neighbor's bull. The teacher asks, "Couldn't your father have done it? "Yes,
but Dad's not registered."
When there is no bull, sex around the farm really gets weird. The farmer,
(are you ready?) picks up the telephone. He calls his neighborhood inseminator
to join the fun. The inseminator arrives with semen that has been collected at
a bull stud in a manner that would have the religious right tearing their hair
if it were ever on the local newsstand.
In times past, a cow kept "hot" with hormone injections was used as the
object of the bull's affection. Because the hand is not the only thing quicker
than the eye, the bull sometimes slipped one past his handlers and actually
penetrated the cow. Because of the hazard of transmitting sexually transmitted
diseases, we called them VD in olden times. "Hot" cows were discarded in favor
of other sex-objects, animate and inanimate. It is enough to make one blush,
but often one male is used for the "donor" to mount after a little foreplay and
teasing. As the bull mounts, the handler grasps the bull's sheath in one hand
and guides the bull's erect penis, or male member if you prefer, into an
artificial vagina which consists of a hard composition outer shell some 10cm or
so in diameter with latex liner filled with warm water and suitably lubricated.
When the bull has had his pleasure, in a manner of speaking, the ejaculate is
drained into a collection tube at the end of a latex cone attached to one end of
the artificial vagina for the purpose. The volume of the ejaculate is measured,
and thesemen diluted and frozen in vials or straws the latter developed by the
French at a bull stud at L'Aigle, Normandy.
Now, for you who have had trouble handling the Gay-Lesbian-Bisexual thread, I
thought it worth pointing out that even dittoheads in the Bible Belt depend on
all of these alternative lifestyles and more to keep the mortgage paid.
Wes Combs, Ph.D.
Academic Advisor, and
Consultant in International Livestock Development
================================================================================
== DOG =========================================================================
-= dog =-= 1 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Bad Dog!
This is a list of phrases dog owners should get their naughty pets to write on a
blackboard a la Bart Simpson. If you could get them to write... Send more
suggestions to Harold Reynolds, reynolds@geog.utoronto.ca
[A HREF="http://geog.utoronto.ca/reynolds/humour.html">
Note: There is a companion "Bad Kitty/Bad Human List" posted in rec.pets.cats.
First posting: November 22, 1993. Latest update: [December 6, 1994].
A * indicates additions/changes from the previous posting.
A. Fill in the blanks
1. [xxx] is not food.
Spiders; bandaids; ivy and airplane plants; Xmas ornaments; the carved
jack-o-lantern; plants from the aquarium; cat litter box contents; laundry
detergent boxes (esp. not when full!); toothpaste (tube and all); remote
controls; linoleum; eyeglasses; books; stockings; the tar shingles on my
house; chicken wire; bizarre plants; disposable razors; rocks; Lego; dirty
Kleenex; the baby's used diaper; Christmas stockings; soda pop cans;
fiberglass insulation stuffed up the chimney; the underwear in the clothes
hamper; Mommy's hair accessories; Mommy's catnip teabags; unopened honey
packets; staples; used condoms; Christmas stockings; credit cards, CDs, and
other thin plastic things.
2. I will not lift my leg to the [xxx].
Anything growing in the vegetable garden; house corner; new boyfriend;
mailman; woodstove; subordinate pack members; Grandma's plush chair; the
conformation judge; good-looking neighbour man that Mommy is trying to
impress; Daddy in the lawn chair.
3. I recognize that [xxx] has a right to exist.
The humans' shoes; the human's cats; the aquarium; 3rd grade art projects
(even if they are made of macaroni shells); the other dog(s); the TV remote
control; the human's little humans; the bath mitt; Rolling Stone magazine;
large patterns on wallpaper;
4. [xxx] is not a toy.
The humans' shoes; the human's cats; the humans' pet cockatiel; newly planted
iris bulbs; pillows and blankets from the bed; laundry (dirty OR clean);
aquarium plants; stuffed animals from on top of the chest of drawers; pillows
and blankets from the newly made bed; the hose that's filling the kiddie
pool; the humans' Nerf footballs; human's underwear; Mommy and Daddy's
ferrets.
5. I will not chew the [xxx].
Human's homework; human's papers s/he has to mark; remote control; cardboard
around the laundry detergent; handles to the lawn tools; garage door; kitchen
cabinets; food left within reach on the couch; the mini-human's *full* bottle
even though it conveniently fell in front of me from the crib; horse's new
saddle; wall; carpet; deck; couch; sofa cushions; expensive paperbacks.
6. I will not bark at [xxx].
Plastic bags on the ground; the new plow blade on my owner's truck when it is
parked; the wind; thunder; the road grader; Daddy's new Santa bear toy (which
was innocently sitting on a chair, and had been there for hours before Molly
noticed it and took umbrage); tissue paper being blown along the floor by air
from the furnace; the spring doorstop when I or the kid flips it and makes it
go DOooiiiiinnnnnng; my mother's clean laundry thrown on top of the bed, even
if the room is dark and it looks like someone sleeping there; the ball I just
pushed into an inaccessible crevice all by myself; the fox/skunk/cat/deer out
in the yard at any time after midnight, especially on a work night; the fire
hydrant on the corner when out for a walk at night; the car radio; the
answering machine lady when she says the date/time; the ice cube that slid
under the fridge; the rawhide chewbone that I'm making no headway on;
absolutely _nothing_ (especially after 11 PM).
7. I will not dig [xxx].
Under the stove (and through the linoleum); under the sidewalk until it
collapses; the carpet; a hole under the porch and then get stuck under it;
under my master's pillow at 2 AM to retrieve the bone I hid there earlier; a
swimming pool in the back yard;
B. Others
a) ---Food/Water---
-I will not target the most expensive cheese in the platter for eating.
-I will not eat the soap.
-I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
-I will not eat my human's plants.
-I will not conspire with the cat to get the roast thawing on the windowsill.
-I will not drink the water (and fish) from the aquarium.
-I will not get caught with my entire head in the dog food bag when Mom is busy
cleaning my sister's paws.
-I am a dog, not a cow; grass is not food.
-Mommy can have her own food without feeding me.
-I will not drink out of the toilet right after it's used until Mom flushes it.
-I will not levitate loaves of bread, pans of brownies, bowls of soup, and other
edible things off the kitchen counters.
-I will not climb up on the dining table when no one's looking and eat out of
the serving bowls.
-I will quit escaping from the vet and eating all the other dogs', cats' and
birds' food.
-I will politely refuse when my great-grandmother makes me steak tips and rice,
because I know this is not good for me.
-Even though I'm a springer, I will not spring through the open car window and
into the fast food restaurant, no matter how good it smells.
-If I absolutely _must_ eat all the Christmas baking my Mommy stayed up all
night to do, I won't run up to her and burp contentedly in her face.
-I will not dive into the Christmas Tree to get the candy canes (which I will
eat, paper and all).
-I will not drink out of the toilet no matter how thirsty I am.
-I will not eat a whole loaf of bread; it only makes doxies look shorter.
-I will not eat Mommy's hair clips for dessert.
-Rolling Stone magazine is a READING supplement, not an EATING one.
-Wallpaper, drywall, and fiberglass insulation is a three-course meal that gives
me a tummyache.
-Caterpillars are not crawling hors d'oeurves.
-Lipstick is not food, even if mommy 'eats' it. (the effect was a bit
frightening!)
-Crinkling cellophane is NOT a food sound from the wild and I will not come and
hunt it when I hear it.
-Just because the human is smaller than me, I cannot have its food.
-I will not get a mouthful of kibble and dribble it all across the kitchen,
dining room, and living room floor, just so Mom (who is reading in the living
room) can watch me eat.
-I will not eat the baggie of chocolate wafer cookies Daddy left on the coffee
table so that Mommy has a big, brown, spot to clean off of the carpet when she
gets home after a long day at work.
-I will not lick or steal raw chicken from the grill while Daddy is not looking.
-I will not eat my Christmas doggie treats until _after_ they're out of the
stocking!
-I will not crawl up on the table and eat only the meat (leaving the veggies, of
course) on my family's plates.
-The computer's mouse is, unlike a real mouse, inedible.
b) ---Bodily Functions---
-I will not relieve myself in the dog show ring.
-I will not spend more than 5 minutes trying to find the "perfect" place to
poop.
-The Christmas Tree was NOT put there as my own personal 'relieving' post.
-I will not pee in the bedroom doorway of Mom's new boyfriend the first time I
visit his house.
-I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of carpet in the house when
I am about to throw up.
-I will not scratch in dog class.
-I will not even THINK about going underneath the (Christmas) tree and going
piddle on the dining room rug.
-I will not throw up in the car.
-When I need to leave my kennel to go outside to pee, the shortest route is NOT
across the bed, especially not at 4AM.
-I will not fart loudly, then chase my tail to catch the noise.
-I will not fart loudly, then look at Mommy like she's the culprit, because then
Daddy believes me and it causes an argument.
-I *will* scootch my bottom along the grass to rid myself of hangers-on.
-I will wipe my butt on the grass, not on the carpet. They're both green, but
I know the difference.
c) ---Gross!---
-I will not steal used sanitary napkins from the bathroom garbage.
-I will not roll in dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
-I will not eat other animals' poop.
-I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
-I will not roll my head around in other animals' poop.
-I will not eat my own vomit.
-I will not drop gooey slimy rawhide chews into Mommy's lap.
-I will not breathe on Mommy after "recycling" the poop in the backyard.
-"Kitty box crunchies" are not food. (Yep, I know it's a duplicate; my dogs are
repeat offenders.)
-I will not drool onto the dinner table or my Mom's plate.
-I will not try to convince the person who ALWAYS gives me dog cookies that I
love her new silk dress by covering it with doggy drool.
-I will not eat any more socks and then re-deposit them in the backyard after
processing. (I did threaten to return the sock of a house guest who had been
warned not to leave his socks around. It had been 'processed' and the pattern
was still recognizable in the pile in the back yard.)
-I will not spray my Mom anymore when I have a huge sneeze.
-I will not eat mice which the cat has caught for me, or roll on them until they
are squashed flat or sit looking through the glass door with a rodent tail
hanging from my mouth while my mummy is eating dinner!
-Drooling on guests is not a social skill.
-I will not run over to my master after eating and burp in his face.
-I will not hide my soggy rawhide chew in the toe of the shoe my human is about
to put on.
-I will not lick up garbage drippings in the street.
-I will not eat dead worms or crickets from the driveway.
-I will not lick Daddy's face after I've cleaned my private parts.
-I will not lick the backs of my humans' teeth when they are asleep.
-I will not catch mice, and run around the yard while they're squeaking in my
mouth playing Catch The Dog with Mommy. Further, I will not then regurgitate
them whole, re-eat them and play Catch with Mommy again. (Why does Mommy keep
shrieking like that?)
-The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. I will not eat the disposable diapers,
especially the dirty ones.
-I will not belch loudly, then smack my lips and smile when Mommy and Daddy have
guests.
-I will not lick the inside of Mommy's nose. She says this feels nasty.
-I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
-I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
-I will not leave uneaten pieces of roaches lying around the house.
-I will not chew crayons or pens, specially not the red ones, or my owner will
think I am hemorrhaging.
-I do not need to immediately find Mommy and give her all kinds of kisses when I
have just had a drink from my favorite water bowl in the bathroom.
d) ---Annoying/Embarrassing Habits---
-I will not dig to China through *anybody's* garden.
-I will not try to smell my human's visitors' private parts.
-I will not jump on the bed and wash Dad's pillow anymore.
-I will not hide Mom's slippers any more.
-I will not tear off at 80 mph every time I catch a new smell to track,
especially when my human is holding my leash.
-I will not do the "dog sled" (drag my behind) across the carpet while guests
are present.
-Not everyone loves me, so I will not fling myself at all and sundry. Especially
when I have been eating/rolling on week-old bones.
-I will not take off while on leash to chase squirrels while Mommy is standing
on a slippery grass slope.
-I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who is sitting
on the toilet.
-I will not leave balls on the stairs.
-I will not take excessive delight in pushing around a guest's smelly boots.
-Whenever someone comes to visit, I will not jump up on the car door and leave
pretty claw-marks on the shiny paint!
-I will not go and lick, sniff, or disturb Mommy/Daddy while they are sitting on
the toilet.
-I will not bury my gooey chewy in my Mommy and Daddy's bed.
-I will not try to retrieve my once gooey chewy from my Mommy and Daddy's bed in
the middle of the night.
-I will not masturbate myself in front of new guests.
-I will not jump on guests and boink them in the groin with my nose.
-I will not steal hard candy, crunch and munch on it and leave candy-coated
drool to dry into the rug.
-No matter how *ripe* Mummy's armpits are, they are not for rolling in like your
common puddle of street trash/dead animal/etc.
-I will not shake hands with a guest, then flop down onto his feet while I clean
my No-No.
-It makes Mommy nervous when I rest my head on her knee while she's on the
potty.
-Daddy gets embarrassed when I stare at his peeper when he is getting ready for
a shower.
-I will not jump onto the bed to watch when Mommy and Daddy begin to buck-n-
snort with one another.
-I will not press my face piteously against the hatchback window while we are
driving so people think I am being abducted. (With two 125lb dogs in a small
Mazda hatchback, this really is pitiful. I've had people glare at me and honk!)
-I will not assume the reflection from Mom's hand-held makeup mirror is an
intruder and try to attack it.
-I will not chew my chew hoof under the middle of Mom and Dad's king sized bed
at 2 am.
-I will not make Mommy feel guilty about "abandoning" me to go to work by giving
her "the Big Sad Eyes" through the back door. Dog food doesn't grow on trees
you know.
-I will not pull the plug on/turn off/reset the computer/Sega while a human is
trying to do work/play a game.
-Chewed up underwear/feminine hygiene products/poop from the backyard is NOT a
"toy" to be offered to guests.
-Just because I hear Mommy or Daddy's car doesn't mean I have to scream at the
top of my little doxie lungs.
-Mommy doesn't have to hold me in her arms so I can see, too, when Mommy is
talking to someone/cleaning the aquarium/doing the ironing/working on the
computer.
-I don't *have* to place my throat across Mommy or Daddy's mouth after they've
fussed at me. They're not really going to bite my throat out.
-I understand that while I think it's great fun to drop my rope/ball/bone in the
toilet while Daddy or a male guest is using it, Daddy doesn't like it and will
fuss at me.
-Just because it rings, there's no need for me to knock the receiver off the
phone and breathe heavily into the mouthpiece. [This can lead the caller to
get the wrong impression!]
-In the car, I will not tread on the electric window switch just as my owner is
paying at the tollbooth.
-I will not expose myself to female visitors.
-I will not drool over the computer keyboard while my human is out of the room
getting a beer.
-I am not an alarm clock. The human does *not* need to be woken at the same
time *every* day.
-I do not need to dribble my last drink of toilet water all over Mommy's bed.
-I do not need to soak my Vermont Chewman toys in the toilet.
e) ---Other Critters---
-I am bigger than that cat next door and should not be afraid of it.
-That black and white animal with the bushy tail is NOT a cat.
-Squirrels can fight back.
-I will not play tag with armadillos. (They fight back!)
-Possums are meant to be chased, not caught.
-Mockingbirds are not to be messed with. (They dive bomb! From behind!)
-The neighborhood dogs are NOT burglars/murderers.
-Other furry critters are not running chew toys. (Cats, squirrels, Mommy's
guinea pig)
-Other male dogs are not my enemies.
-I will not beat up the other dogs in the house even though the smaller ones
keep challenging me.
-I am a Corgi; I am not bigger than the Doberman and German Shepherd.
-Squirrels are not burglars. I do not need to bark when they are on the lawn.
-I will not chase the ducks, especially when they are swimming across the lake.
-I will not escape the backyard and go into the neighbor's backyard to play with
my best friend, the German Shepherd.
-I will not herd the animals in the church's nativity scene.
-I will not tear open the box containing the deceased guinea pig that my humans
were about to bury and scare my Mommy by carrying him into the house like a
stuffed toy and looking at her as if to say, "I think this guy got outside by
some mistake! Isn't he supposed to be INSIDE in his cage?!?"
-I will not terrorize the nice bunnies. (And the not-so-nice bunnies... they
kick!)
-I will leave the old dog alone when it doesn't want to play.
-I will stop playing tug with my brother's tail.
-That bear is NOT just another big dog.
-I will not use "flip" small dogs over with my snout just for the fun of it,
especially not at the top of the stairs.
-A pouring rainstorm is not a good time to play tag with Mommy, a cat, and a
shrub.
-Deer don't like me because I have a jingle-jangle collar. Chasing them doesn't
change this. I only jangle louder.
-I am a German Shepherd, and a Highland Terrier puppy is SMALLER than I am.
-Horses aren't playmates. The Mountie has a job to do, and his horse is part
of that job. I cannot commandeer its time.
-Mockingbirds will peck my head if I catch them. (My Akita bitch regularly
catches these enormous birds and they turn and peck her in the forehead HARD!
and she still chases them. Dumb, really dumb.)
-I will not bring live frogs or lizards into the house. [Bob used to do this and
then get highly excited as I probed around under the freezer with the handle of
the yard-sweeping brush trying to extract the terrified amphibian(s)!]
-Multi-coloured snakes are NOT my friends.
-The neighbour's cat is NOT a rag doll.
f) ---Not-All-There---
-We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
-I will not bark at the dog (in the aquarium; floating outside the window; in
the oven). It is just my reflection.
-Freezing nights are not good time to play in the backyard with Mommy. I have a
fur coat, Mommy doesn't.
-I will watch where I am going, so that I will stop running into small, but very
hard, trees.
-Squeaky toys are not spooky or dangerous and I should not be afraid of them.
-I will not get so excited when I see a treat that I do every trick I know
whether my master asked for it or not.
-I will not do 90 mph laps around all the living room furniture when people are
sitting on it.
-Raindrops are not my enemy and I can go outside to relieve myself without
barking at them when they are present.
-Flatulence is noisy but will not hurt me.
-I do not need to be dominant over the vacuum cleaner.
-The dogs on TV are not real.
-The feather pillow is not a bird. I will not flush it out of its hiding place.
-I know that deer statues are not real and will not try to attack them.
-I will realize that scary animal in the yard next door is just a really tacky
plastic deer and will quit barking at it at every opportunity.
-I will not do a "hold and bark" at the plastic Santa Claus on the neighbor's
front lawn. He's not wearing a sleeve, anyway.
-The bright, colored lights outside do not signal landing UFOs, so I will stop
barking at them whenever they are turned on.
-I will not walk under the big dog when he is peeing.
-I will not lie on the ground in the snow and refuse to get up when Mommy says
to even though it's only 15 F out and Mommy forgot her hat and gloves.
-My human does not have to hold the bone while I chew it; I can do it myself.
-I am the alpha dog, therefore I do not need to protect my new Christmas rawhide
from the omega dog by taking it outside to eat when the wind chill is -46 F.
-I will not throw myself against the windshield trying to chase the big truck in
front of us.
-I don't need to thank mom/dad every few bites of my breakfast/dinner.
-The plastic owl is to scare woodpeckers, since I'm not a woodpecker, I won't be
scared.
-I will not smash my whole body against the patio doors when I want in, causing
the entire door to smash to smithereens. (Mastiffs must write this out extra
times)
-I will not fool with Daddy's electric razor, even if he lets it lie on the bed.
It turns on easily and makes spooky noise.
-I will not stick my head into a lit candle, thereby curling my mouth whiskers
and eyebrows.
-I will not throw my chewbone into the air so it lands on my head with a
KER-THUMP! and makes me bark at it.
-The Flat Folk in the mirror and their dog (who looks a lot like me) are not
thieves. They live here, too.
-Water dropping from a height is not dangerous, and does not need to be subdued
instantly. I don't have to be there when the humans empty the vaporiser into
the tub, so I can bite the water.
-I will not chase the laundry down the laundry chute, because I get stuck
*every* time, and Daddy has to pull me through to the basement, and that hurts
my tummy.
-I must face the same direction as the other dogs when I am harnessed with them
or I will get dragged.
-There is not a doggy door in the screen.
-The trashcan with the step on foot will bite my head. (Maesc took about
fifteen minutes to figure out that the trashcan lid will go up if he steps on
the lever. He hasn't quite figured out he has to keep his foot on it or the lid
will slam on his head.)
-I will not stand in the corner between a half-open door and the wall whining to
be let out.
-There are no humans hiding inside the radio/TV.
-I will not crawl under the bed, get stuck, then whimper pathetically till
somebody comes to find me.
-I will NOT jump out of the pickup truck bed while it is traveling down the
freeway.
g) ---Personal Comfort---
-Baths are fun and relaxing!
-Waterbeds were designed for humans. Really.
-Being outside for any other reason than doing my business really is all right.
-I will not dig more than one new 'cool earth wallow' per day.
-I will not crowd my human in bed.
-I don't have to go out to the backyard *this instant*.
-I will not hoard all the nylabones so the other dogs can't get them.
-I will stop playing dead when lying in the middle of the bed and will move when
Mom and Dad want in.
-I will not hog the warm spot right in front of the kerosene heater.
-I will quit hogging all the pillows.
-I will not pull the down comforter off the bed and into the closet so I can
sleep on it in the middle of the night.
-When I am lying on the sofa, Mommy can lie on the other side; I know how to
share.
-I will leave room in the bed for Dad.
-I weigh 70 pounds. I will not fit on Mom's lap.
-When Daddy is gone, I will not use his pillow and breathe down Mommy's neck
until she takes me out.
-When Mommy rises early from the bed, I will not play a trick on Daddy by
kissing him so he rolls over and gives me a tongue-kiss, too. He makes a loud
noise when he finds out it's me.
-I am a German Shepherd. When I'm at the vet's I won't be scared to sit on the
floor like a BigGirlDog. I'm too big for Mommy's lap.
-I can go to sleep without having my rope and my ball and my bone in bed with me
and the humans.
-I can go to sleep without cleaning my toes first.
-The leather davenport is NOT a bed.
h) ---The Human Factor---
-The vet is my *friend*.
-I will only do my "someone's out there" bark when there really is someone at
the door.
-I will not greet the humans at the back door with their personal possessions
(retrieved from the closet) in my mouth.
-When the humans leave without me, attacking the front window is not the way to
get them to notice I'm upset.
-I will not howl when my mistress is practicing the {piano|violin|glockenspiel}.
-I will not knock down and lick the face of the meter reader.
-I will recognize my beloved mistress, even if she *is* wearing her
drum-n-bugle-corps uniform.
-I will not bathe anyone's face when they're cranking the ice cream maker.
-I will not lick the humans' faces while they are being ..ahem... intimate.
-I will realize that everyone knows I am a neglected dog because my parents
throw me outside to wee late at night and will therefore refrain from
announcing it by barking non-stop.
-I do not have to meet EVERYONE.
-When my humans are kissing and making out, I will not whine jealously and try
to force myself between them.
-Although I am a red blooded Aussie male Rottweiler, I will refrain from
becoming "excited" when my female vet examines me because it embarrasses my
Mom.
-I will not attack my master every time he sits on the floor while talking with
someone on the telephone.
-I will not piddle and run and hide whenever my owner gives a down-stay command.
-It's okay for Mommy and Daddy to be in different rooms.
-Mommy can lie on the floor if she wants to. (Annie gets upset. Dogs are for
the floor, people should be on furniture.)
-I will not growl at my human's mother(-in-law).
-I will quit attacking Mom, who is just minding her own business, when Dad is
the one teasing me.
-I will not bite my Daddy in the ass when he turns away just after scolding me.
-I will not attack Daddy even if he is wearing a funny red suit, pillows and a
phony beard.
-I do not have to be in the room when my Mom goes to the bathroom.
-I will not go into the back seat and cover my eyes with my paws just because
Mom's driving.
-I will not growl at the strange guy in Mom's bed. (Oh, it's Dad.)
-My human's toes should not be in the socks I choose to chew on.
-The carollers outside do not need my help to sing their songs.
-Just because Mommy is on the floor does not mean she wants to play with me.
-I will not attack Mom's boyfriend when he is tickling her, he isn't really
trying to hurt her.
-I will not kiss Mommy when she is scolding me.
-I will not hump the leg of the minister when he comes to call on my human.
-I will not jump on my Mommy's pregnant tummy.
-I will not nip Mommy in the behind to get her to move faster.
-I will not attack the toll attendants for taking Mommy's money.
-I won't jump up on Dad's stomach when he's talking on the phone.
-I will not sit under the dinner table and bite people on their toes to gain
attention (read food)!
-If I roll over and try to shake paws, it won't necessarily get me out of
trouble.
-There are certain places on Daddy that are not okay to nibble when we are
rough-housing. This endangers my life.
-I will not herd my humans out of the hallway and into one room so I can watch
all of them at once.
-My bath time is not during Mommy's shower. I will lie quietly guarding her
until she's finished. I will not attempt to join her.
-I will not drop my Plaque Attacker on Mom's feet, as it is heavy and hard. I
will especially not drop it on her feet when she's standing beside the bed and
I'm standing *on* the bed.
-I will not drop my human's pager in the toilet, even if he told me to 'drop
it'.
-Mommy can take a shower without having my rope/ball/bone with her.
-I will not bite my Mommy's ass when she is trying to rescue my toe from the
grips of the evil screen door.
-The mailman is NOT a chew toy.
i) ---Children---
-Just because that mini human offers food to me doesn't always mean I should
take it.
-Infants who have just finished their cereal (and they aren't real good at it
yet!) have the *best* faces for washing.
-I will not knock over the little neighborhood kids when I greet them.
-I will not lick pudding/ice cream off the neighbor's kids' faces.
-I will not visit the next door neighbours to play with their children at every
possible opportunity.
-Every child in the world does not need for me to wash his/her face.
-I will notice small humans are not just other dogs and will not try to exert my
dominance on them.
j) ---Mess Making/Destroying---
-I will not open Mom's mirrored closet door by myself anymore, thereby making it
look like a glass of milk was thrown at it.
-I will not use all the door molding as a chew toy.
-I will not jump up on my human when he/she gets home from work and is wearing
nice clothes.
-I will not jump up on my human with my muddy paws after running through a mud
puddle.
-I will not make big splashes in mud puddles when heeling beside my human.
-I will not eat off the ends of my human's shoelaces.
-I will not run around the house with my human's stuffed animals.
-I will not get all wet/muddy and then walk against all the walls in the house
(so that my mum can see just how much I've grown!).
-I will not "de-flea" my mum's pillow in the middle of the night whilst she is
trying to sleep on it!
-I will not open the kitchen cabinets.
-I will not dig in the potpourri bowls.
-I will not chew the dog training book, especially when it is a library book and
my mother is a librarian.
-I will not unwrap all the Christmas presents while Mommy and Daddy are away at
work.
-I will not pull the tablecloth off the table to make the food more accessible
on the floor.
-I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with it.
-I will not chew up Mommy's spinning that she has been working on for months.
(Especially NOT the Angora spinning!)
-I will not jump all over the mattress that is being made up with my muddy feet.
-I will not peel wallpaper off of the walls.
-Just because the remote-control turns on the TV when I chew it does not qualify
it as a 'squeaky toy'.
-I shall not eat the crotch out of Mommy's dirty underwear when she forgets to
close the closet where the laundry basket sits.
-I am a German Shepherd, not a spider. Mommy's embroidery floss is not good web
material.
-I will not bury my chewman up to the neck in the yard to frighten my humans.
(I actually ran over one with the lawnmower. We have probably a dozen of them
in the yard in various stages of burying. A few have only the head and one arm
sticking up out of the grass. It's eerie.)
-I will not grab the bowl of half-jelled cranberries off the front step and
fling them across the snow so it looks like I murdered someone in the front
yard.
-I will not kill the neighbor humans blow-up pool and drag it triumphantly
around the yard as the air comes out of it.
-Uncle Billy's extensive hat collection is not a chew toy. (Well, now it is, but
it wasn't before!)
-Peeing on Daddy's pillow does not make him love you.
-I will not bite my human's cellular phone every time it rings. [So far, Bob
has destroyed 3 phones this way].
-I will not dismember children's dolls and leave the room looking like the
aftermath of a hatchet-murder.
-I will not chew or shake full cans of beer.
-Even though it hisses, the garden hose is not a snake, and so does not need to
be chewed every six inches along its length to keep it from attacking me.
-I will not bite a hole in the can of upholstery cleaner that Mommy left out
(bad Mommy) because I look very silly covered in white foam. I especially won't
do this when it's 20 below outside and the water heater's broken and Mommy has
to stand in the cold shower in order to rinse the nasty stuff off me.
-I will not send my full food dish for a ride down the staircase.
k) ---Hampering---
-I will not eat my human's mail, especially the bills.
-I will not help Mommy by digging up all those tasty bulbs she buried for me.
-I will not sneak into the garden and dig up the shrubs Mommy has just planted.
-I will not sulk by trying to sleep under mummy's feet while she is making
breakfast, washing, going to the toilet, etc. just because she slept in, is in
a hurry and can't take me for walkies.
-I will not steal the dishes from the dishwasher and hide them in my kennel.
-I will quit trying to drive the car and will stay down in the floor board.
-I will not jump in the car to go for a ride when Mommy and Daddy are already
running late and ready to leave.
-I will not attempt to climb in Mom's lap while she is driving.
-I will not shift the car into neutral while Mom is driving 65 mph in a
blizzard.
-I will not sneak up and steal napkins off the laps of humans while they are
eating.
-I will not eat the envelope with my human's cashed paycheck in it!
-When Mom is putting on socks in the morning, I will not take this as a sign to
start a game of tug-of-war.
-Dad doesn't need help tying his shoes... really.
-I will not play tag around the dining room table after I have found a
"treasure" (underwear, socks, tissues or other "stuff" from the trash, kitchen
towels, school projects, money, etc.), when Mommy is trying to catch me.
-Mommy knows her way around the house all by herself. She doesn't need me to
herd her into the shower, into the bedroom, back into the bathroom, and into
the kitchen every morning.
-I will stay out of the garden. Mom does not need help weeding or planting out
new plants. (It's OK to help with pruning, though. I can grab the branches
and take them all over the yard!)
-I will never again think that Dad won't mind me climbing behind his seat (since
he won't let me sit on his lap) while he's driving down an interstate in a
two-seat sports car!
l) ---Misuse/Misappropriation of Items---
-My Mommy's lap is not a napkin.
-The sofa is not a face towel.
-Mommy is not a salt lick.
-The rug is not a napkin.
-That is not my {turkey, stocking, present}.
-My rawhide bone does not belong in my Mom's bath.
-Tennis balls do not belong in the dishwasher.
-The agility field is NOT a doggy social meeting place.
-My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
-The balls on the Christmas tree are not dog balls.
-All things within my reach are NOT my toys; anything not within my reach but I
can jump and get is also NOT my toy.
-I do not have a little Scrabble board in my tummy. Eating a letter when Mommy
and Daddy play does not score me any points. Anywhere.
-The coffee table is not my private throne, and I should stay off of it.
-The laundry basket does not contain nesting material.
-The Persian rug is not for playing tug-o-war.
m) ---Miscellaneous---
-The doggie door is my friend.
-I will not make my sister/brother (the kitty)'s, life a misery when it is clear
she/he is not interested in playing.
-I will not slurp up a peg on the cribbage board when I am walking by a game.
-I will not eat the Bad Dog list.
-70 kilogram Rottweilers should not even bother to try to hide under small
coffee tables when they have been naughty.
-I will not pull all the stuffing out of my chewman within 10 minutes of getting
it.
-I will come out of my crate, even when I'm *not* in trouble, without Mom having
to tip it up sideways so I slide out.
-I will stop "posturing" when Mommy plays with me because I knock her over.
-I will not open any presents before Christmas.
-I will not search the Christmas presents under the tree looking for mine.
-I cannot decide when to take a break during agility training.
-I will get my picture taken with that fat red man who smells like every dog
that ever lived for charity.
-I like car rides, really, they are neat fun... really...
-Being groomed and combed is fun. Really.
-Briar bushes are not fun.
-I will not cook when the humans are out (or in).
-Moaning while getting a bath will not speed up the process.
-Mom and Dad don't need to get soaked just because I am getting a bath.
-= dog =-= 2 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Bad Human!
This is the reverse of the Bad Dog list. That is, what would your dog(s) have
you write on the chalkboard after committing a "crime"?
Send your suggestions to reynolds@geog.utoronto.ca
[A HREF="http://geog.utoronto.ca/reynolds/humour.html">
First posting: November 22, 1993. Latest Update: [December 6, 1994].
1. I will not bathe my master after he bathes himself in the mud puddle.
2. I will not drag my master from the interesting sniffing spots.
3. I will not complain "My arm is tired" after only throwing the ball 20 times.
4. I will not confuse my master by throwing snowballs for him to fetch.
5. I will not ask my master to play fetch with a boomerang.
6. I will drop whatever I'm doing and take my master out as soon as he asks me
to.
7. I will get rid of those cats.
8. I will not tell my master to HURRY UP ALREADY when he's looking for just the
right spot to take care of business.
9. I will make ice cream often and let my master lick the blades (rather than
having to steal a lick or two).
10. I will never eat until my master has tasted what I have and approved it for
me.
11. I will set up the kiddie pool every day it's hot - even in December.
12. I will not leave my master at home any time I go in the car.
13. I will share everything I eat with my master.
14. I will allow my master on the couch.
15. I will protect my master from that obnoxious little human thing at all
times.
16. I will not have another of those obnoxious little human things.
17. I will not hide my master's ball in a place where I know he couldn't
possibly retrieve it from and then ask him to go get it.
18. I will not sneak around the backyard wearing funny clothes to test whether
my master is a good watchdog.
19. I will realize that all my guests are really coming to massage and stroke
the master.
20. I will stop referring to my master's necklace as her "collar."
21. I will not cut my master's nails.
22. I will not take shredded, soggy, yummy tennis balls away from my master.
23. I will not abandon my master for trivial reasons like "going to work".
24. I will not wake my master when I come home from work.
25. My master's desires are always paramount. My master's wish is my command.
26. I will not bring home any more cats.
27. I will not stare while my master is doing his business.
28. Bad weather is no excuse for not walking my master.
29. I will open the back door as soon as my master sits by it.
30. I will not laugh at my master for being confused over not being able to find
the lump of ice that he buried earlier.
31. I will let my master bring the rear end of a mouse which the cat kindly gave
him to chew onto the lounge room carpet.
32. I will not push my master away when she wants a hug after playing in a mud
puddle.
33. I will give my masters chewies that last throughout that stupid kid's
_entire_ piano practice.
34. I will not feed the cat before I feed my masters.
35. I will not enter shows held in horse barns and expect my master to be
obedient.
36. Dog bladders are not large.
37. I will not yell at my master for creating "chew toys" from found objects.
38. I will not run out of treats.
39. I will {make a turkey/stuff a stocking/buy lots of presents} for my master.
40. I will not make my master wear silly-looking antlers or red hats.
41. I will not make my master pose for pictures with some fat stranger in a red
suit.
42. I will not tie leftover ribbons and bows all over my master.
43. I will not use decorations like tinsel that could be dangerous to my master.
44. I will try MUCH harder to understand my master's language.
45. I will not chase my master around yelling COME! when he is socializing.
46. The ornaments on the trees ARE balls. Really.
47. I will not ask my master to retire to his crate anymore.
48. GIVE and LEAVE IT are useless request, so I will stop using them.
49. I will always carry cookies and treats.
50. I will never go socializing with other canines without my master.
51. I will not take my master back to that horrid SPCA; she says it is a
Christmas party but I'm afraid she'll leave me there.
52. I will not order my master to get up out of the nice snow when he is
obviously making snow angels and giving himself a coat conditioning.
53. I will give up any idea of dieting as it could wreck my master's nice comfy
"chair".
54. I promise to leave all doors and windows in the house open as my masters
might need to make a quick exit to eradicate cats from the yard.
55. I will not come home from work and feel the sofa to see if it is still warm
from where my master was sleeping "illegally".
-= dog =-= 3 =---------------------------------------------------------------
What the Dogs Have Taught Me
Daily Routine
The day is divided into two important sections. Mealtime. And everything else.
I. Mealtime
1. Just because there does not seem to be anything visible around to eat
certainly does not mean there is nothing around to eat. The act of staring at
the underside of a table or chair on which someone else is eating sets in motion
a chain of events that eventually results in food.
2. It goes without saying that you should carefully check the lower third of any
space for edibles. Mouth-sized things which cannot be identified by sight or
smell are considered gum.
3. When you actually receive a meal, submerge your head into it as you would a
shower. Never, never look up again until a minimum of at least fifteen minutes
after the obvious food is gone. This is important. Just because your dish is
empty does not mean that it is time to stop eating.
4. Remember that all food is potentially yours up until the time that it is
actually swallowed by another. The lengthy path a piece of food will take from
a plate to a mouth via a hand is as good a time as any to stake your claim to
it.
5. When it comes to selecting an appropriate beverage, location and packaging
mean nothing. There are absolutely no exceptions to this rule.
6. If you really see something you want, and all your other attempts at getting
it have failed, it is only right to grovel shamelessly. As a second tactic,
stare intently at the object of your desire, allowing long gelatinous drools to
leak like icicles from your lower lip.
II. Everything Else
1. There are really only two important facial expressions to bother with:
complete and overwhelming joy and nothing at all.
2. Any time that is not meal time is potentially nap time. The best time to take
a nap is when you hear your name being called repeatedly. The best location for
a nap is dead center of any street or driveway. The most relaxing position is
on your side, all four limbs parallel.
3. The most practical way to get dry is to shake violently near a fully clothed
person. A second effective method is to stand on a light-colored piece of
furniture.
4. Personal Safety
A. At the first hint of any irregular noise, run from room to room yelling
loudly. If someone actually comes into the house, rush over to them whether
you know them or not. Then kiss them so violently that they lose their
balance or have to force you away physically.
B. The greatest unacknowledged threat to life as we have come to know it is
squirrels. No matter what you must do, make sure there are none in your yard.
5. Recreation and Leisure
A. Ball: There are two equally amusing sets of rules you will want to know.
a. The Common Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and return it.
b. The Preferred Form, in which you receive a thrown ball and eat it.
B. Car: As you know, any open car door is an invitation to get in. Once
inside, your only goal is to try to get out.
6. Health
A. In the event of a trip to the doctor, always be on your guard. If you are
vaccinated, urinate on the physician.
Since I have taken to sleeping under the bed, I have come to know tranquility I
never imagined possible. You never really know when it might be cookie time.
And that's what the dogs have taught me.
- Merrill Markoe, "Late Night with David Letterman: The Book"
-= dog =-= 4 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Steven Wright On Dogs
I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...
"Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me
and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on
them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge. Some
people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
I had a dog once. I spilled spot remover on him, and now he's gone.
-= dog =-= 5 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Outside of a dog, books are a man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark
to read. - Groucho Marx
-= dog =-= 6 =---------------------------------------------------------------
A dog is a dog except when he is facing you. Then he is Mr. Dog. - Haitian
Farmer
-= dog =-= 7 =---------------------------------------------------------------
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to
bite people themselves. - August Strindberg
-= dog =-= 8 =---------------------------------------------------------------
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
-= dog =-= 9 =---------------------------------------------------------------
When it all boils down to the essence of truth one must live by a dog's rule of
life: if you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it!
-= dog =-= 10 =---------------------------------------------------------------
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you.
This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. - Mark Twain
-= dog =-= 11 =---------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a poodle humping your leg and a pit bull humping
your leg?
You let the pit bull finish.
-= dog =-= 12 =---------------------------------------------------------------
What do you do when a pit bull terrier is humping your leg?
Fake an orgasm.
-= dog =-= 13 =---------------------------------------------------------------
What is meaner than a pit bull with AIDS?
Whatever gave it AIDS.
-= dog =-= 14 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the new breed in pet shops?
They crossed a pit bull with a collie; it bites your leg off and goes for help.
-= dog =-= 15 =---------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a rottweiler and a social worker?
It is easier to get your kids back from a rotweiler!
-= dog =-= 16 =---------------------------------------------------------------
What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pit bull.
-= dog =-= 17 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the cowboy who got himself a dachshund?
Everyone kept telling him to get a long, little doggie.
-= dog =-= 18 =---------------------------------------------------------------
What kind of dog tells time?
A watch dog.
-= dog =-= 19 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a tree like a dog?
Because they both lose their bark when they die.
-= dog =-= 20 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Where do dogs go when they lose their tails?
To the retail store.
-= dog =-= 21 =---------------------------------------------------------------
What did the veterinarian say to the dog who kept licking his balls?
Thank you.
-= dog =-= 22 =---------------------------------------------------------------
What do you do with a dog with no legs?
Take it out for a drag.
-= dog =-= 23 =---------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Nothing. He wont come when you call him, anyway.
-= dog =-= 24 =---------------------------------------------------------------
I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and
with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In
the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed
its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had
ended, I decided to go and speak to the man.
"That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I said. "That dog really seemed
to enjoy the film."
The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is. He hated the book."
-= dog =-= 25 =---------------------------------------------------------------
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with
his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly
believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."
"Aw, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out
of five."
-= dog =-= 26 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Wife: We've got such a clever dog. He brings in the daily newspapers every
morning.
Husband: Well, lots of dogs can do that.
Wife: But we've never subscribed to any papers.
Husband: What?!
-= dog =-= 27 =---------------------------------------------------------------
These two kids are sitting in a wagon pulled by their dog. A policeman
happens by and sees this, and comes over to talk to the kids. He says, "You
can't make your dog pull you in the wagon. That's cruelty to animals." Then he
looks a little closer at the dog and sees that it has a piece of string wrapped
around its balls, and that one of the kids is holding tightly to the other end.
"Hey, you can't tie string to your dog's testicles," he says. "That's not
humane."
One of the little kids leans over to his friend, "What are testicles??"
"Dunno. I think he's talking about the passing gear!"
-= dog =-= 28 =---------------------------------------------------------------
An old, arthritic, and exceptionally stupid dog was snoozing in the middle of
the road. Suddenly, a big street cleaning vehicle comes by and maims the dog,
tossing him to the side of the road. Some time later, a yuppie couple stop in
their BMW 535i and pull over to see how the dog is. "Good Lord," says the guy,
"Are you all right?" To which the dog replies, "No, I'm a flayed mutt."
-= dog =-= 29 =---------------------------------------------------------------
A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a department store.
The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and
starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head.
The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So,
he decides to find out what's going on. The store manager approaches the blind
man swinging the dog and says, "Pardon me. May I help you with something."
The blind man says, "No thanks. I'm just looking around."
-= dog =-= 30 =---------------------------------------------------------------
While waiting for a bus, the blind man's dog decided to lift up his leg and
piss all over the blind man's legs. A passerby commented to the blind man,
"Good God! That dog just pissed all over your legs and you are petting him?!
Are you crazy?"
To which the blind man replied, "Madam, I am not petting him, I am looking
for his ass so I can kick him."
-= dog =-= 31 =---------------------------------------------------------------
A Dog Named "Sex"
Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call mine Sex. Sex has
been embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his license, I told
the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex.
He said, "Me too."
Then I said, "But this is a dog."
He said he didn't care what she looked like.
Then I said, "But you don't understand. I have had Sex since I was nine
years old."
He said I must have been quite a kid.
When I got married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the
wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over.
I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves
around Sex."
He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us
in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The
next day, we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred
from the church from then on.
I went on my honeymoon; I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I
wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He replied that
every room in the place was for sex.
I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night."
The clerk said, "Me too."
One day, I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the
dog ran away and a contestant asked me why I was standing there looking around.
I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should
have sold my own tickets.
"But you don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV."
He called me a show-off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the
dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married."
The judge said, "Me too."
Then I told him that after I was separated, Sex left me.
He said, "Me too."
Last night, Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A
cop came over to me and asked me, "What are you doing in this alley at four
o'clock in the morning?"
I said, "I'm looking for Sex."
My case comes up on Friday.
-= dog =-= 32 =---------------------------------------------------------------
I got a dog for my daughter from the local animal shelter. Before we could take
the dog home, we had him neutered. So I called him "Tomorrow", because Tomorrow
never comes.
-= dog =-= 33 =---------------------------------------------------------------
A guy and his dog walk into a bar. The guy says, "I'll bet you a round of
drinks that my dog can talk."
Bartender says, "Yeah! Sure...go ahead."
Guy asks the dog, "What covers a house?"
Dog says, "Roof!"
Guy asks the dog, "How does sandpaper feel?"
Dog says, "Rough!"
Guy asks the dog, "Who was the greatest ball player of all time?"
Dog says, "Ruth!"
Guys tells the bartender, "Pay up. I told you he could talk."
Bartender throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog
looks at the guy and says, "Gehrig???"
-= dog =-= 34 =---------------------------------------------------------------
A German shepherd went to a Western Union office, took out a blank form and
wrote, "Woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof...woof."
The clerk examined the paper and told the dog, "There are only nine words
here," he said. "You could send another 'woof' for the same price."
"But," the dog replied, "that would be silly."
-= dog =-= 35 =---------------------------------------------------------------
This story was related by Pat Routledge of Winnepeg, Ontario, about an
unusual telephone service call he handled while living in England.
It is common practice in England to signal a telephone subscriber by
signaling with 90 volts across one side of the two wire circuit and ground
(earth in England). When the subscriber answers the phone, it switches to the
two wire circuit for the conversation. This method allows two parties on the
same line to be signalled without disturbing each other.
This particular subscriber, an elderly lady with several pets, called to say
that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few
occasions when it did manage to ring her dog always barked first. Torn between
curiosity to see this psychic dog and a realization that standard service
techniques might not suffice in this case, Pat proceeded to the scene. Climbing
a nearby telephone pole and hooking in his test set, he dialed the subscriber's
house. The phone didn't ring. He tried again. The dog barked loudly, followed
by a ringing telephone. Climbing down from the pole, Pat found:
a. Dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via an iron chain and
collar
b. Dog was receiving 90 volts of signalling current
c. After several jolts, the dog was urinating on ground and barking
d. Wet ground now conducted and phone rang.
-= dog =-= 36 =---------------------------------------------------------------
A three-legged dog walks into a bar, carrying a shotgun. He walks up to the
bar and says, "Whisky."
Bartender looks at the three-legged dog and says, "Sure, but what's with the
shotgun?"
The three-legged dog replies, "I'm lookin' fer the guy who shot my pa'."
-= dog =-= 37 =---------------------------------------------------------------
According to the January issue of Smithsonian magazine, a Beatrice, Nebraska,
man left his pet bulldog in the car for a few minutes at a gas station. When
the man tried to get back in, he found that the dog, perhaps peeved over some
slight, had locked all the doors.
-= dog =-= 38 =---------------------------------------------------------------
May 19, 1991
Dogged Approach To What's Important
In a two-day period in New York City recently, a homeless man, a train
maintenance worker, and a dog were killed on the subway tracks. Ninety people
telephoned the Transit Authority to express concern about the dog, but only
three called about the worker, and no one about the homeless man.
-= dog =-= 39 =---------------------------------------------------------------
All trees have bark.
All dogs bark.
Therefore, all dogs are trees.
The fallacy of barking up the wrong tree.
-= dog =-= 40 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Drug Sniffing Dogs Star On Cards
By Philip J. LaVelle
Copley News Service
San Diego There's a new breed of San Diego All-Stars on the national
trading-card scene, and we're not talking Benito Santiago in fact, we're talking
about a bunch of dogs.
Real ones.
With names like Snag, Sinbad and Simon, these furry quadrupeds are the
first-stringers in the U.S. Customs Service's war on drugs. From San Diego to
Miami, these sharp-nosed pooches have sniffed out a combined $12 billion in
hidden narcotics booty.
And starting this month, their smiling dog faces began showing up nationwide
on trading cards stuffed into Milk-Bone Dog Biscuit boxes. It's all part of a
cooperative venture between the doggie treat maker and the Customs Service.
"We figure it's great exposure for both Milk-Bone and for the U.S. Customs
drug dogs," said Ann Smith, spokeswoman for Nabisco Foods Group, parent of
Milk-Bone.
"This is something Nabisco feels strongly about. They believe in the message
that they give to the children," Smith said from corporate headquarters in
Parsippany, N.J.
The message: a simple Just Say No-style moral, is delivered in a kind of
Lassie vs. the Cartel Lords plot.
The front of the cards features a photo of the happy-faced, furry cops.
On the back: The dog's seizure stats, a number kids can call to snare
suspected smugglers (800-BE-ALERT), and the exhortation to "Stop Drug
Smuggling!"
Customs began using about a half-dozen dogs in the early 1970s. Now there are
more than 300 dogs in the service many of them rescued from the pound.
"We pull 'em off of Death Row and give them a shot," Customs Service
spokesman Steve Duchesne said from Washington, D.C. "Many of these are dogs
that people don't want any more. However, they're basically intelligent animals
that have incredibly keen senses."
Duchesne said the dogs go through a 12-week training program. The graduates
are "highly trained, effective officers," he said. Those that flunk are put into
private homes, and not returned to the pound.
Of 24 dogs featured nationally, seven are from the San Diego County-Imperial
County region.
Snag, a 4-year-old Labrador retriever based in San Diego, wagged his tail
into history on Oct. 4, 1990, when he sniffed out 8,705 pounds of Colombian
cocaine hidden in a propane gas tanker stopped at the Otay Mesa border crossing.
That load worth nearly $784 million was the largest border seizure in U.S.
history.
Other San Diego star dogs include Sinbad (Labrador retriever mix, $38.9
million in career seizures); Blow (Labrador mix, $17.3 million); Simon (golden
retriever, $82.5 million); Tia (Labrador, $48.1 million); Tom (Labrador, $40.3
million); and Benny (golden retriever, $20 million).
The trading card program began 18 months ago in Dallas, where Customs dog
trainers took their charges on the road to local schools for "demonstration"
visits. The visits ended with trainers handing out doggie trading cards to
students.
Demand for the cards soon outstripped supply.
Rather than end up in the doghouse of defeat, the feds began looking for
corporate sponsors for their trading cards, and found a partner in Milk-Bone.
Duchesne said Milk-Bone was the only dog food manufacturer to take up the
service's call for help.
-= dog =-= 41 =---------------------------------------------------------------
The following appeared recently in the Globe & Mail.
Forget about Dog Bites Man. Relegate Man Bites Dog to the back pages. Today,
we are dealing with Fish swallows dog, an item which reaches us by way of
Moscow.
The dog was swimming across the Pechora River to join its master when it
vanished, leaving only a ripple. The dog's master, who was fishing at the time,
hauled in his net and found it contained a giant pike. He looked closely at its
mouth and said to himself (probably) "Thereby hangs a tail."
Yes, it was Fido (or the Russian equivalent). The dog struggled out after
the fish was cut open, and, according to Radio Moscow, hurled itself at the
pike, "barking excitedly."
It is often difficult for fishermen to tell stories about the one that got
away. In this case, Radio Moscow notwithstanding, will it be any easier to
tell about the one that didn't?
-= dog =-= 42 =---------------------------------------------------------------
A woman is out looking for a pet, and so she's trying the local pet shops.
She walks into a small pet shop and explains her need to the attendant. He
thinks for a moment and then says, "I've got just the thing for you madam. I'll
just get him."
With that, he disappears into the back of the shop, and returns a few seconds
later with a cute little puppy. "This dog is a special dog," he tells her. "It
is able to fly," he explains, and with that throws the dog into the air. It
immediately begins to float gracefully around the shop.
"There is one problem with him, however. Whenever you say 'my apple', he'll
eat whatever you've mentioned." The lady watches in astonishment as the dog
zooms over to the shop attendant and furiously devours an apple he has produced
from his pocket.
"He's cute, and so unusual. I'll take him," she says, and a few minutes
later she is on her way back home with dog to show her husband.
"Darling, look what a clever pet I bought today!" she exclaims when she gets
back home. "He can fly!"
The husband peers at the dog, and then remarks, "Fly eh? My foot!"
-= dog =-= 43 =---------------------------------------------------------------
"What is it, Lassie? A boy fell down a mine shaft and broke his ankle and is
diabetic and needs insulin? Is THAT what you're trying to tell me?"
-= dog =-= 44 =---------------------------------------------------------------
A father gave his teenage daughter an untrained pedigreed pup for her birthday.
An hour later, when wandered through the house, he found her looking at a puddle
in the center of the kitchen. "My pup," she murmured sadly, "runneth over."
-= dog =-= 45 =---------------------------------------------------------------
I turned on my lawn sprinkler as my dog was crossing the yard. He thought it
was the hydrant getting even with him.
-= dog =-= 46 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Smith Pet Care Ltd.
19 Clerkenwell Road
London E17
01-960 4770
Dear Pet Owner
As an animal lover, I am sure that you are opposed to vivsection and the
unnecessary cruelty that goes with it. Yet every year, thousands of dog owners
like yourself have their beloved pets surgically neutered.
Until now there has been no alternative.
Until now there has been no Puppi-Stop(tm).
Extensively field tested in the U.S.A., new forms of contraception for dogs are
now available for the first time in Britain.
Puppi-Stop(tm) offers three different, safe and reliable methods for maximum
flexibility and protection:
Puppi-Stop(tm) Sheaths - Easy to apply, these condoms come in a variety of
colours and six different packs, from Chichuahua to Great Dane (six or twelve
packs).
Puppi-Stop(tm) Diaphragm - Comes with full instructions for fitting, applicator
and spermicide jelly. Available in three sizes; washable, hard wearing.
Puppi-Stop(tm) Pill - Low oestrogen pills, to be crushed and added to regular
dog food. Total protection 24 hours a day.
These safe and humane products are now available today from all leading chemists
and pet shops. Ask for them today and receive a 10% discount on presentation of
this leaflet.
A free booklet on all Puppi-Stop(tm) products, including a totally new pregnancy
testing device, the Puppi-Stop(tm) 'Predict-A-Puppi' is available from the same
outlets.
Be your dog's very best friend with...PUPPI-STOP(tm) - The humane way!
J.Rutger
Sales Manager
-= dog =-= 47 =---------------------------------------------------------------
A young boy and his mother were walking down the road. She says to him, "Look
Jim, that's a puddle of H2O." The boy replies, "No mummy, that's a puddle of
K9P!"
-= dog =-= 48 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Ten Ways To Deal With A Savage Rottweiler
1. Show it who's master.
As soon as a rottweiler looks as if it is about to attack you, immediately don a
mortar board and black cape, stand by a blackboard and begin giving it a lesson
in Social Studies. It will thus realise that you are its master and will
immediately become an attentive pupil. Make it write out a hundred times "I
must not lick my bollocks in class."
2. Roll it a large joint.
If a Rottweiler is adopting an unpleasantly hostile attitude, skin up a reefer
the size of a turnip and offer it a toke. The dog's expression will transform
into a huge grin, its eyes will glaze over and it will giggle uncontrollably at
anything you may say, like "Let go of my leg you bastard!"
3. Lie down in front of the dog in non-violent protest against its use of
aggression to dominate, subjugate, and intimidate you.
Er, perhaps this isn't such a good idea after all.
4. Wave a stopwatch in front of its eyes and convince it that it is feeling
sleepy.
Hypnosis is an effective form of influencing behavior. When the dog is under
your power, suggest to it that it become something less aggressive and violent -
such as a thermonuclear device. Also, try regressing it to see what previous
lives it may have had. One particularly vicious rottweiler has confessed under
hypnosis to having been Vlad the Impaler, Pot Pol and Norman Tebbit in its
previous existences.
5. Show it a picture of Anne Diamond.
Very effective this. You'll find it will turn on its heels and flee, whining
loudly with its tail between its legs.
6. Pretend you are Saint Francis of Assisi.
Quickly change into a monk's habit, shave the crown of your head and hum a few
bars in Italian of "If I could talk to the animals" from Dr Dolittle. The
rottweiler will immediately assume that you are a twelfth century saint and
begin to frolic around you in joyful celebration of the plenitude of God's
creation.
7. Convince it that you are a hazelnut yoghurt.
Or a softly boiled egg, or a glass of Cornish tap water, and that any attempt to
have a quick taste of any part of you will result in either immediate death, or
a bad dose of the shits, or permanent hair loss.
8. Try to distract its attention.
Throw it a young child to chew, or point out another bystander who looks more
appetising than yourself.
9. Prepare a selection of vegetarian dishes.
Convince it of the ideological objections to eating meat, especially humans, and
show it a number of tasty, wholesome vegetarian alternatives.
10. Take a shotgun and blow the bastard's brains out.
A quick, satisfying, though slightly messy method of calming the rottweiler.
Also has long term side-effects such as extreme sluggishness, lack of appetite
and a tendency to decompose in unsightly fashion.
Taken from "The Truth" (August/September Issue)
-= dog =-= 49 =---------------------------------------------------------------
"Dumb" Dalmation Shows How Smart He Is.
Newport, S.C. (AP) - A boy says he and his kitten were saved from a fire by
a family pet not noted for his brains. Dirk Tanis, 15, said he fell asleep
Saturday after starting to cook and awoke to the family Dalmatian, Spuds, biting
his hand. Flames were touching the kitchen ceiling, the microwave was melting,
and smoke filled the house.
Dirk ran from the house and called 911. Meanwhile, he said, Spuds grabbed
Gizmo, a 5-month old kitten, by the scruff of the neck and took her out of the
house.
"We always talk about how dumb he (Spuds) is," said Tanis' mother, Gay. "We
didn't think he would have the presence of mind to do something like that."
-= dog =-= 50 =---------------------------------------------------------------
I heard this at a folk festival in Orkney this summer. Try to read it in a
Scots accent - that's the way it was spoken.
A butcher is leaning on the counter towards the close of day when a wee dog
wi' a basket in its jaws comes pushin' through the door. "An' wot's this
then?" he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins.
"You li'tle bugger." As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and
a tenner in the basket. [A tenner is ten pounds sterling - about Cdn$20]
The scribble on the note asks for 3 pounds of his best mince [ground beef].
The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the
dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day. The dog grrrrrrrs at him. The
butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the
fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his
thumb. "Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who'll know?" Again, the dog growls menacingly.
"Alright, alright," as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out,
drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a fiver. The dog threatens to
chew him off at the ankles. Another fiver goes in the basket.
The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home. The
dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the
lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the
corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, the dog's
owner screams abuse at the dog and then tries to kick the dog inside. "Hey,
what are you doing? That's a really smart dog you've got there." "Stoopid dog -
that's the third time this week he's forgotten his key.
-= dog =-= 51 =---------------------------------------------------------------
The life sentence of Taro the dog was commuted in February 1994, permitting his
release from the Bergen County Jail and his deportation from New Jersey. Taro
had been sentenced to die under the state's "vicious dog" law, but appeals had
continued until Taro had spent more than 1,000 days behind bars in his climate-
controlled kennel and had cost taxpayers more than $100,000 in expenses.
-= dog =-= 52 =---------------------------------------------------------------
All dogs will eat cat excretions due to its Vitamin D content.
-= dog =-= 53 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Some veterinarians are prescribing Prozac for dogs. Animal rights activists are
thrilled. Things have finally come full circle. Finally, a drug for animals
that has been tested on humans first.
-= dog =-= 54 =---------------------------------------------------------------
The "Chicago Tribune" reported in June 1994 on a local sex therapist, Robert
Herd, who works exclusively helping animals to mate. He says a surprising number
of dogs and horses exhibit sexual dysfunction.
-= dog =-= 55 =---------------------------------------------------------------
See the movie "Pricilla, Queen of the Desert" if you find transvestites funny.
Favorite line from the film:
We call the dog Herpes; if you're lucky, it heals.
-= dog =-= 56 =---------------------------------------------------------------
We call our dog Egypt; because in every room, he leaves a pyramid.
-= dog =-= 57 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how
dogs spend their lives.
-= dog =-= 58 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Heard on CJAD on George Balcan's Bad Joke Friday:
A talent scout is walking down the street and comes across a man and his dog.
The little dog is singing. He has a lovely voice and the talent scout says,
"Come to my office. I want to sign you and this marvelous dog to a contract.
This dog can make us both rich."
The man brings his little dog to the talent scouts office. The little dog is
just about to finish singing "La Donna E' Mobile" (and sounding like Luciano
Pavarotti), when a large dog runs into the room and grabs him by the scruff of
the neck. She (it's a bitch) runs away with him in her mouth.
The talent scout yells, "Stop her. She's taking away our fortune!"
The man replies, sadly, "It's no use. That's his mother. She doesn't want
him to be an entertainer. She wants him to be a doctor."
-= dog =-= 59 =---------------------------------------------------------------
In a June 1994 'Wall Street Journal', there was a report of a British executive
Jim Rose, the manager of a new line of pet food for Britain's Safeway Stores
PLC. Although Safeway Stores uses a "test panel" of 2,000 dogs and cats, Rose
nonetheless tastes every single product under development, as well as
competitors' products, leading his wife to refer to him affectionately as "dog
breath". A spokesman for rival Ralston Purina said, "We don't use humans to
test pet foods."
-= dog =-= 60 =---------------------------------------------------------------
I was just purusing the new Sunnyvale Parks & Recreation catalog of activities,
and in among the dozens of offerings were the following two, literally one above
the other on the same page:
Dog Obedience
Vietnamese Cooking
Yep, that'd probably get old Fido to toe the line pretty well!
-= dog =-= 61 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Reuters News Service - Michael Brammer is an artist with a new exhibit in
Copenhagen. The centerpiece of his show is a group of stuffed Labrador puppies.
After the "artwork" caused an uproar, he explained the dogs were killed and
stuffed to bring attention to the many animals that are mistreated in Europe.
-= dog =-= 62 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Fellow walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that
rottweiler outside?"
"Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?"
"Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..."
"What the hell you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How
could your little runt kill my rottweiler?"
"Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"
-= dog =-= 63 =---------------------------------------------------------------
From Late Show with David Letterman; Tuesday, February 14, 1995
Top Ten Weird Looking Dogs
10. Obsessed with Wilford Brimley (Scotch terrier with whiskers)
9. Minoxydil in his Alpo (long-haired sheepdog)
8. Picks up free HBO (Boston terrier with big ears)
7. Gooned on malt liquor (big, droopy-faced dog)
6. Previously owned by Lyle Lovett (pompadoured poodle)
5. Grand champion: Static Cling division (very fluffy chow)
4. Needs a flea collar (bearded man)
3. On loan from a car wash (black dog with dreadlocks)
2. The third Menendez brother (worried-looking dog in cage)
1. Ed Sullivan Theater rat (tiny black terrier)
[Music: "Do the Dog" by Rufus Thomas]
================================================================================
== ELEPHANT ====================================================================
-= elephant =-= 1 =----------------------------------------------------------
It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to
challenge the Ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well with the
Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained possession.
The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants' goal when
the Elephants' left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on the
little ant, killing him instantly.
The referee stopped the game. "What the hell do you think you're doing? Do
you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?"
The elephant replied, "Well, I didn't mean to kill him; I was just trying to
trip him up."
-= elephant =-= 2 =----------------------------------------------------------
There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant; I don't know why.
Alas, he couldn't afford to feed it. He'd never seen an elephant jump with all
4 feet off the ground. So he started a contest: entry was $10, and the first
person to get the elephant to jump with all 4 feet off the ground would get
$50,000. All sorts of people tried, but nobody could get the elephant to jump.
Finally, this little guy arrives in a limousine. He's carrying a baseball
bat. He walks up to the elephant, swings the bat, and crunches the elephant's
balls pretty badly. Needless to say, the elephant jumps, and the owner pays out
the $50,000.
Unfortunately, the owner had barely collected enough to cover the prize, so
he ran another contest. He'd never seen an elephant swing its head back and
forth as if to say, "no." Same deal as before: $10 per entry, $50,000 prize.
Lots of people try and fail.
Then the little guy shows up in his limousine again, pulls out his bat, and
walks up to the elephant. He says, "Remember me?" The elephant nods yes. The
man says holds up his bat and says, "Want me to use this again?" The elephant
nods his head rather emphatically no...
-= elephant =-= 3 =----------------------------------------------------------
Used to be a man who owned a bar out in the middle of nowhere. Not too many
people came to the bar, so he was trying to think of a good gimmick to get
people to come. It so happened he was watching T.V. at the time and the parade
for the circus was on. As the elephants went by he remembered reading somewhere
that elephants don't laugh. He went down to the circus and inquired about buying
an elephant. It just so happen that there was an elderly elephant bull that the
circus was planning to retire. After agreeing on a price, the man bought the
elephant.
Back at the bar the man put a large jar on the bar with a sign reading: "Make
the elephant laugh, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000." Well, a lot of people thought
they could make the elephant laugh, and soon the jar was almost full.
Then one night a man walked in and said to the bar owner, "I hear you will
give any one who can make the elephant laugh $5,000."
"Yeah, he's out back."
After about five minutes, tremendous, deep, thundering laughter could be
heard coming from behind the bar. Everyone in the bar raced back to see what
was going on. When they got there, the elephant was laughing!!! The man could
not believe his eyes. But, a bet was a bet after all and he paid the stranger
who had made the elephant laugh.
A few weeks later and the elephant was still laughing. The bar owner could
not stand it any more so he put a sign on the bar reading: "Make the elephant
cry, $5.00 a shot, win $5,000." Again, a lot of people tried and tried, but
they could not get the elephant to stop laughing. Finally, the man who had
gotten the elephant to laugh in the first place walked in. Upon seeing the
sign, he inquired if anybody had had any luck in stopping the elephant from
laughing. Seeing as no one had, he once more went back behind the bar to see
the elephant. In less than a minute, a wail of grief cascaded over the bar. All
the patrons ran out to see what was up. The elephant had huge tears running
down its cheeks. Once again, a bet was a bet and the bar owner paid the man.
Before the man could leave, the bar owner asked how he had gotten the
elephant to laugh and then to cry. "Easy." said the man, "When I first went
back there I told him my dick was bigger than his. And now I just proved it."
-= elephant =-= 4 =----------------------------------------------------------
A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this particular
procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the man's penis.
Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant.
After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt around the table,
grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth.
The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?"
Suddenly, the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as quickly
disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, "I don't
believe I saw what I think I just saw...can you do that again?"
With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd like to,
but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"
-= elephant =-= 5 =----------------------------------------------------------
An elephant is walking through the jungle when she gets a thorn in her foot.
She is in absolute agony until an ant strolls by. So the elephant says, "Help
me, help me."
But the ant refuses unless the elephants agrees to let the ant have his
wicked way with her. Replies the elephant, "Anything! Anything!"
So, out comes the thorn and up gets the ant and proceeds to enjoy himself.
Meanwhile, in a tree directly above them, a monkey, who witnessed the whole
episode, was in knots of laughter. Consequently, he fell out of the tree on top
of the elephant.
Says the elephant, "Ouch!"
Says the ant, in his own little frenzy, "Suffer bitch, suffer!!!"
-= elephant =-= 6 =----------------------------------------------------------
One afternoon, there was this good witch who was flying along, when all of a
sudden, she heard this soft crying from down below. When she landed, she say
this yellow frog. Touched by his sadness, the witch asked why he was crying.
"Sniff. None of the other frogs will let me join in all their frog games.
Boo hoo."
"Don't cry, little one," replied the witch, and with a wave of her magic
wand, the frog turned green. All happy now, the frog was checking himself over
when he noticed that his penis was still yellow. He asked an embarrassed witch
about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't
do, but if he saw the wizard, he'd fix things up for him. So happily, the little
green frog hippity-hopped along his merry way. Feeling quick happy about
herself, the witch once more took to the skies, and once again, she heard some
crying, but this time of a thunderous sort. So down to the ground she flew only
to discover a pink elephant. The witch asked him why he was crying.
"Sniff. None of the other elephants will let me join in all their elephant
games. Boo hoo."
Now if you have ever seen an elephant cry, you know it to be a pathetic
looking sight, but a pink elephant crying is just downright heart-breaking, and
that is just how the witch felt. So once again, she waved her magic wand, and
*poof*, the elephant was all grey. All happy now, the elephant was checking
himself all over when he noticed that his penis was still pink. He asked an
embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that
she just couldn't do, but if saw the wizard, he would fix things up for him.
At this point, the elephant just started wailing. "I don't know where the
wizard is," he sobbed. "Oh that's easy. Just follow the yellow pricked toad,"
said the good witch.
-= elephant =-= 7 =----------------------------------------------------------
From Earthweek column by Steve Newman in "The Atlanta Journal" Dec 21.
An Indian Army camp in the eastern state of West Bengal is plagued by a herd of
elephants that regularly breaks in and guzzles the rum supply in the main
warehouse. New Delhi's "Statesman" reported that electric fences, bonfires and
railings have been no match for the invaders. The wily animals have learned to
hose out the bonfires, and to demolish electrified fences by smashing them with
wooden logs grasped in their trunks. Once inside the camp, they break open the
bottles of rum, then stagger away once they have had their fill. Forest
Department sources say the herd originally strayed into the region from Bhutan
in search of food, but instead developed a taste for Army rum.
-= elephant =-= 8 =----------------------------------------------------------
Pachydermic Personnel Prediction
A bold new proposal for matching high technology people and professions
Over the years, the problem of finding the right person for the right job has
consumed thousands of worker-years of research and millions of dollars in
funding. This is particularly true for high technology organizations where
talent is scarce and expensive. Recently, however, years of detailed study by
the finest minds in the field of psychoindustrial interpersonnel optimization
have resulted in the development of a simple and foolproof test to determine the
best match between personality and profession. Now, at last, people can be
infallibly assigned to the jobs for which they are truly best suited. The
procedure is simple: Each subject is sent to Africa to hunt elephants. The
subsequent elephant-hunting behavior is then categorized by comparison to the
classification rules outlined below. The subject should be assigned to the
general job classification that best matches the observed behavior.
Classification Guidelines
Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that
is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left. Experienced
mathematicians will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique
elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise. Professors of
mathematics will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then
leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their
graduate students.
Computer scientists hunt elephants by exercising Algorithm A:
1. Go to Africa.
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately
east and west.
4. During each traverse pass,
a. Catch each animal seen.
b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
c. Stop when a match is detected.
Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant
in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate. Assembly language
programmers prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.
Engineers hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random,
and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any
previously observed elephant.
Economists don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if elephants are paid
enough, they will hunt themselves.
Statisticians hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant.
Consultants don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted anything at all,
but they can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do. Operations
research consultants can also measure the correlation of hat size and bullet
color to the efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will
only identify the elephants.
Politicians don't hunt elephants, but they will share the elephants you catch
with the people who voted for them.
Lawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around arguing about
who owns the droppings. Software lawyers will claim that they own an entire
herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.
Vice presidents of engineering, research, and development try hard to hunt
elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent it. When the vice president
does get to hunt elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible
elephants are completely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the
vice president does see a non-prehunted elephant, the staff will (1) compliment
the vice president's keen eyesight and (2) enlarge itself to prevent any
recurrence.
Senior managers set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the assumption that
elephants are just like field mice, but with deeper voices. Quality assurance
inspectors ignore the elephants and look for mistakes the other hunters made
when they were packing the jeep.
Salespeople don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling elephants they
haven't caught, for delivery two days before the season opens. Software sales
people ship the first thing they catch and write up an invoice for an elephant.
Hardware sales people catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as desktop
elephants.
Validation
A validation survey was conducted about these rules. Almost all the people
surveyed about these rules were valid. A few were invalid, but they expected to
recover soon. Based on the survey, a statistical confidence level was
determined. Ninety-five percent of the people surveyed have at least 67 percent
confidence in statistics.
-= elephant =-= 9 =----------------------------------------------------------
Three scientists were one day discussing what would happen if they rammed a
cork up an elephant's backside and force fed it for two weeks. But because the
experiment had never been documented and the idea was hard to comprehend, they
decided to have a go.
A week after the experiment had started, they began to realize why the idea
had never been tried; they were stuck for someone to pull the cork out. One of
the scientists came up with the bright idea of training a monkey to do the job,
so they spent the next week training it to pull out corks once a buzzer had
rung, then push it back in for another go.
The big day arrived, they set up all the monitoring equipment and set out to
a safe distance. The first scientist went 1 mile away, the second went 2 miles
away, and the third went 3 miles. When they were all ready, the first scientist
pushed the button to sound the buzzer.
Baannngg!!! The third scientist (3 miles away) was up to his ankles in shit,
the second (2 miles away) was up to his knees, and the first (1 mile away) was
up to his waist.
When the others joined the scientist who was 1 mile away, they noticed that
he was in fits of laughter. "What the %$*& is so funny?" asked one of the
scientist.
"You should have seen the monkey's face trying to get the cork back in!!!"
-= elephant =-= 10 =----------------------------------------------------------
This joke involves an elephant who is walking through the jungle. And all of
a sudden, he falls into a pit and is stuck there. The elephant is stuck in this
pit and realizes that he is going to die, so naturally he start to scream. By
chance, a chicken hears the screaming of the elephant and decides to
investigate.
He sees the elephant stuck in the pit and shouts to the elephant: "Don't
worry, I am going to save you."
The chicken then calls on the King of the Jungle. The King of the Jungle
promptly arrives in his *Red Porsche*. He throws a rope from the Porsche into
the pit, the elephant ties it around himself and the King of the Jungle pulls
him out of the pit. The elephant is saved (loud applause). So grateful is the
elephant to the chicken that he promises him that he will one day do the same
for him (if the chicken should ever be in mortal danger).
As chance would have it, the next week the elephant is walking through the
jungle and hears the screaming of a chicken. He wanders over and sees that his
friend the chicken is stuck in a pit. (ohh, gosh) The elephant shouts, "Don't
worry chicken I will save you."
So the elephant throws his tail into the pit. However this tail is too small
and the chicken cannot reach it. Undeterred by this, the elephant throws in his
trunk, but, alas, this also is too small. As a last desperate effort, the
elephant throws in his his penis. Success! The chicken grabs the elephants
enormous penis and climbs out to safety.
Moral of the story: "If you have a big dick you don't need a red Porsche to
pull a chick."
-= elephant =-= 11 =----------------------------------------------------------
Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and
are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house.
The boy looks at the elephant, sees its penis, points to it and says, "Mummy,
what is that long thing?"
His mother replies, "That son, is the elephant's trunk."
"No, at the other end."
"That son, is the tail."
"No, mummy, the thing under the elephant."
A short embarrassed silenced after which she replies, "That's nothing."
The mother goes to buy some ice cream and the boy, not being satisfied with
her answer asks his father the same question. "Daddy, what is that long thing?"
"That's the trunk, son" replies the father.
"No, at the other end."
"Oh, that is the tail."
"No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation.
"That is the elephant's penis. Why do you ask son?"
"Well mummy said it was nothing," says the boy.
Replies the father: "I tell you, I spoil that woman..."
-= elephant =-= 12 =----------------------------------------------------------
Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:
The French book - The Sex Life of the Elephant or: 1000 ways to cook Elephant
The English book - Elephants I have shot on Safari
The Welsh book - The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and
culture or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll
nhadau coeden.
The American book - How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants
The Japanese book - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants
The Greek book - How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money
The Finnish book - What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People
The German book - A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-6.
The Icelandic book - Defrosting an Elephant
The Swiss book - Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went With
His Elephants
The Canadian book - Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?
The Swedish book - How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.
-= elephant =-= 13 =----------------------------------------------------------
Hickory Dickory Dock
An elephant ran up the clock
The clock is being repaired
-= elephant =-= 14 =----------------------------------------------------------
A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of
marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
-= elephant =-= 15 =----------------------------------------------------------
What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?
Sir.
-= elephant =-= 16 =----------------------------------------------------------
What do you call an elephant wearing pink earmuffs and a dress?
Anything you want, it can't hear you.
-= elephant =-= 17 =----------------------------------------------------------
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don't, you get down from a duck.
-= elephant =-= 18 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why are elephants wrinkled?
Have you ever tried to iron one?
-= elephant =-= 19 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why are elephants large grey and wrinkled?
Because if they were small, white, and smooth, they would be aspirin.
-= elephant =-= 20 =----------------------------------------------------------
If you're colorblind, how do you tell a grape from an elephant?
Stomp on it awhile. If you don't get any wine, it's an elephant.
-= elephant =-= 21 =----------------------------------------------------------
What's grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow, grey, yellow,
grey, yellow?
An elephant rolling down a hill with a daisy in its mouth!
-= elephant =-= 22 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why did the elephant stand on the marshmallow?
So she wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.
-= elephant =-= 23 =----------------------------------------------------------
What is grey and white on the inside and red on the outside?
An inside out elephant.
-= elephant =-= 24 =----------------------------------------------------------
What is grey and white on the inside and red and white on the outside?
Campbell's Cream of Elephant soup.
-= elephant =-= 25 =----------------------------------------------------------
What is grey and not there.
No elephants.
-= elephant =-= 26 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why are elephants gray?
So you can tell them from canaries.
or
So you can tell them from blueberries.
-= elephant =-= 27 =----------------------------------------------------------
Do you know why elephants paints their toenails red?
No, why?
So that noone will se them sitting in the cherry trees.
But I've never seen an elephant in a cherry tree!
Precisely!
-= elephant =-= 28 =----------------------------------------------------------
How does an elephant hide in the jungle?
He paints his nuts red and sits in a cherry tree.
-= elephant =-= 29 =----------------------------------------------------------
What is the loudest noise in the jungle?
A giraffe eating cherries.
-= elephant =-= 30 =----------------------------------------------------------
There was an elephant by a watering hole having a drink when he saw a turtle out
of the corner of his eye. On seeing the turtle, he ran down to the water's
edge, jumped up into the air, and landed on the turtle causing a horrible mess.
There was a giraffe nearby and he happened to notice what had occurred so he
asked the elephant why he had done it. The elephant replied that the turtle he
had just squashed had bitten him on the trunk 50 years earlier. On hearing this,
he told the elephant that he had an incredible memory. The elephant replied,
"Yes, turtle recall!!!"
-= elephant =-= 31 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why do elephants paint their nuts red?
So they can hide in cherry trees.
Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree?
No? See, it works!!!
-= elephant =-= 32 =----------------------------------------------------------
How did Tarzan die?
Picking cherries.
-= elephant =-= 33 =----------------------------------------------------------
What's the fastest thing in the jungle?
A monkey carrying a bunch of cherries.
-= elephant =-= 34 =----------------------------------------------------------
How do you get an elephant to sit on a cherry tree?
Plant a seed and let the elephant stand on it.
-= elephant =-= 35 =----------------------------------------------------------
How does an elephant get down from a cherry tree?
It doesn't, it gets down from a duck.
-= elephant =-= 36 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why did the elephant wear yellow tennis shoes?
So he wouldn't be seen in a lemon tree.
-= elephant =-= 37 =----------------------------------------------------------
How do you get an elephant out of a tree?
Stand it on a leaf and wait 'till autumn (or wait for parachute practice.)
-= elephant =-= 38 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
So they can jump up in trees and rape monkeys.
What sound do monkeys hate most?
Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...Booooiiiiiinnnngggg...
-= elephant =-= 39 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why did the elephant fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Why did the second elephant fall out of the tree?
It was glued to the first one.
Why did the third elephant fall out of the tree?
It thought it was a game.
And why did the tree fall down?
It thought it was an elephant.
-= elephant =-= 40 =----------------------------------------------------------
What's the biggest drawback of the jungle?
An elephant's foreskin.
-= elephant =-= 41 =----------------------------------------------------------
Heard of the wallet made of elephant foreskin?
When you rub it, it turns into a briefcase.
-= elephant =-= 42 =----------------------------------------------------------
How many legs does an elephant have?
Four, two in the front, two in the back.
-= elephant =-= 43 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why did the elephant cross the road?
Chicken's day off.
-= elephant =-= 44 =----------------------------------------------------------
What was the elephant doing on the motorway?
About 5 m.p.h.
-= elephant =-= 45 =----------------------------------------------------------
How do you know if you pass an elephant?
You can't get the toilet seat down.
-= elephant =-= 46 =----------------------------------------------------------
What do you call two elephants on a bicycle?
Optimistic!
-= elephant =-= 47 =----------------------------------------------------------
What do you get if you take an elephant into the city?
Free Parking.
-= elephant =-= 48 =----------------------------------------------------------
What do you get if you take an elephant into work?
Sole use of the elevator.
-= elephant =-= 49 =----------------------------------------------------------
What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
You walk him and pitch to the zebra!
-= elephant =-= 50 =----------------------------------------------------------
How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?
It's bike is outside.
-= elephant =-= 51 =----------------------------------------------------------
How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?
There is a dent in the cross-bar.
-= elephant =-= 52 =----------------------------------------------------------
How do you know if there are three elephants in the pub?
Stand on the bike and have a look in the window.
-= elephant =-= 53 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why do elephants wear tiny green hats?
To sneak across a pool table without being seen.
-= elephant =-= 54 =----------------------------------------------------------
How many elephants does it take to change a light bulb?
Don't be stupid, elephants can't change light bulbs.
-= elephant =-= 55 =----------------------------------------------------------
What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale?
A submarine with a built-in snorkel.
-= elephant =-= 56 =----------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
Bloody great holes all over Australia.
-= elephant =-= 57 =----------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
Elephino.
-= elephant =-= 58 =----------------------------------------------------------
How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
Your nose is touching the ceiling.
-= elephant =-= 59 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why do elephants wear sandals?
So that they don't sink in the sand.
Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.
-= elephant =-= 60 =----------------------------------------------------------
How do you get 1,000 elephants into a shopping cart at Safeway.
To get the answer, you'd better get the 'S' out of Safe and the 'F' out of the
way.
-= elephant =-= 61 =----------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between an elephant and a blueberries?
They're both blue, except for the elephant.
-= elephant =-= 62 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why do ducks have flat feet?
To stamp out forest fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out flaming ducks.
-= elephant =-= 63 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why shouldn't you go into the woods at 5 o'clock?
Because that is when the elephants practice their parachute jumping.
-= elephant =-= 64 =----------------------------------------------------------
What is a furry alligator?
A bear that went into the woods at 5 o'clock.
-= elephant =-= 65 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.
Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?
No?
Well, it must work.
-= elephant =-= 66 =----------------------------------------------------------
How do you know if there's an elephant in bed with you?
She has a big 'E' on her pajama jacket pocket.
-= elephant =-= 67 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why won't they allow elephants in public swimming pools?
Because they might let down their trunks.
-= elephant =-= 68 =----------------------------------------------------------
How does an elephant put his trunk into a crocodile's mouth?
Very carefully...
-= elephant =-= 69 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why do elephants have trunks?
Where else would they pack their luggage?
-= elephant =-= 70 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why do elephants have trunks?
Because they would look silly with glove compartments.
-= elephant =-= 71 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why should you never drive a Volkswagen in Africa?
Because elephants will mount anything with a trunk in the front.
-= elephant =-= 72 =----------------------------------------------------------
What's six feet long and hangs from trees in Africa?
Elephant snot.
-= elephant =-= 73 =----------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when an elephant has been screwing in your yard?
The flower beds are crushed and you are missing a garbage bag!
-= elephant =-= 74 =----------------------------------------------------------
What did the elephant say when he saw a dead ant on the road?
Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!! (to be sung).
What did he say when he saw a live ant on the road?
He stamped it to death and then said, "Deadant! Deadant! Deadant!!!."
-= elephant =-= 75 =----------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a grape?
Cos(Theta) Note: Assumes |elephant| = |grape| = 1
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a mountain climber?
Zero; a mountain climber is a scaler.
-= elephant =-= 76 =----------------------------------------------------------
What do you give a seasick elephant?
Lots of room.
-= elephant =-= 77 =----------------------------------------------------------
What is gray and comes in quarts?
An elephant.
-= elephant =-= 78 =----------------------------------------------------------
What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?
Swim for your life!!
-= elephant =-= 79 =----------------------------------------------------------
Don't call an elephant, he may come!
-= elephant =-= 80 =----------------------------------------------------------
One hunter goes hunting and he tracks an elephant. He almost shoots it when he
looks into the elephant's eyes and decides that he is not up to it. Ten years
later, he goes to the circus. There is a group of elephants performing. One of
the elephants walks to his direction and kicks him! Why?
Answer: It wasn't the same elephant.
-= elephant =-= 81 =----------------------------------------------------------
An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. The next morning, the ant
wakes up and the elephant is dead. "Damn," says the ant, "One night of passion
and I spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"
-= elephant =-= 82 =----------------------------------------------------------
How do you get out of an elephant?
Run around till you get pooped out.
-= elephant =-= 83 =----------------------------------------------------------
Tourist guide at zoo: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is the elephant, the largest
animal to roam the lands. Every day the elephant eats 3 dozen bunches of
bananas, 6 tons of hay, and 2000 pounds of assorted fruits. Madam, please don't
stand near the elephant's backside....Madam, please don't stand near the
elephant's backside...Madam...Madam..., too late; George, dig her out.
-= elephant =-= 84 =----------------------------------------------------------
Getting anything done around here is like mating elephants.
It's done on a very high level.
There's a lot of stomping and screaming involved.
And it takes two years to get any results.
-= elephant =-= 85 =----------------------------------------------------------
It says in a book that more than 6000 elephants go each year to make piano keys!
Isn't it amazing what elephants can be trained to do!?
-= elephant =-= 86 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why do elephants drink so much?
To try to forget.
-= elephant =-= 87 =----------------------------------------------------------
How do you shoot a blue elephant?
With a blue elephant gun, of course.
How do you shoot a red elephant?
No, not with a red elephant gun. You strangle him until he turns blue, and then
shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
How do you shoot a green elephant?
Tell him a dirty joke so he turns red, strangle him until he turns blue, and
then shoot him with a blue elephant gun.
How do you shoot a yellow elephant?
Ever seen a yellow elephant?!!!
-= elephant =-= 88 =----------------------------------------------------------
How do you get an elephant into a VW?
Open the car door, put the elephant inside, close the door.
What's more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant in a VW bug?
Getting an elephant pregnant in a VW bug.
How do you put an elephant into a fridge?
Open the VW door, take the elephant out, close the VW door, open the fridge, put
the elephant inside, close the fridge.
How do you get 4 elephants into a Volkswagen bug?
2 in the front and 2 in the back
-= elephant =-= 89 =----------------------------------------------------------
How do you know if there is an elephant in your fridge?
Footprints in the butter.
How do you know if there are 2 elephants in your fridge?
Two sets of footprints in the butter.
How do you know if there are 3 elephants in your fridge?
Can't get the fridge door closed.
How do you know if there are 4 elephants in your fridge?
There's a VW bug parked outside it.
How do you get 8(!) elephants in a fridge?
Put four in a VW, four in another VW, put the two VW's in the fridge. A fridge
large enough to hold two elephants can surely hold two VW's!
How do you get Tarzan in the fridge?
Open door, get two VW's out, put Tarzan in, close door.
How do you know Tarzan is in the fridge?
you can hear Tarzan scream OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO
How do you get two Tarzans in the fridge?
You can't, silly. There is only one Tarzan!
Why are there so many elephants running around free in the jungle?
The fridge isn't not large enough to hold them all.
-= elephant =-= 90 =----------------------------------------------------------
How many elephants can you actually put in a fridge?
Depends on the number of elephants.
-= elephant =-= 91 =----------------------------------------------------------
What did the fifth elephant in the VW bug discover?
The sun roof.
-= elephant =-= 92 =----------------------------------------------------------
The Lion (Animal king) gathered all the animals for a meeting, all of them
showed up except the elephants. Why?
They were stuck in the VW bug.
-= elephant =-= 93 =----------------------------------------------------------
How many giraffes can you fit in a VW bug?
None, the elephants are in there!
-= elephant =-= 94 =----------------------------------------------------------
What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants coming over the hill?
"Look, there's 1,000 elephants coming over the hill."
-= elephant =-= 95 =----------------------------------------------------------
What did Jane say?
Here come the blueberries. (Jane was colorblind)
-= elephant =-= 96 =----------------------------------------------------------
What did Tarzan say when he saw 1,000 elephants with sunglasses on, coming over
the hill?
Nothing, he didn't recognize them.
-= elephant =-= 97 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why do elephants wear pink tennis shoes?
White ones get dirty too fast.
-= elephant =-= 98 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why do elephants float down the river on their backs?
To keep their tennis shoes dry.
-= elephant =-= 99 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why do elephants have wrinkled ankles?
Their tennis shoes are too tight.
-= elephant =-= 100 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why do elephants have wrinkled knees?
From playing marbles.
-= elephant =-= 101 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why do girl elephants wear pink sweaters?
So you can tell them from boy elephants.
-= elephant =-= 102 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why do elephants not drink martinis?
Ever try getting an olive out of YOUR nose?
-= elephant =-= 103 =----------------------------------------------------------
What did the banana say to the elephant?
Nothing. Bananas can't talk.
-= elephant =-= 104 =----------------------------------------------------------
How do you make a dead elephant float?
Well, you take 10 dead elephants, 10 tons of chocolate ice-cream, 5 tons of
bananas...
-= elephant =-= 105 =----------------------------------------------------------
How many elephants are on a Nurndy team?
Ten: Two borks, six forwards, and two wopplers.
-= elephant =-= 106 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why are elephants so much better at Nurndy than people?
They wopple better.
-= elephant =-= 107 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why are there not more elephants in college?
Fewer are finishing high school.
-= elephant =-= 108 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why do elephants prefer peanuts to caviar?
Peanuts are easier to get at the ballpark.
-= elephant =-= 109 =----------------------------------------------------------
How do you housebreak an elephant?
You get about 900 copies of the New York Times, Sunday edition.
-= elephant =-= 110 =----------------------------------------------------------
How can you tell if an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
Footprints in the pizza. (or butter, or jam)
-= elephant =-= 111 =----------------------------------------------------------
How can you tell if you're in an elevator with an elephant?
or
How can you tell if there is an elephant in the bathtub with you?
You can smell the peanuts on his breath.
-= elephant =-= 112 =----------------------------------------------------------
How can you tell if an elephant is getting ready to charge?
He pull out his Diners' Club card.
-= elephant =-= 113 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why do elephants never forget?
Well, what do they have to remember?!
-= elephant =-= 114 =----------------------------------------------------------
How can you tell if an elephant is asleep?
Well, if he's in bed, has his pajamas on, his tennis shoes are put away, and
he's peacefully snoring away, odds are, he's asleep. But watch out, anyway.
-= elephant =-= 115 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why are pygmies so short?
They can't tell time.
-= elephant =-= 116 =----------------------------------------------------------
What is that stuff between elephants toes?
Watchless natives.
-= elephant =-= 117 =----------------------------------------------------------
What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
5 O'clock (trick question - not "Time to get a new fence..)
-= elephant =-= 118 =----------------------------------------------------------
What do you know when you see three elephants walking down the street wearing
pink sweatshirts?
They're all on the same team.
-= elephant =-= 119 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why do elephants have four feet?
Because lady elephants have big vaginas.
-= elephant =-= 120 =----------------------------------------------------------
What do elephants use for tampons?
Sheep.
-= elephant =-= 121 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why do elephants have long trunks?
Because sheep don't have strings.
-= elephant =-= 122 =----------------------------------------------------------
What do elephants use for condoms?
Snakes.
-= elephant =-= 123 =----------------------------------------------------------
What do elephants use for vibrators?
Epileptic pigmies.
-= elephant =-= 124 =----------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when an elephant has its period?
There is a quarter on your dresser and your mattress is missing.
-= elephant =-= 125 =----------------------------------------------------------
What is an elephant's sex organ?
His foot; if he steps on you, you're screwed!
-= elephant =-= 126 =----------------------------------------------------------
What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin disorders?
A pachydermatoligist.
-= elephant =-= 127 =----------------------------------------------------------
How do you stop an elephant from charging?
Take away his credit card.
-= elephant =-= 128 =----------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?
A two-ton pickup.
-= elephant =-= 129 =----------------------------------------------------------
What did the female elephant say during sex?
"Can I be on top this time?"
-= elephant =-= 130 =----------------------------------------------------------
What did the elephant say to the nude man?
Cute, but can you breathe through it?
-= elephant =-= 131 =----------------------------------------------------------
What do you do when you come across an elephant?
Wipe it off!
-= elephant =-= 132 =----------------------------------------------------------
Have you heard about Hannibal crossing the Alps with elephants?
None of the offspring survived.
-= elephant =-= 133 =----------------------------------------------------------
How does the male elephant find the female elephant when she's lying down in
tall grass?
Very attractive.
-= elephant =-= 134 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why do elephants lay on their backs?
To trip low flying canaries.
-= elephant =-= 135 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why did the elephant have a yellow spot on his ass?
He wasn't laying on his back.
-= elephant =-= 136 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why do elephants have Big Ears?
Because Noddy won't pay the ransom.
(A one-time popular author of children's books in the U.K. was Enid Blyton; one
of her most popular series, for very young children, was about a little wooden
doll man called Noddy (so-called because he had a tall pointy hat with a bell on
it that tinkled when he nodded) with his head on a spring that lived in Toy Town
and has lots of friends, the closest of whom was a dwarf (with big pointy ears)
called Big Ears.
-= elephant =-= 137 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why don't you go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am?
Because the elephants are jumping from the trees.
-= elephant =-= 138 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why are pygmies so short?
Because the go into the jungle between 3 and 4 am.
-= elephant =-= 139 =----------------------------------------------------------
What's that red stuff between elephants toes?
Slow pygmies.
-= elephant =-= 140 =----------------------------------------------------------
How can you tell when elephants have been making love in your backyard?
The fence is broken and all of your Hefty trash can bags are gone.
-= elephant =-= 141 =----------------------------------------------------------
What do you do when you see a thousand elephants coming down the mountain
slopes?
Swim for your life!
-= elephant =-= 142 =----------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross an elephant with an ant?
A dead ant.
-= elephant =-= 143 =----------------------------------------------------------
How many elephants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but you need a real big bulb.
-= elephant =-= 144 =----------------------------------------------------------
What does an elephant with a runny nose (trunk) need?
A blow job.
-= elephant =-= 145 =----------------------------------------------------------
How do you make an elephant fly?
Start with a 3 foot zipper.
-= elephant =-= 146 =----------------------------------------------------------
What has two tails, two trunks and five feet?
An elephant with spare parts
-= elephant =-= 147 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To pick up the squashed chicken.
-= elephant =-= 148 =----------------------------------------------------------
What is more difficult than getting an elephant into the back seat of your car?
Getting two elephants into the back seat of your car!
What is more difficult than getting 2 elephants in the back seat of your car?
Getting a pregnant elephant in the back seat of your car!!
Whats more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant in the back seat of your
car?
Getting an elephant pregnant in the back seat of your car!
-= elephant =-= 149 =----------------------------------------------------------
What is the height of ambition?
An ant climbing an elephant's leg with the intention of rape.
-= elephant =-= 150 =----------------------------------------------------------
What's grey and puts out forest fires?
Smokey the Elephant.
-= elephant =-= 151 =----------------------------------------------------------
What do elephants use for condoms?
Garbage bags!
-= elephant =-= 152 =----------------------------------------------------------
What happens when an elephant sits in front of you at the movies?
You miss most of the picture!
-= elephant =-= 153 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why do pygmies wear giant condoms on their heads?
Because if an elephant steps on them, they're fucked!
-= elephant =-= 154 =----------------------------------------------------------
What did one elephant say to the other elephant when he realized he'd stepped on
a pygmie?
Look what I just stepped in!
-= elephant =-= 155 =----------------------------------------------------------
What do elephants use for slippers?
Sheep!
-= elephant =-= 156 =----------------------------------------------------------
What did the peanut say to the elephant?
Nothing, peanuts can't talk.
-= elephant =-= 157 =----------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rat?
A dead rat with an 18 inch asshole!
-= elephant =-= 158 =----------------------------------------------------------
What's big and green and slimy, and hangs from tall trees?
Elephant boogers.
-= elephant =-= 159 =----------------------------------------------------------
How many elephants can you fit into a Dodge?
5. Two in the front, two in the back, and one in the glove compartment.
-= elephant =-= 160 =----------------------------------------------------------
What's the largest drawback in the jungle?
An elephant's foreskin.
-= elephant =-= 161 =----------------------------------------------------------
What did the elephant say to the naked man it encountered in the jungle?
Cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
-= elephant =-= 162 =----------------------------------------------------------
The UN sponsored a competition on which nation can produce the best book on
elephants.
The British submitted a dry historical account "The Elephant and the British
Empire."
The French submitted a text "The Sensuality of the Elephant - a Personal
Account."
The Germans submitted 47 Volumes entitled "An Elementary Introduction to the
Foundation of the Science of the Elephant's Ear."
The Americans submitted an article from "Money" magazine: "Elephants - the
Perfect Tax Shelter for the 80s"
Green-Peace submitted a counter-entry "Elephants: they're better than people"
The Russians submitted a terse manuscript titled "The superiority of the
Soviet Elephant"
And Polish submitted a poem "The Joy and Freedom Brought forth by the Soviet
Elephant."
But the Japanese won with their Promotional Flier "We have no Elephants but
wouldn't you want to buy a Honda instead"
-= elephant =-= 163 =----------------------------------------------------------
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
"How can you breath through that little thing?"
-= elephant =-= 164 =----------------------------------------------------------
How do you catch an elephant?
"You dig a big, deep hole and put a bunch of ashes in the bottom. Then you get
some peas and put them all around the edge of the hole."
-= elephant =-= 165 =----------------------------------------------------------
There was this tiger who woke up one morning and just felt great. He felt so
good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him, "Who is the
mightiest of all the jungle animals!?!" And this poor quaking little monkey
replied, "You are of course, no one is mightier than you."
A little while later, this tiger confronts a deer and just bellows out, "Who
is the greatest and strongest of all the jungle animals!?!!" The deer is
shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to stammer, "Oh great tiger,
you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered up to an elephant that was quietly
munching on some weeds and roared at the top of his voice, "Who is the mightiest
of all the animals in the jungle!?!?!!"
Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him
down, picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of
orange and black, and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. The
tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says, "Man, just
because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so pissed."
-= elephant =-= 166 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why did the elephant stand on the marshmello?
So he wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate!
-= elephant =-= 167 =----------------------------------------------------------
What do you do if an elephant comes in your house?
Swim for your life!
-= elephant =-= 168 =----------------------------------------------------------
From an old Benny Hill sketch:
Two men are sitting in a hunting lodge. One says to the other, "I think it's
spelled W-H-H-O-O-O-M-B."
The other man replies, "No, wouldn't it be more like W-H-H-H-O-O-M-M-B-B?"
The waitress is walking by and says, "You guys are both idiots! It's spelled
W-O-M-B, you jerks!" and she storms off.
The one man turns to his friend and says, "How do you like that? She's heard
an elephant fart too!"
-= elephant =-= 169 =----------------------------------------------------------
Man goes to doctor, complaining of rash on arms.
Dr: What is your job?
Man: I give enemas to elephants in the circus.
Dr: How is it done.
Man: Well, you stick your arm up the elephants butt, and do it.
Dr: I guarantee, if you get a new job, it will cure your arms.
Man: What, and give up show business?
-= elephant =-= 170 =----------------------------------------------------------
Gassy Elephant Blows Her Trainer Through A Wall
Sassy, the 2-ton elephant, queen of the Spalding Brothers Tent Circus,
suffered a bout with gas that nearly killed her trainer, and blasted several
holes in the striped tent where she was practicing her prancing. Now dubbed
Sassy the Gassy Pachyderm, the 14-year-old beast snorted approximately 15
gallons of red-hot Tex-Mex chili cooking outside the tent for a Rotary fund
raiser.
Sassy developed a taste for chili as a mere 500-pound babe when she lived
with a herd of cows near El Paso, TX. The rancher held regular cook-outs, and
let Sassy lick the Chili pot after the guests had gone.
"The hotter the better," recalls rancher Antonio Guayabera. "She'd poke her
little fuzzy trunk in there and slurp 'til it was clean as a whistle. I'd
notice the next day, though, the cows would stick to one end of the field and
Sassy would be all by herself at the other. I always thought someone was
burning garbage, but I finally realized it was Sassy and cut off her bean
supply. It was making the cows' milk sour."
Antonio, who got the baby elephant as a gag gift from an oilman friend of
his, sold Sassy to the circus and trainer Fritz Hildebrand made her queen of the
center ring.
"I discovered the first month I had Sassy that she loved chili, but it didn't
love her," says Fritz. "We had to keep the roustabouts with their open cook-
stoves away, because she would smell those beans simmering and start hooting and
hollering to get it. We only let her have her way once," Fritz says, shaking
his head. "We had to walk her a mile away and leave her penned there a whole
day."
Human memories dim, but elephants never forget, and with chili pots bubbling
it was just a matter of time before Sassy slipped her trunk through a hole in
the tent and started gobbling.
"I knew I had to get her out of there - and fast," says Fritz from his
hospital bed. "But I wasn't fast enough. As I led her away, the gas attack
started. I should have known better than to stand too close, but the first
blast blew me right through the tent and into a trailer parked outside."
Fritz suffered 15 broken bones, including one arm, one leg, his collarbone,
several ribs and fingers. Subsequent blasts ripped through the big top before
Sassy was banished to a distant field.
"I know she feels bad," concludes the forgiving trainer. "Sassy's a
chiliholic, and she just can't help herself."
-= elephant =-= 171 =----------------------------------------------------------
So this mouse walks in the jungle with his elephant friend, looks back and
says, "Wow, look how much dust we leave behind!"
================================================================================
== FISH ========================================================================
-= fish =-= 1 =--------------------------------------------------------------
In September 1993, "The Economist" magazine reported that Japan's meteorology
agency had recently completed a seven-year study to ascertain the validity of
the Japanese legend that earthquakes are caused by catfish wiggling their tails.
After trying to match catfish tail-wagging with a number of small earthquakes,
the agency abandoned the study, refusing to confirm or criticize the legend.
-= fish =-= 2 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Why was the bluefish blue?
Because the blowfish wouldn't.
-= fish =-= 3 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Prevention Of Cruelty To Piranhas:
A video dealer in England advertised a large discount on his systems to anyone
who was brave (?) enough to snatch a coin from an aquarium filled with hungry
piranha. The English equivalent of the SPCA in the United States got into the
act and demanded the dealer be sure the customer's hands were cleaned so as to
prevent food poisoning in any piranha that might bite a dirty hand.
-= fish =-= 4 =--------------------------------------------------------------
This was published in The South Texas Fisherman, sometime 1972.
Talking To Fish
by Bill Kennedy
A character in one of Shakespeare's plays, boasting of his accomplishments
said, "I can call up monsters from the vasty deep." Any fisherman could have
given the answer, "So can I and so can any man, but will they come?" Men and
women have been calling to fish, pleading with them, and swearing at them
without response since the beginning of time. A federally supported research
project may change that situation.
Working with the whale family (porpoise or dolphin), scientists in Florida
have set out to translate fish language. They are not far along yet but have
made some headway. Various clicks and whistles have been recorded that indicate,
at least in the whale family, one fish has a way to communicating what is on his
mind to another fish. If the research continues as planned, it should be only a
matter of time until man will be able to reporoduce fish noises and communicate
what is on his mind to bass, perch, and catfish.
All right-minded fishermen agree that fish-talk research projects should be
cancelled and the scientists in it forced to seek other employment. The
reasoning behind this point of view is simple and sound. If the research
continues to its logical conclusion, fishing will cease to be the pleasant and
relaxing sport that it now is. Fishing will become a business of bellowing
speeches in fish language designed to convince fish that they would be better
off on the bank or in the boat than they are in the water. In such
circumstances, any fool knows who the men that will catch all the fish will be.
They will be politicians!
================================================================================
== GIRAFFE =====================================================================
-= giraffe =-= 1 =-----------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when two giraffes collide?
A giraffic jam.
-= giraffe =-= 2 =-----------------------------------------------------------
In the summer of 1993, Rob and Jason, worked in a Tarzan show at Silver
Springs (an attraction in Florida). The show was near a "petting zoo" area
which house goats, deer, and giraffes. The giraffes aways leaning over the
fence to eat goodies that the tourists held-up for the giraffes to get.
One day, Rob and Jason heard this screaming noise over in the petting area.
Apparently, a man was walking away from the giraffes and he dropped something.
When he bent over to retrieve it two things happened: 1) he exposed a portion of
his backside (commonly called "plumber's butt") and 2) one of the giraffes
decided this was some sort of food offering and bent down to lick it up.
When the man felt the giraffe's long wet tongue sliding down his crack, he
stood up and started screaming. This caused his cheeks to pinch the giraffe's
tongue. This caused the giraffe to panic and it started screaming (sort of)
also. Rob and Jason heard the noise and looked over to see the man standing
with the giraffe's tongue coming out of the back of his pants.
Several people rushed over and eventually freed both man and giraffe.
-= giraffe =-= 2 =-----------------------------------------------------------
When do giraffes have eight legs?
When there are two of them.
-= giraffe =-= 2 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Why didn't they invite the giraffe to the party?
He was a pain in the neck.
================================================================================
== GOAT ========================================================================
-= goat =-= 1 =--------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call an unemployed goat?
Billy Idol.
-= goat =-= 2 =--------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a goat at sea?
Billy Ocean.
-= goat =-= 3 =--------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a spastic goat?
Billy the kid.
-= goat =-= 4 =--------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a goat that lip syncs?
Billy-Vanilli.
-= goat =-= 5 =--------------------------------------------------------------
A door-to-door salesman has had a really rough day and decided to try one more
house before heading home. He knocks on the door, determined to make a sale. A
small boy opens the door, and the salesman starts in with his sales pitch. The
boy stood there speechless, and the salesman, seeing that he wasn't getting
anywhere, asked the boy where his mother was. The boy didn't say a word and
just pointed upstairs. The salesman goes up the stairs, opens the bedroom door
and finds the boy's mother in bed with a goat!! Completely flabbergasted, the
salesman slams the door shut and flies down the stairs. He grabs the little boy
by the shoulders and yells, "Do you know what's in bed with your mother? Do you
know what they're doing? Doesn't this bother you?" To which the little boy
responded, "Na-a-a-a-a-a-a." (Note: you must speak the boy's response like a
goat)
================================================================================
== HORSE =======================================================================
-= horse =-= 1 =-------------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross an onion and a donkey?
A piece of ass that will bring tears to your eyes.
-= horse =-= 2 =-------------------------------------------------------------
Why couldn't the pony talk?
Because he was a little hoarse.
-= horse =-= 3 =-------------------------------------------------------------
Horses can doze standing up.
-= horse =-= 4 =-------------------------------------------------------------
Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his
track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"
Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"
"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've one 28!", says another,
flicking his tail.
At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there
listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in MY last 90
races, I've won 88 of them!"
The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A
talking dog."
================================================================================
== INSECT ======================================================================
-= insect =-= 1 =------------------------------------------------------------
Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley. "I was in that new
restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is
spotless, the floors are gleaming white. It's so sanitary the whole place
shines."
"Please," said the other roach, frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"
-= insect =-= 2 =------------------------------------------------------------
Two flies sit on a piece of shit. A third fly lands, sits there, and farts.
The other flies yell at the third one, "How disgusting!! Can't you see we're
eating?!?"
-= insect =-= 3 =------------------------------------------------------------
Australian Cockroaches
This is a True Story. It actually happened recently to three friends of mine.
Reproduced with permission, and with apologies to Lovecraft.
Mark, Cathy and Harry share an apartment with a family of several thousand
cockroaches. Australian cockroaches are, of course, far larger, hungrier, and
more aggressive than their counterparts in other countries. One day, becoming
annoyed at the constant patter of tiny tentacles, the suspicious crunching
sounds that should never come from a cheese sandwich, and especially peeved at
finding the furniture rearranged without notice, Mark decided to commit
genocide. He bought a can of surface spray.
A distorted leer on his face, he methodically covered the skirting boards,
cupboards, cracks, nooks and lairs of his enemy with the fast-acting contact
poison. He was merciless, rooting out forgotten nests and spraying crucial
strategic points with the fine but deadly mist. When the can finally ran out,
he knew that morning would see a newer, cleaner, better world for humans to live
in. Smug and confident in his powers, he settled down for a well-earned rest.
Night fell. A clear, silent moonlit night. Quiet. Perhaps, too quiet. For
the first time in memory, no scampering of greasy exoskeleton, no clacking of
mandibles, no buzz of shadowy wings to disturb the great white mammals, dormant
and safe in their nocturnal hibernation. All around the hunting fields,
tantalising with the promise of cheese sandwiches, a heavy pall hung. Not an
inch, not a smidgeon, not a scad of floor space could be found that was not
covered with the insidious but certain death. Not even a place to stand,
except...
Harry woke with it. He thought it was the rain. But the night was clear.
The moon shone through his bedroom window. Then he felt it. Then he started to
scream.
Mark and Cathy ran to Harry's room, armed with large blunt objects. The door
was locked. Inside, they could hear whimpering, a tiny voice crying, "No no no
no..." and the sound of rain. Mark hammered on the door. Cathy went to ring
the police. The door thudded once, and then the bolt drew back, the lock
turned, the door slowly opened, the light snapped on. Mark and Cathy drew breath
as one, turned and fled, screaming, into the night, followed after a period by
the shambling wreck that had been Harry. His bed was littered with hundreds of
twisted black cockroach corpses, fallen from a teaming leathery mass that
entirely covered the ceiling. And they made a sound like rain ...
-= insect =-= 4 =------------------------------------------------------------
From an Associated Press bulletin: When an San Francisco insecticide maker ran
a contest in August 1994 looking for the most roach-infested house in the
country to demonstrate its pest control prowess, Rosemary Mitchell of Tulsa,
Okla., really wanted to win, and she did. The prize: a house call from a roach
expert, entomologist Austin Frishman, a.k.a. television's Dr. Cockroach, who
began work on the home after estimating that her one-story house harbored
between 60,000 and 100,000 roaches. Mitchell said, "I keep a pretty clean
house," but admitted that she had to check the bed thoroughly every night and
shake the shower curtains off every morning. Frishman said he has seen a lot
worse and rated Mitchell's house only a "3" on a scale of 1 to 5.
-= insect =-= 5 =------------------------------------------------------------
What's the last thing that enters a bee's mind when it hits a car's window
moving at 70 mph?
Its ass.
-= insect =-= 6 =------------------------------------------------------------
How can you tell if a termite is homosexual?
He'll only eat woodpeckers.
-= insect =-= 7 =------------------------------------------------------------
A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"
-= insect =-= 8 =------------------------------------------------------------
Bumbling Trivia
In proportion to its body size, the genitalia of a drone bee are among the
largest of any animal on earth. Mention this to the girls over bridge and
you'll definitely get the conversation off Tupperware.
The size of its equipment is thought to be directly related to the drone's
post-coital fate, namely death. The genitals are contained in the abdomen and
presumably getting them out of the abdomen for the purpose of mating places such
strain on the bee that it dies in the process. The proximate cause of the
drone's demise is that its privates are (urk) ripped off during the act. One
more reason for caution, boys, when we are fumbling around in the dark.
One last thing. Despite its status as bee stud, the drone is not itself
produced as a result of sex. On the contrary, it develops from an unfertilized
egg. (Fertilized eggs become either workers or queens.) Thus the queen bee is
capable of parthenogenesis and drone bees have no father, only a grandfather.
You think your family is dysfunctional; be glad you're not a bee.
-= insect =-= 9 =------------------------------------------------------------
What's better than a talking dog?
A spelling bee.
-= insect =-= 10 =------------------------------------------------------------
Why do spiders spin webs?
Because they can't knit.
-= insect =-= 11 =------------------------------------------------------------
Seen on the bionet.general newsgroup:
We have a pet spider in our lab. Can anyone tell us how to sex it? We found it
in the men's toilets but we don't think this is conclusive evidence.
-= insect =-= 12 =------------------------------------------------------------
The Washington Post reported in September 1993 that at the third annual Fairfax
County, Va. Slugfest, "Slippery" beat out 49 other slugs in the Tour de Slug
race. Also featured at the festival: slug face-painting, the slime toss, and
the official drink - green "slimeade." A 12-year-old boy demonstrated his skill
at flicking his tongue in and out of his mouth with his slug, Mickey, attached.
He said that despite washing Mickey several times with soap beforehand, "the
slime still sticks between your teeth. I've still got some slime from
yesterday."
-= insect =-= 13 =------------------------------------------------------------
Have you ever smelled moth balls before?
Yes? Well, how did you get their little legs open?
-= insect =-= 14 =------------------------------------------------------------
One fly to another fly: "Your human is open"
-= insect =-= 15 =------------------------------------------------------------
Two boy silkworms pursued a luscious girl silkworm. They ended up in a tie.
-= insect =-= 16 =------------------------------------------------------------
A centipede is an inchworm that has switched to the metric system.
-= insect =-= 17 =------------------------------------------------------------
What is worse than a giraffe with a sore neck?
A centipede with athlete's foot.
-= insect =-= 18 =------------------------------------------------------------
How many flies does it take to scew in a light bulb?
Two, but how the heck do they get in there?
-= insect =-= 19 =------------------------------------------------------------
I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above
globes. They freak out and yell, "Whooa, I'm way too high!"
-= insect =-= 20 =------------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time, there was a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation
for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the
difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was
the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he
wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S".
The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"
The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me
roaring past to know who's driving."
Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to
a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.
The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily
down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by,
they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"
-= insect =-= 21 =------------------------------------------------------------
A snail got mugged by two tortoises. When he went to the police, they questioned
him as to what happened. He said, "I don't know, it all happened so fast!"
-= insect =-= 22 =------------------------------------------------------------
"No!" said the lady caterpillar, crossing her legs, "no, a thousand times no!"
-= insect =-= 23 =------------------------------------------------------------
As seen in the Salt Lake Tribune:
On the most recent flight of Columbia, astronauts learned a valuable insight
from their experiments with 500 fruit flies. Zero gravity makes them easier to
swat.
-= insect =-= 24 =------------------------------------------------------------
From Rodney L. Levine, National institutes of Health, Bethesda, MD
Progress continues apace in the field of millipede research. Investigator Jack
Eden of the research journal "The Washington Post" presents the following terse
summary of his life's work:
"Continue dimming outdoor house lights to prevent millipedes from mating on the
lawn." - Washington Post, September 17, 1994, p. E13.
[Note: Eden does not present details of how he conducted the experiments, nor of
the results that led him to this summary conclusion. We will closely monitor
his subsequent publications.]
-= insect =-= 25 =------------------------------------------------------------
From the L.A. Times:
A West Virginia chemical company will open a $15 million insecticide unit to
replace one that was destroyed in a 1993 explosion that released 45,000 pounds
of toxins into the environment. Company officials said they are confident that
they have finally gotten all the bugs out.
-= insect =-= 26 =------------------------------------------------------------
Ways The World Will Be Different When Killer Bees Take Over
6. No need for Lorena Bobbitt; guys now die after their first sexual encounter.
5. Cool new striped uniforms for all major football teams.
4. Flavor-of-the-month this month and every month at nearby Baskin-Robbins ice
cream stores will be 'Honeysuckle Fudge'.
3. Hard to get girls into bed with all that sticky shit on their legs.
2. Because of all the stingings to his face, Michael Jackson is even more pale.
1. A woman would still be in charge of things.
-= insect =-= 27 =------------------------------------------------------------
I just recently bought an ant farm. I wonder where I can get tractors small
enough for it?
-= insect =-= 28 =------------------------------------------------------------
Maggots Have Rights Too
Tim Robbins has his own animal story to tell when he talks about the trials
of shooting "The Shawshank Redemption".
"Today we are reshooting a scene where I pick a maggot out of my oatmeal," he
told Entertainment Weekly. "The first time we shot it, someone from the ASCPA
was on the set because we were using a bird that day. We were informed by the
person that we weren't allowed to kill the maggot on screen. "So someone made a
little matchstick director's chair witha a star on it and 'Maggot' on the back.
We put the maggot on his chair between takes. I don't want to give the
impression we don't care about maggots."
-= insect =-= 29 =------------------------------------------------------------
What animal has six legs and walks on the head?
A louse.
================================================================================
== PIG =========================================================================
-= pig =-= 1 =---------------------------------------------------------------
There was once a man from the city who was visiting a small farm, and during
this visit he saw a farmer feeding pigs in a most extraordinary manner. The
farmer would lift a pig up to a nearby apple tree, and the pig would eat the
apples off the tree directly. The farmer would move the pig from one apple to
another until the pig was satisfied, then he would start again with another pig.
The city man watched this activity for some time with great astonishment.
Finally, he could not resist saying to the farmer, "This is the most inefficient
method of feeding pigs that I can imagine. Just think of the time that would be
saved if you simply shook the apples off the tree and let the pigs eat them from
the ground!"
The farmer looked puzzled and replied, "What's time to a pig?"
-= pig =-= 2 =---------------------------------------------------------------
Pigs are the only mammals besides humans which can be sunburned. A hippopotamus
also can get a sunburn. But, than again, a hippopotamus is related to a pig.
Pigs cannot sweat.
-= pig =-= 3 =---------------------------------------------------------------
What is a crafty pig called?
CunningHAM.
-= pig =-= 4 =---------------------------------------------------------------
A city boy decided to quit the rat race and bought himself a farm, which
included a few sows. He wanted to breed the sows, but had no idea how to go
about it. His neighbor volunteered his boars for the job, and told the city boy
to bring them over in the pickup the next day.
In the afternoon when he went to pick them up, the city boy asked how he
would be able to tell if the sows were impregnated. He was told to look and see
where they were early in the morning. If they were up on the hill, they were
pregnant; if they were in the sty, it hadn't worked.
The next morning, he leapt from the bed and looked up the hill, but alas the
pigs were down in the mud. Grumbling, he loaded them back into the pickup and
headed for the neighbors.
The following three mornings were just the same; he would leap from the bed,
look up the hill, find the pigs down in the mud and have to return them to the
neighbors to let the boars have another shot at them.
On the fifth morning, he looked up the hill, and there were no pigs. He
looked down in the sty; still no pigs. He called to his wife, "Where the hell
are the pigs today?"
Amid hysterical laughter, she managed to choke out, "They're down in the
truck, and the big one is honking the horn!"
================================================================================
== PRIMATE =====================================================================
-= primate =-= 1 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Where do monkeys pick up wild rumors?
Over the apevine.
-= primate =-= 2 =-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you train King Kong?
Hit him with a rolled up newspaper building.
-= primate =-= 3 =-----------------------------------------------------------
There was a terrible bus accident. Unfortunately, no one survived the
accident except a monkey which was on board and there were no witnesses. The
police try to investigate further but they get no results. At last, they try to
interrogate the monkey. The monkey seems to respond to their questions with
gestures. Seeing that, they start asking the questions.
The police chief asks, "What were the people doing on the bus?"
The monkey shakes his head in a condemning manner and starts dancing around;
meaning the people were dancing and having fun.
The chief asks, "Yeah, but what else were they doing?".
The monkey uses his hand and takes it to his mouth as if holding a bottle.
The chief says, "Oh! They were drinking, huh??!" The chief continues,
"Okay, were they doing anything else??".
The monkey nods his head and moves his arms back and forth, meaning they were
having sex.
The chief loses his patience, "If they were having such a great time, who the
hell was driving the damn bus then??"
The monkey cheerfully swings his arms to the sides, as if grabbing a wheel.
-= primate =-= 4 =-----------------------------------------------------------
From Reuters News Service:
Gorillas Nico and Samba have been together in southern England for eight years,
but have never gotten around to mating. Maybe they don't know how? Keepers note
they like to watch TV ("They enjoy wildlife programs," a spokeswoman says), so
they are showing the animals some new videotapes, porno movies of American
gorillas, in hopes the couple will imitate the acts. No hairy babies yet,
though. "There is no sign yet that they have caught on to what it is all
about," the spokeswoman said.
-= primate =-= 5 =-----------------------------------------------------------
News item from the "National Review", Sept. 26, 1994, p.14 (and for our readers
from outside the U.S., "National Review" is an extremely sober, conservative
magazine concerned mostly with politics:
In Guyana, several amazed police officers had to step in to curtail the
activities of a monkey who had been breaking into homes, putting on lipstick and
condoms, and upsetting people with his lewd gestures. No word about where he
got the idea. (Bet he had a grant from the National Endowment for the Arts)
-= primate =-= 6 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Newswire Item 3/2/94: A hunter in Uganda is being sought by local authorities
for illegally hunting gorillas. He shoots them with a tranquilizer gun and
dresses them in clown suits. So far, six gorillas have been found wandering
around in this condition. A Ugandan spokesman stated that this was a person with
a truly sick sense of humor. They felt this was a cruel practice, since they had
to tranquilize the gorillas again to take the suits off!
================================================================================
== RABBIT ======================================================================
-= rabbit =-= 1 =------------------------------------------------------------
What are four hundred rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare line.
-= rabbit =-= 2 =------------------------------------------------------------
An infant rabbit was orphaned. Fortunately though, a family of squirrels
took it in and raised it as if it were one of their own. This adoption led to
some peculiar behaviors on the part of the rabbit, including a tendency for it
to eschew jumping but rather to embrace running around like its step-siblings.
As the rabbit passed through puberty, however, it soon faced an identity
crisis (don't we all!). It went to its step-parents to discuss the problem. It
allowed as to how it felt different from its step-siblings, was unsure of its
place in the universe, and was generally forlorn. Their response was, "Don't
scurry, be hoppy."
-= rabbit =-= 3 =------------------------------------------------------------
Why does the Easter bunny hide his eggs?
He doesn't want anyone to know he's screwing a chicken.
-= rabbit =-= 4 =------------------------------------------------------------
These two rabbits escape from the laboratory and see grass for the first
time. Lollopy, lollopy, lollopy, lop, they bounce through the grass when they
meet an older rabbit.
"Hello," says the older rabbit. "Would you like to come and stay at my
warren?"
"What's a warren?" ask the two rabbits.
"Don't worry," replies the older rabbit. "Come and see."
So off they go and they like the tunnels and chambers of the older rabbit's
warren, and decide to stay.
In the morning, the two rabbits are awaken by the thumping of the older
rabbit: thump thump thump. "Come on out for the cabbages," calls the older
rabbit.
"What's a cabbage?" ask the two rabbits. So off they go and enjoy the day in
the fields eating cabbages. They return very satisfied with their tummies full
of cabbage and agree a good day was had.
The following day: thump thump thump, "Come on out for the cabbages", and the
same for the day after that.
By the end of the third day, rabbit one says to rabbit two, "These cabbages
are good but there must be more to life. Let's go and find it."
Rabbit two agrees, so off they go lollopy lollopy lollopy lop across the
grass. They meet a younger rabbit. "Hello," says the younger rabbit. "Why
don't you come and live in my warren. I got young girly rabbits in my warren."
So they agree and for three days, it was thump thump thump. By the end of
the third day, rabbit one says to rabbit two, "Oh man, I gotta get out of here."
"WHY?!?" asks rabbit two. "This is the best time of our lives!" he exclaims.
"Yeah," says rabbit one, "but it has been a week since I've had a cigarette."
================================================================================
== SHEEP =======================================================================
-= sheep =-= 1 =-------------------------------------------------------------
Welcome to Montana, where the Men are men, the women are too, and the sheeps'
assholes are sore!"
-= sheep =-= 2 =-------------------------------------------------------------
Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
So the sheep won't hear the zipper.
-= sheep =-= 3 =-------------------------------------------------------------
Two sheep herders are flying the herd to a new farm. Suddenly, the engine
fails and the plane begins to fall quickly to the ground.
SH1: Quick! Grab a parachute and jump!
SH2: What about the sheep?!?
SH1: Fuck the sheep!!!!
SH2: (pause) Do you think we have time?
-= sheep =-= 4 =-------------------------------------------------------------
So the cowboy goes out to seek his fortune on the frontier of the old West.
He finally settles on a ranching town near the very edge of civilization. So
near, in fact, that there aren't any women to be found for love nor money.
Well, he's young and full of hormones, and after a month, he starts getting
randy, so he goes to the saloon to ask around. After a couple of sort of
nervous, whispered conversations, it comes out that you use the sheep.
Well, our hero isn't real happy about this, but he's really desperate. He
buys a bottle to nerve himself up. He goes and finds the nearest flock, and
decides that if he's going to do this at all, he's going to do it right. He
spends most of the afternoon picking out the prettiest sheep in the flock. He
shampoos her wool and ties ribbons around her neck. Puts a little bell on her
collar. He's also getting pretty drunk.
By evening, he's done cleaning up the sheep, and not thinking real clearly.
He's so proud of the way the sheep looks, he decides to take her in to town and
show her off at the saloon. He walks in with the sheep, and the room goes
quiet. Everybody's staring at the guy. And not just staring, but kinda
recoiling in shock and horror. He's ashamed, but he's drunk enough; he slurs
out, "Whassamada, I thought ever'body went out to the sheep?"
Finally, one old timer pipes up.
"Yeah, boy, but you got the _sherrif's_ girl."
-= sheep =-= 5 =-------------------------------------------------------------
An Aussie journalist was in New Zealand doing stories where he saw a Kiwi
farmer doing unnatural things with a sheep.
He approached the Kiwi and firstly asked, "What sort of sheep is that?" He
scribbled down the farmer's reply - "a Merino".
The next question was, "Do you shear them?"
The farmer replied hastily, "No! Go and find yer own!"
(You'll need to know how a Kiwi's accent sounds to appreciate this joke!)
-= sheep =-= 6 =-------------------------------------------------------------
Why do Welsh sheep farmers wear green Wellies? (rubber boots to Americans)
So they can stick a sheep's back legs into them. Prevents them from running
away while they're getting screwed.
-= sheep =-= 7 =-------------------------------------------------------------
Why do Welsh sheep farmers like to screw sheep on the edge of cliffs?
Because they push back so nicely.
-= sheep =-= 8 =-------------------------------------------------------------
A young man moves to a village in Wales and gets talking to an old man from the
village. He asks the old man what his name is; the old man gets very irate at
this point and says: "See that line of houses over there? I built them all, but
do they call me Jones the house builder? Do they hell! See those railway lines
over there? I laid them all, but do they call me Jones the engineer? Do they
hell! See those bridges over that river? I built them all, but do they call me
Jones the bridge builder? Do they hell! But, a long long time ago, I fucked
*one* sheep..."
-= sheep =-= 9 =-------------------------------------------------------------
How do you get virgin wool?
From ugly sheep.
-= sheep =-= 10 =-------------------------------------------------------------
If a sheep is a ram and a mule is an ass, how come a ram in the ass is a goose?
================================================================================
== OTHER ANIMALS ===============================================================
-= other animals =-= 1 =-----------------------------------------------------
A true news article cut and saved for my dads humor files some time ago.
An Error In The Pet Law
Arvada, Colo. - A drafting error in the city's animal control ordinance has
just been noticed. It provides that if a stray pet picked up by the city is not
claimed within twenty-four hours, the owner will be destroyed. City manager
Capp Shanks says a correction in the ordinance will be made.
-= other animals =-= 2 =-----------------------------------------------------
The whales were fed up with ships crossing their feeding grounds, migration
paths, and breeding areas; not to mention years of being hunted and killed. They
got together in the middle of the Pacific to decide what to do. Discussion
continued until a plan of attack was proposed.
"What we will do, is gather in two groups, one behind the other. The first
group will swim under each ship, and blow together. This will create a huge
bubble of air under the ship, which will capsize it, dropping the sailors into
the water. The following group of whales will then gobble them up."
After the cheering died down, one whale, towards the outside of the meeting
was was slapping his tail on the water for attention.
The leader says, "Yes...Mervin? You have something to say?"
Mervin replies, "Well, I can go along with the blow job, but I won't swallow
any seamen."
-= other animals =-= 3 =-----------------------------------------------------
What did the one crocodile say to the other crocodile?
What's with the long face?
-= other animals =-= 4 =-----------------------------------------------------
Inverness, Fla.
A 71-year-old man fell off a dock and into the jaws of an alligator but said
his knowledge of reptiles, gained from watching wildlife programs on television,
helped him escape.
"I wasn't a bit afraid. I knew what they usually do," said George Blinn, who
got away from the 7-foot gator by jabbing his thumb in its eye.
Blinn said he has long been a fan of such programs as Wild Kingdom and knew
about alligators' general behavior.
He got the chance to use that knowledge when he fell into the canal behind
his house. Blinn said the alligator bit him on the left hand and then flopped
him over in the water three times before Blinn escaped.
-= other animals =-= 5 =-----------------------------------------------------
How do you keep a skunk from smelling?
Hold his nose.
-= other animals =-= 6 =-----------------------------------------------------
What do you get if you cross a bear with a skunk?
Winnie the Phew!
-= other animals =-= 7 =-----------------------------------------------------
Absolutely unbelievable. That's right folks, you've heard of the WWF and the
AAF, we have the cock fights, the dog fights, and the bull fights and now live
to you from Selcuk, Turkey, you've got Camel Wrestling, that's right, Camel
wrestling.
As seen in Demigogue&Comical.
Selcuk, Turkey - In an ancient arena where Roman gladiators once fought to
the death, two combatans square off in the dust, surround by 5,000 cheering
spectators. It's the start of camel wrestling season in western Turkey, with
matches being fought at the stadium of ancient Ephesus, once one of the major
Greco-Roman cities of Asia Minor.
With exotic names like Emerald, Black Lightning and New World, or more
prosaic ones such as Bulldozer II and Quiltmaker, the hump-backed beasts, their
jaws bound to prevent biting, are goaded into struggling with each other until
referees decide the result. That could be victory, if one crushes the other
into the camel equivalent of a wrestling 'pin', or a draw, if they reach a
stalemate or if one is injured.
The spectators, many with substantial side bets on the outcome, make known
their views with boos and cheers. They day is replete with ritual. The title
of AGA, a kind of honorary president, is auctioned to the highest bidder, who
receives a plaque, a small brass camel and the right to strut about the ring.
This time, Ismail Sarpkaya wins the honor with a bid of 510,000 liras, about
$670. Sarpkaya, a ruddy-faced farmer, explained tha not only wresting is
involved. :Last year we voted Yorganci (Quiltmaker) the most beautiful camel
but we will not have that election this year.
Much prestige hangs on the outcome of the bouts and irate owners often
protest loudly, with helmeted police sometimes called in to intervene. All the
wresting camels are male. Topped by colorfully decorated packs, each is led
into the ring by his owner, often with a female camel ahead to enhance his
interest in the event. Owners and officials crowd around including a team of
seven urgancis, pullers off, for each camel, who stand ready to separate them, a
crucial role in the unusual sport.
Camelmen, as they call themselves, carouse until nearly dawn in two bars on
the main strip in Selcuk, the town close to the ruins of Ephesus. Most drink
raki, the traditional Turkish anise liquor.
The main heavyweight bout of the Selcuk tournament, and the one most of the
crowd had been waiting for, ended quickly. Referees called a draw when
Bulldozer II, after quickly getting on top, gave Quiltmaker a bloody nose.
But with 10 to 15 tournaments each winter season in this area of western
Turkey, the old rivals will soon meet again.
-= other animals =-= 8 =-----------------------------------------------------
What do a walrus and a Tupperware box have in common?
Both like a tight seal.
What do a walrus and a space shuttle have in common?
They are both looking for a tight seal.
-= other animals =-= 9 =-----------------------------------------------------
The Club - Anti-theft device for seals!
-= other animals =-= 10 =-----------------------------------------------------
Where do you find a turtle with no legs?
Where ever you left it!
-= other animals =-= 11 =-----------------------------------------------------
Why is Turtle Wax so expensive?
Because their ears are so small!
-= other animals =-= 12 =-----------------------------------------------------
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs, chewing on a razor blade?
Still no bloody idea
What do you call a deer with no feet, legs, torso, neck, or head?
A hat rack
What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no balls?
Still no fucking eye deer...
What do you call that kind of a deer with no chance of going to heaven?
Still no fucking goddamned idea.
-= other animals =-= 13 =-----------------------------------------------------
What do you get if you cross a supermarket meat counter with a computer?
RAM chops!
-= other animals =-= 14 =-----------------------------------------------------
Toronto, Canada: Archbisop George Cram enjoys a banana once in a while, but
he's not the kind of primate that ape researchers had in mind. The University
of Wisconsin's Regional Primate Research Center sent Cram, primate (senior
archbishop) of the Anglican Church of Canada, a questionnaire while preparing an
international directory of primatology. The envelope was addressed to "George
Cram, Primates World Relief and Development Fund."
The Reverend Michael Ingham, secretary for the senior archbishop, suggested
in a letter of reply that "primates in your study are perhaps of a different
species."
"While it is true that our primate occasionally enjoys bananas, I have never
seen him walk with his knuckles on the ground or scratch himself publicly under
the armpits," Ingham said.
"There are a mere 28 Anglican primates in the whole world," he said. "They
are all males, of course, but so far we have had no problems of reproduction."
The research center's director, John Hearn, promised to strike the church
from a computer database and added in a letter to Ingham. "In our zeal to
develop a comprehensive directory, we have strayed on this occasion from the
arboreal to the spiritual."
-= other animals =-= 15 =-----------------------------------------------------
The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. "I know a really
exciting game that the humans play called football. I've seen it on T.V."
He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got
excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose
up teams and were ready to begin.
The lion's team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had
to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught
the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two
rabbits. He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to
daylight, scoring six.
Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 - 0.
Late in the first half the lion's team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked
the extra point. The lion's team led at halftime 7 - 6.
In the locker room, the lion gave a peptalk.
"Look you guys. We can win this game. We've got the lead and they only have
one real threat. We've got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he's a killer.
Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino."
The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino's
team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the
rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He
skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he
was home free. Suddenly at the twenty yard line, he dropped over dead. There
were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what
had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.
"Did you do this?" he asked the centipede.
"Yeah, I did." the centipede replied.
The lion retorted, "Where the hell were you during the first half?"
"I was putting on my shoes."
-= other animals =-= 16 =-----------------------------------------------------
In an article about the merits of zoos, the Georgia Straight, a free Vancouver
weekly, reports
Dr. Peter Crowcroft of the department of zoology at the University of Texas is a
former director of zoos. In a UBC lecture earlier sponsored by the Vancouver
Institute earlier this year, he said, "You cannot overestimate the ignorance of
the average person. We once did a very interesting experiment. We had an empty
pen with a barn at the back. We left the barn door open and put up a sign that
read: 'Unicorn. Extinct due to education. Feeds on flower petals. Attracted to
virgins.' Most people that came along tried to peer in the open door, convinced
that the unicorn was hiding somewhere in the barn. Except for one little boy
who said to his father, 'But Daddy! There's no such thing.' To which Daddy
replied, 'Don't be stupid. Can't you read the sign?'"
-= other animals =-= 17 =-----------------------------------------------------
It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what they seem.
For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more
intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much - the wheel, New York,
wars, and so on - whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the
water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that
they were far more intelligent than man, for precisely the same reasons.
Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending destruction of
the of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to alert mankind to the
danger; but most of their communications were misinterpreted. - Douglas Admas
"The Hitch-Hikers' Guide To The Galaxy"
-= other animals =-= 18 =-----------------------------------------------------
Private Weston was stationed in Arabia during Desert Storm in a fairly
isolated location in the desert. After a couple of weeks without seeing a
single woman, he inquired to his sergeant about some leave to get some action.
"Well, hell boy, just use the camel, like everyone else," the sergeant
replied.
Private Weston looked at the smelly animal, drooling all over the place.
"What do you think I am, some sicko pervert?" he says.
The sergeant just shrugs, "Suit yourself."
A couple of weeks pass by. And the pressure is just a-building in the loins
of private Weston. He again approaches his sergeant. "Sergeant, you just gotta
give me some leave or I'm gonna bust."
The sergeant says, "Look boy, I told ya, if you want some action, go use the
camel."
Weston goes over to the camel. He walks behind it and sees all the fleas and
dirt surrounding the camel's butt. "Nope, still not that desperate," he says to
himself and walks away.
More weeks go by and Private Weston once again approaches his sergeant.
Before he can speak, the sergeant yells, "Look Weston, I'm not telling you
again. Either use the camel or forget it!"
Chastised, Private Weston goes to the camel. "Well, at least it's a large,
furry, female mammal," he thinks. He walks behind the camel and goes at it.
After he's done, the sergeant walks up to him, visibly shaken and says,
"Look, man, the others use the camel to ride into town and pick up girls."
He was promoted to Colonel a week later.
-= other animals =-= 19 =-----------------------------------------------------
Which pine has the longest needles?
A porcupine.
-= other animals =-= 20 =-----------------------------------------------------
How do porcupines make love?
Veerry carefully!
-= other animals =-= 21 =-----------------------------------------------------
From Deutsche Presse Agentur:
Dhaka, Bangladesh - Women who can charm snakes are on standby as the
Bangladeshi Parliament begins its summer session. Eight deadly cobras have been
caught in the sprawling building since last week, when frightened deputies fled
the building following a snake alarm. Police and firefighters failed to entice
the reptiles from their lairs, and the snake charmers were called in.
Abul Hussain, who caught three of the cobras, said more could be lurking in
the building. "It is difficult to say how many snakes are still holed up in the
building, but it seems several families of cobras moved in during the winter for
hibernation when Parliament was not in session," Hussain said.
Some deputies are taking no chances and have hired their own snake charmers,
officials said.
-= other animals =-= 22 =-----------------------------------------------------
In June 1994, a judge in Thousand Oaks, California dismissed neighbors' request
for an injunction against Kathleen Adams, who the neighbors said lures squirrels
to her home with food and thus creates a nuisance. Adams claims the area is
populated with squirrels anyway, and that she does not need to lure them.
Neighbors' evidence included the fact that Adams posts "Squirrels Welcome" signs
in her yard, but the judge said he found the signs unpersuasive in that he
doubted that squirrels could read them.
-= other animals =-= 23 =-----------------------------------------------------
As published in the Earthweek column by Steve Newman:
An English pet shop owner has offered a solution to homeowners looking for the
security of a guard dog without the responsibility - a frog that barks. The
tiny green and yellow amphibian, from Kirbati and Tuvalu, the former Gilbert and
Ellice islands in the Pacific, has been a sellout for a shop in Sunderland,
northeast England. "They bark as loud as a dog, but cost a lot less to feed,"
the shop owner insists. "A two pound bag of crickets will last them a whole
month."
-= other animals =-= 24 =-----------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $1.69 and deer nuts are under a buck.
-= other animals =-= 25 =-----------------------------------------------------
I have often had the impression that, to penguins, man is just another penguin;
different, less predictable, occasionally violent, but tolerable company when he
sits still and minds his own business. - Bernard Stonehouse
-= other animals =-= 26 =-----------------------------------------------------
Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One
says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."
"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know
where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."
The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He
flies out of the cave.
When he returns, he is covered with blood.
The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"
The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the
night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"
"Yes," the other bat answers.
"Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."
-= other animals =-= 27 =-----------------------------------------------------
Bats are not rodents, but are marsupials.
-= other animals =-= 28 =-----------------------------------------------------
From Aviation Week and Space Technology, Oct 17, 1991:
An acoustic-guided submunition call the BAT may be good against tanks, but not
against an F-117. A reader who works on the stealth fighter in Saudi Arabia
says bats (the natural ones) occasionally work their way into F-117 hangars.
One night, a hungry bat turned right into an F-117 rudder and fell stunned to
the floor. He flew away groggily, leaving behind a heightened impression of the
aircraft's stealth. "I don't know what the radar return is for the vertical
tails of the F-117 but I always thought it had to be more than an insect's," the
reader said. "I guess I was wrong." There may be some "science" in this - the
ultrasound wavelengths used by bats are roughly the same as X-band radar.
On another note, I attended a presentation (unclassified) on the F-117 a while
ago (when the Air Force finally admitted that it existed), and among the
interesting tidbits discussed about the aircraft was that the largest radar
cross section is the pilot's helmet.
-= other animals =-= 29 =-----------------------------------------------------
Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity.
-= other animals =-= 30 =-----------------------------------------------------
From Readers Digest:
Every morning, on a plain in Africa, an antelope awakens knowing that it must
run fast enough to avoid being eaten by a lion.
Every morning on the same plain, a lion awakens knowing that it must run fast
enough to catch an antelope to avoid starving to death.
No matter whether you are an antelope or a lion, you had better wake up
running.
-= other animals =-= 31 =-----------------------------------------------------
Male seahorses are the ones to bear offspring.
-= other animals =-= 32 =-----------------------------------------------------
Reuters News Service - China has opened a sperm bank for yaks in Tibet.
Previously, "natural" mating methods were used, but this "caused degeneration,
resulting in a lower quality of the yak," the Chinese Xinhua news service said.
Within six years, it is expected that 100,000-200,000 deposits will be stored.
Meanwhile, China's human sperm bank in Shanghai is suffering from a severe
lack of deposits, despite men being offered incentives to cooperate. Only "a
few tens" of men have come forth in the last seven years and "the majority of
those had to be persuaded at length before agreeing," said a story in an
official newspaper, Youth Daily.
-= other animals =-= 33 =-----------------------------------------------------
Shrimps hearts are located in the head.
-= other animals =-= 34 =-----------------------------------------------------
What did the beaver say to the tree?
Nice gnawing you.
-= other animals =-= 35 =-----------------------------------------------------
Ways To Get Electric Power From Hamsters
From: john@soda.berkeley.edu (John Morgan Salomon)
The following should be credited to the UC Berkeley CSUA. I left a world-
writeable file in my account and waited to see what people would put in it...
1. Stick copper and zinc electrode needles in opposite ends of hamster. Use in
series for higher voltage.
2. Shove them back and forth in Richard Gere's butt. Creates static
electricity.
3. Go to Radio Shack and offer them the hamster in exchange for two AAA
batteries.
4. Attach the hamster to a hand-crank generator and then drop it onto a
trampoline.
5. Ignite in large numbers. Use heat released to drive steam turbine.
6. Kidnap and threaten to torture. Extort ransom from animal rights activists
and other anti-cruelty types: demand payment in the form of electric
current.
7. Drop hamsters from great heights. Use water-mill like turbine to generate
electricity.
8. Drop large numbers of hamsters into tar pit, wait a few million years, drill
for crude oil at same location to run electric turbine.
9. Cold Fusion -] Steam Turbine. No explanation necessary.
10. Any form of neutron capture / beta emission.
11. Convince hamsters they're really lemmings. Show cliff to hamsters. Install
turbine halfway down cliff.
12. Densely pack hamsters into flywheel shape. Spin rapidly. Attach generator.
13. Put hamster on electricity-generating treadmill. Feed back small portion of
generated electricity into hamster brain pleasure center. Watch him generate
his little heart out!
14. Seal large quantity of hamsters in air tight holding tanks. Add water. Allow
suitable time to pass for decomposition. Collect methane gas resulting. Put
gas in fuel cells.
15. Smush mucho hamsters in a trough, use the drippings/blood to run a
waterwheel for hydroelectric power.
16. Give hamsters lots of shitty beer. Use piss and vomit to run hydroelectric
generator.
17. Skin hamster. Melt animal fat into tallow and then form candles. Heat steam
turbine.
18. Switch hamsters for P6 chips coming of Intel assembly lines. Saved
electricity will be enormous. Cover performance loss by releasing new
version of Windows NT at the same time.
19. Build glass room. Put hamsters inside. Put cocaine inside. Ground the
floor and attach negative leads to the ceiling.
20. Have hamster steal one of kube's magic cards. Leech power from resulting
nuclear strike.
21. Teach hamsters to play blackjack. Once they're at the competitive level,
convince Las Vegas hotel owners to convert to serving hamsters. Saved
electricity from smaller lights, hotels, etc.
22. Accumulate enough hamsters that the self-gravitational force causes the mass
to shrink and heat up. Use thermocouples to generate energy.
23. Raid PG&E corporate headquarters. Threaten to drop hamster down CEO's pants
unless he gives you a power plant.
24. Get several dozen hamsters. Shoot them up with crystal meth. Attach dog
sled.
25. (This is, undoubtedly, the way to get the most power from them) Combine the
hamster with an equal mass of anti-matter, a anti-hamster if you will. Then
harness the massive energy release for power.
26. Have the Emperor warp and twist a hamster clone into an evil Anti-Hamster,
Darth Hamster. This should be good for 4-6 sequels. Install tension to
electricity converters into theatre.
27. a. Find a _good_ genetic engineer.
b. Splice appropriate genes from electric eels into hamsters, because
they're smaller and cuter and, well, hamsters.
c. Feed the hamsters.
d. Surgically install appropriate electrodes.
e. Periodically drain off the voltage.
Unfortunately, this only gets you DC current.
P.S. How could I have been so blind? Splice in genes from blue-green algae
as well, and you wouldn't even have to feed the hamsters! (Well, maybe some
phosphorous and iron and stuff)
28. Mail the electric company a dead hamster every day until they give you power
for free.
29. Crossbreed hamster with Mothra and use resulting giant mutant lightning-
breathing hamster as power source.
30. Give the hamster to Scotty, he'll find some way to yield 20% more power from
the dilithium crystals.
31. Take thousands of hamsters into orbit; when the orbit decays, they will heat
up the atmosphere. With enough hamsters, you could raise the planets
temperature as much as you want.
32. Pull the hamster out of root@soda's ass. Then when they turn red and
embarrassed, use the heat from their red face to drive a Carnot engine.
33. Amass enormous quantities of hamsters until it reaches enough mass to begin
hamsterfusion in the core. Use solar cells to convert radiation to
electricity.
34. Throw in more hamsters to 33 (above) until the hamsterstar goes supernova...
you couldn't want any more energy than that.
35. Repeat 34 with another mass of hamsters, spin the resulting neutron-hamsters
around each other in a binary orbit, use gravity waves to rotate hydro-
turbine.
36. Take five or six hits of acid. Tell yourself very firmly that hamsters _are_
electricity. (Well, they've got lots of electrons in them, yes?) Acquire
hamsters however you choose; "operationally", you've now got electricity.
(I say "five or six hits", because I find that things which were perfectly
clear to me after _one_ hit, e.g., that the word "Krups" is actually an make
onomatopeiac piece of German slang for an unprintable Viennese practice,
make absolutely no sense afterwards.)
37. Give them little magnetic collars, and run them through a maze of coiled
wires.
38. Reduce hamster to their component atoms. Compress the resulting plasma
until it fuses. Transfer the released energy via heat/engine or energy
conversion scheme of your choice.
39. Take two hamsters, run one through a klein bottle to convert it to anti-
matter. Combine the first hamster with the anti-hamster. Harness the
resultant massive burst of energy as per #38 above.
40. Drop hamster into black hole. Use photovoltaics to release the radiated
energy.
41. It is a well-known result of quantum field theory that all fields are
symmetric under the combined action of time-reversal, charge-conjugation and
parity-inversion operators: the familiar TCP symmetry. It is trivial to
show that time reversal and charge conjugation both take fermions into their
anti-particles. Use this to show that plucking hamsters from mirrors will
produce beaucoup electromagnetic radiation. (Hint: Do you need to pull the
hamsters out of the mirror _going_backwards_in_time_?) Ref: J. J. Sakurai,
_Adv. Quan. Mech._
42. Put female hamster scent on glass rod. Release male hamster. He will try to
rub his furry coat against glass rod. Drawback: only creates static
electricity.
-= other animals =-= 36 =-----------------------------------------------------
Two privates stationed at Fort Campbell were handed shovels and told to bury
a large dead animal. While digging they got into an argument about what they
were burying.
"This here's a big mule!"
"This ain't no mule, this here's a donkey."
"Mule!"
"Donkey!"
Well, this went on for a while until the camp chaplain came by. "What are
you boys doing?"
"We're diggin' a grave for this mule."
"Donkey, dammit!"
The chaplain cut in, "Boys, this isn't either one, it's an ass."
An hour later, the camp commander came up and said, "What are you men doing,
digging a foxhole?"
"No sir, we're diggin' an asshole."
-= other animals =-= 37 =-----------------------------------------------------
[This] is a great opportunity for our kids and other kids who come to see us to
be able to recognize and identify manure, which will help them in the future.
Children need, at an early age, to be able to identify manure. - Mike McElroy
of West Lake Hills, TX (in his appeal to the city council to be allowed to keep
his pet donkey) reported in the Austin paper in August, 1994, and in News Of The
Weird 11/11/94)
-= other animals =-= 38 =-----------------------------------------------------
The farmer didn't like to use a tractor on his small holding. He preferred to
have his draft horses pull this plow and wagons. Unfortunately, a group of small
birds insisted in forming nests in the horses manes, which prevented him from
hitching the reins properly.
The farmer tried every method he could think of to get rid of the pesky
birds. He tried lotions, potions, and notions. He kept the stable colder, he
kept it warmer. He went to horse doctors, he went to bird specialists. He
called his congressman, he called the Dept. of Agriculture. He trimmed the manes
as much as he could. He tried loud noises, cat noises, classical music. Nothing
would induce the birds to leave his horses alone.
In desperation, he went to an Indian medicine man from a nearby reservation.
The medicine man, listening to his story, gave him some vile smelling yeast
extract to rub into the manes. Amazingly, it worked. Within two days, the
birds had all fled and the horses were back to work.
The farmer was pleased with this outcome, but puzzled with the methodology.
He went back to the medicine man and inquired about how a simple extract of
yeast was able to solve a problem that many veterinarians and the Department of
Agriculture couldn't.
The medicine man replied, "Simple. Yeast is yeast, and nest is nest, and
never the mane shall tweet."
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