You know you play in the Western Athletic Conference if ...
-- your school's cheers do not include "DEFENSE, DEFENSE"
-- your team does not have a defensive coordinator
-- your team has two offensive coordinators
-- your score board has 3 digits for HOME and AWAY scores
-- your run to pass play ratio approaches zero
-- you consider 2nd down and 1 a great time to throw the 'bomb'
-- you consider 3rd down and 40 a short yardage situation
-- a 'defensive back' is on your state's endangered species list
-- 'Offensive Statistician' is a Math degree at your school
-- at halftime, the footballs have to be de-iced and re-pressurized
-- your kickoff cover team also runs marathons
-- the phrase "you go long" appears on every page of your play book
-- your quarterback's performance is rated in miles instead of yards
-- your running backs wear out more than one pair of shoes per game
-- the whole football team doubles as the track team in the spring
-- you think playing linebackers as safties is a good idea
-- you think the words "pass rush" means that the quarterback threw too soon
-- you don't know what a tackling dummy is
-- you play offensive guard because you just couldn't catch passes like the
tackles
-- you consider "the bomb" to be as efficient as running off tackle in any
situation
-- the usual "2 Minute Drill" is re-named the "15 Minute Drill"
-- your team has defensive formations named "Red Snoopy", "Sieve", and
"Far From Stopping"
-- your Strong Saftey is Al Bundy's brother except he let the other team
score 4 touchdowns in every game
-- your alma mater has school offensive categories such as:
o "Number of Passes Thrown On the Run"
o "Number of Bombs Attempted"
o "Number of Low Flying Airplanes Hit By Ball"
-- your team's Quarterback is also the track team's Javelin Thrower
-- you have at least one guy from Samoa on your team
-- you think the 'Wishbone' is part of a Turkey
-- you think a 'Triple Option Quarterback' is one who opts to:
1. throw the bomb or
2. throw the bomb or
3. throw it away
-- you think 'sieve' is a standard reference to defensive backs
-- the mascot you run around the field after each score is on oxygen,
before half-time
-- you think holding a team to 5 touchdowns gives you bragging rights
-- more balls fly into the stands than at a baseball game
-- speed trials are measured in the 80 yard dash, not the 40
-- it's standard practice to returf the field after a home game
-- your recruiters are x-marathon runners
-- your band uses substitutions
-- your band doubles as a scrimmage team
-- any band member is know a starter
-- at any point durring the game you need a computer to figure out the
combinations of field-goals and touchdowns you're down by
-- you're up by 42 points in the 3rd quarter and the words "We've blown
bigger leads than this." keep echoing through your mind
-- it regularly takes your recievers 25 seconds to jog back to the huddle
after each play
-- you think an off-tackle run is the same as breaking a tackle
-- when some-one says '...carry the ball in the bread-basket...' you give
them a blank stare
-- you found all the divide-by zero bugs in your new statistics software,
related to rushing, before the 3rd game of the season
-- you're more than 4 standard deviations from the national rushing average
-- you're more than 10 standard deviations above the national average for
passes or passing yards attempted
-- any blimp pilot has ever caught a ball during play
-- you have a quarterback rotation schedule, to give their arms a rest
-- air traffic controlers can watch the game on their radar screens
-- you hire Paul Westhead as head coach in an effort to generate more
offense
-- you kick on onside kick after every score for fear of putting your
defense on the field
-- you run a play action pass and score because your opponents have
doubled over in laughter
-- the only drug the team doctor carries is "amphetamines"
-- your opponents commit a holding penalty on a scoring play and your
team declines the penalty
-- your team's water boys/girls wheel an oxygen bottle out onto the
field during a time out
-- the under-over betting line is more than 100 points
-- the "Hail Mary" is on page 1 of your playbook
-- the word DEFENSE is confused with the trailer-park phrase "Da Fence"
-- your quarterback audibles to a running play and has to call a
time-out because the whole offensive line is confused
-- your team considers a 'running play' as a live show that is
currently at the Orpheum Theater
-- the first line of your recruiting brochure is "Have you ever thought
of being a wide receiver?"
-- the words "THIS IS NOT MISSPRINT" appear with your box scores
-- your total points for the year eclipse the national average by more than one order of magnitude
-- keeping the scoreboard lit during games causes brownouts
-- your team is sponsored by American Airlines and Sprint
-- your new defensive coordinator just came off a sucessful
season in Pee-Wee league
-- you win your conference and your bowl opponent is the 5th place team
from another conference
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Contributors:
Mark "Biggus" Gaither (markg@hal.com)
Mike "Storyman" Hoppe (mhoppe@dsd.es.com)
Jeff "The Oracle" Orwick (jeffo@medianet.com)
John "Dr. Denial" Lee (denial@release.roger.rome.org)
Jon "Nanook" Genetti (genetti@dec1.uafcs.alaska.edu)
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Mark A. Gaither -- Software Engineer
HaL Software Systems
3006A Longhorn Suite 113
Austin, TX 78758
Voc:(512)834-9962 x5429 Fax:(512)834-9963
Internet: markg@hal.com
WWW: http://www.hal.com/~markg/index.html
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