.TH rhyme humor \n(mo/\n(dy/\n(yr "Rhymes And Limericks"
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R H Y M E S A N D L I M E R I C K S
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Canonical List Of Rhymes And Limericks (Cogito, Ergo Iambic)
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rhyme.html [HTML Web version]
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ceegrp@cee.hw.ac.uk (Graham R Pearson), onurbmot@prairienet.org (Thomas A.
Bruno)
CONTENTS
RHYMES
LIMERICKS
BATHROOM RHYMES AND GRAFFITI
================================================================================
== RHYMES ======================================================================
-= rhymes =-= 1 =------------------------------------------------------------
The Rose
. .
... :``..': Some say love it is the river
: ````.' :''::' that drowns the tender reed.
..:.. : .'' : Some say love it is a razor
``. `: .' : that leaves your soul to bleed.
: : : : Some say love it is a hunger
: : : : an endless aching need.
: : : : I say love it is a flower
: : :..''''``::. and you, its only seed.
: ...:..' .''
.' .' .::::' It's the heart afraid of breaking
:..'''``::::::: that never learns to dance.
' `:::: It's the dream afraid of waking
`::. that never takes the chance.
`:: It's the one who won't be taken
:::. who cannot seem to give,
..:```.:'`. ::'`. and the soul afraid of dying
..' `:.: :: that never learns to live.
.: .:``:::
.: ..'' ::: When the night has been too lonely
: .'' :: and the road has been too long,
: :: and you think that love is only
: for the lucky and the strong,
: just remember in the winter
far beneath the bitter snows
lies the seed
that with the sun's love in the spring
becomes the rose.....
.-~~-.--.
: )
.~ ~ -.\ /.- ~~ .
] `. .' [
( .- -. )
`- -.-~ `- -' ~-.- -'
( : ) _ _ .-:
~--. : .--~ .-~ .-~ }
~-.-^-.-~ \_ .~ .-~ .~
\ \' \ '_ _ -~
`.`. //
. - ~ ~-.__`.`-.//
.-~ . - ~ }~ ~ ~-.~-.
.' .-~ .-~ :/~-.~-./:
/_~_ _ . - ~ ~-.~-._
~-.[
-= rhymes =-= 2 =------------------------------------------------------------
Love is
Slapping the other person
when they get too happy
being sad when the person
is too happy
being together in good times
and seeing them deteriorate into bad times
Love is the source of control
Love is
being honest with yourself at all times...
unless it isn't convenient
being honest with the other person at all times...
unless it isn't convenient
avoiding, twisting, abusing the truth,
and never pretending
Love is the source of confusion
Love is
an sense of despair so complete that
you wish you were apart from the other person
accepting the other person just the way they are...
well, after just a few little changes.
Love is the source of discord
Love is
the freedom to pursue your own desires
regardless of how that affects the other person.
the growth of one individual
at the expense of the other individual
Love is ever striving, vainly, for success...
Love is
the excitement of arguing over what to do together
the disappointment of never being allowed to 'win'
Love is the source of the fracture
Love is
the fury of your family
the calm in our bedroom
Love is the source of passion
If only it would happen at home...
Love is
giving and taking in a daily situation...
I give; you take
being patient with each other's needs and desires
For *one* of us, anyhow.
Love is the source of unmet needs
Love is
knowing that the other person
will always belittle you regardless of who's right
missing the other person when they are away
because there's no one to fight
Love is the source of insecurity
Love is
the
source
of
all troubles
-= rhymes =-= 3 =------------------------------------------------------------
The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone just she and I
Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do
Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine
I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast
I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart
And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came
At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow...
-= rhymes =-= 4 =------------------------------------------------------------
Warm eyes, wet lips
Gently touch my finger tips
Soft sighs, silky hair
Longing for me to touch her there
Her begging eyes
Her whimpering cries
Urgent needs of one so sweet
Bring me quickly to my feet
The night is warm, there is no doubt
It's my turn to take the dog out
-= rhymes =-= 5 =------------------------------------------------------------
Said Einstein, "I have an equation
which to some may seem rabelaisian;
Let V be virginity
Approaching infinity;
Let P be a constant persuasion;
Let V over P be inverted
With the square root of Mu inserted
N times into V...
The result, Q.E.D.
Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.
-= rhymes =-= 6 =------------------------------------------------------------
Hickory, Dickory, Dock,
Three mice ran up the clock,
The clock struck one,
And the other two got away with minor injuries.
-= rhymes =-= 7 =------------------------------------------------------------
Andrew Dice Clay version:
Hickory, Dickory, Dock
Some chick was sucking my cock.
The clock struck two
I dropped my goo
And kicked the bitch out at the next block.
-= rhymes =-= 8 =------------------------------------------------------------
Andrew Dice Clay version:
Three blind mice,
See how they run.
Where the fuck are they going?
-= rhymes =-= 9 =------------------------------------------------------------
Andrew Dice Clay version:
Georgey porgey, puddin' and pie,
Jerked off in his girlfriend eye.
And when that eye was dried and shut,
Georgey fucked that one-eyed slut.
-= rhymes =-= 10 =------------------------------------------------------------
Andrew Dice Clay version:
Little Boy Blew
Hey! He needed the money.
-= rhymes =-= 11 =------------------------------------------------------------
Letitia has a large one, and so has cousin Luce.
Eliza has a small one, though large enough for use.
Beneath a soft and glossy curl, each Lass has one in front.
To find it in an animal, you at the tail must hunt.
Hermaphrodites have none; Mermaids are minus too.
Nell Gwynn possessed a double share, if books we read are true.
It's used by all in Nuptial Bliss, in Carnal Pleasures found.
Destroy it, Life becomes extinct, the world is but a sound.
Lasciviousness here has its sources, Harlots its use apply.
Without it, Lust has never been, and even Love would die.
Now tell me what this wonder is, but pause before you guess it.
If you are mother, maid, or man, I swear you don't possess it.
-= rhymes =-= 12 =------------------------------------------------------------
A poem by Ogden Nash:
The centipede was happy quite
Until a toad, in fun,
Said, "Pray, which leg goes after which
When you begin to run?
That worked her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in a ditch,
Considering how to run.
-= rhymes =-= 13 =------------------------------------------------------------
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jill forgot to take the pill,
So now they've got a daughter.
-= rhymes =-= 14 =------------------------------------------------------------
Jack and Jill went up the hill
For just an itty bitty.
Jill's now two months overdue,
And Jack has left the city.
-= rhymes =-= 15 =------------------------------------------------------------
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill,
Each with a quarter.
Jill came down with fifty cents;
Do you think they went for water?
-= rhymes =-= 16 =------------------------------------------------------------
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Silly Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a daughter.
-= rhymes =-= 17 =------------------------------------------------------------
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down on top of Jill
And now they have another daughter.
-= rhymes =-= 18 =------------------------------------------------------------
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill! Forgot that pill!
So now they have a son.
-= rhymes =-= 19 =------------------------------------------------------------
Jack and Jill went up the hill
With a keg of brandy
Jack got stewed, Jill got screwed
Now it's Jack Jill and Andy
-= rhymes =-= 20 =------------------------------------------------------------
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
To smoke a little leaf.
Jack got high,
Pulled down his fly,
And Jill said,
"Where's the beef!"
-= rhymes =-= 21 =------------------------------------------------------------
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass, and grabbed her ass
And now two of his front teeth are missing.
-= rhymes =-= 22 =------------------------------------------------------------
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
Both carrying a bucket.
When Jill bent down
Her ass was round
And Jack decided to read a good book :)
-= rhymes =-= 23 =------------------------------------------------------------
Jack and Jill went up the hill
For a bit of hanky panky
Jill came back
With a very sore crack
Jack must have been a Yankee
-= rhymes =-= 24 =------------------------------------------------------------
The official Andrew Dice Clay version of Jack and Jill:
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
Each with a buck and a quarter
Jill came down with two-fifty
The fuckin' whore!
-= rhymes =-= 25 =------------------------------------------------------------
Jack and Jill went up the hill
On an elephant.
Jill got down and helped
Jack off the elephant.
-= rhymes =-= 26 =------------------------------------------------------------
Mary had a little sheep.
It went to bed with her to sleep.
The sheep turned out to be a ram,
And Mary had a little lamb!
-= rhymes =-= 27 =------------------------------------------------------------
Mary had a little lamb,
Her father shot it dead.
Now Mary takes the lamb to school
Between two hunks of bread.
-= rhymes =-= 28 =------------------------------------------------------------
Mary had a little lamb,
Its fleece was black as soot.
And everywhere that Mary went,
Its sooty foot it put.
-= rhymes =-= 29 =------------------------------------------------------------
Mary had a little lamb
And it was always gruntin'
She tied it to a five-bar gate
And kicked its little cunt in.
-= rhymes =-= 30 =------------------------------------------------------------
Mary had a little lamb,
She thought it was quite silly.
She threw it up into the air,
And caught it by its ...
Willy was a watch dog,
Lying on the grass.
Down came a bumble bee,
And bit him on the ...
Asssssk no questions,
Tell no lies,
I saw a policeman,
Doing up his ...
Flies are bad,
Mosquitos are worse,
And this is the end of my silly little verse.
-= rhymes =-= 31 =------------------------------------------------------------
Mary had a kitten.
Tommy had a pup.
Alfonzo had a crocodile
That ate the others up!
-= rhymes =-= 32 =------------------------------------------------------------
Mary had a little lamb,
A pizza and some prunes,
A piece of pie, a glass of milk, and then some maccaroons.
It made the waiters happy to see her order so
And when they carried Mary out, her face was white as snow!
-= rhymes =-= 33 =------------------------------------------------------------
Mary had a little lamb,
Its fleece was white as snow.
And every where that Mary went,
The lamb was sure to go.
Now Mary found the price of meat too high,
Which really didn't please her.
Tonight she is having the leg of lamb,
The rest is in the freezer.
-= rhymes =-= 34 =------------------------------------------------------------
Mary had a little lamb,
She tied it to a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's ass
And turned it's wool to nylon.
-= rhymes =-= 35 =------------------------------------------------------------
Mary had a little watch,
She kept it in her garter.
And when the boys asked her the time,
She knew what they were after.
-= rhymes =-= 36 =------------------------------------------------------------
Mary had a little lamb;
You've heard this tale before;
But did you know she passed her plate;
And had a little more!
-= rhymes =-= 37 =------------------------------------------------------------
Andrew Dice Clay version:
Mary had a little lamb,
She kept in her yard.
Every time she took her panties off,
His little wooly dick got hard.
-= rhymes =-= 38 =------------------------------------------------------------
Mary had a little lamb,
Its fleece was black as charcoal
Every time it jumped the fence
You could see its little arsehole.
-= rhymes =-= 39 =------------------------------------------------------------
Mary had a little lamb,
The doctors were astounded.
Everywhere that Mary went,
Gynecologists surrounded.
-= rhymes =-= 40 =------------------------------------------------------------
Mary had a little lamb,
The doctor was suprised.
When Old McDonald had a farm,
The poor guy nearly died.
-= rhymes =-= 41 =------------------------------------------------------------
Mary had a little lamb
A little roast, a little jam
An ice-cream soda topped with fizz
Boy, how sick our Mary is.
-= rhymes =-= 42 =------------------------------------------------------------
Mary had a li'l lamb
Its wool was soft and pink
A big bad wolf came by one day
Now Mary has a mink!
-= rhymes =-= 43 =------------------------------------------------------------
Mary had a li'l lamb
Her father shot it dead
It still goes to school with her
Between two chunks of bread!
-= rhymes =-= 44 =------------------------------------------------------------
Mary had a little lamb,
Its fleece was as white as snow,
And everywhere that Mary went
The lamb was sure to go.
It followed her to school one day, school one day, school one day,
It followed her to school one day,
And a big black dog fucked it!
-= rhymes =-= 45 =------------------------------------------------------------
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe
She said, "With my pension, that's all I can do."
It may be substandard, but just down the block,
I know an old lady who lives in a sock.
-= rhymes =-= 46 =------------------------------------------------------------
Little Jack Horner,
Sat in the corner,
Eating his sister Mary.
He stuck in his thumb,
And pulled out a plum,
And said, "Hey, what happened to your cherry?"
-= rhymes =-= 47 =------------------------------------------------------------
Little Miss Muffet
Sat on her tuffet
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider,
And sat down beside her
So she ate that too.
-= rhymes =-= 48 =------------------------------------------------------------
Andrew Dice Clay version:
Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider,
Who sat down beside her,
And said, "Hey! What's in the bowl, bitch!"
-= rhymes =-= 49 =------------------------------------------------------------
Little Miss Muffet,
Sat on a tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider,
That crawled up inside her,
So she beat it to death with her spoon.
-= rhymes =-= 50 =------------------------------------------------------------
Jack was nimble
Jack was quick
But Jill preferred the candlestick!
-= rhymes =-= 51 =------------------------------------------------------------
Jack be nimble,
Jack be quick.
Jack jumped over the candlestick
And burnt his balls.
-= rhymes =-= 52 =------------------------------------------------------------
Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
To get her poor dog a bone.
But when she got there,
The cupboard was bare.
So she went out and got him a pizza.
But when she bent over
To feed her poor Rover,
He gave her a bone of his own.
-= rhymes =-= 53 =------------------------------------------------------------
Old mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To get her poor dog a bone.
But when old mother bent over,
Rover drove her, because
Rover had a bone of his own.
-= rhymes =-= 54 =------------------------------------------------------------
Old mother Hubbard went to the cupboard
To get her poor daughter a dress.
But when she got there, the cupboard was bare,
And so was her daughter I guess.
-= rhymes =-= 55 =------------------------------------------------------------
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,
All the king's horses and all the king's men,
Had one fucking big omelet.
-= rhymes =-= 56 =------------------------------------------------------------
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had an exothermic fall
All the king's horses and all the king's men
Couldn't reverse the entropy trend.
-= rhymes =-= 57 =------------------------------------------------------------
Solomon Grundy,
Born on Monday,
Christened on Tuesday,
Married on Wednesday,
Took ill on Thursday,
Worse on Friday,
Died on Saturday,
Buried on Sunday.
This is the end of Solomon Grundy.
-= rhymes =-= 58 =------------------------------------------------------------
Canadian Navy Cadence Song
Up popped the griffen from the coconut grove.
He's a mean mother fucker, you could tell by his clothes.
He's got a two button beany and a four button stitch.
He's a cock sucking, mother fucking son of a bitch.
Well he ran through the jungle with his cock in his hand.
Saying, "Mean mother fucker, I'm the king of this land."
He chased this broad up a coconut tree,
And she said, "Ooh Gee Baby ! Let me be !"
So he lined up a hundred broads against the wall.
For a two dollar bet he fucked them all.
Fucked ninety-eight till his cock turned blue,
Wacked off, sucked off, screwed the other two.
When he died, he went straight to hell.
Fucked the devil's wife and his daughter as well.
And on his tomb stone written in green,
Here lies the human fuckin' machine.
(the ending below is sung to tune of "Shave and a haircut... Two bits !")
- Sung by the whorehouse... quartet
Do you have a hard-on... not yet.
Don't l-e-t... it... sag !
-= rhymes =-= 59 =------------------------------------------------------------
The bank sent our statement this morning.
The sheet was a sight of great awe.
It figures and mine might have balanced,
But my wife was too quick on the draw.
-= rhymes =-= 60 =------------------------------------------------------------
I remember it well, it was my favourite spot...
I've squeezed pimples by the hundred
Ruptured pustules by the score;
I've milked my face until it bled
And still I crave for more.
My nose-crease yields spaghetti
I've blackheads round my ears,
I've cultivated some of them
For nigh on twenty years.
Take pity on unblemished folk
Who'll never know the bliss
Of splattering a mirror
With pus the hue of piss
Rejoice in your eruptions!
They've done alright by me
For squeezing them can be more fun
Than watching your TV.
-= rhymes =-= 61 =------------------------------------------------------------
Little Willie, full of glee,
Put radium in grandma's tea.
Now he thinks it quite a lark
To see her shining in the dark.
-= rhymes =-= 62 =------------------------------------------------------------
Little Willie with a thirst for gore
Nailed his mommy's baby to the door.
Mother said with humor quaint,
Willie dear, don't spoil the paint.
-= rhymes =-= 63 =------------------------------------------------------------
Willie was thirsty in chemistry,
But now he is nevermore.
For what he thought was H2O
Was H2SO4!
-= rhymes =-= 64 =------------------------------------------------------------
Willie thought that life was a bore,
So he drank some H2SO4.
But his dad was an M.D.
Who gave him some CaCO3.
Now Willie's neutralized, it's true,
But he's also full of CO2!
-= rhymes =-= 65 =------------------------------------------------------------
Willie looking in the gun
Pulls the trigger just for fun.
Mother says in tones so pained,
"Willie is so scatter-brained"
-= rhymes =-= 66 =------------------------------------------------------------
Willie found some dynamite,
Cut the fuse off, lit the wick.
Curiosity never pays.
It rained Willie several days.
-= rhymes =-= 67 =------------------------------------------------------------
Little Willie, wrapped in sashes,
Fell in the fire and burned to ashes.
Now the house grows damp and chilly,
Because we haven't the heart to poke poor Willie.
-= rhymes =-= 68 =------------------------------------------------------------
Little Willie, with a shout,
Gouged his brother's eyeballs out.
Stomped on them to make them pop.
Mother said, "Now Willie, stop."
-= rhymes =-= 69 =------------------------------------------------------------
Little Willie took a rocket,
Put it in his father's pocket.
Then he said to cousin Dan,
"Daddy is a traveling man."
-= rhymes =-= 70 =------------------------------------------------------------
Little Willie found a mirror,
Went and sucked the mercury off,
Thinking in his childish error,
It would cure his whooping cough.
At the funeral, Willie's mother
Sadly said to Mrs. Brown,
"'Twas a chilly day for Willie
When the mercury went down."
-= rhymes =-= 71 =------------------------------------------------------------
Little Willie, home from school,
Where he'd learned the Golden Rule,
Said, "If I eat all this cake,
Sis won't get a stomach ache."
-= rhymes =-= 72 =------------------------------------------------------------
Little Willie,
Brand new skates
Hole in ice
Pearly gates
-= rhymes =-= 73 =------------------------------------------------------------
Willie bashed open baby's head
To see if brains are gray or red
What a naughty boy is he
He shall have no jam for tea.
-= rhymes =-= 74 =------------------------------------------------------------
Willie poisoned Auntie's tea
Auntie died in agony.
Uncle came and looked quite vexed.
"Really, Will," he said, "what next?"
-= rhymes =-= 75 =------------------------------------------------------------
Little Willie, mean as hell
Drowned his sister in the well.
Mother said, while drawing water,
"Gee, it's hard to raise a daughter."
-= rhymes =-= 76 =------------------------------------------------------------
Little Willie at a passing gent
Threw a batch of fresh cement.
Then he said, "Wait until you dry!
Then you'll be a real hard guy!"
-= rhymes =-= 77 =------------------------------------------------------------
Little Willie on his bike
Through the village took a hike.
Mrs. Thompson blocked the walk;
She will live, but still can't talk.
-= rhymes =-= 78 =------------------------------------------------------------
Willie fell down the elevator,
Wasn't found 'till six days later.
Then the neighbors sniffed, "Gee whiz!
What a spoiled child Willie is!"
-= rhymes =-= 79 =------------------------------------------------------------
Willie in the cauldron fell;
See the grief on mother's brow!
Mother loved her Darling well,
Willie's quite hard-boiled by now.
-= rhymes =-= 80 =------------------------------------------------------------
Willie's cute as cute can be.
Beneath his brother, only three,
He lit a stick of dynamite.
Now brother's simply out of sight.
-= rhymes =-= 81 =------------------------------------------------------------
Willie, I regret to state,
Cut his sister up for bait.
We miss her when it's time to dine,
But Willie's fish taste simply fine.
-= rhymes =-= 82 =------------------------------------------------------------
Willie's on the railroad track
The engine gave a squeal.
The engineer just took a spade,
And scraped him off the wheel.
-= rhymes =-= 83 =------------------------------------------------------------
When I die, I want to go peacefully.
In my sleep.
Like my grandfather.
Not screaming,
Like the passengers in his car.
-= rhymes =-= 84 =------------------------------------------------------------
The birds may kiss the bees goodbye,
The buttercup...the butterfly.
The morning dew may kiss the grass,
And you my friend, may kiss my ass.
-= rhymes =-= 85 =------------------------------------------------------------
Oh give me a home, where the buffalo roam,
Where the deer and the antelope play.
Where seldom is heard,
A discouraging word,
After all, just what can an antelope say?
-= rhymes =-= 86 =------------------------------------------------------------
To market, to market
To buy a fat pig,
Home again, home again
Jiggity jig.
To market, to market
To buy a fat hog,
Home again, home again
Jiggity jog.
To market, to market
To buy a shot gun,
Bangity, Bangity
Market's all done.
-= rhymes =-= 87 =------------------------------------------------------------
Spellbound
I have a spelling checker,
It came with my PC;
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I cannot sea.
I've run this poem threw it,
I'm sure your please too no,
Its letter perfect in it's weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.
-= rhymes =-= 88 =------------------------------------------------------------
My Spelling Checker
I have a spelling checker
It came with my PC
It plane lee marks for my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot sea.
Eye ran this pome rite threw it,
Your sure reel glad two no.
Its vary polished in its weigh --
My checker tolled me sew.
A checker is a bless sing
It freeze ewe lodes of thyme.
It helps me right, awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.
Each frays come posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours ore every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.
Be fore a veiling checkers,
Hour spelling mite decline,
And if were lacks or have a laps,
We wood be made to wine.
Butt now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
Their are know faults with in my cite,
Of non eye am a wear.
Now spelling does knot phase me,
It does knot bring a tier.
My pay purrs awl due glad den
With wrapped words fare as hear.
To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should bee proud.
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.
Sew ewe can sea why eye dew prays
Such soft wear four pea sees.
And why I brake in two averse
By righting want too pleas.
-= rhymes =-= 89 =------------------------------------------------------------
Hush little baby, don't say a word,
Daddy's gonna buy you a mockingbird,
And if that mockingbird don't sing,
Daddy's gonna buy you a diamond ring.
And if that diamond ring don't shine,
Daddy's gonna buy you a silver mine,
And if that silver mine caves in,
Daddy's gonna buy you a violin.
And if that violin don't play,
Daddy's gonna buy you RCA,
And if RCA goes broke,
Daddy's gonna buy you an artichoke.
And if that artichoke goes rotten,
Daddy's gonna buy you the tomb of Akhenaten,
And if the tomb of Akhenaten's not for sale,
Daddy's gonna buy you a great blue whale.
And if that great blue whale's extinct,
Daddy's gonna buy you a wig that's kinked,
And if that wig that's kinked is too ratty,
Daddy's gonna buy you a '31 Bugatti.
And if that '31 Bugatti won't run,
Daddy's gonna buy you Attila the Hun,
And if Attila waxes wroth,
Daddy's gonna buy you a three-toed sloth.
And if that three-toed sloth's a bore,
Daddy's gonna buy you the Koh-i-noor,
And if the Koh-i-noor is flawed,
Daddy's gonna buy you a lightning rod.
And if that lightning rod's too shocking,
Daddy's gonna buy you a body stocking,
And if that body stocking is inappropriate,
Daddy's gonna buy you a mild opiate.
And if the cops haul Daddy in,
Momma's gonna buy you a rabbit skin,
For to wrap my baby dumpling in!
-= rhymes =-= 90 =------------------------------------------------------------
A man's occupation
Is to stick his cockulation
Up the woman's ventilation
To increase the population
Of the coming generation
-= rhymes =-= 91 =------------------------------------------------------------
Roses are violet
Reds are blue
I'm a dyslexic
And stuff too you
-= rhymes =-= 92 =------------------------------------------------------------
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Some poems rhyme
But this one doesn't
-= rhymes =-= 93 =------------------------------------------------------------
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm a schizophrenic
And so am I.
-= rhymes =-= 94 =------------------------------------------------------------
Roses are red
Violets are blue,
I'm amnesiac,
And ...
-= rhymes =-= 95 =------------------------------------------------------------
Roses are red
Violets are blue
That's what they tell me
Because I'm blind.
-= rhymes =-= 96 =------------------------------------------------------------
Roses are red
Violets are for plucking
Girls out of high school
Are ready for college
-= rhymes =-= 97 =------------------------------------------------------------
Andrew Dice Clay version:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I fucked your mother in the ass
And she had you
-= rhymes =-= 98 =------------------------------------------------------------
If all the seas were ink,
And all the reeds were pens,
And all the skies were parchment,
And all the men could write,
These would not suffice
To write down all the red tape
Of this Government.
From "The Source" by James A. Michener
-= rhymes =-= 99 =------------------------------------------------------------
The Chaos (by G. Nolst Trenit=E9, a.k.a. "Charivarius"; 1870 - 1946)
Dearest creature in creation
Studying English pronunciation,
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse and worse
I will keep you, Susy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye your dress you'll tear,
So shall I! Oh, hear my prayer,
Pray, console your loving poet,
Make my coat look new, dear, sew it!
Just compare heart, beard and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it's written).
Made has not the sound of bade,
Say said, pay - paid, laid, but plaid.
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as vague and ague,
But be careful how you speak,
Say break, steak, but bleak and streak.
Previous, precious, fuchsia, via,
Pipe, snipe, recipe and choir,
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, shoe, poem, toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery:
Daughter, laughter and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles.
Exiles, similes, reviles.
Wholly, holly, signal, signing.
Thames, examining, combining
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war, and far.
From "desire": desirable, admirable from "admire."
Lumber, plumber, bier, but brier.
Chatham, brougham, renown, but known.
Knowledge, done, but gone and tone,
One, anemone. Balmoral.
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel,
Gertrude, German, wind, and mind.
Scene, Melpomene, mankind,
Tortoise, turquoise, chamois - leather,
Reading, reading, heathen, heather.
This phonetic labyrinth
Gives moss, gross, brook, brooch, ninth, plinth.
Billet does not end like ballet;
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet;
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Banquet is not nearly parquet,
Which is said to rime with "darky."
Viscous, Viscount, load, and broad.
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation's O.K.,
When you say correctly: croquet.
Rounded, wounded, grieve, and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive, and live,
Liberty, library, heave, and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven,
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the difference, moreover,
Between mover, plover, Dover,
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police, and lice.
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label,
Petal, penal, and canal,
Wait, surmise, plait, promise, pal.
Suit, suite, ruin, circuit, conduit,
Rime with "shirk it" and "beyond it."
But it is not hard to tell,
Why it's pall, mall, but Pall Mall.
Muscle, muscular, gaol, iron,
Timber, climber, bullion, lion,
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, and chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor,
Ivy, privy, famous, clamour
And enamour rime with hammer.
Pussy, hussy, and possess,
Desert, but dessert, address.
Golf, wolf, countenance, lieutenants.
Hoist, in lieu of flags, left pennants.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rime with anger.
Neither does devour with clangour.
Soul, but foul and gaunt but aunt.
Font, front, won't, want, grand, and grant.
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say: finger.
And then: singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, age.
Query does not rime with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post; and doth, cloth, loth;
Job, Job; blossom, bosom, oath.
Though the difference seems little,
We say actual, but victual.
Seat, sweat; chaste, caste.; Leigh, eight, height;
Put, nut; granite, and unite.
Reefer does not rime with deafer,
Feoffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Dull, bull, Geoffrey, George, ate, late,
Hint, pint, Senate, but sedate.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific,
Tour, but our and succour, four,
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, guinea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria,
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean,
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.
Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion with battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, key, quay.
Say aver, but ever, fever.
Neither, leisure, skein, receiver.
Never guess - it is not safe:
We say calves, valves, half, but Ralph.
Heron, granary, canary,
Crevice and device, and eyrie,
Face but preface, but efface,
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust, and scour, but scourging,
Ear but earn, and wear and bear
Do not rime with here, but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew, Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, clerk, and jerk,
Asp, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.
Pronunciation - think of psyche!
Is a paling, stout and spikey,
Won't it make you lose your wits,
Writing "groats" and saying "grits"?
It's a dark abyss or tunnel,
Strewn with stones, like rowlock, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict, and indict!
Don't you think so, reader, rather,
Saying lather, bather, father?
Finally: which rimes with "enough"
Though, through, plough, cough, hough, or tough?
Hiccough has the sound of "cup."
My advice is - give it up!
-= rhymes =-= 100 =------------------------------------------------------------
Someday
I "wanta" stay in bed
Dad says I "have ta" get up and wash my head
I "wanta" go out and play
Mom says I "have ta" eat breakfast to start the day
I "wanta" play in the pool
Dad says I "have ta" go to school
I "wanta" go to the stores
Mom says I "have ta" stay indoors
I "wanta" just munch
Dad says I "have ta" eat a full lunch
I "wanta" go out and play with my bat
Mom says I "have ta" take a nap
I "wanta" play with my baby nurse
Dad says I "have ta" clean my room first
I "wanta" stay out a little longer, no big deal
Mom says I "have ta" come in and eat my evening meal
I "wanta" go play in the park
DAd says I "have ta" stay in because it's dark
I "wanta" run the computer to do some math
Mom says I "have ta" take my bath
I "wanta" stay up and play with my doll kate
Dad says I "have ta" go to bed that's it too late
Someday, someday, if I don't go insane
What I "wanta" do and what I "have ta" do will be the same
-= rhymes =-= 101 =------------------------------------------------------------
Le Jaseroque
Il brilgue; les toves lubricilleux
Se gyrent en vrillant dans le guave,
Enmimes sont les gougebosqueux,
Et le momerade horgrave.
Garde-toi du Jaseroque, mon fils!
La gueule qui mord; la griffe qui prend!
Garde-toi de l'oiseau Jube, evite
Le frumieux Band-a-prend.
- first 2 stanzas of the translation by Frank L. Warrin of Lewis Carroll's "The
Jabberwocky", "The New Yorker", January 10, 1931
-= rhymes =-= 102 =------------------------------------------------------------
"My lips are red," the lady said
"I'd like for you to look
Not the ones upon my face,
The ones within my nook."
"Any pain?" the doctor asked.
"Any rash or swell?"
"Not a thing," she said to him,
Yet something is not well.
With trusty mirror in my hand,
Upon the folds I gazed.
Through the tangled matted hair,
The labial lips I raised.
What a sight to greet my eye!
What a lovely thing to see!
Flaming red, the tissues were
(Or so they seemed to me)
"Let us have a look," he said.
"Open wide the door."
She opened up the pearly gates
And bared the pelvic floor.
"There's nothing here that I can see
To cause you pain and strife.
My advice to you," he said,
"Is, Lady, get a life!"
-= rhymes =-= 103 =------------------------------------------------------------
The sun was shining brightly,
And I could hardly wait,
To ponder at my window,
And gaze at my estate.
My eyes fell on a little bird,
With a lovely yellow bill.
I beckoned him to come and sit,
Upon my window sill.
I smiled at him most cheerfully,
And gave him a crust of bread.
Then I quickly closed the window,
And crushed his fucking head!
-= rhymes =-= 104 =------------------------------------------------------------
I was strollin' through the park one day,
In the merry merry month of May.
Looked up in a tree, and what did I see?
A god damned monkey trying to piss on me!
I picked up a rock
And hit him in the crock,
The god damned monkey did a belly flop.
I got out my gun
And shot him in the balls,
And now I've got the damn monkey up on the wall!
-= rhymes =-= 105 =------------------------------------------------------------
Ode To Sunrise
Dawn breaks sky
Waves break shore
Birdcalls break silence
Fish breaks water
I break wind
-= rhymes =-= 106 =------------------------------------------------------------
Have you ever seen Sally McWhorter,
She pisses a mightiful stream;
She pisses a mile and a quarter,
And you can't see her ass for the steam.
-= rhymes =-= 107 =------------------------------------------------------------
To err is human, to forgive divine.
To err is human, to purr feline.
To err is human, two curs canine.
To err is human, to do nothing, benign.
To err is human, to quit, resign.
To err is human, to howl about it, lupine.
To err is human, to solve it, design.
To err is human, to admit it, asinine.
To err is human, to moo bovine.
-= rhymes =-= 108 =------------------------------------------------------------
Here is to the women in the red shoes.
She drinks our liqueur, she drinks our booze.
She has no cherry, but that is no sin.
She still has the box that it came in.
-= rhymes =-= 109 =------------------------------------------------------------
The Ballad Of Eskimo Nell
When a man grows old, and his balls grow cold,
And the tip of his prick turns blue,
When it's bent in the middle, like a one-stringed fiddle,
He can tell a yarn or two.
So find me a seat, and buy me a beer,
And a tale to you I'll tell,
Of Dead-eye Dick and Mexico Pete,
And gentle Eskimo Nell.
Now when Dead-eye Dick and Mexico Pete
Go forth in search of fun,
It's usually Dick who wields the prick
And Mexico Pete the gun.
And when Dead-eye Dick and Mexico Pete
Are sore, depressed and sad,
Tis always a cunt that bears the brunt,
So the shooting ain't so bad.
Now Dead-eye Dick and Mexico Pete
Had been hunting in Dead-mans Creek,
And they had no luck, in the way of a fuck,
For nigh on half a week.
Just a Moose or two, or a Caribou,
Or a Bison cow or so,
And for Dead-eye Dick with his tingly prick,
His fucking was mighty slow.
So do or dare, this horny pair
Set out for the Rio Grandee,
Dead-eye Dick with his muscular prick,
And Pete with gun in hand.
They blazed a randy trail,
That no man in their path withstood,
And many a bride, who was hubby's pride,
Knew pregnant widowhood.
They made the strand on the Rio Grandee
At the height of a blazing noon,
And to slake their thirst, and do their worst,
They sought Black Mike's saloon.
As swing doors opened wide
Both prick and gun flashed free.
"According to sex, you bleeding wrecks,
You drink or fucks with me."
Now they'd heard of the prick called Dead-eye Dick
From the Horn to Panama
And with nothing worst than a muttered curse
Those cowhands sought the bar.
The woman knew his playful ways
Down on the Rio Grandee,
And forty whores took down their drawers
At Dead-eye Dick's command.
They saw the finger of Mexico Pete
Twitch on the trigger grip,
T'was death to wait, at a fearful rate
Those whores began to strip.
Now Dead-eye Dick was breathing quick
With lecherous snorts and grunts,
As forty arses were bared to view,
And likewise, forty cunts.
Now forty arses and forty cunts,
You'll see if you use your wits,
And rattle a bit of arithmetic,
That's likewise eighty tits.
Now eighty tits is a gladsome sight
For a man with a raging stand,
They may be rare in Berkeley square,
But not on the Rio Grandee.
Now Dead-eye Dick had fucked a few
On the last preceding night,
This he had done to taste the fun,
And to whet his appetite.
His phallic limb was in fucking trim,
So he backed and took a run,
He makes a dart at the nearest tart,
And scores a bull in one.
He bore her to the sandy floor
And fucked her deep and fine,
And though she grinned it put the wind
Up the other thirty-nine.
When Dead-eye Dick lets loose his prick,
He's got no time to spare,
For speed and strength, combined with length
He fairly singes hair.
Our Dead-eyed Dick, he fucks 'em quick,
So flinging the first aside,
He makes a grin at the second quim,
When the swing doors open wide.
And into the den of sin and vice,
Into harlots hell,
Strode a gentile maid who was unafraid,
And her name was Eskimo Nell.
Our Dead-eye Dick who fucks 'em quick
Was well into number two,
When Eskimo Nell lets out a yell,
And says to him -"Hey ,you!
The hefty lout, he turned about,
Both face and knob were red,
With a single flick of his mighty prick,
The tart flew over his head.
But Eskimo Nell, she stood it well,
And looked him in the eyes,
With utmost scorn, she eyed the horn
That rose from his hairy thighs.
She blew a puff from her cigarette,
Onto his steaming knob;
So utterly beat was Mexico Pete,
He forgot to do his job.
It was Eskimo Nell who broke the spell,
In accent calm and cool -
"You cunt struck shrimp of a Yankee pimp,
Do you call that thing a tool?"
"If this here town can take that down ,"
She sneered to the cowering whores .
"there's one little cunt that can do that stunt,
It's Eskimo Nell's, not yours."
She shed her garments one by one,
With an air of conscious pride,
Til at last she stood, in womanhood,
And they saw the great divide.
She laid right down on the table top,
Where someone had left a glass,
With a twitch of her twits, she crushed it to bits,
Between the cheeks of her ass.
She bent her knees, with supple ease,
And opened her legs apart,
With a final nod to the randy sod,
She gave him the cue to start.
But Dead-eye Dick with his king of a prick,
Prepares to take his time,
For a girl like this was fucking bliss,
So he staged a pantomime.
He winked his arsehole in and out,
And made his balls inflate,
Until they looked like granite knobs,
On top of a garden gate.
He rubbed his foreskin up and down,
His knob increased in size,
His mighty prick grew twice as thick,
And almost reached his eyes.
He polished the rod with rum and gob,
To make it steaming hot,
And to finish the job, he sprinkled the knob,
With a cayenne pepper pot.
He didn't back to take a run,
Nor yet a flying leap,
But bent right down and came alongside,
With a steady forward creep.
Then he took a sight, as a gunman might,
Along his mighty tool,
And shoved his lust, with a dexterous thrust -
Firm, calculated and cool.
If you've seen the pistons,
Of the giant C.P.R,
With the pushing force of a thousand horse,
You know what pistons are.
Or you think you do, but you've yet to learn,
The awe-inspiring trick,
Of work that's done on a non-stop run,
By a man like Dead-eye Dick.
But Eskimo Nell was an infidel,
She equalled a whole harem,
With the strength of ten in her abdomen,
And her rock of ages beam.
Amidships she could stand the rush,
Like the flush of a water closet,
So she grasped his cock like the Chatswood lock
On the National safe deposit.
But Dead-eye Dick would not come quick,
He meant to conserve his powers.
He had a mind, to grind and grind,
For a couple of solid hours.
She lay for a while, with a subtle smile,
While the grip of her cunt grew keener,
Then giving a sigh, she sucked him dry,
With the ease of a vacuum cleaner.
She performed this feat in a way so neat,
As to set a complete defiance,
The primary cause and basic laws,
That govern sexual science.
He calmly rode through the phallic code,
Which for years had stood the test,
And the ancient rule of the classic school,
In a moment or two went west.
And now my friend, we draw an end,
Of this copulating epic,
The effect on Dick was sudden and quick,
And akin to anesthetic
He slipped to the floor and knew no more,
His passion extinct and dead,
He didn't shout as his tool came out,
It was stripped down to a thread.
Mexico Pete, he sprang to his feet,
To avenge his pal's affront,
With a fearful jolt, he drew his Colt,
And rammed it up her cunt.
He shoved it up to the trigger grip,
And fired twice times three,
But to his surprise, she rolled her eyes,
And smiled in ecstasy.
She leaped to her feet, with a smile so sweet -
"Bully !" she said, " for you,
Though I might have guessed it's about the best,
You phoney lechers do."
When next your friend and you intend,
To sally forth for fun,
Buy Dead-eye Dick a sugar stick,
And get your self a bun.
I'm going back to the frozen north,
To the land where spunk is spunk,
Not a trickling stream of lukewarm cream,
But a sol id frozen chunk.
Back to the land where they understand,
What it is to fornicate,
Where even the dead sleep two in a bed,
And infants copulate.
Back to the land of the mighty stand,
Where the nights are six months long,
Where the polar bear wanks off in his lair,
That's where they'll sing this song.
They'll tell this tale on the arctic trail,
Where the nights are sixty below,
Where it's so damn cold french letters are sold,
Wrapped in a ball of snow.
In the valley of death, with bated breath,
It's where we sing it too,
Where the skeletons rattle, in sexual battle,
And the mouldering corpses screw.
A verse of appreciation.
When a man grows old, and his balls grow cold,
And the tip of his prick turns blue,
And the hole in the middle refuses to piddle,
I'd say he's fucked, wouldn't you?
The end.
-= rhymes =-= 110 =------------------------------------------------------------
O what a luxury it be
How exquisite, what perfect bliss
So ordinary and yet chic
To pee to piss to take a leak
To feel your bladder just go free
And open up the Mighty Miss
And all your cares float down the creek
To pee to piss to take a leak
For gentlemen of great physique
Who can hold water for one week
For ladies who one-quarter cup
Of tea can fill completely up
For folks in urinalysis
For Viennese and Greek and Swiss
For little kids just learning this
For everyone it's pretty great
To urinate
Of course for men it's much more grand
Women sit or squat
We stand
And hold the fellow in our hand
And proudly watch the mighty arc
Adjust the range and make our mark
On stones or posts for rival men
To smell and not come back again
Women are so circumspect
But men can piss to great effect
With terrible hydraulic force
Can make a stream or change its course
Can put out fires or cigarettes
And sometimes
Laying down our bets
Late at night outside the
Bars
We like to aim up at the stars.
Author unknown
-= rhymes =-= 111 =------------------------------------------------------------
An accusation I always hated,
Is "You're a couch potato!"
That it was false, I never doubted,
Until the day I noticed I'd sprouted.
-= rhymes =-= 112 =------------------------------------------------------------
Hamlet (Condensed to three minutes)
by Adam MacNaughton.
(as sung by Michael Carthy to the tune Mason's Apron)
There was a king nodding in his garden all alone
When his brother in his ear poured a little bit of henbane
Stole his brother's crown and his money and his widow
But the dead king walked and got his son and said "Now listen kiddo,
I've been killed and it's your duty to take revenge on Claudius,
Kill him quick and clean and tell the nation what a fraud he is."
The kid says, "Right, I'll do it but I'll have to play it crafty,
So that no one will suspect me I'll kid on that I'm a dafty"
So for all except Horatio, and he counts him as a friend,
Hamlet, that's the kid, he kids on he's round the bend
And because he's not yet willing for obligatory killing
He tries to make his uncle think he's tuppence off a shilling.
Takes a rise out of Polonius, treats poor Ophelia vile,
Tells Rosencranz and Guildenstern that Denmark's blooded bile
Till a troupe of traveling actors like seven eighty four
Arrive to do a special one night gig in Elsinore.
Hamlet, Hamlet, acting balmy
Hamlet, Hamlet, loves his mommy
Hamlet, Hamlet hesitating
He wonders if the ghost's a fake and that is why he's waiting
So Hamlet wrote a scene for the players to enact
So Horatio and him could watch to see if Claudius cracked
The play was called "The Mousetrap," not the one that's running now,
And sure enough, the king walked out before the scene was through
So Hamlet's got the proof his uncle gave his dad the dose,
The only problem being now that Claudius knows he knows,
So while Hamlet tells his mother her new husband's not a fit man
Uncle Claude takes out a contract with the English king as hit man.
Then when Hamlet killed Polonius, the concealed corpus delecti
Was the the king's excuse to send for an English hempen necktie
With Rosencranz and Guildenstern to make quite sure he got there
But Hamlet jumped the boat and put the finger straight on that pair.
When Laertes heard his dad was killed in the bedroom of the heiress
He came running back to Elsinore tout-suite hot foot from Paris
When Ophelia heard her dad's killed by the man she was to marry
After saying it with flowers she committed hari-kari.
Hamlet, Hamlet no messin'
Hamlet, Hamlet learned his lesson
Hamlet, Hamlet Yorick's crust
Convinced him all men good and bad at last must come to dust.
Then Laertes lost his cool and was demanding retribution,
The king said keep your head and I'll supply you a solution
So the king arranged a swordfight for the interested parties
With a blunted sword for Hamlet and a sharp sword for Laertes
And to to make double sure (the old belt-and-braces line)
He fixed up a poisoned sword-tip and a poisoned cup of wine
The poisoned sword got Hamlet but Laertes went and fluffed it
Because he got stabbed himself and he confessed before he snuffed it.
Then Hamlet's mummy drank the wine and as her face turned blue,
Hamlet said, "I think this king's a baddie through and through."
"Incestuous murderous damned Dane," he said to be precise
Then made up for hesitating once by killing Claudius twice.
He stabbed him with his knife and forced the wine between his lips
Then he said, "The rest is silence," and he cashed in all his chips.
They fired a volley over him that shook the topmost rafter
And then Fortinbras, knee-deep in Danes, lived happy ever after.
Hamlet, Hamlet, end of story
Hamlet, Hamlet, very gory
Hamlet, Hamlet, I'm on my way
And if you thought that was confusing you should read the bloody play.
-= rhymes =-= 113 =------------------------------------------------------------
Reincarnation
By Wallace McCray
Cowboy Poet, Billings, MT
"What is reincarnation?" the cowboy asked his friend.
"It starts," his old pard told him, "when your life comes to an end.
They comb your hair and wash your neck and clean your fingernails,
And they put you in a padded box, away from life's travails."
"Now the box and you goes down in a hole that's been dug in the ground,
And reincarnation set in when you're planted beneath that mound.
The clods melts down just like the box and you who is inside,
And that's when you're beginnin' your transformation ride."
"Now in awhile the grass may grow upon your rendered mound,
Until someday upon that spot a lowly flower is found.
And then a hoss may wander by and graze upon that flower,
That once was you but now's become your vegetative bower."
"Now the flower that the hoss done et, along with his other feed,
Makes bone and fat and muscle essential to the steed.
But there's a part that he can't use, and so it passes through,
And there it lies upon the ground, this thing that once was you."
"And if perchance I should pass by and see this on the ground,
I'll stop awhile and ponder at this object that I've found.
And I'll think about reincarnation and life and death and such,
And I'll come away concludin', you ain't changed all that much.
-= rhymes =-= 114 =------------------------------------------------------------
The Best Line Yet
In Stamford, at the edge of town, a giant statue stands:
An iron eagle sternly clasps the crag with crooked hands.
His pedestal is twenty feet, full thirty feet is he.
His head alone weighs many times as much as you or me.
All day, all night he keeps his watch and never stirs a feather.
His frowning brow glares straight ahead into the foulest weather.
They say this noble bird will spread his iron wings and fly
The day a virgin graduates from Stamford Senior High.
O, evil day when he shall rise above the peaceful town,
Endanger airplanes, frighten children, drop foul tonnage down!
So let not this accipiter desert his silent vigil,
But yield to me my darling, Stamford's finest, Susan Kitchell.
- Edward Allen
-= rhymes =-= 115 =------------------------------------------------------------
Did you ever think as a hearse goes by
That you may be the next to die?
They dress you up in a new clean shirt
And soon they'll cover you up with dirt.
They wrap you up in a clean white sheet
And bury you in the ground six feet.
And all goes well for about a week,
Until your coffin begins to leak.
The worms crawl in and the worms crawl out,
In your stomach and out your snout,
They eat your eyes, they eat your nose,
They eat the jelly between your toes.
They eat your coat, they eat your hat,
They go in skinny and come out fat.
Your liver turns a moldy green,
Your guts pop out like whipping cream.
You spread it on a slice of bread;
Because that's what you eat when you are dead.
Your eyes fall out and your teeth decay,
And that's the end of a perfect day.
So don't you laugh when the hearse goes by
Because you might be the next to die.
-= rhymes =-= 116 =------------------------------------------------------------
Great big gobs of greasy grimy gopher guts
Mutilated monkey meat
Itsy bitsy birdie's feet
French fried eyeballs
Rolling down a dirty street
Regurgitate, regurgitate
Throw up everything you ate!
-= rhymes =-= 117 =------------------------------------------------------------
From Monty Python:
"A Port Shoem" by the Speverend Rooner
I've a Gouse and Harden in the country,
An ace I call my plown,
A treat I can replace to,
When I beed to nee alone,
Catterfly and butterpillar
Berch on peefy lough
And I listen to the dats and cogs
As they mark and they biaow.
Yes wature here is nunderful
There is no weed for nords
While silling by my windowflutter
Biny little tirds.
-= rhymes =-= 118 =------------------------------------------------------------
Diarrhea
Diarrhea, diarrhea!
Ughh, ughh!
Diarrhea, diarrhea!
Ughh, ughh!
Some people think it's funny,
But it's really green and runny!
-= rhymes =-= 119 =------------------------------------------------------------
Diarrhea
By a Northern Michigan comedy band called "Da Yoopers"
I know it's getting late and I know we had a date Lucia
I hate to make you wait cause it would be so great to see ya
Tears fall from my eyes and I must apologize Lucia
I'll have to stay at home so I called you on the phone
Cause I'm stuck here on the throne with diarrhea.
I thought it was only gas
So I went and let one pass
Then I stood there in a trance
As I filled my brand new pants
My mother brought me soup but it only made me poop Lucia
I never should have ate but it sounded like a great idea
You know it really hurts when you got the hershey squirts Lucia
There's no paper to be seen so I used people magazine
And it makes me want to scream diarrhea
I love you dear with all my hear
But I can't go out with liquid farts
I wouldn't have to break you date
If only I could constipate
I know you got the hots but I really got the trots Lucia
There's no need to scream and shout
Cause tomorrow we'll go out I guarantee ya
I know you need your man so I came up with a plan Lucia
I'll take a cork and super glue pound it in there with my shoe
And then I'll be all through with diarrhea.
-= rhymes =-= 120 =------------------------------------------------------------
Diarrhea, diarrhea
No pain no strain
Just let it drain
Diarrhea, diarrhea
Not green nor blue
Just sloppy poo
-= rhymes =-= 121 =------------------------------------------------------------
When I was young, I had no sense.
I took a girl behind a fence.
I gave her a shilling,
And she was willing.
I gave her a pound,
And she lay on the ground.
I tickled her back,
And she opened her crack,
And that's where I stuck my Union Jack!
-= rhymes =-= 122 =------------------------------------------------------------
Starkle, starkle, little twink.
Who the hell you are I think!
Some thinkle peep I'm under
The alkafluence of inkahol,
But who damns a give?
I've got all day sober to Monday up
It's just the drunker I sit here,
The longer I get!
-= rhymes =-= 123 =------------------------------------------------------------
My uncle had a beer gut that weighed two hundred pounds
He used a wheelbarrow to haul it into town
They treat him like a king when he walks into Woody's bar
His beer gut pays for lights and heat and Woody's brand new car
Nudsie got a beer gut that gets bigger every year
Since Nudsie gave up lifting weights and started hoisting beer
He was lying on the beach one day, the sun kept getting hotter
Some save the whale freaks came and dragged him back into the water
Beer guts of America stand up if you can
Stick out your big beer gut and hoist a cool one in your hand
Your beer gut is your buddy, it's a friend who's always near
And all you ever have to do is feed it lots of beer
Mungo drank a pony keg at Droopy Aho's wedding
His eyes went rolling round and round and then he started sweating
He tripped on Duck and Fuzz 'cause they were passed out on the floor
He landed on his beer gut and he bounced right out the door
I took my date into the sauna and on the bench we sat
She pointed and she said "I've never seen one big as that."
She held it and she stroked it and she told me with a smile,
"Body builders make me sick, but beer guts drive me wild."
Beer guts of America stand up if you can
Stick out your big beer gut and hoist a cool one in your hand
Your beer gut is your buddy, it's a friend who's always near
And all you ever have to do is feed it lots of beer
-= rhymes =-= 124 =------------------------------------------------------------
May the bleeding piles possess you and adorn your bloody feet,
May crabs the size of horse turds crawl up your legs to eat.
And when you're old and feeble, and nothing but a bloody wreck,
May your head fall through your asshole, and break your fucking neck!
-= rhymes =-= 125 =------------------------------------------------------------
The Split-Atom Blues
Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine,
Gimme jeans by Calvin Klein...
But if you split those atoms fine,
Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine!
Gimme zits, take my dough,
Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll...
Call the devil and sell my soul,
But Mama keep dem atoms whole!
- Milo Bloom, "Bloom County"
-= rhymes =-= 126 =------------------------------------------------------------
One bright day
In the middle of the night
Two dead mean
Got up to fight
Back to back
They faced each other
Drawed their swords
And shot each other
If you don't believe
This lie is true
Ask the blind man
He saw it too.
-= rhymes =-= 127 =------------------------------------------------------------
All things dull and ugly, all creatures short and squat,
All things rude and nasty, the Lord God made the lot;
Each little snake that poisons, each little wasp that stings,
He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings.
All things sick and cancerous, all evil great and small,
All things foul and dangerous, the Lord God made them all.
Each nasty little hornet, each beastly little squid.
Who made the spikey urchin? who made the sharks? He did.
All things scabbed and ulcerous, All pox both great and small.
Putrid, foul and gangrenous, the Lord God made them all.
- Monty Python's Flying Circus
-= rhymes =-= 128 =------------------------------------------------------------
Clone Of My Own
(sung to the tune of "Home On The Range")
Oh, give me a clone
Of my own flesh and bone
With the Y chromosome changed to X.
And when she is grown,
My very own clone,
We'll be of the opposite sex.
Chorus:
Clone, clone of my own,
With the Y chromosome changed to X.
And when we're alone,
Since her mind is my own,
She'll be thinking of nothing but sex.
- Randall Garrett
-= rhymes =-= 129 =------------------------------------------------------------
Clone Of My Own
(sung to the tune of "My Favorite Things")
Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers
Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars
Reds and peyote to work out your bugs
These are a few of my favorite drugs.
Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout
Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out
Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs
These are a few of my favorite drugs.
Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys
Users of heroin, often called junkies
Methadone helps then to stop being thugs
Takes them off one of my favorite drugs.
On a bad trip
When the cops come
When I lose my head
I simply take more of my favorite drugs
And then I'm not sad, I'm dead!
-= rhymes =-= 130 =------------------------------------------------------------
Twas orgy, and the hip and mod
And as in raffish thought he sprawled,
Did groove and trip out at the pad:
The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt,
All whimsy were the slamming chicks,
Crept past the hippies getting balled
And the Radcliffe undergrad.
And doffed her miniskirt.
"Beware the Radcliffe girl, my son!
One, two! One, two! And through
The looks that melt, the claws that catch!
The venerable staff went snicker-snack!
Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun
He left her bred, sans maidenhead,
The uppity Wellesleysnatch!
And went galumphing back.
He took his venerable staff in hand:
"And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl?
Long time the cool young stuff he
Come to my arms, my horny boy!
sought, O spaced-out day! Calooh! Callay!"
So rested he among the spree
He cackled in his joy.
And paused to smoke some pot.
Twas orgy, and the hip and mod
Did groove and trip out at the pad:
All whimsy were the slamming chicks,
And the Radcliffe undergrad.
-= rhymes =-= 131 =------------------------------------------------------------
I was born about ten thousand years ago,
And there ain't nothing I don't know.
I saw Peter, Paul and Moses playing ring-around-the-roses,
And I'll whip anyone who says it isn't so!
I saw Satan when he looked the garden o'er,
I saw Eve and Adam driven from the door.
From behind the bushes I was peeping
Saw the apple they were eating,
And I'll swear I was the one who ate the CORE!
I taught Samson how to use his mighty hands,
Showed Columbus how to reach this happy land.
And for Pharaoh's little kiddies,
I built all the pyramides,
And to the Sahara carried all the sand.
I saw Nero fiddling when he burnt up Rome;
I told him it looked like his future home.
When he had the nerve to swear,
I dragged him from his chair!
And broke a Pilsner bottle on his dome.
I remember when the country had a king,
I saw Cleopatra pawn her wedding ring.
And I saw the flags a-flying
When George Washington stopped lying,
On the night when birds began to sing.
I saw Jonah when he embarked within the whale,
And thought he'd never live to tell the tale.
But old Jonah had eaten garlic,
And thus gave the whale the colic,
So he coughed him up and let him out of jail!
I saw Samson when he laid the village cold,
Saw Daniel tame the lions den in the hold.
Helped to build the tower of Babel
Up as high as they were able,
And there's lots of other things I haven't told!
- C Whelchel
-= rhymes =-= 132 =------------------------------------------------------------
From: Keith E Sullivan [dnwu64a@prodigy.com]
This poem was given to me by a British woman I worked with during "my" American
military tour of England. I hope you enjoy it.
The Invasion Of The Yanks
Dear old England's not the same.
We dreaded the invasion, still it came.
Though it's not the beastly Hun,
The goddamn Yankee Army's come.
We see them on the train and bus,
There isn't room for both of us.
We walk and let them have our seats
And then get knocked down by a jeep.
With admiration we would stare
At all the ribbons the Yanks do wear.
We think of deeds so brave and daring
That won those ribbons they are wearing.
But alas they hadn't fought the Hun,
No glorious battles have they won.
That pretty ribbon just denotes
They crossed the sea, brave men in boats.
They laugh at us for drinking tea,
But a funnier sight you'll never see
Than a gum chewing Yank with a dumb looking face,
He'd raise a laugh most any place.
They moan about our luke warm beer,
Say beer's like water over here.
Yet after having two or more
We find them lying on the floor.
You should see them try to dance,
They pull and hug and strut and prance.
When you're half-dead they stop and smile
And say "how you doin', honey chil'".
It's enough to make Red Indians jealous
But Yanks are so civilized, so they tell us.
They will tell you, you have teeth like pearls,
They love your hair, the way it curls,
Your eyes would dim the brightened star,
You're competition for Heddy Lamar.
You are their love, their life, 'til death do part,
But if you love them, they'll break your heart.
For there they leave you, broken hearted,
The camp has moved, your love departed.
You'll wait for mail that will never come
And then you realise you were awfully dumb.
For in a different town, in a different place
With a different girl with a different face
"I love you, honey, please be mine",
The same old Yank, the same old line.
Written in 194? and recited by Barbara Telford, who lived in a sleepy little
town with a population of under 2,000 when over 6,000 Americans arrived to wake
that little town up! God bless America.
-= rhymes =-= 133 =------------------------------------------------------------
Being a pirate is all fun and games,
Til somebody loses an eye.
It hurts like the blazes
And makes you make faces
And you can't let your mates see you cry.
Life seems two-dimensional,
Quite unconventional,
No bleeding need to ask why.
Being a pirate is all fun and games,
Til somebody loses an eye.
But it's all part of being a pirate.
You can't be a pirate (you can't be, you can't be)
With all of your parts.
It's all part of being a pirate.
You can't be a pirate (you can't be a pirate)
With all of your parts.
- Saskatchewan singer Don Freed from his song, "Being a Pirate" (on his tape
"Live ARR!" on Bushleague Records)
-= rhymes =-= 134 =------------------------------------------------------------
Ravin'
by Laverne Ruby
(from the Nutworks collection)
Once upon a midday dreary, while I pondered weak and weary,
Over many a quaint and curious volume of computer lore,
As I nodded, nearly snoring, suddenly there came a roaring,
As of someone gently boring, boring through tape number four.
"'Tis the octal load," I muttered, "reading cards into the core,
Only this and nothing more."
Ah, distinctly I'm recalling all about the sound appalling
And my skin began a-crawling as I heard that sound once more.
Eagerly I wished the morrow, vainly I had sought to borrow
From my booze surcease of sorrow, sorrow that I had this chore,
Working on this vile computer which the codes all deplore,
Nameless here forevermore.
Then the flutter, sad, unsteady, of the light that flashed, "Not Ready"
Thrilled me, filled me, with fantastic terrors never felt before;
And to still my heart's quick pounding, fiercely I began expounding
"'Tis the octal load resounding as it reads cards into core,
Just the octal load resounding as it reads cards into core,
It is this, and nothing more.
Presently my soul grew sicker, for the lights began to flicker,
And I thought I heard a snicker from behind the tape drive door.
Hereupon discarding my vanity, hoping but to save my sanity,
Uttered I some choice profanity of the rugged days of yore,
For the grim machine was looping! I, to display console, tore
Darkness there, and nothing more.
Deep into that blank scope staring, long I stood there, cursing, swearing,
Sobbing, screaming screams no mortal ever dared to scream before;
But the looping was unbroken, and the darkness gave no token,
And the only word there spoken was the whispered word (CENSORED),
This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the word (CENSORED),
Merely this, and nothing more,
Back then toward the printer speeding, all my soul within me bleeding,
Soon again I heard the roaring, somewhat louder than before.
"Surely," said I, "as sure as heck, something's wrong with my octal deck,
Let me see then, let me check, and this mystery explore
Let my heart be still a moment, and this mystery explore
'Tis the cards, and nothing more!"
Open here I flung a listing, with the noisy roar persisting,
Out there fluttered two control cards, cards I had forgot before;
Not the least deferment made I, not a moment stopped or stayed I,
Launching on a foul tirade, I started up the beast once more.
But, the monster, after reading both cards into the core,
Blinked, and sat, and nothing more.
Then this foul machine beguiling my sad fancy to reviling.
Turned I back toward the printer, answer then I did implore;
"Though my nerves are all a-splinter, thou," I said, "art sure no stinter,
Ghastly, grim and ancient printer, printer of computer lore.
Tell me what the trouble here is, for I surely need no more!"
Quoth the printer, "Nevermore!"
Much I marveled this contraption should give birth to such a caption,
Though it answer little meaning, little relevancy bore;
For it's sure that vile invective would deter the best detective,
Render such a one defective, stupid as a sophomore.
Why should such a steel invention as the printer on the floor,
Say such a word as "Nevermore?"
But the printer, sitting lonely on the concrete floor, spoke only
That one word as if by saying that one word it jinxed a score;
Nothing further then was written, and it purred on like a kitten,
Till I stood there, conscience-smitten, "Other woes were fixed before
On the morrow 'twill be ended, as my woes have flown before."
Quoth the printer, "Nevermore!"
Then I thought the air grew smoggy, presently my head grew groggy,
Gripped by madness, then I spoke, my voice containing thirst for gore,
"Beast!" I cried, "Let Satan take thee! Let the devil roast and bake thee!
After, get the fiends who make thee! Let them sizzle four by four!
Let them sizzle, boil, and sputter! Let them fry forevermore!"
Quoth the printer, "Nevermore!"
"Monster!" said I, "Thing of evil! Black invention of the devil!
By the Hell that fries below us, by the Fiend we both abhor!
Tell this soul with sorrow shackled, the meaning of the word you cackled.
What's this job that I have tackled, never mind the metaphor!
Tell me just wherein I've failed, by signal, sign, or semaphore!"
Quoth the printer, "Nevermore!"
"Stop repeating words inanely, ghastly fiend," I shrieked insanely.
"May the gods come and destroy thee, and my shattered nerves restore."
While I stood my curse invoking, suddenly I started choking,
For the printer started smoking, and I started for the door.
"I'll win yet, machine infernal!" This I said and this I swore.
Quoth the printer, "Nevermore!"
And the monster, always whooping, still is looping, still is looping,
In the self-same program looping, that elusive part the core.
And its lights have all the seeming of a demon that is scheming,
And the coders all blaspheming throw their programs on the floor
And my soul from out those programs that lie scattered on the floor,
Shall be lifted, nevermore!
-= rhymes =-= 135 =------------------------------------------------------------
50 Ways To Screw Your Lover
(with apologies to Paul Simon's "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover"
The problem is all to do with head she said to me
The answer is easy if you take it orally
I'd like to help you with your problem son tonight
There must be fifty ways to screw your lover
He said it's really not my habit to extrude
Furtermore, I hope my plumbing won't be lost or misconstrued
But I'll repeat myself at the risk of being crude
There must be fifty ways to screw your lover
There must be fifty ways to screw your lover
Just slip in the back, Jack
Give her the beef, Heath
Slip under the sheet, Pete
Use a bit more thrust, Gus
And a threesome with a dyke, Mike
Just make her wanna squeal, Neal
On her hands and knees, please!
Pump 'til it throbs, Bob
Stick it on the spike, Mike
And while riding a horse, Morris
Just get her in the anus, Enos
Make her real moist, Boyce
Feed her the meat, Pete
Do the body slam, Sam
And give her your all, Paul
Just mess up the bed, Fred
Put her on your crank, Frank
Use your cattle prod, Rod
Stick it in the crack, Jack
And watch out for those teeth, Heath!
Just perform a rim job, Bob
Don't touch the white string, Bing
Use a little more tongue, Chung
Make his helmet glow, Moe
And make it all wet, Brett
Just give it a lick, Nick
Do the whole dorm, Norm
Shove it in to the brim, Jim
Do it till they hurt, Kurt
And make her your slave, Dave
Just play the sexy games, James
Do it in the hall, Paul
Make her see the light, Dwight
Go and get bent, Kent
And stick it in the pot, Scott
Just have her do the bobbin, Robin
Stick it where it's rank, Hank
Go and make her bark, Mark
Screw her on the rug, Doug
And stick it where it's hairy, Larry
Just whip out your dick, Rick
Spunk on the tits, Fritz
Have her give head, Ed
Pump her *after* she farts, Bart
And wipe off the smeg, Greg
Just show her you're a man, Stan
No need to be coy, Roy
Go for the blond, John
Find a new hole, Joel
And pump out the juice, Bruce
She said it excites me so to see you in such pain
I wish there was something I could do to make you groan again
I said I appreciate that and dear, please explain
There must be fifty ways to screw your lover
She said why don't I just tie you up tongiht
And I believe that in the morning you'll put up less a fight
And then she blew me
And I realized she probably was right
There must be fifty ways to screw your lover
Fifty ways to screw your lover
-= rhymes =-= 136 =------------------------------------------------------------
]NEW[
Some girls use Vasaline
Some girls use lard
But Lulu uses axle grease
It makes 'em twice as hard.
-= rhymes =-= 137 =------------------------------------------------------------
]NEW[
Rich drive a Caddy
Poor girls drive a Ford,
Lulu Drives a Chevy,
The've both been stroked and bored!
-= rhymes =-= 138 =------------------------------------------------------------
]NEW[
Bang-Bang Lulu,
Bang away all day...
Who's gonna do the banging
When Lulu goes away?
-= rhymes =-= 139 =------------------------------------------------------------
]NEW[
Rich girls use a kotex
Poor girls use a rag
Lulu's so damn wide
She uses a burlap bag!
-= rhymes =-= 140 =------------------------------------------------------------
]NEW[
Philosopher's Drinking Song
Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
Who was very rarely stable,
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
Who could think you under the table,
David Hume, could out consume,
Schopenhauer and Hegel, [see note below]
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine,
Who was hust as sloshed as Schlegel.
There's nothing Nietzche couldn't teach ya
About the raising of the wrist,
Socrates himself was permanently pissed.
John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill,
Plato they say, could stick it away,
Half a crate of whisky everyday,
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
Hobbes was fond of his dram,
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart,
"I drink, therefore I am".
Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed
A lovely little thinker, but a bugger when he's pissed!
Note: The sixth line is changed from "Schopenhauer and Hegel" to "Wilholm
Friedrich Hegel" in some performances. Take your pick.
-= rhymes =-= 141 =------------------------------------------------------------
]NEW[
TDY, An Ode to a Boom Operator
by Sgt. Keith E. Sullivan
I lay on my stomach
in back of a plane,
Not really so sure
if I'm sober or sane.
My head is still throbbing
from last night's good time.
My stomach is nauseous
from too much red wine.
As I lay and look down
at the top of a cloud,
I can't help but wonder
why the engine's so loud.
Here comes the receiver
looking for fuel.
This hangover flying
can really be cruel.
I finally make contact
after only three tries.
Hitting the hole would be easier
if my "head" would stabilize.
In only two hours
we'll be back on the ground,
Then I won't need the honey bucket
for the fourth and fifth round.
I'm not sure I can make it,
I know I'm about spent.
I put on my helmet and mask
and go a hundred percent.
As the B-fifty-two
blurs out of my sight,
My body looks forward
to sleeping all night.
I vow to myself
in my state of decay,
Not to drink all the night,
when I fly the next day.
I log out the hours
at three point and seven,
Thinking of bed
as being my heaven.
I'm back at the Q
trying to rest my poor eyes,
But all I can hear
is laughter and merriment cries.
I hear strange voices,
are there "females" here?
I'd better go have
one friendly beer!!
I drink down the first
with no intentions for more,
But it isn't too long
before I've started to soar.
We head for the club
to continue a good time.
When I next see my watch
it's one fifty-nine.
I stagger on back
and crawl into bed.
I've a five-thirty bus
I'm beginning to dread.
I lay on my stomach
in back of a plane,
Not really so sure
if I'm sober or sane....
-= rhymes =-= 142 =------------------------------------------------------------
]NEW[
From: bill.coyne@mwbbs.com (Bill Coyne)
My love bedevils the bathroom,
In the morning and in the eve,
Whether to hop in to drop a log,
Or to stop by and take a pee.
The ring in the tub my love leaves behind,
And underwear strewn about,
My toothbrush that's used for cleaning of toes,
Don't raise me to rail and shout.
The pall left behind that hangs in the air,
The sink left in disarray,
Are sweet little hints to remind me here
That my love has just passed this way.
Woe be he that wails, "PEE YU!"
I'll PEE YU his face with my fist.
For the bathroom's my chapel to worship my love,
(Though I'm groping my way through the mist.)
I know that my love is fine and pristeen,
And clean as a whistle, you bet!
So I won't let a whine as I dry off my head
With towels all dripping and wet.
================================================================================
== LIMERICKS ===================================================================
-= limericks =-= 1 =---------------------------------------------------------
A lab tech with acute constipation
Found relief through centrifugation.
At one thousand times mass,
His tool flew out his ass,
And he found both relief and elation.
-= limericks =-= 2 =---------------------------------------------------------
A nervous old codger named Royce
Couldn't control his sphincter by choice.
So he speedily strode
To his favorite commode,
Blew his nose, blew his ass, and rejoiced.
-= limericks =-= 3 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a man from Cape Horn
Who wished that he'd never been born.
He wouldn't have been
If his father had seen
That the end of his condom was torn.
-= limericks =-= 4 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young lady from Kew
Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,
They'll pay to get out of it too!"
-= limericks =-= 5 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a juggler named Drops
Who couldn't hang onto his props.
He tossed 'em and heaved 'em,
Then dropped and retrieved 'em,
Till the audience told him to stop.
-= limericks =-= 6 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a woman named Jane
With a soft and pliable brain.
When she went to the pool
At her junior high school,
They used her to plug up the drain.
-= limericks =-= 7 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a woman named Jane
Whose face was exceedingly plain.
But down in her cellar,
She was a real live-heller,
So the boys came again and again.
-= limericks =-= 8 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a man from Los Leaver
Who had an affair with a beaver.
The results of that fuck
Were a canvas-backed duck,
Two canoes, and a golden retriever.
-= limericks =-= 9 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a fellow named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave.
He said, "I would admit,
That I'm a bit of a shit,
But think of the money I save!"
There once was a young man named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in a cave.
He said, "What the hell,
You get used to the smell,
And think of the money I save!"
-= limericks =-= 10 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a man named Matt
Who was short, bald, ugly, and fat.
I'm willing to bet,
The only pussy he gets
Is when he goes home to his cat.
-= limericks =-= 11 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a lad named Kevin
Whose girlfriend was four foot eleven.
She looked at his cock
When it was hard as a rock,
And it was ten inches long...minus seven.
-= limericks =-= 12 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a woman named Ann
Who was said to be quite like a man.
When nature did call,
She ran down the hall,
And went to the gentleman's can.
-= limericks =-= 13 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a baker named Sherm
Who flavored his pastries with sperm.
He said, "What's the matter?"
As he mixed up his batter,
"I still use a spoon to stir'm."
-= limericks =-= 14 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young gal from Montana
Who had an affair with a banana.
She hugged it and squeezed it,
Loved it and teased it, and said
"It tastes better than a mana."
-= limericks =-= 15 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young girl from France
Who got on a train, by chance.
The engineer fucked her,
As did the conductor,
And the brakeman came in his pants.
-= limericks =-= 16 =---------------------------------------------------------
]NEW[
There was a young lady from France
Who got on a bus in a trance
Everyone fucked her
Apart from the Conductor
But he came twice in his pants
-= limericks =-= 17 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a barmaid named Gail
On whose chest were the prices of ale.
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was precisely the same, but in Braille.
-= limericks =-= 18 =---------------------------------------------------------
Once a young woman named Alice
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina,
And part of her anus in Dallas.
-= limericks =-= 19 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was an old man of the Nile
Who sharpened his nails with a file;
Till he cut off his thumbs,
And said calmly, "This comes
Of sharpening one's nails with a file!"
-= limericks =-= 20 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was an old person of Cromer
Who stood on one leg to read Homer.
When he found he grew stiff,
He jumped off the cliff,
Which concluded that person of Cromer.
-= limericks =-= 21 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was an old man on some rocks
Who shut his wife up in a box.
When she said, "Let me out,"
He exclaimed, "Without doubt,
You will pass all your life in that box."
-= limericks =-= 22 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young lady of Troy
Whom several large flies did annoy.
Some she killed with a thump,
Some she drowned at the pump,
And some she took with her to Troy.
-= limericks =-= 23 =---------------------------------------------------------
A certain young gourmet of Crediton
Took some pate de foie gras and spread it on
A chocolate biscuit.
Then murmured, "I'll risk it."
His tomb bears the date that he said it on.
-= limericks =-= 24 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was an old party of Lyme
Who married three wives at one time.
When asked, "Why the third?"
He replied, "One's absurd,
And bigamy, sir, is a crime!"
-= limericks =-= 25 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young boy of Quebec
Who fell into the ice to his neck.
When asked, "Are you friz?"
He replied, "Yes, I is.
But we don't call this cold in Quebec."
-= limericks =-= 26 =---------------------------------------------------------
Beware of the limerick bore.
From a seemingly infinite store,
He trots out more verse
Where the scansion gets worse,
But the subject's the same as before.
-= limericks =-= 27 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose dick was so long he could suck it.
He said with a grin,
As he wiped of his chin,
"If my ear was a cunt, I'd fuck it."
-= limericks =-= 28 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a man from Tasse
Who's balls were made of brass.
In stormy weather,
They smacked together
And a lightning bolt shot out his ass.
-= limericks =-= 29 =---------------------------------------------------------
]NEW[
There was a young man from Madrass
Who had both his balls dipped in brass.
He banged them together
And played "Stormy Weather"
And lightning came out of his ass.
-= limericks =-= 30 =---------------------------------------------------------
In the Garden of Eden sat Adam
Massaging the bust of his madam.
He chuckled with mirth,
For he knew that on earth,
There were only two boobs and he had 'em.
-= limericks =-= 31 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was an old pirate named Bates
Who was learning to rhumba on skates.
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.
-= limericks =-= 32 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young man from Bellaire
Who was screwing his girl on the stair.
But the banister broke,
So he doubled his stroke,
And finished her off in mid-air.
-= limericks =-= 33 =---------------------------------------------------------
A pretty young lady named Vogel
Once sat herself down on a molehill.
A curious mole
Nosed into her hole.
Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill.
-= limericks =-= 34 =---------------------------------------------------------
A team playing baseball in Dallas
Called the umpire blind out of malice.
While this worthy had fits,
The team made eight hits,
And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
-= limericks =-= 35 =---------------------------------------------------------
A bather whose clothing was strewed
By breezes that left her quite nude
Saw a man come along
And, unless I'm quite wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd.
-= limericks =-= 36 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young girl named Sapphire
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
She said, "It's a sin,
But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
-= limericks =-= 37 =---------------------------------------------------------
A young curate, just new to the cloth,
At sex was surely no sloth.
He preached masturbation
To his whole congregation,
And was washed down the aisle on the froth.
-= limericks =-= 38 =---------------------------------------------------------
A gentle old lady I knew
Was dozing one day in her pew.
When the preacher yelled "Sin!"
She said, "Count me in!
And as soon as the service is through!"
-= limericks =-= 39 =---------------------------------------------------------
A progressive professor named Tinners
Held classes each evening for sinners.
They were graded and spaced
So the very debased
Would not be held back by beginners.
-= limericks =-= 40 =---------------------------------------------------------
A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
I am not I, I'm a tree."
But another more sane,
Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
And covered his pants leg with pee.
-= limericks =-= 41 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a hacker named Ken
Who inherited truckloads of Yen.
So he built him some chicks
Made of silicon chips,
And hasn't been heard from since then.
-= limericks =-= 42 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a freshman named Lin
Whose tool was as thin as a pin.
A virgin named Joan
From a Bible belt home
Said, "This won't be much of a sin!"
-= limericks =-= 43 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a couple named Kelley
Who lived their life belly to belly.
Because in their haste,
They used Library Paste,
Instead of Petroleum Jelly.
-= limericks =-= 44 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a young man named Gene
Who invented a screwing machine.
Concave and convex,
It could please either sex,
And it played with itself in between.
(But, oh, what a bastard to clean!)
-= limericks =-= 45 =---------------------------------------------------------
A pretty young maiden from France
Decided she'd "just take a chance".
She let herself go
For an hour or so,
And now all her sisters are aunts.
-= limericks =-= 46 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young lady named Hall,
Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
The dress caught fire,
And burned her entire
Front page, sports section, and all.
-= limericks =-= 47 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a poor man named Crocket
Whose balls got caught in a socket.
His wife was a bitch,
So she cranked on the switch,
And Crocket took off like a rocket!
-= limericks =-= 48 =---------------------------------------------------------
She stood on the bridge at midnight.
Her legs are like a quiver.
She gave a cough,
Her legs fell off,
And floated down the river.
-= limericks =-= 49 =---------------------------------------------------------
While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
She explained, "They are flat,
But think nothing of that -
You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."
-= limericks =-= 50 =---------------------------------------------------------
A comely young widow named Ransom
Was ravished three times in a hansom.
When she cried out for more
A voice from the floor
Said, "Lady, I'm Simpson, not Samson."
-= limericks =-= 51 =---------------------------------------------------------
A widow, who fancied a man some,
Was diddled three times in a hansome.
When she clamored for more,
Her young man became sore,
And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson."
-= limericks =-= 52 =---------------------------------------------------------
He hated to mend, so young Ned
Called in a cute neighbor instead.
Her husband said, "Oh my,
When you stitched up his torn fly,
Did you have to bite off the thread?"
-= limericks =-= 53 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a gay countess of Bray,
And you may think it odd when I say,
That in spite of high station,
Rank and education,
She always spelled cunt with a "k".
-= limericks =-= 54 =---------------------------------------------------------
A wanton young lady from Wimley,
Reproached for not acting quite primly,
Said, "Heavens above!
I know sex isn't love,
But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
-= limericks =-= 55 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a lady from Exeter,
So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
One was even so brave
As to take out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
-= limericks =-= 56 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young lady from Maine
Who claimed she had men on her brain.
But you knew from the view,
As her abdomen grew,
It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
-= limericks =-= 57 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young girl from Hong Kong
Whose cervical cap was a gong.
She said with a yell,
As a shot rang her bell,
"I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
-= limericks =-= 58 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young man from Hong Kong,
Who had a trifurcated prong.
A small one for sucking,
A large one for fucking,
And a *honey* for beating a gong.
-= limericks =-= 59 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young lady of Norway
Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
She said to her beau,
"Just look at me Joe,
I think I've discovered one more way."
-= limericks =-= 60 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a plumber named Lee
Who was plumbing a girl by the sea.
Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
I think someone's coming!"
Said he, "Yes I know, love, it's me."
-= limericks =-= 61 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young girl from Devizes
Who had breasts of different sizes.
One was so small,
Really nothing at all,
The other was huge, it won prizes.
-= limericks =-= 62 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a policeman of Munchen
Whose penis one day ceased to function.
For the rest of his life,
He deceived his good wife
By the intelligent use of his truncheon.
(Maybe North Americans would not know that a truncheon is the stick carried by
British policemen)
-= limericks =-= 63 =---------------------------------------------------------
I once met a lassie named Ruth
In a long distance telephone booth.
Now I know the perfection
Of an ideal connection,
Even if somewhat uncouth.
-= limericks =-= 64 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young man of St. John's
Who wanted to bugger the swans.
But the loyal hall porter
Said, "Pray take my daughter!
Those birds are reserved for the dons."
-= limericks =-= 65 =---------------------------------------------------------
A worried young man from Stamboul
Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
Said the doctor, a cynic,
"Get out of my clinic;
Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
-= limericks =-= 66 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young lady named Twiss
Who said she thought fucking a bliss.
For it tickled her bum,
And caused her to come
Siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW
-= limericks =-= 67 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a bluestocking in Florence
Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
Till a Spanish grandee
Got her off with his knee,
And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
-= limericks =-= 68 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young lad name of Durcan
Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
His father said, "Durcan!
Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
-= limericks =-= 69 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a young fellow named Perkin
Who always was jerkin his gherkin
Says the wife to young Perkin
"Quit jerkin' yer gherkin,
Yer shirkin' yer ferkin' ya bastard!"
-= limericks =-= 70 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young fellow of Warwick,
Who had reason for feeling euphoric;
For he could by election
Have triune erection:
Ionic, Corinthian, and Doric.
-= limericks =-= 71 =---------------------------------------------------------
A mathematician named Hall
Has a hexahedronical ball.
And the cube of its weight
Times his pecker's, plus eight
Is his phone number, give him a call.
-= limericks =-= 72 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was an old man from Australia
Who painted his arse like a dahlia.
The colors were fine,
Likewise the design,
The aroma, alas, was a failure.
-= limericks =-= 73 =---------------------------------------------------------
The sea captain's tender young bride
Fell in the sea at low tide.
You could tell by her squeals
That one of the eels
Had found a dark little place to hide.
-= limericks =-= 74 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a priest from Birmingham
Who buggered three maids while confirming 'em.
While praying to God,
He excited his rod
And ended up putting his sperm in 'em.
-= limericks =-= 75 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a girl named Beth Berman
Who liked to drink everyone's sperm in.
She said, with a pout,
"This tastes like sauerkraut.
Are you sure that you aren't a German?"
-= limericks =-= 76 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a man from Brewster
Who said to his wife as he goosed her,
"It used to be grand,
But just look at my hand;
You ain't wipin as clean as you used ta."
-= limericks =-= 77 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a man from Kent
Whose cock was so long it was bent.
To stay out of trouble,
He stuck it in double,
And instead of coming, he went.
-= limericks =-= 78 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a young man named Springer
Who got his testicles caught in the wringer.
He hollered with pain,
As they rolled down the drain,
"There goes my career as a singer."
-= limericks =-= 79 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a priest from Morocco
Whose motto was really quite macho.
He said to me once,
"God decreed we eat cunts.
Why else would it look like a taco."
-= limericks =-= 80 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was this lady from Niger,
Who smiled as she rode on a tiger.
They returned from the ride,
With the lady inside
And the smile on the face of the tiger.
-= limericks =-= 81 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a woman from Reno
Who lost all her money at keno.
She laid on her back,
And opened her crack,
And now she owns the casino.
-= limericks =-= 82 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a man from Sydney
Who could put it in up to her kidney.
Then a man from Quebec
Got it up to her neck;
He had a big one, didn't he?
-= limericks =-= 83 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young engineer named Miss Holt,
Who had an assistant as spry as a Colt.
When she asked for a screw,
What did the young man do,
But offer her two nuts and a bolt.
-= limericks =-= 84 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a girl named Hortence
Whose breasts were very immense.
One day, while playing soccer,
Out popped her left knocker,
And she kicked it right over the fence.
-= limericks =-= 85 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was an old man from Esser,
Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser.
It at last grew so small,
He knew nothing at all,
And now he's a College Professor.
-= limericks =-= 86 =---------------------------------------------------------
A Scotsman who lived on the loch
Had holes down the length of his cock.
He could get an erection,
And play a selection
Of Johann Sebastian Bach.
-= limericks =-= 87 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a handsome young jock,
Who tied violin strings to his cock.
When he got an erection,
He played a selection,
Of Johann Sebastian Bach.
-= limericks =-= 88 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a fellow named Chris
Whose love life was strangely amiss.
For even with Venus,
His recalcitrant penis
Could seldom do better than t
h
i
s.
-= limericks =-= 89 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a man from Virginia
Who committed sin after sin, yah
You could put up a fight
From morning till night
Twouldn't stop him from putting it in ya
-= limericks =-= 90 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a young man from Boston
Who drove a little red Austin.
There was room for his ass,
And a gallon of gas,
But his balls hung out and he lost them!
-= limericks =-= 91 =---------------------------------------------------------
Lorena reacted quite bitterly
When John failed to service her clitorally.
Though he got a reprieve,
When his tool was retrieved,
When John jerks off now, sadly, it's literally.
-= limericks =-= 92 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a girl from Decatur
Who got laid by a big alligator.
Now, nobody knew
The result of that screw,
Because after he laid her, he ate her.
-= limericks =-= 93 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a man from Rangoon
Who was born nine months too soon.
He hadn't the luck
To be born by a fuck;
He was scraped off the sheets with a spoon.
-= limericks =-= 94 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was an old whore from Azores
Whose cunt was all covered with sores.
The dogs in the street
Wouldn't eat the green meat
That hung in festoons from her drawers.
-= limericks =-= 95 =---------------------------------------------------------
A young Catholic layman named Fox
Makes his living by sucking off cocks.
In fits of depression,
He goes to confession,
And jacks off the priest in the box.
-= limericks =-= 96 =---------------------------------------------------------
A newlywed couple from Goshen
Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean.
In just 80 days,
They screwed 80 ways.
Imagine such fuckin' devotion!
-= limericks =-= 97 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young man named Hughes
Who swore off all kinds of booze.
He said, "When I'm muddled
My senses get fuddled,
And I pass up too many screws.
-= limericks =-= 98 =---------------------------------------------------------
A lissom psychotic named Jane
Once kissed every man on a train;
Said she, "Please don't panic!
I'm just nymphomanic.
It wouldn't be fun were I sane."
-= limericks =-= 99 =---------------------------------------------------------
Said Freud, "I've discovered the Id.
Of all your repressions be rid.
It won't ease the gravity
Of all the depravity,
But you'll know why you did what you did."
-= limericks =-= 100 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a monk of Camyre
Who was seized with a carnal desire.
And the primary cause
Was the abbess' drawers
Which were hung up to dry by the fire.
-= limericks =-= 101 =---------------------------------------------------------
A lecherous Bishop of Peoria
In a state of constant euphoria,
Enjoyed having fun
With a whore or a nun
While chanting the Sanctus and Gloria.
-= limericks =-= 102 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a woman named Bright
Who could travel at near speed of light.
She left one day
In a relative way,
And returned on an earlier night.
-= limericks =-= 103 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a couple named Kelly
Who went through life belly to belly.
For once, in their haste,
They used library paste,
Instead of petroleum jelly.
-= limericks =-= 104 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a man, most unsavory,
Who held the Bishop of Boston in slavery.
Amidst hootings and howles,
He'd deflower young owls
Which he kept in an underground aviary.
-= limericks =-= 105 =---------------------------------------------------------
A traveling salesman named Cox,
Got engaged at one of his stops,
To a widow named Kidd,
Who then flipped her lid,
When she saw there were three little cocks.
-= limericks =-= 106 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a violinist named Cleo
Who slept with a cellist named Leo.
As she took down her panties,
She said, "No andantes!"
"I want this allegro con brio!"
-= limericks =-= 107 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was an old Scot named McAmeter
Who possessed a remarkable diameter!
But it wasn't the size
That opened their eyes,
T'was his rhythm: Trochaic Hexameter!
-= limericks =-= 108 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a man from Van Isle
Who said jogging just wasn't his style.
"I'll get my workouts," he said,
"At home, in my bed,"
"'Cause a Miss is as good as a mile!"
-= limericks =-= 109 =---------------------------------------------------------
A king who never could rhyme
Declared limerick writing a crime,
But late in the night
All the scribes would write
Poems without rhyme or meter.
-= limericks =-= 110 =---------------------------------------------------------
In Paris, there once dwelt a man
Whose limericks never would scan.
He said, "I'll admit
I'm a bit of a twit.
Because I always try to fit as many words into the last line as I possibly can!"
-= limericks =-= 111 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young woman called Ann
Whose limericks would never quite scan
She said, "Try as I might,
I can't get it right.
But I always try to add in as many words into the last line as I possibly can!"
-= limericks =-= 112 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a man from Peru,
Who's limericks always end on line two.
-= limericks =-= 113 =---------------------------------------------------------
The limerick's form's astronomical
To fit so much into space so economical.
But the ones that I've seen
Are so seldom clean
And the clean ones are so seldom comical.
-= limericks =-= 114 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a fellow quite gingerie
Who tore holes in his sister's best lingerie.
He slapped her behind
Then made up his mind
To add incest to insult and injury.
-= limericks =-= 115 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a sailor from Brighton
Who said to a lass, "You're a tight one."
She replied "'Pon my soul,
You're in the wrong hole!
There's plenty of room in the right one."
-= limericks =-= 116 =---------------------------------------------------------
The mathematician Von Blecks
Derived the equation for sex.
He found a good fuck
Isn't patience or luck
But a function of Y over X.
-= limericks =-= 117 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a girl named Maureen
Who was so remarkablyu lean.
So flat and compressed,
That her back touched her chest,
And sideways, she couldn't be seen.
-= limericks =-= 118 =---------------------------------------------------------
Mathematics and limericks combined,
Requires an odd sort of mind,
Eleizer claims "Neater"
But can't keep the meter,
So more towards Rob's I'm inclined.
-= limericks =-= 119 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was an old man from Gloucester
Who would take a girl home and accost her.
The number to date
Has gone up to eight
And out in the garden, he lost her.
-= limericks =-= 120 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was an old man from Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket.
His daughter named Nann
Ran away with a man,
And as for the Bucket, Nann Tuck it.
-= limericks =-= 121 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young fellow from Perth.
The dirtiest bastard on Earth.
When his wife was confined,
He pulled down the blind
And licked up the afterbirth.
-= limericks =-= 122 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a student called Dan
Whose limerick's didn't quite rhyme.
They didn't scan properly either
And there were never enough lines.
-= limericks =-= 123 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a Jew from Peru
Who was vainly attempting to screw.
His wife said, "Oy-vey!
If you keep up this way,
The messiah will come before you!"
-= limericks =-= 124 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a man named Ted
Who had pot growing out of his head
The cause of those weeds
Was from smoking the seeds
Or so I have heard it said.
-= limericks =-= 125 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young man from St. Louis,
Who gave his dear sister a screw.
He said with aplomb,
"You're better then Mom!"
Said she, "That's what Dad told me, too."
-= limericks =-= 126 =---------------------------------------------------------
There were once two young people of taste
Who were beautiful down to the waist.
So they limited love
To the regions above
And thus remained perfectly chaste.
-= limericks =-= 127 =---------------------------------------------------------
A couple from old Aberystwyth
United the organs they kissed with.
They enjoyed this sweet sharing
But did nothing more daring,
And she said, "You're a right one to tryst with."
-= limericks =-= 128 =---------------------------------------------------------
Undressing a maiden called Sue,
Her seducer exclaimed, "If it's true
That a nipple a day
Keeps the doctor away,
Think how healthy you must be with two!"
-= limericks =-= 129 =---------------------------------------------------------
A popular girl is Miss Cholmondeley,
She's youthful, attractive and colmondeley,
And never objects
To suggestions of sex,
But simply cooperates dolmondeley.
-= limericks =-= 130 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young lady of Dexter
Whose husband exceedingly vexed her,
For whenever they'd start
He'd unfailingly fart
With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her.
-= limericks =-= 131 =---------------------------------------------------------
An artist who haunted Montmarte
Made improper suggestions to Sartre.
But Sartre with a blow
At his hanging "huis clos"
Cut his two existentials apartre.
-= limericks =-= 132 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young lawyer named Rex
Who was very deficient in sex
When charged with exposure
He said with composure
"De minimus non curat lex."
-= limericks =-= 133 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a man from Racine
Who invented the jerk-off machine.
On the 69th stroke,
The damned thing broke,
And beat his balls to a cream.
-= limericks =-= 134 =---------------------------------------------------------
A huge-organed female in Dallas,
Named Alice, who yearned for a phallus,
Was virgo intacto,
Because, ipso facto,
No phallus in Dallas fit Alice.
-= limericks =-= 135 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a Scot named McAmeter
With a tool of prodigious diameter.
It was not the size
That cause such surprise;
T'was his rhythm, iambic pentameter.
-= limericks =-= 136 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young man from New Haven,
Who had an affair with a raven.
He said with a grin,
As he wiped off his chin,
Nevermore!
-= limericks =-= 137 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young man from Purdue,
Who was only just learning to screw.
But he hadn't the knack,
And he got too far back -
In the right church, but in the wrong pew.
-= limericks =-= 138 =---------------------------------------------------------
A pansy from old Khartoum,
Took a lesbian up to his room,
They argued all night,
Over who had the right,
To do what, and with which, to whom.
-= limericks =-= 139 =---------------------------------------------------------
A prosperous merchant of Rhone
Took orders for cunt on the phone;
Or the same could be baled,
Stamped, labeled, and mailed
To a limited parcel-post zone.
-= limericks =-= 140 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young fellow named Sweeney
Whose girl was a terrible meanie.
The hatch of her snatch
Had a catch that would latch
She could only be screwed by Houdini.
-= limericks =-= 141 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young girl of Cape Cod
Who thought babes were fashioned by God,
But 'twas not the Almighty
Who hiked up her nightie
It was Roger the lodger, by God!
-= limericks =-= 142 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a cute girl from Kent
Who said she knew what it meant
When guys asked her to dine,
Gave her whiskey and wine.
She knew what it meant, but she went!
-= limericks =-= 143 =---------------------------------------------------------
A dentist, young Doctor Malone,
Got a charming girl patient alone,
And in his depravity
He filled the wrong cavity
And my how his practice has grown!
-= limericks =-= 144 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young man of Australia,
Who went on a wild bacchanalia.
He buggered a frog,
Two mice and a dog,
And a bishop in fullest regalia.
-= limericks =-= 145 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a fellow named Howard,
Whose large tool was nuclear-powered.
While grabbing some ass,
He reached critical mass;
But think of the girl he deflowered!
-= limericks =-= 146 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young man of Seattle,
Who bested a bull in a battle.
With fire and gumption,
He assumed the bull's function,
And deflowered a whole herd of cattle.
-= limericks =-= 147 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a fencer named Fisk,
Whose speed was incredibly brisk.
So fast was his action,
The Fitzgerald contraction
Foreshortened his foil to a disk.
-= limericks =-= 148 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young monk in Siberia
Whose morals were very inferior.
He jumped on a nun,
Which he shouldn't have done;
And now she's a Mother Superior.
-= limericks =-= 149 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young trollop at Yale,
Who had verses tattooed on her tail;
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
A duplicate version in Braille.
-= limericks =-= 150 =---------------------------------------------------------
The new local cinematorium
Is not only a super sensorium,
But a highly effectual
Heterosexual
Mutual masturbatorium.
-= limericks =-= 151 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young fellow named Sweeney,
Whose girl was a terrible meanie.
The hatch of her snatch,
Had a catch that would latch;
She could only be screwed by Houdini.
-= limericks =-= 152 =---------------------------------------------------------
Shouted Frosty the Snowman, "Hooray!
I'm agog with excitement today!
And the reason of course -
A reliable source,
Said the snow blower's heading this way!
-= limericks =-= 153 =---------------------------------------------------------
Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
"My favorite sport is coitus."
But a fullback from State
Made her period late,
And now she has athlete's fetus.
-= limericks =-= 154 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young girl from Peru,
Who had nothing whatever to do.
So she sat on the stairs,
And counted cunt hairs;
Four thousand, three hundred and two.
-= limericks =-= 155 =---------------------------------------------------------
A widow whose singular vice
Was to keep her late husband on ice,
Said, "It's been hard since I lost him,
I'll never defrost him!
Cold comfort, but cheap at the price."
-= limericks =-= 156 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young lady named Gilda,
Who went on a date with a builder.
He said that he would,
And he could and he should,
And he did and it damn well near killed her.
-= limericks =-= 157 =---------------------------------------------------------
A remarkable race are the Persians;
They have such peculiar diversions.
They make love the whole day,
In the usual way,
And save up the nights for perversions.
-= limericks =-= 158 =---------------------------------------------------------
A notorious whore named Miss Hearst
In the weakness of men is well versed.
Reads a sign o'er the head
Of her well-rumpled bed:
"The customer always comes first."
-= limericks =-= 159 =---------------------------------------------------------
A mortician who practiced in Fife,
Made love to the corpse of his wife.
"How could I know, Judge?
She was cold, she did not budge,
Just the same as she'd acted in life."
-= limericks =-= 160 =---------------------------------------------------------
The night was almost gone,
As I opened my eyes with a yawn.
I was quite amazed
With her thighs on my face,
I was seeing the crack of Dawn.
-= limericks =-= 161 =---------------------------------------------------------
An Argentine gaucho named Bruno
Once said, "There is one thing I do know,
A woman is fine,
And a sheep is divine,
But a llama is 'numero uno'."
-= limericks =-= 162 =---------------------------------------------------------
"When I see a monk's ass I just grab it."
Said the lazily amorus abbot.
"Although it's more fun
To have sex with a nun,
It's so hard to get into the habit!"
-= limericks =-= 163 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young girl, Fanny Hill.
Used two dynamite sticks for a dil'
They found her vagina
In South Carolina,
And part of her ass in Brazil.
-= limericks =-= 164 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a man with a member
That would only stand up in December.
He said, "Then it's too cold
For a hard-on so bold,
I wish it would work in September!"
-= limericks =-= 165 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was an old bishop from Buckingham
Who cooled off his bollocks by ducking 'em
And watching the stunts
Of the cunts in the punts
And the tricks of the pricks that was fucking 'em!
-= limericks =-= 166 =---------------------------------------------------------
The was a young lady named Flo.
Whose lover had pulled out too slow.
So they tried it all night
Till he got it just right.
Well, practice makes pregnant, you know.
-= limericks =-= 167 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young fellow named Mel
Who didn't like cunt very well.
He would finger and fuck one,
But never would suck one;
He just couldn't get use to the smell.
-= limericks =-= 168 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a lass from Cape Cod
Who thought all good things came from God.
It wasn't the Almighty
Who lifted her nightie,
But Roger the Lodger, by God.
-= limericks =-= 169 =---------------------------------------------------------
I'd rather have fingers than toes,
I'd rather have ears than a nose,
And a happy erection
Brought just to perfection
Makes me terribly sad when it goes.
-= limericks =-= 170 =---------------------------------------------------------
An agreeable girl named Miss Doves
Likes to jack off the young men she loves.
She will use her bare fist
If the fellows insist
But she really prefers to wear gloves.
-= limericks =-= 171 =---------------------------------------------------------
Said a dainty young whore named Miss Meggs,
"The men like to spread my two legs,
Then slip in between,
If you know what I mean,
And leave me the white of their eggs."
-= limericks =-= 172 =---------------------------------------------------------
The spouse of a pretty young thing
Came home from the war in the spring.
He was lame, but he came
With his dame like a flame;
A discharge is a wonderful thing.
-= limericks =-= 173 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a fellow named Siegel
Who attempted to bugger a beagle.
But the mettlesome bitch
Turned and said with a twitch,
"It's fun, but you know it's illegal."
-= limericks =-= 174 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young fellow named Fyfe
Who married the pride of his life.
But imagine the pain
When he struggled in vain,
And just couldn't get into his wife.
-= limericks =-= 175 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young fellow named Fyfe
Whose marriage was ruined for life,
For he had an aversion
To every perversion
And only liked screwing his wife.
Well, one year the poor woman struck
And she wept, and she cursed at her luck,
"Oh, where has it gotten us
This goddamn monotonous
Fuck after fuck after fuck?"
-= limericks =-= 176 =---------------------------------------------------------
A young bride was once heard to say,
"Oh dear, I am wearing away!
The inside of my thighs
Look just like mince pies,
For my husband won't shave every day."
-= limericks =-= 177 =---------------------------------------------------------
Have you heard of knock-kneed Samuel McGuzzum
Who married Samantha, his bow-legged cousin?
Some people say
Love finds a way,
But for Sam and Samantha, it doesn't.
-= limericks =-= 178 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young lady of Wheeling,
Who professed to a lack of sexual feeling.
But a cynic named Boris
Just touched her clitoris,
And she had to be scraped from the ceiling.
-= limericks =-= 179 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a woman from Wheeling
Who had a funny feeling
So she laid on her back
And tickled her crack,
And peed all over the ceiling!
-= limericks =-= 180 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a man from Racine
Who'd invented a fucking machine.
Concave or convex,
It fit either sex,
But boy, was it a bitch to keep clean.
-= limericks =-= 181 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a man from St. Pauls
Who used to perform in the halls.
His favorite trick
Was to stand on his prick
And roll off the stage on his balls.
-= limericks =-= 182 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was an old man from Gallosham,
Who took off his bollocks to wash 'em.
His wife said, "Jack,
If you don't put 'em back,
I'll tread on the buggers and squash 'em."
-= limericks =-= 183 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a man from Kartomb
Who was exceedingly fond of the womb.
He thought nothing finer
Than the human vagina,
So he kept three of four in his room
-= limericks =-= 184 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young lady from Keith
Who circumcised men with her teeth.
It wasn't the skin
She was interested in,
But the layer of cheese underneath.
-= limericks =-= 185 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a man from Calcutta
Who fell asleep in the gutter.
The tropical sun
Burnt a hole in his bum
And melted his balls to butter.
-= limericks =-= 186 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a woman named Dot,
Who lived on pig shit and snot.
When she'd run out of these,
She'd just eat the green cheese
That she'd scrape from the sides of her twat.
-= limericks =-= 187 =---------------------------------------------------------
The nipples of Sarah Strong,
When excited, are twelve inches long.
This embarrassed her lover
Who was pained to discover
She expected no less of his dong.
-= limericks =-= 188 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a writer named Twain
Who had a peculiar stain
Surrounding the head
Of his prick, it was red
And it was said to wash off in the rain.
-= limericks =-= 189 =---------------------------------------------------------
The last time I dined with the king,
He did quite a curious thing.
He sat on a stool
And took out his tool
And said "If I play, will you sing?"
-= limericks =-= 190 =---------------------------------------------------------
There is a young nurse in Japan
Who lifts men by their pricks to the pan.
A trick of Jujitsu
And either this shits you
Or makes you feel more like a man.
-= limericks =-= 191 =---------------------------------------------------------
A big woolly dog named Lee
Had a host of friends to see.
So he paced in the street
On all four feet
But visited mostly on three.
-= limericks =-= 192 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young lady named Knox
Who kept a pet snake in her box.
It was trained not to hiss
When she sat down to piss,
But would nibble the noggins off cocks.
-= limericks =-= 193 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a girl named Louise
Whose cunt hair hung down to her knees.
The crabs in her twat
Tied the hair in a knot
And constructed a flying trapeze.
-= limericks =-= 194 =---------------------------------------------------------
A busman named Abner McFuss
Liked to suck off small boys on his bus,
Then go out and sniff turds,
And the assholes of birds;
He sure was a funny old cuss.
-= limericks =-= 195 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young lady named Nelly
Whose tits could be joggled like jelly.
They could tickle her twat
Or be tied in a knot
And could even swat flies on her belly.
-= limericks =-= 196 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young fellow named Price
Who dabbled in in all sorts of vice.
He had virgins and boys,
And mechanical toys,
And on Mondays...he meddled with mice.
-= limericks =-= 197 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young girl named Regina
Who called in a water diviner
To play a slick trick
With his prick as a stick
To help locate her vagina.
-= limericks =-= 198 =---------------------------------------------------------
Said an old lady called Mary Tabott,
"I wish I had teeth in my twat.
For just think" said she,
"how nice it would be
To keep all the pricks that I got."
-= limericks =-= 199 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young lady who said
As her bridegroom got into bed,
"I'm tired of this stunt
That they do with ones cunt.
You can get up my bottom instead."
-= limericks =-= 200 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was an old maid of Nantucket
Had an asshole as big as a bucket.
While bent over the oven
A-dreamin' of lovin',
Her goat siezed the moment to fuck it.
-= limericks =-= 201 =---------------------------------------------------------
"It is time," said a woman from Devon,
"To exchange maiden bliss for sex heaven.
There is music, it's spring.
Flowers bloom, birdies sing.
And besides, I've just turned thirty-seven."
-= limericks =-= 202 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young lady named Sue
Who preferred a stiff drink to a screw.
But one leads to another,
And now she's a mother;
Let this be a lesson to you.
-= limericks =-= 203 =---------------------------------------------------------
The chief charm of a whore in Shalott
Was the absence of hair on her twat.
She kept it smooth looking
Not by shaving or plucking,
But by all the fucking she got.
-= limericks =-= 204 =---------------------------------------------------------
A scandle involving an oyster
Sent the countess of Clewes to a cloister.
She preferred it in bed
To the count, so she said
Being longer, and stronger, and moister."
-= limericks =-= 205 =---------------------------------------------------------
Cleopatra while helping to pump
Ground out such a furious bump,
That Antony's dick
Snapped off like a stick
And left him to pump with a stump.
-= limericks =-= 206 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was an old fellow from Roop
Who'd lost all control of his poop.
One evening at supper,
His wife said, "Now Tupper,
Stop making that noise with your soup."
-= limericks =-= 207 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young fellow named Rummy
Who delighted in whipping his dummy.
He played pocket pool
With his happy old tool
Till his shorts and his pants were all cummy
-= limericks =-= 208 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was young man named Pete
Who was a bit indiscrete.
He pulled on his dong
Till it grew very long
And actually dragged in the street
-= limericks =-= 209 =---------------------------------------------------------
Girls give Jim's stiff penis a spasm
Whenever he sees 'em or has em.
He likes them so well,
He needs only to smell
Them to have a spontaneous orgasm
-= limericks =-= 210 =---------------------------------------------------------
A nymphomaniacal nurse with a curse,
That was worse than perverse,
Stuck a rotary drill
Up her twat, for a thrill
And they cart her off in a hearse.
-= limericks =-= 211 =---------------------------------------------------------
An old maiden who barely did kissing,
Soon discovered what she had been missing.
When laid down on the sod,
She cried out, "Oh, God!
All these years I just used it for pissing!"
-= limericks =-= 212 =---------------------------------------------------------
A fair haired young damsel named Grace
Thought it very foolish to place
Her hand on your cock
When it turned hard as rock
For fear it would explode in her face.
-= limericks =-= 213 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young man from Oswego
Who fell in love with a dago
He dreamt that his venus
Was jerking his penis,
And woke up all covered in sago
-= limericks =-= 214 =---------------------------------------------------------
The modern cinamatic emporium
Is by no means the nearest sexorium
But a highly effectual
Heterosexual
Mutual masturbatorium
-= limericks =-= 215 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young woman of Croft
Who played with herself in a loft.
Having reasoned that candles
Could never cause scandals,
Besides which they did not go soft.
-= limericks =-= 216 =---------------------------------------------------------
A squeamish young named fellow named Brand
Thought caressing his penis was grand.
But he viewed with distaste
The gelatinous paste
That it left in the palm of his hand.
-= limericks =-= 217 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young girl of Tonga
Used to diddle herself with a conga.
When asked how it feels
To be pleasured by eels,
She said, "just like a man, only longer."
-= limericks =-= 218 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young man from Bangor
Who was tired and said to his whore,
"If you will only roll over,
I will get my dog Rover
And you can have 6 inches more.
-= limericks =-= 219 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young man from Bengal
Who went to a fancy dress ball.
Just for a stunt,
He dress up as a cunt
And was fucked by a dog in the hall.
-= limericks =-= 220 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a cute girl named Amelia,
Who went to a dance as a dahlia.
But when the petals uncurled,
It revealed to the world
That the dress, as a dress, was a failure.
-= limericks =-= 221 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young man from Nantucket,
Took a pig in a thicket to fuck it.
Said the pig, "Oh, I'm queer,
Get away from my rear,
Come around to the front and I'll suck it."
-= limericks =-= 222 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young fellow named Bart
Who strained every shit through a fart.
Each tip-tapered turd
Was the very last word
In this deft and most intricate art.
-= limericks =-= 223 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young man of Bhogat
The cheeks of whose arse were so fat,
They had to be parted
Whenever he farted
And propped right apart when he shat.
-= limericks =-= 224 =---------------------------------------------------------
Said a pretty young whore from Hong Kong
To a long pronged patron named Wong,
"They say my vagina's
The nicest in China;
Don't ruin it by donging it wrong."
-= limericks =-= 225 =---------------------------------------------------------
A shiftless young fellow named Kent
Had his wife fuck the landlord for rent.
But as she grew older,
The landlord grew colder,
And now they live out in a tent.
-= limericks =-= 226 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young lady from Kent,
When her husband's pecker it bent,
She said with a sigh,
"Oh, why must it die?
Let's fill it with Portland Cement."
-= limericks =-= 227 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was an old girl of Kilkenny
Whose usual charge was a penny.
For half of that sum
You could finger her bum;
A source of amusement to many.
-= limericks =-= 228 =---------------------------------------------------------
Said the whore whom they called Geraldine,
"When I think of the pricks that I've seen,
And all of the nuts
And the arseholes and butts
And bastards like you in between."
-= limericks =-= 229 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was an old harlot of Wick
Who was sucking a coal miner's prick
She said, "I don't mind
The coal dust and grime,
But the smell of your balls makes me sick."
-= limericks =-= 230 =---------------------------------------------------------
A lady with manner superior
Sought a divorce from her hubby inferior.
And her grounds were that once,
She had yelled at him, "Dunce!"
And he yelled, "Quiet, you horse's posterior!"
-= limericks =-= 231 =---------------------------------------------------------
I lost my arm in the army,
I lost my leg in the navy,
I lost my balls
Over the Niagara falls,
And I lost my cock in a lady.
-= limericks =-= 232 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young lady of Clewer
Who was riding a bike when it threw her.
A man saw her there
With her legs in the air
And seized the occasion to screw her.
-= limericks =-= 233 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young fellow named Hyde
Who took a girl out for a ride.
He mucked up her fuck-hole
And fucked up her muck-hole
And charged her two dollars beside.
-= limericks =-= 234 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young man from Malacca
Who always slept on his left knacker.
One saturday night,
He slept on his right,
And his knacker went off like a cracker.
-= limericks =-= 235 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young singer named Springer
Got his testicles caught in a ringer.
He hollered in pain,
As they rolled down the drain,
"There goes my career as a singer!"
-= limericks =-= 236 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was an old man of Stambool
With a varicose vein in his tool.
In attempting to come
Up a little boy's bum,
It burst, and did he look a fool.
-= limericks =-= 237 =---------------------------------------------------------
A certain young fellow named Dick
Liked to feel a girl's hand on his prick.
He taught them to fool
With his rigid old tool
Till the cream shot out, white and thick.
-= limericks =-= 238 =---------------------------------------------------------
There is a young fellow from Leeds
Whose skin is so thin his cock bleeds.
Whenever erect,
This dermal defect
Often scares him from sowing his seeds.
-= limericks =-= 239 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was once a young man from Leeds
Who ate a whole bucket of seeds.
A whole load of grass
Grew out of his ass,
And his cock was covered in weeds.
-= limericks =-= 240 =---------------------------------------------------------
She made a thing of soft leather
And topped off the end with a feather.
When she poked it inside her,
She took off like a glider
And she gave up her lover forever.
-= limericks =-= 241 =---------------------------------------------------------
A thrifty old man named McEwen
Inquired, "Why be bothered with screwing?
It's safer and cleaner
To finger your weiner,
And besides you can see what you are doing."
-= limericks =-= 242 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young fellow named Goff
Whose amusement was jacking it off.
He pulled it so hard,
It streched out a yard
And turned to bright blue and fell off.
-= limericks =-= 243 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young man named Lanny
The size of whose prick was uncanny.
His wife, the poor dear,
Took it in her ear
And it came out the hole in her fanny.
-= limericks =-= 244 =---------------------------------------------------------
A milkmaid there was, with a stutter
Who was lonely and wanted a flutter.
She had nowhere to turn,
So she diddled a churn
And managed to come with the butter.
-= limericks =-= 245 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young fellow named Perkin
Who always was jerkin his gerkin.
His wife said, "Now Perkin,
Stop jerking your gerkin,
You're shirking your firking, you bastard."
-= limericks =-= 246 =---------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer who was a newlywed groom
Took his bride to their honeymoon room
But they talked the whole night
As to who had the right
To do what, with which, and to whom.
-= limericks =-= 247 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young man named M'Gurk
Who dozed off one night after work.
He had a wet dream,
But awoke with a scream
Just in time to give it a jerk.
-= limericks =-= 248 =---------------------------------------------------------
An agreeable girl named Miss Doves
Likes to jack off the young men she loves.
She will use her bare fist
If the fellows insist
But she really prefers to wear gloves.
-= limericks =-= 249 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young lady of Rheims
Who amazingly pissed in four streams.
A friend poked around
And a coat button found
Wedged tightly in one of her seams.
-= limericks =-= 250 =---------------------------------------------------------
An Argentine gaucho named Bruno
Once said, "There is one thing I do know:
A woman is fine
And a sheep is divine,
But a llama is Numero Uno!"
-= limericks =-= 251 =---------------------------------------------------------
A farmer I know named O'Doole
Has a long and incredible tool.
He can use it to plow,
Or to diddle a cow,
Or just as a cue-stick at pool.
-= limericks =-= 252 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a gangster named Brown,
The wiliest bastard in town.
He was caught by the G-men
Shooting his semen
Where the cops would all slip and fall down.
-= limericks =-= 253 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young man from St. Paul
Whose cock was exceedingly small.
Now it might do for a keyhole
Or a little girl's peehole.
But for a big girl like me, not at all.
-= limericks =-= 254 =---------------------------------------------------------
Says a busy young whore named Miss Randalls,
As men by the dozens she handles,
"When I get this busy,
My cunt gets all jizzy
And it runs down my legs like wax candles."
-= limericks =-= 255 =---------------------------------------------------------
The head of his dingus went in;
He felt sure he was going to win.
He thrust like a demon,
He spilt all his semem,
And scraped off an square inch of skin
-= limericks =-= 256 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young lady of Bicester
Who was a lot far nicer than her sister.
The sister would giggle
And wiggle and jiggle,
But this one would come when you kissed her.
-= limericks =-= 257 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young fellow named Charteris,
Put his hand where his young lady's garter is.
She said, "I don't mind,
And up higher you'll find
The place where my fucker and farter is.
-= limericks =-= 258 =---------------------------------------------------------
There were three ladies from Huxom
And whenever we see em, we fucks 'em,
And when that game grows stale,
We sit on the rail
And we pull out our cocks and they sucks 'em.
-= limericks =-= 259 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was an old lady who lay
With her legs wide apart in the hay,
Then calling the ploughman,
She said, "Do it now man,
Don't wait till your hair has turned grey."
-= limericks =-= 260 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young lady of lee
Who scrambled up into a tree.
When she got there,
Her asshole was bare,
And so was her K U N T.
-= limericks =-= 261 =---------------------------------------------------------
In the shade of an old apple tree,
Where between her fat legs, I could see
A little brown spot
With the hair in a knot
And it certainly looked good to me
-= limericks =-= 262 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a fat lady of China
Who had an enormous vagina
And when she was dead
They painted it red
And used it for docking a liner.
-= limericks =-= 263 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was an old man of Newport
Whose prick was remarkably short.
When he got into bed,
The old woman said,
"This isn't a prick, it's a wart!"
-= limericks =-= 264 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young fellow from Florida
Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her.
When they got into bed,
He cried, "God strike me dead,
This ain't a cunt, it's a corridor!"
-= limericks =-= 265 =---------------------------------------------------------
A fellow whose surname was Hunt
Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt.
This versatile spout
Could be turned inside out
Like a glove and be used as a cunt.
-= limericks =-= 266 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was an old man of Duluth
Whose cock was shot off in his youth.
He fucked with his nose,
And his fingers and toes,
And he came through a hole in his tooth.
-= limericks =-= 267 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young girl, very sweet,
Who thought sailors' meat quite a treat.
When she sat on their lap,
She unbuttoned their flap
And always had plenty to eat.
-= limericks =-= 268 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young lady of Mott
Who inserted a fly up her twat
And pretended the buzz
Was not what it was,
But something she knew it was not.
-= limericks =-= 269 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young lady named Sutton
Who said as she carved up the mutton.
"My father preferred
The last sheep in the herd;
This is one of his children I'm cutting."
-= limericks =-= 270 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young man named Mcphee
Who was stung in the balls by a bee.
He made oodles of money
By oozing pure honey
Everytime he attempted to pee.
-= limericks =-= 271 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young man had the art
Of making a capital tart
With a handful of shit
Some snot and a spit
And he'd flavour the whole with a fart.
-= limericks =-= 272 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young man of the tweed
Who sucked his wife's ass with a reed.
When she had diarrhea,
He'd let no one come near
For the fear they should poach on his feed.
-= limericks =-= 273 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young pair from Uganda
Who were having a fuck on a veranda.
The drip from their fucks
Fed forty two ducks,
Three geese, and a fucking big gander.
-= limericks =-= 274 =---------------------------------------------------------
A hungry old trollop from Yemen
Did a pretty good business with He-men.
But she gave up all fucking
In favour of sucking
For the protein contained in the semen.
-= limericks =-= 275 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young fellow named Biddle
Whose girl had to teach him to fiddle.
She grabbed hold of his bow
And said, "If you want to know,
You can try parting my hair in the middle."
-= limericks =-= 276 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young fellow named Simon
Who tried to discover a hymen.
But he found every girl
Had relinguished her pearl
In exchange for a solitaire diamond.
-= limericks =-= 277 =---------------------------------------------------------
A near-sighted chap named Coulter
Led a glamorous gal to the altar.
Quite lovely he thought her
Till some strong soap and hot water
Made her look like the rock of Gibraltar.
-= limericks =-= 278 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young girl of Spitzbergen
Where people all thought her a virgin
Till they found her in bed
With her quim very red
And the head of a kid just emerging
-= limericks =-= 279 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was an old spinster of Tyre
Who bellowed, "MY CUNT IS ON FIRE!"
So a fireman was found,
Brought his engine around
And extinguished her burning desire.
-= limericks =-= 280 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was an old man of Corfu
Who fed upon cunt-juice and spew.
When he couldn't get that,
He ate what he shat
And a bloody good shit he shat too.
-= limericks =-= 281 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young lady of Totten
Whose tastes grew perverted and rotten.
She cared not for steaks
Or the pastries and cakes
But lived upon penis au gratin.
-= limericks =-= 282 =---------------------------------------------------------
A young trapeze artist named Bract,
Is faced by a very sad fact.
Imagine his pain,
When again and again,
He catches his wife in the act.
-= limericks =-= 283 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young girl of Claridges
Who said, "What a strange thing marriage is.
When you stop to think
That I've put down the sink,
Five abortions, and fifty miscarriages."
-= limericks =-= 284 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a girl from the five and ten
Who diddled herself with a fountain pen.
The top came off,
The ink went wild,
And now she's the mother of a coloured child."
-= limericks =-= 285 =---------------------------------------------------------
An efficient young fellow named Dave
Said, "Think of the time that I save
By avoiding vacations,
And sexy relations,
And taking a crap while I shave."
-= limericks =-= 286 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young man from Rangoon
Whose farts could be heard to the moon.
When you'd least expect 'em,
They'd burst from his rectum
With the force of a raging typhoon.
-= limericks =-= 287 =---------------------------------------------------------
A gardener named Kenneth McDeare
Likes plants more than women, we fear.
"He's hardly perennial."
Say folks who know Kenny well.
"He only comes up once a year"
-= limericks =-= 288 =---------------------------------------------------------
A gay prison chaplain named Locke
Had a passion for hard convict cock.
For his ass-holey ways
In his alcatraz days,
He was nicknamed the piece of the rock.
-= limericks =-= 289 =---------------------------------------------------------
A chap they all call Aloysius
Of his wife and a guy grew suspysius
And quicker than you'd think
He found them by the sink
But they were only doing the dysius.
-= limericks =-= 290 =---------------------------------------------------------
Since the girl couldn't type, she was fired;
And asked to explain why she was hired.
"The executive's dong
Is only four inches long.
I thought shorthand was all he required"
-= limericks =-= 291 =---------------------------------------------------------
Said an ardent young bridegroom named Trask,
"I will grant any wish that you ask,"
Said the bride, "Kiss me, dearie,
Until I grow weary,"
But he died of old age at the task.
-= limericks =-= 292 =---------------------------------------------------------
A nutty old doctor named Green
Thought he'd try out a brand new vaccine,
Gave himself an injection
That cure the infection,
And even grew hair on his *thing*.
-= limericks =-= 293 =---------------------------------------------------------
Said a pretty young lady from Croft,
Whilst amusing herself in the loft,
"Salami or wurst
Is what I choose first,
But with baloney I know I've been boffed"
-= limericks =-= 294 =---------------------------------------------------------
In a conference, lonely Fred posted
His plea for a friendly young co-ed
The response was frenetic
From gals energetic
And he died when his modem exploded
-= limericks =-= 295 =---------------------------------------------------------
A Cajun gourmet named LaSalle,
Is the chef at dat place on Canal.
He put lotta spice
On your red beans an' rice,
And make lightnin' shoot outta your bowel!
-= limericks =-= 296 =---------------------------------------------------------
My back aches, my pussy is sore,
I simply can't fuck any more,
I'm covered with sweat,
And you haven't come yet,
And my God, it's a quarter to four!
-= limericks =-= 297 =---------------------------------------------------------
Said a swinging young girl named Lyth
Whose virtue was largely a myth,
"Try as hard as I can,
I can't find a man
That it's fun to be virtuous with."
-= limericks =-= 298 =---------------------------------------------------------
The youth who frequent picture palaces
Have no use for psychoanalysis,
And although Dr Freud
Is distinctly annoyed,
They cling to their long-standing fallacies.
-= limericks =-= 299 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a queen of Bulgaria
Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
Till a prince from Peru
Who came up for a screw
Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
-= limericks =-= 300 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a fiesty young terrier
Who liked to bite girls on the derriere.
He'd yip and he'd yap,
Then leap up and snap;
And the fairer the derriere the merrier.
-= limericks =-= 301 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young girl of Angina
Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
From the love-making frock,
(with the proper sized cock)
Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor.
-= limericks =-= 302 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young girl of Darjeeling
Who could dance with such exquisite feeling.
There was never a sound
For miles around,
Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
-= limericks =-= 303 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young lady named Clair
Who possessed a magnificent pair.
Or at least so I thought,
Till I saw one get caught
On a thorn, and began losing air.
-= limericks =-= 304 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was once a young man named MacBride
Who fell into a privy and died.
MacBride had a brother
Who fell in another,
And now they're interred side by side.
-= limericks =-= 305 =---------------------------------------------------------
He could vary, with proper persuasion,
His fart to suit any occasion.
He could fart like a flute
Like a lark, like a lute,
This highly fartistic Caucasian.
-= limericks =-= 306 =---------------------------------------------------------
He'd fart a gavotte for a starter,
And fizzle a fine serenata.
He could play on his anus
The Coriolanus:
Oof, boom, er-tum, tootle, hum tah-dah!
-= limericks =-= 307 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young man named Ringer,
Who was seducing a beautiful singer.
He said with a grin,
"I've now rammed it in!"
She said, "You mean that isn't your finger?"
-= limericks =-= 308 =---------------------------------------------------------
There is a young lass of Valencia
For whom sex is a form of dementia.
For the first hour she's quiet
Then she builds to a riot
With a noise that grows quickly intensia.
-= limericks =-= 309 =---------------------------------------------------------
He was great in the Christmas Cantata,
He could double-stop fart The Toccata,
He'd boom from his ass
Bach's B-Minor Mass,
And in counterpoint, La Traviata.
-= limericks =-= 310 =---------------------------------------------------------
Spurred on by a very high wager
With an envious Lieutenant Major,
He proceeded to fart
The complete oboe part
Of the Hayden Octet in B-Major.
-= limericks =-= 311 =---------------------------------------------------------
A disgusting young man named McGill
Made his neighbors exceedingly ill
Because of his habits
Involving white rabbits
And a bird with a flexible bill.
-= limericks =-= 312 =---------------------------------------------------------
Fuck me quick, fuck me deep, fuck me oft
In the bog, in the bath, in the loft;
Up my ass, up my quim.
Knees, armpits, lip rim
With your prick...but *please*...nothing soft.
-= limericks =-= 313 =---------------------------------------------------------
It went off in capital style,
And he farted it through with a smile;
Then, feeling quite jolly,
He tried the finale
Blowing double-stopped farts all the while.
-= limericks =-= 314 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young girl named Prentice
Who had an affair with her dentist.
He used anathesia
Which made things quite easier
And diddled her non compos mentis.
-= limericks =-= 315 =---------------------------------------------------------
A man loved a gal named Bundy
Who came from the Bay of Fundy.
But to his despair,
She gave him the air
Sic transit gloria mundi.
-= limericks =-= 316 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young maid from Madras,
With a most remarkable ass.
Not pump, round and pink,
As you undoubtably think;
But, grey, with long ears, and ate grass!
-= limericks =-= 317 =---------------------------------------------------------
A lady on climbing Mount Shasta
Complained as the mountain grew vaster,
That it wasn't the climb
Nor the dirt nor the grime
But the ice on her ass that harassed her.
-= limericks =-= 318 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young man from St. Paul's
Who read Harper's Bazaar and McCall's
Till he grew such a passion
For feminine fashion
That he knitted a snood for his balls.
-= limericks =-= 319 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a girl from New Haven
Whose pubic hair was not shaven
But missing because
She slept without drawers
Within range of a nest building raven.
-= limericks =-= 320 =---------------------------------------------------------
A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux
Fell in love with a dashing young beau.
To entice his regard
She would squat in his yard
And appealingly piss in the snow.
-= limericks =-= 321 =---------------------------------------------------------
A corpulent lady named Kroll
Had an idea exceedingly droll:
She went to a ball
Dressed in nothing at all
And backed in as a Parker House roll.
-= limericks =-= 322 =---------------------------------------------------------
A sweet young strip-dancer named Jane
Wore five inches of thin cellophane.
When asked why she wore it,
She said, "I abhor it,
But my cunt juice would spatter like rain."
-= limericks =-= 323 =---------------------------------------------------------
The Farter From Sparta
There was a young fellow from Sparta,
A really magnificent farter,
On the strength of one bean
He'd fart God Save The Queen,
And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.
-= limericks =-= 324 =---------------------------------------------------------
Two elephants named Harry and Fay
Could not kiss with their trunks in the way.
So they boarded a plane,
They're now kissing in Maine,
Because their trunks got sent to L.A.
-= limericks =-= 325 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a man from Sutter,
Who used to jerk off in the gutter,
Till the tropical sun,
Played hell on his gun,
And turned all his cream into butter.
-= limericks =-= 326 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a fellow named Clyde,
Who fell in an outhouse and died.
Along came his brother
Who fell in another,
And now they're interred side by side.
-= limericks =-= 327 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was old Chinese drunk,
Who set sail away on his junk,
While dreaming of Venus,
He played with his penis,
Till he floated away in the spunk.
-= limericks =-= 328 =---------------------------------------------------------
From a niche in the crypt at Saint Giles
Came a sound which resounded for miles.
"My goodness gracious,"
Said Father Ignatius.
"I forgot that the Bishop has piles."
-= limericks =-= 329 =---------------------------------------------------------
There once was a girl of Siam
Who said to her lover, young Kiam
"If you take me, of course,
You must do it by force
But, thank God, you're stronger than I am."
-= limericks =-= 330 =---------------------------------------------------------
While in Athens a tourist named Joan
Told her guide, with a trace of a groan,
"Though a fuck is just fine
when I'm lying supine
It's a pain in the ass when I'm prone!"
-= limericks =-= 331 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young vampire called Mabel
Whose periods were very unstable.
One night by the moon,
She pulled out a spoon
And drank herself under the table.
-= limericks =-= 332 =---------------------------------------------------------
Mathematical Limerick
Integral z-squared dz,
From 1 to the square root of 3,
Times the cosine,
Of 3 pi over nine
Equals log of the cube root of e.
and it's correct too!
Submitted by Doug Walker, SAS Institute.
-= limericks =-= 333 =---------------------------------------------------------
Mathematical limerick.
_
12 + 144 + 20 + 3 \/4 2
--------------------- + 5*11 = 9 + 0
7
Reads as:
A dozen, a gross, and a score
Plus three times the square root of four
Divided by seven
Plus five times eleven
Is nine squared, and not a bit more.
-= limericks =-= 334 =---------------------------------------------------------
There was a young man from south Boston
Who's car was a small compact Austin.
There was just room inside
For his hair and his hide,
But his balls still hung out, so he lost 'em.
-= limericks =-= 335 =---------------------------------------------------------
]NEW[
There once was a man of Belfast
Whose balls out of iron were cast.
He managed somehow
To bugger a sow,
Thus you get pig-iron, at last.
-= limericks =-= 336 =---------------------------------------------------------
]NEW[
There was a young girl of Samoa
Who determined that no man should know her.
One young fellow tried
But she wriggled aside
And spilled all the spermatozoa.
-= limericks =-= 337 =---------------------------------------------------------
]NEW[
When Lady Penelope swoons,
Her tits pop out like balloons.
Parker stands by,
With a gleam in his eye,
And pops them back in with warm spoons.
-= limericks =-= 338 =---------------------------------------------------------
]NEW[
The was a young man from Dundee,
Who was stung on the neck by a wasp.
When asked "did it hurt",
He said "No, not a bit,
It can do it again if it wants."
-= limericks =-= 339 =---------------------------------------------------------
]NEW[
There was a young Scotsman called Andy,
Who knocked over his bottle of Shandy.
He lifted his kilt,
To wipe up what he spilt,
And the barmaid said, "Blimey! That's handy!"
-= limericks =-= 340 =---------------------------------------------------------
]NEW[
I had an ox as a friend.
I used to call her Gen.
This ain't absurd,
You must have heard
Of good old oxy Gen.
-= limericks =-= 341 =---------------------------------------------------------
]NEW[
On a bridge overlooking a ravine
Archibald was screwing Kathleen.
The force of his lunge
Caused the whole bridge to plunge.
The worst fucking disaster yet seen.
-= limericks =-= 342 =---------------------------------------------------------
]NEW[
There was a young man from Lyme
Who couldn't get limericks to sound right.
When asked why not
It was said that he thought
They were overly long and far to complex, possibly even dull.
-= limericks =-= 343 =---------------------------------------------------------
]NEW[
A modest young girl named Oola
Once donned a grass skirt to dance Hula
A cow ate the grass
Exposing her ass
Now she's no longer modest but coola
================================================================================
== BATHROOM RHYMES AND GRAFFITI ================================================
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 1 =--------------------------------------
Some people come to sit and think.
Others come to shit and stink.
I come here to rest my balls and
Read the words upon the walls.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 2 =--------------------------------------
Here I lie in stinky vapor,
Because some bastard stole the toilet paper,
Shall I lie, or shall I linger,
Or shall I be forced to use my finger.
Here I sit in the misty vapor.
Someone stole the toilet paper.
I cannot wait, I cannot linger,
Watch out ass, here comes the finger!
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 3 =--------------------------------------
Here I sit
What a caper
I have to shit
But I'm out of paper
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 4 =--------------------------------------
Some people are poor
While others are rich
But a shithouse poet
Is a son of a bitch
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 5 =--------------------------------------
The painters work is all in vain
The shithouse poet strikes again
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 6 =--------------------------------------
Here I sit in stinking vapor
Some son of a bitch stole the paper!
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 7 =--------------------------------------
Here I sit
Cheeks a flexin'
Squeezin' out
Another Texan.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 8 =--------------------------------------
To the shithouse poet
When he should die,
There should be erected,
Broad and high,
For his cunning
And for his wit,
A solid monument of shit.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 9 =--------------------------------------
When this tiolet cleaner finally dies,
He will find erected in the skies,
A tribute to his glorious wit,
A monument of solid shit.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 10 =--------------------------------------
Here I sit
Broken hearted
Tried to shit
But only farted
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 11 =--------------------------------------
Better that
Than take a chance,
Costs more than a dime
To launder pants.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 12 =--------------------------------------
You're lucky
You had your chance
I tried to fart,
And shit my pants!
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 13 =--------------------------------------
I came here
To shit and stink,
But all I do
Is sit and think.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 14 =--------------------------------------
Here I sit
And contemplate.
Should I shit
Or masturbate?
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 15 =--------------------------------------
Here I sit in dull repose,
That fart you left still burns my nose.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 16 =--------------------------------------
It makes me wonder, to see such wit,
If Shakespeare had been here to shit.
Some swear they saw Shakespeare walk in,
But others say that fart was Bacon.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 17 =--------------------------------------
No matter how you move
Or how you dance,
The last drop always winds up
In your pants.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 18 =--------------------------------------
Give me a muff with thighs on both sides
That's furry and pink all covered with stink;
I don't even care if it's old or it's new,
Cause what the hell, it's something to screw.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 19 =--------------------------------------
Some come here to sit and think,
Some come here to shit and stink,
But I come here to scratch my balls,
And read the bullshit on the walls...
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 20 =--------------------------------------
People who write on bathroom walls
Roll their shit into little balls.
Those who read their words of wit,
Eat those little balls of shit.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 21 =--------------------------------------
Here I sit, buns a-flexin,
Just gave birth to another Texan
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 22 =--------------------------------------
Here I sit
On the pooper,
Giving birth
To another state trooper.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 23 =--------------------------------------
(seen during the height of the Iranian/U.S. hostage crisis)
Here I sit, buns a-strainin'
Just gave birth to another Iranian
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 24 =--------------------------------------
Here I sit, so broken hearted
Paid my dime and only farted.
Yesterday though,
I took a chance,
Saved my dime,
But shit my pants.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 25 =--------------------------------------
Here I sit, so broken hearted,
Paid my dime and only farted.
First a push, then a squeeze,
And out it came like melted cheese.
Then I had some prunes to eat,
And now there's shit up to the seat.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 26 =--------------------------------------
(written high upon the wall)
If you can piss above this line, the Hillsboro Fire Department want's you.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 27 =--------------------------------------
(written high upon the wall above a urinal)
Don't look up here, the joke's in your hand.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 28 =--------------------------------------
Written above a urinal:
You hold in your hands your family's future.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 29 =--------------------------------------
Seen above a urinal:
If you think some people are gay, look at what you're holding!
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 30 =--------------------------------------
(written high upon the wall)
Look up here and you're pissin' on your shoes!
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 31 =--------------------------------------
Sign over a urinal:
Attention, [ethnic group], the rock candy in the urinals is NOT for you.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 32 =--------------------------------------
Sign over a urinal:
Don't eat the big mint...it's been kinda' sour the last couple times!
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 33 =--------------------------------------
More than two shakes and your enjoying it too much.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 34 =--------------------------------------
Written on the toilet paper dispenser: "Get your sociology degree here."
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 35 =--------------------------------------
Sign posted in a bathroom:
We aim to please!
You aim too! Please!
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 36 =--------------------------------------
Seen above a urinal:
Please do not throw cigarette butts in our urinal.
We don't piss in your ashtrays!
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 37 =--------------------------------------
There's no use standing on the seat.
The crabs in here can jump 6 feet.
There's no use going in the one next door.
The ones in there jump 6 foot four.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 38 =--------------------------------------
If you wipe it more than once, you're playing with it.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 39 =--------------------------------------
I do not like this place at all:
The seat is too high and the hole is too small.
[In another handwriting]
You open yourself to a simple retort:
Your ass is too big and your legs are too short.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 40 =--------------------------------------
How dry I am,
How wet I'll be,
If I don't find
The bathroom key.
So I find the key,
I open the door,
Oops! too late,
It's on the floor.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 41 =--------------------------------------
I sat down on the toilet to take a shit and I noticed this writing scrawled on
the wall slanted. I leaned over to read it and it said:
If you can read this, you are now shitting at a 45 degree angle...
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 42 =--------------------------------------
Written on the toilet paper dispenser: 'This toilet paper is like Clint
Eastwood; They're both rough and tough and don't take shit off of anybody!'
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 43 =--------------------------------------
Taking a piss at a urinal, on the wall, 'Please excuse the mess on the floor; My
aim is a little off today...' "
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 44 =--------------------------------------
Ever notice hard it is to pull out toilet paper from some dispensers? Written on
one particular dispenser: 'Took me 5 minutes to shit, 15 minutes to wipe my ass!
Somebody oil this MO-FO roller!'
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 45 =--------------------------------------
Notice in Men's toilet:
"We aim to please, so you aim too, please."
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 46 =--------------------------------------
If you sprinkle
while you tinkle,
please be neat
and wipe the seat
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 47 =--------------------------------------
Don't throw toothpicks in the urinals; crabs pole-vault!
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 48 =--------------------------------------
At the Los Angeles Air Force Base, the following was on the wall of one bathroom
(common bathroom for men and women):
Those with short stacks, low manifold pressure, or afterburner leakage, please
taxi up to the runway.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 49 =--------------------------------------
I wish I were the toilet paper
In my girlfriend's hand
So every time she wiped
I could see the promised land!
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 50 =--------------------------------------
Will the asshole who leaves the floaters everyday cut the crap and flush twice.
It's a long way to LA.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 51 =--------------------------------------
Scratched into the paint of the condom-dispensing machine were these words:
"Don't buy this gum, it tastes like rubber."
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 52 =--------------------------------------
Written on one of the condom vending machines:
For refund, insert baby.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 53 =--------------------------------------
Written above a urinal in the men's restroom:
"No matter how much you wiggle,
no matter how much you dance,
the last two drops go down your pants!
(I just wipe mine off with my tie)"
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 54 =--------------------------------------
On the inside of a toilet door:
Patrons are requested to remain seated throughout the entire performance.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 55 =--------------------------------------
Support bacteria, It's the only culture most people have.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 56 =--------------------------------------
Our aim is to keep the toilet clean. Your aim would be appreciated.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 57 =--------------------------------------
"$1.49 - All You Can Eat" (with an arrow pointing down into the toilet)
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 58 =--------------------------------------
What does toilet paper and the Starship Enterprise have in common?
They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 59 =--------------------------------------
Written above a urinal in the mens restroom:
We are urinals! We don't take no shit!
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 60 =--------------------------------------
In the engineering building, in small print low on the wall in the front of the
stall so you had to lean forward to read it:
You are now shitting at a 45 degree angle.
Sure enough, he was right.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 61 =--------------------------------------
"Here I sat to take a dump.
Out it squirmed, a greasy lump.
Greenish-black, like melting tar
Or oil from an old used car.
It floats a moment, then it sinks.
My chunky cable - how it stinks!
My ass cheeks tremble, my sphincter sighs,
And cramps of exhaustion clench my thighs.
I weep with pride at my slimy shit,
And ROB is the name I give to it!"
- Lord Byron
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 62 =--------------------------------------
In one persons handwriting -
I love Amy M.
In someone elses right below it -
Who hasn't?
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 63 =--------------------------------------
I stink, therefore I am.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 64 =--------------------------------------
Written on a bathroom wall:
"Question Authority"
and written beneath it:
"Why?"
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 65 =--------------------------------------
A sign I saw at a swimming pool once:
We don't swim in your toilet,
so please don't pee in our pool!
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 66 =--------------------------------------
Another sign seen at a swimming pool:
Welcome to our ool.
Notice there's no P in it.
Please keep it that way.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 67 =--------------------------------------
If you find there is no paper,
Use your finger as a scraper.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 68 =--------------------------------------
Scrawled inside a toilet stall of a college chemistry building:
For a really high time, call CH3-COOH.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 69 =--------------------------------------
here I sit
arms enfolding
my melting body.
I'm wondering of you
as I slowly become one
with the chair that holds me.
Here I Sit
----------
(as I slowly become one / with the chair that holds me)
:1:
Here I sit down, broken-hearted
Trying to push a yet unstarted
Poem into bright creation -
Oh, the pains of constipation!
Hours have passed, I've merely parted
Rump cheeks and effetely farted
Those weak blasts of wind excluded
Nothing concrete has extruded!
Other assholes far more shitten
In their time have poems written
Am I such a fucked up nerd
That can't shit a single turd?
:2:
As I sit disgorging vapour
My pen rests on toilet paper
Spreading ink out from its tip -
Till the fragile sheets will rip,
And create a sphinctral fissure
Which the pen, with lightest pressure,
Will advance through, triumphally
... deepening my melancholy.
Save me lord from poet's clog!
Spare me this cramped stinky bog!
This unending waiting on
A clammy bum-unfriendly john!
:3:
No! I will not sit and mope!
Yes! I'll sit, with rumbling hope
To my tum a glow imparting,
Wishing shitting, faintly farting,
Till my muse gets off her butt
And proceeds to squeeze my gut -
Then will plop a finely worded
Poem, goldenly bemerded,
In a blaze of spice (and fury
of the evening's hot tandoori
chicken ...) and in one grand motion
I'll have spewed my gut-emotion!
:Epilogue:
So I *will* sit, spouting gas
Even if, in hours that pass,
Crap coats brain and blood runs shitten -
I won't rise till something's written!
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 70 =--------------------------------------
In the Crown & Anchor Pub Ladies Room (Austin, Texas)
If you can't trust me with a Choice,
How can you trust me with a Child?
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 71 =--------------------------------------
Seen in a college chemistry building's men's room:
Flush twice - this has to go all the way to the cafeteria!
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 72 =--------------------------------------
Sticker attached to electric hand-dryer in public restroom:
Push button for a message from Congress.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 73 =--------------------------------------
Seen in a bathroom at a truck stop near Las Vegas, Nevada:
There used to be a Mexican joke here...but it slid off.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 74 =--------------------------------------
Various graffiti written into the grout:
Alexander the Grout
All creatures grout and small
Down and Grout
Grout Expectations
Grout Expectations
Grout Googly Moogly
Grout balls of fire
Grout dane
Grout expectations
Grout fishing in America
Grout of sight, Grout of mind
Grout scott
Groutful Dead
Saur Grout
Sometimes a Grout Notion
The Grout Divide
The Grout Gatsby
The Grout Groutdoors
Take me grout to the ball game
Three Strikes You're Grout
Twist and grout
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 75 =--------------------------------------
God knows why you're doing this, but...
"I feel so strongly about toilet graffiti, I signed a partition." :-)
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 76 =--------------------------------------
In the mens restroom a couple of years ago, Hamburguesa restaurant, Old Town,
San Diego, CA (The restaurant has since changed its name; I don't remember the
current name)...
The paper towel dispenser had the usual "Wash your Hands" / "Lavese las Manos"
sign on it. Below "Lavese las Manos", someone had written -
...and his big-band sound.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 77 =--------------------------------------
My favorite little anecdote, which I saw written on the toilet stall wall in the
Engineering Building on the campus of Memorial University of Newfoundland
located in St. John's, Newfoundland, Canada, is as follows:
I FUCKED YOUR MOTHER!
to which someone else wrote:
GO HOME DAD YOU'RE DRUNK!
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 78 =--------------------------------------
Richard Nixon should pull out before it's too late, just like his father
should've.
Humanities Hall, second floor, men's room, U.C. Irvine, early to middle 1970's.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 79 =--------------------------------------
It's dated but my favorite is still:
Don't Change Dicks in the middle of a screw,
Vote for Nixon in 72
Found on the wall in Hipps Bubble Room in San Antonio, Texas
(may it rest in peace, demolished to erect a condominium)
Hey! It may be dated but it made me laugh so hard I peed on my shoe!
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 80 =--------------------------------------
In front of urinal at Baked in Telluride, Co.:
Don't look now but you've got your best friend by the neck.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 81 =--------------------------------------
If black is beautiful, I just shit a masterpiece.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 82 =--------------------------------------
From the restroom of Maggie Mae's, 6th St., Austin TX.
Why can't we just all get a bong...
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 83 =--------------------------------------
From the restroom of some nameless crawfish restaurant in the middle of nowhere
off of I-10 in southern Louisiana:
Nixon did for America what pantyhose did for finger fucking...
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 84 =--------------------------------------
Bill Clinton gave head in college, but didn't swallow.
(to which someone else wrote)
No, but George and Ronnie did and it was the only thing they could do right.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 85 =--------------------------------------
Tell us how long your dick is.
(to which someone else wrote)
I can't find it.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 86 =--------------------------------------
Imagine you are reading this as you are trying to take a dump...
Eat shit! 1.9 trillion flies (estimated population of flies) can't be ALL wrong.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 87 =--------------------------------------
This toilet paper is like Clint Eastwood, tough and hard, and takes no shit.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 88 =--------------------------------------
My mother made me a whore.
(to which someone else added)
If I give her the yarn, will she make me one too?
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 89 =--------------------------------------
Found in mens room Eros Cinema in Bombay
Neighbor's envy, Owner's Pride
This is originally from a TV commercial.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 90 =--------------------------------------
The following are sort of traditional in mens restrooms in the U.K.
Life's like a pubic hair on toilet bowl - you soon get pissed off.
Written above head height in the urinals:
If you can piss this far, you should join the fire brigade.
If mens brains were as big as their balls, there would be a lot less writing on
toilet walls.
Also written on the urinals:
Remember - more than three shakes is a wank.
One more from the urinals:
No matter how much you shake your peg, the last drop always runs down your leg.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 91 =--------------------------------------
Don't throw cigarette butts in the urinal, as it makes them soggy and hard to
light.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 92 =--------------------------------------
Written very low on the left wall:
If you read this, you're pissing on your right shoe.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 93 =--------------------------------------
Here's one that had a lot of additions to it, which I'll try to represent with
little arrows. I hope it comes across clear enough. It's a good example of
people reading things differently (mind you, the original graffiti was somewhat
sloppy, allowing for the subsequent "discussion"). Oh yeah, it starts with "A
guy goes...".
Is that an "i" or an "o"? ___
|
___Is that a "u" or an "a"? [--I can't believe how blind you are
|
A guy goes to lunch with his mother
what he means to say is "pass the butter"
but what comes out is "you f&#&*ed up my life you bitch"
It all comes from the Crown & Anchor in Austin, Tx. I hope you can follow it.
It's pretty funny when you're there (and drunk).
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 94 =--------------------------------------
In the computer center mens bathroom:
For a Good Time - Email mac100s@oduvm
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 95 =--------------------------------------
The MAIN thing is to keep the MAIN thing the Main thing.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 96 =--------------------------------------
Seen in the mens' room in a women's dorm at USC:
Just think of the miles of Fallopian tubes that surround you that you won't be
able to get near.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 97 =--------------------------------------
Stamp out graffiti.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 98 =--------------------------------------
From the men's room of The Hole In The Wall, Austin, Tx, 1993:
Milk the cow
Feed the hen
My life is yours
You kill
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 99 =--------------------------------------
In the Intercultural Center on the first floor, on the floor between two stalls,
it reads:
Tap foot. If other person taps back, kneel under for j.o. or b.j.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 100 =--------------------------------------
My current favorite bathroom graffiti (besides the obligatory wallborn personal
ads penned by gays) is a recent exchange posted on the wall of the first floor
men's room in Perkins Library. The "bait" reads "Fight for the rights of the
pansexual." After the usual bible-beater remarks about how homosexuality is a
sin, and all pansexuals will therefore burn in hell, there was a string of
humorous responses. The first was:
Does that mean you fuck a little guy with hooves and a flute?
They followed:
or does he fuck you?
and what role, if any, is played by the flute?
It plays an octave, albeit minor, role.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 101 =--------------------------------------
A scrawler had written:
Don't try to decribe the ocean if you've never seen it. (a Jimmy Buffett quote)
to which someone else replied:
It's no larger than the space between your ears.
This was followed by:
You too, my friend; you're so deep you're drowning.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 102 =--------------------------------------
In the third floor bathroom of the Student Center, one squatter scrawled:
Insanity is to art what garlic is to salad.
to which someone replied:
Waiter, there's too much garlic in my salad.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 103 =--------------------------------------
Under a sign that said "Employees Must Wash Hands," someone scribbled:
I waited and waited, but I finally washed them myself.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 104 =--------------------------------------
In days of old
When men were bold
And toilets weren't invented
Men left their load
Upon the road
And walked away contented
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 105 =--------------------------------------
In days of old
When knights were bold
And paper wasn't invented
They'd wipe their ass
On a clump of grass
And walk away contented
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 106 =--------------------------------------
In days of old
When knights were bold
And ladies weren't invented
The knight drilled holes
In telegraph poles
And had to be contented
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 107 =--------------------------------------
In days of old
When knights were bold
And condoms weren't invented.
They tied a sock,
Around their cock
And babies were prevented.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 108 =--------------------------------------
In days of old
When knights were bold
And women weren't particular.
They lined them up
Against the wall
And did it perpendicular.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 109 =--------------------------------------
I saw this in Chester Street, a gay bar in Champaign, IL. In the men's
bathroom, inside of a stall, it said "Joe eats pussy".
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 110 =--------------------------------------
UT Campus Austin, TX:
Urine the bathroom.
Urine trouble.
Look what a mess urine.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 111 =--------------------------------------
Seen in a local bar, recently:
For a good time, call ###-#### and ask for Mary.
For a BAD time, tell Mary where you got this number.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 112 =--------------------------------------
How about this little ditty discovered in a public toilet in London?
As you sit to take a shit
Rest a while and think a bit.
The last time that I beat my meat,
Was on this very toilet seat.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 113 =--------------------------------------
Written above a urinal:
Stand close. It's shorter than you think.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 114 =--------------------------------------
As a boy, my Dad used to fish off the end of a pier in the San Fransisco Bay.
There was an old-style outhouse (no longer there) on the pier, put there by the
owner. Apparently the owner got tired of people making a mess of his outhouse,
so he wrote the following on the wall inside:
If you shit
upon the floor,
I will lock
the shithouse door.
- Owner
A person who apparently had frequent need to visit the outhouse responded below
the owner's message with:
If the shithouse
door you lock,
I'll throw your shithouse
off the dock.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 115 =--------------------------------------
The mens' restroom at Northern Telecom's Atlanta location (since closed down
:-( ) had blackboards on the walls of the stalls with chalk for writing graffiti
(true). People ignored the chalk and wrote on the blackboards with pen.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 116 =--------------------------------------
In University of Washington's Physics Hall, circa 1984, below toilet seat cover
dispenser:
Walter Mondale's election hats
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 117 =--------------------------------------
In the men's room at a Denny's restaurant:
It takes the human body about 24 hours to turn good food into shit.
It only takes Denny's 10 minutes.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 118 =--------------------------------------
In case of nuclear war, hide in the urinal. Nobody ever hits 'em anyway.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 119 =--------------------------------------
Sign over urinal in mens room in Cambridge, Mass. bar near Harvard:
We don't sell our beer, we just rent it.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 120 =--------------------------------------
In a truck stop somewhere in Oklahoma:
Captain's Log: Me & Spock beamed down to shit.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 121 =--------------------------------------
Written over faded instructions on electric hand dryer:
Push button
Rub hands together vigorously under air stream
Wipe hands on pants
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 122 =--------------------------------------
Here I sit
to shit again.
But instead of landing in the bowl,
it landed on my pen.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 123 =--------------------------------------
Sign seen at a restaurant:
The hands that clean these toilets also make your food...please aim properly.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 124 =--------------------------------------
They paint these walls to cover my pen,
but the shithouse poet has struck again.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 125 =--------------------------------------
The angle of the dangle is in direct proportion to the heat of the meat and the
mass of the ass.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 126 =--------------------------------------
Here I sit, I'm at a loss
trying to shit out taco sauce.
When it comes, I hope and pray,
I don't blow my ass away.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 127 =--------------------------------------
(written under a picture of crudely drawn flower)
Hi. I'm Johnny. I am five years old. I couldn't think of anything dirty to
say, so I drew this fucking flower.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 128 =--------------------------------------
Here's one seen above a urinal:
look up
2: What language is this, Esperanto?
3: Ne, tiu lingvo ne estas Esperanto - estas Morrison.
4: I saw Morris on TV in the cat food commercial!
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 133 =--------------------------------------
Seen in front of the urinals at a college in Montreal:
You're holding your future in your hands!
Someone had added:
And it doesn't look too promising!
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 134 =--------------------------------------
One of the funniest I've seen was also the simplest:
Fart loud if you love Jesus!
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 135 =--------------------------------------
Scribbling graffiti on the toilets
Was never difficult a bit:
Among the shit, you all are poets;
Among the poets, you all are shit.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 136 =--------------------------------------
Here's one I saw at the showers at an army base: (sounds much better in hebrew)
If your wife is not at hand, let your hand be your wife.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 137 =--------------------------------------
While your sitting on the toilet you see written on the stall door:
Congratulations! You've one one free game of Toilet Tennis! Look Left.
You look left and it reads:
Look Right
You look right and it reads:
Look Left...
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 138 =--------------------------------------
As I sit in perfect bliss
And listen to the sound of pouring piss
Now and again, a fart is heard
During the splash of falling turd
If the smell of shit can produce such wit
I wonder what would be the taste of it
Come come my friends
Don't be doubtful
Try a handful
Try a mouthful
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 139 =--------------------------------------
Toilet Paper supplied by John Wayne Toilet Inc.
Our Motto: We're ruff and tuff, n' we don't take shit from nobody
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 140 =--------------------------------------
What is it about taking a shit that brings out the philosopher in people?
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 141 =--------------------------------------
In bathroom at Sci/Eng library at Boston U:
How does a mathematician take a shit?
He works it out with pencil and paper.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 142 =--------------------------------------
Scrawled in big black letters on a toilet stall wall:
Everyone writes on the walls but me.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 143 =--------------------------------------
Little orange sticker seen above toilet at Arizona State University in one of
the bathrooms in the Engineering dept:
One free goldfish with purchase of this bowl
(Evidently somebody removed it from a fishbowl)
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 144 =--------------------------------------
Found this written on a toilet bowl:
For Best Taste
Drink By Date
Shown on Bottom
of Can
|
|
\ /
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 145 =--------------------------------------
Eat shit. 20 billion flies can't be wrong.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 146 =--------------------------------------
Damn ye who leaveth a log amongst these stalls!
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 147 =--------------------------------------
I have what every woman wants!
(and written underneath...)
You must be in the fur coat business.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 148 =--------------------------------------
Got this from Texas A&M:
My mother made me a fag
(and under that)
If I gave her the yarn, could she make me one to?
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 149 =--------------------------------------
From University of Arizona
Single white male seeks one dozen doughnuts, assorted flavors.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 150 =--------------------------------------
I am 12 inches long and 4 inches around.
(and written underneath...)
Great! Now how big is your penis?
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 151 =--------------------------------------
On a urinal: Stop me before I piss again.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 152 =--------------------------------------
On the air hand dryers, people usually scratch out the letters on the
instructions to make new directions:
Push Button
is scratch out to be...
Pus Butt
Rub hands under warm air
is scratch out to be...
Rub hands under arm
Stops Automatically
is scratch out to be...
Stop Auto at ally
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 153 =--------------------------------------
One would think from all this wit
That Shakespeare himself came here to shit!
and the (expected) retort,
And that my friend may well be true
For the bard, he had to do it too.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 154 =--------------------------------------
Found in a stall in college, a physics building no less:
x^n + y^n = z^n for n]2, has no integer solutions.
I have a truly wondrous proof of the above statement, but unfortunately I'm late
for class.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 155 =--------------------------------------
The best graffiti I ever saw was when I worked for the government and one of the
bathrooms, right above the toilet paper roll had these words:
You are the only person in this building who knows what he's doing...
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 156 =--------------------------------------
I was here
But now I'm gone
I left my smell
To linger on
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 157 =--------------------------------------
Everybody pisses on the floor. Be a hero and shit on the ceiling.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 158 =--------------------------------------
From Duke University, Psychology bldg, about 1972:
Anal-retentative sadomasochism is the opiate of the masses
so, I changed it to
Anal-retentative sadomasochism is:
1) the opiate of the masses.
and added:
2) The foundation of U.S. foreign policy 1945-73.
others added:
3) The pause that refreshes.
4) The basic building block of friendship.
5) ???
There were about 20 answers to this multiple-choice question before I left Duke.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 159 =--------------------------------------
Above a urinal I read:
The guy that picks the butts out of here is the guy cooking your meal.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 160 =--------------------------------------
Life is like a shit sandwich.
The more bread you have, the less shit you have to eat.
Found on the men's room wall at Cogan's in Norfolk, VA.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 161 =--------------------------------------
This is a teepee for your peepee
Not a wigwam to beat your tomtom!
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 162 =--------------------------------------
(written above a urinal)
Why are you looking up here?
Are you ashamed of it?
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 163 =--------------------------------------
No matter how you shake and dance,
The last drop always falls in the pants.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 164 =--------------------------------------
No matter how much you shake your peg,
The last wee drop runs down your leg.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 165 =--------------------------------------
Be like daddy, not like sis
lift the lid to take a piss.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 166 =--------------------------------------
Some people come here to take a shit,
I come here to leave one.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 167 =--------------------------------------
Don't look now!
you're pissing on your neighbors foot!
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 168 =--------------------------------------
(from the late Clark Gable)
Why should I be proud of something where:
Every monkey is my equal,
and every jackass is my superior?
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 169 =--------------------------------------
On the ceiling above the toilet:
Out to lunch, be back soon.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 170 =--------------------------------------
Written above a urinal in a men's clothing store:
To curtail shoplifting of our overpriced merchandise, these urinal stalls may be
monitored at any time by buxom voluptuous airline stewardesses and horny
divorcees moonlighting as security guards.
Written below that:
If you're longer than 12 inches, you get a 50% discount on our overpriced suits.
And written below that:
And if you're last name is Bobbitt, you get another half off! Prices slashed!
And yet written below that:
Gee, I don't see how you guys sit on these funny-shaped toilets. I can't seem
to stay on without slipping off. Mary.
And yet written below that:
I bet that's what your husband says too every night!
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 171 =--------------------------------------
Please do not bite the woodwork while straining.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 172 =--------------------------------------
Why do turds taper?
To prevent your ass from snapping shut with a bang.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 173 =--------------------------------------
Written at the bottom of the toilet stall:
Beware of gay limbo dancers!
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 174 =--------------------------------------
Alas poor Yorlik, I knew him backwards.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 175 =--------------------------------------
What ever happened to the good old days when men were men and pansies were
flowers?
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 176 =--------------------------------------
I used to think I was a werewolf but I'm alright nooowwwoooooooo...
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 177 =--------------------------------------
Phys204: a waste of time, space, and energy.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 178 =--------------------------------------
Sometimes I wish I was
What I was when
I wished I was
What I am now.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 179 =--------------------------------------
If you are taking a Shit
Please put it back
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 180 =--------------------------------------
Q: Quel est la difference entre un homme et une femme?
A: La difference entre.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 181 =--------------------------------------
(written above a urinal)
I think, therefore I aim.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 182 =--------------------------------------
Seen above a urinal:
Si quieres crecer fuerte y sano,
comete lo que tienes en la mano.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 183 =--------------------------------------
Seen above a urinal:
If you think I'm sick, look at what you're holding!
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 184 =--------------------------------------
Virginity is like a bubble in the mainstream of life:
one prick and it's gone forever!
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 185 =--------------------------------------
Written above a roll of toilet paper:
UCLA diplomas, take one.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 186 =--------------------------------------
A similar variation:
[Arrow pointing to roll of toilet paper]
Arts Degree, take one.
[Another arrow pointing to the roll]
Yeah, but at least you can wipe your ass with this.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 187 =--------------------------------------
Seen in Northern Wisconsin at a bar that had a bad water well:
If it's yellow, let it mellow.
If it's brown, flush it down.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 188 =--------------------------------------
Above the urinal in a gym:
Stand closer, the next person may be barefoot.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 189 =--------------------------------------
The length of the pole should be directly proportional to the depth of the hole!
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 190 =--------------------------------------
If your hose is too short,
Or your pump is too weak,
You'd better stand close,
Or you'll piss on your feet!
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 191 =--------------------------------------
One person actually fell for this one, and burst out laughing in the stall. Good
thing he wasn't at work. It's more of a visual gag. He was sitting in a stall
in the Hoosier Dome in Indianapolis, taking care of business, when he noticed
some writing very far down on the wall, almost to the floor, in very small
print. He leaned way, way over, peering closely, and as the blood was rushing
to my head, read,
"You are now sh*tting upside down."
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 192 =--------------------------------------
Seen in a National Forest Service campground outhouse in Colorado. This was in
an area that is notorious for the number of Texans that overrun the vicinity.
Over the seat was an arrow pointing down, and it had the message:
"Subway to Texas: Take it!"
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 193 =--------------------------------------
Sung to the tune of "Don't get around much anymore"
Missed the toilet last night
Shit all over the floor
Wiped it up with my toothbrush
Don't brush my teeth much anymore
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 194 =--------------------------------------
Seen in a mens restroom:
I was fooling around with my girlfriend at her place and she asked me to kiss
her where it stinks...so I brought her here.
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 195 =--------------------------------------
]NEW[
From Jukka Kauppinen [jkauppin@muikku.jmp.fi]:
I work in a big Finnish publication company, which houses maybe 20 different
monthly magazines under the same roof. The magazines are located in two
different floors, and have very near connections to each other. So there are
common kitchens and toilets. One of the toilets have rather excellent sign,
which, if I remember right, someone found from a hotel abroad, and brought it
here to entertain every soul who gets an urge to visit toilet. The sign says:
Please do not throw foreign articles into toilet.
Remember, it's a publication company :-)
-= bathroom rhymes and graffiti =-= 196 =--------------------------------------
]NEW[
From the Law School at the University of Illinois:
The A students make the professors,
the B students make the judges,
and the C students make the money.
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