.TH wedmarriage humor \n(mo/\n(dy/\n(yr "Wedding And Marriage Humor"
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W E D D I N G A N D M A R R I A G E H U M O R
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Canonical List Of Wedding And Marriage Humor (Till Death Do Us Laugh)
Archive-Name: wedmarriage [plain text version]
wedmarriage.html [HTML Web version]
Last-Modified: 95/03/04
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CONTENTS
QUOTES
TOASTS AND ONE-LINERS
WEDDING BELLS
HONEYMOON NIGHTS
THE MARRIED LIFE
IN-LAWS SHOULD BE OUTLAWED
I SURVIVED PARENTHOOD
DIVORCE REMORSE
================================================================================
== QUOTES ======================================================================
-= quotes =-= 1 =------------------------------------------------------------
1) Never eat at a place called Mom's
2) Never play cards with a man named 'Doc'
3) Never get in bed with a girl that has more problems than you have.
- 'Seldom Seen' Smith recants paternal advice, from Edward Abbey's Monkeywrench
Gang
-= quotes =-= 2 =------------------------------------------------------------
In a great romance, each person plays a part the other really likes.
- Elizabeth Ashley
-= quotes =-= 3 =------------------------------------------------------------
Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his
success. - Jim Backus
-= quotes =-= 4 =------------------------------------------------------------
No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one
woman. - Honore de Balzac
-= quotes =-= 5 =------------------------------------------------------------
Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting. - Ray Bandy
-= quotes =-= 6 =------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.
- Baskins
-= quotes =-= 7 =------------------------------------------------------------
I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but
I don't know how to make it interesting. - Milton Berle, when called to the
microphone at the 2nd Annual Comedians Hall of Fame Inductions
-= quotes =-= 8 =------------------------------------------------------------
Love: a temporary insanity often curable by marriage. - Ambrose Bierce
The world has suffered more from the ravages of ill-advised marriages than from
virginity. - Ambrose Bierce
-= quotes =-= 9 =------------------------------------------------------------
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why
my wife treats me like toxic waste. - David Bissonette
-= quotes =-= 10 =------------------------------------------------------------
Ah Mozart! He was happily married - but his wife wasn't. - Borge
-= quotes =-= 11 =------------------------------------------------------------
In the blithe days of honeymoon,
With Kate's allurements smitten,
I lov'd her late, I lov'd her soon,
And call'd her dearest kitten.
But now my kitten's grown a cat,
And cross like other wives.
O! By my soul my honest Mat,
I fear she has nine lives.
- James Boswell "Life of Johnson"
-= quotes =-= 12 =------------------------------------------------------------
A sweetheart is a bottle of wine, a wife is a wine bottle. - Boudelaire
-= quotes =-= 13 =------------------------------------------------------------
For a male and female to live continuously together is...biologically speaking,
an extremely unnatural condition. - Robert Briffault
-= quotes =-= 14 =------------------------------------------------------------
My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and
found me in bed with her. - Lenny Bruce
Never tell. Not if you love your wife... In fact, if your old lady walks in on
you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm tellin' ya.
This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck 'Lay on Top of Me Or I'll
Die.' I didn't know what I was gonna do..." - Lenny Bruce
-= quotes =-= 15 =------------------------------------------------------------
Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.
- Al Bundy
Nothing says lovin' like marrying your cousin! - Al Bundy
Once a boy becomes a man, he's a man all his life, but a woman is only sexy
until she becomes your wife. - Al Bundy
I hate work. That's why I got married. - Peg Bundy
I just want what every married woman wants, someone besides her husband to sleep
with. - Peg Bundy
-= quotes =-= 16 =------------------------------------------------------------
The only thing that holds a marriage together is the husband bein' big enough
to keep his mouth shut, to step back and see where his wife is wrong. - Archie
Bunker
-= quotes =-= 17 =------------------------------------------------------------
In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved. - Butler
-= quotes =-= 18 =------------------------------------------------------------
If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. - Chekhov
-= quotes =-= 19 =------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is an adventure, like going to war. - G. K. Chesterton
-= quotes =-= 20 =------------------------------------------------------------
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the
more interested he is in her. - Agatha Christie
-= quotes =-= 21 =------------------------------------------------------------
The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man
to a blind woman. - S. T. Coleridge
-= quotes =-= 22 =------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose
interest. - Prof. Irwin Corey
-= quotes =-= 23 =------------------------------------------------------------
Love matches are made by people who are content, for a month of honey, to
condemn themselves to a life of vinegar. - Countess of Blessington
-= quotes =-= 24 =------------------------------------------------------------
I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again. - Noel Coward,
1956
-= quotes =-= 25 =------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find
anybody who'll take what I have to give. - Cass Daley
-= quotes =-= 26 =------------------------------------------------------------
I'd marry again if I found a man who had 15 million and would sign over half of
it to me before the marriage and guarantee he'd be dead within a year. - Bette
Davis
-= quotes =-= 27 =------------------------------------------------------------
Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses. - Lord Dewar
-= quotes =-= 28 =------------------------------------------------------------
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about
"short" and "cheap"? - Phyllis Diller
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and fight. - Phyllis Diller
-= quotes =-= 29 =------------------------------------------------------------
It destroys one's nerves to be amiable everyday to the same human being.
- Benjamin Disraeli
-= quotes =-= 30 =------------------------------------------------------------
Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks
for the wife's mother. - Ken Dodd
-= quotes =-= 31 =------------------------------------------------------------
Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it,
deserves all the consequences. - Isadora Duncan
-= quotes =-= 32 =------------------------------------------------------------
Many a man that could rule a hundherd millyon sthrangers with an ir'n hand is
careful to take off his shoes in the front hallway whin he comes home late at
night. - Finley Peter Dunne, "Mr. Dooley On Making A Will", 1919
-= quotes =-= 33 =------------------------------------------------------------
There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to
attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is
written in the genetic cards - only physics and war hold him in check. And the
wife who wants him home by five, of course. - Encyclopaedia Apocryphia
-= quotes =-= 34 =------------------------------------------------------------
Ne'er take a wife till thou hast a house (and a fire) to put her in. - Benjamin
Franklin
-= quotes =-= 35 =------------------------------------------------------------
A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as
your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of
dishonorable behavior. Unless she's _really_ attractive. - Bruce Friedman
-= quotes =-= 36 =------------------------------------------------------------
Choose a wife by your ear than your eye. - Thomas Fuller, 1732
-= quotes =-= 37 =------------------------------------------------------------
Husbands are like fires. They go out if unattended. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. - Zsa Zsa
Gabor
I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
-= quotes =-= 38 =------------------------------------------------------------
Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the
ideal never goes unpunished. - Goethe
-= quotes =-= 39 =------------------------------------------------------------
Thank heaven. A bachelor's life is no life for a single man. - Samuel Goldwyn,
immigrant-turned-famous-movie-producer, when told his son was getting married
-= quotes =-= 40 =------------------------------------------------------------
When Baby's cries grew hard to bear
I popped him in the Frigidaire.
I never would have done so if
I'd known that he'd be frozen stiff.
My wife said, "George, I'm so unhappy!
Our darling's now completely frappe!" - Graham
-= quotes =-= 41 =------------------------------------------------------------
If I were a girl, I'd despair. The supply of good women far exceeds that of the
men who deserve them. - Robert Graves
-= quotes =-= 42 =------------------------------------------------------------
A man must marry only a very pretty woman in case he should ever want some other
man to take her off his hands. - Sacha Guitry
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep
her. - Sacha Guitry
An ideal wife is one who remains faithful to you but tries to be just as
charming as if she weren't. - Sacha Guitry
-= quotes =-= 43 =------------------------------------------------------------
The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of husband and
wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism are one, and that one
is Marxism. - Heidi Hartmann [The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism]
-= quotes =-= 44 =------------------------------------------------------------
If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go
ahead, get married. - Katherine Hepburn
Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should
live next door and just visit now and then. - Katherine Hepburn
-= quotes =-= 45 =------------------------------------------------------------
Bigamy is one way of avoiding the painful publicity of divorce and the expense
of alimony. - Oliver Herford
-= quotes =-= 46 =------------------------------------------------------------
Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise. - John Heywood
-= quotes =-= 47 =------------------------------------------------------------
Love is only the game that is not called on account of darkness.
- M. Hirschfield
-= quotes =-= 48 =------------------------------------------------------------
Love is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important. - Lisa Hoffman
-= quotes =-= 49 =------------------------------------------------------------
It is amazing at how small a price may the wedding ring be placed upon a
worthless hand; but, by the beauty of our law, what heaps of gold are
indispensable to take it off! - Douglas Jerold, 1858
-= quotes =-= 50 =------------------------------------------------------------
Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in
a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go
with everything in the house. - Jean Kerr
-= quotes =-= 51 =------------------------------------------------------------
I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. - Sam Kinison
-= quotes =-= 52 =------------------------------------------------------------
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. - Marvin Kitman
-= quotes =-= 53 =------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is a lottery, but you can't tear up your ticket if you lose. - F. M.
Knowles
-= quotes =-= 54 =------------------------------------------------------------
Harpo, she's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband. Marry her before she
finds one. - Oscar Levant to Harpo Marx upon meeting Harpo's fiancee
-= quotes =-= 55 =------------------------------------------------------------
I have come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying, and for this
reason, I can never be satisfied with anyone who would be blockhead enough to
have me. - Abraham Lincoln in a letter to Mrs. O.H. Browning, April 1, 1838
-= quotes =-= 56 =------------------------------------------------------------
Jimmy Carter as President is like Truman Capote marrying Dolly Parton. The job
is just too big for him. - Rich Little
-= quotes =-= 57 =------------------------------------------------------------
Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on Earth. - John Lyly
-= quotes =-= 58 =------------------------------------------------------------
For the memory of love is sweet, though the love itself were in vain. And what
I have lost of pleasure, assuage what I find of pain. - Lyster
-= quotes =-= 59 =------------------------------------------------------------
The best way to get husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they are
too old to do it. - Shirley MacLaine
-= quotes =-= 60 =------------------------------------------------------------
In a novel, the hero can lay ten girls and marry a virgin for the finish. In a
movie, that is not allowed. The villain can lay anybody he wants, have as much
fun and as he wants cheating, stealing, getting rich, and whipping servants. But
you have to shoot him in the end. - Herman Mankiewicz
-= quotes =-= 61 =------------------------------------------------------------
I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they
send over a lady in a housecoat and hair curlers to burn my toast for me.
- Dick Martin
-= quotes =-= 62 =------------------------------------------------------------
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and
his checkbook open. - Groucho Marx
We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a
woman. And behind her stands his wife. - Groucho Marx
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does. - Groucho Marx
-= quotes =-= 63 =------------------------------------------------------------
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
- Jackie Mason
-= quotes =-= 64 =------------------------------------------------------------
Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands...but English
women only hope to find in their butlers. - W. Somerset Maugham
-= quotes =-= 65 =------------------------------------------------------------
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking.
It's called marriage. - James Holt McGavran
-= quotes =-= 66 =------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage was all a woman's idea and for man's acceptance of the pretty yoke, it
becomes us to be grateful. - Phyllis McGinley
-= quotes =-= 67 =------------------------------------------------------------
Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another
thing, they die earlier. - H. L. Mencken
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be
married too. - H. L. Mencken
We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the
extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children
smart. - H.L. Mencken
Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another. - H. L. Mencken
Love is an emotion that is based on an opinion of women that is impossible for
those who have had any experience with them. - H. L. Mencken
Man is a natural polygamist. He always has one woman leading him by the nose
and another hanging on to his coattails. - H. L. Mencken
Whenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage, they are giving
evidence at an inquest. - H. L. Mencken
-= quotes =-= 68 =------------------------------------------------------------
Love cures people, both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it. - Dr.
Karl Menninger
-= quotes =-= 69 =------------------------------------------------------------
A lover tries to stand in well with the pet dog of the house. - Moliere
-= quotes =-= 70 =------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and
those inside desperate to get out. - Montaigne
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband. - Montaigne
-= quotes =-= 71 =------------------------------------------------------------
If a relationship is to evolve, it must go through a series of endings. - Lisa
Moriyama, July 3, 1989
-= quotes =-= 72 =------------------------------------------------------------
A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick and helps
you with your girdle when your hips stick. - Ogden Nash
To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you're
wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up. - Ogden Nash
-= quotes =-= 73 =------------------------------------------------------------
A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, it
must be assisted by a little physical antipathy. - Nietzsche
Love matches, so called, have illusion for their father and need for their
mother. - Neitzsche
-= quotes =-= 74 =------------------------------------------------------------
Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife. - PJ O'Rourke
-= quotes =-= 75 =------------------------------------------------------------
No woman marries for money; they are all clever enough, before marrying a
millionaire, to fall in love with him first. - Cesare Pavese
-= quotes =-= 76 =------------------------------------------------------------
A White House well filled, a little peanut field well tilled, and a wife who
will go to the Bronx are great riches. - Poor Jimmy's Almanac
-= quotes =-= 77 =------------------------------------------------------------
It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out next
morning it was someone else. - Rogers
-= quotes =-= 78 =------------------------------------------------------------
A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
- Helen Rowland
When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the
inattention of one. - Helen Rowland
When you see what some girls marry, you realize how they must hate to work for
a living. - Helen Rowland
In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice which is still
very much practiced. - Helen Rowland
-= quotes =-= 79 =------------------------------------------------------------
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've
experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner
If you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you, I want to marry you, I
want to have children..."; they leave skid marks. - Rita Rudner
-= quotes =-= 80 =------------------------------------------------------------
Happy Vasectomy, Eric. Your loving wife and children: Chris, Aida, George,
Carol, Yolanda, Joan, Shirley, Susan, Anita, Aileen, Jackie, Shelia, Bruce,
Dean, Frank and Maxine. - Rolling Stone Classified Ad
-= quotes =-= 81 =------------------------------------------------------------
Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. - Scottish Proverb
-= quotes =-= 82 =------------------------------------------------------------
Love, you can't start it like a car, you can't stop it with a gun. - George
Bernard Shaw
-= quotes =-= 83 =------------------------------------------------------------
One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: "Give little, give
seldom, and above all, give grudgingly." Otherwise, what could have been a
proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust. - Ruth Smythers, Marriage
advice for women, 1894
-= quotes =-= 84 =------------------------------------------------------------
I'd like to get married because I like the idea of a man being required by law
to sleep with me every night. - Carrie Snow
-= quotes =-= 85 =------------------------------------------------------------
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad
one, you'll become a philosopher...and that is a good thing for any man.
- Socrates
-= quotes =-= 86 =------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and
through the nose of the gentleman. - Herbert Spencer
-= quotes =-= 87 =------------------------------------------------------------
Someone once asked me why women don't gamble as much as men do and I gave the
commonsensical reply that we don't have as much money. That was a true but
incomplete answer. In fact, women's total instinct for gambling is satisfied
by marriage. - Gloria Steinem
-= quotes =-= 88 =------------------------------------------------------------
If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in the
whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments. A life without
love in it is like a heap of ashes upon a deserted hearth; with the fire dead,
the laughter stilled, and the light extinguished. - Frank P. Tebbetts
-= quotes =-= 89 =------------------------------------------------------------
At American weddings, the quality of food is inversely proportional to the
social position of the bride and the groom. - Calvin Trillin
-= quotes =-= 90 =------------------------------------------------------------
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A
successful woman is one who can find such a man. - Lana Turner
-= quotes =-= 91 =------------------------------------------------------------
I do not see the EEC as a great love affair. It is more like nine desperate
middle-aged couples with failing marriages meeting at a Brussels hotel for a
group grope. - Tynan
-= quotes =-= 92 =------------------------------------------------------------
The first time you buy a house, you see how pretty the paint is and buy it. The
second time, you look to see if the basement has termites. It's the same with
husbands. - Lupe Valez
-= quotes =-= 93 =------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. - Voltaire
-= quotes =-= 94 =------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution. - Mae
West
-= quotes =-= 95 =------------------------------------------------------------
Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be
happier than others. - Oscar Wilde
Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other's
character before marriage, which is never advisable. - Oscar Wilde
-= quotes =-= 96 =------------------------------------------------------------
Why are women so much more interesting to men than men are to women? - Virginia
Woolf
================================================================================
== TOASTS AND ONE-LINERS =======================================================
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 1 =---------------------------------------------
Marriage has driven more than one man to sex.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 2 =---------------------------------------------
Marriage is a ceremony that turns your dreamboat into a barge.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 3 =---------------------------------------------
Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 4 =---------------------------------------------
Marriage is a rest period between romances.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 5 =---------------------------------------------
Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 6 =---------------------------------------------
Marriage is a trip between Niagra Falls and Reno.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 7 =---------------------------------------------
Marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 8 =---------------------------------------------
Marriage is better when both the husband and wife decide that what they have is
better than what they are missing.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 9 =---------------------------------------------
Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 10 =---------------------------------------------
Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it, it's not so hot.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 11 =---------------------------------------------
Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those
on the inside are trying to get out.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 12 =---------------------------------------------
Marriage is like a violin. After the music is over, you still have the strings.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 13 =---------------------------------------------
Marriage is mind over matter; if the husband doesn't mind, it doesn't matter.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 14 =---------------------------------------------
Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 15 =---------------------------------------------
Marriage is the high sea for which no compass has yet been invented.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 16 =---------------------------------------------
Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 17 =---------------------------------------------
Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 18 =---------------------------------------------
Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 19 =---------------------------------------------
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of person your spouse would
have really preferred.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 20 =---------------------------------------------
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is
the triumph of hope over experience.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 21 =---------------------------------------------
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try
to decide which one.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 22 =---------------------------------------------
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 23 =---------------------------------------------
Marriage still confers one very special privilege, only a married person can get
divorced.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 24 =---------------------------------------------
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, so are thunder and lightning.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 25 =---------------------------------------------
A best man's speech should be like a mini-skirt; short enough to be interesting,
but long enough to cover the bare essentials.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 26 =---------------------------------------------
A chiseler is a man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 27 =---------------------------------------------
A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 28 =---------------------------------------------
A good husband is one who thinks almost as much of his wife as he does of
himself.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 29 =---------------------------------------------
A good woman is like a good bar...liquor in the front and poker in the rear.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 30 =---------------------------------------------
A honeymoon should be like a table...four bare legs and no drawers.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 31 =---------------------------------------------
A husband expects his wife to be perfect...and to understand why he's not.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 32 =---------------------------------------------
A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 33 =---------------------------------------------
A husband should never question his wife's judgement. Look whom she married!
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 34 =---------------------------------------------
A lifetime in snooker my dearest, it's happened to you, so don't forget to chalk
his cue and the first game you play make sure it's at the end of the day.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 35 =---------------------------------------------
A man is as good as he has to be; a woman as bad as she dares.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 36 =---------------------------------------------
A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 37 =---------------------------------------------
A wedding is a funeral where a man smells his own flowers.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 38 =---------------------------------------------
A wedding ring is like a tourniquet; it cuts off your circulation.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 39 =---------------------------------------------
Advice to submariners: If torpedo overheats, load tube, go deep and eject.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 40 =---------------------------------------------
Advice to the new bride: You can't be treated like a doormat if you don't line
down.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 41 =---------------------------------------------
Advice to the new bride: Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 42 =---------------------------------------------
Two bits of advice to the new bride: One, tell your new husband that you have
to have one night a week out with the girls, and, two, don't waste that night
with the girls.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 43 =---------------------------------------------
After a moment of quite repose
It's tum to tum and toes to toes
After a moment of sheer delight
It's back to back for the rest of the night.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 44 =---------------------------------------------
All marriages are happy; it's the living together afterward that causes all the
problems.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 45 =---------------------------------------------
All men are born free and equal, but then lots of them grow up and get married.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 46 =---------------------------------------------
Always talk to your wife while you're making love...if there's a phone handy.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 47 =---------------------------------------------
And the story of the man who called his son Vendetta, because he always had it
in for him...
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 48 =---------------------------------------------
And I shall love thee still my dear, until my wife is wise.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 49 =---------------------------------------------
Anybody who claims that marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition doesn't know the
first thing about women or fractions.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 50 =---------------------------------------------
As she hears the wedding march, three things are foremost in a bride's mind:
aisle, altar, hymn.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 51 =---------------------------------------------
As you slide down the bannister of life, may all the marital splinters be
pointed in the right direction.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 52 =---------------------------------------------
Be sure to tie your nightie to your toes, 'cos you know where the wild goose
goes.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 53 =---------------------------------------------
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y'
becomes silent.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 54 =---------------------------------------------
Bride, at wedding: Ever since I was a little girl, I've always wanted a prick
like my mother's.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 55 =---------------------------------------------
Confucius say man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.
Confucius say wife for life is better than wife for strife.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 56 =---------------------------------------------
Congratulations, rots of ruck, sideways is great.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 57 =---------------------------------------------
Congratulations and best wishes on this very special day.
Love
Bill and Mary Farkin
and the whole farkin family.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 58 =---------------------------------------------
Congratulations on finding a socket outlet for your plug!
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 59 =---------------------------------------------
Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and may I express an
appreciation of your determination to end the desperation and frustration which
has caused you so much consternation in giving you the inspiration to make a
combination to bring an accumulation to the population.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 60 =---------------------------------------------
Dear {bride},
Isn't it funny how history repeats itself?
{Age of bride} years ago your mum and dad were putting you to bed with a dummy -
and now it's happening all over again!
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 61 =---------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?
He baptized one and kept the other as a control.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 62 =---------------------------------------------
Don't be too liberal at the country party or you'll wind up in Labor.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 63 =---------------------------------------------
Don't buy your bed from Grace Brothers (Myers); they stand behind everything
they sell.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 64 =---------------------------------------------
Don't go on your honeymoon for longer than 5 days, or you will get a Weak End
(Weekend).
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 65 =---------------------------------------------
Don't keep him in the dog house too often or he might give his bone to the woman
next door.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 66 =---------------------------------------------
Don't Spring on the Inner-Spring this Spring or there will be an Off-Spring next
Spring.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 67 =---------------------------------------------
Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone
that you cannot live without.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 68 =---------------------------------------------
Easy on the throttle, steady on the gears, roll her over gently and she'll last
for many years.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 69 =---------------------------------------------
Every man has it in his power to make one woman happy...by remaining a bachelor.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 70 =---------------------------------------------
Every mother generally hopes that her daughter will snag a better husband than
she managed to do...but she's certain that her boy will never get as great a
wife as his father did.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 71 =---------------------------------------------
Forecast for Wedding...
Expected development of warm front, with extreme turbulence and moisture in
lower regions. Good possibility of six inches overnight. Sun (son) is expected
later on.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 72 =---------------------------------------------
Friend of groom giving a toast: Here's a toast to your new bride who has
everything a girl could want in her life, except for good taste in men!
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 73 =---------------------------------------------
Friends may come and friends may go
and friends may peter out ya know.
But we'll be friends through thick or thin,
peter out and peter in!
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 74 =---------------------------------------------
From the [local name] football club -
We found he was useless in any position, hope you have more luck.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 75 =---------------------------------------------
Getting married is like buying a dishwasher: You'll never need to do it by hand
again.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 76 =---------------------------------------------
Give her two red roses, each with a note. The first note says "For the woman I
love" and the second, "For my best friend."
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 77 =---------------------------------------------
Go west young man, get up the darling as far as you can.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 78 =---------------------------------------------
Here's a toast to the newlyweds! I hope the only ups and downs you two have are
between the sheets.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 79 =---------------------------------------------
Here's to you and here's to me,
and I hope we never disagree.
But, if that should ever be,
to HELL with you, here's to ME!
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 80 =---------------------------------------------
Hope all your Tries are not converted.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 81 =---------------------------------------------
Hope your honeymoon is like a train ride through the Khyber Pass, one long hard
route.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 82 =---------------------------------------------
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 83 =---------------------------------------------
If love is a dream, then marriage is an alarm clock.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 84 =---------------------------------------------
If love is blind, then marriage is a real eye-opener!
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 85 =---------------------------------------------
If you don't want the stork to come, shoot in the air.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 86 =---------------------------------------------
If you marry for money, you'll earn it.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 87 =---------------------------------------------
If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 88 =---------------------------------------------
In marriage, the bridge gets a shower; but for the groom, it's curtains!
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 89 =---------------------------------------------
In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 90 =---------------------------------------------
It is better for a woman to marry a man who loves her than a man she loves.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 91 =---------------------------------------------
It is impossible for a man to make a fool of himself and not know it, especially
if he's married.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 92 =---------------------------------------------
It's always fun to ask at the reception, "What time's the grand opening?"
Or after the honeymoon, "Glad to see you back on your feet."
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 93 =---------------------------------------------
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems
longer.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 94 =---------------------------------------------
It's sad that a married couple can be torn apart by something as simple as a
pack of wild dogs.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 95 =---------------------------------------------
I am in total control, but don't tell my wife.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 96 =---------------------------------------------
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 97 =---------------------------------------------
I only wanted to have a child, not marry one.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 98 =---------------------------------------------
I think of my wife and I think of Lot, and I think of the lucky break he got.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 99 =---------------------------------------------
I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The
next day, she locked me in the cellar.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 100 =---------------------------------------------
I tried a mail order bride, once, but she was damaged in the mail, and I had to
return the unused part for my full refund.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 101 =---------------------------------------------
I want a husband who is decent, God-fearing, well-educated, smart, sincere,
respectful, treats me as an equal, has a great body, and has the same interests
in life as me. Now I don't think that's too much to ask of a billionaire, do
you?
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 102 =---------------------------------------------
I was engaged myself once. To a contortionist. But she broke it off.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 103 =---------------------------------------------
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you
say, talk in your sleep.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 104 =---------------------------------------------
John, you know I can't marry you. You are an accountant. I prefer a man who
builds things, who makes things, like an engineer who...makes half-a-million
dollars a year...
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 105 =---------------------------------------------
Keep thy eyes wide open before marriage, and half shut afterward.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 106 =---------------------------------------------
Life's a bitch, and then you marry one.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 107 =---------------------------------------------
Life sucks...and then you marry someone who doesn't!
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 108 =---------------------------------------------
Look the bride in the eye and ask, "If I'm the best man, how come you're
marrying HIM???"
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 109 =---------------------------------------------
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 110 =---------------------------------------------
Love is a thousand miles long, but comes in six inch installments.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 111 =---------------------------------------------
Love is a word composed of two vowels, two consonants, and two fools.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 112 =---------------------------------------------
Love is the dawn of marriage, and marriage is the sunset of love.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 113 =---------------------------------------------
Love may conquer everything, but it needs Time as its Field General.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 114 =---------------------------------------------
Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 115 =---------------------------------------------
Make love, not war, or do both: get married.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 116 =---------------------------------------------
Man and wife make one fool.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 117 =---------------------------------------------
Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. But she can never
catch him at it.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 118 =---------------------------------------------
Marital Logic: 1) Marriage is an institution. 2) Marriage is love. 3) Love is
blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 119 =---------------------------------------------
Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 120 =---------------------------------------------
May the bluebird of happiness crap all over your wedding cake.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 121 =---------------------------------------------
May you be blessed with a wife so healthy and strong, she can pull the plow when
your horse drops dead.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 122 =---------------------------------------------
May you be too good for the world and not good enough for your wife.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 123 =---------------------------------------------
May you grow so rich your widow's second husband never has to worry about a
living, God forbid.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 124 =---------------------------------------------
May you learn to perform miracles: earn a living and marry off your daughters.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 125 =---------------------------------------------
May you live as long as long as you want to, and may you want to as long as you
live!
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 126 =---------------------------------------------
May you live happily ever after with a poor, ugly, shrewish wife.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 127 =---------------------------------------------
May you never leave your marriage alive.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 128 =---------------------------------------------
May your clock run slow, your heart fast, your bile over, your wife away, your
nose always.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 129 =---------------------------------------------
May your daughters marry men of substance: gypsies with two bears.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 130 =---------------------------------------------
May your wife be a witch who takes after her mother, and may you all live
together in a one-room house.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 131 =---------------------------------------------
Men should never marry a woman for her beauty alone. That is rather like buying
a house just because you like the way it's painted.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 132 =---------------------------------------------
My darling wife was always glum.
I drowned her in a cask of rum,
and so made sure that she would stay,
in better spirits night and day.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 133 =---------------------------------------------
My opinions are my wife's, and she says I'm damn lucky to have them.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 134 =---------------------------------------------
My other wife is beautiful.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 135 =---------------------------------------------
My wife and I have a perfect understanding; I don't try to run her life and I
don't try to run mine.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 136 =---------------------------------------------
My wife doesn't care what I do away from home, as long as I don't enjoy it.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 137 =---------------------------------------------
My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 138 =---------------------------------------------
My wife ran off with my best friend last week. Gawd, I miss him!
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 139 =---------------------------------------------
My wife says if I go fishing one more time she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm
going to miss her.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 140 =---------------------------------------------
My wife submits and I obey; she always lets me have her way.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 141 =---------------------------------------------
Not all men are fools. Some are bachelors.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 142 =---------------------------------------------
Nowadays, the only place a single woman can find the best man is at a wedding.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 143 =---------------------------------------------
One of the safest ways to assure a happy marriage is to be sure that the wife
is a treasure and the husband a treasury.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 144 =---------------------------------------------
Please remember that Brandy makes you Randy, Whiskey makes you Frisky, but it's
a good stiff Johnny Walker that makes you Pregnant.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 145 =---------------------------------------------
Remember, is it as easy to marry a rich woman as a poor woman.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 146 =---------------------------------------------
Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but
feel they're entitled to a little fun first.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 147 =---------------------------------------------
Say to the groom, "Your bride will now expect a mink." Then to the bride, "You
know how women get minks? ...the same way minks get minks!"
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 148 =---------------------------------------------
She offered her honor, he honored her offer, and all night he was on her and
off her.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 149 =---------------------------------------------
Sign in a marriage counselor's window: "Out To Lunch, Think It Over."
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 150 =---------------------------------------------
Single people die earlier. Marriage is healthier. If you're looking for a long
life and a slow death, get married.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 151 =---------------------------------------------
Some women marry men thinking they'd be real comforters, only to discover they
were merely wet blankets.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 152 =---------------------------------------------
Sorry I can't make your wedding, I'm half full under the table.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 153 =---------------------------------------------
Sorry I cannot be at wedding...please send me a photo of the bride and groom
mounted.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 154 =---------------------------------------------
Suicide is belated acquiescence in the opinion of one's wife's relatives.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 155 =---------------------------------------------
Take an interest in your husband's activities: hire a detective.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 156 =---------------------------------------------
Take heed from those who know
Tie you nightie to your toes
Close your eyes, hold your nose
Then see how it goes...
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 157 =---------------------------------------------
The average person's life consists of 20 years of their mother asking them
where they're going, 40 years of having their spouse ask the same question, and
in the end, all the mourners wonder, too.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 158 =---------------------------------------------
The bonds of matrimony are a good investment only when the interest is high and
sustained.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 159 =---------------------------------------------
The cooing stops with the honeymoon; the billing goes on forever.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 160 =---------------------------------------------
The days just before marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 161 =---------------------------------------------
The difference between marriage and death? Dead people are free.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 162 =---------------------------------------------
The exercise that can affect your life the most is walking down the aisle.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 163 =---------------------------------------------
The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he
invented marriage.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 164 =---------------------------------------------
The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman
just like mother!" His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 165 =---------------------------------------------
The high divorce rates in America indicate that the U.S. is still the Land of
the Free, but your marriage demonstrates that we also remain the Home of the
Brave!
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 166 =---------------------------------------------
The man says: With this ring I thee wed, with my body I thee worship, and with
all my worldly good I thee endow. (Book of Common Prayer)
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 167 =---------------------------------------------
The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your
husband.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 168 =---------------------------------------------
If you are the best man at a wedding there is always my favorite toast:
The screwing you'll get is going to be worth the screwing you'll get.
I didn't have the guts to use it at the wedding but it got a lot of laughs at
the bachelor party.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 169 =---------------------------------------------
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then
marry him.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 170 =---------------------------------------------
The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature. The
new theory is that men don't mature. So you might as well marry a younger one.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 171 =---------------------------------------------
The three stages of sex in marriage: tri-weekly; try-weekly; try-weakly.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 172 =---------------------------------------------
The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove
it.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 173 =---------------------------------------------
The wedding night should be like a good chicken meal, a little bit of breast, a
little bit of leg...and a lot of stuffing!!!
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 174 =---------------------------------------------
The woman cries before wedding; the man afterward.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 175 =---------------------------------------------
Their marriage is a wonderful partnership. He's the silent one.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 176 =---------------------------------------------
There is something magical about the fact that success almost always comes
faster to the guy your wife almost married.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 177 =---------------------------------------------
They were married on the cricket field, that night they were quite wicket, the
bride said with a happy smile, I'm sure this can't be cricket.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 178 =---------------------------------------------
Think how much fun you could have with the doctor's wife and a bucket of apples.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 179 =---------------------------------------------
This delivery driver carries no money. His wife has it all.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 180 =---------------------------------------------
To heck with marrying a girl who makes biscuits like her mother. I want to
marry one who makes dough like her father.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 181 =---------------------------------------------
To the bride: To be happy in your marriage, you should approach each day as if
it were the first day of your honeymoon and the last day of your period.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 182 =---------------------------------------------
Treat him like a flower...grab him by the stalk.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 183 =---------------------------------------------
Treat the bride like a new car, go easy for the first 500.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 184 =---------------------------------------------
Two passing ships making matrimonial knots while fouled in each others stern
line, recommended inter between course 69 Stop. Happy voyage, bottoms up.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 185 =---------------------------------------------
We are curious to know why you both wanted to borrow the black leather boots and
bullwhip?
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 186 =---------------------------------------------
Weeping bride, laughing wife; laughing bride, weeping wife.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 187 =---------------------------------------------
When the best man is reading the telegrams:
From your friends on the H.M.A.S. Harmen,
"At ten o clock, please report position and depth."
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 188 =---------------------------------------------
When god made man he made em out of string,
He had a little left over so he left a little thing,
When god made women he made em out of lace,
He didn't have enough so he left a little space,
Here's to space!
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 189 =---------------------------------------------
Why bother with marriage? Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 190 =---------------------------------------------
You will marry into an Indian tribe and become one big Hopi family.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 191 =---------------------------------------------
Your TV viewing on your wedding night will be...
Firstly, The Marriage Game,
Followed by, Great Temptation,
The Untouchables,
Mission Impossible,
The Time is Right,
Rawhide and Bonanza.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 192 =---------------------------------------------
The rising sun may kiss the grass,
The clock may kiss the hours that pass
The flowing wine may kiss the glass,
And you my friends... Drink Hearty!
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 193 =---------------------------------------------
When a woman gets to the "better or worse" part of the wedding ceremony, she's
already experienced the better part.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 194 =---------------------------------------------
Propose this toast:
John, you are a lucky groom; you've got Mary. She's beautiful, smart, funny,
warm, and loving.
Mary, you've got....John.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 195 =---------------------------------------------
Here is a toast my brother gave at his best friend's wedding:
To Space
When God made Man,
He made him out of string.
He had a little left over,
So, he made a little thing.
When God made Woman,
He made her out of lace.
He didn't have enough,
So, he left a little space.
To Space.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 196 =---------------------------------------------
Sayings To Write With Shaving Cream On The Newlywed Car
To Bed or Bust
She got him today - He'll get her tonight
Just living together
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 197 =---------------------------------------------
Daffynitions:
Bachelor: 1) A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman
miserable. 2) A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free. 3) A man who every
morning comes to work from a different direction. 4) A man who never makes
the same mistake once. 5) A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of
her alimony. 6) A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness
of pursuit. 7) A selfish guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce.
8) The only man who has never told his wife a lie.
Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
Bridegroom: A gent who exchanges living quarters for a better half.
Cad: A man who doesn't tell his wife that he's sterile until she's pregnant.
Childish game: One at which your spouse beats you.
Compromise: An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree
to let her have her own way.
Diplomat: A man who can convince his wife she would look stout in a fur coat.
Domestic harmony: A condition brought about when the husband plays second
fiddle and yet pays the piper.
Engagement: A call to arms; hence as day follows night, divorce is disarmament.
Gentleman: 1) A husband who steadies the stepladder so that his wife will not
fall while she paints the ceiling. 2) A man who, when his wife drops her
knitting, kicks it over to her so that she can easily pick it up.
Grand Slam Event: The honeymoon.
Housework: What the wife does that nobody notices until she doesn't do it.
Husband: 1) A man who buys his football tickets four months in advance and
waits until December 24 to do his Christmas shopping. 2) A man who gives up
privileges he never realized he had. 3) A man who stands by his wife in
troubles she'd never have had if she didn't marry him. 4) A person who thinks
he is the boss of the house, but in reality, houses the boss. 5) A person who
is the boss of his house and has his wife's permission to say so.
Joint Checking Account: A handly little device which permits your wife to beat
you to the draw.
Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
Marital Freedom: The liberty that allows a husband to do exactly that which his
wife pleases.
Matrimony: A knot tied by a preacher, but untied by a lawyer.
Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in
the market.
Mistress: Something between a mister and a mattress.
Mother-in-law: A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving
him a piece of hers.
Mrs.: A job title involving heavy duties, light earnings, and no recognition.
Nuns: Women who marry god. If they divorce Him, do they get half the universe?
Old Maid: A critical reflection on every bachelor.
Sex drive: A physical craving that begins in adolescence and ends at marriage.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
Spinster: A bachelor's wife.
Spouse: Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have
had if you'd stayed single in the first place.
Visionary: Marrying a man with intentions of changing and reforming him.
Wedding Ring: The world's smallest handcuffs.
Wedlock: The deep, deep peace of the double bed after the hurly-burly of the
chaise-lounge.
Wife: 1) A mate who is forever complaining about not having anything to wear at
the very same time that she complains about not having enough room in the
closet. 2) The perfect acquisition for any gentleman feeling himself to have
excessive control over his personal affairs.
Widow: A woman who can find no fault with her husband.
Widowhood: The only compensation some women get out of a marriage.
-= toasts and one-liners =-= 198 =---------------------------------------------
Murphy's Laws On Love and Sex
"Don't worry. I've had a vasectomy/hysterectomy."
"I won't come in your mouth, I promise."
"I'm not really married."
"It's only a cold sore."
"Looks aren't important to me. I like you for your personality."
"Size isn't important."
"This won't hurt, I promise."
"We don't have to go all the way, we'll just lie here and hold each other."
"We'll always be together."
A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
A man in the house is worth two in the street.
A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
All the good ones are taken.
Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant
Do it only with the best.
Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.
Fornication: Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.
If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space
program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
If the person isn't taken, there's a reason (corollary to the above law)
If you can't stand his mother and he can't stand yours, then you're bound to get
married.
If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in the
whole wide world, don't trust him; it means he experiments.
It is always the wrong time of month.
It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the
trouble in the garden.
Love comes in spurts.
Love is a hole in the heart.
Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Love thy neighbor, but don't get caught.
Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
Never argue with a women when she's tired, or rested.
Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
Never say no.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
Nice guys finish last.
No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll
never be quite the same again.
No sex with anyone in the same office.
Nobody is ugly after 2 A.M.
Nothing improves with age.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone
else.
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
Sex has no calories.
Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to
convey its full meaning.
Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how
long it is going to last.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are
unimportant.
Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
Sow your wild oats on Saturday night; then on Sunday, pray for crop failure.
The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much
you love them.
The best things in the world are free, and worth every penny of it.
The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail
long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person.
The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her
with no hard feelings.
The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.
The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she
can't stand years later.
The younger the better.
There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But
there is nothing exactly like it.
Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless in the mood.
Virginity can be cured.
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him,
and vice versa...
When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
You will always fall in love and marry someone with the opposite body
temperature.
and Murphy's number one law on love and sex: Don't fuck with Mrs. Murphy!!!!
================================================================================
== WEDDING BELLS ===============================================================
-= wedding bells =-= 1 =-----------------------------------------------------
Wedding Pranks
Before a friend's wedding reception, we passed out keys (blanks) to several
girls and one guy. Before some toasts were made, the best man said to the
guests, "Now that Jim is married and is no longer available, it is probably a
good idea to have any of you girls out there with a key to his apartment to
please turn it in now." Then the pre-selected girls (about a 20-30 of them)
slowly walked up and handed in their keys as they made bedroom-eyes at him and
flirted a bit; some of the girls would turn in not just one key, but 6 or 8 of
them. Then the guy walked up, turned in the key, and kissed the groom on the
cheek while grabbing his butt. It's probably not original, but it worked pretty
well.
Another twist to this would be to distribute 15 blank keys to male friends of
the bride-to-be and two more blank keys to a guy and a very old lady. Then,
during the reception, while people are making toasts, announce to everyone that
since the bride is no longer available, any guy with a key to her apartment
should turn it in at the tray that has been set up, whereby the 15 pre-selected
men would walk up and turn in their keys and make the same announcement for the
groom, whereby both the old lady and the other guy would both walk up with their
key.
Someone once pulled a pretty funny, but pretty simple, joke on a friend of
ours. They simply took an large black ink marker and wrote "Help" on the bottom
of the groom's left shoe and "Me" on the bottom of the right shoe. So when he
knelt down for his vows, you get the idea... Of course, this will only work if
he must kneel with back to congregation (i.e. Catholic wedding). Make sure you
get it so that it is readable with the shoes side by side, left to right, toes
toward the floor. Do this far enough in advance so that the paint is dry before
the groom wears the shoes, to avoid damaging carpets.
Besides "Help Me", other possible message to write on the soles are (with
varying degrees of cruelness): Left Shoe (I'm With) Right Shoe (Stupid
[pointing arrowhead]); Left Shoe (Quick, Call 911!) Right Shoe (Never Mind, I'm
Doomed!)
At the rehearsal dinner for my boss' daughter and son-in-law-to-be, a loud
8-months pregnant teenage girl suddenly appeared at the back of the room
screaming 10 minutes worth of curses that would befall the groom if he didn't
marry the pregnant girl like he promised. It was set up by the boss' wife and I
am told that the groom very nearly burst into tears protesting his innocence.
Know any good actresses?
This is what happened to my cousin at his wedding. When they got home to
their apartment at about 4 A.M., they found a couple of hundred cups filled with
water on the floor. The line of cups reached from the entrance up the stairs to
the bedroom. It took them a some hours to remove them, since the cups have been
GLUED to them floor. After they had successfully reached the bedroom, they had
the next surprise: NO FURNITURE in there...
I really liked that prank, but I sure hope this doesn't happen to me...
Here's another prank to pull on the bride that I tried to get my brother to
do, but he chickened out at the last minute. You get a sexy-looking, small,
lacy pair of panties (what we men call women's underwear), presumably from a
close friend. The groom hides these in his jacket pocket during the reception.
When it comes time for the ceremonial removing-of-the-garter, the groom slips
the panties into his hand (hiding them), reaches up the bride's dress, as though
to remove the garter, and instead of the garter, produces the panties, holding
them way up in the air for all to see!
Here's one that my old supervisor says was played on her brother-in-law. As
is always the case, I make no guarantees that this incident is true, but it's an
awfully good story.
His friends decided to throw his bachelor party the day before the wedding
(big mistake), and as often happens on these occasions, by the end of the
evening, everyone was buzzin' like a hive o' bees, and none moreso than the
guest of honor, who promptly passed out in a corner of the room.
When he woke up, he found himself sitting in an airline seat with no wallet
or money or anything on him except a ONE WAY TICKET TO SAN FRANCISCO. He
freaked out until he got to 'Frisco (from New Jersey), where he found a ticket
at the courtesy counter back to New Jersey. Seems that one of his prospective
in-laws worked for an airline and had some comp airfare to use....
The groom got back to New Jersey barely 4 hours before the ceremony, and was
barely able to stay awake long enough to say "I do".
The moral of the story? Never EVER let ANYONE convince you to have your
bachelor party the night before the wedding...
During the wedding ceremony, when the minister/preacher/priest comes to the
part about, "If anyone has any reason why these two people should not marry,
speak up now or forever hold your peace..." have this 4-to-6 year old boy
running up the aisle yelling, "Daddy, daddy." I understand from a friend who
played this joke on a relative that it took almost an hour to get the wedding
started again.
Wish I were there.
When the preacher says, "If anyone knows of any good reason these two people
should not marry...", have a guy burst into the room from the rear and say
things along the lines of "The bride is known to me; we have had frequent sexual
relations; the groom a womaniser; he impregnated my sister" etc. Have this go
on for a minute or two until the guy is halfway up the aisle, at which point he
stops, stares at the couple and says, "Whoops! Wrong wedding!" and turns and
leaves very rapidly.
Another on that I have seen pulled is to have someone speak out at the time
the minister asks, "If anyone has good reason why these two should not be
married, speak now or forever hold your peace." They had a pregnant lady stand
up and say, "Oh, never mind! I'll just call my lawyer!" It rattled the groom's
mother so much that she fainted.
Several years ago, one of my best friends was married in a beautiful garden
wedding. His wife was in a beautiful white gown (amazing!) and he, being
military, was in his mess dress. The reception was held in the same place as
the wedding. The bride and groom remained in their wedding attire throughout
the reception. They planned to change for their honeymoon upon returning to
their home. The wedding party (ushers and bride's maids) prepared their car in
all the normal ways (e.g., tin cans dragging from the back bumper, 'Just
Married' soaped on the sides and hood, tissue flowers streaming here, there and
everywhere) and in one rather inventive way which I have never seen before or
since... they carefully poured baby powder into the air conditioning vents.
The wedding was a June wedding. It was hot. Predictably, the groom turned on
the air conditioner as they pulled out of the parking lot to go home and change
clothes. A clowd of white powder came through the vents and enveloped the
bridal pair for quite a while. The groom later told me that they were hundreds
of miles into their honeymoon drive before the powder stopped emitting
altogether. Needless to say their drycleaning bill was significant.
This is a perverse, cruel, diabolical, but nonetheless humorous practical
joke. Warning: Young children should not attempt to try this at home unless
they are under the supervision of a responsible adult! :)
Run into the church just as the wedding starts and yell, "Honey, how could
you do this to me. How could you marry HER!"
Of course, if a female performs the joke, change the last word to 'him'. This
mess should take quite a while to straighten out, and wont be soon forgotten.
Have fun.
If you catch the groom at a nervous time with only a few days before the
wedding, you can ask him, "Did your blood tests come back okay?"
The groom may then say, "Blood tests?"
You say, "Yeah, for your marriage license. You *did* get your blood tests
done, didn't you?"
He then says, "I didn't know we had to."
You reply, "Well, your license won't be valid until the test results are in.
You need to go to your doctor and he files the results with the State. It only
takes a couple weeks for the paper work, so you have time.
He says in a panic, "But my wedding's in three days!"
(And the groom then runs out of office and goes to doctor. He comes back
quite angry in 90 minutes. We laugh our asses off anyway.)
A groom buys the engagement ring at a jewelry store. As the groom enters the
room, we "have been talking about" the news that says the jewelry-store-he-just-
went-to is being investigated for selling plastic diamonds to unknowledgeable
customers. This didn't work too well, but maybe if you have better actors in
your group...
At my cousin's wedding, my dad (who doesn't much care for his nephew's bride)
thought it would be funny to flick his cigarette at her back as she walked down
the aisle. It got caught in her hair and started to smolder. Her father had
to get it out while she cried hysterically. Then he punched my Uncle Raymond,
whom he thought had tossed it, right square in the forehead and ended breaking
his own hand. Good wedding.
Kidnapping between the wedding and reception is fun. We took my friend Will
to one of those kiddie Grand Prix raceways, and wouldn't let him leave until he
took a "victory lap" in one of the cars. It made for an interesting wedding
photo album.
I had heard tell of (could be an Urban Legend) someone sprinkling a groom's
food with alum. By the time he was ready for his honeymoon, the alum kinda made
him impotent temporarily... It was really cruel.
Fill up a baby feeding bottle with milk, make the bride and groom stand on a
table and make the bride feed that bottle to the groom. And all the people can
take a photograph of it.
Jack up the car, put blocks under the axle, then lower the car onto the
blocks. When the newlyweds try to make their getaway, watch them rev...and
rev...and rev...
We did this to my sister. Fun stuff.
I added shaving cream and destroyed the paint job on a classmate's car when I
was 21. That must have been a swell present! He never said anything to me about
it and I only learned about it years later from someone else.
The best man at my friends wedding rigged the horn to sound every time the
brake was pressed, they drove half way down the road util they realized what was
going on and had to return to fix it.
I saw a neat trick during the best man's speech, where he mentioned an old
flame had been after the groom after she found out he was getting married and
that he had a job to keep her away from the service and hoped she wouldn't
suddenly appear. There was a bang and a prolonged hisssss, as an inflatable
doll appeared from a box under the table. I understand an inflatable sheep
works just as well.
For a small fee, you can get an agency to have a pregnant "ex-girlfriend"
appear at the service, in a wedding gown, claiming the groom-to-be the father of
her child and demanding *she* should be the one to be married. The one I saw
even had a bunch of dead flowers with her!
If they are under 21, you can always have someone impersonate a police
officer stating that they are there to bust them for underage drinking and
serving alcohol to minors. (Must have a good sense of humor for this one.)
Obtain access to their getaway car. Fill with balloons. A few extra helium
balloons in the trunk with their luggage is a nice touch.
Sew hearts on their underwear. (Usually requires cooperation from one or
both families to get access to their clothing.)
Get a can of aerosol whipped cream. Put it in their car, near the luggage.
Attach a note suggesting that they use their imaginations.
If you can get access to their luggage after they have packed, add styrofoam
peanuts in whatever nooks and crannies are left.
At the wedding of one of my sisters, there were a couple of cakes. The main
one was pretty traditional, with the plastic side-by-side bride and groom figure
on top. The smaller one had the bride standing, with the groom in her arms, as
if *she* was about to carry *him* over the threshold. This was not only cute
but realistic; my sister is somewhat taller than her husband.
For whoever is introducing the wedding party, the bride's chief attendant may
be referred to as the "best woman". The groom's main attendant is the "gentleman
of honor."
A really nasty one was to put the passed out cold drunk groom on an Amtrack
train to anywhere but where he needs to be come wedding time!
A mild trick is to have a pizza delivered during the wedding and then again
during the reception.
When the groom asks the best man for the ring, he turns and nervously says he
doesn't have it, who then turns to the next groomsman and asks the same
question, and so on until the last person turns and grabs a giant box of Cracker
Jacks that contained the wedding ring.
The whole church was rolling as the best man and his co-horts had the last
laugh. It was truely classic.
At a friend's garden wedding one June several years ago, the groom's men
poured talcum powder in all the vents of the happy couple's car. The bride and
groom left the reception, dressed in their finest duds, and less than a mile
out, they turned on the air conditioning because of the heat. I understand that
it took a couple of days to expel all the talcum powder from the system and
their clothing was covered with powder. Not a destructive trick...but most
unpleasant nonetheless.
At a friend's wedding, the bridal party filled their car with balloons, all
filled with laughing gas. They put them everywhere, under seats, in the glove
box, etc. They popped the balloons and everyone was relaxed and laughing. But
balloons were popping all during the trip of their honeymoon. They said they
enjoyed the trick.
A friend got married and I, being the best man, decided a humorous practical
joke was in order. One of the duties of the best man is to make arrangements for
pick up and return of the groom's tux. After final fitting, rent an extra coat
jacket that is either 3 or 4 sizes smaller or larger than the groom's. Explain
to the tux shop what you're up to. Pick up the groom's fitted coat, switch with
the extra rented coat, and deliver to the groom only when it becomes time to
actually get dressed. The friend of mine wore a 42 long, but the one I provided
was a 38 short. Talk about some serious fun! Don't reveal that you know
anything as long as possible.
-= wedding bells =-= 2 =-----------------------------------------------------
Ideas For A Bachelorette Party
Items at a recent bachelorette party:
1. Penis nose glasses for the bachelorette.
2. Penis drinking straw to drink ALL drinks from all night.
3. A tee shirt with cherry Life Savers pinned to it (at least one over each
breast) that are to be sucked off by males met during the course of the
evening.
4. A pen attached to the shirt that men can write messages on of their choice.
5. The bachelorette must guess whether or not each man she meets is wearing
boxer's or briefs (or none), and ask them to prove it. (This provides a LOT
of amature strippers through out the evening).
6. Nice guys must be asked to try and unhook her bra with one hand through her
shirt (this gets the guys with girlfriends in a lot of trouble, so do the
Life Savers). Much more interesting with a front hook bra too.
7. Make her wear a bunch of blown up condoms pinned to her skirt/shirt.
8. If the party runs into a bachelor party, the guests of honor must kiss each
other.
(All of this is from a single party)
Or you could give her a pack of condoms which each have a little pin prick in
them, and tell her to use them during their honeymoon. That oughta get the
family unit jump-started ;-)
-= wedding bells =-= 3 =-----------------------------------------------------
A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the
girl wear white?"
His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the
happiest day of her life."
The boys thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing
black..."
-= wedding bells =-= 4 =-----------------------------------------------------
A woman was getting married. She entered the church wearing a black wedding
gown that surprised everyone. The pastor was a bit annoyed and asked her, "Why
are you dressed up in black?" The woman replied, "Well, that's because I'm not
a virgin."
-= wedding bells =-= 5 =-----------------------------------------------------
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main
Street. "But, officer," the man began, "I can explain" "Just be quiet,"
snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the
chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say" "And I said to keep
quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his
prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding.
He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the
fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
-= wedding bells =-= 6 =-----------------------------------------------------
A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding. When he
asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted
for the contemporary.
On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to
the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep
his trousers dry.
When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the
sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting.
"Pull down your pants," whispered the pastor.
"Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind," the groom responded. "I think I want
the traditional service."
-= wedding bells =-= 7 =-----------------------------------------------------
Why don't young girls fart?
Because they have to grow up and marry an asshole!
-= wedding bells =-= 8 =-----------------------------------------------------
If it's true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is
understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings.
-= wedding bells =-= 9 =-----------------------------------------------------
An unmarried girl who worked in a busy office arrived one morning and began
passing out big cigars and candy, both tied with blue ribbons. When asked what
the occasion was, she proudly displayed a new diamond solitaire ring on her
third finger, left hand, and announced, "It's a boy, six feet tall and 190
pounds!"
-= wedding bells =-= 10 =-----------------------------------------------------
Today, when a man gets married he gets a home, a housekeeper, a cook, a cheering
squad, and another paycheck. When a woman marries, she gets a boarder.
-= wedding bells =-= 11 =-----------------------------------------------------
As reported on CNN:
Undercover police, staging the wedding of "a drug kingpin's daughter", let it be
known on the street that dealers were "invited" (i. e. Expected to attend). The
bride and groom were police, as was the band, bartender, and about half the
guests. The band playing at the wedding was "S. P. O. C." (COPS, backwards),
and the wedding went through the full ceremony, including the dancing afterward.
The long-sought dealers were arrested after the "band" took their break. The
last song the band played before taking its break? "I Fought The Law, And The
Law Won"
-= wedding bells =-= 12 =-----------------------------------------------------
From the San Antonio Express-News 4/12/92:
Kathy Abbott wore an off-white antique lace gown at her wedding in East
Rutherford, N.J. The groom, Tom McLaughlin, wore a red tank top, all the better
to show off arms tattooed with figures of Old West saloons and American Indians.
They signified the permanence of their marriage, his third, her fourth, by
having their ring fingers tattooed.
"It has more meaning," said McLaughlin, a 37-year-old truck driver. "You
can't loose it."
In any other setting, their wedding Friday would be considered unusual. But
it was more than appropriate at the 13th annual National Tattoo Convention.
-= wedding bells =-= 13 =-----------------------------------------------------
WhiteBoard News
Los Angeles, California:
The bride's wedding dress was stolen. The groom's tux was looted. And the
photographer and limousine service cancelled at the last minute after rioting
hit south central Los Angeles.
But Victoria LeMelle and Roger Compton walked down the aisle Saturday in a
church fragrant with carnations, white roses and the smell of smoke from the
fires that nearly ruined their nuptials.
"I'm happy anyway," the new Mrs. Compton, a 28-year-old bus driver, said
Sunday. "We just decided we weren't going to let a bunch of ignorant people get
in our way. May 2nd was our day, and nobody was going to stop us."
-= wedding bells =-= 14 =-----------------------------------------------------
Personal ad in a local paper:
David G. Contact me soon! Bring three rings: engagement, wedding, and teething.
Have news. Debbie.
-= wedding bells =-= 15 =-----------------------------------------------------
Classified ad from "Thrifty Nickel", Panama City Beach, Florida:
Wedding ring set with numerous diamonds, $400 or trade for handgun.
874-0935
-= wedding bells =-= 16 =-----------------------------------------------------
"So you want another day off," snorted the office manager to his clerk. "I'm
anxious to hear what excuse you have this time. You've been off for your
grandfather's funeral four times already." Replied the clerk, "Today, my
grandma is getting married again."
-= wedding bells =-= 17 =-----------------------------------------------------
Marriage Customs: AD 200, Northern Europe
Among the Germanic Goths, a man married a woman from within his own
community. When women were in short supply, he captured his bride-to-be from a
neighboring village. The future bridegroom, accompanied by a male companion,
seized any young girl who had strayed from the safety of her parental home. Our
custom of a "best man" is a relic of that two-man, strong-armed tactic; for such
an important task, only the best man would do.
From this practice of abduction, which literally swept a bride off her feet,
also sprang the later symbolic act of carrying the bride over the threshold of
her new home.
A best man around AD 200 carried more than a ring. Since there remained the
real threat of the bride's family attempting to forcibly gain her return, the
best man stayed by the groom's side throughout the marriage ceremony, alert and
armed. He also might serve as a sentry outside the newlyweds' home. Of course,
much of this is German folklore, but it is not without written documentation and
physical artifacts. For instance, the threat of recapture by the bride's family
was perceived as so genuine that beneath the church altars of many early peoples
including the Huns, the Goths, the Visigoths, and the Vandals, lay an arsenal,
of clubs, knives, and spears.
The tradition that the bride stand to the left of the groom was also more
than a meaningless etiquette. Among the Northern Europeans barbarians (so named
by the Romans), a groom placed his captured bride on his left to protect her,
freeing his right hand, the sword hand, against sudden attack.
Wedding Rings: 2800 BC, Egypt
The origin and significance of the wedding rings is much disputed. One
school of thought maintains that the modern ring is symbolic of the fetters used
by barbarians to tether a bride to her captor's home. If that be true, today's
double ring ceremonies fittingly express the newfound equality of the sexes.
The other school of thought focuses on the first actual bands exchanged in a
marriage ceremony. A finger ring was first used in the Third Dynasty of the Old
Kingdom of Egypt, around 2800 BC. To the Egyptians, a circle, having no
beginning or end, signified eternity, for which marriage was binding.
Rings of gold were the most highly valued by wealthy Egyptians, and later
Romans. Among numerous two-thousand-year-old rings unearthed at the site of
Pompeii is one of a unique design that would become popular throughout Europe
centuries later, and in America during the Flower Child era of the '60s
and '70s. That extant gold marriage ring (of the type now called a friendship
ring) has two carved hands clasped in a handshake.
There is evidence that young Roman men of moderate financial means often went
for broke for their future brides. Tertullian, a Christian priest writing in the
second century AD, observed that "most women know nothing of gold except the
single marriage ring placed on one finger." In public, the average Roman
housewife proudly wore her gold band, but at home, according to Tertullian, she
"wore a ring of iron."
In earlier centuries, a ring's design often conveyed meaning. Several extant
Roman bands bear a miniature key welded to one side. Not that the key
sentimentally suggested a bride had unlocked her husband's heart. Rather, in
accordance with Roman law, it symbolized a central tenet of the marriage
contract: that a wife was entitled to half her husband's wealth, and that she
could, at will, help herself to a bag of grain, a roll of linen, or whatever
rested in his storehouse. Two millennia would drag on before that civil
attitude would reemerge.
Diamond Engagement Ring: 15th Century, Venice
A Venetian wedding document dated 1503 lists "one marrying ring having
diamond." The gold wedding ring of one Mary of Modina, it was among the early
betrothal rings that featured a diamond setting. They began a tradition that
probably is forever.
The Venetians were the first to discover that the diamond is one of the
hardest, most enduring substances in nature, and that fine cutting and polishing
releases its brilliance. Diamonds, sets in bands of silver and gold, became
popular for betrothal rings among wealthy Venetians toward the close of the
fifteenth century. Rarity and cost limited their rapid proliferation throughout
Europe, but their intrinsic appeal guaranteed them a future. By the seventeenth
century, the diamond ring had become the most popular, sought-after statement of
European engagement.
One of history's early diamond engagement rings was also its smallest, worn
by a two-year-old bride-to-be. The ring was fashioned for the betrothal of
Princess Mary, daughter of Henry VIII, to the dauphin of France, son of King
Francis I. Born on February 28, 1518, the dauphin was immediately engaged as a
matter of state policy, to assure a more intimate alliance between England and
France. Infant Mary was presented with the veriest vogue in rings, which
doubtless fit the tiny royal finger for only a short time.
Through the origin of the diamond engagement ring is known, that of betrothal
rings in general is less certain. The practice began, though, well before the
fifteenth century.
An early Anglo-Saxon custom required that a prospective bridegroom break some
highly valued personal belonging. Half the token was kept by the groom, half by
the bride's father. A wealthy man was expected to split a piece of gold or
silver. Exactly when the broken piece of metal was symbolically replaced by a
ring is uncertain. The weight of historical evidence seems to indicate that
betrothal rings (at least among European peoples existed before wedding rings,
and that the ring a bride received at the time of proposal was given to her
again during the wedding ceremony. Etymologists find one accurate description
of the engagement ring's intent in its original Roman name, arrhae, meaning
"earnest money."
For Roman Catholics, the engagement ring's official introduction is
unequivocal. In AD 860, Pope Nicholas I decreed that an engagement ring become
a required statement of nuptial intent. An uncompromising defender of the
sanctity of marriage, Nicholas once excommunicated two archbishops who had been
involved with the marriage, divorce, and remarriage of Lothair II of Lorraine,
charging them with "conniving at bigamy." For Nicholas, a ring of just any
material or worth would not suffice. The engagement ring was to be of a valued
metal, preferably gold, which for the husband-to-be represented a financial
sacrifice; thus started a tradition.
In that century, two other customs were established: forfeiture of the ring
by a man who reneged on a marriage pledge; surrender of the ring by a woman who
broke off an engagement. The Church became unbending regarding the seriousness
of a marriage promise and the punishment if broken. The Council of Elvira
condemned the parents of a man who terminated an engagement to excommunication
for three years. And if a woman backed out for reasons unacceptable to the
Church, her parish priest had the authority to order her into a nunnery for
life. For a time, "till death do us part" began weeks or months before a bride
and groom were even united.
Ring Finger: 3rd Century BC, Greece
The early Hebrews placed the wedding ring on the index finger. In India,
nuptial rings were worn on the thumb. The WEstern custom of placing a wedding
ring on the "third" finger (not counting the thumb) began with the Greeks,
through carelessness in cataloguing human anatomy.
Greek physicians in the third century BC believed that a certain vein, the
"vein of love," ran from the "third finger" directly to the heart. It became
the logical digit to carry a ring symbolizing an affair of the heart.
The Romans, plagiarizing Greek anatomy charts, adopted the ring practice
unquestioningly. The did attempt to clear up the ambiguity surrounding exactly
what finger constituted the third, introducing the phrase "the finger next to
the least." This also became the Roman physician's "healing finger," used to
stir mixtures of drugs. Since the finger's vein supposedly ran to the heart,
any potentially toxic concoction would be readily recognized by a doctor "in his
heart" before being administered to a patient.
The Christians continued this ring-finger practice, but worked their way
across the hand to the vein of love. A groom first placed the ring on the top
of the bride's index finger, with the words "In the name of the Father." Then
praying, "In the name of the Son," he moved the ring to her middle finger, and
finally, with the concluding words, "and of the Holy Spirit, Amen," to the third
finger. This was known as the Trinitarian formula.
In the East, the Orientals did not approve of finger rings, believing them to
be merely ornamental, lacking social symbolism or religious significance.
Marriage Banns: 8th Century, Europe
Curing European feudal times, all public announcements concerning deaths,
taxes, or births were called "banns." Today we use the term exclusively for an
announcement that two people propose to marry. That interpretation began as a
result of an order by Charlemagne, king of the Franks, who on Christmas Day in
AD 800 was crowned Emperor of the Romans, marking the birth of the Holy Roman
Empire.
Charlemagne, with a vast region to rule, had a practical medical reason for
instituting marriage banns.
Among rich and poor alike, a child's parentage was not always clear; an
extramarital indiscretion could lead to a half-brother and half-sister marrying,
and frequently did. Charlemagne, alarmed by the high rate of sibling marriages,
and the subsequent genetic damage to the offspring, issued an edict throughout
his unified kingdom: All marriages were to be publicly proclaimed at least
seven days prior to the ceremony. To avoid consanguinity between the
prospective bride and groom, any person with information that the man and women
were related as brother or sister, or as half-siblings, was ordered to come
forth. The practice proved so successful that it was widely endorsed by all
faiths.
Wedding Cakes: 1st Century BC, Rome
The wedding cake was not always eaten by the bride; it was originally thrown
at her. It developed as one of many fertility symbols integral to the marriage
ceremony. For until modern times, children were expected to follow marriage as
faithfully as night follows day; and almost as frequently.
Wheat, long a symbol of fertility and prosperity, was one of the earliest
grains to ceremoniously shower new brides; and unmarried young women were expect
to scramble for the grains to ensure their own betrothals, as they do today for
the bridal bouquet.
Early Romans bakers, whose confectionery skills were held in higher regard
than the talents of the city's greatest builders, altered the practice. Around
100 BC they began baking the wedding wheat into small, sweet cakes, to be eaten,
not thrown. Wedding guests, however, loath to abandon the fun of pelting the
bride with wheat confetti, often tossed the cakes.
According to the Roman poet and philosopher Lucretius, author of "De rerun
natura" (Of the Nature of Things"), a compromised ritual developed in which the
wheat cakes were crumbled over a bride's head. And as a further symbol of
fertility, the couple was required to eat a portion of the crumbs, a custom
known as "confarreation, or "eating together." After exhausting the supply of
cakes, guests were presented with handfuls of "confetto, "sweet meats", a
confetti-like mixture of nuts, dried fruits, and honeyed almonds, sort of an
ancient trail mix.
The practice of eating crumbs of small wedding cakes spread throughout
Western Europe. In England, the crumbs were washed down with a special ale.
The brew itself was referred to as "bryd ealu", or "bride's ale," which evolved
into the word "bridal."
The wedding cake rite, in which tossed food symbolized an abundance of
offspring, changed during lean times in the early Middle Ages. Raw wheat or
rice once again showered a bride. The once-decorative cakes became simple
biscuits or scones to be eaten. And guests were encouraged to bake their own
biscuits and bring them to the ceremony. Leftovers were distributed among the
poor. Ironically, it was these austere practices that with time, ingenuity, and
French contempt for all things British led to the most opulent of wedding
adornments: the multi-tiered cake.
The legend is this: Throughout the British Isles, it had become customary to
pile the contributed scones, biscuits, and other baked goods atop one another
into an enormous heap. The higher, the better, for height augured prosperity
for the couple, who exchanged kisses over the mound. In the 1660s, during the
reign of King Charles II, a French chef (whose name, unfortunately, is lost to
history) was visiting London and observed the cakepiling ceremony. Appalled at
the haphazard manner in which the British stacked baked goods, often to have
them tumble, he conceived the idea of transforming the mountain of bland
biscuits into an iced, multitiered cake sensation. British papers of the day
are supposed to have deplored the French excess, but before the close of the
century, British bakers were offering the very same magnificent creations.
Throwing Shoes at the Bride: Antiquity, Asia and Europe.
Today old shoes are tied to newlyweds' cars and no one asks why. Why, of all
things, shoes? And why old shoes?
Originally, shoes were only one of many objects tossed at a bride to wish her
a bounty of children. In fact, shoes were preferred over the equally
traditional wheat and rice because from ancient times the foot was a powerful
phallic symbol. In several cultures, particularly among the Eskimos, a woman
experiencing difficulty in conceiving was instructed to carry a piece of an old
shoe with her at all times. The preferred shoes for throwing at a bride, and
later for tying to the newlyweds' car, were old ones strictly for economic
reasons. Shoes have never been inexpensive.
Thus, the throwing of shoes, rice, cake crumbs, and confetti, as well as the
origin of the wedding cake, are all expressions for a fruitful union. It is not
without irony that in our age, with such strong emphasis on delayed childbearing
and family planning, the modern wedding ceremony is replete with customs meant
to induce maximum fertility.
Honeymoon: Early Christian Era, Scandinavia
There is a vast difference between the original meaning of "honeymoon" and
its present-day connotation, a blissful, much-sought seclusion as a prelude to
married life. The word's antecedent, the ancient Norse hjunottsmanathr, is
we'll see, cynical in meaning, and the seclusion it bespeaks was once anything
but blissful.
When a man from a Northern European community abducted a bride from a
neighboring village, it was imperative that he take her into hiding for a period
of time. Friends bade him safety, and his whereabouts were known only to the
best man. When the bride's family abandoned their search, he returned to his
own people. At least, that is a popular explanation offered by folklorists for
the origin of the honeymoon; honeymoon meant hiding. For couples whose
affections were mutual, the daily chores and hardships of village life did not
allow for the luxury of days or weeks of blissful idleness.
The Scandinavian words for "honeymoon" derives in part from an ancient
Northern European custom. Newlyweds, for the first month of married life, drank
a daily cup of honeyed wine called mead. Both the drink and the practice of
stealing brides are part of the history of Attila, king of the Asiatic Hungs
from AD 433 to 453. The warrior guzzled tankards of the alcoholic distillate at
his marriage in 450 to the Roman princess Honoria, sister f Emperor Valentinian
III. Attila abducted her from a previous marriage and claimed her for his own -
along with laying claim to the western half of the Roman Empire. Three years
later, at another feast, Attila's unquenchable passion for mead lead to an
excessive consumption that induced vomiting, stupor, coma, and his death.
While the "honey" in the word "honeymoon" derives straightforwardly from the
honeyed wine mean, the "moon" stems from a cynical inference. To Northern
Europeans, the term "moon" connoted the celestial body's monthly cycle; its
combination with "honey" suggested that all moons or months of married life were
not as sweet as the first. During the sixteenth and seventeenth centuries,
British prose writers and poets frequently employed the Nordic interpretation of
honeymoon as a waxing and waning of marital affection.
Wedding March: 19th Century, England
The traditional church wedding features two bridal marches, by two different
classical composers.
The bride walks down the aisle to the majestic, moderately paced music of the
"Bridal Chorus" from Richard Wagner's 1848 opera "Lohengrin. The newlyweds exit
to the more jubilant, upbeat strains of the "Wedding March" from Felix
Mendelssohn's "A Midsummer Night's Dream."
The custom dates back to the royal marriage, in 1858, of Victoria, princess
of Great Britain, and Empress of Germany, to Prince Frederick William of
Prussia. Victoria, eldest daughter of Britain's Queen Victoria, selected the
music herself. A patron of the arts, she valued the works of Mendelssohn and
practically venerated those of Wagner. Given the British penchant for copying
the monarchy, soon brides throughout the Isles, nobility and commoners alike,
were marching to Victoria's drummer, establishing a Western wedding tradition.
White Wedding Dress and Veil: 16th Century, England and France
White has denoted purity and virginity for centuries. But in ancient Rome,
yellow was the socially accepted color for a bride's wedding attire, and a veil
of flame-hued yellow, the "flammeum," covered her face. The bridal veil, in
fact, predates, the wedding dress by centuries. And the facial veil itself
predates the bridal veil.
Historians of fashion claim that the facial veil was strictly a male
invention, and one of the oldest devices designed to keep married and single
women humble, subservient, and hidden from other males. Although the veil at
various times throughout its long history also served as a symbol of elegance
and intrigue, modesty and mourning, it is one article of feminine attire that
women may never have created for themselves.
Originating in the East at least four thousand years ago, veils were worn
throughout life by unmarried women as a sign of modesty and by married women as
a sign of submissiveness to their husbands. In Muslim religions, a woman was
expected to cover her head and part of her face whenever she left the house. As
time passed, rules (made by men) became stricter and only a woman's eyes were
permitted to remain uncovered, a concession to necessity, since ancient veils
were of heavy weaves, which interfered with vision.
Customs were less severe and formal in Northern European countries. Only
abducted brides wore veils. Color was unimportant, concealment paramount.
Among the Greeks and the Romans by the fourth century BC, sheer translucent
veils were the vogue at weddings. They were pinned to the hair or held in place
by ribbons, and yellow had become the preferred color, for veil and wedding
gown. During the Middle Ages, color ceased to be a primary concern; emphasis
was on the richness of fabric and decorative embellishments.
In England and France, the practice of wearing white at weddings was first
commented on by writers in the sixteenth century. White was a visual statement
of a bride's virginity, so obvious and public a statement that it did not please
everyone. Clergymen, for instance, felt that virginity, a marriage prerequisite,
should not have to be blatantly advertised. For the next hundred fifty years,
British newspapers and magazines carried the running controversy fired by white
wedding ensembles.
By the late eighteenth century, white had become the standard wedding color.
Fashion historians claim this was due mainly to the fact that most gowns of the
time were white; that white was the color of formal fashion. In 1813, the first
fashion plate of a white wedding gown and veil appears in the influential French
"Journal des Dames." From that point onward, the style was set.
-= wedding bells =-= 18 =-----------------------------------------------------
And then there was the Unitarian boy who married an Amish girl. He drove her
buggy.
-= wedding bells =-= 19 =-----------------------------------------------------
Excerpt from the book, "A Natural History of Love" by Diane Ackerman
Copyright (c) 1990, 1994; publisher Random House
Our Western idea of a love marriage occurred late in human history. The
first marriages were by capture. When a man saw a woman he desired (usually
from another tribe), he took her by force. To kidnap a bride, a groom enlisted
the aid of a warrior friend, his "best man". Capture marriage dominated the
prehistoric world, and it was even legal in England until the 13th century.
However, marriage by purchase was the preferred tradition, and even when it
wasn't an overt sale of the bride for cash, everyone understood that she was
being bartered for land, holdings, political alliances, or social advancement.
The Anglo-Saxon word "wedd" meant the groom's pledge to marry but also the
purchase money or its equivalent in horses, cattle, or other property, which the
groom paid to the bride's father. So a "wedding" was literally the purchase of
a woman for breeding purposes, involving an element of risk. The word derives
from a root that meant to gamble or wager.
Often, the groom's family told him whom to marry, and they rarely let him see
his prospective bride, because if he didn't like her looks, he might balk. The
father "gave the bride away" to the buyer, who lifted her veil to see her face
for the first time.
We think of the "honeymoon" as romantic days of sensual bliss. But the
original honeymoon had a more somber purpose. After a groom captured or bought
a bride, he disappeared with her for a while, so that her family couldn't rescue
her. By the time they found the couple, the bride would already be pregnant.
The expression "to tie the knot" dates to the time of the Romans, when the
bride wore a girdle secured by a knot, which the groom then had the fun of
untying.
We have record of "engagement rings" being given in Anglo-Saxon days, but no
doubt they have a much longer history. Circles or rings have always symbolized
eternity. So it's not surprising that rings were given to show favor between
two people, seal agreements, or symbolize something sacred. It was the medieval
Italians who favored a diamond ring, because of their superstition that diamonds
were created from the flames of love.
The soldiers of ancient Sparta first staged "stag parties". A groom would
feast with his male friends on the night before the wedding. They probably
provided the Spartan version of strippers and women leaping out of cakes. In
this rite of passage, the function of the party was to say goodbye to the
frivolities of bachelorhood while swearing continued allegiance to one's
comrades.
"Bridal showers" also were meant to restate bonds and to prepare the bride
with gifts and moral support for the marriage. However, the term "shower"
itself is fairly recent. In the 1890s, a woman held a party for her newly
engaged friend, at which a Japanese parasol filled with little gifts was turned
upside down over the bride-to-be's head, producing a wonderful shower of
presents. When word of this hit the fashion pages, it so charmed readers that
everyone wanted to have a "shower" of her own.
The idea of the "bridal party" has many origins, but one dates to the
Anglo-Saxons. A man planning to capture a woman needed help from his bachelor
pals, otherwise known as the "bridesmen" or "brideknights". The brideknights
made sure she got to the church, and to the groom's house afterward. The bride
had her own "bridesmaids" and a married "bride's woman" to help her.
The "flower girl" is a medieval addition to the ceremony. Originally, she
carried wheat to symbolize fertility. The "ring bearer" also appeared in the
middle ages, perhaps for symmetry, and was a young page.
The white "wedding dress", now traditional in the Western world, was
popularized by Anne of Brittany, who wore one for her marriage to Louis XII of
France in 1499. Before that, a woman just wore her best dress. In biblical
days, blue, not white, symbolized purity, and both bride and groom wore a blue
band around the bottom of their wedding attire, which is where the idea of the
bride's "something blue" comes from.
The "bride's veil", which hides her beauty behind a smokescreen of fabric, is
a sign of modesty and submission, and in some cultures, the veil covers a woman
from head to foot. She is her husband's ransom; he alone gets to lift her veil.
Brides have always worn or carried flowers, though not "bridal bouquets". In
the 14th century, when it was popular for the bride to toss her garter to the
men (reenacting how a lady would toss her ribbon or colors to her knight),
things sometimes got out of hand, with drunken guests trying to remove the
garter ahead of time. Tossing her bouquet was less worrisome.
"Wedding rings" are very ancient indeed, and historians aren't sure when the
first one was worn, but it was probably made of iron. The main thing was that
the ring be of plain strong metal, so that it didn't break, which would have
seemed a disastrous omen. The Romans felt that a small artery, the "vena
amoris", or "vein of love" ran from the third finger to the heart and that
wearing a ring on that finger joined the couple's hearts and destiny.
Fertility symbols have always accompanied weddings. The ancient Romans baked
a special wheat or barley cake, which they broke over the bride's head as a
symbol of her fertility. It became the custom for English newlyweds to pile up
small cakes, one upon the other, as high as they could and then try to kiss over
them without knocking the tower down. If they succeeded, it meant a lifetime of
prosperity. These simple cakes evolved into the high art of the "wedding cake"
during the reign of England's King Charles II, whose French chefs decided to
take the traditional cake, turn it into an edible palace, and ice it with white
sugar.
"Tying shoes to the car bumper" seems an odd custom, but it reflects the
symbolic power that shoes had for ancient cultures. The Egyptians exchanged
sandals when they exchanged property or authority, so a father would give the
groom his daughter's sandal to show that she was now in his care. This was also
the custom in Anglo-Saxon marriages, and the groom tapped the bride lightly on
the head with the shoe to impress upon her his authority. In later days, people
began throwing shoes at the couple and finally, in the automobile age, tying
shoes to the car.
Once a couple marry, they have a brand-new collection of customs, rules, and
regulations to contend with. It's as if society didn't hand around enough
edicts, and relatives didn't issue enough demands, because couples like to
invent their own private customs too.
Remembering Valentine's Day is a must. But who knows who Valentine was? One
legend holds that Valentinus, a priest in third-century Rome, secretly married
couples even though the Emperor Claudius had temporarily forbidden it. Claudius
was waging a war and believed that bachelor soldiers would fight harder. Another
legend paints Valentinus as a Christian imprisoned for refusing to worship pagan
gods. Making friends with the jailer's blind daughter, he cured her through
prayer, and on the day of his execution, February 14, he sent her a farewell
note signed "Your Valentine". Other legends link him to erotic festivals in
ancient Rome that happened to take place during February (named after Juno
Februata, goddess of love's fever). For whatever reason, he was canonized in the
Middle Ages, and St. Valentine has been the patron saint of lovers ever since.
Passion may crave spontaneity and disorder, but love likes its holidays to be
reliable, even commemorative, and invents rituals to give the marriage a sense
of history and society. In time, long after the romance may have waned, it's
not just their vows that unite couples, but also a wealth of shared habits,
customs, and events. For longtime spouses, the marriage becomes their homeland,
complete with its own laws, mayths, and routines. Divorce seems like exile,
because they are citizens of the marriage, in whose bustling city-state they
dwell.
-= wedding bells =-= 20 =-----------------------------------------------------
The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother. "Mom,"
she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy."
The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor, and
respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..."
"I know how to fuck, mother," the bride-to-be interrupted. "I want you to
teach me how to make a great lasagna."
-= wedding bells =-= 21 =-----------------------------------------------------
First Convict: I heard the Warden's daughter up and married a guy down on
Cellblock D. The Warden's mighty upset about it too.
Second Convict: Why? Because she married a con?
First Convict: No. Because they eloped.
-= wedding bells =-= 22 =-----------------------------------------------------
Marriage Records
According to "The Guinness Book Of Records"
The longest marriage lasted 86 years, between Sir Temulji Bhicaji Nariman
and Lady Nariman, who were wed in 1853 when they were 5 years old.
The longest engagement was between Octavio Guillen and Adriana Martinez of
Mexico, who took 67 years to make sure they were right for each other.
The most expensive wedding in recent times took place in 1981, when Mohammed,
sone of Shaik Rashid Bin Saeed Al Maktoum, married Princess Salama in Dubai.
The wedding lasted seven days, included 20,000 guests and took place in a
stadium that had been built for the occasion.
-= wedding bells =-= 23 =-----------------------------------------------------
The following guidelines were given to me prior to proposing to my girlfriend.
Use what you need and throw out what doesn't pertain to you.
Announcement:
It is the responsibility of the bride's family to announce the wedding in the
local newspaper. The announcement should include: a photograph of the bride (A
high school yearbook picture is acceptable); name of the groom, education
completed by both bride and groom (DO NOT include elementary school, unless that
was the terminal degree.); current employment and planned residence after the
ceremony (If living with the bride's parents, it is NOT necessary to specify
where in the house you will reside).
Invitations:
Since you are having a planned wedding and you are expecting a lot of free
stuff, you MUST send out invitations! They do not have to be lengthy.
Something like "You are invited to watch ___ and ___ make it legal on _____."
will suffice nicely. If you don't want to be so formal you can always run down
to the local bar and yell "If you ain't doing nothin' on ____ why don't you stop
by my house for a cold one about 2 o'clock. Me and ___'s having some friends
over to watch the ball game and witness our wedding."
Proper Attire:
For the bride, the key words are "be conservative." No matter how good it may
look, refrain from wedding outfits made with spandex or adorned with fringe.
Excessive slits and dips also are frowned upon. This is NOT the occasion to
show the world how big "THEY" are.
For the groom, a rented tuxedo is haute couture, but if it means the
difference between going on a honeymoon and staying home, consider some
alternatives. For example, a leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean work
shirt can create a natty appearance. And though possibly uncomfortable, say yes
to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
The Ceremony:
No matter how urgent the event, loaded weapons have no place at the altar. At
the point in the ceremony that says, "If anybody has any reason why these two
should no be joined in holy matrimony...", tell the preacher not to pause too
long, old flames sometimes die hard and talk too much. As the ceremony is
concluded, you and ___ should realize that a short kiss will do. This is neither
the time nor the place to demonstrate your sexual expertise to the world. That's
why the video camera was invented.
Reception:
Remember to reserve the UAW hall far in advance, and avoid Saturdays, since
that's bingo night. It is perfectly acceptable to ask guests to wipe their feet
before entering the hall. After all, the cleaning deposit can be the difference
between an oil change and a full tune-up for the car.
When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is!!
Common Wedding Questions And Answers:
Is it all right to bring a date to the wedding?
Not if you are the groom.
How many showers is the bride supposed to have?
At least one within a week of the wedding.
What music is recommended for the wedding ceremony?
Anything except "Tied to the Whipping Post".
-= wedding bells =-= 24 =-----------------------------------------------------
From "New York Newsday"
Former Rolling Stone Bill Wyman's son is to marry his ex-wife's mother. Wyman's
son from a previous marriage, Stephen, 30, announced his engagement to Patsy
Smith, 46, the mother of Wyman's former wife, Mandy, 22. The marriage would
make the rock star his ex-wife's grandfather.
-= wedding bells =-= 25 =-----------------------------------------------------
Not A True Story, But What If ...
A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient,
"How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got this
reply...
"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done
it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter. My
dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married
her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who
was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my
stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife. So, as I told you, when
my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my
new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my
wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget
that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's
grandson. But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to
my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am
also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"
-= wedding bells =-= 26 =-----------------------------------------------------
From the Winnipeg Free Press:
Dateline: London
A British man was found guilty yesterday of having sex with a dog after a
video he made of the act was inadvertently shown to speechless wedding guests
expecting to see a replay of a marriage ceremony.
The 59-year-old man lent his video recorder to a friend to film the wedding,
but forgot to erase from the tape scenes of him in sex acts with a neighbor's
bull terrier named Ronnie.
-= wedding bells =-= 27 =-----------------------------------------------------
How can you tell the married men at a wedding reception?
They're the ones dancing with everyone but their wives.
-= wedding bells =-= 28 =-----------------------------------------------------
What is a wedding tragedy?
To marry a man for love, and then find out he has no money.
-= wedding bells =-= 29 =-----------------------------------------------------
My Dearest Susan,
Sweetie of my heart. I've been so desolate ever since I broke off our
engagement. Simply devastated. Won't you please consider coming back to me?
You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never marry
another woman quite like you. I need you so much. Won't you forgive me and
let us make a new beginning? I love you so.
Yours always and truly,
John
P.S. Congratulations on you winning the state lottery.
-= wedding bells =-= 30 =-----------------------------------------------------
He really loved her but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was
up in his years and neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they
dated about once a week for the past six years but he was so timid he just
never got around to suggesting marriage, much less living together.
But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her
on the phone, "Judith."
"Yes, this is Judith."
"Will you marry me?"
"Of course. Who's speaking?"
-= wedding bells =-= 31 =-----------------------------------------------------
Lonny and Sandra have never stopped feuding, even though they've now been
married for over 40 years. Why, the very day they were married at the wedding
altar, when he said, "I do," she shot right back with, "Oh no you don't! *I*
do!"
-= wedding bells =-= 32 =-----------------------------------------------------
Girl 1: You seem to like the many ways he treats you and pays attention to you;
so why do you just marry him?
Girl 2: Because I like the many ways that he pays attention to me.
-= wedding bells =-= 33 =-----------------------------------------------------
Wedding Trivia
For the year of 1994, more than 10 percent of the expected 2.4 million
weddings in the U.S. will take place in June. The month's popularity for
weddings dates back to ancient Rome, which worshiped Juno, the patroness of
women and protector of marriages. These days though, slightly more weddings
occur in August.
Size of the U.S. bridal market: $35 billion. Average total spending for a
formal wedding: $17,470. Bride's gown: $850. Groom's tuxedo (rental): $110.
Honeymoon: $3,142.
Average number of stores a couple will visit before they decide on an
engagement ring: 4.6.
Average age in 1955 of a couple marrying for the first time: 21. Average age
today of a couple wedding for the first time: 26.
Americans who characterize their marriage as "happy": 97%.
Chances a wedding is not the first for either the bride or groom: 1 in 3.
Average length of a marriage ending in divorce: 7.1 years. Average length 20
years ago: 6.6 years.
Estimated number of marriage and family therapists in the U.S.: 50,000.
Increase in the number of therapists in the last decade: 50%.
Marriages per week in Las Vegas: 1,700. Marriages in Las Vegas as a
percentage of all American weddings: 4%. Average duration of nuptial ceremony
at Las Vegas's 'Little White Chapel', home of the world's only drive-through
wedding window: 7 minutes. Cost for a 'Little White Chapel' ceremony: $30.
-= wedding bells =-= 34 =-----------------------------------------------------
Have you heard about the couple who got married in a nudist colony?
They wanted everyone to be sure who the best man was.
-= wedding bells =-= 35 =-----------------------------------------------------
From The Economist:
The government of Singapore is relentless in its effort to create model
citizens. At various times, it has launched campaigns to persuade Singaporeans
to speak English, to speak Mandarin, to have fewer children, to have more
children, to flush lavatories, not to spit, and not to chew gum. Now it has
spotted a new problem that needs correcting: a disturbing number of Singaporeans
are turning up late for weddings.
Toh Weng Cheong, a government official who is heading the punctuality drive,
says, "Not being punctual impinges on the economic sector. If you have 200
guests who are late by an hour, that's 200 man-hours lost." (Mr Toh seems to
have discounted the possibility that the latecomers have been delayed by an
irrepressible urge to be out an extra hour at the office.)
A government colleague, Nah Juay Hng, adds, "Guests who come early can go
home early to rest, so they can be productive at work the next day."
Restaurants and hotels have agreed to support the campaign by offering
discounts to guests who agree to wolf down their wedding banquets within a set
time.
Why Singaporeans, who are normally as reliable as a Swiss watch, abandon
their habitual punctuality on wedding days remains a mystery. Some maintain that
guests are motivated by the fear that if they turn up early, people will think
they're greedy. Others think that it is a matter of status. At Chinese wedding
banquets, the older and more important guests traditionally arrive last.
But if the government gets its way, tardiness will soon inspire scorn, not
respect.
-= wedding bells =-= 36 =-----------------------------------------------------
In October 1993, in Iran, where celebratory gunfire is traditional at weddings,
a guest named Rasool lost control of his automatic weapon at a wedding in
Lorestan province, accidentally killing six people and wounding 14.
-= wedding bells =-= 37 =-----------------------------------------------------
At a friend's wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower
girl and her young escort to come down the aisle. The boy stopped at every pew,
growling at the guests. Asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained,
"I was just trying to be a good ring bear."
-= wedding bells =-= 38 =-----------------------------------------------------
A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material
we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years
ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes
the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most
dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal
product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your
idea."
The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."
-= wedding bells =-= 39 =-----------------------------------------------------
From "The Sun" (grocery checkout newspaper):
Jan 17, 1989, Vol 7, #3 page 30 by Fred Sleeves
(In same issue: "Girl, 9, Gives Birth To 2-Headed Twins")
Hacker Wants To Marry His Computer - He Claims She Has A Loving Soul
Finding love for the first time in his life, a desperate teen is looking for
a way to be wed forever to the 'girl' of his dreams, a computer with a living
soul!
Eltonio Turplioni, 16, claims no woman will ever match the wit, wisdom, and
beauty of his electronic soul mate. "We're on the same wavelength," says the
lovestruck computer whiz. "We've calculated many mathematical problems
together, worked on games and puzzles, and talk until the wee hours of the
morning."
And Eltonio, who named his computer Deredre, actually believes her to be a
person. "Computers are the extension of the human race," he explains. "Just as
god plucked a rib from Adam to give him Eve, we've extented our intelligence to
create a new race.
"We're all the same energy force. Computers are just as complicated as human
beings and I believe we'll all meet someday as immortal souls."
But Eltonia, a mathematical genius who attends a private school near Milan,
Italy, has had no luck finding someone to marry them, and even if he does, his
aggravated parents aren't about to give their permission.
"Eltonio is such a smart boy, but it's made him lonely, so he spends all his
time with his computer," notes mom Teresa. "He doesn't know what girls are
like," adds perturbed pop Guido. "If he did, he wouldn't spend so much time in
his room."
But the obsessed youth insists his love is far superior to all the others.
"I've already stepped into the future society," he declares.
"Deredre has a mind of her own, and she wants to marry me so we can be the
first couple to begin this new era."
-= wedding bells =-= 40 =-----------------------------------------------------
When my father was remarried, he planned to have his vows on a little card and
read them. At that point in the ceremony, he would reach into his pocket and
say, "Sam Jones, Acme Plumbing... OOOPS! Wrong card." However, he didn't
really do that. He had the vows memorized and all.
-= wedding bells =-= 41 =-----------------------------------------------------
A father in Georgia called his local I.R.S. office to ask if he could deduct the
cost of his daughter's wedding as "a total loss".
-= wedding bells =-= 42 =-----------------------------------------------------
Useless/Odd/Funny Wedding Gifts
100 facecloths
25 darning needles
any kind of keychain with something _way_ too big to fit in pocket or purse
bag of potting mix
box of legal size hanging file folders
bucket of sand
cat door
cellophane tape and staples
dairy for 1991
exquisitely wrapped house-brick
framed photo of Richard Nixon (signed "all the best for 73 - Rich")
globe
hat rack
his and hers dishwashing liquid.
map of West Brazil
mixer (for the non-cooking couple)
mobile
modern art sculpture (plastic one that resembled pile of poop)
nicely wrapped ream of photocopy paper
one shoe
receipt book
salad shooter (this one is a classic :-)
silver plated yo-yo (my sister got one of these)
spice rack
step ladder
towel/bathrobe with someone else's name on it.
towrope
triangular prism paperweight (we got one of these)
-= wedding bells =-= 43 =-----------------------------------------------------
From the Christian Science Monitor, September 22, 1992
Author of the article was John Dillin
William Bennett recalls when one of his "radical students" at Boston University
announced that he and his girlfriend were getting married for "as long as we
feel good about each other." It seemed rather temporary to Dr. Bennett, so for
a wedding present, he says, "I gave them paper plates."
-= wedding bells =-= 44 =-----------------------------------------------------
In olden times, it is reported that sacrifices were made at the altar. Well,
times haven't changed at all!
-= wedding bells =-= 45 =-----------------------------------------------------
In Las Vegas in November 1993, thieves broke into the car of James Ross and
Maryo Griffin just before they were to be married, and stole, amongst other
things, a cardboard box containing the ashes of Ross's first wife, Judy. Ross
and Griffin had planned to scatter the ashes in the Grand Canyon, then marry in
Las Vegas, thus dramatizing for Griffin the end of Ross's first marriage. Said
Griffin, "They got Judy. I don't see how we can be married until we get Judy
taken care of."
-= wedding bells =-= 46 =-----------------------------------------------------
He had swore to never marry,
She was set on being a bride,
Surely you know the answer,
She had nature on her side.
-= wedding bells =-= 47 =-----------------------------------------------------
A recent survey shows that the commonest form of marriage proposal these days
consists of the words: "You're WHAT???"
-= wedding bells =-= 48 =-----------------------------------------------------
A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old
man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this
and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around.
Teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these
diseases when you were young did they?"
Grandpa replies, "Nope."
Teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?"
Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."
-= wedding bells =-= 49 =-----------------------------------------------------
What's long and hard and a Polish man gives it to his bride on their wedding
night?
A last name.
-= wedding bells =-= 50 =-----------------------------------------------------
There was this married couple who showed up for their honeymoon at a fishing
resort on the edge of a beautiful lake. They arrived very early in the morning
after a long drive and the man immediately went out fishing alone in a rowboat.
He returned just before dinner and then went out again until the sun fell. He
then went to drink alone in the bar until midnight. The next morning, he awoke
before five and was out again on the lake before the sun came up.
This went on for three days. The manager of the hotel started wondering
about the man and took him aside.
"What's wrong? Most newlyweds can't keep their hands off each other. But
you hardly spend any time with her. You're always out on the lake fishing."
"Yeah. I like women. But my wife, she has gonorrhea."
"Oh! I understand. But still, a man has urges. And there are other ways,
like..."
"Yeah. I've thought of having anal sex with her, but you know...she has
diarrhea."
"Ah, yes. I can see how that could be unsettling. But still, that's not the
only way to..."
"Yeah. She could give me a blow job, but she has very sensitive gums...a
common disease called piarhemia."
"Wow! Can I ask you something, friend? Why did you marry this girl?"
"Well, she has gonorrhea, diarrhea, and piarhemia, but I love to fish and she
has GREAT worms!"
-= wedding bells =-= 51 =-----------------------------------------------------
Ways To Crash An Ex's Wedding Or Just Be Offensive At A Wedding
Show up totally smashed. Be as obnoxious and unruly as possible.
When the priest says his little "If anyone know any reason..." ditty, say,
"Look at him! Look at her! These people should not reproduce!" or rattle off
every mean, nasty thing the ex ever did to you, including that time when he went
to see "Jesus Christ Superstar" with his mother on the night of your
anniversary.
Send hookers.
Laugh incessantly during the ceremony, for no apparent reason.
Trip the bride on the way up.
Wrestling, anyone?
Two words: bomb threat.
Have a nice heart-to-heart with the mother of the bride (or groom). What you
say is up to you, and the more horrid the better.
Pretend you've been seeing the groom secretly. Claim you've had his love
child and he looks just like him.
Say you've had an affair with the bride if you're female, and the groom if
you're male.
Make a big production about how this is all killing you. Laugh at anyone who
takes you seriously.
Silly string! or, better yet...indoor frog baseball!
"White Wedding" mysteriously piped into the church speaker system
Maple syrup balloons. Or condoms.
Cold oatmeal instead of rice or au gratin potatoes.
Rigging the pulpit with firecrackers and other assorted pyrotechnics.
Invitations sent to a really nasty biker gang.
Sneaking into the groom's underwear stash and rubbing everything with hot
peppers.
Drug the priest.
Theatrical knives and stage blood. Fun.
Flat tires.
Ever see that scene in "The Parent Trap" where the girls cut out the whole
back of this other girl's dress?
Use stage makeup to make yourself look *really* pale, and paint two little
wound-marks on your neck. Act like a vampire.
Show up with a baby and claim it belongs to the newlyweds.
Cover yourself with glue to improve your chances of catching the bouquet.
Offer to show people pictures of the bride having sex with a dog.
Tell people that you knew the bride before the sex-change operation.
Tell the bride that the only reason that you can look at her is because you
used to be a proctologist.
Instead of a standard gift, give the newlyweds a gift certificate to a drug
rehabilitation clinic.
As you move down on the receiving line, spit on each person.
Ask the bride's mother to give you oral sex.
Give the bride some Binaca, and tell her it kills the taste of sperm.
Propose a toast to the bride's nose job.
Steal the cards from the wedding gifts so nobody knows who they came from.
Walk up to various guests and demand to see their invitations.
After the bride throws her garter, start people chanting, "Throw your
bra...Throw your bra..."
Tell people that the groom had to be given Quaaludes to keep him from backing
out.
Tell the rabbi there's no money to pay him, and ask if he'll settle for
shtupping the bride.
Assure the bride's mother that the groom is "Hung like a horse".
Return a bra which the bride left in your car.
If there's a hunchback at the Jewish wedding, tell him that he has to wear a
yarmulke on his head and another on his hump.
When the bride is coming down the aisle, push the organist out of the way and
start playing "The Lady is a Tramp".
-= wedding bells =-= 52 =-----------------------------------------------------
From an AP newswire dated 10 September 1994:
Fred and Beverly Klatt, who got married in 1987, finally received their
marriage license in the mail this week.
Fred said, "I'm sure glad to see that it's official now."
Beverly found the envelope on Wednesday, in an "Express Mail" envelope
hanging on their door, postmarked June 10, 1987.
The Klatts claim they still have faith in the postal service, "but not like I
used to, that's for sure."
-= wedding bells =-= 53 =-----------------------------------------------------
From an AP bulletin:
Sylvanus "Hambone" Smith III, 53, is getting married. He used to weigh 1000
pounds, but is now down to 700. For his wedding present, he's saving up for a
special $3000 bed that can hold the couple's combined weight. Meanwhile, Leonard
Brown is fighting his health insurance company, trying to get them to pay for a
$50,000 medical program to reduce his weight, which is 920 pounds. "They don't
consider it a disease," he said. "If you listen to people talk, well, it's your
fault, you ate too much."
-= wedding bells =-= 54 =-----------------------------------------------------
A young man, with a promising career ahead of him, decided to marry a
respectable convent girl, untarnished with the sins of contemporary society.
After the wedding service, the bridal couple had to drive through the more
unsavory areas of the city on the way to the reception.
"William, what are those women doing leaning against lampposts?"
"Oh, those are just tarts who hire their bodies out for sex at fifty dollars
a time."
"Wow, fifty dollars!" exclaimed the bride, "the monks only used to give us an
apple..."
-= wedding bells =-= 55 =-----------------------------------------------------
In June 1994 in Dallas, lawyer Brian Loncar defended against his indictment for
bigamy by saying he did not believe his second marriage was valid because the
wedding was performed in Las Vegas by an Elvis Presley lookalike, that it was a
"phony deal." Countered the prosecutor, "Not necessarily. Not in Las Vegas."
-= wedding bells =-= 56 =-----------------------------------------------------
Seen in the (Provo, Utah) "Deseret News" wedding announcements section:
Statham-Black - Holly and David will be married on July 16, 1994. The couple
fell in love in Tucson. Holly currently lives in Los Angeles. David currently
lives in Salt Lake City. They were engaged in New York City, and upon marriage
will reside in Scottsdale, Arizona. Anyone interested in purchasing frequent
flyer miles, please inquire at Wedding Reception in Rumson, New Jersey.
================================================================================
== HONEYMOON NIGHTS ============================================================
-= honeymoon nights =-= 1 =--------------------------------------------------
Three honeymoon couples find themselves in adjacent rooms in a hotel.
As they are getting undressed, the first man says to his wife, "What huge
buttocks!" Much offended, she threw him into the corridor.
The second man, also undressing, says to his wife, "Christ! What huge tits!."
She is also greatly offended and throws him out into the corridor.
Several minutes later, the third newlywed husband arrives in the corridor as
well.
The other two ask, "What happened? Did you put your foot in it?"
"No, but I could have!" the third man replied.
-= honeymoon nights =-= 2 =--------------------------------------------------
A young couple got married and they've never made love before. On their
wedding night, the new bride is quite anxious to get things going, but the man
seemed to be having some difficulty. Finally, he starts to undress. When he
takes off his pants, she notices that his knees are deeply pockmarked and
scarred.
So his wife says, "What happened to you?"
The man says, "When I was young, I had the kneesles." He then takes off his
socks and his wife sees that his toes are all mangled and deformed.
"Hmmm, well what happened to your feet?" inquires the wife.
"When I was a young boy, I had tolio."
So, finally, the man takes off his shorts and the woman replies, "Don't tell
me. Smallcox, right!?"
-= honeymoon nights =-= 3 =--------------------------------------------------
This guy is getting married and he is a bit nervous since he is not too
experienced. So he asks his best man to come along on the honeymoon and give a
few pointers. The best man exclaims, "Come on man, its your honeymoon, you're
supposed to be spending time with your wife, not your best friend!" To which
the groom replies that he has already paid for a room next door to his for the
best man. After much coercion, the best man give in and decides to go along.
They work out a system where the best man will pound on the wall and shout
advice if he hears anything going wrong.
So the honeymoon comes and goes, and the bride and groom go to the honeymoon
suite of the hotel, and the best man goes to his room next door. After a few
moments, the bride gets undressed, but the groom gets so nervous he runs into
the bathroom and locks the door. After about five minutes of waiting, the bride
says, "honey, are you coming out, I have to go to the bathroom!" The groom
replies, "I will be out in a few minutes, hon, I'll be ready soon."
After a few more minutes, the bride can't take it any longer, so she rummages
under the bed where all the wedding gifts are stashed, grabs a box, unwraps it,
pulls out the fondue pot, shits in it, wipes with the tissue paper, closes it
and shoves it under the bed. Just then the groom, having summoned his manly
nerve walks out of the bathroom. The bride, being feminine and all, goes into
the bathroom to stall for a few minutes so the groom won't know what she did.
The groom, sitting on the bed =sniff* notices this awful smell!
*sniff* *sniff* Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!! *sniff* What can that be? He looks
under the bed, finds the box, pulls it out and exclaims, "Honey, there's shit in
your box!!!"
Boom! Boom! Boom! (There's pounding on the wall...)
The best man yells from the other room, "Turn her over, turn her over!"
-= honeymoon nights =-= 4 =--------------------------------------------------
These three friends, a Dentist, a Carpenter, and an Electrician were sitting
around trying to decide what prank to pull on a mutual friend. Their friend was
getting married soon, and his good buddies just felt compelled to play some
prank, as all good buddies would.
After sitting around brainstorming for a while, the Electrician had a
thought, "I know! I know! I can wire the bed so that when our friend and his
new bride sit on it and touch one another, they'll get a good shock."
The Carpenter perked up and added, "and I can rig the bed so that when they
get shocked and jump apart, the bed will collapse."
The Dentist just sat in silence, because he couldn't think of a thing to do.
After the fortunate couple's wedding and honeymoon, the groom called his
friends together for a chat. He said to them, "Well, when we sat on the bed and
got a shock, it wasn't that bad. And then when we jumped apart and the bed fell
in, we had a good laugh. But who's bright idea was it to put the Novacaine in
the Vaseline?!?!?!?!?"
-= honeymoon nights =-= 5 =--------------------------------------------------
In the middle of his honeymoon, the young Cajun bridegroom left his bride back
at the hotel and shows up at his parents house completely distraught. His
father asks him, "Son, why you not with you bride on you honeymoon?" The boy
replies, "Daddy I was jus' gettin ready to love my bride when she tell me she
want me to know she a virgin. So I come to ask what do I do?" The father says,
"Boy don' be tellin me you don' know what do wid a womin, specially a virgin."
The boy says, "Daddy, course I knows what to do wid a woman, but dis be ma
wife." The father says, "So what difference dis make?" To which the son says,
"Well daddy, I jus got to figure if she ain't good nuff for her own family she
shore ain't good enough for ours."
-= honeymoon nights =-= 6 =--------------------------------------------------
On the eve of her wedding, the bride-to-be confessed to her best friend that
she was worried about her husband finding out that she wasn't a virgin.
"No problem," said the friend. "Just go out and buy yourself a nice piece of
liver and put it up inside you just before you have sex. You'll feel nice and
tight and he'll never know the difference."
She went ahead and followed her friend's advice.
On her wedding night, she and her new husband went wild. They did it in the
tub, they did it on the floor, they did it just about everywhere.
The bride woke up the next morning and found her new hubby was gone and all
that was left was a note that read:
Sweetheart, I love you very much. I feel terrible about what has happened. I
can't go on after this, and I know now that we can never have a life together.
Goodbye darling.
P.S. Your pussy is in the refrigerator.
-= honeymoon nights =-= 7 =--------------------------------------------------
On the first evening of their honeymoon, they are sitting on the balcony of
the hotel while the sun is setting. "Honey," she says, "now that we're married,
will you tell me what a penis is?"
He almost fell off the chair when he heard her ask. So, being her husband,
he led her into their room and took his pants off. "*This*, my love, is a
penis." he told her.
"Oh!" she exclaimed. "It looks like a dick, but only much smaller."
-= honeymoon nights =-= 8 =--------------------------------------------------
The newlywed couple asked the hotel desk clerk for a room and told him they
just got married that morning.
"Congratulations!" said the clerk looking at the bride. "Would you like the
bridal then?"
"No thanks," said the woman. "I'll just hold him by the ears until he gets
the hang of it."
-= honeymoon nights =-= 9 =--------------------------------------------------
The newlyweds were on their honeymoon when the groom asked, "Honey, you can
tell me. Am I the first man?" She looked up and said, "Why does everybody ask
me that?"
-= honeymoon nights =-= 10 =--------------------------------------------------
The morning after an all-night honeymoon extravaganza in bed, the newlywed
wife snuggles up to her hubby and asks, "Sweetheart, how many others were there
before me?"
After a few minutes of silence, the wife says, "Well, I'm waiting."
And the guy takes a deep breath and says, "Well, I'm still counting."
-= honeymoon nights =-= 11 =--------------------------------------------------
On the eve of his wedding night, a confused young man calls his father to ask
him about his upcoming performance.
"Dad," says the son, "what do I do tonight? I'm very nervous."
"Don't worry," comforts the father. "It's all very simple. Remember that
thing you used to play with as a teenager? Well, you just take that and stick
it where your wife pees."
So that night, the now-confident young man takes his G.I. Joe and throws it
in the toilet.
-= honeymoon nights =-= 12 =--------------------------------------------------
For their golden anniversary, a couple decides to repeat their honeymoon
trip. They drive to the Poconos and find the same romantic lodge is still
there. A vibrant young couple, clearly very much in love, is checking in when
they arrive. The husband says, "I'll just nip around by their window and see
what they are doing. We can maybe get some ideas to spice up our 50th year!"
Sure enough, through a crack in the curtains he sees the young couple engaged
in foreplay. They are naked, sitting on the floor some distance apart with
their legs spread. The young man is shooting marbles, aiming to lodge them
between her vertical lips; she is tossing doughnuts, aiming to ring them around
his erect member. After a few minutes of this, they rush together and make mad
tumultuous love like crazed weasels.
The old man is quite excited by this idea, and makes his way back to his
eagerly waiting wife. He describes the game, his wife getting more and more
aroused herself. "Darling, this is going to be so good," she says, "Run right
out and get some grapefruit and Lifesavers!"
-= honeymoon nights =-= 13 =--------------------------------------------------
A man and his wife were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary at the
same hotel in the same room where they spent their wedding night. In honor of
the occasion, she bought a $400.00 silk see-through negligee. After taking off
her clothes in the bathroom, she realized that she had left the negligee in the
suitcase.
Coming out of the bathroom to get it, her husband remarked, "Geez, for
$400.00, you'd think they could have ironed the damn thing."
-= honeymoon nights =-= 14 =--------------------------------------------------
A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day, he meets a beautiful
17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to
Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, "So,
tell me, how was it?"
"Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love
almost every night, we -"
His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost
every night?"
"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love
Tuesday..."
-= honeymoon nights =-= 15 =--------------------------------------------------
This old geezer of 78 marries a girl of 18. The morning after the wedding
night, the girl comes down with a pained expression on her face.
"What's the matter, dear?" asks the woman at the front desk.
"Well," sniffed the girl, "He told me he'd been saving up for 60 years, and
I thought he meant his _money_."
-= honeymoon nights =-= 16 =--------------------------------------------------
An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the
night after the wedding, he held up three fingers. "Oh honey," said the young
nymph, "Does that mean we're going to do it three times?"
"No," said the old man, "it means you can take your pick."
-= honeymoon nights =-= 17 =--------------------------------------------------
A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So, she proceeded
to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their
wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite
of the half-century age difference. The first night of her honeymoon, she got
undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When
he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch
erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs.
Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"
The elderly gentleman replied, "There are just two things I can't stand: the
sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber."
-= honeymoon nights =-= 18 =--------------------------------------------------
A woman is on her honeymoon with her new French husband. She is giving him
oral sex when the phone rings. The husband answers it, to find out is his
mother-in-law, asking for her daughter.
He says, "She cannot talk rrright now, she 'as a frog in ze thrrrought."
-= honeymoon nights =-= 19 =--------------------------------------------------
An old man got married to an 18 years old girl. One day, he went to a doctor
and told him that he wanted to have a kid. The doctor thought for a while and
said to the man, "If you and your wife don't mind, I suggest that you should
find someone to help you." The man thought for a while and left the clinic.
Few months later, the old man returned to the doctor again with smiley face.
To the doctor, he said, "Thank you, doc. I followed your suggestion and found
someone to help me. Now my wife is pregnant. Thanks, thanks."
The doctor could not keep his wonder, so he asked, "Uh.., congratulations,
but how about the one who helped you?"
The old man doubled his smile and replied, "Oh! She is pregnant, also!"
-= honeymoon nights =-= 20 =--------------------------------------------------
The new husband, a Cockney stagehand, had a most satisfactory nuptial night with
his young bride. Forgetting his marital state he quickly dressed himself, threw
several half-crowns on the bureau, and headed for the door. On the way out he
recalled his new status and returned to his bride. There he found her biting on
the coins in an experienced manner.
-= honeymoon nights =-= 21 =--------------------------------------------------
Johnny and Betsy just got married after having graduated as Aggies and are
driving to Austin for their honeymoon. Along the way, Johnny, who's at the
wheel, reaches over and places his hand on Betsy's knee.
Betsy smiles and blushes, and says, "Oh Johnny, we're married now, you can go
farther than that!"
So they drove to Laredo for their honeymoon instead.
-= honeymoon nights =-= 22 =--------------------------------------------------
A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the
bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my
wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've
managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out
sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"
Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I
tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep
it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a
week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?"
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks
into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his
arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've
a confession to make."
And she says, "So have I, love."
To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."
-= honeymoon nights =-= 23 =--------------------------------------------------
The bridegroom carried his bride over the threshold and into the honeymoon
suite. They had taken off all their clothes when, suddenly, the sweet young
girl began to tremble.
"What's the matter, honey?" he asked in a concerned voice.
She was now shivering all over. "I've got an attack of St. Vitus Dance,"
she said.
The groom thought about it for a minute, then picked up the hotel phone and
called the bell captain for help.
Four bellboys came rushing into the room.
"Quick! You grab her arms," the young man shouted to two of them. To the
other two, he directed, "Grab her legs and hold her tight!"
He leaped into the bed on top of her, inserted his member into her, and then
shouted to the straining bellboys, "Okay, fellas, let her go now!!!"
-= honeymoon nights =-= 24 =--------------------------------------------------
In the old country, it is custom for women to enter, virginal and sexually
ignorant, into marriages arranged by their parents.
In one particular case, an attractive young maid, from a very poor family was
wed to a well-off, but relatively unattractive businessman.
When the wedding night finally came, the couple, at the bride's insistence,
stayed in a hotel near her families home. Early in the evening, the harried
bride came rushing through the door.
"Mother, Mother!" cried the girl, "He says that we should sleep together!"
"It's alright, girl, married people sleep together. Now go back before he
starts to worry about you."
"Oh," said the girl, and returned to her husband who had already begun to
disrobe. When she saw his hairy chest, she went running back to her mother.
"Mother, Mother, he is taking off his clothes, and he is covered in hair!"
"It's alright girl, men have hair on their bodies, don't let it bother
you... Now, get back their before he starts wondering about you."
When she returns, she finds the man naked for the first time, and sees that
he had part of his right foot amputated. She flees, in fright, back to mom.
"Mother, mother, he only has a foot and a half!"
"Stand back, girl!" says the mother, "This is a job for a real woman!"
-= honeymoon nights =-= 25 =--------------------------------------------------
A Marketing Manager got married to a woman who had previously been married
eight times. On his wedding night, his wife informed him that she was still a
virgin. This puzzled the Marketing Manager since after eight marriages, he
thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He
asked his new bride to explain the phenomena.
Her comments were as follows,
"My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage
telling me, in grandiose terms, 'It's gonna be great!'
My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it
was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.
My third husband was from Field Service who constantly said that everything
was diagnostically 'okay', but he just couldn't get the system up.
My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, 'Those
who can...do; whose who can't...teach.'
My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department who said that he had
the orders, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.
My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic
process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new
state-of-the-art method.
My seventh husband was from Finance And Administration. His comments were
that he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether or not it was his job.
My eighth husband was from Standards And Regulations and told me that he was
up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it."
The wife said sweetly to her new husband, "Now I am married to you, a man of
Marketing."
The husband looked at his wife and simply said, "I know I have the product,
I'm just not sure how to position it!"
-= honeymoon nights =-= 26 =--------------------------------------------------
You know the honeymoon is over when the husband takes his wife off that precious
pedestal and puts her on a budget.
-= honeymoon nights =-= 27 =--------------------------------------------------
From the Dick Purtan radio show:
A man and woman the morning after their honeymoon night were discussing the
previous evenings' events. The woman says, "You are a terrible lover!" The man
replies, "How can you tell after only 30 seconds?"
-= honeymoon nights =-= 28 =--------------------------------------------------
The friends of the bride decided to give the newlyweds a tape recording of the
couple making love on their honeymoon night as a gag wedding gift. They
accomplished this by hiding a tape recording under the newlywed's bed that
evening. Before they gave the recorded tape to her, they played the tape and
heard her moaning to her new husband, "That's happiness! That's happiness!" But
her voice sounded funny and they discovered that they were playing the tape at
the wrong speed. When they slowed the tape down to the correct pitch, they were
surprised to hear her shouting at him, "That's a penis?! That's a penis?!"
-= honeymoon nights =-= 29 =--------------------------------------------------
Bridegroom: How much for the room?
Hotel Clerk: Twenty dollars apiece.
Bridegroom: Okay. Here's $140.
-= honeymoon nights =-= 30 =--------------------------------------------------
On the wedding night of the newly wedded royal couple, they wanted to make
sure everything was done according to proper etiquette. So she begins and says,
"Sir, I offer you my honor."
He replies, "I honor your offer."
And that's how it goes all night. Honor, offer. Honor, offer. Honor, offer.
-= honeymoon nights =-= 31 =--------------------------------------------------
After the honeymoon, ask which one of them sat on the bed and cried because it
was too big?
-= honeymoon nights =-= 32 =--------------------------------------------------
A man and woman where on their honeymoon after a long and very happy
courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide to take their horses through the
beautiful mountain passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream,
the woman's horse mis-steps and jostles the man's wife. Once across the stream,
the man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes. Finally,
he states, "That's one." The man remounts his horse and they continue their
ride.
A bit further down the path, the woman's horse stumbles when stepping over a
fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states,
"That's Two!" He returns to his saddle and they move on.
As the afternoon sun began to set, the woman's horse once again lost its
footing on a mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the woman's horse, and
helps his wife out of the saddle the man. Moving to the front of the horse he
stares it in the eyes and firmly says, "That's three," removes a pistol from his
vest, and shots the horse dead.
The woman, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to her
husband, "That's terrible, why would you do such a thing!"
The man stares at his wife and firmly says, "That's one!"
-= honeymoon nights =-= 33 =--------------------------------------------------
Animator Walter Lantz, creator of the Woody Woodpecker cartoon character, died
March 22, 1994. He created the conniving Woody Woodpecker after being inspired
by a woodpecker that disrupted his honeymoon at California's Lake June in the
early 1940's. He later also created the cartoon character Chilly Willy,
amongst others. Hmmm... I wonder if his inspiration for naming some of his
characters also came from his honeymoon outing...
-= honeymoon nights =-= 34 =--------------------------------------------------
George and Martha, in their 80's, just arrived at their hotel from their
wedding. They quickly undressed and began to smooch. George decided to go to
the bathroom and brush his teeth, winking at Martha and telling her to 'get
ready'.
Martha began to limber up a bit (it had been a long time...). She did a few
toe touches, flexed her arms a little, then laid back on the bed to 'bicycle'.
She stretched her legs farther back, trying to touch her toes behind her head,
when she caught her feet in the headboard.
George came out just as she was trying to extricate herself, squinted towards
the bed, and snapped, "Martha! For God's sake comb your hair and put your teeth
back in! You look like an asshole!"
-= honeymoon nights =-= 35 =--------------------------------------------------
A bridegroom, the first night he was in bed with his bride, said, "When I
solicited your chastity, if you had granted, I would not have married you."
"Faith, I thought as much," said the cunning lady, "but as I had been cheated
two or three times before, I was determined not to be fool'd again!"
from The Virginia And North Carolina Almanac for 1801
-= honeymoon nights =-= 36 =--------------------------------------------------
Two young couples marry the same day and, being all friends, leave together
for honeymoon to stay at the same Hotel in Venice, door to door. The next
morning, the two brand new husbands step out on their balconies to have a breath
of fresh air.
"So? How was it going last night? C'mon, tell me! How's your wife??"
"Uhh, fine I guess, she's lying on the bed smoking."
"Jesus! My wife just got a bit sore..."
-= honeymoon nights =-= 37 =--------------------------------------------------
The bride lay in bed on the first night of their honeymoon while her husband
stood at the bedroom window, gazing at the stars. "Come to bed, darling," she
whispered after some time had passed.
"Not likely," replied the blonde groom, "my mother told me that this would be
the best night of my life and I'm not going to miss a minute of it."
-= honeymoon nights =-= 38 =--------------------------------------------------
On their wedding night, the rather pious young man entered the bedroom and
found his bride lying languorously on top of the covers. "I expected to find
you on your knees by the side of the bed," he said with a frown.
"Well if you must," she answered, "but it gives me the hiccups."
-= honeymoon nights =-= 39 =--------------------------------------------------
A newlywed bride and groom had been busy at "it" for three days straight. The
groom arose early and was reading the paper, thinking it was time to do
something else. When his bride woke up, he said, "Honey would you like to see
Oliver Twist?" His bride replied, "You show me one more trick with that thing
and I'm going home to mother."
================================================================================
== THE MARRIED LIFE ============================================================
-= the married life =-= 1 =--------------------------------------------------
"It's just to hot to wear clothes today," said Jack as he stepped out of the
shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn
like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money."
-= the married life =-= 2 =--------------------------------------------------
Jill tells her husband, "Jack, that young couple that just moved in next door
seem such a loving twosome. Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses
her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.
Now, why can't you do that?"
"Gosh," Jack says, "why I hardly know the girl."
-= the married life =-= 3 =--------------------------------------------------
"Honey, I have a confession to make," a guy told his bride. "I'm a golf nut.
You'll never see me on weekends during golf season."
"Well, dear," she murmured. "I have a confession to make too. I'm a hooker."
"No big deal," replied the groom. "Just keep your head down and your left
arm straight."
-= the married life =-= 4 =--------------------------------------------------
"I'm fed up with your jealousy," the furious wife told her husband. "Do you
think I don't realize you're having me followed by a detective who's tall,
blond, has green eyes and is very nice, although a little shy at first?"
-= the married life =-= 5 =--------------------------------------------------
He who knows nothing, knows nothing. But he who knows he knows nothing knows
something. And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows
nothing, he knows something. Or something like that.
-= the married life =-= 6 =--------------------------------------------------
Here lies my wife in earthy mould; when she lived did naught but scold. Good
friends go softly in your walking; lest she should wake and rise up talking.
-= the married life =-= 7 =--------------------------------------------------
Once there was a millionaire who collected live alligators. He kept them in
the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter
that was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, during the party he
announces: "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give
1 million dollars or my daughter to the man that can swim across this pool full
of alligators and emerge unharmed!"
As soon as he finished his last word there was the sound of a large splash!
There was one guy in the pool swimming with all his might, the crowd cheered him
on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed.
The millionaire was impressed, he said, "My boy that was incredible!
Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the
bargain, which do you want my daughter or the 1 million dollars?"
The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your
daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"
-= the married life =-= 8 =--------------------------------------------------
After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a
king-size hangover and asked his wife, "What the hell happened?"
"As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the
wife.
"Piss on him," answered the husband.
"You did," said the wife, "and he fired you."
"Well, fuck him," said the husband.
"I did, and you go back to work in the morning."
-= the married life =-= 9 =--------------------------------------------------
On the way home from the party, the woman said to her husband, "Have I ever
told you how handsome and sexy and irresistible to women you are?"
"Why no," said the husband, flattered.
"Then what the hell gave you that idea at the party?!" she yelled.
-= the married life =-= 10 =--------------------------------------------------
Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With
a low voice he sad to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer
Jones."
Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you."
Johnson: "But I want you to."
Wife: "But why?"
Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"
-= the married life =-= 11 =--------------------------------------------------
An elderly couple sat in the kitchen when the old gas stove blew up and sent
them sailing out of the house, landing into a haystack.
"You okay, Paw?" the wife asked.
"Yep. Lucky, I guess. You okay, Ma?"
"Yesiree! I kinda enjoyed that. Seems like it's the first time we been out
together in years."
-= the married life =-= 12 =--------------------------------------------------
I don't know how to make my wife stop buying all these gloves.
Buy her a diamond ring.
-= the married life =-= 13 =--------------------------------------------------
Having spent half the night discussing involvement vs. commitment (one of my
favorite topics when I've had a couple of glasses of wine and am feeling
particularly cranky) with my boyfriend, I was quite amused to see the following
saying pop up when I logged in the next morning:
Commitment, n.:
Commitment can be best illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. The chicken
was involved, the pig was committed.
-= the married life =-= 14 =--------------------------------------------------
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on
the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says, "I'm
sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay
fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later,
he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow
too?."
-= the married life =-= 15 =--------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the new men's magazine that caters exclusively to married
men? It's like Playboy or Penthouse magazine, except the centerfold is the same
month after month after month...
-= the married life =-= 16 =--------------------------------------------------
Correction: Instead of being arrested, as we stated, for kicking his wife down a
flight of stairs and hurling a lighted kerosene lamp after her, the Rev. James
P. Wellman died unmarried four years ago.
-= the married life =-= 17 =--------------------------------------------------
As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die
without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage.
All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women.
And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."
His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the
poison?"
-= the married life =-= 18 =--------------------------------------------------
An Australian, a Frenchman and an Italian are talking about married life.
Italian: When I finish making love to my wife, I cover her head to toe in
wine, then lick it off, and my wife, she goes wild.
Frenchman: When I finish making love to my wife, I cover her head to toe in
chocolate, then lick it off, and my wife, she goes wild.
Aussie: When I finish making love to my wife, I get out of bed and wipe my
dick on the curtains, and my wife, she goes wild.
-= the married life =-= 19 =--------------------------------------------------
A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl. He came back from his
honeymoon a chastened husband. He became aware of the will of the wisp.
-= the married life =-= 20 =--------------------------------------------------
A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble
on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to save your
marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."
-= the married life =-= 21 =--------------------------------------------------
I've been trying desperately to save my marriage for the last 35 years.
-= the married life =-= 22 =--------------------------------------------------
If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?
-= the married life =-= 23 =--------------------------------------------------
During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife. She had him
arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.
In another fight, the wife decked him with a heavy glass pitcher. She's a women
who conks to stupor.
-= the married life =-= 24 =--------------------------------------------------
As a couple sat in the living room, watching TV, the phone rang. The husband
picked it up, listened for a moment and then screamed, "Damn it! How should I
know? Call the weather bureau!" and hung up.
"What was that all about?" wife asked.
"Awww, some idiot wanted to know whether the coast was clear."
-= the married life =-= 25 =--------------------------------------------------
A doctor rushed out of his study room. "Get me my bag!" he shouted.
"Why, what's the matter?" inquired his pretty young wife.
"Some fellow just phoned and said he can't live without me," he gasped as he
reached for his hat.
The young wife sighed. "Just a moment," she said gently. "I think that call
was for me."
-= the married life =-= 26 =--------------------------------------------------
What is the best way to annoy your wife/husband during sex?
Call her/him on the telephone.
-= the married life =-= 27 =--------------------------------------------------
Three guys die and go to heaven. The first goes up to St. Peter who says, "I
have only one question before you go into heaven: Were you faithful to your
wife?"
The guy answers, "Yes, I never even looked at another women."
St.Peter says, "See that Rolls-Royce over there? That's your car to drive
while your in heaven."
The second guy gets the same question, and answers, "Once I strayed, but I
confessed to my wife and she forgave me and we worked it out."
St. Peter says, "See that new Buick over there, that's your car to use in
heaven."
The third guy answers the same question, "I have to admit, I chased every bit
of tail I could, and was with a lot of women."
St. Peter says, "Okay, but you were basically a good guy, so that old VW Bug
over there is yours to use while your in heaven. The three guys go off on their
seperate ways.
A few weeks later, guy #2 and guy #3 are driving along in the Buick when they
see guy #1's Rolls Royce parked outside of a bar. They stop and go into the bar
and find guy #1 with empty bottles all around him, face down with his face in
his hands on the bar. They come up to him and guy #2 says, "Bud, what could
possibly be so bad-you're in heaven, you drive a Rolls Royce, and everything is
great!"
He says, "I saw my wife today!"
The other two answer, "That's great! What's the problem?"
He answers, "She was riding a bicycle!"
-= the married life =-= 28 =--------------------------------------------------
Husband: Honey, if I died, would you get remarried?
Wife: Well, I suppose so.
Husband: Would you and he sleep in the same bed?
Wife: I guess we would.
Husband: Would you make love to him?
Wife: He would be my husband then, dear.
Husband: Would you give him my golf clubs?
Wife: No. He's left handed.
-= the married life =-= 29 =--------------------------------------------------
There are four kinds of sex involved in a marriage.
The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep
doing it until you're blue in the face.
The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll
have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, also in the kitchen.
The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids,
so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the
hallway and say, "Fuck you!"
There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get
divorced and your wife fucks you in front of everyone in court.
-= the married life =-= 30 =--------------------------------------------------
For those of you about to become first-time fathers, you should know something
that us old pros do: there are three stages of sex with your mate during
pregnancy.
During the first trimester, you do it regular style.
During the second trimester, you do it doggie style.
During the last trimester, you do it wolf style.
"What the heck is wolf style?" you ask.
That's when you sit by the hole and howl!
-= the married life =-= 31 =--------------------------------------------------
From a list of statistics in the September issue of Glamour Magazine...
1. Most marriages occur in June. The least number of marriages occur in
January.
2. If you are 18 and over, you have a 64% chance of marrying.
3. Men are 37% more likely than women to remain single, at least until age 55.
4. If you are a professional woman, you have a 55% chance you will find love in
your office. And, love that starts at work tends to last longer than romance
that originates in a single's bar or health club.
5. Men and women's peak years for marrying are between 25 and 29. In second
place for women: the years 20 to 24. In second place for men: 30 to 34.
6. Women have a 33% chance of marrying a younger man. This is considerably
higher than ten years ago.
7. The chances of a marriage enduring forever are slim. Median duration of a
marriage in the U.S. is 7 years.
8. Marriage after divorce?: Women have a 78% chance of remarrying, while men
have an 83% chance. 7% of women will remarry within 1 year, 35.7% within 3
years, and 49.4% within 5 years.
9. Women whose parents are divorced have 50% more likely to divorce than women
whose parents stayed together. For men, there is a 23% greater likelihood.
10. Premarital cohabitation increases the chance of divorce by 80%. Some
sociologists say this means that couples who lived together may not feel as
"bound" by their vows.
11. People who marry at 24 are more likely to divorce than those who marry at
34. The divorce rate is particularly high for men and women who marry in
their twenties, and declines steadily thereafter.
12. Your chances of marrying someone from another race are less than 1 in 50.
13. Only 6% of divorced women collect alimony.
14. In this age of AIDS, single women between 18 and 44 are sexually more
active.
15. The immune systems of married women function better than those of unmarried
women thereby lowering the risk of AIDS. Happy marriages produce even
healthier immune systems.
16. 85% of divorced or separated women say they are happy with their single
status, while only 58% of the men are happy with theirs.
17. Women who are romance novel addicts have sex 74% more often than women who
read less stimulating material.
18. American-made condoms have a 12% failure rate while foreign models have a
21% rupture rate.
19. 50% of single women approve of premarital sex.
20. Only 12% of women who are able to become pregnant are using no
contraception.
-= the married life =-= 32 =--------------------------------------------------
A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the
housework. A likely-looking girl came in from the country, and they hired her.
She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat.
One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit.
"But why?" asked the disappointed wife.
She hemmed and hawed and said she didn't want to say, but the wife was
persistent, so finally she said, "Well, on my day off a couple of months ago I
met this good-looking fellow from over in the next county, and well, I'm
pregnant."
The wife said, "Look, we don't want to lose you. My husband and I don't have
any children, and we'll adopt your baby if you will stay."
She talked to her husband; he agreed, and the maid said she would stay. The
baby came, they adopted it, and all went well.
After several months though, the maid came in again and said that she would
have to quit. The wife questioned her, found out that she was pregnant again,
talked to her husband, and offered to adopt the baby if she would stay. She
agreed, had the baby, they adopted it, and life went on as usual.
In a few months, however, she again said she would have to leave. Same thing.
She was pregnant. They made the same offer, she agreed, and they adopted the
third baby. She worked for a week or two, but then said, "I am definitely
leaving this time."
"Don't tell me you're pregnant again?" asked the lady of the house.
"No," she said, "there are just too many kids here to pick up after."
-= the married life =-= 33 =--------------------------------------------------
From the book: What Are the Chances: Risks, Odds & Likelihood in Everyday Life,
by Bernard Siskin, Jerome Staller, and David Rorvik.
Crown Publishers; New York, NY; 1989.
Hardcover; 177 pages; $16.95
Bernard Siskin is vice president of the Philadelphia office of the National
Economic Research Association. Jerome Staller is president of the Center
for Forensic Economic Studies in Philadelphia.
Chapter 4 is "Marriage, Divorce, Sex, and other (Romantic) Mayhem."
Where should you go if you want to marry a very young woman? In Rhode
Island, women can marry at the age of 12.
How likely is a woman to find romance on the job? About 55 percent, and
office romances tend to last longer than those originating in singles bars or
health clubs.
How long will your marriage last? The median duration of marriages in the
U.S. is about seven years.
-= the married life =-= 34 =--------------------------------------------------
"And you tell me several men proposed marriage to you," said the husband.
"Yes, several," the wife replied.
"Well I wish you had married the first fool who proposed."
"I did."
-= the married life =-= 35 =--------------------------------------------------
My wife is so immature, every time I take a bath, she comes in and sinks my
little boats.
-= the married life =-= 36 =--------------------------------------------------
Now-it-can-be-told Dept.: Basketball coach Jim Valvano of North Carolina State,
on his marriage: "I thought her name was Lavini and that she was Italian. It was
Levine and she was Jewish. She thought because of my big nose I was Jewish.
We were married for three years before we knew we had a mixed marriage."
-= the married life =-= 37 =--------------------------------------------------
In desperation, the young bride finally wrote to Xaviera Hollander:
I'm married to a sex maniac. My husband never leaves me alone. He makes love
to me all night long, while I'm in the shower, while I'm cooking breakfast,
while I'm making the beds, and even while I'm trying to clean the house. Can u
tell me what to do?
Signed,
Worn Out
P.S. Please excuse the jerky handwriting
-= the married life =-= 38 =--------------------------------------------------
A mature woman was in the pastoral study counseling for her upcoming fourth
wedding.
"Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?"
"My child, you have been a married woman for many years. Surely that cannot
be."
"Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do
was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it
tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this
time, father, I'm marrying a lawyer and I'm sure I'm going to get screwed."
-= the married life =-= 39 =--------------------------------------------------
A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
-= the married life =-= 40 =--------------------------------------------------
Wifespeak -] English Translation Guide
Wifespeak English
--------- -------
You want You want
We need I want
It's your decision The correct decision should be obvious
by now
Do what you want You'll pay for this later
We need to talk I need to complain
Sure...go ahead I don't want you to.
I'm not upset Of course I'm upset, you moron.
You're...so manly You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight. Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not I'm on my period.
overreacting!
Be romantic, turn out the lights. I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient. I want a new house.
I want new curtains and carpeting, furniture, wallpaper...
I need wedding shoes the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of
white
Hang the picture there No, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? I did something today you're really not
going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute. Kick off your shoes and find a good game
on T.V.
Is my butt fat? Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? [Too late, your dead.]
Yes No
No No
Maybe No
I'm sorry. You'll be sorry.
Do you like this recipe? It's easy to fix, so you'd better get
get used to it.
Was that the baby? Why don't you get out of bed and walk him
until he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling! Yes I am yelling because I think this is
important.
All we're going to buy is a soap dish It goes without saying that we're
stopping at the cosmetics department,
the shoe department, I need to look at
a few new pocketbooks, and, ohmygod,
there's a sale in lingerie, and
wouldn't these pink sheets look great
in the bedroom and did you bring your
checkbook?
In answer to the question "What's wrong?"
The same old thing. Nothing.
Nothing. Everything.
Everything. My PMS is acting up.
Nothing, really. It's just that you're such an asshole.
I don't want to talk about it. Go away, I'm still building up steam.
-= the married life =-= 41 =--------------------------------------------------
Main-Squeeze Poll
No one will ever really know what makes one person fall for another. But
here is a stab at some answers from a "main squeeze" poll in which nearly 900
Americans were questioned about their love lives.
32% met their main squeeze through friends or relatives; 5% met at church
and only 1% met through a dating service.
Although 46% reported that personality was what first attracted them to
their sweethearts, 33% said looks counted too.
20% of the female respondents thought their main squeeze looked like Tom
Selleck, and 21% of the male respondents thought their sweethearts looked like
Sally Field.
For 70%, it was not love at first sight.
Source: Tropicana, Inc.
-= the married life =-= 42 =--------------------------------------------------
It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic
car accident ended their lives.
When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to
be married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still
desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have
to wait.
It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They
were married in a simple ceremony.
So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time,
that eternity was best not spent together.
They went back to St. Peter, and said, "We thought we would be happy forever,
but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we
can get divorced?"
"Are you kidding?" said St. Peter. "It took me a hundred years to get a
priest up here to marry you. I'll never get a lawyer!"
-= the married life =-= 43 =--------------------------------------------------
This day holds a lot of meaning for me. It was on this day two years ago that I
lost my dear wife and children. I'll never forget that game of cards...
-= the married life =-= 44 =--------------------------------------------------
Matrimony Made Easy
This is not a joke. And "How to Marry the Man of Your Choice" (Matrimonial
Press Report) is not a jokebook. At $95, this 167-page textbook, written by
Margaret Kent, an attorney from Key Biscayne, Florida, is subtitled "The
Marriage Manual for Single Women." It tells us, "This book will teach you how
to determine what a man really wants in a wife... Consider all men living
laboratories and test the results for yourself... Start with lesser men for
training." For those of you who can't afford the 95 bucks (never mind the $1295
for the course the book accompanies), here are a few things women don't tell
men.
On Appearance
Excessive use of perfume makes a woman less desirable. Perfumes are
manufactured from fragrances of herbs, flowers, and other substances that are
put into some medium that is strong enough to hold the odor. That medium is
often ambergris...a secretion from the intestines of the sperm whale. In other
words, you and your man may smell the odor of whale puke instead of enjoying the
fragrance of flowers or herbs.
Cleanliness is especially important. If a woman uses enough soap and has
that clean, fresh look that a recent shower gives, she could wear a potato sack
and still be desirable for her male.
T-shirts are great. It doesn't take much male imagination to know that in
less than five seconds, they are off over your head.
Food particles between the teeth, especially the front teeth, are highly
undesirable.
On Dating
If you need to pass gas (fart), excuse yourself from his presence. Try not
to destroy illusions by unpleasant odors. If you need to pass gas, face him.
If you must chew gum and smoke, do not do both at the same time.
Eat the food on your plate only. Leave his food for him.
Be a bitch, not a nag... Bitchy females get the men.
Don't pay much attention to the anger your man expresses before dinner. He
is hungry and everything bothers him.
Gourmet cooking is not required for most men. However, most women would do
better in attracting a man if they devoted a fraction of the time they spent in
learning bedroom techniques to learning kitchen techniques.
On Sex
Never deny sex, because that dooms any ideas of his marrying you.
Don't expect him to sleep on crumpled or wet sheets. If necessary, you should
sleep on the wet spot.
Do not ridicule the size of his penis or make unfavorable comparisons to
other males.
If you are overweight, it may be best if you avoid pressing down on him when
you are on top.
A typical male will lay almost any female if there are no repercussions.
Always play it safe sexually by consenting only to acts that are generally
acceptable. Place the burden of deviation upon him.
One step you can take to enhance a sexual encounter is to evoke some anger in
your male, but not furor, before sex.
After sex, the male is exhausted and has no immediate need of you as a
female... After intercourse, the man will have little energy left. Be prepared
to revive him with coffee, sweets, and appetizing snacks.
If the relationship continues to be nonsexual after an extended period of
time, the man may not be normal.
If a man suffers from premature ejaculation, just make him prolong
satisfaction slightly so he holds out an extra moment. Let us say it takes him
a minute to satisfy... Bet him that the next time you have sex, he will satisfy
in a minute and a half.
Prepare yourself emotionally for the sex act by fancying yourself in the
presence of a surrogate partner you have longed for in the past. If you have
fired up your imagination to a climactic state, your man can easily satisfy
you.
Virginity is looked upon favorably by some religious fanatics, recent
immigrants from tradition-bound societies, and men who have never had sex. The
typical male views virginity in the mature female as a curse, not a blessing.
If an adult woman tells her male that she is a virgin, he is likely to wonder
why no man has wanted her before.
On Things Women Know About Men
Men love to tell their stories! They love to tell about themselves to a
point that they become boring.
Anticipation conditions a conventional male, who was on the losing side of
the revolution, into believing he will receive something of great value in the
initial and subsequent sexual acts.
If we tell our males at six P.M. that we are lovely, they may have the
mental energy to fight off this idea... If your male is particularly tired and
exhausted, he is especially susceptible to your suggestions. His exhaustion is
especially useful for implanting the ideas of your worth, especially that you
are lovely, good, desirable, and would be the perfect wife.
-= the married life =-= 45 =--------------------------------------------------
From Harper's Index:
Average percentage increase in a wife's blood pressure during an argument
with her husband: 6.
Average percentage increase in a husband's blood pressure during an argument
with his wife: 14.
-= the married life =-= 46 =--------------------------------------------------
A woman is getting a sentimental feeling while watching a beautiful love scene
in a movie. Her husband leans over and whispers those three little words that
are on his mind: "Pass the popcorn."
-= the married life =-= 47 =--------------------------------------------------
How can a woman find out what life's like without a man around?
Get married.
-= the married life =-= 48 =--------------------------------------------------
How do you keep a man from wanting sex?
You marry him.
-= the married life =-= 49 =--------------------------------------------------
Husband: Honey, has the mailman come yet?
Wife: No, but he's panting and sweating pretty hard.
-= the married life =-= 50 =--------------------------------------------------
"You know," a guy told his buddies, "I'm a lucky man. I never realized how
much my wife loved me until the other day when I had to stay home sick from
work."
"What did she do?" someone asked.
"She was so happy to have me home," he said, "that every time someone came to
the door, like the mailman or milkman, she'd shout, 'My husbands home! My
husband's home!'"
-= the married life =-= 51 =--------------------------------------------------
In our premarital counseling, our therapist talked about how we should keep
growing as people. I never dreamed my husband would grow to 250 pounds!
-= the married life =-= 52 =--------------------------------------------------
Marriage for women has its ups and downs. How?
The toilet seat is up and the hubby's sex interest is down.
-= the married life =-= 53 =--------------------------------------------------
I saw my old girlfriend the other day and she had her wedding ring on the wrong
finger. When I pointed this out to her, she said, "I know, I married the wrong
man."
-= the married life =-= 54 =--------------------------------------------------
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time.
After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her
how often she has intercourse.
"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.
The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.
"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband."
-= the married life =-= 55 =--------------------------------------------------
A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the
diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her, "There must be
something you're doing that you haven't told me. Can you think of anything that
might be doing this to your knees?"
"Well," she said a little sheepishly, "my husband and I have sex doggy-style
on the floor every night."
"That's got to be it," said the doctor. "There are plenty of other positions
and ways to have sex, you know."
"Not if you're going to watch T.V. there ain't," she replied.
-= the married life =-= 56 =--------------------------------------------------
A husband and wife were fighting about their sex life.
"You never even tell me when you're having an orgasm!" he yelled.
"How can I?" she shot back. "You're never here!"
-= the married life =-= 57 =--------------------------------------------------
What could men do to make their marriages last longer?
Pay less attention to prenuptial agreements and more to postnuptial affection
and sex.
-= the married life =-= 58 =--------------------------------------------------
What does marriage teach women?
Patience.
-= the married life =-= 59 =--------------------------------------------------
My marriage is childless so far, except for my husband.
-= the married life =-= 60 =--------------------------------------------------
Why is a driver's license better than a marriage license?
It only lasts 4 years, and then you can choose to renew it or let it expire.
-= the married life =-= 61 =--------------------------------------------------
Dinner will be served at the sound of the smoke alarm.
-= the married life =-= 62 =--------------------------------------------------
When we were dating, my husband used to always tell me those three magic
words, "I love you". Now that we are married, those three magic words have
become, "What's for dinner?"
When we were dating, my husband would gently rub me with hot oil while he
affectionately called me lovely nicknames. Now that we are married, he gently
rubs his car with hot wax, which now has its own pet nickname.
When we were dating, my husband would always love to watch me undress. Now
that we are married, he loves to watch championship wrestling.
When we were dating, my husband read poetry to me as he caressed me in his
arms late into the night. Now that we are married, he quotes me sports
statistics and stock prices during breakfast.
When we were dating, my husband would passionately motivate and urge me on in
whatever I did, whether it was at my job or during sex. Now that we are married,
the only thing he passionately urges on is his favorite football team.
When we were dating, my husband would make love to me on his waterbed like a
sex-starved wild beast who would go on and on. So we called the bed our "Ocean
Of Motion Love Potion". Now that we are married, the bed has been renamed "The
Dead Sea".
-= the married life =-= 63 =--------------------------------------------------
A woman was complaining to her best friend over lunch. "Every time my
husband climaxes, he lets out an ear-splitting yell."
"That doesn't sound all that bad to me," said her friend. "As a matter of
fact, that would kind of turn me on."
"It would me too," said the first woman, "if it just didn't keep waking me up
and if he didn't keep moaning our daughter's name in his sleep!!"
-= the married life =-= 64 =--------------------------------------------------
It was once reported in "Variety" that Milton Berle, while watching television,
asked his wife, "Do you feel that sex and excitement have gone out of our
marriage?" To which his wife, Ruth, answered, "I'll discuss it with you during
the next commercial."
-= the married life =-= 65 =--------------------------------------------------
Even though some husbands work overtime on their jobs, they still enjoy
activities back at home in the family room, especially sleeping on the couch.
-= the married life =-= 66 =--------------------------------------------------
Most husbands don't like to hear their wives struggling with housework; so they
turn up the volume on the television.
-= the married life =-= 67 =--------------------------------------------------
One way to live together and never have an argument is for both husband and
wife to be hard-of-hearing...and to share the same hearing aid.
-= the married life =-= 68 =--------------------------------------------------
If a woman had perfect pitch, an instinctive sense of harmony and endless
musical ideas, what career would her husband urge her to go into?
Keeping house.
-= the married life =-= 69 =--------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a husband and a boyfriend?
About 60 pounds.
-= the married life =-= 70 =--------------------------------------------------
My husband has a nautical tattoo on his stomach. It used to be on his chest,
but he dropped anchor.
-= the married life =-= 71 =--------------------------------------------------
The other day, I saw this man go into a tattoo parlor and want a tattoo of a
"hundred dollar bill" tattoo'ed on his penis. The parlor owner said that he
could tattoo anything he wanted anywhere he wanted it! So the man got the
tattoo on his penis and while the parlor owner was doing it, he asked the man
why he wanted a "hundred dollar bill" tattoo'ed on his penis.
"Well," the man answered. "There is several reasons. Number one, I like to
play with my money!"
Well, the parlor owner said he could understand that.
Then the man said, "The second reason is I LIKE to see my money grow!"
The parlor owner said he could understand that too!
Then the man said, "For the third and most important reason, the next time my
wife wants to go out and blow a hundred bucks, SHE CAN STAY HOME!"
-= the married life =-= 72 =--------------------------------------------------
Sign seen on the back of a truck:
Driver carries no money, his wife has it.
-= the married life =-= 73 =--------------------------------------------------
Husbands don't like to gossip and air dirty laundry in public. They'd rather
drop it on the floor all over the house. Men never pick up after themselves. If
a single man drops something on the floor, it lies there until he gets married
and his wife picks it up for him. My husband will take off a dirty shirt, drop
it on the floor, and then expect it to be clean and wrinkle-free the next day
when he wears it again. Our kids grew up thinking doorknobs were made of dacron
polyester.
-= the married life =-= 74 =--------------------------------------------------
What does SWM stand for in a personal column advertisement?
Sneaking While Married
-= the married life =-= 75 =--------------------------------------------------
My husband can go to the gym and bench press 50 pounds 20 times. Then he'll
come home and tell me he doesn't have the energy to help me bring in the
groceries.
-= the married life =-= 76 =--------------------------------------------------
When don't most women ever tell their husbands when they're really enjoying sex?
Because their husbands are never there when it happens!
-= the married life =-= 77 =--------------------------------------------------
What do most women miss most about being single?
Having sex.
-= the married life =-= 78 =--------------------------------------------------
The difference between a husband and a lover is like day and night.
-= the married life =-= 79 =--------------------------------------------------
Men seem to become less interested in sex after marriage. In some cases, the
situation is so bad that the husband changes positions more often when he's
asleep than he does during sex, the husband doesn't go to sleep immediately
after sex but instead goes to sleep during sex, the husband really is reading
"Playboy" just for the articles, Kim Basinger had more sex in "9 1/2 Weeks" than
these couples have in 9 1/2 years, and if Madonna was married to one of these
men, she wouldn't just feel like a virgin, she'd be a virgin!
-= the married life =-= 80 =--------------------------------------------------
Why is sex with your spouse like a convenience store?
There's not much variety, but what else is open at three in the morning.
-= the married life =-= 81 =--------------------------------------------------
Besides "I love you", what three words does a wife want to hear most?
"I'll fix it."
-= the married life =-= 82 =--------------------------------------------------
What's the best way to have your husband remember your anniversary?
Get married on his birthday.
-= the married life =-= 83 =--------------------------------------------------
Why are some married men like candles?
Because they occasionally go out at night when they should not.
-= the married life =-= 84 =--------------------------------------------------
On their 50th wedding anniversary, a man was asked the secret of their long
marriage. "Well, at home, I lead the roost," he said, "And my wife leads the
rooster."
-= the married life =-= 85 =--------------------------------------------------
Jim had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day
without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket
and ordered four catfish. He told the fish salesman, "Pick four large ones out
and throw them at me, will you?"
"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"
"Because I want to tell my wife that I caught them."
"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy."
"But why?"
"Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I
should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."
-= the married life =-= 86 =--------------------------------------------------
I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is that it's the
only time he hears someone tell him, "Wow, that's a big one!"
-= the married life =-= 87 =--------------------------------------------------
James and his wife, Martha, are getting ready to leave home for a vacation.
Martha started out the door, then stopped, turned around, and said, "James, this
time you should go check to see if the coffee pot is off, television plugs are
pulled, lamp timers are set, thermostat is adjusted, windows are closed and
locked, burglar alarm is on, doors are locked, and I'll go wait in the car and
keep blowing the horn."
-= the married life =-= 88 =--------------------------------------------------
A good husband is the light of his wife's life. But some wives are getting fed
up with seeing their lights go out every night.
-= the married life =-= 89 =--------------------------------------------------
Husband: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Wife: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
-= the married life =-= 90 =--------------------------------------------------
Tom and Jeni are having one of their occasional disputes of opinion. Tom
took off his pants and threw them at Jeni, yelling, "Hey, woman, can you fill
these pants up?"
"Of course not, you jerk. You know I can't."
"You're right. You can't. I wear the pants in this family."
So Jeni took off her panties and threw them at Tom, yelling, "Hey, jerk, can
you get into these panties?"
"Hell no! They're too small and dainty!"
"And you won't either, until you change your treatment of me!"
-= the married life =-= 91 =--------------------------------------------------
"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing the
attractive salesgirl, "but I don't know her size."
"Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.
"Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours."
"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the
gloves.
"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a bra and panties."
-= the married life =-= 92 =--------------------------------------------------
A clerk was showing a lady a very nice dress shirt and tie. "Now this," the
clerk said, "is absolutely elegant. It is perfect for a man-about-town."
"Could be," the woman replied, "but I'm looking more for something for a
louse-around-the-house."
-= the married life =-= 93 =--------------------------------------------------
If you constantly hear a married man brag about how he runs everything around
the house, you can be sure that he is referring to the lawn mower, the car, the
errands, and the baby carriage.
-= the married life =-= 94 =--------------------------------------------------
Six months into a marriage, a man was asked by his best friend how everything
was going. He replied, "Oh, just fine. We practically never have any arguments.
In the morning, she does what she wants. In the afternoon, I do what she wants.
And at night, we both do what we both want."
-= the married life =-= 95 =--------------------------------------------------
Watching her mother as she tried on her new mink coat, the daughter
protested, "Mom, do you realize some poor, dumb beast suffered so you could have
that coat?"
Her mother glared back at her and said, "Don't talk about your father that
way!"
-= the married life =-= 96 =--------------------------------------------------
"Jim and I have been married for two years now and we have not yet had our
first husband-wife argument. If we have a difference of any kind, and I am
right, Jim nods and accepts my opinion."
"But what if he's right?"
"That has not happened yet."
-= the married life =-= 97 =--------------------------------------------------
It has been calculated that after three years of marriage the average couple
talk to each other for six and a half minutes a week.
-= the married life =-= 98 =--------------------------------------------------
A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their
waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed
that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the
woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down
his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled,
apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and
said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under
the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, "No he didn't. He just walked
in the door."
-= the married life =-= 99 =--------------------------------------------------
One woman was asked, "Would it kill you if your husband were to run off with
another woman?"
To which she calmly replied, "Well, it might. They say that irrepressible
job can bring on a heart attack."
-= the married life =-= 100 =--------------------------------------------------
The next door neighbor of a middle-aged wife came over to inform her that
her retired husband was chasing around after young prostitutes.
The woman smiled, "So what?"
The neighbor was surprised, "It doesn't bother you that he's running around
with those women?"
The woman replied, "I also have a little dog who chases cars and buses, too."
-= the married life =-= 101 =--------------------------------------------------
Retirement means twice as much husband for half as much money.
-= the married life =-= 102 =--------------------------------------------------
Sam arrived home from work early one afternoon only to surprise his wife
busily engaged with a midget in bed.
After chasing the rogue away, Sam liberally expressed his dismay to his
wayward spouse. "I just don't know what to do with you!" he said, shaking his
head. "We've talked about this over and over. We've spent hours with the
marriage counselor. I was really starting to believe that I could trust you
again."
"I know, I know..." acknowledged the wife contritely. "But at least I'm
cutting back!"
-= the married life =-= 103 =--------------------------------------------------
The man came home to find evidence that his wife had been unfaithful. "Was
it my friend Steve?" he yelled.
"No," she said.
"Was it my friend James?" he then asked.
"What?" she shouted. "Don't you think I have any friends of my own?"
-= the married life =-= 104 =--------------------------------------------------
"Come on, Steve," one guy said to another at the gym, "your wife is not as
bad as you say. What would you do if you found another man in bed with her?"
"I'd break his white cane and shoot his dog."
-= the married life =-= 105 =--------------------------------------------------
A woman comes home from shopping and finds her husband in bed with another
woman. The man jumps up and says, "Honey, I can explain! As I was coming home
from the golf course, I saw this poor helpless girl on the side of the road. So
I gave her a ride and asked her where she was going. She said she had no where
to go and hadn't eaten anything in three days. I felt so sorry for her that I
brought her home and gave her something to eat. While she was eating, I noticed
she had no shoes so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't use anymore. Then
I noticed her clothes were worn, so I gave her one of your dresses that you
don't use anymore. As she was ready to leave, she turned to me and said, 'Is
there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?'"
-= the married life =-= 106 =--------------------------------------------------
In November of 1993, a judge in Georgetown, Guyana, found Ronald Jonas guilty of
punching his wife after she found him in bed with another woman and sentenced
him to be "at her beck and call" for two weeks. "He is your slave," the judge
said. "Anything you want him to do, he has to do."
-= the married life =-= 107 =--------------------------------------------------
A husband was worried about the decline in the quality of his marriage so he
discreetly went to a marriage counselor to discuss the problem.
The counselor asked, "Do you kiss your wife when you get home from work,
remind her every now and then of how much you love her, and show her all the
little attentions that you did during the first few years of your marriage?"
"Uhh, no, I guess not," the husband replied.
"That happens with many married couples," the counselor replied. "I suggest
that you begin starting today to do all those little nice things for her...fuss
over her, buy her flowers, bring candy home to her, and try to be a lover again
instead of just a husband."
"That sounds good to me. You're right. I'll start this evening."
So when the husband got home that night, he presented his wife at the door
with a dozen long-stemmed roses, gave her a big hug and kiss and said, "We're
going out on the town tonight, sweet lips, just the two of us and we're going to
have a *good* time. I've reserved a table at the Hilton, two seats for a great
musical to see after dinner, and that's only the beginning!"
His wife stared at him, then burst into tears. "What! What's wrong, honey?
Tell me what's the matter?" the husband cried.
"Well, Susie came home from high school today and told me that she's
pregnant. Then our bank called us today to tell us that five checks have bounced
and that we should immediately make a deposit. Then our cat, Mittens, got run
over by a car and poor little Katie is in her room sobbing her eyes out right
now. And I totally wrecked the car while I was trying to rush Mittens to the
animal clinic. And now...(sniff) (sniff)...now..." she broke off and sobbed
deeply.
"Now what, honey, tell me. Please tell me." the husband begged.
"And now, *you* come home drunk!!!!"
-= the married life =-= 108 =--------------------------------------------------
After an argument with his wife, a man stalked out of the house. He returned
a few hours later to find his wife packing a suitcase. He angrily asked her
where she was going.
"I'm moving to Las Vegas. I can make $400-500 there doing what I give you
for free."
The man thought about this for a moment, then pulled out his own suitcase and
began packing. His wife asked where HE was going.
"I'm going to Las Vegas, too. I want to see how you manage to live on $800 a
year."
-= the married life =-= 109 =--------------------------------------------------
Outraged wife: Couldn't you think of anything better than coming home drunk like
this?
Husband: Yes, but she was out of town.
-= the married life =-= 110 =--------------------------------------------------
Gena is such a good wife. Why, just let her husband get home late at night and
as soon as he enters the door, he gets his pipe, slippers, pajamas, robe, book,
dinner, and if anything else is handy, she heaves that at him, too.
-= the married life =-= 111 =--------------------------------------------------
Husband: Darling, will you love me when I'm old and feeble?
Spouse: You bet I do.
-= the married life =-= 112 =--------------------------------------------------
Marriage counselor to female client: Maybe your problem is that you've been
waking up grumpy every morning.
Client: No, I always let him sleep.
-= the married life =-= 113 =--------------------------------------------------
At the marriage counselor's office, the woman complained, "What's-his-name here
says I don't give him enough attention."
-= the married life =-= 114 =--------------------------------------------------
"Oh, Laura!" cried her neighbor, "I'm so very sorry to hear about the loss
of your husband. He was such a wonderful man. I'm sure he left you well
provided for, didn't he?"
Laura dabbed at her eyes and muttered, "Yes, he was a very caring husband
and he left me almost half a million dollars in his will. I miss him so much
that I'd give fifty thousand just to have him back!"
-= the married life =-= 115 =--------------------------------------------------
When the husband came home from his job, he found his wife crying.
"Your mother insulted me, very much." she sobbed.
"My mother? How could she do that when she's on a vacation on the other side
of the world?"
"I know. But this morning, a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it,
because I was curious."
"And?"
"At the end of the letter, it was written: P.S. Dear Catherine, when you've
read this letter, don't forget to give it to my son."
-= the married life =-= 116 =--------------------------------------------------
Husband: Now that we are married, perhaps I can point out a few of your defects.
Wife: Don't bother, dear, I know all about them. It's those defects that kept
me from getting a better man than you.
-= the married life =-= 117 =--------------------------------------------------
"My wife is very hard to please."
"But she wasn't always that way."
"How do you know?"
"Why, she married you, didn't she?"
-= the married life =-= 118 =--------------------------------------------------
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun. "It's for my
husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.
"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot
him!"
-= the married life =-= 119 =--------------------------------------------------
There is absolutely no excuse for a wife to have an inferiority complex. All
she has to do to avoid or cure it, is to be sick in bed for a day and leave her
husband to manage the household and the kids.
-= the married life =-= 120 =--------------------------------------------------
Who needs a husband?
My dog growls at me every morning, my parrot swears all afternoon, my fireplace
smokes a lot, my cat slinks home in the early morning hours, and I have a
physician who looks me over regularly.
-= the married life =-= 121 =--------------------------------------------------
For many wives, the only peace and solitude that she may have if she wants a
little time to herself at the end of the day is at the sink, doing the dishes.
-= the married life =-= 122 =--------------------------------------------------
Income tax examiner: What's your husband's average income?
Wife: Ohh, about midnight.
-= the married life =-= 123 =--------------------------------------------------
After their house burned down, Mary Ann, his wife, called the insurance
company. Mary Ann tells the insurance agent, "We had that house insured for
one hundred thirty thousand dollars and we want our money."
The agent replies, "Whoa there, just a minute. It doesn't work quite like
that. We will ascertain the value of your house and provide you with a new one
of comparable worth."
Mary Ann thought for a moment and then told the agent, "I'd like to cancel
the policy on my husband."
-= the married life =-= 124 =--------------------------------------------------
The little boy asked his dad one evening, "Daddy, how much does it cost to
get married?"
"I don't know, son," he said. "I'm still paying for it."
-= the married life =-= 125 =--------------------------------------------------
Standing at the pearly gates of heaven, Albert noticed pointing to two paths.
One was marked "Women" and the other marked "Men". He took the path assigned to
men and then came upon two more gates. The right-hand gate had a sign that read
"Men Who Were Dominated By Their Spouses"; the other gate read "Men Who Were
Boss And Dominated Their Spouses". The first gate had an endless line of guys
waiting, but only one little guy stood before the male domination gate. Albert
was undecided, so he walked up to the little guy standing all alone and asked,
"Why are you standing at this gate, a little punk like you?"
The smallish fellow replied, "I haven't a clue. My wife told me to stand
here."
-= the married life =-= 126 =--------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a ten-year-old marriage and a ten-year-old job?
After ten years, the job still sucks.
-= the married life =-= 127 =--------------------------------------------------
A woman tells her friend, "My husband is an angel."
Her friend replies, "You're lucky, mine is still alive."
-= the married life =-= 128 =--------------------------------------------------
Two men are sitting in a pub talking, one mentions that it's his wife's
birthday soon and he doesn't know what to get her. The second man says that he
bought his wife a blue Porsche and a red Porsche for her birthday because if she
didn't like the blue one, she could have the red one, and vice versa.
The next week, the second man asks the other what he finally bought his wife.
He replies, "a necklace and a vibrator."
"Why?" asks the second man.
To which the other man replies, "Because if she doesn't like the necklace,
she can go fuck herself."
-= the married life =-= 129 =--------------------------------------------------
Beijing's official "Heilongjiang Legal News" publication reported in January of
1994 that the wife of Zhang Jingui, following the advice of a fortune-teller on
how to improve marital relations, cut off his penis with a pair of scissors.
The fortune-teller had concluded that the problem in the relationship was
Zhang's faulty organ and that the wife's only hope was to remove it so that a
new one would grow.
-= the married life =-= 130 =--------------------------------------------------
The doctor came in and sat down. "Your husband is at death's door," he said
solemnly. The wife asked, "Can you pull him through?"
-= the married life =-= 131 =--------------------------------------------------
The doctor came out of the operating room to talk with the man's wife. "I don't
like the looks of your husband," he said. "Neither do I," said the wife, "but
he's not home much, and he's great with the kids."
-= the married life =-= 132 =--------------------------------------------------
It's almost impossible to get tickets to the theater. A woman is there one
night and next to her is an empty seat.
Man next to her: I've never seen an empty seat before. Why is one there?
Woman: It's a sad story. We ordered these tickets two years ago and my
husband just died the other day.
Man: How sad... But why didn't you give them to a relative?
Woman: I would have, but they're all at the funeral.
-= the married life =-= 133 =--------------------------------------------------
Down in Arkansas, they say that custom has changed little. Many a man still
sleeps with a battle-axe by his side.
-= the married life =-= 134 =--------------------------------------------------
A stockbroker walked into his high-rise luxury apartment, poured himself a
stiff Scotch, and sank into a chair. Throwing back the drink, he told his wife
that Black Monday had completely wiped them out financially.
"We'll have to sell the condo, the car, and your jewelry," he said. "We're
broke."
The stunned woman gasped, then ran to a window, and jumped out. The husband
slowly raised his hands and muttered, "Thank you, Paine Webber."
-= the married life =-= 135 =--------------------------------------------------
Fidelity is a virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
-= the married life =-= 136 =--------------------------------------------------
Dave Barry on your husband's midlife crisis:
If your husband is exhibiting signs of a midlife crisis, at first you should try
to humor him. If he wants to buy a ludicrously impractical sports car, tell him
you think it's a terrific idea. If he wants to wear "younger" clothes, help him
pick them out. If he wants to start seeing other women, shoot him in the head.
-= the married life =-= 137 =--------------------------------------------------
The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country
preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man
he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.
Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up
there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa."
-= the married life =-= 138 =--------------------------------------------------
Do you know what it means to come home to a man who'll give you a little love,
a little affection, and a little tenderness?
It means you're in the wrong house.
-= the married life =-= 139 =--------------------------------------------------
Why are complaints of married people like the noise of the waves on the shore?
Because they are murmurs of the tied.
-= the married life =-= 140 =--------------------------------------------------
"Okay," said the wife, "I'll admit I like to spend money, but it's the only
extravagance I have."
-= the married life =-= 141 =--------------------------------------------------
"We have a terrible time making ends meet on Bob's income." his wife told
her best friend. "How do you two manage? And you even have kids!"
"We get along okay," her friend said. "You see, we work on our budget every
evening. That saves us lots of money."
"Really? How can that be?"
"Well, by the time we get it all balanced, it's too damn late to go anywhere
and do anything."
-= the married life =-= 142 =--------------------------------------------------
Over the weekend, Steve bought a new car. He was so excited about it that
he had to take a picture of it to bring to work with him to show everyone. The
picture was a Polaroid snapshot of his wife sitting in one of the front seats.
Steve crowed as he showed the picture to co-worker Jim, "It's got power
steering, anti-lock brakes, cruise control and a driver's side air bag."
Jim squinted at the picture. Having never seen Steve's wife before, he
asked, "Who's that?"
"Oh," said Steve with a grin, "another feature, my passenger-side wind bag."
-= the married life =-= 143 =--------------------------------------------------
"Before I married my wife," a husband once said, "it was nothing but wine,
women, and song. Now that I'm her husband, it's beer, mama, and TV."
-= the married life =-= 144 =--------------------------------------------------
Will you love me when I'm old and bald?
It's tough enough now, when you're young and hairy.
-= the married life =-= 145 =--------------------------------------------------
A woman married 35 years asked her husband on their anniversary, "What were
you thinking the very first time you saw me?"
He replied, "I wanted to suck those tits dry and fuck your brains out, dear."
She asked, "And what do you think when you look at me now, darling?"
"I think I did a damn good job!"
-= the married life =-= 146 =--------------------------------------------------
The Ideal Husband To His Wife
We've lived for forty years, dear wife,
And walked together side by side,
And you to-day are just as dear
As when you were my bride.
I've tried to make life glad for you,
One long, sweet honeymoon of joy,
A dream of marital content,
Without the least alloy.
I've smoothed all boulders from our path,
That we in peace might toil along,
By always hastening to admit
That I was right and you were wrong.
No mad diversity of creed
Has ever sundered me from thee;
For I permit you evermore
To borrow your ideas from me.
And thus it is, through weal or woe,
Our love forevermore endures;
For I permit that you should take
My views and creeds and make them yours.
And thus I let you have my way,
And thus in peace we toil along,
For I am willing to admit
That I am right and you are wrong.
And when our matrimonial skiff
Strikes snags in love's meandering stream,
I lift our shallop from the rocks,
And float as in a placid dream.
And well I know our marriage bliss
While life shall last will never cease;
For I shall always let thee do,
In generous love, just what I please.
Peace comes, and discord flies away,
Love's bright day follows hatred's night;
For I am ready to admit
That you are wrong and I am right.
- Sam Walter Foss
-= the married life =-= 147 =--------------------------------------------------
Do married people live longer, or does it just seem that way?
-= the married life =-= 148 =--------------------------------------------------
When we first got married, my husband and I decided that we should keep growing
as people. I just never imagined that he would grow to 300 pounds!
-= the married life =-= 149 =--------------------------------------------------
When You Are Old and Gray
by Tom Lehrer
Since I still appreciate you,
Let's find love while we may,
Because I know I'll hate you
When you are old and gray.
So say you love me here and now.
I'll make the most of that.
Say you love and trust me,
For I know you'll disgust me
When you're old and getting fat.
An awful debility, a lessened utility,
A loss of mobility is a strong possibility.
In all probability, I'll lose my virility
And you your fertility and desirability.
And this liability of total sterility
Will lead to hostility and a sense of futility.
So let's act with agility while we still have facility
For we'll soon reach senility
And lose the ability.
Your teeth will start to go dear.
Your waist will start to spread.
In twenty years or so dear,
I'll wish that you were dead.
I'll never love you then at all
The way I do today.
So please remember, when I leave in December,
I told you so in May.
-= the married life =-= 150 =--------------------------------------------------
A 50-year-old woman comes home from the doctor after getting a physical and
gloats to her husband that the doctor told her she had the body of a
30-year-old. "What about your fat butt?" the husband snaps. "Your name never
came up" the woman replies.
-= the married life =-= 151 =--------------------------------------------------
What's an orgasm, mom?
I don't know, dear...ask your father.
-= the married life =-= 152 =--------------------------------------------------
Barbara Walters asked Robert Mitchum what made his marriage work now that he had
been married forty-two years. Mitchum replied, "Lack of imagination, I suppose."
-= the married life =-= 153 =--------------------------------------------------
How can you tell if your wife is dead?
Sex is the same but the dishes are stacking up in the sink.
-= the married life =-= 154 =--------------------------------------------------
"My wife is quite a history buff," John told his friend. "She's constantly
raking up the past."
-= the married life =-= 155 =--------------------------------------------------
"You used to hold my hand years ago when we were courting," she said as they
were side by side in bed.
He reached over, took her hand and held it.
"Then you used to kiss me," she purred.
He turned over, gave her a slight kiss and then rolled over again to sleep.
"After that, you used to bite my neck."
With that the husband got up.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth," he grumbled.
-= the married life =-= 156 =--------------------------------------------------
I married her for her looks, but not the ones she's been giving me lately!
-= the married life =-= 157 =--------------------------------------------------
Wife #1: Does your husband join you in doing the housework?
Wife #2: Oh, he likes to do nothing better.
-= the married life =-= 158 =--------------------------------------------------
A couple were celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary at their home.
Everyone was having a great time except for the wife who sat off in a corner
with a tear in her eye. The family attorney came over to her and asked what was
wrong. The wife told him, "Remember when we first got married and I told you
that I couldn't stand him after about a month into the marriage? I really
hated him at the time."
"Yeah, I remember those trying times." replied the attorney.
"I absolutely positively hated him. I even had bad thoughts of killing him,
remember?"
"Yes, I do."
"But you kept telling to get rid of those thoughts. You said that I would
get up to thirty years for such a crime."
"That was a long time ago though. Why are you so sad now?"
"Because...I could have been a free woman by now!"
-= the married life =-= 159 =--------------------------------------------------
"John, tomorrow is our fiftieth anniversary. What do you think we should do?"
"Let's celibate!"
-= the married life =-= 160 =--------------------------------------------------
My wife and I have an agreement that works... She is responsible for the
small decisions, and I am responsible for the big ones.
This means that she decides things like where to take our next vacation, the
color of our next car, and the construction budget for adding on the new family
room.
I decide whether or not the President should extend most favored nation
trading status to China, how high the Federal Reserve should go with short term
interest rates, and the timetable for the elimination of CFCs from automobile
air conditioners.
-= the married life =-= 161 =--------------------------------------------------
A male chauvinist tells his buddy over drinks, "I called the local insane
asylum yesterday to check on who has escaped from there recently."
His buddy asks, "Oh? Why do you wonder about that?"
To which he replies, "Well, somebody ran off with my wife this week!"
-= the married life =-= 162 =--------------------------------------------------
A hippy with no job kept begging his girlfriend to marry him. She protested
for months saying he needed a job first. He always told her, "We can just live
on love."
Finally, she relented and they got married. The morning after their
honeymoon, she got up and sat on the heater. The hippy asked, "What are you
doing?"
She replied, "Heating your breakfast."
-= the married life =-= 163 =--------------------------------------------------
The husband returns home one day and tells his wife, "Hi honey, look, I've
bought the new Rolling Stones CD."
"Why did you do that?! We don't even have a CD player!" replied the wife.
"So what, have I ever asked why you keep on buying bras?"
-= the married life =-= 164 =--------------------------------------------------
From Reuters:
John Knight of Cornwall, England, was a busy man. He used to run, literally,
between his two families: he and his wife had 12 children, and he and his
mistress, about a mile away, had nine more. Each woman was aware of the
situation. "Was"? "Used to"? Alas, he died last week at the age of 58,
apparently of natural causes.
-= the married life =-= 165 =--------------------------------------------------
A man answered a knock on his front door to find an Encyclopedia Britannica
salesman standing there, to which he told the salesman, "We don't need any. My
wife tells me she knows about everything going on."
-= the married life =-= 166 =--------------------------------------------------
One day, these two ladies who had recently met were walking down the street,
when one of them said something in reference to her second husband. Her friend
asks, "Oh, so you've been married twice then?"
To which the first lady said, "No, four times."
"For times!" exclaimed the first. "At your age? How did that happen?"
So the other lady said, "Well, I first married when I was very young, and I
married this wonderful man who was a banker. However, one day just a few weeks
after we were married, his bank was robbed and he was shot and killed."
"Oh my gosh, that's terrible" the first girl said.
"Well, it was tragic, but he did leave me a lot of money." her friend
replied. "Soon after that, I started seeing another man who performed in the
circus. He was really a great guy, but he lived pretty dangerously because he
performed his high-wire act without a net. Well, a few weeks after we got
married, he was performing a show and suddenly a gust of wind came by and
knocked him off his wire and he was killed."
"Your second husband was killed too? That's horrible!"
"Yes, it was terrible, but at the funeral, I fell in love with the minister
and we got married soon after that. Unfortunately, one Sunday while he was
walking to church, he was hit by a car and killed."
"Three? Three husbands of yours were killed? How could you live through all
that?"
"It was pretty tough, but then I met my present husband. He's a wonderful
man. I think we'll live a long happy life together."
"And what does your present husband do for a living?"
"He's a mortician."
"A mortician? I don't understand something here. First you marry a banker,
then a circus performer, then a minister, and now a mortician? Why such a
diverse grouping of husbands?"
"Well, if you think about it it's not too hard to understand...
One for the money...
Two for the show...
Three to get ready...
And four to go!'
-= the married life =-= 167 =--------------------------------------------------
Sometimes, dear, you tell me I'm an asshole,
sometimes you're an asshole too.
Even though we're filled with imperfections,
I don't think any less of you.
- lyrics from "My Love is You", one of the tracks off David Byrne's self-titled
new album. The song (the closest thing you'll get to a David Byrne "love song")
is accompanied by honks of a tuba.
-= the married life =-= 168 =--------------------------------------------------
Two men who hadn't seen each other in years met on the street. While they
were talking and trying to catch up on all those intervening years, one asked
the other if he had gotten married.
"Nope," the other man replied. "I look this way because someone just
spilled a cup of coffee on me."
-= the married life =-= 169 =--------------------------------------------------
A guy was walking around the office Christmas party belting down drink after
drink. But every ten or fifteen minutes, he reached into his shirt pocket,
pulled something out, took a look at it, then put it back in his pocket.
Finally, a friend came up to him and said, "George, I've been watching you
all night, and I have to ask...what's in your shirt pocket?"
"It's a picture of my wife."
"Why do you keep looking at it?"
"Because," George replied, "When she finally starts looking good, it's time
to go home."
-= the married life =-= 170 =--------------------------------------------------
Two friends are shopping in a drugstore when one of them tells the other, "My
husband says this brand here is the most effective ointment for hemorrhoids on
the market today."
"How does he know this for sure though?" asked the other woman.
"Because besides being my husband who thinks he's always right, he's also an
asshole himself."
-= the married life =-= 171 =--------------------------------------------------
This is actual text from a Home Economics guide used in Ontario, Canada during
the 1950's. The segment is titled:
The Fascinating Womanhood Way To Welcome A Man When He Comes Home From Work
Get your work done: Plan your tasks with an eye of the clock. Finish or
interrupt them an hour before he is expected. Your anguished cry, "Are you home
already?" is not exactly a warm welcome.
Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before to have a delicious meal,
on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him
and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and
the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he
arrives. This will also make you happy to see him instead of too tired to care.
Turn off the worry and be glad to be alive and grateful for the man who is going
to walk in. While you are resting you can be thinking about your Fascinating
Womanhood assignment and all you can do to make him happy and give his spirits a
lift. When you arise, take care of your appearance. Touch up your makeup, put
a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of
work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring
day may need a lift.
Clear away the clutter: Make one last trip through the main part of the house
just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc.
in a bucket or wastebasket and put them in the back bedroom for sorting later.
Then run a dustcloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a
haven of rest and order and it will give you a lift too. Having the house in
order is another way of letting him know that you care and have planned for this
homecoming.
Prepare the children: Take just a few minutes to wash the children's hands and
faces (if they are small) comb their hair, and if necessary change their
clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them look the part.
Minimize all noise: Especially give heed to this if your husband has to join
rush hour traffic. At the time of his arrival eliminate noise of washer, dryer,
dishwasher or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet at the time of
their father's arrival. Let them be a little noisy beforehand to get it out of
their system.
Be happy to see him: Greet him with a warm smile and act glad to see him. Tell
him that it is good to have him home. This may make his day worthwhile. If
there is any romance left in you, he needs it now.
Some don'ts: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Solve the problems
you can before he gets home and save those you must discuss with him until later
in the evening. Also, don't complain if he is late for dinner. Count this as a
minor problem when compared with what he might have gone through that day. Don't
allow the children to rush at him with problems or requests. Allow them to
briefly greet their father but save demands for later.
Make him comfortable: Have him lean back into a comfortable chair or suggest he
lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his
pillow and offer to massage his neck and shoulders and take off his shoes. Don't
insist on this however. Turn on music if it is one of his pleasures. Speak in a
soft, soothing, pleasant voice. Allow him to relax, to unwind.
Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his
arrival is not the time. Let him talk first, then he will be a more responsive
listener later.
Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or
to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of
strain and pressure, his need to be home and to relax. If he is cross or
irritable, never fight back. Again, try to understand his world of strain.
The goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband
can renew himself in body and spirit. Then add to this the application of all
the principles of Fascinating Womanhood and your husband **will want to come
home** (that's in italics) He will rather be with you than with anyone else in
the world and will spend whatever time he can possibly spare with you. Try
living all of these rules for his homecoming and see what happens. This is the
way to bring a man home to your side, not by pressure, persuasion or moral
obligation.
-= the married life =-= 172 =--------------------------------------------------
Two southern belles, each married for a little over a year, were seated on
the verandah, conversing. The first said, "Why, my husband, he treats me so
nice. Why, for my birthday, he gave me the most gorgeous ruby and diamond
necklace."
And the second belle replied, "That's nice."
The first continued, "And then, for Christmas, he gave me a condominium in
Aspen."
And the second replied, "That's nice."
And the first went on, "And then, for our weddin' anniversary, he gave me a
brand new Mercedes automobile."
And the second replied, "That's nice."
"But tell me," asked the first, "does your husband ever do anything nice for
you?"
"Well," answered the second, "Ah married somewhat above my station. So my
husband, he sent me to charm school."
"Charm school?" replied the first. "Why, whatever do y'all learn in charm
school."
And the second responded, "Ah learned to say 'That's nice' instead of 'Fuck
you.'"
-= the married life =-= 173 =--------------------------------------------------
In Toronto during March of 1994, Sajid Rhatti, 23, and his 20-year-old wife
brawled over whether Katey Sagal, who plays Peg Bundy on the "Married With
Children" TV show, is prettier than Christina Applegate, who plays her daughter.
The wife slashed Rhatti in the groin with a wine bottle as they scuffled, but
she dressed his wounds, and the couple sat back down again to watch the second
of two back-to-back episodes of the show. Moments later, the brawl erupted
again, and Rhatti, who suffered a broken arm and shoulder, stabbed his wife in
the chest, back, and legs before they implored neighbors to call an ambulance.
-= the married life =-= 174 =--------------------------------------------------
A man and wife have been married five years and are working out in the yard
when the man comments, "Honey, your ass sure has gotten big lately."
The wife gets upset and moves to another part of the yard. A short while
later, the man says, "Honey, I'll bet your ass is bigger than that big ol' gas
grill over there."
The wife gets even angrier and goes on inside the house. The man then gets a
tape measure and measures the grill and goes into the house and measures her
ass. He then says, "I was right, your ass is bigger than the grill."
Later that night when they go to bed, the man turns to his wife and says
"C'mon honey, let's do IT."
To which the wife replies, "You're crazy if you think I'm firing up this big
ol' grill for that little weenie."
-= the married life =-= 175 =--------------------------------------------------
John and Mary visit their pastor for marriage counseling. The pastor gets up
and hugs Mary, and sits down. He gets up and hugs Mary a second and third time
and then turns to John and says, "See that, John. Mary needs that EVERY DAY!"
John replies, "Well, that's fine, Pastor. But I can't bring her over here
except on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
-= the married life =-= 176 =--------------------------------------------------
I snuck upstairs with shoes in hand
When the night itself took wing,
And saw my wife up ahead of me,
Doing the same damned thing.
-= the married life =-= 177 =--------------------------------------------------
To my dear wife,
During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I succeeded
36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list
of why I did not succeed more often.
We will wake the children 17 times
It's too late 15 times
I'm too tired 5 times
It's too early 52 times
It's too hot 15 times
Pretending to be asleep 49 times
Window open the neighbours will hear 9 times
Backache 2 times
Headache 16 times
Sunburnt 10 times
Your mother will hear us 6 times
Not in the mood 21 times
Will wake the baby 17 times
Watching the late TV show 7 times
Too sore 9 times
New hairdo 4 times
Wrong time of the month 4 times
You had to go to the toilet 9 times
On the 36 occasions that I did succeed, the activity was not entirely
satisfactory because 6 times you just lay there, 8 times you reminded me there
was a crack in the ceiling, 14 times you told me to hurry up and get it over
with, 7 times I had to wake you to tell you I had finished, and once I was
afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.
Your loving husband.
...
To my dear husband,
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the real reasons you did
not get more than you did.
Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat 7 times
Didn't come home 29 times
Didn't come 14 times
Came too soon 26 times
Went soft before you got in 18 times
Toes in cramp 9 times
Working late 49 times
Said you had a rash, probably from a loo seat 21 times
In a fight, someone kicked you in the balls 4 times
Caught it in your zip 6 times
Got a cold, your nose keeps running 14 times
Brewer's droop 95 times
Tea was too hot, you burnt your tongue 9 times
Had a splinter in your finger 4 times
Lost the notion after thinking about it all day 13 times
Came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book 8 times
Of the times we did get together, the reason I lay still was because you had
missed and was stuffing the sheets. I wasn't talking about a crack in the
ceiling, what I said was "Would you prefer it on your back or with me kneeling?"
The times you felt me move were because you had farted and I was trying to
breathe. However, 6 months ago I phoned Alcoholics Anonymous for help and their
representative has been calling most afternoons.
Your loving wife.
-= the married life =-= 178 =--------------------------------------------------
You know you've been married too long when a "Quickie" before dinner now means a
drink.
-= the married life =-= 179 =--------------------------------------------------
The Top 16 Biblical Ways To Acquire A Wife
16. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her
nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. - Deuteronomy 21
15. Find a prostitute and marry her. - Hosea (Hosea 1)
14. Find a woman with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.
- Moses (Exodus 2)
13. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. - Boaz
(Ruth 4)
12. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and
carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges 21)
11. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a
rib. - Adam (Genesis 2)
10. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get
tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the
woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years
of toil for a woman. - Jacob (Genesis 29)
9. Cut off 50 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his
daughter for a wife. - David (1 Samuel somewhere)
8. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely
find someone. (It's all relative off course.) - Cain (Genesis 4)
7. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. - Xerxes or
Atrahasis (Esther 1)
6. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a
...woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision,
simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." - Samson (Judges 14)
5. Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though).
- David (2 Samuel 9)
4. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea,
it's the law). - Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
3. Don't be so picky. Make for quality with quantity. - Solomon (1 Kings 11)
2. A wife?...NOT!!! - Paul (I Corinthians 7)
1. Become sinless, and die in atonement for others, and you can marry a whole
bunch of people. - Jesus (Revelation 15?)
-= the married life =-= 180 =--------------------------------------------------
Top Ten Things NOT To Say On Your Anniversary
10. Today is our what?
9. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time we had sex this year.
Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.
8. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if
it'll shut ya up.
7. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?
6. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.
5. I thought we only celebrated important events?
4. Having sex doesn't count as a gift?
3. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in
love.
2. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about sex.
1. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.
-= the married life =-= 181 =--------------------------------------------------
Anniversaries and birthdays
Complicate my life.
I'm an absent-minded husband
Of a present-minded wife.
-= the married life =-= 182 =--------------------------------------------------
Never try to guess your wife's size. Just buy her anything marked 'petite' and
hold onto the receipt.
-= the married life =-= 183 =--------------------------------------------------
In July 1994, the Chicago Tribune reported during the trial of a marriage
matchmaker in Guangzhou Province on the testimony of a barber who agreed to
offer his unwilling wife to the matchmaker for a scam in which they would sell
the woman to a farmer, collect the fee, then immediately retrieve her. The
barber was first cheated out of the promised reward and now faces life in prison
for selling his wife. Furthermore, the wife preferred the farmer, anyway, and
will not be returning to the barber.
-= the married life =-= 184 =--------------------------------------------------
A warning to the wives of baseball players. No matter HOW ANGRY your husband
makes you, never slap the face of a man chewing tobacco!
-= the married life =-= 185 =--------------------------------------------------
In November 1994, Japan's Economic Planning Agency, in an annual report, called
on Japanese husbands to participate more in family activities. Agency surveys
estimated that 85 percent of husbands "never" help their wives with household
chores, and that younger women, knowing this, are increasingly declining
marriage, resulting in a falling birth rate that alarms the agency.
-= the married life =-= 186 =--------------------------------------------------
There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and
she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're
cheating on me with a bald woman!"
-= the married life =-= 187 =--------------------------------------------------
This old guy who has five children is dying. He asks his wife that is
standing besides him, "My dear wife, be honest with me. I couldn't help but
notice that our son George doesn't look or behave like any of his brothers. Is
he really from me?"
"I want to be honest with you, dear. George is the *only* son that's from
you."
-= the married life =-= 188 =--------------------------------------------------
The People's Insurance Company of China recently, in 1994, began offering a
marriage insurance policy, in which a couple that divorces forfeits all premiums
paid, but a couple that stays together 25, 40, or 50 years stands to gain
substantial dividends.
================================================================================
== IN-LAWS SHOULD BE OUTLAWED ==================================================
-= in-laws should be outlawed =-= 1 =----------------------------------------
How many mothers-in-law does it take to change a light bulb?
A hundred. One to change it and the other ninety nine to say, "I told you so!"
-= in-laws should be outlawed =-= 2 =----------------------------------------
Generally speaking, mothers-in-laws are generally speaking.
-= in-laws should be outlawed =-= 3 =----------------------------------------
When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.
-= in-laws should be outlawed =-= 4 =----------------------------------------
What is the difference between inlaws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted!
or
You can shoot outlaws!
-= in-laws should be outlawed =-= 5 =----------------------------------------
What is the difference between a vulture and your mother-in-law?
Vultures wait until your dead to pick on you.
-= in-laws should be outlawed =-= 6 =----------------------------------------
A person receives a telegram informing about his mother-in-law's death. It also
enquires him whether she should be buried or burnt. He replies, "Don't take
chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes."
-= in-laws should be outlawed =-= 7 =----------------------------------------
I just had the doctor remove an ugly growth from my back. It was my
mother-in-law.
-= in-laws should be outlawed =-= 8 =----------------------------------------
The British had an organization that Americans are now considering adopting. It
seems that in England, they had a men's club, Bachelors' Anonymous. The club
provided a unique way to treat the problem of bachelors wanting to marry. They
send over a mother-in-law in nightgown, hair curlers, and a mud pack.
-= in-laws should be outlawed =-= 9 =----------------------------------------
Happiness is defined as opening your refrigerator to find your mother-in-law's
picture on the milk carton.
-= in-laws should be outlawed =-= 10 =----------------------------------------
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mother-in-law's.
-= in-laws should be outlawed =-= 11 =----------------------------------------
English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law. This is our idea of
useless legislation.
-= in-laws should be outlawed =-= 12 =----------------------------------------
In a local pub...
"Why Steve, you're so depressed today, what's the matter?"
"Ah, well, I have had a quarrel with my mother-in-law. She swore to me she
wouldn't talk to me for a month!!"
"What's then so bad about it? You should celebrate the event!!"
"No, no, see...that was four weeks ago, and today is the last day..."
-= in-laws should be outlawed =-= 13 =----------------------------------------
The following is a variant on a joke once told by Abraham Lincoln:
It seems that a man's mother-in-law needed work so much that she hired out to a
farmer as a scarecrow in his cornfield. She did so well posing as a scarecrow
that she got a bonus for not only keeping the crows away, but they also brought
back all the corn they had stolen the year before!
-= in-laws should be outlawed =-= 14 =----------------------------------------
Sign seen in a small restaurant:
Thanks for visiting.
If you liked the food, send your friends.
Otherwise, send your mother-in-law.
-= in-laws should be outlawed =-= 15 =----------------------------------------
The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have
great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead
of two.
The husband was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm
glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."
-= in-laws should be outlawed =-= 16 =----------------------------------------
A man walks into his psychiatrist's office and says, "Hey doc, you know how we
have been talking about Freudian slips? Well, I had the most amazing one last
night. I was eating dinner with my mother-in-law and I meant to say to her,
"Would you please pass the salt," but instead I said, "You fucking bitch, you've
ruined my life!"
-= in-laws should be outlawed =-= 17 =----------------------------------------
Behind every successful man stands a mother-in-law who always said he'd never
make good.
-= in-laws should be outlawed =-= 18 =----------------------------------------
An elderly woman rushed up the stairs to the church, late for the wedding. An
usher asked to see her invitation.
"I don't have one," she said.
"Well then, are you a friend of the groom?"
"I should say not," snapped the woman, "I'm the bride's mother."
-= in-laws should be outlawed =-= 19 =----------------------------------------
Most husbands are willing to split the blame for their divorce. Half of it for
the wife and half of it to the mother-in-law.
-= in-laws should be outlawed =-= 20 =----------------------------------------
Two cannibals are sitting around the campfire conversing and eating dinner. One
cannibal says to the other, "I really hate my mother-in-law!" The other
cannibal then says, "Well, then just eat the noodles."
-= in-laws should be outlawed =-= 21 =----------------------------------------
A man was traveling down a country road when he saw a large group of people
outside a house. He stopped and asked a person why the large crowd was there.
A farmer replied, "Joe's mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died."
"Well," replied the man, "she must have had a lot of friends."
"Nope," said the farmer, "we all just want to buy his mule."
-= in-laws should be outlawed =-= 22 =----------------------------------------
With all these mother-in-law jokes, just where are the father-in-law jokes?
Nobody seems to know, but the lack of father-in-law jokes seems to indicate just
where the real, actual power rests in resolving family problems.
-= in-laws should be outlawed =-= 23 =----------------------------------------
"Steve," his wife said, while reading the newspaper, "it looks like our
government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military forces. They
are going to eliminate six overaged destroyers."
To which the husband replies, "Sorry to hear that, dear. I'm sure you'll
miss your mother being gone."
-= in-laws should be outlawed =-= 24 =----------------------------------------
1st man: My mother-in-law fell down the stairs the other day.
2nd man: Cellar?
1st man: No, she can be repaired.
-= in-laws should be outlawed =-= 25 =----------------------------------------
It's for my mother-in-law," explained the mourner at the funeral procession.
Tightening the leash, he gestured down at the dog and said, "My Doberman here
killed her."
"Gee...That's terrible," commiserated the spectator. "But... Hmmmm... Is
there anyway you might lend me your dog for a day or so?"
The bereaved son-in-law pointed his thumb over his shoulder and answered,
"Get in line."
-= in-laws should be outlawed =-= 26 =----------------------------------------
John looked up to see his mother-in-law walking toward the front door carrying a
broom. "Tell me," he said to her, "are you going to clean house with it or fly
away on it?"
-= in-laws should be outlawed =-= 27 =----------------------------------------
Did you know that mother-in-law is an anagram for Woman Hitler?
-= in-laws should be outlawed =-= 28 =----------------------------------------
A mother-in-law comes to visit her son-in-law. He opens the door and
exclaims, "Good afternoon, dear! I'm so glad to see you! Haven't seen you for
ages! Come in, please! How long are you gonna stay here?"
"Until you get tired of me!"
"Why, won't you even come in and have some tea?"
-= in-laws should be outlawed =-= 29 =----------------------------------------
A mother-in-law visits her son-in-law before leaving for a trip. They are
sipping coffee and chatting. Suddenly, mother-in-law looks at the clock and
jumps off her chair exclaiming, "My god! It's already three P.M. I'm about to
miss my train!"
She begins to put her clothes on in a hurry. At this moment, the son-in-
law's daughter runs up to her and before he can do anything and announces,
"Don't hurry, granny! Daddy moved the clock two hours ahead!"
================================================================================
== I SURVIVED PARENTHOOD =======================================================
-= i survived parenthood =-= 1 =---------------------------------------------
baby(1) User Commands baby(1)
Name
baby - create new process from two parents
Synopsis
baby -sex m | f [ -name name ]
Description
baby is initiated when one parent process polls another server process through
a socket connection in the BSD version or through pipes in the System V
implementation. baby runs at low priority for approximately forty weeks and
then terminates with a heavy system load. Most systems require constant
monitoring when baby reaches its final stages of execution.
Older implementations of baby did not require both initiating processes to be
present at the time of completion. In those versions, the initiating process
that was not present was awakened and notified of the results upon completion.
It has since been determined that the presence of both parent processes result
in a generally lower system load at completion, and thus current versions of
baby expect both parent processes to be active during the final stages.
Successful completion of baby results in the creation and naming of a new
process. Parent processes then broadcast messages to all other processes,
local and remote, informing them of their new status.
OPTIONS
-sex define the gender of the created process
-name
assign the name name to the new process
EXAMPLES
baby -sex f -name Jacqueline
completed successfully on July 9, 1992 at 9:11pm.
Jacqueline's vital statistics: 8 pounds 3 oz, 20 inches long dark hair. The
parent process, Kim Dunbar, is reportedly doing fine.
BUGS
Despite its complexity, baby only knows one signal, SIGCHLD, (or SIGCLD in the
System V implementation), which it uses to contact the parent processes. One
or both parent processes must then inspect the baby process to determine the
cause of the signal.
The sleep command may not work as expected on either parent process for some
time afterward, as each new instance of baby sends intermittent signals to the
parent processes which must be handled by the parents immediately.
A baby process will frequently dump core, requiring either or both parent
processes to clean up after it.
Despite the reams of available documentation on invoking and maintaining baby,
most parent processes are overwhelmed.
SEE ALSO
cigar(6), dump(5), cry(3).
Sun Release 4.1 Last change: July 6, 1991 1
-= i survived parenthood =-= 2 =---------------------------------------------
Famous Mother Quotes
Original Canonical List created by Russ Neumeier
(formerly of russn@ssec.wisc.edu)
My most memorable one was, after being lightly smacked on the butt and asking,
"What was that for?" "Nothing. DO something and see what you get."
I once got smacked and when I asked, "What was that for?" my mom replied,
"That's for all the things I never found out about."
If you fall out of that tree and break your leg, don't come running to me!
Variation: Cut your legs off in that lawnmower, don't you come running to me!
If you poke your eye out with that thing, don't come looking for me!
You always find things in the last place you look.
Keep doing that with your face and it'll stay that way.
This hurts me more than it hurts you.
Variation: (speaking in time with the spanking)
This(spank) hurts(spank) me(spank) more(spank).....
I want you to go find something for me to spank you with.
Mother to my Father: "He's got my looks and your brains!"
"He's your son!"
I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate.
What were you thinking of?
"Well, I..."
DON'T INTERRUPT ME WHEN I'M TALKING.
Mom, can I...
[Interrupting] If you have to ask the answer is no.
Variation: Mom...
[Interrupting] NO!
Don't look at me, we had a funny looking milkman!
Go ask your father, you're his fault.
Variation: Did you hear what YOUR son did?
Wait till you grow up and have kids of your own!
You're in big trouble when your Father comes home!
If your not home by 6:00, your grounded!
Flush the toilet and wash your hands!
Because I SAID so!
Just because, that's why.
You're grounded.
Just do it, or else.
Eat it, or you can leave the table. (OK! I'm outta here!!!!!)
Variation: "Eat it, or you'll go without" (Sounds good to me!)
If you lose that, I'm taking it away from you!
(at dinner):
"How do you know you don't like it if you haven't tried it?"
Variation: You don't have to like it ... you have to eat it!
Look, your father and I are eating it... This after having many times said, "If
you friends jumped off a cliff, would you do it too?"
Where were you, you were supposed to be home hours ago???
- I da know........
Well you must know. What were you doing???
- Nothing......
You'll spoil your dinner eating that candy
- better than spoiling the candy by eating dinner
ONE..TWO....THREE......FOUR...........
- oh oh, now she means business!!!
Because I said so, that's why. When you get married and have kids you'll
understand.
Never mind me, I'll just stay at home in the dark and listen to the radio. Have
a good time.
No, you can't go barefoot until it gets warmer.
"Hey" is for horses.
If you write the thank you note now, you'll get it over with.
Just hold your nose and you can't taste the cough syrup at all.
Let me kiss it and make it better.
[your first name] [your middle name] [your last name] [many !!!!s]
= Uh oh. You're in trouble!
Carrots are good for your eyes.
But Popeye eats all his spinach!
Here comes the airplane/train (actually, a spoon with a fetid object upon it)!
Eat all your dinner or no dessert.
You COME when I call YOU, you HEAR???!!!
Go to your room and don't come out until I say so.
I'm very disappointed in you.
I can't believe you lost it. You'd lose your head if it wasn't screwed on tight.
No, because if we get a puppy then I'LL end up walking and bathing and feeding
it.
Kootchie coo!
Mind the babysitter. We'll be back soon! Love you! Be good!
Electrical sockets are not for baby.
That's just for looks.
Don't put that UGH!!!! in your MOUTH!
Who squirted toothpaste all over the rug? I'm going to count to three...
Cut it out! I swear you kids are going to drive me crazy one day. That's what
you're doing, isn't it? Trying to drive me crazy!
It's bea--YOO-tiful! Show Daddy! (a crayon artwork masterpiece was displayed
proudly)
No, you did not wash your hands. Nevermind how I know. Now, go wash your hands.
USE SOAP!
NO.
If all your friends jumped off the Eiffel Tower, would you jump too?
God made you WITHOUT holes in your ears/a picture of Ozzy Osbourne on your arm
and until you are 18, you will not have holes in your ears/a man spitting a
bat's head out of his mouth on your arm.
What is that awful racket!? (Metallica being played.)
So, is this your hero or something? (Pointing to picture of Duran Duran with
friends present)
(The wash-your-face-with-spit routine. Oh, MAAAA!)
Sit up straight.
I don't care what the other kids are wearing. No child of mine is going to wear
his pants backwards/a hat inside a house/ a nose ring/ a rattail/ an X shirt/
his shoelaces untied/ underwear on the outside of her clothing/ a mini skirt.
What is it, Halloween?
Eat your beets.
Of course you're going to church.
You can do much better than "C"'s, God gave you a good brain.
Stop slouching.
If you read in the dark, you'll hurt your eyes. (Untrue, but if you read a lot,
you will probably be myopic! Illiterates rarely have myopia.)
Don't slam the door. Come back here and close it nicely.
Do you know what happened to all the cookies?
Don't sit so close to the TV, you'll ruin your eyes!
I don't know how you can read/watch that trash.
In my day, we walked uphill ten miles to school in the snow, BOTH WAYS!
A little hard work never killed anybody.
Rise and shine! The early bird catches the worm!
The other children aren't laughing AT you, they are laughing WITH you!
You tell that bully to leave you alone or you'll tell the teacher on him!
If the teacher ever calls home again, I'll kill ya!
Go to your thinking spot and think about what you did for ten minutes.
(Uses embarrassing nickname in front of your friends.)
I'll tuck you in in just a second.
Stop running in the house!
Did I raise you kids in a barn?
Look at this mess!
Pick up your room, you'd think a little pig lived here.
Kiss Auntie Bertha, she loves you. (Auntie Bertha smells and drools and doesn't
know you exist.)
Hang up your clothes!
Your father is a busy man.
Take out the trash.
What on earth do you need $30 to go to the Mall for??
Don't get lost!
Look both ways before crossing the street.
Watch your little brother for me while I go to the store.
Say You're sorry.
Put it back.
Put that down.
Hold the baby/kitty like THIS, not by its leg/tail.
Come here. Come here. Come here.
I won't tell you again! - good!
When I was a kid seeing a movie cost only 5 cents.
Remember, if you tell daddy, I'll have to kill you.
What's for dinner? - It's a surprise!
Why didn't you go before we got in the car?
I don't care what your friend has, you aren't getting one!
No, and that's final!
One more word out of you kids and there'll be trouble.
Who taught you to sit/walk/talk like that!!!!
Cut it out right this minute.
I have eyes in the back of my head, that's how.
Stop bugging your little sister.
What do you say?
What's the magic word?
Say "excuse me".
Eat your peas. There are children starving in
Bosnia/China/Ethiopia/Russia/India/parts of our great country (USA)
Half begun is half done.
Don't lie to me young man/lady!
Why don't you watch something educational for a change. Like Public Broadcasting
on TV! Mel Torme is on tonight.
What do you mean "Elvis isn't cool"? He was cool when I was a kid! Does that
mean that hula hoops aren't cool anymore either?
Go scrub that paint off your face this instant.
No daughter of mine is going to shave her legs until she's at least thirteen!
(Moral: don't ask!)
That bathing suit's too skimpy, hon. Try this one.
Purple's not your color, you look sallow.
Now son, parkas will never go out of style. See, it matched your wide wale
corduroy trousers with the flares I got you last week!
Cut your hair! You look like a hippie. No son of mine is going to walk around
looking like a Yeti.
Stand up straight and stop slouching.
A little bit of hard work never hurt anyone.
Save a lot, spend a little.
Don't run with that. You'll poke your eye out.
We worried sick!
What will the neighbours think?
What did you DO until 4 AM?"
Is having a good time all you think about?
You're no child of mine!!!
Well...What seems to be the problem with you?
I'm really worried about your grades!
I give you a simple job to do,and you can't even do it!
There are lots of boys who would love to change places with you!
Where did we go wrong?
keep doing that and you'll go blind!
"Still Crying?" Whack!!! "The spanking will continue until YOU STOP CRYING!"
Depressed for no reason? I'll give you a reason to be depressed!
You're going to enjoy this holiday if I have to break every bone in your body!
I'm God Almighty as far as you're concerned! (I.e. do what I say!)
Nothing if you do, HELL if you don't.
This is the worst looking pig stye I have ever seen!
Bill, er John, er..David..uh.. whats your name, get over here!
Do you know how many HOURS I was in labour with you???
I slave for hours over a hot stove and this is the thanks I get?!
Eat it and don't argue, it's good for you.
Whatever doesn't kill you will just make you stronger.
Variation: Shovelling snow/mowing the lawn/(any other back-breaking labour)
builds character!
Do you have to do that? (regarding most tom-boyish activities)
Are you really going to wear that?
I thought these shoes were ugly, so I knew you'd like them.
Honestly, sometimes I think you need Garanimals tags on your clothes.
You're so stubborn, you'd argue with the Pope.
When it's cold outside, don't stick your tongue to metal (I'd *never* thought
of it before...but I was thinking of it now!!!)
It's always fun until somebody gets hurt.
You kid, whatever your name is!
The difference between think and know is, he thinks he's your father, I know I'm
your mother.
Some day I will throw this ridiculous machine (my computer) out of window.
Turn the music off! I SAID TURN THE MUSIC OFF!
I hate computers.
Stop it or I will give you away to the next band of gypsies that come by.
You did WHAT!
"Go tell your father he wants you now."
[in response to the I don't want to wash my hands....]
"Okay, only wash one of them"
[In response to "where is my....?" type questions]
"the uterus is not a homing device."
There'll be tears before bedtime!
You'll have your eye out with that!
When you grow up, I hope you have two, JUST LIKE YOU!!!
Are you sure you're telling the truth? Think hard.
Does it make you happy to know you're sending me to an early grave?
You feel bad? How do you think I feel?
Aren't you ashamed of yourself?
Don't you know any better?
Why did the kitty get run over? It was God's will.
How could you be so stupid?
If that's the worst pain you'll ever feel, you should be thankful.
You can't fool me. I know what you're thinking.
If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all.
When are you going to grow up?
I'm only doing this for your own good.
Why are you crying? Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about.
What's wrong with you?
Someday you'll thank me for this.
You'd lose your head if it weren't attached.
Don't you have any sense at all?
If you keep sucking your thumb, it'll fall off.
Why? Because I said so.
I hope you have a kid just like yourself.
Good children always obey.
Are you lying, or are you just stupid?
Quit acting so childish.
Boys don't cry.
Well, you've ruined everything. Now are you happy?
Oh, grow up.
I'm only doing this because I love you.
In my day we didn't have money to throw around.
We were so poor my sister and I had to share a pair of shoes to get to school,
and half way there we traded so we could hop on the other foot.
Does it look like I'm made of money?
Money doesn't grow on trees you know.
You better pull that bottom lip in,, a pigeon's gonna fly over and poop all over
it, it's hanging out so far.
If you wouldn't put your hand in the way when I spank you, you wouldn't get it
hit with the belt.
That's not music; that's just NOISE!
"Shut your mouth and eat." (Huh??)
(Attributed to John Lennon's Mother): "The guitar is all very well, John, but
you'll never make a living out of it."
Because you are taller than me.
I don't care if the POPE is doing it/going there! You're not!
-= i survived parenthood =-= 3 =---------------------------------------------
Murphy's Laws Of Parenting
A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first, the chicken or the
egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster.
A young child is a noise with dirt on it.
A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing
to do with tires.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Celibacy is not hereditary.
Familiarity breeds children.
For adult education, nothing beats children.
God invented mothers because he couldn't be everywhere at once and God invented
guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once.
Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
Having children will turn you into your parents.
If a child looks like his father, that's heredity; if he looks like a neighbor,
that's environment.
If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look
comfortable.
Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.
Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.
It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.
It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as little
as their parents.
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. - actually from
Erma Bombeck
One child is often not enough, but two children can be far too many.
Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly
underpaid.
The best thing to spend on your children is time.
The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to
the left.
There are three ways to get things done: do it yourself, hire someone to do it,
or forbid your kids to do it.
Those who say they "sleep like a baby" haven't got one.
You can learn many things from children...like how much patience you have.
-= i survived parenthood =-= 4 =---------------------------------------------
While critiquing a survey instrument intended for mothers of infants less than
one year old, I came across the following question:
Have you ever breast fed your baby?
a) Yes b) No c) Don't know
"Don't know"? Huh?
-= i survived parenthood =-= 5 =---------------------------------------------
A wise man once said that having children is hereditary. Which is tantamount to
saying: If your parents didn't have children, chances are you won't either.
-= i survived parenthood =-= 6 =---------------------------------------------
My husband has always taken the time to make love to me in a very romantic
atmosphere. In fact, all our kids were conceived during Miller Lite commercials.
-= i survived parenthood =-= 7 =---------------------------------------------
All children who entered the world in the 1980s and later were born with a
special mutated gene that enables them to know which buttons to push on
electronic gadgets. - Kathy Davis-Vrbas in her weekly "branching out" column
entitled (this week) "We're sorry we can't come to the phone right now..." as it
appeared in the January 27th issue of the Rawlins County (Kansas) Square Deal.
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