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Canonical List Of Business And Sales Humor (Business As Unusual)
Archive-Name: business [plain text version]
business.html [HTML Web version]
Last-Modified: 95/03/01
Version: 3.01
Total-Joke-Count: 306
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CONTENTS
LAWS AND ONE-LINERS
OFFICE AND WORK HUMOR
BUSINESS HUMOR
SALES HUMOR
STRESS HUMOR
================================================================================
== LAWS AND ONE-LINERS =========================================================
-= laws and one-liners =-= 1 =-----------------------------------------------
Murphy's Laws (and other nuggets of wisdom)
Murphy's First Law: Nothing is as easy as it looks.
Murphy's Second Law: Everything takes longer than you think.
Murphy's Third Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Murphy's Fourth Law: If there is a possibility of several things going wrong,
the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
Murphy's Fifth Law: If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
Murphy's Sixth Law: If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which
a procedure can go wrong and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared
for, will promptly develop.
Murphy's Seventh Law: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Farnsdick's corollary: After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle
will repeat itself.
Murphy's Eight Law: If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
overlooked something.
Murphy's Ninth Law: Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
Murphy's Tenth Law: Mother Nature is a bitch.
Murphy's Eleventh Law: It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because
fools are so ingenious.
A 300 dollar picture tube will protect a 10 cent fuse by blowing first.
A President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to
lay down your life for his country.
A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new
sense.
A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.
A bureaucracy is like a septic tank, all the really big shits float to the top.
A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
A bird in the hand is always safer than one overhead.
A bird in the hand is dead.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
A boss with no humor is like a job that is no fun.
A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. - Milton Berle
A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes
individually. - Abba Eban
A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first
time.
A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to
walk. - Franklin D. Roosevelt
A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home.
A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not take place.
A couple of months in the lab can often save a couple of hours in the library.
A crisis is when you cannot say "let's just forget the whole thing."
A day without sunshine is like night.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you look
forward to the trip.
A disagreeable task is its own reward.
A donkey is a horse designed by a study team.
A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
A flying particle will seek the nearest eye.
A fool and his money are soon elected.
A fool and his money stabilize the economy.
A free agent is anything but.
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
A geophysicist is not drunk as long as he can hang onto a single blade of grass
and not fall off the face of the earth.
A good scapegoat is hard to find.
A good slogan can stop analysis for fifty years.
A good solution can be successfully applied to almost any problem.
A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
A little ambiguity never hurt anyone.
A little humility is arrogance.
A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation.
A little ignorance can go a long way.
A man of quality does not fear a woman seeking equality.
A man should be greater than some of his parts.
A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, but to protect the writer.
A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the pants.
A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to put in his mouth.
A penny saved has not been spent.
A penny saved is an economic breakthrough.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
A problem cannot be solved using the same level of thinking that created it. (In
other words, if you screw it up, you can't fix it.)
A real person has two reasons for doing anything...a good reason and the real
reason.
A short cut is the longest distance between two points.
A short line outside a building becomes a long line inside.
A stagnant science is at a standstill.
A theory is better than its explanation.
A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing
first.
A well-adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting
nervous.
Ability is a good thing but stability is even better.
Ability is like a check, it has no value unless it is cashed.
Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it is out of date.) - Stafford Beer
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
According to the official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
Adding manpower to a late software product makes it later.
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
After any unit has been completely assembled, extra components will be found on
the bench.
Afternoon: that part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the
morning.
Aiming for the least common denominator sometimes causes division by zero.
All American cars are basically Chevrolets.
All general statements are false; think about it.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
All generalizations are useless, including this one.
All good things must come to an end, I just want to know when they start!
All great discoveries are made by mistake.
All I ask is the chance to prove that money cannot make me happy.
All inanimate objects can move just enough to get in your way.
All our dreams can come true if we have the courage to pursue them. - Walt
Disney
All probabilities are really 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
All syllogisms have three parts; therefore this is not a syllogism.
All the world is a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
All things being equal, all things are never equal.
All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
All warranties expire upon payment of invoice.
All work and no play, will make you a manager.
Almost everything in life is easier to get into than to get out of.
Always hire a rich attorney.
Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.
Always listen to experts. They'll tell what can't be done and why. Then do it.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn!
Always try to stop talking before people stop listening.
Am I good at delegating? You Bet! I always find someone to blame!
Ambiguity is invariant.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
An executive will always return to work from lunch early if no one takes him.
An error in the premise will appear in the conclusion.
An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
An original idea can never emerge from committee in its original form.
An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
An ounce of pretension is worth a pound of manure.
An ounce of rejection is worse than a pound of "sure".
Any argument carried far enough will end up in semantics.
Any change looks terrible at first.
Any error in any calculation will be in the direction of the most harm.
Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
Any good strategy will seem ridiculous by the time it is implemented. - Dogbert,
in Scott Adams' "Build a Better Life by Stealing Office Supplies: Dogbert's
Big Book of Business"
Any horizontal surface is soon piled up.
Any improbable event which would create maximum confusion.
Any issue worth debating is worth avoiding altogether.
Any landing you can walk away from is a good one.
Any line, however short, is still too long.
Any minimum criteria set will be the maximum value used.
Any producing entity is the last to use its own product.
Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
Any smoothly functioning technology is indistinguishable from a "rigged" demo.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.
Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.
Any theory can be made to fit any facts by means of appropriate additional
assumptions.
Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
Any time you wish to demonstrate something, the number of faults is proportional
to the number of viewers.
Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath to the exact center.
Any wire cut to length will be too short.
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.
Anyone who is popular is bound to be disliked.
Anyone who makes an absolute statement is a fool.
Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator.
- Claude Shouse
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
Anything hit with a big enough hammer will fall apart.
Anything in parentheses can be ignored.
Anything is easier to take apart than to put together.
Anything is possible, but nothing is easy.
Anything labeled "New" and/or "Improved" isn't. The label means the price went
up. The label "All New", "Completely New", or "Great New" means the price
went way up.
Anything that doesn't eat you today is saving you for tomorrow.
Anything that is designed to do more than one thing cannot do any of them well.
Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than you thought.
Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
Appearances are not everything; it just looks like they are.
Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airline encounters turbulence.
As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse.
As they say in Beirut, Shiite happens.
Asking dumb questions is easier than correcting dumb mistakes.
Assumption is the mother of all foul-ups.
At any level of traffic, any delay is intolerable.
Automatic simply means that you can't repair it yourself.
Bad news drives good news out of the media.
Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always point upward from the
floor.
Batman is the hero any of us could be, given determination, exercise, and deep
psychological trauma. - Chris Jarocha-Ernst
Be content with what you've got, but be sure you've got plenty.
Beauty is only skin deep, ugly goes clear to the bone.
Before you give a colleague a piece of your mind, be sure you can spare it.
Being a good communicator means people find out what is really wrong with you.
Believing is seeing.
Better latent than never.
Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose.
Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all evil.
Beware of one who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds themself
no wiser than before. They are full of murderous resentment of people who
are ignorant without having come by their ignorance the hard way. - Sir John
A. MacDonald, Canada's first prime minister
Beware of those wearing suspenders with belts.
Beware the fury of a patient man. - John Dryden
Beware the man of one book. - St. Thomas Aquinas
Beware the wrath of a patient person.
Blessed are those who go around in circles, for they shall be known as wheels.
Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed.
Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it for he shall
enjoy living.
Boldly going forward because we cannot find reverse.
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.
Build something foolproof and every fool will use it.
Bureaucracy: a method for transforming energy into solid waste.
By the time you can make ends meet, they've moved the ends.
By the time you have the right answers, no one is asking you questions.
By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to work twelve
hours a day. - Robert Frost
Cant produces countercant.
Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Chipped dishes never break.
Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce multiple interpretations.
Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money.
Commit suicide. A hundred thousand lemmings cannot be wrong.
Common sense is not so common.
Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. Everyone
thinks he has enough. - Descartes, 1637
Communication with the dead is only a little more difficult than communication
with (Insert Your Favorite Group - Engineering/Financial...)
Competition brings out the best in products and the worst in people.
Complex problems have simple, easy to understand, wrong answers.
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
Confusion creates jobs.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels good.
Conscious is being aware of something; conscience is wishing you weren't.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Cop-out number 1. You should have seen it when I got it.
Create a need and fill it.
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you're doing.
Creditors have better memories than debtors.
Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
Dare to be average.
Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.
Definition of an elephant: A mouse built to government specifications.
Democracy is that form of government where everybody gets what the majority
deserves.
Diplomacy is the ability to tell someone to "go to hell" in such a way that they
look forward to the trip.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you find a large enough rock.
Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.
Do someone a favor and it becomes your job.
Do whatever your enemies do not want you to do.
Doing a good job around here is like wetting your pants in a dark suit; you get
a warm feeling, but nobody notices.
Don't be irreplaceable; if you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.
Don't be so open minded that your brain falls out.
Don't bite the hand that has your paycheck in it.
Don't blame me; nobody asked my opinion.
Don't do today that which can be put off till tomorrow.
Don't force it, get a bigger hammer.
Don't get lost in the shuffle, shuffle along with the lost.
Don't lend people money...it gives them amnesia.
Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash. - Bo Diddley
Don't look back, something may be gaining on you.
Don't make your doctor your heir.
Don't mess with Mrs. Murphy!
Don't permit yourself to get between a dog and a lamppost.
Don't stop to stomp on ants when the elephants are stampeding.
Don't try to have the last word; you might get it.
Don't worry about the sand in the Vaseline, they don't use it anyway.
Due to recent budget cuts and downsizing, the light at the end of the tunnel has
been turned off.
Each problem solved introduces a new unsolved problem.
Eagles may soar, free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.
Early to rise and early to bed makes a man healthy and wealthy and dead.
Easiest way to figure the cost of living: take your income and add ten percent.
Eat the rich. The poor are tough and stringy.
Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average.
Enough research will tend to support your theory.
Entropy has us outnumbered.
Error is often more earnest than truth.
Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.
Even if the grass is greener on the other side: they, like you, still have to
cut it.
Even paranoids have enemies.
Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
Every solution breeds new problems.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Everybody should believe in something, I believe I'll have another beer.
Everybody's gotta be someplace.
Everyone breaks more than the seven-year-bad-luck allotment to cover rotten luck
throughout an entire lifetime.
Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.
Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
Everyone hits a brick wall now and then; the trick is not to do it with your
head.
Everything east of the San Andreas fault will eventually plunge into the
Atlantic Ocean.
Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between.
Everything in moderation, including moderation.
Everything is actually everything else, just recycled.
Everything is always done for the wrong reasons.
Everything put together sooner or later falls apart.
Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
Everything takes longer than you think.
Everything tastes more or less like chicken.
Everything worthwhile is mandatory, prohibited, or taxed.
Everything you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
Excellence can be attained if you care more than others think is wise, risk more
than others think is safe, dream more than others think is practical, expect
more than others think is possible.
Exceptions always outnumber rules.
Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget.
Excuses are like assholes; everybody has one!
Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined.
Experience is something you do not get until just after you need it.
Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
Experiment and theory often show remarkable agreement when performed in the same
laboratory.
Experiments should be reproducible. They should all fail in the same way.
Extremes meet.
Fact without theory is trivia; theory without fact is bullshit.
Familiarity breeds attempt.
Familiarity breeds children.
Far-away talent always seems better than home-developed talent.
Fill what is empty; empty what is full; scratch where it itches.
For every "10" there are 10 "1's".
For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill.
For every idiot proof system devised, a new, improved idiot will arise to
overcome it.
For every problem, there is a neat, plain solution...and it is always wrong.
For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision.
Four-wheel-drive just means getting stuck in more inaccessible places.
Free advice costs nothing until you act upon it.
Free time which unexpectedly becomes available will be wasted.
Freud's 23rd law: ideas endure and prosper in inverse proportion to their
soundness and validity.
Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Frustration is not having anyone to blame but yourself.
Genius is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration.
Geologists do not dress for success unless they are trying to convince others
that they are going on interviews.
Given a bad start, trouble will increase at an exponential rate.
Glory may be fleeting, but obscurity is forever.
Go where the money is.
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.
Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement.
Good listeners are not only popular everywhere, but after awhile they know
something.
Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
Great minds run in great circles.
Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at.
Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Has anyone ever heard of a self-made failure?
Have you flogged your crew today?
He who beats his sword into a plowshare usually ends up plowing for those who
kept their swords.
He who dies with the most toys is still dead.
He who dies with the most toys, wins.
He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit.
He who hesitates is probably right.
He who pulls the oars does not have time to rock the boat.
He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
He who walks in another's tracks leaves no footprints.
Hindsight is an exact science.
History is the science of what never happens twice.
History repeats itself. That is one of the things wrong with history.
I disapprove of every conspiracy of which I am not a part.
I have never found, in long experience, that criticism is ever inhibited by
ignorance.
I have run out of sick leave, so I'm calling in dead.
I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which when you looked at it
in the right way, did not become still more complicated.
I knocked several times, but you weren't in. - Opportunity
I once worked as a salesman and was very independent; I took orders from no one.
I think we should really add to the confusion... Let's call in (Insert Your
Favorite Group - Engineering/Financial...)
I think...therefore I am confused.
I will get it done when I get it done!
I would give $1000 to be a millionaire.
I've got to stop getting fired like this. People will start to think I'm a
drifter. - Lee Iacocca
If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him up.
If a man advances confidently in the direction of his dreams to live the life he
has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. -
Henry David Thoreau
If a program is useful it will be changed, if it is useless, it will be
documented.
If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment.
If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95.
If anything can go wrong, it will.
If anything is used to its full potential, it will break.
If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment.
If at first you don't succeed, blame it on your supervisor.
If at first you don't succeed, cheat!
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, give up. No use being a damn fool.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not your sport.
If at first you don't succeed, transform your dataset.
If at first you don't succeed, try something else.
If at first you don't succeed, well...darn.
If at first you don't succeed, you probably didn't really care anyway.
If at first you don't succeed, you'll get a lot of free advice from folks who
didn't succeed either.
If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.
If at first you don't succeed, your successor will.
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first
woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
If enough data is collected, anything can be proven by statistical methods.
If everything is coming your way, you are probably in the wrong lane.
If everything seems to be going well, you obviously do not know what the hell is
going on.
If everything seems to go right, check your zipper.
If facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
If flattery gets you nowhere, try bribery.
If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
If I your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
If ignorance is bliss, most of us must be orgasmic.
If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, you will borrow it and you will
break it.
If it doesn't make sense, it's either economics or psychology.
If it doesn't work, expand it.
If it happens, it must be possible.
If it is good, they will stop making it.
If it is incomprehensible, it's mathematics.
If it is worth doing, it is worth doing for money.
If it is worth doing, it is worth over-doing.
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
If it looks too good to be true, it is too good to be true.
If it says "one size fits all," it doesn't fit anyone.
If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done.
If it works, don't fix it!
If jackasses could fly, this place would be an airport.
If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at
fault.
If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
If not controlled, work will flow to the competent man until he submerges.
If on an actuarial basis there is a 50-50 chance that something will go wrong,
it will actually go wrong nine times out of ten.
If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be
unreasonable.
If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough.
If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.
If reproducibility might be a problem, conduct the test only once.
If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on vacation.
If something is confidential, it will be left in the photocopy machine.
If something is done wrong often enough, it becomes right.
If 'success' consisted simply of not taking chances, then 'glory' would be at
the disposal of the most mediocre talent.
If the assumptions are wrong, the conclusions are not likely to be very good.
If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
If the probability of success is not almost one, it is damn near zero.
If the slightest probability for an unpleasant event to happen exists, the event
will take place, preferably during a demonstration.
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause
the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
If there isn't a law, there will be.
If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then 9 times out of 10
it will.
If there is light at the end of the tunnel...order more tunnel.
If things were left to chance, they would be better.
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
If we learn by our mistakes, some of us are getting one hell of an education!
If you aim for the stars but only make it to the moon, remember there are people
who have not yet made it to the moon.
If you are already in a hole, there is no use to continue digging.
If you are asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.
If you are coasting, you're going downhill.
If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
If you are given two contradictory orders, obey them both.
If you are not the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
If you are running for a short line, it suddenly becomes a long line.
If you are worried about being crazy, don't be overly concerned. If you were,
you would think you were sane.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you must have someone to blame.
If you cannot convince them, confuse them. - Harry S. Truman
If you cannot dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.
If you cannot fix it, feature it.
If you cannot get your work done in a 24-hour day, then work nights!
If you cannot measure output, then you measure input.
If you cannot hope for order, withdraw with style from the chaos.
If you consult enough experts, you can confirm any opinion.
If you did what you always did, you'll get what you always got.
If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.
If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again.
If you do not care where you are, then you aren't lost.
If you do not change direction, you are likely to end up where you are headed.
If you do not know what you're doing, do it neatly.
If you do not like the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question.
If you do not make dust, you eat dust.
If you do not say it, they can't repeat it.
If you do not understand it, it must be intuitively obvious.
If you explain so clearly that no one can possibly misunderstand, someone will.
If you file it, you'll know where it is but never need it. If you don't file
it, you'll need it but never know where it is.
If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong.
If you have got them by the testicles, their hearts and minds will follow.
If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough, chances are someone
else will do it for you.
If you have to ask, you are not entitled to know.
If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to boot
yourself in the posterior.
If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.
If you keep saying things are going to be bad, you have a chance of being a
prophet.
If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really
make them think they'll hate you.
If you mess with a thing long enough, it will break.
If you plan to leave your mark in the sands of time, you better wear work shoes.
If you put it off long enough, it might go away.
If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of doing you good, you
should run for your life.
If you see that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong,
and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, promptly develops.
If you stand in one place long enough, you make a line.
If you step out of a short line for a second, it becomes a long line.
If you think that OSHA is a small town in Wisconsin, you're in trouble.
If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
If you throw something away, you will need it the next day.
If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it.
If you understand it, it is obsolete.
If you want to be well liked, never lie about yourself, and be careful when
telling the truth about others.
If you want to get along, go along.
If you want to make an enemy, do someone a favor.
If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is because of something
left out, rather than added.
Ignorance is bliss. No wonder I'm so depressed.
Illegitimus non Carborundem: "Don't let the bastards grind you down"
In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, the greater the confusion.
In any calculation, any error which can creep in will do so.
In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level of incompetence, and
then remains there.
In any household, junk accumulates to the the space available for its storage.
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
In every work of genius we recognize our rejected thoughts.
In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it.
In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe is composed of
only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.
In the fight between you and the world, back the world.
Incompetence is a double-edged banana.
Influence is like a savings account. The less you use it, the more you've got.
- Andrew Young, American politician
Inspiration and perspiration are related by more than rhyme.
Intelligence is a tool to be used towards a goal, and goals are not always
chosen intelligently. - Larry Niven 'Protector'
Interchangable parts won't.
Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
Indifference is the only sure defense.
Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
Information travels more surely to those with a lesser need to know.
Information's pretty thin stuff, unless mixed with experience.
Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
Inside every small problem is a larger problem struggling to get out.
Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not
having to go to work today.
Interchangeable parts won't.
Is there life before coffee?
It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick up something from the
floor while you get up.
It doesn't matter whether you win or lose, until you lose.
It is a dog-eat-dog world out there and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear.
It is a poor workman who blames his tools.
It is better to be part of the idle rich class than be part of the idle poor
class.
It is better to remain silent and thought a fool than it is to speak and remove
all doubt. Moral: think before you speak. Or engage the brain when engaging
the mouth.
It is easier to get forgiveness than it is to get permission.
It is easier to take it apart than to put it back together.
It is important to keep an open mind, but not so open that your brains fall out.
It is impossible to build a foolproof system, because fools are so ingenious.
It is incredible how much intelligence is used in this world to prove nonsense.
It is later than you think.
It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
It is not enough to tell me you worked hard to get your gold. The devil works
hard too.
It is not how someone measures up. It is how they measure you.
It is not sufficient to be a success; it is also necessary for your friends to
be failures.
It is not true that life is one damn thing after another, it's one damn thing
over and over.
It is okay to be ignorant in some areas, but some people abuse the privilege.
It is the dead wood that holds up the tree.
It is when you trip over your own shoes that you start picking up shoes.
It isn't that they can't see the solution, it's that they can't see the problem.
It just doesn't get any Beta than this.
It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too good either
if you speak when your head is empty.
It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to
others.
It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong, and an even bigger one to keep his
mouth shut when he's right.
It works better if you plug it in.
It would be nice to be sure of anything the way some people are of everything.
It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
It's always darkest just before it goes pitch black.
It's always darkest just before the lights go out.
It's always the wrong time of the month.
It's better to have loafed and lost than never to have loafed at all.
It's better to retire too soon than too late.
It's difficult to work in a group when you're omnipotent.
It's Good Enough For Government Work.
It's hell to work for a nervous boss, especially if you are why he's nervous!
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
It's Not My Job!
It's not hard to meet expenses; they are everywhere.
It's not how good your work is, it's how well you explain it.
It's not the work that gets me down, it's the coffee breaks.
It's out of my control.
Job placement: Telling your boss what he can do with your job.
Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy".
Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses.
Junk mail arrives the day it was sent.
Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the
ends.
Just about the time when your income gets to the point where food prices don't
matter, calories do.
Just because you are paranoid doesn't mean they are not out to get you.
Just when you get going, someone injects a dose of reality with a large needle.
Just when you get really good at something, you don't need to do it anymore.
Just when you think you've won the rat race, along come faster rats.
Knowledge based on external evidence is unreliable.
Laziness is the mother of nine inventions out of ten.
Leakproof seals will.
Learn to be sincere. Even if you have to fake it.
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Leftover nuts never match leftover bolts.
Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.
Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
Logic can never decide what is possible or impossible.
Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.
Love letters, business contracts, and money due you always arrive three weeks
late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent.
Make dust or eat dust.
Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an
expert.
Many are called, but few are at their desks.
Many quite distinguished people have bodies similar to yours.
Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value.
Maybe I can't make you do it but I sure can make you sorry you DIDN'T!
Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge it.
Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
Men can live without air for a few minutes, without water for a few days,
without food for about two months, and without new thoughts for years on end.
Mere unassisted merit advances slowly, if it advances at all.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Most projects require three hands.
Most well-trodden paths lead nowhere.
Multitasking allows screwing up several things at once.
Murphy was an optimist.
My client(sponsor/customer) doesn't know what he wants.
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
Nature is a mother.
Nature will tell you a direct lie if she can.
Needs are a function of what other people have.
Never argue with a fool, people might not know the difference.
Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a good price.
Never be first to do anything.
Never be last.
Never bet on a loser because you think his luck is about to change.
Never buy from a rich salesman.
Never do anything you wouldn't be caught dead doing.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never eat prunes when you are famished.
Never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.
Never invest in anything that eats.
Never kick a man unless he's down.
Never leave hold of what you've got until you've got hold of something else.
Never needlessly disturb a thing at rest.
Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Never put all your eggs in your pocket.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a law against
it by that time.
Never say "oops" after you have submitted a job.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
Never speculate on that which can be known for certain.
Never tell them what you wouldn't do.
Never try to pacify someone at the height of his rage.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
Never volunteer for anything.
Never wrestle a pig; you both get dirty, and he likes it.
Nice guys finish last but it is lonely at the top.
No experiment is ever a complete failure; it can always be used as a bad
example.
No good deed goes unpunished.
No man is lonely while eating spaghetti.
No man's credit is as good as his money.
No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough.
No matter what happens, there is always somebody who knew that it would.
No matter which direction you start, it's always against the wind coming back.
No matter which way you go, it's always uphill and against the wind.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
No real problem has a solution.
No two identical parts are exactly alike.
Nobody notices the big errors.
Nobody notices when things go right.
Nobody wants to read anyone else's formulas.
Nobody told me.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
Nothing can be done in one trip.
Nothing ever comes out as planned.
Nothing is as easy as it looks.
Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
Nothing is as permanent as that which is called temporary.
Nothing is as temporary as that which is called permanent.
Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
Nothing is ever as simple as it seems.
Nothing is impossible for the man who does not have to do it himself.
Nothing matters very much, and very few things matter at all.
Nothing puzzles me more than time and space; and yet nothing troubles me less.
Of all forces acting on man, change is the most beneficial and the most cruel.
Of two possible events, only the undesired one will occur.
Office Of Precision Guesswork
Old age and treachery shall overcome youth and skill.
Old age is always fifteen years older than you are.
Old programmers never die, they just abend.
On a beautiful day like this, it's hard to believe anybody can be unhappy; but
we will work on it.
On successive charts of the same organization, the number of boxes will never
decrease.
One child is not enough, but two children are far too many.
One good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when to cringe.
One machine can do the work of fifty ordinary men. No machine can do the work
of one extraordinary man. - Elbert Hubbard
One of the greatest labor-saving inventions today is tomorrow.
One of those days? I have one of those lives.
One seventh of your life is spent on Mondays.
One test is worth a thousand expert opinions.
One's life tends to be like a beaver's, one dam thing after another.
Only a bureaucracy can fight a bureaucracy.
Only a fool can reproduce another fool's work.
Only a mediocre person is always at their best.
Only them as knows their own...knows.
Only those who attempt the absurd can acheive the impossible.
Opinions are like assholes; everybody has one, but nobody wants to look at the
other guys.
Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
Other people's tools work only in other people's gardens.
Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails.
Our present business is not to exchange compliments but arguments. - Robert
Boyle, 17th century chemist
People can be divided into three groups: Those who make things happen, those who
watch things happen, and those who wonder what happened.
People do not change, they only become more so.
People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care.
People specialize in their area of greatest weakness.
People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
People who are resistant to change cannot resist change for the worse.
People who complain about the way the ball bounces usually dropped it.
People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of them
being made.
People who think they know everything upset those of us who do.
People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell them Benjamin
Franklin said it first.
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
People will buy anything that is one-to-a-customer.
People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
Perfection is achieved only on the point of collapse.
Performance is directly affected by the perversity of inanimate objects.
Perhaps your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
Persons disagreeing with your facts are always emotional and employ faulty
reasoning.
Pessimists have already begun to worry about what is going to replace
automation.
Pick good people; talent never wears out.
Pills to be taken in twos always come out of the bottle in threes.
Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
Please do not steal, the IRS hates competition!
Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little more time
for dreaming.
Problems worthy of attack prove their worth by hitting back.
Producing a system from a specification is like walking on water; it's easier
if it's frozen.
Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who
must maintain it.
Programming errors which would normally require one day to find will take five
days when the programmer is in a hurry.
Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.
Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
Progress may have been all right once, but it went on too long.
Project Management is like pushing a wheelbarrow of frogs to market.
Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and still come
out ahead.
Quality assurance doesn't.
Quit while your still behind.
Real programmers argue with the systems analyst as a matter of principle.
Real programmers don't announce how many times the operations department called
them last night.
Real programmers don't grumble about the disadvantages of Fortran when they
don't know any other language.
Real programmers don't notch their desks for each completed service request.
Real programmers don't number paragraph names consecutively.
Real programmers print only clean compiles.
Real programmers write readable code, which they then self-righteously refuse to
explain.
Remember the golden rule: Those that have the gold make the rules.
Remember the tea kettle; though up to its neck in hot water, it continues to
sing.
Repetition does not establish validity.
Roses are red violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic and so am I.
Rule of defactualization: information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
SEISLINE prayer: O Lord, grant that we may always be right, for thou knowest we
will never change our minds.
Sanity and insanity overlap a fine gray line.
Say no, then negotiate.
Science is always simple and always profound. It is only the half-truths that
are dangerous.
Science is not a sacred cow. Science is a horse. Don't worship it. Feed it.
Security depends not so much upon how much you have as upon how much you can do
without.
Self-blame constitutes an exquisite form of self-praise. No matter how severe
the adjectives, the conversation remains fixed on oneself. For the last 40
years, all the best people have complained of neurotic disorders. - Lewis
Lapham, in "Money and Class in America" (1988)
Self starters...will not.
Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, as when you find a trout in the
milk.
Some come to the fountain of knowledge to drink, some prefer to just gargle.
Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it.
Some see things as they are and ask 'why?'; I dream of things that never were
and ask 'why not?'" - George Bernard Shaw
Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
Sometimes I think we are alone in the universe. Sometimes I think we are not. In
either case, the thought is quite staggering.
Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
Sometimes you're the bird, and sometimes you're the windshield.
Speak softly and own a big, mean doberman.
Stay in with the outs.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full public view.
Success can be insured only by devising a defense against failure of the
contingency plan.
Success is like a fart. Only your own smells good.
Success is the active process of making your dreams real and inspiring others to
dream. - James Anders Honeycutt
Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
Tact is the art of convincing people that they know more than they do.
Take care to get what you like or you will be forced to like what you get.
Take this job and shove it.
Teamwork is essential; it allows you to blame someone else.
Technology makes it possible for people to gain control over everything, except
over technology.
That which cannot be taken apart will fall apart.
The 5 P's : Preparation Prevents Piss Poor Performance
The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his subordinate's premonitions
only during the postmortems.
The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely proportional to the
subject's true value.
The average man's judgement is so poor, he runs a risk every time he uses it.
The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.
The best laid plans of mice and men are all filed away somewhere.
The best laid plans of mice and men are usually equal.
The best photos are generally attempted through the lens cap.
The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.
The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a
match.
The best way to realise your dreams is to wake up.
The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.
The business plan you prepare must be a lie; but it must be a detailed and
precise lie rather than a vague and general lie.
The business world worships mediocrity. Officially, we revere free enterprise,
initiative, and individuality. Unofficially, we fear it.
The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to...to...uhh...
The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly
proportional to the cost of the carpet.
The chaos in the universe always increases.
The chief cause of problems is solutions.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket.
The deadline is one week after the original deadline.
The deficiency will never show itself during the test run.
The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.
The difference between a stepping stone and a stumbling block can be when you
see it.
The difference between art and science is that if something works in art, you
don't have to explain why.
The difficulty with a research grant is that if you solve the problem, you're
out of a job.
The early bird who catches the worm usually works for someone who comes in late
and owns the worm farm.
The early worm deserves the bird.
The easier it is to do, the harder it is to change.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
The elevator always comes after you have put down your bag.
The explanation of a disaster will be made by a stand-in.
The factory of the future will have only two employees, a man and a dog. The
man will be there to feed the dog. The dog will be there to keep the man
from touching the equipment.
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
The farther away the future is, the better it looks.
The faster the plane, the narrower the seats.
The final test is when it goes production ...
W h e n i t g o e s p r o d u c t i o n ...
W h e n i t g o e s p r o d u c t
W h e n i t g o e s p r
The first 90 percent of the task takes 90 percent of the time, the last 10
percent takes the other 90 percent.
The first myth of management is that it exists; the second myth of management is
that success equals skill.
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all of the parts.
The first time is for love, the next time is $200.
The floggings will continue until morale improves.
The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. - Eleanor
Roosevelt
The hardest thing in life to learn is which bridge to cross and which to burn.
The hardness of the butter is in inverse proportion to the softness of the
bread.
The hidden flaw never remains hidden.
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled.
The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found in the area where the
highest overtime rates lie waiting.
The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train.
The longer the title the less important the job.
The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame
it on.
The meek shall inherit the earth, but only after we're done with it.
The meek shall inherit the earth, but not it's mineral rights.
The moment for calm and rational discussion is past; now is the time for
senseless bickering.
The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs.
The more directives you issue to solve a problem, the worse it gets.
The more ridiculous a belief system, the higher probability of its success.
The more things change, the more they stay insane.
The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you
have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing
nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.
The more trivial your research, the more people will read it and agree.
The more vital your research, the less people will understand it.
The more you run over a cat, the flatter it gets.
The most important item in an order will no longer be available.
The most interesting results happen only once.
The most savage controversies are those about matters as to which there is no
good evidence either way.
The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.
The number of people watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your
action.
The obscure a bureaucrat may see eventually; the completely apparent takes
forever.
The obscure we see eventually; the completely apparent takes a little longer.
The one item you want is never the one on sale.
The one thing that money can not buy is poverty.
The one who does the least work will get the most credit.
The one who says it can't be done should never interrupt the one doing it.
The one you want is never the one on sale.
The only important information in a hierarchy is who knows what.
The only knowledge that can hurt you is the knowledge you don't have.
The only real errors are human errors.
The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it is unfamiliar
territory.
The only sense that is common in the long run is the sense of change. We
instinctively avoid it.
The only time to be positive is when you are positive you are wrong.
The organization of any program reflects the organization of the people who
developed it.
The other line always moves faster.
The paperless office will become a reality about the same time as the paperless
toilet.
The person not here is the one working on the problem.
The phone will not ring until you leave your desk and walk to the other end of
the building.
The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your
action.
The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the strong, but that's the
way to bet.
The ratio of time involved in work to time available for work is usually about
0.6.
The repairman will never have seen a model quite like yours before.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions and littered with sloppy
analysis.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
The simplest subjects are the ones you don't know anything about.
The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
The solving of a problem lies in finding the solvers.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up!
The squeaky wheel doesn't always get the grease; sometimes it gets replaced.
The stomach expands to accommodate the amount of junk food available.
The success of any venture will be helped by prayer, even in the wrong
denomination.
The sun goes down just when you need it the most.
The tasks and chores that get rewarded, get done first.
The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your keys.
The tough part of a Data Processing Manager's job is that users don't really
know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.
The trouble with doing right the first time is that nobody appreciates how
difficult it was!
The two greatest causes of system failures are sysadmins and users. If you can
keep both of these groups away from your machines, the reliability increases
dramatically.
The usefulness of any meeting is in inverse proportion to the attendance.
The trick is to stop thinking it is 'your' money. - IRS auditor
The trouble with life is that it's a do-it-yourself kit without instructions.
The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
The workbench is always untidier than last time.
The worse your line is tangled, the better is the fishing around you.
The yoo-hoo you you-hew into the forest is the yoo-hoo you get back.
There are no rules around here. We're trying to accomplish something. - Thomas
Edison, remarking about his laboratory
There are no winners in life...only survivors.
There are only two forces that unite men, fear and self-interest...Napoleon
There are three ways to get things done: do it yourself, hire someone to do it,
or forbid your kids to do it.
There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those
who talk a lot.
There are two rules for success in life: Rule 1 - Don't tell people everything
you know.
There are two things on earth that are universal: hydrogen and stupidity.
There are two ways to slide easily through life: to believe everything or to
doubt everything; both ways save us from thinking.
There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing
about.
There has been opposition to every innovation in the history of man, with the
possible exception of the sword.
There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan
for.
There is a right way, a wrong way, and my way to do everything.
There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
There is always one more bug.
There is always one more idiot than you counted on.
There is no evidence to support the notion that life is serious.
There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrnog.
There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrrong.
There is no limit to how bad things can get.
There is no limit to the amount of good that people can accomplish, if they
don't care who gets the credit.
There is no problem a good miracle can't solve.
There is no problem so large that it cannot be solved by the application of a
correctly chosen thermonuclear device.
There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.
There is no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
There is no such thing as a "dirty capitalist", only a capitalist.
There is no such thing as instant experience.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
There is nothing so habit-forming as money.
There is nothing so small that it can't be blown out of proportioN.
There is never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over.
There is one big difference between genius and stupidity; genius has limits.
Things are more like today than they ever were before.
Things could be worse; suppose your errors were counted and published every day,
like those of a baseball player.
Things get worse under pressure.
Things go right so they can go wrnog.
Thinking is hard work. One can't bear burdens and ideas at the same time.
This "law" has been intentionally left blank.
This "law" was inadvertently left blank.
This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists and not enough
hunchbacks.
This space for rent.
Those most opposed to serving on committees are made chairmen.
Those who live closest arrive latest.
Those with the best advice offer no advice.
To achieve the impossible, one must think the absurd; to look where everyone
else has looked, but to see what no one else has seen.
To attract maximum attention, it's hard to beat a good, big, dumb mistake.
To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
To err is human. To admit it is a blunder.
To err is human. To blame it on someone else is even more human.
To err is human. To blame it on someone else is politics.
To err is human. To forgive is simply not company policy.
To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three men, two
of them absent.
To know yourself is the ultimate form of aggression.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Too light for heavy work and too heavy for light work.
Treat people as if they are what they ought to be, and you help them to become
what they are capable of being.
Trust everybody...then cut the cards.
Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good.
Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
Two heads are more numerous than one.
Two monologues do not make a dialogue.
Two rules to success in life: 1. Don't tell people everything you know.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Unemployment helps stretch your coffee break.
Unless absolutely essential, borrowing to buy a depreciating asset is dumb.
Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will reject the
proposal.
Unless you intend to kill him immediately; never kick a man in the testicles,
not even symbolically or perhaps especially not symbolically.
Urgency varies inversely with importance.
Usefulness is inversely proportional to its reputation for being useful.
Virtue is its own punishment.
Wasting time is an important part of living.
We all want progress, but if you're on the wrong road, progress means doing an
about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who
turns back soonest is the most progressive. - C.S. Lewis
We are often most in the dark when we are the most certain, and most enligthened
when we are the most confused.
We don't have the time or money to do it right, but we'll have time and money to
do it over again.
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.
We sometimes get all the information, but we refuse to get the message.
We'll worry about that when we get there.
We're making progress. Things are getting worse at a slower rate.
We've always done it that way!
Wet manure is slippery. - OSHA discovery
What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
What you don't do is always more important than what you do.
What you resist, you become.
Whatever goes around, comes around.
Whatever happens, look as if it were intended.
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
When a broken appliance is demonstrated for the repairman, it will work
perfectly.
When a lie fails, the truth saves what remained.
When a politician gets an idea, he usually gets it wrong.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
When all else fails, try the boss's suggestion.
When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate. When in charge, ponder.
When in doubt, predict that the present trend will continue.
When in doubt, take all the time you need to get all the facts, or all the time
you have, whichever is less.
When in doubt, use brute force.
When in trouble, delegate.
When it gets to be your turn, they change the rules.
When it's you against the world, bet on the world.
When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade.
When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity. For every
week you are away and get nothing done, there is another week when your boss
is away and you get twice as much done.
When reviewing your notes for a test, the most important ones will be illegible.
When someone says this is as bad as it can get, don't bet on it.
When there are sufficient funds in the checking account, checks take two weeks
to clear. When there are insufficient funds, checks clear overnight.
When you don't have an education, you've got to use your brains.
When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will fall nearby, while
all other coins will roll out of sight.
When the going gets tough, the smart get sneaky.
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system will perform
perfectly.
When they want it bad (in a rush), they get it bad.
When things are going well, someone will inevitably experiment detrimentally.
When working hard, be sure to get up and retch every so often.
When working on a project, if you put away a tool that you're certain you're
finished with, you will need it instantly.
When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the
answer, provided of course you know that there is a problem.
When you are confronted by any complex social system, such as an urban center or
a hamster, with things about it that you're dissatisfied with and anxious to
fix, you cannot just step in and set about fixing with much hope of helping.
This realization is one of the sore discouragements of our century. Jay
Forrester has demonstrated it mathematically, with his computer models of
cities in which he makes clear that whatever you propose to do, based on
common sense, will almost inevitably make matters worse rather than better.
You cannot meddle with one part of a complex system from the outside without
the almost certain risk of setting off disastrous events that you hadn't
counted on in other, remote parts. If you want to fix something you are first
obliged to understand, in detail, the whole system, and for very large
systems you can't do this without a very large computer. Even then, the
safest course seems to be to stand by and wring hands, but not to touch.
Intervening is a way of causing trouble. - Lewis Thomas, from the essay "On
Meddling" in the collection "The Medusa and the Snail", The Viking Press, New
York, 1979
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
When you are right be logical, when you are wrong befuddle.
When you are sure you're right, you have a moral duty to impose your will upon
anyone who disagrees with you.
When you are up to your butt in alligators, it is difficult to keep your mind on
the fact that your primary objective was to drain the swamp.
When you are up to your nose in #!&?, be sure to keep your mouth shut.
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.
When your opponent is down, kick him.
Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.
Where you stand depends on where you sit.
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of
misery.
Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office automation?
Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are horses?
- G. Gordon Liddy
Why worry about tomorrow? We may not make it through today.
Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything.
Wisdom consists of knowing when to avoid perfection.
Wisdom is what's left after we've run out of personal opinions.
Without data, yours is just another opinion.
Work hard and save your money and when you are old you will be able to buy the
things only the young can enjoy.
Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of
incompetence.
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
Work may be the crabgrass of life, but money is still the water that keeps it
green.
You can always find what you're not looking for.
You can fool some of the people and really piss them off.
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of
the time, but you can make a fool of yourself any time.
You can fool all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the
time, and that should be sufficient for most purposes.
You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.
You can observe a lot just by watching.
You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickles in the
machine.
You can't fall off the floor.
You can't get here from there.
You can't guard against the arbitrary.
You can't outtalk a man who knows what he's talking about.
You can't push a rope.
You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step into it.
You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
You can't win. You can't break even. You can't quit the game.
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
You get the most of what you need the least.
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot today.
You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue; agree with him.
You never find an article until you replace it.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
You never want the one you can afford.
You remember to mail a letter only when you're nowhere near a mailbox.
You want it when?
You will always find something in the last place you look.
You will remember that you forgot to take out the trash when the garbage truck
is two doors away.
You won't skid if you stay in a rut.
You're not drunk if you can lay on the floor without holding on.
Your own car uses more gas and oil than anyone else's.
Yuppie pregnant women don't go into labor, they go straight into management.
-= laws and one-liners =-= 2 =-----------------------------------------------
Acheson's Rule Of The Bureaucracy: A memorandum is written not to inform the
reader, but to protect the writer. - Dean Acheson
Action's Law: Power tends to corrupt; absolute power corrupts absolutely.
Adler's Distinction: Language is all that separates us from the lower animals,
and from the bureaucrats.
Advertising Rule: In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince
the reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly, that it is
curable.
Air Force Inertia Axiom: Consistency is always easier to defend than
correctness.
Allen's Distinction: The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf
won't get much sleep. - Woody Allen
Albrecht's Law: Social innovations tend to the level of minimum tolerable
well-being.
Alden's Laws: (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause of
pregnancy. (2) Always be backlit. (3) Sit down whenever possible.
Andrea's Admonition: Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you.
If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you, it isn't and he can.
Anthony's Law of Force: Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least
accessible corner or the workshop. Corollary: On the way to the corner, any
dropped tool will first always strike your toes.
Approval Seeker's Law: Those whose approval you seek the most give you the
least. - Washington writer Rozanne Weissman
The Aquinas Axiom: What the gods get away with, the cows don't.
Army Axiom: Any order that can be misunderstood has been misunderstood.
Arnold's Laws of Documentation: (1) If it should exist, it doesn't. (2) If it
does exist, it's out of date. (3) Only documentation for useless programs
transcends the first two laws.
Astrology Laws: It's always the wrong time of the month. - Rozanne Weissman
Avery's Rule of Three: Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working
around the house the next job after a series of three is not the fourth job -
it's the start of a brand new series of three.
Baer's Quartet: What's good politics is bad economics; what's bad politics is
good economics; what's good economics is bad politics; what's bad economics is
good politics. - Eugene Baer (Baer also allows that it can be restated somewhat
more compactly as "What's good politics is bad economics and vice versa, vice
versa.")
Bagdikian's Observation: Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average
American newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a
ukelele.
Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry: A block grant is a solid mass of money
surrounded on all sides by governors.
Baker's Law: Misery no longer loves company, Nowadays it insists on it. -
Columnist Russell Baker
Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb: The hippo has no sting, but the wise man
would rather be sat upon by the bee.
Barker's Proof: Proofreading is more effective after publication.
Becker's Law: It is much harder to find a job than to keep one. - Jules Becker
& Co. (Becker goes on to claim that his law permeates industry as well as
government, "...once a person has been hired inertia sets in, and the employer
would rather settle for the current employee's incompetence and idiosyncrasies
than look for a new employee.")
Belle's Constant: The ratio of time involved in work to time available for work
is about 0.6. - from a 1977 JIR article of the same title by Daniel McIvor and
Olsen Belle, in which it is observed that knowledge of this constant is most
useful in planning long-range projects. It is based on such things as an
analysis of an eight hour workday in which only 4.8 hours are actually spent
working (or 0.6 of the time available), with the rest being spent on coffee
breaks, bathroom visits, resting, walking, fiddling around, and trying to
determine what to do next.
Bennett's Laws of Horticulture: (1) Houses are for people to live in. (2)
Gardens are for plants to live in. (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant.
Berkeley's Laws: (1) The world is more complicated than most of our theories
make it out to be. (2) Ignorance is no excuse. (3) Never decide to buy
something while listening to the salesman. (4) Most problems have either many
answers or no answer. Only a few problems have a single answer. (5) Most
general statements are false, including this one. (6) An exception - test a
rule; it never proves it. (7) The moment you have worked out an answer, start
checking it; it probably isn't right. (8) If there is an opportunity to make a
mistake, sooner or later the mistake will be made. (9) Check the answer you
have worked out once more - before you tell anybody. - Edmund C. Berkeley
Berra's Law: You can observe a lot just by watching. - Yogi Berra
Bierman's Laws of Contracts: (1) In any given document, you can't cover all the
"what if's". (2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what
if's". (3) Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's".
Billing's Law: Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.
- Josh Billings
Billings Phenomenon: The conclusions of most good operations research studies
are obvious. - Robert E. Machol (The name refers to a well-known Billings story
in which a farmer becomes concerned that his black horses are eating more than
his white horses. He does a detailed study of the situation and finds that he
has more black horses than white horses, Machol points out.)
Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation: The judge's jokes are always funny.
Blutarsky's Axiom: Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to
reason.
Bolton's Law Of Ascending Budgets: Under current practices, both expenditures
and revenues rise to meet each other, no matter which one may be in excess.
- Joe Bolton, Fellow of the RAND Graduate Institute
Bonafede's Revelation: The conventional wisdom is that power is an aphrodisiac.
In truth, it's exhausting. - Dom Bonafede in a February, 1977 article in the
Washington Post entitled "Surviving in Washington"
Boren's Laws Of The Bureaucracy: (1) When in doubt, mumble. (2) When in
trouble, delegate. (3) When in charge, ponder. - James H. Boren, Founder,
President and Chairperson of the Board of the International Association of
Professional Bureaucrats [INATAPROBU]
Boucher's Observation: He who blows his own horn always plays the music several
octaves higher than originally written.
Bove's Theorem: The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal
increases as the deadline approaches.
Boyle's Laws: (1) The success of any venture will be helped by prayer, even in
the wrong denomination. (2) When things are going well, someone will inevitably
experiment detrimentally. (3) The deficiency will never show itself during the
dry runs. (4) Information travels more surely to those with a lessor need to
know. (5) An original idea can never emerge from committee in the original.
(6) When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system will perform
perfectly. (7) The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket by the
paper clip of the overlying correspondence and go to file. (8) Success can be
insured only by devising a defense against failure of the contingency plan. (9)
Performance is directly affected by the perversity of inanimate objects. (10)
If not controlled, work will to the competent man until he submerges. (11) The
lagging activity in a project will invariably be found in the area where the
highest overtime rates lie waiting. (12) Talent in staff work or sales will
recurringly be interrupted as managerial ability. (13) The "think positive"
leader tends to listen to his subordinates' premonitions only during the
postmortems. (14) Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce
multiple interpretations. (15) On successive charts of the same organization
the number of boxes will never decrease. - Charles P. Boyle, Goddard Space
Flight Center, NASA
Bradley's Bromide: If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a
committee; that will do them in.
Brady's First Law of Problem Solving: When confronted by a difficult problem,
you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone
Ranger have handled this?"
Brien's First Law: At some time in the life cycle of virtually every
organization, its ability to succeed in spite of itself runs out.
Brilliant's Law Of Limited Ambition: If you can't learn how to do it well, learn
how to enjoy doing it poorly.
Brilliant's Observation On Modern Art: Not all our artists are playing a joke on
the public. Some are genuinely mad.
Brooke's Law: Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond
recognition.
Bureau Termination, Law of: When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased
out, the number of employees in that bureau will double within 12 months after
the decision is made.
Calkin's Law of Menu Language: The number of adjectives and verbs that are
added to the description of a menu item is in inverse proportion to the quality
of the dish.
Canada Bill Jones's Motto: It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their
money.
Canada Bill Jones's Supplement: A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
Captain Penny's Law: You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some
of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
Carlson's Consolation: Nothing is ever a complete failure; it can always serve
as a bad example.
Carson's Observation on Footwear: If the shoe fits, buy the other one, too.
Chism's Law of Completion: The amount of time required to complete a government
project is precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it.
Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law: When things just can't
possibly get any worse, they will.
Churchill's Commentary on Man: Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but
most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly: The perversity of nature is
nowhere better demonstrated than by the fact that, when exposed to the same
atmosphere, bread becomes hard while crackers become soft.
Cohn's Law: The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the
less time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend all
your time reporting on the nothing you are doing.
Colvard's Logical Premises: All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will
happen or it won't.
Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary: This is especially true when dealing with
someone you're attracted to.
Conway's Law: In any organization, there will always be one person who knows
what's going on; this person must be fired. Corollaries: 1. Nobody whom you ask
for help will see it. 2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
Cooke's Law: In any decision situation, the amount of relevant information
available is inversely proportional to the importance of the decision.
Correspondence Corollary: An experiment may be considered a success if no more
than half of your data must be discarded to obtain correspondence with your
theory.
Cropp's Law: The amount of work done varies inversely with the amount of time
spent in the office.
Bo Diddeley's Observation On The Law: Always take a lawyer with you, and bring
another lawyer to watch him.
Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom: Project teams detest weekly progress
reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress.
Deadline-Dan's Demo Demonstration: The higher the "higher-ups" are who've come
to see your demo, the lower your chances are of giving a successful one.
Demian's Observation: There is always one item on the screen menu that is
mislabeled and should read "Abandon hope all ye who enter here".
DeVries's Dilemma: If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want
hits the paper.
Dr. Caligari's Comeback: A bad sector disk error occurs only after you've done
several hours of work without performing a backup.
Hugh Downs' Four Rules for Investigating the Universe: Rule 1 - When confronted
with an apparent infinite or infinitely repeating pattern, expect some variant
that keeps it from being infinite. Rule 2 - When all investigation supports
Rule 1, look for a situation which violates it. Rule 3 - Be prepared for an
infinite oscillation between Rules 1 and 2. Rule 4 - Apply Rule 1.
Drew's Law of Highway Biology: The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands
directly in front of your eyes.
Ducharme's Axiom: If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
yourself as part of the problem.
Ducharme's Precept: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
Emersons' Law of Contrariness: Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make
us do what we can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.
Estridge's Law: No matter how large and standardized the marketplace is, IBM can
redefine it.
Fett's Law: Never replicate a successful experiment.
Fifth Law of Applied Terror: If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget
your book. Corollary: If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where
you live.
Fifth Law of Procrastination: Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the
feeling that there is nothing important to do.
Finagle's Creed: Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
Finagle's Laws: 1) Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only
makes it worse. 2) No matter what results are expected, someone is always
willing to fake it. 3) No matter what the result, someone is always eager to
misinterpret it. 4) No matter what results occur, someone believes it happened
according to his pet theory. 5) If an experiment works, something has gone
wrong. 6) In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond
all need of checking, is the mistake. 7) The perversity of the universe tends
toward a maximum. 8) Do not merely believe in miracles; rely on them.
Finagle's Law Of Government Contracting: Dealing with the government is like
kicking a 300-pound sponge.
Finagle's Law Of Military Superiority: The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
Finagle's Rules: 1) To study an application best, understand it thoroughly
before you start. 2) Always keep a record of data. It indicates you've been
working. 3) Always draw your curves, then plot the reading. 4) In case of
doubt, make it sound convincing.
First Law of Bicycling: No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against
the wind.
First Law of Procrastination: Procrastination shortens the job and places the
responsibility for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who
imposed the deadline).
First Law of Socio-Genetics: Celibacy is not hereditary.
First Rule of History: History doesn't repeat itself; historians merely repeat
each other.
Flo Capp's Observation: The next best thing to doing something smart is not
doing something stupid.
Flon's Law: There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is the
least bit difficult to write bad programs.
Flucard's Corollary: Anything dropped in the bathroom falls in the toilet.
Flugg's Law: When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the world
is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum.
Fourth Law of Applied Terror: The night before the English History mid-term,
your Biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. Corollary: Every
instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that
instructor's course.
Fourth Law of Revision: It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about
interferences; if you have none, someone will make one for you.
Franklin's Rule: Blessed is the end user who expects nothing, for he/she will
not be disappointed.
Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem: Every major philosophy that attempts
to make life seem meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
Theorem. To wit: 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. 2.
Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even. 3. Mysticism is
based on the assumption that you can quit the game.
Fresco's Discovery: If you knew what you were doing, you'd probably be bored.
Fudd's First Law of Opposition: Push something hard enough and it will fall
over.
Galbraith's Law of Human Nature: Faced with the choice between changing one's
mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on
the proof.
Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics: 1. An object in motion will always be
headed in the wrong direction. 2. An object at rest will always be in the wrong
place. 3. The energy required to change either one of these states will always
be more than you wish to expend, but never so much as to make the task totally
impossible.
Gilb's Laws Of Unreliability: 1) At the source of every error which is blamed
on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of
blaming it on the computer. 2) Any system which depends on human reliability is
unreliable. 3) Udetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to
detectable errors, which by definition are limited. 4) Investment in
reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until
someone insists on getting some useful work done.
Ginsberg's Theorem: 1. You can't win. 2. You can't break even. 3. You can't
even quit the game.
Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability: Investment in reliability will increase
until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on
getting some useful work done.
Glyme's Formula for Success: The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can
fake that, you've got it made.
Goebel's Law Of Useless Difficulty: Just because it's hard, doesn't mean it's
worth the effort.
Goebel's Second Law Of Useless Difficulty: The fastest way to get something done
is to determine that it isn't worth doing.
Goebel's Law Of Computer Support: Troubleshooting a computer over the telephone
is like having sex through a hole in a board fence. It can be done, but it is
neither EASY nor PLEASANT.
Goebel's Law Of Software Compatibility: A statement of absolute functional
equivalence made in bold print followed by several pages of qualifications in
fine.
Goebel's Theorem Of Software Schedules: Always multiply a software schedule by
pi. This is because you think you're going in a straight line but always end up
going full circle.
Goebel's Law Of Product Introductions: A future product release date does NOT
say when a product will be introduced. All it says it that you don't have a
chance in HELL of seeing it before that time.
Goebel's Observation On Utopia: If everyone believed in Peace, they would
immediately begin fighting over the best way to achieve it.
Goebel's Law Of Intellectual Obscurity: What fun is it to be an expert if you
make yourself easy to understand?
Gold's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly
Goldenstern's Rules: 1. Always hire a rich attorney. 2. Never buy from a rich
salesman.
Golden Rule Of Arts And Sciences: Whoever has the gold makes the rules.
Gordian Maxim: If a string has one end, it has another.
Gordon's First Law: If a research project is not worth doing at all, it is not
worth doing well.
Gordon's Object Lifespan Theorem: No matter the amount of care given the
purchased object, it will fuse/explode/disassemble within three days of warranty
expiration.
Gordon's Warranty Law: All warranty clauses expires upon bill payment.
Government's Law: There is an exception to all laws.
Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3, not even for large values of 2.
Gray's Law of Programming: 'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished
in the same time as 'n' tasks.
Green's Law of Debate: Anything is possible if you don't know what you're
talking about.
Greener's Law: Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel.
Grelb's Reminder: Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above
average drivers.
Gummidges's Law: The amount of expertise varies in inverse proportion to the
number of statements understood by the general public.
Gumperson's Law: The probability of a given event occurring is inversely
proportional to its desirability.
H. L. Mencken's Law: Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Martin's
Extension: Those who cannot teach, administrate.
Hacker's Law: The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a
nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
Hall's Laws of Politics: 1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending. 2)
Citizens want honest politicians until they want something fixed. 3)
Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend military spending,
and conservatives social spending in their own districts).
Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by
stupidity.
Hanson's Treatment of Time: There are never enough hours in a day, but always
too many days before Saturday.
Harp's Corollary To Estridge's Law: Your "IBM PC-compatible" computer grows more
incompatible with every passing moment.
Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab: Experience is directly proportional to the
amount of equipment ruined.
Hartley's First Law: You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to
float on his back, you've got something.
Harvard's Law: Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will do as it
damn well pleases.
Hawaiian Rules Of J.W.: 1) Never judge a day by the weather. 2) The best things
in life aren't things. 3) Tell the truth; there's less to remember. 4) Speak
softly and wear a loud aloha shirt. 5) Goals are deceptive; the unaimed arrow
never misses. 6) He who dies with the most toys, still dies. 7) Age is relative;
when you're over the hill, you pick up speed. 8) There are two ways to be rich:
make more or desire less. 9) Beauty is internal; looks mean nothing. 10) No
rain, no rainbows.
Heller's Law: The first myth of management is that it exists.
Hinds' Law Of Computer Programming: 1) Any given program, when running, is
obsolete. 2) If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. 3) If a
program is useless, it will have to be documented. 4) Any given program will
expand to fill all available memory. 5) The value of a program is proportional
to the weight of its output. 6) Program complexity grows until it exceeds the
capability of the programmer who must maintain it. 7) Make it possible for
programmers to write programs in English, and you will find that programmers
cannot write in English.
Hlade's Law: If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person; they will
find an easier way to do it.
Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
Hofstadter's Law into account.
Horngren's Observation: Among economists, the real world is often a special
case.
Hubbard's Law: Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out of it alive.
Hurewitz's Memory Principle: The chance of forgetting something is directly
proportional to...to... uh...
IBM Project Management Axiom: Need for project modifications increases
proportionally to project completion.
Instruction Booklet Governing Principle: Instruction booklets are lost by the
Goods Delivery Service. If not, they are listed in four languages: Japanese,
Thai, Swahili, and Mongol.
Jenkinson's Law: It won't work.
Johnson-Laird's Law: Toothache tends to start on Saturday night.
Johnson's Corollary: Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
organization.
Kramer's Law: You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the
track.
Larkinson's Law: All laws are basically false.
The Last One's Law Of Program Generators: A program generator creates programs
that are more "buggy" than the program generator.
Law Of The Perversity of Nature: You cannot successfully determine beforehand
which side of the bread to butter.
The Law Of The Too Solid Goof: In any collection of data, the figures that are
obviously correct beyond all need of checking contain the errors. Corollary 1:
No one you ask for help will see the error either. Corollary 2: Any nagging
intruder, who stops by with unsought advice, will spot it immediately.
Robert E. Lee's Truce: Judgement comes from experience; experience comes from
poor judgement.
Lieberman's Law: Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter, because nobody listens.
Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law: 'n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'n'
trivial tasks.
Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease,
your nose will begin to itch.
Lynch's Law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
Manly's Maxim: Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion
with confidence.
Mason's First Law of Synergism: The one day you'd sell your soul for something,
souls are a glut.
May's Law: The quality of correlation is inversely proportional to the density
of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.)
Meade's Maxim: Always remember that you are absolutely unique, just like
everyone else.
Mencken's Law: There is always an easy answer to every human problem - neat,
plausible, and wrong.
Muir's Law: When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to
everything else in the universe.
Naeser's Law: You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof.
Newlan's Truism: An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government
economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
Ninety-Ninety Rule Of Project Schedules: The first ninety percent of the task
takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other
ninety percent.
Nolan's Placebo: An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.
Nowlan's Theory: He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from the
next freeway exit.
Oliver's Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
Orben's Packaging Discovery: For the first time in history, one bag of
groceries produces two bags of trash.
Osborn's Law: Variables won't, constants aren't.
Ozman's Laws: (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he
won't. (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make. (3)
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. (4) Pizza always burns
the roof of your mouth.
O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen: Cleanliness is next to impossible
O'Toole's Commentary On Murphy's Law: Murphy was an optimist.
Parkinson's Laws: First Law - Work expands to fill the time available for its
completion. Second Law - Expenditures rise to meet income. Fourth Law - The
number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount
of work to be done. Law of Committees - The amount of time spent by a committee
on an agenda item is inversely proportional to the cost of the item. Fifth Law
- If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good bureaucracy, public
or private, will find it. Sixth Law - Action expands to fill the void created
by human failure.
Peter's Principle: In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to the level
of his incompetence.
Pudder's Law: Anything that begins well will end badly. (Note: The converse of
Pudder's law is not true.)
Putt's Law: Technology is dominated by two types of people: Those who
understand what they do not manage. Those who manage what they do not
understand.
Putts-Brooks Law: Adding manpower to a late technology project only makes it
later.
Quigley's Law: Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will
attempt to use it.
Ralph's Observation: It is a mistake to let any mechanical object realise that
you are in a hurry. Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will
first strike your toes.
Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia: If you think big enough, you'll never have
to do it.
Rhode's Corollary To Hoare's Law: Inside every complex and unworkable program
is a useful routine struggling to be free.
Ross's Law: Bare feet magnetise sharp metal objects so they always point upwars
from the floor-especially in the dark.
Rudin's Law: In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative
courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible course.
Rudnicki's Nobel Prize Principle: Only someone who understands something
absolutely can explain it so no one else can understand it.
Rule Of Accuracy: When working toward the solution of a problem it always helps
you to know the answer.
Ryan's Law: Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish
yourself as an expert.
Sattinger's Law: It works better if you plug it in.
Schemmer's Law (Organization & Programs): When an organization faces a 20 year
threat, it responds with 15-year programs, organized with 5-year plans, managed
by 3-year directors, and funded by 1-year appropriations.
Simmons's Law: The desire for racial integration increases with the square of
the distance from the actual event.
SNAFU Equations: 1) Given any problem containing N equations, there will be N+1
unknowns. 2) An object or bit of information most needed will be least
available. 3) Any device requiring service or adjustment will be least
accessible. 4) Interchangeable devices won't. 5) In any human endeavor, once
you have exhausted all possibilities and fail, there will be one solution,
simple and obvious, highly visible to everyone else. 6) Badness comes in waves.
Thoreau's Theories Of Adaptation: 1) After months of training and you finally
understand all of a program's commands, a revised version of the program arrives
with an all-new command structure. 2) After designing a useful routine that
gets around a familiar "bug" in the system, the system is revised, the "bug"
taken away, and you're left with a useless routine. 3) Efforts in improving a
program's "user friendliness" invariable lead to work in improving user's
"computer literacy". 4) That's not a "bug", that's a feature!
Thyme's Law: Everything goes wrong at once.
Universal Technical Document Units Law: Characteristics, specifications,
dimensions, and any other data included in technical documents must be stated in
exotic units, such as "tenth of troy once per barn" for pressures, or "acre
times atmosphere per kilogram" for speeds.
Vail's Second Axiom: The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to
the amount of work already completed.
Vuilleumier's Laws For Building Electronic Prototypes: First Law - Any pre-cut
equipment is too short; this is specially true of optic fiber cables with
expensive connectors at both ends. Second Law - If n electronic components are
required, n-1 are available. Third Law (also known as "Selective Gravitational
Field") - Any tool escaping manipulator's hands will not necessarily follow
Earth's gravitational field, but will land in the most unreachable location in
the prototype, smashing on its way the most expensive component of the
prototype; this will know only one exception if the tool is particularly heavy,
in which case it will land on the manipulator's foot. Fourth Law - When proteup
first, thankfully leaving the fuses intact. Fifth Law - Prototype npn
blackboxes actually hold pnp transistors, and vice-versa. Sixth Law - A quartz
oscillator oscillates at a frequency off the rated one by a minimum of 25%, if
it does oscillate at all. Seventh Law - When the prototype has been fully
assembled according to lab instructions, a minimum of 11 components are left.
Cutler Webster's Law: There are two sides to every argument, unless a person is
personally involved, in which case there is only one.
Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do the work.
Weinberg's Corollary: An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while
sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
Wethern's Law: Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
Whistler's Law: You never know who is right, but you always know who is in
charge.
Whitehead's Law: The obvious answer is always overlooked.
William's Law: There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be
solved by brute strength and ignorance.
Wood's Axiom: As soon as a still-to-be-finished computer task becomes a
life-or-death situation, the power fails.
Woodward's Law: A theory is better than its explanation.
Zall's Laws: First Law - Anytime you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing
you do will be wrong. Second Law - How long a minute is, depends on which side
of the bathroom door you're on.
Zymurgy's First Law Of Evolving System Dynamics
Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a larger can.
-= laws and one-liners =-= 3 =-----------------------------------------------
Augustne's Laws
Norman R. Augustine, president and chief operating officer of Martin Marietta
has written a book (available in paperback) called "Augustine's Laws"in which he
succinctly sums up the pitfalls that confront business managers today.
Law Number I: The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin
with a silk sow. The same is true of money.
Law Number II: If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it
would probably be twice as good as yesterday was.
Law Number III: There are no lazy veteran lion hunters.
Law Number IV: If you can afford to advertise, you don't need to.
Law Number V: One-tenth of the participants produce over one-third of the
output. Increasing the number of participants merely reduces the average output.
Law Number VI: A hungry dog hunts best. A hungrier dog hunts even better.
Law Number VII: Decreased business base increases overhead. So does increased
business base.
Law Number VIII: The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a
cost-estimator is fifth grade arithmetic.
Law Number IX: Acronyms and abbreviations should be used to the maximum extent
possible to make trivial ideas profound...Q.E.D.
Law Number X: Bulls do not win bullfights; people do. People do not win people
fights; lawyers do.
Law Number XI: If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers
would get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty times
as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all the managers would
fly off.
Law Number XII: It costs a lot to build bad products.
Law Number XIII: There are many highly successful businesses in the United
States. There are also many highly paid executives. The policy is not to
intermingle the two.
Law Number XIV: After the year 2015, there will be no airplane crashes. There
will be no takeoffs either, because electronics will occupy 100 percent of every
airplane's weight.
Law Number XV: The last 10 percent of performance generates one-third of the
cost and two-thirds of the problems.
Law Number XVI: In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just
one aircraft. This aircraft will have to be shared by the Air Force and Navy
3-1/2 days each per week except for leap year, when it will be made available to
the Marines for the extra day.
Law Number XVII: Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs
nothing, and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics;i.e., it always increases.
Law Number XVIII: It is very expensive to achieve high unreliability. It is not
uncommon to increase the cost of an item by a factor of ten for each factor of
ten degradation accomplished.
Law Number XIX: Although most products will soon be too costly to purchase,
there will be a thriving market in the sale of books on how to fix them.
Law Number XX: In any given year, Congress will appropriate the amount of
funding approved the prior yearplus three-fourths of whatever change the
administration requests, minus 4-percent tax.
Law Number XXI: It's easy to get a loan unless you need it.
Law Number XXII: If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying
stock, not selling advice.
Law Number XXIII: Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is
currently estimated.
Law Number XXIV: The only thing more costly than stretching the schedule of an
established project is accelerating it, which is itself the most costly action
known to man.
Law Number XXV: A revised schedule is to business what a new season is to an
athlete or a new canvas to an artist.
Law Number XXVI: If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on
each other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance.
Law Number XXVII: Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of
rank.
Law Number XXVIII: It is better to be the reorganizer than the reorganizee.
Law Number XXIX:
Executives who do not produce successful results hold on to their jobs only
about five years. Those who produce effective results hang on about half a
decade.
Law Number XXX: By the time the people asking the questions are ready for the
answers, the people doing the work have lost track of the questions.
Law Number XXXI: The optimum committee has no members.
Law Number XXXII: Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent
means of turning problems into gold, your problems into their gold.
Law Number XXXIII: Fools rush in where incumbents fear to tread.
Law Number XXXIV: The process of competitively selecting contractors to perform
work is based on a system of rewards and penalties, all distributed randomly.
Law Number XXXV: The weaker the data available upon which to base one's
conclusion, the greater the precision which should be quoted in order to give
the data authenticity.
Law Number XXXVI: The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion
dollar contract is about one millimeter per million dollars. If all the
proposals conforming to this standard were piled on top of each other at the
bottom of the Grand Canyon it would probably be a good idea.
Law Number XXXVII: Ninety percent of the time things will turn out worse than
you expect. The other 10 percent of the time you had no right to expect so
much.
Law Number XXXVIII: The early bird gets the worm. The early worm....gets eaten.
Law Number XXXIX: Never promise to complete any project within six months of
the end of the year, in either direction.
Law Number XL: Most projects start out slowly, and then sort of taper off.
Law Number XLI: The more one produces, the less one gets.
Law Number XLII: Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite
testing.
Law Number XLIII: Hardware works best when it matters the least.
Law Number XLIV: Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a
westerly direction, preferably supersonic, crossing time zones to provide the
additional hours needed to fix the broken electronics.
Law Number XLV: One should expect that the expected can be prevented, but the
unexpected should have been expected.
Law Number XLVI: A billion saved is a billion earned.
Law Number XLVII: Two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water. The
other third is covered with auditors from headquarters.
Law Number XLVIII: The more time you spend talking about what you have been
doing, the less time you have to spend doing what you have been talking about.
Eventually, you spend more and more time talking about less and less until
finally you spend all your time talking about nothing.
Law Number XLIX: Regulations grow at the same rate as weeds.
Law Number L: The average regulation has a life span one-fifth as long as a
chimpanzee's and one-tenth as long as a human's, but four times as long as the
official's who created it.
Law Number LI: By the time of the United States Tricentennial, there will be
more government workers than there are workers.
Law Number LII: People working in the private sector should try to save money.
There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable again.
-= laws and one-liners =-= 4 =-----------------------------------------------
Paul Dickson's "The Official Rules", with sequel "The Official Explanations". I
quote from "Gilb's Laws of Reliability":
1) Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
2) Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
3) The only difference between a fool and a criminal is that the fool will
attack a system unpredictably and on a broader front.
4) A system tends to grow in complexity instead of simplicity, until the
resulting unreliability becomes intolerable.
5) Self-checking systems tend to have a complexity in proportion to their
inherent unreliability.
6) The error-detection and -correction capabilities of any system serve as a key
to understanding the types of errors it cannot handle.
7) Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable
errors, which by definition are finite.
8) All real programs contain errors until proved otherwise which is impossible.
9) Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of
errors, or until somebody insists on getting some useful work done.
-= laws and one-liners =-= 5 =-----------------------------------------------
First Law of Advice: The correct advice to give is the advice that is desired.
First Law of Communication: The purpose of the communication is to advance the
communicator.
Second Law of Communication: The information conveyed is less important than the
impression.
First Law of Innovation Management: Change is the status quo.
Second Law of Innovation Management: Management by objectives is no better than
the objectives.
Third Law of Innovation Management: A manager cannot tell if he is leading an
innovative mob or being chased by it.
Second Law of Decision Making: Any decision is better than no decision.
Third Law of Decision Making: A decision is judged by the conviction with which
it is uttered.
Third Law of Survival: To protect your position, fire the fastest rising
employees first.
Fifth Law of Decision Making: Decisions are justified by the benefits to the
organization, but they are made by considering the benefits to the
decision-makers.
Parallels to Murphy's Law: Anyone else who can be blamed should be blamed.
Anything that can go wrong will go wrong faster with computers. Whenever a
computer can be blamed, it should be blamed.
-= laws and one-liners =-= 6 =-----------------------------------------------
I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending their
lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to buy things they
don't need to impress people they dislike. - Emile Henry Gauvreay
-= laws and one-liners =-= 7 =-----------------------------------------------
BOHICA = Bend Over, Here It Comes Again
BOGSAT = Bunch Of Guys Sitting Around Talking = meeting.
-= laws and one-liners =-= 8 =-----------------------------------------------
We, the unwilling, led by the unqualified, have been doing so much, with so
little, for so long, that we are now doing the impossible, for the ungrateful,
with nothing.
-= laws and one-liners =-= 9 =-----------------------------------------------
We, the unwilling, led by the unavailable, are doing the impossible, for the
ungrateful. In fact, we have done so much with so little, for so long, that we
are now qualified to do anything with nothing.
-= laws and one-liners =-= 10 =-----------------------------------------------
Work hard and save your money and when you are old you will be able to buy the
things only the young can enjoy.
-= laws and one-liners =-= 11 =-----------------------------------------------
Theories Of Management
Mushroom Theory - Just keep your employees in the dark and feed them bullshit.
Rain Makers - Reward Rain Makers, not Ark Builders.
Ark Builders - Reward Ark Builders, not Rain Makers.
-= laws and one-liners =-= 12 =-----------------------------------------------
Rule for Managers:
If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as if he had lost
his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him.
-= laws and one-liners =-= 13 =-----------------------------------------------
To estimate the time it takes to do a task: estimate the time you think it
should take, multiply by 2, and change the unit of measure to the next highest
unit. Thus, we allocate 2 days for a one-hour task. - Westheimer's rule (from
"The Art of Computer Systems Performance Analysis" by R. Jain)
-= laws and one-liners =-= 14 =-----------------------------------------------
To err is human; to debug, divine.
To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy.
To iterate is human, to recurse, divine. - L. Peter Deutsch
-= laws and one-liners =-= 15 =-----------------------------------------------
Theory is when you know everything and nothing is working. Organization is when
nothing is working and everyone knows why. Practice is when everything is
working and no one knows why.
-= laws and one-liners =-= 16 =-----------------------------------------------
Take heart, the only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson
Crusoe.
-= laws and one-liners =-= 17 =-----------------------------------------------
When I first started working, I used to dream of the day when I might be earning
the salary I'm starving on now. - from "Humorous Quotes from the Business
World" Successories, Inc.
-= laws and one-liners =-= 18 =-----------------------------------------------
The Information Facts Of Life:
1. Most of the information in organizations, and most of the information people
really care about, isn't on computers. - Thomas H. Davenport, in Saving IT's
Soul: Human-Centered Information Management; The Harvard Business Review:
March-April 1994 pp.119-131
-= laws and one-liners =-= 19 =-----------------------------------------------
Gaius Petronious Arbiter
First century: We trained hard, but it seemed that every time we were beginning
to form into teams, we would be reorganized. I was to learn later in life that
we tend to meet any new situation by reorganizing. And what a wonderful method
it can be for creating the illusion of progress while producing confusion,
inefficiency, and demoralization. - Satyricon
-= laws and one-liners =-= 20 =-----------------------------------------------
Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly
south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold, the sparrow
changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south. After a short time, ice
began to form his on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard almost frozen.
A cow passed by and crapped on this little bird and the sparrow thought it was
the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the
little sparrow began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing
the chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure, he
found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
There are three morals to this story:
1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.
3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
-= laws and one-liners =-= 21 =-----------------------------------------------
The business world worships mediocrity. Officially, we revere free enterprise,
initiative, and individuality. Unofficially, we fear it. - George Lois.
================================================================================
== OFFICE AND WORK HUMOR =======================================================
-= office and work humor =-= 1 =---------------------------------------------
What To Do In Awkward Situations
You are at a business lunch when you are suddenly overcome with an
uncontrollable desire to pick your nose. Since this is definitely a no-no, you:
(a) Pretend to wave to someone across the room and with one fluid motion,
bury your forefinger in your nostril right up to the fourth joint.
(b) Get everyone drunk and organize a nose picking contest with a prize to
the one who makes his nose bleed first.
(c) Drop your napkin on the floor and when you bend over to pick it up, blow
your nose on your sock.
You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January. Your
boss says that nobody but whores and football players live there. He mentions
that his wife is from Green Bay. You:
(a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your name.
(b) Ask what position she played.
(c) Ask if she is still working the streets.
You are having lunch with a prospective employer and are real close to a job
offer. You are also sitting in a restaurant with the Personnel Manager. This
blonde comes walking in and you just can't stop looking. She is a beautiful
thing and your tongue sloops out and you start drooling onto your Italian silk
tie. You divert the Personnel managers' attention to the blonde and tell him
all the devious things you would do to her if you could get her alone. She
walks straight your way and introduces herself as the Personnel manager's
daughter. You...
(a) Ask for her hand in marriage.
(b) Pretend you have forgotten how to speak English.
(c) Repeat the conversation to the daughter and just hope for the best.
You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor. The success of this
proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%. In the middle of your proposal
your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits into your coffee.
You:
(a) Tell him you take your coffee black.
(b) Ask him if he has any communicable diseases.
(c) Show him who's in command; promptly take a leak in his "In" basket.
This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of management personal to
various situations. You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate
executives in the plushest office you've ever seen. The enchilada casserole and
egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure. Your
sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass bookcase doors to
shatter and a secretary to pass out. You should:
(a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
(b) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense.
(c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better.
-= office and work humor =-= 2 =---------------------------------------------
If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, what is an empty desk a
sign of?
1) A clean desk is the sign of a frightened mind!
2) A clean desk is the sign of a manager at work?
3) Being terminated.
4) It usually means my mother is visiting again!
5) Having too much work to do in too little time!
6) I suppose it's a sign of someone who's following security regulations.
(I prefer to give people the benefit of the doubt.)
7) Actually, it a sign of visiting VIPs.
-= office and work humor =-= 3 =---------------------------------------------
Please be advised of the following changes to the travel policy guidelines...
Memorandum
To: All Employees
From: Headquarters
Subject: Business Travel Policy Guidelines
Date: June 16, 1993
Due to fiscal constraints, the following corporate policies are announced
regarding employees on travel for official business. The purpose of these
policies is to save money, thereby decreasing overhead.
Transportation
--------------
If commercial transportation must be utilized, the lowest cost tickets will
be purchased. Airline tickets will only be authorized for purchase in extreme
circumstances and, the lowest fares will be used. If, for example, a meeting
with a customer is scheduled in Seattle, but a lower fare can be obtained by
traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to
Seattle. Bus transportation will be utilized whenever possible.
Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transport is strictly encouraged.
Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their
departure on company business trips.
Lodging
-------
All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives or friends while on
company business. If this is not possible, then cost effective alternatives
should be exploited.
Public areas such as parks and parking lots can be used during periods of
good weather. In inclement weather, bridges may provide temporary shelter.
Meals
-----
Expenditures for meals will be limited to the absolute minimum. It should be
noted that certain grocery chains, such as "General Nutrition Centers" and
"Piggly Wiggly" stores often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire
meals can often be obtained in this manner.
Travelers should also become familiar with, and exploit the use of,
indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their
destination. If restaurants must be utilized, travellers should seek
establishments offering "all you can eat" salad bars. This will be especially
valuable to employees travelling together, as a single plate can be used to feed
one clever group.
Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food while on company
business. Cans of tuna fish, Spam and Beef-a-roni can be conveniently consumed
at your leisure, without the unnecessary bother of heating or other costly
preparation.
Entertainment
-------------
Entertainment while on travel is discouraged. If such extravagances are
required for business reasons, the customer should be encouraged to "pick up the
tab". Such actions will save the company money and also convince the customer
that we are concerned about "spending his money on providing a good product for
him", not on useless overhead frivolities which can drive up our prices.
Hospitality provided to our customers at our facility shall be tasteful, yet
cost-effective. In lieu of frivolous dinners, a picnic bench will be placed in
the parking lot complete with garden hose for liquid refreshments.
Miscellaneous
-------------
All employees are encouraged to employ innovative techniques in our common
effort to save corporate dollars. One enterprising individual has already
suggested that money could be raised during airport "layover" periods which
could be used to defray travel costs. In support of this idea, "Red Caps" will
be issued to all employees prior to departure so that they may earn tips for
helping other travellers with their luggage during such periods. Small plastic
roses will also be made available to employees so that sales may be made as time
permits.
-= office and work humor =-= 4 =---------------------------------------------
Eastern Airlines once introduced a special half-price fare for wives who
accompanied their husbands on business trips. Expecting valuable testimonials,
the Public Relations department sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen
who had used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip.
Letters came pouring in asking, "What trip?"
-= office and work humor =-= 5 =---------------------------------------------
The following memorandum was apparently circulated at the L. A. Times:
Los Angeles Times - Intra-Office Correspondence
To members of the Times staff:
Because of the current outflow-inflow revenue imbalances, certain economy
measures are being implemented throughout the newspaper for the duration of the
difficulties. Your cooperation is necessary to help correct the imbalance more
quickly.
Starting immediately:
The Times' travel office has been instructed to book employees in more
economical hotels; as a guideline, for example, any hotel providing mints on
pillows is excluded from this list. For your further guidance, a hotel and
motel guide "Corporate America on $29.95 a day," is being reprinted for
distribution.
Any reporters/photographers traveling together will occupy only one room; for
propriety's sake, they will sleep in shifts, one by day, the other by night. In
case of a dispute over shift assignments, any editor at or above the rank of
assistant metropolitan editor can be called in to mediate.
When traveling, do not purchase local newspapers. These can be obtained from
hotel check-out desks, in the seating areas of coffee shops where they have been
discarded by others, or taken from so-called "street people" sleeping on benches
and sidewalks.
All reporters' notebooks will be issued by the city desk. Any request for
new notebooks must be accompanied by turning in a used one, with all pages
filled on both sides. When taking notes, please use abbreviations wherever
possible; this will help to conserve. The same rule for turning in used items
will hold for pens, and pencil stubs. New cassette tapes will be provided when
old ones are turned in. To obtain further use from your tape recorder
batteries, lick the battery head with the tip of your tongue and reinsert
batteries in tape recorder.
Like first-class travel, first-class postage is now prohibited, except under
extraordinary circumstances. Postcards will be provided through your department
secretary. Any reporter wishing to send items first-class can petition orally
or in writing to the city desk for the necessary stamps.
To avoid wastage of newsprint, street-vendor racks will be installed in the
newsroom and throughout the building. Reporters deemed "need to know" can
obtain coins from the city desk to purchase one (1) newspaper daily; others are
encouraged to bring their newspapers from home, or to purchase them at work
When dining out of town while on company business, employees are encouraged
to follow current Administration guidelines and use catsup as a vegetable.
To aid in our company "balance of payments," this fall, a company sales
program, much akin to the Girl Scouts' cookie sales program, will be instituted.
Times-produced and Times-logo merchandise will be sold by employees in the
course of their other duties, i.e. reporters traveling around southern
California for interviews and research. The Times' marketing division is
preparing "kits," cases containing a sample array of Times merchandise, and
order books. These kits should be available by December 1, and will be
distributed by your supervisor.
To conserve energy, rolling blackouts of computer and electric-light power
will be observed throughout the editorial department. We will try to time these
to avoid any conflict with your department deadlines.
The Times is also instituting a suggestion plan to encourage employees' ideas
on cost-cutting. Employees whose suggestions are adopted will be rewarded with
free meal passes to the company cafeteria.
-= office and work humor =-= 6 =---------------------------------------------
Reuters News Service - British frequent flyer Alak Krishnan, 43, said he lost
his suitcase on an airline flight, dozens and dozens of times. Over the last two
years, he collected 85,000 pounds (US$135,000) in claims. Convicted of fraud,
prosecutors said Krishnan would check in two or three bags, then zip one into
another and claim the zipped-up bag was lost by the airline.
-= office and work humor =-= 7 =---------------------------------------------
Seen on a hall wall at NASA's Jet Propulsion Labs:
(each letter appears cut out of a magazine and pasted on the paper)
we have your
satellite if you
want it back
send 20 billion
in martian
money. No funny
business or
you will never
see it again
-= office and work humor =-= 8 =---------------------------------------------
The president of a large corporation opened his directors meeting by announcing,
"All those who are opposed to the plan I am about to propose will reply by
saying, 'I resign.'"
-= office and work humor =-= 9 =---------------------------------------------
Six Phases of Project Management
1 Exaltation
2 Disenchantment
3 Confusion
4 Search for the Guilty
5 Punishment of the Innocent
6 Distinction for the Uninvolved
-= office and work humor =-= 10 =---------------------------------------------
Immutable Laws Of Project Management
Law 1: No major project is ever completed on time, within budget, with the
same staff that started it, nor does the project do what it is supposed to do.
It is highly unlikely that yours will be the first.
Corollary 1: The benefits will be smaller than initially estimated, if
estimates were made at all.
Corollary 2: The system finally installed will be completed late and will
not do what it is supposed to do.
Corollary 3: It will cost more but will be technically successful.
Law 2: One advantage of fuzzy project objectives is that they let you avoid
embarrassment in estimating the corresponding costs.
Law 3: The effort required to correct a project that is off course
increases geometrically with time.
Corollary 1: The longer you wait the harder it gets.
Corollary 2: If you wait until the project is completed, it's too late.
Corollary 3: Do it now regardless of the embarrassment.
Law 4: The project purpose statement you wrote and understand will be seen
differently by everyone else.
Corollary 1: If you explain the purpose so clearly that no one could
possibly misunderstand, someone will.
Corollary 2: If you do something that you are sure will meet everyone's
approval, someone will not like it.
Law 5: Measurable benefits are real. Intangible benefits are not
measurable, thus intangible benefits are not real.
Corollary 1: Intangible benefits are real if you can prove that they are
real.
Law 6: Anyone who can work effectively on a project part-time certainly
does not have enough to do now.
Corollary 1: If a boss will not give a worker a full-time job, you shouldn't
either.
Corollary 2: If the project participant has a time conflict, the work given
by the full-time boss will not suffer.
Law 7: The greater the project's technical complexity, the less you need a
technician to manage it.
Corollary 1: Get the best manager you can. The manager will get the
technicians.
Corollary 2: The reverse of corollary 1 is almost never true.
Law 8: A carelessly planned project will take three times longer to
complete than expected. A carefully planned project will only take twice as
long.
Corollary 1: If nothing can possibly go wrong, it will anyway.
Law 9: When the project is going well, something will go wrong.
Corollary 1: When things cannot get any worse, they will.
Corollary 2: When things appear to be going better, you have overlooked
something.
Law 10: Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly
manifests their lack of progress.
Law 11: Projects progress rapidly until they are 90 percent complete. Then
they remain 90 percent complete forever.
Law 12: If project content is allowed to change freely, the rate of change
will exceed the rate of progress.
Law 13: If the user does not believe in the system, a parallel system will
be developed. Neither system will work very well.
Law 14: Benefits achieved are a function of the thoroughness of the post-
audit check.
Corollary 1: The prospect of an independent post-audit provides the project
team with a powerful incentive to deliver a good system on schedule within
budget.
Law 15: No system is ever completely debugged. Attempts to debug a system
inevitably introduce new bugs that are even harder to find.
Law 16: No law is immutable.
-= office and work humor =-= 11 =---------------------------------------------
My Job
It's not my place to run the train
The whistle I cannot blow
It's not my place to say how far
The train is allowed to go
It's not my place to shoot off steam
Nor even clang the bell
But let the damn thing
Jump the track
And see who catches hell!!!
-= office and work humor =-= 12 =---------------------------------------------
Customer Order - The Swing (this is better as a drawing!)
1 As the work order describes it:
A swing from a tree limb supported by 3 ropes, one rope in the middle of the
board seat.
2 As the Engineering Department designed it:
A swing from a tree limb supported by 2 ropes but with 3 seats
3 As the planning group planned it:
A swing, 1 seat, 2 ropes attached to tree trunk, seat on the ground
4 As the shop fabricated it:
A swing, 1 seat, 2 ropes attached to limbs on opposite sides of the trunk,
seat resting against the tree trunk
5 As maintenance installed it:
A swing, 1 seat, 2 ropes attached to limbs on opposite sides of the trunk,
section of the tree trunk removed to allow swing to hang, entire tree top
supported by makeshift poles under the limbs
6 What the customer really wanted:
A tire swing, 1 rope and an old tire.
-= office and work humor =-= 13 =---------------------------------------------
Customer Complaints
You are expensive!
You don't deliver!
You are a pain in the ass to work with!
-= office and work humor =-= 14 =---------------------------------------------
Letters Of Recommendations For Employees
Have to write a letter of recommendation for that fired employee?
Here are a few suggested phrases:
For the chronically absent:
"A man like him is hard to find."
"It seemed her career was just taking off."
For the office drunk:
"I feel his real talent is wasted here."
"We generally found him loaded with work to do."
"Every hour with him was a happy hour."
For an employee with no ambition:
"He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in."
"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."
"He consistently achieves the low standards he sets for himself."
For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:
"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."
For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:
"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of
employment."
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or
recommend him too highly."
For a stupid employee:
"There is nothing you can teach a man like him."
"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications
whatsoever."
For a dishonest employee:
"Her true ability was deceiving."
"He's an unbelievable worker."
-= office and work humor =-= 15 =---------------------------------------------
Dictionary of Performance Evaluation Comments
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those
glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.
A keen analyst: Thoroughly confused.
Accepts new job assignments willingly: Never finishes a job.
Active socially: Drinks heavily.
Alert to company developments: An office gossip.
Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.
Average: Not too bright.
Bridge builder: Likes to compromise.
Character above reproach: Still one step ahead of the law.
Charismatic: No interest in any opinion but his own.
Competent: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
Conscientious and careful: Scared.
Consults with co-workers often: Indecisive, confused, and clueless.
Consults with supervisor often: Pain in the ass.
Delegates responsibility effectively: Passes the buck well.
Demonstrates qualities of leadership: Has a loud voice.
Deserves promotion: Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.
Displays excellent intuitive judgement: Knows when to disappear.
Displays great dexterity and agility: Dodges and evades superiors well.
Doesn't suffer fools gladly: Rude and abrasive.
Enjoys job: Needs more to do.
Excels in sustaining concentration but avoids confrontations: Ignores everyone.
Excels in the effective application of skills: Makes a good cup of coffee.
Exceptionally well qualified: Has committed no major blunders to date.
Expresses self well: Can string two sentences together.
Gets along extremely well with superiors and subordinates alike: A coward.
Happy: Paid too much.
Hard worker: Usually does it the hard way.
Ideas don't last long in some heads because they can't stand solitary
confinement.
Identifies major management problems: Complains a lot.
Indifferent to instruction: Knows more than superiors.
Internationally know: Likes to go to conferences and trade shows in Las Vegas.
Is well informed: Knows all office gossip and where all the skeletons are kept.
Inspires the cooperation of others: Gets everyone else to do the work.
Is unusually loyal: Wanted by no-one else.
Judgement is usually sound: Lucky.
Keen sense of humor: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
Keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead.
Keeps informed on business issues: Subscribes to Playboy and National Enquirer.
Listens well: Has no ideas of his own.
Maintains a high degree of participation: Comes to work on time.
Maintains professional attitude: A snob.
Meticulous in attention to detail: A nitpicker.
Mover and shaker: Favors steamroller tactics without regard for other opinions.
Not a desk person: Did not go to college.
Of great value to the organization: Turns in work on time.
Use all available resources: Takes office supplies home for personal use.
Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
Requires work-value attitudinal readjustment: Lazy and hard-headed.
Should go far: Please.
Slightly below average: Stupid.
Spends extra hours on the job: Miserable home life.
Stern disciplinarian: A real jerk.
Straightforward: Blunt and insensitive.
Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn.
Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: Buys drinks for superiors.
Takes pride in work: Conceited.
Unlimited potential: Will stick with us until retirement.
Uses resources well: Delegates everything.
Uses time effectively: Clock watcher.
Very creative: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
Visionary: Cannot handle paperwork or any project that lasts less than a week.
Well organized: Does too much busywork.
Will go far: Relative of management.
Willing to take calculated risks: Doesn't mind spending someone else's money.
Zealous attitude: Opinionated.
-= office and work humor =-= 16 =---------------------------------------------
Dictionary Of Employment Want Ads Terminology
Energetic self-starter: You'll be working on commission.
Entry level position: We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law.
Experience required: We do not know the first thing about any of this.
Fast learner: You will get no training from us.
Flexible work hours: You will frequently work long overtime hours.
Good organizational skills: You'll be handling the filing.
Make an investment in you future: This is a franchise or a pyramid scheme.
Management training position: You'll be a salesperson with a wide territory.
Much client contact: You handle the phone or make "cold calls" on clients.
Must have reliable transportation: You will be required to break speed limits.
Must be able to lift 50 pounds: We offer no health insurance or chiropractors.
Opportunity of a lifetime: You will not find a lower salary for so much work.
Planning and coordination: You book the bosses travel arrangements.
Quick problem solver: You will work on projects months behind schedule already.
Strong communication skills: You will write tons of documentation and letters.
-= office and work humor =-= 17 =---------------------------------------------
And how about the pill counter who married the bean counter and they produced a
CPA son who could work only one hour before or two to three hours after meals.
-= office and work humor =-= 18 =---------------------------------------------
Management Aptitude
Yesterday my brother Jim was taking a test required for a management job with a
local trucking company. Part of the test involved a verbal section given by
the company employment director (or whatever).
Question:
"You are driving a forklift and 2 men get in your way, what do you do?"
My brother's answer:
"Go for the one with the most seniority!"
-= office and work humor =-= 19 =---------------------------------------------
The 10 If's You Need To Know To Get Along At Work
1) If it rings, put it on hold.
2) If it clunks, call the repairman.
3) If it whistles, ignore it.
4) If it's a friend, stop work and chat.
5) If it's the Boss, look busy.
6) If it talks, take notes.
7) If it's handwritten, type it.
8) if it's typed, copy it.
9) If it's copied, file it.
10) If it's Friday, FORGET IT!!!
-= office and work humor =-= 20 =---------------------------------------------
Your Co-worker Could Be A Space Alien...
Here's how you can tell. 10 signs to watch for:
1. Odd or mismatched clothes.
2. Strange diet or unusual eating habits.
3. Bizarre sense of humor.
4. Takes frequent sick days.
5. Keeps a written or tape recorded diary.
6. Misuses everyday items. May use correction fluid to paint its nails.
7. Constant questioning about customs.
8. Secretive about personal lifestyle.
9. Frequently talks to himself.
10. Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain high-tech
hardware.
-= office and work humor =-= 21 =---------------------------------------------
Are You About To Employ A Robot?
This test was written by ME, Roger Carasso, for the UCB Psychology Department.
It is intended to be used by companies that are recruiting on campus. With this
test, you can determine whether an applicant you are interviewing is a Liberal
Arts major, a Vulcan/Math major, or a Robot.
Administer the following test to students prior to interviewing them in person:
Answer Questions by circling the appropriate subjective choice.
1. If stranded on a deserted island, I would want ___
1) Shakespeare
2) Math books
3) Fluid oil
2. If I could have any job, I would be a ___
1) Writer
2) Professor
3) McDonald's employee
3. On weekends, I go to ___
1) The beach
2) The library
3) goto 999
4. My favorite hobby is ___
1) Poetry
2) Open math problems
3) Memorizing
5. I have taken ___ English classes.
1) Many
2) Enough to communicate
3) fori=1to++x10goto999
6. What is the quickest way to solve 2X+4=2?
1) In my head
2) Ask a Vulcan
3) Brute force with a Cray T3D supercomputer
7. What have you learned in school that you value the most?
1) Latin
2) Complex Analysis
3) How to operate my HP-28C
8. In between classes, I like to ___
1) Talk with my friends
2) Study proofs
3) Add numbers on my calculator
9. When I have a report due, I type it on ___
1) My manual typewriter
2) The school's word processor
3) My calculator and then upload it to a PC at 50 baud
10. Since coming to the university, I have gained many ___
1) Friends
2) Books
3) Calculator manuals
11. The best use of a computer is ___
1) As a door stop
2) For graphing functions
3) As friends
12. When I go to a restaurant, I usually get ___
1) A hamburger
2) A twinkie
3) Thrown out
13. What part of speech is "interface"?
1) A noun
2) A noun and a verb
3) Not enough data
14. What do you consider to be paradise?
1) Total happiness
2) Total knowledge
3) Two calculators
15. What type of music do you like?
1) Popular music
2) Classical music
3) Static noise
16. What is your favorite game?
1) Monopoly
2) Chess
3) Data entry races
17. My favorite movie show is ___
1) Ruthless People
2) Star Trek II
3) Short Circuit
18. If I had to know an equation on a test, I would ___
1) Write it on my arm
2) Derive it during test
3) Memorize it with flash cards all day for weeks
19. The person I marry must have ___
1) Beauty
2) Intelligence
3) An RS232 serial port
20. What I fear the most is ___
1) Death
2) Emotions
3) Water
Results: Add up the values of all your answers and look at the following table.
00-14 Liberal Arts
15-20 Vulcan/Math Major
21-40 Robot
-= office and work humor =-= 22 =---------------------------------------------
This executive was interviewing a nervous young women for a position in his
company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If
you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"
The girl quickly responded, "The living one."
-= office and work humor =-= 23 =---------------------------------------------
Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."
Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went
wrong, they said I was responsible."
-= office and work humor =-= 24 =---------------------------------------------
This isn't quite as good, but I know it's true, because I did it:
On one of my first job application forms, in the blank next to "Salary
required", I wrote "yes". (I got the job.)
-= office and work humor =-= 25 =---------------------------------------------
Oral Examination Procedure
The purposes of an oral examination are few and simple. In these brief notes
the purposes are set forth and practical rules for conducting an oral
examination are given. Careful attention to the elementary rules is necessary
in order to assure a truly successful examination. From the standpoint of each
individual examiner, the basic purposes of the oral examination are: to make
that examiner appear smarter and trickier than either the examinee or other
examiners, thereby preserving his self esteem; and to crush the examinee,
thereby avoiding the messy and time-wasting problem of post-examination
judgement and decision.
Both of these aims can be realized through diligent application of the following
timetested rules:
1. Before beginning the examination, make it clear to the examinee that his
whole professional career may turn on his performance. Stress the importance
and formality of the occasion. Put him in his proper place at the outset.
2. Throw out your hardest question first. (This is very important. If your
first question is sufficiently difficult or involved, he will be too rattled
to answer subsequent questions, no matter how simple they may be.)
3. Be reserved and stern in addressing the examinee. For contrast, be very
jolly with the other examiners. A very efficient device is to make humorous
comments to the other examiners about the examinees performance; comments
which tend to exclude him and set him apart (as though he were not present
in the room).
4. Make him do it your way, especially if your way is esoteric. Constrain him.
Impose many limitations and qualifications in each question. The idea is to
complicate an otherwise simple problem.
5. Force him into a trivial error and then let him puzzle over it for as long
as possible. Just after he sees his mistake but just before he has a chance
to explain it, correct him yourself, disdainfully. This takes real
perception and timing, which can only be acquired with some practice.
6. When he finds himself deep in a hole, never lead him out. Instead, sigh,
and shift to a new subject.
7. Ask him snide questions, such as, "Didn't you learn that in Freshman
Calculus?"
8. Do not permit him to ask you clarifying questions. Never repeat or clarify
your own statement of the problem. Tell him not to think out loud, what you
want is the answer.
9. Every few minutes, ask him if he is nervous.
10. Station yourself and the other examiners so that the examinee cannot really
face all of you at once. This enables you to bracket him with a sort of
binaural crossfire. Wait until he turns away from you toward someone else,
and then ask him a short direct question. With proper coordination among
the examiners it is possible under favorable conditions to spin the examinee
through several complete revolutions. This has the same effect as item 2
above.
11. Wear dark glasses. Inscrutability is unnerving.
12. Terminate the examination by telling the examinee, "Don't call us, we will
call you."
-= office and work humor =-= 26 =---------------------------------------------
The following is a selection from a group in Xerox which was put on redeployment
back in 1991 down in El Segundo. Some things seem to stay funny forever.
List Of Quotes To Practice Before Interviewing For A New Job
1. I think A&E is a much nicer building than CP10.
2. Of course I always dress like this!
3. Printers!? Yeah, I saw one once.
4. Money is of no issue.
5. Yes! That job description is exactly what I was looking for.
6. No, I'm not worried about another re-org.
7. Doesn't PSD stand for Printing Something Dumb?
8. I make really good coffee!
9. I definitely prefer the openness of a cubicle.
10. Oh, I think it will be great working so close to the cafeteria!
11. I usually get in around 7:30 A.M.
12. I never take a lunch!
13. I always work on weekends.
14. I definitely would wash you car on the weekends!
-= office and work humor =-= 27 =---------------------------------------------
Unusual Comments And Actions Made Before By Candidates During An Interview
"Almost everyone is guilty of bad sexual conduct."
"At times, I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking."
"Do I have to dress for the next interview?"
"Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"
"Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"
"Does your health insurance cover pets?"
"I am fascinated by fire."
"I feel uneasy indoors."
"I get excited very easily."
"I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement."
"I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"
"I know who is responsible for most of my troubles."
"I like tall women."
"I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker."
"I never get hungry."
"I think I'm going to throw-up."
"I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington."
"I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me."
"If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back."
"If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival."
"My legs are really hairy."
"Once a week, I usually feel hot all over."
"People are always watching me."
"Sometimes I feel like smashing things."
"What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"
"What is it that you people do at this company?"
"What is the company motto?"
"Whenever a man is with a woman, he is usually thinking about sex."
"Why am I here?"
"Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"
"Why do you want references?"
"Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"
"Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"
"Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars."
"Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"
Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to
answer specific interview questions.
Applicant said if he was hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the
corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later
wearing a headpiece.
Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and
french fies in the interviewer's office.
Candidate brought large dog to interview.
Candidate dozed off during interview.
Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer.
Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.
Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.
Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept
in a closet in Mexico.
Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer
and the music at the same time.
Job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
-= office and work humor =-= 28 =---------------------------------------------
Things Not To Put In A Resume Cover Letter
1. I'm really keen to work for you, I hear the drugs are good.
2. I regret that I have no references. Unfortunately, every company I have
worked for has since closed down.
3. I'll kill myself if I don't get a job.
4. I know where you live.
5. Any sentence beginning with "I was recently acquitted."
6. I'm really tall, so I think I'd be well suited to this job.
7. Happy faces.
8. By the way, I understand that you have unmarried daughters.
9. My turn-ons include...
10. I'm confident that I'll get this job. God told me.
-= office and work humor =-= 29 =---------------------------------------------
Things Not To Say At An Interview
When you are asked, "Do you have any questions?", do not ask:
Do you have a lot of single nubile women/men working here?
Do you have full Internet access?
What are my chances at getting a sunny corner office?
What do you expect to gain by employing me?
What will be the color of my company car?
When can I start?
-= office and work humor =-= 30 =---------------------------------------------
10 Things To Do If You're Not Motivated To Work
1) Dump the paper clips out of their box and make sure there are 200 of them.
2) Rearrange the icons on your Viewpoint desktop.
3) Re-read one of your old Trip Reports.
4) Backup the Development System files on tape.
5) Go to the lab and eat some jellybeans.
6) Try to figure out why you're not getting any messages from anyone in .WBST or
.ROCHX2, but you know they're sending messages because you're seeing replies
to those messages.
7) Rearrange the file folders in your desk.
8) Shoot the breeze with your boss.
9) Make up Part III of Special K's West Coast Trip Report.
10) Figure out how to submit this list to David Letterman.
-= office and work humor =-= 31 =---------------------------------------------
New Element: Administratium
The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by physicists
at the Naval Research Laboratory. The element, tentatively named Administratium,
has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it
does have 1 neutron, 126 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant
vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are
held together in a nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of
meson-like particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be
detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with.
According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium caused one
reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally occur in less
than one second.
Administratium has a normal half life of approximately three years, at which
time it does not actually decay, but instead, undergoes a reorganization in
which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange
places. Some studies have shown that the atomic weight actually increases after
such reorganization.
Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally
in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government
agencies, large corporations and universities, and can actually be found in the
newest, best maintained buildings.
Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of
concentration, can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed
to accumulate, and recommend plenty of fluids and bed rest after even low levels
of exposure. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be
controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not
promising.
I also hear that the reaction of Administratium with another new element,
TQMium, is fairly unstable. Sometimes chemical bonding occurs and a new improved
compound is formed. Other times the reaction is more violent with excessive
amounts of heat and darkness being generated and the Administratium remaining
unchanged. It is believed that these differences have some relationship to the
number of "holes" in the support provided by the various neutrons. Scientists
are looking into them.
-= office and work humor =-= 32 =---------------------------------------------
Corporate Physical Fitness Program
Notice: XYZ company requires no further physical fitness programs. Everyone
gets enough exercise:
jumping to conclusions,
flying off the handle,
beating around the bush,
running down the boss,
going around in circles,
dragging their feet,
dodging responsibility,
passing the buck,
climbing the ladder,
wading through paperwork,
pulling strings,
throwing their weight around,
stretching the truth,
bending the rules,
and pushing their luck!
-= office and work humor =-= 33 =---------------------------------------------
A recent report by the American Medical Association pointed out that proper
weight control and physical fitness cannot be attained by dieting alone. People
who spend most of their day behind a desk face a particular problem in losing
weight. Too many of these people fail to realize that calories can be burned
off by the hundreds by engaging in strenuous exercises that are common for
office workers:
Calories
Office Activity Burned
---------------------------------------------- --------
Adding fuel to the fire 85
Balancing the books 335
Beating around the bush 75
Beating your head against a wall 450
Beating your own drum 100
Bending over backwards 75
Bending the rules 375
Chewing nails 85
Climbing the ladder of success 750
Climbing the walls 250
Dodging responsibility 80
Dragging your heels 100
Eating crow 190
Fishing for compliments 35
Flying off the handle 225
Going around in circles 320
Grasping at straws 75
Hitting the nail on the head 50
Jogging your memory 125
Jumping on the bandwagon 200
Jumping to conclusions 100
Making mountains out of molehills 500
Passing the buck 25
Patting yourself on the back 25
Pouring salt on a wound 30
Pulling out the stops 100
Pulling strings 180
Pushing your luck 360
Racing against time 300
Running down the boss 130
Spinning your wheels 145
Sticking your neck out 980
Stretching the truth 450
Swallowing your pride 150
Throwing your weight around (depends on weight) 50-300
Tooting your own horn 50
Turning the other cheek 50
Wading through paperwork 300
Wrapping it up at day's end 12
-= office and work humor =-= 34 =---------------------------------------------
I'll share with you my own secret method for moving up the corporate ladder.
It's called the Hindlick Maneuver.
-= office and work humor =-= 35 =---------------------------------------------
"How many are there working at your office?"
"About one third."
"For how long have you been working at that office?"
"Ever since they threatened to fire me."
-= office and work humor =-= 36 =---------------------------------------------
What is the best secretary in the world to have?
One that never misses a period.
How many bosses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One to hold the bulb and the world revolves around him.
-= office and work humor =-= 37 =---------------------------------------------
A man goes to one office ans sees there a crying secretary.
"Excuse me, but what is the matter with You?"
"My boss told me that I am not pretty enough to make so many typing errors..."
-= office and work humor =-= 38 =---------------------------------------------
There is absolutely no truth to the rumor that all employees are going to be
required to have lobotomies...at least at the prices we were quoted. - Dilbert
-= office and work humor =-= 39 =---------------------------------------------
Job Schizophrenia
When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough.
When I don't do it, I am lazy.
When my boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When I do it without being told, I'm trying to be smart.
When my boss does the same, that is initiative.
When I please my boss, that's brown-nosing.
When my boss pleases his boss, that's co-operating.
When I do good, my boss never remembers.
When I do wrong, he never forgets.
-= office and work humor =-= 40 =---------------------------------------------
How do you spell boss backwards?
Double S.O.B.
-= office and work humor =-= 41 =---------------------------------------------
How To Weird Up Your Boss A Little
Readjust his computer terminal so that the focus is just slightly off.
Take his name out of the next issue of the phone book.
Start showing up early for work.
Put a different name on his door.
Change the charts and graphs he is going to use in an important meeting.
Super glue one wheel of his chair.
After you've had an argument, make him shake hands and make up.
Loosen the handles on the drawers of his desk.
Put a resistor in his phone so the volume is REAL low, then, either talk REAL
loud or REAL soft, or alternate.
Send him a memo from the real estate division talking about how much money they
could make by renting out his office.
Transfer his calls to security
Unadjust the horizontal hold on his computer terminal.
If he falls asleep a lot, make moaning and groaning noises till he wakes up.
Transfer everybody's phone calls to his phone.
-= office and work humor =-= 42 =---------------------------------------------
Getting anything work done around here is like mating elephants.
It's done on a very high level.
There's a lot of stomping and screaming involved.
And it takes two years to get any results.
-= office and work humor =-= 43 =---------------------------------------------
Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody
This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody
could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because
it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody
realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. Consequently, it wound up that Nobody
told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.
-= office and work humor =-= 44 =---------------------------------------------
You Know Jack Schitt
When someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt..." Now you'll know the rest of
the story:
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt. Awe Schitt, the
fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of the Kneedeep Schitt Inn.
Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the produced six children. Holy Schitt, their
first, passed on shortly after childbirth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and
Dip Schitt; two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt; and another son, Bull
Schitt. Deep Schitt married Lotta Schitt and they have a son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens brothers. The Schitt-Happens
children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt, and Horace Schitt. Bull Schitt just
married a spicy number, Pisa Schitt, and they are awaiting the arrival of baby
Schitt. Now you know Jack Schitt!
-= office and work humor =-= 45 =---------------------------------------------
Who Works
The population of the country is 180 million, but there are 64 million over 60
years of age, leaving 116 million to the work. People under 21 total 59 million
which leaves 57 million to do the work. 31 million Gov't. employees leaves 26
million to do the work. 6 million in the armed forces leaves 20 million
workers. Deduct 17 million State, county, and city employees which leaves 3
million to do the work. There are 2,500,000 people in hospitals, asylums, etc..
leaving 500,000 workers. But 450,000 of these are bums or others who will not
work, so that leaves 50,000 to do the work. Now it may interest you to know
that there are 49,998 people in jail so that leaves just 2 people to do all the
work, and that is you and me, brother, and I'm getting tired of doing everything
myself, so let's get with it!
-= office and work humor =-= 46 =---------------------------------------------
Pay Check
Understanding Your Paycheck:
Gross pay: $1222.02
Income Tax Outgo Tax State Tax Interstate Tax County Tax
244.40 45.21 61.10 5.89 6.11
City Tax Rural Tax Back Tax Front Tax Side Tax
12.22 4.44 1.11 1.16 1.61
Up Tax Down Tax Knicknack Tax Hackensac Tax Thumbtax
2.22 1.11 1.98 3.93 0.98
Carpet Tax Snack Tax Surtax Ma'am Tax Parking Fee
0.69 8.32 3.46 3.46 5.00
No Parking Fee F.i.c.a. T.g.i.f. Life Ins. Health Ins.
10.00 81.88 9.95 5.85 16.23
Disability Ins. Ability Ins. Liability Ins. Dental Ins. Mental Ins.
2.50 0.25 3.41 4.50 4.33
Fundamental Ins. Coffee Coffee Cups Calendar Rental Floor Rental
0.11 6.85 66.51 3.06 16.85
Chair Rental Desk Rental Union Dues Union Don'ts Cash Advances
4.32 4.32 5.85 3.77 0.69
Cash Retreats Overtime Undertime Eastern Time Central Time
121.35 1.26 54.83 9.00 8.00
Mountain Time Pacific Time Daylight Savings Time Time Out
7.00 6.00 4.44 12.21
Oxygen Water Electricity Heat Air Conditioning
10.02 16.54 38.23 51.42 46.83
Misc
169.24
Take Home Pay: $0000.02
(this is where the expression "just my 2 cents" came from)
-= office and work humor =-= 47 =---------------------------------------------
The people of the various provinces are strictly forbidden to have in their
possession any swords, bows, spears, firearms, or other types of arms. The
possession of these elements makes difficult the collection of taxes and dues,
and tends to permit uprising. Therefore, the heads of provinces, official
agents, and deputies are ordered to collect all the weapons mentioned above and
turn them over to the government. - Toyotomi Hideyoshi, Shogun, August 29, 1558,
Japan
-= office and work humor =-= 48 =---------------------------------------------
From: IRS
Re: Notice Of Tax Increase (Form 1040P)
The only thing the IRS has not yet taxed is your penis. This is due to the fact
that 40% of the time, it is hanging around unemployed; 20% of the time, it is
pissed off; 30% of the time, it is hard up; and 10% of the time, it is in the
hole. On top of this, it has two dependents who are both are nuts. Accordingly,
starting January 1, 1995, your penis will be taxed according to its size. To
determine your category, please consult the chart below and confirm this
information on page 2, section 7, line 3 of your standard 1040 form.
*12-10 inches - Luxury Tax......$50.00
10- 8 inches - Pole Tax........$30.00
8- 6 inches - Privilege Tax...$15.00
6- 4 inches - Nuisance Tax....$ 6.00
*Males Exceeding 12 inches must file Capital Gains
Please Note : Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.
Please do not request an extension.
Sincerely,
Pecker Checker
Internal Revenue Service
-= office and work humor =-= 49 =---------------------------------------------
Management Worker Interface
Here's an interesting view of the management-worker interface, obviously sent
from a denizen of the unbearable white heat of the leading edge of the
technological revolution. Whatever that is.
The Field-Effectiveness Transistor (FET) is a four-terminal, depletion-mode
device shown schematically in Fig. 1
Sales
|
__|
_____| |
Mgmt ()____) |-------Mktg
| |__
|
|
Cust
Figure 1 Basic Structure of the FET.
As you can see, the device acts basically as a switch; when the influence of
Mgmt is removed, a conductive path is established between Sales and Cust on the
Mktg substrate. A negative input from Mgmt causes resistance to build in the
conductive channel. Sales and Cust are isolated from each other and from Mktg,
and all three end up floating. This tends to have a second-order feedback
effect on Mgmt, but does not materially change the device's behavior. The
effect of a positive input from Mgmt has not been observed and is not known.
The Mgmt input is shown on the schematic as a 'pipeline' rather than as a
single pin. This is due to an effect which causes signals from Mgmt to strongly
affect the other three pins, but prevents any signal transmission in the reverse
direction. Physicists have labelled this the "Shit-Flowing-Downhill effect",
after the research team at Solid State University which first described the
phenomenon.
The Field-Effectiveness Transistor has a wide variety of applications,
especially in the surveillance electronics industry, where it is used for
isolation, data encryption and as a noise source. It is also used in nuclear
detonators and marital aids.
-= office and work humor =-= 50 =---------------------------------------------
In an R&D orbit, only two of the existing three parameters can be defined
simultaneously. The parameters are: task, time and resources ($).
1) If one knows what the task is, and there is a time limit allowed for the
completion of the task, then one cannot guess how much it will cost.
2) If the time and resources ($) are clearly defined, then it is impossible
to know what part of the R&D task will be performed.
3) If you are given a clearly defined R&D goal, and a definite amount of
money which has been calculated to be necessary for the completion of the task,
one cannot predict if and when the goal will be reached.
4) If one is lucky enough and can accurately define all 3 parameters, then
what one deals with is not in the realm of R&D.
-= office and work humor =-= 51 =---------------------------------------------
The Saga Of Management Review Of Writing Style
Question: How many feet do mice have?
Original Reply: Mice have four feet.
Management's Comment: Elaborate!
Revision 1: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet.
Management's Comment: No discussion of 5th appendage!
Revision 2: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet; one is a tail.
Management's Comment: What? Feet with no legs?
Revision 3: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per unit-mouse.
Management's Comment: Confusing. Is that a total of 9 appendages?
Revision 4: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body.
Management's Comment: Does not fully discuss the issue!
Revision 5: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg is
equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail is not equipped with
a foot.
Management's Comment: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful No!
Revision 6: Allotment of appendages for mice will be: Four foot-leg assemblies,
one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would constitute
misapportionment of scarce appendage assets.
Management's Comment: Too authoritarian; stifles creativity!
Revision 7: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined
integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also attached to the
mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and ornamental in nature.
Management's Comment: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question!
Final Revision Approved By Management: Mice have four feet.
-= office and work humor =-= 52 =---------------------------------------------
The Corporate Structure And Performance Levels
Chairman Of The Board
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a locomotive.
Is faster than a speeding bullet. Walks on water. Gives policy to God.
President
Leaps short buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a switch
engine. Is just as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks on water if the sea is
calm. Talks to God.
Executive Vice President
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds. Is almost as
powerful as a switch engine. Is faster than a speeding BB. Walks on water in
an indoor swimming pool. Talks with God if special request is approved.
Vice President
Barely clears a quonset hut. Loses tug of war with a locomotive. Can fire a
speeding bullet. Swims well. Is occasionally addressed by God.
General Manager
Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings. Is run over by a
locomotive. Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury. Dog
paddles. Talks to animals.
Manager
Climbs walls continually. Rides the rails. Plays Russian Roulette. Walks
on thin ice. Prays a lot.
Supervisor
Runs into buildings. Recognizes locomotive two out of three times. Is not
issued ammunition. Can stay afloat with a life preserver. Talks to walls.
New Hire
Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings. Says "look at the
choo-choo". Wets himself with a water pistol. Plays in mud puddles. Mumbles
to himself.
Secretary
Lifts buildings and walks under them. Kicks locomotives off the tracks.
Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them. Freezes water with a
single glance. She IS God.
-= office and work humor =-= 53 =---------------------------------------------
How To Evaluate Personnel For Consideration For Job Or Performance
Degree of Performance
------ -- -----------
1 - Far Exceeds Job Requirements
2 - Exceeds Job Requirements
3 - Meets Job Requirements
4 - Needs Improvement
5 - Does Not Meet Minimal Requirements
Area Of Performance
-------------------
Quality Of Work
__ 1 - Leaps tall buildings with a single bound
__ 2 - Leaps tall buildings with a running start
__ 3 - Can leap a short building if prodded
__ 4 - Bumps into building
__ 5 - Cannot recognize buildings
Promptness
__ 1 - Is faster than a speeding bullet
__ 2 - Is as fast as a speeding bullet
__ 3 - Would you believe a slow bullet?
__ 4 - Misfires frequently
__ 5 - Wounds self when handling guns
Initiative
__ 1 - Is stronger than a locomotive
__ 2 - Is as strong as a bull elephant
__ 3 - Almost as strong as a bull
__ 4 - Shoots the bull
__ 5 - Smells like a bull
Adaptability
__ 1 - Walks on water
__ 2 - Keeps head above water under stress
__ 3 - Washes with water
__ 4 - Drinks water
__ 5 - Passes water in emergencies
Communication
__ 1 - Talks to God
__ 2 - Talks with Angles
__ 3 - Talks to himself
__ 4 - Argues with himself
__ 5 - Loses arguments with himself
-= office and work humor =-= 54 =---------------------------------------------
Performance Evaluation
Under the Freedom of Information Act and the Federal Privacy Act of 1974, I
understand that my work performance is being evaluated. I have the right to
review and discuss differences in order to resolve them and I have the right to
request amendment to and/or modification of any document.
Name:________________ Date of review:____________
Knowledge:
1 __ The son of a bitch really knows his shit.
2 __ Knows just enough to be dangerous.
3 __ Only has half a brain and is dangerous.
4 __ Fucking brain damaged. His coffee cup has a higher I.Q.
Accuracy:
1 __ Does excellent work if not preoccupied with pussy.
2 __ Pretty good; occasionally blows it out his ass.
3 __ Has to take off his shoes to count higher than ten.
4 __ Couldn't count his balls and get the same number twice.
Attitude:
1 __ Extremely cooperative (kisses ass frequently).
2 __ Brown noser in poor standing.
3 __ Often pisses off co-workers; thinks it's his job.
4 __ Doesn't give a shit; never did, never will.
Reliability:
1 __ Really a dependable little cocksucker.
2 __ Can rely on him at evaluation time.
3 __ Can rely on him to be the first one out the fucking door.
4 __ Totally fucking worthless.
Appearance:
1 __ Extremely neat: even combs his pubic hair.
2 __ Looks great at evaluation time.
3 __ Dirty, filthy, smelly son of a bitch!
4 __ Flies leave fresh dog shit to follow him.
Performance:
1 __ Goes like a son of a bitch, if there is money in it.
2 __ Does okay around evaluation time.
3 __ Works only if kicked in the ass every two minutes.
4 __ Couldn't do less work if he were in a coma.
Leadership:
1 __ Carries a chain saw and gets good results.
2 __ Occasionally gets told to "Get Fucked".
3 __ Mother Theresa tells him to "Get Fucked".
4 __ Couldn't lead a pack of hungry wolves to meat.
-= office and work humor =-= 55 =---------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a brown noser and an ass kisser?
Depth perception.
-= office and work humor =-= 56 =---------------------------------------------
Ride My Ass
To Whom It May Concern:
The Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) has determined that the
maximum safe load capacity on my butt is 2 persons at a time, unless I install
hand rails or safety straps. As you have arrived 6th in line to ride my ass
today, please take a number and wait your turn.
Thank You.
-= office and work humor =-= 57 =---------------------------------------------
Sayings Involving The F Word
figmo fuck it, got my orders
fubab fucked up beyond all belief
fubar fucked up beyond all recognition/repair
fumtu fucked up more than usual
snafu situation normal, all fucked up
tarfu things are really fucked up
janfu joint army-navy fuckup. (When American troops get shelled by their own
side, in this case involving both the army and the navy. Very
popular in Viet-Nam. There are a whole slew of these involving the
various combinations of services.)
gfu general fuck-up
samfu self-adjusting military fuck-up
sapfu surpassing all previous fuck-ups
susfu situation unchanged, still fucked-up
WOFTAM Waste Of Fucking Time And Money
hua Head up ass
hwua Head way up ass
RTFM Read the Fucking Manual
-= office and work humor =-= 58 =---------------------------------------------
Abusive Language
Management wishes to bring to the attention of all personnel the fact that
some individuals have been using abusive language in the exchange of normal
verbal communications relative to the performance of routine activities on the
premises. This practice must cease immediately.
The following coded list is provided to permit individual freedom of
expression and allow all the outlets of frustration in a clear, concise manner.
It will prove a very effective tool and, if employed properly, will offend no
one with delicate ears. Instead of yelling the obscenity, holler the number
code corresponding to the expletive you wish to express.
To prevent mistaking these communication codes with department numbers and/or
telephone extensions, management has assigned the 800 and 900 series numbers to
be utilized for your convenience and clarity.
801 You gotta be shitting me 831 It won't fucking work
802 Get off my fucking back 832 Go pound sand up your ass
803 Beats the shit out of me 833 Fuck off
804 What the fuck 834 Who called this fucking meeting?
805 It's so fucking bad I can't 835 Fucked up beyond repair
believe it 836 Adios, mother fucker
806 I hate this fucking place 837 Idiot, you don't know your ass from
807 This place sucks first base.
808 Fuck you very much 838 No shit
809 Lovely, simply fucking lovely 839 No fucking shit
810 That damn club 900 Unbefuckingly believable.
811 Damn fuck shit piss 901 Cool it, this is my wife/husband,
812 Get bent keep your mouth shut.
813 Kiss my ass, buddy 902 Take your time, I don't want to be
814 I really don't give a shit stuck with this ass for lunch
815 Fuck it, I'm on salary 903 Help me unload this mother
816 Stick it in your fucking ear 904 Hey baby, let's ball at lunch
817 Piss on the whole fucking project 905 I'm free tonight
818 Fuck it, just plain fuck it 906 Tied up with wife/husband tonight.
819 Hot shit 907 My wife/husband is out of town
820 Hot fucking shit 908 Let's take off sick together
821 Bitchin' 909 Meet you at the motel
822 Tell someone who gives a shit 910 Let's trade fucking partners
823 Don't get so fucking wise 911 Sorry honey, but it's that time
824 I don't give a fuck, so there 912 Will she or won't she?
825 Fuck you in the heart, Jack 913 Will he or won't he?
826 !*&#$%*!, you son of a bitch 914 B.O.B. (Buzz off, bitch)
827 Whatever you say, asshole 915 Answer the fucking phone
828 Who the fuck was that? 916 I'm not a fucking machine
829 What the fuck was that? 917 It's not my fucking job
830 Fuck you too 918 It's none of your goddamn business
-= office and work humor =-= 59 =---------------------------------------------
Politically Correct Office Communication
To All Employees
It has been brought to the management's attention that some individuals have
been using foul language in the course of normal conversation between employees.
Due to complaints from some of the more easily offended workers, this conduct
will no longer be tolerated. The management does however realize the importance
of each person being able to properly express their feelings when communicating
with their fellow employees. Therefore, management has compiled the following
code phrases, so that the proper exchange of ideas and information can continue.
Old Phrase New Phrase
-------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------
No fucking way. I'm not certain that's feasible.
You've gotta be shitting me. Really?
Tell someone who gives a fuck. Perhaps you should check with...
Ask me if I give a fuck. Of course I'm concerned.
What the fuck... I wasn't involved with that project.
Fuck it. It won't work. Interesting behavior.
Who the fuck cares? Are you sure it's a problem?
He's got his head up his ass. He's not familiar with the problem.
Eat shit. You don't say?
Eat shit and die. Excuse me?
Eat shit and die, motherfucker. Excuse me, sir?
Kiss my ass. So you like my help with it?
Fuck it. I'm on salary. I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
Shove it up your ass. I don't think you understand.
This job sucks. I love a challenge.
Who the hell died and made you boss? You want *me* to take care of *this*?
Blow me. I see.
Blow yourself. Do you see?
Another fucking meeting. Yes, we should discuss this.
I really don't give a shit. I don't think that it will be a problem.
Why the fuck didn't you see me sooner? I'll try to schedule this sooner.
When the fuck am I supposed to do this? Perhaps I can work late.
Fuck you How nice, how very nice.
-= office and work humor =-= 60 =---------------------------------------------
Genesis Of Shit - The Plan (ver. 1)
In the beginning was the plan
And then came the assumptions
and the assumptions were without form
and the plan was completely without substance
and the darkness was upon the face of the workers
and they spoke among themselves, saying "it is a crock of shit, and it stinketh"
and the workers went unto their supervisors and sayeth "it is a pail of dung and
none may abide the odor thereof"
and the supervisors went unto their managers and sayeth unto them, "it is a
container of excrement and it is very strong, such that none may abide by
it",
and the managers went unto their directors and sayeth, "it is a vessel of
fertilizer, and none may abide its strength",
and the directors spake amongst themselves, saying one to another, "it contains
that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong",
and the directors went unto the vice presidents to sayeth unto them, "it
promotes growth and is very powerful",
and the vice presidents went unto the president and sayeth unto him, "this new
plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency of this company, in
these areas in particular",
and the president looked upon the plan,
and saw that it was good, and the plan became policy.
This is how Shit Happens.
-= office and work humor =-= 61 =---------------------------------------------
The Plan (ver. 2)
In the beginning was the plan, but the plan was without form:
And man created the procedure.
Darkness was on the face of the employees
And they were sore afraid.
And they looked upon their supervisors and cried:
"It is a crock of dung stinking to high Heaven!"
And the supervisors spake unto the project administrators, saying:
"It is a bucket of manure and intolerably malodorous."
And the project administrators spake unto the section managers saying:
"It is a vessel of fertilizer and exceedingly strong."
And the section managers spake unto the department directors, saying:
"It promoteth growth and is very powerful."
And the department directors spake unto the company president, saying:
"This powerful new procedure will promote growth and efficiency."
And the company president looked down on the procedure...
and it was Good!
And that is why Shit Happens.
- Anonymous
-= office and work humor =-= 62 =---------------------------------------------
The Plan (ver. 3)
The Strategic Planning
In the beginning was the Plan, and then the Assumptions:
And the Plan was without form and the Assumptions were void:
And the darkness was upon the faces of the implementers:
And the spake unto their Manager saying:
"It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh,"
And the Manager went to the Area Manager, and the spake unto him saying:
"It is a crock of excrement, and none may abide the odor thereof,"
And the Area Manager went to the Vice-President, and he spake unto him, saying:
"It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may
abide before it,"
And the Vice-President went to the Senior Vice-President and he spake unto him,
saying:
"It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength,"
And the Senior Vice-President went to the Executive Vice-President and he spake
unto him, saying:
"It promoteth growth, and it is very powerful,"
And the President and Chief Operating Officer went before the Chairman of the
Board and Chief Executive Officer, and they spake unto them, saying:
"This powerful new Plan will promote the Growth of the Company,"
And the Chairman of the Board and Chief Executive Officer looked upon the Plan,
and saw that it was good....
And so it is written.
-= office and work humor =-= 63 =---------------------------------------------
The Plan (ver. 4)
The Project
In the beginning was the project, and then the assumptions and the project was
without form and the assumptions were void and the darkness was upon the faces
of the implementors, and they spake unto their manager, saying: "its a crock of
shit, and it stinketh"
and the manager went to the 2nd level manager, and he spake unto him, saying:
"It's a crock of excrement, and none may abide the odor thereof."
and the 2nd level manager went to the 3rd level manager, and he spake unto him,
saying: "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none
may abide before it."
and the 3rd level manager went to the headquarters director and he spake unto
him saying: "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."
and the director went to the division vice president, and he spake unto him,
saying: "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."
and the vice president went to the division president, and he spake unto him,
saying: "It promoteth growth, and it is very powerful."
and the division president went before the executive board, and he spake unto
them, saying: "This powerful new project will promote the growth of the company"
and the executive board looked upon the project,
and saw it was good.
-= office and work humor =-= 64 =---------------------------------------------
Rest Room Policy
To: All Employees
Subj: Restroom Policy
In the past, employees have been permitted to make trips to the restroom under
informal guidelines. Effective January 1, 1995, a Restroom Trip Policy will be
established to provide a more consistent method of accounting for each
employee's restroom time and ensuring equal treatment of employees.
Under the policy, a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established for each employee.
The first day of each month, employees will be given a Restroom Trip credit of
twenty (20) trips. Restroom Trip credits can be accumulated from month to
month.
Within two weeks, the entrances to all restrooms will be equipped with personnel
identification stations and computer linked voice print recognition devices.
Before the end of December, each employee must provide two copies of voice
prints (one normal and one under stress) to the Material Department. The voice
print recognition stations will be operational but not restrictive for the month
of January. Employees should acquaint themselves with the station during that
period.
If the employee's Restroom Bank balance reaches zero, the doors to the restroom
will not unlock for that employee's voice until the first of the next month. In
addition, all restroom stalls are being equipped with timed paper toll
retractors. If the stall is occupied for more than three (3) minutes, an alarm
will sound. Thirty (30) seconds after the alarm sounds the roll of paper will
retract into the wall, the toilet will flush, and the stall door will open. If
the stall remains occupied, your picture will be taken.
The picture will then be posted on the Distribution Center Bulletin Boards.
Anyone's picture showing up three (3) times will be immediately terminated. If
you have any questions about this policy, please ask your immediate supervisor.
They have all received advance instruction.
Thank you and have a nice day,
The Boss
Tb/bts
-= office and work humor =-= 65 =---------------------------------------------
Additional Training
It is now and always has been the policy of this department to assure its
students that they are well educated. Through our Special High Intensity
Training program (SHIT), we have given our students more SHIT than any other
college in the area.
If any student feels that he or she could advance to another college by
taking more SHIT, see the department chairperson.
Our teachers are specially trained to assure that students will get all the
SHIT that they can handle.
Any individual who feels he or she has nor received sufficient Special High
Intensity Training, tell your teacher, so he/she can put you at the top of the
SHIT list.
Management
-= office and work humor =-= 66 =---------------------------------------------
Special Training
Memorandum
To: All Employees
From: Special High Intensity Training
In order to assure that we continue to produce the highest quality work
possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our
program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T). We are giving our
employees more S.H.I.T. than any other company in town.
If you feel you do not receive your fair share of S.H.I.T. on the job,
please see your supervisor. You will immediately be placed on top of the
S.H.I.T. list for special attention.
All of our supervisors are particularly qualified to see that you get all the
S.H.I.T. you can handle at your own speed.
If you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you may be interested
in helping us train others. We can add you to our Basic Understanding Lecture
List, Special High Intensity Training (B.U.L.L. - S.H.I.T) program
If you have any further questions, please address them to our Head Of
Training - Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T - S.H.I.T) program.
Thank you,
Boss In General
Special High Intensity Training
(B.I.G. - S.H.I.T)
P.S. With the personality some of you display around here, you could easily
become the Director of Intensity Programming - Special High Intensity Training
(D.I.P. - S.H.I.T).
-= office and work humor =-= 67 =---------------------------------------------
To: All staff
From: Office Of Superintendent
Re: Teacher In Service Training Schedule (T.I.T.S.)
In accordance with recent changes in the State Education Law, our district is
now required to supply bigger and better T.I.T.S. for each employee.
We are therefore pleased to announce the implementation of the Special High
Intensity Training program (S.H.I.T.). It is our intention to give each member
of the staff as much S.H.I.T. as possible. Advancement, salary increases, and
job changes will be dependent on the amount of S.H.I.T. you have taken.
Employees who feel they have taken as much S.H.I.T. as they can may apply to the
School Council for Review of Educational Welfare (S.C.R.E.W.). All employees are
expected to be S.C.R.E.W.'d at least annually. If you have taken S.H.I.T. and
have been S.C.R.E.W.'d within the past academic year, you will be eligible to
receive a Self Help Award for Teachers (S.H.A.F.T.). Any employee who has been
given the S.H.A.F.T. will not be expected to take as much S.H.I.T. the following
year.
The only exception to this regulation are those teachers who have Bilingual
Activities in Language, Literature and Science (B.A.L.L.S.). Teachers with
enough B.A.L.L.S. may avoid being S.C.R.E.W.'d annually. Teachers in this
category are eligible for courses offered by the Boston University Local
Language program (B.U.L.L.). Approval for B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. courses must be
obtained from the Superintendent's Office-Business (S.O.B.). Only the S.O.B.
can determine how much S.H.I.T. an employee must take before being S.C.R.E.W.'d.
Those teachers who have taken enough S.H.I.T. courses, have S.C.R.E.W.'d, and
given the S.H.A.F.T. are eligible for the Regional Educational Division Award
for Superior Service (R.E.D.A.S.S.). Only teachers with R.E.D.A.S.S. will be
considered for administrative positions and entitled to give more S.H.I.T. than
they take.
-= office and work humor =-= 68 =---------------------------------------------
Employee Professional Improvement Courses (EPIC) for 1994.
E100 Molding Your Employee's Behavior Through Guilt & Fear
E103 Eye Avoidance Techniques
E104 The Primal Shrug
E110 Overcoming Peace of Mind
E155 Cross-Dressing for Success
E200 Career Opportunities in El Salvador
E309 Slide Rule Shortcuts
E404 Tax Shelters for the Indigent
E451 "I made $100 in Real Estate!"
E520 Creative Suffering
EB42 Whine Your Way to Higher Pay
EB59 How to Profit From Your Own Body
EB94 Underachiever's Guide to Very Small Business Opportunities
EC13 Bonsai Your Pet
EC22 Communication Through Tap Dance
EC83 Christianity & the Art of RV Maintenance
EC77 Sinus Drainage in the Office
EF69 Dealing With Post-Realization Depression
EC77 Ego Gratification Through Violence
EF93 How to Overcome Self-Doubt Through Pretense & Ostentation
EH99 Biofeedback & How to Stop
EH12 Suicide & Your Health
EH23 How to Convert Your Office into a Garage
EH41 Money Can Make You Rich
EH58 High Fiber Sex
EJ33 Creative Tooth Decay
EJ56 The Joys of Hypochondria
EJ78 Looter's Guide to American Cities
EH12 How to Draw Genitalia
EH12 The Repair & Maintenance of Your Virginity
EM19 Gifts for the Senile
EB42 Burglarproof Your Home in Concrete
EX14 Guilt Without Sex
-= office and work humor =-= 69 =---------------------------------------------
Qualification Test
Your man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in
Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the
same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager. Upon
completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager
went to Murphy and said.
Manager: "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American
the job"
Murphy: "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct.
This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!"
Manager: "We have made our decisions not on the correct answers, but on the
question you missed."
Murphy: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
Manager: "Simple, the American put down on question #5, "I don't know.", You
put down "Neither do I." :^)
-= office and work humor =-= 70 =---------------------------------------------
Those That Become Managers
The world is divided into two groups. There are those who know, and those who
don't know. Those who know, they're no problem. Those who don't know are also
in two groups. One is those who don't know, and know they don't know. Well,
they can learn! But then, there are those who don't know, and don't know they
don't know. And they become unit managers!
-= office and work humor =-= 71 =---------------------------------------------
Buzzwords For Managers
Column I Column II Column III
--------------------- --------------------- --------------------
0. integrated 0. management 0. options
1. heuristic 1. organizational 1. flexibility
2. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability
3. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility
4. functional 4. digital 4. programming
5. responsive 5. logistical 5. scenarios
6. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase
7. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection
8. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware
9. futuristic 9. policy 9. contingency
The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number; then select the
corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, number 257 produces
"systematized logistical projection", a phrase that can be dropped into
virtually any report with that ring of decisive knowledgeable authority. No one
will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about, but the important
thing is that they will not admit it.
-= office and work humor =-= 72 =---------------------------------------------
(Not that we never write anything like this, but this extract comes from "Well
Informed", the SBD-E (Rank Xerox) Newsletter:)
From a recent monthly report:
Whilst acknowledging that ascertaining the requirements for an improved system
has been a lengthy and at times frustrating exercise, particularly to those on
the sidelines, the investigation phase of this task is now almost complete and
the draft versions of requirements for, and appraisals of, certain proposals
will be completed by the end of the first week in Feb.
-= office and work humor =-= 73 =---------------------------------------------
The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to
listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one girl laughed
uproariously. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense
of humor?" "I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday."
-= office and work humor =-= 74 =---------------------------------------------
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late
for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do
something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him
to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in
the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
"Boss", he said, " The pill actually worked !"
"That's all fine" said the boss, " But where were you yesterday?"
-= office and work humor =-= 75 =---------------------------------------------
Who To Lay Off?
Jack and Jill are both vice-presidents of the same company. One Friday, the
president and CEO of the company calls them both into his office. "The company
is going through some rough times right now", the president began. "We're
having to cut costs where we can, and, as much as it I hate to do this, the
company cannot afford two vice-presidents, so I will have to let one of you go.
You are both equally qualified and do your jobs well so I can't find any
criteria on which to base this decision. What I will do is lay off the first
one of you to leave your desk on Monday."
Monday morning, the boss is there early, looking out his inter-office window
waiting for his two vice presidents. Jack arrives almost 10 minutes early,
flips through his rolodex and starts to make some phone calls. Jill had been
out partying the night before, so she arrives right at 8, sits at her desk, and
starts reading some documents and making notes. The two work for a couple of
hours, but Jill is kind of hung over, so she gets up from her desk, goes to the
water cooler and takes some aspirin.
The boss sees this, and goes to the water cooler to talk to Jill. "Jill," he
says, "You left your desk."
"Yeah, so?" Jill replies.
"Don't you remember the meeting on Friday?" the boss says. "We need to cut
costs and I either have to lay you or Jack off."
"So jack off," says Jill, "I've got a headache."
-= office and work humor =-= 76 =---------------------------------------------
Innovators & Copiers
And this was being passed around at Xerox:
I received a flyer yesterday advertising a workshop on INNOVATIVE management,
qualifying itself with the following quote from someone who clearly knows
something about technology I don't:
"It is a tragedy in our society that we have so few innovators, and so many
copiers."
-= office and work humor =-= 77 =---------------------------------------------
Not Funny, But Strange
The Centers for Disease Control reported that the leading cause of on-the-job
death for female workers is not accidents but murder - at a rate of 3 1/2 times
that for male workers.
-= office and work humor =-= 78 =---------------------------------------------
Japanese Management Lecture
Four corporate presidents, one English, one French, one Japanese and one
American, were on their way to an international business conference when they
were kidnapped by terrorists and taken to a secret hideout.
"You, your companies, and you countries are enemies of the Revolution,"
screamed the terrorist leader, "and you're going to be executed! Do you have
any last requests?"
The Englishman spoke first.
"Before I die, I want to honor my country and protest this barbaric act by
singing "God Save The Queen" to all you men."
"That can be arranged," said the terrorist.
The Frenchman said, "And I want to honor MY country before I die by singing
"The Marseilles" to your men."
The Japanese said, "Before I die, I wish to honor MY country by giving the
lecture I was going to present on the Mapanese style of industrial management."
The terrorist turned finally to the American.
"What is YOUR last request?"
The American replied, "I want you to kill me right now so I don't have to
listen to another lecture on the Japanese style of industrial management!"
-= office and work humor =-= 79 =---------------------------------------------
Memorandum
To: All Employees
Since productivity has not increased since the implementation of the 7-day work
week, the stoppage of all company health and retirement plans, the 20% pay cut,
the 10-year pay freeze, the installation of video cameras in company restrooms,
the hiring of the corporate truant officers to check up on all employees calling
in sick, and the random drug and dirty underwear screenings, management has
decided that the beatings and mandatory self-flagellations will continue until
morale improves.
-= office and work humor =-= 80 =---------------------------------------------
Retirement Gift
When Willie retired from the railway after 50 years' service, the company
presented him with an old coach to keep in his garden as a memento.
One wet day, his friends found him sitting on the step of the coach, smoking
his pipe with an old sack over his shoulders to keep out the rain.
"Hullo, Willie," said his pals, "why are ye no' inside on a day like this?"
"Can ye no' see," replied Willie, with a nod toward the coach. "They sent me
a non-smoker!"
-= office and work humor =-= 81 =---------------------------------------------
Retirement Policy #1
To: All personnel
From: Corporate Headquarters
Subj: New Retirement Plan
As part of our corporate-wide cost reduction efforts, we are going to reduce our
number of personnel by means of a new retirement plan. Managers are being
mailed a package containing all of the details; the highlights are presented
here.
Under the Plan, older employees will go on Early Retirement, thus permitting us
to retain the younger people who represent our future.
The program, which will be placed into effect immediately, will phase out all
the older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year. The program shall be
known as RAPE (Retire Aged Personnel Early)
Employees who are being RAPEd will be given the opportunity to seek other jobs
within the company, provided that while they are being RAPEd, they request a
review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This
phase of the Plan is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early
Workers).
All employees who are being RAPEd and SCREWed are eligible for a trial review by
higher management. This will be called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority
Following Termination.)
The provisions of the Plan dictate that employees may be RAPEd once and SCREWed
twice, but may get the SHAFT as many times as the company deems
appropriate.
Employees fulfilling the above requirements of the Plan are entitled to get
HERPES (Half Earnings of Retired Persons Employment Service). HERPES is
considered a bonus plan, since employees who have HERPES will no longer be RAPEd
or SCREWed by the company.
It is now, and always has been, the policy of the company to assure that
employees are well-trained. To accomplish this, a new program called SHIT
(Special High Intensity Training) will be put into effect. With this program, we
will now be able to give our employees more SHIT than any other company.
If an employee feels that he or she is not getting enough SHIT on the job, or
that he or she could advance to another position by taking more SHIT, please see
your manager.
Our management people are specially trained to see to it that you will get all
the SHIT you can stand.
-= office and work humor =-= 82 =---------------------------------------------
Retirement Policy #2
Memorandum
To: All Personnel
Subj: New Retirement Policy
As a result of the reduction in money budgeting for division purposes, we are
working to cut down our number of personnel.
Under the plan, older employees will go on early retirement, thus permitting the
retention of younger people who represent our future plans.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current
fiscal year via early retirement will be placed into effect immediately. The
program shall be known as RAPE (Retired Aged Personnel - Early).
Employees who are RAPEd will be given the opportunity to seek other jobs within
the corporation, provided that while they are being RAPEd, they request a review
of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of
the operation is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may also apply for a trial review,
called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).
Program policy dictates employees may be RAPED once and SCREWED twice, but may
get the SHAFT as many times as the company deems appropriate.
The Management
-= office and work humor =-= 83 =---------------------------------------------
Keywords: Bureaucracy
Memorandum
From: Headquarters - New York
To: General Managers
Next Thursday at 10:30, Halley's Comet will appear over this area. This is an
event which occurs only once every 75 years. Notify all directors and have them
arrange for all employees to assemble on the Company lawn and inform them of the
occurrence of this phenomenon. If it rains, cancel the day's observation and
assemble in the auditorium to see a film about the comet.
Memorandum
From: General Manager
To: Managers
By order of the Executive Vice President, next Thursday at 10:30, Halley's Comet
will appear over the Company lawn. If it rains, cancel the day's work and
report to the auditorium with all employees where we will show films: a
phenomenal event which occurs every 75 years.
Memorandum
From: Manager
To: All Department Chiefs
By order of the phenomenal Vice President, at 10:30 next Thursday, Halley's
Comet will appear in the auditorium. In case of rain over the Company lawn, the
Executive Vice President will give another order, something which occurs only
every 75 years.
Memorandum
From: Department Chief
To: Section Chiefs
Next Thursday at 10:30, the Executive Vice President will appear in the
auditorium with Halley's Comet, something which occurs every 75 years. If it
rains, the Executive Vice President will cancel the comet and order us all out
to our phenomenal Company lawn.
Memorandum
From: Section Chief
To: All EA's
When it rains next Thursday at 10:30 over the Company lawn, the phenomenal 75
year old Executive Vice President will cancel all work and appear before all
employees in the auditorium accompanied by Bill Halley and his Comets.
-= office and work humor =-= 84 =---------------------------------------------
Commuting for the beginner.
In this hurly-burly world of Inter-City travel, there are few things that
warm a worker's heart more than the prospect of commuting. It is a safe bet to
place that at some time during your working lives, you will all have to commute
(in fact, the mathematicians amongst you will have been doing this already for
some time).
Commuting in its very simplest essence is a journey from home to work, and
back again. This simple description, however, does not convey the full joy that
can be had from commuting. A typical enjoyable commuting day (and it can take a
whole day just to commute) may begin as follows:
6.30am Wake up. Actually, this is totally wrong, because at that time, you're
not capable of waking up. What a pity somebody didn't tell your alarm clock
this! All that you are physically capable of doing is hitting the snooze button.
7.05am This is the time when you typically find that it wasn't the snooze
button that you hit, but that tiny little switch that turns the alarm mechanism
off. Well, I say this is the time that you find it, but in fact it's just the
time that your alarm clock tells you. What you find out when you switch the
radio on, is that there was a power cut for half an hour, and the time is now
7.30am The time in the morning when the bed-clothes ricochet off one wall of
the room, and lie crumpled in a heap daring you to waste enough time to make the
bed before you go out. Also the time when you discover you don't have enough
co-ordination to open your bedroom door, nor can you remember whether said door
pushes or pulls. Immediately you work this out, it is
7.40am Having spent ten minutes trying to wrestle the door back onto its
hinges, you achieve terminal velocity trying to come to terms with stairs. Quite
probably you would have broken your neck, if the ground hadn't broken your fall.
You lie dazed and stunned outside the shower, next to the toilet. It is at this
time that you make the first decision of your working day - which to enter
first. You know that should you enter the shower first, you will spend most of
your time knotting your legs as the running water cascades off your body,
already full of liquid from the night before. So, you choose the loo. Again,
this is a bad move, as you discover when it's
7.45am You enter the shower, set it to the required temperature. Immediately
you turn the water on, scalding hot needles pierce the thin fabric of your skin.
Obviously you have set the shower too hot. It is now time to play the
thermodynamic equilibrium game. Can you balance the hot/cold settings of the
shower, playing against the combined enemies of the cistern refilling, the
dishwasher hot-rinsing, and the kettle being filled? Bear in mind also that the
water takes some eight to ten seconds to register the changes you have made at
the taps. It is like trying to juggle three red hot pokers with both hands tied
behind your back, and your jaws wired together. Finally, after your refreshing
shower, it's
7.55am and time for that most invigorating of activities - the early morning
shave. Firstly, don't give in to that temptation to shave your tongue - it may
feel as though it's covered in more dense fur than the whole of David Bellamy,
but just wait till you clean your teeth! (when it'll feel as though your tongue
is a cross between King Kong and a Wrigley's chewing gum factory). Having
decided that it's the external part of the face you're going to shave, you
choose your weapon. Five minutes later, staggering from loss of blood, a female
voice comes through the door asking if it was alright to use your last razor the
previous night. And finally, the after-shave. Breathe in, grit your teeth, and
throw a quarter of the bottle in the vague direction of your chin. Done? Good,
now let go of the light fitting, and exit the bathroom.
8.10am And you finally realize that you're going to be far too late for the
train. Unless you miss breakfast. But your stomach and brain haven't got this
one sorted out yet. You try for the compromise, and it is five minutes later
that we find you sat on the bus, looking for all the world like an advert for
Kellogg's Crunchy Nuts.
8.20am Says the platform clock, although the trains seem to be disagreeing. A
voice comes over the tannoy, and the clarity amazes you - you can hear every
word the announcer says. Hear, yes - understand, no. What it sounds like he is
saying is "The train now stoning at platten fumf is for Lun Woo. Caw at Beran,
Renpa, Newman, Women, Early, Clam Jun, Vall, and Lun Walloon.", and all spoken
with clarity of a Dalek sucking a throat pastille. This announcement would be
fine and dandy if it weren't for the computerized tannoy man immediately
following this announcement. According to him, "The train now at platform one
is for London Waterloo only. We apologize for the delay which was caused by a
squirrel waving to the driver just outside Hampton Court." Even the excuses are
randomized by British Rail's computers nowadays.
As the train pulls up to the platform, it's time for the first two favourite
commuting games!
1) Is it my train?
Tricky one this - the best way of finding out is to play logic games with the
guard, along the lines of "If I asked the other guard, would he say this was the
train I don't want to get on?" However, the only blue-suited demons around are
up the other end of the track, trying to stop some old lady from feeding the
trains with breadcrumbs. Seasoned commuters at this point look around them to
see the reaction of everyone else. If you see someone moving that you think you
recognize, but can never remember being introduced to them, it's probably
because they catch the same train as you. Follow them.
2) Where will my carriage stop?
Well, that all depends on what type of train it is, how good the driver's
reactions are, whether he's passed his cycling proficiency test or not, and how
shocked he was by the squirrel outside Hampton Court. Suffice it to say that
what stops opposite you will be one of the following three things:
a) the guard's van. The guard values his privacy and is unlikely to let you
on.
b) the first class compartment. Unless you own your own company (and
preferably British Rail at that), you can forget being allowed in here. It has
stricter entry requirements than Eton - you have to put your name down for a
seat before you're conceived, and you have to do that in person.
c) the smoking compartment. 'Nuff said.
So, it's that old favourite, running up the track to find the only
non-smoking compartment with a seat in it, only to find that it's covered in
some clean, bright, new chewing gum. It is at this point that fun enters into
the entire proceedings, as we play the third game.
3) Stare 'em out.
This game has its roots in primitive psychology, and is designed to put you
completely at ease, while the rest of the compartment decide that you're some
kind of dangerous lunatic.
Choose a person at random - preferably a very attractive member of the
opposite sex, as it makes what you're about to do so much easier. Now stare at
them. After a very short while indeed, you will find them trying to sneak
surreptitious glances at you to check whether you're still watching them. Each
time they look up at you, smile at them as though you've just noticed that they
have a traffic cone on their head, but you're being too polite to mention it.
If you ever wanted to know what a person with acute paranoia looks like, just
keep watching.
Finally, before you know it, you're making an unscheduled stop. Sirens are
blaring, and somebody somewhere is frantically thumping on a door. This doesn't
mean anyone wants to get out - these are the guys with the stretcher who want to
get in. Unfortunately, the man with the heart-attack is in first-class, who
aren't going to let the ambulance men in until they can be taught to say please
properly.
Eventually, you arrive at Lun Walloon, and you start to play the fourth game,
commonly known as
4) Running the gauntlet.
As you exit the platform, various people in different costumes walk straight
towards you. The less well equipped are simply holding their hands out and
asking for the price of a cup of meths. Those who have been in this game for
several years are wearing a 'Save the Atlantic Anteater from the Ozone Hole and
Melanoma Campaign' sweatshirt, are large enough that the print on the sweatshirt
is readable, and shake their dreaded receptacles in your face. Reluctantly you
realize that you are cornered, and you reach for your money. Along with your
handkerchief, you pull out half the Brazilian national debt, which seems to fall
straight for the open mouth of the plastic anteater the woman is carrying, and
you have lost a large proportion of your overdraft.
Finally feeling that you have done some good for the other oppressed animals
of the world, you pass down into the bowels of the earth, ready for the magical
mystery tour of some of London's oldest sewers - the Underground.
The new ticket barriers are wonderful devices, designed to take a piece of
card imprinted with a magnetic strip, and to shred it into a million and one
brightly coloured little pieces, while shrieking violently and persuading you to
seek assistance. You persuade the blue-suited goon that the confetti floating
down the escalators cost you two hundred pounds, and would normally accompany
the photograph that makes you out to be some kind of alien road accident.
At last you hit the down escalator. It is at this point that the full horror
of what you drank the previous night hits you - you realize what Maurits Escher
felt when he etched those woodcuts of stairs in all feasible directions. Your
mind tells you that you're standing upright, and travelling downwards, but the
liquid still sloshing around the inside of your head convinces you that you are
lying backwards (despite gravity to the contrary), and that the escalator is
travelling at right angles to reality. Just before you fall over, the escalator
reaches the bottom, and the grills that prevent you from rolling back round with
the steps lacerate the toe of each shoe.
Once again we play the merry little game of "Where are the doors going to
stop", only on a much smaller scale, since there are no guards, no first-class,
and no smoking. This should make the tube a more hospitable place, but instead
you have to try and find the only compartment without a seven foot-tall
psychedelic gorilla with a walkman at full volume.
Finally seated, the doors close, and another crystal clear announcement rings
through the train. "Due to industrial action by the man that spreads the
fag-ends around the station, this train will not be stopping at your station.
Repeat, this train will not be stopping at your station. Thank you." Thank you
for what, that's what I'd like to know. The train pulls out, and as you
approach your station the train begins to slow down. This is of little surprise
to you, since it is you and a select band of people who also want to get off
here that have hijacked the train.
Your ticket is inspected, the lifts don't work, and you have to climb one
hundred and seventeen dangerously narrow steps, and the one thought that keeps
you going is this:
"Only another eight hours till I have to go the other way."
[The author is a computer programmer who spends much of his 'working' day
commuting between Surbiton and the Elephant and Castle district of London. Of
the many sights along his route are:
Beran - Berrylands
Renpa - Raynes Park
Newman - New Malden
Women - Wimbledon
Early - Earlsfield
Clam Jun - Clapham Junction
Vall - Vauxhall
Lun Walloon - London Waterloo
This educational article has been brought to you by Culpability Jones -
a.k.a. Gombo]
-= office and work humor =-= 85 =---------------------------------------------
Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked, "Say, why did the
foreman fire you?"
Replied the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around
and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started
thinking I was the foreman."
-= office and work humor =-= 86 =---------------------------------------------
A new employee was habitually late. Finally, the foreman called him in.
"Don't you know what time we go to work here?" he shouted.
"No, sir," was the reply, "I haven't been able to figure it out yet, because
the rest of you are already here."
-= office and work humor =-= 87 =---------------------------------------------
From Dave Barry:
To succeed in a business or organization, it is sometimes helpful to know
what your job is, and whether it involves any duties. Ask around among your
coworkers. "Hi," you should say. "I'm a new employee. What is the name of my
job?"
If they answer "long range planner" or "lieutenant governor," you are free to
lounge around and do crossword puzzles until retirement. Most other jobs,
however, will involve some work.
There are two major kinds of work in modern organizations:
1. Taking phone messages for people who are in meetings, and
2. Going to meetings.
Your ultimate career strategy will be to get to a job involving primarily #2,
going to meetings, as soon as possible, because that's where the prestige is.
It is all very well and good to be able to take phone messages, but you are
never going to get a position of power, a position where you can cost thousands
of people their jobs with a single bonehead decision, unless you learn how to
attend meetings.
The first meeting ever held was in the Mezzanine Era. In those days, the job
of humans was to slay prey, bring it home, and figure out how to cook it. The
problem was humans were slow and basically naked, whereas the prey had warm fur
and could run like an antelope; in fact, it was an antelope, only back then
nobody knew this.
At last, someone said, "Maybe if we just sat down and did some Brainstorming,
we could come up with a better way to hunt our prey!" It went extremely well,
plus it was much warmer sitting in a circle, so they agreed to meet again the
next day, and the next.
But it was pointed out that, prey-wise, the humans had not produced anything,
and the race was pretty much starving. This was a serious point so the humans
put it right near the top of their Agenda! At which point, some of the people
in the meeting, who were primitive but not stupid, started eating plants. Thus
was born modern agriculture. It could never have happened without meetings.
The modern business meeting, however, might be better compared with a
funeral, in the sense that you have a gathering of people who are wearing
uncomfortable clothing and would rather be elsewhere. The major difference is
that most funerals have a definite purpose. Also, nothing is ever really buried
in a meeting.
An idea may look dead, but it will always reappear at another meeting later
on. If you have ever seen the movie "Night of the Living Dead" you have a rough
idea of how modern meetings operate, with projects and proposals that everybody
thought were killed rising constantly from their graves to stagger back into
meetings to eat the brains of the living.
There are two major kinds of meetings:
1. Meetings that are held for basically the same reason that Arbor Day is
observed, namely tradition. For example, a lot of managerial meetings fall into
this category. You'll get used to this kind of meeting. You'd better, because
this kind accounts for 83% of all meetings (based on a study in which I wrote
down numbers until one of them looked about right). This type of meeting
operates the way "Show and Tell" does in nursery school, with everybody getting
to say something, the difference being that in nursery school kids actually have
something new to say. When it's your turn, you should say you're still working
on whatever it is you're supposed to be working on. This may seem dumb, since
_obviously_ you'd be working on whatever you're supposed to be working on, and
even if you weren't, you'd claim you were, but this is the traditional thing for
everyone to say. It would be a lot faster if the person running the meeting
would just say, "Everybody who is still working on what he or she is supposed to
be working on raise your hand!" You'd be out of there in five minutes, even
allowing time for jokes. But this is not how we do it in America. My guess is,
it's how they do it in Japan.
2. Meetings where there is some alleged purpose. These are trickier, because
what you do depends on what the purpose is. Sometimes, the purpose is harmless,
like somebody wants to show slides of pie charts and give everybody a copy of a
big fat report. All you have to do in this kind of meeting is sit there and have
elaborate fantasies, then take the report back to your office and throw it away,
unless of course you're a vice president, in which case you write the name of a
subordinate in the upper right hand corner, followed by a question mark, like
this: "Pat?" Then you send it to Pat and forget all about it (although it will
plague Pat throughout the following weeks and months).
But sometimes you go to meetings where the purpose is to get your "input" on
something. This is serious, because what it means is they want to make sure that
in case whatever it is turns out to be stupid or fatal, you'll get some of the
blame. So you have to somehow escape from the meeting before they get around to
asking you anything. One way is to set fire to your shoes.
Another is to have an accomplice interrupt the meeting and announce that you
have a phone call from somebody very important, such as the president of the
company, or the pope. It should be either one or the other. It would sound
fishy if the accomplice said, "You have a call from the president of the
company. Or the pope."
You should know how to take notes at a meeting. Use a yellow legal pad. At
the top, write the date and underline it twice. Now wait until an important
person such as your boss starts talking. When s/he does, assume an expression of
rapt interest, as though the secrets of life itself were being revealed. Then
draw interlocking rectangles on the legal pad. If it is an especially lengthy
meeting, you may draw more elaborate doodles and a caricature of your boss.
If somebody falls asleep in a meeting, have everybody else leave the room.
Then collect a group of total strangers right off the street and have them sit
around the sleeping person until s/he awakens. Then have one of them say, in a
very somber voice, "Terry, your plan is very, very risky. However, you've given
us no choice but to try it. I only hope for your sake, that you know what you're
getting yourself into." Then they should all file quietly from the room.
-= office and work humor =-= 88 =---------------------------------------------
I'm in on-line support, and I get a lot of unintentional humor out of it.
The wierdest thing that happens to me on the phone is that every rare now and
then the phone rings and I answer, "Hewlett-Packard, this is Greg Goebel."
"Hi. Can you hold?"
The first time this happened to me, I wondered if I was dreaming and hadn't
awakened.
-= office and work humor =-= 89 =---------------------------------------------
I wrote these 2 "Top 10 (tm)" lists during my last few days as a Tandem
employee. There are a few Tandem-specific references, but overall should be
easily adapted to IBM, Apple, etc.
The Players:
Jimmy - Jimmy Treybig, President
Russ - Russ Cappellino, VP, hatchet-man
Torus Net - New networking technology, "kinda like a donut"
Tandem Telecom - Small(er) division of Tandem.
Top 10 Job Opportunities For Laid Off Tandem Telecom Employees
10. Sperm/Plasma Donor - "Seed 'n' Bleed"
9. Surrogate mother - Why get f*cked over only once this quarter?
8. Drool collector for Jimmy's next speech.
7. Counting stock-options for the executives who got us all into this mess.
6. Tandem Public Relations Consultant - "Hey, at least we're not IBM!"
5. Free lance Marketing: Change "Torus Net" to "Donut Net" in order to break
into the lucrative Law Enforcement market.
4. Stay permanently unemployed as a political favor to Bob Dole.
3. Speech therapist for John Sculley ("say it! I-B-M!").
2. You can still "work in tandem" if you go to the unemployment office in
pairs!
1. Resume writing!
Top 10 Reasons Tandem Telecom Got Cut
10. Due to a misunderstanding, Jimmy thought we'd been delivering softporn to
customers.
9. So many of us have young children, Jimmy reasoned that at least we'd all
have something to eat.
8. Cappellino was "double dog dared" by the flatulent ghost of Mussolini.
7. Jimmy's supply of lithium dangerously low, had to cut costs fast!
6. Took advantage of IBM's "fire one of yours, get seven of ours free" offer.
5. Jimmy heard that McDonald's was hiring.
4. TT male employees giving Jimmy penis envy.
3. So are the female employees.
2. Was impressed by ATF's handling of Waco, but then read in Courier that
"burning employees alive expressly forbidden."
1. Corporate's just getting warmed up...
-= office and work humor =-= 90 =---------------------------------------------
At my workplace, we have two bins for recycling paper. One is called "White
paper only" and the other is called "Colored paper only". Needless to say, I
later found "Colored paper" scribbled out and "Paper of Color" written above it.
-= office and work humor =-= 91 =---------------------------------------------
A not-very-bright shorthand typist (or maybe she wanted to teach her boss a
lesson?) presented the following letter for signature:
Dear Mr. Tomlinson,
Now let me see. What shall I tell the old fool? In reply to yours of the
sixteenth, we are surprised to learn that the car which you purchased from us is
not giving perfect satisfaction. We had to sell it quickly before it fell to
bits.
As you know, we inspect all cars thoroughly before putting them up for sale.
Your vehicle was in excellent condition when it left our showrooms. That's a
nice dress. New, isn't it?
It is possible that your driver is at fault. Five miles to the gallon is
very poor mileage for a car in such good condition as yours. Five gallons to the
mile would be about right. I never noticed before you have a little dimple on
your chin. Please bring it round at your convenience and our mechanic will make
the necessary adjustments.
Yours faithfully,
Just sign it yourself.
-= office and work humor =-= 92 =---------------------------------------------
In Toronto, Canada, the Infant Feeding Action Coalition promoted breast-feeding
by distributing posters. One poster read:
Sometimes it's OK to suck up to the boss.
-= office and work humor =-= 93 =---------------------------------------------
Why are government employees like a Titan missile?
Because they don't work, and you can't fire them.
It was told to me (I'm a Federal government employee) by a former co-worker/boss
who had been employed by the USAF, as a secretary, which was where she heard it.
-= office and work humor =-= 94 =---------------------------------------------
Memorandum
All Employees:
In light of the Williamson county ruling against tax breaks to companies with
progressive policies towards homosexuals, management at DWB (Damn We're Big)
have come up with a few new policies:
o All seating in the cafeteria will be boy-girl-boy-girl. If this can not be
done, men will be required to grunt after every swallow and talk sports in a
loud boisterous manner. Women seated next to each other must giggle and
exchange coupons.
o No same sex cubemates will be allowed. If a building can not comply to such
a rule, occupants of said cube must, if male: come to blows at least weekly
over such matters as Craftsman vs Stanley tools, Inboard vs Outboard Boat
Motors, and favorite adult Tanning Salons; if female: come to blows over the
stealing of husbands/boyfriends or wardrobe accessorizing.
o (Male rule only) No male is allowed to stand next to another male during
urinal utilization. If nature demands such a situation, the adjacent males
are required to look into the next stall and say something derogatory in
reference to anatomy size.
o (Female rule only) All females are required to say something overtly
feminine in any organizational meeting. The statement must be considered
ditzy, irrelevant, and on the intelligence level of a ripened beet. For
example, during a meeting concerning I/O Planar CAD simulation, a female
employee might say, "Let's not talk about such technical things - it gives me
such a headache. Why don't we just go malling for some new pumps!"
Any violation of this rule will incur the following punishment:
Male: 10 hours of John Wayne movies or 4 home improvement instructional
sessions at Home Depot.
Female: 10 hours of forced recreation with "Malibu" Ken and Barbie dolls.
These rules are effective immediately. So let's hop to it and be hetero!
Remember: We in DWB management feel "Tab A in Slot B" is not only sound
biological policy but more importantly, it's swell for tax breaks.
- Management -
-= office and work humor =-= 95 =---------------------------------------------
Problem Solving Flowchart
_________________________
yes | Does the damn | no
---------------| thing work? |----------------
| ------------------------- V
| ________________
| yes | Did you mess |
| --------| with it? |
______________ V ----------------
| Don't mess | _______________ |
| with it! | | You dumb | |
-------------- ------- | shit !!! | | no
| V --------------- |
| no _______________ V
| ------| Does anyone | _______________
| | | know? | yes | Will you |
| | --------------- --------| catch hell? |
| V | | ---------------
| -------- | yes V |
| | Hide | | ______________ |
| | it! | ------->| You poor | | no
| -------- | bastard! | |
| | ------->-------------- |
| | | | |
| | | no V V
| | | _________________ _____________
| | | | Can you blame | | Forget |
| | ------| someone else? | | it. |
| | ----------------- -------------
| | | yes |
| | V |
| | ----------------- |
| ----------->| No | |
| | problem! |[---------------
---------------------->-----------------
-= office and work humor =-= 96 =---------------------------------------------
Here is some important business advice my Doctor gave me...
Your Guide To Safe Fax
Q. Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A. Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people who fax
complete strangers every day.
Q. My parents said they never had fax when we were young and had to write to
each other until they were twenty-one. How old do you think someone should
be before they fax?
A. Faxing can be performed at any age once you learn the correct procedures.
Q. If I fax something to myself, will I go blind?
A. Certainly not, as far as I can see.
Q. There is a place on our street where you can go and pay for fax. I this
legal?
A. Yes!!! Many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a
'professional' when their need for fax becomes too great.
Q. Should a cover always be used for faxing?
A. Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should be used
to ensure safe faxing.
Q. What happens when I incorrectly use the procedure and I fax prematurely?
A. Don't panic! Many people prematurely fax when they haven't faxed in a long
time. Just start over; most people don't mind if you try again.
Q. I have a personal and a business fax. Can transmissions become mixed up?
A. Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover with each
one, you won't transmit anything you're not supposed to.
-= office and work humor =-= 97 =---------------------------------------------
Believe it or not, there's a group called the Better Sleep Council which has
the following statistics from a survey of 1,000 working adults:
Have You Ever Dozed Off At Work?
Men Women Overall
Yes 26% 13% 19%
No 73% 85% 79%
Don't know 1% 4% 2%
(Don't know?)
Does it matter if you sleep on the job? Of course it does, if you're an airline
pilot. But the BSC says sleeping on the job costs U.S. industry $15 to $50
billion annually.
-= office and work humor =-= 98 =---------------------------------------------
My boss sent this around to all of the technical staff the other day. Since
many of the people on the internet work in software shops, this may strike a
familiar chord....
To: Technical Staff
From: [Name withheld to protect the managers]
Subject: Working Smarter
Date: Early February, 1994
In our ongoing effort to work smart, not hard, it will be easier to work smart
if we can identify those entities that make us work hard, not smart. The
following are to be avoided:
1. Working on projects with unrealistic time deadlines where the only result is
delivering something that doesn't work. If the delivery date can't be changed,
modify the scope of the project so that the deliverable is quality work that can
be extended to the full specification later.
2. Taking directions from the wrong people. Not everyone here has as their goal
to work smart. Everyone who is not a member of the technical staff is a
potential enemy as well as an ally. Since this is war we must keep our guard up
at all times.
Some guidelines may help.
Any information coming from the sales consultants is to be treated carefully.
If there is any question regarding the validity of the information confirm the
information with the technical account manager. Although the consultants are our
allies, they are easily confused. Their loyalties can be easily bought and sold.
They worship at the altar of money and power, although they don't often go to
church, watch out when they do.
A particularly nefarious group is the marketing department. Their mission is
to provide guidance and tools to the sales department. They often must predict
the future and provide demonstrations of what the future will provide. To do
this, they have to consult with oracles, soothsayers, and magicians. The sounds
coming from their work areas are often mistaken for learned discussions but are
in actuality incantations and mantras to demons and devils. The results of these
efforts often have a smoky appearance with frequent flashes of light often
mistaken for brilliance.
An individual to be avoided is the high priest of marketing, Sir James of
Schaumburg. He has personal warmth, charm, and an exceedingly high level of
energy and enthusiasm. Since this level is unnaturally high he must possess a
secret amulet or potion to give him this strength. He has a high level of
knowledge about certain technologies that we use. This makes him particularly
dangerous because he can make himself appear to be one of us. The approach he
uses to subvert our efforts starts with a simple leading question. This usually
leads to another question and another question. The pattern usually ends with a
request for some assistance on a project that he starts but doesn't finish. You
will be lulled into believing that this is a simple request and can be quickly
handled. He is able to penetrate our usual defenses of disdain and cynicism of
anything that does not come from the technical temple of truth and beauty. Some
god of marketing has given him some magical power to do this. Before you know
what has happened he has spun a web around you and you are hopelessly trapped in
a project where the specifications change constantly, due dates keep moving
toward you, and the urgency level increases with each new specification.
Since this is war, anyone caught fraternizing with the enemy will be
disciplined. The first offense will result in a reprimand at a Friday lunch.
The second offense will result in a public flogging. The third offense will
result in being sacrificed to the gods of marketing.
Remember, lets work smart, not hard.
-= office and work humor =-= 99 =---------------------------------------------
In order for the boys to not feel left out of the "Take Your Daughter To Work
Day", I suggest the following event:
Keep Your Son At Home Day
Teach your son the pleasures and values of keeping house! Invite your son, age
8 - 14, to stay at home from school April 28.
Have him assist in the housework. This provides him with more exercise than
physical education he would experience at school!
Show him the secrets to effective shopping. Take him on the grand tour of the
supermarket and the shopping mall.
Instruct him on how to cook a gourmet dinner. He will learn about good
nutrition, and he'll be well rewarded for having dinner ready when the women
come home!
And, of course, there's the soap opera break!
-= office and work humor =-= 100 =---------------------------------------------
Do prostitutes also take their daughters to work too on "Take Your Daughter To
Work Day"? Things that make you go hmmmm....
-= office and work humor =-= 101 =---------------------------------------------
When the Lord made man, all the parts of the body argued over who would be
boss.
The brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of the body, he
should be boss.
The legs argued that since they took the man wherever he wanted to go, he
should be boss.
The stomach countered with the explanation that since he digests all the
food, he should be boss.
The eyes said that without them to be on the lookout, man would be helpless,
so they should be boss.
And so it went. The hands, heart, ears, and lungs each demanded that it be
made boss.
Then the asshole applied for the job.
The other parts of the body all started laughing so hard that the asshole
became mad and closed up.
After a few days, the brain went foggy, the legs got wobbly, the stomach got
ill, and the eyes got crossed and unable to see.
They all conceded and made the asshole boss!
This proves that you don't have to be a brain to be a boss, JUST AN ASSHOLE!
-= office and work humor =-= 102 =---------------------------------------------
Spotted in a recent "New Scientist" article on 'the paperless office':
A modern U.S. Navy cruiser now requires 26 tons of manuals. This is enough to
affect the vessel's performance.
-= office and work humor =-= 103 =---------------------------------------------
A Day Off
So you want the day off.
Let's take a look at what you are asking for.
There are 365 days per year available for work.
There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have two days off per week,
leaving 251 days available for work.
Since you spend 16 hours a day away from work, you have used up 170 days,
leaving only 81 days available.
You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee breaks,
that accounts for 23 days a year
leaving 68 days available.
With a 1 hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 46 days,
leaving only 22 days available.
You normally spend 2 days sick per year,
this now only leaves you 20 days available.
You get 5 days public holidays a year,
so your working time is now down to 15 days a year.
We generously give you a 14 days vacation per year,
which leaves only 1 day available for work.
So if you think you are going to that day off,
You out of your mind!!!
-= office and work humor =-= 104 =---------------------------------------------
Secretary: I would like to inform you that I have found a new position.
Boss: Fine, what are we waiting for, let's try it.
-= office and work humor =-= 105 =---------------------------------------------
The Federal Aviation Administration, in an attempt to "sensitize" employees to
sexual harassment, held a workshop where male employees were forced to walk a
gauntlet of female employees, who grabbed their private parts and made sexual
comments to them. An air traffic controller who was forced to walk complained
"I don't do these things to people so I don't feel that I need to have them done
to me." He says that the F.A.A. has ignored his complaints and he has been
blackballed by management, so he has filed suit - charging sexual harassment.
-= office and work humor =-= 106 =---------------------------------------------
Just when you think you have heard it all, from the Federal Employees News
Digest, 9/19/94
Lawsuit: FAA Sex Bias Training Went Too Far.
A male air traffic controller in Aurora Ill., is suing his agency, the
Federal Aviation Administration, on grounds that it forced him and other FAA
employees to undergo sensitivity training that became literally a little too
touchy-feely. He and other male participants in the training, which was carried
out by a contractor hired by the FAA, were forced to, among other things, run a
gauntlet of female workers who fondled the men's genitals and mocked their
sexual prowess.
Women, too, were subjected to what participants have said were deeply
disturbing and degrading training techniques, according to the Air Traffic
Controllers Association, which filed an unfair labor practice charge against the
agency soon after the workshops began in 1991. This month, that case goes before
an administrative judge in Washington D.C.
They were forced to look at photographs of penises, some of which were
tumescent, and then were instructed to use them to rate their FAA male
colleagues. They also were pressured into openly describing their first sexual
experiences and any past rapes and molestations.
Douglas P. Hartman, filed suit in the U.S. Court in Chicago, charging sexual
harassment and asking for the maximum judgement in such cases...$300,000. A few
years ago, he filed a sexual harassment complaint with the FAA after attending a
June 92 workshop, but the agency dragged it's feet and turned it's back on him,
Hartman asserts. The union is asking that the 4000 participants in more than 45
workshops be "deprogrammed" to neutralize any trauma. Several of the controllers
are so stressed out from the experience that they are no longer working.
Department of Transportation chief Federico Pina said the agency's inspector
general is investigating the allegations. In a statement last week, Pena said,
"I am deeply troubled by these allegations. If true, both FAA employees and
taxpayers have a right to be outraged. The activities in question clearly have
no place in any credible training program, and certainly not in one supported by
the federal government."
-= office and work humor =-= 107 =---------------------------------------------
Excuses for Missing A Day Of Work
From the Sunday, April 14, 1994 edition of the "Washington Post". A contest was
held in which readers were asked to come up with excuses to miss a day of work:
If it is all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me
to clean all the guns today.
When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't
get off the john, but I feel good about it.
I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour
Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving
Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by
reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house
while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times.
Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.
My stigmata's acting up.
I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who
fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?
I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that
deadline to meet...
I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how
about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no,
I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.
Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to
work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw
restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.
I prefer to remain an enigma.
My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her
coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day
should do it.
I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is
completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter
transportation.
I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
My wife makes more money than I do, so I have to stay at home with our sick son.
I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I
insist on paying my fair share.
I'm feeling a little disgruntled this morning. You want I should come in?
I can't come in because the deadline is Monday and, so far, I only have seven
different fun things to do with a barrel of snot.
I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!
-= office and work humor =-= 108 =---------------------------------------------
A fellow came into my office and asked if he could use my dictaphone. Of
course, I told him he'd have to use his finger like everyone else.
-= office and work humor =-= 109 =---------------------------------------------
Another Sign To Post Around The Office
Another Month Ends
All Targets Met
All Systems Working
All Customers Satisfied
All Staff Eager and Enthusiastic
All Pigs Fed and Ready To Fly
-= office and work humor =-= 110 =---------------------------------------------
Ten Things To Say Or Do To Annoying Co-workers
The next time your co-workers get on your nerves and you have just had it with
them, do what I do...
10. Tell them to alphebetize their M&Ms.
9. Tell them there is a Moron's Anonymous meeting at 5 in the middle lane of
101.
8. Leave a wet lollipop on their chair.
7. Follow them home, freak them out a little.
6. Keep telling them what a hard worker you are.
5. Ask to borrow a report and tear out a couple pages.
4. Remind them that their freckles could be cancerous.
3. Comment on their weight gain.
2. Send anonymous letters.
1. Don't flush.
-= office and work humor =-= 111 =---------------------------------------------
Milton Ross, 41, who was feuding with co-workers in St. Joseph, Mo., was fired
in July 1994 after a video camera caught him urinating directly into the office
coffee pot before co-workers arrived at work. The videotape trap was set after
people noticed that the coffee's taste in recent days had become sour.
(On a related subject, the very next day, in Lanagan, Mo., 200 miles south of
St. Joseph, four arrests were made after witnesses reported seeing men urinating
into the town's water supply. Residents were advised for more than a week to
boil their water.)
-= office and work humor =-= 112 =---------------------------------------------
Pranks To Pull On New Employees
Sending new copy shop employees for double-sided transparencies.
In the army, we sent new cooks for a can of dehydrated water. This actually
worked cause new privates are conditioned to do what you say and everything in
an army kitchen is dehydrated.
I heard that someone was sent out to get striped paint. On arriving at the
shop, he was sent back to ask if the stripes should be horizontal or vertical.
Send the new apprentice to the boilerhouse for a bucket of steam.
In the phone company, new employees are sent after sky hooks...
Tell a friend that the gas station is hiring someone to change spark plugs in
diesel engines for 8$/hour. See if he gets a job.
I am reminded of the story, held to be true, about the new employee that had
never worked with a desktop computer before. One of the office workers loaded a
small program that made sounds like water running out of a drain. He then told
this naive little thing that you needed to drain the water out of the computer
every day before beginning the daily tasks. Faithfully, every day, she ran the
program that drained the water from the computer. Weeks went by, and she was
moved to another area of the office, to a different computer, that didn't have
the drain program on it. She couldn't understand that she had been HAD and
complained that she could not do her work without being able to drain the water
from her computer. Her supervisor had the fellow who installed the previous
"water drainer" install it on her new PC. She was then able to function.
Working in electronic instrumentation, we'd get a student engineer and ask
them to help us find spurs from a source by getting a "spur sniffer." And if he
was a computer science major, we'd really lose him for awhile if he was dumb
enough to go searching all the analog data books looking for a "precision zero
volt reference." "We'd like at least 3 digit accuracy!"
Oilpatch jokes: "That's the third time this week this scaffolding plank has
broken. Run down to the welder's shed and get 5 or 6 #4 wood rods."
"Run down to the supply shed and get me 20 feet of shoreline."
From the office ranks: "Go ask Doris to bring us some coffee."
I used to work in a restaurant and we would send new employees to go mop the
walk-in freezer. Then we would send them to chip the ice off the floor.
I also work in a restaurant. We sometimes tell the newbies to fetch the
grill enlarger when there is a rush hour. When they have been looking for it
for half an hour, they learn to ask when they are not sure of what to do. Once
we told a newbie to measure all of the french fries we wasted.
I worked for a construction company one summer and, in my second week, was
sent for a new bubble for the spirit level to the stores. Knowing I was being
had, but wanting a morning off work, I went to the stores and explained the wind
up to the storekeeper. He said "wait a minute", went away and came back with a
jar about 95% full of water. He told me to take it back to my foreman and
explain that this was the only sized bubble that the stores had and that if they
needed a smaller one they would have to wait until the order came in next week.
When my mother was a nursing student in England, they had a number of
standard jokes. One that I remember went something like this:
Nurse: "Go and ask the Ward Sister if I can borrow her fallopian tubes."
(Sometimes, my mother relates, the answer would come back "Sorry, they're in
use at the moment.")
During my summers, I work for a construction company and they have a great
prank to play on a new guy. As you approach the time to lay cement, tell him to
go to a store and look for a hydraulic cement bender and tell them to charge it
to their account. It has never failed them, I know personally!
My cousin and I were in two different shops in Trade School, he in the
appliance repair and me in the heavy equipment shop. When 'newbies' got in the
way, he'd send them down to me for the "short stand", I'd send them back after a
few minutes with the message "can't find the short stand, is the long stand any
good?", and he'd promptly send them for the long stand. I'd send guys for left-
handed screwdrivers, buckets of steam, and once in a while, for a long stand.
Although I used to dish it out, I was caught when I was a Newbie, I was told to
get the chain stretcher from the welding shop, I learned VERY quickly!
Get a pair of intercoms. Stick one in an empty drive bay of the new guys'
machine. At the other end, in another room, someone talks into it with a robot
voice. Tells him it's an AI with speech synth and voice recognition. We played
this on an extremely nerdy software intern. He actually bought it at first.
Then the AI started getting abusive...
I used to work at Canadian Tire part time as a student and here's a few that
I remember:
Ask the new employee to go get: sky hooks, left-handed wrench/hammer/razor,
Agent Orange (paint colour).
Or shoot elastics at them while they are carrying boxes.
Or press the intercom button on the phone and tell them the phone is for
them. You hear the poor shmuck going "Hello? Hellooo?" over the whole store.
This is a common one in the framing business. No, not framing pictures, but
framing houses. Actually, two:
When most of the framing crew is all working together to set a particularly
big and heavy beam (it gets fairly intense, especially when you don't have a
crane), suddenly start yelling about the beam being too short and yell at the
new laborer to get the board stretcher. They usually run off as fast as they
can, search through vans and trucks while everyone is screaming for them to
hurry up, because the beam is *REALLY* getting heavy. Tell them the truth after
about 5 or 10 minutes so as to avoid them shitting their pants.
When setting trusses (those things that are up in your ceiling and make the
roof pointed), tell them to get the sky hook.
In the Navy: sending a new recruit down to the sail shop for a Boatswain's
Punch. Obedient little dweeb marches in and asks the old salt on duty for the
request item. Sailor chuckles and then wallops the recruit in the arm. You'd
be surprised how many don't get it right off and say something like "Can I have
the boatswain's punch now, pleeeez" and get nailed again!
We ask any new purchaser to find us toner for the fax machine.
"Go get me 10 feet of shoreline."
"Go get me a 9 inch raping tool."
We once had a summer technician, a young pretty one, about a year out of RPI,
in our hardware engineering lab. There was a problem with a board and one of
the engineers said that the resistors were in backwards (for the non-hardware-
techie-types, resistors don't care which way they're in). He was expecting a
laugh back, 'cuz after all she was an RPI (good engineering school) student.
About an hour later, she said she changed the resistors and the board was still
broken. I guess it's more of a story than a prank.
This is a true story. A friend of mine was undergoing his vacation training
with a major electronic firm. One day, after examining a piece of equipment to
be disassembled, his supervisor said to him, " Could you please get the Allen
key for me?" My friend promptly said yes and went about it. He came back
shortly and told his supervisor, "There is nobody by the name of Allan Kee."
My father was in the Navy for 22 years and said they had loads of fun sending
the new seamen out to find some Prop Wash (which is the air flow off the
propeller as it turns, incidentally). He'd always chuckle at some poor kid wo'd
be gone for hours sent from shop to shop to shop.
I work in a restauraunt and we got a new dishwasher to do this. We told him
that the drinking water spout had to be manually filled and got him a bucket.
He spent almost 20 minutes getting 5 gallon buckets full of water, then pouring
it straight down the drain! Haha!
"Get me a bubble for the spirit level."
"Get me some blue sparks for the generator."
And my favourite: get the new employee to "get a long stand"...send them to a
friend who tells them, "You want a long stand? I'll get one. Wait here." ...and
leave them.
This reminds me of a time when I used to work part time in a popular fast
food (restaurant?). It was customary that new employees were given a tour around
the work area and, being in the fast food industry, it was emphasised by the
guide that they had to wash their hands thoroughly before commencing a shift.
They were then taken to the sink, where they were to wash their hands. First,
the guide would show them. The walls were tiled and the guide would say, "You
press this tile and the water will come out of the tap." There was actually a
pedal on the ground that we would press by foot. It was pretty cruel, we would
change the tile that they were pressing and tell them "No, no it's this one." or
"No, you're not pressing hard enough."
When I worked at Domino's Pizza, we would send newbie's out for a "dough
repair kit". The guy making the pizzas would "accidentally" tear a hole in the
dough and would send the new guy to a neighboring store for a dough repair kit.
A couple of guys actually bought it!
I work at McDonalds's and the in-joke to play on new employees is to ask them to
plug in the bun cabinet (it has no plug). Or go ask them to water the plants in
the lobby (they are fake).
I used to be a manager for a movie theatre. One thing they used to do to new
employees all the time: When the new scrub was making the nacho trays, they were
told that they had to have exactly 47 nacho chips per tray or management would
get pissed that the yields were too low. They'd happily count out 47 chips and
arrange them, all nice and neat. :)
In high school, I used to work for a catalog showroom similar to Service
Merchandise called Dolgins. There was a position in the warehouse that basically
called for keeping the warehouse clean as well as bringing shopping carts back
in out of the parking lot. One winter evening, it started to snow and we told
this new guy that he needed to put snow tires on all of the shopping carts.
About a half hour later, we checked on him, and he had all 200 or so shopping
carts turned upside down and was in the process of taking the third wheel off of
the first one. It quit snowing soon after, so we told him that we didn't need
to do it tonight and he put the 3 wheels back on and turned the rest of the
carts back over. I don't know if he ever figured out that we were pulling his
chain.
While working in a mobile radio station with the military, we would have to
drive a steel stake into the ground and attach it to the vehicle. This would
act as a ground connection should the truck be struck by lightening. Many a
private was sent to get a 'lightening bolt' to attached the wire between the
truck and stake.
On one occasion, a private returned to say that the supply sargeant refused
to give us a lightening bolt until we returned the 'short circuits' and 'sky
hooks' which he claimed we had in our possession!
I used to work at Burger Chef as a teen in Indiana. I was training a new
employee on clean up detail (cleaning utensils, work tables, etc.) and when we
were all done with the work, she asked if there was anything else. I explained
to her that her next duty was to dig through all the trash bags from the
customer area and retrieve any of the styrofoam containers used to hold
sandwiches, that these had to be washed so we could reuse them the next day.
She got through two bags of trash before we let her in on the joke.
While driving in the truck (6 of us), I would ask the new one to grab the
"matterbabe" for me, as I couldn't reach it. After being flustered for finding
nothing, the employee would say, "What's the matterbabe?" We all replied,
"Nothing honey"
My boss was cooking some ribs and she scraped all the coagulated white grease
off. She thought it might be funny to pack it all together and scoop it with an
ice cream scoop onto dessert plates and tell the servers it was leftover lemon
sorbetto. Only a couple fell for it.
When I was in the Army, we used to send new recruits after a 'box of grid
squares' (military maps are sectioned into 1 kilometer by 1 kilometer squares
which are referred to as 'grid squares'). This was always good for a few laughs
as the recruit went from office to office trying to find who maintained the
supply of grid squares. It did backfire once however, when one of the recruits
went and got a map and cut it up into little pieces and returned it in a box.
We got our 'box of grid squares' and a lecture on not destroying government
equipment to boot.
Two other jokes for the filling station newbie were: 1) Have a co-worker call
the station and ask how much it cost to have muffler bearings replaced; 2) Tell
the newbie to replace the winter air in a car's tires.
In the Navy, we had similar types of fun with newbies. 1) Sent nub for 50
feet of chow line. 2) We'd also send them to Supply for 100 feet of green chow
line (telling them it was *very* important) whereupon the Supply clerk would say
we've only got red chow line will that do? When they came back, we'd say red is
okay, but we need 200 feet of red. The newbie would run back to the supply
clerk, who would tell them that he only had 150 feet of red but he might have
enough yellow. Would yellow do? We would tell the newbie that yellow would
work, how much did they have? The newbie would run to the supply shack who would
say we've got over 400 feet, is that enough? We would tell the newbie that we
need 600 feet because yellow chow line isn't as strong as green or even red and
we'd need to triple tie it. When the newbie would run back to the supply shack,
the clerk would say, I've only got a little more than 400 feet, that's what I
told you last time, you idiot newbie etc. etc. Usually, at this point, the
newbie either figured it out or was dead tired by the time he had finished
running all over the boat. What was funny was that in our submarine, there were
very few straight paths from the engine room to supply, so the newbie had to run
like crazy; after all, it was very important! 3) Electricians sent newbies to
Machinist's Mates for a Machinist's Punch; usually ended up in some form of
painful physical contact between MM and newbie... 4) When I was qualifying for
one of my watchstations (answering questions to show I knew what was going on),
the person I had gone to for the check-out asked me how old I was. I replied
23. He said good, that's how many look-ups I was going to have. (A look-up is
when you don't know the answer and you have to go look it up and tell the person
giving you the check-out)
-= office and work humor =-= 113 =---------------------------------------------
I once worked at a service station in Virginia where a lot of people in cars
would come in asking for directions.
Once, a customer came in asking how to get to xxxx road. My co-worker told
him to make about 30 left turns and 25 right turns; in effect, to return to the
gas station after about 5 miles of driving around town.
While feeling sorry for the guy, we sat around and chuckled thinking about
him running around town, when after about 20 minutes he comes back around the
corner, after following our directions to the letter. Naturally, being
embarrassed and thinking it being his own fault, the guy didn't stop to ask for
directions again but just went of in the same direction again.
Here's the punchline: he actually came around 2 more times.
Poor guy.
-= office and work humor =-= 114 =---------------------------------------------
From an Associated Press wire:
Postal Worker's Low-Cut Blouse Complaint Gets Him Paid Suspension
Fairfax, Va. (AP) - A U.S. Postal employee says he was suspended with pay 18
months ago and has not been allowed to return to work because he complained that
a co-worker's low-cut blouse was distracting him.
Bruce Henry said he told his supervisors, "Look, her breasts are fairly
exposed and if someone sees this, it could stay in their mind and they could
misfile mail."
He said he hoped his supervisors would tell the woman to cover her breasts.
Instead, they suspended him from his $32,500 a year job sorting mail.
Postal officials said they do not comment on personnel matters.
(The release goes on to discuss the numbers of complaints he has filed in the
past.)
-= office and work humor =-= 115 =---------------------------------------------
Keeping A High Profile In The Open Plan Office
Never write a note or memo if you can phone or visit instead; everyone wants
to talk whenever you're ready.
Don't sit down to talk. The acoustics are better the higher you are, and
remember that most people are a bit deaf so SPEAK UP LOUDER!
Try to talk with _at least_ three people between you and your listener, so
that they don't feel left out.
The very best place for a conversation is in the corridor, beside someone
else's desk. If the corridor is full, try leaning against their cupboard or
hanging over their screen.
Never warn people of your approach by knocking on their desk or cupboard.
People love surprises, especially if they're busy.
The best time to disturb someone is when they look thoughtful or are
concentrating. It's your _duty_ to give them a break now and again.
To make sure that _you_ get regular breaks, never use a "Do No Disturb" sign.
When other people use them they're only joking.
Always hold meetings around a desk. If you book a conference room everyone
will think you've got something to hide.
If the phone isn't answered after four rings, hang on. _Someone_ will answer
it eventually, and they might like a chat, too.
Never divert calls if you're leaving your desk. Your telephone could get
into bad habits.
Try to whistle, hum or tap your fingers while you work. It is a comfort to
others to know that you're still there.
If you have to design the office layout, remember to leave lots of wide-open
spaces so that we can see and hear each other right across the floor.
-= office and work humor =-= 116 =---------------------------------------------
Fun Things To Do In A Crowded Elevator
Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to the others.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, dammit,
all of you just shut UP!"
Whistle the first seven notes of "It's A Small World" incessantly.
Sell Girl Scout cookies.
On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
Shave.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough
air in there?"
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act
embarrassed when they open by themselves.
Lean over to another passenger and whisper, "Noogie patrol coming!"
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to
call you Admiral.
Flatulence!
On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you
hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
Do Tai Chi exercises.
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I've got
new socks on!"
When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now, damn
motion sickness!"
Give religious tracts to each passenger.
Meow occasionally.
Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one of THEM!" and
move to the far corner of the elevator.
Burp, and then say, "Mmmm...tasty!"
Leave a box between the doors.
Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
Start a sing-along.
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
Play the harmonica.
Shadow box.
Say "Ding!" at each floor.
Lean against the button panel.
Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other
passengers that this is your "personal space."
Bring a chair along.
Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, "Wanna see wha in muh
mouf?"
Blow spit bubbles.
Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."
Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting larger."
If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler, "Bad touch!"
Get everyone to jump up as the elevator goes down, especially in those super
fast speed demon elevators.
-= office and work humor =-= 117 =---------------------------------------------
Reasons To Stay At Work All Night
1) Act out your version of a company takeover.
2) Find a way to change everyone's password to "chrysanthemum".
3) Around 3:20am, play connect-the-dots with lights still on in other office
buildings. Keep going until you see a small woodland creature.
4) Sneaking in the boss's desk could land you an unexpected promotion.
5) Draw stick people in all the landscape pictures on the walls, and in the
morning, be the first to point out "what a terrible thing that someone did
this to such beautiful works of art".
6) Go into the other gender's bathroom without fear of being caught.
7) Run up and down the hallways screaming, hoping security will call so you can
have someone to talk to.
8) Leave prank message on the CEO's voice mail.
9) Finally, a chance to live out a dream and work naked at your desk.
10) Elevator surfing!
-= office and work humor =-= 118 =---------------------------------------------
Reasons To Leave Work Early
1) Not spending enough quality time with the kitchen applicances.
2) Came dressed in only a towel...again.
3) Ran out of paper clips.
4) I've decided to telecommute.
5) Ambassador to Belgium is at the White House.
6) It's a long drive home to Texas.
7) One-day sale at Macy's.
8) MY BRAIN IS MELTING!
9) I think they found me out...
10) Accidently erased the whole week's work off the computer disk.
-= office and work humor =-= 119 =---------------------------------------------
Procrastinator's Creed
1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of
bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies,
astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount
of time given.
7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though
infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.
8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my
mind.
10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the
first word, when I get around to it.
11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to
be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to
beginning the greater task.
12. I know that the work cycle is not plan-start-finish, but is wait-plan-plan.
13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the
Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.
-= office and work humor =-= 120 =---------------------------------------------
Once overheard at the office water cooler: "The boss said that I would get a
raise when I earned it. He's crazy if he thinks I'm gonna wait that long."
-= office and work humor =-= 121 =---------------------------------------------
In every one of those little stucco boxes, there's some poor bastard who's never
free except when he's fast asleep and dreaming that he's got the boss down the
bottom of a well and is bunging lumps of coal at him. - George Orwell
-= office and work humor =-= 122 =---------------------------------------------
Reuters News Service - Paul Cara, a London social worker, lost his appeal to an
industrial tribunal, which upheld his employer's limits on his work attire. The
Hackney Social Services Department had allowed Cara to wear leggings, tights,
and blouses to work, but balked when he showed up in a skirt. "I feel
oppressed," Cara said of the ruling.
-= office and work humor =-= 123 =---------------------------------------------
The Perverse Guide To Getting Hired
by Alan Meiss, ameiss@gn.ecn.purdue.edu
Chapter 1 - The Resume
Your resume is a crucial document that summarizes the essence of your being
to a potential employer. You must grab a personnel director's attention with
your sheer, overpowering wonderfulness, or your vitae will wind up lining the
bottom of her parakeet's cage. Write a boring resume and you might as well run
down now and join the other unemployed grads behind the appliance store,
fighting for the choicest refrigerator carton to live in.
To grab an employer's jaded eye you must create the written equivalent of a
banshee wail! Print your resume on hunter's orange paper, so it nearly leaps
out of the stack. Experiment with striking fonts, and use as many as possible.
Writing your name in 2 inch high 3-D Western style letters at the top says
"Check ME out! I'm no shrinking violet!" Sprinkle a bit of your most sensual
cologne on the sheet, and ladies, be sure to add a good lipstick smooch mark at
the bottom. Don't forget your picture, too! Be sure and staple several of your
best 8x10 glossies from Glamor Shots on top.
Now that you've achieved that visceral "oomph", it's time to polish the
contents to bring out or even invent your positive qualities. Remember, a
skilled wordsmith can transform any qualification or attribute, no matter how
trifling, into a salable skill. Let's look at some examples of putting the
best "spin" on a job seeker's skills:
"I flipped burgers for three weeks at Lardee's."
A mere burger flipper? Why sell yourself so short? Describe yourself as a
"Grill Coordinator", or perhaps a "Culinary Technician".
"I subbed in for my nephew's paper route one weekend."
Ah! So you were previously employed in "Communication Services!" Describe
yourself as a "Journalism Representative."
"I spent the last five years sitting on a couch eating Cheetos and watching
Charlie's Angels reruns."
You can transform the pathetic into the energetic by referring to yourself as
a "Consumer Broadcasting Specialist." Let them know how much time you've wisely
invested in "Popular Drama Studies."
"I worked in telemarketing."
Die you scumbag.
"I like to drink 3 or 4 bottles of Night Train wine and pass out in a puddle of
my own urine."
I see! An "Alternative Hygiene Researcher" who throws himself into his work!
Always remember to use active, "can-do" language in your resume, and be sure
to include as many of the following terms as possible:
1) Excellence (can't get enough of this one!)
2) Goal-oriented
3) Forward-thinking
4) Like Working with People (as opposed to zoo animals)
5) Striving (everyone likes a striver!)
It may be useful to define these as keyboard macros immediately.
Chapter 2 - The Interview
So now you've got that big chance to shine in person. Once again, you've got
to stand out from the crowd! First, consider your apparel carefully. Gold lame
harem pants will leave a lasting impression, as will a nice fish or penis tie,
available in classier novelty stores. Make these items staples of your
professional wardrobe. Next, practice that handshake, and consider adding a
little thumb twist manuever or a good high-five. And remember, no one likes
shaking dry, chapped hands, so make sure yours are damp when you leave the
restroom. Now jump right in, and distinguish yourself with your first words.
Here's some suggestions for opening lines:
"The voices told me I'm perfect for this job."
"I can make an impressive incendiary device from just your tie, that pen, and a
quart of anti-freeze."
"Maybe you can't tell, but I'm not wearing any underwear."
"Let's make this fast, I'm late for my medication."
"The foil wrapped around my head is to block out invisible rays."
"I was once abducted by a UFO, and the aliens let me pilot their starship."
"I brought my invisible friend, is that okay?"
"I have the gift of second sight, and if you step on Flight 109, it will be your
last!"
Now that you've made a big impression, make sure you'll have plenty of time
to expound upon your finer qualities. Consider handcuffing yourself to the
interviewer's desk, or perhaps smear super-glue on your hand and grab them while
shouting "Wonder twin powers, activate!"
Conclude the interview as notably as you began it. A gratuity is always
welcome, so palm the interviewer a crisp new dollar in the closing handshake
while saying "Guess Mr. Washington and I have this job wrapped up, huh? (wink,
wink)" And certainly don't forget the follow-up! Unless a restraining order
has been obtained by the employer, call collect every hour thereafter to remind
them of your sincerity.
-= office and work humor =-= 124 =---------------------------------------------
Reuters News Service - Paul Ebbs, 37, was bored with his job. Not enough to do,
he said. Quit and move on? Of course not; he sued his employer, the Canadian
parliament, for "wrongful hiring". He won an undisclosed settlement and has now
gone into private practice. Ebbs spent three years at the parliament as one of
the body's lawyers, "earning" Cdn$70,000 a year for three years to perform
virtually no function. Parliament did not hire anyone to replace him.
-= office and work humor =-= 125 =---------------------------------------------
From the "And You Think You Have It Bad..." Department:
From an article in the July 1994 "U.S. News and World Report", according to a
grievance by workers at a Mississippi poultry plant, the company does not permit
workers more than three bathroom breaks a week without a doctor's note, and
employees must pay 10 cents a cup for drinking water on the job.
-= office and work humor =-= 126 =---------------------------------------------
Well, science is the theology of our times, and like the old theology it's a
muddle of conflicting assertions. What gripes my gut is that is has such a
miserable vocabulary and such a pallid pack of images to offer to us, to the
humble laity, for our edification and our faith. The old priest in his black
robe gave us things that seemed to have concrete existence; you prayed to the
Mother of God and somebody had given you an image that looked just right for the
Mother of God. The new priest in his whitish lab-coat gives you nothing at all
except a constantly changing vocabulary which he, because he usually doesn't
know any Greek, can't pronounce, and you are expected to trust him implicitly
because he knows what you are too dumb to comprehend. It's the most overweening,
pompous priesthood mankind has ever endured in all its recorded history, and its
lack of symbol and metaphor and its zeal for abstraction drive mankind to a
barren land of starved imagination. - Simon Darcourt, in Robertson Davies'
"What's Bred in the Bone"
-= office and work humor =-= 127 =---------------------------------------------
In August of 1994, a San Francisco jury rejected a claim by Beatrice Shaw that
her employer had failed to accommodate her disability, as required by federal
law. Shaw suffers from what she characterized as uncontrollable body odor
exacerbated by allergies to strong deodorants and the fear of showering in the
morning.
-= office and work humor =-= 128 =---------------------------------------------
A Message To Post On Copier Machines
In most offices, the photocopier is out of order every now and then. One copy
repairman had answered question after question for the employees. Finally one
day, he just smiled and handed them this sheet:
The copier is out of order!
Yes, we have called the service man.
Yes, he will be in today.
No, we cannot fix it.
No, we do not know how long it will take.
No, we do not know what caused it.
No, we do not know who broke it.
Yes, we are keeping it.
No, we do not know what you are going to do now.
Thank You
-= office and work humor =-= 129 =---------------------------------------------
How To Look Busy
by Dan Zevin
Generally, this will not be a concern until you are promoted to an executive
position. But once you've created the illusion that you serve even the slightest
purpose at your place of "business," there's no telling how far you'll go. In
the real working world, productivity is all a matter of appearances.
Appearance: You are furiously taking notes while conducting an important
telephone marketing survey.
Reality: You are pretending to take notes while talking to your friend who
has called collect from Bulgaria.
Appearance: You are on the phone with a client in New York and you have
said, "Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now's a great
time to buy, I tell ya!"
Reality: You are on the phone with a friend in Guam and you have said,
"Yeah, this job really sucks and my boss uses that spray paint on his bald sp...
Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now's a great time
to buy, I tell ya!"
Appearance: You are at your computer writing a serious business memorandum
to your department supervisior.
Reality: You are at your computer telling dead-baby jokes to your e-mail
correspondent in Namibia.
Appearance: You are urgently plugging numbers into a complicated spreadsheet.
Reality: You are playing Tetris.
Appearance: You are tapping away on calculator keys, helping out the
accounting department.
Reality: You are paying your electric bill.
Appearance: You are reading the DOS manual.
Reality: You are reading the TV guide you placed in the DOS manual.
Appearance: You are staring at an empty computer screen, absorbed in deep
thought.
Reality: You have pressed "Escape" just in time, erasing a MacDraw portrait
entitled "Supervisor with Pitchfork Wound Clinging to a Cliff"
-= office and work humor =-= 130 =---------------------------------------------
Signs That Technology Has Taken Over Your Life
by Joe Mullich, AmericanWay Magazine, 11/15/94
1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty's address book. The
letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and
your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and
continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any
letter you write *is* letterhead.
2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one
device on your body beep or buzz.
3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can't because
there isn't one typewriter in your house, only computers with laser printers.
4. You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send
your father a birthday card.
5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.
6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking
with customers, and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes
answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently,
nodding his head.
7. You use the phrase "digital compression" in a conversation without thinking
how strange your mouth feels when you say it.
8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase
"digital compression." Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not
surprised or disappointed that you don't have to explain it.
9. You know Bill Gates' e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social
security number.
10. You stop saying "phone number" and replace it with "voice number," since we
all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions
that talk to other contraptions.
11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.
12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that
are far more clever than :-).
13. You back up your data every day.
14. Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you
return with a rest for your mouse.
15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.
16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster
than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.
17. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your
mind.
18. You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town
hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't
because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.
19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in
advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking
up the street names.
20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.
21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you
something, but you think it's okay for a computer to call and demand that you
start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the
product it is selling.
22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter and three-
and-a-half-inch sizes.
23. Al Gore strikes you as an "intriguing" fellow.
24. You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they
are.
25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you
compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.
26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to
say "I don't know" when someone asks you a technology question instead of
feeling compelled to make something up.
27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.
28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns
bread into charcoal.
29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions
about which is better, the track ball or the track *pad*.
30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology
has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under
a tree and write a haiku. And don't use a laptop.
31. You email this message to your friends over the net. You'd never get around
to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone. In fact, you
have probably never met most of these people face-to-face.
32. You don't even read magazine articles anymore, unless someone's keyed them
into e-mail and forwarded it to you.
33. You print the itinerary of your vacation from a scheduler software.
34. You pack the laptop computer first for any trip.
35. While you're away from home, the first three numbers you call are your
voicenet, a bulletin board, and one of your e-mail accounts.
36. You are reading this from a screen.
================================================================================
== BUSINESS HUMOR ==============================================================
-= business humor =-= 1 =----------------------------------------------------
A prominent Wall Street tycoon, Carmine Intervocalic, wants to hire an MIT
C.S. graduate student to program the ultimate financial advisor expert system.
It turns out that MIT is too expensive, so instead Carmine gets an undergraduate
in applied math from the University of California at Hollywood. After months of
programming and millions of dollars of research, the programming is finally
done, and Carmine proudly calls up his new toy. Instantly on the screen:
-] Bank Street Advisor: Ready. Enter command.
Carmine (who learned his programming from TV movie spy thrillers) types in:
-] Request: Bank Street Advisor, compute the secret to success on stock market.
The reply is instantaneous. Crackling on the neon green of the screen is one
ominous flashing word: 'working'. Carmine is nervous. He paces around.
Nothing's happening. Waits more. Hum. Nothing's happening. Waits still more;
nothing. To take his mind off of the wait, Carmine does some business work:
Evicting widows and orphans, and so forth. Well, to make a long story short
(too late already), days pass and, still, all that's on the screen is "working."
The program's sucking in data at a hideous rate, but still no answer. Carmine's
frazzled, and his stocks are plummeting; he's forced to sell! sell! sell!
Carmine is almost broke when finally the answer comes up:
-] Bank Street Writer: Answer computed. Hit space bar.
-] Buy Low. Sell high.
Carmine's not amused (probably neither are you). In desperation, he types in:
-] Request: Bank Street Advisor, I need financial advice. What is the best
financial advice you can give me? How can i stop wasting money?
The answer's fast:
-] Sell the computer.
Carmine is plucking out his hair in frenzy. But he realizes that all he has to
do is phrase his requests correctly.
-] Request: How can I predict which stocks will go up in value?
Curiously, the answer doesn't take long:
-] Make predictions while floating submerged in fizzy apple juice.
Carmine tries it, and it works. "It works?" his advisors ask. "Yeah, it works.
What, haven't you heard of in-cider trading?"
-= business humor =-= 2 =----------------------------------------------------
Courtesy of the N. Y. Times, heard on Bob Rosefsky's "Money Talks" spot on
KABC radio:
Sylvester Stallone will begin shooting a new movie next week, which will
outdo anything he's ever done in mayhem and violence. It's called "Rambo Gets a
Margin Call".
The latest merger rumor has Shearson Lehman teaming up with Payne Webber.
They will call the new firm Sheer Pain.
E. F. Hutton has come out with a new portfolio idea for the small investor.
It's 50% in cash and 50% in canned goods.
-= business humor =-= 3 =----------------------------------------------------
Yet more from the Program Trader Nelson article (WSJ, Oct 13, pg 39):
One time, a broker typed in the wrong password (on the Bankers Trust
computer), which happened to be another broker's password. "So they both had
this same list of securities. I get a call from a broker saying, 'I'm trying to
buy XYZ and it keeps getting bid up out there.' We couldn't figure it out. Then
it suddenly dawned on us that (two different brokers) were working the same
list." Both brokers were getting the same list of stocks to buy and sell, and
were bidding against each other.
-= business humor =-= 4 =----------------------------------------------------
CEO document contents:
Document Reference: IPA/IN/666 Issue: Draft 42 Date: 15/04/83 No of Pages 4.
Author(s): Kurt Jenner Status: Definitive
Summary:
This IN describes the "API Contracept Strategy" which is the exact Converse of
the "IPA Intercept Strategy." Various contracept methods are described, and it
is concluded that an "Exocept" (Counter Contracept) Strategy may be based on a
recognition of these.
1. Introduction
The IPA Intercept Strategy has been widely publicized. It also appears that many
other organizations are taking a similar approach to OSI Standardization.
However, it has been discovered that some organizations are also practising the
converse of this: the API (Active Prevention of Inter-working) Contracept
Strategy. This little known strategy is operated secretly but most effectively,
and the purpose of this IN is to bring some of its method out into the open
where they can be recognized for what they are.
2. The Conception
The development of International Standards can be likened to the events of
conception, pregnancy and birth. At the outset, the decision to produce a
standard is made. There then follows frantic activity during which many
organizations compete to develop the standard. An International Standard can
usually trace many ancestors in its genes. Eventually the standard is born and
is given a name, which is generally quite prosaic but interestingly is always
called after the mother. The gestation period of an International Standard
depends on its mother and may be up to 5 years.
Many organizations develop their own standards, but the chief International ones
are ISO, CCITT, ECMA and ANSI. The prime focus for OSI Standardization, ISO
(Internecine Strife Organization), sees the effect of both Intercept and
Contracept Strategies; it is not accidental that "ISO" is "OSI" backwards. One
body that is very effective in getting its own way is CCITT (Comit'e pour
Conformance aux Ide'es T'el'ephiniques Totale). However, ECMA (Effective
Contracept Methods Association), provides an excellent counter to CCITT
activities. ANSI (American Nexus for Sub-committees In-fighting) finds itself
in the middle of opposing CCITT-like and ECMA-like views.
3. Methods
3.1 Sterilisation
The intention here is to prevent rival organizations from producing any useful
ideas. As a rule this only delays rather than prevents effective output, but
time is of the essence in Standardization work. Sterilisation methods require
attendance at rival organization meetings. Some techniques used are:
- bogging down the meeting by discussing trivia and causing diversions onto
irrelevant topics.
- introducing contributions from other organizations and insisting that they be
evaluated for consistency with the work of the organization itself.
- sending enough people to the meeting to ensure that promising ideas are voted
down.
3.2 Abstinence
This method aims to ensure the involuntary absence of rival organizations from
important meetings. This is generally not a reliable method, but is practised
because of its unsettling side-effects. Its techniques include:
- holding meetings in inconvenient places (e.g. on the other side of the world)
- choosing meeting times to clash with those of rival organizations.
3.3 Rhythm Method
This method is widely practised, but is not effective for contracept purposes on
its own. The essence of it is that regular attendance (hence the name) is made
at the meetings of rival organizations. The result is insinuation into the
organization so that its members forget that the insinuator is an outsider. The
ultimate success of the Rhythm Method is being appointed as Secretary (which is
a good position to be in if facts or views have to be distorted) or even as
Chairman.
3.4 Withdrawal
This is a very risky contracept tactic and requires considerable courage. The
principle is to withdraw totally from a discussion which is leading to contrary
ideas. If done properly, it not only undermines the confidence of the others in
the idea being debated, but also gives the "agent-provocateur" a chance to sow
the seeds of dissension elsewhere in other sub-groups.
3.5 The Sheath
The SHEATH (System for Harassment of Enemies and Tying their Hands) is
reasonably reliable if used properly. When attempts to prevent a rival
organization from developing and bringing its own ideas to a meeting have been
unsuccessful, then various methods of frustrating effective delivery of these
ideas are available:
- ensuring that the rival organization does not get a fair hearing (it helps to
be Chairman of the meeting!)
- splitting the meeting into more sub-groups than there are members attending
from the rival organizations so that their contributions are dissipated.
3.6 The Cap
As a fall-back position it is possible to use the CAP (Competitor Annihilation
Programme), although it must be applied only after the situation has been
carefully sized up. The intention is to ensure that competitive ideas, although
properly presented, fall on deaf ears. To arrange this takes real skill, but
some ploys are:
- lobbying people before the meeting to make sure that their minds are already
made up
- diminishing the status of contributions by contriving that they are given as
individual rather than organization positions
- arranging for rival contributions to be made just after lunch or as late as
possible (once again, being Chairman helps!)
3.7 The IUD
IUD (Insidious Undermining of Discussion) methods come into play when, despite
all endeavors described above, a rival idea has taken root. The best option in
this case is to cause so much confusion that the idea is swamped and forgotten.
The techniques of Sterilisation (section 3.1) are relevant here although in a
different context, but some specialized IUD tactics are:
- querying definitions and terminology with a view to ensuring that everyone
doubts that he understands what anyone is talking about
- quibbling over editorial niceties and getting the original ideas lost in a
discussion of their form not their content.
3.8 The Pill
The PILL (Permanent Interference with Likely Leaders) is the summation of all
the contracept methods described in previous sections. It is very demanding to
sustain this, but more importantly not to get caught doing it. However, as the
very lack of recognition of contracept techniques demonstrates, the PILL can be
employed effectively and indetectably over a long period of time.
One particular development of the PILL demands description. This is the
Morning-After PILL, which is administered after the event if all else has
failed. No reliable method has been found of frustrating an idea once it has
been accepted, but research into this possibility is continuing.
4. The Contracept Strategy
The Contracept Strategy may be applied at three levels. First of all, it may be
used against competitive developments' at an early stage. Secondly, it may be
used to make others aware of the problem and help defeat it. Finally, it may be
used to make sure that rival ideas are not brought to fruition. This culminates
in a triple contracept. It is analogous to deciding which horse should lose,
backing against it and nobbling it.
5. Conclusion
This document has aired some of the methods of the Contracept Strategy. By
doing so, it is hoped that it has brought this subterfuge to light and may form
the basis of an Exocept (counter-contracept) Strategy.
-= business humor =-= 5 =----------------------------------------------------
The Accident
Dear Sir:
I am writing in response to your request for additional information
pertaining to my insurance claim. In block number 3 of the accident report
form, I put "Trying to get the job done" as the cause of my accident. You said
in your letter that you would like to have me explain more fully, and I trust
the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone
on the roof of a new 6 story building. When I completed my work, I discovered
that I had about 500 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry them down by
hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which fortunately
was attached to the side of the building at the 6th floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel
out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then, I went back to the ground and untied
the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of
bricks. You will note in block number 7 of the accident report form that my own
weight is 135 pounds.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off my feet so suddenly, I lost my
presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded
at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the 3rd
floor, I met the barrel coming down. This will explain the fractured skull and
broken collar bone.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the
fingers of my right hand were two knuckles into the pulley. Fortunately, by
this time, I had recovered my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to
the rope in spite of the extreme pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground
and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the
barrel now weighed about 50 pounds. I again refer you to my weight in block
number 7. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent back down the side of
the building.
In the vicinity of the 3rd floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts
for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations on my legs and lower body. The
encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell
onto the pile of bricks, and fortunately, only 3 vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks, in pain,
unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel 6 stories above me, I again lost
my presence of mind, and let go of the rope...
-= business humor =-= 6 =----------------------------------------------------
The Accident (another version)
Dear Sir:
I am writing in response to your request for additional information for block
number 3 of the accident reporting form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of
my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I
trust the following detail will be sufficient.
I am an amateur radio operator and on the day of the accident, I was working
alone on the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had completed my work,
I discovered that I had, over the course of several trips up the tower, brought
up about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware. Rather than carry the now un-
needed tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a
small barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the gin pole
at the top of the tower.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded
the tools and material into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground and
untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow decent of the 300 pounds of
tools. You will note in block number 11 of the accident reporting form, that I
weigh only 155 pounds.
Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my
presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded
at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of
the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured
skull and broken collarbone.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the
fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately,
by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the
rope in spite of my pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground
and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools, the
barrel now weighed approximately 20 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in
block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of
the tower.
In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This
accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower
body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when
I fell onto the pile of tools and fortunately, only three vertebrae were
cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the tools, in pain,
unable to stand and watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me... I again lost
my presence of mind. I let go of the rope.
-= business humor =-= 7 =----------------------------------------------------
(From "Best of Business" magazine, Winter 1989)
Profits earned by Coca-Cola in Japan in 1987: $350 million
Profits earned by Coca-Cola in the United States in 1987: $324 million
-= business humor =-= 8 =----------------------------------------------------
They have a philosophy course that prepares you for the Post Office. It's
called "I Think, Therefore I Am Overqualified." - comedienne Judy Tenuta
-= business humor =-= 9 =----------------------------------------------------
Fortune Magazine reported that some employees of Merrill Lynch's New York office
were so incensed at its mailroom service a few years ago that they sent
interoffice mail via Federal Express. "Memos were whisked from floor to floor
via Memphis."
-= business humor =-= 10 =----------------------------------------------------
Light Bulb
International Business Machines Corporation
Documentation #XQ37569214
The Obfuscation Elimination Facility for The Replacement of the Multitasking
Incandescent Illuminating Radiation Source Driven by Electromotive Force.
-= business humor =-= 11 =----------------------------------------------------
Lawyers in Japan
Copied from the Sunday Daily Breeze -
Take heart, America. Three monkey wrenches have been thrown into Japan's
well-oiled economic machine. It's only a mater of time before that powerful
engine of productivity begins to sputter and fail.
What could cause such a sharp turnaround? High interest rates? Increased
unemployment? Lower productivity? No, it's something much more economically
debilitating - and permanent.
Three American lawyers have become the first foreign attorneys permitted to
practice law in Japan. What's more, two of them are from New York!
The decline has begun.
Japan has one attorney for every 10,000 residents, compared to the U.S. ratio of
one attorney for every 390 residents. For every 100 attorneys trained in Japan,
there are 1,000 engineers. In the United States, that ratio is reversed.
But a law that became effective on April 1 permits foreigners to practice in
Japan for the first time since 1955. Already, an additional 20 American and six
British lawyers have applied for permission to open practices in Japan.
If anything can slow the Japanese economy, it's the presence of American
attorneys. What better way to even our balance of trade than to send Japan our
costliest surplus commodity?
-= business humor =-= 12 =----------------------------------------------------
Government studies show that a 7% unemployment level is acceptable to 93% of
the working population.
-= business humor =-= 13 =----------------------------------------------------
A Grim Fairy Tale - Corporate Boat Race
Once upon a time, an American automobile company and a Japanese auto company
decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River. Both teams
practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they
were as ready as they could be.
The Japanese team won by a mile.
Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their moral
sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat
had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of "Executives" was
set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective
action.
Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing
and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8
people steering. The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a
consulting firm to do a study on the management structure.
After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that
"too many people were steering and not enough rowing." To prevent losing to the
Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to "4 Steering
Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager" and a new
performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work
harder and become a six sigma performer. "We must give him empowerment and
enrichment." That ought to do it.
The next year the Japanese team won by two miles.
The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of
the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted
development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting
firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.
-= business humor =-= 14 =----------------------------------------------------
An automobile company is planning to build a new model made from all its
previous engineering errors. The new model will be called Total Recall.
-= business humor =-= 15 =----------------------------------------------------
Dead Broker
A man, who barely made it through the Black Monday crash, called E.F. Hutton
the next day and asked, "May I speak to Mr. Spenser, my broker, please?"
The operator replied, "I'm sorry. Mr Spenser is deceased. Can anyone else
help you?" The man said no and hung up.
Ten minutes later, he called again and asked for Mr. Spenser, his broker. The
operator said, "You just called a few minutes ago, didn't you? Mr. Spenser has
died. I'm not making this up." The man again hung up.
Fifteen minutes later he called a third time and asked for Mr. Spenser. The
operator was irked by this time. "I've told you twice already, Mr. Spenser is
dead. He is not here! Why do you keep asking for him when I say he's dead?"
The man replied, "I just like hearing it."
-= business humor =-= 16 =----------------------------------------------------
A speaker was getting tired of being interrupted. He grabbed the microphone
and said loudly, "We seem to have a great many fools here tonight. Would it be
advisable to hear one at a time?"
Someone in the back of the room said, "Yes. Get on with the speech."
-= business humor =-= 17 =----------------------------------------------------
A Marketing Manager got married to a woman who had previously been married
eight times. On his wedding night, his wife informed him that she was still a
virgin. This puzzled the Marketing Manager since after eight marriages, he
thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He
asked his new bride to explain the phenomena.
Her comments were as follows,
"My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage
telling me, in grandiose terms, 'It's gonna be great!'
My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it
was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.
My third husband was from Field Service who constantly said that everything
was diagnostically 'okay', but he just couldn't get the system up.
My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, 'Those
who can...do; whose who can't...teach.'
My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department who said that he had
the orders, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.
My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic
process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new
state-of-the-art method.
My seventh husband was from Finance And Administration. His comments were
that he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether or not it was his job.
My eighth husband was from Standards And Regulations and told me that he was
up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it."
The wife said sweetly to her new husband, "Now I am married to you, a man of
Marketing."
The husband looked at his wife and simply said, "I know I have the product,
I'm just not sure how to position it!"
-= business humor =-= 18 =----------------------------------------------------
CEO problems
A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation.
The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with
three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't
think you can solve," he said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a
downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wits's end, he
remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first
envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the
feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press - and Wall
Street - responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon
behind him.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales,
combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous
experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read,
"Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on
difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the
third envelope.
The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."
-= business humor =-= 19 =----------------------------------------------------
Four Reasons For Reorganizations
1) Realign the company with the bottom line.
2) Swing back and forth between decentralized and centralized.
3) Disguise the head count reduction.
4) Protect the inept.
-= business humor =-= 20 =----------------------------------------------------
How To Get Better Service On Your Machine
1. Do not call for service until everyone concerned has had time to form an
opinion as to what is wrong; allow each person the chance to correct the
problem. Whenever possible, all controls and adjusting screws should be
turned.
2. After several days, when the machine malfunction has become a major
emergency, place an urgent call for service. Fridays are best, but anytime
after 4PM is okay.
3. Alert all personnel so that each can give their version of what is wrong.
Suggestions of how to fix the machine will be welcomed by the serviceman.
4. Hide the service history log that is found inside the machine. Make several
references to the man who was here for the same problem last week.
5. Have at least eight graduate engineers present to ask highly technical
questions which are in no way related to the immediate problem.
6. The minute the serviceman arrives, ask what caused the delay. Make it clear
that he was to arrive two days ago. Before he can answer, ask him when the
machine will be back in service.
7. The machine should be as dirty and greasy as possible. A mixture of oil and
pencil sharpener shavings work well. If the machine has electrical
components, add staples and paper clips.
8. Assign someone to supervise the repair. A person who has never seen the
machine before is preferred. Bad breath is a big plus.
9. Ask again when the machine will be ready for use.
10. Be sure that the lights are off in the room where the machine is to be
repaired. A good serviceman can fix them blindfolded.
11. Ask if the machine is ready yet. If the serviceman is looking at a
schematic diagram, ask if he knows what he is doing.
12. When the repair is completed, tell him what a swell job he did. Tell him
that the job should be swell, it took long enough.
13. Try to talk the serviceman down on the bill. Those big companies make too
much money anyway.
14. After the serviceman has gone, call his supervisor and tell him the machine
is now worse than it was before. Follow up with a letter and send a copy to
the company's home office.
15. Follow the above rules on every service call, no matter how small the
problem is.
-= business humor =-= 21 =----------------------------------------------------
HP and Motorola decided to have a boat race, on the Thames, following the
famous Oxford vs Cambridge course. Both teams practiced hard, and came the big
day, they were as ready as they could be. HP won by a mile.
Afterwards, the Motorola team were very downhearted, and a decision was made
that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a working party was
set up to investigate and report.
Well, they had everybody on the working party, Sales, Systems Engineering,
Marketing, Customer Education, Field Service, the whole lot, and after three
months they came up with the answer, and the working party co-ordinator gave his
summary presentation.
"The problem was", he said, "that HP had 8 people rowing and 1 steering,
whereas we had 1 person rowing and 8 steering."
The working party was then asked to go away and come up with a plan to
prevent a recurrence the following year, for Motorola's pride had been damaged,
and another defeat was not wanted.
Two months later, the working party had worked out a plan, and the
coordinator gave his (customarily brief) summary:
"The guy rowing has got to work harder"
-= business humor =-= 22 =----------------------------------------------------
A businessman was having a tough time lugging his lumpy, oversized travel bag
onto the plane. Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to stuff it in
the overhead bin. "Do you always carry such heavy luggage?" she sighed.
"No more," the man said. "Next time, I'm riding in the bag, and my partner
can buy the ticket!"
-= business humor =-= 23 =----------------------------------------------------
From the San Jose Mercury News 2/2/92
Britain has just announced that makers of electrical appliances in that
country must begin attaching plugs to the ends of electrical cords. Britons,
for we don't know how long, have been required to buy plugs and attach them to
their new toasters, irons, and electrical what-have-yous.
But now the Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents, citing its
research into the matter, says it was surprised to learn that "it is common
practice everywhere else in the world to sell electrical goods with a plug
attached."
-= business humor =-= 24 =----------------------------------------------------
Then there's always the proverb "A fool and his money are soon parted." What I'd
like to know is how a fool and his money got together in the first place?
-= business humor =-= 25 =----------------------------------------------------
Some Do's And Don'ts For All You International Business Travellers
(Signs Seen At Various Foreign Establishments)
In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not
person to do such thing is please not to read notis. (sic)
In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day.
During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards and only when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing
floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number
of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office
between the hours of 9 and 11 A. M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the
job of the chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastary: You
are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers,
artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in
the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
At an Acapulco hotel: The management has personally passed the water served
here.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup
with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef
rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courageous,
efficient self-service.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we
will execute customers in strict rotation.
Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Aets
by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the
past two years.
In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape
since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel
porter.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our
black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and
women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for
that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the
opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this
purpose.
A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been
passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon
having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours
- we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your
own ass?
In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own
skin.
On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work
throughout its useful life.
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop, Drive Sideways.
In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today - no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if
dressed as a man.
At a Bangkok dry cleaner: Drop your pants here for best results.
On a toy doll's package in Spain: Laughs while you throw up.
In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in
all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR,
you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in
the bar.
At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable
food, give it to the guard on duty.
In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are
best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please
control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave
in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still
obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well talking. Here
speeching American.
-= business humor =-= 26 =----------------------------------------------------
From comedian Mark Guido:
Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they had
towels from my house.
-= business humor =-= 27 =----------------------------------------------------
Travel Tips From Those Who Know
[The following is excerpted from Tales from The Hip (Winder 95, Number 2), the
Tragically Hip newsletter.]
Here are a few things we have learned over the years that might make your
travels more pleasant...
1. When in Europe remember that there is no such thing as 'Supereurodiesel' and
do not, I repeat, do not put unleaded gas into a diesel van. Especially don't do
this at 5:00 AM at the Dutch/Belgian frontier.
2. Find the flusher. European bathrooms are strange but, don't panic it's in
there somewhere.
3. Don't drink the coffee at the 'Little Big Horn' truck stop in Montana. Trust
us on this one.
4. If the front desk clerk at your hotel is behind bullet-proof plexiglas, find
another hotel.
5. Swiss border guards carry machine guns and seem well versed in their use.
Also their guard dogs can drive cars and are quick to take offence.
6. If you get on a ferry with 200 drunken Danish soccer fans, well...you asked
for it.
7. The road from Washington to Pittsburgh does not go through Philadelphia.
8. At Heathrow Airport, the shortest distance between two points is not a
straight line. There is no shortest distance between two points at Heathrow.
9. There is a direct correlation between fatigue and proximity of screaming
infants on overseas flights: the more exhausted you are, the closer the
screaming infant.
10. When you die, if you've been bad you won't go to hell. You go to Heathrow
Airport.
The Tragically Hip are a Canadian Rock band. For more information, write to
thehip@hookup.net.
-= business humor =-= 28 =----------------------------------------------------
In February 1994, the Royal Bank of Scotland announced that it would begin to
issue extra check-cashing ID cards to its transvestite customers who request
them, so that they might have separate cards depicting themselves dressed as
male and female in order to "avoid embarassment or difficulties," according to a
Bank spokesman.
-= business humor =-= 29 =----------------------------------------------------
What is orange and sleeps five?
A Massachusetts Department of Public Works truck.
-= business humor =-= 30 =----------------------------------------------------
Heard this morning on the Dick Purtan radio show here in Detroit:
A farmer was sitting on his porch one afternoon when a State Highway Truck
pulled up along side the road in front of his property. The driver got out of
the truck, walked to the grassy area next to the road, dug a hole, then got back
into the truck. A few minutes later, a passenger in the truck got out, walked
to the hole, proceeded to fill it back in, and then returned to the truck. The
driver then moved the truck 50 feet up the road, and the process repeated
itself. This went on for the entire stretch of road in front of the farmer's
house.
The farmer, who was already a bit upset about the poor quality of the road,
couldn't believe his eyes. He stormed down to the truck, pounded on the window,
and demanded to know what was going on.
The driver replied, "We're part of a highway beautification project, but the
guy who plants the trees called in sick."
-= business humor =-= 31 =----------------------------------------------------
Pipe Specification
1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole surrounded by metal or plastic
centered around the hole.
2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length; do not use holes of
different length to the pipe.
3. The ID (Inside Diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the OD (Outside
Diameter). Otherwise, the hole will be on the outside.
4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water, steam, or
other stuff can be put inside at a later date.
5. All pipe is to be of the very best quality, perfectly tubular or pipular.
6. All acid-proof pipe is to be made from acid-proof material.
7. All pipe should be supplied without rust; this can be more readily applied
at the job site. Note: Some vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipes.
If available in your area, this product is recommended, as it will save a
great deal of time at the job site.
8. All pipe is to be cleaned free of any covering such as mud, tar, barnacles,
or any form of manure before putting up. Otherwise, it will make lumps under
the paint.
9. All pipe over 500ft (150m) in length should have the words "Long Pipe"
clearly painted on each side and end, so that the contractor fitter knows
it's a long pipe.
10. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2km) in length must also have the words "Long Pipe"
painted in the middle, so the contractor will not have to walk the entire
length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe or a short
pipe.
11. All pipe over 6ft (1.83m) in diameter must have the words "Large Pipe"
painted on it, so the contractor will not mistake it for small pipe.
12. All pipe closers are to be open on one end.
13. All pipe fittings are to be made of the same stuff as the pipe.
14. No fittings are to be put on the pipe unless specified. If you do, straight
pipe becomes crooked pipe.
15. Fittings come in all sorts of sizes and shapes. Be sure to specify the
direction you are going when ordering.
16. Fittings come bolted, welded or screwed; always use screwed. They are best.
17. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts, quite
separate from the big hole in the middle.
18. If the flanges are to be blank or blind, the big hole in the middle must be
filled with stuff.
19. When ordering 90 or 30 degree elbows, be sure to specify left-hand or right-
hand, otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.
20. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill
pipe. If you use downhill pipes for going uphill, the water will flow the
wrong way.
21. All couplings should have either right-hand or left-hand threads, but do not
mix the threads; otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on one pipe, it
is being unscrewed fron the other.
22. All pipes shorter than 1/8in (3mm) are very uneconomical in use, requiring
many joints. They are generally known as washers.
23. Joints in pipes for piping water must be water-tight. Those in pipes for
compressed air, however, need only be air-tight.
24. Lengths of pipes may be welded or soldered together. This method is not
recommended for concrete or earthenware pipes.
25. Other commodities are often confused with pipes. These include: conduit,
tube, tunnel and drain. Use only genuine pipes.
26. Scottish Regiments in the Army use Army pipes in unusual ways. These are
not approved of in engineering circles.
-= business humor =-= 32 =----------------------------------------------------
From Microsoft
Everett, Washington:
A businessman complained during an Everett City Council meeting about drug users
employing telephones and pagers to make connections in downtown areas. Just
after his comments, a city communications specialist's pager sounded, to a
chorus of laughter. City photographer Louis Filger turned off his beeper and
left the room with an embarrassed expression.
-= business humor =-= 33 =----------------------------------------------------
The Society for Technical Communication (STC) released its annual Report on
the Status of Technical Writers today. This report, issued by the STC's Writers'
Committee on Technical Scribes, monitors the civil and human rights of technical
writers throughout the world and documents abuses against them. It also includes
a handy quick-reference guide to basic Fortran compiler options.
Overall, the report noted that the situation for technical writers the world
over is "precarious, and, in many cases, is worsening rapidly. In particular,
writers in the Third World routinely live in poverty and squalor." (The report
noted that this may apply to other people in the Third World as well.)
The report concludes:
To the twin I-beams of Democracy and Freedom one may add those of Technical
Accuracy and Good Visual Layout. But these too are threatened by mankind's
age-old nemeses: Bigotry... Hatred... Right Justification. If the human
race is not only to survive, but to prosper in the heart and in the mind and
in the soul, technical writers must practice their ageless craft unencumbered
by fear, privation, or schedules.
Some of the highlights of the Committee's report include:
o Worldwide deaths involving courier font have increased 9% over the past two
years.
o Canada recently passed legislation making the passive voice the national
language.
o In China's remote Dimsum province, oxen are used in place of technical
writers, with no apparent loss of readability.
o In North Korea, police departments no longer use electric cattle prods to
torture dissidents, replacing them instead with extremely slow and finicky
daisy wheel printers.
o The Frame Technology Corporation now touts its product as "disposable."
o Torture of technical writers by roving gangs of hooligans known as "editors"
is rampant in Northern Ireland, where sectarian violence between different
spellers of "filesystem" runs out of control. One particularly gruesome form
of punishment is "chopping": holding a writer down and then cutting the dangly
thing off his cedilla.
o A similar practice is "stet-ing," the continual removal and replacement of
chunks of text, leaving the writer dazed and confused. (Or more dazed and
confused, to be exact.)
o A worldwide shortage of #2 pencils has left many technical writers in poorer
countries unable to take notes or doodle during meetings, forcing them to pay
attention or end the meeting by flinging live poisonous insects at the other
attendees.
o The Baath Socialist party of Syria has introduced the use of cuneiform stone
tablets, which jam PostScript printers.
What can you do? Lots. Send a letter to the head of government of one of the
cited countries; include a diagram with mixed fonts and at least one incorrect
cross-reference. Show them you mean business. Or write to the UN High
Commissioner on the Status of Technical Writers, stating that you are
categorically opposed to the use of mustard gas during staff meetings and that
you're still having problems figuring out which way the darn CD is supposed to
go in. Or you can have a fundraising party, inviting all your technical writer
friends and promising them that if they give a donation to Save the Tech Writers
you'll cancel the performance art you had scheduled for the evening.
A copy of the report is available from the Copy Center and from your local
samadzat.
(C) 1992 Mateo Burtch
-= business humor =-= 34 =----------------------------------------------------
About 15 customers had gathered their grocery items at a Safeway in Oxon Hill,
Md., shortly after 10 A.M. on Christmas morning and were lined up at the
checkout lanes, but no cashiers were on duty, and no one answered calls to the
back of the store. Local police were called and, after investigating, found
that the Christmas Eve crew had accidentally left the lights on and the doors
unlocked, giving shoppers the impression that it was open.
-= business humor =-= 35 =----------------------------------------------------
An American, a German, and a Japanese are serving as monitors in a U.N.
peacekeeping force. They are captured by the anti-democratic rebel forces, and
told that, as representatives of "regressive regimes", they will be shot before
a firing squad at daybreak.
Morning arrives. The Japanese national is led before the firing squad and
offered a blindfold. The captain says to him, "Do you have any final words,
imperialist pig?!"
The Japanese man replies. "Before I am killed, I would like to take just a
few moments to explain the importance of Total Quality."
Whereupon the American jumps forward and pleads, "Please! Please! Shoot me
first!"
-= business humor =-= 36 =----------------------------------------------------
Dave Barry on pyramid schemes:
When primitive humans first came along, they did not engage in business as we
now think of it. They engaged in squatting around in caves naked. This went on
for, I would say, roughly two or three million years, when all of a sudden a
primitive person, named Oog, came up with an idea. "Why not," he said, "pile
thousands of humongous stones on top of each other in the desert to form great
big geometric shapes?" Well, everybody thought this was an absolutely terrific
idea. It wasn't until several thousand years later that they realized they had
been suckered into a classic "pyramid" scheme, and of course, by that time, Oog
was in the Bahamas.
-= business humor =-= 37 =----------------------------------------------------
The issue of "Look and Feel" taken a bit too far?
Notice on a package: "The shape and appearance of this package constitute a
trademark of the John O. Butler Co." Seen on a container of Dental Floss!
-= business humor =-= 38 =----------------------------------------------------
A colleague pointed out the following passages in the latest issue of "The Right
Match: A Magazine of Career Management," published by AT&T Corporate Career
Systems/Employee Development (from an article that originally appeared in
"Working Woman," July 1992):
Jobs Built to Last
The 25 Hottest Careers
America may be slow getting back on its economic feet, but we have definitely
sniffed change in the air. The careers we've chosen are built for endurance,
beyond the end of the year, into the next century... Second on the list is:
Bankruptcy Attorney
-= business humor =-= 39 =----------------------------------------------------
The Entrepreneurial Spirit
"People Weekly" magazine reported that Avon cosmetics company has more than
36,000 sales representatives in the Amazonia region of Brazil, with sales
growing at 50 percent a year. Avon representatives in Amazonia sell the
complete range of Avon products, from lipstick, moisturizer, and mascara to
men's bikini briefs, and accept for payment almost any barterable items, such as
fish.
-= business humor =-= 40 =----------------------------------------------------
How To Address A Non-Sexist Business Letter
By Andrew Berman
Let us look at the standard opening phrase of a standard business letter:
Dear Sir,
Well, this is clearly sexist as it precludes the possibility that a woman is
reading the letter. We can try to fix this, however, by writing:
Dear Sir/Madam,
This was suggested in a recent posting in a few of the gender-issue related news
groups. However, someone pointed out that by putting the masculine title before
the feminine one, unacceptable dominance was demonstrated, making this non-PC.
So, I tried to fix it:
Dear Madam/Sir,
Well, this is no good since we're showing dominance in the other direction. Of
course, since Men are Oppressors and Womyn are Oppressees, that may not be so
bad. But it's not *really* PC, is it? Ok, let's try again:
Dear Sir
Madam,
Well, that solves the problem of who goes first. Of course, the Sir is on top
now, which is completely unacceptable. Missionary style het-sexist imagery
abounds. Very bad news, probably worse than the original. Ok, what about:
Dear Madam
Sir,
Well, I was once told that men laying on their back during sex was sexist as
they were making women do all the work. Besides, you still have one on top of
the other showing dominance. We may not sure who's doing what, but *somebody* is
being oppressed here. Next:
Dear MadSiram,
Put the Sir inside the Madam, ok, neither is going first and neither is above
the other one. Ok? NO! This is terrible! The Sir has inserted himself inside
the Madam! Practically splitting her in two with himself! How pornographic! A
man writing a letter addressed like this to a woman is obviously making an
(unwanted) sexual advance. If he were at Antioch college, he'd be suspended for
a year and have to go through rehabilitation. Catherine MacKinnon would have a
fit!
Dear SMadamir,
Now we put the Madam inside the Sir. Oh, now the Sir has enveloped the Madam!
Horrors, she has lost her identity, her sense of self! This is imprisonment!
Ugh, how could I have even thought of this one? I'm so ashamed!
Well, there's only one answer left:
To Whom it May Concern
There. Simple, no reference to sex or sexuality, no problems. Not very
friendly, but then again unwanted intimacy is a sin. And getting rid of
friendliness is a small price to pay to make sure that absolutely no-one is
ever, *ever* offended.
-= business humor =-= 41 =----------------------------------------------------
I don't understand these complaints about the postal service. Time was, you
could put a two-cent stamp on a letter and mail it, and it would arrive at its
destination in two days. Now you put a twenty-five-cent stamp on a letter and
it can take three to four weeks to arrive. Still only a penny a day!
(From the letter column in Harper's Magazine, in response to an article about
the US Post Office.)
-= business humor =-= 42 =----------------------------------------------------
An Unusual Telephone Service Call
This story was related by Pat Routledge of Winnepeg, Ontrario about a repair
call he handled while living in England.
It's common practice in England to ring a telephone by signaling extra
voltage across one side of the two wire circuit and ground (earth in England).
When the subscriber answers the phone, it switches to the two wire circuit for
the conversation. This method allows two parties on the same line to be
signalled without disturbing each other.
Anyway, an elderly lady with several pets called to say that her telephone
failed to ring when her friends called; and that on the few occasions when it
did ring her dog always barked first. Pat proceeded to the scene, curious to
see this psychic dog.
He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the
subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring. He tried again. The dog barked
loudly, followed by a ringing telephone. Climbing down from the pole, Pat
found:
a. A dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via an iron chain and
collar.
b. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signalling current.
c. After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and urinating on the
ground.
d. The wet ground now completed the circuit and the phone would ring.
Which shows you that some problems can be fixed by just pissing on them.
-= business humor =-= 43 =----------------------------------------------------
From Late Show with David Letterman; Thursday, May 19, 1994
Signs You Have A Bad Long Distance Company
==========================================
10. All calls are $2 for the first minute, $94 each additional minute.
9. Operator makes you describe what you're wearing.
8. Their so-called "dial tone" is just a guy with a kazoo.
7. You can only place long distance calls during an electrical storm.
6. They bill you for calls made by some guy named Pepe, and when you complain
they say, "Whatsa problem, man, you no like Pepe?"
5. Whenever you call their office, you hear gunfire.
4. For some reason, your phone doesn't work unless you're wearing 3-D glasses.
3. Everyone you talk to sounds like the guy at the drive-thru window at
McDonald's.
2. No matter what number you dial you always get Richard Simmons.
1. Their slogan is: "Reach out and touch yourself".
-= business humor =-= 44 =----------------------------------------------------
Heard on Paul Harvey News:
The unemployment rate is still so bad in Lebanon, Indiana. In a post office, a
sign was posted: "WANTED for Armed Robbery". 25 people responded.
-= business humor =-= 45 =----------------------------------------------------
The Minnesota Chamber of Commerce recently lauded the waste management practice
of the Crib Diaper Service of Plymouth, Minn., in capturing and donating the
lint gathered from laundering 250,000 diapers per week to a casket manufacturer
to use in stuffing casket pillows, which saves the diaper service $3,000 a year.
-= business humor =-= 46 =----------------------------------------------------
Test Your Business Sense
(thanks to Pat Snider and Gary Guibor)
You are a major defense contractor, and you are building a gun for the Army that
is supposed to be able to shoot down enemy planes. So far, the taxpayers have
paid you nearly $2 billion for it and all your tests indicate that the only way
it would have any negative effect on an enemy plane is if you could somehow
sneak into the cockpit and manually whack the pilot over the head with it. How
should you deal with this problem?
(a) You should try really hard to do a better job.
(b) You should tell the Defense Department that they probably should get another
contractor.
(c) You should refund at least some of the taxpayers' money.
Correct Answer: What problem?
You are a major automobile manufacturer. You have been losing sales to cars from
other nations, particularly Japan, because their cars tend to be fuel efficient,
technologically advanced, and extremely well made, whereas the most innovative
concept you have come up with in the past two decades is the opera window. You
should:
(a) Have Congress pass a law restricting Japanese imports, so consumers will
have no choice but to buy your cars.
(b) Have Congress pass a law making it legal for you to kidnap consumers'
children and not return them until the consumers buy your cars.
(c) Have Congress pass a law ordering the United States Army to barge directly
into consumers' homes and take their money at gunpoint and give it to you.
(d) Remind everybody a lot about Pearl Harbor.
Correct Answer: Any or all are acceptable.
You are a major condom manufacturer with national distribution contracts. Your
latest tests reveal that your products have a major structural flaw which makes
them 86% ineffective. Faced with multi-million dollar losses, not to mention a
population increase, you should:
(a) Alter your sales slogan, "Sure, you're taking a chance, but we've got you
covered... Uh Huh."
(b) Cut one third off and shift your sales emphasis to China; they'll never know
the difference.
(c) Sell them to kids as Super Morbid Teenage Turtle Ranger Power Party
Balloons; they'll buy anything.
(d) Add an agreement to the back of the package: "Opening this package, you
agree that you are too cheap to buy one of our competitor's superior
products, and release us from all liability when this device fails."
Correct Answer: All of the above.
You are a large seafood processor distributing throughout the U.S. Your
inspectors have discovered a sizable amount of your recently shipped product is
contaminated by an undersea pollutant. The contamination is not deadly to
humans, but simulates the aftereffects of a nauseous three day drinking binge.
As a responsible business person, you should:
(a) Contact the Center for Disease Control and the national media to alert the
public; and limit your liability.
(b) Announce an immediate recall of your products, but use your competitor's
return address.
(c) Pretend you're the government and do not acknowledge the problem for ten
years, or until you're caught; whichever comes later.
Correct Answer: Eat lunch at McDonald's.
-= business humor =-= 47 =----------------------------------------------------
From the L.A. Times:
A 1995 raise for millions of white collar federal employees was reduced from
2.6% to 2% by the President, who called it an "alternative pay adjustment"
instead of a pay cut. While some bureaucrats criticized the action, Clinton's
choice of words was lauded by the Federal Euphemism Advisory Board.
-= business humor =-= 48 =----------------------------------------------------
Welfare Bloopers
The following excerpts are drawn from letters written by citizens applying for
payments from a state welfare agency.
I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.
In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the
enclosed envelope.
I am very much annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is a
dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.
Unless I get my money soon, I will be forced to live an immortal life.
You have changed my little boy to a girl. Will this make a difference?
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and three children, one of which is a
mistake as you can see.
I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?
I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born.
Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by
the clergy
Please find for certain if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with
can't eat or do anything until he knows.
In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing 10 pounds. I
hope this is satisfactory.
I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children I have on half a sheet
of paper.
My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief
since.
I want my money as quick as I can get it. I've been in bed with the doctor for
two weeks now and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will
have to send for another doctor.
I am writing to say that my baby was born two years old, when do I get my money.
This is my eighth child, what are you going to do about it?
You have changed my little boy to a little girl, will this make any difference?
Please send me money at once since I have fallen into error with my landlord.
I have no children as yet as my husband is a bus driver and works day and night.
-= business humor =-= 49 =----------------------------------------------------
From the L.A. Times:
The staid Brit journal "The Economist" needed to illustrate their cover story
"The Trouble With Mergers," about problems resulting from recent corporate
couplings. "It's quite difficult to illustrate corporate mergers," said
editor-in-chief Bill Emmott. He settled on a photograph of a pair of copulating
camels. Rejecting mating elephants, hippos and rhinos, he chose the camels
partly because of the old joke that a camel is "a horse designed by committee."
-= business humor =-= 50 =----------------------------------------------------
Original, from fellow co-worker Mike Meyer, making fun of the recent mergers and
acquisitions in our field of work (with apologies to our colleagues over at
L-M.)
Lockheed-Martin To Purchase U.S. Department Of Defense
Washington (AP) - In yet another example of the continuing consolidation of
the U.S. defense industry, Lockheed-Martin announced that it and the Federal
Government have agreed to an outright purchase of the Department of Defense.
The merger, valued at $2 trillion dollars, reflects the continuing
aggressiveness of Lockeed-Martin in securing a lasting position in the defense
business, which has been lately beset by sharp reductions in government
spending.
"I've always wanted to have my own army," said Norman R. Augustine, president
of Lockheed-Martin. "This merger will pave the way for improved margins for our
stockholders, and will allow us far greater control over our international
market. If we want a contract from now on, we'll just roll out the tanks and
-= business humor =-= 51 =----------------------------------------------------
The following was by someone at Kennedy Space Center, found floating around the
office. Background information. Lockheed Corporation (makers of the SR-71,
F-16, C-103, U-2 (not the band silly ;-)) and many space items (including
launching the Space Shuttle), defense, etc) and Martin Marietta (makers of the
Titan II, Titan 3, Titan 4, Atlas, electronics, space craft, defense, etc.)
announced recently that they are planning in merging. This would make the
company the largest defense/space company in the world. The merger has to be
approved by the U.S. Government.
U.S. Air Force To Merge With Lockheed/Martin
Washington (UPI) - In an statement that shocked the defense industry, the
U.S. Air Force announced today that it will merge with the recently merged
Lockheed-Martin conglomerate. Air Force Chief of Staff Merrill McPeak made the
announcement at a White House ceremony today.
"I'm very pleased with the new merger and am excited about working with the
contracting world even more closely," McPeak said of the $600 trillion deal. The
merger would be the second largest in the country, topped only by the recent
marriage of Lisa Marie Presley and Michael Jackson.
The plans for the new company, to be called Air Lockletta, are somewhat
sketchy but sources say that the former contractors will move into military
housing at already closed military bases around the country. Air Lockletta
believes that forcing their employees into government housing will save the
company billions of dollars a year.
The merger wasn't a happy occasion for all, though. Many of the former
contractors were incensed to learn that they would be forced to give up their
frequent flier miles to the Company and many of the former Air Force personnel
were upset that they would now have to decide what to wear every morning.
"It's just not fair," said Capt. Jim Lindsay of Onizuka Air Station, "I've
invested thousands of dollars in polyester pants and patent leather shoes and
they just pulled the rug out from underneath me. Where am I going to get the
money to pay for new clothing and, more importantly, how will I know if it
matches? They ought to make the old contractors wear uniforms instead."
Shareholders of the old Lockheed-Martin company are also unhappy because the
value of their stock plummeted with the announcement. Analysts say that the
drop occurred because of the debt the Lockheed-Martin group took on due to the
merger with the Air Force.
The merger has left the other services scrambling to look into mergers of
their own. The Navy is interested in a deal with Carnival Cruise lines, but
Kathy Lee Gifford has said that she and Richard Simmons oppose a government
takeover. The Army is saying it is keeping its options open but that it expects
to close a deal with the Marines sometime in the near future. The Marines,
upset at not having been included in the Navy negotiations with Carnival, say
that they want to be affiliated with another organization, and for once an
organization that is smarter than they are.
Many say that the Air Lockletta merger will take a while to "fit" the people,
though. "We know how to spend money but we don't know a damn thing about making
it," said an unidentified Lt. Col. in charge of OD-4/DH, a former Air Force
Organization. Many analysts agree with the Lt. Col. and have said that the
company will have trouble initially.
-= business humor =-= 52 =----------------------------------------------------
In the spirit of the Holiday Season(tm), Life In Corporate America proudly
presents...
The Total Quality Management Corporate Christmas Party
The TQM Corporate Christmas Party is carefully designed to give you and your
employees a safe, efficient gathering, optimizing cheer and good tidings.
The first step is to gather an appropriate number of executives to stage this
wondrous event. A good guideline is to draft the aid of all executives making
over $125,000/year including bonuses. These executives should be divided up into
the Greeting Team, the Serving Team, the Walking Team, and the Ceremonial Team.
The Teams should be further broken into two or more teams performing the same
function, thus ensuring increased Quality through Redundancy and Intra-Team
Competition.
Divide your entire personnel into three equal groups. This Top-Down
methodology breaks the task into manageable portions. Issue each employee a
ticket with coupons for each aspect of the party, the Christmas Party Ticket.
Printed on the ticket is the time which the employee should arrive for the
Christmas Party. In order to further relieve congestion, each of the three
seatings should be further broken into three "arrival groups". Thus, for the
12:00 seating you have employees arriving at 12:00, 12:05 and 12:10. Allow no
more than five minutes for any one employee to be late.
Now you can show how well you are organized. Your Employee travels to the
specified cafeteria entrance at the proper time, as specified on the Christmas
Party Ticket. He is warmly greeted at the entrance door by a member of the
Greeting Team, and directed to the queue at the entrance. At the head of the
queue, there are two more Greeting Team Members. Here the Employee surrenders
the bottom portion of his Christmas Party Ticket to a Greeting Team Member, who
then places it in the Door Prize Drawing Bin and directs the Employee to one of
two identical Christmas Party Meal Serving Lines.
At the start of the Meal Serving Line the Employee surrenders the next
portion of the Christmas Party Ticket to one of the final members of the
Greeting Team, who then allows the Employee to proceed with his tasty Christmas
Party Meal. The Employee picks up his Tray and Utensils. He notices two things.
First, the Utensils are neatly sorted and prepackaged for his convenience.
Second, the usual rectangular tray is replaced by the much more efficient
Truncated Tray. The Truncated Tray has its two far corners cut at precisely 45
degrees, allowing more efficient packing at the square Christmas Party Table.
Now the Employee is ready to receive his tasty Christmas Party Meal. Four
members of the Serving Team are ready to dish out his Meal. The first Serving
Team Member takes out an efficiently pre-warmed Plate and adds Turkey and
Stuffing. Here is another example of efficient pre-packaging, bringing your
Employee an assortment of tastes, yet in a compact form for safe, easy serving.
A generous Ball of Stuffing (1.75" diameter) is carefully pre-wrapped with a
Slice of Dark Meat and a Slice of Light Meat, thus satisfying all tastes. Next,
the remaining members of the Serving Team at this Station add Potatoes, Beans
and Gravy, and delivers the Product to the Employee.
Next, two more Serving Team Members offer an impressive array of Cranberry
Juice and Orange Juice, plus a choice of eggnog both With and Without Brandy,
labelled as "Leaded" and "Unleaded" (our little joke). Since we want to deliver
Consistent Value, the "Unleaded" EggNog serving contains twice as much EggNog as
the "Leaded" variety.
Notice that the Christmas Party Serving Lines are implemented with Dual
Redundancy. This is important, since it not only provides more Efficient
Service to meet Demand, but it also, should one line become disrupted, provides
a fallback so as to not severely impact the Schedule.
After the Employee receives his Christmas Party Meal, he is directed by
several members of the Walking Team to his table. Employees are seated solely
based on their order in line, both to provide Good Companionship and to
eliminate confusion imminent in Employees seeking out other particular
Employees.
The Walking Team is perhaps the most diverse Team in its duties. After the
Employee is seated the Walking Team is responsible for ensuring that Everything
is All Right. This includes, when an Employee is finished with his Christmas
Party Meal, the removal of Trays and Utensils, and the distribution of the
standard Christmas Gift. This action is carried out with the Just-In-Time
philosophy. When the Employee's meal is finished and his EggNog is nearing
emptiness, the Walking Team springs into action. One Walking Team Member removes
the Tray and Utensils, one collects the final Christmas Party Ticket coupon, a
third Walking Team Member distributes the standard Christmas Gift, and a fourth
verifies the Employee's Satisfaction with the Christmas Party Meal.
While your Employee is enjoying his Christmas Party Meal, several other
Activities are ongoing. First, a Special member of the Christmas Party Committee
is traveling about the Tables in the guise of Santa Claus. Since time is
limited, you ensure that the delivery of the Santa Claus Service is properly
received by all Employees by use of a Wireless Microphone. Second, the Christmas
Season Atmosphere is provided by your local High School Choir. This not only
provides soothing, cheerful music for your Employees but also strengthens the
Sense of Community with the Town outside the Company.
The third Activity is the Door Prize Drawing. Since no Employee is more than
five minutes late, you can be sure that all Employees assigned to this Seating
have arrived and been Greeted within fifteen minutes after the Opening of the
Seating. Then the Door Prize Drawing Bin can be sprinted up to the head of the
Cafeteria, where the Corporate Executive Officer, with Santa Claus as his
Helper, draws names from the Door Prize Drawing Bin and distributes the Door
Prizes. The Door Prizes are a series of increasingly valuable Prizes, ranging
from a Free Employee Recreational Association Membership to a Telephone
Answering Machine to a Twenty-Five Inch Zenith Color Television, and the Grand
Prize, a Sony Handycam Camcorder.
Once the Door Prize Drawing is completed, the Employees should have had
sufficient time to Eat, Relax, and Indulge in the Fellowship of his Neighboring
Employee. Therefore the Corporate Christmas Party is concluded, and all
Employees present can rise Together and resume their normal tasks, filled with
Happiness, Good Cheer, Good Food and a Renewed Sense of Companionship.
In conclusion, the Total Quality Management Corporate Christmas Party is a
fun, safe way to celebrate, while simultaneously demonstrating the effectiveness
of the Principles of Total Quality Management. It also, incidentally, pays for
itself. The Effectiveness and Precision with which the Corporate Christmas Party
is Planned and Carried Out results in your Employees being able to enjoy the
Party to its fullness, and still be finished early enough to return to the
office after not the usual 45 minutes allocated, but an outstanding Thirty
Minutes!
Author's note: The sick part is this really happened here! The names are
invented but the details are verbatim...
ken ryan
ryan@fsd.com
-= business humor =-= 53 =----------------------------------------------------
Memorandum
Rightsizing The North Pole, Inc.
Seasons Greetings
The usual large flamboyant typeface associated with the seasons greetings has
been downsized this year commensurate with the trend toward corporate
downsizing. [And the fact that SMTP does not support typeface control]
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early
reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether
they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North
Pole.
Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no
longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping
channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share and he
could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model
Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and
Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should
take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer
will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has
been cited and received unfavorable press.
I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed.
Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in
the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that
way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph "a lush who
was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate
comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of
year when he is known to be under executive stress.
As a further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to
continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the
following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas"
subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the
cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing
considerable savings in maintenance.
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective.
In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The
positions are therefore eliminated.
[The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French]
The [four calling birds] were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a
call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have
been calling, how often and how long they talked.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.
Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications
for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well
as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It
has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an
example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an
upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that
from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The
function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current
swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their
outplacement.
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by
the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more
militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation
of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased
out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of
international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest
replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability
may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an
oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band
getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music
and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom
line.
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and
other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries
over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels
will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to
include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") action is pending.
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the
future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request
management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the
right number. Happy Holidays!
-= business humor =-= 54 =----------------------------------------------------
Now *THIS* Is Total Quality Management
From an old issue of the Wall Street Journal:
Beijing - Eighteen factory managers were executed for poor product quality
at Chien Bien Refrigerator Factory on the outskirts of the Chinese capital. The
managers, 12 men and 6 women, were taken to a rice paddy outside the factory and
unceremoniously shot to death as 500 plant workers looked on.
Minister of Economic Reform spokesman, Xi Ten Haun, said the action was
required for committing unpardonable crimes against the people of China. He
blamed the managers for ignoring quality and forcing shoddy work, saying the
factory's output of refrigerators had a reputation for failure.
For years, factory workers complained that many component parts did not meet
specification and the end product did not function as required. Complaining
workers quoted the plant manager as saying, "Ship it." Refrigerators are among
the most sought-after consumer items in China. Customers, who waited up to five
years for their appliances, were outraged.
"It is understandable our citizens would express shock and outrage when
managers are careless in their attitudes towards the welfare of others." Haun
says. "Our soldiers are justified in wishing to bring proper justice to those
errant managers."
The executed include the plant manager, the quality manager, the engineering
managers, and their top staff.
-= business humor =-= 55 =----------------------------------------------------
General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know how to drive.
Imagine if they did... (Think of a computer software or hardware help line.)
HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer: I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!
HelpLine: Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?
Customer: What's an ignition?
HelpLine: It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns
over the engine.
Customer: Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all
these technical terms just to use my car?
HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer: My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!
HelpLine: Is the gas tank empty?
Customer: Huh? How do I know?
HelpLine: There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings
from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?
Customer: It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?
HelpLine: It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more
gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it
for you.
Customer: What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to
keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything
built in!
HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer: Your cars suck!
HelpLine: What's wrong?
Customer: It crashed, that's what wrong!
HelpLine: What were you doing?
Customer: I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way
to the floor. It worked for a while and then it crashed and it won't
start now!
HelpLine: It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you
expect us to do about it?
Customer: I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash any
more!
HelpLine: General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?
Customer: Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has
automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes,
and power door locks.
HelpLine: Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?
Customer: How do I work it?
HelpLine: Do you know how to drive?
Customer: Do I know how to what?
HelpLine: Do you know how to drive?
Customer: I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places in my car!
-= business humor =-= 56 =----------------------------------------------------
Rolls-Royce has come out with what could be called the ultimate traveling work
place. It's a version of its Silver Spur III sedan with extras that include
three cellular phone lines (one each for fax, driver, and owner), dual video
screens in the front seat headrests, a hi-fi VCR, and fold-down compartments
that reveal a laptop computer, fax machine, and printer. Mobile Office magazine,
which admiringly describes the car as a "$250,000 Phone Booth," says it also
features a champagne-chilling refrigerator, "to celebrate the consummation of
the business deal."
-= business humor =-= 57 =----------------------------------------------------
There is, of course, a deep-seated class prejudice ingrained in this discourse
of jobs vs. the environment. It is not the white collar "quiche-and-perrier-
crowd" whose jobs are pitted against the environment. With their clean and
clever work environments, their neat suburban or urban living quarters, their
lifestlyes nurtured by health food and exercise, their minds enlightened by the
newest trend of New-Ageism, they can appear blameless. It is rather the swarthy
crowd of blue collar workers, preferably those with hard hats and chainsaws, who
are refusing to look beyond their narrow self-interest in order to save humanity
and the rest of nature. - Roger Keil in "Green Work Alliances: The Political
Economy of Social Ecology", _Studies in Political Economy_, 44 (summer), 1994
-= business humor =-= 58 =----------------------------------------------------
Savor a deadline;
it is merely an excuse
to stay up all night.
A marketing bird!
He tells me, tells me, and then
tells me what he told me.
Sunset is never
ensnared in a choice between
cost and quality.
- William Warriner "101 Corporate Haiku" (Addison-Wesley)
-= business humor =-= 59 =----------------------------------------------------
Miss Rachel Carson's reference to the selfishness of insecticide manufacturers
probably reflects her Communist sympathies, like a lot of writers these days.
We can live without birds and animals, but, as the current market slump shows,
we cannot live without business. As for insects, isn't it just like a woman to
be scared to death of a few little bugs! As long as we have the H-bomb
everything will be okay. - H Davidson, San Francisco CA, June 29, 1962 (from
the 2/20-27/95 "New Yorker" section entitled "Better Late Than Never," which
includes letters-to-the-editor received between 1925 and 1993. Prior to 1993,
the New Yorker did not publish letters per se. In June of 1962, the magazine
published a three-part article by Rachel Carson, "Silent Spring," on the dangers
of pesticides, especially DDT.)
-= business humor =-= 60 =----------------------------------------------------
Humorous Company Names
Amigone Funeral Home - fineral home in Buffalo, N.Y.
Analy Bazaar - now-defunct variety store in Sebastopol, Ca.
Bang's Ambulance Service - in Ithaca (situated right next to a "Bang's Funeral
Home...conflict of interests, perhaps?)
Beaver Body Works - auto body repair in Baltimore.
Benson Furniture & Mortuary - in Cederville, Ks.
Climax Lubricants - in Houston.
Cumming Cockburn - in Waterloo, Ont.
Curl Up and Die - purported to exist as a beauty shop in Chicago (previously
noted in "Earth Girls are Easy" and "The Blues Brothers").
Edifice Wrecks - purported to exist as a building demolition company.
Fag Bearings - in Springfield, Mo.
FUBAR Screw Co. - in Rochelle Park, NJ.
Hugg the Drugist - drug store in Paducah, Ky. (their slogan was "Hugg the
Drugist and Kiss the Delivery Boy)
Hursen Funeral Homes - in the Chicago area (good to know that transportation is
included)
Klutts Jewelers - in Morgan City, La (now, you be careful with those diamond
cutters...)
Maikedough, Dolunch & Wanke - law firm in Sydney, Australia.
PMS Industries - photography.
Property Management Services - real estate company with big metal signs in
front of houses all over Lawrence (Kansas) that read "PMS". It's also owned
and consists of mostly women. No joke.
R & S Erection Co. - in Santa Rosa, Ca.
Screw Products - in Spring Grove, Ill.
S & M Bargain City - clothing store in Beaumont, Tx.
S & M Clutch & Brake - in Atlanta, Ga.
-= business humor =-= 61 =----------------------------------------------------
How To Win Arguments
I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on
any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of me at
parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.
You too can win arguments and enhance your clout in debates over subject matter
like politics or sports. Also become better and more persuasive in your business
dealings. Simply follow these rules:
Drink Liquor
Suppose you're at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the
economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking some
health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back, afraid to display
your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your date. But if you drink several
large martinis, you'll discover you have strong views about the Peruvian
economy. You'll be a wealth of information. You'll argue forcefully, offering
searing insights and possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed.
Some may leave the room.
Make Things Up
Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove Peruvians
are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU are underpaid,
and you're damned if you're going to let a bunch of Peruvians be better off.
DON'T say, "I think Peruvians are underpaid." Say, "The average Peruvian's
salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum,
which is $836.07 before the mean gross poverty level."
Note: Always make up exact figures.
If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up, too.
Say, "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the Buford
Commission published May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say this in the same
tone of voice you would use to say, "You left your soiled underwear in my bath
house."
Use Meaningless But Weightly-Sounding Words And Phrases
Memorize this list:
Let me put it this way
In terms of
Vis-a-vis
Per se
As it were
Qua
So to speak
You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.," "e.g.,"
and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you do not."
Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say,
"Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't have enough
money."
You never win arguments talking like that. But you WILL win if you say, "Let
me put it this way. In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians,
they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but they do not have
enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D."
Only a fool would challenge that statement.
Use Snappy And Irrelevant Comebacks
You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevent phrases to fire back at your
opponents when they make valid points. The best are:
You're begging the question.
You're being defensive.
Don't compare apples and oranges.
What are your parameters?
This last one is especially valuable. Nobody, other than mathematicians, has
the vaguest idea what "parameters" means. Here's how to use your comebacks:
You say As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873...
Your opponents says Lincoln died in 1865.
You say You're begging the question.
or
You say Liberians, like most Asians...
Your opponents says Liberia is in Africa.
You say You're being defensive.
Compare Your Opponent To Adolf Hitler
This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and
you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say, "That sounds
suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say" or "You certainly do remind
me of Adolf Hitler."
So that's it. You now know how to out-argue anybody. Do not try to pull any of
this on people who carry weapons.
================================================================================
== SALES HUMOR =================================================================
-= sales humor =-= 1 =-------------------------------------------------------
Funny Ads and Signs
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home,
too.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really
repellent.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.
This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and
Gardens.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
For Sale: Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last
Stock up and save. Limit: one
We build bodies that last a lifetime
See ladies blouses. 50% Off!
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of
women wear nothing else.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops!
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
For sale: A quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair,
rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner
having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns
toast.
Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Modular Sofas. Only $299 For rest or fore play.
Auto Repair Service. Free pickup and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go
anywhere again.
Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient
beating.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale
And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled
inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.
Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.
When you are thirsty, try 7-Up, the refreshing drink in the green bottle with
the big 7 on it and u-p after.
If you can smell me you are too close! - sign on the rear of a bakery truck
Drive Carefully. The loaf you save may be your own. - on the back of a bakery
truck
Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs from the
Canadian Broadcorping Castration.
Illiterate? Write for free information.
We make keys to everything except Heaven and Hell; those you make yourself. -
on the back of a locksmith's truck
Cabaret; Striptease/Nite-Club, Classy Downtown Tourist District, Vancouver:
Cabaret lounge presently catering to Japanese Tourists, operating as karaoke
w/out strip-tease but already gross $400K. Imagine the potential! Professional
sound stage, grand piano and elec. keyboard karaoke etc., already in place, with
professional kitchen ready to serve dinner for 112-seats. NOT YOUR AVERAGE
XXX! This Baby has CLASS!! - From a real estate ad for a Vancouver, B.C.
nightclub
Big, huge, gigantic staying in business sale! - on a department store in
Jasper, Florida
Satisfaction Guaranteed or double your garbage back! - on the back of a garbage
truck
Southern Sanitation, Free Snow Removal - on a garbage truck in South Florida(?)
When Ya Got Frankie, Ya Got Trash - from Frankie's Trash Service in Wheaton,
Maryland
Garbage collection and catering - on truck of a private garbage service in Ft.
Lauderdale that offers trash removal at parties in addition to their normal
service contracts
Your number two is our number one. - on the side of a septic service truck
My wife keeps her nose out of my business. - on the side of a septic service
truck
We can take a lotta CRAP! - on the side of a septic service truck, also with a
picture of a skunk holding it's nose
You can't beat our meat. - on a Culver City meat company truck
Please don't die in our washers. - in a laundromat in Westerville, Ohio
Myba Linda Reroofing - on the back of a truck in Yorba Linda, California
-= sales humor =-= 2 =-------------------------------------------------------
Funny Vacation Ads
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated
If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery.
It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the
lovely pool while you drink it all in.
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other
athletic facilities.
-= sales humor =-= 3 =-------------------------------------------------------
Funny Help Wanted Ads
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping
machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
Wanted: Chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month; References required
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion.
Salary and Blue Cross
Wanted: Mother's helper, peasant working conditions.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks
included.
Wanted: Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general
housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
Wanted: 3-year-old teacher needed for preschool. Experience preferred.
Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be
willing to get hands dirty.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Wanted: Haircutter
Excellent growth potential
Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Wanted: Hard working, experienced farm woman. Household and field work; know
how to cook; must own tractor, send photo of tractor.
Alligators!!! We are interested in hiring three semi-obnoxious, pushy Acct.
Executives, for a very boring repetitious job of selling. Our rather dismal
office is located in Longmont. You would be forced to work in the office. Our
current staff, which is the laziest group of individuals you will ever see, drag
themselves to work 5 days a week to decide whether to complain about the
weather, the coffee, the thermostat, or the manager. When that's all over, they
somehow manage to organize themselves, work their calls, and sell a whole lot of
our services and products, which is surprising, because nobody wants to buy
anything we well, because our prices are too high and the economy stinks.
Applicants should have skin like an Alligator, and a desire to suffer their way
to make at least a thousand a week. Paid training to the right three people.
- true ad from "Rocky Mountain News" in Denver on Saturday, January 21 1995
-= sales humor =-= 4 =-------------------------------------------------------
Funny Product Labels
Some actual quotes from labels on the packaging of common household products...
The best has to be: "Johnny Cat is the best value for your money. A 20 lb.
bag of Johnny Cat contains 25% more litter than 16 lb. bags, and 43% more than
14 lb. bags!" Other important information from the bag: "100% natural clay
mined from a rare deposit makes Johnny Cat especially absorbent." And then they
have a section for "Other Uses" of Johnny Cat: "Garage Spills: sweeps up oil and
grease and reduces stains" "Trash Cans: a layer on the bottom reduces odors and
discourages flies" "Refrigerators: an inexpensive nontoxic odor absorbent"
"Gardens: enhances water retention and soil aeration, promotes growth"
All this from a cat litter! Who could ask for more!
From a Dr. Pepper bottle: "Warning: Contents under pressure. Cap may blow off
causing eye or other serious injury. Point away from people, especially while
opening." So remember, when you buy Dr. Pepper, be careful! At any moment,
without warning, it may just explode!
From a kid's Halloween costume (Superman): Stitched into the cape was a tag
saying "Warning: Use of This Device Does Not Enable Wearer To Fly".
From a Pop-Tart (tm) box: "Warning: Pastry Filling May Be Hot When Heated"
From a newspaper article: "A Congressionally-funded study has determined that
many smokers are ignoring the warning labels on cigarette packages"
From a hair blow-dryer instruction sheet: "Warning: Do Not Use While Sleeping"
On the package for Top Cog [tm] fan belts (automotive use): the first step of
the instructions tells you not to change the belt while the engine is running.
From a Boston Globe piece, during a 1973 summer heat wave, describing ways to
"beat the heat.": "No. 1. Stay out of the direct rays of the sun."
Found on the inside of a pull top lid of a liquid radiator sealant: "Caution: Do
not lick lid."
From the Indigo Owners Manual p. 6-9: "Hardware Dos and Don'ts" ... Do not
dangle the mouse by its cable or throw mouse at co-workers.
My favorite warning appears on a box of those cloth roller towels in restrooms.
It says: Warning! Improper use may cause serious injury or death!
-= sales humor =-= 5 =-------------------------------------------------------
A man was walking down the street one day and he saw a 'Salesman Wanted' sign
in a window. He went in the store the owner came out and said, "Can I help you?"
"I'I'IIII w'w'waannnttt j'j'jjoooobbbb." said the man.
"I don't know if this job would suit you because of your speaking problem."
said the owner.
"I'I'III h'h'avvee a'a'a wif'f'fe annd 6'6' k'k'ids a'a'ndd I'I n'neeeed
th'th'e j'joobb." said the man.
"O.K. Here are three Bibles. Go out and sell them." said the owner.
So the man went out and came back an hour later. "H'here'sss your mm'money."
said the man.
The owner was impressed, so he gave the man a dozen more Bibles and sent him
out.
The man came back in two hours and said, "H'here'sss your mm'money."
The owner said, "This is fantastic. You sold more Bibles in three hours than
anyone has sold in a week. Tell me, what do you say to the people when they
come to the door?"
"W'welll" said the man, "III r'r'ing the d'd'oor b'b'ell a'a'nd
s's'say 'M'M'aaddammm, d'd'o y'y'ou w'w'ant t'to b'buy t'this B'Bible o'o'rrr
d'd'o y'you w'w'w'ant m'me t't'o read it to you?"
-= sales humor =-= 6 =-------------------------------------------------------
A nun is undressing for a bath and while she's standing naked, there's a
knock at the door. The nun calls, "Who is it?"
A voice answers, "A blind salesman."
The nun decides to get a thrill by having the blind man in the room while
she's naked so she lets him in. The man walks in, looks straight at the nun and
says, "Uhhhh, well hello there, can I sell you a blind, dearie...?"
-= sales humor =-= 7 =-------------------------------------------------------
Tooth Brush Salesman
A man walk into a department store, finds the manager and says, "I really
need a job, how about giving me a chance?" Manager says, "Sure, but you have to
sell these 500 toothbrushes in a week to get the job." Our hero takes the
toothbrushes and leaves.
Next week, he comes back with the toothbrushes and finds the manager, "I
didn't get any of these sold, but please, _please_, give me another chance."
Manager says, "Ok, but you have to take another 500 toothbrushes." Our man takes
the toothbrushes and tries his luck again.
Again Our Man comes back with the 1000 toothbrushes, talks to the manager,
gets another 500 toothbrushes and tries his luck... So he comes back in a week,
not with 1500 toothbrushes but with a bag of money. The manager gives him the
job and wants to know his trick.
Our Hero says, "Well, the ideas came to me a couple of days ago. I set up a
table on a busy street corner with a bowl of chips, bowl of shit, and a sign
saying 'Free Chip & Dip'. Someone would come along, dip the chip, and
say, 'Yuck! That tastes like shit!' and, of course, I would reply, 'Sir, you
are right, here, have a toothbrush!"
-= sales humor =-= 8 =-------------------------------------------------------
Buzz Word Easy Reference Guide
"Essentially complete."
Half done.
"Impact being determined."
Where the hell are we?
"We predict..."
We hope to God!
"Drawing release is lagging."
Not a single drawing exists.
"Risk is high, but acceptable."
100 to 1 odds, or with 10 times the budget and 10 times the manpower, we may
have a 50/50 chance.
"Is producing increasingly good"
It can now be read with the copies. Naked eye.
"Schedule resolution has a high priority."
When we get around to it. We'll find out where we are.
"Potential show stopper."
All program teams have updated their resumes.
"Serious, but not insurmountables, problems."
It will take a miracle. God should be the program manager.
"Basic agreement, however..."
The S. O. B.'s won't even talk to each other.
"Results are being quantified."
We are massaging the numbers so they'll agree without conclusion.
"Very difficult to maintain the field."
The bill of laden should call out 3 service reps to be shipped with each unit.
"Task force to review."
Gathering 7 incompetents for a decision.
"Not well defined."
Nobody's thought about it.
"Requires further analysis and management attention."
Totally out of control.
"Appears to be attainable."
It will take a miracle.
"Less than expected."
Bombed out.
"This is high risk program."
No way we can make launch.
"Schedule exposed."
We slipped three weeks ago.
-= sales humor =-= 9 =-------------------------------------------------------
From Advertising Age, January 7, 1991, p24
The contest was to predict the next, even nastier pitch for AT&T Long Distance.
The winners are quoted below.
Frequent repeat entry prototype:
"So I go to pick up Bobby from the daycare center and he's not there. I get
home, the phone's ringing and it's them. The guy says, 'Lady, we've got your
kid. Say something to mommy, Bob. (Scream!!!) Please note, Mrs. Sanderson, the
fiber optic clarity of your son's plea...'"
First Prize:
So the guy says, "Hi, I'm Willie Horton and MCI has given me this job as part of
their new work-release program. Let's get together and talk about switching
over." - Randy Dumouchel, copywriter, Primm & Co., Norfolk, VA.
Second Prize:
I just wanted directory assistance for Montana and the next thing I know I'm
talking to Mozambique. So call MCI for credit and I get a recording - of
Roseanne Barr singing. When the operator comes on I say, "AT&T never put me on
hold." She says, "Sweetie, AT&T never had a nasty infection like the one I
got." - Eric Gutierrez, actor/copywriter, New York
Third Prize:
I hear this crash and I find a rock, wrapped in paper, next to my living room
window. I open up the note and it says, "You want it in writing? You got it.
Next time, take the call. MCI. We know where you live." - Mary Hoppin,
consumer services manager, Asian Sources Publications, Hong Kong
Honorable Intention:
So the guy says, "Paul, if you don't switch we're gonna have to fire-bomb your
house." And I say, "Fire-bomb my house? AT&T never threatened me like that."
And he says, "You're not dealing with AT&T." - Paul Gosselin, free-lance
copywriter, Nashville
-= sales humor =-= 10 =-------------------------------------------------------
A traveling salesman stops at a gas station to take a shit. The restroom has
two commodes and there's a guy already there using one of them. The two guys
acknowledge each other and go about with their business. The salesman finishes
first and, as he pulls his pants up, some change drops into the bowl. He looks
at it, thinks for a moment and throws $50 bill into the bowl.
The other guy asks, "Why did you do that?"
The salesman goes, "Don't expect to put my hand in there for 35 cents."
-= sales humor =-= 11 =-------------------------------------------------------
Here is a phone exchange I had one afternoon with a telephone solicitor who had
called me trying to sell a long distance company (this was done just after AT&T
broke up). Sm = salesman, Me = me.
Ring Ring Ring
Me: Hello?
Sm: Hello, I am Gern Blanston representing the Flint Long Distance company. How
are you today, sir?
Me: [bemused] Fine.
Sm: May I ask you what type of long distance company you are using?
Me: [now witha devilish grin] Duuuh... I duuno....
Sm: You don't know? Well, how would you like to be hooked up with the best
satellite phone network of the 80's? We use -
Me: Duh, sure. Can I call my friend from, uh, far away?
Sm: Er, yes. Our long distance service uses the best -
Me: [trying to keep from giggling] He lives in Pango Pango...
Sm: Yes, I see. Well, you can call your fried overseas at a rate you'll -
Me: He has a lizard you know....his name is Ralph.
Sm: I see, well, you can -
Me: Ralph the lizard. He is green and sits in a tree.
Sm: Well -
Me: A palm tree... with lots of, uh...leaves.
Sm: [haggardly] Well, you will save money by using our new optical -
Me: Save money? Really?
Sm: Of course! And if you -
Me: Well, how much is it per yard?
Sm: Pardon me? [really threw him there]
Me: How much is it per yard. Pango Pango is pretty far away from here...
Sm: Well, I never really thought about it that way, but I can assure you -
Me: Will you have to drill a hole in my roof?
Sm: Ah, no. You see, it works like this -
Me: 'Cause my friend, Tom, got one of them black dishes that you put on your
roof...and then he fell off and hurt himself real bad...
Sm: Well, me don't actually come to your house -
Me: Crushed his wife's poodle. Flattened him right out, he did...
Sm: If you could give me a minute to explain the process -
Me: Did I tell you I had a friend in Pango Pango?
I kept doing this act for about 20 minutes before the guy just finally gave me
his number to call him back. That salesman hung on like a pit bull! I guess
he must have thought I was so stupid, he would eventually sell me something.
-= sales humor =-= 12 =-------------------------------------------------------
This joke is the original work of Fred Wheeler and Jeff Sorenson (a hysterical
conspiracy theorist). It is a parody of recent AT&T commercials that ask, "Have
you ever read a book from around the world?" and respond, "You will, and the
company that will bring it to you is AT&T."
Have you ever received an automated sales pitch while you were still in your
pajamas?
Have you ever had thousands of calls all over the world charged to your stolen
account number?
Have you ever had your paycheck deleted by faceless intruders from across the
globe?
Have you ever had an employer know more about your whereabouts and activities
than your spouse?
Have you ever been snuffed to dust by a satellite laser while lying on the
beach?
______
| |
| You |
| Will |
|______|
And the company that will bring this to you
is AT&T
-= sales humor =-= 13 =-------------------------------------------------------
At a clothing store, you can play games with the store clerk as per the
instructions of Steven Wright:
Clerk: Can I help you?
You: Yes, do you have anything I would like?
Clerk: How would I know what you like?
You: I dunno, you started this.
-= sales humor =-= 14 =-------------------------------------------------------
I once heard that Lewis's (department store) in Glasgow used to employ a
"scapegoat". If a customer complained about anything, the department's manager
would summon this guy and fire him on the spot to appease the angry customer.
-= sales humor =-= 15 =-------------------------------------------------------
Paper Or Plastic?
And how about witty comebacks to that age old question, "Paper or Plastic?"
Try this. Go to your local supermarket. Get a can of soup. Look for the most
_clueless_ checker there (there will be one, guaranteed). When they ask if you
want a bag for that, look absolutely horrified and respond, "No thanks, I think
I'll keep it in the can!" or "Wow, do people _usually_ put their soup in a
bag?". Buy a bag of chips. When they offer a bag, examine your chips and say,
"No thanks, I think it comes with one."
Premptive strike: before they can ask you, "paper or plastic," you ask them:
"Paper or plastic?" "Duh..." Pull out a $20 bill and a credit card. Again
repeat: "Paper or plastic??"
If you bought some laundry detergent, rat poison, or household cleansers,
when they ask about a bag, reply, "No thanks, I'll eat it here."
-= sales humor =-= 16 =-------------------------------------------------------
A door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman manages to bull his way into a woman's
home in outback Australia.
"This machine is the best ever" he exclaims, whilst pouring a bag of dirt
over the lounge floor.
The woman says she's really worried it may not all come off, so the salesman
says, "If this machine doesn't remove all the dust completely, I'll lick it off
myself."
"Do you want ketchup on it?" she says, "only we're not connected for
electricity yet!"
-= sales humor =-= 17 =-------------------------------------------------------
A very successful businessman was leaving his office building and saw a
small boy sitting on the curb with a dog. The boy yelled at the businessman,
"Hey, how would you like to buy a dog."
The man was intrigued by this sales approach and asked the boy, "How much do
you want for your dog."
The boy told him, "Fifty thousand dollars."
"Fifty thousand dollars!" the man repeated in astonishment. "What special
tricks does this dog do that he can earn enough money to be worth fifty thousand
dollars?" the man asked the boy.
The boy replied, "Mister, this dog never made a nickel in his life. Manner of
fact, count what he eats I guess you could say you lose money on him every
year."
The businessman felt this was a good time to explain economics to the young
man and expounded on how a item had to produce more income than it consumed to
equal a puchase price ending with he might get five dollars from someone who
just wanted a companion. Feeling he had imparted a very valuable lesson to the
young man, the businessman went on his way.
A few weeks later, the businessman came out of his office building and the
small boy was again sitting on the curb minus the dog. The man said to him, "I
see you took my advise and sold the dog for five dollars."
The boy said, "No, I got fifty thousand dollars for him."
The business man was completely flabbergasted. "How did you ever get fifty
thousand dollars for that dog" he asked.
"It was easy," said the boy. "I traded him for two twenty five thousand
dollar cats."
-= sales humor =-= 18 =-------------------------------------------------------
The following has been culled from the business pages of the New York Times
(Thursday, 5/11)...
Chevy's Answer To Ford's Taurus
Chevy is delivering what it hopes will be its most powerful punch of the
decade.
Last month, Chevy began selling its Lumina midsized sedan, a vehicle aimed
straight for the heart of the huge United States market for four-door family
cars, where the Ford Motor Company has conquered ground so effectively since
1966 with the Ford Taurus and Mercury Sable.
General Motors is not counting on technological wizardry or styling
breakthroughs to win over customers from Ford. Rather, it is putting its hopes
on an innovative marketing campaign that calls on Micky Mouse and the rest of
the Disney stable to help sell the car.
"We were afraid people might be offended by Mickey and Minnie asking them to
spend as much as $14,000 for a car,"
-= sales humor =-= 58 =-------------------------------------------------------
Back in the days of the Mattel Cabbage Patch Kid craze it was usually very
hard to get one for the kiddies. A radio station (I don't know where) announced
that Mattel was going to get Cabbage Patch Kids out to the people of this
particular city.
The plan was that they had to go to the football field of the local
university and wait. An airplane would fly overhead and the dolls would be
dropped onto the field. People were supposed to hold their credit cards up so
that a photographer with a telephoto lens in the airplane could get the credit
card numbers and charge the price of the dolls to the recipients' accounts.
People actually showed up, waving American Express cards in the breeze.
-= sales humor =-= 59 =-------------------------------------------------------
In February 1994, Philadelphia's Department of Licenses and Inspections served
notice of a violation on dancer Crystal Storm at Three Doll House. The
department's weights and measures division, whose primary job is checking the
accuracy of meat-market scales, ascertained Ms. Storm's bust measurement at only
50 inches, versus her advertised measurement of "127", which Ms. Storm said was
in centimeters. Said department official Frank Antico, "That's deceptive
advertising."
-= sales humor =-= 60 =-------------------------------------------------------
From "Late Show with David Letterman" - Wednesday, August 10, 1994
Top Ten Signs Your Shoe Salesman Is Actually The Devil
10. He helps customers sitting in front of him and in back of him by spinning
his head around.
9. His store has big Hitler's Birthday sale.
8. Offers you 15% off if you sell him your soul.
7. Name of store: "Thom McAngel of Death".
6. When you tell him you don't like a pair of shoes, he spits pea soup at you.
5. He gazes into your eyes and the next thing you know, Bang, you own 30 pairs
of Reeboks.
4. When unhappy customer tells him to go to hell, he replies "I can't go home
till six".
3. Sign out front reads "Visa Card, Mastercard, and abandon hope all ye who
enter here".
2. When Michael Jackson got married, his shoestore froze over.
1. All the shoes are size 666.
-= sales humor =-= 61 =-------------------------------------------------------
A Tokyo company, Juonsha, recently began in 1994 offering a mail-order curse
kit, featuring a straw doll to represent the hexee, along with eight
accessories, including nails, a curse manual, and a curse-blocking doll to ward
off return curses. The company at first marketed to boys and girls bullied at
school, but discovered the major market is women who hope to put spells on
neighbors, in-laws, and husbands. Among the hints in the manual: "It is
important to specify the kind of misfortune [you wish upon th victim]... It is
important to imagine the unhappy scenes."
-= sales humor =-= 62 =-------------------------------------------------------
The following are a pair of stories I heard presented as true at a recent direct
marketing (once known to those outside the industry as "junk mail") meeting:
As part of its direct marketing program, J.C. Penneys sells life insurance over
the phone. One of the oddest events these telemarketers had was when they
received one phone call from a person wanting to buy life insurance. The person
who answered the phone began writing the sale as normal until she got to the new
customer's residence; he was on death row, due to be executed the next day. She
had to decline the sale.
When Cessna came out with a new corporate jet in the 60's, it was decided to use
a major Madison Avenue ad agency for a direct marketing campaign aimed at
executives of major organizations that currently have airplanes and so might be
looking to step up to a new jet. In trying to create a direct mail package that
would be novel enough to get to the top executives, it was decided to mail
homing pigeons in tiny wooden crates. The idea was to have each executive
attach a tiny message, indicating whether they wanted more information on the
jet or not, to the leg of the pigeon and then release it. Unfortunately, some
of the organizations selected for this mailing were third-world countries with
representatives at the United Nations. Rather than release the pigeons, they
ate them.
-= sales humor =-= 63 =-------------------------------------------------------
A very large department store chain in the U.S. is very low on sales. The
head of personnel (Mr. Jones) informs the head of each department store that
they are to send all employees over the age of 60 out on early pension.
The early pension plan in implemented. After three months, Mr. Jones, in
going over store reports, notices that the Chicago store has an employee over
the age of 60.
Mr. Jones calls Mr. Smith at the Chicago store to find out why Mr. Green is
still with the store. Mr. Smith explains to Mr. Jones that Mr. Green is the
best salesman that the store has ever had. He brings hundreds of thousand of
dollars into the store a year and that to let him go would be a real loss.
The following week, Mr. Jones goes to the store and down to the sales floor
to secretly watch Mr. Green in action.
Mr. Green says to a customer, "You know, with that new fishing pole that you
bought, you should really have some new fishing clothes." The customer is
convinced and Mr. Green outfits him in hundreds of dollars worth of new fishing
clothes.
Mr. Green continues, "You know, you are going to look so spiffy in that new
outfit with your new fishing pole that it would be a pity not to be seen.
Instead of just standing on the banks of the river, you should be seen in a new
fishing boat." The customer is convinced and Mr. Green sells him a new fishing
boat.
Mr. Green is so convincing that he also sells the customer a new fishing
trailer and a new car to go along with the new boat, new outfit, and new fishing
pole. By the time the sale is rung up, Mr. Green has sold thousands and
thousands of dollars worth of merchandise.
Mr. Jones is absolutely astounded. He tells Mr. Smith to give Mr. Green a
raise. He says to Mr. Smith, "I have never seen such an outstanding selling job
in my life. It is unbelievable that the customer came in for a simple fishing
pole and Mr. Green sold him thousands of dollars worth of merchandise."
Mr. Smith says, "That's not even the beautiful part. That customer didn't
even come in for a fishing pole. He came in to buy his wife a box of tampons.
Mr. Green convinced him that since his weekend was already shot, he may as well
go fishing..."
-= sales humor =-= 64 =-------------------------------------------------------
In 1885, a drug manufacturer claimed "Cocaine can take the place of food, make
the coward brave, the silent eloquent, free the victims of alcohol and opium
habit from their bondage, and, as an anaesthetic, render the sufferer
insensitive to pain."
In 1886, an early advertisement for Coca Cola claimed "This intellectual
beverage and temperance drink contains the valuable tonic and nerve stimulant
properties of the coca plant.
-= sales humor =-= 65 =-------------------------------------------------------
In 1972, advertising agency Young & Rubicam were about to launch Hunt-Wesson
Foods' canned pork and beans in Canada. In the U.K., the product had been known
as "Big John's", and they wanted a Canadian equivalent. The basic translation,
"Grand Jean", seemed insufficiently macho, so they changed it to the colloquial
"Gros Jos". Development, packaging, design, and the other necessities of the ad
campaign went smoothly ahead and the launch date was fixed. Then one French-
speaking copywriter happened to read the label. It appeared, she pointed out,
that the treasured colloquialism went a little far. "Gros Jos" meant "Big
Tits". The campaign was scrapped.
-= sales humor =-= 66 =-------------------------------------------------------
The merchanising manager of a large food chain was on his vacation. While
driving through rural Arkansas he developed a headache and decided to stop in
the next town and buy some aspirin. Stopping at a small grocery store, he went
in and got his aspirin. While in the store, more out of habit than anything, he
walked around to see how it was merchandised.
To his amazement, only about two or the ten isles in the store were devoted
to the basic staples and the other eight isles were filled with Morton salt. He
had never seen anything like this in his life and wondered what caused this huge
demand for Morton salt in a small rural town in Arkansas. Seeing the proprietor
in the rear of the store he said, "My God, you sell a lot of Morton salt."
At which the owner said, "Who me, I don't hardly sell any Morton salt at all,
but that fellow that sells me Morton salt, does he know how to sell Morton
salt!"
-= sales humor =-= 67 =-------------------------------------------------------
Reuters News Service reported in June 1994 that a men's underwear advertisement
on a billboard in Tel Aviv, Israel, features the product with a photo of the
late prime minister Golda Meir, and the slogan, in Hebrew, "Eventually we
remember those who had balls".
-= sales humor =-= 68 =-------------------------------------------------------
Credit card: What you use today to buy something you won't be able to afford
tomorrow because you will still be paying for yesterday.
-= sales humor =-= 69 =-------------------------------------------------------
There were two grocers, Smith and Jones, in the same street. Smith had a
sign in his window, "Avocados, 20 pence a pound". A woman goes in and asks for
some. "Sorry love", said Smith, I haven't got any in just now; come back on
Wednesday".
So she goes on up the street to Jones'. But his avocados are 2 pounds-fifty
a pound! But at least he has them in stock.
"That's a bit steep isn't it? Smith's are only 20 pence a pound".
"Yeah", says Jones, "and when I haven't got any in stock, *mine* are only 20
pence a pound!"
-= sales humor =-= 70 =-------------------------------------------------------
As it turns out, people didn't necessarily want to smell like Cher. - Annette
Green, president of an association of perfume and cologne manufacturers, on why
some celebrity-named products sell well but others don't
-= sales humor =-= 71 =-------------------------------------------------------
With these words, I can sell you anything...
The Adman's 23rd
The Adman is my shepherd;
I shall ever want.
He maketh me to walk a mile for a Camel;
He leadeth me beside Crystal Waters
In the High Country of Coors.
He restoreth my soul with Perrier
He guideth me in Marlboro Country
For Mammon's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the Valley of the Jolly Green Giant,
In the shadow of B.O., halitosis, indigestion,
headache pain, and hemorrhoidal tissue,
I will fear no evil,
For I am in Good Hands with Allstate;
Thy Arid, Score, Tums, Tylenol, and Preparation H,
They comfort me.
Stauffer's preparest a table before the TV
In the presence of all my appetites;
Thou anointest my head with Brylcream;
My Decaffeinated Cup runneth over.
Surely surfeit and security shall follow me
All the days of Metropolitan Life,
And I shall dwell in a Continental Home
With a mortgage forever and ever.
Amen.
-= sales humor =-= 72 =-------------------------------------------------------
Short distance travelers have told us low fares are their primary concern, and
we have responded by streamlining our on-board service. Beginning May 1, 1994,
Continental Airlines is discontinuing its in-flight food service on most
domestic flights of 2.5 hours or less. It's one of the little things that
Continental Airlines is doing to provide you even more airline for your money.
- from a leaflet put out by Continental Airlines entitled, "Short Flight? Grab a
Bite"
-= sales humor =-= 73 =-------------------------------------------------------
A Tokyo company, Juonsha, recently began offering a mail-order curse kit,
featuring a straw doll to represent the hexee, along with eight accessories,
including nails, a curse manual, and a curse-blocking doll to ward off return
curses. The company at first marketed to boys and girls bullied at school, but
discovered the major market is women who hope to put spells on neighbors,
in-laws, and husbands.
================================================================================
== STRESS HUMOR ================================================================
-= stress humor =-= 1 =------------------------------------------------------
Stress - the irresistible urge to choke the living shit out of some asshole who
desperately needs it.
-= stress humor =-= 2 =------------------------------------------------------
Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity to accept
The things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to hide the bodies
Of the people I had to kill because
They pissed me off.
-= stress humor =-= 3 =------------------------------------------------------
Ways To Cope With Stress
Bill your doctor for time spent in his waiting room.
Braid the hairs in each nostril.
Buy a box of condoms. Ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are, and ask for
help.
Buy a subscription to "Sleazoid Weekly" and send it to your boss's wife.
Dance naked in front of your pets.
Do your computer programming assignments in binary code.
Drive to work in reverse.
During your next meeting, sneeze and then loudly suck the mucous back down your
throat.
Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.
Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
Forget the Diet Center and send yourself a candygram.
Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you
can do at a time.
Leaf through "National Geographic" and draw underwear on the natives.
Lie on your back eating celery; using your navel as a salt dipper.
Make a list of things to do that you have already done.
Make up a language and ask people for directions in it.
Pay your electric bill in pennies.
Polish your car with earwax.
Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
Put your toddler's clothes on backwards and send him to pre-school as if
nothing is wrong.
Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages.
Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
Refresh yourself, put your tongue on a cold steel guardrail.
Relax by mentally reflecting on your favourite episode of The Flinstones during
that important finance meeting.
Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back in the wrapper.
Retaliate for tax woes by filling out your tax forms with Roman numerals.
Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they're in jail.
Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.
Tattoo "Out to Lunch" on your forehead.
Tell you boss to "blow it out your mule" and let him figure it out.
Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa bill and vice-versa.
When someone says "have a nice day", tell them you have other plans.
Write a short story using alphabet soup.
-= stress humor =-= 4 =------------------------------------------------------
Things To Do If You Are Bored
abuse your patio furniture, again tell your dad the dog did it, annoy yourself,
apologize to it, apply for a Unicorn Hunting License, argue with
fundamentalists, ask stupid questions, avoid a sale that's too good to miss,
balance a watermelon on your head, be a rabid Boxcar Willi fan, be a side
effect, be a square root, be a threat to the American way of life, be a threat
to the Northwest Tibetan way of life, be cherubic, be in the wrong place at the
right time, be number six, be someone special, beg, belch, birdwatching, boil
ice cream, boldly go where no man has gone before, bonsai grass, bonsai your
neighbor's kids or pets, borrow pencils, braid your dog's hair, break other
peoples things when they aren't looking, buff your cat, build a pyramid, bury
your father's Nissan, butter someone up, buy the Brooklyn Bridge, call strangers
and ask for advice, call strangers and give advice, calmly have a nervous
breakdown, can some music, carry a lantern through the city searching for an
honest man, carry a tune, carve your girl/boyfriends initials in a marshmallow,
catch a falling star, cause a power failure, challenge the neighbor kid to duel,
change a light bulb, change your mind, change your name...daily, chew every bite
of food 100 times, clean and polish your belly button, climb a sidewalk, collect
belly button lint, collect bibles from nuts, collect dust, collect oil pan nuts
from cars, collect stool samples, complain to God that Jupiter has more moons
than we do, confess to a crime that you didn't commit, contemplate a cockroach,
contribute to the population problem, converse with a flatworm, corner the
market on Agnew in '76 buttons, count all the sheets of toilet paper in a new
pack to see if you got your money's worth, count all the words in the newspaper,
count ants, count the cornflakes in a box, count to a million fast, crack your
knuckles to music, crawl, crumble, crumple, cut the deck, debate politics with a
fern, defend your neighborhood from roving Mongol hordes, develop a complex,
dial 911 and then breath heavily, dial-a-Prayer and argue with it, dig up your
roots, do a good job, do a taste comparison on insects, do aerobics in your
head, don't toss and turn, donate organs, donate your brother's body to science,
draw on the window with grape jelly, dress like your favorite Heavy Metal group
and surprise your grandmother, drive the speed limit...in your garage, drool,
drop everything, drop something to see if it breaks, drop your cat from a high
place to see if it really does land on all four feet and repeat the procedure
until failure, duck, dust a tree, eat grass, eat only chocolate-colored foods
for a week, exercise a ghost, exorcise a ghost, exist...existentially of course,
factor your social security number, fill your jean pockets with hamster treats
and drop your pet hamster down in there, find a witch, find out how many ways
there really are to skin a cat, find out where all these cylinders graduated
from, find the heat capacity of your chemistry professor, find yourself, finger
paint with your toes, flash your goldfish, flirt with an evergreen, fly a brick,
fold marshmellows, form a political party, found a cockroach stable and stud
farm, found the Jim Jones' School of Modern Bartending, found the TLO (Toledo
Liberation Organization), free the obsessed toaster-ovens of America, freeze dry
pets, genuflect to Larwence Welk, get a college education, get a dog to chase
your car, get angry with yourself, get lost, giggle, give a lecture tour on the
historical significance of cream cheese, give a Rorschach (ink blot) test to
your gerbil, give your cat a mohawk, give your cat a suntan...in the microwave,
give your goldfish a perm, give your grandmother a raise and another week paid
vacation, go back to square one, go bow hunting for Toyotas, go bowling for
small game, go for a walk in the attic, go to a cemetery and verbally abuse dead
people, go to a drive-in movie in a tank, go to a funeral and tell rude jokes,
go to a non-drive-in movie in a tank and drive in anyway, hard boil all the
eggs, harness chipmunk power, have a proton fight, have your car painted plaid,
have your cat bronzed, have your first statement of bankruptcy framed, hit the
deck, hop to class or work on one foot, hot wax the bottoms of your brother's
dress shoes, imagine there's no heaven, install handicapped access to the {your
favorite pathetic baseball team here}'s dugout, interview a cloud, ionize your
new chemistry professor (remember you took the heat capacity of the first one),
join Hell's Angels by mail, join the Army...be someone simple, join the Foreign
Legion, join the military, jump back, keep track of an ant for the entire
afternoon, kick a cabbage, kickstart your TV, kickstop your TV, kidnap Cabbage
Patch Kids, kiss and make up, knight yourself and some close friends, learn
everything there is to know about the Holy Roman Empire, learn Greek, learn to
read Sanskrit, learn to type with your toes, learn to write Sanskrit, lie to
yourself, listen for Satanic messages, listen to a painting, look for ticks on
the living room carpet, look forward to something, look in all the gratings for
coins, loosen the lug nuts on your dad's new car, mail Jerry Falwell a Hustler
magazine, make a deal with the Devil...keep your fingers crossed, make a drive
in window at your local bank, make a lifesized replica of the Statue of Liberty
out of grape jello, make a quilt out of used cocktail napkins, make a schematic
drawing of a rock, make rude noises with your armpits, measure all the
toothpaste in the tubes of two competing brands, mow your carpet, mow your lawn
with a Hoover, mug a stop sign, organize a Twister or limbo stick game at the
office, paint a smile, paint faces on your fingernails and talk to them, paint
stripes on a lake, paint your home day-glo orange, paint your teeth, paint your
windows, paint, park your car with a friend, park your car with a group of
friends, pay a bill with pennies, pay off the national debt with a bad check,
perfect the internal combustion telephone, pinstripe your driveway, place your
cat in hyper-space, plant a shoe, play "Kick the fire-hydrant", play an
instrument you've never seen before, play cards in your swimming pool, play
dead, play dead in swimming pools, play hockey with your little cousin as the
puck, play Houdini with one of your siblings, play nuclear chicken with a small
third world nation, play Pat Boone records backwards, play solitaire for cash,
play tag on the nearest interstate, play tiddly-winks...go for blood, play to
lose, play with matches, play with your food, plot the overthrow of your local
school board, pour instant concrete in your brothers waterbed, pretend to be an
alien, pretend to be drunk or stoned, pretend to be The Alien (avoid Sigourney
Weaver), print counterfeit Confederate money, prove Fermat's Last Theorem, prove
once and for all that a cow can jump over the moon, prove your own existence,
purr, put legwarmers on all your furniture, put lighted Exit signs on all your
closets, put out a fire, quiver, race turnips, raise professional racing
ferrets, rake your carpet (to clean up the clippings), re-establish the Roman
Empire in Toronto, read a Harlequine Romance Novel...but only if you're REALLY
bored, read every book in your local library, read Homer in the original Greek,
read the 1962 Des Moines White Pages, read the entire phone book and check who
in your area has a last name beginning with either "Aaaaa..." or "Zzzzz...",
read the financial section of the newspaper to your plants, rearrange all the
produce at the salad bar, rearrange political campaign signs, recite romantic
poetry to your toaster, redecorate your garage, refuse to talk for three days,
regress, request covert assistance from the CIA, revert, ride a bicycle up Mt.
McKinley, ride a loaf of bread, roll over, rotate your garden daily, run around
in squares, run for Pope, sacrifice animals, sand a mushroom, scalp a VW, scare
Steven King, scheme, search for buried treasure in Nebraska, see how long you
can hold your breath, see how many pieces of gum you can chew at once, see how
many teaspoons of water your bathtub holds, see if you really can build a small
nuclear device in your basement, send the president an alarm clock...wind it up
first, send your goldfish to obedience school, set your hair on fire, shadow box
with yourself until you win, sharpen your sleeping skills, sharpen your teeth,
shave a shrub, shave your neighbor's kids or pets, shoot at a fire hydrant, sing
the National Anthem during your calculus final, sit, ski Kansas, skydive to
church, sleep on a bed of nails, smile, solve the population problem (i.e. x +
2y - 16x = population; solve for x), speak in acronyms, speak nothing but
three-letter words for a day, speak with a forked tongue, spell your name in
urine on the sidewalk, spew, sprinkle your family room, stand in front of a
mirror and count your hair, stand on someone else's head, stand on the weight
scale until you lose five pounds, stand on your head, staple, starch your shoes,
start a cult, start an argument, steal hubcaps and put them on other cars,
sterilize your stereo, with Jack Daniels, stop speaking to yourself, subscribe
people to magazines, surf Ohio, sweat, take a picture, take apart all your major
kitchen appliances, take your sofa for a walk, talk to homeless people, talk to
yourself, take a brown-bag lunch and a six pack of cheap beer to an expensive
restaurant, taste household products and record toxicity, tell knock-knock
jokes, test gravity, test thermodynamics, test thin ice with a pogo stick, think
shallow thoughts, think up new state mottos for Maryland, throw a political
party, throw a tantrum, throw an armadillo, throw spitballs at the ceiling and
try to make them stick, tickle a friend, tickle a policeman, tickle yourself,
tie-dye a cat, translate Shakespeare into English, tree a goldfish, try
homo/hetero-sexuality, turn your TV picture tube upside down, twitch, upholster
a table, waffle and then iron, walk on water but DON'T get caught, walk under
falling pianos, walk under ladders, wallpaper your bedroom with junk mail, wash
a tree, watch a car rust, watch milk turn to yogurt, watch paint dry, watch the
grass grow, watch the sun to see if it moves, water your dog to see if he grows,
watch your toenails grow, wax the ceiling, wear a salad, wear your clothes
inside out, whine, wonder, wriggle, write a book about a previous life, write a
letter addressed to "Occupant" to every address on your block, write a letter to
Plato, write a song for a push-button phone, write letters to all the political
officials that are representing you and tell them what a good job they are
doing...on April 1st, yodel on the bus
-= stress humor =-= 5 =------------------------------------------------------
You Know It Is Going To Be A Bad Day When...
Every person you ask for job leads says "I wish *I* had some job leads".
Fellow co-workers talk *seriously* about jobs at K-Mart.
People in your department greet each other with "How's the job search?" instead
of "How's it going?"
Talking causes the newly formed zits around your mouth to pop.
The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
The Gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money.
The woman you've been seeing on the side begins to look like your wife or the
man you've been seeing on the side begins to look like your husband.
There is a '60 Minutes' crew at your office door.
You accidently wash your hair with "Nair".
You call the Suicide Prevention Hotline and they put you on hold.
You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.
You find a completely empty parking lot when you get to work at 9:00 AM.
You find your boss, two higher levels of management, and a security guard
waiting for you when you get in.
You find your office door has disappeared since last night.
You get a paper cut from a get-well card.
You go to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
You have an asthma attack on the way to work, and you confuse your inhaler with
with your Mace.
You have to borrow from your Visa to pay off your MasterCard.
You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
You put your bra on backwards, and it fits better. (Applies mostly to women)
You see the "That's Life" team waiting for you in your office.
You see your picture at the post office with the caption "$100,000 Reward".
You think your toothpaste tastes funny, and upon closer examination find out
that it's Preparation-H.
You turn on the news and they're displaying emergency routes out of your city.
You wake up and your braces are locked together.
You wake up face down on the sidewalk.
You wake up to discover that your waterbed broke; then you remember that you
don't have a waterbed.
You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your panty hose.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
Your boss tells you to not bother taking off you coat.
Your car costs more to fill up than it did to buy.
Your doctor tells you, "Well, I have bad news and good news..."
Your ex's lawyer calls.
Your four-year-old tells you that it is almost impossible to flush a grapefruit
down the toilet.
Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of
Hell's Angels on the freeway.
Your income tax rebate check bounces.
Your manager calls you into the office on a Friday.
Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business.
Your pet rock snaps at you.
Your twin brother/sister forgets your birthday.
Your wife says "Good morning Bill", and your name is George.
Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
-= stress humor =-= 6 =------------------------------------------------------
You Know You're Getting Old When...
A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
A fortune teller offers to read your face.
After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a
second coat.
All your favorite music groups now only have "The Best Of ..." compilation CD's
at the stores.
Dialing long distance wears you out.
Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
Instead of strawberries, you put prunes on your cereal.
It takes you all night to try to do what you used to do all night.
Sex is now on the Quarterly Plan.
The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off.
The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
The little old gray-headed lady you help across the street is your wife.
You are finally allowed to stop sucking in your gut.
You are on a first name basis with your proctologist.
You are startled the first time you are addressed as an old timer.
You are still chasing women, but can't remember why.
You are visiting a museum with your grandson and a guard tells him to don't
touch the exhibits.
"You are what you eat" turns out to be true.
You belong to the Bartles & James Wife Swapping Club.
You burn the midnight oil until 9pm.
You feel like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere.
You get winded playing cards.
You get your exercise acting as a pallbearer for your friends who exercised.
You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
You join a health club and don't go.
You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.
You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong
wall.
You have already gone to two Woodstock festivals in your lifetime.
You know all the answers but nobody asks you the questions.
You notice more and more younger drivers waving at you with one finger.
You own the same music recording in 78 RPM, 8-track, cassette tape, 45 RPM, 33
RPM, and Compact Disc formats.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
You start answering to "Geezer".
You suddenly notice Bea Arthur has nice legs.
You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
You walk with your head high trying to get used to your bifocals.
YOU WONDER WHY MORE PEOPLE DON'T USE THIS SIZE PRINT.
Your back goes out more than you do.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
Your children begin to look middle aged.
Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..."
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
Your little black book contains only names ending in M. D.
Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up and down when you see a pretty girl.
Your walker is equipped with an airbag.
-= stress humor =-= 7 =------------------------------------------------------
Some French Humor On Aging
Ce qu'on appelait autrefois l'age mur tend a disparaitre. On reste plus
jeune tres longtemps, puis on devient gateux. - Alfred CAPUS (Translation:
What we used to call the age of maturity is tending to disappear. Now we remain
young for a long time and then fall suddenly into senile decay.)
L'age est une grace qu'il faut meriter et non un poids qui nous ecrase. -
Jacques De Bourbon Busset (Translation: Age is a grace that we must earn, not a
weight to crush us.)
Et puis, il ne faut jamais oublier qu'on est toujours le vieux, mais aussi le
jeune de quelqu'un. (Translation: Then, we must never forget that we are
someone's elder as well as someone's junior.)
A vingt ans, la Parisienne est adorable. A trente ans, elle est
irresistible. A quarante ans, elle est charmante, Apres cinquante...Mais non,
une Parisienne ne depasse jamais quarante ans. - Andre Maurois (Translation:
At 20 years, a Parisian woman is adorable; at 30, she is irresistible; at 40,
she is charming; after 50 ... but wait; no Parisian woman is ever past 40!)
La trentaine est un age difficile... La vie est finie, l'existence commence.
- A. Bay (Translation: The thirties are a difficult age. Life is finished;
living begins.)
Les alentours de la trentaine, c'est un age critique pour un homme, celui ou
l'on fait des grosses betises ou plutot l'age ou les betises que l'on fait
commencent a etre irremediables. - Jean Dutourd (Translation: Around 30 is a
critical age for a man, when he begins to make great mistakes, or rather, when
the mistakes he makes begin to be irreparable!)
Personne n'est jeune apres quarante-cinq ans, mais on peut etre irresistible
a tout age. - Coco Chanel (Translation: No one is young after 45, but anyone
can be irresistable at any age!)
Quand j'etais petit, on me disait toujours; "tu verras quand tu auras
cinquante ans". Eh bien m'y voila a cinquante ans. Et je n'ai rien vu. Rien.
- Erik Satie (Translation: When I was small, they said, "When you're 50, you'll
see." Well, here I am 50 years old and I have seen nothing. Nothing!)
Je suis dans le fleur d'un age qui commence a sentir le chrysantheme. - R.
Lassus (Translation: I am in the flower of the age when I begin to smell
chrysanthemums. [Mums are the funeral flower in France. In the USA, we might
say "I smell lilies.])
Les gens de mon age me paraissent plus ages que moi. - Maurice Chapelin
(Translation: People of my age seem older than I am!)
Source: Extraits du petit dictionnaire de l'insolite et du sourire. Posted by
Fabienne Penner Division des Enseignements Institut Le Bel
penner@adm-ulp.u-strasbg.fr
-= stress humor =-= 8 =------------------------------------------------------
Reasons Why Intelligent Beings From Outer Space Will Never Want To Visit Earth
"real simulated oak" pressboard, 17-level voice mail, AIDS, Howard Stern, I.R.S.
tax forms, Lou Gehrig's disease, Rush Limbaugh, abandonment of children and
pets, absentee landlords, acid rain, ads and chain letters on the Internet,
airline food, airliners exploding in mid-air, anal rape, athletes foot fungus,
bad drugs, bad luck, bank failures, bathtub accidents, beefcake worm, being the
only one in the elevator that uses deodorant, birth defects, blind dates, body
lice, breech of contracts, broken glass, broken promises, bubonic plague, buying
"2 for 1" when you really didn't want one, calcium deficiency, carbon deposits,
card sharks, cattle stampedes, chain reactions, charlatans, chemical spills,
child abuse, cluster headaches, contamination of the water supply, continental
drift, corporal punishment, cryptic DOS/UNIX/Windows error messages, daytime
television, defrocked priests, dental visits, depletion of the ozone layer,
diarrhea, discrimination, disgruntled employees and postal workers, divorces,
dry rot, dutch elm disease, dynamite and plutonium proliferation, earthquakes,
entropy, escaped maniacs, eternal damnation, evil neighbors, evil spirits,
failure of will, faithless friends, falling rocks, false advertising, family
scandals, faulty merchandise, financial ruin, flash floods, flesh-eating
bacteria, floods, forest fires, freezing winter days without sunlight for weeks,
genetically altered foods, global warming, greenhouse effect, gridlock, hard
drive crashes, hate groups and organizations, herpes, hotel fires, humans that
have bad gas and don't do anything about it, hurricanes, ill-fitting shoes,
infomercials, insurance salesmen, intestinal bleeding, jealous co-workers, junk
electronic mail, killer bees, killer frosts, labor violence, lawyers who
advertise on television, lightning, locusts, loss of equilibrium, loss of faith,
loss of privileges, loud rap music, lynchings, mail fraud, malpractice suits,
mental instability, metal fatigue, mildew, moral decay, mother-in-laws, mud
slides, mutual assured destruction, nails on the blackboard, neo-nazis,
newspapers delivered promptly every morning on your roof, nine mile fever, not
being able to date anyone in Playboy, not being sure about the Heaven thing,
nuclear accidents, nuclear weapons, nuclear winters, nuisance lawsuits,
obligatory oral sex, obscene phone calls, office politics, on-hold times calling
government offices, on-ramp fruit vendors, organ rejection, paper cuts, paper
cuts from junk mail, paranoia, parasites, pay cuts, peer pressure, people at the
ATM that don't know how to use it, people who don't move at the left turn arrow,
poison meat, political smear tactics, poor workmanship, presidential election
campaigns, price fixing, prickly hot and humid heat, prowlers, public ridicule,
quicksand, rabies, race riots, racism and bigotry to anything that appears
foreign, radar/photo speed traps, rampaging moose, random acts of senseless
violence, rectal exams, religious fanatics, rogue elephants, root canals,
rubbies on Sunday, runaway trains, sand up your ass at the beach,
sensationalized court trials that last for years, serial killers, shipwrecks,
smog so thick you need headlights during the day, snake bites, sneak attacks,
social isolation, soil erosion, solitary confinement, squeegee guys who insist
on washing your windshield, stink bombs, stray bullets, structural defects,
sudden cold shower water in apartments, sunburn, sunspots, taxation without
representation, telephone marketers calling during supper, television
evangelists, terrorism, the breeze up your ass in hospital gowns, the chance of
going to Hell after death, the contraction of the universe, the electricity
going out while you're sitting on the toilet, the wrath of God, threatening
letters, tornados, torture, toxic waste, transverse myelitus, unemployment and
mass lay-offs, ungrateful children, unworthiness, vigilantes, volcanic
eruptions, voltage spikes in the electricity, voodoo curses, water that runs
yellowish brown from your faucet, wax buildup, wayward girls, white slavery,
widespread chaos, wife beatings and killings, wrongful cremation, youth gangs
armed with assault rifles, yuppies in Mercedes
-= stress humor =-= 9 =------------------------------------------------------
From Harper's Index:
Average number of days each year that an American is in a bad mood: 110.
Percentage of Americans who are in a good mood every day: 2.
-= stress humor =-= 10 =------------------------------------------------------
Microsoft Burnout Prevention And Recovery Program
No longer satisfied with total domination of the software market, Microsoft has
unveiled a new set of nonnegotiable standards for wetware operating systems. The
major elements of Mr. Gates's decree, sent to us via anonymous e-mail, are
listed below, and (pending further notice) apply only to employees of Microsoft,
Inc. (And by the way, if you are a Microsoft employee, why are you reading this
on company time? Put down the damn magazine and get back to work!)
1. Stop Denying.
Listen to the wisdom of your body. Begin to freely admit the stresses and
pressures which have manifested physically, mentally, or emotionally.
Microsoft View: Work until the physical pain forces you into unconsciousness.
2. Avoid Isolation.
Don't do everything alone! Develop or renew intimacies with friends and
loved ones. Closeness not only brings new insights, but also is anathema to
agitation and depression.
Microsoft View: Shut your office door and lock it from the inside so no-one
will distract you. They're just trying to hurt your productivity.
3. Change Your Circumstances.
If your job, your relationships, a situation, or a person is dragging you
under, try to alter your circumstances, or if necessary, leave.
Microsoft View: If you feel something is dragging you down, suppress these
thoughts. This is a weakness. Drink more coffee. ( It's free.)
4. Diminish Intensity In Your Life.
Pinpoint those areas or aspects which summon up the most concentrated
intensity and work toward alleviating that pressure.
Microsoft View: Increase intensity. Maximum intensity = maximum
productivity. If you find yourself relaxed and with your mind wandering, you
are probably having a detrimental effect on the stock price.
5. Stop Overnurturing.
If you routinely take on other people's problems and responsibilities, learn
to gracefully disengage. Try to get some nurturing for yourself.
Microsoft View: Always attempt to do everything. You are responsible for it
all. Perhaps you haven't thoroughly read your job description.
6. Learn To Say "No".
You'll help diminish intensity by speaking up for yourself. This means
refusing additional requests or demands on your time or emotions.
Microsoft View: Never say no to anything. It shows weakness, and lowers the
stock price. Never put off until tomorrow what you can do at midnight.
7. Begin To Back Off And Detach.
Learn to delegate, not only at work, but also at home and with friends. In
this case, detachment means rescuing yourself for yourself.
Microsoft View: Delegating is a sign of weakness. Let someone else do it
(See # 5).
8. Reassess Your Values.
Try to sort out the meaningful values from the temporary and fleeting, the
essential from the nonessential. You'll conserve energy and time, and begin
to feel more centered.
Microsoft View: Stop thinking about your own problems. This is selfish. If
your values change, we will make an announcement at the company meeting.
Until then, if someone calls you and questions your priorities, tell them
that you are unable to comment on this and give them the number for Microsoft
Marketing. It will be taken care of.
9. Learn To Pace Yourself.
Try to take life in moderation. You only have so much energy available.
Ascertain what is wanted and needed in your life, then begin to balance work
with love, pleasure, and relaxation.
Microsoft View: A balanced life is a myth perpetuated by the Borland
Marketing Team. Don't be a fool: the only thing that matters is work and
productivity.
10. Take Care Of Your Body.
Don't skip meals, abuse yourself with rigid diets, disregard your need for
sleep, or break the doctor appointments. Take care of yourself nutritionally.
Microsoft View: Your body serves your mind, your mind serves the company.
Push the mind and the body will follow. Drink Mountain Dew. (it's free.)
11. Diminish Worry And Anxiety.
Try to keep superstitious worrying to a minimum; it changes nothing. You'll
have a better grip on your situation if you spend less time worrying and more
time taking care of your real needs.
Microsoft View: If you're not worrying about work, you must not be very
committed to it. We'll find someone who is.
12. Keep Your Sense Of Humor.
Begin to bring joy and happy moments into your life. Very few people suffer
burnout when they're having fun.
Microsoft View: So, you think your work is funny? We'll discuss this with
your manager on Friday. At 7:00 pm.
-= stress humor =-= 11 =------------------------------------------------------
When angry, count to 10 before you speak. If VERY angry, count to 100, and then
go out and take a walk.
-= stress humor =-= 12 =------------------------------------------------------
As part of a seminar I recently attended on stress in the workplace, I was given
a packet which included a family stress test. Our family found that all of the
questions fell into what we considered the "wuss" category, and generated our
own family stress test:
Score 0 if the statement is never true, 1 if it is rarely true, 2 if it is
sometimes true, and 3 if it is always true.
1. _ Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".
2. _ The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
3. _ The cat is on Valium.
4. _ People have trouble understanding your kids because they learned to speak
through clenched teeth.
5. _ You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf.
6. _ The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people
in the family.
7. _ No one has _time_ to wait for microwave TV dinners.
8. _ "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
9. _ You have to check your kid's Day-Timer to see if he can take out the trash.
10. _ Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.
Scoring:
30 - a perfect score. Welcome to the neighborhood!
20-29 - You are doing reasonably well, but still have too little going on in
your life. Crank it up.
10-19 - You have mastered some of the aspects of the stress-filled life, but
still have a long way to go. Have you considered a parallel career path?
0-9 - Enjoying all that extra time? What do you _do_ anyway?
-= stress humor =-= 13 =------------------------------------------------------
This came from a bookmark distributed by De Anza College.
How To Stay Stressed
Although the De Anza Health Office long been an advocate of stress management,
stress, tension, and burnout are still common complaints of students, faculty,
and staff alike. On account of this, we have come to the following conclusion:
You all want to stay stressed! The following provides you with a few reasons
why.
Stress Helps You Seem Important
Anyone as stressed as you must be working very hard and, therefore, is probably
doing something very crucial.
It Helps You To Maintain Personal Distance And Avoid Intimacy
Anyone as busy as you are certainly can't be expected to form emotional
attachments to anyone. And let's face it, you're not much fun to be around
anyway.
It Helps You Avoid Responsibilities
Obviously you're too stressed to be given any more work. This gets you off the
hook for all the mundane chores; let someone else take care of them.
It Gives You A Chemical Rush
Stress might be considered a cheap thrill, and you can give yourself a "hit"
anytime you choose. But be careful, you might get addicted to your own
adrenaline.
It Helps You Avoid Success
Why risk being "successful" when by simply staying stressed you can avoid all of
that? Stress can keep your performance level low enough that success won't ever
be a threat.
Stress Also Lets You Keep Your Authoritarian Management Style
The authoritarian style of "Just do what I say!" is generally permissible under
crisis conditions. If you maintain a permanently stressed crisis atmosphere,
you can justify an authoritarian style all the time.
Are you worried now about how to stay stressed? You'll have no trouble if you
practice the following clinically proven methods:
Never Exercise
Exercise wastes a lot of time that could be spent worrying.
Eat Anything You Want
Hey, if cigarette smoke can't cleanse your system, a balanced diet isn't likely
to.
Gain Weight
Work hard at staying at least 25 pounds over your recommended weight.
Take Plenty Of Stimulants
The old standards of caffeine, nicotine, sugar, and cola will continue to do the
job just fine.
Avoid "woo-woo" Practices
Ignore the evidence suggesting that meditation, yoga, deep breathing, and/or
mental imaging help to reduce stress. The Protestant work ethic is good for
everyone, Protestant or not.
Get Rid Of Your Social Support System
Let the few friends who are willing to tolerate you know that concern yourself
with friendships only if you have time, and you never have time. If a few
people persist in trying to be your friend, avoid them.
Personalize All Criticism
Anyone who criticizes any aspect of your work, family, dog, house, or car is
mounting a personal attack. Don't take time to listen, be offended, then return
the attack!
Throw Out Your Sense Of Humor
Staying stressed is no laughing matter, and it shouldn't be treated as one.
Males And Females Alike - Be Macho
Never ever ask for help, and if you want it done right, do it yourself!
Become A Workaholic
Put work before everything else, and be sure to take work home evenings and
weekends. Keep reminding yourself that vacations are for sissies.
Discard Good Time Management Skills
Schedule in more activities every day than you can possibly get done and then
worry about it all whenever you get a chance.
Procrastinate
Putting things off to the last second always produces a marvelous amount of
stress.
Worry About Things You Can't Control
Worry about the stock market, earthquakes, the approaching Ice Age, you know,
all the big issues.
Become not only a perfectionist but set impossibly high standards...and either
beat yourself up, or feel guilty, depressed, discouraged, and/or inadequate when
you don't meet them.
-= stress humor =-= 14 =------------------------------------------------------
I Worry All The Time
I worry about worrying too much. I worry when I'm not worried that there's
something I should be worried about. I worry when I'm worried whether I should
worry about what I am currently worried about or whether I should worry about
something else that worries me, even if I'm not worried about it, but should be
worried about it or at least worry about the fact that I'm worrying about not
possibly having to worry at all, about worrying. [sigh]
-= stress humor =-= 15 =------------------------------------------------------
Worry is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it gets you
nowhere.
-= stress humor =-= 16 =------------------------------------------------------
A February report from Finland's Health Ministry, concerned about declining
population and a high incidence of stress among workers recommended that people
should take "sex holidays" from work. The proposal was immediately endorsed by
a Lutheran church official in Finland.
-= stress humor =-= 17 =------------------------------------------------------
The Non-Stress Diet
From the Tubac Market Matters (Tubac, Arizona)
This diet is designed to help you cope with stress which normally builds up
during the day.
Breakfast
1/2 Grapefruit
1 Slice Whole Wheat Toast, Dry
8 oz. Skim Milk
Lunch
4 oz. Lean Broiled Chicken Breast
1 cup Steamed Spinach
1 cup Herb Tea
1 Oreo Cookie
Mid-Afternoon Snack
Rest of the Oreos in the package
2 Pints Rocky Road Ice Cream
1 Jar Hot Fudge Sauce
Nuts, Cherries, Whipped Cream
Dinner
2 Loaves Garlic Bread with Cheese
Large Sausage, Mushroom & Cheese Pizza
4 Cans or 1 Large Pitcher of Beer
3 Milky Way or Snickers Candy Bars
Rules For This Diet
1. If you eat something, and no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the
candy bar are canceled by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you don't eat
more than they do.
4. Foods used for medicinal purposes *never* count. Example: hot chocolate,
brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the
entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Example: Milk
Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, and Tootsie Rolls.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking the cookie causes
calorie leakage.
8. If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked off knives and
spoons have no calories. Examples: peanut butter on a knife and ice cream on
a spoon.
Food of the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are spinach
and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate. Note: Chocolate is a
universal color and may be substituted for any other.
-= stress humor =-= 18 =------------------------------------------------------
In November 1993, officials at the Tokyo Sea Life Park aquarium reported that
about 10 percent of its bluefin and yellowfin tuna have developed deformed faces
because of the stress of swimming in a small tank. Large bumps have appeared on
some fishes' faces; other fishes' eyes have become partially dislodged.
-= stress humor =-= 19 =------------------------------------------------------
Pleasure Beats Pain 2-to-1 In Stress Study
By Daniel Goleman
(C) 1994, The New York Times
The small boost to the immune system offered by a pleasant event can persist
as long as two days, while the negative effects of a stressful encounter mainly
take their toll on one day, according to new findings.
And while stresses like a conflict at work can make people more vulnerable to
infectious diseases, so can missing customary pleasures like getting together
with friends, the studies show. The findings add to the growing evidence for
the health consequences of day-to-day events.
"Positive events of the day seem to have a stronger helpful impact on immune
function that upsetting events do a negative one," said Dr. Arthur Stone, a
psychologist at the medical school of the State University of New York at Stony
Brook, who did much of the new research.
In a study of 100 men tracked daily for three months, Stone found that
stresses like being criticized at work weakened immune function on the day they
occurred.
But events like a pleasant family celebration or having friends over enhanced
the immune system for the next two days. The findings will be published in
Health Psychology later this year.
"Having a good time on Monday still had a positive effect on the immune
system by Wednesday," Stone said. "But the negative immune effect from
undesirable events on Monday lasts just for that day."
Because the study involved only ordinary pleasures and stresses, the results
may not apply when life becomes extremely stressful.
-= stress humor =-= 20 =------------------------------------------------------
Moscow - Doctors are blaming a rare electrical imbalance in the brain for
the bizarre death of a chess player whose head literally exploded in the middle
of a championship game.
No one else was hurt in the fatal explosion but four players and three
officials at the Moscow Candidate Masters' Chess Championships were sprayed with
blood and brain matter when Nikolai Titov's head suddenly blew apart. Experts
say he suffered from a condition called Hyper-Cerebral Electrosis or HCE.
"He was deep in concentration with his eyes focused on the board," says
Titov's opponent, Vladimir Dobrynin. "All of a sudden his hands flew to his
temples and he screamed in pain. Everyone looked up from their games, startled
by the noise. Then, as if someone had put a bomb in his cranium, his head
popped like a firecracker."
Incredibly, Titiov's is not the first case in which a person's head has
spontaneously exploded. Five people are known to have died of HCE in the last
25 years. The most recent death occurred just three years ago in 1991, when
European psychic Barbara Nicole's skull burst. Miss Nicole's story was
reported by newspapers worldwide, including WWN.
"HCE is an extremely rare physical imbalance," said Dr. Anatoly Martinenko,
famed neurologist and expert on the human brain who did the autopsy on the
brilliant chess expert. "It is a condition in which the circuits of the brain
become overloaded by the body's own electricity. The explosions happen during
periods of intense mental activity when lots of current is surging through the
brain. Victims are highly intelligent people with great powers of concentration.
Both Miss Nicole and Mr. Titov were intense people who tended to keep those
cerebral circuits overloaded. In a way, it could be said they were literally too
smart for their own good."
Although Dr. Martinenko says there are probably many undiagnosed cases, he
hastens to add that very few people will die from HCE. "Most people who have it
will never know. At this point, medical science still doesn't know much about
HCE. And since fatalities are so rare it will probably be years before research
money becomes available."
In the meantime, the doctor urges people to take it easy and not think too
hard for long periods of time. "Take frequent relaxation breaks when you're
doing things that take lots of mental focus," he recommends.
(As a public service, WWN added a sidebar titled "How To Tell If Your Head's
About To Blow Up:)
Although HCE is very rare, it can kill. Dr. Martinenko says knowing you have
the condition can greatly improve your odds of surviving it. A "yes" answer to
any three of the following seven questions could mean that you have HCE:
1. Does your head sometimes ache when you think too hard? (Head pain can
indicate overloaded brain circuits.)
2. Do you ever hear a faint ringing or humming sound in your ears? (It could
be the sound of electricity in the skull cavity.)
3. Do you sometimes find yourself unable to get a thought out of your head?
(This is a possible sign of too much electrical activity in the cerebral cort
ex.)
4. Do you spend more than five hours a day reading, balancing your
checkbook, or other thoughtful activity? (A common symptom of HCE is a tendency
to over-use the brain.)
5. When you get angry or frustrated do you feel pressure in your temples?
(Friends of people who died of HCE say the victims often complained of head
pressure in times of strong emotion.)
6. Do you ever overeat on ice cream, doughnuts, and other sweets? (A craving
for sugar is typical of people with too much electrical pressure in the
cranium.)
7. Do you tend to analyze yourself too much? (HCE sufferers are often
introspective, "over-thinking" their lives.)
-= stress humor =-= 21 =------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between frustration and panic?
Frustration is the first time you find you can't do something a second time.
Panic is the second time you find you can't do something the first time.
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