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Canonical List Of Music Humor (Gig Giggles)
Archive-Name: music [plain text version]
music.html [HTML Web version]
Last-Modified: 95/03/02
Version: 3.01
Total-Joke-Count: 321
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CONTENTS
ACCORDION
BAGPIPES
BANJO
BASS
BASSOON
CELLO
CLARINET
DRUMS
ENGLISH HORN
FLUTE
FRENCH HORN
GUITAR
HARMONICA
HARP
HARPSICHORD
OBOE
ORGAN
PIANO
PICCOLO
SAXOPHONE
TROMBONE
TRUMPET
TUBA
VIOLA
VIOLIN
VOCALS
ORCHESTRAS
MUSIC
MUSICIANS
PHONE SONGS
================================================================================
== ACCORDION ===================================================================
-= accordion =-= 1 =---------------------------------------------------------
An accordion is a bagpipe with pleats.
-= accordion =-= 2 =---------------------------------------------------------
What is the definition of an optimist?
An accordion player with a pager.
-= accordion =-= 3 =---------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?
The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.
================================================================================
== BAGPIPES ====================================================================
-= bagpipes =-= 1 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
To get away from the noise.
================================================================================
== BANJO =======================================================================
-= banjo =-= 1 =-------------------------------------------------------------
How many banjo players does it take to change a light bulb?
Only 1, but all the others gathered 'round will complain that that's not the way
Earl (Scruggs) would have done it.
-= banjo =-= 2 =-------------------------------------------------------------
How can you tell the stage you're playing on is level?
The banjo player is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.
-= banjo =-= 3 =-------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a banjo and an anchor?
You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it overboard.
-= banjo =-= 4 =-------------------------------------------------------------
Why do so many fishermen own banjos?
They make great anchors!
-= banjo =-= 5 =-------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the Boy Scout take up the banjo?
They make good paddles.
-= banjo =-= 6 =-------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
A chain saw has a dynamic range.
or
You can turn off a chainsaw.
-= banjo =-= 7 =-------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a banjo and a South American Macaw?
One is loud, obnoxious and noisy; the other is a bird.
-= banjo =-= 8 =-------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a banjo and a Harley-Davidson motorcycle?
You can tune a Harley.
-= banjo =-= 9 =-------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a banjo and an Uzi submachine gun?
An Uzi only repeats 40 times.
-= banjo =-= 10 =-------------------------------------------------------------
Why does everyone hate a banjo right off?
Saves time.
-= banjo =-= 11 =-------------------------------------------------------------
Then again, there's always the blue-grass player's motto:
If you pick it, it won't heal.
And the bluegrass corollary:
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't wipe your
friend on your saddle.
-= banjo =-= 12 =-------------------------------------------------------------
If you practice, tune, make a sound check, and sit down to play, it's folk
music. Otherwise, it's bluegrass.
-= banjo =-= 13 =-------------------------------------------------------------
Why is the banjo player a fiddle player's best friend?
Without him, the fiddle would be the most hated instrument on earth.
-= banjo =-= 14 =-------------------------------------------------------------
The banjo is such a happy instrument. You can't play a sad song on the banjo;
it always comes out so cheerful.
-= banjo =-= 15 =-------------------------------------------------------------
How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs?
By their names.
-= banjo =-= 16 =-------------------------------------------------------------
What is the most seldom heard comment made of banjo players?
"Say, isn't that the banjo player's Porsche?"
-= banjo =-= 17 =-------------------------------------------------------------
What do you say to the banjo player in the three piece suit?
Will the defendant please rise.
-= banjo =-= 18 =-------------------------------------------------------------
A banjo rap song:
"Them Banjo Pickers," by Mason Williams
How 'bout them banjo pickers, ain't they fine?
Same damn song for three or four times.
Them banjo pickers, all they know
Is Cumberland Gap and do-si-do
Them banjo pickers talking 'bout strings
Banjo pegs and other such things
Them banjo pickers, them poker-faced mugs
They never do smile, they just play Scruggs
You want to be a banjo picker you don't need a ticket
Just get yourself a banjo, rare back and pick it!
-= banjo =-= 19 =-------------------------------------------------------------
Ten Easy Steps To Better Banjo Playing
The Doc Stock Banjo Method
(Or: Any Jerk Can Play the Banjo, So Why Not You Too?)
by Jim Rosenstock
Lesson 1: beat it!
The most common mistake of the beginning banjo player is to play too gently.
True, musical instruments require great care and special handling, but banjos
should not be confused with these.
There are three basic licks that are used in playing the banjo: the hit
(abbreviated "h" in tablature), the harder hit ("H") and the beat ("B"). Learn
these licks, and soon you'll be able to play anything!
Remember - Hit 'em again, HARDER, HARDER!
Lesson 2: Stage Presence
A dignified stage presence will do more than anything else to create the
impression that you are a serious, professional musician. This is to be avoided
at all costs - you have a reputation to maintain, after all! While playing on
stage, you should: (1) slouch, (2) drool, (3) pick nose, (4) bump fiddler, (5)
cross eyes, (6) pour beer on self, and/or (7) stare off into space. The more you
can do at once, the better.
Lesson 3: Tuning your banjo
Musicians make a very big deal about "getting in tune." Fortunately, you're a
banjo player, and therefore need not be so hung up. There are three basic ways
to tune a banjo:
1) With a tuning fork: Tap the fork on a hard surface. Listen to the clear
bell-like tone. Make sure none of your strings duplicate this tone.
2) With an electric tuner: Tap the tuner on a hard surface. Continue as with
method (1).
3) With a fiddle: Tap the fiddle on a hard surface. Continue as above.
Lesson 4: Tunes and Tablature
It's a well-kept secret that there are really only four tunes in old-time music:
the G tune, the A tune, the D tune and the C tune. It's an even better-kept
secret that these four tunes sound exactly the same.
Tablature is a simplified form of musical notation used by musicians to preserve
music on paper. AVOID ALL TABLATURE - you will get nowhere as a banjo player by
imitating musicians.
Lesson 5: Drugs, FastFret (TM), pizza, strawberry pie and banjo playing
Just say, "Why not?"
Lesson 6: Playing with musicians
Playing with musicians is always scary for the beginning banjo player. You
should not be intimidated, though, because musicians like to have a banjo player
of two around. Even the most mediocre group of musicians will sound great by
contrast when a banjo player is added. So get in there and start jamming.
Lesson 7: Banjo paraphernalia
A capo allows the banjo player, once out of tune in one key, to quickly be out
of tune in any other key.
A case protects your banjo from abuse, except when it is being played. This is
really unimportant, but where else can you put all your cool bumper stickers?
A dog will follow a banjo player around and keep everyone uncertain as to which
is responsible for the odor.
Beer is the experienced banjo player's favorite liquid to spill on the dance
floor, dancers, and/or musicians. Sometimes it is filtered through the kidneys
first.
Lesson 8: Name that tune
As mentioned previously, there are only four tunes, and they all sound the same.
It is definitely uncool, however, to let on in public that you know this, so
here's a list of titles for The Tune: Turkey in the Straw, Bug in the Taters,
Paddy on the Turnpike, Fire on the Mountain, Billy in the Lowground, Drugs in
the Urine Sample, Christ on a Crutch, Monkey in the Dog Cart, Logs in the
Bedpan, Ducks in the Millpond, Pigeon on a Gate Post, Water on the Knee.
Lesson 9: Three myths dispelled
Myth No. 1: It takes hard work and talent to play the banjo.
Fact: The only talent most banjo players have is a talent for avoiding hard
work.
Myth No. 2: You can make good money playing the banjo.
Fact: People will frequently pay you much better money to stop.
Myth No. 3: Your banjo will make you friends wherever you go.
Fact: This is only true if you never go anywhere.
Lesson 10: The Universal Banjo Tune
----H----B---h---B----------H-------B---B-H--------
--h---H--B---------B--------H---H---B-H-B---H------
---------B-----h-----B------H-B---------B-----H----
-----------h-----------h----------h----------------
------------------------------------------------B--
h=hit it! H=hit it harder! B=beat it!
This article is from the February 1990 issue of The Daily Clog, Julie Mangin,
Editor.
================================================================================
== BASS ========================================================================
-= bass =-= 1 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist?
He turned a peg and wouldn't tell the bass player which one.
-= bass =-= 2 =--------------------------------------------------------------
How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one - but the guitarist has to show him first.
or
Six. One to change it, five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging
the light.
-= bass =-= 3 =--------------------------------------------------------------
This guy goes on vacation to a tropical island. As soon as he gets off the
plane, he hears drums. He thinks "Wow, this is cool." He goes to the beach, he
hears the drums, he eats lunch, he hears drums, he goes to a luau, he hears
drums. He TRIES to go to sleep, he hears drums.
This goes on for several nights, and gets to the point where the guy can't
sleep at night because of the drums. Finally, he goes down to the front desk.
When he gets there, he asks the manager, "Hey! What's with these drums. Don't
they ever stop? I can't get any sleep."
The manager says, "No! Drums must NEVER stop. Very bad if drums stop."
"Why?"
"When drums stop...bass solo begins."
-= bass =-= 4 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the drummer who locked his keys in his car?
It took him four hours to get the bass player out.
-= bass =-= 5 =--------------------------------------------------------------
How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
None, the piano player can do that with his left hand.
================================================================================
== BASSOON =====================================================================
-= bassoon =-= 1 =-----------------------------------------------------------
What is another name for a bassoon?
A farting bedpost.
-= bassoon =-= 2 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get away from the bassoon recital.
================================================================================
== CELLO =======================================================================
-= cello =-= 1 =-------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a cello and a coffin?
The coffin has the corpse on the inside.
-= cello =-= 2 =-------------------------------------------------------------
Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
So you don't have to retrain the cellists.
-= cello =-= 3 =-------------------------------------------------------------
How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo?
Write 'pp, espressivo'.
-= cello =-= 4 =-------------------------------------------------------------
Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to
thousands and all you can do is scratch it. - Sir Thomas Beecham to a female
cellist
-= cello =-= 5 =-------------------------------------------------------------
A young woman is taking cello lessons. She's not all that good and during a
particularly lamentable practice session, her teacher can't stand it any more
and says, "Lady, you've got between your legs an instrument that, if adequately
caressed, could give boundless pleasure to you and thousands of other people;
and the only thing you seem to be able to do is to scratch and scratch it!"
================================================================================
== CLARINET ====================================================================
-= clarinet =-= 1 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
So they can park in the handicap zones.
-= clarinet =-= 2 =----------------------------------------------------------
What's the definition of a nerd?
Somone who owns their own alto clarinet.
-= clarinet =-= 3 =----------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces.
-= clarinet =-= 4 =----------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a bass-clarinetist with half a brain?
Gifted.
================================================================================
== DRUMS =======================================================================
-= drums =-= 1 =-------------------------------------------------------------
How can you tell when there is a drummer at your front door?
The knocking gets faster.
-= drums =-= 2 =-------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know if there is a percussionist at the door?
The knocking gets slower.
-= drums =-= 3 =-------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a drum solo's really bad?
The bass player notices.
-= drums =-= 4 =-------------------------------------------------------------
Why do drummers have a half ounce more brains than horses?
So they don't disgrace themselves at the parade.
-= drums =-= 5 =-------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A drummer.
-= drums =-= 6 =-------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a drummer who has just broken up with his girlfriend?
Homeless.
-= drums =-= 7 =-------------------------------------------------------------
How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be
pushed in.
or
One, but only after asking "Why?" ("Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?")
or
Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after they
figure out that you have to turn the bulb).
or
Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.
or
None. They have a machine that does that now.
-= drums =-= 8 =-------------------------------------------------------------
Hey, buddy, how late does the band play?
Oh, about half a beat behind the drummer.
-= drums =-= 9 =-------------------------------------------------------------
There's a five pound note on the floor. Which of a thrash guitarist, a
drummer who keeps good time, and a drummer who keeps bad time picks it up?
The drummer who keeps bad time. The other drummer doesn't exist and the
thrash guitarist doesn't care about notes anyway.
-= drums =-= 10 =-------------------------------------------------------------
If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum.
-= drums =-= 11 =-------------------------------------------------------------
Guy walks into a shop. "You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30
amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose
tremolo?"
"You're a drummer, aren't you?"
"Duh, yeah. How'd you know?"
"This is a travel agent."
-= drums =-= 12 =-------------------------------------------------------------
Bob is throwing a party. Bob decides that to break the ice at his party,
he'll ask everyone what their I.Q. is, and then strike up an appropriate
conversation from there. The day of Bob's party rolls around and when the first
guest knocks on the door, Bob asks the person what their I.Q. is.
"200,000" replies the first guest.
"Well, that's great," says Bob, let's talk about ethereal astro physics.
Bob and this first guest talk about the aforementioned subject for a while.
Later in the party, someone else is at the door. "Hi my name is Bob; welcome
to my party, what's your I.Q.?"
The new guest responds with "250".
"Great," says Bob. "Lets talk about advanced math. Bob and his new guest
talk about calculus and statistics for awhile.
Much later in the party, after many more guests had arrived and been spoken
to by Bob, yet another guest arrives at the door. "Hi, my name's Bob; welcome
to my party, what's your I.Q.?"
This time the guest replies after putting some thought into it "5".
"Well, that's great," says Bob, "what kind of drumsticks do you use?"
-= drums =-= 13 =-------------------------------------------------------------
What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
Drool.
================================================================================
== ENGLISH HORN ================================================================
-= english horn =-= 1 =------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between playing an English horn solo and wetting your
pants?
Both give you a warm feeling, but no one else cares.
================================================================================
== FLUTE =======================================================================
-= flute =-= 1 =-------------------------------------------------------------
What's the definition of a minor second?
Two flutes playing a unison
================================================================================
== FRENCH HORN =================================================================
-= french horn =-= 1 =-------------------------------------------------------
Why did the French horn player never get second dates?
Every time he went to kiss the girl on the first date, he stuck his hand up her
ass.
-= french horn =-= 2 =-------------------------------------------------------
A college woman dated a trumpeter and when she came back to the dorm, her
roommate ask, "Well, how was it? Did his embouchre make him a great kisser?"
The first woman replied, "Aw, that dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no
fun at all."
The next night, she dated a tuba player and when she came back, her roommate
asked her, "Well, how was his kissing?"
"Ugh!" she replied, "Those rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat! Oh,
it was just gross!"
The next night, she dated a French horn player and when she came back, her
roommate asked her, "Well, was his kissing any better?"
"His kissing was just so-so," she replied, "but I *loved* the way he held
me!"
(French horns are played with one hand up the bell, which rests in the player's
lap...)
-= french horn =-= 3 =-------------------------------------------------------
There once was a woman who had gone a long time without so much as the hope
of having a relationship. When she finally picked up a handsome looking guy and
went out with him, her friends were naturally curious as to how it went.
"What's he like?" said the woman's friend the day after the big event.
"Oh, he's fine, I guess. He's a musician, you know," said she.
"Did he have class?" said the friend.
The friend's ears perked up as the woman said, "Well, most of the time, yes,
but I don't think I'll be going out with him again."
"Oh? Why not?" asked the friend.
"Well, he plays the french horn, so I guess it's just habit, but every time
we kiss, he sticks his fist up my rear!"
-= french horn =-= 4 =-------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost?
A goalpost that can't march.
-= french horn =-= 5 =-------------------------------------------------------
How many French horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.
================================================================================
== GUITAR ======================================================================
-= guitar =-= 1 =------------------------------------------------------------
How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
Give him a sheet of music.
How do you make him stop playing?
Put notes on it!
-= guitar =-= 2 =------------------------------------------------------------
What's the definition of a minor second?
Two lead guitarists playing in unison.
What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
Counterpoint.
-= guitar =-= 3 =------------------------------------------------------------
How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say, "Not bad, but I could've
done better".
-= guitar =-= 4 =------------------------------------------------------------
What does a guitarist say when he gets to his gig?
Would you like fries with that?
-= guitar =-= 5 =------------------------------------------------------------
What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common?
When you plug them in, they suck.
-= guitar =-= 6 =------------------------------------------------------------
What did the guitar say to the guitarist?
Pick on someone your own size!
-= guitar =-= 7 =------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?
Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!
-= guitar =-= 8 =------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish.
================================================================================
== HARMONICA ===================================================================
-= harmonica =-= 1 =---------------------------------------------------------
Steve Wright: I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car
going really fast, and stick it out the window. I've been arrested three times
for practicing.
================================================================================
== HARP ========================================================================
-= harp =-= 1 =--------------------------------------------------------------
A harp is a nude piano.
-= harp =-= 2 =--------------------------------------------------------------
A Celtic harpist spends half her time tuning her harp, and the other half
playing it out of tune.
-= harp =-= 3 =--------------------------------------------------------------
What is the definition of a quarter tone?
A harpist tuning unison strings.
-= harp =-= 4 =--------------------------------------------------------------
One evening, after a symphony rehearsal, some of the players went out to Sam's
Discotheque to unwind. After several relaxing drinks, everyone all went their
separate ways home. The next night, the harpist showed up at the concert hall
and realized that he didn't have his instrument. "Oh no," he cried, then sang,
"I left my harp in Sam's damn disco..."
-= harp =-= 5 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Why are harps like elderly parents?
Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.
================================================================================
== HARPSICHORD =================================================================
-= harpsichord =-= 1 =-------------------------------------------------------
The late Sir Thomas Beecham used to say the sound of the harpsichord is like
"two skeletons making love on a tin roof"...thus demonstrating (as he did so
often) his consummate skill at substituting wit for understanding.
================================================================================
== OBOE ========================================================================
-= oboe =-= 1 =--------------------------------------------------------------
How do you get 5 oboes in tune?
Shoot 4 of them.
-= oboe =-= 2 =--------------------------------------------------------------
What are burning oboes used for?
To set bassoons on fire.
-= oboe =-= 3 =--------------------------------------------------------------
Why does an oboist always have to fight for correct intonation?
Because most oboes are full of holes.
-= oboe =-= 4 =--------------------------------------------------------------
How do you make an oboist play a sustained A-flat?
Steal his batteries.
================================================================================
== ORGAN =======================================================================
-= organ =-= 1 =-------------------------------------------------------------
Why did J. S. Bach have 20 children?
His organ didn't have any stops.
Bach's organ works; so does mine.
-= organ =-= 2 =-------------------------------------------------------------
An organist was out on the town and came across a new club. He entered, and the
manager greeted him and told him about the "progressive format." "You see, we
have several different rooms here. On the door of each you will see a number.
That number is the average IQ of the people inside." The organist thinks this
is a wonderful idea, and soon finds Room 150. Inside is a brass quintet
discussing brass quintet things, favorite composers, favorite instruments, and
the like. The organist had just finished a concert with a brass quintet and was
in no mood for more. He walked down the hall and found Room 100. Inside was a
symphony orchestra holding a convention on who the greatest conductor of all
time is. Since organists don't usually need conductors, he left. Next was Room
60. Inside was Philip Glass and John Cage. The organist did not stay very long
at all (though Glass and Cage were inspired by the slamming door). At the very
end of the hall was a battered old door with beer bottles, needles, and other
detritus. But the organist was bored and decides that it's worth a shot.
Inside are two punk-looking guys sitting on two stools in an otherwise empty
room. One punk says to the other: "So, what kind of sticks do you use?"
-= organ =-= 3 =-------------------------------------------------------------
Why are organists like a broken-winded cab horse?
They are always longing for another stop.
-= organ =-= 4 =-------------------------------------------------------------
What is better than a rose on your piano?
Tulips on your organ
What is worse than a dead dog on your piano?
A diseased pussy on your organ.
What is worse than a piano out of tune?
An organ that goes flat in the middle of the night.
================================================================================
== PIANO =======================================================================
-= piano =-= 1 =-------------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
-= piano =-= 2 =-------------------------------------------------------------
What do you get if you run over an army officer with a steam roller?
A flat major.
-= piano =-= 3 =-------------------------------------------------------------
What do you say to an army officer as you're about to run him (or her) over with
a steam roller?
Be flat, major.
-= piano =-= 4 =-------------------------------------------------------------
What do you say after you run an army officer over with a steam roller?
See flat major.
-= piano =-= 5 =-------------------------------------------------------------
What key is "Exploring The Cave With No Flashlight" written in?
C sharp or B flat..
-= piano =-= 6 =-------------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when an army officer puts his nose to the grindstone?
A sharp major.
-= piano =-= 7 =-------------------------------------------------------------
What do you get if you enroll in a liberal arts program and the only subject you
do well in is music?
A natural major.
-= piano =-= 8 =-------------------------------------------------------------
What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?
Root position cords.
-= piano =-= 9 =-------------------------------------------------------------
A note left for a pianist from his wife:
Gone Chopin, (have Liszt), Bach in a Minuet.
-= piano =-= 10 =-------------------------------------------------------------
Someone requested Victor Borge that he play something by Bach, to which Victor
replied, "Which one, Johann Sebastian or Offen?"
-= piano =-= 11 =-------------------------------------------------------------
From a rec.music.classical posting:
More recently, John Cage has written pieces for "prepared piano", which may
involve attaching nuts, bolts, and other hardware to the strings, and other
indignities. I heard a story (possibly apocryphal) that a horrified janitor
once "cleaned up" one of his prepared pianos just before a concert. Cage came
out, played one chord, screamed, and left the stage. Of course, this was
indistinguishable from an actual Cage performance, so everyone clapped, and the
reviewers wrote gushy praise about the groundbreaking new work.
-= piano =-= 12 =-------------------------------------------------------------
A Humid Recital Stirs Bangkok
This review by Kenneth Langbell appeared in the English Language Bangkok Post.
It was made available by Martin Bernheimer of the Los Angeles Times.
(Reprinted from the Washington Post)
The recital, last evening in the chamber music room of the Erawan Hotel by
U.S. Pianist Myron Kropp, the first appearance of Mr. Kropp in Bangkok, can only
be described by this reviewer and those who witnessed Mr. Kropp's performance as
one of the most interesting experiences in a very long time.
A hush fell over the room as Mr. Kropp appeared from the right of the stage,
attired in black formal evening-wear with a small white poppy in his lapel.
With sparse, sandy hair, a sallow complexion and a deceptively frail looking
frame, the man who has repopularized Johann Sebastian Bach approached the
Baldwin Concert Grand, bowed to the audience and placed himself upon the stool.
It might be appropriate to insert at this juncture that many pianists,
including Mr. Kropp, prefer a bench, maintaining that on a screw-type stool,
they sometimes find themselves turning sideways during a particularly expressive
strain. There was a slight delay, in fact, as Mr Kropp left the stage briefly,
apparently in search of a bench, but returned when informed that there was none.
As I have mentioned on several other occasions, the Baldwin Concert Grand,
while basically a fine instrument, needs constant attention, particularly in a
climate such as Bangkok. This is even more true when the instrument is as old
as the one provided in the chamber music room of the Erawan Hotel. In this
humidity, the felts which separate the white keys from the black tend to swell,
causing an occasional key to stick, which apparently was the case last evening
with the D in the second octave.
During the "raging storm" section of the D-Minor Toccata and Fugue, Mr. Kropp
must be complimented for putting up with the awkward D. However, by the time
the "storm" was past and he had gotten into the Prelude and Fugue in D Major, in
which the second octave D plays a major role, Mr. Kropp's patience was wearing
thin.
Some who attended the performance later questioned whether the awkward key
justified some of the language which was heard coming from the stage during
softer passages of the fugue. However, one member of the audience, who had sent
his children out of the room by the midway point of the fugue, had a valid point
when he commented over the music and extemporaneous remarks of Mr. Kropp that
the workman who had greased the stool might have done better to use some of the
grease on the second octave D. Indeed, Mr. Kropp's stool had more than enough
grease and during one passage in which the music and lyrics were both
particularly violent, Mr. Kropp was turned completely around. Whereas before
his remarks had been aimed largely at the piano and were therefore somewhat
muted, to his surprise and that of those in the chamber music room he found
himself addressing himself directly to the audience.
But such things do happen, and the person who began to laugh deserves to be
severely reprimanded for this undignified behavior. Unfortunately, laughter is
contagious, and by the time it had subsided and the audience had regained its
composure Mr. Kropp appeared somewhat shaken. Nevertheless, he swiveled himself
back into position facing the piano and, leaving the D Major Fugue unfinished,
commenced on the Fantasia and Fugue in G Minor.
Why the concert grand piano's G key in the third octave chose that particular
time to begin sticking I hesitate to guess. However, it is certainly safe to
say that Mr. Kropp himself did nothing to help matters when he began using his
feet to kick the lower portion of the piano instead of operating the pedals as
is generally done.
Possibly it was this jarring or the un-Bach-like hammering to which the
sticking keyboard was being subjected. Something caused the right front leg of
the piano to buckle slightly inward, leaving the entire instrument listing at
approximately a 35-degree angle from that which is normal. A gasp went up from
the audience, for if the piano had actually fallen several of Mr. Kropp's toes
if not both his feet, would surely have been broken.
It was with a sigh of relief therefore, that the audience saw Mr. Kropp
slowly rise from his stool and leave the stage. A few men in the back of the
room began clapping and when Mr. Kropp reappeared a moment later it seemed he
was responding to the ovation. Apparently, however, he had left to get a red-
handled fire ax which was hung back stage in case of fire, for that was what was
in his hand.
My first reaction at seeing Mr. Kropp begin to chop at the left leg of the
grand piano was that he was attempting to make it tilt at the same angle as the
right leg and thereby correct the list. However, when the weakened legs finally
collapsed altogether with a great crash and Mr. Kropp continued to chop, it
became obvious to all that he had no intention of going on with the concert.
The ushers, who had heard the snapping of piano wires and splintering of
sounding board from the dining room, came rushing in and, with the help of the
hotel manager, two Indian watchmen and a passing police corporal, finally
succeeded in disarming Mr. Kropp and dragging him off the stage.
-= piano =-= 13 =-------------------------------------------------------------
An eccentric lady was in need of a piano player for her upcoming party. She
placed ads and spread the word but could not find a suitable one. A bum knocked
on her door and when she saw the state of his condition, she answered, "Go
away."
He said, "Please, won't you just give me a chance, I'm a piano player."
She was desperate so she let him in. After his performance, she couldn't
believe her ears. "Wow! That sounded great, best I've heard in years. What
was the name of that song?"
The bum answered, "Oh, it's 'I Love Me Wife So Much I Took A Big Dump'."
"Oh" she says, "How unusual, would you play another?"
He proceeded to play another tune and again she was astounded by the
performance. "That was fantastic" she said, "What was the name of that tune?"
"That one is called 'I Took My Wife From Behind And Made A Mess All Over That
Carpet'."
"How unusual" she replied and said, "You've got the job, but please do me a
favor and if anyone asks the names of your songs, please don't tell them. And
do something about your clothes; you look terrible. Go and buy a tux for the
party."
The bum was happy about his new job and had never bought a tux before and
wound up getting one that was three sizes too small. At the big party, the crowd
was amazed at his performance once again. He bowed at the crowd back and forth
and ripped out the whole rear end of his trousers. One lady stepped forward
clapping and said, "Sir, you are a great piano player but do you know you have a
hairy ass and your balls are hanging out?"
With a smile, the bum replied, "Lady, know it? I wrote it!"
================================================================================
== PICCOLO =====================================================================
-= piccolo =-= 1 =-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you get 2 piccolos to play a perfect unison?
Shoot one.
================================================================================
== SAXOPHONE ===================================================================
-= saxophone =-= 1 =---------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw?
It's all in the grip.
-= saxophone =-= 2 =---------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax?
You can tune the lawnmower and the owner's neighbors don't mind if you don't
return the sax when you borrow it.
-= saxophone =-= 3 =---------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower?
Vibrato.
-= saxophone =-= 4 =---------------------------------------------------------
How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
5. One to handle the bulb, and 4 to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done
it.
-= saxophone =-= 5 =---------------------------------------------------------
If you were out in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune
tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?
The out-of-tune sax player! The other two indicate you've been hallucinating.
-= saxophone =-= 6 =---------------------------------------------------------
How do you make a chainsaw sound like a bari-sax?
Add vibrato.
-= saxophone =-= 7 =---------------------------------------------------------
What's the definition of a gentleman?
One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!
-= saxophone =-= 8 =---------------------------------------------------------
How many sax players does it take to change a light bulb?
Sixty. One to change the bulb and fifty-nine to talk about how much better
Michael Brecker would have done it.
-= saxophone =-= 9 =---------------------------------------------------------
Seems that the censors (they know who they are) banned the airing of an
instructional show on PBS that purported to introduce young people to the worlds
of Jazz and Classical music. Their reasoning? Too much Sax and Violins.
-= saxophone =-= 10 =---------------------------------------------------------
Button sported by high school band director:
A depiction of a saxophone and a cymbal, with the caption "Sax Cymbal."
-= saxophone =-= 11 =---------------------------------------------------------
The Golden Club, Las Vegas
The morning after a night on the town in Las Vegas, Bob told his friend about
the Golden Club that he had been drinking in. Everything in the club was lined
with gold. The glasses had a gold rim, the rail on the bar was plated with
gold, even the urinals were gold plated. Bob was ready to believe his buddy
until he mentioned the gold plated urinals so he called the Golden Club.
"Is it true that the glasses in your club have a gold rim?" Bob asked.
"Yes, it's true" replied the voice on the other end.
"And is the rail on the bar plated with gold?" asked Bob.
"Yes it is," was the reply from the other end.
"And, one more thing, is it true that the urinals are gold plated?" inquired
Bob.
Bob could hear the person on the other end yell to the band, "Hey Joe, I
think I found the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night."
-= saxophone =-= 12 =---------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a saxophone and a sorority girl?
You could eat a saxophone if you had to.
-= saxophone =-= 13 =---------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a saxophone and a husband?
A saxophone makes a sound when you blow it.
-= saxophone =-= 14 =---------------------------------------------------------
The soprano, not being smart enough to use birth control, says to her saxophone
playing lover, "Honey, I think you better pull out now." He replies, "Why, am I
sharp??"
================================================================================
== TROMBONE ====================================================================
-= trombone =-= 1 =---------------------------------------------------------
How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn?
Stick your hand in the bell and play lots of wrong notes.
-= trombone =-= 2 =---------------------------------------------------------
How do you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.
or
Take your hand out of the bell and miss all of the notes.
-= trombone =-= 3 =---------------------------------------------------------
What's the definition of a gentleman?
Somone who knows how to play the trombone and doesn't.
-= trombone =-= 4 =---------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a trombone and a trumpet?
A trombone will bend before it breaks.
-= trombone =-= 5 =---------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a trombone and a violin?
A trombone spends all of it's time going in and out, whereas a violin just rubs
itself all day.
-= trombone =-= 6 =---------------------------------------------------------
There is a frog driving east and a trombonist walking west. What can be
surmised from this?
The frog's probably on its way to a gig.
-= trombone =-= 7 =---------------------------------------------------------
Trombone: a slide whistle with delusions of granduer.
-= trombone =-= 8 =---------------------------------------------------------
Orchestral trombonists count so much rest and play so many repeated figures that
the sheep story also works.
-= trombone =-= 9 =---------------------------------------------------------
Slightly practical joke to play on a trombonist:
Assuming she's using water on her slide, empty her water bottle down the
mouthpiece. The result is really impressive if she doesn't notice the added
weight when she picks it up off the stand. Don't do this if she's using a
synthetic lubricant in her water (the stuff is expensive, and she'll be
righteously angry).
================================================================================
== TRUMPET =====================================================================
-= trumpet =-= 1 =-----------------------------------------------------------
How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
50. 1 to do it and the others to stand around and say, "I could do that better.
-= trumpet =-= 2 =-----------------------------------------------------------
What do lead trumpet players use for birth control?
Their personality.
-= trumpet =-= 3 =-----------------------------------------------------------
How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
5, one to change it and 4 to tell him how much better they could do it.
-= trumpet =-= 4 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A colleague of mine played in an "auditions only" orchestra in high school,
and one of the pieces that they played was the William Tell Overture. This is
well known as the music for the Lone Ranger, the bit with the brassy trumpet
fanfare was used for that TV show back in th 60s.
Well, the Overture actually does not begin with the trumpets. It begins with
a *beautiful* cello solo, which lasts for exactly 13 measures of 4 counts each.
The trumpets regularly missed their queue and came in either early or late,
slaughtering the piece. One day in rehearsal, the director decided to have the
trumpets count out loud, just to make sure they were actually counting.
So the cello plays... [insert cello music here]
And the trumpets count [One,2,3,4,Two,2,3,4. . .]
And the cello continues to play... [more cello music]
While the trumpets count [Eight,2,3,4,Nine,2,3,4. . .]
And the cello finishes [insert director waving arms madly at trumpets to
come in *now*]
While the idiot trumpets continue to count [Fourteen,2,3,4,Fifteen,2,3,4...]
-= trumpet =-= 5 =-----------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong?
King Kong's more sensitive.
================================================================================
== TUBA ========================================================================
-= tuba =-= 1 =--------------------------------------------------------------
What is the range of a tuba?
Twenty yards, if you've got a good arm.
-= tuba =-= 2 =--------------------------------------------------------------
What's a tuba for?
1 1/2 X 3 1/2.
================================================================================
== VIOLA =======================================================================
-= viola =-= 1 =-------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline.
-= viola =-= 2 =-------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between grapes and a viola?
You take off your shoes to stamp on grapes.
-= viola =-= 3 =-------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a dog and a viola?
The dog knows when to stop scratching.
-= viola =-= 4 =-------------------------------------------------------------
A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a
smoking crater where his house used to be. The chief of police comes over to
him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house, killed
your family, and burned the house down." The violist replied, "You're kidding!
The conductor came to my house?"
-= viola =-= 5 =-------------------------------------------------------------
How do you get a viola section to play spiccato?
Write a whole note with "solo" above it.
-= viola =-= 6 =-------------------------------------------------------------
At a concert hall one night the stage manager comes across an oboe player and a
viola player having a fight. He breaks the fight up and asks what the fight was
about. The oboe player says, "He broke my reed! I was just about to play my
big solo when he broke my reed!" "Well?" says the stage manager to the viola
player. "What do you say to that?" In umbrage, the viola player replies, "He
undid two of my strings but he won't tell me which ones!"
-= viola =-= 7 =-------------------------------------------------------------
How is lightning like a violist's fingers?
Neither one strikes in the same place twice.
-= viola =-= 8 =-------------------------------------------------------------
What is the similarity between a viola joke and premature ejaculation?
You know it's coming and there is not a damn thing that you can do to stop it.
-= viola =-= 9 =-------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a chainsaw and a viola?
If you absolutely had to, you could use a chainsaw in a string quartet.
-= viola =-= 10 =-------------------------------------------------------------
What is the best recording of the Walton viola concerto?
Music Minus One.
-= viola =-= 11 =-------------------------------------------------------------
What is a chord?
Three violists playing in unison.
-= viola =-= 12 =-------------------------------------------------------------
From "The Unafraid Dictionary":
What do you call a person who plays the viola?
A violator.
-= viola =-= 13 =-------------------------------------------------------------
Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the viola?
It saves time.
-= viola =-= 14 =-------------------------------------------------------------
What is the definition of perfect pitch?
When you get the viola into the toilet without hitting the sides.
-= viola =-= 15 =-------------------------------------------------------------
What is the definition of a cluster chord?
A viola section playing on the C string.
-= viola =-= 16 =-------------------------------------------------------------
What is the definition of a major seventh?
A violist playing octaves.
-= viola =-= 17 =-------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call the folks who hang around the musicians at conservatories?
Violists.
-= viola =-= 18 =-------------------------------------------------------------
Conductor: Again from measure 5, if you please.
Voice from viola section: But Maestro, we have no measure numbers.
-= viola =-= 19 =-------------------------------------------------------------
Why are violas so large?
It is an optical illusion. It's not that the violas are large, just that the
viola player's heads are so small.
-= viola =-= 20 =-------------------------------------------------------------
A violist retires. He cleans up his locker at the concert house before leaving
and carries all his stuff home. He stumbles through the door and calls for his
wife to come help him with all his luggage. The wife comes down and sees the
viola case. She steps back in fear and asks, "What's THAT??"
-= viola =-= 21 =-------------------------------------------------------------
Why did the violist stare at his locker door for two hours before the concert?
On the door there was a note saying "viola - left hand bow - right hand".
-= viola =-= 22 =-------------------------------------------------------------
Why do violists get antsy when they see the Kama Sutra?
All those positions!
-= viola =-= 23 =-------------------------------------------------------------
What do conductors do to a violist who lost his/her arms?
Move him/her back one stand.
-= viola =-= 24 =-------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?
Half a measure.
or
A semi-tone.
-= viola =-= 25 =-------------------------------------------------------------
The conductor of the local opera company was having arm problems and could
not make it for the first performance of the weekend. The pit musicians and
percussionists were looking at one another wondering what they were going to do.
The first violist got up and said, "I've done this show hundreds of times, so
I think I can conduct it tonight."
Nobody else volunteered, so he went to the podium, took up the baton, and the
performance went on without a hitch.
The next night, the conductor made it there and the first violist went back
to the section.
When he sat down, the second violist leaned over and said, "And where were
*you* last night?!"
-= viola =-= 26 =-------------------------------------------------------------
Why are orchestra intermissions only twenty minutes long?
So the violists don't need to be retrained.
-= viola =-= 27 =-------------------------------------------------------------
When a 16-inch viola and a 17-inch viola are dropped simultaneously from a
30-story building, which one hits the pavement first?
It doesn't matter.
-= viola =-= 28 =-------------------------------------------------------------
When do most quartet violists leave first position?
Never.
or
Whenever string-crossings produce unwanted timbre changes.
or
Only when the composer specifically indicates it (e.g., the finale of
Beethoven's op. 59, no. 3)
or
When all but one string have broken.
-= viola =-= 29 =-------------------------------------------------------------
Which positions does a violist use?
First, third, and emergency.
-= viola =-= 30 =-------------------------------------------------------------
How many violists does it take to change a light bulb?
I don't know, they can't reach that high.
-= viola =-= 31 =-------------------------------------------------------------
A violist and a cellist were standing on a sinking ship. "Help!" cried the
cellist, "I can't swim!" "Don't worry," said the violist, "just fake it."
-= viola =-= 32 =-------------------------------------------------------------
What is the most popular recording of the William Walton viola concerto?
Music Minus One.
-= viola =-= 33 =-------------------------------------------------------------
Why can't you hear a viola on a digital recording?
Recording technology has reached such an advanced level of development that all
extraneous noise is eliminated.
-= viola =-= 34 =-------------------------------------------------------------
A violist applied for a position in a symphony orchestra. The judges asked
what he would play for his audition piece.
"The Mendelssohn Violin Concerto," he said.
A judge said, "We'd rather hear you play something on the viola. This is an
audition for a viola position you know."
"Oh, I play it on the viola."
"Transposed down a fifth I suppose?"
"No, I play it as written."
The judges conferred, and decided that this was something they HAD to hear.
If he could pull off the high notes, he must be pretty good.
"Okay, begin."
The violist put the instrument under his chin and began to play: (16th notes)
GEBEGEGE GEBEGEGE GEBEGEGE GEBEGEGE AECEAEAE GEBEGEGE
-= viola =-= 35 =-------------------------------------------------------------
An American orchestra had just arrived in Europe for a two-week tour. One
hour before the first concert, the conductor became very ill and was unable to
conduct, and the orchestra suddenly had to find a substitute. The orchestra
manager asked everyone in the orchestra whether they could step in and conduct
and the only person who was willing was the last chair violist.
The manager was very nervous about this. "We can't audition you," he said.
"No problem," replied the violist.
"There's no time to rehearse. You'll have to do the concert cold."
"I know. It'll be all right."
The violist conducted the concert and it was a smashing success. Since the
conductor remained ill for the duration of the tour, the violist conducted all
of the concerts, getting rave reviews and standing ovations at each one.
At the next rehearsal, the conductor had recovered and the violist took his
place at the back of the viola section. As he sat down, his stand partner asked
him, "Where've you been for the last two weeks?"
-= viola =-= 36 =-------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a violist playing in the Winnipeg Symphony. He wasn't that
wonderful a player, so he sat at the back of the section. One day, he was
cleaning out his attic and discovered an old lamp. He gave it a rub and out
popped a genie.
"For letting me out of my lamp, I'll grant you three wishes!" he said.
The violist thought for a moment and replied, "Make me a far better musician
than I am now."
The genie told him that this would be done. He was to go to sleep and in the
morning, he would be a much better musician. The next day, he woke up to find
himself the principal violist of the symphony. Well, this was just great, he
thought! But he knew he could do better. He rubbed the lamp again and out
popped the genie.
"You have two more wishes!" he said.
"I want you to make me a better musician than I am even now!"
Once again, the genie told him to go to bed and when he woke up, it would be
so. When the violist awoke, he found he was now the principal violist of the
Berlin Philharmonic. Well, the violist thought this was pretty grand, but knew
he could do better yet. He rubbed on the lamp again and once more out came the
genie.
"This is your last wish." the genie said.
"I want you to make me yet a better musician still!"
Yet again, he was told to go to sleep. The next morning, he woke up to find
himself back in Winnipeg, sitting in the last desk of the second violin section.
-= viola =-= 37 =-------------------------------------------------------------
And here's a sort of odd quiz for prospective violists:
You too can be a viola player with the BBC Sympathy Orchestra
Look what we have found. While sifting through the BBC's dustbins the other day
we came across this. The pass mark is 10%, but be careful. Over 45%, and you
are overqualified. The marks for each question are shown on the right.
Entry Exam For The BBC Sympathy Orchestra - Viola Players
1. Who wrote the following:
a) Beethoven's Symphony No. 6
b) Fauré Requiem
c) Wagner's Ring Cycle
[15 pts.]
2. Tschaikovsky wrote 6 symphonies including Symphony No. 4. Name the other
five.
[5 pts.]
3. Explain 'counterpoint' or write your name on the reverse of the paper.
[10 pts.]
4. Which of the following would you tuck under you chin?
a) a timpani
b) an organ
c) a 'cello
d) a viola
[1 pt.]
5. Can you explain 'sonata form'? (Answer yes or no.)
[5 pts.]
6. Which of the following literary works was made the subject of a Verdi
opera?
a) First among Equals - Jeffrey Archer
b) Macbeth - William Shakespeare
c) Noddy and Big Ears - Enid Blyton
[5 pts.]
7. Domenico Scarlatti wrote 555 harpsichord sonatas for which instrument?
[5 pts.]
8. Arrange the following movements in order of speed, starting with the slowest
first.
a) Quickly
b) Slowly
c) Very Quickly
d) At a Moderate Pace
[4 pts.]
9. Where would you normally expect to find the conductor during a performance?
[5 pts.]
10. Which of the following wrote incidental music to A Midsummer Night's Dream?
a) Des O'Connor
b) Mickey Mouse
c) Felix Mendelssohn Bartholdy
d) Terry Wogan
[5 pts.]
11. Which of the following is the odd one out?
a) Sir Colin Davis
b) Andrew Davis
c) Sir Peter Maxwell Davies
d) Desmond Lynham
[5 pts.]
12. Arrange the following words into the name of a well known Puccini opera.
Bohème, La
[5 pts.]
13. Within five minutes, how long is Chopin's Minute Waltz?
[5 pts.]
14. From which of the following countries did Richard Strauss come?
a) Venezuela
b) Sri Lanka
c) Germany
d) Japan
[5 pts.]
15. For what town were Haydn's ``Paris'' Symphonies written?
[5 pts.]
16. Which is the odd one out?
a) Fantasy Overture Romeo and Juliet - Tchaikovsky
b) Romeo and Juliet - Berlioz
c) Romeo and Juliet Ballet - Prokofiev
d) Ten Green Bottles - anon.
[5 pts.]
17. From which song do the following lines come?
'God save our gracious Queen, Long live our noble Queen.'
[5 pts.]
18. Spell the following musical terms.
allegro
rallentando
crotchet
pizzicato
intermezzo
[5 pts.]
19. Tosca is a character found in which Puccini opera?
[5 pts.]
20. Arrange the following letters to form the abbreviation for a well known
British broadcasting corporation.
C, B, B.
[5 pts.]
================================================================================
== VIOLIN ======================================================================
-= violin =-= 1 =------------------------------------------------------------
How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
The bow is moving.
-= violin =-= 2 =------------------------------------------------------------
How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
Sit in the back and don't play.
or
Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes.
-= violin =-= 3 =------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a violin and a viola?
A viola burns longer.
or
The viola holds more beer.
-= violin =-= 4 =------------------------------------------------------------
Why does a viola burn longer than a violin?
It is usually still in the case.
-= violin =-= 5 =------------------------------------------------------------
What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
Everyone is happy when the case is closed.
-= violin =-= 6 =------------------------------------------------------------
Which is smaller, a violin or a viola?
They are actually the same size, but a violinist's head is so much bigger.
-= violin =-= 7 =------------------------------------------------------------
How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
-= violin =-= 8 =------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathizers.
-= violin =-= 9 =------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a violist like a terrorist?
They both screw up bowings.
-= violin =-= 10 =------------------------------------------------------------
Why don't violists play hide and seek?
Because no one will look for them.
-= violin =-= 11 =------------------------------------------------------------
Why shouldn't violists take up mountaineering?
Because if they get lost, it takes ages before anyone notices that they're
missing.
-= violin =-= 12 =------------------------------------------------------------
This guy says to his wife, "Oh, baby. I can play you just like a violin."
His wife says, "But I'd rather have you play me like a harmonica!"
-= violin =-= 13 =------------------------------------------------------------
The composition of a string quartet:
1 good violinist
1 bad violinist
1 really bad violinist who became a violist
1 cellist who hates all violinists.
all getting together to complain about composers.
-= violin =-= 14 =------------------------------------------------------------
Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan
while in the greenroom after a concert. "There's not much room on this page,"
he said. "What shall I write?" Another violinist, standing by, offered the
following helpful hint, "Write your repertoire."
-= violin =-= 15 =------------------------------------------------------------
"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the
defendant.
"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin
lessons last winter."
"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"
-= violin =-= 16 =------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a violinist like a Scud missile?
Both are offensive and inaccurate.
-= violin =-= 17 =------------------------------------------------------------
Blumita Singer of Brazil was invited, as one of 52 finalists, to perform at the
International Violin Competition in Indianapolis in September 1990 as the result
of an audition tape she submitted. However, when she started to perform, she
played so poorly it became apparent that she could not have been the person on
the audition tape, and some of the judges walked out while others began
giggling. She did not offer an explanation.
-= violin =-= 18 =------------------------------------------------------------
Why are violins smaller than violas?
They're not. Violinists heads are larger.
-= violin =-= 19 =------------------------------------------------------------
Into the fifth hour of a performance of "Der Meistersinger", one violinist was
overheard whispering to his neighbour, "So what other comic opera did Wagner
write?!!"
-= violin =-= 20 =------------------------------------------------------------
Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact the other
and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies.
He manages to make contact with Abe the next day.
Abe says, "I can't believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?"
Max replies, "Well, it's great, but I've got good news, and I've got bad
news. The good news is that there's a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact,
we're playing "Sheherezade," your favorite piece, tomorrow night!"
Abe says, "So what's the bad news?"
Max replies, "Well, you're booked to play the solo!"
-= violin =-= 21 =------------------------------------------------------------
A violin player has given a good recital and, afterwards, a lady comes up to
him and says, "Maestro, that was beautiful, and how good. All those fast
notes!"
To which the violinist replies, "Ah, but dear lady, those were only sixteenth
notes, sometimes I play thirty-seconds!"
The lady is completely awestruck, "Oh, could you play one for me?"
-= violin =-= 22 =------------------------------------------------------------
String players' motto: It's better to be sharp than out of tune.
-= violin =-= 23 =------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a violinist from Rio
who was seduced by a lady named Cleo.
When she pulled down her panties,
she said, "Please no andantes,
I want this allegro con brio."
================================================================================
== VOCALS ======================================================================
-= vocals =-= 1 =------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?
Most musicians have never been inside a Porsche.
-= vocals =-= 2 =------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and an All-Pro offensive
lineman?
Stage makeup.
-= vocals =-= 3 =------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a Wagnerian Tenor?
About 10 pounds.
-= vocals =-= 4 =------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a dressmaker and an alto?
The dressmaker tucks up the frills.
-= vocals =-= 5 =------------------------------------------------------------
If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end, it would be a
good idea.
-= vocals =-= 6 =------------------------------------------------------------
How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. One to do it, and five to say, "It's too high for HIM."
-= vocals =-= 7 =------------------------------------------------------------
How many altos does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can't get up that high.
-= vocals =-= 8 =------------------------------------------------------------
What do you see if you look up a soprano's skirt?
A tenor.
-= vocals =-= 9 =------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the tenor who announced that in the following season he would
only sing three title roles: Othello, Samson, and Forza del Destino?
(true story)
-= vocals =-= 10 =------------------------------------------------------------
How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door?
He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.
-= vocals =-= 11 =------------------------------------------------------------
How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb?
One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him.
or
None. Get the drummer to do it.
-= vocals =-= 12 =------------------------------------------------------------
What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones?
"I didn't wake up this morning..."
-= vocals =-= 13 =------------------------------------------------------------
When a young hotshot conductor was making his debut at the Met, he showed the
jaded and skeptical orchestra how well he knew the music by singing all parts of
the Lucia sextet during rehearsal.
Afterwards, one musician was overheard whispering to the other, impressed,
"Well, this kid really knows his stuff!"
The other replied, "*I* don't think he is so hot. Did you notice how flat
his high E was at the end?"
-= vocals =-= 14 =------------------------------------------------------------
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.
-= vocals =-= 15 =------------------------------------------------------------
Person 1: It must be terrible for an opera singer to realise that he can never
sing again.
Person 2: Yes, but it's much more terrible if he doesn't realise it.
-= vocals =-= 16 =------------------------------------------------------------
There was a young fellow named Locke
Who was born with a two-headed cock.
When he'd fondle the thing,
It would rise up and sing
An antiphonal chorus by Bach.
-= vocals =-= 17 =------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the female opera singer who had quite a range at the lower
end of the scale.
She was known as the deep C diva.
-= vocals =-= 18 =------------------------------------------------------------
What is your Opera Index? [/10.0]
0.0 = You can't even sing along with the air-raid siren.
0.5 = You think "pitch" is something you do to a baseball.
1.0 = You can tell the difference between rest notes and Kanji.
1.5 = You know that Albinoni isn't a sea mollusk.
2.0 = You can't wait for Romeo and Juliet to take their story to its tragic and
well deserved conclusion.
2.5 = You actually bought a copy of K-tell's "Greatest Opera Hits"
3.0 = Your parents love opera, you'll watch it only if it's on TV.
3.5 = You've got tapes of complete operas hidden in your car.
4.0 = You include quotes from operas in your Usenet postings.
4.5 = You think Mario Lanza got a raw deal.
5.0 = You have season tickets to the MET's Mostly Mozart Festival
5.5 = You have a plaster bust of Verdi on your toy piano.
6.0 = You've memorized the fake french dialogue in Die Fledermaus.
6.5 = You cry every time Mimi hides her cough from Ruldolfo.
7.0 = You'd watch Andrea Chenier again. :P
7.5 = You actually like the Wagnarian style.
8.0 = You actually believe in Turandot's beauty through her aria, despite visual
evidence to the contrary.
8.5 = You've got Wagner's Ring Cycle memorized...both versions.
9.0 = You've developed a better filing system than Koechel's.
9.5 = Kiri Te Kanawa thinks you're cute.
9.6 = You think Dane Joan Sutherland is a sexy mama.
9.7 = Pavarotti, Carrera and Domingo compete for your autograph.
10.0 = Caruso does cameos at your seances.
-= vocals =-= 19 =------------------------------------------------------------
From an edition of the Brisbane Sunday Mail (with apologies to the original
source not duly acknowledged) -
World's Great Unsung Operas
Roll-Your-Own Fags Girl In Stadium Stabbing (Carmen)
Surprise Winner Of The Eurovision Song Contest (Die Meistersinger)
Oriental Child Bride In Tug-Of-Love Suicide (Madame Butterfly)
Trainee Shortage Threatens East Coast Fishing Industry (Peter Grimes)
Former Callgirl Dies In Love Nest (La Traviata)
Police Slayer In Prison Roof Death Plunge (Tosca)
Cadet Officer In Country House Bedroom Sex Change Frolic (Marriage of Figaro)
Good Neighbour Policy Fails To Save Paris TB Victim (La Boheme)
Three Die In Mixed Marriage Handkerchief Muddle (Otello)
Incest Offspring To Marry Aunt (Siegfried)
-= vocals =-= 20 =------------------------------------------------------------
Operas That Never Made It
Rossini: The Plumber of Seville.
Britten: A Midsummer Nightmare.
Mozart: The Magic Tuba.
Puccini: La Bamba.
Verdi: Rigatoni.
- on a shirt in the Summer, 1994 Wireless Audio Collection catalog
-= vocals =-= 21 =------------------------------------------------------------
A bass-baritone is rowing on a lake, cheerfully singing to himself,
"Toreador, en garde!"
God is looking down from heaven and, feeling a little bored, says to himself,
"Gee, I wonder what would happen if I took half of his brain away!"
Well, He does this, but the fellow just keeps right on rowing and singing,
"Toreador, en garde!"
God sees this and remarks, "Fascinating, I wonder what would happen if I took
away half of the brain he has left..."
He does this, but the bass-baritone is still rowing and singing along,
"Toreador, en garde!"
God finally says to himself, "That's it, I just have to see what happens if I
take his *entire* brain away..."
God does this, and the fellow keeps rowing, but now he's singing, "La donna e
mobile!"
-= vocals =-= 22 =------------------------------------------------------------
A soprano died and went to Heaven. St. Peter stopped her at the gate asking,
"Well, how many false notes did you sing in your life?"
The soprano answers, "Three."
"Three times, fellows!" says Pete, and along comes an angel and sticks the
soprano three times with a needle.
"Ow! What was that for?" asks the soprano.
Pete explains, "Here in heaven, we stick you once for each false note you've
sung down on Earth."
"Oh," says the soprano, and is just about to step through the gates when she
suddenly hears a horrible screaming from behind a door. "Oh my goodness, what is
THAT?" asks the soprano, horrified.
"Oh," says Pete, "that's a tenor we got some time back. He's just about to
start his third week in the sewing machine."
-= vocals =-= 23 =------------------------------------------------------------
How can you tell when a tenor is really stupid?
When the other tenors notice.
-= vocals =-= 24 =------------------------------------------------------------
What is the definition of an octave?
An octave can be described as having eight diatonic steps, twelve chromatic
steps, or twenty-seven when sung by a tenor.
-= vocals =-= 25 =------------------------------------------------------------
Ever hear the one about the tenor who was so off-key that even the other tenors
could tell?
-= vocals =-= 26 =------------------------------------------------------------
What is the missing link between the bass and the ape?
The baritone.
-= vocals =-= 27 =------------------------------------------------------------
Mom, why do you always stand by the window when I practice for my singing
lessons?
I don't want the neighbours to think I'm employing corporal punishment, dear.
-= vocals =-= 28 =------------------------------------------------------------
Dad, why do the singers rock left and right while performing on stage?
Because, son, it is more difficult to hit a moving target.
-= vocals =-= 29 =------------------------------------------------------------
So this trumpet player dies. And when he reaches is everlasting reward, the guy
in the robe says, "You're going to spend eternity with this combo, okay?
There's a bass player named 'Mingus' and a pianist named 'Monk', and any day now
we expect this 'Blakey' guy to show up with his drums. "Wow!" the guy says, "I
never imagined heaven would be this good." So the guy in the robe says, "This
is hell, not heaven. There's a girl singer."
-= vocals =-= 30 =------------------------------------------------------------
He's the guy who sings the national anthem at cockfights. - a deprecatory
comment on a singer quoted in "The Talk of the Town" feature of the July 18,
1994 issue of The New Yorker.
-= vocals =-= 31 =------------------------------------------------------------
A Smoke-Free Carmen
by Denis Dutton
Last year, Auckland Opera received complaints when its advertising posters for
Bizet's Carmen showed offensive cleavage. In deciding to withdraw the posters,
the general manager of Auckland Opera sensibly explained, "It behoved us to find
a more imaginative way to sell our product than just to resort to blatant sexist
imagery." In the new ads, Carmen had a completely covered chest. Auckland Opera
has taken a step in the right direction of providing a more wholesome, nonsexist
Carmen. It is regrettable, however, that the recent Canterbury Opera Carmen
continued to promote inappropriate role models and behavioural messages
regarding gender relations, animal rights issues, and tobacco consumption.
Admittedly, some of these problems are incorrectly dealt with in Prosper
Merimee's original story. Yet a few minor changes would enable audiences to
enjoy the beautiful music of the opera without being exposed to offensive and
outdated stereotypes. Herewith, a Carmen for our time:
The first scene takes place in a square in Seville. Young factory workers
spill into the street for their morning break of fresh fruit. One of them, the
dark Gypsy Carmen, sings a lovely habanera, reminding us that love occurs
between all genders, races and body types. Before returning to the factory,
Carmen throws a rose to the Basque soldier, Don Jose. A fight breaks out between
two of the young persons in the factory, and while trying to instruct them on
the futility of violence, Carmen is arrested. Don Jose is ordered to guard her,
but she convinces him to allow her to escape, explaining that they are all
victims of patriarchal oppression.
The second act opens in the smoke-free environment of a vegetarian
restaurant. Carmen and ethnically-diverse friends are enjoying whole-meal buns
when they are interrupted by the wicked Escamillo, a rich and famous
bullfighter. Escamillo sings an aria in praise of wine, cigars, thick steaks
and women. This disgusts the young people, although Carmen is strangely
attracted to the bullfighter. Don Jose arrives and, alone at last, he and
Carmen vow to live together. They will respect the importance of protected sex
and acknowledge each other's unique cultural identity. Don Jose will do the
ironing.
The third act opens in a wild place in the mountains. Carmen, Don Jose and
other members of the Animal Liberation Collective are plotting to end the
exploitation of bulls. Don Jose is enraged when Carmen nobly volunteers to
seduce Escamillo, so exhausting him that he will be unable effectively to fight
in the bullring. Carmen patiently explains that the lives of many bulls, and
the contentedness of cows, is at stake. Escamillo enters and begins a duel with
Don Jose, but the Collective intervenes, insisting that the two men find viable
nonviolent means to settle their dispute. The jealous Don Jose must seek anger-
management counselling.
The final scene returns to Seville. Escamillo's colourful procession enters
the bullring. A dishevelled Don Jose confronts Carmen. He is suffering from
low self-esteem. Counselling has only made his anger worse, recovering repressed
childhood memories of satanic rituals, where he was forced to drink blood, eat
babies, and smoke cheap, unfiltered cigarettes. Acknowledging his trauma, Carmen
insists he begin the healing process by getting a bath and a shave. The two
lovers embrace and detail plans to offer workshops in cultural identity and
empowerment. The bull wins.
-= vocals =-= 32 =------------------------------------------------------------
]NEW[
A Choristers' Guide To Keeping Conductors In Line
The basic training of every singer should, of course, include myriad types of
practical and theoretical emphases. One important area which is often neglected,
however, is the art of one-upmanship. The following rules are intended as guides
to the development of habits which will promote the proper type of relationship
between singer and conductor.
1. Never be satisfied with the starting pitch. If the conductor uses a pitch-
pipe, make known your preference for pitches from the piano and vice-versa.
2. Complain about the temperature of the rehearsal room, the lighting, crowded
space, and of a draft. It's best to do this when the conductor is under
pressure.
3. Bury your head in the music just before cues.
4. Ask for a re-audition or seating change. Ask often. Give the impression
you're about to quit. Let the conductor know you're there as a personal
favour.
5. Loudly clear your throat during pauses (tenors are trained to do this from
birth). Quiet instrumental interludes are a good chance to blow your nose.
6. Long after a passage has gone by, ask the conductor if your C# was in tune.
This is especially effective if you had no C# or were not singing at the
time.
7. At dramatic moments in the music (which the conductor is emoting), be busy
marking your music so that the climaxes will sound empty and disappointing.
8. Wait until well into a rehearsal before letting the conductor know that you
don't have the music.
9. Look at your watch frequently. Shake it in disbelief occasionally.
10. When possible, sing your part either an octave above or below what is
written. This is excellent ear-training for the conductor. If he hears the
pitch, deny it vehemently and claim that it must have been the combination
tone.
11. Tell the conductor, "I can't find the beat." Conductors are always
sensitive about their "stick technique" so challenge it frequently.
12. If you are singing in a language with which the conductor is the least bit
unfamiliar, ask her as many questions as possible about the meaning of
individual words. If this fails, ask her about the pronunciation of the
most difficult words. Occasionally, say the word twice and ask her
preference, making certain to say it exactly the same both times. If she
remarks on their similarity, give her a look of utter disdain and mumble
under your breath about the "subtleties of inflection".
13. Ask the conductor if he has listened to the von Karajan recording of the
piece. Imply that he could learn a thing or two from it. Also good: ask,
"Is this the first time you've conducted this piece?"
14. If your articulation differs from that of others singing the same phrase,
stick to your guns. Do not ask the conductor which is correct until
backstage just before the concert.
15. Find an excuse to leave the rehearsal about 15 minutes early so that others
will become restless and start to fidget.
Make every effort to take the attention away from the podium and put it on you,
where it belongs!
================================================================================
== ORCHESTRAS ==================================================================
-= orchestras =-= 1 =--------------------------------------------------------
What is the definition of a Soviet String Quartet?
A Soviet Symphony Orchestra after a tour of the USA!
-= orchestras =-= 2 =--------------------------------------------------------
How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven. (Indignant nose upturning) Of course, I wouldn't expect *you* to
understand.
-= orchestras =-= 3 =--------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
The bull has the horns in front and the asshole in the back.
-= orchestras =-= 4 =--------------------------------------------------------
Why are conductors' hearts coveted for transplants?
They've had little use.
-= orchestras =-= 5 =--------------------------------------------------------
A musician calls the orchestra office, asks for the conductor, and is told
that he is dead. The musician calls back 25 times more. Same message from
receptionist. She asks why he keeps calling. He replies, "I just like to hear
you say it."
-= orchestras =-= 6 =--------------------------------------------------------
Semiconductors are part-time musicians.
Rubber bands are musicians who believe in safe sex.
-= orchestras =-= 7 =--------------------------------------------------------
Last summer, the local orchestra decided to play Beethoven's 9th symphony.
However, it being quite hot, the players were working up quite a sweat, until a
neighbor let them use the ventilators in her house. However, the wind from
these ventilators was causing the notes to blow all over the place, so they had
to tie them down to the note holders. The din from the ventilators was so bad
that the bassists decided it didn't matter if they downed a few drinks and got
royally drunk. Two of the bassists get so drunk, they pass out. One of the
violinists, in disgust, decided to go home but slipped and fell. Thus, it was
the bottom of the 9th, the bassists were loaded, the score was tied with two men
out and the fans were roaring wild when one of the players slid home.
-= orchestras =-= 8 =--------------------------------------------------------
It's Saturday night and the local orchestra is giving a concert, but it's
five minutes to curtain and the conductor still hasn't shown. When the assistant
manager tells the manager about this, the manager goes berserk. He asks all of
the employees if they can conduct, but none of them can. He then goes to the
lobby and asks the patrons but doesn't find anyone. He finally goes out on the
street and collars passerbys but still can't find anyone who can conduct. In
desperation, the assistant manager points to a cat, dog, and horse that are
standing in the street. The manager shrugs his shoulders and says, "Why not,
what do we have to lose?"
He goes to the cat and asks if it can conduct and it meows out, "I don't know
but I'll try." The cat tries to stand on its hind legs and wave its paws but it
can't keep its balance and falls over immediately.
The manager goes to the dog and asks the same thing. The dog barks, "I think
I can," but although the dog can keep its balance for a while, it can't stand on
its hind legs long enough to last through an entire movement.
Finally, the manager asks the horse if it can conduct. The horse just stares
at the manager for a second, then turns around and presents its rear quarters
and starts swishing its tail in perfect 4/4 time.
The manager exclaims, "That's perfect! The concert can go on as scheduled."
"But, sir," protests the assistant, "will the orchestra accept a horse as a
conductor?"
Just then the horse drops a big pile of plop on the street. The manager
looks at the plop and then at the horse's rear and says, "Trust me, from this
angle, the orchestra won't even know that they have a new conductor."
-= orchestras =-= 9 =--------------------------------------------------------
Max dies and meets St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter looks at his
resume and says, "Well, I think you belong in the Heavenly Orchestra." and
takes him to visit a rehearsal. Mozart is playing violin, Beethoven is playing
piano, Paganini is in the back of the 2nd violins, etc.
However, the conductor is appalling. Afterwards, Max says, "Well, that was
great, but who was that grey-haired old geezer conducting?"
St. Peter replies, "Oh, that was God, he thinks he's Herbert von Karajan."
-= orchestras =-= 10 =--------------------------------------------------------
From: Efficiency & Ticket, Ltd., Management Consultants
To: Chairman, The London Symphony Orchestra
Re: Schubert's Symphony No. 8 in B minor.
After attending a rehearsal of this work we make the following observations and
recommendations:
1. We note that the twelve first violins were playing identical notes, as were
the second violins. Three violins in each section, suitably amplified, would
seem to us to be adequate.
2. Much unnecessary labour is involved in the number of demisemiquavers in this
work; we suggest that many of these could be rounded up to the nearest
semiquaver thus saving practice time for the individual player and rehearsal
time for the entire ensemble. The simplification would also permit more use
of trainee and less-skilled players with only marginal loss of precision.
3. We could find no productivity value in string passages being repeated by the
horns; all tutti repeats could also be eliminated without any reduction of
efficiency.
4. In so labour-intensive an undertaking as a symphony, we regard the long oboe
tacet passages to be extremely wasteful. What notes this instrument is called
upon to play could, subject to a satisfactory demarcation conference with the
Musician's Union, be shared out equitably amongst the other instruments.
Conclusion: if the above recommendations are implemented the piece under
condsideration could be played through in less than half an hour with
concomitant savings in overtime, lighting and heating, wear and tear on the
instruments and hall rental fees. Also, had the composer been aware of modern
cost-effective procedures he might well have finished this work.
-= orchestras =-= 11 =--------------------------------------------------------
The late Herbert von Karajan and his wife enter a hotel room.
She: My god, it is cold in here.
HvK: But, liebchen, when we are in private, you can call me Herbert.
-= orchestras =-= 12 =--------------------------------------------------------
When the percussionist for the Space Coast Philharmonic's all-woman performance
quit at the last minute, the Florida group fill in with a man. The dressed him
in a robe, powdered his mustache and ordered him to "maintain a low profile."
No one noticed.
-= orchestras =-= 13 =--------------------------------------------------------
What do you do with a percussionist that loses one of his/her drumsticks?
Stick them up in front of the group and tell them to wave their arms!
-= orchestras =-= 14 =--------------------------------------------------------
While at a concert being performed by a very bad orchestra, George Bernard Shaw
was asked what he'd like them to play next. "Dominoes," he replied.
-= orchestras =-= 15 =--------------------------------------------------------
During a spirited on-stage sword fight during a September 1994 performance of
the opera "The Vagabond King" in Denver, one of the swords broke off, flew
through the air, and severed the bow of a violinist in the orchestra. Opera
officials were considering stringing a net over the orchestra pit for
protection.
================================================================================
== MUSIC =======================================================================
-= music =-= 1 =-------------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you play a new age song backwards?
A new age song.
-= music =-= 2 =-------------------------------------------------------------
What happens if you sing country music backwards?
You get your job and your wife back.
-= music =-= 3 =-------------------------------------------------------------
Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
-= music =-= 4 =-------------------------------------------------------------
Music is the only sensual pleasure without vice.
-= music =-= 5 =-------------------------------------------------------------
A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a new theatrical
season. "Who am I to stone the first cast?"
-= music =-= 6 =-------------------------------------------------------------
Philistine Liberation Organization Seminars:
"The Sound of Music: Best Musical Ever Made?"
"Andy Williams and Neil Diamond, their Similarities and Differences"
"Perceptions of Existence in the Music of Manilow"
"Is Vivaldi the New Muzak? Is snobbery creeping into the PLO?"
-= music =-= 7 =-------------------------------------------------------------
How To Buy A Stereo
1) Carefully calculate power requirements, based on room dimensions, etc.
Multiply by a factor of 100.
2) The ideal system should have as many lights as possible, preferably
blinking and flashing in time with the music.
3) The components should all have black metal finish, and generally look very
COOL.
4) The system should be broken up into as many components as possible. (e.g.
pre-amp, pre-pre-amp, pre-menstrual-amp, post-amp, post-menopause-amp, etc.)
5) The most important part of a stereo system is the speakers, they should look
very cool. Size and number of sub-speakers and varieties of components
pointed at the listener is important. (e.g. tweeters, hooters, sub-woofers,
super-sub-woofers, seismic noise generators, etc.)
6) The system should resemble the cockpit of an F16 or 757 aircraft; the more
knobs and dials you can turn, the better.
7) The system should have full remote control capability, including over the
mobile auto cellular phone so that the stereo can be playing as you get
home.
8) Should have the capability of playing different music in every room of the
house.
9) Components should have a cool names; this means no department store brands.
10) The complete set-up should put a major recording studio or large radio
station to shame. After all, you may be trying to duplicate the exciting
feeling of being at a heavy metal concert in a football stadium with 70,000
screaming fans.
11) Having state-of-the-art equipment is not enough. You should be a year or
two ahead of everyone else. Equipment over the warranty period is obsolete
and should be disposed of promptly.
12) The most important factor...
Out of everyone you know who owns stereo equipment, yours should be better.
-= music =-= 8 =-------------------------------------------------------------
How can you tell someone is a true music lover?
When they even put their ear up to the bathroom keyhole.
-= music =-= 9 =-------------------------------------------------------------
The Best Of The Worst Country-Western Song Titles
A Replacement Player Hit A Home Run With My Cheatin' Wife
All My Ex's Live In Texas
Do You Love As Good As You Look
Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor On The Bedpost Overnight?
Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through The Goalposts Of Life
Fancy Garbage-Truck Drivin' Man
Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed
Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
Guess My Eyes Were Bigger Than My Heart
He Used To Go Bananas For Me, But Now I've Lost Appeal
Heaven's Just A Sin Away
Her Body Couldn't Keep You Off My Mind
Her Cheatin' Heart Made A Drunken Fool Out Of Me
Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
Here's A Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares
How Can A Whiskey That's 6 Years Old Whup A Man That's 33?
How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
How Can You Believe Me When I Say I Love You When You Know I've Been A Liar All
My Life?
I Been Roped And Thrown By Jesus In The Holy Ghost Corral
I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me?
I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
I Don't Know What Came Over Me (When I Came All Over You)
I Don't Know Whether To Come Home Or Go Crazy
I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
I Don't Want Your Body If Your Heart's Not In It
I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
I Flushed You From The Toilets Of My Heart
I Fought The Dog, And The Dog Won
I Got In At 2 With A 10 And Woke Up At 10 With A 2
I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except Mine
I Just Bought A Car From The Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run So I
Figure We Got An Even Deal
I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
I Knew I'd Hit Rock Bottom When I Woke Up On Top Of You
I Knifed The Forklift Driver 'Cause He Was Spoonin' With You
I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
I May Be Used (But Baby I Ain't Used Up)
I Meant Every Word That He Said
I May As Well Be Gay If You're Not Straight With Me
I Stagger The Line
I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
I Wanna Whip Your Cow
I Wanted His Truck, But All I Got Was The Dipstick
I Wish I Were In Dixie Tonight, But She's Out Of Town
I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck!
I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dawg Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
I Wouldn't Take You To A Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win
I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy
I'd Rather Pass A Kidney Stone Than Another Night With You
I'll Get Over You As Soon As You Get Out From Under Him
I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonite
I'm Gettin' Gray From Being Blue
I'm Gonna Hire A Wino To Decorate Our Home
I'm Havin' Daydreams About Night Things In The Middle Of The Afternoon
I'm Just A Bug On The Windshield Of Life
I'm Not Married But The Wife Is
I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
I'm The Only Hell Mama Ever Raised
I've Been Flushed From The Bathroom Of Your Heart
I've Got Four On The Floor And A Fifth Under The Seat
I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies And I'm Blue All The Time
I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lying On My Back In My Bed While I Cry Over You
I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line
If Drinkin' Don't Kill Me, Her Memory Will
If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, Wonder Whose I'd Find On You
If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now
If I Said You Had A Beautiful Body, Would You Hold It Against Me?
If I Were A Dog, I Wouldn't Sniff Your Cheatin' Butt
If It's Got To Be Later, How 'Bout Later Tonight?
If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low
If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You
If She Puts Lipstick On My Dipstick, I'll Fall In Love
If The Jukebox Took Teardrops I'd Cry All Night Long
If The Phone Don't Ring, Baby, You'll Know It's Me
If Whiskey Were A Woman, I'd Be Married For Sure
If You Can't Feel It (It Ain't There)
If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will
If You Ever Leave Me, Take The Mongoose With You
If You Leave Me, Can I Come Too?
If You're Burning With Desire, Then I'm Your Match
It Ain't Love But It Ain't Bad
It Don't Feel Like Sinnin' To Me
It Takes Me All Night Long To Do What I Used To Do All Night Long
Jump In The Hefty Bag, Baby, 'Cause I'm Takin' Out The Trash
Learning To Live Again Without You Is Killing Me
Like A Rolling Home
Lovin' You Clogged My Arteries With Your Big Fat Lies, Then You Bypassed My
Heart For Some Other Guy
Mama Get The Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
May The Bird Of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose
My Best Man Was Her Daddy's Shotgun
My Everyday Silver Is Plastic
My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My
Heart
My Love For You Is Bigger Than My Prostate
My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
Oh, I've Got Hair Oil On My Ears And My Glasses Are Slipping Down, But Baby I
Can See Through You
Oh, Lord! It's Hard To Be Humble When You're Perfect In Every Way
(Our Love Is So Hot) You're Meltin' Nadine's Tattoo Off My Butt
Out Of My Head And Back In My Bed
Pardon Me, I've Got Someone To Kill
Please Bypass This Heart
She Feels Like A New Man Tonight
She Gimme Any More Lip, You're Gonna Have To Call Me Jagger
She Got The Gold Mine And I Got The Shaft
She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
She Made Toothpicks Out Of The Timber Of My Heart
She Swore She'd Be Faithful, But There's WD-40 On The Zipper Of Her Jeans
She's Got Freckles On Her, But She's Pretty
She's Out Doing What I'm Here Doing Without
Stand By Your Dog
Swing Wide Your Gate Of Love
Take Your Cheatin' Heart And Beat It
Tennis Must Be Your Racket 'Cause Love Means Nothin' To You
Thank God And Greyhound She's Gone
The Last Word In Lonesome Is "me"
There Ain't No Waste In My Baby's Love Canal
They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out
They Say Our Love's Illicit, But I'm Still Prayin' For A Conjugal Visit
Touch Me With More Than Your Hands
Velcro Arms, Teflon Heart
We Used To Be Drinkin' Buddies, Now All She Does Is Whine
We Used To Be Lovebirds, Now I'm Eating Crow
What Made Milwaukee Famous (Has Made a Loser Out of Me)
When We Get Back To the Farm (That's When We Really Go To Town)
When You Leave, Walk Out Backwards, So I'll Think You're Walking In
Who You Gonna Believe, Me Or Your Lying Eyes?
Why Did I Go Ape For That Baboon?
Why Don't We Get Drunk And (thud)
Won't You Be My Ballantine?
You Can't Deal Me All The Aces And Expect Me Not To Play
You Can't Have Your Kate And Edith Too
You Can't Roller Skate In A Buffalo Herd
You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
You Hurt The Love Right Out Of Me
You Left Me In A Ditch, Broken-hearted And Infected, You Giraffe-Hunting Bastard
You May Put Me In Prison, But You Can't Keep My Face From Breakin' Out
You Were Only A Splinter As I Slid Down The Bannister Of Life
You're A Cross I Can't Bear
You're A Zero For Trying To Score With Me
You're As Sweet As Tupelo Honey On My Spam
You're Ruining My Bad Reputation
You're The Missing Link In My Chainsaw, And I Just Can't Cut It No More
You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
(for a limited time, $9.95 on cassette, $15.95 on CD, call now!)
-= music =-= 10 =-------------------------------------------------------------
Do-It-Yourself Country/Western Song
I met her __________ _____; I can still recall _________
(1) (2) (3)
1. 2. 3.
on the highway in September that purple dress
in Sheboygan at McDonald's that little hat
outside Fresno ridin' shotgun that burlap bra
at a truck stop wrestlin' gators those training pants
on probation all hunched over the stolen goods
in a jail cell poppin' uppers that plastic nose
in a nightmare sort of pregnant the Stassin pin
incognito with joggers the neon sign
in the Stone Age stoned on oatmeal that creepy smile
in a treehouse with Merv Griffin the hearing aid
in a gay bar dead all over the boxer shorts
she wore; She was ______ _____,
(4) (5)
4. 5.
sobbin' at the toll booth in the twilight
drinkin' Dr. Pepper but I loved her
weighted down with Twinkies by the off-ramp
breakin' out with acne near Poughkeepsie
crawlin' through the prairie with her cobra
smellin' kind of funny when she shot me
crashin' through the guardrail on her elbows
chewin' on a hangnail with Led-Zeppelin
talkin' in Swahili with Miss Piggy
drownin' in the quicksand with a wetback
slurpin' up linguini in her muu-muu
and I knew _______; _______ I'd ______ forever;
(6) (7) (8)
6. 7. 8.
no guy would ever love her more I promised her stay with her
that she would be an easy score I knew deep down warp her mind
she'd bought her dentures in a store She asked me if swear off booze
that she would be a crashing bore I told her shrink change my sex
I'd never rate her more than "4" The judge declared punch her out
they'd hate her guts in Baltimore My Pooh Bear said live off her
it was a raven, nothing more I shrieked in pain have my rash
we really lost the last World War The painters knew stay a dwarf
I'd have to scrape her off the floor A Klingon said hate her dog
what strong deodorants were for My hamster thought pick my nose
that she was rotten to the core The blood test showed play "Go Fish"
that I would upchuck on the floor Her rabbi said salivate
She said to me ____; But who'd have thought she'd _____
(9) (10)
9. 10.
our love would never die run off
there was no other guy wind up
man wasn't meant to fly boogie
that Nixon didn't lie yodel
her basset hound was shy sky dive
that Rolaids made her high turn green
she'd have a swiss on rye freak out
she loved my one blue eye blast off
her brother's name was Hy make it
she liked "Spy vs. Spy" black out
that birthdays made her cry bobsled
she couldn't stand my tie grovel
___________; _________ goodbye.
(11) (12)
11. 12.
with my best friend You'd think at least that she'd have said
in my Edsel I never had the chance to say
on a surfboard She told her fat friend Grace to say
on "The Gong Show" I now can kiss my credit cards
with her dentist I guess I was too smashed to say
on her "Workmate" I watched her melt away and sobbed
with a robot She fell beneath the wheels and cried
with no clothes on She sent a hired thug to say
at her health club She freaked out on the lawn and screamed
in her Maytag I pushed her off the bridge and waved
with her guru But that's the way that pygmies say
while in labor She sealed me in the vault and smirked.
-= music =-= 11 =-------------------------------------------------------------
A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are to be executed on the same
day. The day comes, and they are brought to the gas chamber. The warden asks
the cowboy if he has a last request, to which the cowboy replies, "Ah shore do,
wardn. Ah'd be mighty grateful if'n yoo'd play 'Achy Breaky Heart' fur me
bahfore ah hafta go."
"Sure enough, cowboy, we can do that," says the warden. He turns to the
biker, "And you, biker, what's your last request?"
"That you kill me first."
-= music =-= 12 =-------------------------------------------------------------
The Top Songs On The Benedictine Monks' Best-Selling CD
20. Hey, Hey, We're The Monks
19. (I Can't Get No) Satisfaction
18. I'm Too Sexy For This Robe...
17. Cyronus Achus Breakus
16. Ain't Misbehavin'
15. What's A Vow Of Chastity Got To Do With It?
14. Red, Red Wine
13. Celebate! Celebate! Dance To The Music!
12. Shock The Monk
11. Give Peace A Chant
10. Hand Jive
9. 50 Ways To Leave Your Monastery
8. Born To Be Mild
7. Oh, Sherry
6. Don't Stand So Close To Me
5. Beat It
4. Can't Touch That!
3. I Write The Psalms
2. Smells Like (Holy Spirit)
1. Light My Friar
-= music =-= 13 =-------------------------------------------------------------
Outrageous Musical Arrangements
1) Concerto For Typewriter And Orchestra In C# minor.
(The following is an excerpt from the 3rd movement Cadenza:
" k i wdehfq eweme f2e34f[0 932ru 2l/m,3mr
f`2o3ru8`293dn d
2efo k jed1eflyrther
h2e33 f r ey
9234`j323e923845`2332 9
13er13 w 2qergqergerggrt
er q wwkdjfwediueoijeo e e e
4rem24df4wefterwregteqr3tger45t
~#^~^%&)((~*^(&%#*# @~&*!*!@#
~@#&%#~*&#^~)((!)_()*#)_(&3````````` "
2) Sonata For Cymbals And Lute In B-flat Major.
(I think the melodic line should be assigned to the cymbals)
3) "Total Entropy" - a tone poem for 85 bagpipes and solo cello.
4) Modern Quintet In D-flat minor For Air-conditioner, Trumpet, Quasinart, Viola
And Hair Dryer.
5) "Schumschimeinwumderzendlieder - a song cycle for mezzosoprano and tenor
accompanied by 12 idling tractor engines gently revved from time to time.
6) "Hallelujah" - a rearrangement of George Ferederick Handel's work for reed
instruments alone - to be performed by 10,000 mouth organs at Piccadily
Circus, London on Christmas Eve.
-= music =-= 14 =-------------------------------------------------------------
Music Education
These are stories and test questions accumulated by music teachers in the state
of Missouri...
Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.
Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better not try to
sing.
A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present.
Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud
music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling him. I
guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from
this.
Henry Purcell is a well known composer few people have ever heard of.
Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It is unusual
to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead.
An opera is a song of bigly size.
In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one he really
loves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they all live happily ever
after.
When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing eardrums.
But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting.
Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.
I know what a sextet is but I had rather not say.
Caruso was at first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said he would
go a long way. And so he came to America.
A good orchestra is always ready to play if the conductor steps on the odium.
Morris dancing is a country survival from times when people were happy.
Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.
Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and McCoys.
My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby.
My favorite composer is Opus.
A harp is a nude piano.
A tuba is much larger than its name.
Instruments come in many sizes, shapes and orchestras.
You should always say celli when you mean there are two or more cellos.
Another name for kettle drums is timpani. But I think I will just stick with
the first name and learn it good.
A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.
While trombones have tubes, trumpets prefer to wear valves.
The double bass is also called the bass viol, string bass, and bass fiddle. It
has so many names because it is so huge.
When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would
anybody.
Question: What are kettle drums called? Answer: Kettle drums.
Cymbals are round, metal CLANGS!
A bassoon looks like nothing I have ever heard.
Last month I found out how a clarinet works by taking it apart. I both found
out and got in trouble.
Question: Is the saxophone a brass or a woodwind instrument?
Answer: Yes.
The concertmaster of an orchestra is always the person who sits in the first
chair of the first violins. This means that when a person is elected
concertmaster, he has to hurry up and learn how to play a violin real good.
For some reason, they always put a treble clef in front of every line of flute
music. You just watch.
I can't reach the brakes on this piano!
The main trouble with a French horn is it's too tangled up.
Anyone who can read all the instrument notes at the same time gets to be the
conductor.
Instrumentalist is a many-purposed word for many player-types.
The flute is a skinny-high shape-sounded instrument.
The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.
A contra-bassoon is like a bassoon, only more so.
Tubas are a bit too much.
Music instrument has a plural known as orchestra.
I would like for you to teach me to play the cello. Would tomorrow or Friday be
best?
My favorite instrument is the bassoon. It is so hard to play people seldom play
it. That is why I like the bassoon best.
It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake
him in rhythm.
Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant
sound once the animal is removed.
Source: Missouri School Music Newsletter, collected by Harold Dunn.
-= music =-= 15 =-------------------------------------------------------------
After silence, music comes closest to expressing the inexpressible.
-= music =-= 16 =-------------------------------------------------------------
Nauseous Music Encyclopaedia Pop Quiz
Win one of the following five fab prizes...
* Andrew Ridgleys Guitar (as new, never been used)
* A Kylie Minogue Karaoke machine (sing along to her records, it's more than she
ever does)
* Half an hour alone in a sound-proofed room with a baseball bat and Jason
Donovan tied to a chair
* A weekend for two, locked in a chemists shop with Keith Richards
* A lifelong membership to the Cliff Richard appreciation society.
All you have to do is answer the following easy questions:
1. Jimmy Sommerville looks the way he does because:
a) He's labouring under the misapprehension that he's Tintin.
b) He had an argument with a witchdoctor.
c) He spent too much time reading 'Bunty' as a child.
2. Listening to Pet Shop Boys records is about as entertaining as having your
appendix removed with no anaesthetic by a blind surgeon with St. Vitus
dance, using a hacksaw and a pair of garden shears. True or False?
3. Which record took Lena Martell to number one in the U.K. for what seemed
like 43 years?
a) One Day At A Time Sweet Jesus.
b) Oh Sweet Lord
c) I'm A Donkey Shagging Nymphobunny With Stirrups On My Knickers.
4. A-Ha! were originally going to be called:
a) O-Ho
b) Uh-huh
c) We Are Three Mincing Norwegians
5. Noddy Holders voice sounds like:
a) A warthog having it's testicles buffed up with an electric sander.
b) A Formula One racing car suddenly being slung into reverse at 130 MPH.
c) A Panther falling down a moving escalator whilst being buggered by a
gorilla.
6. Complete the following lyric - 'I didn't know I loved you till I saw you...'
a) Rock 'n' Roll
b) Touch your forehead with your tongue
c) Suck a hard boiled egg up a hosepipe and swallow it whole.
7. Madonna is popular because:
a) She writes good songs.
b) She's excellent in concert.
c) She never misses a single opportunity to get her tits out and talk dirty.
8. The BBC persists in screening Top Of The Pops because:
a) The BBC is run by a bunch of chinless, out of touch gits who wouldn't
recognise a decent music show if it whacked them round the back of the
head with a large haddock and stapled their foreskins to their upper
lips.
b) It's either that or an hour long episode of Eastenders.
c) They think we're all a bunch of pre-pubescent cretins who enjoy watching
people mime to records we don't even like.
9. In his spare time Cliff Richard likes to:
a) Play tennis
b) Practise Christianity
c) Lie on a tigerskin rug with his pants full of butter while a shaven
puffin pecks at his nipples.
10. Frank Zappa called his son Dweezel because:
a) He hates him.
b) He did so much acid in the 60's that he doesn't know his arse from a
South American tree frog.
c) He figured he was going to have such a ridiculous surname anyway that it
didn't really matter.
And now! Complete this tiebreaker in no more than 100 words...
I think Stock, Aitken and Waterman ought to have a nuclear warhead shoved up
their collective arseholes because...
-= music =-= 17 =-------------------------------------------------------------
Glossary Of Musical Terms
Accent: An unusual manner of pronunciation, e.g. "Y'all sang that real good!"
Accidentals: Wrong notes
Ad Libitum: A premiere.
Agitato: A string player's state of mind when a peg slips in the middle of a
piece.
Agnus dei: A famous female church composer.
Allegro: Leg fertilizer.
Altered Chord: A sonority that has been spayed.
Atonality: Disease that many modern composers suffer from. The most prominent
symptom is the patient's lacking ability to make decisions.
Augmented fifth: A 36-ounce bottle.
Bar Line: A gathering of people, usually among which may be found a musician or
two.
Beat: What music students to do each other with their musical instruments. The
down beat is performed on the top of the head, while the up beat is struck
under the chin.
Bravo: Literally, "How bold!" or "What nerve!" This is a spontaneous
expression of appreciation on the part of the concertgoer after a
particularly trying performance.
Breve: The way a sustained note sounds when a violinist runs out of bow.
Broken consort: When somebody in the ensemble has to leave and go to the
restroom.
Cadence: When everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't.
Cadenza: The heroine in Monteverdi's opera "Frottola".
Cantus firmus: The part you get when you can only play four notes.
Chansons de geste: Dirty songs.
Chord: Usually spelled with an "s" on the end, means a particular type of
pants, e.g. "He wears chords."
Chromatic Scale: An instrument for weighing that indicates half-pounds.
Clausula: Mrs. Santa.
Coloratura Soprano: A singer who has great trouble finding the proper note, but
who has a wild time hunting for it.
Compound Meter: A place to park your car that requires two dimes.
Con Brio: Done with scouring pads and washboards.
Conductor: A musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.
Conductus: The process of getting Vire into the cloister.
Counterpoint: A favorite device of many Baroque composers, all of whom are
dead, though no direct connection between these two facts has been
established. Still taught in many schools, as a form of punishment.
Countertenor: A singing waiter.
Crescendo: A reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.
Crotchet: 1) A tritone with a bent prong. 2) It's like knitting, but it's
faster. 3) An unpleasant illness that occurs after the Lai, if prolation is
not used.
Cut time: When you're going twice as fast as everybody else in the ensemble.
Da capo al fine: I like your hat!
Detache: An indication that the trombones are to play with the slides removed.
Di lasso: Popular with Italian cowboys.
Discord: Not to be confused with Datcord.
Drone: The sound of a single monk during an attack of Crotchet.
Ductia: 1) A lot of mallards. 2) Vire's organum.
Duration: Can be used to describe how long a music teacher can exercise
self-control.
Embouchre: The way you look when you've been playing the Krummhorn.
English horn: A woodwind that got its name because it's neither English nor a
horn. Not to be confused with French horn, which is German.
Espressivo: Close eyes and play with a wide vibrato.
Estampie: What they put on letters in Quebec
Fermata: A brand of girdle made especially for opera singers.
Fermented fifth: What the percussion players keep behind the tympani, which
resolves to a 'distilled fifth', which is what the conductor uses backstage.
Fine: That was great!
Flute: A sophisticated pea shooter with a range of up to 500 yards, blown
transversely to confuse the enemy.
Garglefinklein: A tiny recorder played by neums.
Glissando: The musical equivalent of slipping on a banana peel. Also, a
technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.
Gregorian chant: A way of singing in unison, invented by monks to hide snoring.
Half Step: The pace used by a cellist when carrying his instrument.
Harmonic Minor: A good music student.
Harmony: A corn-like food eaten by people with accents (see above for
definition of accent).
Hemiola: A hereditary blood disease caused by chromatics.
Heroic Tenor: A singer who gets by on sheer nerve and tight clothing.
Hocket: The thing that fits into a crochet to produce a rackett.
Hurdy-gurdy: A truss for medieval percussionists who get Organistrum.
Interval: How long it takes you to find the right note. There are three kinds:
Major Interval: a long time; Minor Interval: a few bars; Inverted Interval:
when you have to back one bar and try again.
Intonation: Singing through one's nose. Considered highly desirable in the
Middle Ages
Isorhythm: The individual process of relief when Vire is out of town.
Isorhythmic motet: When half of the ensemble got a different photocopy than the
other half
Lai: What monks give up when they take their vows.
Lamentoso: With handkerchiefs.
Lasso: The 6th and 5th steps of a descending scale.
Lauda: The difference between shawms and krummhorns
Longa: The time between visits with Vire.
Major Triad: The name of the head of the Music Department. (Minor Triad: the
name of the wife of the head of the Music Department.)
Mean-Tone Temperament: One's state of mind when everybody's trying to tune at
the same time.
Messiah: An oratorio by Handel performed every Christmas by choirs that believe
they are good enough, in cooperation with musicians who need the money.
Metronome: A dwarf who lives in the city.
Minim: The time you spend with Vire when there is a long line. Breve: The
time you spend when the line is short.
Minnesinger: A boy soprano or Mickey's girlfriend in the opera.
Modulation: "Nothing is bad in modulation."
Motet: Where you meet Vire if the cloister is guraded.
Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff till you find it
again. Also known as 'faking'.
Neums: Renaissance midgets
Opus: A penguin in Kansas.
Orchestral suites: Naughty women who follow touring orchestras.
Ordo: The hero in Tolkien's "Lord of the Rings".
Organistrum: A job-related hazard for careless medieval percussionists, caused
by getting one's tapper caught in the clapper.
Organum: You may not participate in the Lai without one.
Paralell organum: Everybody standing in a double line, waiting for Vire.
Pause: A short period in an individual voice in which there should be relative
quiet. Useful when turning to the next page in the score, breathing,
emptying the horn of salvia, coughing, etc. Is rarely heard in baroque music.
Today, the minimum requirements for pauses in individual pieces are those of
the Musicians' Union (usually one per bar, or 15 minutes per hour).
Performance practise: Sex education.
Pneumatic melisma: A bronchial disorder caused by hockets.
Prolation: Precautions taken before the Lai.
Quaver: Beginning viol class.
Rackett: Capped reeds class.
Recitative: A disease that Monteverdi had.
Rhythmic drone: The sound of many monks suffering with Crotchet.
Ritornello: An opera by Verdi.
Rota: An early Italian method of teaching music without score or parts.
Rubato: Expression used to describe irregular behaviour in a performer with
sensations of angst in the mating period. Especially common amongst tenors.
Sancta: Clausula's husband.
Score: A pile of all the individual orchestral voices, transposed to C so that
nobody else can understand anything. This is what conductors follow when they
conduct, and it's assumed that they have studied it carefully. Very few
conductors can read a score.
Sine proprietate: Cussing in church.
Solesme: The state of mind after a rough case of Crotchet.
Stops: Something Bach did not have on his organ.
Supertonic: Schweppes.
Tempo: This is where a headache begins.
Tempus imperfectum: Vire had to leave early.
Tempus perfectum: A good time was had by all.
Tone Cluster: A chordal orgy first discovered by a well-endowed woman pianist
leaning forward for a page turn.
Transposition: An advanced recorder technique where you change from alto to
soprano fingering (or vice-versa) in the middle of a piece.
Trill: The musical equivalent of an epileptic seizure.
Trope: A malevolent Neum.
Trotto: An early Italian form of Montezuma's Revenge.
Tutti: A lot of sackbuts.
Vibrato: 1) The singer's equivalent of an epileptic seizure. 2) Used by singers
to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.
Virelai: A local woman known for her expertise in the Lai.
Virtuoso: A musician with very high morals.
-= music =-= 18 =-------------------------------------------------------------
Have you heard about the new radio station called WPMS?
Each month, they play two weeks of love songs, one week of blues, and one week
of ragtime.
-= music =-= 19 =-------------------------------------------------------------
What Is Blues?
by Edward Liu
(c) 1994, so don't even think about it, buddy
Three blues aint's:
o Blues ain't just about being sad
o Blues ain't just a musical form (I-IV-V chords, pentatonic scales, blah blah)
o Blues ain't got a 3rd "ain't"
Muddy Waters and Howlin' Wolf are blues. Big Bill Broonzy is blues. Robert
Johnson, Lonnie Johnson, and probably any other guitar-playing "Johnson" is
blues. The same statement can be made of any black man playing guitar named
"King", B.B. King, Albert King, and Freddie King are all blues. Don King is not
blues, but he doesn't play guitar, so the rule still holds.
Eric Clapton *IS NOT* blues. Dammit.
Buddy Guy is blues. Phil Guy is blues. Phil Collins is not blues. Albert
Collins was blues. Fat Albert is not blues, but could be with a name like that.
Big Mama Thornton was blues. Li'l Ed Williams is blues, but Robin Williams is
not blues. Charles Brown is blues, but Charlie Brown and James Brown are not
blues, which is why there is not a "Brown" rule like the "Johnson" and "King"
rules. Rufus Thomas is blues, but Dave Thomas is not blues. Anybody with an
album on Arhoolie, Alligator, or Yazoo Records is blues. Some people with an
album on Atlantic Records are blues, but they may not be getting royalties for
it.
Anybody using a stage name with any of the following keywords are blues:
"Blind," "Magic," "Guitar," "Sonny," "Junior," "Little," "Big," "Screaming,"
"Lightning," or the name of a city. This makes "Detroit Junior" doubly-blues
and "Luther 'Guitar Jr.' Johnson" triply-blues. Having the word "Blue" in your
name doesn't necessarily make you blues, although "Sugar Blue," "Bobby 'Blue'
Bland," and B.B. King ("Blues Boy" if you didn't know) are three notable
exceptions. People with animal nicknames, like Hound Dog Taylor and Howlin'
Wolf, are usually blues, but the Animals and Animal of the Muppets are not blues
(though Animal did jam once with Koko Taylor's Blues Machine). Having "blue" in
your album name or your song title does not make you blues, period.
Eric Clapton is blues sometimes. Some say he's blues, but that he's not very
good at it.
Stevie Ray Vaughan was blues. Sometimes he played rock and sometimes he
played other stuff, but he was still blues. The same can be said of Duane
Allman and Johnny Winter, except Johnny Winter isn't dead yet. Gary Moore is
not blues; he plays blues sometimes, he has played with 2 blues "King"s, and he
has a song called "Still Got the Blues For You," but he is not fundamentally
blues. The same statement applies to Jimi Hendrix, even if he does have an
album called "Blues."
The following people are not blues: Green Day, Madonna, REM, Whitney
Houston, David Lee Roth, Snoop Doggy Dogg, Garth Brooks, Michael Jackson, Walter
Cronkite, Zubin Mehta, Julie Andrews, Michael Jordan, Vanilla Ice, Bill Clinton,
Pat Boone, and Elvira. The last 5 are not even musicians, if you didn't know,
although Bill Clinton will play the saxophone every now and then. From the
previous 2 paragraphs, we see that being black does not make you blues, and
being white does not make you not blues. Tim Kaihatsu is blues, proving that
it's possible to be Asian and blues.
Eric Clapton *IS* blues. Dammit.
Any band marketed as "Alternative" is not blues. Any song that starts with
the words, "Woke up this morning" is blues. Zydeco music isn't really "pure"
blues, but it's a hell of a lot of fun. If you listen carefully enough, Ella
Fitzgerald and Mozart can be blues, just not the way you think. Country singers
are not blues, no matter how they sing about how their baby left them and even
if their songs begin with "Woke up this morning." Elevator music is not blues.
(Picture, if you dare, "Hoochie Coochie Man" with no vocals arranged for flute
and assorted strings. If you were silly enough to do this, run right out and
listen to some Muddy Waters to negate the side-effects.)
The Blues Brothers were not really blues, although one of them is promoting
the blues very heavily these days. A harmonica player is generally a good sign
of the blues, but that doesn't explain Huey Lewis. Elvis, the Beatles, and
Buddy Holly were not blues, but they learned and evolved from the blues. This
applies to the Rolling Stones and Fleetwood Mac as well, but they're not in the
past tense yet.
Eric Clapton is blues if you want him to be. This statement can apply to
just about any artist, except for those listed in paragraph 8.
Finally, BLUES-L is blues. Most of the time.
-= music =-= 20 =-------------------------------------------------------------
Music clouds the intellect but clarifies the heart. - Edward Abbey
-= music =-= 21 =-------------------------------------------------------------
A music store shopkeeper left for awhile, so he left this sign on his door:
Gone Chopin, Be Back In A Minuet
Saw this one on a door in a music school:
Out to lunch. Bach by 1. Offenbach sooner.
-= music =-= 22 =-------------------------------------------------------------
From the L.A. Times:
The Korea Broadcasting System will allow more than 700 banned songs to be played
on the radio and television. "Blowing In The Wind" had been banned as being too
subversive and "Bohemian Rhapsody" was thought to promote violence. "You Light
Up My Life" was banned because it really sucked.
-= music =-= 23 =-------------------------------------------------------------
Deteriorata
Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
Avoid quiet and passive persons unless you are in need of sleep.
Rotate your tires.
Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
And heed well their advice, even though they be turkeys.
Know what to kiss and when.
Consider that two wrongs never make a right,
But that three lefts do.
Wherever possible put people on "HOLD".
Be comforted that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
And despite the changing fortunes of time,
There is always a big future in computer maintenance.
Remember the Pueblo.
Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle and mutilate.
Know yourself. If you need help, call the FBI.
Exercise caution in your daily affairs,
Especially with those persons closest to you;
That lemon on your left for instance.
Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls,
Would scarcely get your feet wet.
Fall not in love therefore; it will stick to your face.
Carefully surrender the things of youth: birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan,
And let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
For a good time, call 606-4311.
Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog
Is finally getting enough cheese;
And reflect that whatever fortunes may be your lot,
It could only be worse in Sioux City.
You are a fluke of the Universe.
You have no right to be here, and whether you can hear it or not,
The Universe is laughing behind your back.
Therefore make peace with your God whatever you conceive him to be,
Hairy Thunderer or Cosmic Muffin.
With all its hopes, dreams, promises, and urban renewal,
The world continues to deteriorate.
Give up.
- from the National Lampoon Radio Dinner album
-= music =-= 24 =-------------------------------------------------------------
From "Late Show with David Letterman" - Tuesday, August 9, 1994
Top Ten Signs The Concert You're Attending Is Not The Real Woodstock
10. It's hosted by Ed McMahon.
9. "Amplifiers" are just enormous dixie cups.
8. Every song contains a plug for Green Giant frozen vegetables.
7. You're asked to put on a hat and sunglasses and the next thing you know,
you're being introduced as Bob Dylan.
6. One word: polkas.
5. Guy sitting next to you brought a glove and has caught three foul balls.
4. "Santana" turns out to be a jolly bearded guy with a sackful of presents.
3. They're playing "May we turn the hose on you, please?" [All night Dave
sprayed the crowd which gathers outside for each night's show with a hose.]
2. You spot Rush Limbaugh stage-diving.
1. The crowd is chanting, "Tito! Tito! Tito!"
-= music =-= 25 =-------------------------------------------------------------
Late Show with David Letterman - Monday, August 15, 1994
Top Ten Things Overheard At Woodstock '94
10. "It's cool how David Crosby can sing with a mouthful of pop-tarts"
9. "Hey, you 300,000 kids get out of my yard!"
8. "Check out Al Sharpton's tie dyed jogging suit"
7. "There's something familiar about that old naked guy covered in oatmeal - oh
my God, it's Wilford Brimley!"
6. "Looks like Letterman's hair is having a bad trip"
5. "It's a three day festival of peace, love and... Hey, which one of you mud
covered bastards stole my bank card?"
4. "Aren't you the guy who took a leak on my tent back in '69?"
3. "Run for your lives, Rush Limbaugh's in the mosh pit!"
2. "This must be bad acid! I could've sworn you said Lisa Marie Presley
married Michael Jackson!"
1. "This place is crawlin' with mud dorks"
-= music =-= 26 =-------------------------------------------------------------
Top 11 Hymns In The Hymnal Apocrypha
11. Blessed be the binder twine
10. 'Tis the gift to be sinful
9. Gladly, the cross-eyed bear
8. A Wonderbread Saviour is Jesus my Lord
7. When the rolls are served up yonder, I'll be there
6. Bringing in the cheese
5. Take my life and let it be constipated, Lord, for thee
4. Lead on, O kinky turtle
3. Come, Christians, join to sin
2. Hark, the hairy angels sing
1. Up from the gravy, a rose
-= music =-= 27 =-------------------------------------------------------------
Organizers of a pop music concert at Hong Kong Stadium announced in October 1994
that they had reached an accommodation with nearby residents who fear the loud
noise. Organizers will give out 17,500 pairs of gloves for the audience to wear
so that when they enthusiastically applaud their idols, they won't make very
much noise.
================================================================================
== MUSICIANS ===================================================================
-= musicians =-= 1 =---------------------------------------------------------
How many musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
20. 1 to do it and the other 19 to stand around and say, "I can do that!"
or
20. 1 to hold the bulb, 2 to turn the ladder, and 17 to be on the guest list.
-= musicians =-= 2 =---------------------------------------------------------
What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?
A pair of Re-bachs.
-= musicians =-= 3 =---------------------------------------------------------
What do you get if Bach falls off a horse, but has the courage to get on again
and continue riding?
Bach in the saddle again.
-= musicians =-= 4 =---------------------------------------------------------
I'll be Bach. - Johann Sebastian Schwarzenegger
-= musicians =-= 5 =---------------------------------------------------------
Three blokes die and go to heaven and queue to meet St. Peter.
StP: Hi, what's your name?
Pete: Pete.
StP: Hi, Pete. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?
Pete: 120K
StP: Wow! Tell me, Pete, what were you doing to earn that kind of money?
Pete: I was a lawyer.
StP: That's great. Come on in. (To 2nd bloke) Hi, what's your name?
Roger: Roger.
StP: Hi, Roger. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning?
Roger: 60K.
StP: Hey, that's great! Tell me, Roger:, what did you do for a living?
Roger: I was an accountant.
StP: That's very good. Come on in. (To 3rd bloke) Hi, what's your name?
John: John.
StP: Hi, John. Tell me, John, how much were you earning when you died?
John: About $13,000.
StP: Hey, that's fantastic, John! Tell me, what instrument did you play?
-= musicians =-= 6 =---------------------------------------------------------
What is brown and soft and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's first movement.
-= musicians =-= 7 =---------------------------------------------------------
Why don't they know where Mozart is buried?
Because he's Haydn!
-= musicians =-= 8 =---------------------------------------------------------
The popular Mozart is, indeed, an automatic genius, a happy unit in the social
whole. Someone, often a contemporary composer trying to address the masses, is
always remarking with approval that Mozart tailored his music for particualr
occasions, that he was just a working stiff, the Burt Bachrach of his day. But
nothing could be more foolish than to compare 18th-century Viennese culture with
our own. If Mozart were alive today, he would be dead. - Alex Ross, New York
Times, August 28, 1994
-= musicians =-= 9 =---------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs who can play 5 musical instruments?
Stump the band.
-= musicians =-= 10 =---------------------------------------------------------
What do you get when you cross a Mafia lieutenant and a performance artist?
Someone who makes you an offer you can't understand!!!
-= musicians =-= 11 =---------------------------------------------------------
Do you know how many musicians it takes to screw in a light bulb?
No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
Twenty: One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and 17 on the guest list.
-= musicians =-= 12 =---------------------------------------------------------
How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in, and one to complain that it's electrified.
-= musicians =-= 13 =---------------------------------------------------------
How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Seven; one to change and the other six to sing about how good the old one was.
-= musicians =-= 14 =---------------------------------------------------------
How many punk rocker does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his
forehead.
-= musicians =-= 15 =---------------------------------------------------------
Why did the punk rocker cross the road?
Because he stapled himself to the chicken.
-= musicians =-= 16 =---------------------------------------------------------
How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
"Hey man, I just do sound."
or
One, two, three, one, two, three.
or
One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with
a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount,
finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where
it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.
-= musicians =-= 17 =---------------------------------------------------------
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once
in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have
written that."
-= musicians =-= 18 =---------------------------------------------------------
What's musical and handy in a supermarket?
A Chopin Liszt.
-= musicians =-= 19 =---------------------------------------------------------
Knock Knock?
Who's there?
Knock Knock?
Who's there?
Knock Knock?
Who's there?
Knock Knock?
Who's there?
Philip Glass.
Or this variant:
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Philip Glass. Knock-knock.
-= musicians =-= 20 =---------------------------------------------------------
A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours
before I realized it had a scratch on it. - Emo Phillips
-= musicians =-= 21 =---------------------------------------------------------
The words of the prophets were written on the subway walls. - Simon & Garfunkel
The words of the profits were written on the studio walls. - Rush
-= musicians =-= 22 =---------------------------------------------------------
Tom Fogerty has died. He wakes up and finds himself on a stage on which a
number of instruments are set up. A door offstage opens and in walk Jimi
Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Brian Jones, John Lennon, Otis Redding, and Buddy Holly.
Each musician picks up his favorite instrument and begins tuning up.
All of the instruments are taken but, to Tom's immense pleasure, the drums.
He walks up to Jimi and says, "Man, so this is what heaven is like."
Jimi looks at him and says, "Heaven? You think this is heaven?"
At that moment, Karen Carpenter walks in, takes her seat behind the drums,
and calls out, "Okay guys, 'Close to You'. One, two, three, four..."
-= musicians =-= 23 =---------------------------------------------------------
What was John Lennon's last hit?
The pavement.
-= musicians =-= 24 =---------------------------------------------------------
Information is not knowledge, knowledge is not wisdom, wisdom is not truth,
truth is not beauty, beauty is not love, love is not music, music is The Best.
- Frank Zappa, Feb. 1988
The Very Big Stupid is a thing which breeds by eating The Future. Have you seen
it? It sometimes disguises itself as a good-looking quarterly bottom line,
derived by closing the R&D Department. - Frank Zappa, "The Real Frank Zappa",
1989
-= musicians =-= 25 =---------------------------------------------------------
Verdi goes to his first Wagner opera. When approached afterwards and asked
whether he'd liked what he'd just heard, the Maestro said, "Molto bene! Molto
bene! (pause) Molto bene. Molto bene. Si, molto bene. Molto bene! Molto
bene! (pause) Molto bene! Molto bene! Molto bene. Molto bene. etc., etc."
By analogy, there is Rossini's comment on Meyerbeer's "Robert le Diable", "This
music needs to be heard a hundred times!" (It was unclear whether the remark
was meant as a compliment; probably not, judging by other comments Rossini
made).
-= musicians =-= 26 =---------------------------------------------------------
Many people don't know that the great American composer George Gershwin loved
computers. But his brother, Ira, hated them. That is why Ira took all of
George's songs and changed the titles and words. The original titles include:
I Got Algorithm
They Can't Take That Array From Me
I Got Plenty O' Debuggin'
The Mainframe I Love
A Foggy Database
Our Love Is Here To Stack
Softwaretime
and, of course, the all-time classic:
Rhapsody In Boolean
-= musicians =-= 27 =---------------------------------------------------------
Fritz Kriesler and Rachmaninov had a recital in Carnegie Hall once. In the
middle of the music, Kriesler got lost and turned around to ask Rachmaninov,
"Where are we?"
Rachmaninov said, "Carnegie Hall, sir!"
-= musicians =-= 28 =---------------------------------------------------------
Wagner is the Puccini of music. - George Bernard Shaw
-= musicians =-= 29 =---------------------------------------------------------
Wagner's music has beautiful moments but some bad quarters of an hour.
- Rossini
-= musicians =-= 30 =---------------------------------------------------------
A tourist is sightseeing in a European city. She comes upon the tomb of
Beethoven, and begins reading the commerative plaque, only to be distracted by a
low scratching noise, as if something was rubbing against a piece of paper. She
collars a passing native and asks what the scratching sound is. The local
person replies, "Oh, that is Beethoven. He's decomposing."
-= musicians =-= 31 =---------------------------------------------------------
In a lot of rock music you hear now, there's cathartic anger in the performance,
but the philosophy, the feeling and thinking, behind it is very mushy or
studiedly vague. There's a strain of self-pity: 'I get off the hook because I
had a bad childhood.' Whereas in the '50s, it made you a dangerous threat, you
were a hoodlum, now it makes you a victim. I kind of liked the other thing
better. - intellectual rocker Elvis Costello in Vogue magazine
-= musicians =-= 32 =---------------------------------------------------------
As heard on a Jackie "The Jokeman" Martling tape played on the Howard Stern
radio show:
A punk rocker is riding on a bus; his hair is red, blue, yellow & green. This
guy gets on the bus, sits down, and just stares at the punk rocker.
Punk rocker: What are you staring at? Haven't you ever done anything wild??!
Guy: Yes, I fucked a parrot once and I was just wondering if you could be my
son.
-= musicians =-= 33 =---------------------------------------------------------
Madonna is to music as Wonder is to bread: light, fluffy, filled with air and
totally tasteless.
-= musicians =-= 34 =---------------------------------------------------------
From Late Show with David Letterman - Tuesday, August 16, 1994
Top Ten Ways Madonna Is Celebrating Her 36th Birthday
Madonna's birthday is today.
10. Just quietly exposing herself to a few close friends.
9. Going one-on-one with members of Dream Team II.
8. Making cone-bra party hats.
7. Naked Jello shots with Boutros Boutros-Ghali.
6. Free meal at Denny's.
5. Nailing every birthday clown from here to the Mason-Dixon line.
4. Marrying Tito.
3. Three words: Sean Penn Pinata.
2. Playing horizontal "Price is Right" with Bob Barker.
1. Oil change and lube job.
-= musicians =-= 35 =---------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a Madonna video and a porn video?
The music is better in the porn video.
-= musicians =-= 36 =---------------------------------------------------------
I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours. Great song.
-= musicians =-= 37 =---------------------------------------------------------
The mayor of Santa Cruz, California, wants Grateful Dead guitarist Jerry
Garcia to pay for fans who stay at homeless shelters when the group play in the
area.
Mayor Scott Kennedy claims that on such occasions, shoplifting "skyrockets"
and tension becomes "intense".
Grateful Dead spokesman Dennis Mcnally says, "Not everyone who wears tie-dye
is a Deadhead. "Jerry Garcia is not God and does not run the Grateful Dead."
-= musicians =-= 38 =---------------------------------------------------------
What does a Dead Head say when he runs out of pot?
This music sucks.
-= musicians =-= 39 =---------------------------------------------------------
In a story on Elvis Week '94 in August 1994 in Memphis, "The Commercial Appeal"
newspaper reported its selections as the two most bizarre Elvis collectors'
memorabilia, both of which belong to Joni Mabe of Athens, Ga. One is a toenail
she claims was Elvis', picked out of a carpet in the Jungle Room during her 1983
visit to Graceland; the other is a wart that was removed from Elvis' right wrist
in 1957. She said she purchased the wart, encased in formaldehyde, from the
operating surgeon's estate in 1990.
-= musicians =-= 40 =---------------------------------------------------------
I don't know anything about music. In my line, you don't have to. - Elvis
Presley
-= musicians =-= 41 =---------------------------------------------------------
I realized my heart had abducted my mind and they were last seen headed south...
- Melissa Etheridge
-= musicians =-= 42 =---------------------------------------------------------
I'd like to thank Mum, Dad, and the rest of the family for making me the
twisted, confused queen I am. - androgynous pop star Boy George, in the liner
notes for his new CD, "At Worst...The Best of Boy George and Culture Club"
-= musicians =-= 43 =---------------------------------------------------------
Odd Band Names
Abatior Calves
Angiosperms
Another Black Skirt
Anus The Menace
Armageddon Dildo
BDSM - Big Dumb Slimey Mofo's
Babbling Professors
Banana Bones
Barbie Bones
Barney Gone Bad
Barney and the Jurassic Tabernacle Choir
Bastards From Hell
Belt Fed
Ben Dover and the Screamers
Ben Gay, Bob Straight
Ben-Wa and the Blue Balls
Big Ethel
Big Muffin Serious Band
Bill Clinton and the Bosstones
Birdshit and Bubblegum
Bladder Infection
Bladder Polyps
Blind Venetians (Chicago)
Blood Fart
Blown Grits
Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice
Bob's Your Uncle (Canada)
Bolt Upright and the Erections
Bosnian Cheer Squad
Bottom Feeder
Brady Bunch Chainsaw Massacre
Bra Straps
Breakfast Missed List
Breast Fetish
Bright Dimwits
Buddy Whashisname and the Other Fellers
Buck Naked Karate Girls
Bulemia Banquet
Bull Dike Troll
Buster Hymen and His Swingin' Organ
Butterfly Garden
Butthole Surfers
Buy This Fucking CD, You Cheap Bastard
Caution: Cars May Stop At Any Time
Charlie Don't Surf
Cheesecake Truck (Bergen, Norway)
Chicken Feel
Childbearing Hips (Austin, Texas)
Chocolate Fetus
Chocolate Overdose (Bergen, Norway)
Chunderspew
Circle Jerks
Clifford Olsen and the Playground Candymen
(Olsen is an infamous child-molester/killer)
Clownfeast
Coathanger Death Yank
Concrete Clitoris
Consider, If You Will, The Wombat (formed by members of Fondling Wombats)
Contaminated Sludge
Conway Twitty Is Dead
Cramps
Crimson Jimson
Crucifuckers
Crushed Velvet Vivisection
Cunning Stunts
Dain Brammage
Dancing with Darwin
Dangerous Curves (girl group)
Dayglow Abortions
Dead Kennedys
Deadstock
Desirable Indecency
Dingo Virgin and the Foreskins
Dining Philosophers
Dirty Dick and the Trojan Test-Pilots (Vancouver)
Dismembered Dildos (Australia)
Dr. Goodfoot and The Toxic Socks
Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem
Doggie Style
Dog Vomit
Don't Worry - Bea Arthur
Doug and the Slugs
Down Syndrome
Dracula Was Gay
Dripping Seaweed
Driver Speaks No English
Dum-Dum Boys
Elder Feces
Elvis Hitler
Fat Bitch In Winston Phillips (Los Angeles)
Fat Elvis (Boston)
Fat Lady at the Opera
Fondling Wombats
Foolworth (Germany)
Four Out Of Five Doctors and The Nurses
Frankie Goes To Hell
Free Beer (California)
Freebase Barbie
Fury In The Slaughterhouse (Germany)
Fuzzy Triangle
Galactic Prophylactic (New Orleans)
Gravel Pit Campers
Graveyard Psychedelic
Group Sex
H.I.V. and The Positives
Holiday Botchalism
Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death (Wisconsin)
Honking Mallards (Boston)
Hoof and Mouths
Horny Goats
Hull Down in Tall Grass
Hulled Down in Tall Grass
Hymen Blasters (California)
If It's White - It's Yeast
If You Don't Like Our Music, Then Fuck You
Ill Boot'n Gotti
Imperial Butt Wizards
Insect Surfers
Intestinal Gas
Intestines
Jimi was a Junkie
Jokke and the Valentiners
Johnny Peabuck and The Swining Udders
Killer Dwarfs
Killer Hayseeds
Kitty Go Boom
Lawnmower of Death
Liquid Bone Dance
Little Blue Crunchy Things
LL Ice T Hot Cool Sir Screams A-Lot
Load Bearing Members
Locomotive Gangbang (Bergen, Norway)
Loud And Obnoxious
Low Booth Overhang
Macho Bee Keepers
Marilyn Manson and the Spooky Kids (Florida)
Markie and the Unexplained Stains
Mary's Danish
Masochistic Beat
Mechanical Affection
Mogen David & The Grapes of Wrath
Monkey Brains
Morally Unencumbered
Morons Who Can't Play Worth Shit
Mouthful of Reason
Musical Dwarves (Bergen, Norway)
Naked Barbie Dolls (San Francisco)
Neds Atomic Dustbin
Not-Sensibles
Nuclear Bebop Quartet (Boston)
OOPS!
On Ramp
Our Daughter's Wedding
PAP smear
Patchwork Apple
Penetrated Nipples
Phallic Cymbals
Pluto's Gonads
Pogo Pops
Pointless Thievery
Politically Correct Gangsters
Potential Brain Damage
Psychotic Gell Cells
Public Access Patty
Pusilanimous Pygmy
Quilted Fish
Rabbit Died
Rats For Friends
Relentless Cookout (Boston)
Quagmire
Quivering Sphincters
Radio Free Idaho
Raga Rockers
Sally and the O-Rings
Sarcastic Jello
Schwarzenegger's Atomic Hemorrhoids
Scooby Doo's Over, So Why Go On Living? (Australia)
Scraping Foetus Off The Wheel (England)
Screamin' Cheetawheelies
Screaming Headless Torsos (Boston)
Screaming Hood Ornaments
Scrotum Purge
Search For Food
Sexy Chocolate (Eddie Murphy movie "Coming to America")
Sharon Tate's Baby
Silies of the Valley
Sinister Midget
Skankin' Pickle
Skeptic Tank
Skingerbread Man
Skinny Puppy
Slapmeat Johnson
Slugs
Small Dog Warning Orchestra
Social Coyotes
Somnambulistic Dream
Spewing Heads
Spleen Bishops (Peterborough, Ontario, Canada)
Spontaneous Chubby
Staff Infection
Staples 'N Soy Sauce
Steel Pigeon
Stiff
Stiff Kittens
Stiff Nipples
Stump Stompers
Sunburn Slappers
Superating Pustules
Sven And Some Guys Who Don't Speak English
Swollen Members
Tabasco Douche
Tastes Like Chicken
Tears For Men Without Seagulls
Whatever Four
30,000 Screaming Sphincters
This Band Sucks
Thousand Watt Flowerpot
Throwing Muses
Thrust Jesus
Tiger Lard
Tiny Desk Unit
Tipper and the Deadbeats
Toad The Wet Sprocket
Tong Tango
Total Passover (Jewish punk band)
Tragic Rabbit
Tranquilly Vertical to a Gurza
Trenchcoat Batmitzuah
Two Dogs Funking (South African band)
2 Live Stew
Ulterior Motive
Understandable Idiots
Uranus and the Four Moons
Urge to Anthropomorphise
Vaginal Blood Farts
Valley Solo
Vas Deferens
Vomit and the Zits (Montreal)
Vomiting Corpse
We Like Gerbil Food
We Play Shit That Would Make A Deaf Man's Ears Bleed
Weeping Tile
Wet Mounts
Who Is That Girl In The Red Dress, And Why Does She Keep Calling Me Andrew?
(British band from the 1980s)
Yeast-O-Rama
Yeah Love Swans (Bergen, Norway)
Ye Ha Wanna Have A Baba (Bergen, Norway)
Yesterday's Digestion
-= musicians =-= 44 =---------------------------------------------------------
Bands That Should Tour Together
Aeronautic Tour: The B-52's, U2, Flying Machine, Jefferson Airplane, Led
Zeppelin
Animal Tour: Animals, Alley Cats, Cat Stevens, Chipmunks, Samantha Fox, Monkees,
Temple of the Dog, Toad the Wet Sprocket
Apocalyse Tour: Apocalypse, Lawnmower of Death, MegaDeth, Napalm Death, Neds
Atomic Dustbin, Nuclear Assault, Slayer
Automotive Tour: Asleep at the Wheel, Cadillacs, The Cars, Crashtest Dummies,
Eldorados, Racer X, Traffic
Baskin Robbins Tour: Cookies, Cream, The Dixiecups
Back To The Beach Tour: Beach Boys, Butthole Surfers
Bird Watcher Tour: The Byrds, The Black Crowes, Cock Robin, Crows, Ronnie Dove,
The Eagles, The Fabulous Thunderbirds, Falcons, Flamingos, The Penguins,
Revolting Cocks
Bread Spread Tour: Green Jelly, Pearl Jam
Cheap Date Tour: Cheap Trick, Madonna, Supertramp
Colorful Tour: Deep Purple, King Crimson, Legendary Pink Dots, The Moody Blues,
Pink Floyd
Dustpan Tour: Alvin Stardust, Ziggy Stardust
Electrical Tour: AC/DC, Electric Light Orchestra, Tesla, Van der Graaf Generator
Elvis Tour: Elvis Presley, Elvis Costello
Explosive Tour: Big Audio Dynamite, Neds Atomic Dustbin, Nuclear Assault, The
Smithereens
Felons Tour: Alice in Chains, Arrested Development, Dire Straits, Free, L.A.
Guns, The Police, Public Enemy, Quiet Riot, Scandal, House of Pain
Food Fair Tour: Cookies, Cream, Ice Cube, Ice-T, Lemonheads, MeatLoaf, Smashing
Pumpkins, The Sugar Cubes
Gossips Tour: The Call, Echo and the Bunnymen, Simple Minds, Talking Heads, Talk
Talk
Workers Tour: Mike and The Mechanics, Men at Work, UB40 (British unemployment
form)
Insect Tour: Beatles, Crickets, The Scorpions, The Spiders from Mars
Institutionalized Tour: Soul Asylum, Suicidal Tendencies, 10,000 Maniacs
It's Not The Size That Counts Tour: Little Feat, Little Richard, The Small
Faces, Tiny Tim
Lemonade Tour: Ice Cube, Ice-T, The Sugar Cubes, Lemonheads
Lumberjack Tour: Nine Inch Nails, Screaming Trees, Stump
Metal Tour: Iron Butterfly, Metallica, Steely Dan
Medical Tour: Heart, The Spin Doctors, Throb
Michael and His Little Friends Tour: Michael Jackson, New Kids on the Block,
Little Richard, Tiny Tim
Moron Tour: Dirty Rotten Imbeciles, The Stupids
Navel Tour: Belly, The Buttons
Orgasmic Tour: Climax, Cream, The Pretenders
Oxygen Tour: Breathe, Air Supply
Population Tour: 10,000 Maniacs, Crowded House
Positive Attitudes Tour: Dee-Lite, Genesis, Rush, Survivor, U2, Yes
Religion Tour: Amen Corner, Atheist, Believer, The Church, Faith No More,
Marianne Faithful, Genesis, The Jesus and Mary Chain, Jesus Jones, Judas
Priest, Ministry, Mission of Burma, Mission U.K., Alan Parsons, Sisters of
Mercy
Repeaters Tour: David David, Duran Duran, Mr. Mister, The The, Talk Talk
Royality Tour: Carol King, Elvis, The Kings, BB King, King Crimson, Kingdom
Come, Kings X, Prince, Princess, Queen, Queensryche
Rubenesque Tour: Chubby Checker, Fats Domino
Shampoo Tour: Split Enz playing songs from musicals "Grease" and "Hair"
Statesman Tour: Alabama, Boston, Chicago
Strange Bedfellows Tour: Fine Young Cannibal & Missing Persons, Meatloaf &
Cream, Styx & Stones, Squeeze & Hooters, Firehouse & fIREhOSE, The Spinners
& The Four Tops, RUN DMC & The Walkabouts, Rush & The Midnight Slows, Sex
Pistols & The Breeders, Suicidal Tendencies & Grateful Dead, The Doors & The
Windows, The Fixx & Lords Of Acid, Triumph & Failure
Toxic Tour: Anthrax, Biohazard, The Cure, Leprosy, Poison, Sting, Venom,
Whitesnake
Travelers Tour: Asia, Foreigner, Europe, Journey, The Jefferson Starship
Unwelcome House Guests Tour: Bad Company, Butthole Surfers, Dead Kennedys,
Dogzilla, Stranglers, Tears for Fears, Milli Vanilli & Scritti Politti
Van Tour: Vandals, Van Halen, Vanilla Fudge, Vanilla Ice, Vanity, Van Morrison,
Van Zandt, Vandenberg, Vanessa Williams
Vermin Tour: Ratt, Poison
Worshippers Tour: The Cult, Death Angel, The Mormon Tabernacle Choir, Satan
-= musicians =-= 45 =---------------------------------------------------------
Real musicians don't die, they just decompose.
Altos are sandwiched between sopranos and tenors.
Altos have body.
Bach did it with the organ.
Band members do it all night.
Band members do it in a parade.
Band members do it in front of 100,000 people.
Band members do it in public.
Band members do it in sectionals.
Band members do it on the football field.
Basses and altos do it lower.
Basses have rhythm.
Beethoven did it apassionately.
Beethoven was the first to do it with a full orchestra.
Choir boys do it unaccompanied.
Cymbal players do it with a crash.
DJs do it on request.
DJs do it on the air.
Drummers beat it.
Drummers do it in 4/4 time.
Drummers do it longer.
Drummers do it on their heads.
Drummers do it with both hands and feet.
Drummers do it with rhythm.
Drummers pound it.
FM Disc Jockeys do it in stereo and with high fidelity.
Frank Sinatra does it his way.
Music hackers do it at 3 am.
Music hackers do it audibly.
Music hackers do it in concert.
Music hackers do it in scores.
Music hackers do it with more movements.
Music hackers do it with their organs.
Music hackers want to do it in realtime.
Musicians do it with rhythm.
Musicians duet together.
Piano players have faster fingers
Piano students learn on their teachers' instruments.
Singers do it with their diaphragms.
Sopranos and tenors do it higher.
Sopranos do it in unison.
Tenors have breath control.
Trombone players do it in 7 positions.
Trombones do it faster.
Trombonists use more positions.
Trumpet players blow the best.
Trumpet players do it with a fanfare.
Tuba players do it with big horns.
Tubas do it deeper.
Violinists do it gently.
Violists do it alone.
Violoncellists do it low.
Virtuosi appreciate it.
Vocalists are good in their mouths.
Woodwind players do it in the reeds.
-= musicians =-= 46 =---------------------------------------------------------
Top Ten Asian Rock Groups
10. Toyota the Wet Sprocket
9. Screaming Bonsais
8. Rice-Cube
7. KimCheecago
6. Snoop Doggy Dogg-eater
5. Sushi and the Banshees
4. Pearl Harbor Jam
3. Too Short (you know, the rapper?)
2. Raw Phish
1. Slantana
-= musicians =-= 47 =---------------------------------------------------------
Guns N' Roses guitarist Slash is the new Pinball Wizard. He has developed
his own pinball machine based on the hard rocking group.
Slash says, "There's been games for movies and cartoon characters lately, but
there hadn't been a good rock 'n' roll machine for years; one with the guys in a
band, chicks, music. This one is also the loudest pinball machine ever built."
The machine also mirrors life in the troubled band.
Slash explains, "The object is to get all six band members on stage. With
Guns N' Roses, sometimes that takes awhile."
-= musicians =-= 48 =---------------------------------------------------------
Police raided the London, England offices of A&M Records on Tuesday after their
new act Dodgy sent out packets of cannabis seeds to promote the album Homegrown.
An A&M spokesman says, "We weren't breaking the law. It's only illegal if anyone
plants the seeds."
-= musicians =-= 49 =---------------------------------------------------------
From David Letterman; Wednesday, August 3, 1994
Top Ten Things Overheard At The Rolling Stones Concert
[The Stones kicked off their "Voodoo Lounge" tour in D.C.]
10. I love it when they smash their walkers at the end of a song.
9. The Medic Alert beepers are drowning out the music.
8. Look! The new guy on bass! It's Matlock!
7. He means, time was on their side.
6. Start me up! I'm serious! This isn't part of the song!
5. It looks like a comet smashed into Keith Richards.
4. Cool! Jagger's teeth just landed in my lap!
3. What's Letterman doing up there with a fiddle?" [followed by famous clip of
guy who looks like Dave playing a fiddle and singing "Camptown Ladies.">
2. Michael Jackson married? Please...!
1. I can't get no Met-a-muc-il.
-= musicians =-= 50 =---------------------------------------------------------
From David Letterman; Monday, January 23, 1995
Top Ten Names For The Rolling Stones' Tour
10. Van Full of Grandpas
9. The Rolling Stones Live Plus Keith Richards
8. Guitar-Playin' Geezers
7. Brown Sugar and Lots of Bran
6. Metamusic
5. The "140 Million In the Bank Isn't Enough" Tour
4. Cocoon 3
3. Hey! You! Get Offa My Barcalounger!
2. "Instruments Hooked Up to the Clapper" Tour
1. Grumpy Old Men
[Music: "The Flintstones" theme]
-= musicians =-= 51 =---------------------------------------------------------
Sure thing, man, I used to be a laboratory myself once. - Keith Richard on
being asked to autograph a fan's school chemistry book
-= musicians =-= 52 =---------------------------------------------------------
Ladies and gentlemen, I've suffered for my music. Now it's your turn. - Neil
Innes (the songwriter for Monty Python's Flying Circus)
-= musicians =-= 53 =---------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a male quartet?
Three men and a tenor.
-= musicians =-= 54 =---------------------------------------------------------
From David Letterman; Friday, February 17, 1995
Top Ten Things That Sound Better When Sung By A Barbershop Quartet
[Presented by the Westchester Airs barbershop quartet]
10. We're not wearing underpants!
9. Hey! Does this look infected to you?
8. Lance Ito is neato!
7. My friend Jimmy was crushed by a giant squid!
6. We're freezing our asses off in here!
5. Letterman, in person, you're one ugly bastard!
4. Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Ghali!
3. Give me your wallet or I'll kick you in the groin!
2. Good Lord almighty, this taxicab smells like urine!
1. Bite me! Bite me! Bite me!
[Music: "Sweet Adeline">
================================================================================
== PHONE SONGS =================================================================
-= phone songs =-= 1 =-------------------------------------------------------
Songs you can play on a touch-tone phone.
Commas are pauses, hyphens are held notes.
-= phone songs =-= 2 =-------------------------------------------------------
Mary Had A Little Lamb
3212333, 222, 399, 3212333322321
or
3212333, 222, 133, 3212333322321
-= phone songs =-= 3 =-------------------------------------------------------
Jingle Bells
333, 333, 39123, 666-663333322329, 333, 333, 39123, 666-6633, 399621
-= phone songs =-= 4 =-------------------------------------------------------
Frere Jacques
1231, 1231, 369, 369, 9*9631, 9*9631, 111, 111
-= phone songs =-= 5 =-------------------------------------------------------
Olympic Fanfare
3-9-91231, 2222-32112312, 3-9-91231, 2222-32112321
-= phone songs =-= 6 =-------------------------------------------------------
The Butterfly Song
963, 23621, 3693236236932362, 963, 23621
-= phone songs =-= 7 =-------------------------------------------------------
Happy Birthday
112, 163, 112, 196, 110, 8521, 008, 121
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