Canonical Redneck

About a year ago, I saw a comedian named Jeff Foxworthy. He did a comedy
special, and part of his act was about rednecks... He had a list of things,
that if true, may mean that you were a redneck.

I've spent the last 8 years, either in the Air Force, or working for them, and
have many friends of the `southern persuasion'. We constantly slam each other
with friendly little quips, and one of my favorites, is to pick on them being
`REDNECKS'... Jeff Foxworthy's show gave me lots of good material to start
off with, and I have come up with many of my own... what follows is a
Canonical list of what I can remember from his act, as well as my own
contributions, and those I've skimmed off the net... If you have any others,
Please send them to me, I will post them periodically with all updates...

Updates are posted to rec.humor and rec.humor.d once a month (within the first
week) and occasionally to other groups who might not check rec.humor but would
probably know more redneck humor than I do (boards where rednecks hang out :)

+ New enteries since the last posting are marked with a + at the begining for
+ those that read the list regularly...

Thanx... Jeff

CANONICAL LIST OF REDNECK JOKES

YOU'RE PROBABLY A REDNECK IF ....................

1. More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
2. Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
3. You've ever used lard in bed.
4. Your home has more miles on it than your car.
5. You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
6. There is a stuffed pposum anywhere in your house.
7. You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
8. Fewer than half of your cars run.
9. Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the
State Trooper to kiss her ass.
10. The primary color of your car is "bondo".
11. You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive
tongue gestures.
12. You stand under the misteletoe at christmas and wait for Granny and cousin
Sue-Ellen to walk by.
13. Your family tree doesn't fork.
14. Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
15. Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
17. You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
18. The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
19. The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
20. Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
21. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit"
was snubbed for best picture.
22. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of
ketchup.
23. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
24. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
25. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
26. You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
27. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
28. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
29. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
30. Your favorite christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.
31. You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
32. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the hell are
you looking at, Shithead?"
33. You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
34. You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
35. The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!"
"HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin?" (If they respond with the same... they're
a redneck too!)
36. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
37. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on
the lube rack.
38. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
39. You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
40. You've been too drunk to fish.
41. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
42. You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
43. You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
44. You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'
45. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
46. Your riches relative invites you over to his new home to
help him remove the wheels and skirt.
47. You've ever financed a tattoo.
48. Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
49. You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
50. You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
51. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
52. Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
53. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
54. The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
55. Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
56. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those
Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
57. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
58. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
59. Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
60. You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
61. Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
62. You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
63. You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occassions.
64. You have to scratch your sisters name out of the message: "for a good
time call . .", because you feel guilty about putting it there...
65. Redman sends you a Christmas card.
66. You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
67. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
68. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
69. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
70. You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia
on My Mind".
71. You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
72. You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made
it in prison.
73. You have been fired from a construction job because of your
appearance.
74. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the
House of Tattoos.
75. You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
76. After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
77. The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the
4-H Fair.
78. You have flowers planted in a bathromm appliance in your front yard.
79. Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."
80. Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
81. You mow your lawn and find a car.
82. If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting
on shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
83. You go christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you
only need to buy one gift.
84. You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the
South will rise again.
85. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
86. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
87. You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
88. You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
89. You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid
flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
90. There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your
truck.
91. You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".
92. You've ever made change in the offering plate.
93. If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year,"
94. You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left
arm below the shirt sleeve...
95. You own at least 20 baseball hats.
96. You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a
baseball hat.
97. You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
98. When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!
99. Your biggest ambition in live is to "git thet big'ole coon. The one
what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah bubba's barn..."
100. Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
101. When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the
Beurau of Alcohol Tobbaco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry
about is if you can loose them or not.
102. you have 5 cars that are immobile and house that is!
103. You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end"
104. "Honey? Are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is the parking
brake set?" is what you hear right before you and your wife/girl
make love
105. Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
106. You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...)
107. You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertable top.
108. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
109. You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
110. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
111. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
112. You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
113. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your
fireplace.
114. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
116. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
117. The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Placces'
118. It's Easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
119. You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the
three of the primary colors.
120. You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend
your sister's honor.
121. You idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
122. Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
123. The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
124. Yer mom calls ya over t'help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house
125. The ASPCA raids yer kitchen
126. Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so ya can get
grandma a new plug of tobacco
127. Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle
128. Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against
it.
129. Ya celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)
130. You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado,
131. You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!
132. When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your
jeans.
133. Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of
the wheels off his doublewide (in memory of Chris "No House" Skowronski)...
134. Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your
home town.
135. You know you're a redneck if you wake up with both a black eye and a
hickey.
136. Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas
in the truck.
137. "Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at
the local bar.
138. Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got
the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
139. You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
140. You're moved to tears everytime you hear Dolly Parton singing
"I Will Always Love You".
141. Dolly Parton reminds you of the `Grand Tetons'. (of course this is
a very sophisticated sophisticated redneck joke... if you laughed...
you must be a redneck, only they will get this one.)
142. You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
143. Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
(Clinton true-life story)
145. The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty
record collection (you insurance man is one too if he pays you for it).
146. You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with
Alan Jackson.
147. You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
148. You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose! "
149. You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
150. Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
151. You've ever parked a Camero in a tree.
152. Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
153. Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
154. The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much
gas it has in it.
155. Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom
was flooded.
156. On your job application under "SEX" you put "As often as possible".
157. During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
158. You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets
light.
159. On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the
tractor.
+160. Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!".
+161. You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deerhunting.
+162. In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?".
+163. Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
+164. You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are
"Gentlemen, start your engines." or "Play Ball..."
+165. Your child's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers!".
+166. Your wife's best pair of shoes are steel-toed Red Wings.
+167. You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
+168. You bring your dog to work with you.

XXX. You actually get offended by Jeff Foxworthy's CD "You Might Be A Redneck"
(or this posting) ;-)

WARNING: IF TWENTY OR MORE OF THE ABOVE ARE TRUE ABOUT YOU....
YOU ARE A REDNECK, AND SHOULD SEEK CIVILIZED HELP IMMEDIATELY...

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+
A college kid from up north got hopelessly lost in the backwoods trying to take
a short-cut home for the holidays. He finally came upon a lone farm house and
saw an Old Hillbilly sitting on the front porch in a rocking chair. He went up
to the Old Hillbilly to get directions:

Student: "Excuse me sir, but, could you tell me how to get to
Smithville ?"
Old Hillbilly: "Sorry, young fellow, but, I never heered of it."
Student: "Well, could you tell me how to get back to the Interstate?"
Old Hillbilly: "Ah, what's this here Inter-state thing?"
Student: "It's the main road going north and south - a super highway."
Old Hillbilly: "A super road you say. Didn't know there was one."
Student: "You sure don't know much about whats going on, do you?"
Old Hillbilly: "Maybe not, young fellow, but, then again -- I ain't lost."
Student (not knowing when to leave bad enough alone): "I've been told
that you old backwoodsmen are pretty smart even though you haven't had
much schooling."
Old Hillbilly: "Could be. Though I did attend school back in ought 7 and 8."
Student: "Well sir, I am a college student and I wonder if you would
mind having a contest with me to see which of us is the smarter?"
Old Hillbilly: "Wouldn't mine atall - what you got in mind?"
Student: "How about if we take turns asking each other questions until
one of us can't answer."
Old Hillbilly: "And what did you say the stakes were?"
Student: "Well, I didn't - but if you want to play for money - let's
say one dollar a question."
Old Hillbilly: "Seems to me - you being a college student and all - that
you put up a dollar and I put up fifty cents."
Student: "Thats fine with me. You start."
Old Hillbilly: "Okey. What has three legs, is purple, and barks like a dog ?"
Student: (after a long pause) "I don't know. Here's your dollar. But,
what does have three legs, is purple, and barks like a dog ?"
Old Hillbilly: "Danged if I know - here's your fifty cents."

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+
Bubba-Joe had a nice little shack in Kentucky, a cabin up in the mountains
and a pretty easy job. He'd just turned 50 and was becoming concerned that
his stamina was declining, he couldn't paddle the fishin boat as long, and
he almost passed out from exhaustion 1/2 way to the hunting cabin, but worst
of all was his wife... she complained that his performance in the bedroom
was lacking in energy. She continuosly badgered him about, until one day he
couldn't take it any more, and went to see a doctor:

Doc: "Well Bubba-Joe, you're a might on a heavy sah-d, yer tuckered purty
quick too, but yer jest a bit outta shape. Start jogg'n lahk 'em
city folks do.... 5 miles a day. It outta improve yer stamina."

Well, Bubba-Joe was a confirmed Couch-potatoe, and a dedicated WWF fan,
but reluctantly agreed to do it (rather than put up with his wife's constant
nagging). About 2 weeks later the Doctor got a call from Bubba-Joe:

Doc: "Hey there Bubba-Joe, How you feelin?"
B-J: "Purty Good Doc, Ah think you was right! Ah's gitt'n purty good shape!"
Doc: "Excellent, the missus leave off naggin now that yer sex life's improoved?"
B-J: "Well it ain't improoved yet. Gimme another seven days tho, cause I'm
almost ta Nashville, with my new body, Ah'm shore it'll pick up there."

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+
Loyd, the new employee at the consruction site was habitually late. Finnally,
the foreman called him in. "Loyd Don't you know what time we go to work
here?" he shouted. "No, sir," was the reply, "I haven't been able to
figure it out yet, because the rest of you are already here."

Q: What do they call it in Kentucky?
A: `Life Styles Of The Rich And Famous'

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+
Didja hear about the RedNeck girl who moved to Detroit and became
a secretary for a motorcompany? She saw memo's about tail assemblies, and
thought they were talking about company picnics.

Q: How do you get 12 RedNecks out of a phone booth?
A: Toss in a bar of soap
A: Throw in a copy of GQ

Q: How do you get them Back in AGAIN?
A: Toss a plug inside
A: Tell 'em Hulk Hogan is calling back

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+
Two RedNecks standing around on a sheep farm, during the coldest winter
they've had in years. Red turns to Bo and confessed that he really couldn't
wait til it was time to shear the flocks.

The other nodded, rubbibg his hands together in anticipation. "It'll be
great selling the wool, and spending the money on Whiskey and beer, wi-men
and pool... won't it?"

"Nawh... That ain't it," said Red. "Ah just cain't WAIT ta see'em NAKED!"

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+
When Bobby turned 16, his big brother Luke decided to turn him into a `Real
Man'. Luke took Bobby down to the local whorehouse and explained to Bobby:
"Yer gonna be a `Real Man' now... No more chasen yer sister, or hide'n in the
barn. Thair's real wi-men in thair, now go git one." and sent him inside.

Once inside, Bobby explained to the madam that he needed a `Real Woman' so he
could become a `Real Man'. The madam smiled at him: "Don't worry, my boy,
we'll get a nice lass ta take care of ya" she promised. "Ya just do your part
and make sure ya wear one of these." at that, the madam took a condom out of a
drawer, unwrapped it, and showed him how to put it on, by rolling it down over
her thumb.

Bobby, properly armed, parted with the money his brother gave him, and dashed
up the stairs to Room Twelve, where a cheerful farmgirl quickly showed him the
ropes. After he'd come, a from passed over her face. "The #$^% rubber must
have torn," she muttered. "I'm as soaked as a swamp..."

"Oh no it didn't M'am" Bobby offered heartily, holding up his thumb as
evidence. "It's as good as new..."

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+
Suzy-Mae was your typical down home RedNeck kinda gal, who moved out to
Hollywood. She had great dreams of being discovered and becoming "A famous
Movie Star like Dolly and Kenny..." Alas, she found niether fame nor glory,
but instead pleanty of men that wanted to enjoy her plentiful charms. One day
she was served a summons for court, it appeared that she had been named in a
divorce case.

When Suzy-Mae's turn to take the stand came, the prosecutor stepped forward:
"Miss Suzy-Mae Kincade, the defedant's wife has identified you as `the other
womman' in her husband's life, and is now suing foro divorce. Now, do you
admit or denie, that you went to the PriceRite Motel with Mr Caruthers?"

"Well, Yes..." Acknowledged Suzy-Mae with a sniff and a sob, "But Ah couldn't
help it!"

"Couldn't help it?" Asked the wife's lawyer derisively. "How's that?!?"

"Mr Caruthers deceived Me!" She pouted.

"Exactly what so you mean Miss Kincade?" The lawyer asked, on the verge of out
right laughter.

"Well, Ya see, when we signed in" She explanded indignantly, "He tole the
Motel clerk that Ah! was his wife!"

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+
I have to say, your list of redneck jokes, etc.. is an absolute classic!!!
I'm from W.V., so I'm allowed to say that!! If I find more, I'll tell you.
Please keep me anonymous.

I might as well tell you one on myself. About 1 1/2 months ago, a man in east
Tennessee was arrested for having sex with (you might guess) a dog. My
semi-philosophical nature led me into a discussion about this with my
roommate. While the first statement out of my mouth in response to him
telling me about this was intended to be an enquiry of animal rights, natural
rights, and questioning authority for making a moral judgement, I quickly
realized my error only after responding: "Why? It wasn't his dog?" My
roommate just laughed and reminded me that only someone from West Virginia
could have made that response.

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+
A hillbilly kid marries his childhood sweetheart (literally if you know what
I mean). Their honeymoon was to take place in a special hunting lodge which
is only accessible by train. They get to the station where they wait for 5
hours. Everybody there is getting a little miffed.

The bride realizes that she needs to go to the little girls room, and upon
returning, she's crying hysterically. Her husband asks her what was up.
After a lot of effort, she says, "As I was waiting in line to use the
bathroom, I overheard a couple of hunters say that if the train doesn't get
here soon, the f****n season will be over.

The Grayte State uh Teksus defines: Aukerd- clumsy, inept, embarrassing. "Ah
shore felt aukerd when thuh outhouse wall fayul down."- awkward

Cawdja-past tense of "cawya". "Herd Joe cawdja last night."-Called you

Code-opposite of hot. "Ah gotta code."- cold

Cuz-normally comes before reason. "Ah didunt go ovur tuh town cuz Ah habumt
got no money."- because

Everwonsinawhahl-periodically, but frequently. "Ah git tuh drahv mah Pappa's
pickem'up truk evurwonsinawhahl."- ever once in a while

Frayed- an affirmative or negative response. "Ahm frayed so." or "Ahm frayed
not."- afraid

Guf- a large body of water for which a previously named large and independent
oil company was named ( since bought out). "Thuh closest thang waygot tuh un
oshun iz thuh Guf uh Messyco"- gulf

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+
Q: How many rednecks from does it take to bake chocolate chip cookies?
A: Three. One to mix the batter, and his two inbred daughters to peel the
M&M's.

A: So when they're screwing calves in the bed of their pickups:
#1 They can put a hind leg in each boot and the tail in the belt buckle, thus
freeing their hands for a Coors (Jack Daniels, etc.) and a spit cup.
#2 The fear of falling from the back of the absurdly high bed encourages the
calf to push back.

The scene is a big football game between the University of Georgia and Georgia
State. The stadium is packed, the game is being shown on national television.

Georgia's mascot, a bulldog named UGA, is crossing the field, when suddenly,
oblivious to the fact that thousands of fans, and millions more at home are
watching, he stops right there on the 50-yard line, and commences to lick
himself in the manner in which male dogs are wont to lick themselves.

Two good-ole-boys, Bubba and Earl are sitting in the stands. Bubba elbows
Earl and says to him, "Dang! Will you look at that! Wish I could do that!"

Earl turns to him and says, "That dawg would bite you!"

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How many country singers does it take to change a lightbulb????

Five. One to change it and four to sing about how much they miss the old one.

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What are the three biggest lies a Red Neck male says?

1. No, I really have a diploma.
2. No, she's not my cousin.
3. Honest officer I was only trying to help the sheep over the fence.

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MEDICAL TERMINOLOGY FOR REDNECKS:
TERM DEFINITION
-------------------------------------------------------------------
ARTERY THE STUDY OF FINE PAINTINGS
BARIUM WHAT YOU DO WHEN CPR FAILS
BENIGN WHAT YOU ARE AFTER YOU BE EIGHT
CESAREAN SECTION A DISTRICT IN ROME
COLIC A SHEEP DOG
COMA A PUNCTUATION MARK
CONGENITAL FRIENDLY
DILATE TO LIVE LONG
FESTER QUICKER
G.I. SERIES BASEBALL GAMES BETWEEN TEAMS OF SOLDIERS
GRIPPE A SUITCASE
HANGNAIL A COAT HOOK
MEDICAL STAFF A DOCTOR'S CANE
MINOR OPERATION COAL DIGGING
MORBID A HIGHER OFFER
NITRATE LOWER THAN DAY RATE
NODE WAS AWARE OF
ORGANIC CHURCH MUSICIAN
OUTPATIENT A PERSON WHO HAS FAINTED
POST-OPERATIVE A LETTER CARRIER
PROTEIN IN FAVOR OF YOUNG PEOPLE
SECRETION HIDING ANYTHING
SEROLOGY STUDY OF ENGLISH KNIGHTHOOD
TABLET A SMALL TABLE
TUMOR AN EXTRA PAIR
URINE OPPOSITE OF YOU'RE OUT
VARICOSE VEINS VEINS WHICH ARE VERY CLOSE TOGETHER

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Q: What do you call the layer of sweat between two rednecks having sex?
A: Relative Humidity.

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NEWS FLASH: The teachers' strike in WV has been settled: The dispute was
over sex education. It has been agreed that sex education will be taught on
Tuesdays and Thursdays. On Monday, Wednesday and Friday, drivers' ed. gets
the car.

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The state government of WV is suing the Detroit car makers: They want them
to put the dimmer switch back on the floor because too many West Virginans
are getting their feet tangled up in the steering wheel and causing wrecks.

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How do you know when you cross the border into Texas?
Shit becomes a two-syllable word, as in

"wayel, sheeyit"

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The Canadian cowboy walked into the Calgary lingerie store and in some
embarrassment asked for a bra for his wife.

Clerk: "What size is she, sir?"

Cowboy: Sheepishly "7 3/8

Clerk: Bewildered "Sorry, sir, bras don't come in such sizes."

Cowboy: "But, I took the measurement myself."

Clerk: "With what did you measure?"

Cowboy: "My Stetson...."

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True story from Kentucky:

A friend's car battery needed water. She phoned the nearest
convenience store and asked, "Do you have distilled water?"

The reply: "I don't know; we just got in a new bunch of videos and I
haven't checked all the titles."

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OLD HUNTERS never die, they just stay LOADED
OLD MILKMAIDS never die, they just lose their whey
OLD TANNERS never die, they just go into hiding
OLD TRUCK DRIVERS never die; they just get a new Peterbilt
OLD WRESTLERS never die, they just lose their grip

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In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless
there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red
flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.

It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia.

According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person
shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than
fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening
of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of
the returns."

In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that
is over six feet in length.

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Rural Route #2
Fremont, NE 68025
September 8, 1987

Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington D.C.

Dear Sir:

My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, recieved a check for
$1,000.00 from the government for not raising hogs. So I want to go
into the "not raising hogs" business next year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of
farm not to raise hogs on and what is the best breed of hogs not to
raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping
with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise
razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I would
just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an
accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.

My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the
business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the
best he ever made on them was $442.00 in 1968, until this year when he
got your check for $1,000.00 for not raising hogs.

If I get $1,000.00 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000.00 for
not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first,
holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not raised, which will mean
about $80,000.00 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.

Now another thing. These hogs I will not be raising will not eat
100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for
not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not
raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to
raise?

I want to get started as soon as possible as this seems to be a good
time of the year not to raise hogs and grain.

Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me
any information on that too.

In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be
totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.

Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically yours,

Jean Partridge

P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free
cheese?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
COWBOYS handle anything horny COWGIRLS like to ride bareback
COWS do it in leather HUNTERS do it with a bang
DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck HUNTERS do it in the bush
HUNTERS do it with a big gun HUNTERS eat what they shoot
HUNTERS go deeper into the bush SHEEP do it when led astray
TRUCK DRIVERS carry bigger loads TRUCK DRIVERS do it on the road
TRUCK DRIVERS have bigger dipsticks TRUCKERS carry bigger loads
TRUCKERS have moving experiences

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In Nashville, Tennessee yesterday (2/22/94), three armed men robbed a pawn
use his truck for a getaway vehicle. Exiting the shop, they all piled into
the truck--only to discover that it had a manual transmission, which none
of the three knew how to operate.... They were last seen fleeing on foot.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the good old days, men were *real* men, women were *real* women, and
small furry animals were *real* small furry animals. You knew where you
stood. If you didn't, you planted a flag in the ground and claimed the
place for King and Country, and everyone knew where you stood.

Nowadays, men wear long hair and women wear trousers. People have sex
with other people regardless of gender or species. Men are *real* women,
women are *real* men, and small furry animals are *real* afraid.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There's this Aussie farmer visiting a new zealand farm, and in a back
paddock he comes across a New Zealander screwing a sheep. The farmer says
"Hey mate - in our country we shear our sheep" and the New Zealander
replies "get Stuffed - I'm not shearing this sheep with anyone.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Australian is visiting a New Zealand Farm, and the farmer shows him
round the chook sheds, the pig pens, the paddocks. Finally he points to a
tree about 30 meters away and tells the Aussie - "Under that tree is where
I first had sex". Then he points to another tree and says "..and thats
where her mother stood and watched us". The Australian gasps "What did she
say?" "BAAAAAaaaaaaaa

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a redneck and a good old boy?
A redneck piches his beer cans on the side of the road and a good old boy
throws them in the back of his truck.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Welcome to [insert name of place here], where the men are men and the
sheep are afraid!

Welcome to [insert name of place here], where the men are men, the
sheep are afraid and the lambs say "Daaaaaaady"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you castrate a hill billy?

A: Kick his sister in the jaw!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do True RedNecks Wear Button Fly Jeans?

A: Because sheep can hear zippers!!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Soon after completing trucking school, Billy Bob goes in to take the test
to get his CDL (commercial driver's license). Since ol' Bill was brought
up in the finest Arkansas school system, he can't read very well, so the test
is administered orally. He paid attention in trucking school, though,
and he answers all of the questions quickly and correctly--up until the
last one.

"You're starting down a steep incline at 55mph, when you notice a schoolbus
full of children stalled, blocking the road at the bottom. What do you do?

Billy Bob sits there for a minute, not answering.

"You're a quarter of the way down the hill, doing 75mph. What're you gonna do?

Again, Billy Bob doesn't answer.

"You're HALF-WAY down the hill, doing 85mph! What're you going to do?"

Still no answer.

"You're THREE QUARTERS of the way down the hill. You're doing NINETY-FIVE
MILES PER HOUR. WHAT are you GOING to do!?!?"

Billy Bob looks up. "I'm going to wake up ol' Shep."

The tester looks up, astonished. "Wake up old Shep?"

"Yep. Shep ain't never seen a wreck like we're about to have."

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Read the following: If you get it, then you read it correctly, and you
are probably a redneck. If you don't get it, you didn't read it right...
Which means you aren't a redneck... Ask me, and I'll explain it. (9 out of
10 probably won't get it...) jeff@lonexa.admin.rl.af.mil

M R DUCKS
M R NOT
O S A R C M WANGS
L I B M R DUCKS

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Trying desperately to establish the reliability and good character
of his witness, the public defender asked the boy:

"Bubba-Joe..., would ya'll please tell th-court...., is yer wid-uhd mamma
depedant on you?"

To which Bubba-Joe answered with a big 'ole smile:
"She Shore is..., Why Iff'n Ah didn go pick up the warsh'n an bring it home...
The 'ole lady'd starve ta death..."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Joe and Jim-Bob went out hunting, and that night, siting around the campfire,
they're drinking a bunch of beer... Well, as will happen, they both had to
take a piss, and wondered out into the woods to take a leak. Joe looks over
At Jim-Bob and says:
"I Shore wish I had one like mah cuzin Junior... He needs four fingers ta
hold his..."
Jim-Bob looks over and points out: "but you're usin' four fingers on yer's"
To wich Joe Replies witha sigh: "Yep, but A'hm pee'n on three of 'em..."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do Rednecks `do it' doggie-style?

A: So they can both watch WWF.
A: So they don't have to look at each other.
A: So when the guy closes his eyes he can pretend it's `Bessy' (Daddy's cow)
A: It distributes the wieght better.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why don't they teach sex education to rednecks?
A: The farm animals can't handle it.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two Rednecks working on a cattle farm, Junior and Bo...

Junior: "Gosh Bo, A'h can't wait till we start the cattle drive..."
Bo: "Yep, out on the range... Jest you an me an dem cows..."
Junior: "uh-hu... and wait till we take'em cross the river... Imagine it!"
Bo: "Yep, You an'me guidin' dem cows cross the river, keepin'em safe..."
Junior: "Yeah, an watchin'em all come out of the river all wet an shivering..."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire
estate in trust for his beloved widow?
She can't touch it till she's fourteen...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Gomer's cousin John is visiting from up north, and Gomer decides to take
him hunting... show how `real-men' live... and they're out in the woods looking
for deer, when what should run across the clearing in front of them but a
lovely blonde, starke naked!

"Oh my God!" said John, licking his lips in anticipation... already miserable
out in the woods. "How I would love to eat the delectable creature!"

So Gomer shot her...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
New Best sellers according to the Knoxville Tennesse Gazzette:

"Fourteen Yards to the Outhouse" by Willy Makeit (illustrated by Betty Wont)
"Fourteen Days in the Saddle" by Major Ashburn
"Hole In My Bucket" by Lee King

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck?

A: The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know you're wife is a redneck when...
... she substitutes bacon grease for olive oil in the pesto
sauce.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--Jeff Foxworthy, "You Might Be a Redneck..."

Jeff: "One time the bank repossesed my car because I didn't make a payment on
it for a little over a year. A man showed up at my door and said,"

"Mr. Foxworthy, if you don't give me $500, the Camaro is going with me."

Jeff: I got mad. "Five hundred dollars? Who keeps that kind of cash around?"

"You mean you can't write me a check Mr. Foxworthy?"

Jeff: "No, I can't...a CHECK? Oh, I thought you wanted MONEY. Hell, I'l
just pay the whole thing off right now."

[With grin] "I want to be a Congressman when I grow up."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: "What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas?"
A: Nice tooth!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the Georgia state bird?
A: The mosquito.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a virgin in Kentucky?
A: A girl who can out run her Brothers...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Billy-Joe, and Betty-Sue get married, and Billy-Joe whisks her a way to his
daddy's hunting cabin in the woods, for a romantic `nature honeymoon'...

He carries her across the threshold, and they get into bed, when Betty-Sue
whispers in his ear "Billy-Joe, be gentle, I ain never been with a man b'fore."

"WHAT???" shouts Billy-Joe, his little bride softly shakes her head...

Billy-Joe jumps out of bed, grabs his clothes, and races out the door, into
his truck.... down the mountain.... straight to his parents house... rushes
inside screaming "Hey Daddy!, Paw! Git'up!" .....

His father rushes downstairs and gasps... "Billy-Joe, what'r you doin here?"

Billy-Joe, still breathing hard from his mad flight, gasps "Well, Betty-Sue
an I was in the' cabin, and she toll' me she ain't never been with a man'
afore.... so's I rushed outta there, an' lit back here... quick as I could!"

His father grasps Billy-Joe's shoulder in re-assurance, and says "SON, Ya
done the right thing.... Iffin she ain't good'nuff fer her family, she shure
as shit ain't good'nuff fer ours!!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In most places, the day After Christmas and the day after Thanksgiving are
the busiest shopping days... but not in Arkansas.... Thier's is what ever
time K-mart has thier "Whites" sale...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Where do redneck meet chicks?
A: At family barbecues of course.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is a redneck's definition of weather?
A: Relative humidity.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the first thing a redneck does when his pick-up truck breaks down?
A: Builds a house!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the Tennesse state tree?
Q: The telephone pole.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a daughter went to her father to ask him for some money to
buy a Prom dress. After thinking about it for awhile & having the
daughter beg profusely, he finally gives in and says, "Alright, but you
know what you gotta do!!!" The daughter replies, "Yes, yes, I know."
So the daughter unzips her father's pants and starts sucking his
dick. After a little while her face grimaces & she looks up to her father
& says, "This tastes like SHIT!!!" To that the father replies, "Oh, your
brother wanted to take the car to Prom."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
These three tough rednecks were sitting around the
campfire talking about just who was the toughest.

The first redneck says:

Well I'm so tough, once when I was out gathering wood, this
coyote jumped me from behind. Well I just grabbed him by the neck
with my left hand and choked him to death.

The second redneck says:

Hell, that ain't nothing. Once when I was up on the trail with
my horse Thunder this big ol' grizzly bear comes out of the woods
with hunger in his eyes. He chomps down and rips of my left arm.
Well this really gets my riled up so I grab my arm from his mouth
with my right arm and beat the danged grizzly to death with it.

The third redneck sits quitely stirring up the fire with his
dick.....

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If Tennesse were to seceede from the Union, it would be the third
largest nuclear power in the world (Tennesse Valley Authority, enough Watts
To make all of North America Glow...)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This joke comes from the likes of a New England business office, secretaries
at coffee break:.

One of the secretaries was going on vacation to experience what she called
`the three true wonders of the world'. She told her fellow secretaries
that she wanted to eat a "corn fed" steak, see the Rocky Mountains, and to
do the nasty with a cowboy!

(Three Weeks later):
The secretary returned today from her vacation...The first question asked by
her fellow secretaries was, 'so how was he?' She told them that the Rocky
Mountains were the most beautiful sight in the world. Again they asked, 'so
how was he?' She replied by saying that she had never had a better steak in
her life. Finally repeating their question, 'so how was he?' she said ...
well I really couldn't tell you because I got scared when I saw the size of
rubbers (can of chewing tabacco) that they were carrying in their back pockets!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a country girl who finally found a good job in
the city. One night, shortly after arriving in the city,
she was invited to a very exclusive party. She didn't
know anyone, so she was trying to find someone to talk to,
when she saw an elegantly-dressed lady standing alone.
She approached the lady and said, "Where are you from?"
The lady gave an indignant look and said, "Well! Where I
am from, we DON'T end our sentences with a preposition.
The young girl thought about it and replied, "Oh, well,
where are you from, bitch?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a RedNeck with a third grade education?
A: Perfessor

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Many Thanx To:

The Many Many Contributors, most recently:

ez046379@othello.ucdavis.edu |enswartz@unixg.ubc.ca
ssnider@csc.bcm.tmc.edu |nick.cappello@SYSLINK.MCS.COM
anonymous friend from WV :) |$2326@altair.selu.edu
hcate@xsoft.xerox.com

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