.TH medical humor \n(mo/\n(dy/\n(yr "Medical Humor"
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M E D I C A L H U M O R
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Canonical List Of Medical Humor (Funny Bone)
Archive-Name: medical [plain text version]
medical.html [HTML Web version]
Last-Modified: 95/03/02
Version: 3.01
Total-Joke-Count: 499
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CONTENTS
DENTISTS
DOCTORS
GYNECOLOGISTS
MORTICIANS
NURSES
OBSTETRICIANS
PHARMACISTS
PROCTOLOGISTS
PSYCHIATRISTS
SEX THERAPISTS
SURGEONS
MEDICINE
================================================================================
== DENTISTS ====================================================================
-= dentists =-= 1 =----------------------------------------------------------
Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin
working on her, she grabs his balls. The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've
got a hold of my privates." The woman replies, "Yes. We're going to be careful
not to hurt each other, aren't we."
-= dentists =-= 2 =----------------------------------------------------------
A businessman was in Japan to make a presentation to the Toyota motor people.
Needless to say, this was an especially important deal, and it was imperative
that he make the best possible impression. On the morning of the presentation
he awoke to find himself passing gas, in large volumes, with the unpleasant
characteristic of sounding like "HONDA." The man was besides himself. Every
few minutes "HONDA", "HONDA".... Unable to stop this aberrant behavior, and in
desperate need to terminate these odious and rather embarrassing emissions, he
sought a physicians aid. After a full examination, the doctor told him that
there was nothing inherently wrong with him and that he would just have to wait
it out. Being unwilling to accept this state of affairs he visited a second
and then a third doctor all of whom told him the same thing. Finally one medic
suggested that he visit a dentist. Well although he could not see how a
dentist was going to be of any help, he visited one anyway. Lo and behold, the
dentist said, "Ah, there's the problem" "What is it?" the man asked. "Why you
have an abscess," said the dentist. "An abscess. How could that be causing my
problem?" asked the man. "That's easy," replied the dentist. "Why everyone
knows... Abscess makes the fart go Honda."
-= dentists =-= 3 =----------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than having your doctor tell you that you have VD?
Having your dentist tell you.
-= dentists =-= 4 =----------------------------------------------------------
One day, a man walked into the dentist"s office for some dental work.
The dentist said, "Sir, you have a tooth I must pull, What type of pain
killer would you like?"
The man looked at the dentist and said, "None, thanks, I have experienced the
second greatest pain in my life."
The dentist said, "Sir, pulling this tooth Will be painful, I suggest a
painkiller"
The man looked back at the dentist and said, "I have experienced the second
greatest pain in my life, Nothing else will ever compare."
The dentist said, "Sir, I"m telling you, use a painkiller."
The man again said to the dentist, "I have experienced the second greatest
pain in my life, I do not need painkillers, now pull the tooth."
The dentist then said, "Okay, You asked for it, But first, tell me what was
the second greatest pain in your life?"
The man said, "Yes, I remember it well. I was hunting in some woods north of
here one snowy day. Walking through the woods, the urge came upon me and I
headed over to a tree. Well, I started to do my thing, and when the first part
dropped, It set off a large bear trap that was hidden in the snow that closed on
my balls. That was the second greatest pain in my life"
The dentist then said, "Ouch! But then what was the first greatest pain in
your life?"
The man replied, "When I reached the end of the chain."
-= dentists =-= 5 =----------------------------------------------------------
Why did the guru refuse Novacaine when he went to his dentist?
He wanted to transcend dental medication.
-= dentists =-= 6 =----------------------------------------------------------
Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery: Dentists are incapable of asking questions that
require a simple yes or no answer.
-= dentists =-= 7 =----------------------------------------------------------
Dentist begging the patient: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of
your loudest, most painful screams?
Patient: Why? Doc, it isn't all that bad this time.
Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't
want to miss the 4 o'clock ball game.
-= dentists =-= 8 =----------------------------------------------------------
There was a young dentist named Sloan
who catered to women alone.
In an act of depravity,
he filled the wrong cavity,
and said, "My, how my business has grown!"
-= dentists =-= 9 =----------------------------------------------------------
A dentist friend of mine had a T-shirt which said on the front:
Let me put my tool in your mouth...
and on the back:
...and I will fill your cavity.
-= dentists =-= 10 =----------------------------------------------------------
Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?
Dentist: Wear a brown tie...
-= dentists =-= 11 =----------------------------------------------------------
Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist: $90.00.
Patient: $90.00 for just a few minutes work???
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like.
-= dentists =-= 12 =----------------------------------------------------------
Here's a really mean trick that you can play on people waiting in the
dentist's office.
I recently had my wisdom teeth removed and had an appointment for a check-up
to see how my mouth was healing. So naturally, in the oral surgeon's waiting
room, there were people that were going to have some dental surgery and everyone
looked pretty nervous. Except for I, of course, because it was only going to be
a brief appointment (5 minutes or so). So after the check-up, I stuffed some
Kleenex into my mouth, opened up the door to the waiting room, and announced
loudly to my waiting father, "Boy! that was the fastest tooth pull they've ever
done!"
The expressions on the patients faces were priceless. And my father thought
that what I did was extremely evil. Try it! You'll like it!
-= dentists =-= 13 =----------------------------------------------------------
A man went to the dentist to get his teeth checked. While he was sitting in
the chair being examined, the dentist said to him, "Have you done oral sex
lately?"
The man replied, "Why yes, I did this morning actually. How could you tell?
Have you found a pubic hair stuck in my tooth?"
The dentist says, "No, not quite. You've got some shit on the end of your
nose!"
-= dentists =-= 14 =----------------------------------------------------------
I love to go to the dentist. A man in white hovering over me while I'm trapped
helpless in a chair. He cleans me. He flosses me. His instruments alive in my
mouth. And just when I don't think I can take it anymore, he says, 'Good girl,
Marcie, you can spit now.' - Marcie, from the "Married With Children" sitcom.
-= dentists =-= 15 =----------------------------------------------------------
In 1993, Tel Aviv University and the Warner-Lambert Co. sponsored the First
International Workshop on Bad Breath. Shlomo Goren, former chief rabbi of
Israel, told the conference that Jewish law makes bad breath a legitimate ground
for divorce. (One study by the Kyushu Dental College in Japan used human
sniffers to categorize the smells in the mouths of 2,600 subjects.)
-= dentists =-= 16 =----------------------------------------------------------
When my stepfather retired from his orthodontist practice, we got business cards
printed up for him. They looked sort of like this:
-------------------------------------------
|No Practice No Commitments |
|No Appointments No Deadlines |
|No Payroll No Alibies |
| Arthur E. Carlsen, D.D.S. |
| Orthodontist |
| Retired |
|No Plans No Connections |
|No Problems No Prospects |
|No Responsibilities No Nothing |
-------------------------------------------
He absolutely LOVED his new business cards and hands them out to all his golf
buddies! They were a fun gift!
-= dentists =-= 17 =----------------------------------------------------------
A friend of mine went to the dentist recently. He commented that it must be
tough spending all day with your hands in someone's mouth. He said, "I just
think of it as having my hands in their wallet."
-= dentists =-= 18 =----------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a depressed dentist?
A little down in the mouth.
-= dentists =-= 19 =----------------------------------------------------------
What to do you call an old dentist?
A bit long in the tooth
-= dentists =-= 20 =----------------------------------------------------------
A lady goes to the dentist. In the chair, the dentist notices a little brown
spot on one of her teeth.
"Aha, caries! I'll have to drill this one out!" says the dentist.
"Oh no, I'd rather have a child!!!" cries the lady.
"In that case, let me adjust the chair first," replies the dentist.
================================================================================
== DOCTORS =====================================================================
-= doctors =-= 1 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to
live.
Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad
news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
-= doctors =-= 2 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?
Doctor: You've had an accident involving a train.
Patient: What happened?
Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like
to hear first?
Patient: Well... The bad news first...
Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.
Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?
Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your
slippers.
-= doctors =-= 3 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Doctor: I have some good news and I have some bad news, which shall I tell
first?
Patient: Do begin with the bad news, please.
Doctor: Alright. Your son has drowned, your daughter has been raped, your wife
has divorced you, your house got blown away, and you have AIDS.
Patient: Good grief! What's the good news?
Doctor: The good news is that there is no more bad news.
-= doctors =-= 4 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news, which shall I tell first?
Patient: Uhhh, well, give me the bad news first, I guess.
Doctor: You only have one week left to live.
Patient: Oh no! What good news can you possibly tell me now?
Doctor: Well, you know that really hot-looking nurse who just came in here?
I'm taking her out to dinner tonight, and who knows where the night will end!
-= doctors =-= 5 =-----------------------------------------------------------
This guy goes to the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor
comes in with a grave look on his face.
Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news.
Guy: Well, give me the really bad news first.
Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 months to live.
Guy: And the bad news?
Doctor: You have Alzheimer's disease.
Guy: Thank God. I was afraid I had cancer!
-= doctors =-= 6 =-----------------------------------------------------------
This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor
tells him, "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"
Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.
Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.
Patient: OH NO! That's awful! In two years, my life will be over! What kind
of good news could you probably tell me, after this???
Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to
forget everything I told you.
-= doctors =-= 7 =-----------------------------------------------------------
What's the best thing about having Alzheimer's Disease?
You can hide your own Easter eggs.
You are always meeting new people.
You never have to watch reruns on television.
-= doctors =-= 8 =-----------------------------------------------------------
I am always getting those return address labels from charities wanting money.
The other day, I got one from an Alzheimer's group. Funny though, they forgot to
put my street name on them!
-= doctors =-= 9 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital!
Nurse: What is it?
Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important
now!
-= doctors =-= 10 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Doctor: Did you take the patient's temperature?
Nurse: No. Is it missing?
-= doctors =-= 11 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Doctor: Does it hurt when you do this?
Patient: Yes.
Doctor: Well, don't do that.
-= doctors =-= 12 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten
quarters?
Nurse: No change yet.
-= doctors =-= 13 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.
Doctor: How do you feel?
Patient: A little down in the mouth.
-= doctors =-= 14 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up a point or more?
Doctor: Sell!
-= doctors =-= 15 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Patient: Doctor, what fish did you say I have?
Doctor: Not a fish, stupid, cancer!
-= doctors =-= 16 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Patient: Doctor, I've got five penises.
Doctor: Well, how do your pants fit?
Patient: Like a glove.
-= doctors =-= 17 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Doctor: Have you ever had this before?
Patient: Yes.
Doctor: Well, you've got it again.
-= doctors =-= 18 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Patient: My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?
Doctor: A shoebox.
-= doctors =-= 19 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep
losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid bastard!!!!!
-= doctors =-= 20 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Woman: Doctor, my husband tells me my pussy's too big. So I'd like you to tell
me if you find it unusual.
Doctor: Please, take off your clothes and I'll have you examined.
Doctor (shouting): What a giant pussy!! What a giant pussy!!
Woman (angry): Did you have to say it twice?!?
Doctor: I didn't.
-= doctors =-= 21 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Patient to optometrist: I'm very worried about the outcome of this operation,
doctor. What are the chances?
Optometrist to patient: Don't worry, you won't be able to see the difference.
-= doctors =-= 22 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Patient walks into a doctor's office.
Patient: Doctor, people ignore me.
Doctor: Next!
-= doctors =-= 23 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember anything!
Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem?
Patient: What problem?
Doctor: D id you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory?
Patient: What pills?
-= doctors =-= 24 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?
Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer.
-= doctors =-= 25 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room.
Doctor: Tell him I can't see him now. Next.
-= doctors =-= 26 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Nurse: Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown.
Doctor: What does he call his other eye?
-= doctors =-= 27 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Patient: Well, doc, what does the X-ray of my head show?
Doctor: Nothing.
-= doctors =-= 28 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Patient: Doctor, should I file my nails?
Doctor: No, throw them away like everybody else.
-= doctors =-= 29 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Patient: Doctor, is there anything worse than being old and bent?
Doctor: Yes there is...being young and broke.
-= doctors =-= 30 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Patient: My tongue tingles when I touch it to a cracked walnut wrapped in used
toaster oven aluminum foil, what's wrong with me?
Doctor: You have far too much free time.
-= doctors =-= 31 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Patient: Doctor, ya gotta help me. Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm.
Doctor: Really! What are you taking for it?
Patient (with a grin): Black pepper!
-= doctors =-= 32 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor.
Doctor: Your tonsils gotta come out.
Patient: I wanna second opinion.
Doctor: Okay, you're ugly, too.
-= doctors =-= 33 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed.
Doctor: You should cut down on drinks.
Patient: I don't touch a drop.
Doctor: You should cut down on smoking.
Patient: I don't smoke.
Doctor: You should stop taking drugs.
Patient: I don't do drugs.
Doctor: You should cut down on womanizing.
Patient: Haven't touched a woman in my life.
Doctor: In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, do some drugs, and
find a couple of girlfriends.
-= doctors =-= 34 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Patient: Tell me, doctor. Is it serious?
Doctor: Well, I wouldn't advise you to start watching any serials on TV.
-= doctors =-= 35 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses.
Teller: You certainly do. This is a bank.
-= doctors =-= 36 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?
Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.
Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?
-= doctors =-= 37 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Mrs. Smith: Help me, doctor! Little Tommy's swallowed the can-opener!
Doctor: Don't panic. He'll be alright.
Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the friggin beans, the toast's getting cold!
-= doctors =-= 38 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Patient (to cosmetic surgeon): Will it hurt, doctor?
Surgeon: Only when you get my bill, Mrs Brown.
-= doctors =-= 39 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in
a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription?
Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill.
-= doctors =-= 40 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body?
Tom: Shhh, doctor! My dog's outside in the waiting room!
-= doctors =-= 41 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Congratulations, Mr Brown, you're in great shape for a man of sixty. Pity you're
only forty.
-= doctors =-= 42 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Patient: Doctor, you've gotta help me. I eat apples, apples later come out into
the toilet. I eat bananas, bananas come out."
Doctor: That's easy. Eat shit.
-= doctors =-= 43 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Operator, operator, call me an ambulance!!!
Okay, sir, you're an ambulance!
-= doctors =-= 44 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Mavis: My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor.
Doctor: Oh, really?
Mavis: Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!
-= doctors =-= 45 =-----------------------------------------------------------
John: How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat?
Doctor: Cut your head off.
-= doctors =-= 46 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Prisoner: Look here, doc! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids,
and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this
place!
Doctor: I am, bit by bit.
-= doctors =-= 47 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Tom: What's good for excessive wind, doctor?
Doctor: A kite!
-= doctors =-= 48 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Do you find it difficult passing water, Mr Sozzle?
No, doctor. But I do find it hard to pass a pub!
-= doctors =-= 49 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Bill: My wife beats me, doctor'
Doctor: Oh dear. How often?
Bill: Every time we play Scrabble!
Liz: I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests!
Doctor: Never mind, you'll pass eventually.
Liz: But I'm the examiner!
-= doctors =-= 50 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Trish: My tummy is getting awfully big, doctor.
Doctor: You should diet.
Trish: Really? What colour?
-= doctors =-= 51 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be 80.
Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.
Doctor: See, what did I tell you.
-= doctors =-= 52 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Patient: Please tell me, doctor, am I getting better?
Doctor: I think so. But to be sure, let me feel your wallet...
-= doctors =-= 53 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A doctor has come to see one of his patients in a hospital. The patient has
had major surgery to both of his hands. "Doctor," says the man excitedly and
dramatically holds up his heavily bandaged hands. "Will I be able to play the
piano when these bandages come off?"
"I don't see why not," replies the doctor.
"That's funny," says the man. "I wasn't able to play it before."
-= doctors =-= 54 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A woman decides that she's not amply enough endowed in the chest, so she goes
to her plastic surgeon about getting implants.
"What are my options?" she asks the doctor.
"Well," the doctor responded, "The very best, most realistic implants are
made of silicone."
"Okay. What's the price tag on those?"
"$25,000."
The woman sighed. "I don't have $25,000 to spare. Are there any other
options?"
"The next best type of implants are rubber. They're less realistic, but the
process is quite a bit cheaper, about $10,000."
The woman shook her head. "I'm afraid I just can't afford that. Sorry I
wasted your time."
"Wait," said the doctor. "There is one more option, but it's in the
experimental stages. If you're willing to try it out, it will be free."
"Okay," said the woman cautiously. "What kind of implants are these?"
"Balloons," replied the doctor. "It requires a less invasive procedure, but
they must be reinflated periodically."
The woman decided to go for the operation. It was successful, and when it
was all finished the doctor showed her how to inflate them, like this: {Put
fingers on chest just above bosom. Move your elbows up and down like a chicken
flapping its wings.} So, once she fully recovered, the woman went to a singles
bar. She spied a likely-looking prospect on the other side of the bar. She
walked over, making sure that her breasts were inflated {repeat chicken-wing
motion}.
"Pardon me," she said to the man, "but haven't I seen you here before?"
{say the following line while scissoring legs open and closed} "No, but we
have the same doctor!"
-= doctors =-= 55 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A woman came into a doctor's surgery and complained to him about her flat
chest. "Doctor, my life's terrible. No man takes any interest in me because of
my flat chest. It's driving me crazy. You must help me somehow doctor or I'll
do something drastic."
Examining her chest, the doctor agreed that it was indeed very flat, although
he told her that the condition wasn't abnormal. However, seeing her extreme
state of distress the doctor told her, "There is a series of exercises that can
be used to develop a larger chest, but I'm afraid it requires a lot of
discipline and persistence."
"Oh doctor, tell me please. I'm so desperate that I promise that I'll do
whatever you recommend."
"Well, you must stand upright with your arms horizontal and bent so that your
hands are in front of your chest."
The woman duly stood up and did as the doctor told her.
"Now, quickly push your elbows repeatedly backwards to the rhythm 'I must. I
must. I must. I must increase my bust'. This will exercise your pectoral
muscles. If you do this every 15 minutes for 2 months you should find that your
breasts will grow larger. But you must do it every 15 minutes."
The woman carried out the exercise saying, "I must. I must. I must. I must
increase my bust."
Thanking the doctor the woman left and went outside to the bus stop to await
her ride home. During her wait, she looked at her watch and realised that it
was time for her exercise. So she got her arms in the right position and,
pushing back her elbows, exercised to the rhythm, "I must. I must. I must. I
must increase my bust."
When she'd finished, she felt a tap on her shoulder and, turning around, she
found a small, weakly looking man standing behind her. He asked, "Excuse me, but
could you tell me the time?"
"Sure", she replied, "it's 10 past 3."
The man said, "Oh dear, it's time." and proceeded to hop up and down saying
"Hickory dickory dock..."
-= doctors =-= 56 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Death: What some patients do, in the end, to humiliate the doctor.
-= doctors =-= 57 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Seen in the comic strip "Herman":
Scene: doctor talking to a patient lying in a hospital bed
"Your condition is so rare, we're not sure we're pronouncing it right."
-= doctors =-= 58 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Bombeck's Rule of Medicine: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
-= doctors =-= 59 =-----------------------------------------------------------
As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, "I can't find
a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."
"In that case," said the patient, "I'll come back when you're sober"
-= doctors =-= 60 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the
receptionist asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a
crowded office and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said.
"We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside and
come back in and say that there's something wrong with your ear or whatever."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered. The receptionist
smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"
"I can't piss out of it." the man replied.
-= doctors =-= 61 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, "Your debit is several times more per
hour then we get paid for medical care."
"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed
since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month."
-= doctors =-= 62 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A woman goes to a doctor with a problem. She's sat on the chair next to the
doctor, and she's very hesitant about describing her problem. Eventually, the
doctor manages to discover that she thinks she may be sexually perverted. "What
sort of perversion are you talking about?" asks the doctor.
"Well," said the woman, "I like to be... Ohh... Ah... Ummm... I'm sorry
doctor, but I'm too ashamed to talk about it."
"Come, come, my dear. I'm a doctor you know; I've been trained to understand
these problems. So what's the matter...?"
So the woman again tried to explain, but got so embarrassed that she just
turned bright red and looked as though she might faint. It was then the doctor
had a bright idea. "Look," he said, "I'm a bit of a pervert myself. So if you
show me what your perversion is, I'll show you what mine is. Okay? Is it a
deal?"
The woman considered the offer and after a short while agreed that it was a
fair request. So after a slight pause, she said, "Well my perversion is... My
perversion... Oh... I like to be kissed on the bottom!"
"Shit, is that ALL!" said the doctor. "Look, go behind that screen, take all
your clothes off, and I'll come round and show you what MY perversion is! Hee
Hee!"
So the woman does as she is told and undresses behind the screen. She gets
down on all fours thinking to herself, "Hmmmm, perhaps he might kiss me on the
bum."
Anyway, fifteen minutes pass and nothing has happened. So the woman peers
around the side of the screen to see the doctor sitting behind his desk, his
feet up on the table, reading a newspaper and whistling to himself. "Hey!"
shouted the woman, "I thought you said you were a pervert?"
"Oh I am," said the doctor, "I've just shit in your handbag."
-= doctors =-= 63 =-----------------------------------------------------------
The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the
best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I
would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will." "That is very
kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that
prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."
-= doctors =-= 64 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A man suffering from a severe case of flatulence goes to the doctor.
Man: Doctor, I have a terrible (FARRRT!) problem. I just can't (FFFART!!)
stop farting.
Doctor: That is an unusual complaint. Take off your clothes and lay, stomach
down, on the couch.
The man does as he is told. The doctor examines him for a minute - the man
farting all the time this is going on.
Doctor: Aha! This should be easy to cure. Excuse me for a moment.
The doctor goes over to a closet and pulls out a long pole with a sharp spike
at one end.
Man: (FAART!) Oh my God! (fart..) What are you going to do with (FFFARTT!!)
that?!
Doctor: I need to open a window.
-= doctors =-= 65 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Chico Marx, a member of the famed Marx Brothers, once told the story of how a
bout of stomach trouble had sent him to the doctor. The doctor prescribed
plenty of milk and gave Chico a bottle of pills. "I'll stop by this evening and
see how you're doing," the doctor said. "In the meantime, drink at least four
glasses of milk. Milk is the ticket for curing your trouble. So drink plenty
of it."
That evening, the doctor returned, examined Chico and told him, "You're much
better this evening. Just be sure you don't drink any milk. Not one glass.
It's not for you."
"But, doctor," Chico exclaimed, "only this morning you told me that milk was
what I needed and that I should drink four glasses of it."
"Well, what do you know?" the doctor replied. "It certainly goes to show
that we've made tremendous progress in medicine since the last time I saw you."
-= doctors =-= 66 =-----------------------------------------------------------
There are three Jewish mothers bragging about their sons. The first one says
"My son is very successful. He is the best lawyer in New York City."
The second one says, "My son has done better than that. He is the best
doctor in New York City."
The third one says, "My son has not done that well. He does not have a very
good job, and he is homosexual. But he has these two great boyfriends... One
is the best lawyer in New York City, and the other is the best doctor in the
city."
-= doctors =-= 67 =-----------------------------------------------------------
"How did it happen?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the
man's broken leg.
"Well, doc, 25 years ago..."
"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."
"Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when I first started working on the
farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter
came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said no,
everything is fine. 'Are you sure?' she asked. 'I'm sure,' I said. 'Isn't
there anything I can do for you?' she wanted to know. 'I reckon not' I replied.
"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your
leg?"
"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she
meant, I fell off the roof!"
-= doctors =-= 68 =-----------------------------------------------------------
There was two businessmen, whose names happened to be Mr. Turtle and Mr.
Carrot and one day, as they were coming back from lunch, Mr. Turtle says to Mr.
Carrot, "You know, you're getting fat."
To which Mr Carrot says, "You're not so slim yourself!"
So Mr. Turtle says, "Okay, we'll see who is the least fit, race you back to
the office."
So the race starts and they had only got about a block down the street when
Mr. Turtle crosses the road in front of a car and gets bowled. Mr. Carrot sees
that he's in a pretty bad way, so he rushes to the phone and calls Mr. Cabbage,
the ambulance driver. Mr. Cabbage duly arrives and piles Mr. Turtle into the
ambulance and rushes to V-8 hospital. Mr. Turtle follows and as soon as he gets
to the hospital he asks the nurse, Miss Cauliflower, whether he will be alright.
"Miss Cauliflower, Miss Cauliflower, will Mr. Turtle be alright?"
She replies, "Well, I couldn't really say, you'll have to ask Dr. Bean."
So he rushes over to Doctor Bean and says, "Doctor Bean, Doctor Bean, will
Mr. Turtle be alright?"
And the Doctor says, "Well, I wouldn't like to say, you'd best ask the
specialist, Doctor Pea."
So of course, Mr. Carrot rushes over to Doctor Pea and says, "Doctor Pea,
Doctor Pea, will Mr. Turtle be alright?"
And Doctor Pea says, "I've done all I can for him, it's all in the hands of
the Surgeon, Dr. Turnip."
So Mr. Carrot waits outside the surgery for three hours until they have
finished the operation and rushes up to Dr. Turnip and says, "Doctor Turnip,
Doctor Turnip, will Mr Turtle be alright?"
And Dr. Turnip turns to him and says, "We did all we could, but I'm afraid
he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life..."
-= doctors =-= 69 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A man swallowed a mouse while sleeping on the couch one day. His wife quickly
called the doctor and said, "Doctor, please come quickly. My husband just
swallowed a mouse and he's gagging and thrashing about."
"I'll be right over," the doctor said. "In the meantime, keep waving a piece
of cheese over his mouth to try to attract the mouse up and out of there."
When the doctor arrived, he saw the wife waving a piece of smoked herring
over her husband's mouth.
"Uhh, I told you to use cheese, not herring, to lure the mouse."
"I know, doc," she replied, "but first I've got to get the darn cat out of
him."
-= doctors =-= 70 =-----------------------------------------------------------
One night in the pub, the publican is lamenting the fact that business is so
quiet on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays. As he moans to some of the regulars
a stranger, dressed in a tweed jacket and wearing glasses wanders over and says,
"I'm sorry, but I couldn't help overhearing your conversation. I'm a doctor at
the lunatic asylum up the road and I'm trying to integrate some of the more sane
individuals into the community. Why don't I bring some of my patients along,
say next Tuesday. You'll have some customers and my patients will have a night
out." Well, the publican isn't sure but the thought of more paying customers on
a quiet night appeals, so he agrees. So, the following Tuesday the guy in the
tweed jacket and glasses shows up with about ten lunatics. He says to the
publican, "Give them whatever they want, put it on a tab and I'll settle up at
closing time." The publican has a great time selling loads of drinks and
encouraging the loonies to eat crisps and peanuts. The loonies have a great
time, getting drunk but they behave themselves. At closing time the publican
adds up the bill and it comes to just over a hundred pounds! The guy with the
glasses and the tweed jacket starts to organize the loonies ready to take them
back to the asylum. Finally he comes over and asks for the bill. The publican,
feeling that he's charged them rather a lot and feeling he should do his bit to
help these poor unfortunate people gives him a discount. "Its eighty quid," he
says. The guy in the tweed jacket smiles and says, "That's fine. Have you got
change for a dustbin lid?"
-= doctors =-= 71 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live very long.
What should I do?"
"I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies. "Let's see, do you
smoke?"
"Oh.. Half a pack a day."
"Starting NOW, no more smoking." The man agrees.
The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?"
"Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two
every once in a while."
"Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions."
The man is a bit upset, but also agrees.
The doctor asks, "How do you eat?"
"Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff."
"Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only
raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese."
The man is now really worried. "Doc, is all this really necessary?"
"Do you want to live long?"
"Yes."
"Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the
diet." The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you have sex?"
"Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly.
"As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex
for you. None."
The man is appalled. "Doc... Are you sure I'm going to live longer this
way?"
"I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you is going to seem like an
eternity!"
-= doctors =-= 72 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time.
After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her
how often she has intercourse.
"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.
The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.
"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband."
-= doctors =-= 73 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the
diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her, "There must be
something you're doing that you haven't told me. Can you think of anything that
might be doing this to your knees?"
"Well," she said a little sheepishly, "my husband and I have sex doggy-style
on the floor every night."
"That's got to be it," said the doctor. "There are plenty of other positions
and ways to have sex, you know."
"Not if you're going to watch T.V. there ain't," she replied.
-= doctors =-= 74 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A guy goes to his doctor and is told that he has 6 months to live.
"6 months!!" he exclaimed. "What am I supposed to do in only 6 months?"
His doctor told him, "Marry a JAP and move to Montana."
"Why?" the guy asked.
"Because 6 months will seem like an eternity!"
-= doctors =-= 75 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Received from someone who thought it was a true story:
A kid had cut open a golf ball and had *eaten* the liquid centre. The stuff
in this case was a thick, dark fluid, and the child's mother naturally assumed
that it was some petroleum product.
She frantically called the family doctor, and as she was rushing to the
doctor's office with the apparently poisoned kid, the general practitioner was
rapidly flipping through the "Common Household Poisons" book. There was no
mention of golf balls in it. The doctor called up a golf ball manufacturer and
explained the situation; but they said that their golf balls had a solid core.
"I wish I'd asked the name of the manufacturer!" the doctor lamented.
The ball manufacturer helpfully named their sole competitor that made balls
with liquid centres.
Another quick phone call, and the answer: the centre was made of cod liver
oil.
-= doctors =-= 76 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for
it."
Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they
pay me $25."
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before
going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet
again in the donation center.
Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."
-= doctors =-= 77 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her
all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc.,
when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients
these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't
you?" The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and
handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if *that* doesn't work,
we'll have to have you put down."
-= doctors =-= 78 =-----------------------------------------------------------
While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man's
balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decides to replace the missing ball
with an onion. Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup.
"How's your sex life?" the doctor asked.
"Pretty good," the man said, to the doctor's relief. But then he added,
"I've had some strange side effects."
"What's that?" the doctor asked anxiously.
"Well, every time I piss, my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow job,
she gets heartburn. And every time I pass a hamburger stand, I get a hard-on."
-= doctors =-= 79 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A woman is laying on a gurney out in the hall prior to going to surgery. As
she lays there, a man in a white coat comes by, lifts up the sheet, and then
leaves.
This happens a second time.
The third time this happens, she says, "Doctor, am I going into surgery
soon?"
The man replies, "Don't ask me lady. I'm just a painter!"
-= doctors =-= 80 =-----------------------------------------------------------
"Doctor, don't cut so deep. That's the third operating table you've ruined this
month!"
-= doctors =-= 81 =-----------------------------------------------------------
An anesthesiologist is a doctor who works in the operating room to delay your
pain until such time as you get his bill.
-= doctors =-= 82 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Heard on Leno's monologue:
The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that
1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
-= doctors =-= 83 =-----------------------------------------------------------
This guy goes to the doctor for a vasectomy. Unlike the usual patients, he
shows up in a limo, and he's sitting in the doctor's office in a rented tuxedo
with black tie.
The doctor says, "I've done a lot of these, but I've never seen a limo and
tuxedo before. What's the story?"
To which the fellow responds, "If I'm gonna BE im-potent, I'm gonna LOOK
im-potent!"
-= doctors =-= 84 =-----------------------------------------------------------
There was a country doctor who was the only doctor for miles around. He
wanted to go on a fishing trip so he called the vet and asked him to look after
things while he was gone.
The vet asked, "Is anything happening?"
The doctor replied, "Mrs. Jones is about due, but I don't think the baby
will come before I get back. Anyway, if it does, just deliver it. This is her
third and the first two went really easily."
The vet said, "okay" and the doctor went on the fishing trip.
When he returned, he called the vet. "How did things go while I was gone?"
"Pretty good."
"Did Mrs. Jones have her baby?"
"Yes, it was a 8 pound boy. Everyone's doing fine."
"Did you have any trouble?"
"Well, there was just one little problem."
"What was that?"
"I had a terrible time getting her to eat the afterbirth!"
-= doctors =-= 85 =-----------------------------------------------------------
One day, John's tennis elbow was acting up and he decided to stop in and see
a doctor. When he got to the doctor's office the nurse told him he could see
the doctor in 15 minutes but, first he'd have to give a urine sample. John said
that this was absurd but, the nurse insisted and John complied. 15 minutes
later, John was ushered in to see the doctor.
"So that tennis elbow is really acting up, huh?" the doctor said.
"The nurse must have told you," said John, wondering how the Doctor knew.
"No. It was in your urinalysis." and the doctor continued to say that he had
just purchased this new machine that could diagnose every physical condition
with total accuracy based on the urine contents. John didn't believe a word of
this but he did agree to provide another urine sample on check-up visit.
Two days later, John was sitting at the kitchen table with his wife and his
teenage daughter. He was telling them about this ridiculous machine. When John
decided to have a little fun with the doctor. John pissed in the bottle as did
his wife and teenage daughter. Then while walking to his garage he had a
brainstorm. John put a few drops of oil from his crankcase in the jar and
finally beat off and put a few drops of semen in the jar. He drove to the
doctors office, shook the bottle, then handed it to the nurse. This time his
urinalysis took half an hour. Finally, John was ushered in to see the doctor.
The doctor looked at him and said, "I've got some bad news, smartass. Your
daughter is pregnant, your wife's got V. D., your car is about to throw a rod,
and if you don't stop beating off, that tennis elbow is never gonna heal!"
-= doctors =-= 86 =-----------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the doctor. The doctor asks for stool, urine, blood, and
semen samples. The old man can't believe it. He takes all his little sample
jars and goes home.
At home, he tells his wife that the doctor wants stool, urine, blood, and
semen samples.
The wife looks aghast and then realisation spreads like the dawn across her
wrinkled facial features. "That's easy," she says, relief obvious in her voice.
"All he wants is your pajama pants."
-= doctors =-= 87 =-----------------------------------------------------------
An elderly couple decide to have a baby, so they go to the doctor to get a
physical examination of the wife. The wife is delared in perfect health, but the
doctor says that he also would need to check the husband's semen in order to
accurately advise the couple.
The husband is a bit taken aback, and says, "Listen, I'm getting old. I can
only "do that" about once a week."
The doctor answers that he understands perfectly and gives the couple a vial,
telling the husband to come back next week with a semen sample.
The next week, the husband comes in with an empty vial. The perplexed doctor
asks the husband what went wrong. The husband answers, "Well...I tried it with
my right hand and I tried it with my left hand, I tried hot water, I tried cold
water, I tried soap, my wife tried it with her hand, my wife even tried it with
her mouth, I even tried banging it against the sink...but we still couldn't get
the top off the damn bottle!"
-= doctors =-= 88 =-----------------------------------------------------------
The resident began his examination of an elderly man by asking him what brought
him to the hospital. The man replied, "An ambulance."
-= doctors =-= 89 =-----------------------------------------------------------
It is said that the limbic system of the brain controls the four Fs: Feeding,
Fighting, Fleeing, and Reproduction.
-= doctors =-= 90 =-----------------------------------------------------------
In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
-= doctors =-= 91 =-----------------------------------------------------------
In "Pissing in the Snow: Ozark Mountain Folktales", Vance Randolph tells of a
wizened old country doctor who could treat anything. Well it seems one time,
one of the mountain folk came into his office with three complaints. "Doc," he
said, "I can't taste nothin', I can't tell the truth, and I can't remember
nothin' besides." Well the old Doc thought about this for a minute and went
back into the apothecary, and made of two capsules full with cow hooey, and gave
them both to the man, and telling him to take one immediately, chewing well.
Well, the man did as he was told, bit down and started chawing, then yelled out,
"Yeachhhh... This stuff tastes like shee-it." "Uh huh," the doctor said, "Well
I see that you can taste, and you're certainly telling the truth now. And the
next time that you're memory is acting up, just take the other pill." And the
old Doc charged the man fifteen bucks and sent him on his way, and never did
hear no trouble from him much after that.
-= doctors =-= 92 =-----------------------------------------------------------
There are several kinds of doctors, and it is told that they can be
differentiated by the following method:
General Practitioners know nothing and do little.
Surgeons know little and do everything.
Internists knows everything and do nothing.
Pathologists know everything and can do everything, but it's usually too late.
-= doctors =-= 93 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Everywhere this lady went, nobody wanted to talk to her, no one ever asked her
to go out. Guys came up to her and turned away. She wondered why this would
happen. So she went to her doctor and told him what was going on. She thought
that maybe there was a problem with her. The doctor told her he would give her
a complete exam. He told her to undress and get up on the table, so she did.
He told her to open her mouth and he checked it. Then he asked her to get down
from the table and bend over. He then said to the lady, "Know what your problem
is, you have zactly." The lady then asked, "What is zactly?" The doctor said,
"Lady your mouth smells zactly like your ass."
-= doctors =-= 94 =-----------------------------------------------------------
After much soul searching and having determined the husband was infertile,
the childless couple decided to try artificial insemination. When the woman
showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress from the waist down, get on the
table and place her feet in the stirrups. She was feeling rather awkward about
the entire procedure when the doctor came in. Her anxiety was not diminished by
the sight of him pulling down his pants!
"Wait a minute! What the hell is going on here?" yelped the woman, pulling
herself into a sitting position.
"Don't you want to get pregnant?" asked the doctor.
"Well, yes, I do," answered the woman.
"Then lie back and spread 'em," replied the doctor. "We're all out of the
bottled stuff. You'll just have to settle for what's on tap."
-= doctors =-= 95 =-----------------------------------------------------------
This German guy wanted to marry this Polish lady, but Poland had a law that you
have to be Polish in order to marry someone that is Polish, so, in other words,
he'd have to have 50% of his brain removed. So he goes to his doctor and says,
"I've just got to marry this woman, I love her so much..." So the doctor says,
"Well, it's risky, but okay." So into the operating room they go for the brain
removal procedure. Later, when the German guy wakes up, the doctor comes in and
says, "We are verrrryyyy sorry, but we accidentally removed 75% of your brain
instead of 50%." The guy looks up and says, "Mama Mia!"
-= doctors =-= 96 =-----------------------------------------------------------
First man: There's a guy who lives up the street from me who used to work in
construction. One day last year his hand got run over by a bulldozer. Whatever
those doctors did, it's really amazing - today he's a concert pianist.
Second man: That's nothing. I knew a guy in college - laziest bum I ever
knew. He was really fat and out of shape. He was trying to hitch a ride one
day and got hit by a truck. Broke nearly every damn bone in his body. Somehow
they put him back together better than he was before. Now he's a triathlete and
he's planning to try out for the olympics.
Third man: Yeah, well I knew this poor retarded kid. He couldn't do a whole
lot, but someone at the dynamite factory got charitable and gave him a job as a
stockboy. Anyways, he's working in the warehouse one day and gets locked in.
It's dark and he can't find the door. Not being too bright, he lit a match to
try and find his way. The whole place exploded. All they could find of him was
a few fingers and his eyebrows. From that little bit they were able to put him
back together and today that kid is the governor of Massachusetts.
-= doctors =-= 97 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to see his doctor. He pokes himself in the arm, leg, and torso,
complaining that it hurts when he does this. The doctor asked him if he was
Polish. The man replied that he was. To which the doctor replied that the
finger was broken.
-= doctors =-= 98 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A man working at a lumberyard is pushing a tree through a saw when he
accidentally shears off all then of his fingers. He rushes to the emergency of
a nearby hospital where the awaiting doctor takes a look and says, "Yuck! Well,
give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do."
"I haven't got the fingers."
The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? This is the
age of medical advances. We've go microsurgery and all sorts of incredible
techniques! Why didn't you bring me the fingers?"
"Well, heck, doctor. I tried, but I couldn't pick 'em up."
-= doctors =-= 99 =-----------------------------------------------------------
This guy decides to get a sex change. So he goes to the doctors and has the
thing done. A couple of weeks later he was talking to one of his old buddies
about it. "Gee, it must have really hurt when they shot all that silicon into
your chest to make your breasts." "Not really, I hardly felt it." "Well, it
must have really hurt when they chopped off your manhood!" "Nope, I didn't
really feel it either. The only thing that really hurt was when they drilled a
hole in my skull and sucked out half my brain."
-= doctors =-= 100 =-----------------------------------------------------------
There was a horrible mistake at the hospital. A man who was scheduled for a
vasectomy was instead given a sex change operation. The doctors gathered at his
bed afterwards to tell him the bad news.
"Ohhhh no!!!" the patient wailed, "I'll never be able to experience an
erection again!"
"Of course you'll still be able to experience erections," replied one
surgeon, "only it will have to be someone else's."
-= doctors =-= 101 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A woman goes to the hospital to visit a girlfriend who is about to have a
heart transplant. She's worried about the friend so she asks the doctor...
Girlfriend: I'm worried about my friend doc, what if her body rejects the
organ?
Doctor: Well, she's 36 years old and healthy. How long has she been in
business?
Girlfriend: She's been working since she was 19 years old but what does that
have to do with anything?
Doctor: Well, she's been working 17 years and hasn't rejected an organ yet!
-= doctors =-= 102 =-----------------------------------------------------------
This guy goes into a doctors and says, "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me.
I just can't stop having sex!"
"Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks.
"Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day," he answers back.
"That's not so much," says the doctor. "Yes, but that's not all. Twice a
day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day," replies the man.
"Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor. "Yes, but that's
not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day," says the man.
"Well, that's definitely too much," says the doctor. "You've got to learn to
take yourself in hand."
"I do," says the man. "Twice a day."
-= doctors =-= 103 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching
through the flower beds. "Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?"
"No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an
income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone."
-= doctors =-= 104 =-----------------------------------------------------------
What is the proper medical term for the circumcision of a rabbit?
A Hare Cut.
-= doctors =-= 105 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Some doctors say the practice of circumcision is petering out.
-= doctors =-= 106 =-----------------------------------------------------------
There was a businessman, and he was not feeling well, so he went to see the
doctor about it. The doctor says to him, "Well, it must be your diet, what sort
of greens do you eat?"
The man replies, "Well, actually, I only eat peas, I hate all other green
foods."
The doctor was quite shocked at this and says, "Well man, that's your
problem, all those peas will be clogging up your system, you'll have to give
them up!!"
The guy says, "But how long for, I mean I really like peas!"
The doctor replies, "Forever, I'm afraid."
The man is quite shocked by this, but he gives it a go and sure enough, his
condition improves, so he realizes that he will never eat a pea again.
Anyway, one night, years later, he's at a convention for his employer and
getting quite sloshed and one of the reps says, "Well, ashully, I'd love a
cigarette, coz I avint ad a smoke in four years, I gave it up."
Quite a shocker really, and the barman goes, "Really, I haven't had a game of
golf in 3 years, because it cost me my first marriage, so I gave it up!"
The businessman says, "Thas nuvving, I haven't ad a pea in 6 years" and the
barman jumps up screaming, "Okay, everyone who can't swim, grab a table..."
-= doctors =-= 107 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A Code Of Ethical Behavior For Patients
1. Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort.
Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose valuable
scientific objectivity.
2. Be cheerful at all times.
Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and
reassurance he can get.
3. Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated.
Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
4. Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief.
You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true
nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you
may have experienced.
5. Never ask your doctor to explain what he is doing or why he is doing it.
It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained
in terms that you would understand.
6. Submit to novel experimental treatment readily.
Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research
paper will surely be of widespread interest.
7. Pay your medical bills promptly and willingly.
You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the
well-being of physicians and other humanitarians.
8. Do not suffer from ailments that you cannot afford.
It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means.
9. Never reveal any of the shortcomings that have come to light in the course
of treatment by your doctor.
The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred
duty to protect him from exposure.
10. Never die while in your doctor's presence or under his direct care.
This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment.
-= doctors =-= 108 =-----------------------------------------------------------
From "What The Queen Said", by Stoddard King:
The Doctors
Nowadays there's little meaning
For a person to be gleaning
When a man attaches "Doctor" to his name
He may be a chiropractor
Or a painless tooth extractor
He's entitled to the title just the same.
Or perhaps he is a preacher
Or a lecturer or teacher,
Or an expert who cures chickens of the pip;
He may keep a home for rummies,
Or massage fat people's tummies,
Or specialize in ailments of the hip.
Everybody is a "doctor,"
From the backwoods herb concocter
To the man who takes bunions from your toes;
From the frowning dietician
To the snappy electrician
Who shocks you loose from all the body's woes.
So there's very little meaning
For a sufferer to be gleaning
When a man attaches "Doctor" to his name.
He may pound you, he may starve you,
He may cut your hair or carve you,
You have got to call him Doctor all the same!
-= doctors =-= 109 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Johnny and Jim are walking through the desert. Suddenly, a snake bites Jim's
prick! "AAIIIIIII!!" He panics, and John panics. "What can we do?" "We should
call for a doctor." WHAMMM! Suddenly, in the middle of the desert, there's a
telephone box. Johnny goes in, calls a doctor. RING, RING. RING, RING.
J: My friend is bitten by a snake. What to do?
D: What kind of snake?
J: A one meter, green-yellow one.
D: Aye, aye.
J: ?
D: Those are very dangerous.
J: What can we do?
D: The only thing you can do, is to suck the poison out. Otherwise, your
friend will be dead within half an hour.
Johnny hangs up, goes out off the telephone box. Jim, pale looking already,
asks what the doctor said.
Johnny: You'll be dead within half an hour.
-= doctors =-= 110 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A young mother had just given birth to a newborn baby and the nurse was
congratulating her when the doctor came in bouncing the baby from hand to hand
like a basketball.
"Here's your baby, maam" says the doctor.
The doctor then throws the baby on the floor, hurls it up against the wall,
picks it up and twirls it around several times, and then drop kicks it straight
out of the 10th floor window.
Totally bewildered, the woman gives out a loud shriek and hollers, "My God!!!
What have you done to my baby?!?!!!"
The doctor chuckles a little to himself and says, "April Fools!!! He was
already dead!"
-= doctors =-= 111 =-----------------------------------------------------------
The crofter's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor
was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the father-to-be busy, the
doctor handed him a lantern and said: "Here, you hold this high so I can see
what I'm doing."
Soon, a lusty baby boy was brought into the world.
"Och!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern by...I think
there's yet another wee bairn to come."
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.
"Na, dinna be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad...It
seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.
The crofter scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: "Well,
now, mon. Do ye suppose the light's attracting them?"
-= doctors =-= 112 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A blond guy visits the hospital. "I want to be castrated!" he demands
cheerfully.
"Are you sure about this?" the doctor asks. "Have you discussed it with your
wife?"
"Yes, yes! I've thought about this for a long time. Let's get it over
with!"
So, the operation is performed. Since it's relatively simple, the blond guy
only has to stay in the hospital for two days. On his way home, he meets a
friend.
"Well, hello! I haven't seen you for a couple of days," his friend says.
"No, I've been to the hospital," replies the blond.
"Well, that's funny. I'm on my way there right now!"
"Really? So, what's up?"
"I'm going to be vaccinated."
"Oh, shit!! That's what it's called!"
-= doctors =-= 113 =-----------------------------------------------------------
(Variation of the above joke)
A man went to his doctor and said, "I want to be castrated."
"What?" said the doctor, "surely you don't want that."
"Yes," said the man, "that's what I want; I insist."
So, the doctor told him to check into the hospital. When he did he was
stripped, laid on a cart, wheeled into the operating room, anaesthetized, and
CHWOP! off they came. The next day, he woke up in a double room and, wanting to
be socialable, asked the man in the next bed what he was in for.
"Oh, I was circumsized," the man said.
"Son of a bitch! That's the word I was looking for!"
-= doctors =-= 114 =-----------------------------------------------------------
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
That depends on whether it has health insurance.
Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation
specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
None. They just tell it to take two aspirin and come round to the surgery
later.
None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the mortuary.
None. They would diagnose depression and prescribe benzo diazapines.
-= doctors =-= 115 =-----------------------------------------------------------
How many undertakers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just paint them black and go on using them.
-= doctors =-= 116 =-----------------------------------------------------------
How is an undertaker like a bottle of Robitussin?
They both take away the coffin.
-= doctors =-= 117 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her
blouse, he notices a red 'H' on her chest.
"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes
off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes
off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest.
"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes
off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes
off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest.
"Let me guess, you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a girlfriend at Washington State. Why do you ask?"
-= doctors =-= 118 =-----------------------------------------------------------
This fellow had been suffering from excruciating headaches for some time, and
finally went to a doctor. After a thorough exam, the physician called the
fellow into his office and said, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what is causing
your headaches, but we've found a cure for them: you'll have to be castrated."
The man, needless to say, was taken aback, and told his doctor that he
believed he would try to bear the pain. But as time went on, the headaches only
got worse, and finally, the poor fellow was driven back to the doctor.
"All right, I guess I'll have the operation," he said.
When it was all over, the man was understandably depressed, and his physician
told him, "I recommend you begin life anew. Start over from this point."
So the man decided to take the advice and went to a men's shop for a new set
of clothes. The proprietor said, "Starting with the suit, looks like you take
about a 38-regular."
"That's right," exclaimed the man, "How'd you know?"
"Well, when you've been in the business as long as I have, you get pretty
good at sizing a man up," replied the salesman. "Now, for a shirt, looks like
about a 15 long."
"Right again," the man said.
The proprietor suggested, "And for undershorts, I'd say a size 36."
"There's your first mistake," the man said, "I've worn 34's for years."
"No, you're a size 36 if I've ever seen one," said the owner.
The man replied, "I ought to know what size undershorts I wear, and I'll take
34."
The owner replied, "Well all right, if you insist, but they're going to pinch
your balls and give you headaches!!"
-= doctors =-= 119 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A really handsome man had a high squeaky voice. He was surrounded by girls
except they ran off at the sound of his voice. So he went to the doctor. The
doctor said he could fix the problem by cutting off the man's penis. The man
agreed to the surgery, and sure enough his voice went to normal and he was
surrounded by women. Later he decided to get a whole new wardrobe. The tailor
took a look at him and rattled of figures ending up with underwear size 36. The
man said no I wear size 30. The tailor said, "I've been doing this for years
trust me. If you wore size thirty you voice would be high and squeaky."
-= doctors =-= 120 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A man went to see a doctor because of a very high, squeaky, annoying voice. The
doctor examined him, and told him that the only way would be to replace his
extremely large penis with a smaller one. The guy is desperate and decides to
go through with the operation. It's a great success and the man has a fantastic
baritone. But after some time the guy's sex life deteriorates and he decides to
see the doctor to try get his original equipment back. He says to the doctor,
"Doctor, is there any way that you could get me my organ back, my sex life has
gone to pot." "Not on your life!!" the doctor replies in a high, squeaky,
annoying voice.
-= doctors =-= 121 =-----------------------------------------------------------
One day there was a guy who always scream when he talks. Every time he tries
to talk to his family and friends the first thing they do is cover their ears
because the guy was about to scream. So his family suggest him to go to the
doctor for a reason why he always scream.
Doctor: What is the problem, sir?
Man: (screaming) I don't know?
D: Why do you scream all the time?
M: (screaming) I don't know?
The doctor looks at his doctor book to try to find a cure for his ever
screaming voice.
D: Well sir I think I know what the problem is.
M: (scream) What is it?
D: You must have a hugh penis.
It turns out that the guy had a hugh 20 inch penis. So the doctor suggest
that he remove 13 inches of his penis so that his voice will become normal.
After surgery, the guy wakes up and tried to talk. "Um... hello... hello" His
voice turned out to be normal as the doctor said that it would be.
So four months later, the guy was curious what the doctor did with the rest
of the 13 inches that he cut out. Maybe for research purposes or something he
thought. He calls the doctor and asked him:
Man: Sir you performed surgery on my penis a few months back. Do you
remember?
Doctor: Hmm Hmm
Man: Well I was just wondering. What did you do with the rest of the 13
inches.
Doctor: (screaming) I threw it away!!!!!
-= doctors =-= 122 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this particular
procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the man's penis.
Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant.
After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt around the table,
grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth.
The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?"
Suddenly, the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as quickly
disappeared.
The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, "I don't believe I saw
what I think I just saw... Can you do that again?"
With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd like to,
but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"
-= doctors =-= 123 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A guy goes to the doctor with a mysterious pain and tells the doctor,
"Doctor, my penis has been burning lately."
And the doctor said reassuringly, "Don't worry son, that just means someone
is talking about it."
-= doctors =-= 124 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A man went to have plastic surgery on his penis. The doctor examined him
and asked, "What happened?"
"Well, doc, I live in a trailer park," the man explained, "And from where I
am, I can see this absolutely stunning and gorgeous babe. She's blonde and
built like a Corvette, just all curves. Anyway, she's so horny that every night
I see her take a hotdog from the refrigerator and stick it in a hole in the
floorboard of her trailer. Then she gets down and masturbates herself on the
hotdog.
"And?" prompted the doctor.
"Well," said the man, "I felt that this was a lot of wasted pussy, so, one
day, I slid myself underneath her trailer and when she put the hotdog into the
hole, I removed it and substituted my dick. It was a great idea and everything
was going real good, too. Then someone knocked at her door, and she jumped off
my hotdog and tried to kick it under the stove."
-= doctors =-= 125 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A fellow went to the doctor one day and said, "Doc, I have a problem. My
penis is red."
Doctor replied, "Drop your pants, let me take a look. Ummm...yes, no
problem, we can have you fixed up in no time, $40."
The fellow was impressed. Told his friend of the experience and that he
hadn't been to a doctor for only $40 for quite a spell.
His friend said, "Really? I have a similar problem. What doctor did you go
to?"
So his friend goes to the same doctor and tells him, "Doc, George recommended
you...you've got to help me. My penis is blue."
Doc asks to take a look. "Ah yes... Ummm... Yep, we can take care of it, no
problem, $400."
"FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS?" Wait a MINUTE! You took care of George for only
$40."
"Yes, I did. But George's penis had lipstick on it. Yours has gangrene."
-= doctors =-= 126 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had
prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about
some of the side effects she was experiencing.
"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm
afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that
I've never grown hair before."
The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side
effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"
"On my balls."
-= doctors =-= 127 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A woman was going to marry one of those guys that want a virgin. Since she
was not, she went to a doctor to reconstruct her hymen. The doctor told her
that will cost around $500, but there is an another way that will cost only $50.
The woman agreed to try the cheap way, paid the money, and the doctor worked on
her for several minutes.
After the "first night" of intimacy, the woman came back to the doctor and
told him that it was perfect. The pain, the blood, everything was there. And
she asked him how he did it.
"I tied your pubic hair together," he answered.
-= doctors =-= 128 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A South African doctor wrote about an epitaph he had seen in a local cemetery:
In memory of my father: gone to join his appendix, his tonsils, his olfactory
nerve, a kidney, an eardrum, and a leg prematurely removed by an intern who
needed the experience.
-= doctors =-= 129 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A lady midget goes into a doctor's office on a rainy day and tells the
doctor, "Doc, every time it rains, I get this terrible pain in my crotch."
He says, "Hop up on the examination table and I'll see what I can do."
She gets up on the table, he works on her awhile, and then he tells her,
"Okay, hop down."
She gets down off the table, stands there a second, and then says, "Doc! I
feel great! What'd you do?"
He says, "I cut two inches off the top of your galoshes."
-= doctors =-= 130 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One
lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was
standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just
come up or was about to go down."
The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on
the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had
just woke up!"
The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always
been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face,
she asks, "Who's there?"
-= doctors =-= 131 =-----------------------------------------------------------
This elderly couple is sitting on a park bench if from of a large pond.
Across the other side of the pond are vendors sell all types of food stuff. The
wife turns to hubby and say, "I could really go for an ice cream cone."
Hubby replies, "Well, I'll go get you one."
Wife says, "But, you'll forget, you better write it down."
Hubby replies, "No I won't; what do you want?"
Wife says, "Get me a Strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles."
Hubby replies, "Okay, strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles. See, I'll
remember.
Several hours pass and, finally, the hubby returns.
The wife asks him, "What took you so long, did you get lost."
The hubby replies, "No, and I got what you wanted."
The wife opens the bag to discover a cheeseburger and fries?!
Wife says, "I knew you you should have written the order down."
Hubby says, "What do you mean - every thing is there?"
To which the wife replies, "No, it's not...look, you forgot the pickles."
-= doctors =-= 132 =-----------------------------------------------------------
It seems that this old couple are having trouble remembering things, so they
sign up for a memory course. The course is wonderful; they come home and tell
all their relatives, friends, and neighbors about it. Some months later, a
neighbor approaches the man as he tends the garden.
Neighbor asks, "Say, Ed, what was the name of the instructor of that memory
course you liked so much?"
Ed replies, "Well, it was...hmmm...let me think a minute... What's the name
of that flower, you know, the one that smells so nice, but has thorns on the
stems...?
Neighbor says, "You mean a rose?"
Ed replies, "Yeah, that's it...(shouting toward house) Hey, Rose, what was
the memory course instructor's name?
-= doctors =-= 133 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A woman goes to the doctors, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem.
I'll have to take my clothes off to show you."
The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and
the doctor goes around to see her when she is ready. "Well, what is it?" he
asks.
"It's a bit embarrassing," she replies. "These two green circles have
appeared on the inside of my thighs."
The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is.
Then he suddenly asks, "Have you been having an affair with a gypsy lately?"
The woman blushes and says, "Well, actually I have."
"That's the problem," the doctor says, "Tell him his earrings aren't made of
gold!!!"
-= doctors =-= 134 =-----------------------------------------------------------
This young couple had only been married for about two weeks when the wife
complains of a burning sensation in her chest. She tells her husband who
suggests that she goes to the doctor to be examined. She arranges an
appointment and goes the following day. The husband, while at work receives a
call from the doctor. Doctor: "I am sorry to say your wife has acute angina..."
Husband: "Yeah, I know, she's also got a nice pair of tits too!"
-= doctors =-= 135 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend of his
(also a mute). In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been doing.
The friend replied (vocally!), "Oh, can that hand-waving shit. I can talk now."
Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. It seems that he had gone to a
specialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatment program
that had restored the use of his vocal chords. Gesturing wildly, the mute asked
if he might meet this specialist. They got an appointment that very afternoon.
After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that there was no permanent damage,
that the mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy, and that there
was no reason why he couldn't be helped as well.
"Yes, yes" signed the mute. "Let's have the first treatment right now!"
"Very well," replies the specialist.
"Kindly go into the next room, drop your pants and lean over the examining
table. I'll be right in."
The mute does as instructed and the doctor sneaks in with a broomstick,
mallet, and jar of Vaseline. Greasing the broom handle, he "sends it home" with
a few deft swipes of the mallet.
The mute jumps from the table, screaming, "AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa!!!"
"VERY good," smiles the doctor. "Next Tuesday, we start with 'B'"
-= doctors =-= 136 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A man went to a doctor. Some say he went there to have an operation to become
Polish; others say he wanted to become an Aggie; there's yet another faction who
claims that he wanted to work at the post office; still others say he wanted to
make his hair permanently blond. Regardless, the doctor asked him why, and he
said it was something he always wanted to do, how he wanted to be able to relate
to his friends, all of whom I suppose were blond Polish graduates of Texas A&M
who had found jobs at the local P. O. Anyway, the doctor asked him his IQ, and
when he gave a three-digit reply, the doctor told him that the procedure would
have to involve the removal of over half of his brain. The man insisted, and
since the doctor just happened to have a brand new laser device which could zap
just the right portions of brain tissue (a product of Scar Wars technology, I
suppose), the operation was planned. The laser was hooked up to a computer
which could monitor the man's declining IQ on a nice LED display. The doctor
threw the switch and the numbers began ticking off. 95, 94, 93... Suddenly the
phone rang. It was the doctor's wife. They gabbed for minutes on end, the
doctor forgetting completely about his patient. When he hung up, he suddenly
realized, and ran into the operating room, only to see the meter tick down: 6,
5, 4... He ran to the machine and threw the on/off switch, just as the laser
was about to wipe out the last remnant of brain. "Jesus, Matty and Felipe!"
exclaimed the doctor, "What have I done? Speak to me! Say anything!!" The man
looked at him and said, "Hi, you're watching MTV, and we just heard..."
-= doctors =-= 137 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel.
Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague
and uncertain. Doctor says the treatment is simple. The great clown Pagliacci
is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up. The man bursts
into tears. "But doctor... I am Pagliacci."
-= doctors =-= 138 =-----------------------------------------------------------
"Doc, I don't understand what's going on with me. It's really strange, sometimes
I feel like a teepee." The doctor thinks about it for a while and then urges
the man to continue. So, the man continues, "And sometimes I feel like a
wigwam." To which the doctor says, "I wouldn't worry about it, Fred, you're
just two tents." (Too tense, get it? :-) )
-= doctors =-= 139 =-----------------------------------------------------------
There once was a poor lad named Timmy who had the misfortune of being born
with only a head - no arms, no legs, nothing but a head. Now Timmy was a
basically happy person and he was loved and cared for by his family. As long as
he stayed within the shelter of his family he was unworried by his condition,
but as soon as he was thrust out into the world he knew that something was
seriously wrong. He began to dream about being a whole person with arms and
legs and a body. He thought of nothing else. It became an obsession.
Then one day, Timmy heard of the famous Dr. Helen Von Rigginbottom, a
physician who had been experimenting with cloning and tissue regeneration.
Timmy grew so excited he could hardly contain himself. He had himself rushed to
the doctor and made an appointment. When the doctor met with Timmy all of his
hopes and dreams came true. The doctor assured Timmy that she could help him
and would make him into a whole person, but she warned him that it could be a
dramatic change and he should consider all of the ramifications. She began to
list some of the many problems he might have, but he would not listen. She
consented and game Timmy the injection that would start the process.
Timmy went home and tossed and turned on his pillow all night. Eventually,
he fell asleep. The next morning when he awoke Timmy was surprised to discover
that he was a whole person. He had arms and legs and a body. He was so excited
and grateful that he just had to thank the doctor, so he ran out of the house,
across the street and was hit by a truck and killed. And of course the moral of
our story is: While you're a head, stay ahead.
-= doctors =-= 140 =-----------------------------------------------------------
It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the
emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green came
over to see him.
"Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in court when
you accused me of malpractice."
"Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be?"
"How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor."
"I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't know what
you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"
"Your diagnosis is as good as mine."
"What are you talking about?"
"When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew everything there
was to know about the practice of medicine."
"Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."
"Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns out to be a
gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"
"I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."
"Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer Dobbins: 'Why
were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr. Green: 'I've treated
hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It
never occurred to you my client could have an Excedrin headache?' Green: 'No,
there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.' Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make
me sick.' "
"Why are you reading that to me?"
"Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making a diagnosis.
A lady cane in the other day limping..."
"Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."
"You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor. I've
changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore."
"Then get me another doctor."
"There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that after the
malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is the only
place that I can practice."
"If you give me something to relieve the pain I will personally appeal your
case to a higher court."
"You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a kidney
stone."
"You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by looking at
him."
"That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you
addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into stones.
Remember on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher of Operating Room
6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going to be in a lot of
pain.' "
"Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce of
Demerol?"
"I better check you out first."
"Don't check me out, just give the dope."
"But in court the first question you asked me was if I had examined the
patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't do it now. Do you
mind getting up on the scale?"
"What for?"
"To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued and the
lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were."
"I'm not going to sue you."
"You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ after you pass
the kidney stone?"
-= doctors =-= 141 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late
for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do
something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him
to take it before he went to bed.
Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely
breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss," he said, "The pill actually
worked!"
"That's all fine" said the boss. "But where were you yesterday?"
-= doctors =-= 142 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A WASP was driving his car at Sonoma County, where is a large mental
hospital, he realizes that one of the tires of his car is flat. He stops his
car, looks outside. There is nobody around. Also he realizes that the road he
was riding was near the mental hospital. In short, he realizes that there is no
available cheap labor to change the flat tire. The WASP takes the spare tire
out, jacks up the car, removes the tire, puts the nuts in the hub cap and while
trying to get the spare tire, trips over the hub cap and all the nuts go down a
nearby storm sewer. There he is, a WASP near a mental hospital, away from any
cheap labor, helpless.
Suddenly, he hears someone yelling "Hey you!" looks and finds that there is
someone inside the mental hospitals' yard (behind the bars). The patient behind
the bars says, "I have been watching you for a while and saw the terrible thing
happened to you, I think I can help."
"How?" asks the WASP.
"Easy," says the loonie, "Take one nut from each of the other three wheels
and put it on the fourth wheel, then if you are careful you will make it to the
nearest gas station."
"You are very smart" says the WASP to the loonie and continues, "Why did they
locked you in?"
"They put me in because I am a loonie," the guy tells the WASP and continues,
"Not because I am stupid."
-= doctors =-= 143 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite
ill lady appeared in a Rochester hospital emergency room, having driven herself
to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot. The
horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?"
The lady said, "My phone doesn't have an eleven." (This one is true!)
-= doctors =-= 144 =-----------------------------------------------------------
An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get
pregnant from anal intercourse?" "Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you
think lawyers come from?"
-= doctors =-= 145 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Lawyer: Did you say the plaintiff was shot in the woods?
Doctor: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
-= doctors =-= 146 =-----------------------------------------------------------
This guy goes to his doctor to ask him a question. The doctor says, "What
can I do for you?"
"Well doctor, I have a question for you. I masturbate, and I was wondering
how often is too often."
"Hmmm," the doctor says, "how often do you do it?"
"Three times a day." the man says.
"Yeah, that might be a little excessive. Have you considered finding yourself
a girlfriend?"
"I have a girlfriend, doctor," says the man. "I mean a girlfriend for the
bedroom as well..." the doctor says.
The man says, "Oh, she is, that's not the problem. The problem is, she
doesn't like to do it during mealtimes."
-= doctors =-= 147 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A man is having problems with his dick which certainly had seen better times...
He consults a doctor which, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've
overdone it the last 30 years, your dick is burned out; you won't be able to
make love more than 30 times!" The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife
is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said
concerning his problem. He tells her what the doc told him. She says: "Oh my
god, only 30 times! We should not waste that; we should make a list!" He
replies, "Yes, i already made a list on the way home; sorry your name is not on
it!"
-= doctors =-= 148 =-----------------------------------------------------------
An 80 year woman married an 85-year-old man. After about six months together,
the woman wasn't feeling well and she went to her doctor. The doctor examined
and said, "Congratulations Mrs. Jones, you're going to be a mother."
"Get serious doctor, I'm 80."
"I know," said the doctor, "This morning, I would have said it was
impossible, but this afternoon you are a medical miracle."
"I'll be damned," she replied and stormed out of the office. She walked down
the hall and around the corner to where the telephones were. In a rage, she
dialed her husband. "Hello" she heard in his familiar halting voice. She
screamed, "You rotten son of a bitch. You got me pregnant!"
There was a pause on the line. Finally, her husband answered, "Who's calling
please?."
-= doctors =-= 149 =-----------------------------------------------------------
There was this eighty-year-old man who was seeing the doctor for a checkup. The
doctor asked why he needed the checkup. The man was getting married next month
to a girl 60 years his junior. The doctor tried to talk him out of the
marriage, and it didn't work. However, the doctor suggested, "If you want your
marriage to last, I say you at least take in a boarder." The old man agreed.
The old man didn't see the doctor for a year, when they met at a fund-raiser.
The old man says, "Doc, congratulate me, my wife is pregnant." "That's good
news," said the doctor. "I knew the boarder would help." "Oh," said the old
man with a wicked grin, "and the boarder's pregnant as well."
-= doctors =-= 150 =-----------------------------------------------------------
An old man got married to an 18 years old girl. One day, he went to a doctor
and told him that he wanted to have a kid. The doctor thought for a while and
said to the man, "If you and your wife don't mind, I suggest that you should
find someone to help you." The man thought for a while and left the clinic.
Few months later, the old man returned to the doctor again with smiley face.
To the doctor, he said, "Thank you, doc. I followed your suggestion and found
someone to help me. Now my wife is pregnant. Thanks, thanks."
The doctor could not keep his wonder, so he asked, "Uh.., congratulations,
but how about the one who helped you?"
The old man doubled his smile and replied, "Oh! She is pregnant, also!"
-= doctors =-= 151 =-----------------------------------------------------------
This 82-year-old man married a 22-year-old woman and they decided that they
wanted to have kids. So after trying for a while with no success, he went to
see the urologist, pretty discouraged. The urologist said not to get
discouraged and that they could run some tests. "Take this specimen jar into
the bathroom and leave me a specimen to test," the doctor said.
The old man closed the door, and about an hour and a half later, still had
not come out. The doctor came by and asked, "Are you alright?"
"No" the old man said. "This just isn't going to work." he dejectedly
explained. "There's no hope for me, I've worn out my left hand, I've worn out
my right hand, I've run cold water over it, and I've run hot water over it.
I've even thumped it on the edge of the sink. But no way can I get the top off
this specimen jar!"
-= doctors =-= 152 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A fellow goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem that I am
always farting all of the time. Although they don't smell, they do make loud
noises, and it is affecting my social life."
The doctor gives him some pills and asks him to return next week. He
returns, and says, "Those pills did no good. In fact they made things worse. I
still fart as much, but now they smell terrible."
To which the doctor replies, "Good! Now that we have your nose working
again, let's work on your farting."
-= doctors =-= 153 =-----------------------------------------------------------
I recently went to see my doctor. I said, "Doctor, it's me dick!" I flopped it
onto the desk, and the doctor asked, "so what's the problem?" And I said,
"Nuthin. It's a beauty, ain't it!"
-= doctors =-= 154 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Jokes about Kenneth Clarke, when U. K. Secretary of State for Health:
What do you call a man who ignores doctors' advice? The health secretary.
Kenneth Clarke dies this morning. Doctors said his condition was 'satisfactory'.
-= doctors =-= 155 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived,
unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed
the doctor a bill for $600. The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I
don't even make that much as a doctor!." The plumber waited for him to finish
and quietly said, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."
-= doctors =-= 156 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A 90-year old man announces his intention to marry a woman of 30. He is
persuaded to have a medical exam first. "Everyone tells me I need a checkup to
see if I'm sexually fit," he says to the doctor. "Okay," says the medic, "let
me see your sex organs." So the old guy sticks out his tongue and his middle
finger.
-= doctors =-= 157 =-----------------------------------------------------------
An extremely old man visits his doctor and tells him, "I need my sex drive
lowered."
The doctor, incredulous, says, "What?? You want your sex drive _lowered_??"
To which the old man replies, "It's all in my head; I need it LOWERED!"
-= doctors =-= 158 =-----------------------------------------------------------
There was this city doctor who started a practice in the countryside. He once
had to go to a farm to attend to a sick farmer who lived there. After a few
housecalls he stopped coming to the farm. The puzzled farmer finally phoned him
to ask whats the matter, didn't he like him or somethin'. The doctor said, "No,
its your ducks at the entrance... Every time I enter the farm, they insult me!"
-= doctors =-= 159 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Two country doctors out in the hills of West Virginia were discussing the
population explosion in the world. One physician says, "Why, Bubba, thiseyer
crazy birth thang isa gettin' so bad that perty soon, they ain't gonna be room
for ever'body! There'sa gonna be standin' room only on this here planet!"
The other doctor replied, "Heck, that sure oughta slow 'em down a bit!"
-= doctors =-= 160 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Syadov walks into the Moscow health clinic and asks to see an ear-and-eye
doctor. The nurse explains to him that there isn't a specialist in those two
areas at the clinic, but tells him that they have an eye-doctor AND an ear,
nose, and throat man. She further goes on to suggest, after seeing his rather
vacant stare, that he see the ENT specialist, and, if that doesn't work, why
then he can go to the ophthalmologist. So a month later (Remember, the clinic
is run by the Soviet bureaucracy) he is shown to the doc's office. The following
dialogue ensues. Doctor: So, tell me, Comrade Syadov. What seems to be the
trouble? Syadov: DOC! DOC! Ya GOTTA help me! I'm going crazy! Doctor: Just
calm down, and tell me your symptoms. Syadov: Well, I.. OK. I... I'll try.
It's like my ears and my eyeballs aren't connected to the same man. I can't see
what I hear, and I can't hear what I see! At this, the doctor sighs, shakes his
head, closes his notebook, and prepares for his next patient. When Syadov asks
what he's doing, he explains: "Really, I'm very sorry, Comrade. But there's no
known cure for Communism."
-= doctors =-= 161 =-----------------------------------------------------------
This old man takes his wife to the doctor. After the examination, the doctor
takes the man aside and says, "I've got some bad news for you. Your wife either
has AIDS or Alzheimer's Disease, but I can't tell which."
"That's terrible," says the man, "what should we do?"
"Well," replies the doctor, "I'll give you a thirty minute head start before
I send her home. And if she makes it, don't fuck her!!!"
-= doctors =-= 162 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A doctor is making a routine call to one of his elderly patients. He asks,
"And how are you doing today, Mr. Johnson?"
Mr. Johnson replies, "I feel just fine, doc. But you know, it's the strangest
thing. Every night when I get up to pee, the bathroom light goes on for me
automatically when I open the door."
The doctor is worried that the old guy is getting senile, so he phones the
man's son, and the son's wife answers. The doctor tells her, "Mrs. Johnson, I'm
a little concerned about your father-in-law. It seems that when he gets up to
urinate at night and opens the bathroom door, the light somehow goes on..."
Mrs. Johnson yells, "Steven! Daddy's pissing in the refrigerator again!"
-= doctors =-= 163 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A man returns to the doctors after having some tests and asks what the
results were. The doctor explains that he has some bad news, in fact, the
patient is HIV positive.
"Fuck!" says the man, "You can't trust anybody nowadays, not even your own
kids!"
-= doctors =-= 164 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A man, 92 years old, is told by his doctor that he has tested positive for
HIV. Distraught and befuddled, he retires as usual to spend the afternoon at
the park bench with other senior citizens.
He tells his friend, "Can you believe it? I have HIV...at 92!"
His friend replies, "You think you have troubles? I have IBM at 80!"
-= doctors =-= 165 =-----------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.
-= doctors =-= 166 =-----------------------------------------------------------
One day, a guy comes into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want it to
grow."
So the doc says, "Here, take three of these a day," and gives the guy a
bottle of pills.
An hour later, another guy comes in and he wants it to grow too. The doc
says, "Take 3 of these a day."
"No, I'll take 6!" and the guy leaves.
Then a cowboy comes in: He wants the same. He's told to take 3 but says,
"Nah, I'll take 24!" and leaves.
The next day all three guys come into the office.
1st: "Doc, Doc, it's down to my ankles!"
2nd: "Doc, Doc, it's draggin' an inch behind me!"
Cowboy: "Yeeee-Haaah!"
-= doctors =-= 167 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A Jewish boy was walking with his girlfriend on the grounds of his father's
house. His father was a successful doctor, and was carrying out a circumcision
in the on-site surgery. As they were walking, they heard a scream and a
foreskin flew out of the window and landed at the girl's feet. "What's this,"
she asked. "Taste it," he replied, "If you like it, I'll give you a whole one!"
-= doctors =-= 168 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the doctor who had his license taken away because he was
having affairs with his patients?
Yup, it's a shame because he was one of the top veterinarians in the country!
-= doctors =-= 169 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time a sailor ran into his doctor's office and begged him for help.
He pulled down his pants and showed the doctor his dick, which was sporting a
ruby red ring around the tip. He asked the doctor if there was any cure for
this strange VD that had appeared. The doctor just smiled, soaked a cloth in
alcohol, and rubbed the end of the dick three times. The sailor looked down and
saw that the ring was gone. Ecstatic, he paid the doctor and ran off to catch
his ship. A few months later, another sailor came to the doctor and said to
him: "A few months back, my buddy came here with a ring around his dick, and he
said you just rubbed it three times and he was cured. Well, I have a similar
problem..." The sailor pulled down his pants and showed off his dick, which was
sporting an emerald green ring around the tip. Well, the doctor just reached
into a pocket, took out a large knife, and with one whack cut off the sailor's
dick. "What did you do that for!?" screamed the sailor in agony. "Your buddy had
lipstick around his dick," explained the doctor, "You had gangrene."
-= doctors =-= 170 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Last year, a guy went to a doctor because he was losing weight. He found out he
had a tapeworm, and was instructed by the doctor to bring a muffin, a Twinkie
and a cookie with him on his next visit. When he was being examined the doctor
shoved the muffin, the Twinkie, and finally the cookie up the guy's ass. The
patient protested, but the doctor calmed him down, saying it was part of the
therapy. This treatment continued for several weeks and every time the doctor
shoved a muffin, a Twinkie and a cookie up his ass. Finally, after many visits,
the Doctor instructed the patient to bring a muffin, a Twinkie and a mallet for
the next visit. The day arrived and this time the doctor shoved only the muffin
and the Twinkie up the patient's ass. After a few minutes the tapeworm appeared
out of his asshole and demanded, "Where's my cookie!?" WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!
-= doctors =-= 171 =-----------------------------------------------------------
What does the M. D. after a name of a Soviet emigre physician stand for?
Mentally deficient.
-= doctors =-= 172 =-----------------------------------------------------------
How can you determine that a death certificate was filled by a Soviet emigre
doctor?
He signs his name under "cause of death."
-= doctors =-= 173 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the Soviet emigre doctor who cured a guy from jaundice and
strabismus?
The autopsy showed that the patient was Chinese.
-= doctors =-= 174 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A Soviet emigre woman comes to a gynecologist and complains: "Doctor, when I
wasn't married, I had six abortions, and now I got married and can't get
pregnant." "Evidently you don't breed in captivity."
-= doctors =-= 175 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A Soviet emigre woman comes to a gynecologist for a checkup. She seems to be
very embarrassed and uncomfortable.
"Haven't you been examined like this before?" asks the doctor.
"Many times," she giggles, "but never by doctor."
-= doctors =-= 176 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A Soviet emigre woman comes to a doctor. He instructs her to go behind the
screen and undress. She walks stark naked from behind the screen and says,
indignantly: "Doctor, why didn't you undress too?"
-= doctors =-= 177 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A Soviet emigre woman comes to a doctor for an examination. He tells her to
undress and lie down. She asks: "But will you marry me?"
-= doctors =-= 178 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A man comes to a Soviet emigre doctor because of sore throat. The doctor tells
him to pull down his pants and to swing his genitals in the window. "What does
this have to do with my throat?" "Nothing, I just hate the neighbors."
-= doctors =-= 179 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A Soviet emigre surgeon tells a patient: "The operation will cost three thousand
dollars, but we can save a little by not sharpening the knife."
-= doctors =-= 180 =-----------------------------------------------------------
During an operation, the nurse tells the Soviet emigre surgeon: "Doctor, this
is the third operating table you've destroyed this month. Don't cut so deep."
-= doctors =-= 181 =-----------------------------------------------------------
One Soviet emigre surgeon asks another: "How did that appendectomy go?"
"Appendectomy?" shrieks the other. "I though it was an autopsy!"
-= doctors =-= 182 =-----------------------------------------------------------
One Soviet emigre surgeon asks another: "How did the operation go?"
"It was a success until we dropped the patient off the table."
-= doctors =-= 183 =-----------------------------------------------------------
One Soviet emigre surgeon asks another: "How did the operation go?"
"The operation was a success, but the patient died."
-= doctors =-= 184 =-----------------------------------------------------------
What happened to a Brighton Beach prostitute who had an appendectomy
performed by a Soviet emigre surgeon?
He sewed up the wrong hole, so now she's making money on the side.
-= doctors =-= 185 =-----------------------------------------------------------
"I'm treating a patient with a split personality," boasts a Soviet emigre
psychiatrist, "and Medicaid pays for both of them!"
-= doctors =-= 186 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A Soviet emigre doctor gets a call from the Medicaid office. "You've been
billing us for weekly house calls to Mr.~Ivanov for the last six months.
Haven't you noticed that Mr.~Ivanov has passed away?" "Sure I noticed! He was
my favorite patient, I visit him at cemetery."
-= doctors =-= 187 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A Soviet emigre comes to a doctor. "What's bothering you?" "You charge
Medicaid hundred dollars and ask me what bothering me? Figure out yourself!"
"You should have gone to a veterinarian. They figure out what's bothering
patients who can't tell."
-= doctors =-= 188 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A Soviet emigre boy and girl come to a doctor's office and say: "Doctor, we
would like to know if we are screwing properly. Will you watch us, please?"
The doctor, somewhat puzzled, agrees, they climb on his table, the boy gets on
top of the girl, and they have sex. After observing them, the doctor says,
"Yes, you're having sex properly. That will be forty dollars." They come back
the next day with the same request, but this time the boy enters the girl from
the rear. They keep coming for four days in a row, using different positions
every day. On the fifth visit the doctor says, "Why do you keep on coming back?
I told you you're having sex properly." The boy explains, "The hotel room
costs the same forty dollars, but this way we get reimbursed by Medicaid."
-= doctors =-= 189 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A Soviet emigre is forced to seek doctor's advice because his breath smells
terrible. The doctor examines him and says: "Either stop biting your nails or
stop scratching your hemorrhoids."
-= doctors =-= 190 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A Soviet emigre goes to a doctor to complain about constipation. The doctor
unblocks him with a pneumatic drill and advises him not to wipe his ass with a
cement bag in the future.
-= doctors =-= 191 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A Soviet emigre comes to a doctor to show a red ring around the base of his
penis. The doctor decides it's some unusual of venereal disease and prescribes
antibiotics, but they don't help, and one week later the ring is still there.
The doctor then sends a piece of penis skin covered with red to a lab for
analysis. The lab reports: "The lipstick can be removed with soap and water."
-= doctors =-= 192 =-----------------------------------------------------------
An American has sex with a Soviet emigre woman and catches a strange venereal
disease (this time, a green ring around the base of the penis). The patient
goes to a doctor who says he's never seen anything like it, but his penis would
probably have to be amputated. The patient goes to another doctor, who also
doesn't know anything about this decease, but thinks the amputation is
indicated. Deeply distressed, the patient decided to go to a Soviet emigre
doctor, figuring he may be familiar with this V. D. Indeed, the Soviet emigre
doctor says, "I know this decease! Your American doctors always want to cut.
Don't do anything. Two week later, prick fall off by himself."
-= doctors =-= 193 =-----------------------------------------------------------
An American has sex with a Soviet emigre woman. The next day his prick turns
black. He runs to a doctor and asks, "Doctor, is this some weird venereal
disease?" "Worse," says the doctor. "It's frostbite."
-= doctors =-= 194 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the Soviet emigre who told his doctor he contracted a
venereal disease from a wet dream?
-= doctors =-= 195 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Why was the Soviet emigre woman nicknamed "Venus"?
Not for her beauty, but because there always was something venereal in her.
-= doctors =-= 196 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A man was walking along a sidewalk in a very gentle manner, almost as if he
were walking on eggs. Two doctors, also on foot, were across the street. They
spotted the man and began to discuss his condition. "Prostrate trouble," said
the first doctor.
"Oh no, not at all. That's a case of hemorrhoids if ever I saw one", said
the other.
They tossed it back and forth until one of them suggested going over to talk
to the man. "Mister, this gentleman and I are both doctors," said one, "and if
you'll pardon our intrusion, I figured you have a bad prostrate problem, but my
colleague thought it to be hemorrhoids. Might you state the problem so that we
can solve our little dilemma?"
"Well", said the man, "all three of us were wrong. I thought it was gas."
-= doctors =-= 197 =-----------------------------------------------------------
There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with
passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about
this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally,
however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.
After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in
the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his
chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.
"Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem."
"A gas problem?" replied the doctor.
"Yes. Yesterday afternoon, I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his
wife and had six, um, er, ahhh...silent gas emissions. Last night, I had dinner
with the governor and his wife and had [blush] four silent gas emissions. Then,
while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor,
you've got to help me! What can we do?"
"Well," said the doctor thoughtfully, "I think the first thing we're going to
do is give you a hearing test."
-= doctors =-= 198 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A doctor dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates
and checks him in. After he's registered, St. Peter says to him, "Look at the
time: you must be hungry! Heaven Cafeteria is serving lunch, why don't you get
yourself something to eat?"
The doctor goes to the cafeteria and notices the long line. He immediately
cuts in at the front, only to hear loud protests. "I'm a doctor" he says, "I'm
a busy man, I don't have time to wait in line."
The others say, "You're in heaven now, we're all the same here, get to the
back of the line and wait your turn!"
A few weeks later, waiting patiently on line for lunch, the doctor notices a
man come dashing in wearing scrubs and a lab coat, stethoscope around his neck.
He butts in at the head of the line and no one utters a peep. "Hey," he says to
the guy in front of him, "Who does that guy think he is?"
"Oh, that's God," says the guy, "He likes to play doctor."
-= doctors =-= 199 =-----------------------------------------------------------
After her operation, the famous lady soap opera star was propped up in bed in
her private room, as the doctor did his rounds. "Tell me, how are you feeling
now?" he asked.
"A lot better, thank you," purred the star in reply. "But one thing does
bother me. When will I be able to resume a normal sex life?"
"Oh, that's rather hard to say," said the doctor. "I've never been asked
that after a tonsilectomy before."
-= doctors =-= 200 =-----------------------------------------------------------
This man is waiting for his wife to deliver his first child. When the doctor
comes out of the operating room, he comes up to him and asks to see his wife and
baby.
Doctor: I have something to tell you... Your baby has got no legs...
Father: Oh... I guess it's still my son. Let me see it.
Doctor: He's got no arms either...
Father: That bad, uh? I have to see it!
Doctor: And he's got no trunk either... No head... Actually, it's only an
ear...
Father: ...
Then they go in a sterile room where a nurse carries in a cradle with a huge
ear in it.
Father: My son!!! Flesh of my flesh!!! Blood of my blood!!!
Doctor: Louder!!! He's deaf too...
-= doctors =-= 201 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A woman has just started to play golf when she gets stung on the arm by a
bee. She rushes back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor. She asks, "Is
anyone here a doctor?."
One guy, who was pretty drunk, stands up and says, "I'm a doctor, what can I
help you with?"
"I've been stung by a bee."
"Oh really, where?"
"Between the first and second hole"
"Well, first of all, your stance is too wide..."
-= doctors =-= 202 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Surgeon General C. Everett Koop, in conjunction with research associate Dr. Ed
Bluestone of the Surgeon General's office, has compiled for non-confidential
distribution a list of activities which, while not definitely linked to death or
established as causative factors in any specific form of physical or
physiological deterioration, have been determined through exhaustive reiteration
to be detrimental to the human condition and specifically to the welfare of
their perpetrator. While implementation of any of these activities is not
specifically illegal as cited by state or federal jurisdictions, engagement in
any of said activities could very probably be construed as a gross breach of
common etiquette constraints and/or moral codes and analogs. Widespread or
accelerated participation in any of the listed activities by an increasing or
superannuated segment of the population would be frowned on by and erosive to
all reasonable, respected, and stalwart facets of American society.
The Surgeon General warns:
1. Never raise your hand during a hijacking to indicate that you get a kosher
meal.
2. Never ask a bald man if you can borrow his toupee to clean your windshield.
3. Never moon a werewolf.
5. Never squeeze a parakeet to death while screaming, "I want the name of your
accomplice!"
6. Never threaten to punish your Dalmation with spot remover.
7. Never use a bulldog as a surrogate mother.
8. Never hire an attorney who can discuss specific episodes of The Flintstones.
15. Never trust an Oriental dentist who sells miniature ivory animals.
18. Never ask a dog with rabies if he would like you to floss his teeth.
19. Never believe your dog when he tells you that while you were out, your
parents came over and drank water out of your toilet.
26. Never take a cockroach hostage and expect anyone to negotiate with you.
28. Never walk your dog around someone else's living room with a pooper scooper
in your hand.
29. Never say to a lobster before you boil him, "Let me know if your bath is too
hot."
31. Never tell an IRS auditor that if he doesn't leave you alone, you plan to
cheat again next year.
35. Never tell Yasser Arafat that you think Newark should be the Palestinian
homeland.
-= doctors =-= 203 =-----------------------------------------------------------
I was sorry to hear that a friend of mine dropped out of med school. He really
wanted to be a doctor, but just couldn't stand the sight of money.
-= doctors =-= 204 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Patient: Doctor, you've got to help me. Every night I get the uncontrollable
urge to go downstairs and stick my dick into the biscuit tin. Do you know
what's wrong with me?
Doctor: Yes... You're fucking crackers.
-= doctors =-= 205 =-----------------------------------------------------------
While we're on the subject of questionable doctors:
A former professor of mine once mentioned that a physician friend of his used
to ask (in the old days) his female patients prior to physical examinations:
"Should I shave my beard first?"
It took me a while to get it.
-= doctors =-= 206 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Aggie/Blonde/Moron/whatever Dictionary Of Medical Terms
Anti-Body against everyone
Artery study of paintings
Bandages The Rolling Stones
Bacteria back door to a cafeteria
Barium what to do when treatment fails
Botulism tendency to make mistakes
Bowel letters lik A E I O or U
Caesarean Section a district in Rome
Cardiology advanced study of poker playing
Cat Scan searching for ones lost kitty
Cauterize made eye contact with her
Colic sheep dog
Coma punctuation mark
Congenital friendly
Cortisone the local courthouse
D & C where Washington is
Dilate to live long
Enema not a friend
Enteritis a penchant for burglary
ER the things on your head that you hear with
Fester quicker
Fibrillate to tell lies
Genes blue denim slacks
Genital non-Jewish
Hangnail coat hook
Hemorrhoid a male From outer space
Herpes what women do in the Ladies Room
Hormones what a prostitute does when she doesn't get paid
ICU peek-a-boo
Impotent distinguished, well known
Inpatient tired of waiting
Labor Pain hurt at work
Medical Staff a doctor's cane
Minor Operation coal digging
Morbid a higher bid
Nitrate cheaper than the Day Rate
Node was aware of
Organ transplant what you do to your piana when you move
Organic organ repairman
Outpatient a person who has fainted
Paralyze two far-fetched stories
Pathological a reasonable way to go
Pharmacist person who makes a living dealing in agriculture
Plaster cast the drunk roadies backstage at a rock concert
Post-Operative a letter carrier
Protein in favor of young people
Recovery Room place to upholster furniture
Rectum what happened to the Corvette
Red blood count Dracula
Rheumatic amorous
Saline where you go on your boyfriend's boat
Secretion hiding something
Surgery a reason to get an uninterruptible power supply
Sterile solution not using the elevator during a fire
Tablet a small table
Terminal Illness getting sick at the airport
Tibia country in North Africa
Triple bypass better than a quarterback sneak
Tumor an extra pair
Urine opposite of "You're Out"
Varicose nearby
Vein conceited
-= doctors =-= 207 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and
they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is
going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland
infection.
The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on
the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."
"Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor.
"It's worth a try," he says. So the doctor delivers the baby and then
operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says,
"Father, you're not going to believe this."
"What?" says the priest. "What happened?"
"You gave birth to a child."
"But that's impossible!"
"I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's
your baby."
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son
the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to
tell you. I'm not your father."
The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"
The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father."
-= doctors =-= 208 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Taxonomy Of Medical Professions
An acher of bacteriologists
A murmur of cardiologists
A stain of cytotechnologists
A rash of dermatologists
A speck of forensic pathologists
A poke of gynecologists
A vessel of heart surgeons
A clot of hematologists
A nursery of obstetricians
A dose of pharmacists
A pile of proctologists
A G-spot of sex therapists
A stream of urologists
-= doctors =-= 209 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Sigmund Freud had many interesting things to say about people's attitudes to
laundry. Here is a quick test to see how you relate to it:
When watching your clothes going round in the tumble drier, what do you look
out for?
A Jeans
B Shirts
C Socks
D Sex
What frightens you most about going into the laundrette?
A Losing one sock of your favorite pair
B Putting whites and colors together so the colors mix
C Spiders
D Sex
What do you use to wash your clothes?
A Bold
B Persil
C Ariel
D Bio-Sex
When waiting for the washing machine to finish, what do you do?
A Walk away and do something else
B Stand and look at it
C Sit and look at it
D Lie down and do something else
You see a coffee stain on one of your shirts. What does it remind you of?
A Someone you know
B Coffee
C A butterfly
D Sex
If you answered D to most of these questions, then I would be most interested to
meet you and discuss it at greater length.
-= doctors =-= 210 =-----------------------------------------------------------
How do you tell the difference between male chromosomes and female chromosomes?
Pull down their genes!
-= doctors =-= 211 =-----------------------------------------------------------
The Vancouver [British Columbia] Sun, Thursday, 18 March 1993, page A13 lead
headline "United States"
"Hospital costs prove 40% less in Canada
by Daniel Haney, AP Science writer
Washington -
Hospitals cost almost 40 per cent more in the United States than in Canada,
largely because [...]
[...]
U.S. hospitals are more expensive, in part, because the cases they treat are 14
percent more complex. [Dr. Donald] Redelmeier, of Wellesley Hospital in
Toronto, writing in the New England Journal of Medicine] said this reflects
social differences between the two countries. "Frostbite of the nose is not as
expensive to treat as a shotgun wound to the belly." he said.
-= doctors =-= 212 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Bio-Medical Journal, 1985; 291:630-2.
"The Asthma and Allergy Foundation of America in its search for offending
pollens took samples of Los Angeles air. Right outside its trendy Westside
office, this analysis showed that 40 percent of the collected contaminants were
from marijuana."
-= doctors =-= 213 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to the doctor for a checkup. After the checkup, the doctor tells the
man he has bad news. "You only have six months to live." The man sits for a
while thinking, and then says, "There's only one thing I can do, I'm going to
become a Communist." The doctor says, "You've been a patriotic American all
your life, why are you going to become a Communist now?" The man says, "Better
one of them should die than one of us."
-= doctors =-= 214 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you *idiot*!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"
-= doctors =-= 215 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Son: Father, Can I ask you a question?
Father: Okay, ask.
Son: When a doctor himself needs doctoring so that another doctor doctors the
doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor the doctor the way the doctor
being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring of
the doctor being doctored doctor as he wants to doctor.
Father : !!!??????!!!
-= doctors =-= 216 =-----------------------------------------------------------
The patient went to his doctor for a checkup, and the doctor wrote out a
prescription for him in his usual illegible writing. The patient put it in his
pocket, but he forgot to have it filled. Every morning for two years, he showed
it to the conductor as a railroad pass. Twice, it got him into the movies, once
into the baseball park, and once into the symphony. He got a raise at work by
showing it as a note from the boss. One day, he mislaid it. His daughter picked
it up, played it on the piano, and won a scholarship to a conservatory of music.
-= doctors =-= 217 =-----------------------------------------------------------
"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."
"And did he?"
"Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."
-= doctors =-= 218 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't
so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he
decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife
picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
-= doctors =-= 219 =-----------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a hematologist and a urologist?
A hematologist pricks your finger.
-= doctors =-= 220 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A doctor told the boy, "This injection won't hurt a bit." That's an MD promise.
-= doctors =-= 221 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A medical student is taking a test and one of the questions he sees is: "Name
the three best advantages of mother's milk."
The student immediately writes, "One: It has all the healthful nutrients
needed to sustain a baby. Two: It is inside the mother's body and therefore
protected from germs and infections."
But the student can't think of the third answer. Finally, he writes, "Three:
It comes in such nice containers."
-= doctors =-= 222 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A physician is not angry at the intemperance of a mad patient, nor does he take
it ill to be railed at by a man in a fever. Just so should a wise man treat all
mankind, as a physician treats a patient, and look upon them only as sick and
extravagant. - Seneca
-= doctors =-= 223 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A patient goes to a Polish doctor:
Patient: I am having a hard time hearing. I cannot even hear myself cough.
Doctor: Here is a prescription, take the midicine for 7 days, then return for
a checkup.
Seven Days Later:
Patient: Thanks a million, doctor. At least, I can hear myself cough NOW. So
what did you do to make me hear better?
Doctor: Not much, I gave you medicine that increased your cough.
-= doctors =-= 224 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A guy hasn't been feeling well for a while, so he goes to the doctor for a
check-up. After he sees the doctor, the doc tells him he has a very serious
condition and would like to talk to his wife. So the man leaves and sends his
wife in. The doctor tells the wife that her husband has a very serious
condition and that he is going to die. However, the doctor tells her that there
is one way she can save his life: She must cook him 3 meals a day and have sex
with him every night for 6 months and then he'll be OK.
When the wife leaves the office her husband asks her what the doctor said.
She looks at her husband and tells him, "He said you're gonna die."
-= doctors =-= 225 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative merits of
having a wife or a mistress.
The lawyer says, "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want
a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems.
The doctor says, "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security
lowers your stress and is good for your health.
The mathematician says, "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that
when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're
with your wife, you can do some mathematics.
-= doctors =-= 226 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Exercise Excuses, from "Men's Health"
Here are some excuses doctors and physical therapists heard from patients
explaining why they can't exercise, according to "The Physician and
Sportsmedicine":
"An earthquake drained my pool."
"My dog ate my running shoes."
"I can't exercise because of the grizzly bear." (Heard near a popular
walking path in Anchorage, Alaska)
"My wife would be angry with me if I lost weight."
"If I exercise, I might not have enough energy left over for sex."
"I can't because of the volcanic ash."
"The TV at the gym is always on something I don't want to watch."
-= doctors =-= 227 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A Des Moines, Iowa physician has discovered a sure cure for nervousness in
women. He tells them that it's a sign of old age.
-= doctors =-= 228 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Unusual Case
by William A. Morton, Jr, MD
From "Medical Aspects Of Human Sexuality" July, 1991 p. 15
Scrotum Self-Repair
One morning, I was called to the emergency room by the head ER nurse. She
directed me to a patient who had refused to describe his problem other than to
say that he "needed a doctor who took care of men's troubles." The patient,
about 40, was pale, febrile, and obviously uncomfortable, and had little to say
as he gingerly opened his trousers to expose a bit of angry red skin and
black-and-blue scrotal skin.
After I asked the nurse to leave us, the patient permitted me to remove his
trousers, shorts, and two or three yards of foul-smelling stained gauze wrapped
about his scrotum, which was swollen to twice the size of a grapefruit and
extremely tender. A jagged zig-zag laceration, oozing pus and blood, extended
down the left scrotum.
Amid the matted hair, edematous skin, and various exudates, I saw some
half-buried dark linear objects and asked the patient what they were. Several
days earlier, he replied, he had injured himself in the machine shop where he
worked, and had closed the laceration with a heavy-duty stapling gun. The dark
objects were one-inch staples of the type used in putting up wallboard.
We X-rayed the patient's scrotum to locate the staples; admitted him to the
hospital; and gave him tetanus antitoxin, broad-spectrum antibacterial therapy,
and hexachlorophene sitz baths prior to surgery the next morning. The procedure
consisted of exploration and debridement of the left side of the scrotal pouch.
Eight rusty staples were retrieved, and the skin edges were trimmed and
freshened. The left testis had been avulsed and was missing. The stump of the
spermatic cord was recovered at the inguinal canal, debrided, and the vessels
ligated properly, though not much of a hematoma was present. Through-and-through
Penrose drains were sutured loosely in site, and the skin was loosely closed.
Convalescence was uneventful, and before his release from the hospital less
than a week later, the patient confided the rest of his story to me. An
unmarried loner, he usually didn't leave the machine shop during lunchtime with
his co-workers. Finding himself alone, he had begun the regular practice of
masturbating by holding his penis against the canvas drive belt of a large
floor-based piece of running machinery. One day, as he approached orgasm, he
lost his concentration and leaned too close to the belt. When his scrotum
suddenly became caught between the pulley-wheel and the drive-belt, he was
thrown into the air and landed a few feet away. Unaware that he had lost his
left testis, and perhaps too stunned to feel much pain, he stapled the wound
closed and resumed work. I can only assume he abandoned this method of self
gratification.
Note: William A. Morton is a retired urologist residing in West Chester,
Pennsylvania.
-= doctors =-= 229 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general
practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck...it's
probably a duck," and shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.
The next bird flies overhead and the pathologist looks at it, then looks
through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm...green wings, yellow bill,
quacking sound...might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird
is long gone.
A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost
without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says,
"Go see if that was a duck."
-= doctors =-= 230 =-----------------------------------------------------------
I was twelve before I realized I could cough without having a doctor hold my
balls.
-= doctors =-= 231 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear doctor,
Both my wife and I are sterile. Is there any possibility that we will pass
this on to our children?
Dear doctor,
My husband and I have two children and would love to have another. But I
read that every third child born is Chinese. Being that we are of Italian
descent, do you think we should take that chance?
-= doctors =-= 232 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Doctors at University Hospital in Amsterdam, Holland, are piping disco music
into incubators to improve the breathing rhythm of premature babies. The doctors
say they started the technique with Perry Como records, but found infant
breathing was too slow and unable to keep a beat, so they switched to disco.
-= doctors =-= 233 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A woman went to her new doctor for a checkup. He turned out to be absolutely
gorgeous! He told her he was going to put his hand on her back and he wanted
her to say "Eighty-eight."
"Eighty-eight," she purred.
"Good. Now I'm going to put my hand on your throat and I want you to again
say 'Eighty-eight.'"
"Eighhty...eighhhhtttt."
"Fine. Now I'm going to put my hand on your chest and I want you one more
time to say 'Eighty-eight.'"
"One, two, three, four, five..."
-= doctors =-= 234 =-----------------------------------------------------------
An then there once was the doctor who was so conceited about his looks and charm
that whenever he took a woman's pulse, he subtracted 10 beats to account for
her being excited near him.
-= doctors =-= 235 =-----------------------------------------------------------
After making love, the woman said the man, "So, you're a doctor?"
"That's right," replied the doctor smugly. "Betcha don't know what kind of
doctor."
"Ummm...I'd say that you're an anesthesiologist."
"Yep, that's right! Good guess! How did you know?" asked the guy.
"Because throughout the entire procedure, I didn't feel a thing."
-= doctors =-= 236 =-----------------------------------------------------------
As public television viewers in 12 cities sat glued to their sets while doctors
in Philadelphia reconstructed 15-month-old Michele Miller's skull during a
two-hour operation broadcast live, the girl's parents, Lynn and Paul Miller of
Princeton, N.J., opted to watch "The Wizard of Oz" instead.
-= doctors =-= 237 =-----------------------------------------------------------
From Harper's Index:
Number of people who aren't doctors, but play them on TV : 57
Number of people who aren't doctor's, but play them in hospitals : 5,840
-= doctors =-= 238 =-----------------------------------------------------------
After an accident, a woman stepped forward and prepared to help the victim.
She was asked to step aside by a man who announced, "Step back please! I've had
a course in first aid and I'm trained in CPR."
The woman watched his procedures for a few moments, then tapped him on the
shoulder. "When you get to the part about calling a doctor," she said, "I'm
already here."
-= doctors =-= 239 =-----------------------------------------------------------
At a major medical convention, a noted internist arises to announce that he
has discovered a new miracle antibiotic.
"What's it cure?" asks a member of the audience.
"Nothing we don't already have a drug for," the internist replies.
"Well, what's so miraculous about it?"
"One of the side effects is short-term memory loss. Several of my patients
have paid my bill three or four times."
-= doctors =-= 240 =-----------------------------------------------------------
The government in the Malaysian state of Perlis, during August of 1994,
announced that it would crack down on conservative female Muslim physicians who
use pencils or pens or long objects to examine male patients. Many Muslims
believe it is a sin if a woman touches a man other than her husband.
-= doctors =-= 241 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A medic arrives on the scene to find a West Virginian paramedic performing
CPR with his hands over the woman's breasts instead of over the sternum. The
medic says, "Shouldn't you change your hand position?"
The West Virginian paramedic says, "You're right!" At this point, he places
his hands on the opposite breasts.
-= doctors =-= 242 =-----------------------------------------------------------
In March 1994, the Tennessee Health Department recommended a fine against Mary
Spaniard, who, said the Department, permitted her husband, who is also her
office manager, to perform an unsupervised ultrasound test on a female patient
in 1992. The test requires that the machine's probe be inserted into the
patient's vagina.
-= doctors =-= 243 =-----------------------------------------------------------
A man is talking to the family doctor. "Doc, I think my wife's going deaf."
The doctor answers, "Well, here's something you can try on her to test her
hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she
doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until
she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really
is."
The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey,
what's for dinner?" He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her.
"Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no answer. He repeats this several times,
until he's standing just a few feet away from her.
Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we're having MEATLOAF!"
-= doctors =-= 244 =-----------------------------------------------------------
From Late Show with David Letterman; Monday, December 12, 1994
Top Ten Signs You're A Bad Surgeon General
10. You've got a pack of Marlboros rolled up in your lab coat sleeve.
9. You never appear in public without a half-empty bottle of Bacardi rum.
8. Morning, noon and night, you can be found wandering around in a hospital
gown.
7. Always confusing defibrillator with fry-o-lator.
6. You thought "Chicago Hope" was going to be a hit.
5. Your medical degree is from that correspondence school endorsed by Sally
Struthers.
4. Instead of flu vaccine, you recommend so-called "flu-proof socks".
3. You smoke like a chimney and drink like a Kennedy.
2. You spend your entire day doing the very thing you said should be taught in
school.
1. Your cure for heart disease: Zima.
[Music: "Like a Surgeon" by Weird Al Yankovic]
-= doctors =-= 245 =-----------------------------------------------------------
Reuters News Service - Paul Bint, 32, a former psychiatric patient, likes to
play doctor. Enough, in fact, that he attended to patients in British hospitals
and bragged to a friend that he was adept at taking out spleens. He pleaded
guilty this week to nine charges of burglary, theft, obtaining property by
deception and forging a prescription.
-= doctors =-= 246 =-----------------------------------------------------------
What is 18 inches long and hangs in front of an asshole?
A stethoscope.
-= doctors =-= 247 =-----------------------------------------------------------
From a USA Today article: Houston plastic surgeon Jean Cukier was having
difficulty with a lamp in his office, so he decided he had better unplug it. He
was rewarded by a nasty shock. Feeling lightheaded, he went into his own
operating room and hooked himself up to a heart monitor, which showed an
unstable rhythm. While an assistant called for an ambulance, Dr. Cukier put his
defibrillator paddles on his own chest and shocked himself again, normalizing
his heart beat.
================================================================================
== GYNECOLOGISTS ===============================================================
-= gynecologists =-= 1 =-----------------------------------------------------
Gynecologists have a power that makes some men envious. Who else can go into
various rooms where a woman is waiting for them and tells her, "Get undressed.
I'll be with you in a minute."
And then they make you sit on this white deli paper. You sometimes feel like
cold cuts sitting there. You should always bring a pickle with you and put it
besides you on the paper. Or better yet, have the pickle stick out from under
your underwear. Then, when the doctor walks up to you, knock it off onto the
floor.
He'll ask, "What's that?"
And you can reply, "Syphilis, doc. Nothing to worry about, really..."
-= gynecologists =-= 2 =-----------------------------------------------------
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on
the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says, "I'm
sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay
fresh."
The husband, rejected but still quite horny, turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow
too?."
-= gynecologists =-= 3 =-----------------------------------------------------
Two gynecologists meet on a conference. As usual, they tell each other what
cases they have had the past year.
1: Well, I have had a patient with breasts, just like melons.
2: Incredible, so big?
1: Yes
2: But I had a patient with a clitoris, just like a lemon.
1: Waaw, so big?
2: No, so sour
-= gynecologists =-= 4 =-----------------------------------------------------
One woman says to another, "I can't understand why you haven't gone to see that
new gynecologist yet! I mean he's so young and handsome! And your gynecologist
is so old!" The other woman replies with a smile, "Yeah, I know. His hands
shake *all* the time!"
-= gynecologists =-= 5 =-----------------------------------------------------
If tennis players get tennis elbow, and squash players get squash knees, what do
gynecologists get?
Tunnel vision!
-= gynecologists =-= 6 =-----------------------------------------------------
What do puppies and near-sighted gynecologists have in common?
They both have wet noses!
-= gynecologists =-= 7 =-----------------------------------------------------
"Just try to relax, this won't take long," said the gynecologist trying to
calm his obviously nervous patient. "Haven't you ever been examined like this
before?" he asked.
"Yeah, sure," she replied, "but not by a doctor!"
-= gynecologists =-= 8 =-----------------------------------------------------
I remember when I was young. I wanted a horse. So I kept talking about stirrups.
So my mom took me to the gynecologist. Whenever I see a Western, I feel the urge
to scootch to the end of the table. - Marcie, from the "Married With Children"
sitcom.
-= gynecologists =-= 9 =-----------------------------------------------------
A young doctor just out of medical school announced to his wife that he planned
to specialize in gynecology. When she asked him why he chose gynecology, he
said simply, "There's lots of openings."
-= gynecologists =-= 10 =-----------------------------------------------------
A lady in San Francisco who had endured the tribulations of a gynecological
"overhauling" set her reactions in rhyme:
They cut me up, they cut me down,
And they take my insides out,
But there's some of me here,
And it's all the more dear
For that which I do without.
They wash my stomach out until
I wish it were not mine,
And all the while they sweetly smile
And say, "She's doing fine!"
They give me broth instead of food,
And junk food for dessert,
They poke my tum and then, by gum,
They ask me if it hurts!
They tangle up my private works
With pains that will not pass,
And all the time, their faces shine...
You see, it's ONLY GAS!
-= gynecologists =-= 11 =-----------------------------------------------------
A mature woman was in the pastorial study counseling for her upcoming fourth
wedding.
"Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?"
"My child, you have been a married woman for many years. Surely that cannot
be."
"Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do
was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it
tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this
time, father, I'm marrying a lawyer and I'm sure I'm going to get screwed."
-= gynecologists =-= 12 =-----------------------------------------------------
The brash young gynecologist, fresh out of medical school, took one look at
his voluptuous new patient and abandoned his professional ethics entirely. As
he stroked the supple skin of her naked body, he asked, "Do you understand what
I am doing?"
"Yes," the patient answered. "You're checking for dermatological abrasions."
"Correct," the doctor lied. Next, he fondled her breasts long and lovingly.
Again, he inquired, "Do you understand what I am doing?"
"You're feeling for cancerous lumps," she ventured.
"Very astute," the doctor complimented, getting more excited. He placed the
woman's feet in stirrups, dropped his pants, and slipped his member inside her.
"And do you understand what I am doing now?"
"All too well," the patient shot back. "You're contracting herpes."
-= gynecologists =-= 13 =-----------------------------------------------------
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she
was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills." Taken
aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith,
but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control
pills?" The woman responded, "They help me sleep better." The doctor thought
some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to
sleep?" The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I
sleep better at night."
-= gynecologists =-= 14 =-----------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
One looks up the family tree and the other looks up the family bush.
-= gynecologists =-= 15 =-----------------------------------------------------
What do you call a geriatric gynecologist?
A spreader of old wives' tales.
-= gynecologists =-= 16 =-----------------------------------------------------
A mother and her daughter are at the gynecologist's office. The mother asked
the doctor to examine her daughter.
"She has been having some strange symptoms and I'm worried about her," the
mother said.
The doctor examined the daughter carefully and then announced, "Madam, I
believe your daughter is pregnant."
The mother gasped, "That's nonsense! Why, my little girl has nothing
whatsoever to do with men." She turned to the girl. "You don't, do you, dear?"
"No, mumsy," said the girl. "Why, you know that I have never so much as
kissed a man!"
The doctor looked from mother to daughter, and back again. Then, silently he
stood up and walked to the window, staring out. He continued staring until the
mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something wrong out there?"
"No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything like
this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if another
one was going to show up."
-= gynecologists =-= 17 =-----------------------------------------------------
Do you hear about the Polish gynecologist who used both hands?
He wanted a second opinion.
-= gynecologists =-= 18 =-----------------------------------------------------
I recently attended a meeting of the International Singles Club here in Silicon
Valley. I met a Chinese woman who was a dentist. She had perfect teeth, which
started me thinking: All dentists from all cultures apparently have perfect
teeth.
So, I am looking for a gynecologist for my next girlfriend.
================================================================================
== MORTICIANS ==================================================================
-= morticians =-= 1 =--------------------------------------------------------
From the "Los Angeles Times"
An Alameda mortician is peddling a set of plans to build your own casket which,
in the pre-afterlife, can double as a coffee table or bookcase. "The attitude
of funeral home owners has been that eventually you're going to have to come to
them," said Al Carpenter, owner of Direct Funeral Services. "This is the first
time you can do something on your own."
-= morticians =-= 2 =--------------------------------------------------------
My husband is in danger of losing his license to practice medicine. He was
caught having sex with some of his patients. It's such a shame. He was the
best mortician in town.
-= morticians =-= 3 =--------------------------------------------------------
There were three morticians trading stories in a bar one night. The first
one says, "What a day I had today. The guy wasn't wearing his seatbelt and his
head flew into the windshield. Took me all day to make the face look natural."
Not to be outdone, the second mortician says, "You think that's bad? I had
this kid in who got hit by a train while he was riding his bike. Took me TWO
days to put all the pieces back together!"
The third mortician just shook his head. "You guys have it easy," he said.
"I had this female parachutist whose chute didn't open. She landed on a flagpole
and it took me all week just to wipe the smile off her face!"
-= morticians =-= 4 =--------------------------------------------------------
Rachel Barton-Russell petitioned a court in Springfield, Ore., in February 1994
for a ruling on the meaning of the state's law against corpse abuse. Her
deceased husband, Donal Eugene Russell, had declared in his will that he wanted
his skin used to make book covers for a collection of his poetry, but the state
Mortuary and Cemetery Board claims that carrying out that request would subject
a funeral home to liability for corpse abuse.
-= morticians =-= 5 =--------------------------------------------------------
In Baton Rouge, La., in June 1994, minutes after funeral services for a 25-year-
old man ended, his body caught fire inside the closed coffin, causing smoke to
come shooting out of the cracks. Investigators said embalming fluids
spontaneously combusted.
-= morticians =-= 6 =--------------------------------------------------------
A former municipal morgue attendant in Brisbane, Australia, told reporters that
in July 1994 that the morgue routinely made available for researchers a variety
of organs from corpses without permission from the families of the deceased. In
particular, he said the morgue sold pituitary glands collected during the late
1980s for about 50 cents each to fund a staff Christmas party last year.
-= morticians =-= 7 =--------------------------------------------------------
The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and,
to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to
the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it
especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left
him in the same brown suit he'd been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him.
She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought
especially for that purpose.
The undertaker said, "But madam! It's only a minute or two until the funeral
is scheduled to begin! We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in
that amount of time."
The lady said, "Who's paying for this?"
Seeing the logic to this argument, a very reluctant mortician wheeled the
coffin out, but then wheeled it right back in a moment later. Miraculously, the
corpse was in a blue suit.
After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the
smooth and speedy service. She especially wanted to know how he'd been able to
get her husband into a blue suit so fast.
The funeral director said, "Oh, it was easy. It happens that there was
another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit. All we
had to do was switch heads."
================================================================================
== NURSES ======================================================================
-= nurses =-= 1 =------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the nurse who swallowed a razor blade?
She gave herself a tonsilectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, and
circumcised three of the doctors on her shift.
-= nurses =-= 2 =------------------------------------------------------------
How do you tell which nurse is the head nurse?
The one with dirty knees.
-= nurses =-= 3 =------------------------------------------------------------
Interns think of God, residents pray to God, doctors talk to God, nurses ARE
God.
-= nurses =-= 4 =------------------------------------------------------------
There was once a guy whose tongue was so long that when he stuck it out for
the doctor, the nurse went, "Aaaaaahhh!!!"
-= nurses =-= 5 =------------------------------------------------------------
The nurse who can smile when things go wrong is probably going off duty.
-= nurses =-= 6 =------------------------------------------------------------
There's this old man in a nursing home and he's hornier than hell. So he
sees this cute nurse and says, "How about a quickie for twenty bucks?"
She agrees and gets on top of him. They go at it for about ten minutes.
After the act, the old man says, "You know, if I knew you were a virgin, I would
have paid you a hundred bucks."
In reply, the nurse says, "If I knew you could get it up that high, I would
have taken off my pantyhose."
-= nurses =-= 7 =------------------------------------------------------------
There was an old man whom, though loved by his son, was being put into an
old-folks home because the son could not provide the round-the-clock care the
old man required.
"Don't leave me here to die alone here!" the old man said, when the day
finally came.
"Now dad," said the son, "we discussed this, and you know its the best thing
for you. I'll visit twice a week, and you can always pick up the phone and give
me a call."
So the son left, and the old man was put to bed. He immediately grabbed the
phone and called his son. "You've got to come get me. This is a terrible
place; the nurses all ignore me, the food's terrible, and I'm so alone!"
"Now Dad, I just left you half an hour ago. How can you tell in only 30
minutes what the place is like? Stay there a few more days, and if it's really
that bad, we'll have to work something out."
So the old man hung up, and eventually found his way to sleep. The next
morning, the nurse woke him, and began to give him an in-bed sponge bath. Much
to the old man's surprise, the attention caused him to become erect, so the
nurse sponged his penis, and then gave him one of the best blowjobs of his life.
As soon as the nurse left, the old man called his son. "Son, this is one
great place you've found for me! The food's great, the company is excellent,
and I've never been happier!"
"That's great news, Dad, I hoped you'd come to like the place once you'd
given it a chance."
Later that afternoon, the old man was walking through the television room
when he tripped and fell. Another resident of the home came over to the old
man, lifted up his robe, and buggered him from behind, mercilessly.
When the old man got back to his room, he immediately grabbed the phone and
called his child, "Son, Son, you've got to get me out of this place! Right
Now!"
"But Dad, a few hours ago, you thought this was a great place to be, now,
I've got to run over there and get you?"
"Son, you don't understand, I get an erection, maybe, once a year, but I fall
down two or three times a day!"
-= nurses =-= 8 =------------------------------------------------------------
A doctor is standing in the hall of a hospital talking with a colleague when
suddenly one of his patients runs down the hall in his hospital gown screaming
at the top of his lungs. Right behind the patient is a nurse carrying a pan of
steaming, boiling-hot water, obviously chasing the patient.
The doctor interrupts his conversation with his colleague and shouts to the
chasing nurse, "Miss Jones, I said 'Prick his boil!'"
-= nurses =-= 9 =------------------------------------------------------------
Four nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for, whom
they all felt was an arrogant jerk. Later in the day, they all got together on
break and discussed what they had done to the doctor.
The first nurse said, "I stuffed cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn't
hear."
The second nurse said, "I let the mercury out of his thermometers and painted
them all to read 106 degrees."
The third nurse said, "Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all of
the condoms that he keeps in his desk drawer."
The fourth nurse fainted.
-= nurses =-= 10 =------------------------------------------------------------
True story:
About a week ago, I broke my ankle (in three places) and was in the hospital for
several days. My first night in the hospital, after having surgery to rejoin
my bones with pins and plates and such, I was in a great deal of pain and quite
immobile. My nurse for that first night was a very nice 50ish lady with a
strong German accent. At one point in the middle of the night, she came in to
give me a shot of morphine. She asked where I would like the shot and I pointed
to my right thigh. I slid my blankets down and she lifted my gown. With my
gown raised, she uttered the words, "Okay, small prick," and proceeded with the
injection. I'm still not sure whether her words were meant to warn me of the
upcoming pain or as an editorial comment.
-= nurses =-= 11 =------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to the doctor's office one day. The nurse, quite attractive,
says, "The doctor is over at the hospital right now. He won't be back for about
an hour. Could you tell me your symptoms, please?"
He tells her. She looks at him appraisingly and decides he's just tense.
She offers, "Well, um, for $50, I've got just the thing for you!" He agrees,
and she takes him into an examining room and screws the daylights out of him.
About a week later, he returns, only to find that the doctor is there. The
doctor listens to the man's symptoms, examines him, and decides the man is just
tense. The doctor writes out a prescription for a sedative and says, "That'll
be $150 for this visit."
The man says, "If it's all the same to you, doctor, I'd rather have the $50
cure!"
-= nurses =-= 12 =------------------------------------------------------------
Three nurses died and went to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked the first
one, "What did you do on Earth that would deserve getting in here?
The first nurse replied, "I was an intensive care nurse and I saved hundreds
of lives."
"Welcome," said St. Peter, "come right in. And what did you do?" he asked
the second one.
The second nurse replied, "I was an emergency room nurse and I saved hundreds
of lives."
"Welcome," said St. Peter, "come right in. And what did you do?" he asked
the third one.
The third nurse replied, "I was a managed care nurse and I saved the
insurance companies hundreds of thousands of dollars."
"Welcome," said St. Peter, "come right in...but only for three days."
-= nurses =-= 13 =------------------------------------------------------------
From an Associated Press bulletin: Wanda R. Condon, a nurse at Seattle's Sacred
Heart Medical Center, was handling a donated human heart when she accidentally
dropped it on the floor. Thinking she had contaminated it beyond use, she threw
it in the trash and falsified records to say it had been shipped to a
laboratory. Her deed now exposed, she has been fined $250 and a letter of
reprimand has been placed in her state license file. The surgery the heart was
intended for was cancelled, apparently BEFORE the mishap.
================================================================================
== OBSTETRICIANS ===============================================================
-= obstetricians =-= 1 =-----------------------------------------------------
Things Not To Say To Your Pregnant Wife After Her Ultrasound
1) Thirsty?
2) Where did the extra set of arms come from?
3) Why does it look so much like a lizard?
4) So, what are the characteristics of hermaphroditism?
5) Could we do that again? The nurse had me distracted.
-= obstetricians =-= 2 =-----------------------------------------------------
Things Not To Do While You Are With Your Wife In Labor In The Delivery Room
1) Clip your toenails.
2) Read a Playboy magazine.
3) Tell the doctor that you want the afterbirth to have it bronzed.
4) Flirt with the nurse.
5) Watch a football game on your portable television.
6) Tell her how pretty and sexy she looks right now.
-= obstetricians =-= 3 =-----------------------------------------------------
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her
first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies,
"Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to
pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"
-= obstetricians =-= 4 =-----------------------------------------------------
What a mother once told her teenage daughter about how it felt to have a baby,
"It's kinda like trying to pass a watermelon through a keyhole."
-= obstetricians =-= 5 =-----------------------------------------------------
A California couple discovered the wife was pregnant, but the family simply
couldn't afford any more children. They looked around and found an excellent
Hispanic family to adopt the child. Then...they found out she was going to have
twins. Fortunately, a family of Arab Americans agreed to adopt the other child.
Twin healthy boys were born and passed along to the families, who named them
Juan and Amal.
The biological parents kept in close touch with the adoptive parents in a
very amicable relationships. One day, Juan's family sent a picture of the youth
in his baseball uniform. The biological mother was so proud of her son. She
said to her husband, "He is so handsome! I wish we had a picture like this of
our other son, too." He replied, "Dear, they are twins. When you've seen Juan,
you've seen Amal."
-= obstetricians =-= 6 =-----------------------------------------------------
I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into
labor and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me,
"Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"
The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum
company." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room.
About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced
that Mr. Smith's wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said,
"Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."
The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave.
When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of
fresh air." The man continued, "I work for 7-UP."
-= obstetricians =-= 7 =-----------------------------------------------------
The new mother got out of bed for the first time since her childbirth dressed
in her robe and walked down the hospital hallway to the nurses desk where she
asked for a phone book.
"What are you doing out here! You should be in your room resting," the nurse
exclaimed.
"I want to search through the phone book for a name for my baby," the new
mother replied.
"You don't have to do that here. The hospital furnished a booklet to all new
mothers to assist them in picking a first name for their baby."
"You don't understand," the woman said and frowned. "My baby already has a
first name."
-= obstetricians =-= 8 =-----------------------------------------------------
A young woman, two months pregnant, went to see her obstetrician. He was in
a hurry to leave on an emergency call, so he asked her to quickly bare her
stomach, then reached into his desk and took out a rubber stamp, which he
pressed beside her navel. He then rushed off.
At home, she and her husband tried to read the tiny words printed on her
belly, but they were too small. They then found a magnifying glass and tried to
read the words; the stamp read: "When your husband can read this without his
glasses, it's time to get yourself to the hospital."
-= obstetricians =-= 9 =-----------------------------------------------------
Max Brown, a young father-to-be, was waiting anxiously outside the maternity
ward where his wife was giving birth to their first baby. As he paced the floor,
a nurse popped her head around the door.
"It's a boy, Mr. Brown," she said, "But we think you'd better go and have a
cup of coffee because there might be another!"
Max turned a little pale and left. Some time later, he rang the hospital and
was told he was the father of twins.
"But," the nurse went on, "We're sure there's another on the way. Ring back
again in a little while."
At that, Max decided that coffee was not nearly strong enough. He ordered a
few beers and rang the hospital again, only to be told a third baby had arrived
and a fourth was imminent.
Whitefaced, he stumbled to the bar and ordered a double scotch. Twenty
minutes later, he tried the phone again, but he was in such a state that he
dialed the wrong number and got the recorded cricket score.
When they picked him up off the floor of the phone box, the recording was
still going strong, "The score is 96 all out, and the last one was a duck."
-= obstetricians =-= 10 =-----------------------------------------------------
Ovulation Versus Cretinism
Two different theories exist concerning the origin of children: the theory of
sexual reproduction, and the theory of the stork. Many people believe in the
theory of sexual reproduction because they have been taught this theory at
school. In reality, however, many of the world's leading scientists are in
favour of the theory of the stork. If the theory of sexual reproduction is
taught in schools, it must only be taught as a theory and not as the truth.
Alternative theories, such as the theory of the stork, must also be taught.
Evidence supporting the theory of the stork includes the following:
1. It is a scientifically established fact that the stork does exist. This can
be confirmed by every ornithologist.
2. The alledged human foetal development contains several features that the
theory of sexual reproduction is unable to explain.
3. The theory of sexual reproduction implies that a child is approximately nine
months old at birth. This is an absurd claim. Everyone knows that a newborn
child is newborn.
4. According to the theory of sexual reproduction, children are a result of
sexual intercourse. There are, however, several well-documented cases where
sexual intercourse has not led to the birth of a child.
5. Statistical studies in the Netherlands have indicated a positive correlation
between the birth rate and the number of storks. Both are decreasing.
6. The theory of the stork can be investigated by rigorous scientific methods.
The only assumption involved is that children are delivered by the stork.
(Original version by Erkki Aalto, Dept. of Obstetrics, Gynaecology and Stork
Science, University of Helsinki. English version by Jopi Louko, Institute of
Stork Research, University of Alberta)
================================================================================
== PHARMACISTS =================================================================
-= pharmacists =-= 1 =-------------------------------------------------------
A teenager of about 17 has a hot date with a girl, so he decided to go to the
pharmacy to buy some condoms.
The pharmacist says, "What can I help you with?"
The teen hesistantly says, "I'd like to...uh... ah... buy a condom."
Pharmacist says, "Okay. Here you are." (Sets a box of condoms on counter)
The teen, thinking that was rather easy and painless, says, "Well, now that I
think about it, I think I'll be needing two boxes of condoms."
The pharmacist replies, "Well, okay." (Gets another one)
The teen, getting even bolder, then says, "Actually, its a pretty hot date I
have tonight. I think I'll be needing four boxes of condoms."
The teen keeps changing his mind and increasing the number of condoms he
wants until he's leaving the pharmacy with 20 boxes of condoms.
Later that night, the teenager arrives at his girlfriend's house. She tells
him that he's invited to stay for dinner. So he goes in and sits down at the
table with all of her family. The father asks if he'd like to say grace before
beginning the meal.
The teen accepts and says the following, "Oh Lord, thank you for this food
and the hands that made it, and the people who took the time to grow it and...
(goes on for nearly 10 minutes, blessing *everything* including the table, the
silverware, all the containers, the floor, etc...) ...Amen.
The girl turns to the teen and says, "Gee, I didn't know that you were really
religious."
The teen whispers back, "Well, I didn't know that your dad was a pharmacist."
-= pharmacists =-= 2 =-------------------------------------------------------
This kid walks into the pharmacy: "I've a hot date tonight, a sure thing, and
my buddies said you could fix me up for it."
"What do you want?"
"Well, it's a hot date, man. A sure thing? You know..."
"What do you want?"
"I need some protection, alright??!?!"
"What size?"
"Size? I dunno... Whatever is considered average I guess."
"That'll be $2.35 including tax."
"Tacks? Tacks? I thought they stayed on by themselves!"
-= pharmacists =-= 3 =-------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into a local pharmacy and walks up to the counter where a lady
pharmacist is filling prescriptions. When she finally gets around to helping
him he says, "I'd like 99 condoms please." With a surprised look on her face
the pharmacist says, "99 Condoms!?! Fuck me!" to which the guy replies, "Make
it 100."
-= pharmacists =-= 4 =-------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he
has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out.
The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing fit to
bust. The pharmacist thinks this odd and asks his assistant that, if the man
returns, to follow him.
Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once
more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns.
"So did you follow him?"
"I did."
"And...where did he go?"
"Over to your house..."
-= pharmacists =-= 5 =-------------------------------------------------------
A woman walks into the local pharmacy as ask to see sanitary napkins.
The pharmacist replies, "We have mini-pads and maxi-pads, which do you prefer?"
The woman asks, "What's the difference?"
Pharmacist replies, "It depends on what you flow is like!"
Woman replies, "My flo? My flo is linoleum!"
-= pharmacists =-= 6 =-------------------------------------------------------
A young lad starts work in a pharmacy. The owner is explaining the rudiments
of the job to the youth...
"When a customer comes into the shop, be very polite to them and try to put a
little poetry into it when you're talking to them."
The youth says that he does not see what the pharmacist means by this, so the
pharmacist says that he should observe when the next customer comes in and watch
how he or she is dealt with.
Presently a middle aged woman comes in to the shop and asks for something for
a tummy bug.
The pharmacist says, "There's a lot of that virus going about, but this pink
mixture should sort you out!"
"Oh thank you very much!" says the middle aged woman and she leaves the shop.
So the pharmacist says the youth can serve the next customer while he goes to
tea break, "And remember to put some poetry into it" he says.
Anyway, the youth waits around and nobody comes in, so he decides to go to
the restroom. Just as he's about to nip off, a young teenage girl comes in.
"Can I help you?" he asks. She replies very embarrassedly that she would
like to buy some sanitary towels, to which the youth replies :
"Hang on Miss, I'm dying for a piss, but I'll be back in a flash, with a sash
for your gash!"
-= pharmacists =-= 7 =-------------------------------------------------------
So Dracula's coffin was on a collision course for Jerry's pharmacy.
Jerry was a quick thinker, so he whipped out a pack of cherry Halls and threw
it at the casket.
The Halls really worked, 'cuz the coffin' stopped.
-= pharmacists =-= 8 =-------------------------------------------------------
A funeral procession was winding it's way to the cemetery on top of the hill
outside town, when the hearse hit a bump. The coffin was bumped loose, fell out
onto the road and began sliding back toward town. (It was a steep hill) It
slid faster and faster. Finally, it reached the town and was skidding its way
down Main St. Suddenly, at one intersection, the coffin hit a curb, flew onto
the sidewalk, smashed through the front glass window of the pharmacy, and
slammed up against the prescription counter.
The lid popped off, the corpse sat up and said, "You got anything to stop
this coffin?"
-= pharmacists =-= 9 =-------------------------------------------------------
A funny story I know comes from someone's father-in-law who is a pharmacist.
One of his customers complained that the capsules she'd been given weren't
working. "Oh," he said, "You've been taking them the wrong way. You have to
take them so that the green half goes in first." He said that she stopped by a
week later to let him know that her medication was working fine now.
-= pharmacists =-= 10 =-------------------------------------------------------
A doctor is to give a speech at the local AMA dinner. He jots down notes for
his speech.
Unfortunately, when he stands in front of his colleagues later that night, he
finds that he can't read his notes. So he asks, "Is there a pharmacist in the
house?"
-= pharmacists =-= 11 =-------------------------------------------------------
Why aren't there any Aggie pharmacists?
They can't figure out how to get those little bottles into the typewriter.
-= pharmacists =-= 12 =-------------------------------------------------------
A duck walks into a drugstore and says to the pharmacist, "Gimme a chap stick."
The pharmacist asks the duck, "Will that be cash or charge?"
The duck replies, "Just put it on my bill."
The next day, the duck goes back to the drugstore and says to the clerk, "Give
me a box of condoms." The clerk says, "Do you want me to also put them on your
bill?" The duck says, "Hell no, I'm not that kind of duck!"
-= pharmacists =-= 13 =-------------------------------------------------------
A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in
pill form.
A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of
knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for English
literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge
about English literature!
"What else do you have?" asks the student.
"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the
pharmacist.
The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about
those subjects.
Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"
The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," goes back into the storeroom,
brings back a whopper of a pill, and plunks it on the counter.
"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.
The pharmacist replied, "Well, you know math always was a little hard to
swallow."
-= pharmacists =-= 14 =-------------------------------------------------------
There was an old lady who heard you could keep cigarettes dry at the beach by
stuffing the pack into a condom. She stopped into the pharmacy to pick some up.
The pharmacist said, "What brand of condoms to you prefer ma'am." She said, "I'm
not sure, they're for my Camels," at which point he fainted.
-= pharmacists =-= 15 =-------------------------------------------------------
This guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming
to my place for the weekend and they are hot, very hot. Would you have
something to get me going all night. It is going to be a hell of a party."
The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and
says, "This stuff is very potent, you drink only one ounce of it and I guarantee
that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know about it."
The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist is going to work
and at the door of the drug store, the same fellow is there waiting for him. The
pharmacist says, "What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?"
The guy replies, "Quick open the store, I need Blue Ice (a pain muscle
reliever).
The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, "Are
you crazy, you can't put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive."
The guy says, "It's not for my penis, it's for my arm."
Pharmacist says, "What?? What happened?"
Guy replies, "Well...I drank the whole bottle of your potion."
Pharmacist says, "And..."
Guy replies, "The girls never showed up!"
-= pharmacists =-= 16 =-------------------------------------------------------
This Indian goes into a drug store and tells the pharmacist that he has too
many youngins. He asks if there is anything he can take for it. The pharmacist
puts some rubbers on the counter and says try these. The Indian leaves happy.
The next day, the Indian walks up to the counter and throws the remaining
rubbers at the pharmacist. The pharmacist asks what happened. The Indian just
looks at him and says, "Left nut go UGH. Right nut go UGH. Rubber go BANG!!"
The pharmacist looks suprised and gets some extra heavy duty Trojans and hands
them to him and suggests he try these.
The next day, the Indian comes back in and throws the remaining rubbers at
the pharmacist. The suprised pharmacist asks what happened this time? The
Indian just looks at him and says, "Left nut go UGH. Right nut go UGH. Rubber
go BANG!" The pharmacist thinks for a while. He says wait here and I'll be
right back. He goes out back and gets an old Tire tube and sews a rubber out of
it. He gives this to the Indian and says to try it. The Indian looks at it and
agrees it will work.
The next day, the Indian comes into the store moaning and limping! The
pharmacist goes up to him and helps him to a seat. He then asks the Indian what
happened. The Indian looks at him and says, "Left nut go UGH! RUBBER go UGH!
RIGHT NUT GO _BANG_!!!"
-= pharmacists =-= 17 =-------------------------------------------------------
As a pharmacist, the general public expects us to be rather professional. Thus
is is easy (and fun!) to catch people off guard by having a sense of humor...
The following exchange took place between me and one of my patients:
Me: Take this medication on an empty stomach.
Patient: Does it say that on the label?
Me: Yes, on the sticker, next to the drawing of a stomach.
Patient: Ewww, gross!
Me: You should see what we put on the suppositories. Next!
-= pharmacists =-= 18 =-------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a drug store and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any
acetylsalicylic acid?"
"You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist.
"That's it, I can never remember that word."
-= pharmacists =-= 19 =-------------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a pharmacy and goes to the counter. Standing behind the
counter is a young woman.
"May I speak to the pharmacist?" he asks.
"Well," she replies, "I am the pharmacist."
He looks very uncomfortable, and asks for a *male* pharmacist, as he has a
"male problem."
She informs him that only she and her sister work at this particular
establishment.
He blushes and says, "Well, I really do need help, so I guess I'll ask you...
I have a problem. I have a constant erection, and nothing I do seems to get rid
of it. It's been like this for three months now. Can you give me anything for
it?"
The woman looks thoughtful, and says, "Hold on, I'll go in back and ask my
sister."
After a couple of minutes she returns and says, "We'll give you half of the
business and it's profits, but that's all we can give you for it..."
-= pharmacists =-= 20 =-------------------------------------------------------
Outside a chemist in a busy street, a poor man is clutching onto a pole for
dear life, not breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle, just standing
there, frozen.
The pharmacist, seeing this strange sight in front of his shop, goes up to
his assistant and asks, "What's the matter with that guy? Wasn't he in here
earlier?"
Assistant replies, "Yes he was. He had the most terrible cough and none of my
prescriptions seemed to help."
Pharmacist says, "He seems to be fine now."
Assistant replies, "Sure, he does. I gave him a box of the strongest
laxatives on the market... Now he won't dare cough!"
================================================================================
== PROCTOLOGISTS ===============================================================
-= proctologists =-= 1 =-----------------------------------------------------
Proctologist: A doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.
Proctologist: A brain surgeon for lawyers.
-= proctologists =-= 2 =-----------------------------------------------------
A proctologist is the rare profession in which the M.D. starts out at the
bottom and stays there.
-= proctologists =-= 3 =-----------------------------------------------------
Two proctologists are discussing their most baffling cases. One proctologist
tells the other one about the time he put his hand into a patient and pulled out
a large bouquet of flowers. The other proctologist looked really amazed and
asked, "Where did those flowers come from?" The other proctologist answered
very cooly, "How should I know. There wasn't any card!!"
-= proctologists =-= 4 =-----------------------------------------------------
A proctologist pulls out a thermometer from his shirt pocket. He looks at it
and says, "Shit, some asshole has my pen."
================================================================================
== PSYCHIATRISTS ===============================================================
-= psychiatrists =-= 1 =-----------------------------------------------------
Psychiatrist: 1) Mind-sweeper. 2) Someone who asks a lot of expensive questions
your wife asks for nothing.
Psychiatry: The care of the id by the odd.
-= psychiatrists =-= 2 =-----------------------------------------------------
Patient: Doctor, I'm manic-depressive.
Psychiatrist: Calm down. Cheer up. Clam down. Cheer up. Calm... etc.
-= psychiatrists =-= 3 =-----------------------------------------------------
Patient: Doctor, I have a split personality.
Psychiatrist: Nurse, bring in another chair.
-= psychiatrists =-= 4 =-----------------------------------------------------
Psychiatrist: What is your problem?
Patient: I think I'm a chicken.
Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?
Patient: Ever since I was an egg!
-= psychiatrists =-= 5 =-----------------------------------------------------
Psychiatrist: What is wrong with your brother?
Sister: He thinks he's a chicken.
Psychiatrist: How long has be been acting like a chicken?
Sister: Three years. We would have come in sooner, but we needed the eggs.
-= psychiatrists =-= 6 =-----------------------------------------------------
Wife: Doctor, my husband thinks he's a horse.
Psychiatrist: He is just probably a little stressed out and needs some rest.
Wife: But he kicks chairs and eats grass and do not even sleep in the bed.
Psychiatrist: Well, in that case, it looks like he may need a lot of help, but
it may cost quite a lot of money for prolonged treatment.
Wife: Oh you don't have to worry about the money part. Last Sunday, my husband
won the horserace!
-= psychiatrists =-= 7 =-----------------------------------------------------
Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking that I'm a deck of cards!
Psychiatrist: Sit over there and I'll deal with you later.
-= psychiatrists =-= 8 =-----------------------------------------------------
Patient: Doctor, I feel like a bridge...
Psychiatrist: What's come over you?
Patient: Two trucks, five cars...
-= psychiatrists =-= 9 =-----------------------------------------------------
Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dustbin.
Psychiatrist: Don't talk such rubbish.
-= psychiatrists =-= 10 =-----------------------------------------------------
Patient: Doctor, people tell me I'm a wheelbarrow.
Psychiatrist: Don't let people push you around.
-= psychiatrists =-= 11 =-----------------------------------------------------
Patient: Doctor, I can't stop stealing things.
Psychiatrist: Take these pills. They should help you.
Patient: But what if they don't?
Psychiatrist: Pick up a Rolls for me.
-= psychiatrists =-= 12 =-----------------------------------------------------
Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a curtain.
Psychiatrist: Pull yourself together!
-= psychiatrists =-= 13 =-----------------------------------------------------
Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a billiard ball.
Psychiatrist: Get to the end of the queue (cue).
-= psychiatrists =-= 14 =-----------------------------------------------------
Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I'm invisible.
Psychiatrist: Who said that?
-= psychiatrists =-= 15 =-----------------------------------------------------
Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages.
Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like sausages too.
Patient: Good, you should come see my collection. I've got hundreds of 'em.
-= psychiatrists =-= 16 =-----------------------------------------------------
"I'm treating a patient with a split personality," boasted a psychiatrist, "and
Medicare pays for both of them!"
-= psychiatrists =-= 17 =-----------------------------------------------------
Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages.
Psychiatrist: Nothing wrong with that. I like sausages too.
Patient: Sexy beasts, aren't they?
-= psychiatrists =-= 18 =-----------------------------------------------------
A patient goes to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist gives him a Rorschach
Test; he shows a patient a circle with a dot inside it and asks, "What do you
see?"
The patient replies, "Two people are having sex in the middle of the circular
room."
The psychiatrist shows the patient another picture of a square with a dot
inside it and asks, "What do you see?"
Patient answers, "Two people are having sex in the square room."
The psychiatrist shows the patient one more picture of a triangle with a dot
outside it and asks, "What do you see now?"
Patient replies, "Doctor, are you some kind of pervert?!?"
-= psychiatrists =-= 19 =-----------------------------------------------------
Man: Doctor, my wife thinks she's a refrigerator!
Psychiatrist: Don't worry, it will pass.
Man: But, doctor, when she sleeps with her mouth open, that damn light bugs me!
-= psychiatrists =-= 20 =-----------------------------------------------------
Patient: Doctor, last night I dreamt I was a teepee. The night before, I dreamt
I was a wigwam.
Psychiatrist: Relax. You're too tense. (two tents)
-= psychiatrists =-= 21 =-----------------------------------------------------
Hypnotist: Okay, Mr. Henry, when I say wake up you will no longer be shy but
full of confidence and be able to speak your mind... Wake up!
Patient: Right, you! How about giving me a refund, you money-grabbing old
skinflint!
-= psychiatrists =-= 22 =-----------------------------------------------------
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one but the light bulb must want to change!
-= psychiatrists =-= 23 =-----------------------------------------------------
Why do psychiatrists give their patients shock treatment?
To prepare them for the bill.
-= psychiatrists =-= 24 =-----------------------------------------------------
A psychiatrist on his rounds in a mental hospital sees a couple of patients
behaving rather strangely. The first man is sitting on the edge of his bed
clutching an imaginary steering wheel and making loud train noises
"Chooo-Chooo... Whoooo-Whooooo..."
"What are you doing?" enquires the doctor.
"I'm taking a train down to Barcelona," replies the man.
Somewhat taken aback but not to be put off, the doctor moves on to the next
bed where he can see some very energetic activity going on underneath the
covers. On pulling them back he finds a man totally naked face down into the
mattress.
"And what are you doing?" asks the doctor, a little perplexed.
"Well," pants the man, "While he's in Barcelona, I'm fucking his wife."
-= psychiatrists =-= 25 =-----------------------------------------------------
A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane asylum that is known for their
progressive rehabilitation methods. They begin by visiting some of the patients.
The first patient they visit is a young woman. She is practicing ballet.
One of the psychiatrist asks, "What are you doing?"
She replies, "I'm studying ballet so when I get out of here I can possibly
join a troupe and be a productive member of society."
"Wow, that's wonderful."
The next person was a man reading a book with a pile of books next to him.
The same question asked to him, "What are you doing?"
"I'm studying biology, chemistry, etc. So I can enter medical school when I
get out."
Room after room, they witnessed the incredible success and attitudes of the
patients. Until they finally reached a room the asylums director was reluctant
to open. Finally, he was persuaded to open it. Inside was a man balancing a
peanut on his penis.
The psychiatrist exclaimed, "My God what are you doing?"
The man replied, "I'm fucking nuts and I'm never getting out of here."
-= psychiatrists =-= 26 =-----------------------------------------------------
Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your door.
-= psychiatrists =-= 27 =-----------------------------------------------------
A man walked into a psychiatrist's office, sat down, took out a pack of
cigarettes. He removed a cigarette from the pack, unrolled it, and stuffed the
tobacco up his nose.
The shrink frowned and said, "I see you need my help!"
The guy said, "Yeah Doc. Got a match!?"
-= psychiatrists =-= 28 =-----------------------------------------------------
A man walks into the psychiatrists office with a pancake on his head, fried eggs
on each shoulder, and a strip of bacon over each ear. The shrink, humoring him,
asks, "What seems to be the problem?" The guy answers, "Doc, I'm worried about
my brother."
-= psychiatrists =-= 29 =-----------------------------------------------------
A man who thinks he's George Washington has been seeing a psychiatrist. He
finishes up one session by telling him, "Tomorrow, we'll cross the Delaware and
surprise them when they least expect it." As soon as he's gone, the psychiatrist
picks up the phone and says, "King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I have the
plans."
-= psychiatrists =-= 30 =-----------------------------------------------------
A man who thought he was John the Baptist was disturbing the neighborhood, so
for public safety, he was committed. He was put in a room with another crazy
and immediately began his routine, "I am John The Baptist! Jesus Christ has
sent me!" The other guy looks at him and declares, "I did *not*!"
-= psychiatrists =-= 31 =-----------------------------------------------------
Sign on a psychologists office: Schizophrenics pay double.
-= psychiatrists =-= 32 =-----------------------------------------------------
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
-= psychiatrists =-= 33 =-----------------------------------------------------
What is the best thing about schizophrenia?
You're never alone.
-= psychiatrists =-= 34 =-----------------------------------------------------
What is the worst thing about schizophrenia?
Paying more than once for everything.
-= psychiatrists =-= 35 =-----------------------------------------------------
A man walks into a psychiatrists office and tells him, "I have an identity
problem..... So do I."
-= psychiatrists =-= 36 =-----------------------------------------------------
From comedian Richard Lewis: I've always been a hypochondriac. As a little boy,
I'd eat my M&M's one by one with a glass of water.
-= psychiatrists =-= 37 =-----------------------------------------------------
A man walks into his psychiatrist's office and says, "Hey doc, you know how we
have been talking about Freudian slips? Well, I had the most amazing one last
night. I was eating dinner with my mother-in-law and I meant to say to her,
"Would you please pass the salt," but instead I said, "You fucking bitch, you've
ruined my life!"
-= psychiatrists =-= 38 =-----------------------------------------------------
A Man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. He drinks the beer, than stands
on the bar, drops his pants and pisses all over the place.
The bar tender freaks out. "You dirty disgusting pig! How dare you come
into my bar and urinate! I'll beat the shit out of you..."
The man begins crying. "I'm sorry! Its ruining my life. I can't sleep. I
do it every time I have a drink! It's worrying me to death, please don't hit
me..."
The bar tender takes pity. "Look, I have a brother who is a psychiatrist,
here's his card, why don't you see him?"
The man hugs the bartender, shakes his hand and leaves with a thousand thank
yous...
Six months later, the man walks into the bar, and orders a drink.
The bartender says, "Okay, here you go... Wait! Weren't you that guy who.."
"Yes, And I went and saw your brother. He is fantastic, I am completely
cured."
"Well, that's great. This beer is on the house"
So the man drinks the beer, stands on the bar, drops his trousers and pisses
on the bar.
"You bastard! I thought you said you were cured!"
"I am! It doesn't bother me anymore..."
-= psychiatrists =-= 39 =-----------------------------------------------------
The head doctors in an insane asylum had a meeting and decided that one of
their patients was potentially well. So they decide to test him and take him to
the movies. When they get to the movie theatre, there are signs of wet paint
pointing to the benches. The doctors just sit down, but the patient puts a
newspaper down first and then sits down.
The doctors get all excited cause they think maybe he's in touch with reality
now. So they ask him, "Why did you put the newspaper down first?"
He answers, "So I'd be higher and have a better view."
-= psychiatrists =-= 40 =-----------------------------------------------------
NPR did a story about how people with mental disabilities of various sorts
are being rehabilitated at Lotus. They brought manufacturing of software
packages in house and staffed it, with the help of the Greater Boston
Rehabilitation Services, with people having, among other things, schizophrenia,
bipolar disorder, and severe learning disabilities (those with severe mental
illness were recovering). It sounded like a good program, helping a lot of
people who previously couldn't work or who lost their jobs because of illness
get back on their feet.
They did quote the woman from GBRS as saying that one of her jobs was to make
sure people with compatible problems worked together. It's not a good idea to
place a person who hears voices next to a person who mumbles.
[Lily Tomlin suggested some years ago that NY City ought to pair up all the
street people who mumbled to themselves so they'd look like they were having
conversations. -spaf]
-= psychiatrists =-= 41 =-----------------------------------------------------
A man calls the psychiatrist at a mental hospital and asks who's in room 24.
"Nobody" comes the reply.
"Good" says the man, "I must have escaped."
-= psychiatrists =-= 42 =-----------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a psychiatrist and a psychologist?
If you say to a psychiatrist "I hate my mother", the shrink will ask "Why do you
say that?" while a psychologist will say "Thank you for sharing that with us."
-= psychiatrists =-= 43 =-----------------------------------------------------
"Oh doctor," moaned the woman to the psychiatrist. "Everyone calls me a
nymphomaniac."
"I understand," said the shrink. "But I'll be able to take better notes if
you'll let go of my cock."
-= psychiatrists =-= 44 =-----------------------------------------------------
A mature woman was in the pastorial study counseling for her upcoming fourth
wedding.
"Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?"
"My child, you have been a married woman for many years. Surely that cannot
be."
"Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do
was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it
tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this
time, father, I'm marrying a lawyer and I'm sure I'm going to get screwed."
-= psychiatrists =-= 45 =-----------------------------------------------------
Not A True Story, But What If ...
A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient,
"How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got this
reply...
"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done
it. I got hitched to a widow with a grown daughter who then became my
stepdaughter. My daddy came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely
stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother.
Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he
is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife.
So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my
stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became
my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my
stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter.
Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson. But hold on just a few minutes
more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the
wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you
understand how I got put in this place?"
-= psychiatrists =-= 46 =-----------------------------------------------------
Two psychiatrists pass in the hall. The first says, "Hello." The other thinks,
"I wonder what he meant by that."
-= psychiatrists =-= 47 =-----------------------------------------------------
Psychiatrists say that 1 out of every 4 people are mentally ill... Check 3
friends, if they're okay, you're *it*.
-= psychiatrists =-= 48 =-----------------------------------------------------
The head psychiatrist in an insane asylum had a meeting and decided that one of
their patients was potentially well. So they decide to test him and take him to
the movies. When they get to the movie theatre, there are signs of wet paint
pointing to the benches. The doctors just sit down, but the patient puts a
newspaper down first and then sits down. The doctors get all excited cause they
think maybe he's in touch with reality now. So they ask him, "Why did you put
the newspaper down first?" He answers, "So I'd be higher and have a better
view."
-= psychiatrists =-= 49 =-----------------------------------------------------
A young woman goes to a psychiatrist. When she walks into his office, he says,
"Take off your clothes and get on the couch." A little confused, she did as he
asked. He took off his pants and had sex with her on the couch. When he was
finished, he said, "Well, my problem is solved. Now, what's yours?"
-= psychiatrists =-= 50 =-----------------------------------------------------
A psychiatrist, who was just starting out, advertised his clinic as follows:
"Satisfaction guaranteed or your mania back."
-= psychiatrists =-= 51 =-----------------------------------------------------
The man at the bar, deep in private thoughts of his own, turned to a woman
just passing and said, "Pardon me miss, do you happen to have the time?"
In a strident voice, she responded, "How dare you make such a proposition to
me!"
The man snapped to attention in surprise and was uncomfortably aware that
every pair of eyes in the place had turned to his direction. He mumbled, "I
just asked for the time, miss."
In an even louder voice, the woman shrieked, "I WILL CALL THE POLICE IF YOU
SAY ANOTHER WORD!"
Grabbing his drink and embarrassed very nearly to death, the man hastened to
the far end of the room and huddled at a table, holding his breath and wondering
how soon he could sneak out the door.
Not more than half a minute later, the woman joined him. In a quiet voice,
she said, "I'm terribly sorry to have embarrassed you, but I am a psychologist
and I am studying the reaction of human beings to shocking statments."
The man stared at her for five seconds, then he leaned back and bellowed,
"YOU'D DO ALL THAT FOR ME ALL NIGHT LONG FOR JUST TWO DOLLARS? WHAT'S THAT?
AND YOU'D DO IT TO EVERY GUY IN THIS BAR FOR ANOTHER TEN DOLLARS?!?!"
-= psychiatrists =-= 52 =-----------------------------------------------------
So the two behaviorists had just finished having sex, and the first on turns to
the other, and says, "It was good for you, was it good for me?"
-= psychiatrists =-= 53 =-----------------------------------------------------
In one of my old psychology texts there was a passage which read:
"The functions of the autonomic nervous system can best be remembrered as the
four f's: Fight, Fright, Flight, and reproduction."
-= psychiatrists =-= 54 =-----------------------------------------------------
A child psychologist for a school is asked to see a pupil who draws all his
pictures with black and brown crayons.
He talks to him. Nothing obvious.
He gives him projective tests. Nothing shows up.
Finally, in desperation, he gives him some paper and a box of crayons.
"Oh goody," says the boy, "I get an old box in school and only black and
brown were left."
-= psychiatrists =-= 55 =-----------------------------------------------------
From the "Ottawa Citizen" newspaper, August 13, 1994:
This month, the 'Nose' magazine provides a participatory exercise in the
mass-marketing of neurosis. In a slightly different take on self-help books and
daily meditations, here are a few aphorisms listed in the 'Daily Denegration':
I am no more significant than the person sitting next to me on the bus.
When I feel empowered, I try to remember that someday I too will grow old and
die.
Today, I will rejoice in my own existence by being curt and surly.
Addictive behaviour provides me with a sense of permanence; each cigarette
represents another segment on the karmic wheel.
-= psychiatrists =-= 56 =-----------------------------------------------------
I had to kill my analyst. He helped me alot, but he knew too much.
-= psychiatrists =-= 57 =-----------------------------------------------------
Psychiatry as practiced by some of today's itinerant experts-for-hire is this
century's alchemy. No, that is unfair to alchemists, who were confused but
honest. - George F. Will "Washington Post" June 23, 1982, as quoted in Low, et.
al. 'The Trial of John Hinckley, Jr.: A Case Study in the Insanity Defense'
1986: 132-3.
-= psychiatrists =-= 58 =-----------------------------------------------------
A man goes to a psychiatrist, and they decide to start with a Rorschach test.
He's shown the first picture and sees a man and a woman making love at the
beach. In the second, a man and a woman making love in a hottub. The third has
a man and a woman making love in a park. In all of the pictures, the man sees a
couple making love.
After the test, the psychiatrist looks over his notes and says, "You seem to
have a preoccupation with sex."
The man replies, "You're the one with the dirty pictures."
-= psychiatrists =-= 59 =-----------------------------------------------------
How do you tell the difference between the psychiatrists and the patients at the
mental hospital?
The patients are the ones that eventually get better and go home!
-= psychiatrists =-= 60 =-----------------------------------------------------
A fact that makes you go hmmmm...
More than 20 percent of the nation's psychotherapists work in the New York area.
-= psychiatrists =-= 61 =-----------------------------------------------------
From Late Show with David Letterman; Monday, October 3, 1994
Top Ten Signs your Local TV Weatherman Is Nuts
10. Every night, his forecast is: "It's raining men, hallelujah!"
9. Often asks anchorwoman to switch clothes with him.
8. Uses expensive radar equipment to track Michelle Pfeiffer.
7. "Satellite photos" look suspiciously like Polaroids of a desk globe.
6. Appears to have the first spring robin in his mouth.
5. Seen checking into a Motel 6 with a half-inflated weather balloon.
4. Every night he says, "Lordy mama, it's gonna rain root beer tomorrow!"
3. The symbol on his weather map for an arctic cold front is a snowman giving
the finger.
2. Looks a lot like this pinhead. (videotape of Dave in his TV weatherman days)
1. He's got a tropical storm in his pants.
-= psychiatrists =-= 62 =-----------------------------------------------------
In July 1994, Mikael Phillips cut off both hands with a power saw in the
maintenance shop at the G. Pierce Wood Memorial psychiatric hospital in Arcadia,
Fla. He told authorities later that he wanted to hurt himself badly because he
thought that would surely convince the authorities to release him from the
hospital.
-= psychiatrists =-= 63 =-----------------------------------------------------
Heard from NY Disk Jockey Bob Shannon on WCBS-FM, an oldies station:
A Stanford research group advertised for participants in a study of obsessive-
compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had been
diagnosed with this disorder. The response was gratifying; they got 3,000
responses about three days after the ad came out.
All from the same person.
-= psychiatrists =-= 64 =-----------------------------------------------------
Fun Things To Do At A Therapist's Office
Some ways to make sure you get an interesting prescription:
1. Ask to borrow a comb, comb your tongue.
2. Take random objects in his office and glue them to the floor.
3. Refuse to cooperate unless he trades his pants.
4. Bring pots and pans. Bang them together when he asks a question you don't
like.
5. After everything he says, say, "And how does that make you feel?"
6. Point at random things and say, "Where did you get that?"
7. Complain that his chair looks more comfortable.
8. Repeat over and over, "I'm not hanging out with a bad influence, I AM a bad
influence!"
9. Sit underneath your chair.
10. Stand on your head.
11. Kill spiders on the wall with your fist. Eat what sticks to your hand and
leave the rest sticking to the wall. Draw a circle around it to make sure
everyone sees it.
12. Never stop smiling.
13. Scream every word.
14. Repeatedly tell him to look at the ceiling. When he finally does,
repeatedly tell him to look at the chair. When he finally does, repeatedly
tell him to look at the desk, etc...
15. Put your shoes on the wrong feet.
16. Try to seduce him with chocolate donuts.
17. Try to talk him into sitting on the floor.
18. Tell him Matlock is the key to all your problems.
19. Eat his books.
20. Talk to his leg.
21. Don't face him when he talks to you.
22. Talk really slowly.
23. Try to eat your hand.
24. If he offers you coffee, ask him to spill it on your lap.
25. Make sure you make butt-prints in his couch.
26. Pretend you hear music.
27. Tell him you think his secretary is really a man.
28. Pretend to drink.
29. Offer him an imaginary cookie.
-= psychiatrists =-= 65 =-----------------------------------------------------
Three lunatics wanted to run away from a mental hospital. The first one passes
the guard, makes a sound of a cat, and continues. The second one does exactly
the same; makes the sound of cat and gets out. The third man then passes near
the guard and yells, "I'm a cat too!"
-= psychiatrists =-= 65 =-----------------------------------------------------
From the "The New Mexican", Santa Fe, NM, newspaper, Monday 3/6/95 Mark Oswald,
staff writer, reporting in his column, Capitol Chronicle, on the current
two-month New Mexico legislative session.
During discussion by the Senate of a serious piece of legislation concerning the
psychology profession last week, Sen. Duncan Scott, R-Albuquerque, proposed an
amendment. It says:
"When a psychologist or psychiatrist testifies during a defendant's
competency hearing, the psychologist or psychiatrist shall wear a cone-shaped
hat that is not less than 2 feet tall. The surface of the hat shall be
imprinted with stars and lightning bolts.
Additionally, a psychologist or psychiatrist shall be required to don a white
beard that is not less than 18 inches in length, and shall punctuate crucial
elements of his testimony by stabbing the air with a wand. Whenever a
psychologist or psychiatrist provides expert testimony regarding the defendant's
competency, the bailiff shall contemporaneously dim the courtroom lights and
administer two strikes to a Chinese gong."
Usually, anything proposed by Scott, whose hard-core conservatism is like cod
liver oil for the Senate's Democratic majority, goes nowhere. But his wizard-
hat amendment was warmly received and passed by a voice vote. It is now part of
Sen. Richard Romero's psychologist bill, as the measure moves to the House.
================================================================================
== SEX THERAPISTS ==============================================================
-= sex therapists =-= 1 =----------------------------------------------------
An elderly couple went into a doctor. They told the doctor, "We're having
some trouble with our sex life. Could you watch and offer some suggestions?"
The doctor replied, "I'm not a sex therapist. You should find someone else."
The couple said, "No, No, we trust you."
After watching them have sex, the doctor said, "You don't seem to be having
any troubles. I wish my sex life was as good. I can't give you any
suggestions."
This was repeated the next week and also the third week. After they had
finished on the third week, the doctor said, "You aren't having any trouble. Is
this your idea of kinky sex?"
The man replied, "No, actually the problem is that if we have sex at my
house, my wife will catch us. If we have sex at her house, her husband will
catch us. The motel charges us $50, and we can't afford that. You only charge
$35, and Medicare pays half of that."
-= sex therapists =-= 2 =----------------------------------------------------
An 83-year-old man married a vivacious 19-year-old college coed. He was
quite content, but after a few weeks, she told him that she was going to leave
him if she didn't get some satisfying sex real soon.
So the man went to a sex therapist who then gave him a very high-priced shot
of spermatozoa extracted from the rare Siberian road runner; the treatment cost
him $60,000. "Now look," said the doctor. "The only way you're going to get it
hard is to say 'beep', and then to get it soft again, you say 'beep beep'."
"How marvelous!" the old man said.
"Yes, but I must warn you," the doctor said, "it will only work three times
in your life and then the spermatozoa tire out and die. And we don't have any
more of this spermatozoa extract. The Siberian road runner has been extinct for
over a decade now."
On his way home, the old man decided that he wasn't going to live through
three bouts of sex anyway, so he decided to waste one of the beeps to try it
out.
"Beep!" he said.
Immediately, his penis got hard and turned itself into a huge erection.
Satisfied that it works, he then said, "Beep! Beep!", and his penis got soft
again. The old man chuckled with delight and anticipation.
Having lost his attention to driving momentarily and veering into another
lane, a car next to him went "Beep!" and the car behind him also responded with
"Beep! Beep!".
Realizing that this noise used up his second erection, the man raced home and
ran into the house as fast as he could for his last great fuck. "Honey!" he
shouted at his young wife. "Don't ask any questions. Just drop your clothes
and hop into bed."
The old man nervously undressed and hollered "Beep!" which instantly gave him
a large ten-inch erection.
Caught up in his excitement, she stripped off all her clothes and jumped on
the bed smiling with delight as she eyed his swollen member. Then just as he
was mounting her and starting to put it in the tender young wife, she said,
"Alright! Now we're really smokin'!!! But what's all this 'beep beep' shit?"
-= sex therapists =-= 3 =----------------------------------------------------
An older couple were having trouble with their sex life, so the wife went to
a sex therapist and was advised to try sexercises. He gave the wife a list of
them to do each day.
Later that night as the couple were getting ready for bed, the husband went
to take a shower and the wife thought she'd try out her sexercises. She got
undressed and rolled back on her shoulders and placed her feet on the headboard.
About that time, her husband came out of the bathroom and looked over at the
bed and said, "For god's sake, Maevis, comb your hair and put your teeth back
in. You look just like your mother!"
-= sex therapists =-= 4 =----------------------------------------------------
A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that her husband
is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do
about it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might
do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and
come back in the morning and tell her what happened.
The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill
worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist
what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she
doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.
The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the
therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would
happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn't know, but to
go ahead and try it.
The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist that
the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband
the rest of the bottle. The therapist says she doesn't know; it's an
experimental drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a person.
Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's office and put the rest of the bottle
of pills in the husband's morning coffee.
A week later, a boy walks into the therapist's office and says: "Are you the
dumb fuck who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?"
"Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?"
"Well, mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my ass hurts, and dad's sittin' in
the corner going 'Here, kitty, kitty, kitty...'"
-= sex therapists =-= 5 =----------------------------------------------------
This guy took his nymphomaniac wife to the sex therapist for treatment.
"This is one hot potato of a lady, doctor," he said, "Maybe you can do something
for her? She goes for any man, any age, any time, any where...and it is just
driving me crazy with jealousy."
"We'll see," the therapist said. He directed the wife into his examining
room, closed the door behind her, and told her to get undressed. Then he told
her to get up onto the examining table on her stomach.
The moment he touched her buttocks, she began to squirm and moan. It was too
much for him to resist, so he climbed up on top of her and began screwing her.
The husband suddenly hears the moans and groans coming from the examination
room. Very suspicious, he bursts into the room and is confronted by the sight
of the doctor astride his wife and banging away.
"Doctor, what are you doing?!?" he asked.
Flustered, the therapist replied, "Oh, it's you! I'm only taking your wife's
temperature!"
The husband pulled out a large pocket knife and began to hone it deliberately
on his sleeve. "Well, doc," he said, "when you take that thing out, it better
have numbers on it!"
-= sex therapists =-= 6 =----------------------------------------------------
A guy went to his doctor full of anger. "Doc," he said, "I feel like
killing my wife. You've got to help me. Please tell me what I should do."
The doctor thought for a moment. "Look," he said, "here are some pills.
Take these twice a day and they'll allow you to fuck your wife six time a day.
If you do this for thirty days, you'll finally screw her to death. And the
autopsy will just show that she died of heart failure during sex."
"Wonderful, doc," said the grateful patient. "I'll start with this right
away."
He left with the bottle of pills and a smile on his face.
Nearly a month passed. One day, while on a medical convention, the doctor
passed by the patient coming down the sidewalk in a wheelchair, just barely
managing to move forward.
"What happened?" asked the doctor. "What happened to your wife?"
"Don't worry, doc," the patient reassured him, "two more days and she'll be
dead."
-= sex therapists =-= 7 =----------------------------------------------------
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of
years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible
compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife
suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill
indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on
his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could
see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my
penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
-= sex therapists =-= 8 =----------------------------------------------------
M.B.A.s Are Best
As if there aren't enough people applying to business school already, a new
study suggests that married M.B.A.s enjoy sex more than other professionals.
M.B.A.s had the highest score in a preliminary sexual-satisfaction index
compiled by Jennifer Knopf, a sex therapist at Northwestern University; Ph.D.s,
in contrast, had the lowest score. Lawyers and doctors were in the middle. The
80 married couples surveyed received points based on sexual problems, how
satisfying their sex life was, how often they desired intercourse, and how often
they had it.
-= sex therapists =-= 9 =----------------------------------------------------
A therapist told a woman to use some imagination while making love with her
husband to spice things up.
She replied, "You mean imagine that it's good?!"
-= sex therapists =-= 10 =----------------------------------------------------
"I'm worried," said the woman to her sex therapist. "I happened to find my
daughter and the little boy next door both naked and examining each other's
bodies."
"That's not unusual," smiled the therapist. "I wouldn't worry about it."
"But I am worried, doctor," insisted the woman, "and so is my daughter's
husband!"
-= sex therapists =-= 11 =----------------------------------------------------
A woman went to see a sex therapist with a peculiar problem.
"My husband," she said, "always falls asleep with his erect penis inside of
me."
"Is that a problem?" asked the therapist.
"Well," she said, "the problem is he walks in his sleeps."
-= sex therapists =-= 12 =----------------------------------------------------
A young couple left the sex therapist's office determined to develop more
effective body language.
"Alright," said the husband, "when I want sex, I'll rub your right breast.
When I don't want sex, I'll rub your left breast."
"Okay," said the wife, "What should I do then?"
"Well, when you want to have sex," he told her, "rub my penis once. When
you don't want any sex, rub it 200 times."
-= sex therapists =-= 13 =----------------------------------------------------
A sex therapist was doing research at the local college when one of the male
volunteers told him, "When I get it in part way, my vision blurs. And when I
get it all the way in, I can't see a thing."
"Hmmm...that's an interesting optical reaction to sex," said the researcher.
"Would you mind if I had a look at it?"
So the volunteer stuck out his tongue.
-= sex therapists =-= 14 =----------------------------------------------------
The couple visited a sex clinic to complain that their sex life had become a
bore.
Each night, the man would arrive home. His wife would prepare supper. After
supper, they'd watch two hours of television. Immediately afterwards, they would
go to bed. From that point on, every move was routine.
"No wonder," the sex therapist said. "You've mad sex monotonous. Stop living
on a schedule. Get into sex whenever you feel like it. Don't wait until bedtime
each night to do it. Do it whenever you get into the mood."
The couple agreed to try the advice. They returned the following week.
"How did things work out?" the sex therapist asked.
The man and his wife were beaming. "It worked! It worked great!!!"
"Tell me about it," said the therapist.
"Well, two nights after we saw you last, we were eating supper when I noticed
that although it was only seven o'clock, I had this huge erection that was
unstoppable. Sweetie pie here was staring at it with longing eyes. So I didn't
wait for any shower or any news broadcast. Instead, I reached out, ripped off
her blouse and bra. Then I tore off her panties. I flung her right onto the
table, spilling all the wine and soup in the process. Then I unzipped my fly
and pulled out my cock and we began to screw. Man, we fucked and fucked like we
never fucked before!!"
"That's wonderful!!" said the sex therapist. "I told you it would work if
you did it when the spirit moved you!"
"Only one thing," said the man a little sadly. "They're not ever going to let
us come back to the restaurant at The Ritz Hotel any longer."
================================================================================
== SURGEONS ====================================================================
-= surgeons =-= 1 =----------------------------------------------------------
A well known rich businessman's wife broke her hip. The businessman got the
best bone surgeon in town to do the operation. The operation consisted of
lining up the broken hip and putting in a screw to secure it. The operation
went fine, and the doctor sent the business man a fee for his services of $5000.
The businessman was outraged at the cost, and sent the doctor a letter demanding
an itemized list of the costs. The doctor sent back a list with two things:
1 screw $ 1
Knowing how to put it in $4999
$5000 total
The businessman never argued.
-= surgeons =-= 2 =----------------------------------------------------------
"What kind of job do you do?" a lady passenger asked the man traveling in her
compartment.
"I'm a naval surgeon," he replied.
"Goodness!" said the lady, "How you doctors specialize these days!"
-= surgeons =-= 3 =----------------------------------------------------------
How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They would wait for a suitable donor and do a filament transplant.
-= surgeons =-= 4 =----------------------------------------------------------
A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy.
Shortly after he recovers from his an anesthetic, his surgeon comes in and
tells him: "Well, I've got good news and I've got bad news for you."
"Give me the bad news first, Doc." says the patient.
"I'm afraid that we accidentally cut your balls off during surgery, son."
"Oh my god!" the patient cries, breaking into tears.
"But the good news," the doctor adds, "is that we had them biopsied and
you'll be relieved to know that they weren't malignant!"
-= surgeons =-= 5 =----------------------------------------------------------
Three things nobody wants to hear the surgeon say:
Oops.
Has anyone seen my watch?
That was some party last night. I can't remember WHEN I've been that drunk.
-= surgeons =-= 6 =----------------------------------------------------------
Charles Erickson, 65, won $95,000 in a La Crosse, Wis., trial in March because a
6-inch clamp was left inside his body after a lung operation. Erickson said he
had not planned to sue, but then Lutheran Hospital sent him a bill for the
subsequent operation, which was soley to remove the clamp.
-= surgeons =-= 7 =----------------------------------------------------------
At an international meeting, to surgeons were having an argument. The Indian
surgeon was saying, "No no no, I am telling you it is Woomba"
The African surgeon is saying, "No Man, it is Whoooooommmmmm"
They go on like this for about 10 minutes. Up comes the English surgeon, and
interrupts them. "Excuse me chaps, but I do believe that the word you are
trying to say is "Womb."
After he has gone away, the African turns to the Indian and says, "I bet you
he has never even seen a hippopotamus, never mind heard one fart under water.
-= surgeons =-= 8 =----------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the surgeon who used to be a collegiate quarterback that was
bumped in the middle of doing a circumcision?
He slipped and got the sack!
-= surgeons =-= 9 =----------------------------------------------------------
An American, an Englishman and a Japanese fellow were discussing their
respective countries over drink at a London pub one evening. The English fellow
mentioned how that British medicine had progressed so far that doctors recently
had taken a single liver and cut it into six pieces then transplanted it into
six separate men in need of a healthy liver. This had resulted in six new
workers in the job market.
At this, the Japanese guy said that in his country doctors had cut a lung
into twelve pieces, transplanted these into twelve people in need of healthy
lungs, thereby putting twelve new people in the job market.
Not to be outdone, the American said, "That's nothing. In the U. S., we took
one asshole, made it President, and now there are 10 million people in the
market for a job!"
-= surgeons =-= 10 =----------------------------------------------------------
A professor watched while a mechanic removed engine parts from his car to get
to the valves. A surgeon, waiting for his car being repaired, walked over to
observe the process. After they introduced themselves, they began talking and
the talk turned to their lines of work.
"You know, doctor," the professor said, "I sometimes believe this type of
work is complicated as the work we do."
"Perhaps," the surgeon replied. "But let's see him do it when the engine is
running."
-= surgeons =-= 11 =----------------------------------------------------------
At a party, an Israeli doctor says, "Medicine is so advanced in our country,
that we can take a kidney from one person, and put it into another, and have him
looking for work in six weeks."
A German doctor says, "We can take the heart and the lungs from a cadaver,
and transplant them into a living person, and he'll be looking for work in three
months."
An American social worker says, "We took a quarter million assholes from the
USSR, and transplanted them to Brighton Beach, and not a single one is looking
for work!"
-= surgeons =-= 12 =----------------------------------------------------------
After the microsurgeons congress in New York, the leading surgeons sat in a
bar and drank some beer. When they got loaded, they began bragging about their
greatest triumphs.
The first surgeon, an Australian, told, "We once had a guy that had been
squashed in a press in a printing works house last year. The only thing that was
left was the left little finger. Our team of surgeons managed to construct a new
hand, they built a new arm and a new body, so that when he finally went back to
work, he became so efficient that he made five people unemployed.
That's nothing, said an American surgeon. We had a worker that got stuck in
a nuclear reactor. The only thing that was left was the hair. We made a new
head, a new body and new organs, and then we sent him back to the working life.
He got so efficient that he made 50 people unemployed.
The Swedish surgeon didn't want to be any worse so he said, "One day, when I
was out walking I felt the smell of a fart. I put the fart in a bag and carried
it to the hospital, let it out on the table and started working. First we
wrapped the fart in an asshole, built a new ass and attached a body to it.
Finally, it became a man named Carl Bildt (Swedish prime minister) and he's
making a whole fucking country unemployed.
-= surgeons =-= 13 =----------------------------------------------------------
Once I was sick and I had to go to an ear, nose, and throat man to get well.
There are ear doctors, nose doctors, throat doctors, gynecologists,
proctologists, any place you got a hole, there's a guy who specializes in your
hole. They make an entire career out of that hole. And if the ear doctor, nose
doctor, throat doctor, gynecologist, or proctologist can't help you, he sends
you to a surgeon. Why? So he can make a new hole!
================================================================================
== MEDICINE ====================================================================
-= medicine =-= 1 =----------------------------------------------------------
Daffynitions
Constipation: To have and to hold.
-= medicine =-= 2 =----------------------------------------------------------
Doctors at King's College Hospital in London reported that Baby, a two year
old collie-Doberman, was apparently responsible for detecting a malignant tumor
on her owner's thigh. She ignored moles and other marks on the body but spent
several minutes each day sniffing the tumor, attempting twice to bite it off.
After several weeks, the owner finally sought medical advice.
A recent study noted in The Journal of the American Medical Association
reported that, of two groups that entered a San Francisco hospital with equally
bad heart problems, the group that enjoyed prayer support from others had fewer
complications.
-= medicine =-= 3 =----------------------------------------------------------
An young man, on his first visit to a big city decides to go visit the local
whorehouse. A little while later he starts to feel sick. He goes to see a
doctor of internal medicine. The doctor examines him and says, "Well son, I
don't know how to tell you this, but you've got a bad case of syphilis,
gonorrhea, and about 12 other things I can't spell. I'm afraid I'm going to
have to give you this medicine. It'll make you get better but it'll also cause
your penis to shrivel up and disappear. It's going to cost you $1000."
This doesn't make our friend very happy so he goes and sees a surgeon. The
surgeon examines him and says, "Sorry, but it looks like a nice mix of syphilis,
gonorrhea, and a few other things to boot. Afraid I'm going to have to cut your
dick off and charge you $2000."
By this time the guy is desperate so he goes to see a doctor of holistic
medicine. The doctor examines him and comes to essentially the same conclusion
as the other doctors: an advanced case of V. D. However, his approach to the
problem is designed to save the patient unnecessary expense, trauma, and worry:
"Look, just go home and eat lots of good food, get plenty of rest, and gets lots
of sunshine and fresh air. Wait about two weeks and your dick will fall off all
by itself."
-= medicine =-= 4 =----------------------------------------------------------
It is recounted that at King's College in the Strand around the time of the
war, the Chief of Services would inevitably begin the year's rounds by teaching
"a singularly important principle of medicine." He asked a nurse to fetch him a
sample of urine. He then talked at length about diabetes mellitus. "Diabetes,"
he said, "is a greek name; but the Romans noticed that the bees like the urine
of diabetics, so they added the word mellitus which means sweet as honey. Well,
as you know, you may find sugar in the urine of a diabetic..."
By now, the nurse had returned with a sample of urine which the registrar
promptly held up like a trophy. We stared at that straw colored fluid as if we
had never seen such a thing before. The registrar then startled us. He dipped
a finger boldly into the urine, then licked his finger with the tip of his
tongue. As if tasting wine, he opened and closed his lips rapidly. Could he
perhaps detect a faint taste of sugar? The sample was passed on to us for an
opinion. We all dipped a finger into the fluid, all of us foolishly licked that
finger.
"Now," said the Registrar grinning, "you have learned the first principle of
diagnosis. I mean the power of observation."
We were baffled. We stood near the sluice room outside the ward, and in the
distance, some anonymous patient was explosively coughing.
"You see," the registrar said continuing triumphantly, "I dipped my MIDDLE
finger into the urine, but licked my INDEX finger, not like all you chaps."
-= medicine =-= 5 =----------------------------------------------------------
A young woman was in the hospital, recovering from major surgery. She hated
being stuck in the tiny little room all day and to make matters worse, the daily
routine was starting to get to her. Every morning, for example, the nurse would
bring her breakfast (which always consisted of an egg, piece of toast, and glass
of apple juice). She would then return a little bit later to empty the urine
bottle. And so it continued...
Finally, one morning, she decided to have a little fun. She ate the eggs and
the toast, but went to the bathroom where she cleaned the urine bottle out, then
poured the apple juice into it. When the nurse returned later that morning, he
took a look at the bottle and a frown came over his face.
"Obviously, you enjoyed your breakfast, but something must be wrong because
this looks a little cloudy," he said, pointing to the urine bottle.
"Oh, really?" she replied, picking up the bottle in question and putting it
to her lips. "In that case, we'd better run it through again..."
-= medicine =-= 6 =----------------------------------------------------------
Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says,
"Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven
o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They
give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."
The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old.
Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long.
They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."
Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every
morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every
morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."
-= medicine =-= 7 =----------------------------------------------------------
An old man of 87 went to the hospital to get a radical new surgical procedure
done where they stretch the skin and pull all the wrinkles up onto the top of
the scalp making you appear years younger.
On his way out of the hospital, he met an old friend who didn't recognize him
at first. "Rob, is that really you?" said the friend. "You look years younger.
I didn't know you had a dimple in your chin."
"It's not a dimple, it's my belly button" said the old man and his friend
laughed. "If you think that's funny, take a look at what I'm wearing for a tie."
-= medicine =-= 8 =----------------------------------------------------------
A waiter in a Brighton Beach restaurant is so harried, he has no time to go to
the bathroom, so he pisses into a big vat of borscht. Later he serves the
borscht to a client whom he recognizes as his doctor. He asks: "Doctor, do you
think this borscht too sweet? Can you taste sugar?" The doctor tries it and
says, "No." "Thank you, doctor! The medicine you prescribed me must have
helped."
-= medicine =-= 9 =----------------------------------------------------------
When my wife went in the hospital for surgery several years ago, a rule
prohibited children under 12 from visiting patients. Our 11-year-old seemed to
understand, but our six-year-old took the restriction very hard.
We discovered why she was so unusually upset when we heard her talking to her
mother on the phone for the first time. As she said goodbye, she tearfully
exclaimed, "I'll see you when I'm 12, mom!"
-= medicine =-= 10 =----------------------------------------------------------
Sign seen on the door of a medical school building:
Staph Only
-= medicine =-= 11 =----------------------------------------------------------
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
-= medicine =-= 12 =----------------------------------------------------------
Tiny Bug In H. S. "Genome" Causes Massive Humanity Failure
Officials responsible for a spiral galaxy near the middle section of the
universe revealed today that a small error in an encoding for the life form
"Homo sapiens" was responsible for the near extinction of the partly intelligent
species. The change had been introduced during routine maintenance of the life
form. Officials explained that the maintenance had been intended to improve the
survivability of the species, but inadequate testing had caused it to become
susceptible to a new sexually transmitted disease.
Senior universe officials expressed disappointment in the control of the life
forms in the galaxy, citing a series of malfunctions, especially near a yellow
star at the edge. The H. S. Species has required several patches in the field
and still seems unstable. The latest change was not tested in alternative
universes due to lax controls and lack of funding.
Other officials cited inadequate specification and design review. "How can
we guarantee that the species works without a formal definition of what it is?"
lamented one senior observer. "These things just look like collections of cells
- they just sort of grow. There's no mathematical model that can be used to
verify it. I don't see how they ever got it started in the first place."
Insiders feel that the species can be rescued, but expressed doubt about its
long-term viability. The estimate of the time needed for a thorough review of
the documentation, writing the formal specifications, and verifying the genome
encoding, expressibility, and environmental testing, is greater than the
lifetime of the universe.
Meanwhile, yet another mutation and alteration of the local laws of physics
will be required to back out of this particular upgrade. With funding already
stretched, this setback might just spell the end of H. S.
The formally verified Vulcan species, originally slated for production next
year, has been delayed due to a series of technical problems and is now
scheduled for beta testing after the next big bang.
-= medicine =-= 13 =----------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the two blood corpuscles named Romeo and Juliet?
They loved in vein.
-= medicine =-= 14 =----------------------------------------------------------
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in your genes.
What do brown eyes and brown diarrhea have in common?
They both run in your genes.
-= medicine =-= 15 =----------------------------------------------------------
Then there is the joke about the homeopath who forgot to take his medicine and
died of an overdose.
-= medicine =-= 16 =----------------------------------------------------------
Have you heard about the new medication that both an aphrodisiac and laxative?
It's called "Easy Come, Easy Go".
-= medicine =-= 17 =----------------------------------------------------------
Did you here about the pharmaceutical company? They developed a new drug that,
when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent. The FDA refused
to license it, though. Seems it was habit-forming.
-= medicine =-= 18 =----------------------------------------------------------
From "News Of The Weird":
Reuters News Service reported in December,1993 that a 72-year-old retired
gardener in England was credited with self-diagnosis of a tear in his bladder.
The man diagnosed his condition by urinating into a plant pot; eventually a
tomato plant sprouted. Doctors said that this indicated a leakage - in this
case, of microscopic tomato seeds - between his bowel and his bladder. Doctors
said growing urine cultures is the ordinary way of detecting such a tear but
that this was the first self-diagnosis they had heard of.
In a report in the August,1993 "Archives of Dermatology", a 39-year-old woman in
Cleveland complaining of bad hair was reported to have the first adult case of
"acquired uncombable hair," which produces permanently coarse, tangled hair.
Her condition was attributed to a side effect of a diuretic.
-= medicine =-= 19 =----------------------------------------------------------
From the "Selling It" column in the August issue of Consumer Reports:
In a sales letter sent to physicians, the Lynn Medical Instrument Co. offered an
electronic heart monitor. What struck the physician who sent the letter along
to us was the boast that the unit "allows for early detection of sudden cardiac
death." We're wondering how much the deceased will appreciate that feature.
-= medicine =-= 20 =----------------------------------------------------------
These came from a program which was shown on Public Television during the fund
drive in September of 1991. The program was "Love, Medicine and Miracles.":
Attention: The meeting of the Apathy Support Group has been cancelled due to
lack of interest.
-= medicine =-= 21 =----------------------------------------------------------
I just bought some Gravol for my kids. It's even called "Gravol for Children".
It has dosage information for children 2 to under 6 years, and for children 6 to
under 12 years. There is no dosage information for anybody older than 12 years
old. But there is the following:
Caution: Do not exceed the recommended dosage. May cause drowsiness. Avoid
driving a motor vehicle or performing tasks requiring mental alertness. Avoid
alcoholic beverages. Do not take if you have: glaucoma, chronic lung disease,
difficulty in urination due to an enlargement of the prostate gland, or if you
are pregnant or breast-feeding unless directed by a physician.
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