.TH food humor \n(mo/\n(dy/\n(yr "Food And Waiter Humor"
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Canonical List Of Food And Waiter Humor (A Fly In My Soup)
Archive-Name: food [plain text version]
food.html [HTML Web version]
Last-Modified: 95/03/01
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CONTENTS
FOOD HUMOR
WAITER/WAITRESS HUMOR
================================================================================
== FOOD HUMOR ==================================================================
-= food humor =-= 1 =--------------------------------------------------------
Banana Nut Loaf Recipe
2 laughing eyes 2 bowing arms
2 well-shaped legs 2 firm milk containers
1 fur-lined mixing bowl 1 large banana
2 whole nuts
Look into laughing eyes, spread well-shaped legs, and slowly squeeze and massage
milk containers until mixing bowl is well greased. Check frequently with middle
finger. Add banana and gently work in and out until creamed. Cover with nuts
and garnish with a sigh of relief. Bread is done when banana is soft. Be sure
to wash mixing utensils and do not lick the bowl.
Warning: If bread rises, leave town!
-= food humor =-= 2 =--------------------------------------------------------
Chicken Delight Recipe
1 Tender young chicken
2 legs
2 breasts
1 banana
2 nuts
1 cherry
Take tender young chick into your arms. Fill hands with breasts and knead
gently. Take legs and spread apart. Drop in banana and stir until hot.
Increase motion until cherry pops, banana creams, and nuts crack. Let cool.
-= food humor =-= 3 =--------------------------------------------------------
Here's my favorite recipe for fruit cake.
You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two
cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of
brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whisky.
Sample the whisky to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest
quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer,
beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and
beat again.
Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer.
Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on
the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a
drewscriver.
Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or
something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain
your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can
find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off
the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whisky again and go to
bed.
-= food humor =-= 4 =--------------------------------------------------------
Best Ever Rum Cake
1 teaspoon sugar 2 bottles rum
1 cup dried mixed fruit 2 cups brown sugar
1 teaspoon soda 1 cup butter
2 large eggs 1/2 cup baking powder
1 ounce lemon juice 1/2 pound mixed nuts
Before starting, sample the rum to check quality. It should be smooth and not
at all harsh to the palate. Then proceed.
Select large mixing bowl. Check rum again. It must be just right. To be
sure rum is of proper quality, pour level cup of rum into a glass and drink it
as fast as you can. Repeat.
With electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1
seaspoon of thugar and beat again.
Meanwhile, make sure rum is still okay right. Try another cup. Open second
bottle ifffxx, if necessary.
Add 2 arg leggs, 2 cubs fried druit and beat tll high. If druit gets stuck
in beeters, pry loose with drewscriber.
Sample rum again, checking for tonscisticity.
Next sift 3 cups pepper of salt, really doesn't matter. Sample rum. Sift
1/2 pint lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add a
bablespoon of brown thugar or whatever color you can find. Wix mell.
Greese oven. Turn cake pan to 350 gredees. Pour mess into boven and ake.
Check rum once more and zen bo to ged.
-= food humor =-= 5 =--------------------------------------------------------
How To Make Spam
Hi kids! I'm Copious Barfon, the leading chef for iffy recipes in the US, and
today I'm going to show you how to make a *jumbo size pack of Spam (tm), one
that's so BIG you will have enough for you and ALL your friends! But watch out,
I can't guarantee they'll still be friends after they've tried it. (Note: I had
to change the ingredients slightly to keep animal rights groups from suing me.)
Ingredients:
One cow (a terminally depressed, suicidal cow that has no desire whatever to
live anymore and is quite happy to sacrifice its life to be an ingredient in
suspect cuisine)
One pig (with a similar outlook on life to the cow)
A ten kilo slice of whale blubber
A large pot of moisturiser
A can of petrol
Utensils:
A cement mixer
A clothes peg
Two hand guns
Directions:
Put the peg on your nose and mix the petrol up with the whale blubber. Feed
the pig half of this mixture, the cow the other half. Pigs will eat anything,
but the cow may need some persuasion even if it's suicidal.
If all else fails, hold its nose until it moos in protest and shove it all in
quickly. Give the cow a pat on the back, but don't let it give you one.
Allow the animals a few hours to digest it, then take their last wills and
testaments before providing each one with a hand gun.
After they shoot themselves, and you have stood for a minutes respectful
silence, carve the animals up into three piles. Pile A for the bones, brains
and balls, Pile B for the fat, Pile C for the best cuts.
Throw Pile C away, you won't need it. Keep Pile B for when you next visit
Burger King; they need all the fat they can get for their Bacon Double
Cheesburgers. Place Pile A in the cement mixer, and turn it on. After an hour,
it should start to resemble Spam. Taste it, and you'll tell by that feeling of
faint nausea, that this is indeed Spam. But it is not yet spreadable! So Add
the moisturiser until it is.
And there you have it!
-= food humor =-= 6 =--------------------------------------------------------
This recipe actually came from a recipe book:
Elephant Stew
Ingredients:
1 Elephant Salt and Pepper to taste
2 Rabbits (optional) 40 gal. Brown Gravy
Directions:
Cut elephant into bite-size pieces. Cover with brown gravy. Cook over low heat
about 4 weeks. This will serve 4,200 people. If more people are expected, the
2 rabbits may be added, but do this only if necessary as most people do not like
to find hare in their stew.
ACHE (Atlanta Center for Humorous Expression)
-= food humor =-= 7 =--------------------------------------------------------
This Is What Happens When A Fly Lands On Your Food
Flies can't eat solid food, so to soften it up, they vomit on it. Then they
stamp the vomit in until it's a liquid, usually stamping in a few grams for good
measure. Then when its good and runny, they suck it all back again, probably
dropping some excrement at the same time. And then...when they've finished
eating, ...it's your turn.
(Prize winning poster, Health Education Council)
-= food humor =-= 8 =--------------------------------------------------------
The other day, I dropped a piece of bread and it fell butter side up. I was
convinced that I'd buttered the wrong side of the bread.
-= food humor =-= 9 =--------------------------------------------------------
The Gastronomical Bean Story
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked
beans. He loved them, he adored them, he yearned for them. But they always had
a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. Then one day, he met a
girl and fell in love. When it was apparent to him that they would marry, he
thought to himself, "She is such a sweet and gentle girl that she would never go
for this kind of carrying on."
Thus, he realized she might be embarrassed and humiliated by his addiction to
baked beans. So, he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beloved baked
beans.
They were married shortly thereafter.
Some months later his car broke down on the way home from work. Since they
lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late
because he had to walk home. On the way, he passed a small cafe and decided to
call his wife and tell her that he would be late for supper. As he entered the
cafe, the smell of baked beans overwhelmed him. He still had several miles to
go, and decided that he could walk off any side effects before reaching home.
But before he knew it, he had eaten three large plates of baked beans. Even
as he left the cafe, the effects began to be felt. All the way home he putt-
putted and after arriving, felt reasonably safe that he had putt-putted his
last. Just as he reached his home, however, he felt a great rumbling inside and
was seized with a terrible urgency. As he waited just outside his front door to
release one last noxious output, his wife threw open the door. She seemed
somewhat excited to see him and exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful
surprise for dinner tonight." She then blindfolded him and then led him to his
chair at the head of the table.
He seated himself, and just as she was ready to remove the blindfold, the
telephone rang. She made him vow not to touch the blindfold until she returned,
then went to answer the phone. When she had gone for the phone, he seized the
opportunity, shifted his weight to one leg, and loudly broke wind. It was not
only sonorous, but also ripe as rotten eggs. He took the napkin from his lap
and vigorously fanned the air about him.
Things had just returned to normal when he felt another urge coming on him,
so he shifted his weight to the other leg and let go again. This was a true
prize winner; it sounded like a tuba and smelled so bad that he started gagging.
While keeping his ear on the conversation in the hall, he went on like this for
ten minutes letting out powerful bursts that rattled the windows and shook the
dishes on the table until he knew the phone farewells from his wife indicated
the end of his freedom.
He placed his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it, and
smiling contentedly to himself, he was the very picture of innocence when his
wife returned, apologizing for taking so long. She asked if he had peeked and
he, of course, assured her that he had not. At this point, she removed the
blindfold, and there was his surprise. Twelve dinner guests seated around the
table for a Happy Birthday party for him.
-= food humor =-= 10 =--------------------------------------------------------
An interesting recipe in "Cook Book: Favorite Recipes From Our Best Cooks",
which is a collection of recipes from the community of Edina, Minnesota. This
recipe was submitted by a youth minister.
Bachelor Salad
1 head lettuce 1 bottle salad dressing
(any kind, not Roquefort)
Wash head of lettuce over sink, pour dressing intact on head of lettuce, eat
over sink; no cleaning, no dishes, no silverware!
-= food humor =-= 11 =--------------------------------------------------------
Are you a fan of the Original Salad Shooter, but find yourself in need of MORE
POWER?
Do you feel a need to launch tomatoes at neighbors, but can't throw?
NEVER FEAR! The New Salad Shooter 1000x is made just for YOU!
In fact, if you can't get at least a 100 foot range, we guarantee a 100% refund!
The SS 1000x is perfect for going beyond the call of duty! Instead of chopping
vegetable for a salad, it purees it! And shoots it a minimum of 20 yards, on
the lowest power setting no less!
Did your mother tell you not to play with your food? Studies by psychologists
have shown the severe mental trauma this entails. So the SS 1000x is made just
for you!
Neighbor won't return the mower? Lock and load a few tomatoes, and repaint his
house.
Cop writing a ticket? We recommend cantelope!
The possibilities are endless!
Send $19.95 to:
Jason Ferguson Industries
Hubbell Hall rm 321
Commerce, TX 75428-2805
Warning: We do not guarantee delivery. If you want the product, send us money!
Then we decide!
-= food humor =-= 12 =--------------------------------------------------------
What did the female mushroom say about the male mushroom?
He's a real fun guy [fungi].
-= food humor =-= 13 =--------------------------------------------------------
A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby
tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby
tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"
-= food humor =-= 14 =--------------------------------------------------------
From Harper's Magazine:
Amount of pizza eaten each day in U. S. (acres): 75
-= food humor =-= 15 =--------------------------------------------------------
From "The OPSEC Indicator", Fall 1991:
Note: OPSEC is short for "Operations Security", i.e. ensuring a potential enemy
cannot guess what you're about to do.
Pizza Intelligence: An Update
Earlier this year, we reported that Domino's Pizza claims it can predict when
the government is about to undertake some sort of major activity based upon the
increase in pizza deliveries to the Pentagon and the White House. Pizza orders
increased substantially just prior to troop deployments to Grenada, Panama, and
the Middle East.
According to The Washington Times of August 21, 1991, during the early hours
of the abortive Kremlin coup in August, Domino's "Pizza Meter" registered 102
deliveries to the Pentagon, breaking the Gulf War record by one; the White House
ordered 52 pizzas, breaking its Gulf War record by seven.
The CIA, by contrast, learned its OPSEC lesson: There were only two orders,
and they were quickly cancelled.
-= food humor =-= 16 =--------------------------------------------------------
Domino's Pizza has also previously reported that pizza sales surge whenever the
televison series "Melrose Place" is showing.
-= food humor =-= 17 =--------------------------------------------------------
I walked into a pizza place down the street from where I use to live in
Hayward. I was with a friend and we could not decide what kind of pizza we
wanted. We decided to get a half of one kind and half another.
"Give us a large vegetarian pizza, but put pepperoni on half."
The guy behind the counter VERY straight-faced and quite seriously asked,
"Which half would you like the pepperoni on?"
Without missing a beat, I said, "The right half!"
He wrote "Pepperoni on the right half" on the tag and handed it to the guy
who makes the pizzas. That guy smiled a bit and proceeded to make us our pizza.
About 20 minutes later, they called my name. When I went to pick up the
pizza, I noticed that it was sitting so that the pepperoni was to my right, but
the counter person's left. I could not resist. I said, "Hey, I wanted the
pepperoni on the right side not the left side!"
This taught me not to be such a smart ass in the future. The clerk, looking
worried, grabbed the pizza, and tossed it into the trash saying, "Damn, I'm
sorry, they must have made a mistake. We will make you another one right now!"
20 minutes later, I kept quiet and ate the pizza! My friend and I did laugh
about it for quite some time. Especially when the clerk gave us each a free
beer and said he was sorry for the mistake and sorry we had to wait!
[sigh]
-= food humor =-= 18 =--------------------------------------------------------
Pizza originated in China, not Italy.
-= food humor =-= 19 =--------------------------------------------------------
From Harpers Index:
Sales of California Raisin(tm) merchandise in North America: $450 million
Sales of actual California raisins during the same period: $400 million
-= food humor =-= 20 =--------------------------------------------------------
Sign in a restaurant:
We reserve the right to serve refuse to anyone.
-= food humor =-= 21 =--------------------------------------------------------
First, take your hedgehog and tell it to stop breathing. When it has expired,
take it back and get new one. Better still, get two this time. Take the first
one and cut its head off. Then cut off the forelegs and the hind legs. Then
chop it up slowly and throw it in the fire because you don't need this one; it
was just a warning to the other that he'd better cooperate. Test the other
hedgehog to see if he's fresh. To do this, hold it and twist it firmly. If the
hedgehog makes a lot of noise, it's fresh. Then stand it on its nose and throw
bananas at it. Take the hedgehog and put it on one side and then on the other
side. Procure the rest of the ingredients. Borrow three eggs and steal a jar
of cream, two thirds of a pound of butter and a tin of beef. Now, beat the eggs,
whip the cream, strangle the butter. Now, bully the beef. Pump the mixture into
the hedgehog, bake in a warm oven for 10 minutes. Then get out of the oven, put
the hedgehog in. Baste, grind, grate, squeeze it, knead it firmly, tread on it,
kick it, pull its teeth out, smash its face in, tear its...
-= food humor =-= 22 =--------------------------------------------------------
The snack bar next door to an atom smasher was called "The Fission Chips."
-= food humor =-= 23 =--------------------------------------------------------
On April Fools Day, a mother put a fire cracker under the pancakes. She blew
her stack.
-= food humor =-= 24 =--------------------------------------------------------
A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He keep favoring
curry.
-= food humor =-= 25 =--------------------------------------------------------
A couple of kids tried using pickles for a Ping-Pong game. They had the volley
of the Dills.
-= food humor =-= 26 =--------------------------------------------------------
A friend got some vinegar in his ear, now he suffers from pickled hearing.
-= food humor =-= 27 =--------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear that Jack In The Box is coming out with a new drink?
It's called E. cola
-= food humor =-= 28 =--------------------------------------------------------
Found posted on a door in the Georgetown physiology department.
Did you know?
Every time a loaf of bread is baked, approximately 150,000,000 yeasts are killed
Come to the award-winning 1987 film, "The Very Small and Quiet Screams"
- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked.
"A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't."
+------------------------------------+
| Evening showing in Johnson & Wales |
| Pirsig Auditorium: 7PM, 4/19 |
+------------------------------------+
Sponsored By
Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC)
Student Bakers for Social Responsibility
Coalition for the Elevation of Life (CELL)
Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters
Defend all life: 'from greatest to least, from human to yeast!"
This poster printed on 100% yeast-free paper.
-= food humor =-= 29 =--------------------------------------------------------
Caption once seen printed on the front of an apron:
I know about Stressed...
It's Desserts spelled backwards!!!
-= food humor =-= 30 =--------------------------------------------------------
Eat a prune and start a movement.
-= food humor =-= 31 =--------------------------------------------------------
A Jew and an Italian were arguing over which one could make a dime go
further. So they decided to get together later in the week and compare.
So when the did, the Jew goes first. He says: "I took my dime and bought a
cigarette. The first day, I smoked half and saved the ashes. The second day, I
smoked the other half and saved the ashes. The third day, I ate the butt and
fertilized my plant with the ashes I saved.
The Italian replies: "That's nothing! I took my dime and bought a sausage.
The first day, I scooped out half and ate it. The second day, I scooped out the
other half and ate it. The third day, I took a shit in the empty casing, took
it back to the store and said 'This sausage smells like shit' and got my dime
back!"
-= food humor =-= 32 =--------------------------------------------------------
There was an old guy who lived a few houses away who managed to keep a super
clean lawn, despite the fact that everybody in the neighborhood had dogs on the
loose. I couldn't figure out how he managed this until early one morning I saw
him out on the lawn with a little bottle, putting a few drops of its contents on
the dog shit put there the night before.
So I walk up to him and ask him how the bottled stuff, whatever it was, made
the shit disappear.
He responded, "Bacon grease."
-= food humor =-= 33 =--------------------------------------------------------
The Non-Stress Diet
From the Tubac Market Matters (Tubac, Arizona)
This diet is designed to help you cope with stress which normally builds up
during the day.
Breakfast
1/2 Grapefruit
1 Slice Whole Wheat Toast, Dry
8 oz. Skim Milk
Lunch
4 oz. Lean Broiled Chicken Breast
1 cup Steamed Spinach
1 cup Herb Tea
1 Oreo Cookie
Mid-Afternoon Snack
Rest of the Oreos in the package
2 Pints Rocky Road Ice Cream
1 Jar Hot Fudge Sauce
Nuts, Cherries, Whipped Cream
Dinner
2 Loaves Garlic Bread with Cheese
Large Sausage, Mushroom & Cheese Pizza
4 Cans or 1 Large Pitcher of Beer
3 Milky Way or Snickers Candy Bars
Rules For This Diet
1. If you eat something, and no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the
candy bar are canceled by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as you don't eat
more than they do.
4. Foods used for medicinal purposes NEVER count. Example: hot chocolate,
brandy, toast, and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the
entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. Example: Milk
Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints and Tootsie Rolls.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking the cookie causes
calorie leakage.
8. Late-night snacks have no calories. The refrigerator light is not strong
enough for the calories to see their way into the calorie counter.
9. If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked off knives and
spoons have no calories. Examples: Peanut Butter on a knife and ice cream on
a spoon.
Food of the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are spinach
and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate. Note: Chocolate is a
universal color and may be substituted for any other.
-= food humor =-= 34 =--------------------------------------------------------
Yang's Roadkill Cafe
"You Kill It, We Grill It"
** Center Line Bovine **
Tastes Real Good, Straight From The Hood ............ $ 5.99
( with cheese, add .50 )
** The Chicken That Didn't Cross The Road **
What A Dumb Cluck ................................... $ 3.49
( includes soup and salad )
** Flat Cat **
served as a single or in a stack
Single Flat Cat ..................... $ 1.99
Double Flat Cat ..................... $ 2.79
Flat Cat Stack ...................... $ 4.99
Flat Cat Family Pack (with kittens).. $ 9.00
A Taste Of The Wild Side - Still In The Hide
** Chunk Of Skunk **
Smells REAL good! ................................... $ 7.49
( Basted in Tomato Sauce )
** Smidgen Of Pigeon **
Tastes so good, you'll coo for more ................. $ 3.49
( includes salad & French bread )
** Road Toad Ala Mode **
Jump into this dish, & you'll croak for more ........ $ 2.99
(ice cream flavors chocolate, vanilla, or strawberry)
** Shake N' Bake Snake **
Long and crunchy, with 12 secret spices ............. $ 3.99
( extra long snake, add $ 1.29 )
** Swirl Of Squirrel **
You'll go nuts for our squirrel ..................... $ 2.49
( includes salad & peanut brittle desert )
** Whippoorwill On A Grill **
This one will tickle your fancy ..................... $ 2.79
( includes sunflower & sesame seed roll with salad )
** Rigor Mortis Tortoise **
Slowly aged to perfection ........................... $ 7.99
( includes turtle soup & dumplings )
Eating Food Is More Fun When You Know It Was Hit On The Run!
** Canine Cuisine **
You'll eat like a hog when you taste our dog.
Slab of Lab ......................... $ 1.99
Pit Bull Pot Pie .................... $ .99
Cocker Cutlets (best of show) ....... $ 4.99
Sharpei Fillet ...................... $ 2.99
Poodles N' Noodles (w/French fries) . $ 3.79
Snippet of Whippet .................. $ 2.69
Collie Hit by a Trolley (Toonerville) $ 3.89
BBQ Beagle .......................... $ 2.79
German Shepard Pie (with sauerkraut). $ 3.99
Fire Broiled Dalmatian .............. $ 1.01
Trampled Sheep Dog (too Baaaad) ..... $ 3.29
** A Disney Classic: Thumper Ala Bumper **
Tender & juicy with lots of meat on the foot ........ $ 9.49
( side order of Bambi Venison $2.49 extra )
Late Night Delights! Served Fresh Each Night After Dark
** Rack Of Raccoon **
White meat, dark meat, white meat, dark meat ........ $ 5.99
( includes salad, & free Daniel Boone soft drink mug )
** Awesome Possum **
Jed Clampet's Family Recipe can't be beat! .......... $ 7.99
( includes Possum Tail soup & Possum Pie desert! )
** Smear Of Deer **
You'll eat Bambi's heart out and love it! ........... $ 8.99
( includes soup, baked potato with venison gravy)
** Texas Speed Bump **
Try our Armadillo, tenderized by Goodyear! .......... $ 5.69
( includes Texas Armadillo meatball soup n' salad )
Roadkill Cafe Menu Challengers
** Guess That Mess! **
A daily special treat - if you can guess it,
you eat it for free! ............................... $ 9.99
** Bag N' Gag **
our daily take-out lunch special
Anything Dead, In Bread ............................. $ 2.49
-= food humor =-= 35 =--------------------------------------------------------
Clearly it is not the lovelorn sufferer who seeks solace in chocolate, but
rather the chocolate-deprived individual, who, desperate, seeks in mere love a
pale approximation of bittersweet euphoria.
As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory
aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order
chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the
proper time for chocolate.
Carob is a brown powder made from the pulverized fruit of a Mediterranean
evergreen. Some consider carob an adequate substitute for chocolate because it
has some similar nutrients (calcium, phosphorus), and because it can, when
combined with vegetable fat and sugar, be made to approximate the color and
consistency of chocolate. Of course, the same arguments can as persuasively be
made in favor of dirt.
- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate - The Consuming Passion" (a must-read for all
chocolate lovers!)
-= food humor =-= 36 =--------------------------------------------------------
A guy goes to visit his aunt in the nursing home. It turns out she's napping
so he just sits down in a chair in her room, flips through a few magazines, and
munches on some peanuts sitting in a bowl on the table.
Eventually, the aunt wakes up, and her nephew realizes he's absentmindedly
finished the entire bowl. "I'm so sorry, auntie, I've eaten all of your
peanuts!"
"That's okay, dearie," the aunt replied. "After I've sucked the chocolate
off, I don't care for them anyway."
-= food humor =-= 37 =--------------------------------------------------------
Listen, then: let any man who shall have drunk too deeply of the cup of
pleasure, or given to work too many of the hours which should belong to sleep;
who shall find the accustomed polish of his wit turned to dullness, or be
tortured by a fixed idea which robs him of all liberty of thought; let all such,
we say, administer to themselves a good pint of ambered chocolate . . . and they
will see marvels. - Brillat-Savarin
-= food humor =-= 38 =--------------------------------------------------------
Kids on Chocolate
This originally appeared in Vol.1, #4 issue of Chocolatier magazine (fall 1984).
By Missouri schoolteacher Matt Harper...
During the 29 years I've been a school teacher, I've found that they can come
up with some unique ideas. Each year we study a unit on chocolate and my
students' comments on essays and exam questions have been hilarious...
"Chocolate gets blamed for many things people can't stop eating."
"Correct my being wrung [sic] but tell me true or false. Has anyone else
ever eaten chocolate in a cantalope [sic] or am I the original inventor?"
Evidently impressed with the ever-changing state of the world, one boy
reported: "Hershey Pencilvania [sic] is located in the United States at the
present time." He happens to be the same student who remarked: "The history of
chocolate was first the Aztecs, then Columbus, then on to now."
History may repeat itself, but grade school children often add some
unexpected twists to it. Here are some unusual historical facts:
"Columbus took some chocolate beans to Europe in 1502. Then he did something
he'd never done before. He died."
"James Baker started making drinking chocolate in the pre-me times."
"James Baker is a famous man who lives in chocolate history."
One girl confided: "People have enjoyed eating chocolate forever and maybe
even longer..."
[Kids are] not like adults who can reach into their lifetime stockpile of
expressions. Take these complimentary remarks, for instance:
"I have loved chocolate for as long as I can think to remember."
"Chocolate gives me joy feels all over."
"Everything would not be worth anything without chocolate."
"When I learned Mom was going to make chocolate chip cookies, I told my feet
to quiet down, but they felt too Saturday to listen."
One tyke was going great until the last word: "Chocolate drinks feel good if
your throat has orangitis." Another student had many tussles with his spelling
book. Recently, when he finished writing a sentence, the battleground looked
like this: "I like to drink hot chockel {crossed out} choka {crossed out} chalka
{crossed out} coco."
The elementary school child's mind is evidently a vast storehouse of
miscellaneous information, half true, half false and wholly beguiling. This
seems to be especially true when they relate their personal experiences:
"My brother teased me that I was interested to read about trees and beans and
other things that cause chocolate to happen."
"Hot chocolate has such velvety fingers."
A girl named Linda wrote, with the aid of a bright purple Crayola: "I have
decided chocolate is my ninth favorite thing in the universe."
Next, some definitions of chocolate. If any of them cause Webster to turn
over in his grave, he would have to do so with a smile:
"Chocolate is brown, creamy YUMS!"
"Chocolate is a many-purposed word for many dessert types."
There is usually at least an element of truth in the most absurd answer.
Sometimes they aren't wrong; it's just the way they express their thoughts that
makes their teacher smile:
"You should always capitalize the word chocolate unless it is not the first
word in a sentence."
"When hot chocolate is poured out it makes the quietest noise I have ever
heard."
"Chocolate is really cocoa. But me and a lot of other people still catch
ourselves calling it chocolate."
Once I mentioned that today, at least 2/3 of the world's cocoa supply comes
from the African cocoa belt. Some comments on the subject:
"The cocoa belt could just as well be called something else if we could only
think of a better name for it."
"BOO. I did not mean to scare you so bad but that is how I feel every time I
think of the people who have to go out in the wild jungle to get chocolate."
"I looked up twice where they grow cacao trees, but I forgot it three times."
If the realization that they don't know everything is the first step to
learning, these students are well on the road to knowledge:
"They make chocolate with milk in Switzerland. Maybe they make chocolate
without milk, too. I do not know. It takes all my knowing to know they make
chocolate with milk in Switzerland."
"How they can take cacao pods and make doormats out of them is something only
encyclopedias know for sure."
"Quite a bit of the world's supply of chocolate goes into making cacao
trees."
"Cacao trees are interesting if you happen to be interested in them."
"It takes eight years to grow chocolate on those big tall trees. But it
takes only a little nick of time to eat it."
Just how tall do cacao trees grow? "Cacao trees can grow 40 feet high.
That's g-r-r-e-e-a-a-t BIG! Even over ten times bigger than that."
"Cacao trees are larger than the largest known whale."
"When I learned how big chocolate trees grow, I would have fainted if I knew
how."
Oliver Wendell Holmes once observed: "Pretty much all the truth telling in
the world is done by children." These next thoughts proved to be unexpected,
unconventional, and undeniably sincere:
"Chocolate has an evergreen mother and a cocoa father."
"People who eat chocolate are very interested folks. All their ways are happy
ways and excited ways."
"Oughtn't Congress to pass a law giving poor people free chocolate? Are they
thinking about it? If not I make a motion."
"Misfortunately, choklet [sic] does not agree with itself spellingly and
pronouncingly."
No one likes to look into the future more eagerly than children do. Two tiny
forecasters had these predictions:
"Chocolate will still be the most popular taste of all 100 years from now.
Just wait and see."
Will we ever get to the point where people eat even more chocolate? The
chances are 999 out of a hundred."
A couple of years ago, one moppet had a whimsical way of expressing her
thoughts. Here's how she summed up her feelings: "From now on, I will put both
gladness and wonder in my same thought about chocolate."
Me too.
-= food humor =-= 39 =--------------------------------------------------------
With more than 12 billion catalogs being mailed annually, it's little wonder
that marketers are playing fast and loose with mailing lists. In one
particularly cruel move, the proprietors of a chocolate catalog purchased the
mailing list of a weight-loss organization. Chocolate sales rose almost
immediately, but the weight-loss group wised up and now keeps it clients' names
to itself.
-= food humor =-= 40 =--------------------------------------------------------
Overweight is something that just sort of snacks up on you.
-= food humor =-= 41 =--------------------------------------------------------
The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate.
-= food humor =-= 42 =--------------------------------------------------------
From a 1984 issue of Forbes magazine:
You can't say that Americans don't have their priorities straight. Last year,
they spent $4 billion on chocolate, which is a bit more than the amount spent on
personal computer hardware and software put together.
-= food humor =-= 43 =--------------------------------------------------------
From a "Newsweek" magazine:
Your food stamps will be stopped effective March, 1992, because we received
notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a
change in your circumstances."
From a letter to a dead person from the Greenville County (S.C.) Department of
Social Services
-= food humor =-= 44 =--------------------------------------------------------
Here's a delightful treat someone once made for an office Christmas party:
A gelatin mold made with Knox Unflavored Gelatin and red food coloring. One
would think that a flavorless food would not be at all difficult to swallow, but
believe me, from the looks of people who inserted cold masses of gelatinous glop
into a mouth that was expecting sweets, the experience is unexplainably
horrifying! Some claimed to be nauseated by the feel of it; others politely
swallowed. Great fun!
-= food humor =-= 45 =--------------------------------------------------------
In Prague, a 506 pound man identified as Zbynek M., aged fifty-two, was
sentenced to twelve years in prison for stealing $120,000 worth of food.
-= food humor =-= 46 =--------------------------------------------------------
Gum does not digest. When gum is set on fire, the sugar burns out and turns to
wax. Wrigleys Chewing Gum is the only gum that does not contain wax; it contains
pine sap.
-= food humor =-= 47 =--------------------------------------------------------
What is the most common speech impediment?
Chewing gum.
-= food humor =-= 48 =--------------------------------------------------------
To keep up with a demand in information, Gene DeFoliart, of the University of
Wisconsin has been publishing "The Food Insects Newsletter" since 1988.
"Collecting insects as food for humans is the ultimate form of biological pest
control," says DeFoliart. Some featured recipes have been Beetle Bars, Honey
Bee Souffle, Insect Quiche and Cricket-on-the-Hearth Bread. One reader responded
that she thought grasshoppers tasted "creamy and midly sweet, although DeFoliart
says to avoid the brightly colored ones.
-= food humor =-= 49 =--------------------------------------------------------
China Says Ants Can Spice Up A Maggot Diet
Beijing (Reuter, 1/26) - China's official Xinhua news agency, which announced
this week that maggot extract is a good source of nutrition, urged people
Thursday to add ants to their diet with a set of recipes cooked up by a
professor.
Wu Zhicheng, "an expert on ant diet" based in the central city of Nanjing,
has worked out dozens of recipes for ant-based cakes, teas and wines in an
effort to promote ant eating, it said.
"Ants are a miniature nutritious treasury," Xinhua quoted Wu as saying,
adding that ants contained more zinc than either soybeans or pig liver.
Xinhua said Chinese have been eating ants for more than 3,000 years and "the
longevity of many old people who are now over 100 years old has been found to be
connected with an ant diet."
The edible ant suggestion follows Xinhua's report Saturday that announced a
scientific team had worked out a way to develop maggots as a "huge new source
of nourishment for the 1990s."
"Maggot products are surprisingly appealing," Xinhua said.
-= food humor =-= 50 =--------------------------------------------------------
A January 1994 Reuters News Service story on Manuel Oliveira's ice cream shop in
Merida, Venezuela, reported on his 567 flavors, including onion, chili, beer,
eggplant, smoked trout, spaghetti parmesan, chicken with rice, and spinach. He
said some flavors fail; he once abandoned avocado ice cream, and tossed out 99
pounds of it, because it wasn't smooth enough.
-= food humor =-= 51 =--------------------------------------------------------
Dieting is the triumph of mind over platter. Just try to keep your willpower
dominant over your won't power.
-= food humor =-= 52 =--------------------------------------------------------
Cologne, May 27 dpa - The U.S. dollar is undervalued against the Deutsch-
mark based on how many "Big Mac" hamburger sandwiches the two currencies can
purchase, said one of Germany's leading institutes.
The Institute of the German Economy (IW) in Cologne noted that the popular
sandwich by the McDonald's restaurant chain is increasingly being used by
economists around the world as a measure of currencies' relative purchasing
power.
The institute said that currency exchange rates are often unreliable as an
instrument to measure purchasing power. At the same time, "baskets" of products
used to arrive at comparative purchasing power are complicated to compile.
A simple alternative, now that McDonald's has spread to virtually every
country on earth, has become to look at what a Big Mac costs, the IW said.
"A particularly hungry American can buy five Big Macs for 11 dollars. If he
exchanged the money into Deutsch-marks, his 18 marks in Germany can just barely
obtain four Big Macs," the IW said.
Conclusion: based on the Big Mac index, the dollar is undervalued, the
institute said.
Americans can get their best Big Mac buy these days in Moscow, where one
sandwich costs only about 59 cents.
But Russians must "work nearly two days in order to afford this meaty
capitalist achievement - longer than people in any other country", the IW
said.
-= food humor =-= 53 =--------------------------------------------------------
Item from the book "Why Do Clocks Run Clockwise? And Other Imponderables" by
David Feldman: Are There More Brown M&Ms Than Any Other Color, and How Do They
Determine the Ratio of Colors?
M&M/Mars conducts research to answer precisely these types of questions.
Consumers have shown a consistent preference for brown M&Ms, so they
predominate. Few people realize (or care!) that the mix of colors in plain M&Ms
is different from the peanut version:
Color % in Plain M&Ms % in Peanut M&Ms
Brown 30 30
Yellow 20 20
Red 20 20
Orange 10 10
Green 10 20
Tan 10 0
-= food humor =-= 54 =--------------------------------------------------------
Americans eat enough peanut butter each year to cover the floor of the Grand
Canyon.
-= food humor =-= 55 =--------------------------------------------------------
Ice cream cures all ills. Temporarily. - Seleznick
-= food humor =-= 56 =--------------------------------------------------------
Credit goes to Donald E. Westlake, from "Bred Any Good Rooks Lately?"
A rare delicacy is sauteed Sloth a la Dortmunder. Using the middle toe of the
great Australian three-toed sloth - the only edible part of that large, furry,
indolent creature - the careful chef debones it, pounds it as with veal, and
sautees it briefly over a hot flame with shallots, carrot circles, and just a
touch of Tabassco. Prepared in this fashion, sloth is an excellent main course,
not unlike alligator in texture and taste. Many people are under the false
impression that sloth does not make a good meal, but this is because they've
eaten it improperly prepared. It can only be sauteed, A La Dortmunder, a fact
ill-appreciated in culinary circles. Too many cooks broil the sloth!!!
-= food humor =-= 57 =--------------------------------------------------------
In yesterday's New York Times, it was reported that China's leading distance
runner (she set a new 10,000 m record last year) trains on a diet of "worms, an
elixir extracted from caterpillar fungus and soup from the blood of soft-shell
turtle."
-= food humor =-= 58 =--------------------------------------------------------
There is a sign outside a restaurant that I pass frequently that says "Now
Serving Food". It makes me wonder what they used to serve.
-= food humor =-= 59 =--------------------------------------------------------
Sign in restaurant window: "Eat now - Pay waiter."
-= food humor =-= 60 =--------------------------------------------------------
About 85% of women are responsible for cooking the family dinner, and 84% wish
they didn't have to.
-= food humor =-= 61 =--------------------------------------------------------
In America, if you want to split the cost of an evening out, you say you are
"going Dutch," since the Dutch are well known for their frugality. The Dutch,
on the other hand, call the same arrangement "op z'n Amerikaans" (going
American) because the Americans are known for their egalitarian nature!
In English, the bird "turkey" was named as though it came from Turkey. In
Turkish, the bird is named "hindi" as though it came from "Hindistan", which is
Turkish for India. (Any Hindi speakers wish to comment on the Hindi name of a
turkey?)
French fries aren't really French. In fact, they were invented by the
English (so greasy, you know), who call them chips. The French call them
"pommes frites" or "fried apples [of the earth]".
In Wien (the German name for Vienna), they like to eat Frankfurters. In
Frankfurt, they eat the same thing, but call them Wieners.
Furthermore, when Japanese add spices and put it on a stick, they call it
American Dog. When Americans add spices and put it on a stick, they call it
French Dog. When French add spices and put it on a stick, they call it Corn
Dog.
-= food humor =-= 62 =--------------------------------------------------------
From the book: What Are the Chances: Risks, Odds & Likelihood in Everyday Life,
by Bernard Siskin, Jerome Staller, and David Rorvik.
Crown Publishers; New York, NY; 1989.
Hardcover; 177 pages; $16.95
Bernard Siskin is vice president of the Philadelphia office of the National
Economic Research Association. Jerome Staller is president of the Center
for Forensic Economic Studies in Philadelphia.
Chapter 9 is "Fat Chance; Food, Diet, Weight."
In which country of the world do you run the highest risk of obesity? The
United States.
Are the rich or the poor more likely to be overweight? The poor.
Will the use of artificial sweeteners help you to lose weight? Statistics
show that those using artificial sweeteners are more likely to gain weight than
nonusers.
-= food humor =-= 63 =--------------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between broccoli (or brussel sprouts) and a booger?
You can MAKE a kid eat a booger.
-= food humor =-= 64 =--------------------------------------------------------
Aspertame was dicovered by accident.
-= food humor =-= 65 =--------------------------------------------------------
Penicillin is a bread mold. When you eat cheese, you are eating milk mold.
-= food humor =-= 66 =--------------------------------------------------------
Lick That Plate Clean - And Then Eat It (Reuters)
Taipei
A company in the Republic of China on Taiwan has invented what it claims is
the world's first range of edible tableware.
"Our bowls and plates are made of oatmeal and can be eaten or thrown away
after use. Unlike plastic foam, they won't cause any pollution because birds
and dogs can eat them," Lin Wan-jung, spokesman for Taiwan Sugu C., said
yesterday.
"The surface is glossy just like china... They're the first of their kind in
the world," he said.
Production will start next week and is initially set at 20,000 bowls and
plates a day, Lin said, adding that he expects the inventions to be popular in
environmentally conscious markets such as the United States, Japan, and Europe.
Edible bowls start to leak three to four hours after coming in contact with
boiling water, he said. They will sell for 19 cents each.
-= food humor =-= 67 =--------------------------------------------------------
Still Hungry? Eat The Plate
Taipei, Taiwan (AP) - Diners tempted to lick a plate after a delicious meal
can now go a step further - eat the plate.
Chen Liang-erh, 50, an amateur inventor, announced Friday that he had
perfected an edible plate made from wheat grain, and that he planned to
mass-produce it and other edible crockery including cups, bowls and food
containers.
Chen spent six years developing the plate, which he said would retail at
about 7 cents each.
Diners who don't want to eat the items - which taste like unsalted popcorn -
can boil them for a nutritious meal for animals, he said.
Chen said this can help reduce pollution caused by discarded crockery. The
only disadvantage, he said, is his crockery cannot be washed and reused.
-= food humor =-= 68 =--------------------------------------------------------
It was a brave man that ate the first oyster.
-= food humor =-= 69 =--------------------------------------------------------
Biology Of Snack Cakes
Prepared by Eric Kollenberg
21 Feb. 1986
I. Introduction
As you probably know (unless you're incredibly stupid), life on this planet
(Earth) is divided into three basic groups - plants, animals, and snack cakes.
Although volumes of boring material have been written about the former two
subjects, there is a notable lack of reference material covering the latter. So
I made some up.
II. Evolution And Classification
Snack cakes developed over two-and-a-half zillion years ago (and if you look on
the shelves of some 24-hour convenience stores, you can find samples nearly that
old), when the seas were full of Campbell's primordial soup. This prehistoric
mixture of propylene glycol, potassium benzoate, butylhydroxytoluene, sodium
citrate, primitive emulsifiers, and other "building blocks of snack cake"
spawned the first one-celled crumbs. Eventually, these crumbs began to colonize
around central specialized cells called endofill (known to the layperson as
"creme filling"). The colonies developed into types: spongospores and
diablospores (devil's food cake). An example of the former is the common
Twinkie ("Hostus* hostilus"), the latter is typified by the primitive "Suzy Q"
("Hostus satanis"). In a bid for survival, some varieties, such as the "Hostus
hostum" (Ho-Ho) and the "Hostus zippum" (Ding-Dong) evolved protective inedible
outer shells, or exofrostings.
There are many gaps in the scheme, such as the common crumb cake, which some
have suggested has an extraterrestrial origin, and the mythical "Little Debbie."
However, these topics are outside the scope of this paper, which is another way
of saying that I'm getting tired of typing.
III. Biochemistry
What complex interaction of RNA, DNA and enzymes is responsible for the behavior
of these species? What are the chemical reactions occurring within the cell
tissue? Do I look like a chemist? How the hell should I know?
IV. Feeding
The Suzy-Q is a typical example of mimicry in the natural world. Resembling a
food item, it lies in wait in its natural habitat, the grocery store shelf.
Then it dives down the throat of the unsuspecting victim, gagging it. The
Suzy-Q now turns itself inside out like a feeding starfish, and digests the
victim with its potent creme filling.
V. Reproduction
"Oh, boy," you're thinking. Well, you sickening little pervert, you don't think
I'm going to pander to your prurient curiosity, do you? Actually, I'd be glad to
(especially for money), but the breeding habits of snack cakes have never been
observed. This is something of a mystery, since more specimens are always being
sighted under car seats, behind refrigerators, and behind the legs of vending
machines. Speculation about the reproductive habits of the common Twinkie
have... Naahh, that's too disgusting to even think about.
VI. Sources
1. Daniken, Erich von, "Snack Cakes of the Ancient Alien Flying Saucer Pyramid
Gods" 1969.
2. Ibid, William, "Growing Up in the Ibid Family: An Autobiography" 1947.
3. Writer, Staff, "Woman Possessed by Aliens, Unfaithful Hubby Kills and Eats
Her" 1 Mar 1986 "National Devourer".
4. Writer, Staff, "New Chocolate and Beer Diet Cures Cancer, Improves Sex Life,
Lose 400 lbs, Wash Behind Your Ears" 1 Jan 1985 "Midnite Globule".
* Hostess is a registered trademark of the Hostess Artificial Food Substitute
Division of I.T.T., an exporter of international corruption. It is used without
permission, for which hordes of oily lawyers will probably descend on me and cut
out my lungs with a hacksaw.
[This paper was originally submitted as a Silly Science Fair (tm) project at an
SF con in Chicago, along with another on reproduction of coathangers. It
included a cross-sectional diagram of a Twinkie, and dissection photos (yuck!)
of other species.
-= food humor =-= 70 =--------------------------------------------------------
Seen on a bakery delivery truck:
Cakes 66 cents
Upsidedown cakes 99 cents.
-= food humor =-= 71 =--------------------------------------------------------
Dr. Pepper was made of Prune Juice and was never a cough syrup.
-= food humor =-= 72 =--------------------------------------------------------
Coca-Cola slogans over the years:
1905 - "Coca-Cola revives and sustains"
1906 - "The great national temperance beverage"
1915 - "Pause in the mad rush and seek a soda fountain"
1948 - "Where there's Coke there's hospitality"
-= food humor =-= 73 =--------------------------------------------------------
What do monsters eat?
Things.
What do monsters drink?
Coke
Why?
Because things go better with Coke.
-= food humor =-= 74 =--------------------------------------------------------
Foods taste blander in airplanes in part because cabin pressure dampens the
dispersion of aromas.
-= food humor =-= 75 =--------------------------------------------------------
There's more lemon in Lemon Pledge furniture polish then in Country Time
Lemonade.
-= food humor =-= 76 =--------------------------------------------------------
Twinkies
In an effort to clarify questions about the purported durability and unusual
physical characteristics of Twinkies, we subjected the Hostess snack logs to the
following experiments:
Exposure
A Twinkie was left on a window ledge for 4 days, during which time an inch and a
half of rain fell. Many flies were observed crawling across the Twinkie's
surface, but contrary to hypothesis, birds, even pigeons, avoided this potential
source of substance. Despite the rain and prolonged exposure to the sun, the
Twinkie retained its original color and form. When removed, the Twinkie was
found to be substantially dehydrated. Cracked open, it was observed to have
taken on the consistency of industrial foam insulation; the filling however,
retained its advertised "creaminess"
Radiation
A Twinkie was placed in a conventional microwave oven, which was set for
precisely 4 minutes - the approximate cooking time of bacon. After 20 seconds,
the oven began to emit the Twinkie's rich, characteristic aroma of artificial
butter. After one minute, this aroma began to resemble the acrid smell of
burning rubber. The experiment was aborted after 2 minutes 10 seconds when
thick, foul smoke began billowing from the top of the oven. A second Twinkie
was subjected to the same experiment; this Twinkie leaked molten white filling.
When cooled, this now epoxylike filling bonded the Twinkie to its plate, defying
gravity: it was removed only upon application of a butter knife.
Extreme Force
A Twinkie was dropped from a ninth-floor window, a fall of approximately 120
feet. It landed right side up, then bounced onto its back. The expected
"splatter" effect was not observed. Indeed, the only discernible damage to the
Twinkie was a narrow fissure on its underside; otherwise, the Twinkie remained
structurally intact.
Extreme Cold
A Twinkie was placed in a conventional freezer for 24 hours. Upon removal, the
Twinkie was not found to be frozen solid, but its physical properties had
noticeably "slowed". The filling was found to be the approximate consistency of
acrylic paint, while exhibiting the mercurylike property of not adhering to
practically any surface. It was noticed the Twinkie had generously absorbed the
freezer odors.
Extreme Heat
A Twinkie was exposed to a gas flame for 2 minutes. While the Twinkie smoked and
blackened and the filling in one of its "cream holes" boiled, the Twinkie did
not catch fire. It did, however produce the same "burning rubber" aroma noticed
in the irradiation experiment.
Immersion
A Twinkie was dropped into a large bucket filled with water, the Twinkie floated
momentarily, then began to list and sink. Viscous yellow tendrils ran off its
lower half, possibly consisting of a water-soluble artificial coloring. After 2
hours, the Twinkie bloated substantially. Its coloring was now a very pale tan
- in contrast to the yellow, urine-like water that surrounded it. The Twinkie
bobbed when touched, and had a gelatinous texture. After 72 hours, the Twinkie
had increased roughly 200 percent of its original size. The water had turned
opaque, and a small, fan-shaped spray of filling had leaked from one of the
"cream holes". Unfortunately, efforts to remove the Twinkie for further
analysis were abandoned when, under light pressure the Twinkie disintegrated
into an amorphous cloud of debris. A distinctly sour odor was noted.
Summary of Results
The Twinkie's survival of a 120-foot drop, along with some of the unusual
phenomena associated with the "creamy filling" and artificial coloring, should
give pause to those observers who would unequivocally categorize the Twinkie as
"food". Further clinical inquiry is required before any definite conclusions
can be drawn.
Reprinted from SPY Magazine, July 1989
-= food humor =-= 77 =--------------------------------------------------------
Thin People Don't
By Barbara Florio Graham
From McCall's, June, 1983
I read every diet I can get my hands on. I even follow their suggestions. But
eventually, inevitably, I always get fat again. Now, at last, I've found The
Answer. After living for almost 14 years with a man who never gains an ounce no
matter what I serve him, I've found out what it is that keeps him thin: He
thinks differently. The real difference between fat and thin people is that
thin people:
avoid eating popcorn in the movies because it gets their hands greasy;
split a large combination pizza with three friends;
think Oreo cookies are for kids;
nibble cashews one at a time;
think that doughnuts are indigestible;
read books they have to hold with both hands;
become so absorbed in a weekend project they forget to have lunch;
fill the candy dish on their desks with paper clips;
counteract the midafternoon slump with a nap instead of a cinnamon Danish;
exchange the deep-fryer they received for Christmas for a clock-radio;
lose their appetites when they're depressed;
think chocolate Easter bunnies are for kids;
prefer "The Joy of Sex" to "The Joy of Cooking";
save leftovers that are too skimpy to use for another meal in order to make
interesting soups;
throw out stale potato chips;
will eat only Swiss or Dutch chocolate, which cannot be found except in a
special store;
think it's too much trouble to stop at a special store just to buy chocolate;
don't celebrate with a hot-fudge sundae every time they lose a pound;
warm up after skiing with black coffee instead of hot chocolate and whipped
cream;
try all the salads at the buffet, leaving room for only one dessert;
find iced tea more refreshing than an ice-cream soda;
get into such interesting conversations at cocktail parties that they never
quite work their way over to the hors-d'oeuvre table;
have no compulsion to keep the candy dish symmetrical by reducing the jelly
beans to an equal number of each color;
think that topping brownies with ice cream makes too rich a dessert;
bring four cookies into the TV room instead of a box;
think banana splits are for kids.
-= food humor =-= 78 =--------------------------------------------------------
An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given
a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are
the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any
refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."
"Heck, Maevis," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could
have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that damn oat bran,
wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"
-= food humor =-= 79 =--------------------------------------------------------
I thought you were trying to get into shape?
I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle.
-= food humor =-= 80 =--------------------------------------------------------
A fat man in Selma, Ala., got a plastic bag containing 45 rocks of crack cocaine
through a strip-search by hiding it "between folds of his abdominal skin." So
now we have an answer to that age-old question of how do you know when you are
too fat.
-= food humor =-= 81 =--------------------------------------------------------
Easy Way To Kill Insects In Soil And Grow Better Vegetables
(from a rec.gardens posting)
If you are troubled by soil-borne pests, I've discovered an easy way to get
rid of them.
First, clear all the plants you have from the soil by using a blow torch. If
you don't have a blow torch, you can pour gasoline onto your soil, very lightly,
and set fire to it. When you are through burning off all the plants, take a few
gallons of diesel oil and pour it on the soil until the soil is completely
covered. Pour several gallons of Malathion on the same soil. Then, cover your
soil with a thick dusting of Sevin and Rotenone. Get a sprayer and spray the
area with Thompson's Water Seal. Take a match and set fire to the mixture on
the soil. When the fire burns out, pour Ortho insect dust on the ground until
it is 5 inches thick. When you are finished, rototill this mixture into the
soil thoroughly.
When you are done rototilling, pour another liberal application of gasoline
onto the soil and set fire to it again. This will kill any weed seeds loosened
by the rototilling.
When the fire burns out, hose the soil with more Malathion until it is about
three inches of standing liquid. Let it seep into the ground overnight. In the
morning, add another liberal dose of gasoline to the soil and set fire to it
again. When the fire is out, pour cannisters of ladybugs, trichgramma wasps,
and praying mantis egg cases onto the soil.
When you are finished, feel free to plant your organic fruits, vegetables,
and ornamentals. They should do well in your now pest-free garden.
-= food humor =-= 82 =--------------------------------------------------------
From an article in Physics Today by Gary Taubs:
Onward To The Dessertron
The machine will be the most ambitious scientific instrument ever: a colossal
doughnut-shaped accelerator so immense that all the jelly and cream in the world
could not fill it. Dubbed the "Dessertron", it will create twin beams of ice
cream, one vanilla and one chocolate, and will smash them together at energies
of 40 trillion sprinkles (40 jimmies), one thousand times more powerful than any
ice cream smasher ever made. Because matter and energy are equivalent in
desserts, eternally linked by Einstein's famous equation:
(extra weight) = (mass) x (speed of consumption) squared
when these beams collide, they will do more than make soft yogurt. Theorists
believe that scattered among the debris of the collisions will be elementary
flavors and new desserts hundreds of times more fattening than any known now.
"Every time we have increased energy by a factor of 1000," says high-calorie
fizzicist Sherbet Glace' of Harvard (who won the 1979 Nobel Prize for proving
that at temperatures above 10 to the 28th power jimmies, strawberry rhubarb and
French vanilla are both aspects of the same fundamental God-like flavor) "we
have discovered something new. At one sprinkle, we discovered the banana. At
one thousand, we figured out that frappes, westerns, malteds and milkshakes were
simply different variations of ice cream and milk. At a million, we discovered
fudge and made brownies, and were content. The next big step was another factor
of 1000, and quantum crust theories were invented as well as the Little Jack
Hoerner uncertainty principle. It's clear that what we need to do is study
desserts at several trillion sprinkles."
In July, the High Calorie Dessert Advisory Panel of the Food and Drug
Administration recommended that the number one priority in research for the next
two decades should be the ice cream accelerator officially named the
Superconducting Super Osterizer (SSO). The mammoth blender, as they have
proposed it, would be as much as 120 miles in diameter with several different
speeds from puree all the way through whip. It would take twelve years to build
and cost $2.2 billion, but it would also chop, dice, slice, and make moist
icing. Among the desserts that scientists hope the machine will find are the
rasberry quark, the Higgs Sundae (which may be responsible for defining the
caloric content of all fundamental desserts during spontaneous symmetry
breakfasting); those desserts predicted by the theory techniflavor, which
postulates that the Higgs Sundae is not a fundamental dessert but is actually a
bound state of more elementary desserts; and the particles of sugarsymmetry,
which include spumpkin and specan pies, banino splits and banino cream pies and
several different flavors of antipastries.
Ever since the SSO was proposed in July, it has become the hottest plum in
science. Brighams, Carvel, Baskin-Robbins, Friendlies, LuCerne and Sealtest have
already put in bids for the machine and many more are expected. The state of
Texas has promised that if the machine is built in Texas, it will pay for the
tunnels and the refrigeration equipment needed to cool the ice cream down to a
few degrees above absolute zero to save money on artificial preservatives. When
the SSO is finished, it will assure the U.S. pre-eminence in desserts well into
the 21st century, and says Carob Rumraisin, the famous Italian fizzacist and
discover of intermediate vector bonbons and low-calorie cannoli, "Once this
machine is built, American scientists will finally get their just desserts."
-= food humor =-= 83 =--------------------------------------------------------
From the 'The mini-Annals of Improbable Research ("mini-AIR")'
Issue Number 1994-03, July 1994, ISSN 1076-500X
1994-03-04 Additional, Unreported Dangers from Mexican food
by Steve Mirsky
New York City
The recent report from CSIPI [1] on the high fat and salt content of Mexican
food, though long overdue, still neglects to implicate the myriad other health
dangers consumers face when dining in Mexican restaurants.
The plates upon which Mexican food is traditionally served can be very, very
hot, indeed approaching the "yip yip woo hatcha" stage. Contact between said
plates and human skin can result in tissue damage followed by vigorous hand
waving and blowing that in turn can cause hyperventilation.
A little-discussed danger of Mexican dining is the finite probability of
encounters with roving Mariachia bands. A condition known as Castanet Culjone,
though rare, is particularly painful and debilitating. In addition, the small
mobile orchestras are exceptionally annoying, which can lower the immune
response.
Finally, there is the much observed but little discussed "twice-burned"
phenomenon, consistent with the relative indigestibility of certain key
ingredients of Mexican food that register particularly high on the Scoville
Organoleptic Test (the official scale of hotness)[2]. At least one Navy test
has shown that window cleaning fluid, especially if it contains ammonia, can be
an effective topical neutralizing solution for SOEYYWH (Sudden Onset Egress Yip
Yip Woo Hatcha)[3].
REFERENCES
1. The Center for Science in the Public Interest
2. "Peppers," by Amal Naj, Vintage Books, 1992, p. 25.
3. Personal communication to the author. A Naval Academy graduate reports that
his roommate at Annapolis used to spray his (the roommate's own) anal region
with Windex after a spicy meal.
-= food humor =-= 84 =--------------------------------------------------------
Following are a few amusing facts concerning food and nutrition, taken from my
local paper:
Licking a regular size, multicolor stamp delivers .007 calories. A larger
commemorative, such as *Elvis*, has .014 calories.
Researchers at Harvard University, spurred by an urban myth, tested the
effectiveness of Coca-Cola as a spermicide. The result: Diet Coke worked a
little, but not well enough to qualify as a new form of birth control.
Survey: 14% of those responding make milk part of their sex lives.
And finally: Derrick Johnson of Newport Beach, Calif., was fired from his stock
clerk job in a supermarket because he talked to USA Today about his membership
in the Poultry Bowling Association. Johnson and fellow clerks on the night
shift used frozen turkeys to bowl over "pins" - 2 liter soft drink bottles.
-= food humor =-= 85 =--------------------------------------------------------
From an AP newswire 23 August 1994
Larry Clifford has won the 2nd Annual Mosquito Cookoff at Crowley's Ridge State
Park, Arkansas, where they celebrate mosquitoes after park officials received
complaints of people been bitten in other late-summer festivals.
Here's the prizewinning recipe:
Lightly crush mosquitos to prevent them from flying off. Pour into mixture of
brown sugar and syrup and boil. (This seasons them and kills 16 disease-carrying
bacteria.) Finally, pour the mixture onto cookie sheets, dry, and cut into
small chips to add to regular cookie mix.
"It tasted good! You couldn't taste the mosquitoes at all," said Randy Cross of
Walcott, Arkansas. Runner-up recipes include mosquito supreme pizza, mosquito
meat pie, and baked chili con 'skeeter.
-= food humor =-= 86 =--------------------------------------------------------
From the "Selling It" column in the February 1993 issue of Consumer Reports
magazine:)
An Idaho reader sent us this Fred Meyer recipe from the back of a box of Fred
Meyer Crisp Crunch ceral, a product of Oregon-based Fred Meyer Inc. We think
we've spotted an opening for Fred in the baking-powder business.
Crispy Raisin Cookies
1/2 cup Fred Meyer vegetable shortening
1/2 cup packed Fred Meyer brown sugar
1 Fred Meyer egg
1 teaspoon Fred Meyer vanilla extract
1 cup Fred Meyer all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon Fred Meyer cinnamon
1/8 teaspoon Fred Meyer salt
2-1/2 cups Fred Meyer Crisp Crunch cereal
2/3 cup Fred Meyer raisins
-= food humor =-= 87 =--------------------------------------------------------
In August of 1993, the Economic Evening News of Taiyuan, China, reported that a
woman in her thirties, unidentified in the story, had eaten more than 800 rubber
nipples from baby bottles in the last three years. A province health official
said all family members apparently liked the smell of rubber.
-= food humor =-= 88 =--------------------------------------------------------
The electric pickle is an experiment that was a tremendous success in ...
freshman electronics class. You go to a deli, see, and get a big kosher dill
pickle, seven or eight inches long. The you cut the cord of an old electric
appliance and strip the ends to expose two or three inches of split wire.
(Unplug it first.) Get two two- or three-inch nails, wrap one strand of wire
around each nail, and stick the nails into the pickle. Then plug in the cord.
"After about ten seconds," Franklin explains, "the pickle wqill light up,
glowing and crackling. It's really quite bright." ... "You can try it at
home," says Franklin, "but don't touch the pickle." - "Discover" magazine, May
1994 pg 44.
-= food humor =-= 89 =--------------------------------------------------------
From Reuters News Service:
Canada's Ottawa Citizen newspaper recently printed a recipe for Chanterelle
Lemon Pasta in its food section, calling for one cup of Chanterelle mushrooms.
They even provided a helpful photograph so amateur mushroom hounds could find
their own growing in the wild. Unfortunately, the photograph instead showed
Destroying Angels, which are deadly when eaten.
-= food humor =-= 90 =--------------------------------------------------------
The "Evolution" Of The Granola Bar
The granola bar, the staple food of politically correct activists, is deeply
rooted in the history of the pioneers. The pioneers commonly spent 20 hours a
day clearing the land and planting crops, and naturally, worked up quite a
sweat. After a refreshing "cooler," a dip of the head in an ice cold river,
they resumed their productive labours. Their first crops, barley, rye, wheat,
oats, etc., comprised the main ingredients for granola. Those who did not find
it palatable used it for fodder, which was quite popular with horses.
The decline of the equine population produced a surplus of granola in the
1960's, which drove down prices on the futures market. Sold at sub-culture
health food stores at bulk prices, it was popular amongst hippies, who ate it
for energy between war protest demonstrations and love-ins, and threw it instead
of rice at weddings as an anti-establishment statement.
In the 1970's, a disillusioned Yippie-turned-Yuppie MBA student inadvertently
left some granola in his jeans when he did his laundry. With a keen eye for a
quick buck, he marketed the result as the "granola bar." The original flavours
were raison, peanuts, chocolate chip, and just plain granola. They were
staggeringly popular with campers and hikers as a ready source of energy, and
emergency substitute tent pegs.
In the 1980's, the hikers became soft and turned Club-Med. They developed a
taste for the life of ease: instant tellers, cellular phones, microwave dinners,
scratch & win lottery tickets, faxed letters, twist-top wine coolers, and
effortless success. Pushed by market forces, granola bar engineers toiled for
hours in research and development labs to develop soft, easily gulpable granola
bars which required little effort to chew and posed no hazard to dental caps.
Now in the 1990's, public demand is forcing the same artificially flavoured
fate as befell yogurt and coolers upon the granola bar. Trendy exclusively
granola bar health food restaurants will soon be serving 99 exotic flavours such
as asparagus, broccoli, cappuccino, chocolate fondue dip, pasta, quiche,
sea-weed, Spam, spinach, yogurt, and caffeine-laced power bars. Incidently,
horses will no longer touch the stuff.
-= food humor =-= 91 =--------------------------------------------------------
From the "Selling It" column of the August issue of Consumer Reports:
A can of Del Monte creamed corn says on the label that it "contains no
artificial additives or preservatives." Another message, some distance lower,
says "Contains Recycled Steel."
Given the choice, we'd take the additives.
-= food humor =-= 92 =--------------------------------------------------------
There's a new celebrity where Sunset Boulevard meets the sea. A live Main
lobster tipping the scales at 12 1/2 pounds and possibly destined for the main
course at $9.95 a pound. But diners and workers at Gladstone's 4 Fish in Los
Angeles have a crush on the crustacean, have named the gentle giant Spike, and
are pleading for his life.
"A lot of servers really find him nice because he has such a nice demeanor.
He doesn't snap at them because he's really mellow," says Gladstone's manager
Jay Regan.
"We came in and saw him last Friday, fell in love with him and just kind of
adopted him," said waitress Julie Gleason.
Spike is believed to be about 65 years old, but his days may be numbered.
His date with fate is Nov. 1 (1994), when he will be given away during a
drawing.
"I hope whoever gets him doesn't kill him. I hope they let him live, or give
him to Scripps (Institution of Oceanography) or something, I mean, he's survived
two wars," said Gleason. But she thinks the other lobsters in the Gladstone's
tank are jealous of Spike and would just as soon see him leave. "I think
they're jealous because he's the only one who keeps coming back. When the other
ones are pulled from the tank, they don't come back," Gleason said.
-= food humor =-= 93 =--------------------------------------------------------
Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?
Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals!
Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question?
Johnny: It's because I saw one on daddy's lettuce, but now it's gone.
-= food humor =-= 94 =--------------------------------------------------------
From an Associated Press news wire:
The state of Massachusetts is drafting regulations prohibiting large-scale
bakers to allow the odor of bread to be released into the atmosphere because it
contains ethanol, which can break down into ozone, a component of smog. "If
people have such a visceral response to this smell, they can bake their own
bread," said the engineer at the state Department of Environmental Protection
who drafted the regulation.
-= food humor =-= 95 =--------------------------------------------------------
A food company is considering marketing a new cereal with Andrew Dice Clay's
picture on the box. The cereal will be called Nut 'n' Bitch.
-= food humor =-= 96 =--------------------------------------------------------
From the M.I.T. AIR [Annals of Improbable Research]...
Research reports that merit a trip to the library:
"The Dielectric Properties of Meat" by B. Bodakian and F. X. Hart, "IEEE
Transactions on Dielectrics and Electrical Insulation", Vol. 1, No 2, April
1994. The abstract reads in part: "The permittivity and conductivity of beef
and chicken samples were measured in the frequency range of 1 Hz to 1 MHz.
Differences were observed in these dielectric spectra for commercially
purchased, as compared to freshly slaughtered samples." (Thanks to Anders
Larsson for bringing this and the next citation to our attention.)
"A Classification of Pure Malt Scotch Whiskies" by F. J. Lapointe and P.
Legendre, "Applied Statistics", Vol. 43, No 1, pp. 237-257, 1994. The authors
introduce their study thusly: "Single malts are well known by amateurs to differ
widely in nose, colour, body, palate, and finish. The layman interested in
discovering the diversity of these tasting sensations may wonder how to approach
the problem: what are the main types of single-malt Scotches, and in what way do
they differ? This is the type of question that came to us after acquainting
ourselves with single-malt whiskies during and after the 3rd Conference of the
International Federation of Classification Societies held at Heriot-Watt
University in Edingburgh, Scotland, in August 1991."
-= food humor =-= 97 =--------------------------------------------------------
A comedian (Seinfeld?) once reported going into a McDonald's and asking for an
order of fries. The girl asked, "Would you like some fries with that?"
-= food humor =-= 98 =--------------------------------------------------------
It has been said that we live on one-third of what we eat and the health clubs
and fat farms live on the rest.
-= food humor =-= 99 =--------------------------------------------------------
A woman taking entry tickets at the Seaside, Ore. aquarium noticed a man who had
come in earlier walking back out with Victor, a 25-lb. lobster, under his arm.
She called the manager, Keith Chandler, who gave chase. "It wasn't too difficult
to spot the guy; he had a lobster under his arm," Chandler said. Victor was
plopped back into his tank and the man was plopped into the clink on theft
charges. Victor is estimated to be 80 to 100 years old.
-= food humor =-= 100 =--------------------------------------------------------
In 1885, a drug manufacturer claimed "Cocaine can take the place of food, make
the coward brave, the silent eloquent, free the victims of alcohol and opium
habit from their bondage, and, as an anaesthetic, render the sufferer
insensitive to pain."
In 1886, an early advertisement for Coca Cola claimed "This intellectual
beverage and temperance drink contains the valuable tonic and nerve stimulant
properties of the coca plant.
-= food humor =-= 101 =--------------------------------------------------------
In 1972, advertising agency Young & Rubicam were about to launch Hunt-Wesson
Foods' canned pork and beans in Canada. In the U.K., the product had been known
as "Big John's", and they wanted a Canadian equivalent. The basic translation,
"Grand Jean", seemed insufficiently macho, so they changed it to the colloquial
"Gros Jos". Development, packaging, design, and the other necessities of the ad
campaign went smoothly ahead and the launch date was fixed. Then one French-
speaking copywriter happened to read the label. It appeared, she pointed out,
that the treasured colloquialism went a little far. "Gros Jos" meant "Big
Tits". The campaign was scrapped.
-= food humor =-= 102 =--------------------------------------------------------
In January 1994, 'The Economist' magazine reported that one of Secretary of
Energy Hazel O'Leary's success stories about government research scientists
hired out for civilian business uses was the Argonne National Laboratory's
helping McDonald's to find a way to speed up french frying. A team headed by
physicist Tuncer Kuzay, who interrupted his work on advanced photons, placed
sensors inside the frozen fries and was able to design special frying baskets to
deal with the effect of steam created by melting ice crystals and to cut 30 to
40 seconds off each batch's frying time.
-= food humor =-= 103 =--------------------------------------------------------
Bear Market Means Bargain For Diners
By Paul Lewis
(from the New York Times News Service)
Paris - The two hungry diners sat down, turned expectantly to a flickering
computer screen on a nearby stand and began studying the latest quotations. The
news seemed ominous. Making money would not be easy in today's luncheon market.
The scene was La Connivence, a small new bistro-style restaurant at 6 Rue
Feydeau, a stone's throw from the Paris Bourse, or stock exchange. As with
stocks on the exchange, the laws of supply and demand determine the price diners
at La Connivence pay for a meal. (The name, La Connivence, means complicity,
with the slightly shady overtones appropriate for a gambling den of sorts.)
As patrons place their orders in the austere ground-floor dining room, one of
the owners, Jean-Claude Trastour, enters them into a computer which promptly
adjusts the menu prices to reflect demand. Popular dishes, like popular stocks,
go up in price while less popular ones decline.
Timorous diners may choose to pay the quoted price for a dish at the moment
they order it. That is called eating on the march comptant, or cash market. If
the price rises while these diners are tucking in, they have done very well for
themselves. If the price falls, they get indigestion. It is the safe way to
eat, safe and dull.
More adventurous folks play the futures market, the march a terme, agreeing
to pay the price quoted when they call for the check at the end of their meal.
Naturally, they hope the price will have fallen by that fateful moment. But
hopes may be dashed by a flurry of buying, and the price may easily shoot up.
Worse indigestion.
The newly seated diners began preparing their gambling strategy by reading
the trends. They saw that the prices of several dishes had already fallen by
close to 6 francs, the limit for price changes up or down in any one eating-
trading session. (A dollar is worth about 7 francs.) That left little room for
further decline. There would be no point in ordering any of those dishes, no
matter how delectable, unless, of course, the diner was more interested in
eating than in successful speculation.
The computer screen flashed chute du filet mignon, indicating that the price
of that choice steak had already fallen 5 francs, to 50 francs a serving. A veal
casserole with herbs had slipped 4 francs, to 48 francs. A rack of lamb chops
for two, down 10 francs, was priced to sell for 110 francs a serving. As for the
haddock, the computer reported a "sharp fall" of 5 francs a portion, to 57
francs.
Other dishes were doing better. The screen showed that a "stampede" of orders
for lotte had pushed the price of that pleasant Mediterranean fish up 4 francs
to 62 francs a portion, making it an interesting speculation. If diners played
the forward market, the price might be substantially lower when the time came to
pay; of course, it could still rise another 2 francs before reaching the 6
francs ceiling.
Occasionally, a diner's greed is outweighed by the thought of what he would
have to eat to turn a profit. An example: "Victorious advance of the stuffed
pigs' trotter," the computer flashed, marking it up 5 francs, to 43 francs.
Surely it could only fall. But a lunch of pigs' feet?
In the end, the diners chose a conservative strategy, ordering the special of
the day, saddle of lamb, on the marche a terme. The lamb was trading at 39
francs a portion; up a modest 2 francs for the day thus far.
The check arrived for the conservative diners: 228 francs for two, which is
pretty good by Paris standards since it included a bottle of Beaujolais, a
cheese-filled ravioli from the French Alps for a starter, homemade apple tart,
and coffee. But the roast saddle of lamb stood at 38 francs, only a meager 1
franc cheaper than when it was ordered. Down the street, the Bourse was having
one of its best days ever.
[Inside tip: Sell-SHORT-Ribs, Buy-LONGustine. Bon appetit! Pierre]
-= food humor =-= 104 =--------------------------------------------------------
From the L.A. Times:
An experimental car was driven from New York to San Francisco powered only by
french fry oil. The only drawback was that engineers had to stop every thousand
miles to change the ketchup.
-= food humor =-= 105 =--------------------------------------------------------
Even today, the Eskimo displays very little gustatory qualm. Near Fort Chimo,
Quebec, I was offered a snack of, I thought, crowberries. One taste told me
the truth. They weren't crowberries, but caribou droppings cooked in seal fat.
I declined any more. The man who offered them to me shrugged and continued to
pop them into his mouth like salted peanuts. - from the introduction to "A Kayak
Full of Ghosts: Eskimo Tales", gathered and retold by Lawrence Milman ISBN
0-88496-267-9
-= food humor =-= 106 =--------------------------------------------------------
Strawberry Pop-Tart Blow Torches
Last Updated: 2 August 1994
Author:
Patrick R. Michaud, pmichaud@cbi.tamucc.edu
Abstract
Strawberry Pop Tarts may be a cheap and inexpensive source of incendiary
devices. Toasters which fail to eject Pop Tarts cause the Pop Tarts to emit
flames 10-18 inches in height.
Introduction
Last year, an article by well-known newspaper columnist Dave Barry noted that
Kellogg's Strawberry Pop Tarts (SPTs) could be made to emit flames "like a blow
torch" if left in a toaster too long. Given previous work in the field of food-
entertainment (see Fun With Grapes - A Case Study (included following this
article)), it was obvious that this was a new frontier that requires further
exploration. The present work describes our independent verification and
experience with SPT-based combustion.
Materials Used
Only two basic materials are needed to cause SPT-combustion: a (hopefully
inexpensive) toaster and some Strawberry Pop Tarts. In this work, the authors
used Kellogg's Strawberry Pop Tarts with Real Smucker's Fruit. SPTs can be
obtained either with or without frosting; the non-frosted variety were used for
this experiment.
In addition to the basic materials, a number of safety-related items were needed
to conduct this experiment. First, a suitable location for the experiment was
required, it being expected that the kitchen was not the appropriate place for
blow-torching SPTs. The author's driveway was chosen as a suitable site.
Second, an appropriate means for extinguishing the SPTs would be needed; a
research assistant brought along some baking soda for the purpose.
Experiment Preparation
The toaster and SPT both had to be properly prepared for this experiment. In
order to guarantee that the SPT would receive sufficient heat to begin
combustion, the toaster was set to its highest setting and the lever was jammed
in the "down" position using adhesive cellophane. A SPT was removed from the
box and its protective packaging and carefully placed into the toaster slot.
Next, the toaster and SPT were taken to the driveway and an extension cord was
arranged to provide power to the toaster. At this point, we were ready to begin
the experiment.
The Experiment and Observations
The toaster was plugged in. First, the toaster went through a normal "toasting"
cycle (approximately 60 seconds), which more than thoroughly cooked the SPT
(since the toaster was set to its darkest setting). By this point, we could
definitely detect a burnt SPT aroma. The toaster then attempted to eject the
SPT, but was prevented from doing so by the adhesive cellophane. The toaster
then began emitting loud rattling and buzzing noises due to its inability to
eject the SPT.
(At this point the researchers became somewhat concerned that the noise from the
toaster would wake the neighbors and attract undue attention. However, we
decided that we were already committed to the experiment and that the neighbors
would be able to sacrifice some sleep in the name of science.)
Soon thereafter, large amounts of smoke began pouring out of the toaster. The
researchers noticed that some of the neighbors down the street were beginning to
get a little curious, but the experiment proceeded nonetheless. Approximately
40 seconds later, small flames began licking their way out of the toaster. The
flames steadily grew larger and larger until reaching a maximum height of about
18 inches above the top of the toaster.
As the flames were reaching their maximum height, the toaster abruptly stopped
making buzzing noises. We speculate that the flames had by this point shorted
the electronics within the toaster. The toaster was quickly disconnected from
the primary electrical source to avoid any potential damage to the author's
house. At this point, the researchers also realized that the heat could
inadvertently melt the adhesive cellophane and cause the flaming SPTs to
suddenly eject from the toaster. Unfortunately, this did not occur. The flames
continued for several minutes.
At this point, there was some slight concern that the flames might take
considerable time to diminish. We then enlisted the help of a reluctant research
assistant to sprinkle baking soda on the flames. (The reluctance was
understandable given the potential for premature SPT ejection described in the
above paragraph.) The baking soda quickly extinguished the flames and produced
still further smoke.
Once the flames were extinguished, the researchers noted an unanticipated
problem: what to do with the (now defunct) toaster and the spent SPT. It became
obvious that the toaster could not be returned to the author's house due to both
a continued potential fire hazard and the smell of burnt strawberries. In
addition, it was noted that the toaster was still "too hot to handle,"
necessitating the use of a nearby garden hose to cool the toaster off. Finally,
it was decided to just leave the toaster by the curb for the sanitation experts
to pick up the next morning.
Summary and Recommendations
In summary, overcooking the SPT did produce a good size flame. The effect was
not as pronounced as the researchers had hoped, but was satisfying nonetheless.
The research assistant noted that the flames produced did appear to have some
color variation. We believe that frosted SPTs may successfully produce even
larger torches. Further research in this area is warranted.
We did desire to repeat the experiment with the remaining five SPTs, but we
could not do so because there were no more suitable toasters available for
further experiments. In the future, we recommend that toasters be sold in six-
packs to accomodate important SPT research. Instead, the remaining SPTs were
sacrified over the course of the next several days in private, undocumented
consumption experiments.
Acknowledgements
Special thanks to Jennifer "Svetlana" Reckard for her suggestions and
proofreading of this work.
-= food humor =-= 107 =--------------------------------------------------------
Fun with Grapes - A Case Study
Last Updated: 14 June 1994
Authors:
Marc G. Frank, mgfrank@erebus.com
Patrick R. Michaud, pmichaud@cbi.tamucc.edu
Abstract
Using only cheap, readily-available equipment, you can create a spectacular
lightshow in the comfort of your very own kitchen, providing hours of fun and
excitement for your family, friends, and pets!
Ordinary grapes, when properly prepared and microwaved, spark impressively in an
extremely entertaining manner.
Introduction
We have made an important new discovery in the field of culinary entertainment.
Properly prepared, the common seedless grape can be made to combust
spectacularly when subjected to a short (5-10 second) duration of microwaves.
This study was conducted based upon suggestions from dozens of IRC #root
participants using locally available funds and equipment.
Materials Required
The following materials were needed for this study:
Green grapes (genus Vitis)
Microwave-safe plate (Corelle by Corning)
Knife (Ekco Stainless Steel)
Microwave Oven (Whirlpool Model MT6901XW-0)
No parental sponsors (both authors are fortunate to have supporting funds
unencumbered by parental restrictions)
Procedure
1. The authors carefully cleared the laboratories of all non-essential
personnel, especially those persons who might attempt to abort the
experiment while the grapes were still in the pre-combustion phase.
2. Next, the grapes were carefully prepared for proper theatrical effect. The
knife was used to carefully slice the grape almost in half, leaving the
grape halves attached by the skin. Next, the grapes halves were placed face
down in the middle of the microwave safe plate.
3. Next, the plate with the prepared grapes were placed into the center of the
microwave oven and the door carefully shut. The microwave was set to cook at
full power for 40 seconds. Finally, after the various recording devices were
in place, the start button on the microwave was engaged.
Observed Results
The effect of the microwaves on the sliced grapes produced an extremely
satisfying flare and associated sparks. The sparks began approximately 5 seconds
after the microwave was started. Approximately 3-4 seconds after that, the force
of the sparks separated the grape halves by approximately 1.5 cm, ending the
theatrical effects. At that point, the microwave session was aborted to prevent
further damage to the microwave and/or grape.
Discussion and Conclusions
As this report was being prepared, it became evident to the researchers that a
mis-communication occurred from the experimental design to the actual conduct of
the experiment. The original experimental design called for the grapes to be
placed on the plate with the sliced side up, whereas this experiment occurred
with the sliced sides placed downward. Further research will be required to
determine if the positioning of the grapes significantly affects the theatrical
results.
A future experiment calls for the microwaving of multiple grapes simultaneously
for increased theatrical effect. For those who wish to forge ahead on this
research, the authors suggest separating each grape by a distance of 1.5 cm or
more. Note that the authors take no responsibility for any accidents resulting
from mis-application of this study. If your microwave blows up and your house
catches fire, call the fire department, not us. Our microwave ovens appear to be
in good shape after repeated experiments.
The results of this study will greatly enhance the field of culinary
entertainment. New pyrotechnic methods have been developed using commonly
available grapes and microwave ovens. The results of this study and its
derivative works provide fertile ground for new research. The authors are
planning to use this research as a basis for experimentation with other species
of grape and produce. Results of such study will be made available in future
publications.
Acknowledgements
The authors gratefully acknowledge the operators of IRC and the participants of
channel #root, without whom this study would have been left incomplete.
-= food humor =-= 108 =--------------------------------------------------------
In September 1994, research supported by a British juice company found that
50,000 people in Great Britain seek hospital treatment every year from injuries
incurred while struggling to open milk and juice containers.
-= food humor =-= 109 =--------------------------------------------------------
What is the high point of a bulimic's birthday party?
It's when the cake jumps out of the girl.
(Uugh, uugh, blechh, bad joke!)
-= food humor =-= 110 =--------------------------------------------------------
Food Fight!
In February 1994 in New Brighton, Minn., a 32-year-old man and his 24-year-old
girlfriend were arrested after a food fight in a grocery store. After arguing
loudly, the couple began throwing sweet potatoes at each other. Eventually,
the man allegedly threw the woman into several vegetable racks, sending the
contents spilling to the floor. As both continued to brawl on the floor, she
allegedly stuffed lettuce into the man's mouth.
-= food humor =-= 111 =--------------------------------------------------------
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
-= food humor =-= 112 =--------------------------------------------------------
The man who designed the original Oscar Meyer Weinermobile has died. Don't feel
bad though, he lived his life with relish.
-= food humor =-= 113 =--------------------------------------------------------
My Appetite Is My Shepherd
My appetite is my shepherd,
I always want.
It maketh me to sit down and stuff my self.
It leadeth me to the refrigerator repeatedly.
It leadeth me in the path of Burger King
for a Whopper.
It destroyeth my shape.
Yea, though I knoweth I gaineth,
I will not stop eating,
It tasteth so good.
The ice cream and cookies, they comfort me.
When the table is spread before me, it exciteth me,
For I knoweth that soon I shall dig in.
As I filleth my plate continuously,
my clothes runneth smaller.
Surely bulges and excess weight shall follow me
All the days of my life,
And I shall be fat forever!
-= food humor =-= 114 =--------------------------------------------------------
In Mexico, we have a word for sushi; bait. - Jose' Simon
-= food humor =-= 115 =--------------------------------------------------------
From Late Show with David Letterman; March 16, 1994
Top Ten Signs You've Had Too Much Coffee
10. When you call radio talkshows, they ask you to turn yourself down.
9. You're passing everybody on the freeway when suddenly you realize, you're
not in a car.
8. You run around your company board room yelling, "I've got a great idea! A
Disneyworld in France! We'll call it EuroDisney!"
7. You can't stop saying, "No".
(Earlier in the show, Dave showed a clip of President Clinton pounding his
fist on a podium, shouting the word "no" over and over again)
6. Last time you got good night's sleep, Madonna was a virgin.
5. You're shaking like Mexican space shuttle.
4. You jam a fork into the waiter's hand when he tries to switch your regular
coffee with Folger's Crystals.
3. You go nuts over a little thing like a car alarm.
(A car alarm was going off outside the theater earlier, and Dave went out to
the Hello Deli next door and got pea soup to pour on the engine)
2. Like our stage manager Biff Henderson, it starts to spray out of your ears.
(Self-explanatory...)
1. You're up to four heart attacks a day.
-= food humor =-= 116 =--------------------------------------------------------
The following are items found overseas in which people have made inappropriate
use of English words for various products, and bizarre menu items in resturants:
Menu Items:
Beef rashers beaten up in the country peoples fashion - Poland
Boiled Frogfish - Europe
Buttered saucepans and fried hormones - Japan
Cock in wine/Lioness cutlet - Cairo
Cold shredded children and sea blubber in spicy sauce - China
Dreaded veal cutlet with potatoes in cream - China
French Creeps - L.A.
French fried ships - Cairo
Fried fishermen - Japan
Fried friendship - Nepal
Garlic Coffee - Europe
Goose Barnacles - Spain
Indonesian Nazi Goreng - Hong Kong
Muscles Of Marines/Lobster Thermos - Cairo
Pork with fresh garbage - Vietnam
Prawn cock and tail - Cairo
Rainbow Trout, Fillet Streak, Popotoes, Chocolate Mouse - Hong Kong
Roasted duck let loose - Poland
Sole Bonne Femme (Fish Landlady style) - Europe
Strawberry crap - Japan
Sweat from the trolley - Europe
Teppan Yaki, Before Your Cooked Right Eyes - Japan
Toes with butter and jam - Bali
Product Names:
Ass Glue - Chinese glues
Ban Cock - Indian cockroach repellent
Cat Wetty - Japanese moistened hand towels
Clean Finger Nail - Chinese tissues
Colon Plus - Spanish detergent
Creap Creamy Powder - Japanese Coffee Creamer
Crundy - Japanese gourmet candy
Homo sausage - East Asian fish sausage
Hornyphon - Austrian video recorder
I'm Dripper - Japanese instant coffee
Kolic - Japanese mineral water
Last Climax - Japanese tissues
Libido - Chinese soda
My Fanny - Japanese toilet paper
Pipi - Yugoslavian orange drink
Pocari Sweat - Japanese sport drink
Polio - Czechoslovakian laundry detergent
Shitto - Ghanian pepper sauce
Shocking - Japanese chewing gum
Superglans - Netherlands car wax
Swine - Chinese chocolates
Zit - Greek soft drink
-= food humor =-= 117 =--------------------------------------------------------
On a related note regarding bad use of English in foreign restaurants, I was
once in a fairly nice Bangkok restaurant where, as you flipped through the menu,
the selections were listed on one page, each annotated with numbers and briefly
described with broken English, and on the opposite facing page were color 3x5in.
photographs taped to that page of each selection with matching numbers above the
photographs, presumably so that foreign visitors could see what each dish was or
could just point to the picture when ordering. The problem was that above each
photograph page was the caption:
"Food is smaller than appears in pictures."
^^^^^^^
This did not seem to be unintentional as the caption was placed above six
separate photograph pages in the menu and the restaurant was rather elegant and
did not seem prone to tongue-in-cheek humor. Luckily, the shrimp curry that I
ordered came on a plate larger than 4 inches in diameter :*) (and was quite a
generous portion, in fact).
-= food humor =-= 118 =--------------------------------------------------------
From an article on the growth of federal regulations in the Oct. 24th issue of
National Review:
The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are
1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on
the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words.
-= food humor =-= 119 =--------------------------------------------------------
50 Ways To Confuse The Heck Out Of People In Dining Halls
by Robert Chen
1. Find two straws, preferably with wide tubes. Insert into your nostrils.
Inhale your food.
2. Don't go to the dining hall. Live there and never leave. When people come
in, harass for news of the outside world and tell them how the dining hall
needs new ketchup.
3. Before eating, say grace. Punctuate by slamming your face into your food.
4. After obtaining your food, proceed to throw it out the nearest window. Turn
to the person nearest to you and say, "Wow! Did you ever see [name of dish]
fly like that before?"
5. Hide behind the milk dispenser. Moo every time someone gets milk.
6. Go up to the server and ask to see the chef. After he/she is introduced,
request an off-the-menu meal consisting of lightly blackened escargot, a
simmering seafood bisque, a delicately roasted rack of lamb in a basil cream
sauce, and a tart but not sweet dessert of his/her own concoction. When he
or she refuses, punch 'em and proceed to make this meal yourself.
7. After finishing your meal, look at your brand of china. Proceed to look at
everyone else's, regardless of whether they're finished eating or not.
Complain how the school is too cheap to buy some real Wedgewood china. Then
dump your dishes and waste food in the trash and explain how it would be
cheaper to buy new dishes than to wash the old ones.
8. During the meal, start a conversation about the innocence of Jeffrey Dahmer.
Then look at everybody's limbs with a marked amount of interest. Then
"involuntarily" drool.
9. Stand in line for the food. After getting your food, smear it over your
body and return to the end of the line. Repeat.
10. (For hot meals only.) Complain how cold it is in the dining hall. Then
remark specifically how much you're freezing your ass off. Strip down and
sit on your food let out a loud sigh.
11. Instead of getting a fork, knife, and spoon, get three spoons. Cut your
meat with them and pretend not to notice.
12. Do not to use glasses. Anytime you feel like having a drink, go up to the
liquid dispenser, wrap your mouth around it, and press the button. Complain
that it goes too fast.
13. If you feel gassy, burp (or fart) to the tune of Jingle Bells.
14. Stand next to the salad bar. Every time someone reaches for some food,
yell, "HEY!" and shake your head.
15. Remark on how the food's sanitation is open to question. Recall the time
you saw the chef blow snot rocks into the food "for seasoning." Ask the
person next to you to be your Food Tester.
16. Enter the dining hall naked. If you're not immediately removed from the
premises, sit next to someone eating. Ask him or her how they're enjoying
their meal.
17. Ask how the lettuce was killed. After the initial pause of confusion, shake
your head angrily and yell, "What about vegetables?! Don't they have rights
too?!"
18. Grab a big handful of whatever it is you're eating and shove it into your
neighbor's face. Offer him or her a bite.
19. Get your food and sit down. Count out loud the number of grains of rice you
received, starting again every once in a while. When you're done, go up to
the server and tell him or her how you were cheated out of 8 grains and
proceed to make a scene.
20. Same as above, but with burgers.
21. When they're not looking, empty your bladder into an empty glass. Show
contents to everyone and say, "This apple juice tastes funny. Here. Try
some."
22. Every time someone takes a bite of their food, laugh uncontrollably. Stop
suddenly and warn everyone not to laugh. Then take a bite of yours while
giving everyone an evil eye.
23. Get a friend. Practice weightlifting tables. If people complain,
weightlift them.
24. Get some clean plates and empty glasses. Sit down and stare them down.
25. During the meal, yell out, "Oh my God! It's still alive!" Grab your knife
and start hacking at the meat.
26. Dress in clothes with lots of pockets. When you're in the dining hall,
stuff them with all the food you can find. Waddle out of the dining hall,
but on the way out, remark how the dining hall never has enough food.
27. Practice snarfing.
28. Shortly after your meal, complain how the dining hall always serves the same
food. Then stick your finger down your throat and proceed to vomit back on
your plate. Start eating (or drinking) again, and say, "It doesn't taste
quite right the second time."
29. Bring insects and small rodents. Release.
30. Dress in a toga. After getting your food, find a comfortable place to
recline. Throw your utensils on the floor and start eating Romanically.
Explain how you never should have trusted that Brutus guy.
31. Switch the label on skim milk with the one on whole milk.
32. Yell to someone walking by, "I'll take two hot dogs, and my son will have
some peanuts."
33. After getting all your food, sit down. Start arranging your food
alphabetically, from left to right. Ask the person next to you whether you
should put orange juice under "o" or "j."
34. Bring in a television and VCR. Set it up to play "Faces of Death." Eat
avidly as you describe each screen to everyone. Embellish. Don't be afraid
to speak while your mouth is full.
35. Get a large container and fill it with milk. Pour its contents into the
cereal dispenser. Dispense cereal. Complain about how you always get too
much milk.
36. Go up to someone you don't know and say, "Can I toast your buns?"
37. Talk to your food. Tell it to quit complaining or else you'll chew more.
38. Find and remove all the green Froot Loops from the cereal dispenser. Then
announce to everyone that you're charging a nickel for each green Fruit
Loop. If they refuse, tell them that they're not REAL Fruit Loop eaters.
Proceed to crush the green Fruit Loops and sniff them.
39. Stand where everyone empties their trays. Offer to eat everything
unfinished.
40. "Pass the pepper and salt, please."
41. Dress up in coat and tie. Find a table where everyone's done eating.
Inform them of the daily special desserts and take their orders.
42. Try to pick up members of the opposite sex. For Men: "I've got a large,
hard banana. Wanna piece?" For Women: "I've got a moist, wet fruit cake
(or cherry). Wanna indulge?"
43. During the meal, tell about the time you beat a boulder to death with your
pet turtle.
44. Find a full table. Ask, "Is anyone sitting under there?" Proceed to eat
beneath the table. Ask for amenities such as napkins and ketchup. Comment
on how nice everyone's shoes look.
45. If sitting with someone with whom you're romantically interested, complain
how the setting isn't very romantic. Apologize. Then give a look of resolve
and proceed to smash all the lights in the dining hall. Sit back down and
remove the shattered glass from your partner's food.
46. Bring in a cordless or cellular phone. Order pizza.
47. During the meal, complain how constipated you've been recently. Then pause
for two minutes, occasionally moaning. Smile. Then ask for some napkins.
Use them as toilet paper.
48. Same as above, except with pita pockets instead of napkins.
49. If you're have Swedish meatballs, pretend that they taste bad. Then say,
"These pigs testicles were better in El Salvador."
And, to thoroughly confuse people...
50. Comment on how GOOD the food is!
-= food humor =-= 120 =--------------------------------------------------------
Sure eating yogurt and oysters will improve your sex life. People know that if
you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
-= food humor =-= 121 =--------------------------------------------------------
Columnist Emil Guillermo, writing in Filipinas magazine in the fall of 1994,
urging Philippine-Americans to come out of the closet regarding their appetite
for dog meat: "Whether you have eaten it or not, deep down you know you'd eat
it. Yet that restrictive idea of 'when in America, do as Americans do' prevents
us from outright declaring, 'Mmmm, I prefer my German shepherd baked and my
cocker spaniel sauteed.'"
-= food humor =-= 122 =--------------------------------------------------------
In July 1994, Robert Minahan, a chef who specializes in crocodile cuisine at a
resort in Kakdu National Park in Australia, was attacked by a 6-foot crocodile
while swimming at Barramundi Gorge. Minahan commented, "It feels strange to be
on the other end of the food chain."
-= food humor =-= 123 =--------------------------------------------------------
Haggis
Haggis is a kind of black pudding eaten by the Scots and considered by them to
be not only a delicacy but fit for human consumption. The minced heart, liver
and lungs of a sheep, calf, or other animal's inner organs are mixed with
oatmeal, sealed and boiled in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomach-bag and...
Excuse me a minute...
-= food humor =-= 124 =--------------------------------------------------------
According to a Thanksgiving press release from the Butterball company, the
highlight of calls to the company's emergency hotline occurred in 1993 when a
woman reported that her pet Chihuahua had jumped into the cavity of the family's
turkey and was stuck.
-= food humor =-= 125 =--------------------------------------------------------
The Jean-Paul Sartre Cookbook
by Alastair Sutherland
From Free Agent March 1987 (a Portland Oregon alternative newspaper).
Republished in the Utne Reader Nov./Dec. 1993.
We have been lucky to discover several previously lost diaries of French
philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre stuck in between the cushions of our office sofa.
These diaries reveal a young Sartre obsessed not with the void, but with food.
Apparently Sartre, before discovering philosophy had hoped to write "a cookbook
that will put to rest all notions of flavor forever." The diaries are excerpted
here for your perusal.
October 3
Spoke with Camus today about my cookbook. Though he has never actually eaten,
he gave me much encouragement. I rushed home immediately to begin work. How
excited I am! I have begun my formula for a Denver omelet.
October 4
Still working on the omelet. There have been stumbling blocks. I keep creating
omelets one after another, like soldiers marching into the sea, but each one
seems empty, hollow, like stone. I want to create an omelet that expresses the
meaninglessness of existence, and instead they taste like cheese. I look at
them on the plate, but they do not look back. Tried eating them with the lights
off. It did not help. Malraux suggested paprika.
October 6
I have realized that the traditional omelet form (eggs and cheese) is bourgeois.
Today I tried making one out of cigarettes, some coffee, and four tiny stones.
I fed it to Malraux, who puked. I am encouraged, but my journey is still long.
October 10
I find myself trying ever more radical interpretations of traditional dishes, in
an effort to somehow express the void I feel so acutely. Today I tried this
recipe:
Tuna Casserole Ingredients: 1 large casserole dish
Place the casserole dish in a cold oven. Place a chair facing the oven and sit
in it forever. Think about how hungry you are. When night falls, do not turn
on the light. While a void is expressed in the recipe, I am struck by its
inapplicability to the bourgeois lifestyle. How can the eater recognize that the
food denied him is a tuna casserole and not some other dish? I am becoming more
and more frustrated.
October 25
I have been forced to abandon the project of producing an entire cookbook.
Rather, I now seek a single recipe which will, by itself, embody the plight of
man in a world ruled by an unfeeling God, as well as providing the eater with at
least one ingredient from each of the four basic food groups. To this end, I
purchased six hundred pounds of foodstuffs from the corner grocery and locked
myself in the kitchen, refusing to admit anyone. After several weeks of work, I
produced a recipe calling for two eggs, half a cup of flour, four tons of beef,
and a leek. While this is a start, I am afraid I still have much work ahead.
November 15
Today, I made a Black Forest cake out of five pounds of cherries and a live
beaver, challenging the very definition of the word cake. I was very pleased.
Malraux said he admired it greatly, but could not stay for dessert. Still, I
feel that this may be my most profound achievement yet, and have resolved to
enter it in the Betty Crocker Bake-Off.
November 30
Today was the day of the Bake-Off. Alas, things did not go as I had hoped.
During the judging, the beaver became agitated and bit Betty Crocker on the
wrist. The beaver's powerful jaws are capable of felling blue spruce in less
than ten minutes and proved, needless to say, more than a match for the tender
limbs of America's favorite homemaker. I only got third place. Moreover, I am
now the subject of a rather nasty lawsuit.
December 1
I have been gaining twenty-five pounds a week for two months, and I am now
experiencing light tides. It is stupid to be so fat. My pain and ultimate
solitude are still as authentic as they were when I was thin, but seem to
impress girls far less. From now on, I will live on cigarettes and black
coffee.
-= food humor =-= 126 =--------------------------------------------------------
From the San Jose Mercury News, 1/11/95:
What Your Pizza Says About You
Wonder what the Domino's people do when they're not rushing pizzas all over
creation? They take surveys, or they say they do. The company's mighty public
relations machine offers these observations:
Men wearing muscle shirts when answering the door order pepperoni three times
more often than any other topping. People who have pierced noses, lips, or
eyebrows ask for a vegetarian topping 23 percent more often than a meat topping.
Those who have wind chimes on the porch are four times more likely than the
average to want olives.
A recurring element is the correlation between pizza-eating and TV-watching.
Whatever day and time 'Roseanne' airs is always the biggest half-hour of the
week for meat-topped pizza orders.
Since you asked, the No. 1 pizza-ordering show (figured by comparing orders
during its time slot with weeks when the show doesn't air) is 'Melrose Place,'
which is also by far the leading show for vegetable-topped pizzas. Pizza orders
in the 'Melrose Place' time slot have gone up 14 percent since Heather Locklear
joined the cast.
There's more: As you look back on 1994, trying to make sense of Newt's rise and
O.J.'s fall, you may want to consider these other statistics from Domino's:
o Since the Republicans won the election, meat-topped pizza orders have risen 32
percent in the Washington metropolitan area.
o Since Election Day, tipping of Domino's deliverers by Washington women has
fallen off by 10 percent (except during 'Melrose Place,' when it climbs by 30
percent).
o Since the election, tipping by House Republicans has been down 12 percent;
tipping by House Democrats has been up 3 percent.
o Whenever Newt Gingrich appears on national television, pizza orders to
Democratic offices go up 4 percent and go down 2 percent on the GOP side.
o And last, but not least: The single greatest hour for pizza delivery in
national pizza history was the hour when O.J. Simpson was in the white Ford
Bronco on the L.A. freeways.
-= food humor =-= 127 =--------------------------------------------------------
From an 1995 Associated Press bulletin: Chinatown food supplier Michael Chu
turned quite a profit on the several brands of tuna he distributed to New York-
area markets; he paid $4 a case, and sold 33,000 cases for $24, according to a
federal indictment. But it isn't the high profit that got him. A shopper saw a
can with the label torn off, and noted the label under it said "Seventh Heaven
Tuna Treat Cat Food". If convicted on the nine counts of fraud he's been
charged with, Chu faces 29 years in prison.
-= food humor =-= 127 =--------------------------------------------------------
From a USA Today article: Studies at Chicago's Smell and Taste Treatment and
Research Foundation prove the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, via
his nose. No, not perfume. Doughnuts, lavender, licorice, and pumpkin pie have
all been shown adept at producing sexual arousal in men, according to a
Foundation study. The best result so far: a combination of pumpkin pie and
lavender, which increased penile blood flow in 40% of the men studied. "This
suggests women have more of an effect on men if they throw away those expensive
perfumes and put some pumpkin pie in the oven," one researcher suggested.
================================================================================
== WAITER/WAITRESS HUMOR =======================================================
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 1 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, there's a flea in my soup!
I'll tell him to hop it.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 2 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, what's this fly doing in my soup?
Looks like the breast-stroke to me, sir.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 3 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, my plate's wet!
That's not wet, sir - that's the soup!
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 4 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, send the chef here. I wish to complain about this disgusting meal.
I afraid you'll have to wait, sir. He's just popped out for his dinner.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 5 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, do you call this a three-course meal?
That's right, sir. Two chips and a pea.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 6 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, this soup tastes funny?
So why don't you laugh?
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 7 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup.
What do you expect for $1 - a live one?
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 8 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, there's a bird in my soup.
That's all right, sir. It's bird's nest soup.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 9 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, there's a dead beetle in my soup.
Yes sir, they're not very good swimmers.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 10 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Well, keep quiet about it or everyone will want one...
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 11 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud!
I'm not surprised, sir, it was ground only a few minutes ago.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 12 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, this coffee tastes like soap.
Then that must be tea, sir. The coffee tastes like glue.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 13 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, this coffee is way too strong!
Don't complain, sir. You may be old and weak yourself some day.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 14 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, your tie is in my soup!
That's all right, sir, it's not shrinkable.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 15 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, your thumb's in my soup!
That's all right, sir, it's not hot.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 16 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, what's this in my soup?
I'm not sure, sir, I can't tell one bug from another.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 17 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, do you serve crabs?
Sit down, sir - we serve anyone.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 18 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, have you got asparagus?
We don't serve sparrers and my name is not Gus!
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 19 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, why have you given me my dinner in a feedbag?
The head waiter says you eat like a horse.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 20 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, there's a dead fly in my soup!
Yes, sir, it's the hot water that kills them.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 21 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, this bun tastes of soap.
That's right, sir - it's a bathbun.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 22 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, there's a twig in my soup.
Yes, sir, we've got branches everywhere.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 23 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, my knife is blunt and my steak is like leather.
I should strop the knife on the steak then, sir.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 24 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, if this is place then I'm an idiot.
You're right, sir - it *is* the place.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 25 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, I think I'd like a little game.
Draughts or tiddlywinks, sir?
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 26 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, is this all you've got to eat?
No, sir, I'll be having a nice shepherd's pie when I get home.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 27 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, I'll have soup and fish.
I'd have the fish first if I were you, sir, it's just on the turn.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 28 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, you're not fit to serve a pig!
I'm doing my best, sir.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 29 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, bring me tea without milk.
We haven't any milk, sir. How about tea without cream?
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 30 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, how long will my sausages be?
Oh, about three or four inches if you're lucky.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 31 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, this egg tastes rather strong.
Never mind, sir, the tea's nice and weak.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 32 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, I'll have a chop; no - make that a steak.
I'm a waiter, sir; not a flopping magician!
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 33 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, I asked for bread with my dinner.
It's in the sausages, sir.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 34 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, there is a mosquito in my soup.
Yes sir, that's because we've run out of flies.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 35 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, there is a fly in my salad.
I'm sorry sir, I didn't know that you are vegetarian.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 36 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, where is my honey?
She left last week, sir.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 37 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, there's a hair my honey.
It must have dropped off the comb, sir!
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 38 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, that dog's just run off with my roast lamb!
Yes, it's very popular, sir.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 39 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, this bread's got sand in it.
That's to stop the butter slipping off, sir.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 40 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, there's a button in my soup.
Oh, thank-you, sir. I've been looking for that everywhere.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 41 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, there's no chicken in this chicken pie.
So what? You don't get dog in a dog biscuit, do you?
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 42 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, there's a worm on my plate.
That's your sausage, sir.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 43 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
That's all right, sir, he won't drink much.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 44 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, there's a fly swimming in my soup.
So what do you expect me to do, call a lifeguard?
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 45 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea-cup?
I wouldn't know, sir. I'm a waiter, not a fortune-teller.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 46 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, there's a beetle in my soup; send the manager here.
That won't do any good, sir - he's frightened of them as well!
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 47 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, is this a lamb chop or a pork chop?
Can't you tell by the taste?
No, I can't
Then what does it matter?
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 48 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, in future I'd like my soup without.
Without what, sir?
Without your thumb in it!
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 49 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, bring me a glass of milk and a Dover sole.
Fillet?
Yes, to the brim.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 50 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, I'll pay my bill now.
This $10 note is bad, sir.
So was the meal.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 51 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, there's a fly in my butter.
No there isn't.
I tell you there is a fly in my butter!
And I tell you there isn't; it isn't a fly, it's a moth and it isn't butter,
it's margarine - so there!
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 52 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, how long have you been here?
Six months, sir.
Ah, then, it can't be you who took my order.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 53 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, I can't eat this!
Why not sir?
You haven't given me a knife and fork.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 54 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, this lobster's only got one claw.
I expect he's been in a fight, sir.
Well, bring me the winner!
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 55 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, have you got frogs' legs?
Certainly , sir.
Then hop into the kitchen and get me a steak!
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 56 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, does the pianist play requests?
Yes, sir.
Then ask him to play tiddlywinks till I've finished my meal.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 57 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, my bill please.
How did you find your luncheon, sir?
With a magnifying glass.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 58 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, bring me a fried egg with finger-marks in it, some luke-warm greasy
chips and a portion of watery cabbage.
We don't do food like that, sir!
You did yesterday..
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 59 =---------------------------------------------
Customer: I'll have some lamb chops and make them lean.
Waiter: Forward or backward, sir?
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 60 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, what do you call this?
Cottage pie, sir.
Well, I've just bitten on a piece of the door.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 61 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, what do you call this?
That's been soup, sir.
I don't care what it's been, what is it now?
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 62 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, I'll have the pie, please.
Anything with it, sir?
If it's anything like last time I'd better have a hammer and chisel.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 63 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, I'll have my bill now.
How did you find your steak, sir?
Oh, I just move the potato and there it was.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 64 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, Waiter, is this a fly in my soup?
Quite possibly, sir. The chef used to be a tailor.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 65 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, Waiter, is this a hair in my soup?
Why, of course sir. That's rabbit stew!
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 66 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Couldn't be, sir. The cook used them all in the raisin bread.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 67 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter, there is a fly in my soup.
Sorry sir, maybe I've forgotten it when I removed the other three.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 68 =---------------------------------------------
I had lunch in a Chinese restaurant the other day, but the chicken was
terrible. So I called the waiter over and I said, "This chicken is rubbery."
And the waiter said, "Thank you berry much!"
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 69 =---------------------------------------------
Scene: A table at a Chinese restaurant. A patron has just been seated. The
restaurant is being run by an oriental family. The waiter has a heavy Oriental
accent.
Man: Hi! You must be the waiter.
Waiter: Yes, sir! How may I serve you?
Man: I'm hungry today! What's today's special?
Waiter: At this establishment, *everything* is special *everyday*!
Man: Ha, ha. Right. (looks at the menu.) Can't make up my mind.
Waiter: Would you like some soup of the day?
Man: What's the soup of the day?
Waiter: Bird drop soup. I go get bowl for you.
The waiter leaves and returns with a steaming bowl of soup.
Waiter: Here you go! Soup of the day!
Man: Great. (Takes a sip.) (Spits) Yuck! This soup tastes spoiled!
Waiter: Ha, ha! Soup of the day ... did not say from *which* day!
Man: Yuck, yuck! You seem to think that was funny! You must be the waiter!
Waiter: Yes! And, you are the customer. How may I help you?
Man: May I see a menu, please?
Waiter: Sure. Menu on counter. Next to cash register.
Man: Well, aren't you going to get it?
Waiter: Why? You need it, I don't!
Man: But, aren't you the waiter?
Waiter: Yes, and you are the customer! How may I serve you?
Man: Just get me the menu!
Waiter: Okay, okay ...
The waiter leaves and returns with a menu.
Waiter: Okay, here menu. Now, what you like to order?
Man: Let's see. I think I'll have the beef chow fun.
Waiter: Ah! Beef chow fun! You want to have some fun! Ha, ha! Get it? Have
some *fun*?
Man: Man, you have a terrible sense of humor! You must be the waiter!
Waiter: Yes, and you must be the customer! How may I serve you?
Man: May I have my order of fun, please?
Waiter: We don't serve fun here. Not that kind of business.
Man: What?
Waiter: My daughter is *waitress*, not for fun ...
Man: No!! I mean the kind of fun in the kitchen ... in the wok!
Waiter: Ugh! Fun in the wok! You Americans are *very* strange!
Man: No, no! Look, I want that order of beef chow fun!
Waiter: Ah, you want CHOW fun!
Man: That's what I said!
Waiter: So sorry. You are the customer.
Man: You are the waiter.
Waiter: How may I serve you?
Man: Just get me my order.
Waiter: No problem.
The waiter walks toward the order window.
Waiter: One order beef chow fun!
Man: Oh, waiter! No MSG!
Waiter: One order beef chow fun! Hold MSG!
Cook: Two order beef chow fun! One no MSG!
Waiter: No! ONE order beef chow fun! No MSG!
Cook: You say TWO order beef chow fun! One no MSG!
Waiter: No! I say one order beef chow fun, then I say no MSG!
Cook: No, you say one order beef chow fun, and one order beef chow fun, no MSG!
That TWO order beef chow fun, one no MSG!
Waiter: Look ... I only want ONE order beef chow fun, okay?
Cook: Any MSG?
Waiter: No!
Cook: (mumbles) Nobody like MSG. Don't know why. Taste good. Maybe make you
a little nervous, but so does coffee ...
The waiter returns to the table.
Waiter: Cook cook your order now. Anything else?
Man: Let me look at the menu. (Looks at the menu) Hey, waiter! What's this
on the menu?
Waiter: (Looks at the menu) Look like food.
Man: That's disgusting! Don't you guys clean your menus?
Waiter: Why?
Man: Well ... uh, I don't know. What is it?
Waiter: Look like chow fun.
Man: Really? Hmmm.
The man pulls the fragment of chow fun off the menu and EATS it.
Man: Mmmm! That's pretty good chow fun!
Waiter: That BEEF chow fun! You like?
Man: Yes. It was very tasty. I can't wait for my order now.
Waiter: How you know of chow fun?
Man: What do you mean?
Waiter: Most people order rice, noodles, egg roll, won ton ... but YOU order
chow fun! You Chinese?
Man: Yes, as a matter of fact.
Waiter: You from China? What part of China you from?
Man: Oakland.
Waiter: Ahh! Oakland not in China!
Man: Try telling that to my parents.
Cook: Order ready! One beef chow fun, no MSG!
Waiter: Here you are! One beef chow fun!
Man: Thanks. Wait. Why is there a spoon? Where's my chopsticks?
Waiter: Chow fun usually side dish. We serve with spoon.
Man: Well, I suppose I can use the spoon. Hey, what's this side dish?
Waiter: (Looks at the little dish) Don't know. Hey, cook!! Come out here!
The cook returns to the table.
Cook: Yeah?
Man: What's this white powder on this side dish?
Cook: Oh! That MSG.
Man: I said NO MSG.
Cook: I know. That why I put on side dish. In case you change your mind.
Man: I WON'T change my mind! I don't like MSG!
Cook: Look. Little bit of MSG, no hurt. Eat 5 gallon MSG, then maybe hurt.
Man: Well, I've heard people reacted strangely to it ...
Cook: (Angry) Look! I eat it! Prove to you that MSG a-okay!
The cook takes a heaping spoonful of MSG and swallows it.
Cook: (Smiles.) See? Nothing wrong! Everything okay.
The cook stops smiling. Suddenly, the cook falls to the ground and shakes
uncontrollably.
Man: Uh-oh. Maybe we should get a doctor.
Waiter: No. He just on his break. He be okay in one hour.
Man: You guys are nuts. Just leave me alone.
Cook: (Gasps) I ... need ... water!
Waiter: You customer?
Cook: No.
Waiter: You not customer, I no serve you.
Man: May *I* have some water?
Waiter: You customer?
Man: Yes. Are you a waiter?
Waiter: Yes, how may I serve you?
Man: I want some water.
Waiter: Sorry. I'm on my break.
Man: All right. Who will be serving me?
Waiter: My daughter. The waitress.
The waiter leaves and his daughter, the waitress goes to the table. She is
absolutely gorgeous...
Man: You're the waitress?
Waitress: Yes, you are customer?
Man: Yeah.
Waitress: How may I serve you?
Man: I want some more fun.
Waitress: (slaps the patron) I'm not that kind of girl!
Man: (Sighs) Just get me another order of beef chow fun.
Cook: (From the floor) No MSG!
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 70 =---------------------------------------------
A man walks into a Chinese restuarant but is told by the maitre'd that there
will be at least a twenty minute wait and would he like to wait in the bar. He
goes into the bar and the bartender says, "What'll it be?"
The man replies, "Give me a Stoli with a twist."
The bartender squints at him for a few seconds, then smiles and says, "Once
upon time was *four* little pig..."
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 71 =---------------------------------------------
"Waiter, waiter! Bring me a crocodile sandwich, and make it snappy!".
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 72 =---------------------------------------------
A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the
air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned
down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never
once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out
the pest.
"Oh I don't care." said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air
conditioner."
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 73 =---------------------------------------------
One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter
took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.
Tom wasn't happy about that: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"
Bill: "If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?"
Tom: "The maller piece, of course."
Bill: "What are you mumbling about then? The smaller piece is what you want,
right?"
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 74 =---------------------------------------------
Waiter: Tea or coffee, gentlemen?
1st customer: I'll have tea.
2nd customer: Me, too. And be sure the glass is clean!
(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 75 =---------------------------------------------
A guy arrived to a fine restaurant, he take a seat and the waitress arrived.
Waitress: Can I take your order?
Man: Please, bring me a large plate with cold shit and a glass of water.
Waitress: Sorry?
Man: A LARGE PLATE WITH COLD, VERY COLD, SHIT AND A GLASS OF WATER!!!!
Waitress: Right away, sir!
After five minutes, the waitress arrived with a large plate with cold shit
and a glass of water...
Waitress: Here is your order sir, anything else?
Man: No, thank you.
The man takes a spoon and starts to eat all the cold shit very fast, then he
stops and take a drink of water, then he starts to eat the cold and stinky shit
again. After ten minutes, he suddenly stops, and starts to puke, and the
waitress arrives.
Waitress: Is something wrong sir?
Man: THERE WAS A FLY IN MY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 76 =---------------------------------------------
Two guys walk into the restaurant and waitress comes.
Waitress: Can I take your order?
Guy 1: Yeahh, I 'll have shit with onions.
Guy 2: I'll have a plain shit.
Guy 1 (to Guy 2): Why you don't take onions?
Guy 2: I hate when I have bad breath afterwards.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 77 =---------------------------------------------
A guy in a restaurant orders chicken noodle soup. He starts to eat the soup
and chokes on a hair in the soup. After gagging for a minute, he calls the
waitress. "I'm not paying for this soup. There was a hair in it."
The waitress and customer get into a bit of an argument over the problem. The
guy ends up storming out of the restaurant without paying.
The waitress sees the guy go across the street to a house of ill repute. The
waitress's shift is over in about 15 minutes. She hurries over to the hooker
house and finds out where the guy is. The waitress crashes into the room where
the guy and lady of the evening are engaging. As she walks in, the waitress
sees the guy with his face in the hooker's business area.
The waitress, seeing this, says, "You wouldn't pay for the chicken noodle
soup because you found hair in it. Now look where your face is."
The guy, upon pulling his face out of the muff, turns to the waitress and
says, "And if I find a noodle in there, I will not pay for that either."
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 78 =---------------------------------------------
When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour,
the Englishman was a bit dismayed. "Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"
"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.
"I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 79 =---------------------------------------------
A man walks into an Indian restaurant and is shown to a table. He sits for a
few minutes perusing the menu, then calls the waiter over.
"Waiter, can you explain something to me, please?"
"Certainly, sir, what's the problem?"
"Well, you see this item here... Chicken Tarka? Shouldn't that be Chicken
Tikka?"
"No, that's right, sir; Chicken Tarka is similar to Chicken Tikka, but it's a
little 'otter."
(If you don't get this joke, explanation/clarification for non-Indian restaurant
frequenters:
Chicken - a fowl
Tikka - an Indian dish
Chicken Tikka - an Indian dish made with fowl
Tarka - hero/ine(?) of book "Tarka the Otter"
Otter - like a ferret, only larger. Swims around in rivers a lot eating fish.
Chicken Tarka - if you don't get it yet don't bother getting up tomorrow.
-= waiter/waitress humor =-= 80 =---------------------------------------------
From Late Show with David Letterman - Friday, January 13, 1995
Top Ten Ways To Annoy Your Waiter
10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.
9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?"
8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Sucks!"
7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage".
6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"
5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.
4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for
dinner, would you?"
3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.
2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna take a leak in the
chowder!"
1. Three words: eat the check.
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