Clinton Jokes
Note:
This list is being maintained by Nathan Mates, nathan@visi.com. Please
send any submissions at any time. You can freely distribute this file
as long as this message remains intact. The entire collection of
Clinton Jokes can be found on the WWW at
http://www.visi.com/~nathan/humor/political/
--- SECTION: Q&A Jokes
Q: How do you break a Bill Clinton supporter's finger?
A: Punch him in the nose.
Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and Bill Clinton's campaign limo?
A: A porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Q: What does Jeffrey Dahmer's victims and The Clintons' hair styles have
in common?
A: They both look like the work of a butcher...
Q: If The Clinton's were younger, do you think they would have known the
Clampents?
A: Possibly, Bill might have made Jethro's acquaintance in the 6th grade.
Q: Why doesn't Hillary cut Bill's hair?
A: He won't pay her $300.
Q: What are the two worst things about Bill Clinton?
A: His face
Q: What is the Arkansas state flower?
A: Gennifer
Q: Know how to solve the Serbian/Bosnian problem in less than 48 hours?
A: Put Janet Reno in charge.
Q: What did the band play at Clinton's inauguration?
A: Inhale to the chief
Q: What's the difference between a Bill Clinton and a carp
A: One's a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other's a fish.
Q: Why is Bill Clinton apprehensive about going to the movies?
A: Because he's afraid the usherette will ask to see his stub.
Q: What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and a pit bull?
A: The pit bull doesn't carry a briefcase.
Q: How does Bill Clinton say "Fuck you"?
A: "Trust me."
Q: What is the difference between Dan Quayle, Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda?
A: Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.
A: One has two boobs, the others *are* two boobs.
Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton apart from a cow?
A: By the wise look in the eyes.
Q: How can you tell Bill Clinton from a bunch of dead bodies?
A: He's the stiff one.
Q: What does Gennifer Flowers do when she misses Bill Clinton?
A: Eats Waffles
Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two -- One to promise he'll do it better than anyone else and
one to obscure the issues.
A: None -- He'll only promise "change."
A: HE DOESN'T! He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets
congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames
Republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.
Q: Why are people in Arkansas having peanut butter and jelly for Thanksgiving
this year?
A: Because they're sending their turkey to the White House!
A: Because they can't afford any more pork
A: Reagan ate all the jellybeans
A: They've been having turkey FOR YEARS
A: Because Bill is having Gennifer
A: Because Clinton "invested" all the turkey.
Q: What was Bill and Chelsea Clinton doing in the voting booth?
A: Bill was giving his daughter a lesson in Civics, how to sc#$w the people!
Q: What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin?
A: A girl that can run faster than the Governor.
Q: What does Teddy Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wishes *he* did?
A: A dead girlfriend.
Q: What's the difference between Personal Injury lawyers and Congress?
A: NO FEE - If No Recovery!!!
Q: How did Bill and Hillary Clinton meet?
A: They were dating the same girl in high school.
Q: How does Hillary know that Chelsea's got her period?
A: She tastes blood on Bill's prick.
Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is lying?
A: Only a Bill Clinton supporter is too dumb to know the answer to this one.
Q: How can you tell when Bill Clinton is telling a lie by looking at his face?
A: If his lips are moving, then he's lying.
Q: What are Bill's two favorite campaign promises?
A: ``The check is in your mouth'' and ``I won't come in the mail.''
Q: What do Bill Clinton and a fifteen-watt light bulb have in common?
A: Neither one is very bright.
Q: What does Clinton do to lose weight?
A: Runs away from the draft.
Q: How can you tell when Clinton is ready for battle [in Bosnia]?
A: He's got his jogging suit on.
Q: What's Clinton's favorite baseball team?
A: The Dodgers.
Q: Why does Hillary always try to get on top?
A: Because Bill can only f--- up.
Q: What was the *real* reason for Clinton to dodge draft?
A: He could not make it as a Naval Aviator
Q: What would Clinton do if he did not get into politics?
A: Become a botanist and play with Flowers
Q: What's Bill's fondest wish now?
A: That someone would wave a hand at him using more than one finger.
Q: Why do they put Bill Clinton's picture on the insides of toilet bowls?
A: So the assholes can see who they voted for.
Q: What's a Clinton sandwich?
A: Pure bologna piled high and deep.
Q: Why do they always fly around a live turkey in a cage on Air Force 1?
A: For spare parts.
Q: Did you hear that the Clinton's had Air Force 1 remodeled?
A: Now it's got two left wings.
Q: Why is Bill Clinton called "middle of the road Democrat"?
A: Because he's got a wide yellow stripe down the middle of his two-lane back.
Q: Why is Bill Clinton's economic plan called positively atheist?
A: Because it hasn't got a prayer.
Q: If Bill and Hillary jumped together off the Washington monument,
who'd land first?
A: Who cares?
Q: How did Bill Clinton get a crick in his neck?
A: Trying to save both faces.
Q: If Bill and Hillary and Al and Tipper took a boat ride and the boat
capsized, who would be saved?
A: The United States of America!
Q: Why is Bill Clinton diverting federal funds from improving schools to
improving jails?
A: Because when his term is through, he won't be going to school.
Q: Why does Chelsea look so stupid and ugly?
A: Heredity.
Q: Why did Bill and Hillary send Chelsea to a private school?
A: If they sent her to a public school, the secret service
would be out-gunned!
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and his father?
A: Bill Clinton's father only screwed *half* the country.
Q: What do Clinton and JFK have in common?
A: They haven't had any brains for the last thirty years.
Q: What happened when Bill Clinton got a shot of testosterone?
A: He turned into Hillary!
Q: Did you hear Chrysler is introducing a new car to
commemorate President Clinton's election?
A: It's gonna be called the Dodge Drafter!
Q: Why does the secret service guard Hillary so closely?
A: Because if something happens to her, Bill becomes President!
Q: My brother explained why Bill Clinton is having so many
woes:
A: Bill Clinton has been in the Flowers and weeds!!
Q: What do the Titanic and the Clinton Administration have
in common?
A: .........going down fast
Q: How many Clinton administration officials does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
A: Two -- one to screw the bulb into the faucet while the other tells us
that everything possible is being done to help the situation.
Q: How many republicans does it take to raise your taxes?
A: None. The democrats do that.
Q: How many republicans does it take to disarm the _LAW_ABIDING_
public so that the government can enforce totalitarianistic and
unconstitutional laws?
A: None. The Sociali^H^H^H^H^H^HDemocrats do that.
Q: Did you hear about Clinton farting during his press conference today?
A: It got picked up by the microphones and went out over TV :)
Q: How many Clinton White House officials does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 0, They like to keep him in the dark!
Q: Why was Hillary SO interested in Whitewater?
A: She had heard whitewater could be found going over a dike (dyke).
Q: What do you get when you cross a lesbian and a gay?
A: ChelseA:
Q: Why do liberals travel in threes?
A: One to read, one to write and the other one to keep an eye on both
intellectuals.
Q: What kind of neckwear does Hillary Clinton look best in?
A: A noose
Q: What kind of jewelry does Hillary look best in?
A: Handcuffs
Q: What Biblical and Renaissance characters does Hillary most resemble?
A: Jezebel and Lucretia Borgia
Q: What's the best place to photograph Clinton Administration officials?
A: A police lineup
Q: What do you get when you cross a lesbian with a draft dodger?
A: Chelsea!
Q: What's a conservative?
A: A liberal who made it through adolescence.
Q: What is a conservative?
A: A liberal who's been mugged.
Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked
politician?
A: ChelseA:
Q: You know what the problem with political jokes is, don't you?
A: They get elected.
Q: Dan Quayle, Ted Kennedy, and Bob Packwood were in a spelling bee.
Who won?
A: Dan Quayle, because he was the only one who knew that "harass" was
one word....
Q: What famouse Arkansas State Supreme Court decision is Hilary Clinton
famous for?
A: If you divorce your wife in Arkansas, is she still your cousin?
Q: Why is Chelsea Clinton a miracle child?
A: Because lawyers use their personalities for birth control.
Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?
A: To tax the chicken.
Q: What do you get when you cross Chelsea Clinton with a tit.
A: The ugliest hooters on earth.
Q: What has two wings and a crooked willie?
A: Air Force One.
Q: Why can't Bill Clinton file a defamation of character suit against
his critics?
A: Because Bill Clinton has no character to defame.
Q: If called to testify in a trial how long will it before before
Clinton commits perjury?
A: When he's sworn in.
Q: Did you hear that Bill Clinton is going to have a sex change?
A: Because he wants to know how the wemen feel when being screwed.
Q: What does Bill say to Hillary after having sex?
A: I'll be home in 15 minutes.
A: Come pick me up before she calls the cops!
Q: How many helicopters does it take for White House aides
to go play a round of golf?
A: Depends on how many were photographed.
Q: What does Hillary do after she shaves her pu**y every morning?
A: Sends him to work!
Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?
A: To tax the chicken.
A: Because Hillary pulled him by his balls.
Q: Why did Bill Clinton cross the road?
A: To meet the chick.
Q: How are Boris Becker and President Clinton alike?
A: Both aren't as successful when they're not on grass...
Q: What's yellow, hen-pecked and lays chicks?
A: Bill Clinton
Q: Did you hear they put two new faces on Mt. Rushmore?
A: Yeah, they were Bill Clinton.
Q: What is the best way to kill Clinton????
A: Give him somthing that reads:
DO NOT INHALE.
Q: Did you know that Clinton's cat can play Chess ?
A: Inside Information: The cat isn't really all that good at Chess.
The last time they played best of five, Clinton won three games to
two.
Q: Who becomes president of the U.S.A: when the President Dies
A: Bill Clinton of course!
Q: How does Bill Clinton change a light bulb?
A: He doesn't. He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets
congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames
republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.
Q: What was the first thing Clinton said when Francisco
Martin Duran started shooting at the White House?
A: Oh #*@$! You're husband's outside and he's PISSED!
Q: What do the Republicans have that Bill Clinton wishes he had?
A: A mandate to govern.
Q: Why did Clinton want to go into Haiti anyway?
A: He overheard his advisors talking about a hot spot
that one risked HIV infection from entering & he
thought they were talking about Gennifer Flowers.
Q: How can you tell that the guy who attacked the
White house with a plane was insane?
A: He seems to have thought Clinton would be in
his -own- bedroom at night.
Q: What does the LAPD case against OJ Simpson &
the way Hillary knows when Chelsea is menstruating
have in common?
A: They both involve blood spots found on Socks.
Q: When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasn't a Democrat?
A: When she didn't swallow everything he presented.
Q: What did Hillary tell Bill when the Paula Jones story broke?
A: "You putz I TOLD YOU to let Teddy Kennedy drive her home!
Q: What did Clinton say to Paula Jones when she broke her story?
A: "I said `Do my erection', -not- `ruin my re-election.' !!"
Q: What's the difference between Hillary & Liberace?
A: Hillary's aides haven't killed her yet.
Q: What did Boris Yelstin say when asked if meeting Clinton
made want to convert Russia to the type of government they
have in America?
A: "Hell no, I ain't let my wife run the country!!"
Q: What's the difference between the Panama canal & Hillary?
A: Well one's a busy ship-filled ditch & the others a dizzy
shit-filled bitch.
Q: Why did all the faggots vote for Clinton?
A: Because faggots like assholes better than Bush.
Q: Why doesn't Bill like old houses?
A: He's afraid of the draft.
Q: What's the differents between Bill Clinton and an elephant?
A: About 20 pounds and a jogging suit.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?
A: Koresh only burned 85 people.
A: Some people still believe in David Koresh.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Joseph Stalin?
A: Some of Stalin's subjects admired him.
Q: How many Hillary Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One - she just holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
Q: What does Ted Kennedy have that Bill Clinton wished he had?
A: A dead girlfriend.
Q: What's the difference between Janet Reno and a school bus driver?
A: The bus driver stops to let the kids out.
Q: What do Bill Clinton and Jim Bakker have in common?
A: Both of their mistresses made Playboy.
Q: How does Bill keep Gennifer Flowers away from the White House?
A: He keeps offering to send Ted Kennedy over to give her a ride.
Q: What is the difference between Clinton and the Titanic?
A: Only 200 women went down on the Titanic.
Q: What's the difference between Clinton and a whale?
A: Whales mate for life
Q: When will there be a woman in the White House?
A: When Hillary leaves town.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a container of yogurt?
A: Yogurt has culture.
Q: What is the best thing that ever came out of Arkansas?
A: Highway 55
Q: Why does Clinton always have a stupid grin on his face?
A: He IS stupid!
Q: In Arkansas, what is the new use they found for sheep?
A: Wool
Q: What is Bill Clinton's favorite color?
A: Plaid
Q: Why is Clinton prone to losing his voice?
A: He keeps having to eat his words.
Q: How do you know when a liberal is really dead?
A: His heart stops bleeding.
Q: What will Clinton do for the Navy?
A: Give Rear Admiral a new meaning.
Q: How does Al Gore spell potato?
A: T-A-T-E-R
Q: What has 14 arches and 100 munchkins?
A: Bill Clinton's jogging route
Q: Bill, Hillary, and Al are in a boat. The boat sinks. Who is saved?
A: The United States of America
Q: Why is Chelsea growing up a confused child?
A: Because dad can't keep his pants on and mom wants to wear them.
Q: Why is Bill not sending Chelsea to public school?
A: He doesn't want her secret service protection to be out-gunned.
Q: Why were there two presidential limousines in the inaugural parade?
A: The first one held the real president while the second one
contained the president's spouse, Bill Clinton.
Q: What are the two featured songs at the Clinton inauguration?
A: Back in the USSR followed by Inhale to the Chief.
Q: What did the populist Clinton say to promote his inauguration?
A: "My balls are for everyone."
Q: How has Clinton made his cabinet look more like America?
A: Many of them have sixth grade reading levels.
Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter?
A: Jimmy Carter waited until after the inauguration to break his promises.
Q: How do you spot Al Gore in a room full of secret service agents?
A: He's the stiff one.
Q: What were the three toughest years in Al Gore's life?
A: Grade 6
Q: If Rodham gets health care, Bentsen gets treasury, and Aspin gets
defense, what does Gore get?
A: Coffee.
Q: Where did Bill Clinton get his favorite hand gesture? (Index finger
wrapped around the thumb when emphasizing a point.)
A: From pulling down shades in motel rooms.
Anita Hill Quote--
Q: Did you hear about the new Anita Hill doll?
A: Pinch its butt and ten years later it squeals!
Q: Why do the Kennedy's cry during sex?
A: Mace
Q: What will Bill's favorite retail outlet be after his economic blueprint
takes effect?
A: Everything's $100
Q: What was the real purpose of Bill's college visit to Moscow?
A: To study economics.
Q: What is Clinton's plan to create thousands of small businesses?
A: Take thousands of big businesses and wait four years.
Q: When will the homosexual political lobby go too far with Bill?
A: When they insist on renaming his office the oval orifice.
Q: Why is Bill infuriated with Chelsea's new private school?
A: They broke family tradition by making her wear a uniform.
Q: Why does Bill want gays in the infantry?
A: That's where all the first class privates are.
Q: What will be the Marine's new slogan?
A: We're looking for a few good-looking men.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter?
A: It took Bill less than 100 days to botch a military mission.
Q: Why did Bill go out to sea on an aircraft carrier?
A: To promote off-shore drilling.
Q: What are Clinton's plans for the military?
A: Transfer Seamen to all branches of the armed forces.
Q: Why did Clinton choose Canada as the site for his summit with Yeltsin?
A: So he could look up some college buddies who moved up there during the
war.
Q: What is a F.A:G.?
A: Former Arkansas Governor
Q: If you had Clinton, Gore, and Dolly Parton on stage together, what would
you have?
A: Two boobs and a great country singer!
Q: How can bake sales be used to lower the deficit?
A: Raise enough money to send Clinton a Flo-Bee!
Q: How come there are Jiffypop pans nailed to all the bedroom doors of the
White House?
A: To save money on smoke detectors!
Q: How will the White House Thanksgiving turkey be different this year?
A: It will have two left wings.
Q: What does Clinton have in common with his Hollywood pals?
A: They all make a living by lying to people.
Q: Why are females of the White House staff furious at Hillary?
A: She keeps leaving the toilet seat up.
Q: What do Hot Lips (of M*A*S*H fame) and David Koresh have in common?
A: Major Burns.
Q: Why did the Davidians commit suicide?
A: They were trying to keep up with the Joneses.
Q: Why are there more jokes about Waco than Jonestown?
A: The punch lines were too long in Jonestown.
Q: What do David Koresh and Congressman Conyers have in common?
A: They're both black and were burned by Janet Reno.
Q: What do a Wendy's Hamburger and the Waco compound have in common?
A: They were both cooked by a guy named "Dave".
Q: What is the only thing worse than an incompetent liberal President?
A: A competent liberal President.
Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and a homosexual?
A: One beer.
Q: Where have all the Clinton supporters gone?
A: Back on the shelf; next to the catcher's mitts where they belong.
Q: What is yellow, hen-pecked, and lays chicks?
A: C _ I _ _ _ N
Q: What is the first thing that President Clinton says after waking up?
A: "Good morning, Bill."
Q: Why won't there be a White House Christmas pageant this year?
A: They can't find three wise men and a virgin.
Q: What has Clinton done that no one has been able to do in the last 5
years?
A: Unite the Republican Party.
Q: Why did Clinton waffle on military action in Bosnia?
A: His area of expertise is dodging armed conflict.
Q: How many Democrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they only know how to screw the taxpayer.
Q: How does Ted Kennedy mark his place when reading a book?
A: He bends over a page.
Q: When did Clinton's friends become sure that he had political ambitions?
A: When he married outside of his family.
Q: What do you call a traffic jam over LAX?
A: Hairlock.
Q: What does Bill Clinton have in common with former great Presidents?
A: Absolutely nothing
Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and Elvis?
A: Elvis was drafted and served proudly in the Army.
Q: What do Roger Clinton and Mrs. Robert B. Reich have in common?
A: They both blow a little dope once in a while.
Q: Why did the IRS recently audit Bill Clinton?
A: Because he filed as head of the household.
Q: How is Clinton's health care reform a lot like his haircut?
A: It is a lot more expensive than it looks.
Q: What is Bill's definition of safe sex?
A: When Hillary is out of town.
Q: What is the difference between the real Army and Clinton's Army?
A: Soldiers used to get blown out of fox holes.
Q: Why did Clinton avoid the draft?
A: Back then, there was a ban on gays in the military.
Q: What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?
A: A puppy stops whining after it grows up.
Q: Why were the Clintonites pushing the BTU Tax?
A: Because they could spell it.
Q: How is Bill Clinton a lot like railroad track?
A: He's been laid all over the country.
Q: What is the basement where White House staffers work called?
A: The whine cellar
Q: Why aren't Clinton White House staffers given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q: How can you identify a computer that has been in use at the Clinton White
House?
A: There is White-out on the screen.
Q: How can you tell if it was a shared computer used by many staffers?
A: There is writing on the White-out.
Q: What is the difference between an intelligent liberal and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
Q: How is Bill Clinton like a passive-restraint device?
A: He is a bag of air that is not on the driver's side.
Q: Why did Clinton cut his vacation short in the interests of dikes,
levees, and rain showers?
A: He thought he was going to the Midwest for lesbians, taxes, and
soaking people.
Q: What caused all the flooding in the Midwest this year?
A: Hillary took all the dikes with her to Washington.
Q: How is Bill like a character actor?
A: When he shows character, he's acting.
Q: What is Hillary's favorite holiday?
A: Summer Solstice.
Q: Why did Clinton want a lot of women in his cabinet?
A: To hide the men in his closet.
Q: What do you get when you give Bill Clinton a penny for his thoughts?
A: Change.
Q: What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton with a gorilla?
A: Who knows? There is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do.
Q: What is Clinton's favorite war song?
A: "Over Here"
Q: What is the favorite nursery rhyme of Clinton's bimbos?
A: Humpme Dumpme.
Q: What do radical environmentalists like Al Gore have in common with a
watermelon?
A: They're green on the outside and red on the inside.
Q: Why does Joycelyn Elders hate aspirin?
A: It's white, it works, and you have to pick cotton to get to it.
Q: What costume did Bill Clinton wear to a Halloween party that scared
everyone to death?
A: He came dressed as a two-term president.
Q: Why is Perot's wife glad he didn't get elected?
A: If he won, they would have to move to a smaller house in a bad
neighborhood.
Q: What do you get when you send Joey Buttafuoco to Harvard?
A: Ted Kennedy
Q: Why are driver's education classes held only three days a week in
Arkansas?
A: The cars are needed the other two days for sex education.
Q: What is the difference between Donna Shalala and an old gray motorcycle?
A: One is a dull bike.
Q: What is the difference between liberalism and socialism?
A: Socialism is dead.
Q: What is the difference between Clinton's health care plan and a kidney
stone?
A: A kidney stone is easier to pass.
Q: What is the difference between Hitler and Bill Clinton?
A: Hitler intended to deliver on his speeches.
Q: What is the difference between the U.S. and the former USSR?
A: The U.S. still has a Communist Party in power.
Q: What do Bill Clinton and Kurt Cobain have in common?
A: Half a brain and Gore on their backs.
Q: What does Clinton need to stop the white water?
A: A water gate.
Q: Why are they renaming Arkansas Hwy 69 the "Bill Clinton Highway?"
A: The road is crooked, slick, and has a yellow stripe down the middle.
Q: What do Bill Clinton and the Mississippi River have in common?
A: Both are all wet, wander all over the place, and are controlled by dikes.
Q: What do Hillary Clinton and the Dallas Cowboys have in common?
A: They both dominate Bills
Q: What is the difference between TV characters Dan and Roseanne Conner and
the Clintons?
A: The Conners own their own home.
Q: What is the difference between Whitewater and Watergate?
A: No one died in Watergate.
Q: What is Hillary's new nickname after her latest hairstyle?
A: Oldielocks
Q: What game did Bill Clinton want Paula Jones to play?
A: Swallow the leader
Q: How does Bill Clinton fire up superlawyer Bob Bennett?
A: He tells him to go out there and win one for the zipper.
Q: Why doesn't Hillary smile more often?
A: Bill isn't doing to her what he's doing to the country.
Q: What are the administration's favorite words in foreign policy?
A: We have not ruled out military force.
Q: What would one get with a donation to Rostenkowski's legal fund?
A: A free stamp.
Q: What does David Koresh have in common with Bill Clinton?
A: They smoked but didn't inhale.
Q: Why are staff cuts so difficult for Clinton?
A: He can't give a woman a pink slip without asking her to try it on first.
Q: Is Bill Clinton heterosexual, bisexual, or homosexual?
A: None of the above. He suffers from egosexuality since he is constantly
screwing himself.
Q: Which of the following does not belong: AIDS, gonorrhea, herpes, or Bill
Clinton?
A: Gonorrhea--it can be cured.
Q: Why was Roger Clinton's wedding delayed 5 days?
A: The bride's father had to wait 5 days to buy the shotgun.
Q: How are Congressmen and baseball players alike?
A: They are millionaires who work 3 hours a day and left in August not
finishing what they had started.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the Atlantic?
A: To attend D-Day celebrations.
Q: What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton and James Dean?
A: A man without a clue.
Q: How did we know long before the Haiti invasion that Clinton was planning
to go to war?
A: He visited Oxford.
Q: How is Bill Clinton like an unemployed school teacher?
A: No class and no principals.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a pickpocket?
A: A pickpocket snatches watches.
Q: What does Hillary have in common with the city of Buffalo?
A: They both have Bills that are losers.
Q: What do Marsha Clark and Hillary Clinton have in common?
A: They both want a Bill's tailback.
Q: What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and the Tundra?
A: The Tundra gets drilled once in a while.
Q: Why does the Clinton administration want to reinvent government?
A: They are having a lot of trouble dealing with the existing
form...democracy.
Q: How are Boris Becker and Bill Clinton alike?
A: Both aren't as successful when they're not on grass.
Q: Who should Clinton have used to overthrow Haiti's military?
A: John Elway
Q: Why is Clinton so interested in events in the Middle East?
A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar.
Q: Why does Hillary think her husband is a model president?
A: Because a model is a small imitation of the real thing.
Q: What do Bill Clinton and Heidi Fleiss have in common?
A: They both got their careers by promising to screw the rich and famous.
Q: What's the difference between Hillary & Liberace?
A: Hillary's aides haven't killed her yet.
Q: What does Hillary Clinton have in common with Gerald Ford?
A: They both became president without being elected.
Q: What's the difference between the Waco ATF and Bill Clinton?
A: BIll Clinton burned 260 million people.
Q: What's another name for Bill Clinton's whores?
A: The White House Press Corps.
Q: What do call someone who sees the glass in front of him half full?
A: An optimist...
Q: Well, then what do you call someone who sees the glass in front of him as
half empty?
A: Teddy Kennedy
Q: What did Teddy Kennedy say when he heard of JFK's assassination?
A: Now John has brains on the outside of his pants too.
A: He couldn't have been shot in the temple! We're not Jewish!
Q: Why did Ted Kennedy spend 3 hours in the voting booth?
A: He thought he was in a confessional.
Q: What do Gennifer Flowers and George Bush have in common?
A: They were both upset when Bill finished first.
Q: What's the difference between Federico Pena's Denver International
Airport and the White House?
A: Planes can land at the White House.
Q: Why did Clinton fire Joycelyn Elders?
A: To beat off the GOP.
A: She wanted to do everything single-handedly.
A: He didn't want America thinking that Slick Willie could be jerked
around.
Q: How could Joycelyn Elders have brought about democracy in China?
A: By teaching children to hold their own elections.
Q: What is Joycelyn Elder's new job?
A: Spokesperson for the Pocket Fisherman.
Q: What was Elders' last official act?
A: A memo to Pee Wee Herman asking her to come up to Washington and give her
a hand.
Q: How is the Clinton cabinet like a bowl of Granola?
A: What ain't fruit and nuts is flakes.
Q: Why did the Clintons switch from MCI to AT&T?
A: They didn't have enough friends left to make a calling circle.
Q: What's the difference between President Hoover and Clinton?
A: One promised a chicken in every pot and the other was an unpromising
chicken who smoked pot.
Q: What do you get when you cross Barney Frank and Newt Gingrich?
A: A Fag Newton!
Q: How many Hillary Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One - she just holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from Bill Clinton.
Q: What's the difference between Clinton and Christopher Reeve?
A: Clinton is dead from the neck UP......
Q: Where are the two biggest airbags located?
A: The White House.
Q: Whats shakin'?
A: Chelsea's leg, when I scratch her behind her ear!
Q: How did Bill Clinton paralyze Hillary from the waist down?
A: He married her.
Q: Why is President Clinton ussually in a bad mood?
A: P.M.S.
Q: Why did Bubba and Hillary only have one kid?
A: Vince Foster is dead.
Q: What do they do to fast women in Arkansas?
A: Put a governor on 'em.
Q: Who was the first liberal Democrat?
A: Christopher Columbus. He left not knowing where he was going, got
there not knowing where he was, left not knowing where he'd been, and
did it all on borrowed money.
Q: Did you hear that someone threw a bottle of beer at Clinton?
A: Yes, but it's ok. It was a Draft and he was able to dodge it.
Q: Do you know why they outlawed mini skirts in the White House?
A: So Hillary's balls wouldn't show!
Q: Did you here about Kentucky Fried Chicken's Hillary Combo meal?
A: two small breasts, two large thighs and two left wings.
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and a gigolo?
A: A gigolo can only screw one person at a time.
Q: Why is it more dangerous than normal to sit next to Bill Clinton
while he's smoking?
A: The smoke is still firsthand!
Q: Why does Hillary have a big mouth?
A: She likes to bl** whales.
Q: Why does Hillary have a grimace on her face?
A: Bill forgot to take the di*** out.
Q: Why did Bill use the di***?
A: Because Hillary bit it off!
Q: Why did Gennifer Flowers leave Bill and talked?
A: Bill had NOTHING to give her!
Q: What's Clinton's executive order #1?
A: Flowers by his bedside.
Q: Did you hear that Dr. Kevorkian has renamed his death machine
"CLINTONATOR"?
A: Unlike a respirator it doesn't let the patient inhale.
Q: Did you know Bill Clinton has AIDS?
A: What do you expect when you screw everyone in the country?
Q: What's Bill Clinton's least expensive hobby?
A: To sit in the Oval Office and collect dust
Q: Why is Bill Clinton not circumcised? [per Gennifer Flowers]
A: It would involve throwing away the best part.
Q: Why did a Bill Clinton send an unsigned check for a hundred dollars to a
charity?
A: He wanted to make an anonymous contribution.
Q: Why is Hillary suing Bill for divorce?
A: Because he's doing to everybody what he should only be doing to her.
Q: Who was the biggest corporate contributor to Clinton's campaign?
A: Snap-On Tools, Inc.
Q: What did Hillary say to Bill before the election?
A: "We'd better win this one, or I'm moving in with Marina Navratilova!"
Q: Did you hear that Tyson Foods has genetically engineered a new
breed of chicken and named it in honor of Bill Clinton?
A: It's a brainless, spineless, dickless, left-wing asshole,
tar-and-feathers yellow chicken with no balls.
(Footnote: Tyson Foods are some Arkansas chicken farmers who torture
their chicken (ever heard of de-beaking?), pollute the environment
with chickenshit, and have paid millions of dollars to Co-Governors
Bill & Hillary Clinton to look the other way. :)
Q: Why is Bill Clinton the living proof of reincarnation?
A: Because no one could get this stupid in one lifetime.
Q: How many people work in civil service under Bill?
A: Maybe one in ten.
Q: Why did Bill abolish coffee breaks for civil servants?
A: Because coffee kept them awake all day.
Q: Who/what are/were Ren & Stimpy?
A: There other names for Bill and Al.
Q: Who is the most dangerous woman in the world?
A: Tonya Rodham Bobbitt
Q: Do you know why Clinton gave the Federal employees the day off on
Wednesday?
A: It was Secretaries' Day and he was to cheap to buy his a present!
Q1: What's a word for Clintons '92 campaign
Q2: What did Clinton request from Paula Jones.
Q3: What will Clinton have in '96
Q3': What will you get if Clinton's health bill passes?
A1: Snow-Job A2: Blow-Job A3: No Job.
Q: Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly?
A: She looks like her dad Janet Reno.
Q: Why did Bill Clinton fire Joyce Elders??
A: Because he failed her masturbation course!
Q: What does Hillary's new hair style have to do with her heading the
Health Care Reform Task Force?
A: She wanted to look more like nurse Ratchett from One Flew over the
Cuckoo's Nest .
Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: It's irrelevant; they still don't know they're in the dark!
Q: What's the best job a dumb blonde ever had?
A: Vice-president of the United States.
Q: Have you heard about the new Bill Clinton doll?
A: You pull a little ring and it NEVER tells the same story twice!
--- SECTION: Bumper Stickers
It's still the economy.
And he's still stupid.
-:- CLINTON - GORE / GONE IN FOUR -:-
Honk if Bill Clinton says you're rich!
First Hillary
Then Gennifer
Now US.
Bumper sticker on Arkansan car:
If you can read this
You're not from here
Abort Clinton
IMPEACH CLINTON!
And her husband, too!
CLUCK FINTON!
WHERE THE HELL IS LEE HARVEY OSWALD NOW THAT WE REALLY NEED HIM?
"CLINTON DOESN'T INHALE, HE SUCKS!"
-----------------------------------
| |
| Hey Bill ! |
| |
| Show us _your_ assault weapon. |
| |
| ~~~~~~~~~~~ |
-----------------------------------
( "your" was italicized )
There was no (C), but the ~~~~~ (small print) said,
Brought to you by The Coalition to Scare Your Panties Off
In a similar vein, I saw a Hundai on the freeway a few days ago
with a bumper sticker that read "My Lexus Thanks to Clinton"
What Bill did to Flowers,
Hillary's doing to Healthcare
CLINTON HAPPENS
"Carter is not longer the worst U.S. President"
"I am Clinton of Borg. Your incomes will be assimulated."
LIBERALS: One a day, and one in possession.
(inside the crosshairs of a scope)
Thank you, Bill Clinton, for costing me my job. I will repay you in '96.
Hey Hillary! Shut-up and redecorate!
My other car was cancelled by the Clinton Tax Bill
Its the SPENDING STUPID!
You can't shit here, 'cause your asshole's in the White House.
If Clinton was the Answer, IT MUST HAVE BEEN A REAL STUPID QUESTION!!
Clinton in '96 -- NOT!!
"Free Willy '96"
Bill Clinton: THE SLYDER
"Hilary sucks, and we all know who".
I'M NOT FONDA CLINTON
Rodhamhood: She steals from everyone to give to the government.
Clinton Health Care: A Trojan Hearse
BILL CLINTON
Why stupid people shouldn't vote.
"The jokes over, bring back Bush."
--- SECTION: Oneliners
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill
Clinton. The Dodge Draft will begin production in Canada this year.
When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he
replied, "I don't know. I never had one."
If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and
you had a choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer
prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed would you use?
Al Gore is a true legend. Everywhere he goes, there is a statue
personifying him.
Chelsea asked her dad, "Do all fairy tales begin with once upon a
time...?" Bill Clinton replied, "No. Some begin with 'After I'm
elected...'"
President Clinton will be starring in his own TV show next
season. It's called "Welcome Back Carter".
Did you hear it took three secret service agents to hold Hillary's
hand down during the swearing-in ceremony?
If the Clinton's divorce before 1996, who will get the house?
Hillary and Donna Shalala are such feminists that they insisted on
the removal of balls from the White House pool table.
When Clinton was asked about Roe vs. Wade, he replied "I think the
Haitians had better row because it is too far to wade."
Clinton's mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be
president. So far, half of her prayer has been answered.
The money clip of the 90's will be a penny stuck in a paper clip.
The big problem with Clinton's new military is that the only way to
get promoted is to suck up.
The American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as "Walking Eagle"
because he is so full of sh.. that he can't fly.
Bill Clinton's 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not commit thyself!
Gennifer Flowers reassures us that the White House budget is fine.
In her experience, the President already has a very small staff.
Bill Clinton has been mistakenly characterized as a "yes man" when
he is really a "yes ma'am."
What do Lani Guinnierre and Gennifer Flowers have in common? (Do
you really need the punchline for this one?)
We believe Clinton. He didn't inhale. He sucks!
The problem with a government-run trust fund is that there is too
little of either.
Clinton should be proud. He has done more in six months than Jimmy
Carter in four years.
Isn't putting Bill Clinton in charge of a trust fund as insane as
putting in a draft-dodger as Commander in Chief?
Al Gore is stiffer than Pee Wee Herman at a double feature.
Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America's finest
leaders: Integrity, vision, and wisdom.
Asked about his views on euthanasia, Clinton replied, "Youth in
Asia are just like kids everywhere else."
Diapers and congressmen need to be changed frequently for much the
same reason.
Clinton is doing the work of 3 men: Larry, Curly, and Moe
Someone is marketing Bill Clinton golf balls. They don't fly
straight but they sure give you a great lie.
If 50% of adults are illiterate, how come Bill only got 43% of the
vote?
Al Gore: Just a heartbeat away from the vice-presidency.
With all of Bill's half-siblings, at least we know his father was
not a condom salesman. Like father, like son.
The good news about Clinton's health care is that everyone will be
covered. The bad news is that it will be with dirt.
If character is not an issue, why isn't Ted Kennedy president?
Clinton floated a strike on baseball's opening day but most of his
pitches are high and to the left.
If Clinton wanted legislation to burn down the Capitol building,
Republicans in the Senate would introduce a compromise bill to burn it
down over 3 years.
Food stamps are rationed so what makes you think government-run
health care won't be?
No one can call Clinton a cheap taxpayer. Look at how much he is
costing the taxpayers.
When Bill's Congress passes a law, it's a joke...but when Hillary
tells a joke, it' the law.
Ever since he met JFK, Clinton wanted to be president in the worst
possible way...now he's succeeding beyond his wildest dreams.
Oxymoron of 1994: Whitewater Development
Have you heard about the new Bill Clinton doll? You pull the string
and it never tells the same story twice.
Dan Quayle's new book is called Standing Firm. Shouldn't that be
the title of Clinton's book?
A George Bush watch has no hands and says "read my lips."
A Ross Perot watch only runs sometimes.
A Clinton watch has two faces and neither one works.
One thing's sure about Clinton-- he sure doesn't neglect domestic
affairs.
Bob Kerrey, when asked about Bill Clinton dodging the draft: "Do I
care if he evaded the draft? Well, a part of me does."
[Mr. Kerrey lost a leg in Vietnam]
Clinton gives the term "going abroad" a whole new meaning.
Oxymoron of the year: Clinton character assassination.
BTW, can the Federal Trade Commision sue Bill Clinton for false
advertising? In particular, for using the title President Clinton?
Truman and Clinton "If Truman ever picked up a shot of whiskey, he
swallowed!"
Did ya'll know that President Clinton was a test tube baby. Just
goes to show that even before he was born, he wasn't worth a fuck!
I think that the US of A got the best of the latest deal with
China, the one where they traded Hillary Clinton for Harry Wu.
Bill Clinton. The perfect thing if pro wrestling is too
complicated for you.
Arsenio:
I heard that Harris [headed for the electric chair] was going to
imitate Bill Clinton... He wouldn't inhale...
Reagan speech 8/17/92 at Republican National Convention:
When we see all that rhetorical smoke billowing out from the
Democrats, ladies and gentlemen, I'd follow the example of their
nominee: Don't inhale.
]a 200 dollar hair cut? What kind of example does that set?
With hair like Clinton's, two hundred bucks isn't ENOUGH to make it
look right.
"Death, Taxes, and Democrats will always be with us, at least Death
never gets any worse" ... A Wise Man......
Why doesn't Clinton have the courage to call his plan what it
really is? "Socialism"
[On the claim that "lying" should be grounds to nullify an election:]
"If that's the standard, President Clinton could get the death
penalty at this point." -- Jay Leno
Re: Spy Magazine: CLINTON'S FIRST 100 LIES
I'm waiting for "Penthouse Magazine: CLINTON'S FIRST 100 LAYS".
Seems like a natural for The Great Fornicator.
After today's coroner's report we may learn that David Koresh
"smoked but didn't inhale"!
Clinton is not a "tax and spend" Democrat, he is a "contribute and
invest" democrat.
Subject: Clinton on Tailhook Affair.
After reading the investigation report Clinton remarked, "Maybe
draft dodging was not such a good idea!"
On the 4/23/93 Tonight show, Jay Leno noted in his monologue that
Clinton had broken so many promises that he has actually run out of
promises to break! So he has asked his aids to bring him a list of
all of Reagan's and Bush's promises so he can start working on
breaking their promises too!
Reporter: Did you meet Satan during your 1992 campaign swing through Georgia?
Clinton: No I didn't...inhell.
I've heard of the Clintons being referred to as Billary, combining
Bill and Hillary. Well, why not switch it around and say
"Hillbilly"... Hey! That fits all too well. And please I mean no
offense to the President. Or her husband.
From The Simpsons, April, 1993
[Bart] Didn't you think there was something wrong when you were
+getting checks for doing nothing?
[Grandpa] I thought it was because the Democrats were back in power.
When Clinton was asked if his administration would have an abortion
bill, he replied "No, I've already paid it."
George Bush reminds many women of their husbands, on the other hand
Bill Clinton reminds many women why an increasing number of them are
staying single.
US President Bill Clinton plans to reduce the budget deficit by an
appeal to sacrifice. The problem, however, is that every time he gets
near a virgin...
Voice From White House] Sorry, but we just have to cut all our
- non-essential staff here
(voice revealed to be Hillary)
Hillary] So, Bill, I'll give you 'til 5 to get out!
Reporter 1] The cult members seem totally brainwashed, and still place
their blind faith in a false savior offering hollow promises of salvation!
Reporter 2] And that concludes our report from the Clinton White House
Slick Willie appoints his wife to chair health care reform and now
appoints yet another Kennedy to be, of all things, Ambassador to
Ireland. Who said nepotism in American government is dead?
The two U.S. cities with the highest alcohol consumption are Las
Vegas and Washington, DC. The difference between the two is that in
Washington the drunks are gambling with *our* money!
"A Gore friend told him to urge Clinton to pick Sigourney Weaver
for Attorney General: 'She knows how to handle aliens.'"
Bill Clinton is *so* fat, when he wears his yellow raincoat, people
shout, "Taxi!"
I heard that some of the women in Arkansas are so fast that they
have to put a governor on them!
My brother explained why Bill Clinton is having so many woes: Bill
Clinton has been in the Flowers and weeds!!
Bill Clinton is *so* fat, when he makes love to two women at the
same time, they never see each other.
George Bush:
"Change, change, change... That's all we'll have in our pockets if
Bill Clinton is elected president."
Heard on MTV News:
"Bill's brother who who owns a band, Politics, will be playing at
the inauguration if Bill Clinton gets elected. Bill's brother will
bring down the house just like Bill Clinton will bring down the
country."
Did you hear Hillary Clinton ate beans on Friday night so she could
take a bubble bath on Saturday?
Saw this on "In Living Color" last night:
Barbara Bush to Hillary Clinton: "Your daughter's so ugly Woody
Allen wouldn't touch her."
New campaign slogan for Gov. Clinton:
Smell my lips.....No more Bush
Bill Clinton is *so* fat when he sits around the White House, he sits
*around* the White House.
About the porno film,
Slick Willie bl*** the country.
And a Perot Joke:
Doesn't Perot look like Radar 30 years later?
Hillary isn't just butt ugly, she's up-butt ugly!
Vote Democrat... It's easier than getting a job
Last night David Letterman mentioned that Gennifer Flowers is going
to do a "spread" in the December Penthouse magazine. He remarked that
it will be good, for once, to see something that a Presidential
candidate has done.
What is the difficulty with writing a PDP-8 program to emulate Bill
Clinton? Figuring out what to do with the other 3K.
From The Wall Street Journal, 11/19, page one (reprinted w/out permission)
"Reality Sets In: Clinton Advisors Find
Promises are Easier to Make Than Keep"
----
"They are Drawing Up Lists of Tax Increases and Cuts in
Entitlement Programs / One Target: Big Corporations"
Hillary stopped using her maiden name when she found out from
Gennifer who the REAL Rodman was.
Which is worse, a Vice-President who can't spell or a President who
can't add?
A little publicized Grammy Award:
In the category, best new government artist
"Baby, Give it Back" by Sir Tax-a-Lot (William Jefferson Clinton)
Hospital sources report that Defense Secretary Les Aspin is having
a "change of heart" about gays in the military.
There are too many bills to pay without having to pay the one in
Washington.
CLINTONIA - any of a genus of herbs of the lily family with
yellow flowers on a naked stalk.
Clinton's pulled over on the highway, cop takes a look at his
license and unzips his fly, Clinton says "Oh no, not another
breathalyzer test"...
Little things get big, and big things get little...you make a boner, y'know.-
President Bill Clinton
(Referring to the press coverage of
his $200 "Doo") (I *think*)
We were so poor that even Bill Clinton's tax plan would't call us rich.
Bill: ``Guess what! I just heard that George and Washington aren't
husband and wife!''
Hillary: ``What difference does it make as long as they love each
other.''
Cabinet meeting...
Janet Reno: Good morning, Hillary!
Hillary Ramrod Clintor: mmmm! mmmm! (sticks her tongue out and
mumbles) Excuse me, I've got an erection.
Uncle Sam stop issuing seven-year bonds on Wednesday. (1993)
[ whistle ] [ whistle ]
Hint: It's a big, big hint from Uncle Sam :)
Why does Hillary Clinton often wear turtle necks when attending Bill's
speaking engagements?
So you can't see her adam's apple move as he speaks.
"When Clinton said he was going to create 8 million new jobs, I
didn't think they were all going to be tax collectors." -- Jay Leno
The trouble with political jokes is that the dumbest one of them
got elected President...
When Bill's Congress passes a law, it's a joke... but when Hillary
tells a joke, it's the law.
[Re: Gennifer Flowers] It could be worse... Bill Clinton could be
caught in bed with a dead woman or a live man...
They say, ever since he met JFK as a kid, Bill Clinton wanted to be
President in the worst possible way... And he's succeeded beyond his
wildest dreams.
The trouble with Bill Clinton is that he approaches every issue
with an open mouth...
Election night...
Bill: ``Honey, we won!''
Hillary: ``Honestly?!''
Bill: ``Let's not bring that up...''
Reporter: ``Ms. Co-president, what are your views on capital punishment?''
Hillary: ``I like it when women are hung like men!''
Clinton is trying to tell us a no-frills medical care plan. Trouble
is, medical care is a frill.
Two birds flying over the White House...
``Say, are you for Clinton?''
``Why not? He's for us!''
Bill: ``Have you heard my last speech?''
Hillary: ``No, I didn't know it was the last one!''
Chelsea asks Hillary: ``What did you have at the state dinner?''
H:``Some beef, some asparagus, and 7,374 green peas.''
C: ``Don't bullshit me, Mom, when did you count the peas?''
H: ``While your father was giving the speech.''
Chelsea asks Bill: ``Daddy, what's a Lesbian?''
``Ask Hillary, he'll show you.''
1994... What's Clinton doing to make Americans happy?
If you've paid your tax bill and have enough money left to feed
your family --- YOU'RE HAPPY.
1996... Yeltsin asks Clinton: ``Bill, what's your hobby?''
C: ``I collect jokes about myself.''
Y: ``How many have you got already?''
C: ``Three concentration camps full!''
Well, great, bring the troops home and send over some politicians.
I understand Lee Iacocca has been consulted on the development of
Bill Clinton's new Presidential limousine: the Dodge Drafter.
]I am new to this e-mail thing, and I had a question. Is it a federal crime
to say "I AM GOING TO KILL THE PRESIDENT!" on Usenet?
Considering the incumbent president, I would have to say no.
Separate vacation plans? Hillary goes to Europe, Bill goes back to
Little Rock...
One advantage Clinton has over past presidents is that doesn't have
to worry about how much time he should spend on his re-election
campaign...
Is Whitewater used to wash the Yellow Streak off of Bill Clinton's
draft dodging back?
Oxymoron of the century:
Liberal Mastermind...
Whitewater Development
List of CLINTON's "first 100 days" Accomplishments:
+-------------------------------------------------+
| 1. |
+-------------------------------------------------+
Bill Clinton...a good reason not to root for anyone playing Arkansas.
All "the government will save you" politicians can seriously bite
me.
Jim McDougal
Would you buy a used governor from this man?
Bill Clinton is a president for our times, a truly composite
president. He has the hormones of John F. Kennedy, the scruples of
Richard Nixon and the memory of Ronald Reagan
]] I believe Paula Jones!
] I DO NOT.
But who can believe Bill?
I DONT TRUST PRESIDENT CLINTON
OR HER HUSBAND......
CANT WAIT TO SEE PRESIDENT CLINTONS FACE ON A MILK CARTON.
"Looks like it's amateur night in the White House again."
- John McCain, Arizona Senator in reference to
the Clinton administration's foreign policy.
"Impeach Clinton and her husband..."
- Rush "I'm laughing my way to the bank" Limbaugh
"I want to use Hillary's commodity investor..."
- Me
The Clinton Administration: Stupid is as Stupid does.
Headline: Arkansas Executes 3 (late July, 1994)
Comment: ...what was Chelsea guilty of?
Democrats seem to think they have a monopoly on protest.
OBHCJ (Obligatory Health Care Joke):
HMO commercial, and the doctor is saying "I practice with
an HMO, and that helps me give better care to my patients."
If I had an unlimited supply of patients to practice on,
I could probably get pretty good, too.
In political intercourse, only the taxpayers get screwed!
Heard this on the Arlene Violet radio show on WHJJ, Providence.
Regarding Clinton's bungled attempt to end the baseball strike:
This may be the first opening day in history when baseball throws
out the President!
Reminds me of the skit the Statler Brothers did on their TNN show earlier
this season...
Don: Who did you vote for last election?
Harold: I voted for Eisenhower
Don: Eisenhower wasn't running last year
Harold: Neither was Hillary, but she's running the country
Bill Clinton Virus - System makes lots of noise, but nothing happens.
They say "Socks" (the White House cat) is a neutered male. (That
makes TWO guys in the White House who don't have any balls!)
(This appeared in Argus Hamilton's column in The Daily Oklahoman, October 11.)
A new sex survey released showed that 80% of men remain faithful to
their wives.
President Clinton was upset -- just ONCE he's like a poll to go his way.
November 1, 1994
Hamas has just today claimed credit for an incredible act of
terrorism targetted against all U.S. Citizens.
They did not even try to kill Bill Clinton on his Mideast trip.
(Heard on KEX, a radio station here in Portland, Or.)
Bill Clinton's popularity has been declining. In fact Paula Jones
now claims she never met the guy.
ObJoke: What do Hillary Clinton and Marie Antoinette have in common?
-Nothing...yet...
[Post 1994 Election aftermath]
I hear that thousands of rafts overflowing with Democrats are
washing up on the shores of Cuba.
"He (Bill Clinton) is the Willy Loman of Generation X, a traveling
salesman who has the loyalty of a lizard with his tail broken off and
the midnight tastes of a man who'd double date with the Rev. Jimmy
Swaggart"
Hunter S. Thompson
Clinton said he fired Elders because she lectured him on how to
*handle* his sexuality ...
Tom Swiftie:
"I'm in complete control here," Bill Clinton said hilariously.
Book Deals The Democrats Are Working On
"The Eye Brows Have It" by Jim Wright. Discusses how people( Wright
and Breshneff) with bushy eye brows almost ruled the world.
"Cows , Kids , Doctors and Real Estate , How to Grow Rich and
Powerful in the Future " By Hillery Roddam. Forward by Vince Foster.
"Bill and Edwards Excellent After Hours Adventures" By Bill Clinton
and Ted Kennedy. From Senate Sleep overs to Water Sports , Bill and
Ted show you a side of Washington 's night life you've never seen
before.
"A Mouthful of Washington" by Barney Frank
"The Longest Day" by David Bonyard . Mr. Bonyard accounts his
battle plans for destroying the Republican Contract on it's opening
day.
"Gee Your Feet Stink" Henry B. Gonzalez talks about his pervious
job as a shoe salesman.
"Dead On Arrival" by George Mitchel. Talks about Bush's budgets
And you didn't think Al Gore was funny.
We all know about Whitewater and the alleged shredding of
documents. On Sunday (3/6) Al responded to an interviewer's question
about evidence:
"Bill and Hillary have provided the special prosecutor with every
shred of evidence they have."
^^^^^
|] President Bevis, Vice President Butthead
I thought that happened in November of 1992.
Overheard at a recent press conference, Mr. Clinton gave spot
analysis on the world's trouble areas: Beirut- "Not a bad ball player,
but Hank Aaron hit more homers. Red China- "It looks great with a
white table cloth."
The Clinton Health Plan is the:
Simplicity of the IRS.
Efficiency of the Post Office.
Bureaucracy of the Dept. of Agriculture
Results of rent control.
The definition of "Elixir":
1. A cure-all; a medicine
2. How Bill Clinton screens nurses for his health care reform.
How about:
Is the Pope catholic?
Does Windows have bugs?
Does Clinton lie?
There was a line in George's speech where he said I raised taxes 1
time and I lived to regret it. Bill Clinton did it 132 times and loved
every minute. (I thought he was going to add: And it's the same way
on adultery.)
Reagan speech 8/17/92, referring to Bill Clinton (with veiled
reference to Lloyd Bentson's comment to Dan Quayle during the 1988 VP
debate; also after joking about his (Reagan's) advanced age):
All right. Listen to me. This fellow they've nominated claims he's
the new Thomas Jefferson. Well, let me tell you something. I knew
Thomas Jefferson. He was a friend of mine. And, governor, you're no
Thomas Jefferson.
George Bush:
"When Bill Clinton blows his taxophone, America will be singing the
blues."
Clinton: "I will consult both sides of the issue on Free Trade."
Reporter: "Uh, That would be you Governor Clinton!"
Study of health care delivery systems around the world
reveals that
Socialized medicine gives you AIDS.
Commercial medicine charges for it.
[Background: AIDS-infected orphans in Ceaucescu's Romania,
an overdue-for-bankruptcy German vendor skimping on AIDS screening,
etc. etc. etc. Timor mortis conturbat me.]
When asked about his complete economic plan, Clinton said that
Socks ate it.
--- SECTION: Acronyms, nicknames, etc:
CLINTON = Chicken Lickin' Idiot Now Taking Over Nation
CLINTON = Crazy Liberal Intent On Needlessly Trashing Our Nation
CLINTON = Clearly Loose Internal Navigation Techniques Occupy Never-Neverland
Clinton == Compulsive Liar Is Nations Top Official Now
HILLARY: highly inexperienced left-liberal academic righteous yuppies!
GORE = Gennifer's Only Remaining Enterprise
GORE = Greatly Oriented to Radical Ecology
EARTH DAY = Ecological Alarmism Retold To Hysterical Dopes And Youngsters
GORE = Great One Regulating Everything
Spelling correction
Diane Feinstein = definite insane
Hillary nicknames:
Wicked witch of the west wing
Hilla the Hun
Clinton Nicknames:
McPresident
Dollar Bill
The Bill we'll be paying for years.
Commander-in-thief
Wilhelm Von TaxUndSpendenHeim
Bilhelm Von Bubbastein
Wilhelm Von KleinerStein (Lil' Rock Ark. in German!)
Hillary Rodham
One-term-Willy-Nilly
the Great Pretender
Bilhelm HotAirenHof
Willy the Weasel
Clinton/Gore: They have what it takes to take what you've got!
What does "BTU" stand for?
-Buy Thermal Underwear
-Big Time Unemployment
-Bill's Tax Utopia
Really really short modern bestsellers:
Attractive leaders of the Feminist Movement
Clinton Policies that actually save money
The Logic of the Politically Correct
History of the Countries where Socialism worked
Good Points of Clinton's Health Program
Nazi-Feminists that Makes Sense
The Differences Between the PC Movement and McCarthyism
"The Submissive Woman" by Hillary (Rodham) Clinton.
"Life During Wartime" by Bill Clinton.
Avoiding the Tax and Spend Government - by Slick Willy
"Why People are More Important than Animals" - Greenpeace
"Deep-Thinking Liberals"
"The Contribution of Political Correctness to Free Speech"
"Why Political Correctness is not Censorship"
"The Merits of Gun Control"
"Feminists Worth Marrying"
"How Mass Unemployment Helps the Economy" - by various socialists
"To Tell the Truth" - by President Bill Clinton
Unshakeable Principles I Live By - by Bill Clinton
Our Sex Life Since Gennifer Flowers - by Hillary Clinton
The Golden Voice of Roger Clinton
Roger Clinton: My Career Without My Brother Bill
--- SECTION: Longer Clinton Jokes
A man was walking along when he spotted a small boy busily
constructing something. He approached the boy and was shocked to see
him playing with cow manure! For lack of anything better to say, he
asked, "Little boy, what ARE you doing?"
The boy replied, "I am making George Bush, Mister."
Now thoroughly taken aback, the man asked, "Why are you making
George Bush?
Why not make, er, Bill Clinton?"
The boy answered, "Oh no Mister, I can't make Bill Clinton."
"But why not?" asked the man.
The boy replied "Well, Mister, there isn't enough bullshit here to
make Bill Clinton."
Governor Bill Clinton had billed himself as a common man's
president. In order to garner the votes of two states, he decided to
go baby-kissing and flesh-pressing along the border of Louisiana and
Arkansas. There, he encountered a strange fellow working at a gas
station, a common man if there ever was one.
"Sir, I'm Governor Bill Clinton, and I'm running for president,"
said Gov. Clinton, extending his hand out for a handshake.
"That's mighty fine! I'm a great admirer of yours, Governor. You've
done great things for the state of Arkansas," replied the man
enthusiastically.
The odd man, noticing the Governor's outstretched hand, shook his
head sadly and said, "I'm sorry Governor. As much as I'd like to shake
your hand, I can't do it right here. However, I will shake your hand
if you cross the highway with me."
Willing to do anything for a vote, Clinton agreed and crossed the
highway with the man. Upon reaching the other side, the odd man
vigorously shook the Governor's hand. Curious, Clinton asked of the
man, "Why is it that I may shake your hand only after crossing the
highway with you?"
The man replied, "Oh, that's simple, Governor. You see, that there
was Louisiana, and this here is Arkansas. Everyone knows that boob
touching is legal only in Arkansas."
Air Force One crashes, instantly killing President Clinton, Vice
President Gore, and their wives. Being the very important people that
they are, St. Peter greets them personally at the Pearly Gates and
informs them that they have been granted an audience with God. They
are lead by St Peter to a tremendous thrown room. The Supreme Being,
of course, is seated upon the thrown.
"And who might you be?" God asks of the Vice President.
"I am Albert Gore Jr, Vice President of the United States of America".
"Ah, yes. You have done much for the environment. Love your work.
Come sit on my left. And you there, who are you?"
"Your holiness, I am William Jefferson Clinton, President of the
United States."
"Right. You are a brave man who has confronted some difficult
issues. Come sit on my right. Now, who might you be?"
"My name is Hillary Rodham Clinton and YOU are sitting in MY seat."
Clinton was also asked to explain a remark he made to Russian
President Boris Yeltsin at their April 3-4 summit. He reportedly said,
"When the Japanese say yes to us, the often mean no."
During a picture-taking session in the Oval Office, Miyazawa
attempted to defuse the situation by jokingly pointing out that
"every language has its own peculiarity."
Smiling, Clinton told the news conference, "I don't know what I
meant anymore."
Gee, anyone think that sounds like something that our revered and
honored prez would say?
UPI - NEWS FLASH!
After agonizing for several days over the situation in former
Yugoslavia where ethnic Serbs, Bosnians, and Muslims are engaged in a
fierce civil war, President Clinton today announced that he is
strongly in favor of diversity.
In a NBC Evening News report on the homosexual march on Washington
this weekend, one lady (Dee Mosbacher?) commented on the President's
unwillingness to march with the homosexuals.
"I think," she said, "if a million saxophone players showed up
outside the White House, he'd go out there and blow a few notes."
Maybe the group was just expecting too much..
Clinton's riding a horse, and hears someone shout "Hey, look at the
prick on that horse!" When he gets home, he takes a look & sees he's
been riding a mare.
Hillary's right-hand man, who got her the nomination in 1992 & was
governor for a long time, was a dope-smoking man named Bill Clinton.
One night, a burglar broke into the White House & surprised Hillary in
bed. Brandishing a gun, he told Hillary to put her head under the
covers & not make a sound. Hillary scrunched down, but that made her
ass stick out the side. The burglar said "That goes for you too,
Bill!"
Captain Kirk and an away team down to Earth after going through a
time disturbance cloud, landing in Washington D.C. right in the middle
of Clinton's inaugural ball. They look around, and Kirk says;
"Beam us up, Scotty. There's no intelligent life down here."
A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and
was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the
Netherlands flag. "Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said. "We get
red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue
after we pay them."
"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see stars,
too."
Hillary came into the room with a big smile and a spring in her
step. "My you're in a good mood," said Bill. "Why are you so happy?"
"I just got back from my annual physical exam and the doctor said I
had the breasts of a 25 year old woman, " Hillary gushed.
"Did he say anything about your 46 year old ass?" Bill asked.
"No," said Hillary, "your name wasn't mentioned once."
During the campaign, Dan Quayle said that if his daughter got
pregnant, he'd let her decide whether or not to have an abortion.
Marilyn Quayle said that if her daughter got pregnant, she would
insist that she have the baby.
Bill Clinton said, "The woman's a liar. I was in Cleveland at the
time!"
Clinton is out jogging around in some of the seedier areas of
Washington D.C. He notices a good looking prostitute. She sees this
and calls out "Fifty dollars!" He's tempted, but the price is a
little high so he calls back "Five!" She'd disgusted and turns away
and Bill continues his jog.
A few days later, he finds himself jogging in the same area and as
luck would have it, the prostitute is still there. But she won't come
down on her price. "Fifty!" she shouts and Bill answers her "Five!"
No sale.
About a week later, Hillary has decided that she wants to get into
shape so she demands to go jogging with Bill. They get to the seedy
part of town and the same prostitute is still there. She eyes Bill
and Hillary together and yells "See what you get for five dollars!"
In an article on Northern Ireland, the political party Sinn Fein
was described as the political wing of the IRA. I guess that makes the
U.S. Democratic Party the political wing of the IRS.
President Clinton had heard of all the starving people in Somalia,
and wanted to get a look for himself. He ordered his aides to prepare
Air Force One. On the plane, the president looked down with his
binoculars, and said "My God! Look at them! Skinny, starving -- where
are our troops?" An aide chimed in: "Er, Mr. President... that's not
Somalia. It's Arkansas."
Hillary is being driven around Washington D.C. and spots a little
boy sitting in a park with a wagon. She thinks, 'this is a great
press opportunity' so she has her driver pull over. She gets out to
talk to the little boy and discovers that he has 6 little puppies in
the wagon. She comments on how nice they are and the little boy says
'thank you ma'm, they're Democrats!' Of course Hillary is extremely
pleased by this.
A few days later, Bill decides to take one of his jogs down to
McDonalds, which is close to the park, and Hillary mentions that if he
should see a little boy with a wagon he should stop and talk to him.
Well, Bill sees the little boy with his wagon and puppies so he tells
the little boy 'what nice puppies those are!' The boy says, 'Thank
you sir. They're Republicans!' 'Wait a minute,' says Bill, 'Hillary
told me that they're Democrats.' The boy responds, 'Yes sir, but now
their eyes are open!'
Didja hear that in response to Pres. Bill's habit of dropping in on
local McDonalds the McD's national management has announced a
commemorative double cheeseburger, the McClinton? Of course, when you
get it, the price has doubled, and it's got half the meat.
It is said that Bill Clinton is considering changing the Democratic
Party emblem from a donkey to a condom, because it stands for
inflation, protects a bunch of pricks, halts production, and gives a
false sense of security while being screwed.
If Bill Clinton wins the election this November, they're going to
have an air-conditioned sauna installed in the White House -- so he
can have it both ways.
So it's about Bill Clinton's new revelations about his sex
life. Seems today he finally admitted that he had sex with Gennifer
Flowers a couple of times... ...but he didn't come.
They said in the debates that Governor Clinton's home state of
Arkansas has the lowest teen pregnancy rate in the nation... I'd like
to thank the governor for wearing a condom."
It's interesting that Bill Clinton chose a a running mate who DID
inhale. Perhaps had the country paid more attention to Gennifer
Flowers, Clinton would have picked Gary Hart instead.
From a Mike Royko column:
Gov. Clinton, after that blond bimbo got up on TV and said you had
been her lover boy for years, you and your wife went on TV and your
wife was affectionate, supportive and calm. Would you care to share
with millions of American men how the heck you managed to talk your
way out of that pickle?
Aides for presidential candidate Bill Clinton hotly denied new
allegations of misconduct. Officials of the company marketing the
popular "Where's Waldo" puzzles noted a striking resemblance while
examining the bare-breasted woman depicted frolicking in the water
with an as-yet-unidentified man. Clinton denies that he has ever met
the woman, and says he was with Waldo the whole time.
I heard Bill Clinton was Grand Marshal of a stock car race during
the Labor Day weekend. A politician strikes me as an excellent choice
to preside over an event where people drive in circles at high speed.
Ya know, I kinda hope that Clinton does get elected... It will be
the first time in a long while that I'll have been able to *really*
enjoy political humor...
Bill Clinton has been advised by doctors to save his voice and not
speak a single word for the next couple days. Guess this means he'll
have to contradict himself in mime...
President-Elect Clinton promises to make the administration more
representative of the population. Well, I think he should consider
making Millie the Dog Secretary of State. After all, President Bush
recommends her highly "knows more about international relations than
those two bozos combined.." and after all, how many dogs have been
appointed Secretary of anything?
And finally, the way things are going to be under Clinton, we won't
have any stature as a superpower any more, so we might as well have a
Secretary of State that barks if someone breaks in.
I thought you'd all like to hear about the potential candidates
meeting with the Wizard of Oz. First, President Bush went to see the
Wizard and said, "Everyone says I have no compassion or feelings, I
wish to have a Heart". So the Wiz said,"So be it".
Second was Dan Quayle. He said to the Wiz, "People think I'm
unintelligent and have no common sense what so ever...I wish to have a
Brain". The Wiz said, "So be it".
Third was Ross Perot. "People say I have no confidence and I lack
conviction... ..I wish to have some Courage".
And then Bill Clinton approached the Wizard. The Wizard looked at
him, and said, "Well, what do you want?" To which Clinton replied,
"I'm here for Dorothy!"
Those who say the Gang of Four in China are dead have been proven
wrong by the presence of Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Tom Foley,
Richard Gephardt, and George Mitchell together in Little Rock last
night. Let's hope there is no conservative student rally in Lafayette
Park or they will send in the only tank of the U.S. Army on them.
This is a true fact. Shortly before Bill Clinton took the
inaugural oath of office, the band struck up the theme song from Monty
Python.
If this was actually programmed by Clinton's staff, it may forebode
an interesting four years. Alternate theory: some undergraduates from
Caltech swapped the band's sheet music.
The May Day parade in Moscow is the largest, most important
military parade of the year. For 1992's parade, Yeltsin and Gorbachev
invited Bill Clinton to come watch it with them. The parade commenced
with a battalion of tanks, followed by a division of infantry,
followed by armored personnel carriers and mobile artillery. They had
mobile ballistic missile launchers, electronic jamming vehicles, and
throughout the entire time the formations were overflown by squadrons
of the most advanced interceptors, fighters, and long-range tactical
and strategic bombers.
Clinton, who had never been this close to war in his life, was
suitably impressed. Then he noticed that, way back at the end of the
parade, there was a disorganized, messy bunch of men in rumpled suits
tagging along behind the last artillery pieces. "Who are they?" he
asked.
"Ah," said Yeltsin, "those are our economists!"
"But I thought this parade was military..." said Clinton, confused.
"Mr. Clinton," said Gorbachev, "have you SEEN the damage those men
can do?"
I just heard that Bill Clinton visited the White House a couple of
days ago and got quite a surprise. I guess he was jogging one morning
and saw that someone had written "Clinton Sucks!" in the snow (you
know, yellow snow?). Anyway, Clinton was furious and ordered an
investigation. And so after the investigation was completed Clinton
demanded the results. The head of the Secret Service said "Well Sir,
we have a problem. We did tests on the urine and determined that it
belonged to Jesse Jackson, but that's not the problem. The problem is
that it is Hillary's handwriting!"
LITTLE ROCK --- Right before Christmas, President-elect Bill Clinton
lost his voice, probably because of allergies to all the Christmas
greenery at the Arkansas governor's mansion. The President-elect puts
up with the allergies to get in the holiday spirit -- he "hangs pine
garlands and mistletoe," but he was surprised they bothered him
because he doesn't inhale. An aide said the allergies are "nothing to
worry about," they just make the president-elect stuffed up and
irritable. The future President was quoted as saying something like
"I doad doe whad de fug yur talkin' aboud. I feel fide. I could
negoadiate a tready. Bud off. Get owda here." Given how often he
loses his voice, his aides say the President-elect is learning "an
internationally understandable set of gestures," in case he has to
negotiate when he is totally voiceless and cranky.
In a related story, Clinton aides refused to explain why there
is mistletoe hung over such odd locations as the secretarial pool,
near the women's restroom, and on Gennifer Flower's automobile
dashboard.
Well, we're now a week into the Clinton administration, and the
problems of the nation have been solved. Taxes on the middle class
have been cut. President Clinton has taken a stance against waste and
ordered a 10% across-the-board cut in government spending, and a
national health care plan has been put together to provide basic
medical services at a reasonable cost, one which will be competitive
with commercial insurers.
Ha ha, only kidding....
Actually, Mr. Slick has barely figured out how to operate the desk
phone in the oval office, and the feces are striking the ventilation
equipment with a rhythm that might make for a good rap tune. The
leaders of the Senate - folks like Dan Moynihan and Sam Nunn (both
democrats, BTW) are looking downright embarrassed at the simultaneous
display of supreme arrogance and ignorance that seems to characterize
the Clinton administration. Republican house members are being
uncharacteristically quiet - perhaps just letting Mr. Slick select his
rope?
(Another possibility is that we will see a congress and senate that
will realize that they basically have a loose cannon in the White
House, and do their best to minimize the damage. And the thought of
Congress being more responsible than the president is
Scary. Stock-up-on-ammunition- and-canned-goods type of Scary.)
Taxes: Better get out the Vaseline, folks: That 4% tax increase
that was only going to apply to people making over $200k looks like it
might actually be 8%, and the folks making less than half that $200k
figure are getting ready for a "regrettable necessity" announcement
expected in the next couple of months. The latest estimate is that, if
he wants to provide any cut, even to the absolute lowest brackets,
he's going to have to start boosting taxes at a family income of about
$50k. Oh, and everybody better get used to paying more for gas: Al
Gore (who has done something remarkable by making Dan Quayle look like
a model of sophistication and intellect) has discovered oxygenated
gas. Even though it's been proved irrefutably that this has no
measurable benefit (and, in fact, several drawbacks - one of them
being a significantly higher cost). Oh, and you're going to be getting
slapped with an Energy Tax, but poor folks might be entitled to a
rebate from an agency whose existence will be paid for with the gas
tax, and whose sole purpose will be to administer the collection and
disbursement of energy taxes. Latest news is that, even with the
worst-case tax increases, Clinton's health plan will end up gobbling
up more money than his spending cuts and tax increases will raise, and
boost the deficit just a teensy, weensy bit. Say a couple hundred
billion or so. And that's from the democratic spin doctors, who are
making a valiant effort at damage control, so you can be pretty sure
that the Actual Mileage Will Probably Be Lower.
I can sense a feeling in America, something like that of a drunk
waking up on Saturday morning, going "oh God, what did I do?" Well,
folks, a couple of Tylenol ain't even going to touch the headache that
Slick "Night Train" Clinton is going to give you! When Clinton was
elected, I hoped that I'd be able to get a few laughs at his spastic
attempts to manage the country - but what I'm presented with, reading
the paper every day, is an embarrassment of riches. The man makes
George Bush look like a distinguished elder statesman.
There's also Chelsea's "rash" comment: She needed medication at
Sidwell Friends, and the nurse couldn't give her any medication
without having contacted the parents. Chelsea said something like, "Oh
that's okay. My mom's been pretty busy lately. Better call my dad."
I've heard there's a new programming language out from University
of Tennessee. It's called Algor.
There are some problems with it though. The syntax is very formal
and inflexible. And it's not a very powerful language either, since
it won't allow you to alter the operating environment.
Personally, I don't think it'll be even around in four years.
Everyone complained when Quayle misspelled potato. How come no
one's been screaming about Clinton's gaffe? He clearly spelled BUTT
incorrectly when he said, "I'm gonna tax your BTU's..."
Health care costs rise uncontrollably. In England, they have begun
rationing health care services and in some cases they have waiting
lists for certain services. In fact, they now have a nine month
waiting list for abortions.
Hillary Clinton is NOT running the country. Eleanor Roosevelt is
:-) (If case you don't know, Hillary has admitted to having private,
imaginary conversations with Eleanor Roosevelt)
"Today that President Clinton commenced the first round of White
House staff cuts. It is also reportedly the first time Mr. Clinton has
given a woman a pink slip that he hasn't asked her to try on first..."
Bill and Hillary were going down a back road and stopped at a Gas
station. As the guy was filling up their car (he was dressed like a
typical grease-jockey) he said to Hillary "I went to High School with
you". She recognized him and agreed with him.
Later as they were driving down the road Bill said "If you had
married him you wouldn't be married to the President".
Hillary said "O yes I would - He would be President."
Dateline: Washington, DC February 26, 1993
When questioned by reporters shortly after the World Trade Center
terrorist bomb exploded, the President responded, "If Congress will
just pass the Brady Bill, I'll sign it." Mr. Clinton further said,
"If the passage of this much needed legislation had not been
obstructed by the National Rifle Association, this senseless tragedy
would not have occurred, because there would have been a mandatory
seven day waiting period in place before this assault-type car bomb
could have been used." In closing, Mr. Clinton said, "I urge Congress
to break the gridlock and act today to prevent further atrocities of
this kind from occurring."
The Secret Service has been worried by Bill Clinton's practice of
taking early morning jogs. They got a real scare the other day when
somebody threw a beer at the president. Fortunately, it turned out to
have been a draft, and Clinton was able to dodge it.
"I celebrated Presidents' Day in an authentic manner. I jogged to
McDonald's, had a couple Big Macs, broke some promises from a couple
months ago, and then took some money from some average middle-class
citizens."
A condom manufacturer, trying to capitalize on the popularity (?)
of President Bill Clinton, is introducing a new line of condoms called
the "Slick Willie."
Bill Clinton will launch health consciousness campaign and promote
jogging and reportedly he asked Hillary would she run. "No", she
said,"not now, not until '96."
Bill and Hillary were sitting in the bleachers, waiting for a
baseball game to start. A row of secret service agents sat behind
them and one leaned forward to whisper into Bill's ear. Bill turned
around, shrugged at the agent, then lifted Hillary by the scruff of
the neck and the seat of the pants and tossed her out onto the field.
She bounced a couple of times and started screaming her head off.
Bill was surprised and turned to the secret service guy for help. The
agent just shook his head and said "No, no Mr. President. I said
'throw out the first *pitch*'!"
$100 bill sitting on the floor in the middle of a room, there are
three people in the room: a Clinton Administration official who tells
the truth, a Clinton Administration official who always lies, and the
Tooth Fairy. Lights go out, then come back on again; the $100 bill is
gone. Who took it? The Clinton Administration official who always
lies, coz the other two don't exist!!!
After World War II, many of the Western Europeans started playing
around with socialism. That was really stupid. The French, for
example, are just beginning to come to their senses.
Norway... Sweden... Denmark... SHEE-YAW... well that goes without
saying...
Now we have the newly elected Clinton Regime... Walking into a
wall is not intelligent... But walking into a wall when you saw the
guy in front of you do it... That is just plain idiotic!
GRIDLOCK (n), term denoting Congressional resistance to the
President's agenda. This term may be used ONLY when Clinton's agenda
is opposed by Congressional Republicans (i.e., Bob Dole, R-KS). Not
to be confused with "meaningful debate" or "healthy disagreement", an
identical situation that exists when the President's agenda is stymied
by Congressional Democrats (i.e., Dave Boren, D-OK).
After an intensive study of the president's personal life, it has
been determined that he is not a heterosexual, a bisexual, or even a
homosexual.
He is suffering from the rare infliction of egosexual since he is
constantly screwing himself.
As you know, there were many candidates for National Bird. Franklin
favored the wild turkey which is a tough resourceful bird, totally
unlike the butterball thing you buy at Thanksgiving. Others favored
the American Bald Eagle because it looked fierce and noble.
Bill Clinton's choice for National Bird, is the Yellow Bellied Sap
Sucker. Co-President Rodhams choice is either the Shrike (the female
of which, castrates its mate after coupling, [Watch your balls,
Bill!]) or the Harpie which is a kind of vulture. Harpies were the
birds that tore out Prometheus' liver because he had the temerity to
bring down fire from the Home of the Gods.
Labor Secretary Reich's choice is the miniature budgie, a
diminutive bird that talks much and says little. Ms. Reno's choice is
no doubt the Jail Bird.
The Liberal Media have only been telling part of the haircut story,
my conservative friends.
It seems that while Bill was getting his haircut, he also got a
manicure. Actually, being a country boy and all, Bill did know for
sure what a manicure was a first, but the manicurist was a beautiful
woman wearing a very revealing low-cut blouse. So he sat quietly and
enjoyed the view.
Just as the haircut was done, the manicurist was finishing up, and
looked up and asked Bill: "Do you want your cuticles push back?"
"Aww no, that's OK", replied Bill, "it'll be all right when I stand
up."
[On the claim that "lying" should be grounds to nullify an election:]
"If that's the standard, President Clinton could get the
death penalty at this point." -- Jay Leno
Rumor has it that President Clinton is considering starting a new
career as a book wholesaler. He is said to be especially interested in
the former best-seller, "The Peter Principle". Even his harshest
critics think that Mr. Bill may be on to something this time.
Al Gore's daughters were overheard at Take-your-Daughter-to-Work-Day
complaining that they were bored and demanded to go back to school
Clinton on his hundredth day in office said he's done a lot but
still has a lot farther to go. That's right, he hasn't broken all his
campaign promises yet"
President Clinton's latest trial balloon is that he wants to create
a new trust fund. The plan is that all money raised by new taxes would
go into this fund and that all the money in this fund would go toward
paying off the national debt. One of Clinton's advisors has reportedly
been fired for suggesting that this new fund be named "Social Security
#2".
Looks, though, Mr. Clinton's threat to scatter US Post Offices and
postal workers around in Serbia and Bosnia has brought a truce to the
area.
Bill Clinton goes to a hair stylist.
"Good morning Mr. President, what are you going to do about Bosnia?"
"I'm here to have my hair cut, what the f--- do you care about Bosnia?"
"I don't care a f--- about Bosnia, dahling, but it's easier to cut
your hair when it stands on end."
Bill asks a page girl out. Her response: "Mr. President, if you
can raise my skirt as high as you're hiked our taxes, if you can get
your dick as hard as you've made our lives hard, if you can screw me
like you've screwed the American people, then I'll go out with you!"
A Washington woman calls 911: "There's a Republican standing
outside my window, masturbating!"
"Lady, how do you know he's a Republican?"
"If he was a Democrat, he'd be screwing somebody!"
Clinton has designed a new energy efficient car with no seat and no
steering wheel, for those of us who have lost our asses and have
nowhere to turn.
The Post Office briefly considered issuing stamps with Bill and
Hillary's faces on them... But test marketing showed that the
customers would spit on the wrong side of the stamps.
Clinton is shaking hands with voters.
"Pleased to meet you," says one old man, "I've heard a lot about
you."
Clinton laughs: "But you can't prove any of it!"
Bill Clinton's is addressing a gathering.
"We've got to tighten our belts..."
The audience is clapping.
"We've got to make sacrifices..."
The audience goes wild.
"Things will get much worse before they get better..."
Audience: "Thank you, Mr. President!" "That's good for the
business!" Bill is flabbergasted. "I'm trying to tax all the
business out of business, what the hell are you telling me that I'm
doing something that's good for your business? Where am I at,
anyway?"
Aide: "At the undertakers' convention!"
Preelection voter registration drive in Arkansas. Two Democrat
activists are walking through the local cemetery, copying the names
off the tombstones. They come across an old tombstone so covered with
dirt and moss that they can't make out the name. "Let's skip this
one," says one. "Naw, this man's got as much right to vote for Bill
Clinton as anyone else lying in this cemetery."
Ballot counting an Arkansas... Among the thousands of Clinton
ballots, they see a single Bush ballot. "Put it aside," says the
chief counter. A few hours later they see another Bush ballot. The
chief smiles: "Just as I thought, the Republican bastard has voted
twice! Annul both his votes."
Bill Clinton, George Bush, and Ronald Reagan are in a boat in the
Potomac, when suddenly the boat develops a leak. They have only one
life preserver jacket. Bill says: "Let's do the Democratic
thing... Take a vote to see who gets the life preserver." They each
write a name on a piece of paper and stuff it in a coffee can. Bush
and Reagan get one vote each; Clinton gets six.
Bill Clinton, Hillary Ramrod Clinton, Al Gore, and Tipper Gore are
flying aboard Air Force 1. Bill: "Why don't I throw this hundred
dollar bill out the window and make someone happy." Hillary: "Why
don't you throw ten hundred dollar bills out the window and make ten
people happy." Al: "Why don't you two jump out the window and make me
and Tipper happy." Tipper: "Why don't we all jump out the window and
make everybody else happy."
A man goes in a bar in Montana. He is watching TV over the bar and
Bill Clinton comes on. He says out loud to no one in particular, "If
that guy isn't the biggest horses ass I have ever seen, I don't know
who is". A big cowboy comes down the bar and knocks him off his
stool. He got back up and started watching TV again. This time
Hillary comes on. He says again out loud, "I thought Bill was bad the
Hillary is definately the Biggest Horses Ass in the world!" Another
cowboy comes from the other end and knockes him off his stool. The
guy is perplexed. He gets back on his stool and says to the
bartended. "Excuse me, I thought I was in a pretty conservative
state. Where am I? Clinton country?" "No" the bartender said.
"Sir, you're in horse country!".
An aide brings Clinton the results of the latest public opinion
poll. "The American public thinks..." Clinton interrupts: "When I
want to know what the American public thinks, I'll ask myself!"
Heckler: "Who pulls your strings, Bill? What special interests
control you?"
Clinton (visibly upset): "You leave Hillary out of this!"
Clinton is giving a speech. A member of the audience wakes up
momentarily to ask: "Hasn't he finished yet?"
A neighbor replies: "He's finished an hour ago, but he hasn't stopped."
"What's he talking about, anyway?"
"Dunno, he didn't get there yet."
Clinton gives a 3-hour speech. After the speech he kicks an aide on
the shin: "This was supposed to be a 1-hour speech!"
"Mr. President, you've read the original and 2 Xerox copies!"
Yeltsin visits Washington, DC. Clinton is giving a speech:
"Dear President Mitterand! Hillary and I are delighted..."
An aide tugs his sleeve: "This is President Yeltsin!"
"I can see that, but the teleprompter says `Mitterand'!".
Little Chelsea walks into the bathroom while Bill Clinton is taking
a shower. She points to his penis and asks: "Daddy, what's that
for?" Bill grins: "Wait till your mother goes out to a cabinet
meeting, and you'll find out."
Chelsea comes comes to Hillary and announces that she has lost her
virginity. "You were a little to old for this," says Hillary, "but
did you at least enjoy it?"
"The first five congressmen were fun, but then my pussy got real
tired."
Chelsea is entertaining a boyfriend in her White House quarters. At
some point she unzips his fly, bends down, and starts sucking his
cock. When he comes, she timidly asks: "Did you like it?" "I liked
it an awful lot, but I'd never guess that you too are gay!"
Nation-building kit, size small, slightly used. Has new water pump
and security option. Unfortunately my wife wants me to get rid of it
since we have other things to spend the money on. Best offer.
Contact bill@whitehouse.gov.
During Desert Shield, President Bush made a holiday visit to the
mideast to visit the troops.
Wonder if Commander-in-Chief Clinton plans on making a trip to
Somalia this Thanksgiving? They could have all the press out on the
beach when he wades ashore, wonderful photo opportunity. Then they
could get pictures of him leading a protest against the imperialist
yankee military and burning an American flag. Of course, all that
would make him hungry. Do they have a McDonalds there, I wonder..?
Secretary of State Warren Cristopher, on Meet the Press Sunday
morning, was asked if the Clinton administration ruled out sending
more troops into combat to arrest Somalia warlords. He replied,
"we're not ruling anything out, but the focus is on a political
solution."
Bill Clinton walks into a marital aids store and says to the
proprietor: "I want Hillary to fuck me in the ass with a dlido! I want
the biggest dildo you've got!"
"Yes, Mr. President, here's a 10-inch white dildo for $60."
"It's not big enough!"
"Here's a deluxe 13" 15-speed black dildo for $80."
"It's not big enough! How much is this 18" plaid dildo in your desk?"
"$120, Mr. President."
"I'll take it!"
As soon as Bill walks out the door, the proprietor starts calling
his friends: "Guess what! Bill Clinton just came in and bought my
thermos!"
Clinton is merely doing for gays in the military what Hilary has
done for Bozos in the White House: as long as she doesn't *tell*
anyone she's the President, she can continue to *be* the President.
What with scientists wanting to exhume Abraham Lincoln's remains
and analyze his DNA to determine whether he had Marfan's Syndrome, why
not dig up and clone a whole set of presidents? Then Disneyland could
have a real Abe Lincoln instead of a crummy robot...
As the National Park Service has discovered, presidents are a great
tourist attraction. Presidential Park could be established somewhere
in the vicinity of Mt. Rushmore...
Of course, unpredictable things might happen if they couldn't get a
complete DNA sequence for Eleanor Roosevelt and had to fill the gaps
with donations from Hillary Clinton...!
Well, after the PLO's and Israel shook hands and said that
everything was "hunky-dory", Clinton invited the Israeli Prime
Minister back to the oval office. The Prime Minister looked at
Clinton's desk and noticed that he had three phones: a black one, a
red one, and a white one. The Prime Minister asked, "What is the red
phone for?" Clinton said, "It's a direct line to Russia. Got to keep
up with Yeltsin." Then the Prime Minister asked, "What's the white
one for, then?" Clinton said, "That's a direct line to God. Did you
know that it's a $5,000,000 a minute phone call to him?" The Prime
Minister just nodded and went on with the tour.
Weeks later, Clinton took a secret trip to Israel and toured the
Prime Minister's office. He noticed that the Prime Minister had three
phones just like his. He asked, "What's the red phone for?" The
Prime minister replied, "It's a direct line to Russia." Clinton
nodded and then asked, "What's the white one for?" The Prime Minister
replied, "It's a direct line to God." Clinton said, "How can a poor
country like yours afford that expensive phone call?" The Prime
Minister said, "Oh, well, here it's local."
(True)
The Internet Multicasting Service was scheduled to demonstrate
Internet mail etc. on the White House lawn yesterday (October 21,
1993) but at the last minute was told there would be no electrical
power available. Making the best of it, Carl Malamud said:
"We're pleased to announce that the White House demonstration we
were planning, though slightly changed in execution from our original
goals, made a form of technical history. Though our project proposal
was approved for Internet connectivity, some slight logistical
misunderstandings resulted in a decision by White House staff that no
power would be available to any of the vendors, making operation of
our computers a real challenge.
We went ahead and made sure that our configuration would work both
with and without power in our facilities and at other remote sites.
The system worked beautifully but, due to the no-power requirement,
during our actual installation we reverted to Plan B and installed the
world's first Powerless LAN (pLAN).
We're pleased to report that this pLAN worked and implementation
was flawless. The boxes sat on the table and were able to do
everything you would expect out of a computer with the power switched
off. At this level of functionality, we successfully demonstrated
interoperability between machines from Sun Microsystems, Persoft,
Intel, Hewlett Packard, and many other leading firms in the computer
and communications industries."
Boy walks up to girl and says "I'm so bright my father calls me
SUN!" Humoriously impaired girl (blonde?) thinks this is Hillaryious
(Rodham Clintinous) so the next person she sees she says " I'm so
bright my mother calls me DAUGHTER"
(Overheard in the Computer Science Undergraduate Association office)
Everyone on the net by now knows that mail to the President can be
sent to president@whitehouse.gov, and that mail to the Vice President
should be addressed to vice-president@whitehouse.gov. However, most
people don't realize that mail to Hillary Clinton should be adressed
to root@whitehouse.gov.
On Tuesday, October 12, President Bill Clinton gave the keynote
address at a celebration of University of North Carolina's 200th
anniversary. Friendly Pawn in nearby Durham, NC displayed the
following sign:
Welcome Pres. Clinton
Ammo 50% off
There was a game show on T.V every week, in which a Special guest
had 10 questions to discover what the mystery item was.
So one week the host introduces the special guest and it's none
other than Hillary Clinton. The audience are delighted as the host
sits Hillary down on a chair and blindfolds her. Then just before he
pulls back the curtain on this weeks mystery item, he take a look at
what it is, 'cos he didn't even know himself. He nearly dies of
embarrasement when he sees it's a 'horses cock'. Thinking quickly he
decides to go ahead since it's a live show. So he draw back the
curtain and the audience cracks up laughing.
So the host say to Hillary, "Can we have your first question".
Hillary replies " Could you eat it? "
And the host mumbles a bit and says " Eh well, I eh suppose you
could" The host then says " And what's your next question Hillary?"
Hillary replies " It wouldn't happen to be a horses cock would it???"
This guy goes to a jewelry store looking to buy a watch. He looks
at a watch called "the George Bush Watch" and asks the sales clerk why
there are no hands. The sales clerk says - "you are suppose to read
his lips". He then looks at a watch called the "Ross Perot Watch" and
notices that it isn't running - the sales clerk tells him "it runs, it
doesn't run, it runs, it doesn't run................." He then
notices a watch called the "Bill Clinton Watch" and sees that it runs,
has hands and looks like a pretty good watch. He asks the sales clerk
how much. The sales clerk replies "$19.95 plus tax, plus tax, plus
tax, plus tax, plus tax........................."
The White Houses recent embarassment regarding cabinet nominations,
specifically dealing with Zoe Baird, Kimba Wood, and most recently,
Bobby Ray Inman, all of whom failed to pay delinquint Social Security
taxes until nominated, has given President Clinton an idea for filling
the nations coffers.
Starting next week the IRS will begin nominating everybody who owes
back taxes to U.S. cabinet posts. If it works then they may even
fight organized crime by offering Senate seats to mafia bosses.
The Clinton administration announced today that if North Korea will
voluntarily turn in its nuclear bombs, we will send them a certificate
for $100 worth of toys or sneakers.
Rush Limbaugh and Hillary Clinton are alone on an elevator.
Hillary grabs the STOP button and pulls it out, stranding the pair
between floors. She strips off her clothes, throws them to the floor
and says "Rush, make me feel like a _woman_!"
Rush strips off HIS clothes, throws them to the floor, and says
"Fold those."
The Clintons and the Gores were very stressed out and decided to
rest at Camp David. That night they were all sitting around the fire,
Hillary then suggested that night they should partner switch. The
others were very reluctant, but Hillary talked them into it.
The next morning Hillary was at the table, reading the newspaper,
when Bill came down. Bill got a glass of juice out of the frig and
asked Hill how was the night? She said it was the best night she had
ever had and that she had 20 orgasms. Bill's face fell. Hillary,
after going into detail with Bill finally asked, "Oh, how was your
night with Al?"
What was Clinton's biggest mistake about the Whitewater scandal?
He should have hired Oliver North as his aid de camp for shredding
documents.
Did you hear what Janet Reno said to Lorena Bobbitt?
"You gonna burn that?"
Did you hear what Janet Reno said to Lorena Bobbitt?
"Attagirl!"
Did you hear what Jocelyn Elders said to Lorena Bobbitt?
"Be sure you put a condom on that."
Did you hear what Vince Foster said to Lorena Bobbitt??
"HELLLLLLP! Get me outta here!!"
Did you hear what Eleanor Roosevelt said to Lorena Bobbitt?
"As I was telling Hillary the other day, ..."
Did you hear what Bill Clinton said to Lorena Bobbit?
"Next time you're up in DC..."
Did you hear what John Bobbitt said to Lorena Bobbitt?
"NOOOOOOO! OWWWWWWWW!!! OHHH,SHITT!! NOOOOO!
YOU CRAZY BITCH!!! I DON'T BELIEVE YOU DID THAT!"
Hillary Clinton is in fact a stage name. Hillary is an adaptation
of "Hillarious", which was Ms. Clinton's stage name when she was in
Vauderville, KY, doing late night comedy stick. Likewise Billary is a
stagename. Ms. Clinton's real (maiden) name was Jilliary Rodham.
All this can be found in Sedra & Fairchilds' _Presidential Trivia_
(ISDN: 284-9813-094, Harcourt, Brace, Jahovawitness).
S N O O Z E W E E K
-WASHINGTON, D.C. -- White House security officials were shocked this
morning to discover that many of the famed cherry trees that abound in
our nation's capital had been felled by a mysterious axeman. The
mystery lumberjack was identified when Secret Service agents found
President Bill Clinton, budget axe in hand, hard at work; he reported
that "I cannot tell a lie, Bush and Reagan did it."
"Webster Hubbell, you've just been accused of overbilling customers
while you worked at the Rose Law Firm in Little Rock, and now you're
quitting, in disgrace, your job as Assistant Attorney General. What
are you going to do now?"
"I'm going to the G7 Jobs Conference in Deeetroit City.."
] GO (A Chinese and Japanese board game) is a lousy game. It is boring
]and exhausting. All pieces (stones) are identical, showing oriental
]culture does not tolerate individuality. The result is either win or
]lose and there is no draw, indicating oriental culture does not
]advocate compromise. No physical representation is assigned to any
]piece, implying oriental people have no personality.
] Yeh, there is a Chinese chess. But that was brought from India and
]Chinese made some changes into it. A pawn can not be promoted and
]Queen is missing from action. Chinese do not respect small-time nobody
]and discriminate against women. They count cannon in as a chessman
]because they love more violence. They replace bishop with prime
]minister because they believe in power than free thinking. Finally
]they create two guards for their general or marshall since they are
]more scared and they are real "paper tigers".
] (There is no King in Chinese chess, the purpose of the game is to
]catch the general or the marshall)
Chess, an Occidental bored;-) game is a lousy game. It's too simple
and doesn't need to much brain. Different pieces are given different
power and ability, showing the Anglo passion for class. Unlike the Go,
as the game progresses, pieces are killed and less pieces are left
than the opening of the game, implying the Occidental culture's
preference for destruction. Whereas in Go, more pieces exist than the
opening, and all pieces eventually coexist in an integrated way,
showing that Oriental culture prefers peace and harmony. Besides, the
black square bishop can not move into white squares indicating the
Occidentals have always been promoting aparthied. However, there is
something good about Chess, the king has to depend on his wife for
strength, a justification for the Americans' choice of Bill Clinton as
their president.
Okay, so Clinton's walking this dog around the White House lawn,
right? He walks it past the guard's post, and the marine says
"Mr. President, is that a new dog?"
Clinton smiles, and replies, "Why yes, I got it for my wife."
The marine specs the dog, looks up with a smile and says, "Good
trade."
A liberal will let a few people cheat the system to make sure that
nobody goes hungry. A conservative will let a few people go hungry to
make sure nobody cheats the system.
After hearing how Hillary made $99,000.00 profit trading livestock
futures (on a $1,000 investment), I'm surprised no liberals have
figured out how to take advantage of this.
Just give Hillary the whole GNP and let her invest it in livestock
futures. Then use the profits to pay for the Clinton health care
plan.
The Clintons are certainly running a rock and roll presidency! It
ain't workin', Hilary wants our money for nothin' and Bill wants his
chicks for free!
You all know that many men name their penii because they don't want
perfect strangers making 90% of their decisions.
Ted Kennedy has a name for his: "Quick Dick", for obvious reasons.
Because he uses it so much, its often tender, so he had a leather
sleeve, or chaps made for it when he's not using it.
He calls it his Chap-a-Quick-Dick.
The other day Hillary asked Bill to get a vasectomy. So he went to
his doctor and said "Doc, I'd like a vasectomy". His doc looked at him
and turned in suprise saying "You don't need me. You can do it
yourself. All you have to do is roll up a newspaper, put a little
firecracker, put it next to your ear in it and count to 10"
Bill looked at him wryly and said "I think I want a 2nd opinion.
The next day he goes to another doctor and says "Doc, I'd like a
vasectomy". His doc looked at him and turned in suprise saying "You
don't need me. You can do it yourself. All you have to do is roll up
a newspaper, put a little firecracker in it, put it next to your ear
and count to 10".
Bill tells him "I think I'm gonna go home and sleep on this one.
He wakes up the next morning and thinks he'll give it a try. After
all, 2 doctors said it would work.
He rolls up the newspaper, puts in the litle firecracker, puts it
next to his ear and starts to count with his fingers, 1,2,3,4,5, looks
frantically around for more finger, puts the rolled up newspaper
between his legs, 6,7,8,9...
President Nixon left instructions that if he was seriously ill, he
did not want his breathing assisted by an artificial respirator. This
shows that, to the end, Mr. Nixon was capable of making firm,
reasonable decisions. President Clinton has also left instructions on
what should be done if he is critically ill. He wants to be placed on
a respirator, but he does not want to inhale.
Somebody please help the Democrats find their brain; it appears
they've lost it. Or perhaps the socialists stole it, needing one for
themselves?
Mrs. Clinton consulted her personal physican concerning a itching
in the groin region. After examining her, he was too embarassed to
tell her that she suffered from pubic lice. When pressed for a
diagnosis, he said, "I regret to inform you that you have 'a bug in
the oval oriface'"
Have you heard they're gonna rename the President's helicopter to
"Golf Course One?"
Initially, the aides said it wasn't a personal golf game, they
claimed to be scouting out the golf course for the President. One
theory has it that this was _really_ what they were doing, scouting
out a golf course for Bill, but our President didn't have the spine to
defend them, so he sacked the aide instead.
My guess is they were scouting out babes for the President. Ah
mean, it's got to be awfully lonely locked into the White House with
Hillary all these months. And no Arkansas State Troopers to help you
out, if you know what Ah mean.
Can't you just imagine this Marine helicopter hovering over a
swimming pool in suburban Maryland, when a male voice comes over the
loudspeaker, "HEY, YOU DOWN THERE, YOU IN THE PINK BIKINI. THE
PRESIDENT WANTS TO TALK WITH YOU ABOUT A JOB."
Environmental group objects to bust of Clinton
The Goddess Gaia movement demonstrated outside the White House of
the proposed stone sculpture of President Clinton.
A spokeswoman said her groups objected because, "They plan to
ruin a perfectly good rock."
So the Clinton's are going to a formal engagement. Hillary comes
down the stairs stark naked with a lemon between her thighs. Bill is
not amused and asks what the deal is. Hillary says, "This is how I am
going to go and that is that." Well, Bill marches upstairs and comes
back down naked with a potato squeezed between his thighs. Hillary
demands an explanation to which Bill replies, "If you're gonna go as a
sourpuss then I'm gonna go as a dictator!" [badoom boom]
As Bill was just a good boy from Arkansas and was not quite sure
about good etiquette at his "incoronation", ]" before them)
]
] (original words by Christine McVie of Fleetwood Mac)
]
] If you wake up and don't want to smile,
] If it takes just a little while,
] Open your eyes and look at the day,
] You'll see things in a different way.
If you wake up and don't want to file
It takes just a little while
Open your eyes and you're gonna pay
You'll see things in Hillary's way
] Don't stop, thinking about tomorrow,
] Don't stop, it'll soon be here,
] It'll be, better than before,
] Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.
Don't start thinking about low taxes
Don't start, cause they won't be here,
They'll be, higher than before,
Reagan is gone, Reagan is gone
] Why not think about times to come,
] And not about the things that you've done,
] If your life was bad to you,
] Just think what tomorrow will do.
Why not think about bad times to come,
And not about the things that you've won,
If your life was bad to you,
Just think what Bill Clinton will do!!
] Don't stop, thinking about tomorrow,
] Don't stop, it'll soon be here,
] It'll be, better than before,
] Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.
Don't start thinking about low taxes,
Don't start, cause they won't be here,
They'll be, higher than before,
Clinton/Gore won, Clinton/Gore won
] All I want is to see you smile,
] If it takes just a little while,
] I know you don't believe that it's true,
] I never meant any harm to you.
All I want is to see you file,
It takes just a little while,
I know you don't believe that it's true,
I never meant any promise to you.
] Don't stop, thinking about tomorrow,
] Don't stop, it'll soon be here,
] It'll be, better than before,
] Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone.
Don't start, thinking about your money,
Don't start, it'll soon be here,
It'll be used, better than before,
Reagan is gone, Reagan is gone.
] Don't you look back,
Don't you feel taxed
] Don't you look back.
Don't you feel taxed
Subject: Bill ' Ricky Nelson ' Clinton!
Fools rush in
Where Europe fears to tread
And so I go to Bosnia
My ass around my head
Though I see
The danger there
If there's a chance to be like Kennedy
Then I don't care!
Fools rush in
Where wise men never go
But wise men never run for president
So how are they to know?
When we bombed
I felt an erection begin!
So open up the bays
And let this fool rush in
I am Clinton. Hear me roar!
As I send the troops to war!
And I spread the military across the land
But I'm still a small Nero
With a long, long way to go
Before I can invade Poland!
Yes, I lied. And my promises were feigned.
Yes, I dodged the draft
But look how much I gained!
If I want to, I can bomb ANYONE!
I am PRESIDENT!
I am INVINCIBLE!
I am Clllliiinnntttttoooonnnn!
War. So exciting and new
Come aboard. Bill's expecting you!
The War Boat,
Soon we'll be making another run
The War Boat,
Promises something for everyone
Put your mind on adventure
Set your sights on Cyrus Vance
And War
Won't hurt anymore
It's a Tomahawk blast
On a distant shore!
Hmmm. I see here [glancing at watch] that Bill's a little
ahead of schedule. The Poland Invasion is supposed to be
4-5 years AFTER the election. But, I should have known
Bill was an achiever after the Waco Easy-Pop Oven.
Here's my new-and-improved Barney song...
As sung by Bill and Hillary....
I Love you
You Love me
We are bill and Hillary
With programs that will make you sore,
We're political dinosaurs.
WILLIE'S ODE
Zoe then Kimba
another letdown,
why all these bozos
including Ron Brown?
Keep armed services strong
was a campaign intent,
and I'll strengthen morale
with the sexually bent.
The deficit problem
needs cuts by sharp axes,
but it's politically tough
so I'll ask for more taxes.
Taxes on gasoline
(take the bus or the train)
and a national sales tax
on all value gain.
Hillary will help us
on medical costs,
with a map to the West Wing
she'll never get lost.
By the time I get done
they'll all have had a lickin'
and it'll seem just like Little Rock
with my Tyson fried chicken.
More taxes and pandering
will be my legacy,
I conned them in Arkansas
and now in Washington D.C.
On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
A lone nut by the name of Lee
On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
2 Mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee
On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
3 federal agents
2 Mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee
On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
4 Cuban hitmen
3 federal agents
2 Mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee
On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
The Dallas P.D.
4 Cuban hitmen
3 federal agents
2 Mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee
On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
6 Russian snipers
the Dallas P.D.
4 Cuban hitmen
3 federal agents
2 Mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee
On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
7 Corporations
6 Russian snipers
the Dallas P.D.
4 Cuban hitmen
3 federal agents
2 mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee
On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
8 right wing loonies
7 corporations
6 Russian snipers
the Dallas P.D.
4 Cuban hitmen
3 federal agents
2 mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee
On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
9 postal workers
8 right wing loonies
7 corporations
6 Russian snipers
the Dallas P.D.
4 Cuban hitmen
3 federal agents
2 mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee
On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
10 Nazi soldiers
9 postal workers
8 right wing loonies
7 corporations
6 Russian snipers
the Dallas P.D.
4 Cuban hitmen
3 federal agents
2 Mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee
On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
11 ninja masters
10 Nazi soldiers
9 postal workers
8 right wing loonies
7 corporations
6 Russian snipers
the Dallas P.D.
4 Cuban hitmen
3 federal agents
2 Mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee
On November 22nd, who killed Kennedy?
12 space invaders
11 ninja masters
10 Nazi soldiers
9 Postal workers
8 right wing loonies
7 corporate interests
6 Russian snipers
the Dallas P.D.
4 Cuban hitmen
3 federal agents
2 Mafia thugs
and a lone nut by the name of Lee
A VISIT FROM ST. HICK
(c) 1993 Christopher M. Mislow
'Twas late Christmas eve, and throughout the White House
All slumbered but Socks (who was chewing a mouse)
When all of a sudden a thunderous roar
Rattled the East Wing from rafter to floor.
Unsure if the noise was just gas or artillery,
Bill Clinton took action: he deputized Hillary.
In her robe and her slippers, she trudged to the source
Of the noise and saw nothing, but then heard a coarse
Texas twang from the fireplace clamor
"Down here! Are y'all just as blind as those tinhorn reindeer?"
There, on the hearth, 'midst the timber and tinder,
Sat H. Ross Perot, all covered wit cinder.
"Your flue," he complained, "is disgusting with soot.
You gave far too many staff members the foot.
Cutting budgets is wonderful; better is cheaper.
But you need either Zoe's or Kimba's housekeeper.
From ashes that thick, someone's breathing might fail.
Thank goodness, like Bill, that I didn't inhale."
"Why, Ross," replied Hillary, "pray tell what is it
To which Bill and I owe this Christmas Eve visit?
You're certainly welcome to use the front door.
Did you come down the chimney to hide from Al Gore?"
Shaking the layer of ash from his head,
Ross brushed his flattop, glowered and said:
"No, M'am. I'm a shareholder in Santa Claus, Inc.,
Whose dividends recently started to sink.
When I finally cornered old Santa himself,
He offered to hire me on as an elf!
So I planned my attack, set my financing snares,
Then bought all the company's outstanding shares.
Christmas trees won't be all that get trimmed from now on;
The era of deficit budgets is gone.
The business is gonna be run right because
All day, every day, now I am Santa Claus."
From his inside coat pocket Ross whipped out a chart
And a pointer he brandished with well-practiced art.
"Now, you look at this. You see this here graph?
The way Santa's workshop was run is a laugh.
Those North Pole utility bills are a joke,
And the union-scale wages will soon have us broke.
We need much, much cheaper electrical power,
And elves who don't make fifteen dollars an hour."
For dramatic effectiveness, Ross took a pause,
Then resumed his debut as the new Santa Claus.
"Each new day brings another environment rule.
Recycling toys is a pain in the Yule!
The slogan 'keep the North Pole white'
Is driving expenditures clear out of sight.
Luckily, NAFTA provides a solution,
A haven in which I can discharge pollution
Into the air or the land of my neighbor,
Where the powe union committee:
I'm moving the workshop to Mexico City."
Then, in a twinkle, up the chimney he went,
Back through the soot out the cold rooftop vent.
But not before saying, with a wink and a nod,
"Buenas noches, Miss Hillary, and Feliz Navidad!"
Kenna-Day-O
Kenna-day, Kenna-day, Kenna-day, Kenna-day-ay-o
Kennedy clan is in trouble once more
Say Mr. Kennedy put back your banana
Kennedy clan is in trouble once more
Uncle Ted is naked out on the veranda
Kennedy clan is in trouble once more
Late one night down in Palm Beach town
Kennedy clan is in trouble once more
Brought young girl back to the big compund
Kennedy clan is in trouble once more
Hormones. Hormones.
Kennedy clan is in trouble once more
Kenna-day-o, Kenna-day-ay-o
Kennedy clan is in trouble once more
Up in Chappaquiddick Teddy looked for romance
Kennedy clan is in trouble once more
JFK couldn't keep it in his own pants
Kennedy clan is in trouble once more
Kenna-day-o, Kenna-day-o
Kennedy clan is in trouble once more
Kenna-day-o, Kenna-day-o
Hormones are raging, they won't leave us alone
(written by Robert Wohlfield)
_The Ted Kennedy Jig_ (make it sound Irish)
Ohhhh,
Your father is dead and
Your mother is dead and
Your brother is dead and
Your brother is dead and
Your car doesn't float.
DON'T STOP
Original song lyrics
to the tune of "Don't Stop"
(_Rumours_ -- Fleetwood Mac)
------------------------------------------
If you wake up and aren't in the mood,
If your love life just isn't good,
Open your fly, and call the police,
You'll soon be under different sheets.
Don't stop thinking about adultery,
Don't stop, you'll soon get some,
It'll be better than before,
Hillary's gone, Hillary's gone.
Why not think about your next date,
And not about the affairs of state?
If your wife was bad to you,
Just think who tomorrow you'll screw.
Don't stop...
All we want is to get some too,
And not just wait outside for you,
We know they'll all believe that it's true,
After we go and tell on you.
Don't stop...
Ooooooh, don't you lose count.
Ooooooh, don't you lose count.
Row, row, row your boat,
Quickly to the States.
Hurrily, hurrily, hurrily,
Clinton such a snake.
A little health care poem:
So you want a right to health care?
I'm glad to hear it, friend.
We've bundled up a bunch of laws
To help you meet that end.
A friendly little system, where,
No matter what your state,
We'll slice your paycheck, just because
It makes us feel so great.
And if you're feeling poorly, well,
We'll put you on the list
Of those who need a doctor bad...
And if you still exist
A year from now - why - what the hell
We'll let you see a nurse
Who'll tell you what it was you had
And why it's gotten worse.
We'd let you see a doc, except
We're kind of understaffed.
We told them what we'd pay them now
And most of them just laughed.
We threatened them, we begged, we wept,
And told them they must stay.
But strangely - we're not sure just how -
They all have slipped away.
Worry not! We'll fix you yet!
We're training new recruits.
Fellows much too bright to go on
Sweeping streets and shining boots.
They're doing great at school - you bet!
We're grading on the curve!
Brains they're slightly low on,
But we believe they'll SERVE!
If Bill Clinton weren't Slick Willy,
He'd take a sterner line.
Say a 'no', and transfer stiffness
From his phallus to his spine.
-- Anonymous
In honor of Co-President Bill's trip to KC:
Waal, Ah'm goin' to Kansas City.
Kansas City, here Ah come.
There's lots of pretty women there,
And Ah'm goin ``interview'' me one.
Ah might take a plane,
Ah might take a train,
But if Ah can get a room,
Ah'm goin' to go there jus' the same.
Ah'm goin' to Kansas City,
Flyin' there in Air Force One.
Get away from Hillary,
and have mah'self some fun.
Ah'm goin' to Kansas City,
Goin' there to take a chance.
Check into mah hotel room, and
walk around without any pants.
Waal, Ah'm goin' to Kansas City.
Kansas City, here Ah come.
There's lots of pretty women there,
And Ah'm goin ``interview'' me one.
Fadeout and Voice over:
"Where's them secretaries Ah ordered...?
Don't keep me waiting, Ah'm the leader
of the free world..."
Bill Clinton was feeling quaite spry,
And all of his friends testify
That he wrestled with Newt
And he slapped a recruit,
And they say that he opened his fly.
One night before Clinton ate,
He called up a girl for a date;
But Hillary was shrewd
And his plan came unglued,
And they never did conjugate.
Bill Clinton has lust in his heart,
And Paula is only a part
Of the ones he undressed
That he never confessed,
And, for records, he has a fine chart.
Originals by Al Willis
THE HOODWINKING HILL/BILLY'S
(To the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies)
Come listen to my story 'bout a man named Bill
Became president and made the country ill
He said bend on over and I'll stick it in your ***
Then he took all our money with an energy tax.
(Contribution, that is- a down payment on our poverty)
The next thing you know his wife is takin' charge
All the people said "Let's kick 'em outta there"
Said Arkansas is the place they oughta be
So they kicked 'em outta office in 1993.
(Impeachment, that is - save America, Get rid of the Clintons)
Yet another Clinton theme song: "You Don't Send Me Flowers (Anymore)
I am Hillary of Borg.
Bill is irrelevant.
Congress is irrelevant.
Your health care will be assimilated.
There once was a dweeb named Clinton
who in the military did no stint in.
But with his guile
and a pandering smile,
on a road to ruin was bent on.
I am Clinton of Dummycrat.
Resistance is futile.
Keeping what you earn is futile.
Conservatives are irrelevant.
Self reliance is irrelevant.
We are superior.
We will play the race card.
We will play the class envy card.
We will lie when we need to.
You will be assimilated.
You will become one with the Dummycrats.
I am Lenin of Borsche.
Kounter-resistance is futile.
Kapitalism is irrelevant.
Demokracy is irrelevant.
You will be re-eduKated.
I am Clinton of (check the polls)
Compromise is futile
Beliefs are irrelevant
Leadership is irrelevant
You will be exacerbate
I am Clinton of Borg
Resistance is futile
Ugh....
Umm......
It's all Rush's fault!
Five Thousand Years Ago Moses Said: "Pack Up
Your Camel, Pick Up Your Shovel, Move Your
Ass And I Will Lead You To The Promised
Land." Five Thousand Years Later Franklin D.
Roosevelt Said: "Lay Down Your Shovel, Sit On
Your Ass, Light Up A Camel, This Is The
Promised Land." This Year Bill Clinton Will
Take Your Shovel, Sell Your Camel, Kick Your
Ass, And Tell You He Gave Away The Promised Land.
ODE TO CONNIE DUNG
(To be whispered to someone- just between you and them.)
There once was a woman named Chung,
Who lied to Newt's mom with her tongue.
After that Connie said, "Yes, I confess,"
"I'm a Pro-Clinton Communist pest,"
"From now on just call me CONNIE DUNG."
[Somebody wrote:]
I saw a cartoon with Bill Clinton dressed as Barney (labeled Blarney)
singing:
"I love you,
and you love me,
send me all of your money"
Toilet Grafitti
Here I sit,
Eyes a squintin'
Givin' birth
To another Clinton
--- SECTION: Miscellaneous Clinton Jokes
---
By David Burn, sonburn@everett.net
"Bill and Hil' schlepped up to the Hill to
ditch the tale of Whitewater."
---
BILL CLINTON STATUE COMMITTEE
1040 Bufoo Street
Little Rock, AR 72205
Dear Friend,
We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee for
raising five million dollars for placing a statue of Bill Clinton in
the Hall of Fame in Washington D.C.
This committee was in a quandary as to where to place the
statue. It was not wise to place it beside the statue of George
Washington, who never told a lie, nor beside Senator Joe McCarthy, who
never told the truth, since Bill Clinton could never tell the
difference.
We finally decided to place it beside the statue of Christopher
Columbus, the greatest Democrat of all. He left not knowing where he
was going, did not know where he was, returned not knowing where he
had been, and did it all on borrowed money.
Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick
up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to
the Promised Land!" Nearly 5,000 years later, Roosevelt said, "Lay
down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this IS
the Promised Land!" Now, Bill Clinton is going to steal your shovels,
kick your asses, raise the price of Camels, and mortgage the Promised
Land.
If you are one of the fortunate few who has anything left after
taxes, we expect a generous contribution to this worthwhile project.
Fraternally,
The Bill Clinton Statue Committee
Bill Clinton justifies his proposed increases in government
spending by dividing it into investment spending and consumption
spending: GNP = C + I + Government Investment + Government Consumption
He claims that government investment is productive and is worth
running a deficit for.
The question is whether the government can really make that many
investments that are better than private sector investments. People
are scared that under Bill Clinton and the Democrats, we will instead
get:
GNP = C + Pork Barrel + White Elephants
+ Bureaucracy + Inefficiency
+ Uncontrolled Costs
+ Politically Correct Spending
+ Outrageous Boondoggles
+ $500 Billion Bank Bailouts
+ Favors to Lobbyists
+ More Favors to Big-Voting-Bloc Special Interests
+ Even More Favors to Big-Money Campaign Contributors
Most people don't think that politicians, government bureaucrats
and academic economists would know an efficient investment from a hole
in the wall. They think that politicians would end up calling
everything they like, including increases in their own salaries, a
form of investment.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
These are some memos found in the trash behind the primary building of
the FBI (Federal Bureau of Incompetents) in Washington, D.C. They're
probably classified information, and possession of them on your computer
system no doubt is considered a federal offense. Enjoy!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
To: FBI Director William Sessions
]From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
This small Wacko cult isn't giving in. Do you have any instructions?
Agent 2x3276
To: ATF Agent 2x3276
]From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent:
Try playing "Feelings" over and over again 24 hours a day. That should
get the point across.
The Director
To: FBI Director William Sessions
]From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
Thank you for the suggestion. Unfortunately, playing "Feelings" over
and over again 24 hours a day has succeeded only in convincing the Wacko folks
that the end of the world is at hand. They're a bit less cooperative now.
Any more suggestions?
Agent 2x3276
To: ATF Agent 2x3276
]From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent:
Add searchlights at night. And add to the playlist something by
The Partridge Family.
Still The Director
To: FBI Director William Sessions
]From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
They like the Partridge Family.
Agent 2x3276
To: ATF Agent 2x3276
]From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent:
Sickos.
STD
To: FBI Director William Sessions
]From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
We're getting bored out here. Can we go in now?
Agent 2x3276
To: ATF Agent 2x3276
]From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent:
Not until we've wiped their reputation a bit. Notify the reporters
about Koresh's sexual abuse of young, baby frogs.
The Director and Producer
To: FBI Director William Sessions
]From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
We have no substantiated reports of sexual abuse of young, baby frogs.
Agent 2x3276
To: ATF Agent 2x3276
]From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent:
Do you have a point?
The Brilliant
To: FBI Director William Sessions
]From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
Unsubstantiated rumors of baby frog abuse will not withstand scrutiny.
Agent 2x3276
To: ATF Agent 2x3276
]From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent:
What scrutiny are you expecting, agent? Who's going to stand up for
a cult leader who's abused baby frogs?
Better than Brilliant
To: FBI Director William Sessions
]From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
We've had a tiny accident at the compound.
Agent 2x3276
To: ATF Agent 2x3276
]From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent:
How tiny?
Better than Brilliant,
but slightly Worried
To: FBI Director William Sessions
]From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
It kind of like, burned down. Sort of. Sir.
Agent 2x3276
To: ATF Agent 2x3276
]From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent:
Notify the press the cultists committed mass suicide by burning down
their compound.
Brilliant, Almost Godlike
To: FBI Director William Sessions
]From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
We haven't gathered any evidence at all yet, let alone of
a mass suicide.
Pretty Good Agent 2x3276
To: ATF Agent 2x3276
]From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent:
Do you have a point?
Try to remain more formal in your memos.
The BAG Director
To: FBI Director William Sessions
]From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
No sir, thank you sir.
Agent 2x3276
To: FBI Director William Sessions
]From: President Billy Bob Clinton
Will:
What the hell are you folks doing over there?
Bill
To: President William Clinton
]From: FBI Director William Sessions
Sir:
Just doing our best to maintain law and order on a cult of
baby-frog-abusing Partridge Family fans, sir.
Director Sessions
To: FBI Director William Sessions
]From: President Billy Bob Clinton
Will:
Oh. Okay.
Mr. Bill
To: Members of the Press
]From: President William Clinton
Dear Members of the Press:
The FBI has informed me of a tiny error they've made. I take full
responsibility. It wasn't my fault.
The President
______________________________________________________________________________
THE WHITE HOUSE
Office of the Press Secretary
For Immediate Release April 27, 1993
EVENTS ON THE PRESIDENT'S SCHEDULE FOR
TUESDAY, APRIL 27, 1993
11:30 am EDT THE PRESIDENT ADDRESSES THE ANNUAL MEETING OF THE
NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF REALTORS, Sheraton
Washington Hotel, Washington, DC
4:30 pm EDT THE PRESIDENT GREETS THE MENS AND LADIES NCAA
BASKETBALL CHAMPIONS, The White House, Washington,
DC
UPCOMING EVENTS ON THE PRESIDENT'S SCHEDULE
Friday, April 30 The President Introduces
National Service program
Saturday, April 31 The President Delivers Weekly
Radio Address to the Nation
###
Hmm, April 31st. Should be a great speech. Glad to see part of
Clinton's cost cutting included calendars for his staff.
Comparison of last 2 Democratic presidential candidates:
DUKAKIS CLINTON
% Of Vote Received 45 43
Military Experience rode around in a "TANK!? WHERE??"
tank, looking like
an idiot
Wife Kitty Shitty
Running-Mate's Wittiest "You're no Jack "Bill Clinton and I
Comment in VP Debate Kennedy" believe that
[insert your favorite
asinine comment here]"
Considered Too Passionless? Yes Just ask Gennifer...
From a study by the Minot branch of the Limbaugh Institute for Advanced
Conservative Studies:
A Comparison of the Last Presidential Candidates
George Bush Bill Clinton
----------- ------------
War Record Fighter Pilot Draft Dodger
Drug Usage Thyroid Medication Pot Smoker
Extramarital Affairs None 1000
Greatest Achievement Ended Cold War Gennifer Flowers
Position On Viet Nam Support of Country "The What?"
Position On Taxes Proposed Tax Cut Raise Em Baby!
Foreign Affairs Experience To numerous to mention Once Dated A
Mexican Girl
Favorite Song God Bless The USA To All The Girls
I've Loved Before
Church Episcopalian Red Brick
Favorite Vegetable Tomatoes Al Gore
International Experience Ambassador to China Moscow
UN Ambassador Troublemaker
Military Leadership Commander In Chief Former Captain of
Paintball team
Ticket Name Bush/Quayle 92 Bubba1/Bubba2
Least Favorite Food Broccoli Draft Beer
Abortion Bill Against It Paid It
Closest Brush With Death Shot Down in WWII Hillary
Came Home Early
Favorite Actor John Wayne Rob Lowe
Favorite Baseball Team Braves Dodgers
Favorite Bill Job Training 2000 Himself
Anti-Drug Policy Just Say No Don't Inhale
Looking Forward To Ending Recession Legalizing Prostitution
The United States of America
presents
The Not Ready For Prime Time Administration
Starring HILLARYYYYY CLINTON
Co-starring her smiling husband, Billie Jeff
And Featuring
Donna "Poltergeist Psychic" Shalala
Robert "don't need the leg room" Reich
Ron "didn't pay social security either" Brown
Roberta "never met a woman she didn't like" Auchenberg
Janet "never met a man she did like" Reno
Warren "lied to Congress too" Christopher
Lloyd "agreed with Dukakis too" Bentsen
George "he'll say anything" Stephanopoulos
Dede "what's my job" Meyers
Hazel "who's she" O'Leary
And the all Male chorus line from the Little Getcher Hard Rocks
Off Cafe
(c) Matt Giwer
THE DECLARATION OF CLINTONDEPENDENCE...
(with original words from Declaration of Independence in UPPERCASE...
as transcribed by jPm)
WHEN IN THE COURSE OF HUMAN EVENTS, IT BECOMES NECESSARY
FOR ONE PEOPLE [or a multicultural society] TO DISSOLVE THE
POLITICAL BANDS WHICH HAVE CONNECTED THEM TO ANOTHER, AND TO
ASSUME AMONG THE POWERS OF THE EARTH, THE SEPARATE AND EQUAL
[,yet culturally diverse,] STATION TO WHICH THE LAWS OF NATURE
AND OF NATURE'S GOD [nature] ENTITLE THEM, A DECENT RESPECT
TO THE OPINIONS OF MANKIND [peoples of political incorrectness]
REQUIRES THAT THEY [the patriots of change] DECLARE THE CAUSES
WHICH IMPEL THEM TO THE SEPARATION.
WE HOLD THESE TRUTHS TO BE SELF-EVIDENT THAT ALL MEN [especially
womyn] ARE CREATED EQUAL ; AND ACCORDINGLY ALL EXPERIENCE HATH SHOWN THAT
MANKIND ARE MORE DISPOSED TO SUFFER [evils such as self sufficiency],
WHILE EVILS ARE SUFFERABLE , THAN TO RIGHT THEMSELVES BY ABOLISHING
THE FORMS [of self sufficiency] THEY ARE ACCUSTOMED . BUT WHEN A
LONG TRAIN OF ABUSES AND USURPATIONS [i.e. the longest economic boom
in U.S. history while competing against the most competitive economic
world market in history ], PURSUING INVARIABLY THE SAME OBJECT,
EVINCES A DESIGN TO REDUCE THEM UNDER ABSOLUTE DESPOTISM [such as
encouraging individual success rather than collective dependence on
government], IT IS THEIR RIGHT, IT IS THEIR [patriotic] DUTY, TO THROW
OF SUCH GOVERNMENT, AND TO PROVIDE [contributions and] NEW GUARDS FOR
THEIR COLONIES; AND SUCH IS NOW THE NECESSITY WHICH CONSTRAINS THEM TO
ALTER THEIR FORMER SYSTEMS OF GOVERNMENT. THE HISTORY OF THE PRESENT
KING OF GREAT-BRITAIN [usa] IS A HISTORY OF REPEATED INJURIES AND
USURPATIONS
NOTE: Cannot be served at this time, as it is an endangered species.
- VP A.G.
@ Spotted Owl Wings is an actual menu item at the Bordermine Cafe in
Colorado [RLS Feb. 03 93]
Entrees
1. Sacrificial Republiclamb with scapegoat cheese ***SPECIAL***
with Ronaroni memory of 1980s
with Broccoli guilt of Horton
with Quail and a baked potatoe price is a joke
2. The Rainbow Cabinet Trout
(confirmed in less than a month)
in a special interest jus $11.00
with a salad fit for millionaires $9.00
a la Hillary (grilled over wood for at least
90 min.) $7.95
feminist flambe' (a sprinkling of womyn/en) $7.75
with Reich-a-roni (laboriously stirred) $7.50
in a Ron Brown sauce (w/o Social Sec Sauce,
with golden parachutes) $1.4M
with Zoe-cchuni NO LONGER
AVAILABLE
Nevada-style (all croutons from Reno) $8.36
a la Gore (without fish, not cooked over a stove, no nukes
or microwaves, not stored in a Freon-using refrigerator ... hell, it's
just pieces of raw organically grown grass) $9.50
3. Suefood Surprise
with a cabinet full of lawyers $10.95
with a cabinet full of millionaires $10.95
with a "leaner" bureaucracy $10,950
fully serviced by illegal immigrants NOT AVAILABLE
with micromanagement NO EXTRA CHARGE
Children's Legal Defense Fund Portion
with a parental lawsuit and an Al Gore
Environmentally sound coloring book
(bag of crayons, no book - would mean
the death of a tree!) PARENTS BILLED
4. Stephanopoultry assortment (from the "Chicken Plant")
without a Dee-Dessert $6.75
with a large Gephardt role $7.95
special prosecutor UPON REQUEST
5. (Mis)Steak of the Union $10.15
Burned to a crisp. (Hey I guess we asked for it.)
6. Forest Gridlock Summit Vegetarian Pizza
(may substitute marijuana for oregano
in Arkansas:: 01/28 AP Report) $8.95
"WORKING TOWARD NEW, BALANCED AND COMPREHENSIVE POLICY
FOREST CONFERENCE SET FOR APRIL 2 IN PORTLAND, OR
After Years of Gridlock, Action to Save Jobs and Precious Resources
... It is time to break the gridlock that has blocked action
and bring all sides together to craft a balanced approach to
the economic and environmental challenges we face."
Wed Mar 10 93 White House Press Release
Beverages
1. Hope Springs Eternal (Flavored dirty tap water from the Arkansas River
near the "Chicken Plant")
In a recycled glass or plastic bottle
(BYO Bottle) $2.25
"Dolphin-Free" $2.95
"Soak the Rich" punch
We'll back a truck to the nearest
window, stick a nozzle in your mouth, and
irrigate you like some Tennessee Valley
Authority project. UPON REQUEST
2. Celestial Blackmail Teas $100K
[Celestial Teas targeted by the New York Boycott Colorado
group, which was formed in protest of Colorado's rejection of Amendment
2. Story by Walter Smith, Colorado Springs IT Center, Feb. 05 93]
3. Shalala Shake $2.50
Milk shake with PC pudding and a pink flamingo
decoration. Stirred with tongue depressor.
[Inspired by a picture of 1000 plastic pink flamingos placed on
a quad area in the University of Wisconsin.]
4. CAFE au EPA 40 mpg
5. Dallas Cowboy Stampede Scalp of Wash Redskin
Dee-Desserts
Slick Willy Long Island % $1.00
Hillary's health care cookies $2.99
with Celestial Blackmail Tea $3.99
Triple layer-of-taxes cake (SALE PRICE!!!!) $30K or more
Schoolhouse deficit cake $128.31
Sweet death of pro-life movement (Gunned down) Freedom of Choice
Access Act Passage
% Really, this is an actual menu item in Harry's Chocolate Shop,
an adult bar in West Lafayette IN. (It's $3.00 w/tax.)
Source: Kevin L. Stamber, Purdue Univ.
********** SPECIAL NOTICE ********** SPECIAL NOTICE **********
Any item from the old John F. Kennedy menu 15% off menu price.
Any item from the old Franklin Roosevelt menu is 20% off.
Any item from Eleanor Roosevelt's recipe book is FREE!!!!!!
**************************************************************
LIST OF FINANCIAL PATRIOTS
Larry Villella, a 14-y.o. in Fargo ND [Feb. 22 93] $1000.00
"I think you're really a symbol of what's best
in this country, and I'm proud of you and I
thank you for doing this." -- Bill Clinton
An elementary school [RLS Mar 08 93] $ 130.00
An elementary school [RLS Mar 08 93] $ 200.00
Liz Smith, gossip columnist, NY Newsday [Mar 03 93]:
"Now is your chance actively to help Uncle Sam with his
deficit headache. Do you want to do something useful,
while waiting as Congress tries to sweat out and melt
down President Clinton's new tax program? Well, you can!
Simply figure out how much you can bear to part with and
make out a check to the government of the US, marking it
as a contribution to help reduce the deficit.
"This is a trendy and good thing, no matter how
big or small your contribution, and it is something that
more and more people are doing to show they really want
the deficit reduced. If everybody in the country sent a
small check or money order, it could make a very big
impact. Address your envelopes to President Bill Clinton,
The White House, 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., Washington DC 20500."
A prison inmate at Somers CT [RLS Mar 17 93] $ 25.00
WEBSTER'S CLINTONESE - TO - ENGLISH DICTIONARY (FIRST EDITION)
CLINTONESE ENGLISH
__________ _______
"My fellow citizens" "Suckers"
"I didn't inhale" "I think you're all idiots"
"goals" "lies"
"broad-based contributions" "taxes"
"investing in our infrastructure" "pork-barrel spending"
"spending cuts" "decimating the military"
"jobs program" "military base lay-offs"
"Vietnam" "where?"
"Attorney General" "the first semi-qualified woman
I could find without a criminal
record"
"God bless America" "God help us, 'cause
I don't have a clue"
Arkansas 12th Grade Reading Test
Slick Willy, Administrator
Test #1 Test #2
MR Farmers MR Snakes
MR KNOT MR KNOT
OSAR OSAR
CMMT Pockets CMBDI's
LIB LIB
MR Farmers MR Snakes
Test #3 Test #4
MR Ducks MR Mice
MR KNOT MR KNOT
OSAR OSAR
CM Wangs CMEDBD Feet
LIB LIB
MR Ducks MR Mice
Test #5
CM Puppies
MR KNOT Puppies
OSAR
CMPN
LIB
MR Puppies
A father from Little Rock was overheard talking to his son at the
Arkansas State Fair.
Father: M R MIDDLE CLASS
Son : M R KNOT
Father: S A R
Father: C M M T POCKETS
Son : L I B
Son : M R MIDDLE CLASS
CLINTON ADMINISTRATION MEDICAL DICTIONARY
Acute.........................opposite of an ugly
Artery........................the study of paintings
Bacteria......................back door of a cafeteria
Barium........................what doctors do to patients
Benign........................what you are after you're 8.
Bowel.........................letter like A,E,I,O, or U
Cat Scan......................searching for a kitty
Cauterize.....................made eye contact with her
Cesarean Section..............neighborhood in Rome
Colic.........................a sheep dog
Concussion....................a prisoner's sofa
Congenital....................to be friendly
D & C.........................where the White House is
Dilate........................to live too long
Enema.........................not a friend
Fester........................quicker
Fibula........................a small lie
Genital.......................not a Jew
GI series.....................a soldier ball game
Hangnail......................a coat hook
Hospital......................a prostitute ejecting saliva
Impotent......................distinguished, well known
Jaundice......................to include in a group
Kinesthetics..................relationships among relatives
Labor Pain....................getting hurt at work
Leper.........................a wild cat
Malaria.......................shopping place
Medical Staff.................a doctor's cane
Morbid........................a higher bid
Nitrates......................cheaper than day rates
Node..........................was aware of
Outpatient....................a person who fainted
Pap Smear.....................a fatherhood test
Pelvis........................a cousin of Elvis
Post-operative................a letter carrier
Prostate......................flat on your back
Recovery Room.................a place used for upholstery work.
Rectum........................dang near killed 'em
Rheumatic.....................amorous
Secretion.....................hiding something
Seizure.......................a Roman emperor
Serology......................study of English Knighthood
Tablet........................a small table
Terminal Illness..............getting sick at the airport
Tumor.........................more than one
Urinate.......................two steps short of a perfect "10".
Urine.........................opposite of you're out
Varicose......................nearby
Vein..........................conceited
[ Article crossposted from alt.impeach.clinton ]
[ Author was trekker@drycas.club.cc.cmu.edu ]
[ Posted on Mon, 24 Apr 95 21:44:26 GMT ]
In Article [cdharris.175.2F995FDC@cts.com]
cdharris@cts.com (Muad'Dib) writes:
]In article [3n94on$9ij@cmcl2.NYU.EDU] jrs1451@is.nyu.edu (Justin R. Segal) writes:
]]I am meeting Hillary Clinton at a reception for the Annual Survey of
]]American Law (which is dedicated to her this year) on Tuesday 4/25.
]]There will be less than a hundred peolpe, so I'll at least get a chance
]]to meet her briefly. I'm thinking of the perfect thing to say to
]]her and I thought I'd appeal to a larger group. Any [serious]
]]suggestions would be appreciated
Ask her, "So, Hillary, who did shoot Vince?
or
"So hillary, what kind of handbag do you think will go with that striped outfit
you'll soon be wearing? You know, the one with the numbers on the back?
or
"Oh Hillary, I've always wondered - how is Mary Steenburgen in bed?"
Your choice
]
Ask her if she knows about Danbury.
When she asks you what it is, explain that it is one of the
poshest Federal Prisons around in Danbury, Ct. Suggest that her
lawyer plea bargain to have her placed there.
Ask her if she wants you to bake her a cake with a file in it.
[In reference to Ambassador Londo Mollari's dream sequence from the
Babylon 5 episode, _The Coming of Shadows_ -NM]
] in today's edition of the San Jose Mercury, front page, there is a
]picture of Pres. Clinton, from AP. he is pictured from the knees up,
]framed by a clear blue sky, clapping his hands. in the sky, passing
]overhead are three attack helicopters, flying in formation.
] i saw that and my knees went a little weak, you know that feeling
]of someone stepping on your grave. the picture looks way too much like
]Londo's dream...
Naaaah. Differences:
Londo is a combat pilot, a man who has functioned as a warrior in
the service of his society;
Londo is willing to throw his life, and the lives of many others,
enemies and friends, away to preserve and strengthen the Centauri
Republic;
Londo doesn't care if he dies in the process;
Londo is a *good* actor, and you can't always tell when he's lying;
Londo is someone you'd be willing to sit down and eat a meal with.
Twisty Bill, the draft-dodging swill, might *try* to imitate Londo,
since his attempts at imitating FDR and Harry S. have failed
abysmally, but face it..... you can't imitate a HERO unless you can
muster some degree of innate nobility, of courage, of goals. Londo has
these, in spades, thanks to both JMS' writing and Jurasik's superb
portrayal; but Clinton, even with his part written and shot for him by
Linda Bloodworth-Thomason, the Goebbels of 1995, couldn't make the
part believeable.
JMS has created magnificent, interesting, believeable characters;
G'Kar and Londo are both noble warriors, willing to risk all in
defense of their peoples, potentially making bad long-term decisions
due to concern, dedication, and emotion; they BOTH intend the best for
their people, and the result is chaos and danger. They *may* be able
to pull out of the hole and rescue the entire situation, but that's up
to JMS, since no one knows what he's planning.
Comparing a sleazeball fat-hillbilly politician to the likes of
Londo is an *INSULT* to a wonderfully-crafted and realized character.
DNC STUDIOS
Presents
SLICK WILLIE
One Man's Story Of Saying Whatever It Takes To Get Elected
He'll do to America what he did to Arkansas.
He won't inhale.
He won't take us to war... because he wouldn't go himself.
Hillary Clinton as "Tammy Wynette" Gennifer Flower as "The Bimbo"
Ted Kennedy as "His Chaperone" Mario Cuomo as "The Godfather"
Don't Miss the Sequel: GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS!
DNC Studios presents
BILL CLINTON as "SLICK WILLIE"
in a BLOODWORTH-THOMASON production
Executive Producer: RON BROWN
Directed By: JAMES CARVILLE
Screenplay by: GEORGE MCGOVERN
Based on the Book By: GLORIA STEINEM
Music by: SISTER SOULJAH Performed by: ICE-T
Featuring:
JESSE JACKSON as "THE RAPPER"
AL GORE as "THE TREE HUGGER"
PAUL TSONGAS as "ELMER FUDD"
JERRY BROWN as "GOVERNOR MOONBEAM"
Special Appearances by:
JIMMY CARTER WALTER MONDALE MICHAEL DUKAKIS
ARSENIO HALL THE HIPPIES THE YIPPIES
HISPANIC LESBIANS AGAINST RACISM
COMMITTEE TO SAVE THE GAY WHALES ACT UP EARTH FIRST!
UNIVERSITY OF ARKANSAS ROTC UNIT
Soundtrack Available On Rated R: Ridiculous
TIME-WONDER TAXPAYER BEWARE
Records and Tapes
THE ADVENTURES OF PRESIDENT BILL
It's Friday night and President Bill is working late in the White House.
Suddenly the big, red telephone on his desk rings.
RINGGGGGGGGGG, RINGGGGGGGGGG, RINGGGGGGGGGG
President Bill:
Hello! Hello!
Voice on the Line:
President Bill! We have a report that Boris Yeltsin
just ordered the launch of all Russian missiles
in a full-scale nuclear attack against the United States!
President Bill: [take-off on a Clinton tirade against Jesse Jackson]
AW SHIT!!!
HE SAID HE WOULDN'T DO IT!
THAT DIRTY, DOUBLE-CROSSING BACKSTABBER!
SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!
BAM!!! goes the receiver back in the red telephone's cradle.
President Bill grabs the briefcase next to his desk,
whirls the combination locks, flings open the lid,
and jabs in a series of top-secret access codes.
A voice comes over the briefcase speaker.
Voice:
Mr. President, is this a drill?
President Bill:
Listen to me.
We're being attacked by the Russians.
Launch a full-scale response immediately.
Voice:
Are you sure, Sir?
President Bill:
HELL YES!!!
FIRE THE MISSILES!!!
FIRE THE GODDAMN MISSILES!!!
Voice:
OK Sir, we're launching them this minute.
President Bill:
Thank you, Son!
The speaker goes silent and President Bill collapses in his chair.
Suddenly, an aid flings open the door and bursts into the room.
Aid:
Hey Bill! Neat joke, huh?
Sounded real, didn't it?
Attacked by the Russians! What a gag!
Hey, you want something from the kitchen, Bill?
How about a Pizza or something?
Say Bill, are you OK? You look kinda pale.
You OK Bill?
Bill???
Reporter: Governor Clinton, what damage do you think has been done
to your campaign by your wife's comment the other day about how
"Hitler was really a great guy" ?
Clinton: (Mixture of sadness and anger, but articulate as always.)
Hillary and myself are shocked, outraged, and deeply saddened by this
terrible misunderstanding. The media hype is way out of
proportion. You guys should know us by now--we would never say
anything like that. And though she did say a few things about Germany
she certainly didn't mean anything offensive by her remarks, which I
might add have been willfully and shamefully taken out of context and
distorted. There is nothing in my life, or Hillary's life, which can
be construed as derogatory toward the German people. We honor
them. Some of our best friends are Germans. My own grandmother was
one-quarter German. And it certainly isn't true that Germans are
excluded from our country club. In my eleven years as Governor of
Arkansas I was responsible for hiring more German-Americans than my
three predecessors combined. We have some pie charts which we'll pass
around for all you boys so you have the whole story. Once the American
people know all the facts they'll understand just how ridiculous this
is.
Part of this just naturally comes from being the frontrunner,
although I never thought of myself that way or wanted to be called
that. You boys just keep taking your best shots. The American people
have seen the worst of me and they aren't turned off by what we stand
for. But this latest outrage is just too much. You boys ought to be
ashamed. Sleaze for soundbites, trash for cash, that's what this
is. We have good reason to believe the audio tapes were
doctored. We're not even sure if that's Hillary's voice. You guys
ought to have checked this out better before launching a major attack
on my wife. The whole story was phony to begin with. In fact, our
sources suggest that this is is just the latest manifestation of the
vicious smear campaign orchestrated by the white house, who have
declared many times that they will do whatever it takes to win this
election. And that's part of the reason that we're so outraged about
this--the very gall of the whole thing. The only Nazis you find in
America these days are people like David Duke, who of course is a
Republican, not a Democrat. But I certainly don't mean to imply that
George Bush has any Nazi skeletons in his closet. As I told Hillary
just this morning, "Two wrongs don't make a right."
It also comes as no surprise that Governor Brown has jumped on the
bandwagon and has repeated these ridiculous charges every chance he
gets. It is clearly in Governor Brown's interest to do whatever he can
to turn the discussion away from his "flat tax" proposal which would
spell disaster for the people of this nation. And former Senator
Tsongas, although he tried to claim he was above such things, has also
chimed in with a few comments of his own and he maintains he isn't
even running any more. Unlike Senator Tsongas and Governor Brown, I've
always tried to focus on issues, and God knows we've tried to avoid
misleading or negative campaigning of any kind. (Turning up the heat,
getting more dramatic.)
The millions of citizens of this great country who are out of work
or scared of losing their jobs or their health insurance know what I
stand for. People are genuinely disillusioned with the way things are
in Washington, and this kind of sideshow just reinforces their
disgust. People have been let down, they've been shafted by
Washington. They want to know whether they have a vehicle for their
resentment. I have always run my campaigns as a change agent. I'm as
much of an outsider as anybody. I ran the first ad against the
congressional pay raise!
Certainly this is a sad commentary on the manipulation of the
media, and the people, by evil forces who oppose our candidacy. Here
we are trying to bring everyone together in this country so that we
can work for the future, and once again vicious lies are spread about
us and guerrilla tactics are used against us. Besides, I thought you
guys were supposed to be on my side. It is just plain cowardice to
keep bringing this up and attacking my wife instead of raising honest
issues like the need for more submarines, my support for a middle
class tax cut, the way Senator Tsongas wants to break the backs of
poor honest retired folks by slashing their social security payments,
how opposed I am to raising the gas tax, or the way Jerry's flat tax
would cripple the nation. Maybe Hillary should have just stayed home
in Arkansas and baked some cookies.
On the front page of the 11/9/92 New York Times, there is a piece
entitled "Clinton, After Raising Hopes, Now Tries to Lower Expectations."
In this piece, the major campaign promises made by President-Elect Clinton
are summarized as follows.
1. He said he would end welfare "as we know it."
2. He would restore America's industrial manufacturing base so that good,
high-paying jobs are widespread.
3. He would insure that no working family would fall below the poverty line.
4. He would make "health care a right, not a privilege," for all Americans
without subjecting businesses to an additional tax burden or rationing health
care.
5. He promised to eliminate adult illiteracy in five years.
6. He promised to halve the Federal deficit in four years without raising
taxes on the middle class or significantly cutting the Government entitlement
programs that account for the bulk of Federal spending.
7. He promised offering a modest tax break to the middle class.
8. He would guarantee all Americans either a college education or two years
of vocational training after high school, under the guidance of a national
service program that would "solve the problems of this country while
educating a generation of Americans."
9. Mr. Clinton pledged to keep abortion legal while "making it as rare as
possible."
10. He promised to end racial, religious, geographical, and sex-oriented
divisions in society.
11. He promised to safeguard environmental concerns without costing jobs.
12. He promised to protect the rights and privileges of workers without
costing business growth.
Good Luck, Bud!
Wary Klink Live-Pillory Clinton
Wary: "Hello, welcome to Wary Klink Live. Tonight's guests will be
First Lady elect Pillory Clinton. In our second hour, our
guest will be Dr. Heidrich Von Schmillshonshtenstenton D.D.S.,
P.A., Ph.D., M.D., A.C.L.U A.F.L.-C.I.O, A.S.A.P., A.S.P.C.A.,
S.P.Q.R., C.I.A., F.B.I., I.R.S., and H.R.S., discussing the
finer points of redneck philosophy. (Titles and Degrees 1.)
Welcome Mrs. Clinton.
Pillory: Thank you it is a pleasure to be here.
Wary: Now, we will open the phones in a moment, but first, how does
it feel to have singlehandedly ruined this country's economic
structure? (Emotional Terms 2.)
Pillory: Wonderful, Wary. It's an incredible power trip to hold the
future of an entire nation in your hands. I won't enjoy
destroying this nation from the ground up, much, but it must
be done. Change must come, and tearing it up and starting
from scratch is the only way.(Radicalism 3.)
Wary: Well, good for you. Now, to our first caller from Xanadu,
Nebraska.
Caller 1: Miz Klinton, I am a profezzor of Eaztern Philozophiez, and I
find your previouz statements to be grozzly offenzive. How
can you claim that a pro Marxist/Leninist/Stalinist policy is
the best course when Lao Tsu clearly statez that eventz muzt
be allowed to take their courze if the society is to reach a
higher level.(Status 4.)
Pillory: Everyone is against me, I can't understand it, I want to help
the nation!
Wary: Next caller. (Click) Umm...this caller is from Pigsnout,
Georgia.
Caller II: (German accent) Hello, this is Dr. Schimillschonshtenstenton,
I regret that I will be unable to attend your show this
evening as I have had car trouble here in town. However the
wonderful people of the town have graciously offered to
provide the entertainment for the evening.
Wary: How is that Mr. Schim... Doctor
Caller II: We are going to watch some film called "Deliverance". I'm
told it's quite good.
Wary: I'm terribly sorry doctor, but enjoy the movie.
Caller II: I'm certain I will, they are such a polite and forthcoming
people (Appearance 5.)
Wary: Our next caller is from San Juan, excuse me San Joo Wahn, Texas
Caller 3: (southern twang) I want to talk to that wife of a commie
sympathizer!
Wary: Please, sir, keep the insults to a minimum.
Caller 3: Bush and Quayle weren't that bad, we have had 12 years of
republican presidency, why change it now? (Conservatism 6.)
Pillory: I find it impossible to believe that anyone could find any
benefit from a republican presidency! (Inconceivability 7.)
Caller 3: You What!
Wary: People, don't fight. I'm sure the answer lies somewhere
between your two views. Can't we all just get along?
Pillory: No.
Wary: Okay. Next caller from Vallder, Colorado.
Caller 4: Hi, my name is Edward Winslow, and I am a former Perot
supporter.
Class: HI EDWARD!
Caller 4: I really don't understand all this pro-Clinton sentiment.
Clinton's presidency will be the biggest bomb in American
history (Metaphor 8.)
Wary: Mrs...
Pillory: Ms.
Wary: Sure. Ms Clinton, your response.
Pillory: I agree, my presidency will be an explosive one, impacting
every aspect of American society. (Shift of Meaning 9.)
Wary: Excuse me, I think he means...
Pillory: Next caller.
Wary: ... that ...
Pillory: NEXT CALLER
Wary: (sigh) from Waldorf, Michigan.
Caller 5: Ms. Clinton, I agree with you wholeheartedly in every aspect
of your philosophy. Your views on the sociopolitical
ramifications of the subconscious integral psychosexual male
egobarrier are simply brilliant. (Technical Jargon 10.)
Wary: What?
Pillory: Shut up, Wary.
Wary: Hey...
Pillory: Stay on the line caller, I'll discuss my new theories and
policies with you after the show.
Wary: Can I have my show back now?
Pillory: Yes, you may.
Wary: Next Caller from New Jonestown, Arkansas.
Caller 6: We just called to say that all five thousand of us here in New
Jonestown support you Ms Clinton, and we're holding a party in
your honor, hey, this many of us can't all be wrong. (aside)
Hey, is that Kool-Aid ready yet? (Numbers 11.)
Pillory: It's good to know that some Americans are intelligent, thank
you for your support.
Wary: Next caller from Gernee, New Zealand.
Caller 6: 'ello, I can't see why you yanks dumped Bush, af'er all, you
know what they say. "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."
(Sophistical Formula 12.)
Wary: Excellent, my foreign friend.
Pillory: Just what we need, competitors telling us how to run our
country. This is what dragged us down in the first place.
(Causal Oversimplification 12).
Wary: Next Caller, after all we wouldn't want to run up his phone
bill.
Pillory: I have a few choice words for that man!
Wary: Too late Pillory, next caller from New Orleans, Louisiana.
Caller 7: Yeah, is this Geno's Bar?
Wary: No, wrong number
Caller 7: You sure this ain't Geno's?
Wary: Yes, this is Wary Klink, Live.
Caller 7: Oh, anyway, you really ought to try Geno's. It has awesome
food. Geno's is my favorite bar. In fact, why don't you come
to Geno's after work? (Repetition 13.)
Wary: Next caller from Fallax, Montana.
Caller 8: Clintons Must Die! Clintons Must Die! Clintons Must Die!
(Slogan 14.)
Wary: Next Caller.
Caller 9: Hi, I'm from Boston, and what I want to know is why people
would elect someone like you as President. I mean that's
like putting a serial killer in a nursing home. (Simile 15.)
Pillory: What is wrong with you people? What good could come from any
Republican, no matter how liberal? (Prejudice 16.)
Wary: Next Caller from Saldo, California.
Caller 10: Ms Clinton, I'm sure your administration will have long
lasting effects on the nations future. (Vagueness 17.)
Pillory: ... Thank You...
Wary: Next Caller from Juno Alaska.
Caller 11: Congratulations on winning the White House, Ms. Clinton. May
your term of office be short and uneventful.
Pillory: ...
Wary: Next caller from Little Rock Arkansas.
Caller 12: Honey, this is Fuzzy, what kind of peanut butter was I
supposed to get.
Pillory: Jif, Bill.
Caller 12: Oops, I got Skippy, but you can't really blame me, after all,
I have so much to remember. All those bills you told me to
sign, an entire shopping list, what size panty hose you
wear... (Rationalization 18.)
Wary: Panty Hose?
Pillory: Bill, that was inappropriate.
Caller 12: Hey, if you can call me out of a disaster relief meeting to
tell me to pick up some tuna, I should certainly be able to
call you about peanut butter! (Nor Drawing the Line 19.)
Wary: Panty Hose?
Pillory: Is it too much for me to hope for that you would remember
three sentences together without a week's worth of coaching?
Caller 12: Next caller.
Wary: Hoboken, New Jersey. (aside) Panty Hose?
Caller 13: Hi, I'm a ultra-ultra left Marxist. I think that if we just
dissolved all the world governments, every one would stop
fighting and save the environment. (Wishful Thinking 20.)
Pillory: Sure, and Stalin was a humanitarian.
Wary: Next Caller from Nattlemeyer, Vermont
Caller 14: I am a Political Science professor from Mannington College
and I find that both sides have their merits. I feel that
more data must be gathered before we can decide if replacing
Bush was a positive step. (Academic Detachment 21.)
Pillory: Look, we won't have any fence walkers in this administration!
Either you support the reforms we will make, or you are
against them, period. (Drawing the line 22.)
Wary: Gee, we have another caller, what a surprise.
Caller 15: Hey, I've got your number boss-lady. You claim that you want
to help the nation, yet your husband said, and I quote "...We
will if elected, ... raise taxes, ... send ... jobs
overseas,... and spend more..." (Quotation out of Context 23.)
Pillory: I don't recall him saying any such thing.
Caller 15: He said EVERY word of it ma'am.
Pillory: I'm sure he did SAY every word of it, just not all together.
(Emphasis 24.)
Wary: One last caller and then our time is up for the evening.
Kalleytrepp, your on the air.
Caller 16: Mrs. Clinton...
Pillory: Ms.
Caller 16: Excuse me?
Pillory: Ms., not Mrs. Mrs. is an archaic and degrading term whose
sole purpose is to keep women in their traditional role as
second class citizens.
Caller 16: Can you please define a "second class citizen"
Pillory: Certainly, one who is denied certain rights and privileges
Caller 16: Such as?
Pillory: Such as... Well um, take for example..(Abstract Terms 25.)
Wary: That's all the time we have this evening, we'll see you next
week when we will have lame duck president George Bush as our
guest.
[RADIO 30 SEC. SPOT]
[SFX - OFFICE SOUNDS IN B.G.]
[ROY]
Hey, Dale - I didn't expect to see you at work - I heard you got
fired last week.
[DALE]
I was. But that was before I asserted my rights under the Family
Leave Plan.
[ROY]
But, Dale - you don't HAVE a family.
[DALE]
A minor detail, Roy. I called the Law Firm of Rodham & Clinton and
they took my case, got my job back, got my gay brother an officer's
commission in the Army, and promised to line my wallet with the cash
they're gonna get my soaking my middle-class, fat-cat boss! I'm on
Easy Street. Why, I'm as good as tenured! They couldn't fire me now if
they WANTED to!
[SFX - FADE OUT]
[ANNOUNCER]
Are you out of work? Do you care? At the Law Firm of Rodham &
Clinton, we don't care if you've ever put in an honest day's work in
your life. We think you deserve all the money you can get, regardless
of your ability or willingness to work. Call today, and ask about our
"Buy Now, Suffer Later" program. Your first consultation is free. As
an added bonus, the first 50 callers will receive, absolutely free, a
pair of monogrammed rose-colored glasses, and a list of promises not
worth the paper they're printed on. So if you're one of the
"motivationally challenged" and want to get what you feel is coming to
you, don't wait. Call today!
[ANNOUNCER #2 - TAG ENDING]
The Law Firm of Rodham & Clinton is a Professional Abbomination,
licensed to steal in 50 States and in the District of Columbia. Call
us today! The Law Firm of Rodham & Clinton - where "Soak the Rich (and
the not-so-rich) is our ONLY business!
And finally, one that's out of date, but this came through the
Oracle before the election:
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
] O thou still unravished groom of wisdom -
] O great one still and casual as birds -
] O nameless one above all -
] Please answer the question of this insignificant being:
]
] I've been invited to have tea with Bill and Hillary Clinton next week.
] What advice should I pass on to them from you?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Hoo boy. The Clinton administration will prove to be the most rocked by
} scandal of any administration ever. Please don't give them this whole
} list, but you may provide a hint of what is to come.
}
} Feb. 19, 1993: President Clinton reveals that he once tried cocaine, but
} didn't snort too deeply.
}
} Mar 12, 1993: Hillary demands that "First Lady" become a full cabinet
} position.
}
} Jun 11, 1993: Republicans discover that not only did Clinton oppose
} American involvement in Vietnam, he actually fought for
} the Viet Cong.
}
} Sep. 09, 1993: Clinton reveals that he once tried heroin, but he used a
} clean needle.
}
} Dec. 02, 1993: Hillary demands that the First Lady be included in the
} succession, ahead of the Vice President.
}
} Apr. 22, 1994: Republicans unveil that Ho Chi Minh was really Clinton in
} disguise.
}
} May 10, 1994: Clinton reveals that he once tried Communist propaganda,
} but he didn't understand it.
}
} Oct. 11, 1994: The Hillary Coup: Mrs. Rodham-Clinton makes a failed
} attempt to take over the White House. President Clinton
} has her executed and replaces her with Gennifer Flowers.
}
} Jan 13, 1995: Republicans finally decrypt a 1991 coded telegram from
} Clinton to Saddam Hussein: "I'm with you all the way,
} buddy."
}
} Apr. 01, 1995: Clinton reveals that he once tried murder, but he only
} stabbed once.
}
} Dec. 07, 1995: Addressing a group of WWII vets, Clinton refers to,
} "those valiant and brave Japanese pilots who attacked
} Pearl Harbor." He later blames a slip of the tongue.
}
} Feb. 02, 1996: Republicans unearth a private letter to a friend, in
} which Clinton refers to Adolf Hitler as, "My personal
} role model, who I will always admire and emulate."
}
} May 17, 1996: Clinton admits that he has tried bestiality, but the
} animals involved were all vertebrates.
}
} Jun 11, 1996: Clinton admits that he has tried necrophilia, but the
} body was fairly warm.
}
} Jun 13, 1996: Clinton admits that he has tried arson, but the building
} he torched was of little value.
}
} Jun 16, 1996: Clinton admits that he has tried rape, but she really
} enjoyed it.
}
} Jun 17, 1996: Clinton admits to mugging, pedophilia, kleptomania,
} Communism, racism, and once driving over the speed limit.
}
} Jun 20, 1996: Clinton denies ever trying LSD. Nobody believes him.
}
} Election Day, Clinton is re-elected in a landslide. The popular vote is
} 1996 243,975,237 to 2. Election fraud is suspected, but never
} proven.
}
} And believe me, it gets worse in his second through his sixteenth
} terms.
}
} You owe the Oracle a plane ticket out of the country.
mconnect whitehouse.gov
connecting to host whitehouse.gov (198.137.240.100), port 25
connection open
220 SMTP/smap Ready.
expn president
250 [hillary]
quit
221 Closing connection
]] a 200 dollar hair cut? What kind of example does that set?
]]
]] I thought that he would be more caring about the feelings of the poor.
]] (heh heh)
]] :-)
]
] Oh, a $200 haircut isn't going to hurt anyone. Where are the people
] who were complaining about Bush's buying socks for the grandkids at
] the mall, and Nancy Reagan's designer gowns?
Speaking of double standards -- remember all the hooting & ridicule when Bush
bought a few pairs of socks? Oddly, when Golden Boy took to the stores to
buy shirts -- and parroted, practically verbatim, Bush's "doing my part to
stimulate the economy" remark -- those same voices were silent.
What a difference ideology makes.
Some key definitions to help decode Clinton's speeches. More will be added
as the president's meaning becomes clear. Remember, do not attach
meaning to words, it's symbolism that is important.
all - Clinton's constituency. as: We ALL must make sacrifices
to restore America's economic health.
ask - Clintoneze for legislate. i.e. asking:legislating
campaign - actually, this is a misspelling. It really is champagne
promise promise.
change - (verb) redefinition of the term "tax cut" to its true
meaning, "contribution". (noun) that portion of your
income that will now be heading to Washington, as:
The CHANGE we are asking for is necessary if we are to
restore America's (and, uh, Washington's) economy to number
one in the world.
contribution - that portion of your "excess" income that Washington
believes it can make better use of than you. This
'90s term is designed to make you feel good while
Uncle Sam picks your pocket.
Formerly known unpopularly as "taxes" (shhh. don't say the T
word out loud, it's not politically correct).
courage - ability to perform a humanitarian act or deed without regard
to personal safety or welfare. as: America had the COURAGE
to elect Bill Clinton as president.
first lady - this term has been replaced by the title "co-president"
middle class - that portion of society whose range of income extends from
the end of the poor to the beginning of the wealthy.
Also known as the mule class or the "burdened" class.
poor - what the middle class becomes after it makes
its contribution.
sacrifice - Clintoneze for the act of denying self in order to
make your contribution. as: We must SACRIFICE for
the good of all.
Formerly known as socialism, it has proven itself
effective in places such as China, Cuba, Rumania and
the Soviet Union. One need only talk to citizens
of these nations to see the effect.
spending cuts- What the president promised during his campaign. He will
help you make these by asking you to have the courage to make
your contribution. as: Increased contributions must be
balanced by the appropriate SPENDING CUTS.
we - You, me, us, them. as: You know WE must sacrifice for
the good of all.
Since the president and congress are none of the above,
they are not part of we.
wealthy - anyone making $1.00 a year more than you.
(elected officials are exempt).
This is the class of society that, to quote Commerce
Secretary, Ron Brown, "made out like bandits during the
'80's". Mr. Brown didn't do too shabby himself during that
time. He made hundreds of thousands annually lobbying
congress on behalf of several major Japanese corporations.
Of course now he is just a humble "servant" of the people.
Terry Peres
: For the record, the haircut was not a $200 one, but more like a $50K or $70K
: one, counting the expense for keeping Air Force 1 idling. What it cost to
: the airliners circling around in the sky is anyone's guess.
Sorry to correct you dave, but the money spent by the private airlines to
keep their planes in the air for an hour will Bilzo got his haircut cannot
be considered an expense to the taxpayer.
No, it was an "Investment in America" on the part of the airlines.
Good one! anyone else notice that the Clinton group is now number TEN
in articles posted to the net? Could there be a correlation here? As
his popularity drops, he shovels out more of his bull?
RECIPE FOR: DEMOCRATIC PARTY MIX
INGREDIENTS:
All kinds of: FRUITS, NUTS and FLAKES.
Liberal portion of PORK.
Enough dark chocolate to meet the required QUOTA.
DIRECTIONS:
Mix all ingredients well. (Must be stirred up by a FEMINIST).
Cook over a BURNING AMERICAN FLAG until HALF-BAKED.
Soak in CHEAP LIQUOR for a week, sprinkle with diced FETUS,
garnish with whole POT leaves, and serve FLAMING.
**This recipe is based on Ideal Conditions. If everything
is not Ideal then it will not work at all.
SERVING SUGGESTIONS:
Best if eaten with your MISTRESS while high, drunk and standing
on the American Flag at an NEA sponsored HOMOSEXUAL bondage art
exhibit during a PRO-ABORTION rally lead by FEMI-NAZI Hillary Clinton.
WARNING:
Not for Human Consumption. Only LIBERALS can eat this substance.
If accidentally ingested by a conservative, simply induce
vomiting. The best way to do this is to go to an NEA art exhibit,
listen to some obscene rap music, or watch the democratic national
convention.
Clinton Economic Axioms
Taxing smoking will reduce smoking.
Taxing alcohol will reduce drinking.
Taxing energy will reduce energy consumption.
Taxing business will increase business.
Taxing health care will increase health care.
Taxing productivity will increase productivity.
Restricting trade will increase trade.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
AMERICAN K.I.A. POOL
RULES: 1. Put your name in the appropriate space
2. Put your guess of the date and time President Clinton will get
the first American killed in Bosnia in the appropriate space
3. Enter as often as you can afford
4. Each entry costs one (1) young person in reasonably good
fighting trim
WINNERS: Will receive a reasonable facsimile of a Presidential
condolence letter and a genuine replica of the
purple heart the deceased family gets! Impress your
friends!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date of first
Name of young person American K.I.A.
Your Name: (Entry Fee): in Bosnia:
========================== ============================== ================
__________________________ ______________________________ ________________
__________________________ ______________________________ ________________
__________________________ ______________________________ ________________
__________________________ ______________________________ ________________
__________________________ ______________________________ ________________
Friday, May 14, 1993
NEW YORK -- President Clinton's brother, Roger, and another man
became embroiled in a heated argument at a New York Knicks basketball
game, the New York Post reported today.
Devion Arkison said Roger Clinton attacked him when he made a
remark about the president.
Arkison, 28, said Clinton jumped from his seat at Madison Square
Garden Wednesday night, grabbed him in a chokehold and scratched his
face.
Clinton said Arkison "was being very crude...and my principles were
such that when people are insulting my brother or my mother, I felt I
had to say something," the Post said.
Witnesses told the Post they overheard Arkison say, "Bill's outta
here in three years, and your 15 minutes of fame are almost up."
The Clinton presidency has been faltering in recent weeks and polls
show that Bill Clinton has the lowest approval ratings of any modern
president.
[Like David Letterman predicted, Roger is going to be *trouble*.
It's Jimmy and Billy Carter all over again.]
wolvie@cybernet.cse.fau.edu (christopher motherway) writes:
]IN OTHER NEWS: President Bill Clinton announced yesterday that over
]6,000 more troops will be sent to Somalia to protect and bring back U.S.
]troops already stationed there.
A White House insider, commenting on Clinton's announcement the other
day, said "It may look inconsistent to announce a withdrawal and to
increase troop strength at the same time but, in fact, it is not."
I hate it when I finally get my moment of glory and I'm upstaged by
Michael Jordan. That guy has been jealous of me for as long as I can
remember. Anyway, from the "Morning Briefing" section of today's Los
Angeles Times:
After his speaking engagement in Culver City yesterday, President
Clinton stopped off at the Los Angeles Air Force Base for some
exercise, where he ran a few miles on a treadmill and played in a
basketball game. President Clinton scored a basket early in the
game, and afterwards Scott Turner, the man assigned to defend the
President, had this to say "The guys in the gym are calling me Agent
Horgan now _______________
9. Add lines 7 and 8. This is your Taxable Income. _______________
10. TOTAL TAX
Multiply the taxable income calculated on line 9
by 0.5. This is your total tax for 1994. ------> _______________
11. Enter the Amount of Federal Income Tax withheld
in 1994 (from the W2 form) _______________
----------------
12. Enter the amount from line 10. This is the total
tax OWED. Remit payment promptly to the IRS. _______________
----------------
I, ______________, hereby agree that I owe my country the amount shown
in line 12 above. This information has been filed correctly to the
best of my knowledge. I will vote for Bill Clinton in 1996.
___________________________________ ___________________
(signature) (date)
From a document submitted and published in the 'Congressional Record'
October 1, 1974, by Representative Craig Hosmer [R-California]. The
author chose to remain anonymous...
HOW TO TELL REPUBLICANS FROM DEMOCRATS:
. Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned
somewhere. Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.
. Republicans consume three-fourths of all the rutabaga produced in
this country. The remainder is thrown out.
. Republicans usually wear hats and always clean their paint brushes.
. Democrats give their worn-out clothes to those less
fortunate. Republicans wear theirs.
. Republicans employ exterminators. Democrats step on the bugs.
. Democrats name their children after currently-popular sports
figures, politicians, and entertainers. Republican children are
named after their parents or grandparents, according to where the
money is.
. Democrats keep trying to cut down on smoking but are not
successful. Neither are Republicans.
. Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is
seldom any reason why they should. Democrats ought to, but don't.
. Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper. Democrats
put them in the bottom of the bird cage.
. Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car
windows by Democrats.
. Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians, and eyebrows. Democrats raise
Airedales, kids, and taxes.
. Democrats eat the fish they catch. Republicans hang them on the wall.
. Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican
girls, but feel that they're entitled to a little fun first.
. Democrats make plans and then do something else. Republicans follow
the plans their grandfathers made.
. Republicans sleep in twin beds - some even in separate rooms. That
is why there are more Democrats.
Back to my Canonical Lists Humor Page
Back to my humor page
Back to my home page