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Canonical List Of Men-vs-Women Humor (Battle Of The Sexes)
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CONTENTS
MEN JOKES AND FEMINIST HUMOR
RIDDLES ABOUT MEN
QUOTES AND ONE-LINERS ABOUT MEN
WOMEN JOKES AND SEXIST HUMOR
RIDDLES ABOUT WOMEN
QUOTES AND ONE-LINERS ABOUT WOMEN
RELATIONSHIPS
================================================================================
== MEN JOKES AND FEMINIST HUMOR ================================================
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 1 =--------------------------------------
Man - A Chemical Analysis
Element : Man
Symbol : Ah (short for Asshole)
Quantitative : Accepted at 7 inches though some isotopes can be as short as 4
inches.
Discoverer : Eve (discovered by accident one day when she had a craving for
ribs)
Occurrence : Found following duel element Wo, often in high concentration
near a perfect Wo specimen.
Physical properties :
a) Surface often covered with hair; bristly in some areas, soft in others.
b) Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic and Common Sense,
melts if treated like a God.
c) Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol).
d) Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution.
e) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with Wo
(Snore... zzzzz).
f) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature.
g) Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to
extremely thick.
h) Rarely found in pure form after 14th year.
i) Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted form of
the Wo common ore.
j) When pressure is applied, becomes stiff and unyielding; yields only when
subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied
Chemical properties :
a) All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is possible.
b) May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely favorable
conditions.
c) Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to Wo.
d) Usually willing to react with whatever is available.
e) Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existent to pre-interaction effects
(which tend to turn the specimen bright red.
f) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody.
g) When saturated with alcohols, will be fairly inert and will repel most other
elements.
h) Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers.
i) Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of the
malodorous variety.
j) Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.
Storage :
a) Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for favorable
reaction style.
Uses :
a) Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for Wo...
b) Can be used in recreational activities.
Tests :
a) Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens broadcast
information on many wavelengths.
Caution :
a) Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with reaction to
a particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very maleable under correct conditions.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 2 =--------------------------------------
Little sister answers the door and announces your date is here...she yells out,
"Shelly, Mr. Four and a Half Inches is here!"
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 3 =--------------------------------------
Suzie: Can you beat my total of 71 men?
Jane: If you supply the whips.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 4 =--------------------------------------
A couple was relating their vacation experiences to a friend. "It sounds as
if you had a great time in Texas," the friend observed. "But didn't you tell me
you were planning to visit Colorado?"
"Well," the husband said, "we changed our plans because, uh..."
His wife cut in, "Oh, tell the truth, Fred!" He fell silent and she
continued, "You know, it's just ridiculous. Fred simply *will not* ask for
directions."
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 5 =--------------------------------------
A woman called in a repairman to fix her television. Just as he finished,
the woman heard her husband's key in the lock. "Hurry," she said to the
repairman, "you'll have to hide. My husband is insanely jealous."
There was no time to run out the back door, so the repairman hid inside the
TV console. The husband came in and plopped down in his favorite chair to watch
some football. Inside the TV, the repairman was all squished up and getting
hotter and hotter. Finally, he couldn't stand it anymore. He climbed out,
marched across the room and out the front door.
The husband looked at the TV set, looked at his wife, looked back at the set
again and said, "I didn't see the referee send that guy off the field, did
you?"
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 6 =--------------------------------------
A man came home a day early from a business trip and discovered his wife in
the midst of passionate lovemaking with a total stranger in their bedroom. He
demandingly asked, "What on earth are you doing?!?!!"
The wife turned to the other man and replied, "See, I told you he was as dumb
as a post."
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 7 =--------------------------------------
God created Adam and informed him that he had given him a brain and a penis.
The brain was a good gift as it allowed him to do many things. The penis was
also a good thing as it allowed the race to continue. The problem was that God
had only given Adam enough of a blood supply so that he could only use one of
them at a time.
Men are naturally competitive. Even in the Garden of Eden, Adam was afraid
Eve would like the snake's fruit better than his.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 8 =--------------------------------------
God created man before creating woman, because you need a rough draft before you
create a masterpiece.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 9 =--------------------------------------
Man says to God, "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says, "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God replies, "So she would love you."
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 10 =--------------------------------------
A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel real good today.
I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five
dollar bill to a bum."
"You mean you gave a bum five dollars? That's a lot of money to give away
like that. What did you husband say about it?"
"Oh, he thought it was the thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'"
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 11 =--------------------------------------
Jim: Joe, I hear you just got married again.
Joe: Yes, for the fourth time.
Jim: What happened to your first three wives?
Joe: They all died, Jim.
Jim: How did that happen?
Joe: My first wife ate poison mushrooms.
Jim: How terrible! And your second?
Joe: She ate poison mushrooms.
Jim: And your third ate poison mushrooms too?
Joe: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.
Jim: I see, an accident.
Joe: Not exactly. She wouldn't eat her mushrooms.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 12 =--------------------------------------
A giant truck stops to pick up a hitchhikeress. The driver opens the door and
says, "Come on in. I'm not like the other ones that only let the good-looking
girls have a ride."
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 13 =--------------------------------------
Once heard from a girl who just broke up with someone:
My old boyfriend and I weren't compatible. I'm a virgo and he's an asshole.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 14 =--------------------------------------
I had parked my car in the supermarket parking lot and was walking past an
empty cart when I heard a female voice say, "Mister, are you using that cart?"
"No," I answered. "I'm only after one thing."
As I walked toward the store, I heard her murmur, "Typical male."
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 15 =--------------------------------------
My boyfriend said that for his physical, the doctor needed a urine specimen,
a stool sample, and a semen specimen.
I told him, "Just give them your underwear."
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 16 =--------------------------------------
A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when their car
breaks down. They are unable to get repairs completed and it appears that they
will have to spend the night in a motel.
The only motel in this town has only one room available so they have a minor
problem.
Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the
circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on
the couch and you take the bed.
Sister: I think that would be okay.
They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten
minutes later...
Sister: Father, I'm terribly cold.
Priest: Okay, I'll get up and get you a blanket from the closet.
Ten minutes later...
Sister: Father, I'm still terribly cold.
Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get up and get you another blanket.
Ten minutes later...
Sister: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind
if we acted as man and wife just for this one night.
Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own damn blanket.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 17 =--------------------------------------
A Guide To Proper Etiquette In The Men's Restroom
Ever since man crawled out of the primordial ooze, he has built himself
structures to contain the processes of bodily waste removal. These have been
known as "restrooms," "bathrooms," "outhouses," "commodes," "men's rooms," and
several other names. As with any exclusive organization, wholly half the human
race aren't allowed through the door, and a number of exceedingly complicated
customs have arisen to maintain a sense of order and dignity.
General rules:
1. Don't talk to somebody you don't know. You may chat quietly with an
acquaintance, but must absolutely not call attention to yourself.
2. A quick glance in the mirror is permissible, but absolutely don't spend a
significant time arranging hair, clothing, etc. Zit popping is only
permissible after checking to see nobody else is around.
3. No profanity of any kind. This is reserved for locker rooms, only.
4. If you must wait, form a single-file line, ragged, and be sure to keep
looking around. Read graffiti.
Grafitti rules:
5. All graffiti is anonymous. If there's any chance somebody can trace your
graffiti back to you, don't do it.
6. Writing graffiti in the open section of the bathroom is only acceptable if
nobody can see you. Writing in the stalls is similarly acceptable.
7. If the bathroom is sufficiently public, feel free to insult different
ethnic/racial/sexual groups. If the bathroom is used by a small few,
restraint comments to amusing anecdotes or chit-chat about secretaries. If
visiting dignitaries from other companies or the government may tend to use
the bathroom, graffiti is forbidden.
8. Traditionally, all pictures feature women in various states of undress.
Modern standards often include portions of male anatomy, discretely placed.
Homosexual graffiti is generally frowned upon but is gaining popularity.
9. Pictures must only be drawn in toilet stalls.
10. Any sufficiently interesting graffiti will be painted over by the management
of the bathroom.
Urinal rules:
11. Given a string of unoccupied urinals, you must choose one on the outside.
When one outside urinal is occupied, use the other side, then middle. Avoid
standing directly next to somebody at all costs.
For example, given seven urinals, here are acceptable configurations:
X...... (X = occupied, . = empty)
X.....X
X..X..X
X.X.X.X
XXX.X.X [-- These are only acceptable when significant
XXX.XXX [-- "privacy" dividers are available. If the
XXXXXXX [-- urinals aren't divided, use a toilet.
12. Always look at the wall. Looking down means you're obsessed or don't know
what you're doing. Looking at other people is threatening.
13. Flushing is optional. Over time, the water will become a rich orange. At
this point, flushing is mandatory.
14. Don't start unzipping until you're protected by the privacy of the urinal.
Don't step back until you've closed your pants again.
Toilet rules:
15. Reduce noise at all costs. Grunting is not acceptable.
16. Always flush.
17. When you find an unflushed toilet, leave it alone and use another.
Special cases:
18. Some university dormitories have co-ed bathrooms. New rules apply
for dealing with the females.
a. Never, ever, comment on how they look in the morning.
b. Don't ask what the little wastebasket is for.
c. If urinals are present, only use them when absolutely no females are
around. If you are noticed by a female, try your best to ignore her
presence until you're dressed again.
19. Port-O-Let's and similar constructions are evil. Use them only if
absolutely no other option is available.
20. In the woods, far from civilization, restrooms typically aren't available.
Get behind sufficient growth so that you are completely invisible to the
remainder of your party before you begin. Check carefully that you aren't
near any sort of animal or insect den. Ants are especially bad. If you
forgot toilet paper, bring a leaf identifying guide. Poison oak makes a
poor substitute.
Pissing Tips for "Real Men" (Addendum To The Above Rules)
a. Head for the largest open expanse of urinal available. If you stand too close
to someone, they will think that you are gay. If you stand too far away from
someone, they will think that you think that they are gay.
b. Three shakes only. Two is unhygienic, four is a wanker.
c. If you fart, say "Whooaa, what a ripper!"
d. Don't look. Real men never compare sizes.
e. Never use the drying machines or the towels. Walking out with wet hands into
the bar looks like the condensation off at least six pitchers.
Types Of Men You Might Find In The Restroom
Absent Minded: Opens his vest, pulls out his tie, and pisses in his pants.
Clever: Uses no hands, shows off by fixing tie with both hands, looks
around for admiration, and sometimes ends up pissing on the floor and onto his
shoes.
Cross-eyed: Looks into urinal on the left, pisses into the one in the
center, and flushes the one on the right.
Desperate: Waits in a long time, teeth floating and feet shuffling. Starts
to piss as he walks up to urinal but before he can unzip himself. Lets out a
long groan and grunt as he finally gets to relieve himself.
Disgruntled: Stands for a while, grunts, gives up, and walks away.
Drunk: Holds left thumb in right hand and pisses into his pants.
Easily induced: Any thought, mention, sight, or slosh of a liquid, from
sipping coffee to a runny nose, causes bladder to immediately signal full
condition.
Efficient: Waits until he has to crap, then does both at once.
Erect: Either because his bladder is full or he just saw a sexy woman, his
penis is so erect that he must thrust his buttocks backward a bit to be able to
pull his member out of his pants. Gets pubic hair caught up in his zipper.
Excitable: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find the hole, and ends up
ripping his shorts or jamming the zipper into his shirttail.
Flashy: Tells loud jokes while pissing; shakes off drops with a great
flourish.
Frivolous: Plays stream up and down and across the urinal. Likes to see how
many bubbles he can make froth up. Tries to hit and sink the cigarette floating
around in the water. Has never really grown up.
Indifferent: If all the urinals are being used, he goes into a toilet stall
to piss. If all the toilet stalls are taken also, he pisses into the sink or
garbage can.
Little: Stands on a box to piss into the urinal, falls in, drowns.
Nosey: Looks into the next urinal to compare himself with the other guy's
organ.
Patient: Stands very close for a long time waiting, reading the paper with
his free hand.
Playful: Spots a friend's shoes under the divider wall and redirects aim
accordingly.
Scientific: Backs up from the urinal to take a long shot, misses, and
pisses on shoes.
Slob: Does not bother to flush urinal after using it, drips all over his
shoes and pants when zipping himself back up, and does not bother to wash hands
as he leaves with his fly undone. Usually has to adjust his balls afterwards as
he is sitting down.
Sneak: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, and knows that the
man next to him will be blamed.
Sociable: Joins friends in piss whether he has to go or not.
Timid: Cannot urinate if someone is watching, pretends to, and then flushes
the urinal as if he has already used it. Sneaks back in once everyone has left
the restroom.
Tough: Bangs dick against side of urinal to dry it.
Worried: Is not sure of what he has been into lately and makes a quick
inspection.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 18 =--------------------------------------
Irritated Wife: What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
Hubby: It's not my fault...I ran out of money.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 19 =--------------------------------------
Man is the king of his castle
A king is a ruler
A ruler is 12 inches
Still think you're a man?
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 20 =--------------------------------------
A man was complaining to a friend:
"I had it all; money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful
woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!"
"What happened?" asked the friend.
"My wife found out..."
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 21 =--------------------------------------
A man finds a lamp and decides to rub the dust off. Then, you guessed it, a
Genie appears. The Genie tells the man he will grant him three wishes, but
everything the man gets, his mother-in-law gets twice.
The man's first wish is for 10 million dollars. The Genie reminds the man
that his mother-in-law will get 20 million dollars. The man says, "that's ok."
The man's next wish is for a house by the sea. Once again, the Genie reminds
the man that his mother-in-law will get two houses by the sea; once again, the
man says, "that's okay."
The man's last wish is to be beaten half to death.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 22 =--------------------------------------
Real estate man: Would you like to see a model home?
Man: I sure would, when does she get off work?
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 23 =--------------------------------------
From the Rochester "Democrat and Chronicle", 4/14/92
Pittsburgh (AP) - If the Titanic went down today, a little more than a third
of men would give up lifeboat seats to women outside their immediate families,
according to a newspaper survey.
"There aren't gentlemanly ways today," said Mike Sigworth, one of 200 people
interviewed for the "Pittsburgh Post-Gazette's" 'Titanic Test.' Everybody would
be just trying to get the hell off the boat."
The Titanic's April 1912 sinking killed 1,490 people, including 1,329 men;
about 300 of 490 surviving passengers were women. Some male survivors were
scorned because they forgot or ignored the tradition of filling lifeboats with
"women and children first."
The "Post-Gazette" asked western Pennsylvania residents if they would save
their own skins or give spots to relatives, celebrities and strangers. The
survey did show a high regard for Mother Theresa. Fifty two percent of male
passengers said they would give up their seats to her, but only 8 percent to
Madonna and 7 percent to Penguins hockey star Mario Lemieux.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 24 =--------------------------------------
Two men are in a bar are boasting about their prowess and one of them says,
"My cock is longer than that cat's tail."
A bet is made, the bartender supplies a ruler, and the cat is roused and
measured.
But when the bartender begins the second measurement, the stud says, "Just a
moment! Where did you measure that cat's tail from?"
"From the asshole." says the bartender.
"Well, kindly do me the same favor."
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 25 =--------------------------------------
From A Woman's Viewpoint
Guys, you know how things go. You've been dating the most wonderful girl in
the world for several weeks, even several months, when something odd happens.
Maybe something small, like her starting to wear a particularly rancid brand of
perfume, or maybe something major, like her informing you that she was only
kidding when she said she adored football. Whatever. All you know is that the
thrill has ebbed. Your dreams of this girl are no longer feverish. Your finger
seems loath to dial her number; you become re-enamored of airline stewardesses.
The love affair is, in fact, history.
That middle period of relationships, that perilous time between the
starry-eyed first moments and the cozy, settled period when you may even have
the nerve to fart in bed, is always fraught. It's tricky business, getting to
know each other, a pitfall-a-minute affair. And we women can be just as finicky
as men. Strike the wrong note and we have a tendency to go off our feed
completely. Therefore, I am going to list some common grievances, the things
that make womens' eyes go opaque and cause them to stop returning phone calls.
1. Playing Hard To Get. If a man constantly breaks dates at the last minute
and is often seen squiring different blondes around town, a woman will quickly
tire of him. We've all played that game called "I don't like you as much as you
like me", usually in junior high school. A few of us will play this game
unceasingly, but most of us have better things to do with our time, such as
crocheting doilies. So don't say you're going to call when you're not, don't
leave lipstick-stained cigarette butts in your ashtrays, don't disappear for
weeks at a time. We'll only yawn.
2. Playing Easy To Get. We don't like this, either. (Damn, we're picky!)
There is something off-putting about a man who brings up marriage and children
during the first weeks of courtship, who discusses adjoining burial plots on the
first date, or who professes undying love with lightning speed. A human door
mat is neither amusing nor attractive. And we all know (too well) that a man
who is too intense too soon has no staying power; he is in love with love and
not with us.
3. Refusing To Gossip, Especially After A Juicy Party. This is crucial.
Most women will forgive a man anything...trampling her flower beds, ignoring her
nipples, forgetting her birthday...if only he will stop pretending not to enjoy
a good gossip. There is nothing in the world more irritating than a man who
preserves a stony silence in the car ride home from a dinner party where Gladys
pulled Myrna's husband into the broom closet while Myrna decided it would be fun
to launch into an impromptu cancan right after George announced his sexual
preference for Lithuanian bus boys.
4. Forgetting Foreplay. One must never, as John Cleese put it, stampede the
clitoris. All men know this during their dispassionate, reflective moments, but
when sexual lust rears its insistent head, some men become stricken with amnesia
and think they can just hop on and go at it. They can't. It takes us, I don't
know, approximately 11.7 minutes to become fully aroused. We like to be fondled,
we like to be kissed, we like to be told how gorgeous we are, we crave more than
a bare minimum of caresses. Otherwise, we become cold and hard, which is not
the way you want us.
5. A Plethora Of After-Shave. Or, God forbid, cologne. I personally prefer
the smell of clean, honest sweat above all else, but many women delight in a
hint of subtle fragrance. None of us, however, is partial to an overpowering,
mind-numbing, sticky-sweet odor, so be gentle with your Brut. And eschew all
"essential oils" purporting to smell like strawberries.
6. Telling Dirty Jokes To Get Us In The Mood. No, we are not interested in
the antics of the traveling salesman and the farmer's daughter, though we may be
vaguely intrigued to learn what the bishop said to the actress. The trouble is,
most dirty jokes are not funny. They are simply slimy, smutty, smarmy, and
stupid. These things do not, somehow, turn us on and get us in the right mood.
7. Plying Us With Drinks And Drugs To Get Us In The Mood. We will not
respect you for this clicheed ploy. We may even become contrary.
8. Plying Yourself With Drinks And Drugs. I have a good friend who often
tells the story of a man who, after knowing her for two weeks, decided it would
be fun for her to see him at his worst. He was a wonderful, brilliant, witty
man, but she wasn't prepared to deal with him as a Romilar and Wild Turkey-
saturated psychopath.
9. Bad Laundry Habits. There are men who forget to wash their sheets for
months on end. They think they're being clever buying that dark paisley
pattern, but the nose, unfortunately, knows. Clothes must also be washed
occasionally; it's no good taking a shower only to climb into clothes exuding
petrified body odor.
10. Being Overly Critical. Too much criticism makes anyone want to curl up
into a ball.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 26 =--------------------------------------
No Spitting - A Concise Guide to Life
Five things men should never go out smelling like:
1) The five cartons of cigarettes everyone around you smoked last night.
2) Patchouli oil.
3) Any aftershave meant to evoke where the big bad wolf first saw Little Red
Riding Hood.
4) Anything medicinal, hygienic or cosmetic that is mentholated (it doesn't
evoke images of a cool mountain stream; it reminds people of clothes left in
storage).
5) Anyone whose keys you don't have.
Four flowers you don't send to anyone you care about:
1) Heliconia and birds of paradise, unless your intended love discos.
2) Carnations.
3) Gladiolus.
4) Dyed daisies.
Five things people don't do anymore:
1) Polish their shoes.
2) Pull out a chair for women, or anyone else for that matter.
3) Look you in the eye when shaking your hand at a party.
4) R.S.V.P. on time.
5) Remember that a man doesn't shake a women's hand unless and until she extends
her's.
Nine things people shouldn't do anymore:
1) Talk on a cellular phone in a restaurant.
2) Trust their doctors to have all the answers.
3) Assume that cigarette butts aren't litter.
4) Let their VCR continue blinking 12:00.
5) Pack a suede jacket when traveling to any location damper than Phoenix.
6) Think that "black tie" always means tuxedo.
7) Try to raise ficus trees in an apartment.
8) Wash their hair everyday even if it's on the dry side.
9) Pretend that love is all you need.
Eight elements to successful entertainment:
1) A corkscrew.
2) Candles.
3) Garlic.
4) An '82 Bordeaux.
5) A deck of cards.
6) An umbrella you can lend.
7) A bathrobe softer than terry cloth.
8) An extra Interplak attachment.
Eleven things you should try once:
1) Boudin.
2) Disney World.
3) Getting to a party exactly on time (you'll never hurry again).
4) Reading Jane Austen.
5) Going to the movies alone.
6) Wearing a piece of jewelry without thinking that everyone is looking at it
(wedding bands and school rings don't count).
7) Taking a long honest look in the mirror.
8) Yoga.
9) Going a whole day without eating meat or dairy.
10) Wearing a fabric you've always thought of as luxurious.
11) The opera and a hockey game, preferably during the same week.
Five indications that your clothes fit:
1) No one tickles an exposed piece of skin right when you are reaching farthest.
2) You can bear hug yourself.
3) You almost smiled when you caught yourself in the mirror (until the doubt
patrol started doing its number).
4) You don't readjust every time you stand up.
5) You can dance in them.
Four constructive approaches to thinning hair:
1) Baseball caps (why do you think they're suddenly so popular, team spirit?).
2) Wear it short.
3) Admit shoulder-length fringe is less cool and more Ben Franklin.
4) Read Maria Riva on Yul Brynner.
Three places you should go dressed 'to die for':
1) A great restaurant where you've made no reservations.
2) Your mother's, it's about time she saw you looking good.
3) Wherever they're giving you the award.
Five hints that you're wearing too much black:
1) You approach your closet with a flashlight.
2) You sense your local priest is jealous.
3) It takes more than 10 minutes for your date to find you in a crowd.
4) Gray is starting to look colorful.
5) Widows tell you to cheer up.
Seven musts to have in your car:
1) A detailed map covering a 50-mile radius from your home.
2) Tissues and napkins.
3) Quarters.
4) Breath freshener and eye drops.
5) A valet key (which starts the car but not open the trunk).
6) Glass cleaner.
7) A tape of the "1812 Overture," or something equally awakening.
Five ways to hide things that are too late to fix:
1) Whipped cream.
2) A hat.
3) A turtle neck.
4) Tossing throw pillows on the floor, then saying that everything you've made
tonight is Moroccan.
5) A trunkload of flowers.
Five necessities you can never find that start with 'S':
1) Scissors.
2) Studs.
3) Shoehorns.
4) Shoelaces.
5) Styptic pencils.
Four signs a shoe is not fun or too much fun:
1) The sole is as high as the heel.
2) It has more perforations that you colander.
3) No animal would recognize the skin as its own.
4) The salesman keeps referring to how comfortable it is.
Five remarks people will thank you for making:
1) About something green on their teeth.
2) "Half-mast, buddy!"
3) Where to vote.
4) What color brings out their eyes.
5) That they're dragging a yard of toilet paper.
Four remarks no one will thank you for making:
1) "I used to go out with her too."
2) "Gosh, you look tired."
3) "I think you missed the litter basket."
4) "Wearing that red ribbon doesn't mean you're actually doing anything about
AIDS"
Ten Actions you should know how to do:
1) Tie a bow tie on someone else.
2) Cook a meal from scratch in someone else's kitchen.
3) Keep a secret.
4) Perform CPR.
5) Bargain when the opportunity presents itself.
6) Console someone without platitudes.
7) Change a diaper.
8) Take a compliment with grace.
9) Let yourself be seduced in a part of the house without a mattress.
10) Drive a car.
You must remember these:
1) The city is doing to you what it does to your clothes.
2) If you're one in a million, there are 4,000 people just like you.
3) If you watch your quarters, the laundry will take care of itself.
4) It's only last minute shopping if you plan to die later in the day.
5) Nothing is "fun for the whole family" unless the parents are younger than 10.
6) Your personal trainer is seeing someone else.
7) Nature abhors a vacuum cleaner.
8) If you dress well, people will assume you a have a personal life.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 27 =--------------------------------------
Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Men Fall Catalogue
Once again, the female staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses
for men of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females understand
each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following courses is
required.
Etiquette and Behavior:
EB101: PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
EB102: We Do Not Want Sleazy Underwear For Christmas
(Just Give Us The Credit Cards)
EB103: How Not To Act Like An Asshole When You Are Obviously Wrong
EB104: Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself Anywhere Except In The
Bathroom
EB105: You Cannot Always Wear Whatever You Damn Well Please
EB106: How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
EB107: Attainable Goal - Omitting Foul Expletives From Your Vocabulary
EB108: Fluffing The Blankets After Farting Is Not Necessary
General Electives:
GE101: You, The Weaker Sex
GE102: Mother-in-Laws Are People Too
GE103: The Weekend And Sports Are Not Synonymous
GE104: Male Bonding: Leave Your Friends At Home
GE105: You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson, Especially When Naked
Home Economics:
HE101: You Too Can Do Housework
HE102: How To Properly Fill An Ice Tray
HE103: Wonderful Laundry Techniques (formerly called "Don't Wash My Silks")
HE104: Garbage - Getting It To The Curb
HE105: Get A Life - Learn To Cook
HE106: How To Put Down A Toilet Seat (formerly called "No, It's Not A Bidet")
HE107: How To Tolerate Bras And Pantyhose Hanging In The Bathroom
HE108: How To Color-Coordinate
HE109: Aiming Techniques During Urination
HE110: Overcoming Electronic Gadgetry Obsession
Interpersonal Relationships:
IR101: Understanding The Female Response To Coming Home Drunk At 4:00am
IR102: Reasons To Give Flowers
IR103: Give Me A Break - Why We Know Your Excuses Are Often Bullshit
IR104: Romanticism - Other Ideas Beyond Sex
IR105: Marriage - Those Who Talk And Play Together, Stay Together
Life Skills:
LS101: Combatting Stupidity
LS102: Parenting Roles Beyond Initial Conception
LS103: Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right
LS104: Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
LS105: How To Go Shopping With Your Mate Without Getting Lost
LS106: The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency
LS107: Helpful Posture Hints For Couch Potatoes
LS108: You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
LS109: Changing Your Underwear - It Really Works!
LS110: You Don't Really Need That Porsche After Thinning Hair And Mid-Life
Crisis
LS111: Knowing When To Stop And Ask For Directions When Lost On The Road
Sex Education:
SE101: How To Stay Awake After Sex
SE102: Fall Semester: You Really Can Fall Asleep Without Doing It, If You
Really Try
Spring Semester: The Morning Dilemma - If It's Awake In The Morning,
Take A Cold Shower
SE103: Why Women Enjoy Giving Head About As Much As Men Enjoy Taking Out The
Garbage
SE104: How To Interpret A Female "No" Reply When She Really Means "NO"
SE105: How To Interpret A Female "No" Reply When She Really Means "Yes"
SE106: Variations On Sex Positions (formerly called "Women Like To Be On Top
Sometimes Too")
SE107: Alternatives To Handle Cases Of Sudden Erection
SE108: Foreplay - The Slow And Easy Appetizer Preceding The Main Meal
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 28 =--------------------------------------
There are three things a man over 40 should never forget:
Never pass up the opportunity to take a leak.
Never trust a fart.
Never take a hard-on for granted.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 29 =--------------------------------------
Women have their faults.
Men have only two.
Everything they say and
everything they do.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 30 =--------------------------------------
Greeting Cards Oriented Towards The Male Buyer
A survey has found that about 90% of all Hallmark greeting cards are purchased
by women. In order to attract more males to buy and exchange greeting cards,
the following are some greeting card suggestions created to attract more male
buyers:
Cover picture: Dim, misty, moody picture of a vase of roses.
Cover caption: Consolances
Inside caption: ...on the loss of your remote control.
Cover picture: Nostalgic picture of a young couple strolling through a field
holding hands.
Cover caption: Darling, as we go into our 10th year together...
Inside caption: I swear I'll leave my wife soon!
Cover picture: Gold-leafed picture of a vase of red roses.
Cover caption: Get well soon, darling!
Inside caption: This house doesn't clean itself!
Cover picture: Two men standing on lush golf course, one of them ready to putt.
Cover caption: To my golf partner...
Inside caption: Just to let you know, I'm sleeping with my secretary.
Cover picture: Dark moody picture of a vase of roses.
Cover caption: In sympathy, I'm sorry to hear the news...
Inside caption: That you've been beaten senseless again in another bar fight.
Cover picture: Norman Rockwell-ish painting of a young girl picking daisies.
Cover caption: To the daughter that I love...
Inside caption: No daughter of mine is leaving this house dressed like a slut!
Cover picture: Misty photo of a couple embracing and kissing.
Cover caption: To my wonderful wife...I know we've had a little disagreement
Inside caption: But please don't cut off my sex organ as I sleep tonight!
Cover picture: Photo of two men shaking hands.
Cover caption: Congratulations and the best of luck!
Inside caption: To the installation of your new hair plugs!
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 31 =--------------------------------------
From James Lileks' "Notes of a Nervous Man":
Wieners come in packs of ten, buns in packs of eight, beer in packs of six,
presliced bologna comes in packs of sixteen slices, condoms come in packs of 3.
Why can't they get it straight? Man needs a calculator just to have a weekend.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 32 =--------------------------------------
Why Map Y?
Advances in medical science have allowed geneticists to map out the ever finer
details of the mysterious Y chromosome. Geneticists the world over have been
astir over the recent discoveries of the following gene loci, which had
previously been observed for centuries but, up to now, never been associated
directly with genetic or environmental factors in the male Homo Sapien species:
- - - - ____
11.32 /____\ --- Testis Determining Factor (TDF)
|____|
11.31 | | --- Three Stooges Appreciation
| | (Curly Stimulation Factor, CSF)
p | | --- Gadgetry (MAC-locus)
11.2 | | -\
| | ] Channel Flipping (FLP)
| | -/
|----| --- Catching and Throwing (BLZ-1)
11.1 | | --- Self-confidence (BLZ-2) (unlinked to ability)
_ _ _ _ \--/
/--\
11.1 | | Ability to remember and tell jokes (GOT-1)
|----| --/
| | --- Sports Page (BUD-E)
11.21 | ||--- Addiction to death and destruction movies (T-2)
| | \-- Air Guitar (RIF)
11.22 |____| \- Ability to identify aircraft (DC-10)
|____|
q | ||--- Preadolescent fascination with Arachnida/Reptilia
| | (MOM-4U)
11.23 | ||--- Spitting (P2E)
| | \-- Sitting on toilet reading (linked to Sports Page)
| |
|____||--- Inability to express affection over the phone (ME-2)
| | \- Selective hearing loss (HUH?)
| | \
12.0 | | Total lack of recall for dates (OOPS)
| |
| |
| |
- - - - \--/
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 33 =--------------------------------------
My husband has always taken the time to make love to me in a very romantic
atmosphere. In fact, all our kids were conceived during Miller Lite commercials.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 34 =--------------------------------------
A woman is getting a sentimental feeling while watching a beautiful love scene
in a movie. Her husband leans over and whispers those three little words that
are on his mind: "Pass the popcorn."
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 35 =--------------------------------------
A man can actually cater to a woman's every need, so long as all that she wants
is to have sex, go to ball games, and bring him a beer.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 36 =--------------------------------------
Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are man's best friend. So which is the
dumber sex?
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 37 =--------------------------------------
A woman's idea of the perfect man is someone who is obedient, well-mannered,
faithful, can empty the garbage, and is a great lover in bed. Now if only you
could train a dog to have sex in positions other than doggie style and
bestiality was more socially accepted...
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 38 =--------------------------------------
He: Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the
worst way.
She: Well, you succeeded.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 39 =--------------------------------------
They say that men only think about sex. That's not exactly true. They also
care a lot about power, world domination, money, and beer.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 40 =--------------------------------------
A man leaned toward an attractive woman at a bar and told her, "Haven't I seen
you somewhere before?" "Yes," she replied in a loud voice, "I'm the
receptionist at the V.D. clinic."
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 41 =--------------------------------------
It would be wonderful if there was a potion that could give the average guy the
physique of Sylvester Stallone, the brains of Ted Koppel, and the sense of humor
of John Goodman. Of course, it could be a little scary. One mix-up and you end
up with a guy with John Goodman's body, Sylvester Stallone's I.Q., and the charm
of Ted Koppel.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 42 =--------------------------------------
Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women
complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing
as a good man.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 43 =--------------------------------------
At the mall, women get excited, thrilled, and overjoyed by purchasing the
perfect item. Men experience the same feelings just by finding a close parking
space.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 44 =--------------------------------------
If a man was king of the world, he would make every Sunday a Super Bowl Sunday,
outlaw cleaning, and require women to work naked.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 45 =--------------------------------------
A single man in his 40's often has a problem finding women at his level of
maturity. That's why he dates someone half his age.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 46 =--------------------------------------
So many bachelors lie about their jobs, drive cars they can't afford, wear
toupees and loose shirts that hide their stomachs...and say they want a "real
women"!
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 47 =--------------------------------------
The Single Woman's Language Guide
How To Translate Menspeak
When He Says He Really Means
------------ ---------------
Do you have the time? to go to bed
Hello Let's cut the talk and go have sex.
How are you? in bed, I mean.
I'd like a discreet relationship. I want sex, but I'm married.
I'll be out of town for a few days. I'll be spending time with with the wife.
I'm a novelist. I have 10 unpublished books.
I'm coming off a long relationship. My wife is divorcing me.
I'm consulting. I'm looking for a job.
I'm divorced. I just slipped off my wedding ring.
I'm in television. I fix them.
I'm involved in banking. I'm a bank guard.
I'm self-employed. I just got fired.
I'm sorry I flirted with your sister. I'm sorry I got caught.
I'm thinking of relocating. I can't find a job locally in this town.
I can't leave my wife just yet..soon. Be patient forever.
I enjoy reading. Playboy and Penthouse.
I have the Midas touch. I install mufflers.
I like a woman who is intelligent. As long as she acts like I'm smarter.
I love opera. I want sex, but I've seen an opera once.
I play the market. Safeway
I work high up in an executive office. I'm a window washer.
I work with computers. I'm a cashier at a gas station.
Looking for a satisfying relationship. I want sex.
My business is really hot right now! I hand out towels in a steam room.
My job keeps me running. I'm a messenger.
My wife and I are separated. She's at home and I'm here at the bar.
How To Verbalize To A Man When Breaking Up With Him
Men are often so wrapped up in their work, with their professions being such a
large part of their personal identity, that when a woman wants to break up a
relationship with a man, it helps if she uses the very same key words he uses on
the job, words that he will understand clearly.
If He Is A... Say To Him, "Our relationship has...
-------------------------- -------------------------------------
armchair athlete without a job. been shut out 45 to 0 with 18 turnovers."
astronomer been a black hole."
banker/accountant gone bankrupt."
bartender been on the rocks."
boxer been K.O.'d."
bus driver reached the end of the line."
carpenter had a sinking foundation."
chemist been under a fume hood for too long."
doctor been malpracticed."
economist been in a ten year recession."
electrician been short circuited."
engineer been miscalculated."
fireman been burned to the ground."
football player been fumbled at the one yard line."
geologist been taken for granite."
lawyer been given the death penalty."
mathematician been taken to the limit."
milkman gone sour."
miner gone bust."
opera star reached its grand finale."
personnel worker been terminated."
physicist lacked harmonic motion."
pilot lost power in all its engines."
policeman copped out."
politician been impeached."
programmer been core dumped."
race car driver run its course."
sailor lost at sea."
soldier been wiped out."
teacher flunked out."
truck driver overturned on our highway of life."
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 48 =--------------------------------------
Men And Automobiles
Man is like an automobile. As it gets older, the differential starts
slipping, and the U-joints get worn, causing the drive shaft to go bad. The
transmission won't go into high gear and sometimes has difficulty getting out of
low. The cylinders get worn and lose compression, making it hard to climb the
slightest incline.
When it is climbing, the tappets clatter and ping to the point where one
wonders if the old bus will make it to the top. The carburetor gets fouled with
pollutants and other matter, making it hard to get started in the morning.
It is hard to keep the radiator filled because of the leaking hose. The
thermostat goes out, making it difficult to reach operating temperature. The
headlights grow dim, and the battery need constant recharging.
But if the body looks good, we can keep it washed and polished, giving the
impression it can compete with newer models and make one more trip down the
primrose lane before the head gasket blows. Gentlemen, start your engines.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 49 =--------------------------------------
Men would rather pledge allegiance to a flag than to a woman.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 50 =--------------------------------------
A man knows:
a) every inch of his car and how to take care of it, but can't say the same
about his girlfriend.
b) knows the exact date that he bought his car, but can't recall his wedding
anniversary.
c) can shift gears with a lot more skill in his car than he can in bed.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 51 =--------------------------------------
Men will do anything for women except not fall asleep immediately after sex,
tell women what's wrong when they ask, and ask for directions when they're
driving.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 52 =--------------------------------------
The average bachelor really believes he is cooking when he adds milk to a bowl
of cereal, heats up a slice of pizza in the microwave, picks up the phone and
orders Chinese food, warms up leftovers that his mom put in the refrigerator.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 53 =--------------------------------------
All too often, when a man is thinking about a birthday present for his lady, he
will wait until the last minute to buy it, ignore any hints that she has
dropped, and then buy the wrong size, color, and style.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 54 =--------------------------------------
(true story!)
Seems my latest Freudian slip came just as my wife arrived back from a
week-long business trip in Toronto. As she grabbed her luggage and headed off,
she asked, "Did you miss me?"
I replied quite innocently, "It's been so hard without you."
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 55 =--------------------------------------
Meat, Cars, (And Sexual Politics)
In her remarkable book, "The Sexual Politics of Meat", Carol Adams
provocatively attempts to portray vegetarianism as a feminist issue. I found
myself amazed by the extent to which the symbol of meat and the objectification
of women permeates our society. I was struck with the possibility that it may
be possible and interesting to integrate other issues in a similar way, with the
hope of inspiring a spirit of unity among those struggling for separate, yet
tangential, causes. I in no way intend to demean the issue of vegetarianism,
the anti-car movement, or feminism. Instead, I hope that I can strengthen them
all by increasing the awareness of those involved in one issue of the relative
importance of the others.
In America, the standard diet dictates the serving of meat at each and every
meal. In a similar manner, the automobile reigns as the primary form of
transportation in our cities. It is difficult to discern which trend is more
disastrous to our bodies, our society as a whole, the ecology of the planet, and
all of the creatures who inhabit it.
The Myth Of Masculinity
While "The Sexual Politics of Meat" is provocative in its attempting to
identify the culture of meat as a male-dominated culture that adds to the
objectification of women, it is even easier to see how the keeping and
maintaining of automobiles is a male-dominated trend. In fact, just as most
butchers are men, so are most mechanics. While women are often called pieces of
meat, it is just as common to refer to cars as is if they are women: "She's got
a slick motor and rides smooth and clean." What about the calendar photos that
are so common, of female models clad in swimsuits atop sports-cars? The owning
of an automobile is a rite of passage for the male in our culture. It is how a
boy "gets laid", by picking-up the girl in his car, which provides them with the
independence required to have sex. The bicycle is viewed as nothing more than a
child's toy which is outgrown during the passage to adulthood. Also, it is
continuously pressed on the growing boy the need to consume plenty of animal
protein, so that he will be "strong". Both the failure to own a car and the
refusal to eat meat by a male result in a similar stigma: emasculation.
As a side note, the development of the bicycle rapidly escalated the pace of
women's liberation in America and Europe. First of all, it allowed women to set
out on their own and travel with a reasonable level of safety and previously
unheard of level of independence. It also brought the wearing of pants among
women ("bloomers", they were called) into acceptance, for many women simply
refused to wear highly impractical dresses while riding their bikes. Ted
White's film "The Return of the Scorcher" has more details on this phenomenon.
The Health And Well-Being Of Individuals And Society
The private automobile is the most wasteful form of transportation currently
in use, in terms of energy consumption. The eating of animal flesh is the many
times more wasteful than the eating plants, as much energy is lost in the
process. Up to thirty times more energy is used in driving a given distance as
opposed to bicycling the same distance. A cow must be fed twenty grams of
protein for every gram of protein its meat yields. The auto industry requires a
steady influx of gasoline, a non-renewable resource, in order to keep
functioning, resulting in tremendous bloodshed in the Middle East. The meat
industry is also incredibly dependent upon fossil fuels, what with all the
hauling cows to slaughter and the fuel used in growing and transporting all the
food to feed livestock. Over 85% of all grain grown in the U.S. is fed to
livestock! Our land is being paved to death: over forty percent of all urban
land in the United States is devoted to roads, parking lots, and auto-related
businesses. The continued over- grazing of cows on public and private land is
causing widespread erosion and environmental devastation. The smog and
pollution caused by over-reliance on the automobile is a public health hazard.
The consumption of animal products has been linked to heart disease, colon
cancer, obesity, and various other health disorders.
To quote Ernest Callenbach, author of "Ecotopia", the three great threats to
the environment are: "Cows, cars, and chain-saws."
Industry And Misinformation
Six of the ten largest corporations in America are in the oil or automobile
industries. They have a lock on the media and bombard us with their endless
stream of advertisements for their cars and car-products, never once mentioning
the hazards involved or the alternatives available. They fiercely fight the
development of alternate forms of transportation, such as light rail and
bicycle-pedestrian-only areas. The meat and dairy industry has been the primary
source of nutritional "education" in our schools, contributing free educational
products promoting the nutritional "necessity" of meat and dairy products. They
have lobbied tirelessly for maintaining the "Four Food Groups" model of a
balanced diet that most of us grew up with, where half of the model is made up
of animal products, even though it is widely accepted that the new food pyramid
is a much healthier model. The meat industry and fast food industry have also
spread their brainwashing message through advertising, almost rivaling the auto
industry with their unavoidably offensive billboard campaigns.
What About The Animals?
It is widely estimated that over four-hundred million animals die from being
struck by automobiles each year, world-wide. That's over a million a day! More
than vivisection, even. Their deaths are often slow and excruciatingly painful.
Everywhere they are built, the construction of roads tears apart ecosystems and
kills countless numbers of the plants and animals who inhabit them. While I
have seen articles on roadkill in animal rights magazines, I have never once
seen one of them encourage people to stop driving as an option. Every year,
over billions of animals are killed simply for the pleasure of the taste of
their flesh. Most of the animals are forced to live in tortuous conditions far
removed from their natural habitats.
Everyday Actions And Benefits
Curtailing automobile use is a simple, direct action that anyone can do.
Reducing one's consumption of meat is just as simple and effective. Neither of
these actions require any activism, just a bit of effort. Progressive activists
of all stripes should be able to make these simple lifestyle changes without
detracting anything from their own personal cause. In fact, the health benefits
of both bicycle riding and a vegan diet are reasons alone for anyone, not to
mention all the money you'll save.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 56 =--------------------------------------
There is no fairness between the way the world considers men and women. When
he comes into the world, all ask, "And how is the mother getting along?" When
he gets married, the only things you hear is, "What a lovely bride." And when
he kicks the bucket, what do people say? "How much did he leave her?"
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 57 =--------------------------------------
Are you a heterosexual, monogamous male? The latest research indicates that
there a dozens of HMM's in our nation's armed services alone. Of course, many
straight men are afraid to come out and openly express their true feelings
towards women and fidelity. They may be afraid to face the ridicule of those in
the majority of Americans who find it hard to accept the premise that a man
could possibly want to become and stay married to a person of the opposite sex.
They may fear discrimination in the workplace, or possibly in finding suitable
housing where they can be free to live the "straight" lifestyle. Some HMM's are
afraid that their unpopular views may result in them being branded "politically
incorrect". Tragically, many Americans may be HMM's and not even know it.
Are you a HMM? Are you sure? Could you possibly be running from the
heterosexual trapped within you? Don't be afraid. Answer the questions below
and add up your score. You might just surprise yourself.
1. Are you a biological male?
(10 points for yes. 5 points if you had to check your driver's license.)
2. Which term best describes you?
(Married to only one Woman = 5 points; Engaged to only one Woman = 3
points, Dating only one Woman = 2 points; Dating several women, or at
least not dating any men = 1 point.)
3. If you had to watch one of the following movies ("Patton", "The
Magnificent Seven", "Thelma and Louise", "The Longest Yard", "The Dirty
Dozen"), which would you choose?
(5 points for any response except "Thelma and Louise".)
4. Give yourself 1 point for each of the following statements which is true
of you:
I own a dog.
I own a gun.
I like Clint Eastwood movies.
I wear lots of plaid, flannel shirts.
I won't drink espresso.
I have purchased power tools for myself in the last month.
I secretly believe that I could have whipped Mike Tyson.
I wish Mel Gibson would keep his pants on.
I don't see what's so funny about Homer Simpson.
I don't need a man's attention to make me feel attractive.
If you scored between 20 and 30 points, you could quite possibly be a HMM.
Of course, a married lesbian who shops from the Eddie Bauer catalog, likes
Charles Bronson, has a new power sander, a pit bull, and a Colt Python
.45, would score quite high as well.
HMM is a political advocacy group dedicated to the pursuit of equal rights
for heterosexual monogamous males like you. We have formed in response to the
death of the Republican party on November 3, 1992 (extensively reported by the
media). The way we see it, we can either whine and snivel like the liberals have
been doing for the last twelve years, or we can suck right up to the Clinton
administration and grab every bit of preferential treatment that the other
special interest groups receive.
It will not be easy. There are enemies of HMM in the Democratic party,
enemies that have been playing the oppressed minority game far longer than we.
They may try to tell us that we don't belong. They may try to brand us as
"politically incorrect" (we prefer the gentler "politically challenged"). The
beauty of it is that they have to take us, or risk losing their claim to being
the party of inclusion.
Our aim is to become one of them. To become part of the political inside. To
scratch and claw, accuse and threaten, protest and plead, until we have earned
our place at the public trough.
Your membership in HMM speaks volumes about your courage in the face of a
nation uncomfortable with our lifestyle. Together, we can fight the ignorance
and fear. After all, we did not choose to be straight. This is the way we have
been created! Heterosexuality is not what we do. It is what we are!
I look forward to working with you to stem the tide of the latent
heterophobia that now grips Washington, D.C. and the rest of the country.
Please enjoy the included articles from past issues of Straight Talk for
HMM's and feel free to copy them and pass them around wherever you meet other
straight, monogamous men. Remember:
We're not gay, it's O.K.
We're straight, it's great.
Get used to it.
Subscriptions cost $15.95 for twelve monthly issues (each approximately 8
pages), or our special introductory rate of $4.95 for three issues. Your news-
letters will come in a envelope that will in no way identify you with this HMM
because your decision to come out of the closet must be your own. Send check or
money order to:
Very truly yours,
Norm D. Plume
Founder of HMM
Editor Straight Talk for HMM's
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 58 =--------------------------------------
My ex-boyfriend was not a very good communicator. It's hard to drink beer and
talk at the same time.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 59 =--------------------------------------
From the L.A. Times:
In a recent Amtrak survey, 1,000 men chose Cindy Crawford as the celebrity with
whom they would most like to travel. In a related survey, 1,000 women chose a
rolling pin as the kitchen implement they would likely use if they found their
husbands traveling with Cindy Crawford.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 60 =--------------------------------------
Male Answer Syndrome:
Why Men Always Have Opinions, Even On Subjects They Know Nothing About
In the animal kingdom, males exhibit what is known as "display behavior" in
order to attract females and to ward off rival males. They thrust out their
chests, ruffle their plummage, and generally try to appear more impressive than
they really are. On nature shows, this is comic. It appears comic, too, when
it shows up among humans: the guy in the Camaro with all the gold chains, say,
or Vanilla Ice's haircut. It has been discovered that display behavior is much
more common among humans than had been previously believed. Have you ever
wondered why:
Men who have never been west of Kentucky can tell you about the mentality of the
Japanese?
Men who can't pay their credit-card bills have a plan for dealing with the
national debt?
Men who aren't on speaking terms with their families know how to achieve peace
in the Middle East?
Men who flunked high-school physics can explain what went wrong at NASA?
Men who haven't had a date in six months know what women really want?
Try an experiment: Ask my friend Jeff, who spends his weekends fixing up his
Harley and watching female mud wrestling, how he thinks political autonomy will
affect the economies of the Baltic states.
His brow will furrow; he will purse his lips thoughtfully. "It's interesting
that you mention that...," he will begin, and then he will come up with
something-probably nothing remotely feasible, but something.
This behavior, the chronic answering of questions regardless of actual
knowledge, is known as Male Answer Syndrome. The compulsion to answer varies
from person to person, but few men are happy saying, "I don't know." They
prefer, "That's not what's important here."
They try not to get bogged down by petty considerations, such as, "Do I know
anything about this subject?" or "Is what I have to say interesting?" They take
a broad view of questions, treating them less as requests for specific pieces of
information than as invitations to expand on some theories, air a few
prejudices, and tell a couple of jokes. Some men seem to regard life as a talk
show on which they are the star guest. If you ask, "What is the capital of
Peru?" they hear, "So tell us a bit about your early years, Bob."
Sometimes this expansiveness is appealing. If you ask a woman, "Why did
Madonna go on David Letterman Show?" she will simply shrug helplessly,
acknowledging that some things are simply unknowable. A man, on the other hand,
will come up with a few theories (She's has the same agent? Overdose of
Prozac?). Men have the courage and inventiveness to try to explain the
inexplicable.
But Male Answer Syndrome (MAS) is by no means harmless, as my friend Pauline
discovered at the age of 8. She had found that eating ice cream made her teeth
hurt and asked her father whether Eskimos had the same problem. "No," he said.
"They have rubber teeth." Pauline repeated this information in a geography
lesson and found herself the laughing stock of the class. That was how she
learned that a man, even if he is your own father, would rather make up an
answer than admit to his ignorance.
Later in life, women run into the same problem: Men can speak with such
conviction that women may be fooled into thinking that they actually know what
they're talking about.
My friend Jeff (he of the Harley) is full of expertise on subjects as diverse
as global warming and Elvis' current whereabouts. In reality, however, he is an
expert at only one thing: making very little knowledge go a very long way. For
him answering is a game, and not knowing what he's talking about just adds to
the thrill.
Expressing skepticism can be highly inflammatory. Even mild-mannered Abe
Lincoln types may react to, "Are you sure about that?" as a vicious slur on
their manhood and find themselves backing up a ludicrous assertion with spurious
facts.
Many women actively encourage male answering behavior. There is in the female
correlative condition known as the Say What? Complex. Women who behind closed
doors expound eloquently on particle physics may be found, in male company,
gaping at the news that the earth is round.
MAS tends to be mild until puberty; boys begin to speak with authority on
matters of foreign policy at the same time they start to grow facial hair. And
how MAS developed? Since killing wooly mammoths and attacking enemies with
rocks are now frowned upon, and since shirts open to the navel are not
appropriate in every social situation, men prove their masculinity by concocting
elaborate theories about football.
Growing awareness of MAS has led some to call for a moritorium on all male-
female conversation. This is alarmist. But care should be taken. Women must
remind themselves that if a man tells them something particularly interesting
there is a good chance that it is particularly untrue.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 61 =--------------------------------------
From: gypsy@alembic.acs.com (cupid's six-guns)
and why should i apologise
for bimbos with mascaraed eyes
who take advantage of those men
who never called me back again?
and why must i express remorse
because it was a bad divorce
when all i ever asked of men
was that they call me back again?
where were these men who file complaints
that women never pay for dates
when i was feeding all those men
who never called me back again?
where were the guys who say they're nice
and beg for sexual advice
when i was faking it for men
who never called me back again?
i've always done my best to be
a model of equality
but damn, it's hard to speak for men
who never called me back again.
i must admit, to be quite fair
the grounds for grievances are there
but for MY cause, i hear from men
"well, yeah, but that was way back then!"
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 62 =--------------------------------------
Ever notice how so many of women's problems can be traced to the male gender?
MENstruation, MENopause, MENtal breakdown, GUYnecology, HIMmorrhoids...
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 63 =--------------------------------------
The Paradox Of Men
If you can't go down on them, you're not a good partner. If you can go down on
them, they are jeolous that someone taught you how.
If they pay for dinner, you are using them. If you pay for dinner, you are
trying to embarrass them.
If you make less money than them, you have to do all of the housework. If you
make more money than them, you are a ball-breaker and still have to do all of
the housework.
If they want sex, they won't let you sleep. If you want sex, they won't wake up.
If you choose an article of clothing that they don't like, you don't care about
their taste. If you ask them for help in choosing an article of clothing
they do like, they tell you to dress however you want.
If you are polite and friendly to their friends, they want to know why you are
coming on to their friends. If you are distant and reserved to their friends,
they want to know why you don't like their friends.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 64 =--------------------------------------
From Late Show with David Letterman; Tuesday, January 31, 1995
Top Ten Signs You're Not The Sexiest Man Alive
10. When people see you, they often ask, "Is it Halloween already?"
9. You appear in TV Guide crossword puzzle with the clue, "Siskel and ___"
8. The best term to describe you is "super hairy".
7. You parachuted into Super Bowl with a dog and a bag of pretzels.
6. Photos of you used as a birth-control device.
5. You take a stroll and the local zoo is flooded with calls about an escaped
orangutan.
4. As you walk toward rack of Speedos, you hear clerks murmuring, "Oh God, no".
3. Your name is Tom Wilkins and you're seated in the 6th row of the Ed Sullivan
Theater.
2. Hookers always telling you "Not on the first date".
1. Richard Simmons never follows you home.
[Music: "Da Ya Think I'm Sexy" by Rod Stewart]
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 65 =--------------------------------------
The Last 10 Things Any Man Would Ever Say
10. I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
9. While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Her tits are just too big.
6. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. That chick on Murder, She Wrote gives me a woody.
4. Sure I'd love to wear a condom.
3. We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your
purse.
2. Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.
1. I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask directions.
-= men jokes and feminist humor =-= 66 =--------------------------------------
From a USA Today article: Studies at Chicago's Smell and Taste Treatment and
Research Foundation prove the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, via
his nose. No, not perfume. Doughnuts, lavender, licorice, and pumpkin pie have
all been shown adept at producing sexual arousal in men, according to a
Foundation study. The best result so far: a combination of pumpkin pie and
lavender, which increased penile blood flow in 40% of the men studied. "This
suggests women have more of an effect on men if they throw away those expensive
perfumes and put some pumpkin pie in the oven," one researcher suggested.
Male sexual arousal depends on more than meets the eye: Certain fragrances
are powerful turn-ons and may even be useful in treating impotence, suggests a
recent study.
Chic perfumes, though, aren't the best aphrodisiacs. It's the homey odors of
pumpkin pie, doughnuts, licorice and lavender that send blood rushing to a man's
penis, says Dr. Alan Hirsch of the Smell & Taste Treatment and Research
Foundation, Chicago. He will report on studies of 31 men at the American
Psychosomatic Society meeting in New Orleans.
Poor blood flow to the penis, increasingly a problem as men age, is the most
common physical cause of impotence, says Hirsch. He tested the blood flow of
men wearing masks scented with varied odors.
Every odor, from cheese pizza to popcorn and roses, boosted blood flow to the
penis. But some fragrances were mega-erotic. A combination of pumpkin pie and
lavender evoked a 40 percent increase in blood flow; doughnuts and black
licorice, 32 percent; doughnuts and pumpkin pie, 20 percent.
================================================================================
== RIDDLES ABOUT MEN ===========================================================
-= riddles about men =-= 1 =-------------------------------------------------
Why are all dumb blonde jokes one-liners?
So men can remember them.
or
So men can understand them.
-= riddles about men =-= 2 =-------------------------------------------------
What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman?
A snowwoman is easier to make, 'cause with a snowman you have to hollow out the
head and pack all that extra snow into balls to make its testicles.
-= riddles about men =-= 3 =-------------------------------------------------
Why do men name their penises?
Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their
decisions.
-= riddles about men =-= 4 =-------------------------------------------------
Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born?
To knock the penises off the stupid ones.
-= riddles about men =-= 5 =-------------------------------------------------
What's the best thing to come out of a penis?
The wrinkles!
-= riddles about men =-= 6 =-------------------------------------------------
What is the insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
The man.
-= riddles about men =-= 7 =-------------------------------------------------
Did you hear that they are going to stop circumcising men?
They discovered they were throwing away the best part.
-= riddles about men =-= 8 =-------------------------------------------------
Why are some men uncircumcised?
The doctors were afraid of causing brain damage to the infant.
-= riddles about men =-= 9 =-------------------------------------------------
What's the dumbest part of a man's body?
His penis. It has a head without a brain, it swings with two nuts, and it lives
right around the corner from an asshole.
-= riddles about men =-= 10 =-------------------------------------------------
Why don't women have any brains?
Because they don't have any testicles to put them in.
-= riddles about men =-= 11 =-------------------------------------------------
What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
Castrated.
-= riddles about men =-= 12 =-------------------------------------------------
Why are men endowed with a half ounce more brains than dogs?
So they know not to embarrass themselves by humping women's knees at parties.
-= riddles about men =-= 13 =-------------------------------------------------
Why don't men get hemorrhoids?
Because they are all perfect assholes.
-= riddles about men =-= 14 =-------------------------------------------------
Why do men snore?
When they fall asleep, their balls cover their assholes and they vapor lock.
-= riddles about men =-= 15 =-------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between government bonds and men?
Bonds mature.
-= riddles about men =-= 16 =-------------------------------------------------
How does an older woman keep her youth?
By giving him money.
-= riddles about men =-= 17 =-------------------------------------------------
What's a man's idea of helping with the housework?
Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
-= riddles about men =-= 18 =-------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
-= riddles about men =-= 19 =-------------------------------------------------
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
-= riddles about men =-= 20 =-------------------------------------------------
Why do men resist becoming fathers?
Because they aren't through yet being children.
-= riddles about men =-= 21 =-------------------------------------------------
What is the best way to get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
-= riddles about men =-= 22 =-------------------------------------------------
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
-= riddles about men =-= 23 =-------------------------------------------------
Who needs a husband?
My dog growls at me every morning, my parrot swears all afternoon, my fireplace
smokes a lot, my cat slinks home in the early morning hours, and I have a
physician who looks me over regularly.
-= riddles about men =-= 24 =-------------------------------------------------
How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
-= riddles about men =-= 25 =-------------------------------------------------
How are men like noodles?
They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
-= riddles about men =-= 26 =-------------------------------------------------
Why is it good that we now have female astronauts?
When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.
-= riddles about men =-= 27 =-------------------------------------------------
Do you know why the tribes of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years?
Because even then, men couldn't stop to ask directions.
-= riddles about men =-= 28 =-------------------------------------------------
What does a man consider to be a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack.
-= riddles about men =-= 29 =-------------------------------------------------
How did the angry guy try to kill his pet bird?
Throw it off a cliff.
-= riddles about men =-= 30 =-------------------------------------------------
Why do men like BMWs?
They can spell it.
-= riddles about men =-= 31 =-------------------------------------------------
What does a smart guy do in an M&M factory?
Proofread.
-= riddles about men =-= 32 =-------------------------------------------------
Why did the man fill his waterbed with beer?
He wanted a foam mattress.
-= riddles about men =-= 33 =-------------------------------------------------
What does a man say when he looks in a box of Cheerios?
"Oh look, donut seeds!"
-= riddles about men =-= 34 =-------------------------------------------------
Why are men like paper cups?
They're dispensable.
-= riddles about men =-= 35 =-------------------------------------------------
Why do blonde women have bruises around their navels?
Blonde men are stupid too.
-= riddles about men =-= 36 =-------------------------------------------------
How can you tell if a man is a WASP?
He gets out of the shower to pee.
-= riddles about men =-= 37 =-------------------------------------------------
What does a woman have to do to keep a man interested?
Wear perfume that smells like beer.
-= riddles about men =-= 38 =-------------------------------------------------
What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.
-= riddles about men =-= 39 =-------------------------------------------------
When a woman gets married, she wants the 3 S's: sensitivity, sincerity, and
sharing. What does she get?
The 3 B's: burps, body odor, and beer breath.
-= riddles about men =-= 40 =-------------------------------------------------
Why did God create man?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
-= riddles about men =-= 41 =-------------------------------------------------
What did God say after he created man?
"I can do better than this" and he made woman. But the disruptions created in
Adam's internals when God removed his rib were so great that it caused Adam's
brain to sink down into his testicles. And so one of Eve's first assignments
was to explain to Adam the difference between his black and navy blue socks.
-= riddles about men =-= 42 =-------------------------------------------------
How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
Women cook, men eat; women clean, men get dirty; women iron, men wrinkle.
-= riddles about men =-= 43 =-------------------------------------------------
Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.
-= riddles about men =-= 44 =-------------------------------------------------
Why are men like popcorn?
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
-= riddles about men =-= 45 =-------------------------------------------------
Why are men and spray paint alike?
One squeeze and they're all over you.
-= riddles about men =-= 46 =-------------------------------------------------
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
-= riddles about men =-= 47 =-------------------------------------------------
Why is food better than men?
Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.
-= riddles about men =-= 48 =-------------------------------------------------
Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.
-= riddles about men =-= 49 =-------------------------------------------------
Why do men prefer blondes?
Men always like intellectual company.
-= riddles about men =-= 50 =-------------------------------------------------
Why are women so bad at mathematics?
Because men keep telling them that this...
|[---------------------->|
is 12 inches.
-= riddles about men =-= 51 =-------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between a bar and a clitoris?
Most men have no trouble finding a bar.
-= riddles about men =-= 52 =-------------------------------------------------
What do you call a man with 90% of his intelligence gone?
Divorced
What do you call a woman without an asshole?
Divorced.
-= riddles about men =-= 53 =-------------------------------------------------
What is a macho man?
After getting a blow job, he asks the woman, 'Was it as good for you, as it was
for me?'
What is a more macho man?
At the critical moment, he can't get it up, he asks the woman, 'Does this happen
to you often?'
-= riddles about men =-= 54 =-------------------------------------------------
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.
-= riddles about men =-= 55 =-------------------------------------------------
What is the only time a man thinks about a candlelight dinner?
When the power goes off.
-= riddles about men =-= 56 =-------------------------------------------------
Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much?
They like being able to both eat and make love in under 5 minutes.
-= riddles about men =-= 57 =-------------------------------------------------
Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars?
At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or 50,000 miles,
whichever came first.
-= riddles about men =-= 58 =-------------------------------------------------
How can a woman find out what life's like without a man around?
Get married.
-= riddles about men =-= 59 =-------------------------------------------------
What do men and women have in common?
They both distrust men.
-= riddles about men =-= 60 =-------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a pregnant belly and a beer belly?
One gives birth and the other gives burps.
-= riddles about men =-= 61 =-------------------------------------------------
How can you tell the difference between men's real gifts and their guilt gifts?
Guilt gifts are nicer.
-= riddles about men =-= 62 =-------------------------------------------------
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
-= riddles about men =-= 63 =-------------------------------------------------
How are men like UFOs?
You don't know where they come from, what their mission is, or what time they're
going to take off.
-= riddles about men =-= 64 =-------------------------------------------------
How is a man like the weather?
Nothing can be done to change either one of them.
-= riddles about men =-= 65 =-------------------------------------------------
How is a man and a sports car alike?
Neither one can be depended on and they both move too fast.
-= riddles about men =-= 66 =-------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
-= riddles about men =-= 67 =-------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One can be terribly painful and sometimes almost unbearable while the other is
just having a baby.
-= riddles about men =-= 68 =-------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a single
40-year-old man?
The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the 40-year-old man
thinks often about dating them.
-= riddles about men =-= 69 =-------------------------------------------------
How are boyfriends like cockroaches?
They hang around the kitchen and it's hard to get rid of them.
-= riddles about men =-= 70 =-------------------------------------------------
How are men like diplomas?
You spend lots of time getting one, but once you have it, you don't know what to
do with it.
-= riddles about men =-= 71 =-------------------------------------------------
What piece of furniture was named after the typical man?
The La-Z-Boy recliner.
-= riddles about men =-= 72 =-------------------------------------------------
If men had PMS, what would happen?
a) The federal government would allocate funds to study it.
b) Cramps would become an acceptable reason to apply for permanent disability.
c) There would be a federal holiday every 28 days.
d) All of the above.
-= riddles about men =-= 73 =-------------------------------------------------
If one man can wash one stack of dishes in one hour, how many stacks of dishes
can four men wash in four hours?
None. They'll all sit down together and watch football on television.
-= riddles about men =-= 74 =-------------------------------------------------
What has eight arms and an I.Q. of 60?
Four guys watching a football game.
-= riddles about men =-= 75 =-------------------------------------------------
What's a man's worst nightmare?
1) The Super Bowl is pre-empted by a soap opera.
2) His wife has amnesia and forgets how to cook so he has to.
3) A female boss.
4) He has to ask his wife for money.
-= riddles about men =-= 76 =-------------------------------------------------
What's the greatest mystery about men?
How they can get older but still manage to remain immature.
-= riddles about men =-= 77 =-------------------------------------------------
How do you keep a man from wanting sex?
You marry him.
-= riddles about men =-= 78 =-------------------------------------------------
How can you tell if a man's playing around?
He sends you love notes that are photocopied and begin with the line, "To whom
it may concern..."
-= riddles about men =-= 79 =-------------------------------------------------
What usually happens when a man puts his best foot forward?
It ends up in his mouth.
-= riddles about men =-= 80 =-------------------------------------------------
What happens when a man tries to hide his baldness by combing his hair across
his head?
The truth comes shining through.
-= riddles about men =-= 81 =-------------------------------------------------
How do most men compare to Mel Gibson?
They have everything he has, except for talent, money, and looks.
-= riddles about men =-= 82 =-------------------------------------------------
Before money was invented, what did women find attractive about men?
-= riddles about men =-= 83 =-------------------------------------------------
Women dream of world peace, a safe environment, and eliminating hunger. What do
men dream of?
Being stuck in an elevator with the Doublemint twins.
-= riddles about men =-= 84 =-------------------------------------------------
How could Will Rogers say, "I never met a man I didn't like"?
He never had to date one.
-= riddles about men =-= 85 =-------------------------------------------------
How can you tell if a man you're dating is lazy?
He *throws* his kisses.
-= riddles about men =-= 86 =-------------------------------------------------
What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
Slow.
-= riddles about men =-= 87 =-------------------------------------------------
How can you tell it's puppy love for a man?
He slobbers all over you.
-= riddles about men =-= 88 =-------------------------------------------------
What can a woman find at both gyms and singles bars?
Dumbbells.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.
-= riddles about men =-= 89 =-------------------------------------------------
What are the only two kinds of men?
Studs and duds.
-= riddles about men =-= 90 =-------------------------------------------------
What do men have difficulty retaining?
a) a job
b) a budget
c) a promise
d) a secret
e) a friendship
f) a marriage
g) an anniversary date
h) a 30-minute erection
i) all of the above
-= riddles about men =-= 91 =-------------------------------------------------
What could men do to make their marriages last longer?
Pay less attention to prenuptial agreements and more to postnuptial affection
and sex.
-= riddles about men =-= 92 =-------------------------------------------------
What does a man notice most when he's at the beach with his girlfriend?
Every other woman there.
-= riddles about men =-= 93 =-------------------------------------------------
How do some men avoid making a wrong career move?
They never get a job.
-= riddles about men =-= 94 =-------------------------------------------------
What is a "man about town"?
He's here, there, and everywhere, except home.
-= riddles about men =-= 95 =-------------------------------------------------
What do most men think Mutual Orgasm is?
An insurance company.
-= riddles about men =-= 96 =-------------------------------------------------
What does a man think foreplay is?
a) It's something that you do on the golf course.
b) It's something that occurs 2 minutes before having sex.
-= riddles about men =-= 97 =-------------------------------------------------
Why do a married man and his single male friend envy each other?
Each one thinks the other is having sex more often.
-= riddles about men =-= 98 =-------------------------------------------------
What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.
-= riddles about men =-= 99 =-------------------------------------------------
Why do so few men end up in heaven?
They never stop to ask for directions.
The men who do make it to Heaven are going to have a rude awakening up there
when they find out two things: God is a woman...and she nailed down all of
Heaven's toilet seats!
-= riddles about men =-= 100 =-------------------------------------------------
What's the real reason men can't communicate?
It's hard to drink beer and talk at the same time. At first, I thought my guy
was the strong silent type. But lately, I've realized, he has nothing to say.
-= riddles about men =-= 101 =-------------------------------------------------
When do men insist that women are illogical?
When a woman doesn't agree with them.
-= riddles about men =-= 102 =-------------------------------------------------
Why don't men often show their true feelings?
Because they don't have feelings.
-= riddles about men =-= 103 =-------------------------------------------------
How do you get a man to come when you call?
Ask him if he wants some food.
How do you get a man to leave when you want?
Ask him about his feelings.
-= riddles about men =-= 104 =-------------------------------------------------
What's the easiest way for a wife cause hearing loss in her husband?
Say she wants to talk to him.
-= riddles about men =-= 105 =-------------------------------------------------
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, men will screw anything.
How many husbands does it take to change a light bulb?
We'll know as soon as one gets off the couch and does it.
or
Six. One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs.
How many male chauvinistic pigs does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Let the bitch do it by herself.
or
None. Let the bitch cook in the dark.
-= riddles about men =-= 106 =-------------------------------------------------
How many male chauvinistic pigs does it take to open a beer can?
None. The bitch should have had it open when she brought it.
-= riddles about men =-= 107 =-------------------------------------------------
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
Nobody knows. It has never happened.
-= riddles about men =-= 108 =-------------------------------------------------
How many men does it take to dirty up 12 pots while cooking a meal?
One.
-= riddles about men =-= 109 =-------------------------------------------------
How are a husband and a cat similar when it comes to housework?
They're both afraid of the vacuum cleaner.
-= riddles about men =-= 110 =-------------------------------------------------
What is the only weight lifting many men do in a day?
Lifting themselves out of bed and doing arm curls with beer can dumbbells.
-= riddles about men =-= 111 =-------------------------------------------------
What is the average number of times in a bachelor's life that his bed is made?
Once, when it was still in the factory.
-= riddles about men =-= 112 =-------------------------------------------------
Which of the following lines will do a better job of frightening a man away?
1) Get away or I'll call the police!!!
2) I love you and want to marry you and have your children.
-= riddles about men =-= 113 =-------------------------------------------------
What's the best way to have your husband remember your anniversary?
Get married on his birthday.
-= riddles about men =-= 114 =-------------------------------------------------
Why do balding men comb the few wisps of hair that they still have across their
heads?
So they can fool themselves.
-= riddles about men =-= 115 =-------------------------------------------------
Why do men have a hole in their penis?
So oxygen can get to their brains.
-= riddles about men =-= 116 =-------------------------------------------------
Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment?
A mental hospital.
-= riddles about men =-= 117 =-------------------------------------------------
"Three Men And A Baby"
What you get when four men go fishing and one comes back not catching anything.
-= riddles about men =-= 118 =-------------------------------------------------
Why did the man cross the road?
Because his penis told him to.
or
Because he thought he could get laid if he did.
or
So the woman driving down the street could hit him. (You know us women, we just
can't drive worth shit...)
or
Because another man dared him to and called him a pussy.
-= riddles about men =-= 119 =-------------------------------------------------
What do you do if your bank account stops working?
Throw the guy out of the house.
-= riddles about men =-= 120 =-------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
-= riddles about men =-= 121 =-------------------------------------------------
What do ceramic tile and men have in common?
If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for life!
-= riddles about men =-= 122 =-------------------------------------------------
How does a real man know whenever his girlfriend is having an orgasm?
A real man doesn't care.
-= riddles about men =-= 123 =-------------------------------------------------
What is the thinnest book in the world?
What men know about women.
-= riddles about men =-= 124 =-------------------------------------------------
How does a man take a bubble bath?
He eats beans for dinner.
-= riddles about men =-= 125 =-------------------------------------------------
What do men and beer bottles have in common?
They are both empty from the neck up.
-= riddles about men =-= 126 =-------------------------------------------------
How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken and the ones left are handicapped.
================================================================================
== QUOTES AND ONE-LINERS ABOUT MEN =============================================
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 1 =-----------------------------------
An empty man is full of himself. - Edward Abbey
You can't belay a man who's falling in love. - Edward Abbey
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 2 =-----------------------------------
My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women. - Woody
Allen
To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one
suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to
suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is
to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy, one must
love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness. - Woody Allen
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 3 =-----------------------------------
A gentleman does things no gentleman should do in a way only a gentleman can.
- Luigi Banzini
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 4 =-----------------------------------
A man is a person who will pay two dollars for a one dollar item he wants. A
woman will pay one dollar for a two dollar item she doesn't want. - William
Binger
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 5 =-----------------------------------
A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself. - Du
Bois
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 6 =-----------------------------------
Why be a man when you can be a success? - Bertold Brecht
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 7 =-----------------------------------
If the world were a logical place, men would ride sidesaddle. Rita Mae Brown
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 8 =-----------------------------------
The male is a domestic animal who, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be
trained to do most things. - Jilly Cooper
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 9 =-----------------------------------
Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing. - Emerson
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 10 =-----------------------------------
Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls? Only sissies
liked girls? What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's changed. You think
boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't grow out of it. We just grow
horny. That's the problem. We mix up liking pussy for liking girls. Believe
me, one couldn't have less to do with the other. - Jules Feiffer
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 11 =-----------------------------------
Whatever they may be in public life, whatever their relationships with men, in
their relationships with women, all men are rapists, and that's all they are.
They rape us with their eyes, their laws, and their codes. - from "The Women's
Room" (1977) by Marilyn French
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 12 =-----------------------------------
A man who has been the indisputable favourite of his mother keeps for life the
feeling of a conqueror. - Sigmund Freud
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 13 =-----------------------------------
If man evolved from the ape, how come there are still apes around? Some of them
were given choices. - Johnny Hart's comic strip "B. C."
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 14 =-----------------------------------
If a man hears much that a woman says, she is not beautiful. - Haskins
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 15 =-----------------------------------
In all systems of theology, the devil figures as a male person. - Don Herold
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 16 =-----------------------------------
For a man to pretend to understand women is bad manners; for him to really
understand them is bad morals. - Henry James
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 17 =-----------------------------------
Were it not for imagination, sir, a man would be as happy in the arms of a
chambermaid as a duchess. - Dr. Johnson
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 18 =-----------------------------------
The desire of a man for a woman is not directed at her because she is a human
being, but because she is a woman. That she is a human being is of no concern
to him. - Immanuel Kant
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 19 =-----------------------------------
Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands. - Jayne Mansfield
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 20 =-----------------------------------
Behind every great man, there is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson
Variation: Behind every successful man is an exhausted woman.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 21 =-----------------------------------
When I was young, I used to have successes with women because I was young. Now
I have successes with women because I am old. Middle age was the hardest part.
- Artur Rubinstein
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 22 =-----------------------------------
50 Facts About Men
1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've
experienced pain and bought jewelry.
3. If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks
he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's
early films end with a scream and a flush.
4. Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually
cancels out the nice of "bald."
5. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there
are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
6. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he
watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help
his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living
room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case
they call him.
7. If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off
season.
8. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
9. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being
the first is upsetting to their psyches.
10. All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
11. The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care
about anyone else.
12. Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in
private; in public they have to know.
13. Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
14. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow,
instead of a gun.
15. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have
jobs and bathe.
16. Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a
combination address book, telescope and piano.
17. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven
words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
18. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last
log does not burn, he will take it personally.
19. Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a
bikini wax.
20. All men think that they're nice guys. Some of them are not. Contact me for
a list of names.
21. Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
22. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types:
depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
23. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in
winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters
that snore.
24. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man
walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of
here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo."
25. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the
first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
26. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types
of lettuce, he is serious.
27. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got
older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a
nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and
butterflies.
28. Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and
briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.
29. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he
wished he could be Cary Grant.
30. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.
31. When four or more women get together, they talk about men.
32. Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
33. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie 'The Way
We Were' twice, voluntarily.
34. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and
creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's
my car?"
35. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he
didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
36. Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we
going to have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
37. Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of
sight of women.
38. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get
out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If
you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to
marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.
39. Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look
great." Mitch:"Thanks." On the other side:"Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I
do? Must be the lighting."
40. Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
41. Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
42. Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a
woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.
43. Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their
clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and
zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men
to help us get dressed.
44. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with superheros.
Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
45. When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will
assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his closet
that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
46. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female
menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to
date young girls and drive motorcycles.
47. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
48. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten
what happened.
49. Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
50. All men would still really like to own a train set.
- Rita Rudner's "50 Facts About Men"
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 23 =-----------------------------------
A man in the house is worth two in the street. - Mae West
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. - Mae West
I like two kinds of men: domestic and imported. - Mae West
It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men. - Mae West
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 24 =-----------------------------------
Men become old, but they never become good. - Oscar Wilde
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 25 =-----------------------------------
A bachelor is a cagey guy and has a load of fun; he sizes all the cuties up and
never Mrs. One.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 26 =-----------------------------------
Adam was created first to give him a chance to say something.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 27 =-----------------------------------
Before money was invented, what did women find attractive about men?
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 28 =-----------------------------------
Boy will be boys but one day all girls will be women.
Boys will be boys, but men are better at it.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 29 =-----------------------------------
Men are like toilets. Either vacant, engaged, or full of crap.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 30 =-----------------------------------
A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 31 =-----------------------------------
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 32 =-----------------------------------
Men...give them an inch...and they add it to their own.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 33 =-----------------------------------
I called my last boyfriend "Miller Lite"; tasted good, but wasn't very filling.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 34 =-----------------------------------
If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 35 =-----------------------------------
If only women came with pull-down menus and online help.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 36 =-----------------------------------
If they can put a man on the moon, then why can't they just put them all there.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 37 =-----------------------------------
Men are like dog turds; the older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 38 =-----------------------------------
Men piss like cheap cameras; they just aim and shoot.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 39 =-----------------------------------
Most men prefer looks to brains, because most men see better than they think.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 40 =-----------------------------------
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 41 =-----------------------------------
90% of the men give the other 10% a bad name.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 42 =-----------------------------------
Nowadays, the only place a single woman can find the best man is at a wedding.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 43 =-----------------------------------
PMS is something that makes a woman act once a month like a man acts EVERY DAY.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 44 =-----------------------------------
The guy who said all men are created equal never went to a nudist colony.
-= quotes and one-liners about men =-= 45 =-----------------------------------
Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
================================================================================
== WOMEN JOKES AND SEXIST HUMOR ================================================
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 1 =--------------------------------------
Woman - A Chemical Analysis
Element : Woman
Symbol : Wo
Atomic Weight : Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175.
Discoverer : Adam
Occurrence : Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower
concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal
fluctuations.
Physical Properties :
a) Surface usually covered with painted film.
b) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
c) Melts if given special treatment.
d) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!
e) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
f) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
Chemical Properties :
a) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious stones.
b) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
c) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.
d) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in
alcohol to a certain point.
e) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.
f) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.
Uses :
a) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
b) Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
c) Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.
d) Can cool things down when it's too hot.
Tests :
a) Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
b) Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.
Caution :
a) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.
b) Illegal to possess more than one.
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 2 =--------------------------------------
So, God made Adam. Adam was walking around one day and realized that he was
lonely, so he asked God for a companion.
God said, "I can make a woman for you. She will cook and clean and do
everything you ask her to. She will wait on you hand and foot. She will be so
beautiful that you won't be able to take your eyes off of her. It's gonna cost
you an arm and a leg, though."
Adam said, "Well, what can I get for a rib?"
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 3 =--------------------------------------
A job negotiator and a feminist were in dispute... The feminist was argueing
over the different pay scales that her women were receiving...
Fem: Okay, why are women paid less than men for doing the same job that a man
does.
Neg: It says in the Bible that women are worth less than men.
Fem: Where does it say that? I don't think so.
Neg: Well, you do agree that woman was made from a rib, correct?
Fem: Yeah, so?
Neg: Well, there you have it. A rib is a cheaper cut of meat!
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 4 =--------------------------------------
A man and woman were lying in bed on night and the woman said to the man, "I
sure wish I had bigger tits."
The man responded by saying she should rub toilet paper all over them.
The woman looked at him and asked, "Toilet paper, what will that do?"
The man said, "I don't know, but look what it's done for your ass."
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 5 =--------------------------------------
"I'd like my wife to be beautiful, well-behaving, smart and rich." the
bachelor said.
"Oh, well, then you have to get married four times."
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 6 =--------------------------------------
A male-to-female transexual was recently interviewed on a radio talk show.
The DJ asked the transexual about what, if any, pain the person experienced
during the operation. The transexual replied, "Well, when they cut my penis off,
that really didn't hurt too much. Even when they implanted the breasts in my
chest, well, that really didn't hurt too much either...."
"Then you didn't experience any real physical pain at all then?"
"Hell no! It hurt like hell when they stuck that big fucking needle in my
head and sucked out all my brains and then cut my salary in half!"
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 7 =--------------------------------------
What's the definition of a perfect woman?
a) Three feet tall with a round hole for a mouth and a flat head so that you can
put a pint of beer on it.
b) The sports model has pullback ears and her teeth fold in.
c) The economy model fucks all night and, at midnight, turns into a roast beef
sandwich and a six pack.
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 8 =--------------------------------------
Here's a good putdown line for women:
A man walks up and says haven't we met before?
Say yes, I'm [insert your name here], the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic.
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 9 =--------------------------------------
One day, God went to find Adam and Eve in the garden, but found that Adam
was sitting by himself. "Where's Eve?" He asked.
"Well," said Adam, "She started to bleed. This happens every month or so."
"So where is she?" asked God.
"Well, she went down to the river to wash up." replied Adam.
"Damn," said God. "Now I'll never get the smell out of the fish."
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 10 =--------------------------------------
Whatsamatta University's Seminars For Women Fall Catalogue
Once again, the male staff at Whatsamatta University will be offering courses
for women of all marital status in an attempt to help males and females
understand each other better. Attendance in at least 10 of the following courses
is required.
Etiquette and Behavior:
EB101: PMS (Preposterous Mood Swings) - Learning To Sleep Over At Mother's
EB102: We Do Not Want Ties For Christmas
(Just Wear The Sexy Lingerie I Gave You)
EB103: How Not To Sob Like A Sponge When Your Husband Is Right
EB104: Why It Is Unacceptable To Talk About Feminine Hygiene In Mixed Company
EB105: If You Want To Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother
EB106: How To Act Younger Than Your Mother
EB107: Apologizing For Farting When You're On The Toilet Is Not Necessary
General Electives:
GE101: You, The Whining Sex
GE102: Why You Don't Need To Invite Your Mother Over Every Weekend
GE103: Payday And Shopping Are Not Synonymous
GE104: Female Friendship - Why Your Best Friends Are Not The Women Who
Complain About You The Most
GE105: Learning To Appreciate Beer Belly And Lard Butt Morphologies Of Men
Home Economics:
HE101: You Can Change The Oil Too
HE102: How To Properly Fill A Beer Mug
HE103: How To Do All Your Laundry In One Load And Have More Time To Watch
Football
HE104: How To Encourage Your Husband To Cook More And Be Able To Stomach His
Slop
HE105: Get A Life - Learn To Kill Spiders Yourself
HE106: How To Close The Garage Door
HE107: How To Close The Top On The Toothpaste
HE108: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One
HE109: Why Going To The Bathroom Is Not A Group Activity
HE110: Overcoming "The Imelda Syndrome" (formerly called "How Many Feet Do
You Have, Anyway?")
Interpersonal Relationships:
IR101: Understanding The Female Causes Of Male Drunkenness
IR102: If You Don't Want An Excuse, Don't Demand An Explanation
IR103: Romanticism - The Whole Point Of Caviar, Candles, And Conversation
IR104: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy Watching
"The Three Stooges"
IR105: Marriage - The Number One Cause Of Divorce
Life Skills:
LS101: Combatting The Impulse To Nag
LS102: Parenting - Your Husband Gave You Children So You Could Have Someone
Other Than Him To Boss Around
LS103: Balancing A Checkbook - Even You Can Get It Right
LS104: Comprehending Credit Card Spending Limits And Financial Responsibility
LS105: Shopping - Doing It In Less Than 16 Hours
LS106: How To Go Fishing With Your Mate And Not Catch Pneumonia
LS107: Living Without Power Windows - How To Turn A Crank
LS108: How To Retain Your Composure While Your Husband Is Relaxing By Himself
LS109: You Too Can Carry A Backpack
LS110: Dress Like A Slut And Put On Something Sexy - Why It Won't Ruin Your
Brain
LS111: Attainable Goal - Catching A Ball Before It Stops Moving
LS112: How To Remain Femininely Enticing And Attractive After Menopause
LS113: How To Parallel Park
Sex Education:
SE101: Reasons To Give Head To Your Man
SE102: How To Stay Awake During Sex And Imagine That It Lasted For Over 10
Minutes
SE103: Fall Semester: You Can Use A Bed For More Than Just Sleep
Spring Semester: It's Okay To Do It Outside Of The Bedroom
SE104: How To Say "Yes" More Often
SE105: How To Say "No" But Really Mean "Yes"
SE106: Lingerie - The Gift That Keeps On Giving
SE107: Sexual Alternatives For "That Time Of The Month" (formerly called "Any
Old Port In A Storm")
SE108: Foreplay (not a required course, for extra credit only)
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 11 =--------------------------------------
And God Created The Woman
He was so pleased with his creation that he calls in three of his top advisors:
His chief Carpenter, His Chief Tailor, and His Chief Architect.
He presents his creation to his Chiefs and asks them for suggestions and
comments.
The Carpenter says:
"Too many forms, you need to straighten things out, flatten it out."
God replies, "No I like it that way, but thanks"
Then the Tailor says:
"Too many strings (hair) sticking out, you need to trim them."
God replies, "No I like it that way, but thanks"
Then the Architect says:
"Wonderful creation, absolutely superb, but next time, please do not place the
toilets next to the reception room"
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 12 =--------------------------------------
When God made man,
he made him out of string.
He had a little left,
so he left a little thing.
When God made woman,
he made her out of lace.
He didn't have enough,
so he left a little space.
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 13 =--------------------------------------
How To Translate Womenspeak
When She Says She Really Means
------------- ----------------
No. Yes.
Of course I'm not upset. Of course I'm upset, you moron!
I might as well tell you. Bob and I Bob and I are having sex.
are seeing each other.
I feel like I've known you my whole I'm drunk.
life.
Will you respect me in the morning? You won't tell your friends, will you?
I never do this on my first date. I always do this on my first date.
Don't touch me there. Touch me there, but I'm going to stop you
the first few times.
You're...so manly. You need to shave and you sweat a lot.
Hello? Oh yes. Didn't we meet at I've been waiting by the phone for three
the bar Friday night? days.
Let's not talk "commitment". Let's I'm not taking any birth control pills.
just see what happens.
You're certainly lovely tonight. Is sex all you ever think about?
I can't believe you're here. It must I've been following you all day.
be fate.
I'm particular about who I have sex I draw the line at barnyard animals.
with.
I'm not emotional and I'm not over- I'm having my period.
reacting.
Okay, but I hope you're not I'm flat chested.
disappointed.
Want to come upstairs for a nightcap? Want to come upstairs and have sex?
C'mon...just come upstairs for a Maybe if I get you drunk you'll have
drink. sex with me.
I love a man who takes charge. You're picking up the bill, aren't you?
Be romantic...turn out the lights. I have flabby thighs.
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 14 =--------------------------------------
A women described that one night, while she and her husband were making love,
she suddenly noticed something sticking in his ear. When she asked him what it
was he replied, "Be quiet, woman! I'm listening to the cricket."
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 15 =--------------------------------------
It's the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women with bad legs
should stick to long shirts because they cover a multitude of shins.
It's not the initial skirt length, it's the upcreep.
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 16 =--------------------------------------
An old woman saved a Fairy's life. To repay this, the Fairy promised to grant
the old woman three wishes.
For the first wish, the old lady asked to become young and beautiful. Poof!
She became young and beautiful.
For the second wish, the old lady asked to be richest woman in the world.
"Poof! She was the richest woman in the world.
For the last wish, she pointed at the cat she had kept for years. She asked
that he be turned into the most handsome man on earth. After all, he had been
her best friend for so many years. Poof! The Fairy turned the cat into the
most handsome man on earth.
The old lady and the Fairy said their goodbyes.
After the Fairy left, the handsome man (old cat) strolled over to her and
asked, "Now aren't you sorry you had me neutered?"
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 17 =--------------------------------------
A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all these stops
and starts get you pretty worn out?"
"It isn't the stops and starts that get on my nerves, it's the jerks."
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 18 =--------------------------------------
The women at one college called a would-be romeo a great natural athlete. He
makes every broad jump.
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 19 =--------------------------------------
In response to calls for sexual equity, Pillsbury recently added a new
Pillsbury Doughgirl character to the well known Doughboy. Unfortunately, she
couldn't come to work this week because she had a yeast infection.
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 20 =--------------------------------------
I don't think the leading feminist realized what she was saying when she told a
reporter, "As long as women are split like we are, men will remain on top."
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 21 =--------------------------------------
A woman needs only four animals in her life: a mink on her back, a jaguar in
her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass to pay for it all.
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 22 =--------------------------------------
An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same time. One
was named Edith; the other named Kate. They met, discovered they had the same
fiancee, and told him: "Get out of our lives you rascal. We'll teach you that
you can't have your Kate and Edith, too."
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 23 =--------------------------------------
Bangkok, Thailand
A member of the ruling junta who oversees Thai Airways International has
ordered the carrier to hire more-attractive stewardesses.
"We have received a lot of complaints that our air hostesses are not pretty
enough, too old and unsmiling," Air Chief Marshal Kaset Rojananil said.
In an interview published in "The Nation", the airline has been hiring too
many college-educated women, he said, adding, "Intelligent women tend not to be
good looking."
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 24 =--------------------------------------
A beggar walks up to a well-dressed woman who is shopping on Rodeo Drive and
said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 25 =--------------------------------------
Bischoff, one of the leading anatomists of Europe, thrived in the 1870s. He
carefully measured brain weights, and after many years' accumulation of much
data he observed that the average weight of a man's brain was 1350 grams, that
of a woman only 1250 grams. This at once, he argued, was infallible proof of
the mental superiority of men over women. Throughout his life, he defended this
hypothesis with the conviction of a zealot. Being the true scientist, he
specified in his will that his own brain be added to his impressive collection.
The postmortem examination elicited the interesting fact that his own brain
weighed only 1245 grams. - Scientific American [March 1992]
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 26 =--------------------------------------
Striking up a conversation with the attractive woman seated beside him on a
coast-to-coast flight, a would-be Romeo asked, "What kind of man are you
attracted to?"
"I've always been drawn to Native American men," she replied. "They're in
harmony with nature."
"I see," said the man, nodding.
"But, then, I really go for Jewish men who put women on a pedestal, and I can
rarely resist the way Southern gentlemen treat their ladies with respect."
"Please allow me to introduce myself," said the man. "My name is Tecumseh
Goldstein, but all my friends call me Bubba."
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 27 =--------------------------------------
A recent study has found that most women are wearing the wrong bra size. The
nation's average bra size has also been steadily increasing from 34B to 36C, on
its way up to a 38C.
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 28 =--------------------------------------
Top Ten Slogans For The Wonder Bra
10. Breakfast for Your Chest
9. The Quicker Picker-upper
8. The Bra Schwarzkopf Wore in Desert Storm!
7. Up, Up, and Away
6. As Seen on "The Golden Girls!"
5. You'll Never Need an Airbag Again!
4. Say Goodbye to Masking Tape and Staples
3. Does More Lifting and Separating Before 8 A.M. Than Most Bras Do All Day
2. Looks Great, More Filling
1. Leave it to Cleavage!
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 29 =--------------------------------------
A guy is outside in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son.
Every time the kite gets up in the air, it comes crashing down. After this goes
on for awhile, his wife sticks her head out the front door and yells, "You need
more tail."
The guy turns to his son and says, "Son, I never will understand women. I
just told her an hour ago I needed more tail, and she said to go fly a kite."
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 30 =--------------------------------------
There are ten very important men in a woman's life. They are:
Her Doctor; he says, "Take your clothes off."
Her Dentist; he says, "Open wide."
Her Veterinarian; he says, "And how is your little pussy doing today?"
Her Gardener; he says, "Do you want me to mulch your bush?"
Her Hairdresser; he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"
Her Interior Decorator; he says, "You'll like it once it's in."
Her Hunter; he goes deep into the bush, shoots several times, and always eats
what he shoots.
Her Remodeler; he says, "It fits tongue-in-groove with a little hammering."
Her Milkman; he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"
Her Banker; he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 31 =--------------------------------------
The bachelor who complained that the women he selected would not remain his
friend for more than a few weeks was told, "Your problem is that you are looking
for a particular kind of woman. You ought to be looking for the kind of woman
who is not particular."
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 32 =--------------------------------------
A lonely divorcee was driving home from work one evening when she saw a man
trying to hitch a ride. She picked him up and they got to talking.
"What do you do?" she asked him.
"I recently escaped from prison for having killed my wife."
"Oh, does that mean you are available?"
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 33 =--------------------------------------
Most accidents happen at home!
And the men have to eat them.
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 34 =--------------------------------------
(Reader advisory: sexist joke...)
An office manager was sent three secretaries, equally qualified, to fill one
vacancy. "Well," thought the manager, "I'll give them an honesty test to
determine which secretary to keep." To this end, he gave each secretary a money
bag to take and bank telling them that there was $50 in the bag. (In fact, he
had placed $100 in each bag; thus the honesty test.)
The first secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50
and returns the extra $50 to the manager.
The second secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks the
full $100, and returns with a deposit slip as proof.
The third secretary goes to the bank, discovers the extra money, banks $50,
goes to the local TAB and uses the $50 to win $300, then returns, explains to
the manager and gives him the all the money.
Question: Which secretary does the manager select to retain?
Answer: The one with the biggest tits!
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 35 =--------------------------------------
I think it was in Britain where a billboard advertising a car read:
"If this car was a woman, she'd get pinched in the butt."
Underneath which a graffiti read:
"If this woman was a car, she'd run you over."
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 36 =--------------------------------------
My wife gave me a lesson the other night on User Interface Problems, that really
points up some of the differences between the sexes. We were watching CNN's
Technology program they have on weekends, when a segment on Virtual Reality came
on. Looking at the all the wires and gadgets, she turned to me and said that
Virtual Reality would never catch on with women. I was puzzled by this, until
she explained, "Every womens first thought on seeing that helmet will be, 'I
can't wear that. It will mess up my hair!'"
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 37 =--------------------------------------
A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets
up from his seat. She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up
the customs of a patriarchial society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his
seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat.
A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again
and refuses to let him up.
Finally, the man says, "Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two
miles past my stop already."
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 38 =--------------------------------------
A few years ago, a male co-worker (call him John) decided to "officially become
a woman" with an operation soon to follow. I found this to be rather unusual and
kept trying to come up with reasons, some serious, some silly, why someone would
want to do this. Well, I found the silly ones to be rather amusing and made up
a top ten list with them.
Top Ten Reasons Why John Is Officially Becoming A Woman
10. Lower auto insurance premiums.
9. Easier to get job because of hiring quotas.
8. Cleaner restrooms.
7. Tired of boring men's fashions and wants something new and exciting.
6. Women live longer.
5. Can get easily picked up in bars.
4. Really likes the guy next door but knows that he is not gay.
3. Failed to make the _MEN'S_ U.S. Olympic Ski Team.
2. Wants to be an assistant to Clarence Thomas to find out if "it's really
true".
And the number 1 reason why John is officially becoming a woman:
1. PMS - An Incredible Sensory Experience!!!
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 39 =--------------------------------------
From the "Daily Collegian"
Trenton NJ - As any woman who's had to use the bathroom while attending
anything from the theater to a sporting event knows, the line for the ladies
room is overwhelmingly longer than that for the men.
But "potty parity" will be the law of the land in the Garden State if
Assemblyman Jeff Warsh has his way.
Warsh, R-Middlesex, introduced a bill yesterday requiring that the number of
women's toilets in some public places be more than twice that available for men.
Warsh cited a 1987-88 study done by Virginia Polytechnic Institute and State
University, which found it took women, on average, twice as long to use the
bathroom as men: almost 3 minutes for women, compared to 83.6 seconds for men.
"I think I'll get subjected to some ribbing, some plumbing humor," Warsh said
of his push for the bill, but he feels it is a matter of fairness.
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 40 =--------------------------------------
50 Facts About Women
1. Women love to shop. It is the one area of the world where they feel like
they're actually in control.
2. Women especially love a bargain. The question of "need" is irrelevant, so
don't bother pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.
3. Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in
the closet; you "just don't understand".
4. Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear
them.
5. Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to
trap you into feeling guilty.
6. Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill
it, even if they have nothing to say.
7. Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why
soap operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.
8. Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more
physical for men and more emotional for women. Just knowing that the man
*wants* to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.
9. Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's
a spider or a wasp involved.
10. Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they
don't view it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two or three
people.
11. Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to
gossip.
12. Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It
might be the lottery calling.
13. Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't
need toys if women had an "on/off" switch.
14. Women think all beer is the same.
15. Women keep three different shampoos and two different conditioners in the
shower. After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like a tropical rain
forest.
16. Women don't understand the appeal of sports. Men seek entertainment that
allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them
of how horrible things *could* be.
17. If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and
will wear some things twice; if a woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack
21 outfits because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.
18. Women brush their hair *before* bed.
19. Watch a woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about
how she'll be in bed.
20. Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.
21. Women are *never* wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, "It's
there in the Bible". Hmmm, who was it that gave Adam the apple?
22. Women do *not* know anything about cars. "Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?"
23. Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet.
Men just get a large bowl to share.
24. The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
would not be able to identify most of these items.
25. Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men
kick cats.
26. Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two
weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will
talk for three hours.
27. A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,
answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail.
28. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting
lost using a shortcut.
29. Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don't fall asleep
afterwards.
30. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'
31. PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means
that. PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.
32. The first naked man women see is "Ken".
33. Women are insecure about their weight, butt, and breast sizes.
34. Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn.
35. "Oh, nothing," has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it
does in man-language.
36. Lewis Carroll's Caterpillar had nothing on women.
37. Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the
direction that they are heading.
38. All women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it.
Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they
really have 5 pounds to gain.
39. If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can
probably start up a conversation by asking, "What did you do?"
40. Only women understand the reason for "guest towels" and the "good china".
41. Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into
the draft to cover the responsibilities that go with those rights. All women
seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the
trash, and picking up the check.
42. Only women understand the reason for "guest towels" and the "good china".
43. If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet
cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up
thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (which gets them in more
trouble)
44. Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a
flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they
"left the seat up" instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves.
45. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men
arrested.
46. Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to
the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to
Gilbert Gottfried, do you?
47. Women fake orgasm because men fake foreplay.
48. It's okay for women to dance with each other and not be gay, You don't see
straight men dancing together.
49. Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and
spend more time checking out other women. Men can never catch women
checking out other men; women will always catch men checking out other
women.
50. The most embarrissing thing for women is to find another woman wearing the
same dress at a formal party. You don't hear men say, "Oh-my-GOD, there's
another man wearing a black tux, get me outta here!"
- AJ Saqfalhait
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 41 =--------------------------------------
Pre-Menstrual Syndrome
Symptom Combinations You Don't Want To Have
Headaches and increased sex drive: Known as getting him all hot and bewildered.
Excessive domesticity and clumsiness: Whatever you do, don't dust the
knicknacks.
Sentimentality and extravagance: This is not the time to shop for Mother's Day.
Smell sensitivity and nausea: A hundred-foot distance from all Thai restaurants
is recommended.
Food binging and lack of coordination: It's hard to stuff your face when you
can't find it.
Ringing in ears and paranoia: No, it's NOT the IRS or that nerd from the health
club at the door.
Compulsive spending and insomnia: Fortunately, the twenty-four-hour shopper
probably can't get much of a wardrobe at 7-Eleven.
Nymphomania and poor judgement: The only thing worse than taking the
consequences is getting a call from one of them.
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 42 =--------------------------------------
Two elderly, invalid men are sitting in their wheelchairs on the porch of a
retirement home, the waning days of even their twilight years. One is shaking
the other vigorously, trying to wake him up, shouting, "Earnie! Wake Up! I've
finally figured it out! I understand women!"
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 43 =--------------------------------------
The Paradox Of Women
If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman. If you don't, you are not a man.
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying. If you don't, you are good for
nothing.
If you agree to all her likes, she is abused. If you don't, you are not
understanding.
If you make romance, you are an 'experienced man'. If you don't, you are half a
man.
If you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring. If you don't, she accuses
you of double crossing.
If you are well-dressed, she says you are a playboy. If you aren't, you are a
dull boy.
If you are jealous, she says it's bad. If you aren't, she thinks you do not love
her.
If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her. If you don't, she
thinks you do not like her.
If you are a minute late, she complains it is hard to wait. If she is late, she
says that's a girl's way.
If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel. If she is visited by
another, 'oh it's natural, we are girls'.
If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold. If you kiss her
too many, she yells that you are taking advantage.
If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics. If you do, she
thinks it's just one of the man's tactics.
If you stare at others, she accuses you of flirting. If she is stared by
others, she says that they are just admiring.
If you talk, she wants you to listen. If you listen, she wants you to talk.
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 44 =--------------------------------------
The following is from "Sacrifice in Greek Myths: I. Prometheus," Greek and
Egyptian Mythologies, compiled by Yves Bonnefoy (Chicago: The University of
Chicago Press, 1992), p. 123. It is intended as a serious, scholarly critique
written by a reputable French professor of Mythology. No offense is implied.
After all, it *is* a myth:
Pandora
Furious at seeing, among men, the fire that he had determined to withhold
from them, Zeus concocted a gift tailor-made for men. All the gods contributed
to the design of the gift, which was the counterpart, the reverse, of the stolen
fire: it would burn men, make them pine away, and do so not with flames but with
strain, trouble, and anxiety. This gift was Woman, named Pandora, "gift of all
the gods." She appears in the myth as the first woman and the ancestor of the
female species. Until that moment, men lived without women. They arose directly
out of the earth, which produced them all by herself, like crops. They knew
nothing of birth by begetting nor of the old age and death that went along with
it. They disappeared into a state of peace similar to sleep, still just as
young as they were in the first days of their lives.
The Woman was man's double and his opposite. The male was going to have to
plow her to hide his seed within her womb if he wanted to have children, just as
he had to till the earth to hide the grain within it if he wanted to have wheat,
and just as he had to hide the seed of fire in the hollow of a fennel stalk if
he wanted to kindle it on the altar. So Zeus molded this Woman as a lure, a deep
trap from which there was no escape.
On the outside, she looked like an immortal goddess; irresistible grace and
charm radiated from her beauty. On the inside, along with lying and deceit,
Hermes inserted the soul of a bitch and the temperament of a thief. Divine in
looks, human in speech and in her role as legitimate wife and mother, bestial in
her insatiable appetites for sex and food, the appetites of a bitch, Woman
summed up in her person all the contrasting elements of what it means to be
human. She was evil, but a likable evil clothed in stirring beauty, a "kakon
kalon," the kind of evil one can neither do without nor endure. If you marry
her, her belly eats you out of house and home and lands you in poverty in your
own lifetime. But if you do not marry and lack a female belly to receive your
seed and nurture the embryo, you have no children to carry on your line, and as
you cross the threshold of death, you are all alone.
With Woman, good and evil, like the divine and the bestial, are merged and
confused.
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 45 =--------------------------------------
BITCH: Beautiful, Intelligent, Talented, Charming, Horny
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 46 =--------------------------------------
An English professor wrote the words "Woman without her man is a savage" on
the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is a savage."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is a savage."
-= women jokes and sexist humor =-= 47 =--------------------------------------
The Last 10 Things Any Woman Would Ever Say
10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
9. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6. Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just
too cute.
5. This diamond is way too big.
4. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
3. Wow, it really is 14 inches!
2. Does this make my butt look too small?
1. I'm wrong, you must be right again.
================================================================================
== RIDDLES ABOUT WOMEN =========================================================
-= riddles about women =-= 1 =-----------------------------------------------
How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
That's not funny, OKAY!?!
or
Two. One to change the light bulb and one to suck my dick.
or
Three. One to do it and the others to consider unscrewing it before it's a
third of the way in.
or
Four. One to do it and the rest to consider the sexual implications.
or
Five. One to change the bulb, one to complain that the bulb is violating the
socket, one to secretly wish she were the socket, one to secretly wish she were
the bulb, while the last one gets all charged up and turned on watching the
others.
or
Six. One to change it and five to wring their hands and agonize about how
oppressed the socket is.
or
Seventy. One to change it while the others make a 69.
Why did it take 4 women with PMS to change a light bulb?
It just did okay!!!!!
-= riddles about women =-= 2 =-----------------------------------------------
Why won't feminists use Unix?
There aren't any woman pages.
-= riddles about women =-= 3 =-----------------------------------------------
How do you know if a ship is being captained by a feminist?
If the ship starts to sink, she shouts out, "Women the lifeboats!!" and then she
orders all of the ship's toilet seats nailed down to stop any incoming water.
-= riddles about women =-= 4 =-----------------------------------------------
How many men does it take to wallpaper a feminist's house?
Only four if you slice them thin enough.
-= riddles about women =-= 5 =-----------------------------------------------
Why did God create lesbians?
So feminists wouldn't breed.
-= riddles about women =-= 6 =-----------------------------------------------
How do you know God isn't a woman?
If God were a woman, cum would taste like chocolate!
-= riddles about women =-= 7 =-----------------------------------------------
Why did God give woman nipples?
To make suckers out of men.
-= riddles about women =-= 8 =-----------------------------------------------
What is a Femi-nazi?
A women that won't sleep with Rush Limbutt.
-= riddles about women =-= 9 =-----------------------------------------------
What's easier to make: a snowman or a snowwoman?
A snowman is easier to make, 'cause with a snowwoman you have to hollow out the
head and pack all that extra snow into balls to make her large breasts!
-= riddles about women =-= 10 =-----------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a pitbull dog and a PMS woman?
Lipstick.
-= riddles about women =-= 11 =-----------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a terrorist and a PMS woman?
You can negotiate with the terrorist.
-= riddles about women =-= 12 =-----------------------------------------------
How can you tell which bottle contains the PMS medicine?
It's the one with bite marks on the cap.
-= riddles about women =-= 13 =-----------------------------------------------
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
-= riddles about women =-= 14 =-----------------------------------------------
Why did the woman cross the road?
Who cares? What the hell was she doing out of the kitchen?!!
-= riddles about women =-= 15 =-----------------------------------------------
Why can't Helen Keller drive?
She's a woman.
-= riddles about women =-= 16 =-----------------------------------------------
How do you blind a woman?
Put a windshield in front of her face.
-= riddles about women =-= 17 =-----------------------------------------------
How many men does it take to do the washing?
None, it's a woman's job.
How many men does it take to clean a toilet?
None. That's women's work!
-= riddles about women =-= 18 =-----------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 5 drinks.
-= riddles about women =-= 19 =-----------------------------------------------
What is worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
-= riddles about women =-= 20 =-----------------------------------------------
Don't be sexist. Broads hate that.
-= riddles about women =-= 21 =-----------------------------------------------
What is the the fleshy mass surrounding the vagina called?
The woman.
-= riddles about women =-= 22 =-----------------------------------------------
Why do women change their minds so often?
To keep them clean.
-= riddles about women =-= 23 =-----------------------------------------------
Why do women pay so much attention to their appearance than to improving their
minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
-= riddles about women =-= 24 =-----------------------------------------------
Why do women play with their hair at traffic lights?
Because they don't have any balls to scratch.
or
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning?
Because they don't have any balls to scratch.
-= riddles about women =-= 25 =-----------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a computer and a woman?
A computer will not laugh at a three-and-a-half-inch floppy.
-= riddles about women =-= 26 =-----------------------------------------------
How can a woman tell if she is having a super orgasm?
Her husband wakes up.
-= riddles about women =-= 27 =-----------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
-= riddles about women =-= 28 =-----------------------------------------------
When don't most women ever tell their husbands when they're really enjoying sex?
Because their husbands are never there when it happens!
-= riddles about women =-= 29 =-----------------------------------------------
Besides "I love you", what three words does a wife want to hear most?
"I'll fix it."
-= riddles about women =-= 30 =-----------------------------------------------
Marriage for women has its ups and downs. How?
The toilet seat is up and the hubby's sex interest is down.
-= riddles about women =-= 31 =-----------------------------------------------
Why are some women beginning to like work better than sex?
More perks, and the payoff is better.
-= riddles about women =-= 32 =-----------------------------------------------
What is six inches long, two inches wide, has a head on it, and women are crazy
for it?
Money!!!
-= riddles about women =-= 33 =-----------------------------------------------
What happens if a woman puts her panties on backwards?
She gets her ass chewed out.
-= riddles about women =-= 34 =-----------------------------------------------
Why does a woman close her eyes when she's having sex?
Because no woman ever wants to see a man enjoying himself!
-= riddles about women =-= 35 =-----------------------------------------------
How does the single woman get rid of roaches?
She asks them for a commitment.
-= riddles about women =-= 36 =-----------------------------------------------
What do you do if your dishwasher stops working?
Slap the bitch.
-= riddles about women =-= 37 =-----------------------------------------------
Why do women live longer than men?
Someone has to stick around and clean up after them.
================================================================================
== QUOTES AND ONE-LINERS ABOUT WOMEN ===========================================
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 1 =---------------------------------
Women truly are better than men. Otherwise, they'd be intolerable. - Ed Abbey
In everything but brains and brawn, women are vastly superior to men. - Ed Abbey
Girls, like flowers, bloom but once. But once is enough. - Edward Abbey
Women who love only women may have a good point. - Edward Abbey
Women: We cannot love them all. But we must try. - Edward Abbey
The feminists have a legitimate grievance. But so does everyone else. - Edward
Abbey
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 2 =---------------------------------
Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a
yak. - Woody Allen
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 3 =---------------------------------
Woman: A creature whom a man can't get along with or without. Animal usually
living in the vicinity of man, and having a rudimentary susceptibility to
domestication. - Ambrose Bierce
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 4 =---------------------------------
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. - Dumas
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 5 =---------------------------------
Women! You can't live with them, you can't do most positions without them.
- Dan Fielding (from the "Night Court" television series)
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 6 =---------------------------------
The great question... Which I have not been able to answer...is, "What does a
woman want?" - Freud
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 7 =---------------------------------
Women are one of the Almighty's enigmas to prove to men that He knows more than
they do. - Ellen Glasglow
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 8 =---------------------------------
Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely given them
little. - Dr. Johnson
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 9 =---------------------------------
Being a woman is of special interest to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual
women it is simply a good excuse not to play football. - Fran Lebowitz
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 10 =---------------------------------
It's so hard for women, even nice women, to realize that their bodies are not
irresistible. - Philip Marlowe "The Big Sleep" (1939) a novel by Raymond
Chandler
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 11 =---------------------------------
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women. -
Groucho Marx
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 12 =---------------------------------
Men always want to please women, but these last 15 years, women have been hard
to please. If you want to resist the feminist movement, the simple way to do it
is to give them what they want and they'll defeat themselves. Today, you've got
endless women in their 20s and 30s who don't know if they want to be a mother,
have lunch, or be secretary of state. - actor Jack Nicholson, sharing his
analysis of the "battle between the sexes"
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 13 =---------------------------------
There are a number of mechanical devices that increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief amongst these is the Mercedes-Benz 380L
Convertible. - P.J. O'Rourke
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 14 =---------------------------------
Did you know that woman speaks eighteen languages? ... And can't say 'no' in
any of them. - Dorothy Parker
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 15 =---------------------------------
Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy
Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash. - Emo Phillips
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 16 =---------------------------------
A woman is like a dresser; some man always goin' through her drawers. - Blind
Lemon Pledge
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 17 =---------------------------------
Feminism: A socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to
leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy
capitalism and become lesbians. - Pat Robertson
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 18 =---------------------------------
If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would suggest he go
shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only fair to warn you that of
the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966, only two went back to women. - Mort
Sahl
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 19 =---------------------------------
Women's magazines always seem to me to be instructing aliens on how to act like
women. It's as though the people reading know nothing: what to wear at a picnic,
what to eat when you get to the picnic. It's for pods who want to impersonate
humans. On the other hand, there's very little advice in men's magazines,
because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to
learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
- comic Jerry Seinfeld, in Esquire
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 20 =---------------------------------
I think that maybe if women and children were in charge, we would get somewhere.
- James Thurber
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 21 =---------------------------------
Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of women.
They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their handbags are full.
- Earl Wilson
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 22 =---------------------------------
A lady is a woman who never shows her underwear unintentionally.
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 23 =---------------------------------
A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad; an optimist hopes they are.
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 24 =---------------------------------
A man uses guns, knives, and explosives to get what he wants, but a woman has
some very special weapons of her own.
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 25 =---------------------------------
Being a woman is quite difficult since it consists mainly of dealing with men.
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 26 =---------------------------------
By the time you know a woman like a book, you're too old to start a library.
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 27 =---------------------------------
Feminists are okay, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 28 =---------------------------------
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 29 =---------------------------------
Never argue with a woman when she's tired...or when she's rested.
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 30 =---------------------------------
One of the ironies of life is that it's usually the warm girls, not the cold
ones, who get the fur coats.
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 31 =---------------------------------
Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 32 =---------------------------------
Women do not snore, fart, or belch; therefore, they must bitch or else they will
blow up.
-= quotes and one-liners about women =-= 33 =---------------------------------
Women who think they are the equal of men, lack ambition.
================================================================================
== RELATIONSHIPS ===============================================================
-= relationships =-= 1 =-----------------------------------------------------
Murphy's Laws On Love and Sex
"Don't worry. I've had a vasectomy/hysterectomy."
"I won't come in your mouth, I promise."
"I'm not really married."
"It's only a cold sore."
"Looks aren't important to me. I like you for your personality."
"Size isn't important."
"This won't hurt, I promise."
"We don't have to go all the way, we'll just lie here and hold each other."
"We'll always be together."
A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
A man in the house is worth two in the street.
A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't.
Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
All the good ones are taken.
Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant
Do it only with the best.
Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.
Fornication: Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.
If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space
program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
If the person isn't taken, there's a reason (corollary to the above law)
If you can't stand his mother and he can't stand yours, then you're bound to get
married.
If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody in the
whole wide world, don't trust him; it means he experiments.
It is always the wrong time of month.
It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the
trouble in the garden.
Love comes in spurts.
Love is a hole in the heart.
Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Love thy neighbor, but don't get caught.
Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
Never argue with a women when she's tired, or rested.
Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
Never say no.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
Nice guys finish last.
No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll
never be quite the same again.
No sex with anyone in the same office.
Nobody is ugly after 2 A.M.
Nothing improves with age.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
People to whom you are attracted invariably think you remind them of someone
else.
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
Sex has no calories.
Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to
convey its full meaning.
Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.
Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how
long it is going to last.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are
unimportant.
Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
Sow your wild oats on Saturday night; then on Sunday, pray for crop failure.
The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much
you love them.
The best things in the world are free, and worth every penny of it.
The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be delayed in the mail
long enough for you to make a fool of yourself in person.
The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her
with no hard feelings.
The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.
The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she
can't stand years later.
The younger the better.
There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But
there is nothing exactly like it.
Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless in the mood.
Virginity can be cured.
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him,
and vice versa...
When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
You will always fall in love and marry someone with the opposite body
temperature.
and Murphy's number one law on love and sex: Don't fuck with Mrs. Murphy!!!!
-= relationships =-= 2 =-----------------------------------------------------
Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should
live next door and just visit now and then. - Katherine Hepburn
-= relationships =-= 3 =-----------------------------------------------------
Clearly it is not the lovelorn sufferer who seeks solace in chocolate, but
rather the chocolate-deprived individual, who, desperate, seeks in mere love a
pale approximation of bittersweet euphoria.
- Sandra Boynton "Chocolate - The Consuming Passion"
-= relationships =-= 4 =-----------------------------------------------------
The 9 Types of Relationships
(from Matt Groening's very funny "Love Is Hell" 1985 Pantheon Books; buy it!)
Woman + Wimpy
She: "How many times have I told you not to cringe?"
He: "312?"
Advantages: Symbiotic; plus maybe she'll get laryngitis and shut up.
Drawbacks: Permanent laryngitis unlikely.
Brute + Jumpy
He: "Me and her get along just fine."
She: "I think I'll have a little drink now."
Advantages: Won't last.
Drawbacks: Next relationship will be just the same.
Look-Gooders
He: "Ciao, darlin."
She: (kiss noise)
Advantages: These young professionals look great together.
Drawbacks: They couldn't care less about each other.
Sourballs vs. The World
He: "Can you believe this garbage on TV?"
She: "Goddamned re-runs."
Advantages: Smug cheerlessness.
Drawbacks: Cheerless smugness.
I'm With Stupid X 2
He: "Where's the beef?"
She: "Tee Hee Hee"
Advantages: They know oodles of jokes.
Drawbacks: They will tell them.
Mr. And Mrs. Boredom
He: "Honeybuns, do you ever wonder if maybe there's more to life than the two of
us just sitting here night after night?"
She: "Nope."
Advantages: Warm, comfy, snoozy.
Drawbacks: Insipid nicknames.
Jolly Jugular Jabbers
He: "I love that little idiot, ha ha. Heh heh."
She: "He's not as stupid as he looks, ho ho. Hee hee."
Advantages: Smiles galore.
Drawbacks: Cruel nicknames.
Cobra + Mongoose
He: "Grrrr"
She: "Grrrr"
Advantages: The thrill of victory.
Drawbacks: The agony of a toaster hurled at your face.
Love Bunnies
He: "I wuv you"
She: "I wuv you too"
Advantages: Bliss, intimacy, joy, satisfaction, fulfillment.
Drawbacks: Sickening, isn't it?
-= relationships =-= 5 =-----------------------------------------------------
The 9 Types of Boyfriends
(from Matt Groening's very funny "Love Is Hell" 1985 Pantheon Books; buy it!)
Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg,
Snugglepup.
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts.
Drawbacks: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy.
Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay home
and watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover,
Jerk.
Advantages: Stays put; predictable.
Drawbacks: Royal pain in the ass.
Flinchy - "I...I'm sorry. For whatever it was I did."
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you.
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled.
Drawbacks: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle.
Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb.
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled.
Drawbacks: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig.
Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict.
Advantages: Well rested; easy target.
Drawbacks: Unlikely to fulfill your dreams.
The Sneak - "Who, me?"
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch.
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt.
Drawbacks: May be having time of his life.
Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels,
OK?"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster.
Advantages: Perpetually aroused.
Drawbacks: Perpetually aroused.
The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how, but -"
Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool.
Advantages: Tells good stories.
Drawbacks: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus".
Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed
weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy.
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer.
Drawbacks: Hunted to extinction.
-= relationships =-= 6 =-----------------------------------------------------
The 9 Types of Girlfriends
(from Matt Groening's very funny "Love Is Hell" 1985 Pantheon Books; buy it!)
Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have"
Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat.
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly.
Drawbacks: May wise up someday.
Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a
bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell.
Advantages: Pays attention to you.
Drawbacks: Screeches, throws frying pans.
Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite."
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy.
Advantages: Predictable.
Drawbacks: Contagious.
The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut.
Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes Mom.
Advantages: Often right.
Drawbacks: Often right, but so what?
Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career,
goals, home, and hair color?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey.
Advantages: Easily soothed.
Drawbacks: Even more easily perturbed.
Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna
front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out.
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys.
Drawbacks: Unreliable; drives off cliffs.
Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at"
Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg,
Snarly.
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you.
Drawbacks: You will have no friends.
Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel
about our relationship."
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic.
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable.
Drawbacks: Will read her poetry aloud.
Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome
genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now."
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous.
Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited.
Drawbacks: Will have nothing to do with you.
-= relationships =-= 7 =-----------------------------------------------------
When it comes to human sexuality, men are like microwave ovens and women are
crockpots.
-= relationships =-= 8 =-----------------------------------------------------
The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female
increases by exponential progression when he is already in the company of: (1) a
date, (2) his wife, (3) a better looking and richer male friend.
-= relationships =-= 9 =-----------------------------------------------------
Simply Put...Women Speak In Estrogen And Men Listen In Testosterone...
Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have proof! After
countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have
emerged.
Relationships:
First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship - he refers
to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular basis".
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her
girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then she
will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up,
at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let
you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and
you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for
us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, that
99% if all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer
courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove
effective.
Admitting Mistakes:
Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he
was wrong was General George Custer.
Bathrooms:
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number
of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to
identify most of these items.
Most men take only 2-3 minutes to relieve themselves. Women's Restrooms
always have long lines.
Cameras:
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of
the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women
purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better
pictures.
Cats:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men
kick cats.
Cheerleaders:
Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American. Male
cheerleaders are scary.
Comedy:
Let's say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television,
and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very
excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of
Curly, man's favorite Stooge. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait
it out.
David Letterman:
Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the Earth.
Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.
Directions:
If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings,
she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a
sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive
in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, "Looks like I've found
a new way to get there." and, "I know I'm in the general neighborhood. I
recognize that 7-11 store."
Dressing Up:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,
answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings,
funerals.
Eating out:
When the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20 bills,
even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and
none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their check,
out come the pocket calculators.
Garages:
Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use
garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in
garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.
Going Out:
When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a
woman says she is ready to go out, it means she **will** be ready to go out, as
soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup...
Groceries:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys
these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a
lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks
good. By the time a man reached the checkout counter, his cart is packed
tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will
not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane.
Handwriting:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-
scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with
circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their "p's" and
"g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping
you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
Hats:
Women look good in hats; men look like idiots.
Jewelry:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one
ring and that's it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer
named Vic.
Laundry:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of
clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years
ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will
wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul, and take his mountain of
clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the
laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by re-runs of old episodes of "Love,
American Style."
Leg Warmers:
Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the dog or doing the
dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants.
A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the "Gimme the Ball"
number in "A Chorus Line."
Locker Rooms:
In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women.
They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they
think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one
thing in the locker room, sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are
extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.
Low Blows:
Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the
boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must have hurt."
The man groans and doubles over, and actually *feels* the pain.
Magazines:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines
also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a
beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be
seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's
body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.
Maturity:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can function as
adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each
other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.
Menopause:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated
emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of
these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform
reaction; he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving
gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.
Mirrors:
Men are vain; they will always check themselves out in a mirror. Women are
ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors,
spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiola's head.
Moustaches:
Some men look good with moustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt
Reynolds. There are no women who look good with moustaches.
Movies:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is
because most movies in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The
only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is
another reason why men hate him.
For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh
for the first time in "Gone With the Wind". For men, it's when Jimmy Cagney
shoves grapefruit in May Clark's face in "Public Enemy".
Nicknames:
With the exception of female body builders, who call each other names like
"Ultimate Pecs" and "Big Turk," women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria,
Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other
Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle. But if Mike, Dave, Rob, and Jack go out
for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head,
Godzilla, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.
Offspring:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods
and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short
people living in the house.
Plants:
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man
waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment
full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.
Politics:
Men love to talk politics, but often they forget to do political things such
as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedy's is growing
up and getting into politics because they will be able to campaign for them and
cry on election night.
Restrooms:
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as
social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Women
who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And
never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant
table by saying, "Hey, Bob, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to
join me?"
This difference may be due to the fact that women don't have to hold their
genitals in the bathroom, which might make one feel self-conscious. Not having
this problem, women can chat away quite comfortably while "powdering their
noses". And yes, they are talking about men in their chats.
Another theory is that when women "powder their noses", all they have to do
is sit there. What else is there for them to do but talk to other women. Men,
however, must be much more attentive to such matters. If a male turns too much
to talk to someone, he'll be leaking on his shoe. Men must be very serious and
patient because heaven only knows if the stream of urine will suddenly change
direction. And after all is done, men must try to remove any excess moisture
unless he soils his underwear. And unlike women, there is no tissue paper nearby
with which to wipe. A man must use his own skills at "towel snapping" to do the
job. But no man wants to shake it forever because he might look like he's
playing with himself. The shaking routine also varies culturally as most men in
the U.K. are 'pullers' as opposed to 'shakers'. Of course, no matter how much a
man shakes or pulls, chances are still good that he'll get that little dribble
down the leg, which will expand to the size of Lake Ontario if he is wearing
synthetics. After the shaking or pulling comes the tucking-it-all-back-in
routine, where the male tries to not leave anything delicate in the path of the
approaching zipper. As the men are all leaving the restroom, trying to button
up their Levi's, they are still trying not to look as if they're playing with
themselves. For a man, a trip to the bathroom is a very serious matter. You
wouldn't gossip and chatter at a board meeting would you?
For the male, there are also the considerations like seeing how far up the
trough he can pee, bombing the cigarette butt, peeling off the killer fart that
he didn't want to loose off at the bar and, his favorite, making that grunt/sigh
noise as the first gush lets go, sort of a "Nnnngwwwwwaaaaa". Actually, that's
about the time the first fart goes too.
Richard Gere:
Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate
Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health
club and dates only married women.
Madonna:
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
Sex:
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of
foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
Shoes:
When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip
on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks.
When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later
she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear the
same pair of shoes all day.
Socks:
Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. Women wear
strange socks. Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that have pictures of
clouds on them, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
Sports Arenas:
Simply put, men can always find their way around stadiums and arenas. The
women usually end up following men.
Telephone:
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to
send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two
weeks , and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will
talk for three hours.
Toys:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or
12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they
get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical.
Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's, car phones, complicated juicers
and blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots that serve cocktails on command,
video games, anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries
to operate. However, the only toys women still keep around when they grow up
still require batteries, only few in number and smaller in size.
Underwear:
Colored underwear. Women are allowed, in fact encouraged, to wear colored
underwear. There is no reason for a man to ever, ever, wear anything besides
solid white.
Weddings:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men talk
about "the bachelor party".
-= relationships =-= 10 =-----------------------------------------------------
Matrimony Made Easy
This is not a joke. And "How to Marry the Man of Your Choice" (Matrimonial
Press Report) is not a jokebook. At $95, this 167-page textbook, written by
Margaret Kent, an attorney from Key Biscayne, Florida, is subtitled "The
Marriage Manual for Single Women." It tells us, "This book will teach you how
to determine what a man really wants in a wife... Consider all men living
laboratories and test the results for yourself... Start with lesser men for
training." For those of you who can't afford the 95 bucks (never mind the $1295
for the course the book accompanies), here are a few things women don't tell
men.
On Appearance
Excessive use of perfume makes a woman less desirable. Perfumes are
manufactured from fragrances of herbs, flowers, and other substances that are
put into some medium that is strong enough to hold the odor. That medium is
often ambergris...a secretion from the intestines of the sperm whale. In other
words, you and your man may smell the odor of whale puke instead of enjoying the
fragrance of flowers or herbs.
Cleanliness is especially important. If a woman uses enough soap and has
that clean, fresh look that a recent shower gives, she could wear a potato sack
and still be desirable for her male.
T-shirts are great. It doesn't take much male imagination to know that in
less than five seconds, they are off over your head.
Food particles between the teeth, especially the front teeth, are highly
undesirable.
On Dating
If you need to pass gas (fart), excuse yourself from his presence. Try not
to destroy illusions by unpleasant odors. If you need to pass gas, face him.
If you must chew gum and smoke, do not do both at the same time.
Eat the food on your plate only. Leave his food for him.
Be a bitch, not a nag... Bitchy females get the men.
Don't pay much attention to the anger your man expresses before dinner. He
is hungry and everything bothers him.
Gourmet cooking is not required for most men. However, most women would do
better in attracting a man if they devoted a fraction of the time they spent in
learning bedroom techniques to learning kitchen techniques.
On Sex
Never deny sex, because that dooms any ideas of his marrying you.
Don't expect him to sleep on crumpled or wet sheets. If necessary, you should
sleep on the wet spot.
Do not ridicule the size of his penis or make unfavorable comparisons to
other males.
If you are overweight, it may be best if you avoid pressing down on him when
you are on top.
A typical male will lay almost any female if there are no repercussions.
Always play it safe sexually by consenting only to acts that are generally
acceptable. Place the burden of deviation upon him.
One step you can take to enhance a sexual encounter is to evoke some anger in
your male, but not furor, before sex.
After sex, the male is exhausted and has no immediate need of you as a
female... After intercourse, the man will have little energy left. Be prepared
to revive him with coffee, sweets, and appetizing snacks.
If the relationship continues to be nonsexual after an extended period of
time, the man may not be normal.
If a man suffers from premature ejaculation, just make him prolong
satisfaction slightly so he holds out an extra moment. Let us say it takes him
a minute to satisfy... Bet him that the next time you have sex, he will satisfy
in a minute and a half.
Prepare yourself emotionally for the sex act by fancying yourself in the
presence of a surrogate partner you have longed for in the past. If you have
fired up your imagination to a climactic state, your man can easily satisfy
you.
Virginity is looked upon favorably by some religious fanatics, recent
immigrants from tradition-bound societies, and men who have never had sex. The
typical male views virginity in the mature female as a curse, not a blessing.
If an adult woman tells her male that she is a virgin, he is likely to wonder
why no man has wanted her before.
On Things Women Know About Men
Men love to tell their stories! They love to tell about themselves to a
point that they become boring.
Anticipation conditions a conventional male, who was on the losing side of
the revolution, into believing he will receive something of great value in the
initial and subsequent sexual acts.
If we tell our males at six P.M. that we are lovely, they may have the
mental energy to fight off this idea... If your male is particularly tired and
exhausted, he is especially susceptible to your suggestions. His exhaustion is
especially useful for implanting the ideas of your worth, especially that you
are lovely, good, desirable, and would be the perfect wife.
-= relationships =-= 11 =-----------------------------------------------------
Little Kids Talk About Love
Concerning why love happens between two particular people...
One of the people has freckles and so he finds somebody else who has freckles
too. - Andrew, age 6
No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how
you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular. - Mae, age 9
I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest
of it isn't supposed to be so painful. - Manuel, age 8
On what falling in love is like...
Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life. - John, age 9
If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do
it. It takes too long. - Glenn, age 7
On the role of beauty and handsomeness in love...
If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it
doesn't hurt to be beautiful. - Anita C., age 8
It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything
and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet. - Brian, age 7
Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time. - Christine,
age 9
Reflections on the nature of love...
Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good
too. - Greg, age 8
How do people in love typically behave?
Mooshy...like puppy dogs...except puppy dogs don't wag their tails nearly as
much. - Arnold, age 10
All of a sudden, the people get movie fever so they can sit together in the
dark. - Sherm, age 8
Concerning why lovers often hold hands...
They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good
money for them. - Gavin, age 8
They are just practicing for when they might have to walk down the aisle
someday and do the holy matchimony thing. - John, age 9
Confidential opinions about love...
I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Dinosaurs' is on
television. - Jill, age 6
Love is foolish...but I still might try it sometime. - Floyd, age 9
Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place... We were behind a tree. -
Carey, age 7
Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to
hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me. - Dave, age 8
I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough.
- Regina, age 10
The personal qualities you need to have in order to be a good lover...
Sensitivity don't hurt. - Robbie, age 8
One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons
of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills. - Ava, age 8
Some surefire ways to make a person fall in love with you...
Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores. - Del, age 6
Yell out that you love them at the top of your lungs...and don't worry if
their parents are right there. - Manuel, age 8
Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention,
but attention ain't the same thing as love. - Alonzo, age 9
One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes
to eat. French fries usually works for me. - Bart, age 9
How can you tell if two adults eating dinner at a restaurant are in love?
Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in
love. - Bobby, age 9
Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold...
Other people care more about the food. - Bart, age 9
Romantic adults usually are all dressed up, so if they are just wearing jeans
it might mean they used to go out or they just broke up. - Sarah, age 9
See if the man has lipstick on his face. - Sandra, age 7
It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to
order those because it's just like how their hearts are, on fire. - Christine,
age 9
Titles of the love ballads you can sing to your beloved...
'How Do I Love Thee When You're Always Picking Your Nose?' - Arnold, age 10
'You Are My Darling Even Though You Also Know My Sister.' - Larry, age 8
'I Love Hamburgers, I Like You!' - Eddie, age 6
'I Am in Love with You Most of the Time, but Don't Bother Me When I'm with My
Friends.' - Bob, age 9
'Hey, Baby, I Don't like Girls but I'm Willing to Forget You Are One!' -
Will, age 7
What most people are thinking when they say "I love you"...
The person is thinking 'Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers
at least once a day.' - Michelle, age 9
Some lovers might be real nervous, so they are glad that they finally got it
out and said it and now they can go eat. - Dick, age 7
How was kissing invented?
I know one reason that kissing was created. It makes you feel warm all over,
and they didn't always have electric heat or fireplaces or even stoves in their
houses. - Gina, age 8
How a person learns to kiss...
You can have a big rehearsal with your Barbie and Ken dolls. - Julia, age 7
You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you.
- Brian, age 7
It might help to watch soap operas all day. - Carin, age 9
When is it okay to kiss someone?
When they're rich. - Pam, age 7
It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's
why I stopped doing it. - Tammy, age 10
If it's your mother, you can kiss her anytime. But if it's a new person, you
have to ask permission. - Roger, age 6
How to make love endure...
Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work. - Dick, age 7
Don't forget your wife's name. That will mess up the love. - Erin, age 8
Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the
trash. - Dave, age 8
Don't say you love somebody and then change your mind. Love isn't like
picking what movie you want to watch. - Natalie, age 9
A youngster's explanation of what mixed emotions mean when love ceases...
It's like watching the school burn down when your new catcher's mitt is in your
desk. - Steven, age 11
-= relationships =-= 12 =-----------------------------------------------------
The Rules (*)
For those of you who don't already know, these are the rules that are in effect
in every relationship.
1. The female always makes the rules.
2. These rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. No male can possibly know all the rules.
4. If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules, she must
immediately change some or all of the rules.
5. The female is never wrong.
6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a vagrant misunderstanding which
was a direct result of something the male said or did wrong.
7. If rule number 6 applies, the male must immediately apologize for causing
the misunderstanding.
8. The female can change her mind at any given point in time.
9. The male must never change his mind without express written consent of the
female.
10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be
angry or upset.
12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether she wants
him to be calm, angry or upset.
13. Any attempt to document these rules could result in bodily harm.
14. The female always gets the last word!
(*) These rules are subject to change as the female sees fit. All rules are
null and void under the PMS Exception Law
-= relationships =-= 13 =-----------------------------------------------------
Is It Love Or Infatuation?
By Ann Landers
Infatuation is instant desire, one set of glands calling to another.
Love is friendship that has caught fire. It takes root and grows, one day at
a time.
Infatuation is marked by a feeling of insecurity. You are excited and eager,
but not genuinely happy. There are nagging doubts, unanswered questions, little
bits and pieces about your beloved that you would just as soon not examine too
closely. It might spoil the dream.
Love is the quiet understanding and mature acceptance of imperfection. It is
real. It gives you strength and grows beyond you, to bolster your beloved. You
are warmed by their presence, even when they are away. Miles do not separate
you. You have so many wonderful little films in your head that you keep
replaying. But near or far, you know they are yours, and you can wait.
Infatuation says, "We must get married right away. I can't risk losing them."
Love says, "Be patient. Don't panic. Plan your future with confidence."
Infatuation has an element of sexual excitement. Whenever you are together,
you hope it will end in intimacy.
Love is not based on sex. It is the maturation of friendship, which makes
sex so much sweeter. You must be friends before you can be lovers.
Infatuation lacks confidence. When they're away, you wonder if they're
cheating. Sometimes, you check.
Love means trust. You are calm, secure and unthreatened. They feel your
trust, and it makes them even more trustworthy.
Infatuation might lead you to do things you will regret, but love never
steers you in the wrong direction.
Love is an upper. It makes you feel whole. It completes the circle. It
fills the empty space in your heart. Love is elevating. It lifts you up. It
makes you look up. It makes you think up. It makes you a better person than
you were before. If you have love in your life, it can make up for a great many
things you don't have. If there is no love in your life, whatever else there is
has a lot less meaning.
-= relationships =-= 14 =-----------------------------------------------------
O'Riordan's Theorem:
Brains x Beauty = Constant
Purmal's Corollary:
As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity, availability goes to zero.
-= relationships =-= 15 =-----------------------------------------------------
Son, all the beautiful, intelligent, healthy young women are taken. It's a basic
law of the universe, and if you don't like it, go somewhere else. - Ken
Johnson's (krj@festival.ed.ac.uk) dad, 1906-1992
-= relationships =-= 16 =-----------------------------------------------------
If life were fair, the acquisition of a large bosom or a massive inheritance
would have no bearing on your ability to attract the opposite sex, and Dan
Quayle would be making a living asking runny-nosed children, "Do you want fries
with that?" - John Cleese
-= relationships =-= 17 =-----------------------------------------------------
Many a relationship could be thrown a curve ball if women always told the
truth in bed. Imagine the revelation...
She: Get off of me, will ya!!
He: Whatsa matter, am I hurting you?
She: No, you're not hurting me, you're annoying me. You think you could hurt
me with THAT?!?
-= relationships =-= 18 =-----------------------------------------------------
This couple has been dating for about four months, but the guy had been
afraid of making any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.
Finally, he gets up his courage and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.
While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.
"No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."
-= relationships =-= 19 =-----------------------------------------------------
"So you think you could end all unemployment, do you?" asked the interviewer.
"And how, if I may be so bold to inquire?"
"Why, I'd put all the men on one island and all the women on another."
replied Paddy.
"And what would they be doing then?"
"Building boats!"
-= relationships =-= 20 =-----------------------------------------------------
How To Locate Studs
The most secure way to attach just about anything to a wall is to fasten it
to the studs. To find framing members buried behind a drywall or plaster
surface, try one or a combination of these strategies. Start your search in the
center of a wall, because studs there are uniformly spaced. Once you've located
one, measure 16 inches in each direction and see if you can verify more studs.
Look For Visual Clues. Baseboards (but not shoe moldings) are typically
nailed into studs, and electrical receptacles are usually attached to one side
of a stud or the other, which you can check by removing the cover.
Bore A Small Hole And Probe. Feed a stiff wire, such as a straightened coat
hanger, into th cavity and probe to one side. When it stops at a stud, bend the
wire at the hole, withdraw it, and use it as a gauge to mark the stud's location
on the face of the wall.
Use An Electronic Stud Finder. Move one of these inexpensive devices along a
wall and it will sense the difference in density between where the wall is
backed by a stud and where there is empty space. This is the easiest and most
accurate way to locate studs.
(excerpted from "The Stanley Complete Step-By-Step Book Of Home Repair And
Improvement", page 147)
provided as a public service to the female dating community. ;-)
-= relationships =-= 21 =-----------------------------------------------------
Woman-To-Woman Chat
Hey girls, never date a guy who always wears tight jeans. You should figure
that if he can wear tight jeans and still be comfortable, he doesn't have
anything in them that would interest you.
Also, since I started dating, I have followed one of my mother's quaint old
sayings: "Don't pick that up! You don't know where it's been!"
I also plan on writing a screenplay about the men I've been out with, and
call it "Dances With Wolves".
-= relationships =-= 22 =-----------------------------------------------------
Why is going to a singles bar like being a matador?
You have to dodge a lot of bull.
-= relationships =-= 23 =-----------------------------------------------------
What is the difference between a singles bar and a circus?
At the circus, the clowns don't talk.
-= relationships =-= 24 =-----------------------------------------------------
Women don't make passes
at men who are asses.
-= relationships =-= 25 =-----------------------------------------------------
Men are sometimes more suspicious and distrustful of their mates in a
relationship than women. This distrust may have its origins very early in life
during the circumcision when the doctor leans over and says, "This won't hurt a
bit, I promise!"
-= relationships =-= 26 =-----------------------------------------------------
My girlfriend and I were in a restaurant and this strikingly attractive woman
in a short black dress walked by.
My eyes couldn't help but follow her as she passed by our table.
The girlfriend glared at me and snapped, "So, do you want to date her??"
To which I stuttered, "Ummmm...1968, perhaps?"
-= relationships =-= 27 =-----------------------------------------------------
If you want to know why they are called the 'opposite sex', express an opinion!
-= relationships =-= 28 =-----------------------------------------------------
There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered:
entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates
with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest
suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment
can be reduced proportionately. When the affection is the entertainment, we no
longer call it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be omitted. - Miss
Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behaviour
-= relationships =-= 29 =-----------------------------------------------------
The Orange County Register (California newspaper) had an article entitled "Dates
from Hell". It featured letters from various people about their experiences.
Here are a few (names deleted):
The Restaurant Tirade
My date and I were drinking coffee and eating ice cream in a restaurant. I
was enjoying his extravagant compliments when I saw a snarling woman walk up
behind him.
She addressed him for all to hear and he spun around. He made hasty,
embarrassed introductions. "Does your friend know you're engaged to be
married?" she yelled. "How would you like it if I pulled her long hair out by
the roots?" she threatened. Her tirade went on for 30 minutes.
You may wonder why I let it go on for so long. Well, when you're a senior
citizen, you don't get this kind of excitement.
Shopping at Sears
I was not impressed when my date showed up in 100 percent polyester,
including outdated bell-bottoms that were checkered and much too short,
revealing white socks and slip-on, non-leather shoes.
His car didn't look much better. I've never made it a point to ask guys what
kind of car they drive, but it's worth knowing if a car is safe to ride in. His
definitely wasn't. It was a huge, old "boat"-style car, rusted out and sporting
a crack in the windshield. Beneath my feet was a factory recall notice from
1968.
As we journeyed on, my only hope was that he would make it safely to the
restaurant he had chosen for me, one of his favorites, he said. He pulled into
the parking lot of a place known for its "blue plate specials" and rubbery
quiche.
After that he treated me to a free concert, but we agreed the band was pretty
bad. He suggested we continue the evening by shopping at Sears for a bicycle he
had seen in a sale flier.
The Short-of-Change Artist
My date asked me to go with him and some friends to a Raiders game on one of
those bus package deals... The bus provided free beer in cans and he wanted me
to smuggle several cans into the coliseum. I gave him my jacket and said he
could take the responsibility for smuggling.
After the game, we emerged to a parking lot of about 10,000 buses that looked
alike. All 10,000 had their motors running, and we began walking through the
fumes looking for our bus. As we walked we came upon dozens of beer-filled men
relieving themselves against the tires of the closely parked buses.
Then, one by one, those buses pulled away without us. Finally, it was just
me and my date in a dark parking lot in a strange neighborhood. We walked
across the street to a liquor store, where he went to the men's room again.
Then he called a cab and I had to pay the $26 fare because he had no money.
Less than Fine Dining
At 5-foot-10 and 250 pounds, my date panted heavily after walking eight
blocks to the restaurant. It was a sports bar filled with shouting, swearing,
drinking men watching a Lakers-Celtics game.
In the middle of eating our dinner, a fight erupted at the next table. Food
flew in the air and tables were turned over. It took several bouncers to end
the fight, which left one man with torn clothing and a broken nose.
My date seemed oblivious to the surroundings and couldn't understand why I
wasn't eating. I told him I felt sick and needed some air. I needed a long
walk to recover from the evening.
The Laundry List of Losers
A miserable date? Just one?
1. The man who claimed his sense of humor was his greatest asset and
demonstrated it by doing Groucho Marx imitations all through dinner at a fancy
restaurant.
2. The man who said he saw a "daddy" when he looked in the mirror and asked
(on the first and only date) if I was ovulating.
3. The man who demanded a list of the "specific skills and strengths" that I
could bring to a relationship, as well as an analysis of the "self-destructive
patterns" that caused my divorce.
4. The man whose first words were "I'm sorry, I've got to concentrate on
getting well tonight" and who spent most of the evening stuffing Vicks Vaporub
up his nose.
Self-realization and Sushi
After attending a religious ceremony at my date's "self-realization temple"
and eating a sushi dinner, we returned to my apartment for poetry reading. He
had found many scraps of paper buried in his battered car, which he admitted to
sleeping in often. He insisted on reading all of them in his most dramatic
voice.
After I had a few glasses of wine during his reading, I had the courage to
show him some of my poetry. He read one or two, tossed them aside and said,
"I'll reserve judgement on these."
He then began a lengthy tirade on the artistic soul and how it can feel any
emotion, whether it be male or female.
Then he wanted to select different music. He started going through my albums
because, he said, they were better than the tapes, which were made from those
very same albums. He became very upset when I told him the turntable didn't
work. He told me that I should take better care of my things. This harassment
from a guy who sleeps in his car?
I finally got him out of my apartment after fighting off more than just a
first-date kiss.
-= relationships =-= 30 =-----------------------------------------------------
Ways To Get Rid Of Blind Dates (And Other Social Catastrophes)
At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the
impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.
Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance
them in a tower on your table.
Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.
Repeat every third third word you say say.
Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your high school
yearbook.
Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are
talking about.
Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and
make airplane sounds.
Order a bucket of lard.
Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues
that use linen tablecloths.
Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are female.
Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about
themselves.
Sacrifice French fries to the great deity, Pomme.
When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they
do.
Drool.
Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.
Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of
you.
Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask
for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal.
When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What in the hell took you so
long in the restroom?!?"
Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.
Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.
Beg your date to tattoo your name on his/her derriere. Keep bringing the subject
up.
Ask your date how much money they have with them.
Order for your date. Order something nasty.
Communicate in mime the entire evening.
Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you
have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to
the wall. Act nervous.
Lick your plate. Offer to lick his/hers.
Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers,
silverware, floral arrangements... I.e anything on the table that isn't
bolted down.
Hold a debate. Take both sides.
Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.
Auction your date off for silverware.
Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the
potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never
got". When the waiter returns with another potato for you, have the first
one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.
Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.
Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and use good
judgement in editing to twist their words around.
Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber language, or just
nonsense).
Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a
spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Insist that they
just need airing out.
If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite.
Bring 20 or so candles you, and during the meal get up and arrange them around
the table in a circle. Chant.
Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to your
invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding
her.
Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee, and fill the
thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free refills.
Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In a similar vein,
insist that he take a bite of everything on the plate, to make sure no one
poisoned it.
Accuse your date of espionage.
Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.
Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.
Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to pay the bill.
Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.
Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've brought along.
Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.
Make sure your entire outfit was purchased at the Clemson University Bookstore.
The colors orange and purple are proven aphrodisiacs. (for elephants, whales,
and hippos!)
Quote Beavis & Butthead...especially in reference to how your date would like to
be pleased.
Listen to violent music before going out. Recite all the expletives during your
meal.
After kissing him/her, explain that you're doing a study on the spread of
mononucleosis.
Shoot hoops with shrimp into his/her wine glass.
Show up with make-up on ninety percent of your body, all lipstick, especially if
you're male.
Dominate the conversation. Every time your date opens his mouth, interrupt and
start a new conversation.
Belch. Rate yourself.
Complain of the effects of the acid you dropped before the meal.
Comment that the table would look simply marvelous with a severed head as a
centerpiece.
As you food arrives, mention how long it's been since you last ate raw meat.
Count your contraceptives.
Stroke your thigh while commenting how much you can't wait until the meal is
over.
Yawn. Don't cover your mouth. Roar.
When the meal is done and the question arises of whether to go someplace else,
politely decline saying that you have had your fill of bad taste for the
night.
-= relationships =-= 31 =-----------------------------------------------------
Reasons Dates Have Given For Standing Someone Up
I showed up early and decided I just didn't feel like going out after all, so I
went home before you arrived.
My dog died.
My neighbor's bird died, and I had to console my neighbor.
I figured that probably wasn't your real picture, so I didn't bother coming
over.
I overslept.
I took the wrong freeway exit and got lost, and after 40 minutes, I gave up,
turned around, and went home.
I know I said I'd be at home at 8:00 P.M., but I went out to a movie at 6:00
P.M. and had such a good time out after meeting some friends at the movie that
I forgot all about our date and went out to dinner with them.
I had the address, but forgot which city you lived in.
Yesterday was the last day of my vacation, so I went two-stepping and ran into
my ex there, and we fell in love again during a slow dance, so I can't date you
any more, but I'd still like us to be friends.
My roommate overdosed and I had to take him to the emergency room.
-= relationships =-= 32 =-----------------------------------------------------
Excerpt from a magazine article on the origins of the kiss (source unknown):
The kiss as we know it today was invented by medieval knights for the purpose
of determining whether their wives had been tapping the "mead barrel" (drinking
liquor) while they were away on crusades." According to the book "A Kiss is
Just a Kiss" by Bruce Velick.
The stodgy Victorians frowned on almost anything that involved bodily
contact. Social kissing was considered unacceptable behavior in both England
and the United States during this era.
In Poland, a kiss on the hand was considered a sign of rebellion during 40
years of Communist rule.
Today, social kissing carries different meanings for different cultures. By
and large, of course, it is still a gesture of greeting. "Every culture has to
have a greeting ceremony," Tiger says, adding that animals have similar rituals.
Male chimpanzees, for instance, touch each other's testicles in greeting.
-= relationships =-= 33 =-----------------------------------------------------
Romantic Moments
Our lips touched....
Then she crossed her legs and broke my glasses.
We spent most of the night together and I felt sad to go. I said goodbye for
the 50th time and slowly walked outside to get in my car and go home, this is
when I found out that my car had been towed.
I ran my fingers slowly down the crack of her ass. She shuddered and then said
angrily, "Don't you dare touch MY donkey again!"
I chased her up the tree, and kissed her between the limbs.
-= relationships =-= 34 =-----------------------------------------------------
Girl Talk
The Franklin Factor: Early to bed and early to rise means it's time to meet more
guys.
The Rat Race: If there's one rat in a room full of nice men, he'll hit on you
first.
The Eyeglass Prescription: Don't wear your glasses on a blind date. You'll look
better, and he will too.
The Ring Rule: A watched telephone never rings.
The Creep Call: Never pick up the phone on Saturday night. It's a call from a
creep you told you were busy.
The Fishing Forecast: They say there are lots of good fish in the sea. But who
wants to go out with a fish?
The Psychological Prognosis: Love is a form of temporary insanity curable by
marriage.
The Rope Trick: Give a man enough rope and he'll lasso another woman.
Mind Over Matter: No one ever falls in love with another person's mind at a
cocktail party.
The Fault Finder: The faster way to discover all your bad habits is to move in
with your lover.
The Unintended Result: 1) Men's desire for sex sometimes results in intimacy;
1a) Men often go looking for sex and end up finding love; 2) Women's desire for
intimacy often results in sex; 2a) Women often go looking for love and end up
finding only sex.
The Rabbit Rule: Only newlyweds and liars make love every day.
The Dangle Doctrine: You can't keep a good man down.
Twain's Truth: Familarity breeds children.
The Fertility Factor: Women are only fertile a few days each month, unless
they're single.
The Preparation Predicament: The longer you spend in the bathroom preparing for
sex, the more likely he's fallen asleep by the time you're ready.
-= relationships =-= 35 =-----------------------------------------------------
In June 1994, the Phoenix, Arizona "New Times" published an unidentified man's
detailed list of pros and cons about his two girlfriends, Brenda and Dominique,
that had been accidentally discarded in a magazine pocket on an Air Reno flight
and which the newspaper obtained. Despite Brenda's "Wealthy" and "Nice cars"
versus Dominique's "Chipping teeth" and "Cuts me down", Dominique appeared to
have the upper hand on the list, which was scrawled out on bookkeeping ledger
sheets. Dominique had 18 pros and cons, versus Brenda's 15 and 22, respectively,
and "I love her" appeared No. 3 on Dominique but only No. 15 under Brenda.
Besides, Brenda's No. 9 con is "She's married." ("Brenda" and "Dominique" are
pseudonyms supplied by "New Times".)
-= relationships =-= 36 =-----------------------------------------------------
Answers To 5 Of The Toughest Questions Women Ask
There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to an
article in last April's issue of Sassy magazine. The five questions are:
1) What are you thinking?
2) Do you love me?
3) Do I look fat?
4) Do you think she is prettier than me?
5) What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode
into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which
is to say dishonestly. For example:
1) "What are you thinking?"
The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been
pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring,
thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to
have met you."
Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was
really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a. Baseball
b. Football
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you.
e. How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came
from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If
I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:
2) "Do you love me?"
The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need
to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include:
a. I suppose so.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c. That depends on what you mean by "love".
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?
3) "Do I look fat?"
The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically
state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers
include:
a. I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b. Compared to what?
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
4) "Do you think she's prettier than me?"
The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were
starring at so hard thay you almost cause a traffic accident, or an actress in a
movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much
prettier." Wrong answers include:
a. Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b. I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c. Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d. Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
5) "What would you do if I died?"
Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would
cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front
tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the
stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such
a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of couse not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly."And would you let her wear my old clothes?
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and
replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her
play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."
-= relationships =-= 37 =-----------------------------------------------------
A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled and asked what was wrong.
"Ohhh, it's my girlfriend."
"Oh yeah? What's the problem?"
"When I asked her if she could learn to love me," he said, "she asked me how
much I was willing to spend on her education."
-= relationships =-= 38 =-----------------------------------------------------
Two girls are having coffee when one notices that the other girl seems
troubled and asks her, "Is something bugging you? You look anxious."
"Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and life savings in the stock
market," she explained.
"Oh, that's too bad," the other girl sympathized. "I'm sure you're feeling
sorry for him."
"Yeah, I am," she said. "He'll miss me."
-= relationships =-= 39 =-----------------------------------------------------
Things Not To Do While Waiting For Your Date At Her Parents' House
10. Sniff the air and say it smells like a bordello.
9. Repeatedly zip and unzip your fly.
8. Go into a lengthy story about how you had Mexican food last night and ask
if you can use the bathroom.
7. Mention that 'Mr Happy' is primed and ready.
6. Ask what time you should return your date tomorrow morning.
5. Recite a couple of bawdy limericks.
4. Ask the mom and dad what position they were in when they conceived their
daughter.
3. Scratch your crotch and say your herpes is acting up again.
2. Pretend to eat your arm.
1. Ask the dad if you can borrow a couple of condoms.
-= relationships =-= 40 =-----------------------------------------------------
Top Ten Ways A Computer Nerd Can Impress His Date
10. Flash the big wads of tens and twenties you created with your color laser
printer and top-notch graphics program.
9. Spend an evening playing floppy disks backward, listening for the secret
messages about Satan.
8. Invite her back to your place to show her the etchings on your Newton
MessagePad.
7. Let the lady go first when you reach the virtual reality escalator.
6. Serenade her with your MIDI-compatible drum pads.
5. Have your dinner illuminated by the soft glow of an active-matrix LCD panel.
4. If you're getting serious, consider a set of "his 'n' her" system unit keys.
3. Drive her crazy by murmuring tender love words with the help of a
French-speaking voice synthesizer.
2. Never type on your date's laptop computer without permission, particularly
if the system is on her lap.
1. When things get tough, simply ask yourself, "What would Bill Gates do in a
situation like this?
-= relationships =-= 41 =-----------------------------------------------------
I'm Not Bitter Quiz-o-Rama
By Bart Schorsch (schorsch@plains.nodak.edu)
As many of you know, through recent events, I am a single man, once again. Since
my last few affairs of the heart have been flops (in much the same way as the
Titanic was a little flop), I have decided that in the future I shall be
screening all of my future dates with this highly scientific quiz. Enclosed is
a quiz I shall hand out to any future dates. Also, I'm not bitter.
Instructions: Please answer each question as honestly as possible. Bart will
grade your responses and get back to you.
1) A woman's place is in the:
a) House (or Senate)
b) Bedroom
c) Office
d) Sitting in a deep dark cellar plotting to cut a man's entrails out and
leave it as food for wild jackals
2) When singing in the shower, I will most likely sing:
a) "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park"
b) "Material Girl"
c) "I Touch Myself"
d) Theme from "Psycho"
3) The perfect Christmas gift is:
a) Expensive perfume or intimate evening wear
b) Flowers, a backrub, bubble bath, and a hand-written love sonnet
c) Six-pack of Bud, Domino's Pizza, and an evening of QVC
d) Whips, knives and red-hot irons
4) A woman's hairstyle should:
a) Gently accentuate her best features
b) Not resemble a poodle
c) Hide the lobotomy scars
d) Cover the little "666" on the back of the skull and not reveal the demon-
horns
5) My personal role-model is:
a) Hillary Clinton
b) Ruth Bader-Ginsberg
c) Daisy Duke
d) Lorena Bobbit
6) When it comes to cars, I:
a) Take good care of my car and change my oil regularly.
b) [giggle] What's oil?
c) Think fuzzy dice are _cool_!
d) Want a Mercedes... NOW!
7) If you man wants to date me, he must also like my:
a) Family
b) Pet rock
c) Therapist
d) Furniture
8) I have a subscription to:
a) Newsweek and the Wall Street Journal
b) Analog and Rolling Stone
c) National Enquirer and T.V. Guide
d) Weekly Reader
9) I want to have ___ children.
a) Any number, as long as they are healthy
b) Some
c) Your
d) Well-dressed
10) My list of favorite authors include:
a) William Shakespeare
b) Maya Angelou
c) Chairman Mao
d) Marquis DeSade
11) A romantic evening is best spent:
a) Before a roaring fire
b) Having a candle-lit dinner
c) Country line dancing
d) Shopping
12) I want to date a(n):
a) Lawyer
b) Engineer
c) Crew-chief at the local JuffyLube
d) Anyone who owns a shoe store
13) I really admire:
a) My parents, for bringing me up right
b) My teachers, for teaching me about life
c) The makers of Velveeta
d) Zsa Zsa Gabor
14) What attracted me most to you (physically) is/are your:
a) Massive chest
b) Tight buns
c) Tattoo collection
d) Credit cards
15) What attracted me most to you (mentally) is/are your:
a) Sparkling wit
b) Open mind
c) Deep understanding of power tools
d) Huh?
16) I really get turned on when you:
a) Are with me
b) Kiss my neck
c) Imitate Beavis and Butt-Head
d) Do the dishes
17) I can't live without:
a) The support of friends
b) Oxygen
c) Entertainment Tonight
d) Makeup
18) If you were really depressed, I would:
a) Listen to your problems
b) Rub your back
c) Get you drunk
d) Laugh
19) My favorite television programs are:
a) NYPD Blue and Home Improvement
b) MST3K, Roseanne, and Star Trek: TNG
c) This Week In Monster Truck Racing and AmericaUs Most Wanted
d) Lifestyles of the Cruel and Unusual
20) My favorite pig out food is:
a) Low-fat yogurt
b) Haagen Dasz
c) Gummi worms
d) A man's still quivering heart
21) A man should know where I keep my:
a) House keys
b) Erogenous zones
c) Ear-wax remover
d) Guns
22) I would rather die a slow painful death than:
a) Betray a confidence
b) Betray my country
c) Miss "Wheel of Fortune"
d) Spend one more minute with you
23) The most hellish,vile place on Earth is:
a) Bosnia-Herzegovina
b) Texas
c) Anyplace with less than 40 channels of cable
d) Your bedroom
24) The one phrase I would love to hear is:
a) "Congratulations, Madame President"
b) "Ohmygod, that is the winning lottery ticket!"
c) "Wow! I've never seen a woman spit tobacco that far!"
d) "What we can't figure out is how the arsenic got in his food in the first
place."
25) If a man was to propose to me, I would:
a) Cry
b) Call my mother
c) Be pregnant
d) Giggle uncontrollably
Please write a 300 word essay on the theme: "A Woman's Role In the
Relationship: Helpmate or Saboteur"
Please attach references, a current picture, and a blood sample.
-= relationships =-= 42 =-----------------------------------------------------
I was talking to my landlord one day. He is one of my fraternity brothers
(alumni). He was talking about an interesting thing that happened years ago.
The story is as follows.
His friend was involved in a disastrous relationship with a girl. She was
screwing around behind his back. She wanted him to feel worthless one night. She
desided to hook up with the first guy she could find. She ended up with a
football player. She started to give him a blow job and requested that he take
a picture of her sucking his dick. He did what she asked. Later that week, she
sent the photo of her and this guy to our hero in this story. He did become
pissed, and he got back at her brilliantly.
He sent the photo to her parents.
-= relationships =-= 43 =-----------------------------------------------------
The following comments are those of Bill Hall who is a syndicated humor
columnist for the Lewiston Morning Tribune in Lewiston, Idaho.
Who Says Women Aren't Different?
I don't care what anybody says. In my age group, there are still several
major differences between men and women beyond the obvious ones. I'll leave
others to fret over whether those differences are natural or primarily a
consequence of conditioning, but differences do exist. They do not necessarily
indicate male supremacy, but they do tend to tilt one in that direction.
Consider bathing, for instance. As a general rule, middle-aged women take
baths at night. The men shower each morning. The men like to go to bed dirty
and go to work clean. Women prefer to go to bed clean and to work dirty. That's
why men usually take their coffee breaks with other men.
Women read more boring magazines than men. They read silly, pedestrian
magazines filled with articles on making quilts, turning bleach bottles into
stunning centerpieces, the use of orange eyeshadow and how to get men to shower
before going to bed instead of before going to work.
Men read sensible, intellectual journals on how to catch fish and kill little
animals.
When a man cooks, he keeps his knives sharp. Most female cooks don't.
Indeed, most female cooks don't even own a decent kitchen knife, let alone a
sharp one.
Female cooks offer the excuse that they would cut themselves if they had a
sharp knife. And anyone with knives that lousy probably would.
There is another difference between male and female cooks. Female cooks
generally cook better with dull knives than male cooks do with sharp knives.
That's how infuriating female cooks can be.
Most women in my age group wear dresses occasionally. Only a few of my male
friends do and then only in the privacy of their own homes.
The women hobble around on high-heeled shoes. Most men would never do
anything that silly. In fact, there is a name for the kind of men who wear high
heels. They are called cowboys.
Women laugh at men for wearing neckties and coats on 100-degree summer days.
They snicker at men for wearing more clothes than necessary in hot weather.
However, the women who do that are sweating in their pantyhose.
Most women in my age group wear make-up. Very few of the men do. There is a
name for men who wear make-up. They are called weird cowboys.
Women are far more likely to be lousy tippers in restaurants, and to complain
thereafter that men always get better service than they do.
Women fold their underwear. Most men merely stuff their underwear into the
drawer. Men use the time they save to catch fish and kill little animals.
Most women, when lost, will stop and ask directions. Most men in my age
group believe admitting you're lost will cast doubt on your manhood. That's why
so many macho men are lost. Smarter men prove their manhood by stopping and
asking women for directions, even when they aren't lost.
There is another big difference between men and women in my age group. A
competent man tends to rise through the ranks so easily that he eventually
reaches a level where he is incompetent. Dr. Laurence J. Peter has dubbed this
process the Peter Principle.
Women in my age group tend to be held below the level of their competence,
making them embarrassing to work with because they tend to outshine male
colleagues at the same level.
This is known as the Pain-in-the-Neck Principle. Incompetent men who have
been subjected to that humiliation retaliate by refusing to promote women. And
rightly so. You don't want people in the board room who don't shower each
morning.
Copyright (C) 1983 by Lewiston Morning Tribune
-= relationships =-= 44 =-----------------------------------------------------
The Craft Of Intimacy
From an unknown net author
There is no truth that, in passing through awareness, does not lie. But one
runs after it all the same. - Jacques Lacan
Man makes plans, God laughs. - the Koran
For a moment, when we are born, we are open, brilliant, faithful, living our
most essential nature. Over time, through the common suffering of life, from
having all too human parents with all too human limitations, from the simple
friction between the natural and social, we begin to withdraw. We hide the
essential parts of ourselves and present those which get us love and approval,
or at least which limit the pain we face. The issues and details vary, the
intensity of the fall may be different. Each of us fills our emptiness with a
different dream. However, no one remains the pure open-hearted child, unafraid
of life, curious about experience.
We become separated from ourselves, we hide from each other, and we guard
ourselves from the world. The innocent intimacy of a child with it's mother,
the wonder brought by the first taste of strawberries is finally replaced by the
sophistication and cynical cool (or passionate fear) of anything we can not
control. All inner work, whether in the context of psychotherapy or in the
countless spiritual traditions, seeks in one way or another to address the state
of separation, the tear in the essential fabric, the loss of faith in the
natural support of the world and the compassion and generosity of those we spend
our lives with.
The challenges and knowledge and skills required to become ourselves are no
different than the challenges of love or marriage or the raising of children.
Over time, you come to see that your life is your life; that who we are is a
beginning point for who we become. We do not become different. We become
ourselves. Without some taste of ourselves to begin with, we are lost when we
seek intimacy, we are lost when we fall in love.
We want to be loved, we want to love and have that love returned in kind. We
hold as true two mutually exclusive beliefs. First, that we deserve the love we
want, the love objects we crave; in exchange for our simply being 'ourselves' or
more accurately, what we imagine ourselves to be. It is an entitlement, a God-
given inalienable right. Second, the modern equivalent of original sin, that
love is always just out of reach, never quite deserved, never quite earned.
That however hard we try, the profound peace of love will elude us.
The thesis here is that all too little care goes into understanding the
realities of romantic love, that the actuality of love is obscured by the mythos
that surrounds love in this culture. Further, that a clear understanding of
these realities will lead to changes in our vision, beliefs, values and
behavior.
The conventional and stereotypical notions held by both men and women
regarding what it is to be a man or a woman, regarding relationship, intimacy,
sex, and marriage, reinforced by childhood experience, social mores, mass media,
and simple ignorance are often dysfunctional and unrealistic. There is no pre-
existing one-size-fits-all ready to wear pattern for being an authentic person,
for being a 'real' man or woman, for living a satisfying life, for romantic
love, or for intimacy. These must be discovered, uniquely crafted by each
individual and by each couple according to their own nature, their own view,
their own vision of life and love.
People, all people, are unique. In their fundamental humanness, men and women
are no different. They must be discovered, explored, cherished for who they are.
They blossom when treated with respect, curiosity, and compassion. For those
people willing and able to sacrifice their fixed ideas and preconceptions, their
egotism be that egotism in the form of grandiosity or in self denial; love and
intimacy are inevitable.
To explore this broad domain requires insights on two related domains. The
first relates to the externalities and include the population dynamics, the
ethnology, biology, ethology, cultural values, mechanics, strategies, wiles,
appearance, resources, etc., related to finding a lover, and to creating and
sustaining love.
The second can be framed in a variety of ways. What does love objectively
require? As distinct from infantile fantasy and adolescent narcissistic dreams,
what does it take to become the kind of person capable of offering, creating,
sustaining and accepting love, intimacy, pleasure, openness...capable of living
with passion and an open heart in the world of form complete with TV
commercials, traffic jams, beautiful sunrises, and dreadful politicians?
These two issues are inextricably linked. In part by the nature of life on
this planet. Partly because however conscious one is (that is: emotionally,
psychologically, intellectually and spiritually developed) one becomes less than
enlightened where survival, reproduction, and pleasure cross paths. This is the
realm where desire flames highest, where instinct and society are inherently at
odds. A lost promised land of priceless wonder.
Those who triumph, compute at their headquarters a great number of factors prior
to a challenge. - Sun Tzu
Happiness is the maximum agreement of desire and reality. - Stalin
An ethnological study has recently been published where the mate selection
criteria in 37 cultures in 33 countries were analyzed. They were virtually
identical from the aboriginal deserts of Australia to the Brazilian coastal
plains. As in this culture, generally, men choose the women who are youngest
and prettiest. One can hypothesize that these are as proxy for assessing
fertility (see also: Darwin, 1871; Williams, 1975; Davenport,1977).
Women prefer men who have high status. They prefer potential mates to be
somewhat older, have the best financial prospects, be ambitious and industrious.
Presumably, these are as proxy for a guarantee of economic support, safety and
security for woman and potential offspring. The observation that females prefer
mates bearing greater gifts, holding better territories, or displaying higher
rank, which has been confirmed in many non-human species, now has been extended
to humans. The study's findings represent no great surprise, aside perhaps that
being so universal these are likely biologically driven breeding criteria
arrived at through evolutionary natural selection which have become embodied and
exaggerated as societal norms and cultural biases.
Those men and women who remain single much beyond their exit from school are
often alone for some good reason. This may be a result or by-product of: seeking
a higher level of accomplishment; perfecting one's self or one's art; true
genius; having more demanding standards for who they wish to be intimate with
than can be satisfied by the available population; having developmental goals
that required longer latency periods; needing professional training or
education; and simple preference. For whatever reason, they are left over from
the mating/matching process through some combination of conscious and
unconscious elements.
Equally, they may be single as the result of unresolved psychological issues
or a failure in emotional development which have damaged the pair-formation
mechanism. Lacking self-esteem, traumatic or painful life experience, a
dysfunctional family background, phobia, incapacity, disability or any of these
can be crippling. Likewise, their universe of possible mates may be
unrealistically limited due to cultural, biologically or psychologically driven
preferences. The parent-offspring bond in any species (in humans, the object-
relationship formed with the parent of the opposite sex) may in adult life lead
to 'bond-confusion' when the particular characteristics of the individual parent
are taken as more than an imprint as to which species an individual is to mate
with in later life (getting it right clearly a priority of evolutionary design).
Interference with the sexual pair-bonding process, stemming from a persistent
parental image can lead to a particular mate-selection which, in all other
aspects, is highly unsuitable. Conversely, an otherwise thoroughly compatible
mate can fail to achieve a full relationship because he or she lacks certain
trivial but key characteristics of the partner's parent. ("My father would
never do that." "But I'm not your father." - Desmond Morris)
Any combination of these making pair-formation and intimacy impossible,
unappealing or threatening. That is, absent change, they may be terminally
single.
Love, love, love; all the wretched cant of it, masking egotism, lust, masochism,
fantasy under a mythology of sentimental postures, a welter of self-induced
miseries and joys, blinding and masking the essential personalities in the
frozen gestures of courtship, in the kissing and the dating, and the desire, the
compliments and the quarrels which vivify its barrenness. - Germaine Greer
I call them rock bimbos. They don't really work, they just go to tanning salons
and clubs in miniskirts and thigh-highs and live for being able to say, "My
boyfriends in the band." - Christina Applegate
When you learn to distinguish between the container and the contents, you will
have attained wisdom. Idries Shah
To take a closer look we must shift our gaze deeper. 'The young and the
restless' have a decided preference for those of like temperament, that is
narcissistic, self-centered, hedonistic, materialistic, and ideally hot,
beautiful, and a bit nasty. Likewise, modern urban professionals have a limiting
preference for those of their own class. That is, those who have relatively
predictable life courses, are great for playing sports with, having a good
yuppie time, warming the bed without hearing when the heavenly choir sings, when
the 'I' dissolves in the moment, and where discrete identity is both irrelevant
and distracting.
Consequently, if one is with a lover who is egotistical, narcissistic,
without essential substance; such a relationship is prophylaxis against having
to love. One need not cross own's own internal Rubicon, where the 'other'
matters to the point of bringing up all the desperately yucky stuff like fear of
abandonment, wondering idiotically what the other thinks, that panicky phase of
realizing (falsely), that the other now carries the seed pearl of your very
existence. While this is perhaps only a reflection from a limited perspective
it is tremendously frightening to those with identity and investment in being
some 'I' in particular, as opposed to riding the wind and playing it as it lays.
The structure of inner life, the sense of 'self', of 'I'ness, derives first
and foremost from the child's relationship with its mother. This becomes what
is thought of as 'normal', the standard, the baseline for who we are, what love
is. Against which mean the rest of life is judged. Love is often confused for
transference. The present is recast in the mold of the past. Incongruities are
whacked off and people tailor themselves (collude) to make each other,
literally, feel at home. Conversely, in intimate relationship, the greatest
growth and the greatest risk comes when love spills over the boundary of that
structure and becomes a new ground for being and experience.
If you look at where people flip out with each other, it's where they find
themselves 'out of control', made aliens to themselves by love. The reality, of
course, is that they have stepped behind the Potemkin village of their own
identity and can see at least some of the wide open and entirely undeveloped
heart land.
Know the other and know yourself
One hundred challenges without danger
Know not the other and yet know yourself
One triumph for one defeat
Know not the other and know not yourself
Every challenge is certain peril
- Sun Tzu
There is an interesting paradox that the people who are possessed of abundant
marketing appeal, who have a talent for acquiring lovers often for exactly the
same reason are the people who have the greatest difficulty with sustained and
sustaining intimacy. The question worth posing in addition to "would this person
make an exciting and passionate lover" is "would this person be a good parent to
my child". The point is not about children, the point is that what makes a good
parent is what makes a good lover.
Love requires the ability, over an extended period of time, to be essentially
present, intimate, to nurture, to support growth physically, emotionally,
intellectually and spiritually. Hot, sophisticated, beautiful, rich, powerful,
however attractive these qualities are, must take their place alongside: real,
wise, decent, open-hearted, honest, aware, responsive, generous, competent,
compassionate. In sum, what we could call being capable of intimacy. Without
that, without the capacity to be fully present, to love without being
overwhelmed by fear or greed, everything else is mere entertainment, perhaps
even great entertainment, but no more than that.
Here's the rub. Love is predicated on 'being' together; on essential contact
which is both tremendously appealing and very frightening. 'Being' is
antithetical to egotism and its theatre. This creates conflict, tension,
intensity, feeling out of control, feeling vulnerable, revealed. Folks don't
care to, or can't keep up, find the pace too intense, the interaction too
concentrated, the loss of control, or at least the lose of the illusion of
control, too shattering.
This is not a matter of either intelligence, education, wealth, social
standing. One can have essential contact with shop girls, cabdrivers, dancers,
artists, investment bankers, beautiful, ugly, wealthy, poor. The simple truth
is that some people are awake, present, essential, alive...and some people live
their lives in the shadows, faintly, without passion, without fire, without joy.
Not as a function of natural endowment. Rather, as a matter of choice in what
one values, of what risks one is willing to take, of what price one is willing
to pay. Unfortunately, we live in a culture which values some fairly trivial
things.
One is never too far wrong if one adopts an approach which recognizes the
egotism, the materialism, the emotional immaturity, and the intra-psychic
naivete of most of the people one comes across. The more successful or beautiful
or rich people are the less reason they have had to go through the often
painful, difficult, unpleasant, frustrating, time consuming and expensive task
of becoming sane and self-knowing, much less to become fully human. We are all
in our own way incompletely developed. Like muscles and money, growth requires
sustained, unrelenting effort. And time, lots of time.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you got
it made. - Groucho Marx
The bombardment of pseudo-realities begins to produce inauthentic humans very
quickly, spurious humans, as fake as the data pressing them from all sides. Fake
realities will create fake humans. Or, fake humans will generate fake realities
and then sell them to other humans, turning them, eventually, into forgeries of
themselves. So we wind up with fake humans inventing fake realities and then
peddling them to other fake humans. - Philip K. Dick
Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac. - Henry Kissinger
It's not how you feel, it's how you look. - Billy Crystal
To be in the game, one must have the marketing appeal, the camouflage, the
mystique, the juice, enough flash or plumage to attract a candidate. Mystique
and charisma, however annoying, are also attractive and intriguing. They create
a desire for completion, for the resolution of tension. The process is a lot
like fly fishing. The bait must be often just out of reach. Not so far as to
cause loss of interest but not close enough to allow detailed inspection and
evaluation according to what the one always believes are God given or at least
rational, objectively based preferences.
For many people, frustration consistent with unconscious conditioning
produces that elusive sense of 'rightness' mistaken for the beginnings of love.
A lot of that mystique and tension derives from maintaining and being aware,
however intuitively, of the optimal transference distance. This in part is the
answer to why certain men (and women) vanish after sexual contact 'too easily
won', why some women (and men) flee when treated well. The underlying truth of
what has been characterized as the 'madonna/whore' syndrome of men and of the
observation that some women only love men who treat them poorly ('boyfriends
from hell'), is not that there is too much pleasure too quickly. It is that
there is too little tension, frustration and pain.
'Too close' and 'too far away' emotionally, 'too easy' and 'too frustrating',
for most people derive from deeply unconscious patterns established by the
relationship they had with their parents and from the relationship their parents
had with each other. The first question of a prospective lover needs to be,
"Were you loved in a healthy way as a child?", which of course is no simple
question. If the answer turns out to be "no", then one must proceed with great
care. It is rare, even with massive amounts of therapy, to completely overcome
deprivation, much less abuse. Their model for an intimate relationship drives
them to create an environment in which they feel at home; and their home is not
a place you much want to be.
My feeling about technique in art is that it has about the same value as
technique in lovemaking. Heartfelt ineptitude has its appeal and so does
heartless skill; but what you want is passionate virtuosity. - John Barth
Among men, sex sometimes leads to intimacy; among women intimacy sometimes leads
to sex. - D. Symons
Those who have supreme skill use strategy to bend others without coming to
conflict. - Sun Tzu
The human animal is basically and biologically a pair-formation species. As the
emotional relationship develops between a pair of potential mates it is aided
and abetted by the sexual activities they share. The pair-formation function of
sexual behavior is so important for our species that nowhere outside the pairing
phase do sexual activities reach such a high intensity. It is this function that
causes so much trouble when it clashes with various non-reproductive forms of
sex. Even if procreation sex is successfully avoided and no fertilization takes
place, a pair-bond may still automatically start to form where none is intended.
It is because of this that casual copulations frequently create so many
problems. If the copulator has had his or her pair-forming mechanism damaged in
some way during childhood, so that he or she is incapable of "falling in love",
or if there is a temporary or deliberate suppression of the pair-forming urge,
then the casual copulation may succeed and be enjoyed without any later
repercussions. But it takes two to copulate, and the partner in such an
encounter may not be so lucky. If his or her pair-forming mechanism is more
active, a one-sided pair-bond may start to form as a result of the emotional
intensity of the sexual actions. The inevitable outcome of this is that society
becomes littered with 'broken hearts', 'hang-ups', and 'abandoned lovers' who
subsequently find it extremely difficult to form a new pair-bond with a fresh
partner. - Desmond Morris
There are no objective standards, no ready-made rules for when or whether two
people become sexual partners; thus a source of much frustration, coercion,
"morality", and humor. Nor is there a certain way of predicting whether a
healthy and viable pair-bond will form in any given set of circumstances.
To make matters worse, the potential dangers of each new sexual encounter are
accelerating. There are presently more than 25 viral or bacterial sexually
transmitted diseases (STD) present worldwide in epidemic proportions. In the
U.S., HIV infection in non-risk factor (that is those neither homosexuals nor
I.V. drug users) populations is 1:500,000, although the associated hysteria and
fear are pandemic. For the population as a whole, hepatitis B is 1:140, genital
warts, (human papilloma virus, a significant cause of cervical and genital
cancer) is 1:5 and genital herpes is 1:4. These are all viral infections which
may be contagious even when the carrier is asymptomatic. All four are incurable.
Two of the four are life-threatening. The merely obnoxious STD are even more
prevalent. The potential risks of each new trial have risen to unreasonable
heights.
What is certain is that for love to develop, the needs, the capacities, the
dreams of the people involved, and the potential emotional and physical risks
must be understood, acknowledged, honored and dealt with compassionately and
straight-up. Otherwise, in a Judeo-Christian culture where non-procreative,
non-marital sex is sin, in an increasingly anti-sexual, forward to the 1950's
society, under the shadow of an epidemic, the underlying natural facts combine
with personal history and cultural factors to produce a violent confusion.
Nature and society at war; sex becomes a matter of manipulation and control.
Love become battlefield.
Courtship...is characterized by tentative, ambivalent behavior involving fear,
aggression, and sexual attraction. The nervousness and hesitancy is slowly
reduced if the mutual sexual signals are strong enough. - Desmond Morris
When opponents open a doorway, swiftly penetrate it. Locate beforehand their
deepest attachments, then inspire subtle expectations. Follow the rules and
accommodate the opponent, all the while working toward the decisive challenge.
- Sun Tzu
In our species, for healthy individuals of both sexes, natural pleasure
produces emotional bonding. Bonding at least potentially creates continuity.
Continuity almost always creates expectations, which may or may not be realistic
or held in common by both partners. Expectations lead to the demand or at least
the desire for satisfaction and security in the form of commitment. Likewise,
society and almost certainly child rearing demands time extensive commitments
which are at their root agreements. These are enforced at best by an enlightened
knowledge of the local requirements of life on this planet; and at worst by law,
by a deadening sense of obligation, by convention, or still worse, by sheer lack
of imagination.
Paradoxically, for all the work that goes into finding 'that special
someone', very little work is done to convert 'let's be together' into a
conscious, clear, joint, skillfully crafted, explicit understanding. Much is
naively assumed as to the congruence of vision, goals, values, methods, style of
life. Who decides what? Who takes out the garbage? Who supports who
economically, for how long, under what circumstances? How much money, time
together, work, sports on television, sex, particularly erotic play, is enough?
Too much?
These agreements are often ambiguous, poorly defined, unconscious, and
unrealistic. In fact, aside from a general agreement to "togetherness" or
"marriage", exactly what that means is rarely dealt with fully. To the extent
that the expectations of a couple are divergent, there is the basis for mutual
misunderstanding; feeling betrayed, misunderstood, not appreciated. In the
absence of a clear contract, each person unreasonably assumes that they know
what the mutual view is.
Lovers are ennobled and transformed by love. They are on their best behavior,
their most expansive, their most generous during courtship. They also tailor
themselves to each other or at least pretend to. When the smoke clears, who's
there? Marriage is frequently taken as license to be one's bad self. The prize
is won. The 'other' is all too often taken for granted, is part of the home
team, no longer special. Under those circumstances, paradoxically, marriage is
the end rather than the beginning of life together.
There is another more intriguing paradox. Since life can only be lived in
the present moment, intimacy inherently exists only in the now. As such, any
projection into the future or future oriented commitment must be made in
contemplation of that fact. Worse, many abandon the pearl which exists in the
present in favor of a caravan of dreams which always recedes across the desert.
We have at hand a long ignored, highly successful model of intimate
relationship. It is time tested, adaptable, robust, unlimited in scope; well
worth exploring in the context of romantic love. This is not to suggest that
there are not unique problems that arise in sexually intimate relationships.
Rather that by considering the alternatives, by experimenting with different
modes, we can gain insight, parallax, a change of view.
If one contrasts how one treats one's closest friends and how one treats
one's lovers, it becomes clear that intimate friends are treated to fewer
expectations, greater compassion, more generosity, more freedom, etc. than are
lovers. We take our friends as we find them without imagining we have the right
or duty to change them. Since friendship is sustained by action rather than
existing as a contractual union, we keep our friendships cultivated with effort.
For we know that our friends remain our friends through kind attention, freely
given, balanced in the giving and taking. If you talk to people who feel they
have great marriages there is one consistent common factor. Their lover is
their best friend.
Intelligence cannot be employed without enlightenment and intuition.
Intelligence cannot be used without humanity and generosity. The work of
intelligence cannot succeed without subtlety and ingeniousness. Subtly, very
subtly, nowhere neglect the use of intelligence. - Sun Tzu
We can best tell our values by looking at our checkbook stubs. - Gloria Steinem
Intimacy requires one's becoming a psychologically healthy adult. Separately
and together, jointly and severally. This requires the balancing, aligning,
harmonizing, (no, not 6 black jazz singers acappella) of one's subtle inner life
with one's outer conventional life. Separately and together.
It is an art rarely focused on in these times of desperate upward mobility.
People treat each other, their lives and their experience as if disconnected and
discrete, individual pearls on a strand rather than a continuous tapestry. We
have finite resources, finite lives, finite time. Apart from our own propaganda,
the truth is our values are revealed in our actions, not in our words. Love
requires time, attention, caring. Love must be valued to endure.
Money has become the idol, the modern golden calf. A friend, who is a
managing partner of a major law firm, works obsessively seeking wealth without
much regard for anyone else (in the name of efficiency), has a beautiful wife,
two great kids, a multi-million dollar house, and all the paraphernalia that
goes along with, none of which he has time to enjoy. In unguarded moments, he
makes the puzzled comment that when he and his wife were just starting out,
broke, in a modest apartment; that he was the happiest he has been. He sometimes
wonders whether he hasn't taken a wrong turn.
Whether God, the universe, or whatever has a preference for or against
wealth, success or anything else in particular is not the point here. Rather,
what sense does it make to pile up undigestible treasure? In fairy tales, there
is the dragon in it's lair with gold, jewels, and a virgin princess, (what use
after all do dragons have for gold or virgins). In Tibetan Buddhism, the image
of hungry ghosts, who have huge bodies, giant appetites, big mouths, and very
little necks, (that is their desire always must exceed their capacity for
gratification). Sooner or later, and hopefully before one's next heart attack,
divorce, or breakdown; or perhaps worse, before one's life runs its course...
doesn't it make sense to take as a matter of life/death the question "What is
the point of all this effort?"
This is not to sell other-worldliness, nor for that matter anything other
than for being such smart people, folks sure do act dumb. Humans, like forests,
perhaps should be cultivated (that is, cultivate themselves) for sustained and
sustainable yield. A balanced ecology may make more sense than land rape when
such actions are taken in the broader context that the sins of the father are
visited on the son, that life is precious and irretrievable, that love is rare
and worthy of respect, that life is a means without ends.
I do not know what I may appear to the world, but to myself, I seem to have been
only like a boy playing on the seashore and diverting myself in now and then
finding a smoother pebble or prettier shell than ordinary, whilst the great
ocean of truth lay all undiscovered before me. - Sir Isaac Newton
In a society that holds up an increasingly punitive work ethic above any ethic
of love or compassion, it is risky indeed to assert pleasure as a legitimate
social goal. If the "real issues" are economic deprivation, the threat of
nuclear holocaust, the destruction of the environment, and so forth down the
grimly familiar list, then we should perhaps acknowledge that the issue of human
pleasure is not, after all, so marginal or secondary. For the "real issues" only
reflect our vast, collective separation from the body, from the earth and other
life on it, and from the possibility of delight in ourselves and each other. We
may have come to the point where we no longer have the luxury and Puritanism can
be a perverse kind of luxury of dividing what is "real" from what is only
personal; what is public, from what is most deeply felt. We may finally be
obliged, by the very threats we have created for ourselves, to rethink pleasure
as a human goal and reclaim it as a human project. - Barbara Ehrenreich
So, what's the alternative? It is to live the truth known to every other
organism, that life itself is paramount. Paramecium do not need philosophers
and psycho-analysts to move toward food and away from threat. Plants turn toward
the sun without metaphysicians or theologians. Without first requiring
revolution, religious conversion, psychotherepy, a change in socio-economic
status or what-have-you, we can take time for the simple living of life, time
for love.
Balance, the golden mean, the middle way, valuing awareness before all else,
holding no false idols in the place of God...this is not new news. The point is
made in Tibetan tantra that the true path is not to consume all experiences
indiscriminately, although they are all in theory potentially food for
transformation. It is instead to metabolize, understand, and transform the
experiences one has had into wisdom. Merely an understanding that the
consumption of experience has no necessary relation with it's digestion and
metabolism. Where those practicing tantra differ from monks is that there is no
preexisting prejudice as to what is what; that it is not desire but the
attachment to desire which creates suffering.
In a culture far from natural life, the process of an individual's or a
couple's emotional and psychological development proceeds in quantum steps, a
little like shooting difficult rapids. There is a wild ride followed by
beautiful stretches of isolated beautiful canyons, unreachable aside from by
that very ride, and at night, sleeping out under a blanket of stars. Given
courage, work, understanding, curiosity and skill, the journey itself is a prize
well worth the effort, the risk, the adrenalin rush and the terror.
Fearing the rapids, people pull out and dangle their feet in the river and
call it living life to the max. They then build resorts by the river to
obscure, with neon and fast food, that they have become consumers of experience,
part of a least common denominator mass market that provides McFood and McLove
and McEntertainment. Now the good news is it keeps them off the river. The bad
news is that the waters of life are being drained to flush the toilets, wash the
cars, water the lawns, and fill the water coolers of these folks. As for
myself, they make me sad.
Man has now become a mere thing to the forces (of technology, of politics, of
history) that bypass him, surpass him, possess him. To those forces, man's
concrete being, his 'world of life', has neither value nor interest: it is
eclipsed, forgotten from the start. - Husserl
Overcome evil with good, falsehood with truth, and hatred with love. - Peace
Pilgrim
In choosing to live a natural life we are paddling upstream against the flood
tide of our own culture. Violence, force, manipulation, control, power,
propaganda, obedience, emotional and political fascism, lies...have all been
perfected. For the short term, they are effective methods. The wisdom,
compassion and non-violence of the Tibetans was no match for the Chinese army
when they conquered Tibet in 1950, just as Maoist theory hasn't a prayer against
Japanese consumer electronics. The U.S. and U.S.S.R. held hegemony over much of
the world for 50 years. No longer. All finally fail. Empires fall, dictators
are deposed or die, revolution can be delayed but not denied, all people finally
wish to be free to live their lives and to earn their bread. The meek may not
inherit the earth, but the strong eventually weaken.
Somolia, the war in the Persian Gulf, the slaughter in Bosnia, the collapse
of the economies and governments of Eastern Europe and the former USSR, the
massacre in Tiananmen Square, the Alaska oil spill, political corruption,
homelessness, car-jacking, drug addiction in the ghettos, the destruction of the
Brazilian rain forests, and toxic waste, are each possible only through a
pervasive blindness and ignorance of natural law. Any given event can be blamed
on power-maddened despots, geriatric later-day Stalinists, Exxon, Democrats,
Republicans, the Medellin cocaine cartel, institutionalized racism, short-
sighted Brazilian peasants clearing the forests, and greedy corporations.
Whether true or not, it is almost entirely irrelevant.
Our lives and loves have become a predator's ball. We treat our world and
each other with such universal disdain or at least indifference that we are in
real danger not only of loveless lives but of destroying the environment
piecemeal and of destroying what is finest in ourselves and our children. These
are not separate problems.
War and peace, violence and non-violence, exploitation, and sound development
are as much states of being as they are the states of nations. The failure to
recognize the fundamental indivisibility of one's own life; the indivisibility
of life on this planet, is tragic. Passion, being loving, being truly human,
being responsible, being compassionate; all flow from a common source, that is
life itself. The resolution of the battle of the sexes must finally be peace,
not victory. Love made life.
We triage our own lives. Our values are told in our actions, in how we spend
the time of our lives. Our choice of intimate partners and how we treat them
reflect and give life to what is truly precious for us. We are ourselves,
personally and directly responsible for the quality of not only our lives and
our loves, but like a pebble in a pond, for the world around us we can directly
effect. The revolution of freedom and democracy in Eastern Europe was rekindled
in a shipyard in Poland. One nameless man faced down a column of tanks in China.
We are, each of us, the face in the mirror. Simply put, if not us, then who, if
not now, then when?
The way to do is to be. - Lao Tzu
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away. - Philip
K. Dick
I'll play it first and you tell me what it is later. - Miles Davis
-= relationships =-= 45 =-----------------------------------------------------
From Late Show with David Letterman; Friday, November 11, 1994
Top Ten Signs You're On A Bad Date
10. When you agreed to go out with him he was governor, and now he's just some
guy who works in a car wash.
9. Every few minutes, his face falls into his eggs.
8. She asks you to hold her clothes while she mambos with a guy named Pedro.
7. Her Wonderbra's on backwards.
6. Just as everything's starting to go great, you're both asked to return to
your cells.
5. It's costing you $3.00 a minute.
4. You order a double Whopper and he says, "My name ain't Rockefeller, honey."
3. Waiter taking your order asks, "And what can I get for your sorry-ass date?"
2. He's drunk, all hands, and keeps bragging about how he whipped Mitt Romney.
1. He won't stop screaming "Pataki!"
(reference to New York Governor-Elect George Pataki)
-= relationships =-= 46 =-----------------------------------------------------
University of Michigan researchers in 1994 have devised a universal theory to
explain what ignites our passions and plunges us into the most despairing
heartbreak. In the largest study of its kind, Dr. David Buss and colleagues
surveyed more than 10,000 people living on six continents and five islands about
their mating preferences and attitudes. The research, financed by the National
Institute of Mental Health, spanned a six-year period and involved the
collaboration of 50 other scientists. From Zambia to Japan, the language of
love and lust transcended cultural boundaries, the researchers found.
"Humans everywhere have very similar desires for mates," said Buss, who has
studied sexual behavior more than 15 years. "However, the desires of men and
women differ, and they change depending on whether one is seeking casual sex or
a long-term relationship."
Buss said 90 percent of the people throughout the world get married; however,
most do not spend a lifetime with one partner exclusively. He said short-term
coupling dominates modern human mating strategies, but men and women seek out
liaisons for different reasons: women to test their market value, men to test
their virility.
"If a man could have his fantasy, he would sequester and monopolize all the
attractive women in the country," Buss said. "Indeed, men who are in a position
to get what they want, kings, tycoons, celebrities, often do things like that."
The researchers found that males said they desired an average of eight sexual
partners in a two-year period, while females wanted only one. In a lifetime,
males said they wanted 18 women, while females said they wanted four men, on
average.
Male and female American students were approached in a bar by an interviewer
of the opposite sex. After a brief introduction, the interviewer asked if the
student would go out on a date, go back to the interviewer's apartment, or have
sex. Of the men approached, half accepted the date, 69 percent said yes to
visiting the apartment, and 75 percent agreed to sex. Half the females also
agreed to a date, but only 6 percent agreed to go to the apartment, and none
consented to sex.
For women, the researchers found, intimacy generally takes time. Male and
female students were equally likely to engage in sex after knowing their partner
for more than five years, the study reported. But the average male was willing
to have sex after knowing his partner one week, while the average female said
she would wait six months.
Buss speculated that male promiscuity is a primal instinct that reflects
nature's attempt to maximize reproduction in a dangerous world. The female's
caution reflects her instinct to "seek resources and protection because she must
bear the children." Males, eager to disperse their genes, look for cues in
females that signal sexual accessibility and fertility; health, youth, and
curves, the scientists said. Men often value female promiscuity, he said, but
only for short-term relationships. When a male wants a wife, he values chastity
and prefers someone who lacks prior sexual experience because of his need to
make certain he is the father of the children.
"Historically, men have sequestered women with chastity belts, eunuch-guarded
harems, veiling, even surgical procedures," Buss noted in the study, which was
published in the journal Psychological Review.
In more than two thirds of the 37 countries studied, men desired chastity in
a mate more than women did. Male Indonesians, Iranians, and Palestinian Arabs
coveted virginity the most, while men in the Netherlands and Scandinavia valued
it the least.
Another cross-cultural study found that infidelity was the most prevalent
cause of divorce, but a wife's affair was much more likely to end her marriage
than a husband's, the scientists reported. Females said they would be more
upset by a partner who "fell in love and became emotionally committed to someone
else" rather than one who had a casual affair.
As a sexual strategy, females often chose mates who offer either physical or
economic protection, and who will commit resources to the family, Buss said.
Even height can be a factor. Studies of singles ads show that if males say they
are taller, 6-foot-1 or more, they receive more responses from women.
Short-term mating strategies among females are mostly experimental, the
researchers reported. "A (single) woman may seek short-term mates both to
clarify what her desires are and to assess how desirable she is," Buss said.
When married women have affairs, they may be "casting about to see what their
value is, and to determine if they can get out of their current relationship."
By suggesting that love is not really blind, Buss also discovered that
frustration might be biologically inherent in relationships. "I think evolution
has played a dirty trick on us by creating desires that can never really be
fulfilled," he said.
-= relationships =-= 47 =-----------------------------------------------------
A group of friends and I were sitting around telling about our worst dates.
Here are the two funniest ones. The second (and best) story smacks of an urban
legend, but the teller, who isn't the type to lie about this sort of thing,
claims to have been told the story in the presence of the poor guy, who was
squirming throughout the whole story.
The guy had a blind date, so he went out shopping before the date and had
gotten himself a sharp looking green shirt for his date. He goes on the date,
and they are hitting it off fantastically. They are kissing before they even
leave the restaurant. They go back to her apartment, with the lights down low,
and they are making out. He goes into the bathroom to take off his clothes. He
turns the light on, and finds that the color in his shirt has bled from his
sweating, and his chest and back are stained green. He puts his clothes back
on, says good night to the woman, and goes home.
The guy in this story was having a first date with a woman that he had been
nuts over for sometime. He was all psyched up for the date, having done
everything he could to prepare for it so it would go well. He had his best
clothes ready, and he even got a pair of silk socks to wear on the date.
Unfortunately, the day of the date, he was suffering from, well, lets call it
intestinal flu, shall we? He was having to go to the bathroom every 30 minutes
or so. So he goes to the bathroom right before he goes to pick her up, hoping
that he can make it to the restaurant before he has to go again. But by the
time he gets to her house, he has to go BAD. So he runs up and knocks, she
opens the door and introduces herself. He says, "Hi, I have to go to the
bathroom real bad, can you show me the way?" She takes him to the bathroom.
He goes in, and really stinks it up. He's in there for a little bit,
finishes, and looks around for the toilet paper. There isn't any. So he leans
over and opens all the cabinets and drawers he can reach, looking for some.
There isn't any. No toilet paper, no kleenex, nothing that he can use. So he
sits in there thinking, "What am I going to do?"
After a little while, she comes to the door and knocks and asks if he's okay.
He says, "Yeah, I'll be right out." The bathroom stinks so bad, he doesn't want
to ask her to get him anything. After she comes back a second time to check on
him, he gets desperate. He takes his silk socks, and puts one on each arm. He
uses these, and then throws them in the toilet and flushes it.
The socks get stuck and the toilet backs up and overflows. The water and
everything else in the toilet goes cascading across the floor. She comes back
to the door and asks what's going on. He says he'll be right out, and is
frantically looking around for something to clean it up with. The only thing in
the bathroom (remember, no toilet paper, etc) are the towels, nice white ones.
So he grabs the white towels and starts mopping the water up. The girl is
knocking on the door now demanding he open the door.
Realizing his hopeless situation, he does the only thing he can to save face.
He opens the window, climbs out, runs to his car, and drives home.
-= relationships =-= 48 =-----------------------------------------------------
After countless hours of watching men and women in public places such as
bars, Monica Moore, associate professor of psychology at Webster University in
St. Louis, has determined that women often make the first romantic move.
In a scholarly paper published in the Journal of Ethology and Sociology,
Moore has listed 52 "gestures and other nonverbal behaviours" that women use to
signal an interest "in interacting with certain men."
How do they flirt? Among the top 10 ways are smiling, a room-encompassing
glance, or solitary dancing. On the list of the 10 least-used flirting methods
are applying lipstick, lateral body contact, or the old hiking of the skirt,
Moore writes.
-= relationships =-= 49 =-----------------------------------------------------
The Constitution Of Love
We, the lovers of the heart, in order to form a more perfect kiss, enable the
mighty hug, and to promote to whom we please, but please the one we kiss.
Article #1: Statement Of Love, The Kiss
1. On the hand: I adore you.
2. On the cheek: Just friends.
3. On the neck: I want you.
4. On the lips: I love you.
5. On the ear: Just joking.
6. Anywhere else: Don't get carried away!
7. Looking into your eyes: Kiss me.
8. Hands on the waist: I love you too much to let you go.
Article #2: The Three Steps
1. Girl: If a boy gets too fresh, you have the right to slap him.
2. Boy: If a girl slaps you, kiss her.
3. Boy and Girl: Close your eyes, it's rude to stare.
Article #3: The Four Commandments
1. Thou shalt not squeeze too hard.
2. Thou shalt not ask for a kiss, thou shalt take one.
3. Thou shalt kiss on every opportunity.
4. Thou shalt not begin a kiss by thrusting thy tongue down partner's throat.
Article #4: Must
1. After reading this, you must kiss the person who gave you this unless they
are of the same sex.
Article #5: Consequences
After reading this, you must make 7 copies in seven days to seven people, or you
will have 7 years of bad luck.
Remember...
A peach is a peach,
A plum is a plum,
A kiss ain't a kiss,
Without some tongue.
So open your mouth,
And close your eyes
And give your tongue
Some exercise!
-= relationships =-= 50 =-----------------------------------------------------
The True Gender Of Objects
Mirrors are female because none of their reflections are really their own.
Stamps are female because men like to lick them, stick them, and then send them
away.
Windows are male because they're a pane, and because you can see through them.
Shit is male because the older it gets, the easier it is to pick up.
-= relationships =-= 51 =-----------------------------------------------------
The Heuristic Squelch Dating Guide
(a Berkeley publication)
What they say What they mean
------------- ______________
Did you come? Because I didn't.
I have something to tell you. Get tested.
I'm a Romantic. I'm poor.
I'll give you a call. I'd rather have my nipples eaten off by
wild dogs than see you again.
I never meant to hurt you. I thought you weren't a virgin.
Trust me. I'm cheating on you.
I love you. You're a good lay.
I think we should just be friends. You're ugly.
Haven't I seen you before? Nice ass.
I want to make love to you. Let's fuck.
Was it good for you? I'm insecure about my manhood.
We need to talk. I'm pregnant.
I had a wonderful time last night. Who the hell are you?
I've been thinking a lot. You're not as attractive as when I was
drunk.
I've learned a lot from you. Next!
I want a commitment. I'm sick of masturbation.
I think we should see other people. I have been seeing other people.
Let's get married. Now can we fuck?
We don't have to do anything until Put out or get out.
you are ready.
I feel it's time to express our love Give me head.
for each other.
I still think about you. I miss the sex.
Is there something wrong? Is it supposed to be this soft?
You're so mature. I hope you're eighteen.
It's never been like this before. It's my first time.
Yes...Yes...*scream!* Aren't you done yet?
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