*****Canonical List Of Operating System Humor****
This is the Canonical List Of Operating System Humor. It has been
compiled with the assistance of a lot of people but a special thanks goes to
Prof P. Piacenza (chpp@unitrix.utr.ac.za) who contributed a great deal of jokes
etc to this list.
Any submissions should be sent to :-
N.THOMSON@ZIPPY.DCT.AC.UK
OR
MCSCS2NPT@DCT.AC.UK
NOTE: The Address BANDIT@AXPVMS.CC.UTEXAS.EDU is no longer valid
where they will be added to the list and the submitter will get a personal copy
of the list. Any requests for copies of this list sent to the above addresses
will be chearfully ignored. If you are reading this then you have a copy in
front of you. If you want to be placed on a mailing list for this list then
you can mail one of the above addresses and the next copy of the list will be
sent to you when it is next posted but please use the subject "COSH Mailing
List" or your message will be ignored.
This file can be FTPed from FTP.CCO.CALTECH.EDU in the directory
/PUB/HUMOR/CANONICAL.LIST - login as anonymous and enter E-Mail address as
password.
The latest version of this file can also be found at:-
HTTP://www.tay.ac.uk/~mcscs2npt/lair/humor/cosh.html
and HTTP://www.misty.com/laughweb
Ok enough of the boring stuff - enjoy.............
CONTENTS
++++++++
1) Programmers Quick Guide To Operating Systems
2) Operating Systems For Your Brain
3) Fun Unix Commands
THE PROGRAMMER'S QUICK GUIDE TO OPERATING SYSTEMS
=================================================
The proliferation of modern programming languages (all of which seem
to have stolen countless features from one another) sometimes makes it
difficult to remember what language you're currently using. The same
applies to Operating Systems .......
This handy reference is offered as a public service to help programmers
who find themselves in such a dilemma.
================================================================================
The Task:
GO TO THE STORE
=================
MS-DOS ([=5.0): You get in the car and try to remember where you
put your keys.
MS Dos 6.0: You go to get in your car to GOTO THE STORE but the car has
been run over by a steam roller.
Windows: You get in the car and drive to the store very slowly,
because attached to the back of the car is a freight train.
Windows NT: You get in the car and write a letter that says
"go to the store." Then you get out of the car and mail
the letter to your dashboard.
Macintosh System 7: You get in the car to go to the store,
and the car drives you to church.
UNIX: You get in the car and type GREP STORE. After reaching
speeds of 200 miles per hour en route, you arrive at the barber shop.
Taligent/Pink: You walk to the store with Ricardo Montalban,
who tells you how wonderful it will be when he can fly you
to the store in his Learjet.
OS/2: After fueling up with 6000 gallons of gas, you get in the
car and drive to the store with a motorcycle escort and a
marching band in procession. Halfway there, the car blows up,
killing everybody in town.
S/36 SSP [mainframe, obv.]: You get in the car and drive to
the store. Halfway there you run out of gas. While
walking the rest of the way, you are run over by kids
on mopeds.
AS/400: An attendant locks you into the car and then drives you
to the store, where you get to watch everybody else buy fillet mignons.
================================================================================
The operating system for your Brain. Which One???
Windows for brains:
-------------------
You think about one of any number of things at anyone time but
only for a short amount of time because then your mind goes blank
as you encounter a "general protection fault" and as a last
resort you have to re-boot your brain.
DOS for brains:
---------------
You only think of one thing at one time, and can't remember
anything else you were meant to be thinking about. You think only
in words and never any pictures.
Unix for brains:
----------------
Wow - you can think of lots of things all at once until your
brain runs out of sockets. You can only talk though with people
who have brains made by the same vendor. Unfortunately you also
never make any sense and have to read manuals to learn how to
think. Predominantly a random thinker.
CP/M for brains:
----------------
A very slow and old fashioned thinker. Any thing you remember
has to be less than 3 letters long.
MVS/CICS for brains:
--------------------
You have a very big and expensive brain. You can think about
many things at the one time but never now what other parts of
your brain are thinking unles you have set up SNA connections
between sections of your brains. You also need an army of system
programmers to define what thoughts you may and may not have.
OS/2 for brains:
----------------
You can think about lots of things at once but need the
equivalent of eigteen sets of encyclopaedias in memory to produce
any rational thought. No-one supports your way of thinking and
many laugh at you whenever you speak.
Mac for brains:
---------------
Simple thoughts for simple people. Thinking that looks good,
feels good but is expensive.
Pick for brains:
----------------
I now narthing. Narthing Mr Fawlty.
AmigaOS for brains:
You can think of lots of things at once, even with a very small
memory. The trouble is that, sometimes, one thought starts to
think about the things another thought was using. This leads to a
compelling need to wrap a teatowel around your head and sit,
crosslegged, on the floor.
Linux for Brains:
-----------------
You can think of any number of things and not run out of sockets.
Unfortunately, there is no support for your particular limbs,
ears, mouth or .... thingy.... available yet so you are reluctant
to change over at this stage.
$ ar x Santa.Claus
ar: Santa.Claus does not exist
i$ cat "door: paws too slippery"
cat: cannot open door: paws too slippery
i$ cat "food in tin cans"
cat: cannot open food in tin cans
$ lost
lost: not found
$ make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.
$ make war
Make: Don't know how to make war. Stop.
$ rm Tooth.Fairy
rm: Tooth.Fairy nonexistent
% mkdir yellow_pages; cat ] yellow_pages
yellow_pages: Is a directory
% !1984
1984: Event not found. # (on some systems)
% rm meese-ethics
rm: meese-ethics nonexistent
% "How would you rate Reagan's incompetence?
Unmatched ".
% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].
% ^How did the sex change^ operation go?
Modifier failed.
% If I had a ( for every $ Congress spent, what would I have?
Too many ('s.
% sleep with me
bad character
% got a light?
No match.
% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.
i% ^What is saccharine?
Bad substitute.
% %blow
%blow: No such job.
% \(-
(-: Command not found.
% sh
$ drink [bottle; opener
bottle: cannot open
opener: not found
$ mkdir matter; cat ]matter
matter: cannot create
"I teach Eunuchs - I mean Unix."
% got a light?
No match.
% cat "food in cans"
cat: can't open food in cans
% nice man woman
No manual entry for woman.
% rm God
rm: God nonexistent
% ar t God
ar: God does not exist
% ar r God
ar: creating God
% "How would you rate Quayle's incompetence?
Unmatched ".
% Unmatched ".
Unmatched ".
% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].
% ^How did the sex change operation go?^
Modifier failed.
% If I had a ( for every $ the Congress spent, what would I have?
Too many ('s.
% make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.
% sleep with me
bad character
% got a light?
No match.
% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.
% !:say, what is saccharine?
Bad substitute.
% %blow
%blow: No such job.
% \(-
(-: Command not found.
$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!
$ drink [bottle; opener
bottle: cannot open
opener: not found
$ mkdir matter; cat ]matter
matter: cannot create
% rm meese-ethics
rm: meese-ethics nonexistent
% ar m God
ar: God does not exist
% "How would you rate Reagan's incompetence?
Unmatched ".
% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?
Missing ].
% XHow did the sex changeX operation go?
Modifier failed.
% If I had a ( for every $ Reagan spent, what would I have?
Too many ('s.
% make love
Make: Don't know how to make love. Stop.
% sleep with me
bad character
% got a light?
No match.
% man: why did you get a divorce?
man:: Too many arguments.
% XWhat is saccharine?
Bad substitute.
% man woman
No manual entry for woman.
% %blow
%blow: No such job.
% \(-
(-: Command not found.
% sh
$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense
no sense in pretending!
$ drink [bottle; opener
bottle: cannot open
opener: not found
$ mkdir matter; cat ]matter
matter: cannot create
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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