Clinton Jokes
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--- SECTION: Miscellaneous Clinton Jokes
BILL CLINTON STATUE COMMITTEE
1040 Bufoo Street
Little Rock, AR 72205
Dear Friend,
We have the distinguished honor of being on the committee for
raising five million dollars for placing a statue of Bill Clinton in
the Hall of Fame in Washington D.C.
This committee was in a quandary as to where to place the
statue. It was not wise to place it beside the statue of George
Washington, who never told a lie, nor beside Senator Joe McCarthy, who
never told the truth, since Bill Clinton could never tell the
difference.
We finally decided to place it beside the statue of Christopher
Columbus, the greatest Democrat of all. He left not knowing where he
was going, did not know where he was, returned not knowing where he
had been, and did it all on borrowed money.
Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick
up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to
the Promised Land!" Nearly 5,000 years later, Roosevelt said, "Lay
down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this IS
the Promised Land!" Now, Bill Clinton is going to steal your shovels,
kick your asses, raise the price of Camels, and mortgage the Promised
Land.
If you are one of the fortunate few who has anything left after
taxes, we expect a generous contribution to this worthwhile project.
Fraternally,
The Bill Clinton Statue Committee
Bill Clinton justifies his proposed increases in government
spending by dividing it into investment spending and consumption
spending: GNP = C + I + Government Investment + Government Consumption
He claims that government investment is productive and is worth
running a deficit for.
The question is whether the government can really make that many
investments that are better than private sector investments. People
are scared that under Bill Clinton and the Democrats, we will instead
get:
GNP = C + Pork Barrel + White Elephants
+ Bureaucracy + Inefficiency
+ Uncontrolled Costs
+ Politically Correct Spending
+ Outrageous Boondoggles
+ $500 Billion Bank Bailouts
+ Favors to Lobbyists
+ More Favors to Big-Voting-Bloc Special Interests
+ Even More Favors to Big-Money Campaign Contributors
Most people don't think that politicians, government bureaucrats
and academic economists would know an efficient investment from a hole
in the wall. They think that politicians would end up calling
everything they like, including increases in their own salaries, a
form of investment.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
These are some memos found in the trash behind the primary building of
the FBI (Federal Bureau of Incompetents) in Washington, D.C. They're
probably classified information, and possession of them on your computer
system no doubt is considered a federal offense. Enjoy!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
To: FBI Director William Sessions
]From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
This small Wacko cult isn't giving in. Do you have any instructions?
Agent 2x3276
To: ATF Agent 2x3276
]From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent:
Try playing "Feelings" over and over again 24 hours a day. That should
get the point across.
The Director
To: FBI Director William Sessions
]From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
Thank you for the suggestion. Unfortunately, playing "Feelings" over
and over again 24 hours a day has succeeded only in convincing the Wacko folks
that the end of the world is at hand. They're a bit less cooperative now.
Any more suggestions?
Agent 2x3276
To: ATF Agent 2x3276
]From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent:
Add searchlights at night. And add to the playlist something by
The Partridge Family.
Still The Director
To: FBI Director William Sessions
]From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
They like the Partridge Family.
Agent 2x3276
To: ATF Agent 2x3276
]From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent:
Sickos.
STD
To: FBI Director William Sessions
]From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
We're getting bored out here. Can we go in now?
Agent 2x3276
To: ATF Agent 2x3276
]From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent:
Not until we've wiped their reputation a bit. Notify the reporters
about Koresh's sexual abuse of young, baby frogs.
The Director and Producer
To: FBI Director William Sessions
]From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
We have no substantiated reports of sexual abuse of young, baby frogs.
Agent 2x3276
To: ATF Agent 2x3276
]From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent:
Do you have a point?
The Brilliant
To: FBI Director William Sessions
]From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
Unsubstantiated rumors of baby frog abuse will not withstand scrutiny.
Agent 2x3276
To: ATF Agent 2x3276
]From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent:
What scrutiny are you expecting, agent? Who's going to stand up for
a cult leader who's abused baby frogs?
Better than Brilliant
To: FBI Director William Sessions
]From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
We've had a tiny accident at the compound.
Agent 2x3276
To: ATF Agent 2x3276
]From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent:
How tiny?
Better than Brilliant,
but slightly Worried
To: FBI Director William Sessions
]From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
It kind of like, burned down. Sort of. Sir.
Agent 2x3276
To: ATF Agent 2x3276
]From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent:
Notify the press the cultists committed mass suicide by burning down
their compound.
Brilliant, Almost Godlike
To: FBI Director William Sessions
]From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
We haven't gathered any evidence at all yet, let alone of
a mass suicide.
Pretty Good Agent 2x3276
To: ATF Agent 2x3276
]From: FBI Director William Sessions
Agent:
Do you have a point?
Try to remain more formal in your memos.
The BAG Director
To: FBI Director William Sessions
]From: ATF Agent 2x3276
Sir:
No sir, thank you sir.
Agent 2x3276
To: FBI Director William Sessions
]From: President Billy Bob Clinton
Will:
What the hell are you folks doing over there?
Bill
To: President William Clinton
]From: FBI Director William Sessions
Sir:
Just doing our best to maintain law and order on a cult of
baby-frog-abusing Partridge Family fans, sir.
Director Sessions
To: FBI Director William Sessions
]From: President Billy Bob Clinton
Will:
Oh. Okay.
Mr. Bill
To: Members of the Press
]From: President William Clinton
Dear Members of the Press:
The FBI has informed me of a tiny error they've made. I take full
responsibility. It wasn't my fault.
The President
______________________________________________________________________________
THE WHITE HOUSE
Office of the Press Secretary
For Immediate Release April 27, 1993
EVENTS ON THE PRESIDENT'S SCHEDULE FOR
TUESDAY, APRIL 27, 1993
11:30 am EDT THE PRESIDENT ADDRESSES THE ANNUAL MEETING OF THE
NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF REALTORS, Sheraton
Washington Hotel, Washington, DC
4:30 pm EDT THE PRESIDENT GREETS THE MENS AND LADIES NCAA
BASKETBALL CHAMPIONS, The White House, Washington,
DC
UPCOMING EVENTS ON THE PRESIDENT'S SCHEDULE
Friday, April 30 The President Introduces
National Service program
Saturday, April 31 The President Delivers Weekly
Radio Address to the Nation
###
Hmm, April 31st. Should be a great speech. Glad to see part of
Clinton's cost cutting included calendars for his staff.
Comparison of last 2 Democratic presidential candidates:
DUKAKIS CLINTON
% Of Vote Received 45 43
Military Experience rode around in a "TANK!? WHERE??"
tank, looking like
an idiot
Wife Kitty Shitty
Running-Mate's Wittiest "You're no Jack "Bill Clinton and I
Comment in VP Debate Kennedy" believe that
[insert your favorite
asinine comment here]"
Considered Too Passionless? Yes Just ask Gennifer...
From a study by the Minot branch of the Limbaugh Institute for Advanced
Conservative Studies:
A Comparison of the Last Presidential Candidates
George Bush Bill Clinton
----------- ------------
War Record Fighter Pilot Draft Dodger
Drug Usage Thyroid Medication Pot Smoker
Extramarital Affairs None 1000
Greatest Achievement Ended Cold War Gennifer Flowers
Position On Viet Nam Support of Country "The What?"
Position On Taxes Proposed Tax Cut Raise Em Baby!
Foreign Affairs Experience To numerous to mention Once Dated A
Mexican Girl
Favorite Song God Bless The USA To All The Girls
I've Loved Before
Church Episcopalian Red Brick
Favorite Vegetable Tomatoes Al Gore
International Experience Ambassador to China Moscow
UN Ambassador Troublemaker
Military Leadership Commander In Chief Former Captain of
Paintball team
Ticket Name Bush/Quayle 92 Bubba1/Bubba2
Least Favorite Food Broccoli Draft Beer
Abortion Bill Against It Paid It
Closest Brush With Death Shot Down in WWII Hillary
Came Home Early
Favorite Actor John Wayne Rob Lowe
Favorite Baseball Team Braves Dodgers
Favorite Bill Job Training 2000 Himself
Anti-Drug Policy Just Say No Don't Inhale
Looking Forward To Ending Recession Legalizing Prostitution
The United States of America
presents
The Not Ready For Prime Time Administration
Starring HILLARYYYYY CLINTON
Co-starring her smiling husband, Billie Jeff
And Featuring
Donna "Poltergeist Psychic" Shalala
Robert "don't need the leg room" Reich
Ron "didn't pay social security either" Brown
Roberta "never met a woman she didn't like" Auchenberg
Janet "never met a man she did like" Reno
Warren "lied to Congress too" Christopher
Lloyd "agreed with Dukakis too" Bentsen
George "he'll say anything" Stephanopoulos
Dede "what's my job" Meyers
Hazel "who's she" O'Leary
And the all Male chorus line from the Little Getcher Hard Rocks
Off Cafe
(c) Matt Giwer
THE DECLARATION OF CLINTONDEPENDENCE...
(with original words from Declaration of Independence in UPPERCASE...
as transcribed by jPm)
WHEN IN THE COURSE OF HUMAN EVENTS, IT BECOMES NECESSARY
FOR ONE PEOPLE [or a multicultural society] TO DISSOLVE THE
POLITICAL BANDS WHICH HAVE CONNECTED THEM TO ANOTHER, AND TO
ASSUME AMONG THE POWERS OF THE EARTH, THE SEPARATE AND EQUAL
[,yet culturally diverse,] STATION TO WHICH THE LAWS OF NATURE
AND OF NATURE'S GOD [nature] ENTITLE THEM, A DECENT RESPECT
TO THE OPINIONS OF MANKIND [peoples of political incorrectness]
REQUIRES THAT THEY [the patriots of change] DECLARE THE CAUSES
WHICH IMPEL THEM TO THE SEPARATION.
WE HOLD THESE TRUTHS TO BE SELF-EVIDENT THAT ALL MEN [especially
womyn] ARE CREATED EQUAL [and therefore entitled to tailor-made
bludgeons of litigation for the enhancement of this equality], THEY
ARE ENDOWED BY THEIR CREATOR WITH CERTAIN INALIENABLE RIGHTS, THAT
AMONG THESE ARE LIFE, LIBERTY, AND THE PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS, [and
government provided retirement benefits and government provided
shelter and government provided food and government provided
unemployment insurance and government provided education and
government provided health care ...]--THAT TO SECURE THESE RIGHTS,
GOVERNMENTS ARE INSTITUTED AMONG MEN [and maintained by bean-counted
people to provide proportional representation of every distinguishable
human attribute], DERIVING THEIR JUST POWERS FROM THE CONSENT OF [43%
of] THE GOVERNED [which includes the recipients of the said
inalienable rights], THAT WHENEVER ANY FORM OF GOVERNMENT BECOMES
DESTRUCTIVE OF THESE ENDS [viz: providing the complete livelihoods of
the citizens], IT IS THE RIGHT OF THE PEOPLE [all 43%] TO ALTER OR TO
ABOLISH IT, AND TO INSTITUTE NEW GOVERNMENT, LAYING ITS FOUNDATION ON
SUCH PRINCIPLES [or lack there of], AND ORGANIZING ITS POWERS IN SUCH
FORM, AS TO THEM SHALL SEEM MOST LIKELY TO EFFECT THEIR SAFETY AND
HAPPINESS [and transfer wealth to them]. PRUDENCE, IN DEED, WILL
DICTATE THAT GOVERNMENTS LONG ESTABLISHED SHOULD NOT BE CHANGED FOR
LIGHT AND TRANSIENT CAUSES [but, rather for the catchy, undefined
slogan of "Change!"]; AND ACCORDINGLY ALL EXPERIENCE HATH SHOWN THAT
MANKIND ARE MORE DISPOSED TO SUFFER [evils such as self sufficiency],
WHILE EVILS ARE SUFFERABLE , THAN TO RIGHT THEMSELVES BY ABOLISHING
THE FORMS [of self sufficiency] THEY ARE ACCUSTOMED [and replacing
them with "a free ride on the government gravy boat"]. BUT WHEN A
LONG TRAIN OF ABUSES AND USURPATIONS [i.e. the longest economic boom
in U.S. history while competing against the most competitive economic
world market in history ], PURSUING INVARIABLY THE SAME OBJECT,
EVINCES A DESIGN TO REDUCE THEM UNDER ABSOLUTE DESPOTISM [such as
encouraging individual success rather than collective dependence on
government], IT IS THEIR RIGHT, IT IS THEIR [patriotic] DUTY, TO THROW
OF SUCH GOVERNMENT, AND TO PROVIDE [contributions and] NEW GUARDS FOR
THEIR COLONIES; AND SUCH IS NOW THE NECESSITY WHICH CONSTRAINS THEM TO
ALTER THEIR FORMER SYSTEMS OF GOVERNMENT. THE HISTORY OF THE PRESENT
KING OF GREAT-BRITAIN [usa] IS A HISTORY OF REPEATED INJURIES AND
USURPATIONS [and refusal to acknowledge and protect the inalienable
right to receive wealth redistribution payments], ALL HAVING IN DIRECT
OBJECT THE ESTABLISHMENT OF AN ABSOLUTE TYRANNY OVER THESE STATES. TO
PROVE THIS, LET THE FACTS BE SUBMITTED TO A CANDID WORLD. [crimes of
"King" George and his party follow]
HE HAS REFUSED TO ASSENT TO LAWS, THE MOST WHOLESOME FOR THE PUBLIC
GOOD [such as pork barrel packages and encouraging the immigration of
people with AIDS while trying to reduce public health care costs].
In article wrote:
-Thought I'd put a little fun in my life. So I sent the Clinton Jokes list to
Clinton. After a hard day, I thought our beloved President would love to have
a little humor. :)
-Cool idea! Let us know if he likes them......
-Let us know if he understands them.
-Let us know if he can READ them.
-I doubt he will even see them. Everything passes by Hillary's desk first.
-What makes you think Hillary lets him read the mail?
[Someone else wrote]
I've been struck lately by the "appearance of impropriety" so
prevalent in the Clinton administration. With the liberals in this
group pointing at Reagan and Bush whenever a conservative complains
about Clinton-doublespeak, I decided to start a Clinton Corruption
Watch. At the rate he's going he'll hit 100 before the next election.
Let's just see how long it takes.
===============================================================================
96. 3-29-93
Hillary Clinton, in violation of the Federal Advisory Committee
Act, and Judge Royce Lamberth's injunction, holds a formal
fact-gathering meeting.
97. 3-23-93
Attorney General Janet Reno fires all 90 US attorneys, effectively
terminating the Justice Department inquiry into the doings of Rep. Dan
Rostenkowski. (If the Justice Department actually indicts
Rep. Rostenkowski, this item will be removed from this list.)
98. 3-10-93
Hillary's Task Force on National Health Care Reform is held, by Judge
Royce Lamberth, to be in violation of the Federal Advisory Committee
Act. Judge Lamberth issues an injunction against any more fact
gathering meetings "until such time as the Task Force is in full
compliance with the requirements of FACA".
99. The Resolution Trust Corporation, responsible for resolving the
Savings and Loan bailout, forgives the 26 million dollar debt of
Treasury Secretary Lloyd Bentsen's son.
100. White House spokesman George Stephanopoulis is discovered to be
in violation of the Ethics in Government strictures against lobbying
your former bosses on the Hill within one year of leaving office.
TRAGEDY STRIKES IN BATHROOM; NATION MOURNS DEATH
Li'l Foxx
Duke Chomicle, Apr. 01 93 Front page
Tragedy swept the nation last night when Clinton was found dead in the
White House bathroom. Declaring a state of emergency, the
grief-stricken spouse took total control of the presidency.
"This is a period of great tragedy for our nation," Clinton
declared early this morning. "However we must look forward to the
future and embrace it wholly."
"The Clintons were always a team. It only seems natural that when
one dies, the other should take over," said former Vice President Al
Gore. "For the past three months, there has been a lot of uncertainty
as to whom was really in charge. Now there's no question whatsoever."
Gore will assume the office of First Lady which was vacated because
of last night's events. At a press conference this morning, he
expressed confidence and caution about the nation's future. "I feel
confident, yet cautious about the nation's future," he said.
Dr. Pat Francis, a medical specialist at the Walter Reed Army
Hospital, said the cause of Clinton's death is still unknown. However
sources at the FBI have revealed that it may possibly have been
alcohol-related.
"We discovered a large, empty bottle of hairspray in the vicinity,
and that very well may be the cause of death," one anonymous FBI agent
said cautiously. "Of course, Clinton could also have been using it to
style all that thick, luxurious hair."
A distraught Chelsea Clinton expressed grief at her parent's
death. "I loved both my parents very much, but I always knew either of
them could do a great job as president," she said confidently.
Cautiously, she added: "And now things are how they were meant to be."
The White House was inundated with telegrams expressing sadness and
sorrow over the great leader's death.
British Prime Minister John Major was among the sympathetic. "I
regret not getting to know either of the Clintons very well since the
inauguration in January," he said. "Also, I regret my glasses."
For Russian President Boris Yeltsin, Clinton's death only
emphasized the mortality of humankind. His own mother passed away last
week, and the service was beautiful although the flowers were a bit
too much. They really did a great job with her makeup, though, he
said.
"I'm especially happy with the way they did her hair," Yeltsin
said. "It was not too poofy, but it was still shiny and full of body."
Riah Selzwit, the Russian mortician in charge of hair, was pleased
by Yeltsin's comment. "Thank you," she said confidently, except in
Russian of course. "I will be honored to style the dead American
leader's hair as well. Such thickness! Such glory!"
"That's a great idea, JoePiet [[manager of Auxiliary Services at
Duke]] said. "Let's put it on [[food]] points."
POLITICALLY INCORRECT DEFINITIONS OF WHAT
BILL CLINTON'S REALLY SAYING
What he says............................What he means
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
"My fellow citizens"...................."Suckers"
"I didn't inhale"......................."I think you're all idiots"
"goals"................................."lies"
"broad-based contributions"............."taxes"
"investing in our infrastructure"......."pork-barrel spending"
"spending cuts"........................."decimating the military"
"jobs program".........................."military base lay-offs"
"Vietnam"..............................."where?"
"Attorney General"......................"the first semi-qualified woman
I could find without a criminal
record"
"God bless America"....................."God help us, 'cause
I don't have a clue"
"Fairness".............................."screw all of you"
"I feel your pain"......................"and I like it"
"Economic program"......................see "investing in our
infrastructure"
"diversity"............................."millionaires"
"opportunity"..........................."federal handout"
"compassion"............................see "opportunity"
"crime"................................."gun control/ban",
ref. "Attorney General"
"deficit reduction".....................see "goals" and "Economic program"
"foreign policy"........................see "Vietnam" and "spending cuts"
"Health care reform"...................."nepotism",
ref. "broad-based contributions"
"The Big Dinner in Los Gatos:
After a couple of Cocktails, President Clinton and the entire
Entourage were finally served. John Sculley was presented with
Grilled Salmon, Garnished with a small bowl of Apple sauce. Hillary
Rodham had Breast of Chicken. Al Gore had Quail.... Of course. When
the Waiter presented President Clinton with the finest Cut of Prime
Rib you ever saw, He Looked at the plate and said " I ordered the Pork
Chops!!" The Manager (Who was hovering at this point, said
respectfully "Mr. President, I was there when you ordered and you
requested the Prime Rib." Bill Replied " I never said that"..."
The current menu at the White House
Mar 22 1993
From Kosher Kitchen, add 15% broad-based value-added contribution.
Certain items may not be available from Kosher Kitchen. Changes in
menu and kitchen by First Lady Hillary Clinton
(NYT Feb. 01 93)
Certified by the Department of Agriculture, won the 1993 Espy
award. NOTE: I more suggestions for a "lite" menu for Secretary
Aspen. We do not want to contribute badly to his heart condition.
Breakfast
Waffles (catered by McDonald's)
1. Pain waffle $2.25
2. Waffle with a middle class tax cut NOT AVAILABLE(1)
3. Waffle with Lloyd's consumption tax syrup (2) BTU-dependent
4. Fried Waffle in Haitian Rum Sauce $3.25
with curly-excuse potatoes $2.99
(not available for Jesse Jackson)
(1) It's not the #1 item on our menu. I don't know who suggested that
it would be, but we never said it would be a balanced part of our
nutritious healthy budget of calories.
(2) With added ethanol. Also "reduced calorie" available, especially
for those with gas problems.
Fruit Loops in milk (camouflaged) 21 votes
trial basis until July from Senate
Nunn of the camouflage NEGOTIABLE
"Chelsea's breakfast specials"
{lots of sausage, bacon, and waffles}
with Quaker Oats $3.15
with condoms $3.50
with RU486 (test recipe) UPON REQUEST
Jogging track hash rounds $1000 gratuity
Stuffed Shelby Thousands of
Ball-and-chain, whipped, & opposition-free jobs in AL
QUOTE: ... The day after Clinton announced his budget
package to a joint session of Congress, Vice President
Al Gore sought to sell the plan by visiting lawmakers.
But he was embarrassed at a meeting in Sen. Richard
Shelby's office when, as the cameras rolled, the Alabama
Democrat publicly complained that the proposal was "high
on taxes and low on cuts."
The response from the White House was swift and
unapologetic: officials said they would move from Alabama
to Texas the management team for a space shuttle contract,
a loss of 90 jobs for Shelby's state. "We tolerate
dissension here," said one administration official familiar
with the episode. "But he embarrassed the veep on national
television instead of speaking to us privately."
/Clinton musters support for plans by courting congress/
Richard Berke, NYT News Service
Mar 08 93 from Duke _Chronicle_ p. 13.
Budget cuts
from Democrats Not available due
to an "emergency"
$30B to be announced and executed in 1997-98.
The NY Times reports that Rep. Charles Schumer was asked why
the Democratic plan (lots of tax increases) is better than the
Republican plan (no tax increases). Schumer said "what makes our
budget the best is that it can pass, and we're doing something
about the deficit."
RLS Mar 19 93
from Republicans Found in trash
1. Rep. John Kasich (R-OH) produced a Republican plan
which would reduce the deficit by $429 B over the
next five years, without any tax increases.
2. Santorum-Specter plan (cut $97B of spending)
Subject: Re: Give me specifics == Yet Another Lie
Date: 9 Mar 93 16:26:02 GMT
3. Gramm-Lott amendment in Senate
4. Sen. Hank Brown (R-CO): WSJ Mar 09 93, p A16.
5. Rep. Gerald Solomon (R-NY). Compromise bill that
incorporated elements of the Clinton plan's
taxes and Kasich's spending cuts. Defeated with
the Kasich plan on Mar 18, 1993. Cuts included
"killing" the superconducting supercollider, and
an additional $60B in defense cuts underneath
the defense cuts set by Bush, Powell, and Cheaney
which were $50B beneath the 1990 Budget deal caps.
Sandwiches
1. The Congressional Special
Two FAKE pork patties (it's a Kosher kitchen,
after all), special interests, and an industrial
strength laxative (to help it go down smooth)
on a sesame and caraway seeded bun (to show
the bun's cultural diversity) $3.95
Tenderheart recipe
25% fewer staff members than the old WH menu,
but have yet to see if the Congressional
Special's recipe will follow the lead $4.50
2. The Social Security Special SEE NOTE
3. Spotted Owl Wings @ SEE NOTE
4. Fried chicken lips (demonstrated by DNC) $120 K
cf. The Economist, Feb. 27; RLS Mar 08 93
5. Supreme Choice Sandwich $13.20
May substitute for White bread anything that is
tested pro-choice, has minority status, and has
liberal activist connections to Clinton's law
school profs at Yale.
6. Carville's Blackened Louisiana Basketball Final Four
tickets
Carville was also asked why so many campaign officials had been
brought back to the White House to straighten things out. He
replied "well, it's like how many blacks you played on the
basketball team in Louisiana 20 years ago - the rule was three
at home, four on the road, and five when you're behind."
Reported in RLS Feb. 26 93
[Right after he had been brought into the White House to fix
the Clinton administration's mess of things, Carville talked
about how "the President is doing a fine job, but the
problem is we don't know what to do with her husband."]
NOTE: Cannot be served at this time, as it is an endangered species.
- VP A.G.
@ Spotted Owl Wings is an actual menu item at the Bordermine Cafe in
Colorado [RLS Feb. 03 93]
Entrees
1. Sacrificial Republiclamb with scapegoat cheese ***SPECIAL***
with Ronaroni memory of 1980s
with Broccoli guilt of Horton
with Quail and a baked potatoe price is a joke
2. The Rainbow Cabinet Trout
(confirmed in less than a month)
in a special interest jus $11.00
with a salad fit for millionaires $9.00
a la Hillary (grilled over wood for at least
90 min.) $7.95
feminist flambe' (a sprinkling of womyn/en) $7.75
with Reich-a-roni (laboriously stirred) $7.50
in a Ron Brown sauce (w/o Social Sec Sauce,
with golden parachutes) $1.4M
with Zoe-cchuni NO LONGER
AVAILABLE
Nevada-style (all croutons from Reno) $8.36
a la Gore (without fish, not cooked over a stove, no nukes
or microwaves, not stored in a Freon-using refrigerator ... hell, it's
just pieces of raw organically grown grass) $9.50
3. Suefood Surprise
with a cabinet full of lawyers $10.95
with a cabinet full of millionaires $10.95
with a "leaner" bureaucracy $10,950
fully serviced by illegal immigrants NOT AVAILABLE
with micromanagement NO EXTRA CHARGE
Children's Legal Defense Fund Portion
with a parental lawsuit and an Al Gore
Environmentally sound coloring book
(bag of crayons, no book - would mean
the death of a tree!) PARENTS BILLED
4. Stephanopoultry assortment (from the "Chicken Plant")
without a Dee-Dessert $6.75
with a large Gephardt role $7.95
special prosecutor UPON REQUEST
5. (Mis)Steak of the Union $10.15
Burned to a crisp. (Hey I guess we asked for it.)
6. Forest Gridlock Summit Vegetarian Pizza
(may substitute marijuana for oregano
in Arkansas:: 01/28 AP Report) $8.95
"WORKING TOWARD NEW, BALANCED AND COMPREHENSIVE POLICY
FOREST CONFERENCE SET FOR APRIL 2 IN PORTLAND, OR
After Years of Gridlock, Action to Save Jobs and Precious Resources
... It is time to break the gridlock that has blocked action
and bring all sides together to craft a balanced approach to
the economic and environmental challenges we face."
Wed Mar 10 93 White House Press Release
Beverages
1. Hope Springs Eternal (Flavored dirty tap water from the Arkansas River
near the "Chicken Plant")
In a recycled glass or plastic bottle
(BYO Bottle) $2.25
"Dolphin-Free" $2.95
"Soak the Rich" punch
We'll back a truck to the nearest
window, stick a nozzle in your mouth, and
irrigate you like some Tennessee Valley
Authority project. UPON REQUEST
2. Celestial Blackmail Teas $100K
[Celestial Teas targeted by the New York Boycott Colorado
group, which was formed in protest of Colorado's rejection of Amendment
2. Story by Walter Smith, Colorado Springs IT Center, Feb. 05 93]
3. Shalala Shake $2.50
Milk shake with PC pudding and a pink flamingo
decoration. Stirred with tongue depressor.
[Inspired by a picture of 1000 plastic pink flamingos placed on
a quad area in the University of Wisconsin.]
4. CAFE au EPA 40 mpg
5. Dallas Cowboy Stampede Scalp of Wash Redskin
Dee-Desserts
Slick Willy Long Island % $1.00
Hillary's health care cookies $2.99
with Celestial Blackmail Tea $3.99
Triple layer-of-taxes cake (SALE PRICE!!!!) $30K or more
Schoolhouse deficit cake $128.31
Sweet death of pro-life movement (Gunned down) Freedom of Choice
Access Act Passage
% Really, this is an actual menu item in Harry's Chocolate Shop,
an adult bar in West Lafayette IN. (It's $3.00 w/tax.)
Source: Kevin L. Stamber, Purdue Univ.
********** SPECIAL NOTICE ********** SPECIAL NOTICE **********
Any item from the old John F. Kennedy menu 15% off menu price.
Any item from the old Franklin Roosevelt menu is 20% off.
Any item from Eleanor Roosevelt's recipe book is FREE!!!!!!
**************************************************************
LIST OF FINANCIAL PATRIOTS
Larry Villella, a 14-y.o. in Fargo ND [Feb. 22 93] $1000.00
"I think you're really a symbol of what's best
in this country, and I'm proud of you and I
thank you for doing this." -- Bill Clinton
An elementary school [RLS Mar 08 93] $ 130.00
An elementary school [RLS Mar 08 93] $ 200.00
Liz Smith, gossip columnist, NY Newsday [Mar 03 93]:
"Now is your chance actively to help Uncle Sam with his
deficit headache. Do you want to do something useful,
while waiting as Congress tries to sweat out and melt
down President Clinton's new tax program? Well, you can!
Simply figure out how much you can bear to part with and
make out a check to the government of the US, marking it
as a contribution to help reduce the deficit.
"This is a trendy and good thing, no matter how
big or small your contribution, and it is something that
more and more people are doing to show they really want
the deficit reduced. If everybody in the country sent a
small check or money order, it could make a very big
impact. Address your envelopes to President Bill Clinton,
The White House, 1600 Pennsylvania Ave., Washington DC 20500."
A prison inmate at Somers CT [RLS Mar 17 93] $ 25.00
WEBSTER'S CLINTONESE - TO - ENGLISH DICTIONARY (FIRST EDITION)
CLINTONESE ENGLISH
__________ _______
"My fellow citizens" "Suckers"
"I didn't inhale" "I think you're all idiots"
"goals" "lies"
"broad-based contributions" "taxes"
"investing in our infrastructure" "pork-barrel spending"
"spending cuts" "decimating the military"
"jobs program" "military base lay-offs"
"Vietnam" "where?"
"Attorney General" "the first semi-qualified woman
I could find without a criminal
record"
"God bless America" "God help us, 'cause
I don't have a clue"
Arkansas 12th Grade Reading Test
Slick Willy, Administrator
Test #1 Test #2
MR Farmers MR Snakes
MR KNOT MR KNOT
OSAR OSAR
CMMT Pockets CMBDI's
LIB LIB
MR Farmers MR Snakes
Test #3 Test #4
MR Ducks MR Mice
MR KNOT MR KNOT
OSAR OSAR
CM Wangs CMEDBD Feet
LIB LIB
MR Ducks MR Mice
Test #5
CM Puppies
MR KNOT Puppies
OSAR
CMPN
LIB
MR Puppies
A father from Little Rock was overheard talking to his son at the
Arkansas State Fair.
Father: M R MIDDLE CLASS
Son : M R KNOT
Father: S A R
Father: C M M T POCKETS
Son : L I B
Son : M R MIDDLE CLASS
CLINTON ADMINISTRATION MEDICAL DICTIONARY
Acute.........................opposite of an ugly
Artery........................the study of paintings
Bacteria......................back door of a cafeteria
Barium........................what doctors do to patients
Benign........................what you are after you're 8.
Bowel.........................letter like A,E,I,O, or U
Cat Scan......................searching for a kitty
Cauterize.....................made eye contact with her
Cesarean Section..............neighborhood in Rome
Colic.........................a sheep dog
Concussion....................a prisoner's sofa
Congenital....................to be friendly
D & C.........................where the White House is
Dilate........................to live too long
Enema.........................not a friend
Fester........................quicker
Fibula........................a small lie
Genital.......................not a Jew
GI series.....................a soldier ball game
Hangnail......................a coat hook
Hospital......................a prostitute ejecting saliva
Impotent......................distinguished, well known
Jaundice......................to include in a group
Kinesthetics..................relationships among relatives
Labor Pain....................getting hurt at work
Leper.........................a wild cat
Malaria.......................shopping place
Medical Staff.................a doctor's cane
Morbid........................a higher bid
Nitrates......................cheaper than day rates
Node..........................was aware of
Outpatient....................a person who fainted
Pap Smear.....................a fatherhood test
Pelvis........................a cousin of Elvis
Post-operative................a letter carrier
Prostate......................flat on your back
Recovery Room.................a place used for upholstery work.
Rectum........................dang near killed 'em
Rheumatic.....................amorous
Secretion.....................hiding something
Seizure.......................a Roman emperor
Serology......................study of English Knighthood
Tablet........................a small table
Terminal Illness..............getting sick at the airport
Tumor.........................more than one
Urinate.......................two steps short of a perfect "10".
Urine.........................opposite of you're out
Varicose......................nearby
Vein..........................conceited
[ Article crossposted from alt.impeach.clinton ]
[ Author was trekker@drycas.club.cc.cmu.edu ]
[ Posted on Mon, 24 Apr 95 21:44:26 GMT ]
In Article [cdharris.175.2F995FDC@cts.com]
cdharris@cts.com (Muad'Dib) writes:
]In article [3n94on$9ij@cmcl2.NYU.EDU] jrs1451@is.nyu.edu (Justin R. Segal) writes:
]]I am meeting Hillary Clinton at a reception for the Annual Survey of
]]American Law (which is dedicated to her this year) on Tuesday 4/25.
]]There will be less than a hundred peolpe, so I'll at least get a chance
]]to meet her briefly. I'm thinking of the perfect thing to say to
]]her and I thought I'd appeal to a larger group. Any [serious]
]]suggestions would be appreciated
Ask her, "So, Hillary, who did shoot Vince?
or
"So hillary, what kind of handbag do you think will go with that striped outfit
you'll soon be wearing? You know, the one with the numbers on the back?
or
"Oh Hillary, I've always wondered - how is Mary Steenburgen in bed?"
Your choice
]
Ask her if she knows about Danbury.
When she asks you what it is, explain that it is one of the
poshest Federal Prisons around in Danbury, Ct. Suggest that her
lawyer plea bargain to have her placed there.
Ask her if she wants you to bake her a cake with a file in it.
[In reference to Ambassador Londo Mollari's dream sequence from the
Babylon 5 episode, _The Coming of Shadows_ -NM]
] in today's edition of the San Jose Mercury, front page, there is a
]picture of Pres. Clinton, from AP. he is pictured from the knees up,
]framed by a clear blue sky, clapping his hands. in the sky, passing
]overhead are three attack helicopters, flying in formation.
] i saw that and my knees went a little weak, you know that feeling
]of someone stepping on your grave. the picture looks way too much like
]Londo's dream...
Naaaah. Differences:
Londo is a combat pilot, a man who has functioned as a warrior in
the service of his society;
Londo is willing to throw his life, and the lives of many others,
enemies and friends, away to preserve and strengthen the Centauri
Republic;
Londo doesn't care if he dies in the process;
Londo is a *good* actor, and you can't always tell when he's lying;
Londo is someone you'd be willing to sit down and eat a meal with.
Twisty Bill, the draft-dodging swill, might *try* to imitate Londo,
since his attempts at imitating FDR and Harry S. have failed
abysmally, but face it..... you can't imitate a HERO unless you can
muster some degree of innate nobility, of courage, of goals. Londo has
these, in spades, thanks to both JMS' writing and Jurasik's superb
portrayal; but Clinton, even with his part written and shot for him by
Linda Bloodworth-Thomason, the Goebbels of 1995, couldn't make the
part believeable.
JMS has created magnificent, interesting, believeable characters;
G'Kar and Londo are both noble warriors, willing to risk all in
defense of their peoples, potentially making bad long-term decisions
due to concern, dedication, and emotion; they BOTH intend the best for
their people, and the result is chaos and danger. They *may* be able
to pull out of the hole and rescue the entire situation, but that's up
to JMS, since no one knows what he's planning.
Comparing a sleazeball fat-hillbilly politician to the likes of
Londo is an *INSULT* to a wonderfully-crafted and realized character.
DNC STUDIOS
Presents
SLICK WILLIE
One Man's Story Of Saying Whatever It Takes To Get Elected
He'll do to America what he did to Arkansas.
He won't inhale.
He won't take us to war... because he wouldn't go himself.
Hillary Clinton as "Tammy Wynette" Gennifer Flower as "The Bimbo"
Ted Kennedy as "His Chaperone" Mario Cuomo as "The Godfather"
Don't Miss the Sequel: GIRLS, GIRLS, GIRLS!
DNC Studios presents
BILL CLINTON as "SLICK WILLIE"
in a BLOODWORTH-THOMASON production
Executive Producer: RON BROWN
Directed By: JAMES CARVILLE
Screenplay by: GEORGE MCGOVERN
Based on the Book By: GLORIA STEINEM
Music by: SISTER SOULJAH Performed by: ICE-T
Featuring:
JESSE JACKSON as "THE RAPPER"
AL GORE as "THE TREE HUGGER"
PAUL TSONGAS as "ELMER FUDD"
JERRY BROWN as "GOVERNOR MOONBEAM"
Special Appearances by:
JIMMY CARTER WALTER MONDALE MICHAEL DUKAKIS
ARSENIO HALL THE HIPPIES THE YIPPIES
HISPANIC LESBIANS AGAINST RACISM
COMMITTEE TO SAVE THE GAY WHALES ACT UP EARTH FIRST!
UNIVERSITY OF ARKANSAS ROTC UNIT
Soundtrack Available On Rated R: Ridiculous
TIME-WONDER TAXPAYER BEWARE
Records and Tapes
THE ADVENTURES OF PRESIDENT BILL
It's Friday night and President Bill is working late in the White House.
Suddenly the big, red telephone on his desk rings.
RINGGGGGGGGGG, RINGGGGGGGGGG, RINGGGGGGGGGG
President Bill:
Hello! Hello!
Voice on the Line:
President Bill! We have a report that Boris Yeltsin
just ordered the launch of all Russian missiles
in a full-scale nuclear attack against the United States!
President Bill: [take-off on a Clinton tirade against Jesse Jackson]
AW SHIT!!!
HE SAID HE WOULDN'T DO IT!
THAT DIRTY, DOUBLE-CROSSING BACKSTABBER!
SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!
BAM!!! goes the receiver back in the red telephone's cradle.
President Bill grabs the briefcase next to his desk,
whirls the combination locks, flings open the lid,
and jabs in a series of top-secret access codes.
A voice comes over the briefcase speaker.
Voice:
Mr. President, is this a drill?
President Bill:
Listen to me.
We're being attacked by the Russians.
Launch a full-scale response immediately.
Voice:
Are you sure, Sir?
President Bill:
HELL YES!!!
FIRE THE MISSILES!!!
FIRE THE GODDAMN MISSILES!!!
Voice:
OK Sir, we're launching them this minute.
President Bill:
Thank you, Son!
The speaker goes silent and President Bill collapses in his chair.
Suddenly, an aid flings open the door and bursts into the room.
Aid:
Hey Bill! Neat joke, huh?
Sounded real, didn't it?
Attacked by the Russians! What a gag!
Hey, you want something from the kitchen, Bill?
How about a Pizza or something?
Say Bill, are you OK? You look kinda pale.
You OK Bill?
Bill???
Reporter: Governor Clinton, what damage do you think has been done
to your campaign by your wife's comment the other day about how
"Hitler was really a great guy" ?
Clinton: (Mixture of sadness and anger, but articulate as always.)
Hillary and myself are shocked, outraged, and deeply saddened by this
terrible misunderstanding. The media hype is way out of
proportion. You guys should know us by now--we would never say
anything like that. And though she did say a few things about Germany
she certainly didn't mean anything offensive by her remarks, which I
might add have been willfully and shamefully taken out of context and
distorted. There is nothing in my life, or Hillary's life, which can
be construed as derogatory toward the German people. We honor
them. Some of our best friends are Germans. My own grandmother was
one-quarter German. And it certainly isn't true that Germans are
excluded from our country club. In my eleven years as Governor of
Arkansas I was responsible for hiring more German-Americans than my
three predecessors combined. We have some pie charts which we'll pass
around for all you boys so you have the whole story. Once the American
people know all the facts they'll understand just how ridiculous this
is.
Part of this just naturally comes from being the frontrunner,
although I never thought of myself that way or wanted to be called
that. You boys just keep taking your best shots. The American people
have seen the worst of me and they aren't turned off by what we stand
for. But this latest outrage is just too much. You boys ought to be
ashamed. Sleaze for soundbites, trash for cash, that's what this
is. We have good reason to believe the audio tapes were
doctored. We're not even sure if that's Hillary's voice. You guys
ought to have checked this out better before launching a major attack
on my wife. The whole story was phony to begin with. In fact, our
sources suggest that this is is just the latest manifestation of the
vicious smear campaign orchestrated by the white house, who have
declared many times that they will do whatever it takes to win this
election. And that's part of the reason that we're so outraged about
this--the very gall of the whole thing. The only Nazis you find in
America these days are people like David Duke, who of course is a
Republican, not a Democrat. But I certainly don't mean to imply that
George Bush has any Nazi skeletons in his closet. As I told Hillary
just this morning, "Two wrongs don't make a right."
It also comes as no surprise that Governor Brown has jumped on the
bandwagon and has repeated these ridiculous charges every chance he
gets. It is clearly in Governor Brown's interest to do whatever he can
to turn the discussion away from his "flat tax" proposal which would
spell disaster for the people of this nation. And former Senator
Tsongas, although he tried to claim he was above such things, has also
chimed in with a few comments of his own and he maintains he isn't
even running any more. Unlike Senator Tsongas and Governor Brown, I've
always tried to focus on issues, and God knows we've tried to avoid
misleading or negative campaigning of any kind. (Turning up the heat,
getting more dramatic.)
The millions of citizens of this great country who are out of work
or scared of losing their jobs or their health insurance know what I
stand for. People are genuinely disillusioned with the way things are
in Washington, and this kind of sideshow just reinforces their
disgust. People have been let down, they've been shafted by
Washington. They want to know whether they have a vehicle for their
resentment. I have always run my campaigns as a change agent. I'm as
much of an outsider as anybody. I ran the first ad against the
congressional pay raise!
Certainly this is a sad commentary on the manipulation of the
media, and the people, by evil forces who oppose our candidacy. Here
we are trying to bring everyone together in this country so that we
can work for the future, and once again vicious lies are spread about
us and guerrilla tactics are used against us. Besides, I thought you
guys were supposed to be on my side. It is just plain cowardice to
keep bringing this up and attacking my wife instead of raising honest
issues like the need for more submarines, my support for a middle
class tax cut, the way Senator Tsongas wants to break the backs of
poor honest retired folks by slashing their social security payments,
how opposed I am to raising the gas tax, or the way Jerry's flat tax
would cripple the nation. Maybe Hillary should have just stayed home
in Arkansas and baked some cookies.
On the front page of the 11/9/92 New York Times, there is a piece
entitled "Clinton, After Raising Hopes, Now Tries to Lower Expectations."
In this piece, the major campaign promises made by President-Elect Clinton
are summarized as follows.
1. He said he would end welfare "as we know it."
2. He would restore America's industrial manufacturing base so that good,
high-paying jobs are widespread.
3. He would insure that no working family would fall below the poverty line.
4. He would make "health care a right, not a privilege," for all Americans
without subjecting businesses to an additional tax burden or rationing health
care.
5. He promised to eliminate adult illiteracy in five years.
6. He promised to halve the Federal deficit in four years without raising
taxes on the middle class or significantly cutting the Government entitlement
programs that account for the bulk of Federal spending.
7. He promised offering a modest tax break to the middle class.
8. He would guarantee all Americans either a college education or two years
of vocational training after high school, under the guidance of a national
service program that would "solve the problems of this country while
educating a generation of Americans."
9. Mr. Clinton pledged to keep abortion legal while "making it as rare as
possible."
10. He promised to end racial, religious, geographical, and sex-oriented
divisions in society.
11. He promised to safeguard environmental concerns without costing jobs.
12. He promised to protect the rights and privileges of workers without
costing business growth.
Good Luck, Bud!
Wary Klink Live-Pillory Clinton
Wary: "Hello, welcome to Wary Klink Live. Tonight's guests will be
First Lady elect Pillory Clinton. In our second hour, our
guest will be Dr. Heidrich Von Schmillshonshtenstenton D.D.S.,
P.A., Ph.D., M.D., A.C.L.U A.F.L.-C.I.O, A.S.A.P., A.S.P.C.A.,
S.P.Q.R., C.I.A., F.B.I., I.R.S., and H.R.S., discussing the
finer points of redneck philosophy. (Titles and Degrees 1.)
Welcome Mrs. Clinton.
Pillory: Thank you it is a pleasure to be here.
Wary: Now, we will open the phones in a moment, but first, how does
it feel to have singlehandedly ruined this country's economic
structure? (Emotional Terms 2.)
Pillory: Wonderful, Wary. It's an incredible power trip to hold the
future of an entire nation in your hands. I won't enjoy
destroying this nation from the ground up, much, but it must
be done. Change must come, and tearing it up and starting
from scratch is the only way.(Radicalism 3.)
Wary: Well, good for you. Now, to our first caller from Xanadu,
Nebraska.
Caller 1: Miz Klinton, I am a profezzor of Eaztern Philozophiez, and I
find your previouz statements to be grozzly offenzive. How
can you claim that a pro Marxist/Leninist/Stalinist policy is
the best course when Lao Tsu clearly statez that eventz muzt
be allowed to take their courze if the society is to reach a
higher level.(Status 4.)
Pillory: Everyone is against me, I can't understand it, I want to help
the nation!
Wary: Next caller. (Click) Umm...this caller is from Pigsnout,
Georgia.
Caller II: (German accent) Hello, this is Dr. Schimillschonshtenstenton,
I regret that I will be unable to attend your show this
evening as I have had car trouble here in town. However the
wonderful people of the town have graciously offered to
provide the entertainment for the evening.
Wary: How is that Mr. Schim... Doctor
Caller II: We are going to watch some film called "Deliverance". I'm
told it's quite good.
Wary: I'm terribly sorry doctor, but enjoy the movie.
Caller II: I'm certain I will, they are such a polite and forthcoming
people (Appearance 5.)
Wary: Our next caller is from San Juan, excuse me San Joo Wahn, Texas
Caller 3: (southern twang) I want to talk to that wife of a commie
sympathizer!
Wary: Please, sir, keep the insults to a minimum.
Caller 3: Bush and Quayle weren't that bad, we have had 12 years of
republican presidency, why change it now? (Conservatism 6.)
Pillory: I find it impossible to believe that anyone could find any
benefit from a republican presidency! (Inconceivability 7.)
Caller 3: You What!
Wary: People, don't fight. I'm sure the answer lies somewhere
between your two views. Can't we all just get along?
Pillory: No.
Wary: Okay. Next caller from Vallder, Colorado.
Caller 4: Hi, my name is Edward Winslow, and I am a former Perot
supporter.
Class: HI EDWARD!
Caller 4: I really don't understand all this pro-Clinton sentiment.
Clinton's presidency will be the biggest bomb in American
history (Metaphor 8.)
Wary: Mrs...
Pillory: Ms.
Wary: Sure. Ms Clinton, your response.
Pillory: I agree, my presidency will be an explosive one, impacting
every aspect of American society. (Shift of Meaning 9.)
Wary: Excuse me, I think he means...
Pillory: Next caller.
Wary: ... that ...
Pillory: NEXT CALLER
Wary: (sigh) from Waldorf, Michigan.
Caller 5: Ms. Clinton, I agree with you wholeheartedly in every aspect
of your philosophy. Your views on the sociopolitical
ramifications of the subconscious integral psychosexual male
egobarrier are simply brilliant. (Technical Jargon 10.)
Wary: What?
Pillory: Shut up, Wary.
Wary: Hey...
Pillory: Stay on the line caller, I'll discuss my new theories and
policies with you after the show.
Wary: Can I have my show back now?
Pillory: Yes, you may.
Wary: Next Caller from New Jonestown, Arkansas.
Caller 6: We just called to say that all five thousand of us here in New
Jonestown support you Ms Clinton, and we're holding a party in
your honor, hey, this many of us can't all be wrong. (aside)
Hey, is that Kool-Aid ready yet? (Numbers 11.)
Pillory: It's good to know that some Americans are intelligent, thank
you for your support.
Wary: Next caller from Gernee, New Zealand.
Caller 6: 'ello, I can't see why you yanks dumped Bush, af'er all, you
know what they say. "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."
(Sophistical Formula 12.)
Wary: Excellent, my foreign friend.
Pillory: Just what we need, competitors telling us how to run our
country. This is what dragged us down in the first place.
(Causal Oversimplification 12).
Wary: Next Caller, after all we wouldn't want to run up his phone
bill.
Pillory: I have a few choice words for that man!
Wary: Too late Pillory, next caller from New Orleans, Louisiana.
Caller 7: Yeah, is this Geno's Bar?
Wary: No, wrong number
Caller 7: You sure this ain't Geno's?
Wary: Yes, this is Wary Klink, Live.
Caller 7: Oh, anyway, you really ought to try Geno's. It has awesome
food. Geno's is my favorite bar. In fact, why don't you come
to Geno's after work? (Repetition 13.)
Wary: Next caller from Fallax, Montana.
Caller 8: Clintons Must Die! Clintons Must Die! Clintons Must Die!
(Slogan 14.)
Wary: Next Caller.
Caller 9: Hi, I'm from Boston, and what I want to know is why people
would elect someone like you as President. I mean that's
like putting a serial killer in a nursing home. (Simile 15.)
Pillory: What is wrong with you people? What good could come from any
Republican, no matter how liberal? (Prejudice 16.)
Wary: Next Caller from Saldo, California.
Caller 10: Ms Clinton, I'm sure your administration will have long
lasting effects on the nations future. (Vagueness 17.)
Pillory: ... Thank You...
Wary: Next Caller from Juno Alaska.
Caller 11: Congratulations on winning the White House, Ms. Clinton. May
your term of office be short and uneventful.
Pillory: ...
Wary: Next caller from Little Rock Arkansas.
Caller 12: Honey, this is Fuzzy, what kind of peanut butter was I
supposed to get.
Pillory: Jif, Bill.
Caller 12: Oops, I got Skippy, but you can't really blame me, after all,
I have so much to remember. All those bills you told me to
sign, an entire shopping list, what size panty hose you
wear... (Rationalization 18.)
Wary: Panty Hose?
Pillory: Bill, that was inappropriate.
Caller 12: Hey, if you can call me out of a disaster relief meeting to
tell me to pick up some tuna, I should certainly be able to
call you about peanut butter! (Nor Drawing the Line 19.)
Wary: Panty Hose?
Pillory: Is it too much for me to hope for that you would remember
three sentences together without a week's worth of coaching?
Caller 12: Next caller.
Wary: Hoboken, New Jersey. (aside) Panty Hose?
Caller 13: Hi, I'm a ultra-ultra left Marxist. I think that if we just
dissolved all the world governments, every one would stop
fighting and save the environment. (Wishful Thinking 20.)
Pillory: Sure, and Stalin was a humanitarian.
Wary: Next Caller from Nattlemeyer, Vermont
Caller 14: I am a Political Science professor from Mannington College
and I find that both sides have their merits. I feel that
more data must be gathered before we can decide if replacing
Bush was a positive step. (Academic Detachment 21.)
Pillory: Look, we won't have any fence walkers in this administration!
Either you support the reforms we will make, or you are
against them, period. (Drawing the line 22.)
Wary: Gee, we have another caller, what a surprise.
Caller 15: Hey, I've got your number boss-lady. You claim that you want
to help the nation, yet your husband said, and I quote "...We
will if elected, ... raise taxes, ... send ... jobs
overseas,... and spend more..." (Quotation out of Context 23.)
Pillory: I don't recall him saying any such thing.
Caller 15: He said EVERY word of it ma'am.
Pillory: I'm sure he did SAY every word of it, just not all together.
(Emphasis 24.)
Wary: One last caller and then our time is up for the evening.
Kalleytrepp, your on the air.
Caller 16: Mrs. Clinton...
Pillory: Ms.
Caller 16: Excuse me?
Pillory: Ms., not Mrs. Mrs. is an archaic and degrading term whose
sole purpose is to keep women in their traditional role as
second class citizens.
Caller 16: Can you please define a "second class citizen"
Pillory: Certainly, one who is denied certain rights and privileges
Caller 16: Such as?
Pillory: Such as... Well um, take for example..(Abstract Terms 25.)
Wary: That's all the time we have this evening, we'll see you next
week when we will have lame duck president George Bush as our
guest.
[RADIO 30 SEC. SPOT]
[SFX - OFFICE SOUNDS IN B.G.]
[ROY]
Hey, Dale - I didn't expect to see you at work - I heard you got
fired last week.
[DALE]
I was. But that was before I asserted my rights under the Family
Leave Plan.
[ROY]
But, Dale - you don't HAVE a family.
[DALE]
A minor detail, Roy. I called the Law Firm of Rodham & Clinton and
they took my case, got my job back, got my gay brother an officer's
commission in the Army, and promised to line my wallet with the cash
they're gonna get my soaking my middle-class, fat-cat boss! I'm on
Easy Street. Why, I'm as good as tenured! They couldn't fire me now if
they WANTED to!
[SFX - FADE OUT]
[ANNOUNCER]
Are you out of work? Do you care? At the Law Firm of Rodham &
Clinton, we don't care if you've ever put in an honest day's work in
your life. We think you deserve all the money you can get, regardless
of your ability or willingness to work. Call today, and ask about our
"Buy Now, Suffer Later" program. Your first consultation is free. As
an added bonus, the first 50 callers will receive, absolutely free, a
pair of monogrammed rose-colored glasses, and a list of promises not
worth the paper they're printed on. So if you're one of the
"motivationally challenged" and want to get what you feel is coming to
you, don't wait. Call today!
[ANNOUNCER #2 - TAG ENDING]
The Law Firm of Rodham & Clinton is a Professional Abbomination,
licensed to steal in 50 States and in the District of Columbia. Call
us today! The Law Firm of Rodham & Clinton - where "Soak the Rich (and
the not-so-rich) is our ONLY business!
And finally, one that's out of date, but this came through the
Oracle before the election:
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:
] O thou still unravished groom of wisdom -
] O great one still and casual as birds -
] O nameless one above all -
] Please answer the question of this insignificant being:
]
] I've been invited to have tea with Bill and Hillary Clinton next week.
] What advice should I pass on to them from you?
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
} Hoo boy. The Clinton administration will prove to be the most rocked by
} scandal of any administration ever. Please don't give them this whole
} list, but you may provide a hint of what is to come.
}
} Feb. 19, 1993: President Clinton reveals that he once tried cocaine, but
} didn't snort too deeply.
}
} Mar 12, 1993: Hillary demands that "First Lady" become a full cabinet
} position.
}
} Jun 11, 1993: Republicans discover that not only did Clinton oppose
} American involvement in Vietnam, he actually fought for
} the Viet Cong.
}
} Sep. 09, 1993: Clinton reveals that he once tried heroin, but he used a
} clean needle.
}
} Dec. 02, 1993: Hillary demands that the First Lady be included in the
} succession, ahead of the Vice President.
}
} Apr. 22, 1994: Republicans unveil that Ho Chi Minh was really Clinton in
} disguise.
}
} May 10, 1994: Clinton reveals that he once tried Communist propaganda,
} but he didn't understand it.
}
} Oct. 11, 1994: The Hillary Coup: Mrs. Rodham-Clinton makes a failed
} attempt to take over the White House. President Clinton
} has her executed and replaces her with Gennifer Flowers.
}
} Jan 13, 1995: Republicans finally decrypt a 1991 coded telegram from
} Clinton to Saddam Hussein: "I'm with you all the way,
} buddy."
}
} Apr. 01, 1995: Clinton reveals that he once tried murder, but he only
} stabbed once.
}
} Dec. 07, 1995: Addressing a group of WWII vets, Clinton refers to,
} "those valiant and brave Japanese pilots who attacked
} Pearl Harbor." He later blames a slip of the tongue.
}
} Feb. 02, 1996: Republicans unearth a private letter to a friend, in
} which Clinton refers to Adolf Hitler as, "My personal
} role model, who I will always admire and emulate."
}
} May 17, 1996: Clinton admits that he has tried bestiality, but the
} animals involved were all vertebrates.
}
} Jun 11, 1996: Clinton admits that he has tried necrophilia, but the
} body was fairly warm.
}
} Jun 13, 1996: Clinton admits that he has tried arson, but the building
} he torched was of little value.
}
} Jun 16, 1996: Clinton admits that he has tried rape, but she really
} enjoyed it.
}
} Jun 17, 1996: Clinton admits to mugging, pedophilia, kleptomania,
} Communism, racism, and once driving over the speed limit.
}
} Jun 20, 1996: Clinton denies ever trying LSD. Nobody believes him.
}
} Election Day, Clinton is re-elected in a landslide. The popular vote is
} 1996 243,975,237 to 2. Election fraud is suspected, but never
} proven.
}
} And believe me, it gets worse in his second through his sixteenth
} terms.
}
} You owe the Oracle a plane ticket out of the country.
mconnect whitehouse.gov
connecting to host whitehouse.gov (198.137.240.100), port 25
connection open
220 SMTP/smap Ready.
expn president
250 [hillary]
quit
221 Closing connection
]] a 200 dollar hair cut? What kind of example does that set?
]]
]] I thought that he would be more caring about the feelings of the poor.
]] (heh heh)
]] :-)
]
] Oh, a $200 haircut isn't going to hurt anyone. Where are the people
] who were complaining about Bush's buying socks for the grandkids at
] the mall, and Nancy Reagan's designer gowns?
Speaking of double standards -- remember all the hooting & ridicule when Bush
bought a few pairs of socks? Oddly, when Golden Boy took to the stores to
buy shirts -- and parroted, practically verbatim, Bush's "doing my part to
stimulate the economy" remark -- those same voices were silent.
What a difference ideology makes.
Some key definitions to help decode Clinton's speeches. More will be added
as the president's meaning becomes clear. Remember, do not attach
meaning to words, it's symbolism that is important.
all - Clinton's constituency. as: We ALL must make sacrifices
to restore America's economic health.
ask - Clintoneze for legislate. i.e. asking:legislating
campaign - actually, this is a misspelling. It really is champagne
promise promise.
change - (verb) redefinition of the term "tax cut" to its true
meaning, "contribution". (noun) that portion of your
income that will now be heading to Washington, as:
The CHANGE we are asking for is necessary if we are to
restore America's (and, uh, Washington's) economy to number
one in the world.
contribution - that portion of your "excess" income that Washington
believes it can make better use of than you. This
'90s term is designed to make you feel good while
Uncle Sam picks your pocket.
Formerly known unpopularly as "taxes" (shhh. don't say the T
word out loud, it's not politically correct).
courage - ability to perform a humanitarian act or deed without regard
to personal safety or welfare. as: America had the COURAGE
to elect Bill Clinton as president.
first lady - this term has been replaced by the title "co-president"
middle class - that portion of society whose range of income extends from
the end of the poor to the beginning of the wealthy.
Also known as the mule class or the "burdened" class.
poor - what the middle class becomes after it makes
its contribution.
sacrifice - Clintoneze for the act of denying self in order to
make your contribution. as: We must SACRIFICE for
the good of all.
Formerly known as socialism, it has proven itself
effective in places such as China, Cuba, Rumania and
the Soviet Union. One need only talk to citizens
of these nations to see the effect.
spending cuts- What the president promised during his campaign. He will
help you make these by asking you to have the courage to make
your contribution. as: Increased contributions must be
balanced by the appropriate SPENDING CUTS.
we - You, me, us, them. as: You know WE must sacrifice for
the good of all.
Since the president and congress are none of the above,
they are not part of we.
wealthy - anyone making $1.00 a year more than you.
(elected officials are exempt).
This is the class of society that, to quote Commerce
Secretary, Ron Brown, "made out like bandits during the
'80's". Mr. Brown didn't do too shabby himself during that
time. He made hundreds of thousands annually lobbying
congress on behalf of several major Japanese corporations.
Of course now he is just a humble "servant" of the people.
Terry Peres
: For the record, the haircut was not a $200 one, but more like a $50K or $70K
: one, counting the expense for keeping Air Force 1 idling. What it cost to
: the airliners circling around in the sky is anyone's guess.
Sorry to correct you dave, but the money spent by the private airlines to
keep their planes in the air for an hour will Bilzo got his haircut cannot
be considered an expense to the taxpayer.
No, it was an "Investment in America" on the part of the airlines.
Good one! anyone else notice that the Clinton group is now number TEN
in articles posted to the net? Could there be a correlation here? As
his popularity drops, he shovels out more of his bull?
RECIPE FOR: DEMOCRATIC PARTY MIX
INGREDIENTS:
All kinds of: FRUITS, NUTS and FLAKES.
Liberal portion of PORK.
Enough dark chocolate to meet the required QUOTA.
DIRECTIONS:
Mix all ingredients well. (Must be stirred up by a FEMINIST).
Cook over a BURNING AMERICAN FLAG until HALF-BAKED.
Soak in CHEAP LIQUOR for a week, sprinkle with diced FETUS,
garnish with whole POT leaves, and serve FLAMING.
**This recipe is based on Ideal Conditions. If everything
is not Ideal then it will not work at all.
SERVING SUGGESTIONS:
Best if eaten with your MISTRESS while high, drunk and standing
on the American Flag at an NEA sponsored HOMOSEXUAL bondage art
exhibit during a PRO-ABORTION rally lead by FEMI-NAZI Hillary Clinton.
WARNING:
Not for Human Consumption. Only LIBERALS can eat this substance.
If accidentally ingested by a conservative, simply induce
vomiting. The best way to do this is to go to an NEA art exhibit,
listen to some obscene rap music, or watch the democratic national
convention.
Clinton Economic Axioms
Taxing smoking will reduce smoking.
Taxing alcohol will reduce drinking.
Taxing energy will reduce energy consumption.
Taxing business will increase business.
Taxing health care will increase health care.
Taxing productivity will increase productivity.
Restricting trade will increase trade.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
AMERICAN K.I.A. POOL
RULES: 1. Put your name in the appropriate space
2. Put your guess of the date and time President Clinton will get
the first American killed in Bosnia in the appropriate space
3. Enter as often as you can afford
4. Each entry costs one (1) young person in reasonably good
fighting trim
WINNERS: Will receive a reasonable facsimile of a Presidential
condolence letter and a genuine replica of the
purple heart the deceased family gets! Impress your
friends!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date of first
Name of young person American K.I.A.
Your Name: (Entry Fee): in Bosnia:
========================== ============================== ================
__________________________ ______________________________ ________________
__________________________ ______________________________ ________________
__________________________ ______________________________ ________________
__________________________ ______________________________ ________________
__________________________ ______________________________ ________________
Friday, May 14, 1993
NEW YORK -- President Clinton's brother, Roger, and another man
became embroiled in a heated argument at a New York Knicks basketball
game, the New York Post reported today.
Devion Arkison said Roger Clinton attacked him when he made a
remark about the president.
Arkison, 28, said Clinton jumped from his seat at Madison Square
Garden Wednesday night, grabbed him in a chokehold and scratched his
face.
Clinton said Arkison "was being very crude...and my principles were
such that when people are insulting my brother or my mother, I felt I
had to say something," the Post said.
Witnesses told the Post they overheard Arkison say, "Bill's outta
here in three years, and your 15 minutes of fame are almost up."
The Clinton presidency has been faltering in recent weeks and polls
show that Bill Clinton has the lowest approval ratings of any modern
president.
[Like David Letterman predicted, Roger is going to be *trouble*.
It's Jimmy and Billy Carter all over again.]
wolvie@cybernet.cse.fau.edu (christopher motherway) writes:
]IN OTHER NEWS: President Bill Clinton announced yesterday that over
]6,000 more troops will be sent to Somalia to protect and bring back U.S.
]troops already stationed there.
A White House insider, commenting on Clinton's announcement the other
day, said "It may look inconsistent to announce a withdrawal and to
increase troop strength at the same time but, in fact, it is not."
I hate it when I finally get my moment of glory and I'm upstaged by
Michael Jordan. That guy has been jealous of me for as long as I can
remember. Anyway, from the "Morning Briefing" section of today's Los
Angeles Times:
After his speaking engagement in Culver City yesterday, President
Clinton stopped off at the Los Angeles Air Force Base for some
exercise, where he ran a few miles on a treadmill and played in a
basketball game. President Clinton scored a basket early in the
game, and afterwards Scott Turner, the man assigned to defend the
President, had this to say "The guys in the gym are calling me Agent
Horgan now [after the character played by Clint Eastwood in the
movie Line of Fire] because I was assigned to the guard the
President but let the shot get through."
-- Scott T.
Good evening. I'm Chris Wolvie and I AM the pumpkin king. And
here's the news:
OUR TOP STORY: The blockade of Haiti took a nasty turn yesterday
when a Coast Guard ship fired on a barge that would not heed the calls
from the ships. It was later discovered that this was the same barge
which rammed the bridge in Alabama and caused the Amtrak accident a
month ago. A spokesman for the Coast Guard stated dismay, thinking
that it might have rammed into the Port-Au-Prince harbor and make
their job a tad easier. Russian President Boris Yeltsin revoked his
statement about hard-line communists not being allowed to participate
or even vote in new Parlimentry elections this December. When asked
why the change of heart, Yeltsin stated, "Hey, my approval ratings are
higher than ever since the tanks attacked the Parliment. I NEED these
guys to push around in case people start doubting me!"
In related news, U.S. President Bill Clinton and Vice-President Al
Gore will be visiting Russia next week. Clinton was not really
looking forward to going to meet Yeltsin, stating that the Russian
leader was not as "animated" a character has the last two gentlemen he
met: Beavis and Butt-Head.
Liar,..er, I mean...ATTORNEY General Janet Reno stated in a Senate
hearing this week that if television stations do not crack down on
violence on the screen, the government may have to step in. When
asked how they would take action, Reno simply said, "Remember Waco".
Now this...
**************************************************************************
(Scene of a U.S. Naval Ship out in the Caribean (sp?), main deck.
Sailor talks into camera)
"Last year, I signed up for duty in the U.S. Navy because I needed
a sense of adventure, a sense of superiority over others. Today, I'm
30 miles outside of Haiti keeping scumballs from breaking the
international blockade against the island. (Looks over bow) HEY! GET
THAT BOAT OUTTA HERE! (Pause) OKAY, BUDDY! YOU ASKED FOR IT! (Turns
to gunner) FIRE AWAY!"
(Cut to innocent barge and crew getting blasted by a 60mm shell)
(Cut back to sailor)
"YEAH! GOT 'EM! WHOOOOOO!"
(Ad slogan appears below)
NAVY
IT'S NOT JUST A JOB, IT'S A WAY TO SHOW YOUR MANHOOD BY WASTING
INFERIOR PEOPLE WHO DISOBEY YOU!
**************************************************************************
The Good Neighbor Political Hypocrisy Test:
1) Think of a person you know, such as a neighbor, or your brother-in-law,
or someone else who you like as a person (i.e. NOT the neighbor whose
dog does doodies on your lawn). Lets call him/her Bobby, to make the
verbiage shorter; but it must in actuality be someone you know and
like as a person.
2) Ask the following question:
If Bobby objected to the thing you are advocating and refused to
go along with it, would you willingly take gun in hand, kidnap Bobby,
and put him/her into a cage? Would you be willing to shoot Bobby if
he/she refused to come quietly? Would you personally perform the
arrest, and personally kill Bobby if he/she resists by force?
If you answer "no" to the question but still support the political
issue, how do you explain your hipocrisy? The police, at your request,
will do precisely what you yourself are refusing to do.
Some examples of where I believe many Liberal issues are utterly
hypocritical:
Socialized Medicine:
Would you abduct and possibly shoot your neighbors if they refused
to buy their health insurance through the same company you do?
The IRS will, more so if President Clinton has her way.
Social Security:
Would you abduct and possibly shoot your neighbors if they refused
to pay into the same pension plan you do? The IRS will.
Gun Control:
Would you abduct and possibly shoot your neighbors if they refused
to give their gun collection to you with no compensation, while you
kept a collection of guns of your own? The BATF will.
Welfare:
Would you abduct and possibly shoot your neighbors if they refused
to give money to your favorite charity? The IRS will.
Public Schools:
Would you abduct and possibly shoot your neighbors if they refused
to send their kids to the school you specify? Would you break and
enter into their house to steal the money they would have been
able to spend on tuition at the school of their choice? Would you
abduct and possibly shoot them if they tried to stop you? The IRS
will.
[[ Conversation between Hillary Clinton and Vince Foster ]]
[[ Ring ]]
VF: Hello.
HC: Hello, VInce. This is Hill. How's it hanging?
VF: Not bad. What can I do you for?
HC: Well Vince, it's like this: we're in the White House now, and
Bill suggested I call around and talk to people who know "bad"
things about us; you know, to be sure they won't spill the beans.
VF: Oh, Hill, you can trust me.
HC: I know, Vince, but, I just want to be sure. O.K., remember the
time you caught me blowing that shetland pony?
VF: Yes.
HC: Well, if that story ever gets out, I was taking an extension
course in animal husbandry.
VF: Sounds good to me.
HC: Fine. And the time you came in on Bill and me, and I had that
strap-on dildo thing, and was giving it to Bill up the hershey
highway?
VF: Yeah, I remember. Wasn't Bill wearing a bra? [Ha, ha]
HC: OK. Well I was just parcticing a little at-home medicine. I was
shoving his hemorrhoids back in.
VF: Gotcha.
HC: And that time you saw me 69'ing with Flavo-Fave, the rapper?
VF: Yeah, that sort of got to me. After all, we never 69'ed.
HC: I know. But Vince, Flavo was hung like a stallion. You are
hung like a pimple [ha, ha]. Anyhow, I was merely trying to
understand the deep problems that our Afro-American friends have
to go through.
VF: Makes sense.
HC: And the time you found me in bed, making love to that female tennis
star?
VF: Yeah. I popped a boner on that one.
HC: Well, her roof had leaked, and her bed got wet. I let her
sleep with me.... that's all there was to it.
VF: No problem-o, babe.
HC: OK. Now here's the clincher. Chelsa is not Bills daughter..
VF: Omigod! Whose is she?
HC: She's yours.
[[ silence ]]
HC: Vince? Are you there? Vince?
[[ BOOM!!! ]]
A friend of mine just informed me that you can now send e-mail to President
Clinton using the address president@whitehouse.gov. Of course, I was a little
skeptical, since, after all, does the President *really* have time to read all
those emails? Of course not; but nonetheless, it's real! But I still think
he can't read all those. More likely, he has some staff people reading them
over, and they send him a summary at the end of the day. Here's what a
typical encapsulation of the day's email might look like.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Summary of Electronic Mail for President@WhiteHouse.Gov
June 2, 1993
Topic Number
-------------------------------------------------
Bosnian conflict: 22,617
Support for Tax Policies: 198
Opposition to Tax Policies: 33,605
Harvard Professors with neato ideas: 288
Same with reasonable ideas: 9
Pro-Iraq: 5
Calls for Impeachment: 16,012
Travel agency ads: 61
Resumes for Cabinet openings: 4,125
Personal from Hollywood celebrities: 616
Barber called back to change appt: 1
Calls from Ross Perot: 33
Senators returning calls on budget: 0
Environmental (fwd to VP): 58,932
Foreign policy (fwd to VP): 23,811
Economy (fwd to VP): 3,096
Deficit (excl Perot, fwd to VP): 17
Health care (fwd to rodham@whitehouse): 1,456
Abortion (fwd to /dev/null): 99,361
Jokers sending harassing message after
learning of email account: 482,697
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------
| / |
| /___ Clinton |
| \ |
| \ |
--------------------------------
||
--------------------------------
| \ |
| Prosperity _____\ |
| / |
| / |
--------------------------------
||
||
||
||
||
(for the clueless out there, it is "clinton to the left, Prosperity to the
right)
=== Thought that this April 15 would be OK, didn't you?
=== Revenue enhancement got you down?
=== Is your personal income now taxable at the new rates back
to the pre-Jurassic era when trilobites ruled the Earth?
=== Mistakenly think you'd be able to expand your small business?
=== Thinking of hiring new employees? Didn't think so...
You need to call:
]]]]]================================[[[[[
]]]]] BILL'S RETROACTIVE TAX SERVICE [[[[[
]]]]]================================[[[[[
We can:
o Spread out your income over the next 9 generations.
o Spread out your income over the previous 5 generations.
o Minimize the Death Tax by leaving your estate to your
Bronze Age ancestors.
o Deduct charitable contributions to the Spanish-American
war effort, or funding donations for Columbus' voyage
to the New World.
o Implement creative uses of reincarnation. Claim dependents
from previous lives.
============================================================
Bizarre? Senseless? YOU BET!
What's good enough for Uncle Sam is good enough for you.
Call 1 - 800 - FLP - BIRD for more details.
Mr. Bill has recently completely reformed the income tax system.
He has come up with one universal EZ form that can be used by
every person in the US. A "sneak preview" of this new form follows:
-----------------------------------------------------------------
1994 Tax Return Form 1EZ
Name_________________________ Social Security Number ___-__-____
1. Enter your Gross Income for 1994 (Box 10 of the W2) _______________
2. Enter Standard Deduction Amount from chart below
1. Married $1000
2. Available $1000
3. President of the US $200,000
4. First Lady of the US $500,000 _______________
3. Adjusted Income - Subtract line 2 from line 1 _______________
4. Occupational Adjuster
1. Factory Worker - 0.0
2. Welfare Recipient - 0.0
3. Minimum Wage Recipient - 0.0
4. Billionaire Tycoon - 0.0
5. White House Resident - 0.0
6. Other - 10.0 (Enter Adjuster Here -])_______________
5. Multiply the Amount on Line 3 by the Adjuster
Factor on line 4. _______________
6. Itemized Deductions (Check all which apply)
a. Used Hillary's Law Firm ($5000) ____________
b. Offered personal services to Bill Clinton($10) ____________
c. Owner of Million Dollar Company($1,000,000) ____________
d. Made Money on Cattle Futures (Amount Made) ____________
Total (6.a,b,c, and d) _______________
7. New Adjusted Income - Subtract Line 6 from 5 _______________
8. Penalties (Check all which apply)
a. White Collar Worker ($5000) ____________
b. Voted for Bush in 1992 ($10,000) ____________
c. Voted for Perot in 1992 ($1) ____________
d. Brought Lawsuit against government
official ($100,000) ____________
e. Inhaled Marijuana ($1000) ____________
f. Republican ($100,000) ____________
Total Penalties ----------------------------] _______________
9. Add lines 7 and 8. This is your Taxable Income. _______________
10. TOTAL TAX
Multiply the taxable income calculated on line 9
by 0.5. This is your total tax for 1994. ------] _______________
11. Enter the Amount of Federal Income Tax withheld
in 1994 (from the W2 form) _______________
----------------
12. Enter the amount from line 10. This is the total
tax OWED. Remit payment promptly to the IRS. _______________
----------------
I, ______________, hereby agree that I owe my country the amount shown
in line 12 above. This information has been filed correctly to the
best of my knowledge. I will vote for Bill Clinton in 1996.
___________________________________ ___________________
(signature) (date)
From a document submitted and published in the 'Congressional Record'
October 1, 1974, by Representative Craig Hosmer [R-California]. The
author chose to remain anonymous...
HOW TO TELL REPUBLICANS FROM DEMOCRATS:
. Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned
somewhere. Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.
. Republicans consume three-fourths of all the rutabaga produced in
this country. The remainder is thrown out.
. Republicans usually wear hats and always clean their paint brushes.
. Democrats give their worn-out clothes to those less
fortunate. Republicans wear theirs.
. Republicans employ exterminators. Democrats step on the bugs.
. Democrats name their children after currently-popular sports
figures, politicians, and entertainers. Republican children are
named after their parents or grandparents, according to where the
money is.
. Democrats keep trying to cut down on smoking but are not
successful. Neither are Republicans.
. Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is
seldom any reason why they should. Democrats ought to, but don't.
. Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper. Democrats
put them in the bottom of the bird cage.
. Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car
windows by Democrats.
. Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians, and eyebrows. Democrats raise
Airedales, kids, and taxes.
. Democrats eat the fish they catch. Republicans hang them on the wall.
. Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican
girls, but feel that they're entitled to a little fun first.
. Democrats make plans and then do something else. Republicans follow
the plans their grandfathers made.
. Republicans sleep in twin beds - some even in separate rooms. That
is why there are more Democrats.
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