Clinton Jokes
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--- SECTION: Bumper Stickers
It's still the economy.
And he's still stupid.
-:- CLINTON - GORE / GONE IN FOUR -:-
Honk if Bill Clinton says you're rich!
First Hillary
Then Gennifer
Now US.
Bumper sticker on Arkansan car:
If you can read this
You're not from here
Abort Clinton
IMPEACH CLINTON!
And her husband, too!
CLUCK FINTON!
WHERE THE HELL IS LEE HARVEY OSWALD NOW THAT WE REALLY NEED HIM?
"CLINTON DOESN'T INHALE, HE SUCKS!"
-----------------------------------
| |
| Hey Bill ! |
| |
| Show us _your_ assault weapon. |
| |
| ~~~~~~~~~~~ |
-----------------------------------
( "your" was italicized )
There was no (C), but the ~~~~~ (small print) said,
Brought to you by The Coalition to Scare Your Panties Off
In a similar vein, I saw a Hundai on the freeway a few days ago
with a bumper sticker that read "My Lexus Thanks to Clinton"
What Bill did to Flowers,
Hillary's doing to Healthcare
CLINTON HAPPENS
"Carter is not longer the worst U.S. President"
"I am Clinton of Borg. Your incomes will be assimulated."
LIBERALS: One a day, and one in possession.
(inside the crosshairs of a scope)
Thank you, Bill Clinton, for costing me my job. I will repay you in '96.
Hey Hillary! Shut-up and redecorate!
My other car was cancelled by the Clinton Tax Bill
Its the SPENDING STUPID!
You can't shit here, 'cause your asshole's in the White House.
If Clinton was the Answer, IT MUST HAVE BEEN A REAL STUPID QUESTION!!
Clinton in '96 -- NOT!!
"Free Willy '96"
Bill Clinton: THE SLYDER
"Hilary sucks, and we all know who".
I'M NOT FONDA CLINTON
Rodhamhood: She steals from everyone to give to the government.
Clinton Health Care: A Trojan Hearse
BILL CLINTON
Why stupid people shouldn't vote.
"The jokes over, bring back Bush."
--- SECTION: Oneliners
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill
Clinton. The Dodge Draft will begin production in Canada this year.
When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he
replied, "I don't know. I never had one."
If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and
you had a choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer
prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed would you use?
Al Gore is a true legend. Everywhere he goes, there is a statue
personifying him.
Chelsea asked her dad, "Do all fairy tales begin with once upon a
time...?" Bill Clinton replied, "No. Some begin with 'After I'm
elected...'"
President Clinton will be starring in his own TV show next
season. It's called "Welcome Back Carter".
Did you hear it took three secret service agents to hold Hillary's
hand down during the swearing-in ceremony?
If the Clinton's divorce before 1996, who will get the house?
Hillary and Donna Shalala are such feminists that they insisted on
the removal of balls from the White House pool table.
When Clinton was asked about Roe vs. Wade, he replied "I think the
Haitians had better row because it is too far to wade."
Clinton's mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be
president. So far, half of her prayer has been answered.
The money clip of the 90's will be a penny stuck in a paper clip.
The big problem with Clinton's new military is that the only way to
get promoted is to suck up.
The American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as "Walking Eagle"
because he is so full of sh.. that he can't fly.
Bill Clinton's 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not commit thyself!
Gennifer Flowers reassures us that the White House budget is fine.
In her experience, the President already has a very small staff.
Bill Clinton has been mistakenly characterized as a "yes man" when
he is really a "yes ma'am."
What do Lani Guinnierre and Gennifer Flowers have in common? (Do
you really need the punchline for this one?)
We believe Clinton. He didn't inhale. He sucks!
The problem with a government-run trust fund is that there is too
little of either.
Clinton should be proud. He has done more in six months than Jimmy
Carter in four years.
Isn't putting Bill Clinton in charge of a trust fund as insane as
putting in a draft-dodger as Commander in Chief?
Al Gore is stiffer than Pee Wee Herman at a double feature.
Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America's finest
leaders: Integrity, vision, and wisdom.
Asked about his views on euthanasia, Clinton replied, "Youth in
Asia are just like kids everywhere else."
Diapers and congressmen need to be changed frequently for much the
same reason.
Clinton is doing the work of 3 men: Larry, Curly, and Moe
Someone is marketing Bill Clinton golf balls. They don't fly
straight but they sure give you a great lie.
If 50% of adults are illiterate, how come Bill only got 43% of the
vote?
Al Gore: Just a heartbeat away from the vice-presidency.
With all of Bill's half-siblings, at least we know his father was
not a condom salesman. Like father, like son.
The good news about Clinton's health care is that everyone will be
covered. The bad news is that it will be with dirt.
If character is not an issue, why isn't Ted Kennedy president?
Clinton floated a strike on baseball's opening day but most of his
pitches are high and to the left.
If Clinton wanted legislation to burn down the Capitol building,
Republicans in the Senate would introduce a compromise bill to burn it
down over 3 years.
Food stamps are rationed so what makes you think government-run
health care won't be?
No one can call Clinton a cheap taxpayer. Look at how much he is
costing the taxpayers.
When Bill's Congress passes a law, it's a joke...but when Hillary
tells a joke, it' the law.
Ever since he met JFK, Clinton wanted to be president in the worst
possible way...now he's succeeding beyond his wildest dreams.
Oxymoron of 1994: Whitewater Development
Have you heard about the new Bill Clinton doll? You pull the string
and it never tells the same story twice.
Dan Quayle's new book is called Standing Firm. Shouldn't that be
the title of Clinton's book?
A George Bush watch has no hands and says "read my lips."
A Ross Perot watch only runs sometimes.
A Clinton watch has two faces and neither one works.
One thing's sure about Clinton-- he sure doesn't neglect domestic
affairs.
Bob Kerrey, when asked about Bill Clinton dodging the draft: "Do I
care if he evaded the draft? Well, a part of me does."
[Mr. Kerrey lost a leg in Vietnam]
Clinton gives the term "going abroad" a whole new meaning.
Oxymoron of the year: Clinton character assassination.
BTW, can the Federal Trade Commision sue Bill Clinton for false
advertising? In particular, for using the title President Clinton?
Truman and Clinton "If Truman ever picked up a shot of whiskey, he
swallowed!"
Did ya'll know that President Clinton was a test tube baby. Just
goes to show that even before he was born, he wasn't worth a fuck!
I think that the US of A got the best of the latest deal with
China, the one where they traded Hillary Clinton for Harry Wu.
Bill Clinton. The perfect thing if pro wrestling is too
complicated for you.
Arsenio:
I heard that Harris [headed for the electric chair] was going to
imitate Bill Clinton... He wouldn't inhale...
Reagan speech 8/17/92 at Republican National Convention:
When we see all that rhetorical smoke billowing out from the
Democrats, ladies and gentlemen, I'd follow the example of their
nominee: Don't inhale.
]a 200 dollar hair cut? What kind of example does that set?
With hair like Clinton's, two hundred bucks isn't ENOUGH to make it
look right.
"Death, Taxes, and Democrats will always be with us, at least Death
never gets any worse" ... A Wise Man......
Why doesn't Clinton have the courage to call his plan what it
really is? "Socialism"
[On the claim that "lying" should be grounds to nullify an election:]
"If that's the standard, President Clinton could get the death
penalty at this point." -- Jay Leno
Re: Spy Magazine: CLINTON'S FIRST 100 LIES
I'm waiting for "Penthouse Magazine: CLINTON'S FIRST 100 LAYS".
Seems like a natural for The Great Fornicator.
After today's coroner's report we may learn that David Koresh
"smoked but didn't inhale"!
Clinton is not a "tax and spend" Democrat, he is a "contribute and
invest" democrat.
Subject: Clinton on Tailhook Affair.
After reading the investigation report Clinton remarked, "Maybe
draft dodging was not such a good idea!"
On the 4/23/93 Tonight show, Jay Leno noted in his monologue that
Clinton had broken so many promises that he has actually run out of
promises to break! So he has asked his aids to bring him a list of
all of Reagan's and Bush's promises so he can start working on
breaking their promises too!
Reporter: Did you meet Satan during your 1992 campaign swing through Georgia?
Clinton: No I didn't...inhell.
I've heard of the Clintons being referred to as Billary, combining
Bill and Hillary. Well, why not switch it around and say
"Hillbilly"... Hey! That fits all too well. And please I mean no
offense to the President. Or her husband.
From The Simpsons, April, 1993
[Bart] Didn't you think there was something wrong when you were
+getting checks for doing nothing?
[Grandpa] I thought it was because the Democrats were back in power.
When Clinton was asked if his administration would have an abortion
bill, he replied "No, I've already paid it."
George Bush reminds many women of their husbands, on the other hand
Bill Clinton reminds many women why an increasing number of them are
staying single.
US President Bill Clinton plans to reduce the budget deficit by an
appeal to sacrifice. The problem, however, is that every time he gets
near a virgin...
Voice From White House] Sorry, but we just have to cut all our
- non-essential staff here
(voice revealed to be Hillary)
Hillary] So, Bill, I'll give you 'til 5 to get out!
Reporter 1] The cult members seem totally brainwashed, and still place
their blind faith in a false savior offering hollow promises of salvation!
Reporter 2] And that concludes our report from the Clinton White House
Slick Willie appoints his wife to chair health care reform and now
appoints yet another Kennedy to be, of all things, Ambassador to
Ireland. Who said nepotism in American government is dead?
The two U.S. cities with the highest alcohol consumption are Las
Vegas and Washington, DC. The difference between the two is that in
Washington the drunks are gambling with *our* money!
"A Gore friend told him to urge Clinton to pick Sigourney Weaver
for Attorney General: 'She knows how to handle aliens.'"
Bill Clinton is *so* fat, when he wears his yellow raincoat, people
shout, "Taxi!"
I heard that some of the women in Arkansas are so fast that they
have to put a governor on them!
My brother explained why Bill Clinton is having so many woes: Bill
Clinton has been in the Flowers and weeds!!
Bill Clinton is *so* fat, when he makes love to two women at the
same time, they never see each other.
George Bush:
"Change, change, change... That's all we'll have in our pockets if
Bill Clinton is elected president."
Heard on MTV News:
"Bill's brother who who owns a band, Politics, will be playing at
the inauguration if Bill Clinton gets elected. Bill's brother will
bring down the house just like Bill Clinton will bring down the
country."
Did you hear Hillary Clinton ate beans on Friday night so she could
take a bubble bath on Saturday?
Saw this on "In Living Color" last night:
Barbara Bush to Hillary Clinton: "Your daughter's so ugly Woody
Allen wouldn't touch her."
New campaign slogan for Gov. Clinton:
Smell my lips.....No more Bush
Bill Clinton is *so* fat when he sits around the White House, he sits
*around* the White House.
About the porno film,
Slick Willie bl*** the country.
And a Perot Joke:
Doesn't Perot look like Radar 30 years later?
Hillary isn't just butt ugly, she's up-butt ugly!
Vote Democrat... It's easier than getting a job
Last night David Letterman mentioned that Gennifer Flowers is going
to do a "spread" in the December Penthouse magazine. He remarked that
it will be good, for once, to see something that a Presidential
candidate has done.
What is the difficulty with writing a PDP-8 program to emulate Bill
Clinton? Figuring out what to do with the other 3K.
From The Wall Street Journal, 11/19, page one (reprinted w/out permission)
"Reality Sets In: Clinton Advisors Find
Promises are Easier to Make Than Keep"
----
"They are Drawing Up Lists of Tax Increases and Cuts in
Entitlement Programs / One Target: Big Corporations"
Hillary stopped using her maiden name when she found out from
Gennifer who the REAL Rodman was.
Which is worse, a Vice-President who can't spell or a President who
can't add?
A little publicized Grammy Award:
In the category, best new government artist
"Baby, Give it Back" by Sir Tax-a-Lot (William Jefferson Clinton)
Hospital sources report that Defense Secretary Les Aspin is having
a "change of heart" about gays in the military.
There are too many bills to pay without having to pay the one in
Washington.
CLINTONIA - any of a genus of herbs of the lily family with
yellow flowers on a naked stalk.
Clinton's pulled over on the highway, cop takes a look at his
license and unzips his fly, Clinton says "Oh no, not another
breathalyzer test"...
Little things get big, and big things get little...you make a boner, y'know.-
President Bill Clinton
(Referring to the press coverage of
his $200 "Doo") (I *think*)
We were so poor that even Bill Clinton's tax plan would't call us rich.
Bill: ``Guess what! I just heard that George and Washington aren't
husband and wife!''
Hillary: ``What difference does it make as long as they love each
other.''
Cabinet meeting...
Janet Reno: Good morning, Hillary!
Hillary Ramrod Clintor: mmmm! mmmm! (sticks her tongue out and
mumbles) Excuse me, I've got an erection.
Uncle Sam stop issuing seven-year bonds on Wednesday. (1993)
[ whistle ] [ whistle ]
Hint: It's a big, big hint from Uncle Sam :)
Why does Hillary Clinton often wear turtle necks when attending Bill's
speaking engagements?
So you can't see her adam's apple move as he speaks.
"When Clinton said he was going to create 8 million new jobs, I
didn't think they were all going to be tax collectors." -- Jay Leno
The trouble with political jokes is that the dumbest one of them
got elected President...
When Bill's Congress passes a law, it's a joke... but when Hillary
tells a joke, it's the law.
[Re: Gennifer Flowers] It could be worse... Bill Clinton could be
caught in bed with a dead woman or a live man...
They say, ever since he met JFK as a kid, Bill Clinton wanted to be
President in the worst possible way... And he's succeeded beyond his
wildest dreams.
The trouble with Bill Clinton is that he approaches every issue
with an open mouth...
Election night...
Bill: ``Honey, we won!''
Hillary: ``Honestly?!''
Bill: ``Let's not bring that up...''
Reporter: ``Ms. Co-president, what are your views on capital punishment?''
Hillary: ``I like it when women are hung like men!''
Clinton is trying to tell us a no-frills medical care plan. Trouble
is, medical care is a frill.
Two birds flying over the White House...
``Say, are you for Clinton?''
``Why not? He's for us!''
Bill: ``Have you heard my last speech?''
Hillary: ``No, I didn't know it was the last one!''
Chelsea asks Hillary: ``What did you have at the state dinner?''
H:``Some beef, some asparagus, and 7,374 green peas.''
C: ``Don't bullshit me, Mom, when did you count the peas?''
H: ``While your father was giving the speech.''
Chelsea asks Bill: ``Daddy, what's a Lesbian?''
``Ask Hillary, he'll show you.''
1994... What's Clinton doing to make Americans happy?
If you've paid your tax bill and have enough money left to feed
your family --- YOU'RE HAPPY.
1996... Yeltsin asks Clinton: ``Bill, what's your hobby?''
C: ``I collect jokes about myself.''
Y: ``How many have you got already?''
C: ``Three concentration camps full!''
Well, great, bring the troops home and send over some politicians.
I understand Lee Iacocca has been consulted on the development of
Bill Clinton's new Presidential limousine: the Dodge Drafter.
]I am new to this e-mail thing, and I had a question. Is it a federal crime
to say "I AM GOING TO KILL THE PRESIDENT!" on Usenet?
Considering the incumbent president, I would have to say no.
Separate vacation plans? Hillary goes to Europe, Bill goes back to
Little Rock...
One advantage Clinton has over past presidents is that doesn't have
to worry about how much time he should spend on his re-election
campaign...
Is Whitewater used to wash the Yellow Streak off of Bill Clinton's
draft dodging back?
Oxymoron of the century:
Liberal Mastermind...
Whitewater Development
List of CLINTON's "first 100 days" Accomplishments:
+-------------------------------------------------+
| 1. |
+-------------------------------------------------+
Bill Clinton...a good reason not to root for anyone playing Arkansas.
All "the government will save you" politicians can seriously bite
me.
Jim McDougal
Would you buy a used governor from this man?
Bill Clinton is a president for our times, a truly composite
president. He has the hormones of John F. Kennedy, the scruples of
Richard Nixon and the memory of Ronald Reagan
]] I believe Paula Jones!
] I DO NOT.
But who can believe Bill?
I DONT TRUST PRESIDENT CLINTON
OR HER HUSBAND......
CANT WAIT TO SEE PRESIDENT CLINTONS FACE ON A MILK CARTON.
"Looks like it's amateur night in the White House again."
- John McCain, Arizona Senator in reference to
the Clinton administration's foreign policy.
"Impeach Clinton and her husband..."
- Rush "I'm laughing my way to the bank" Limbaugh
"I want to use Hillary's commodity investor..."
- Me
The Clinton Administration: Stupid is as Stupid does.
Headline: Arkansas Executes 3 (late July, 1994)
Comment: ...what was Chelsea guilty of?
Democrats seem to think they have a monopoly on protest.
OBHCJ (Obligatory Health Care Joke):
HMO commercial, and the doctor is saying "I practice with
an HMO, and that helps me give better care to my patients."
If I had an unlimited supply of patients to practice on,
I could probably get pretty good, too.
In political intercourse, only the taxpayers get screwed!
Heard this on the Arlene Violet radio show on WHJJ, Providence.
Regarding Clinton's bungled attempt to end the baseball strike:
This may be the first opening day in history when baseball throws
out the President!
Reminds me of the skit the Statler Brothers did on their TNN show earlier
this season...
Don: Who did you vote for last election?
Harold: I voted for Eisenhower
Don: Eisenhower wasn't running last year
Harold: Neither was Hillary, but she's running the country
Bill Clinton Virus - System makes lots of noise, but nothing happens.
They say "Socks" (the White House cat) is a neutered male. (That
makes TWO guys in the White House who don't have any balls!)
(This appeared in Argus Hamilton's column in The Daily Oklahoman, October 11.)
A new sex survey released showed that 80% of men remain faithful to
their wives.
President Clinton was upset -- just ONCE he's like a poll to go his way.
November 1, 1994
Hamas has just today claimed credit for an incredible act of
terrorism targetted against all U.S. Citizens.
They did not even try to kill Bill Clinton on his Mideast trip.
(Heard on KEX, a radio station here in Portland, Or.)
Bill Clinton's popularity has been declining. In fact Paula Jones
now claims she never met the guy.
ObJoke: What do Hillary Clinton and Marie Antoinette have in common?
-Nothing...yet...
[Post 1994 Election aftermath]
I hear that thousands of rafts overflowing with Democrats are
washing up on the shores of Cuba.
"He (Bill Clinton) is the Willy Loman of Generation X, a traveling
salesman who has the loyalty of a lizard with his tail broken off and
the midnight tastes of a man who'd double date with the Rev. Jimmy
Swaggart"
Hunter S. Thompson
Clinton said he fired Elders because she lectured him on how to
*handle* his sexuality ...
Tom Swiftie:
"I'm in complete control here," Bill Clinton said hilariously.
Book Deals The Democrats Are Working On
"The Eye Brows Have It" by Jim Wright. Discusses how people( Wright
and Breshneff) with bushy eye brows almost ruled the world.
"Cows , Kids , Doctors and Real Estate , How to Grow Rich and
Powerful in the Future " By Hillery Roddam. Forward by Vince Foster.
"Bill and Edwards Excellent After Hours Adventures" By Bill Clinton
and Ted Kennedy. From Senate Sleep overs to Water Sports , Bill and
Ted show you a side of Washington 's night life you've never seen
before.
"A Mouthful of Washington" by Barney Frank
"The Longest Day" by David Bonyard . Mr. Bonyard accounts his
battle plans for destroying the Republican Contract on it's opening
day.
"Gee Your Feet Stink" Henry B. Gonzalez talks about his pervious
job as a shoe salesman.
"Dead On Arrival" by George Mitchel. Talks about Bush's budgets
And you didn't think Al Gore was funny.
We all know about Whitewater and the alleged shredding of
documents. On Sunday (3/6) Al responded to an interviewer's question
about evidence:
"Bill and Hillary have provided the special prosecutor with every
shred of evidence they have."
^^^^^
|] President Bevis, Vice President Butthead
I thought that happened in November of 1992.
Overheard at a recent press conference, Mr. Clinton gave spot
analysis on the world's trouble areas: Beirut- "Not a bad ball player,
but Hank Aaron hit more homers. Red China- "It looks great with a
white table cloth."
The Clinton Health Plan is the:
Simplicity of the IRS.
Efficiency of the Post Office.
Bureaucracy of the Dept. of Agriculture
Results of rent control.
The definition of "Elixir":
1. A cure-all; a medicine
2. How Bill Clinton screens nurses for his health care reform.
How about:
Is the Pope catholic?
Does Windows have bugs?
Does Clinton lie?
There was a line in George's speech where he said I raised taxes 1
time and I lived to regret it. Bill Clinton did it 132 times and loved
every minute. (I thought he was going to add: And it's the same way
on adultery.)
Reagan speech 8/17/92, referring to Bill Clinton (with veiled
reference to Lloyd Bentson's comment to Dan Quayle during the 1988 VP
debate; also after joking about his (Reagan's) advanced age):
All right. Listen to me. This fellow they've nominated claims he's
the new Thomas Jefferson. Well, let me tell you something. I knew
Thomas Jefferson. He was a friend of mine. And, governor, you're no
Thomas Jefferson.
George Bush:
"When Bill Clinton blows his taxophone, America will be singing the
blues."
Clinton: "I will consult both sides of the issue on Free Trade."
Reporter: "Uh, That would be you Governor Clinton!"
Study of health care delivery systems around the world
reveals that
Socialized medicine gives you AIDS.
Commercial medicine charges for it.
[Background: AIDS-infected orphans in Ceaucescu's Romania,
an overdue-for-bankruptcy German vendor skimping on AIDS screening,
etc. etc. etc. Timor mortis conturbat me.]
When asked about his complete economic plan, Clinton said that
Socks ate it.
--- SECTION: Acronyms, nicknames, etc:
CLINTON = Chicken Lickin' Idiot Now Taking Over Nation
CLINTON = Crazy Liberal Intent On Needlessly Trashing Our Nation
CLINTON = Clearly Loose Internal Navigation Techniques Occupy Never-Neverland
Clinton == Compulsive Liar Is Nations Top Official Now
HILLARY: highly inexperienced left-liberal academic righteous yuppies!
GORE = Gennifer's Only Remaining Enterprise
GORE = Greatly Oriented to Radical Ecology
EARTH DAY = Ecological Alarmism Retold To Hysterical Dopes And Youngsters
GORE = Great One Regulating Everything
Spelling correction
Diane Feinstein = definite insane
Hillary nicknames:
Wicked witch of the west wing
Hilla the Hun
Clinton Nicknames:
McPresident
Dollar Bill
The Bill we'll be paying for years.
Commander-in-thief
Wilhelm Von TaxUndSpendenHeim
Bilhelm Von Bubbastein
Wilhelm Von KleinerStein (Lil' Rock Ark. in German!)
Hillary Rodham
One-term-Willy-Nilly
the Great Pretender
Bilhelm HotAirenHof
Willy the Weasel
Clinton/Gore: They have what it takes to take what you've got!
What does "BTU" stand for?
-Buy Thermal Underwear
-Big Time Unemployment
-Bill's Tax Utopia
Really really short modern bestsellers:
Attractive leaders of the Feminist Movement
Clinton Policies that actually save money
The Logic of the Politically Correct
History of the Countries where Socialism worked
Good Points of Clinton's Health Program
Nazi-Feminists that Makes Sense
The Differences Between the PC Movement and McCarthyism
"The Submissive Woman" by Hillary (Rodham) Clinton.
"Life During Wartime" by Bill Clinton.
Avoiding the Tax and Spend Government - by Slick Willy
"Why People are More Important than Animals" - Greenpeace
"Deep-Thinking Liberals"
"The Contribution of Political Correctness to Free Speech"
"Why Political Correctness is not Censorship"
"The Merits of Gun Control"
"Feminists Worth Marrying"
"How Mass Unemployment Helps the Economy" - by various socialists
"To Tell the Truth" - by President Bill Clinton
Unshakeable Principles I Live By - by Bill Clinton
Our Sex Life Since Gennifer Flowers - by Hillary Clinton
The Golden Voice of Roger Clinton
Roger Clinton: My Career Without My Brother Bill
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