Scripts

Airplane

OPERATOR: EXCUSE ME, This is the operator Captain Oever, I have an emergency call on line 5 from a Mr. Hamm.
OEVER All right, Give me Hamm on 5, hold the Mayo.

Blackadder Lines

"As the good Lord says, love thy fellow man as you love yourself, unless they are Turks, then kill the bastards".
- King Richard IV, leaving for a Crusade, BA1

Blackadder, the Cavalier Years

Baldrick: Do you think the Roundheads will find him?
Edmund: Certainly not. I've assured him that he is as likely to be caught as fox being chased by a pack of one-legged hunting tortoises.

Blackadder's Christmas Carol

Ebenezer: Oh, dear! This high infant-mortality rate is a real devil when it comes to staging quality children's theatre. What did you do?
Baldrick: Got another Jesus.
Ebenezer: Oh, thank goodness. ...and his name?
Baldrick: `Spot'. There weren't any more children, so we had to settle for a dog instead.

Erik the Viking

ERIK: I don't suppose you... you DO like me at all?
HELGA: What d'you expect? You come in here, burn my village, kill my family and try to rape me...

Fake Starwars Episode III

As a prelude to Star Wars

Monty Python & The Search for the Holy Grail

BRIDGEKEEPER What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
ARTHUR What do you mean? An African or European swallow? BRIDGEKEEPER Er ... I don't know that ... Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh!

Monty Python's Life of Brian

Elder Stop, stop. Will you stop that... stop it. Now look. No-one is to stone anyone until I blow this whistle. Do you understand? Even, and I want to make this absolutely clear; even if they do say Jehovah.
--[The shocked women stone the elder to death, ending in the dropping of a huge bolder on his fallen body.]

Monty Python's Meaning of Life

GRIM REAPERBe quiet! You Englishmen... You're all so fucking pompous and none of you have got any balls.

Monty Python Sketches

FOUR YORKSHIREMAN SKETCH, Lumberjack Song, THE SILLY ELECTION, etc.

More Monty Python's Sketches

Spam Sketch, Spanish Inquisition Sketch, etc.

Monty Python's Philosopher's Song

Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
Who was very rarely stable.
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
Who could think you under the table.

The Princess Bride

Miracle Max:Yeah, True Love is the greatest thing in the world, except for a nice MLT---mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich, when the mutton is nice and lean, and the tomato is ripe. < makes puckering sound > They're so perky. I love that. But that's not what he said---he distinctly said "To blave" and as we all know, to blave means to bluff, heh? So you were probably playing cards, and he cheated--

Red Dwarf Quotes

Holly: I am Holly, the ship's computer, with an I.Q. of 6000 -- the same I.Q. of 6000 P.E. teachers.

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