MONTY PYTHON'S
THE MEANING OF LIFE
written by and starring
GRAHAM CHAPMAN * JOHN CLEESE
TERRY GILLIAM * TERRY JONES
ERIC IDLE * MICHAEL PALIN
directed by TERRY JONES
animation & special sequences by TERRY GILLIAM
produced by JOHN GOLDSTONE
FIRST FISH
Morning.
SECOND FISH
Morning.
THIRD FISH
Morning.
FOURTH FISH
Morning.
THIRD FISH
Morning.
FIRST FISH
Morning.
SECOND FISH
Morning.
FOURTH FISH
What's new?
FIRST FISH
Not much.
FIFTH AND SIXTH FISH
Morning.
THE OTHERS
Morning, morning, morning.
FIRST FISH
Frank was just asking what's new.
FIFTH FISH
Was he?
FIRST FISH
Yeah. Uh huh...
THIRD FISH
Hey, look. Howard's being eaten.
SECOND FISH
Is he?
[They move forward to watch a waiter serving a large grilled fish to a
large man.]
SECOND FISH
Makes you think doesn't it?
FOURTH FISH
I mean... what's it all about?
FIFTH FISH
Beats me.
Why are we here, what is life all about?
Is God really real, or is there some doubt?
Well tonight we're going to sort it all out,
For tonight it's the Meaning of Life.
What's the point of all these hoax?
Is it the chicken and egg time, are we all just yolks?
Or perhaps, we're just one of God's little jokes,
Well ca c'est the Meaning of Life.
Is life just a game where we make up the rules
While we're searching for something to say
Or are we just simple spiraling coils
Of self-replicating DNA?
What is life? What is our fate?
Is there Heaven and Hell? Do we reincarnate?
Is mankind evolving or is it too late?
Well tonight here's the Meaning of Life.
For millions this life is a sad vale of tears
Sitting round with really nothing to say
While scientists say we're just simply spiraling coils
Of self-replicating DNA.
So just why, why are we here?
And just what, what, what, what do we fear?
Well ce soir, for a change, it will all be made clear,
For this is the Meaning of Life - c'est le sens de la vie -
This is the Meaning of Life.
THE MEANING OF LIFE
-------------------
PART I
THE MIRACLE OF BIRTH
[Hospital corridor. A mother-to-be is being wheeled very fast down the
corridor on a trolley, which crashes through several sets of doors. A
nurse with her slips into a consultant's room, where one doctor is
throwing beer mats through the crooked arm of another.]
FIRST DOCTOR
One thousand and eight!
NURSE
Mrs. Moore's contractions are more frequent, doctor.
FIRST DOCTOR
Good. Take her into the foetus-frightening room.
NURSE
Right.
[They pass through the delivery room.]
FIRST DOCTOR
Bit bare in here today. isn't it?
SECOND DOCTOR
Yeees.
FIRST DOCTOR
More apparatus please, nurse.
NURSE
Yes doctor.
FIRST DOCTOR
Yes, the EEG, the BP monitor and the AVV, please.
SECOND DOCTOR
And get the machine that goes 'Ping'!
FIRST DOCTOR
And get the most expensive machines in case the administrator comes.
[Apparatus starts pouring into the room. The mother is lost behind
various bits of equipment.]
FIRST DOCTOR
That's better, that's much better.
SECOND DOCTOR
Yeeees. More like it.
FIRST DOCTOR
Still something missing, though. [They think hard for a few moments.]
FIRST AND SECOND DOCTORS
Patient?
SECOND DOCTOR
Where's the patient?
FIRST DOCTOR
Anyone seen the patient?
SECOND DOCTOR
Patient!
NURSE
Ah, here she is.
FIRST DOCTOR
Bring her round.
SECOND DOCTOR
Mind the machine!
FIRST DOCTOR
Come along!
SECOND DOCTOR
Jump up there. Hup!
FIRST DOCTOR
Hallo! Now, don't you worry.
SECOND DOCTOR
We'll soon have you cured.
FIRST DOCTOR
Leave it all to us, you'll never know what hit you.
FIRST AND SECOND DOCTORS
Goodbye, goodbye! Drips up! Injections.
SECOND DOCTOR
Can I put the tube in the baby's head?
FIRST DOCTOR
Only if I can do the epesiotomy.
SECOND DOCTOR
Okay.
FIRST DOCTOR
Now, legs up.
[The legs are put in the stirrups, while the Doctors open the doors
opposite.]
FIRST AND SECOND DOCTORS
Come on. Come on, all of you. That's it, jolly good. Come on. Come
on. Spread round there.
[A small horde enters, largely medical but with two Japanese with
cameras and video equipment. The first doctor bumps into a man.]
FIRST DOCTOR
Who are you?
MAN
I'm the husband.
FIRST DOCTOR
I'm sorry. Only people involved are allowed in here.
[The husband leaves.]
MRS. MOORE
What do I do?
SECOND DOCTOR
Yes?
MRS. MOORE
What's that for?
[She points to a machine.]
FIRST DOCTOR
That's the machine that goes 'Ping'!
[It goes 'Ping'.]
FIRST DOCTOR
You see. It means that your baby is still alive.
SECOND DOCTOR
And that's the most expensive machine in the whole hospital.
FIRST DOCTOR
Yes, it cost over three quarters of a million pounds.
SECOND DOCTOR
Aren't you lucky!
NURSE
The administrator's here, doctor.
FIRST DOCTOR
Switch everything on!
[They do so. Everything flashes and beeps and thuds. Enter the
administrator...]
ADMINISTRATOR
Morning, gentlemen.
FIRST AND SECOND DOCTORS
Morning Mr. Pycroft.
ADMINISTRATOR
Very impressive. What are you doing this morning?
FIRST DOCTOR
It's a birth.
ADMINISTRATOR
And what sort of thing is that?
SECOND DOCTOR
Well, that's when we take a new baby out of a lady's tummy.
ADMINISTRATOR
Wonderful what we can do nowadays. Ah! I see you have the machine that
goes 'Ping'. This is my favorite. You see we lease this back to the
company we sold it to. That way it comes under the monthly current
budget and not the capital account. [They all applaud.] Thank you,
thank you. We try to do our best. Well, do carry on.
[He leaves.]
NURSE
Oh, the vulva's dilating, doctor.
FIRST DOCTOR
Yes, there's the head. Yes, four centimeters, five, six centimeters...
FIRST AND SECOND DOCTORS
Lights! Amplify the ping machine. Masks up! Suction! Eyes down for a
full house! Here it comes!
[The baby arrives.]
FIRST DOCTOR
And frighten it!
[They grab the baby, hold it upside down, slap it, poke tubes up its
nose, hose it with cold water. Then the baby is placed on a wooden
chopping block and the umbilicus severed with a chopper.]
And the rough towels!
[It is dried with rough towels.]
Show it to the mother.
[It is shown to the mother.]
FIRST AND SECOND DOCTORS
That's enough! Right. Sedate her, number the child. Measure it, blood
type it and... *isolate* it.
NURSE
OK, show's over.
MRS. MOORE
Is it a boy or a girl?
FIRST DOCTOR
Now I think it's a little early to start imposing roles on it, don't
you? Now a world of advice. You may find that you suffer for some time
a totally irrational feeling of depression. PND is what we doctors
call it. So it's lots of happy pills for you, and you can find out all
about the birth when you get home. It's available on Betamax, VHS and
Super 8.
THE MEANING OF LIFE
-------------------
THE MIRACLE OF BIRTH
PART 2
THE THIRD WORLD
Yorkshire
[A northern street. Dad is marching home. We see his house. A stork
flies above it, and drops a baby down the chimney.]
DAD
Oh bloody hell.
[Inside the house. A pregnant woman is at the sink. With a cry a
new-born baby, complete with umbilical cord, drops from between her
legs onto the floor.]
MOTHER
Get that would you, Deirdre...
GIRL
All right, Mum.
[The girl takes the baby. Mum carries on.]
[Dad comes up to the door and pushes it open sadly. Inside there are
at least forty children, of various ages, packed into the living
room.]
MOTHER
[with tray] Whose teatime is it?
SCORES OF VOICES
Me, mum...
MOTHER
Vincent, Tessa, Valerie, Janine, Martha, Andrew, Thomas, Walter, Pat,
Linda, Michael, Evadne, Alice, Dominique, and Sasha... it's your
bedtime!
CHILDREN
[all together] Oh, Mum!
MOTHER
Don't argue... Laura, Alfred, Nigel, Annie, Simon, Amanda...
DAD
Wait...
[They all listen.]
I've got something to tell the whole family.
[All stop... A buzz of excitement.]
MOTHER
[to her nearest son] Quick... go and get the others in, Gordon!
[Gordon goes out. Another twenty or so children enter the room. They
squash in at the back as best they can.]
DAD
The mill's closed. There's no more work, we're destitute.
[Lots of cries of 'Oh no!'... 'Cripes'... 'Heck'... from around the room.]
I've got no option but to sell you all for scientific
experiments. [The children protest with heart-rending pleas.] No no,
that's the way it is my loves... Blame the Catholic church for not
letting me wear one of those little rubber things... Oh they've done
some wonderful things in their time, they preserved the might and
majesty, even the mystery of the Church of Rome, the sanctity of the
sacrament and the indivisible oneness of the Trinity, but if they'd
let me wear one of the little rubber things on the end of my cock we
wouldn't be in the mess we are now.
LITTLE BOY
Couldn't Mummy have worn some sort of pessary?
DAD
Not if we're going to remain members of the fastest growing religion in the world, my boy... You see, we believe... well, let me put it like this...
[sings]
There are Jews in the world,
There are Buddhists,
There are Hindus and Mormons and then,
There are those that follow Mohammed,
But I've never been one of them...
I'm a Roman Catholic,
And have been since before I was born,
And the one thing they say about Catholics,
Is they'll take you as soon as you're warm...
You don't have to be a six-footer,
You don't have to have a great brain,
You don't have to have any clothes on -
You're a Catholic the minute Dad came...
Because...
Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is great,
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.
CHILDREN
Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is great,
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.
CHILD
[solo] Let the heathen spill theirs,
On the dusty ground,
God shall make them pay for,
Each sperm that can't be found.
CHILDREN
Every sperm is wanted,
Every sperm is good,
Every sperm is needed,
In your neighborhood.
MOTHER
[solo] Hindu, Taoist, Mormon,
Spill theirs just anywhere,
But God loves those who treat their
Semen with more care.
MEN NEIGHBORS
[peering out of toilets]
Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is great,
WOMEN NEIGHBORS
[on wall]
If a sperm is wasted,
CHILDREN
God get quite irate.
PRIEST
[in church] Every sperm is sacred,
BRIDE AND GROOM
Every sperm is good.
NANNIES
Every sperm is needed.
CARDINALS
[in prams] In your neighborhood!
CHILDREN
Every sperm is useful,
Every sperm is fine,
FUNERAL CORTEGE
God needs everybody's,
FIRST MOURNER
Mine!
LADY MOURNER
And mine!
CORPSE
And mine!
NUN
[solo] Though the pagans spill theirs,
O'er mountain, hill and plain,
VARIOUS ARTIFACTS IN A ROMAN CATHOLIC SOUVENIR SHOP
God shall strike them down for
Each sperm that's spilt in vain.
EVERYBODY
Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is good,
Every sperm is needed,
In your neighborhood.
EVEN MORE THAN EVERYBODY, INCLUDING TWO FIRE-EATERS, A JUGGLER, A
CLOWN AT A PIANO AND A STILT-WALKER RIDING A BICYCLE
Every sperm is sacred,
Every sperm is great,
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.
[Everybody cheers (including the fire-eaters, the juggler, the clown
at the piano and the stilt-walker riding the bicycle). Fireworks go
off, a Chinese dragon is brought on and flags of all nations are
unfurled overhead.]
[Back inside.]
DAD
So you see my problem, little ones... I can't keep you here any longer.
SHOUT FROM THE BACK
Speak up!
DAD
[raising his voice] I can't keep you here any longer... God has
blessed us so much that I can't afford to feed you anymore.
BOY
Couldn't you have your balls cut off...?
DAD
It's not as simple as that Nigel... God knows all... He would see
through such a cheap trick. What we do to ourselves, we do to Him...
VOICE
You could have them pulled off in an accident?
[Other voices suggest ways his balls can be removed.]
DAD
No... no... children... I know you're trying to help but believe me,
my mind's made up. I've given this long and careful thought. And it's
medical experiments for the lot of you...
[The children emerge singing a melancholy reprise of 'Every Sperm is
Sacred.']
[They are being watched from another Northern house.]
MR. BLACKITT
Look at them, bloody Catholics. Filling the bloody world up with
bloody people they can't afford to bloody feed.
MRS. BLACKITT
What are we dear?
MR. BLACKITT
Protestant, and fiercely proud of it...
MRS. BLACKITT
Why do they have so many children...?
MR. BLACKITT
Because every time they have sexual intercourse they have to have a
baby.
MRS. BLACKITT
But it's the same with us, Harry.
MR. BLACKITT
What d'you mean...?
MRS. BLACKITT
Well I mean we've got two children and we've had sexual intercourse
twice.
MR. BLACKITT
That's not the point... We *could* have it any time we wanted.
MRS. BLACKITT
Really?
MR. BLACKITT
Oh yes. And, what's more, because we don't believe in all that Papist
claptrap we can take precautions.
MRS. BLACKITT
What, you mean lock the door...?
MR. BLACKITT
No no, I mean, because we are members of the Protestant Reformed
Church which successfully challenged the autocratic power of the
Papacy in the mid-sixteenth century, we can wear little rubber devices
to prevent issue.
MRS. BLACKITT
What do you mean?
MR. BLACKITT
I could, if I wanted, have sexual intercourse with you...
MRS. BLACKITT
Oh, yes... Harry...
MR. BLACKITT
And by wearing a rubber sheath over my old feller I could ensure that
when I came off... you would not be impregnated.
MRS. BLACKITT
Ooh!
MR. BLACKITT
That's what being a Protestant's all about. That's why it's the church
for me. That's why it's the church for anyone who respects the
individual and the individual's right to decide for him or
herself. When Martin Luther nailed his protest up to the church door
in 1517, he may not have realized the full significance of what he was
doing. But four hundred years later, thanks to him, my dear, I can
wear whatever I want on my John Thomas. And Protestantism doesn't stop
at the simple condom. Oh no! I can wear French Ticklers if I want.
MRS. BLACKITT
You what?
MR. BLACKITT
French Ticklers... Black Mambos... Crocodile Ribs... Sheaths that are
designed not only to protect but also to enhance the stimulation of
sexual congress...
MRS. BLACKITT
Have you got one?
MR. BLACKITT
Have I got one? Well no... But I can go down the road any time I want
and walk into Harry's and hold my head up high, and say in a loud
steady voice: 'Harry I want you to sell me a *condom*. In fact today I
think I'll have a French Tickler, for I am a Protestant...'
MRS. BLACKITT
Well why don't you?
MR. BLACKITT
But they... [He points at the stream of children still pouring past
the house.]... they cannot. Because their church never made the great
leap out of the Middle Ages, and the domination of alien episcopal
supremacy!
the Adventures of
MARTIN
LUTHER
in
Reform-O-Scope
presented by
The Protestant Film Marketing Board
in association with
Sol. C. Ziegler, Andy Rotbeiner
and the people of Beirut
GERMANY
in the grip of the 16th century
An exciting and controversial examination of the Protestant reformer
whose reassessment of the role of the individual in Christian belief
shook the foundations of a post-feudal Germany in the grip of the
sixteenth century.
It was a day much like any other in the quiet little town of
Wittenberg. Mamie Meyer was preparing fat for the evening meal when
the full force of the Reformation struck.
[A woman and two rather plain daughters are sitting outside their
house with bowls. A man arrives breathless.]
HYMIE
Mamie! Martin Luther's out!
[Consternation amongst the womenfolk.]
MAMIE
Oh! Martin Luther!
[She hurries her daughters inside.]
Did you get the suet, Hymie?
HYMIE
Oy vay - the suet I clean forgot!
MAMIE
The suet you forgot!
HYMIE
The lard, the fish oil, the butter fat, the dripping, the wool grease
I remember... [Hands over the shopping]... but the suet... oy vay...
MAMIE
[pointing to his head] So what'd keep up there? Adipose tissue?
HYMIE
Look out! Here he comes.
[Mamie goes inside shouting.]
MAMIE
Girls, girls! Your father forgot the suet!
[Groans from the girls inside.]
[Martin Luther is at the gate. His ears prick up at the female
voices. His eyes flick from side to side.]
HYMIE
Hallo Martin.
MARTIN LUTHER
Where's the john?
HYMIE
We don't have one.
MARTIN LUTHER
No john? What d'you do?
HYMIE
We eat fat.
MARTIN LUTHER
And that stops you going to the john?
HYMIE
It's a theory.
MARTIN LUTHER
Yeah, but does it work?
HYMIE
We ain't got no john.
MARTIN LUTHER
Yeah, but d'you need to go?
HYMIE
You know how it is with theories - some days it's fine... maybe one,
two... three days... and then just when it looks like you're ready for
to publish... [Expression of resignation and disgust.]... Whoosh! You
need a new kitchen floor.
MARTIN LUTHER
Oh you should be so lucky!
[A girl's laugh from inside. Martin Luther looks up - alert.]
MARTIN LUTHER
D'you need any cleaning inside?
HYMIE
Oh no... today it's all going fine.
MARTIN LUTHER
Oh well, how's about showing me the cutlery?
HYMIE
Martin - I got a woman and children in there.
MARTIN LUTHER
So there's no problem... I just look at a few spoons... and...
[Martin Luther starts to go in. Hymie stops him.]
HYMIE
I got two girls in there, Martin... you know what I mean.
MARTIN LUTHER
Honest! I don't look at your girls! I don't even think about them!
There! I put them out of my mind! Their arms, their necks... their
little legs... and bosoms... I *wipe* from my mind.
HYMIE
You just want to see spoons?
MARTIN LUTHER
My life! That's what I want to see.
HYMIE
I know I'm going to regret this.
MARTIN LUTHER
No, listen! Cutlery is really my thing now. Girls with round breasts
is over for me.
HYMIE
What am I doing? I know what's going to happen.
MARTIN LUTHER
I'll crouch behind you.
[He goes in. Martin Luther follows, crouching.]
HYMIE
Mamie! Guess who's come to see us!
MAMIE
Hymie! Are you out of your mind already? You know how old your
daughters are?
HYMIE
He only wants to see the spoons.
MAMIE
What you have to bring him into my house for?
HYMIE
Mamie, he doesn't even think about girls any more.
MARTIN LUTHER
Mrs. Meyer - as far as girls is concerned, I shot my wad!
MAMIE
You shot your *wad*?
MARTIN LUTHER
Def - in - ately...
[Pause.]
MAMIE
Which spoons you wanna view?
MARTIN LUTHER
Eh... [shrugs]... I guess the soup spoons...
MAMIE
[suddenly interested] Ah! Now they're good spoons.
MARTIN LUTHER
You got them arranged?
MAMIE
No, but I could arrange them for you.
MARTIN LUTHER
Don't put yourself to no bother, Mrs. Meyer.
MAMIE
It's no bother... I want for you to see those spoons like I would want
to see them myself.
MARTIN LUTHER
Oh you're too kind, Mrs. Meyer... You could get your daughters to show
me them...
MAMIE
Hymie get him out of here.
HYMIE
Mamie, he only said for Myrtle and Audrey to show him the *spoons*.
MAMIE
Like you think I run some kind of bordello here...
MARTIN LUTHER
Mrs. Meyer! How can you say such a thing?
MAMIE
Listen Martin Luther! I know what you want to do with my girls!
MARTIN LUTHER
Show me the spoons...
MAMIE
You want for them to pull up their shirts and then lean over the chair
with their legs apart...
HYMIE
Mamie don't get excited...
MAMIE
I'm getting excited? It's him that's getting excited!
MARTIN LUTHER
My mind is on the spoons.
MAMIE
But you can't stop thinking of those little girls over the chairs.
[Luther is struggling with himself.]
HYMIE
I got to go to the bathroom.
MAMIE
[grabs him] Hymie! I'm a married woman!
HYMIE
So... just show him the spoons.
[Hymie goes.]
MAMIE
And you don't want to put nothing up me?
MARTIN LUTHER
Mrs. Meyer - you read my mind.
MAMIE
Oh...
[They go out discreetly.]
But despite the efforts of Protestants to promote the idea of sex for
pleasure, children continued to multiply everywhere.
THE MEANING OF LIFE
-------------------
PART II
GROWTH AND LEARNING
[A school chapel.]
HEADMASTER
And spotteth twice they the camels before the third hour. And so the
Midianites went forth to Ram Gilead in Kadesh Bilgemath by Shor Ethra
Regalion, to the house of Gash-Bil-Betheul-Bazda, he who brought the
butter dish to Balshazar and the tent peg to the house of Rashomon,
and there slew they the goats, yea, and placed they the bits in little
pots. Here endeth the lesson.
[The Headmaster closes the Bible. the Chaplain rises.]
CHAPLAIN
Let us praise God. Oh Lord...
CONGREGATION
Oh Lord...
CHAPLAIN
Ooooh you are so big...
CONGREGATION
Ooooh you are so big...
CHAPLAIN
So absolutely huge.
CONGREGATION
So ab - solutely huge.
CHAPLAIN
Gosh, we're all really impressed down here I can tell you.
CONGREGATION
Gosh, we're all really impressed down here I can tell you.
CHAPLAIN
Forgive Us, O Lord, for this dreadful toadying.
CONGREGATION
And barefaced flattery.
CHAPLAIN
But you are so strong and, well, just so super.
CONGREGATION
Fan - tastic.
HEADMASTER
Amen. Now two boys have been found rubbing linseed oil into the school
cormorant. Now some of you may feel that the cormorant does not play
an important part in the life of the school but I remind you that it
was presented to us by the Corporation of the town of Sudbury to
commemorate Empire Day, when we try to remember the names of all those
from the Sudbury area so gallantly gave their lives to keep China
British. So from now on the cormorant is strictly out of
bounds. Oh... and Jenkins... apparently your mother died this
morning. [He turns to the Chaplain.] Chaplain.
[The congregation rises and the Chaplain leads them in singing.]
CHAPLAIN AND CONGREGATION
Oh Lord, please don't burn us,
Don't grill or toast your flock,
Don't put us on the barbecue,
Or simmer us in stock,
Don't braise or bake or boil us,
Or stir-fry us in a wok...
Oh please don't lightly poach us,
Or baste us with hot fat,
Don't fricassee or roast us,
Or boil us in a vat,
And please don't stick thy servants Lord,
In a Rotissomat...
[A classroom. The boys are sitting quietly studying.]
BOY
He's coming!
[Pandemonium breaks out. The Headmaster walks in.]
HEADMASTER
All right, settle down, settle down. [He puts his papers down.] Now
before I begin the lesson will those of you who are playing in the
match this afternoon move your clothes down on to the lower peg
immediately after lunch before you write your letter home, if you're
not getting your hair cut, unless you've got a younger brother who is
going out this weekend as the guest of another boy, in which case
collect his note before lunch, put it in your letter after you've had
your hair cut, and make sure he moves your clothes down onto the lower
peg for you. Now...
WYMER
Sir?
HEADMASTER
Yes, Wymer?
WYMER
My younger brother's going out with Dibble this weekend, sir, but I'm
not having my hair cut today sir, so do I move my clothes down or...
HEADMASTER
I do wish you'd listen, Wymer, it's perfectly simple. If you're not
getting your hair cut, you don't have to move your brother's clothes
down to the lower peg, you simply collect his note before lunch after
you've done your scripture prep when you've written your letter home
before rest, move your own clothes on to the lower peg, greet the
visitors, and report to Mr. Viney that you've had your chit
signed. Now, sex... sex, sex, sex, where were we?
[Silence from form. A lot of hard thinking of the type indulged by
schoolboys who know they don't know the answer.]
Well, had I got as far as the penis entering the vagina?
PUPILS
Er... er... no sir. No we didn't, sir.
HEADMASTER
Well had I done foreplay?
PUPILS
...Yes sir.
HEADMASTER
Well, as we all know about foreplay no doubt you can tell me what the
purpose of foreplay is... Biggs.
BIGGS
Don't know, sorry sir.
HEADMASTER
Carter.
CARTER
Er... was it taking your clothes off, sir?
HEADMASTER
And after that?
WYMER
Putting them on the lower peg sir?
[Headmaster throws a board duster at him and hits him.]
HEADMASTER
The purpose of foreplay is to cause the vagina to lubricate so that
the penis can penetrate more easily.
WATSON
Could we have a window open please sir?
HEADMASTER
Yes... Harris will you?... And, of course, to cause the man's penis to
erect and har...den. Now, did I do vaginal juices last week oh do pay
attention Wadsworth, I know it's Friday afternoon oh watching the
football are you boy - right move over there. I'm warning you I may
decide to set an exam this term.
PUPILS
Oh sir...
HEADMASTER
So just listen... now did I or did I not do vaginal juices?
PUPILS
Yes sir.
HEADMASTER
Name two ways of getting them flowing, Watson.
WATSON
Rubbing the clitoris, sir.
HEADMASTER
What's wrong with a kiss, boy? Hm? Why not start her off with a nice
kiss? You don't have to go leaping straight for the clitoris like a
bull at a gate. Give her a kiss, boy.
WYMER
Suck the nipple, sir.
HEADMASTER
Good. Good. Good, well done, Wymer.
DUCKWORTH
Stroking the thighs, sir.
HEADMASTER
Yes, I suppose so.
ANOTHER
Bite the neck.
HEADMASTER
Good. Nibbling the ear. Kneading the buttocks, and so on and so
forth. So we have all these possibilities before we stampede towards
the clitoris, Watson.
WATSON
Yes sir. Sorry sir.
HEADMASTER
All these form of stimulation can now take place.
[The Headmaster pulls the bed down.]
... And of course tonguing will give you the best idea of how the
juices are coming along. [Calls.] Helen... Now penetration and coitus,
that is to say intercourse up to and including orgasm.
[Mrs. Williams has entered.]
Ah hallo, dear.
[The pupils have shuffled more or less to their feet.]
*Do* stand up when my wife enters the room, Carter.
CARTER
Oh sorry, sir. Sorry.
MRS. WILLIAMS
Humphrey, I hope you don't mind, but I told the Garfields we *would*
dine with them tonight.
HEADMASTER
[starting to disrobe] Yes, yes, I suppose we must...
MRS. WILLIAMS
[taking off her clothes] I said we'd be there by eight.
HEADMASTER
Well at least it'll give me a reason to wind up the staff meeting.
MRS. WILLIAMS
Well I know you don't like them but I couldn't make another excuse.
HEADMASTER
[he's got his shirt off] Well it's just that I felt - Wymer. This is
for your benefit. Will you kindly wake up. I've no intention of going
through this all again. [The boys are no more interested than they
were in the last lesson on the Binomial Theorem, though they pretend,
as usual.] Now we'll take the foreplay as read, if you don't mind,
dear.
MRS. WILLIAMS
No of course not, Humphrey.
HEADMASTER
So the man starts by entering, or mounting his good lady wife in the
standard way. The penis is now as you will observe more or less fully
erect. There we are. Ah that's better. Now... Carter.
CARTER
Yes sir.
HEADMASTER
What is it?
CARTER
It's an ocarina... sir.
HEADMASTER
Bring it up here. The man now starts making thrusting movements with
his pelvic area, moving the penis up and down inside the vagina
so... put it there boy, put it there... on the table... while the wife
maximizes her clitoral stimulation by the shaft of the penis by
pushing forward, thank you dear... now as sexual excitement
mounts... what's funny Biggs?
BIGGS
Oh, nothing sir.
HEADMASTER
Oh do please share your little joke with the rest of us... I mean,
obviously something frightfully funny's going on...
BIGGS
No, honestly, sir.
HEADMASTER
Well as it's so funny I think you'd better be selected to play for the
boys' team in the rugby match against the masters this afternoon.
BIGGS
[looks horrified] Oh no, sir.
THE MEANING OF LIFE
-------------------
PART III
FIGHTING EACH OTHER
BIGGS
[now a soldiers-in-arms] O.K. Blackitt, Sturridge and Walters you take
the buggers on the left flank. Hordern, Spadger and I will go for the
gunpost.
BLACKITT
[a Deptford Cockney] Hang on, you'll never make it, sir... Let us come
with you...
BIGGS
Do as you're told man.
BLACKITT
Righto, skipper. [He starts to go, then stops.] Oh, sir, sir... if
we... if we don't meet again... sir, I'd just like to say it's been a
real privilege fighting alongside you, sir...
[They are continually ducking as bullets fly past them and shells
burst overhead.]
BIGGS
Yes, well I think this is hardly the time or place for a goodbye
speech... eh...
[Biggs is clearly anxious to go.]
BLACKITT
No, me, and the lads realize that but... well... we may never meet
again, sir, so...
BIGGS
All right, Blackitt, thanks a lot.
BLACKITT
No just a mo***, sir! You see me and the lads had a little whip- ound,
sir, and we bought you something, sir... we bought you this, sir...
[He produces a handsome ormolu clock from his pack. Biggs is at a
loss for words. He is continually ducking.]
BIGGS
Well, I don't know what to say... It's a lovely thought... thank
you... thank you *all*... but I think we'd better... get to cover
now...
[He starts to go.]
BLACKITT
Hang on a tick, sir, we got something else for you as well, sir.
[Two of the others emerge from some bushes with a grandfather clock.]
Sorry it's another clock, sir... only there was a bit of a
mix-up... Walters thought *he* was buying the present, and Spadger and
I had already got the other one.
BIGGS
Well it's beautiful... they're both beau -
[A bullet suddenly shatters the face of the grandfather clock.]
... But I think we'd better get to cover now, and I'll thank you
properly later...
[Biggs starts to go again but Blackitt hasn't finished.]
BLACKITT
And Corporal Sturridge got this for you as well, sir. He didn't know
about the others, sir - it's Swiss.
[He hands over a wristwatch.]
BIGGS
Well now that is thoughtful, Sturridge. Good man.
[A shell bursts right overhead. Biggs flings himself down into the mud.]
BLACKITT
And there's a card, sir... from all of us... [He produces a blood-
plattered envelope.]... Sorry about the blood, sir.
BIGGS
Thank you all.
[He pockets it and tries to go on.]
BLACKITT
Squad, three cheers for Captain Biggs. Hip Hip -
ALL
Hooray!
BLACKITT
Hip Hip -
ALL
Hoor...
[An almighty burst of machine-gun fire silences most of
them... Blackitt is hit.]
BIGGS
Blackitt! Blackitt!
BLACKITT
[hurt] Ah! I'll be all right, sir... Oh there's just one other thing,
sir. Spadge, give him the cheque...
SPADGER
Oh yeah...
BIGGS
Oh now this is really going to far...
SPADGER
I don't seem to be able to find it, sir... [Explosion.] Er, it'll be
in Number Four trench... I'll go and get it. [He starts to crawl off.]
BIGGS
[losing his cool] Oh! For Christ's sake forget it, man.
[The others all look at Biggs after this outburst, as if they can't
believe this ingratitude.]
BLACKITT
Oh! Ah!
SPADGER
You shouldn't have said that, sir. You've hurt his feelings now...
BLACKITT
Don't mind me, Spadge... Toffs is all the same... One minute it's all
'please' and 'thank you', the next they'll kick you in the teeth...
WALTERS
Let's not give him the cake...
BIGGS
I don't want *any* cake...
SPADGER
Look, Blackitt cooked it specially for you, you bastard.
[They all look at Blackitt rolling in the mud.]
STURRIDGE
Yeah, he saved his rations for six weeks.
BIGGS
I'm sorry, I don't mean to be ungrateful...
BLACKITT
I'll be all right.
[Shell crashes. Blackitt dies.]
SPADGER
Blackie! Blackie! [He turns to Biggs with tears in his eyes.] Look at
him... [He pulls up the supine form of Blackitt.] He worked on that
cake like no-one else I've ever known. [He props him in the mud
again.] Some nights it was so cold we could hardly move, but Blackie'd
be out there - slicing lemons, mixing the sugar and the almonds... I
mean you try getting butter melted at fifteen below zero! There's love
in that cake... [He picks up Blackitt again.] This man's love and this
man's care and this man's - Aarggh! [He gets shot.]
[Biggs runs over to them in horror.]
BIGGS
Oh my Christ!
STURRIDGE
You bastard.
BIGGS
All right! All right! We will eat the cake. They're right... it's too
good a cake not to eat. get the plates and knives, Walters...
WALTERS
Yes, sir... how many plates?
BIGGS
Six.
[A shot rings out. Walters drops dead.]
BIGGS
Er... no... better make it five.
STURRIDGE
Tablecloth, sir...?
BIGGS
Yes, get the tablecloth...!
[Explosion. Sturridge gets shot.]
BIGGS
No no no, I'll get the tablecloth and you'd better get the gate-leg
table, Hordern.
[Hordern is shot in the leg.]
HORDERN
I'll bring two sir, in case one gets scrumpled...
[Suddenly we find this has all been a film, which a General now stops.]
GENERAL
Well, of course, warfare isn't all fun. Right, stop that. It's all
very well to laugh at the Military, but when one considers the meaning
of life it is a struggle between alternative viewpoints of life
itself. And without the ability to defend one's own viewpoint against
other perhaps more aggressive ideologies then reasonableness and
moderation could quite simply disappear. That is why we'll always need
an army and may God strike me down were it to be otherwise.
[The Hand of god descends and vaporizes him.]
[The audience of two old ladies and two kids applauds hesitantly.]
[Outside the hut RSM Whateverhisnameis is drilling a small squad of
recruits.]
RSM
Don't stand there gawping like you've never seen the Hand of God
before. Now! Today we're going to do marching up and down the
square. That is unless any of you got anything better to do? Well,
anyone got anything they'd rather be doing than marching up and down
the square?
[Atkinson puts his hand up.]
Yes? Atkinson? What would you rather be doing, Atkinson?
ATKINSON
Well to be quite honest, Sarge, I'd rather be at home with the wife
and kids.
RSM
Would you now?
ATKINSON
Yes, sarge.
RSM
Right off you go. [Atkinson goes.] Now, everybody else happy with my
little plan of marching up and down the square a bit?
COLES
Sarge...
RSM
Yes?
COLES
I've got a book I'd quite like to read...
RSM
Right! You go read your book then! [Coles runs off.] Now everybody
else quite content to join in with my little scheme of marching hup
and down the square?
WYCLIFF
Sarge?
RSM
Yes, Wycliff, what is it?
WYCLIFF
[tentatively] Well... I'm... er... learning the piano...
RSM
[with contempt] 'Learning the piano'?
WYCLIFF
Yes, sarge...
RSM
And I suppose you want to go and practice eh? Marching up and down the
square not good enough for you, eh?
WYCLIFF
Well...
RSM
Right! Off you go! [Turns to the rest.] Now what about the rest of
you? Rather be at the pictures I suppose.
SQUAD
Ooh, yes, ooh rather.
RSM
All right off you go. [They go.] Bloody army! I don't know what it's
coming to... Right, Sgt. Major, marching up and down the
square... Left-right-left... left... left... left-right-left...
[The RSM marches himself off into the distance of the barracks square.]
Democracy and humanitarianism have always been trade marks of the
British Army and have stamped its triumph throughout history, in the
furthest-flung corners of the Empire. But no matter where or when
there was fighting to be done, it has always been the calm leadership
of the officer class that has made the British Army what it is.
The First Zulu War.
Natal 1879 (not Glasgow)
[Inside a tent.]
PAKENHAM-WALSH
Morning Ainsworth.
AINSWORTH
Morning Pakenham-Walsh.
PAKENHAM-WALSH
Sleep well?
AINSWORTH
Not bad. Bitten to shreds though. Must be a hole in the bloody
mosquito net.
PAKENHAM-WALSH
Yes, savage little blighters aren't they?
FIRST LIEUT CHADWICK
[arriving] Excuse me, sir.
AINSWORTH
Yes Chadwick?
CHADWICK
I'm afraid Perkins got rather badly bitten during the night.
AINSWORTH
Well so did we. Huh.
CHADWICK
Yes, but I do think the doctor ought to see him.
AINSWORTH
Well go and fetch him, then.
CHADWICK
Right you are, sir.
AINSWORTH
Suppose I'd better go along. Coming, Pakenham?
PAKENHAM-WALSH
Yes I suppose so.
[Chadwick leaves. Ainsworth and Pakenham-Walsh thread their leisurely
way through the line of assegais. Pakenham-Walsh's valet is speared by
a Zulu warrior but Pakenham-Walsh valiantly saves his jacket from the
mud. They enter Perkins's tent. Perkins is on his camp bed.]
AINSWORTH
Ah! Morning Perkins.
PERKINS
Morning sir.
AINSWORTH
What's all the trouble then?
PERKINS
Bitten sir. During the night.
AINSWORTH
Hm. Whole leg gone eh?
PERKINS
Yes.
[As they talk, the din of battle continues outside. Screams of dying
men, crackling of tents set on fire.]
AINSWORTH
How's it feel?
PERKINS
Stings a bit.
AINSWORTH
Mmm. Well it would, wouldn't it. That's quite a bite you've got there
you know.
PERKINS
Yes, real beauty isn't it?
ALL
Yes.
AINSWORTH
Any idea how it happened?
PERKINS
None at all. Complete mystery to me. Woke up just now... one sock too
many.
PAKENHAM-WALSH
You must have a hell of a hole in your net.
AINSWORTH
Hm. We've sent for the doctor.
PERKINS
Ooh, hardly worth it, is it?
AINSWORTH
Oh yes... better safe than sorry.
PAKENHAM-WALSH
Yes, good Lord, look at this.
[He indicates a gigantic hole in the mosquito net.]
AINSWORTH
By jove, that's enormous.
PAKENHAM-WALSH
You don't think it'll come back, do you?
AINSWORTH
For more, you mean?
PAKENHAM-WALSH
Yes.
AINSWORTH
You're right. We'd better get this stitched.
PAKENHAM-WALSH
Right.
AINSWORTH
Hallo Doc.
LIVINGSTONE
[entering the tent with Chadwick] Morning. I came as fast as I
could. Is something up?
AINSWORTH
Yes, during the night old Perkins had his leg bitten sort of... off.
LIVINGSTONE
Ah hah!? Been in the wars have we?
PERKINS
Yes.
LIVINGSTONE
Any headache, bowels all right? Well, let's have a look at this one
leg of yours then. [Looks around under sheet]
Yes... yes... yes... yes... yes... yes... well, this is nothing to
worry about.
PERKINS
Oh good.
LIVINGSTONE
There's a lot of it about, probably a virus, keep warm, plenty of
rest, and if you're playing football or anything try and favor the
other leg.
PERKINS
Oh right ho.
LIVINGSTONE
Be as right as rain in a couple of days.
PERKINS
Thanks for the reassurance, doc.
LIVINGSTONE
Not at all, that's what I'm here for. Any other problems I can
reassure you about?
PERKINS
No I'm fine.
LIVINGSTONE
Jolly good. Well, must be off.
PERKINS
So it'll just grow back then, will it?
LIVINGSTONE
Er... I think I'd better come clean with you about this... it's... um
it's not a virus, I'm afraid. You see, a virus is what we doctors call
very very small. So small it could not possibly have made off with a
whole leg. What we're looking for here is I think, and this is no more
than an educated guess, I'd like to make that clear, is some
multi-cellular life form with stripes, huge razor-sharp teeth, about
eleven foot long and of the genu *felis horribilis*. What we doctors,
in fact, call a tiger.
ALL IN TENT
A tiger...!!
[Outside, everyone engaged in battle, including the Zulus, breaks off
and shouts in horror:]
ALL
A tiger!
[The Zulus run off.]
PAKENHAM-WALSH
A tiger - in Africa?
AINSWORTH
Hm...
PAKENHAM-WALSH
A tiger in Africa...?
AINSWORTH
Ah... well it's probably escaped from a zoo.
PAKENHAM-WALSH
Well it doesn't sound very likely.
AINSWORTH
[quietly] Stumm, stumm...
[A severely-wounded Sergeant staggers into the tent.]
SERGEANT
Sir, sir, the attack's over, sir! the Zulus are retreating.
AINSWORTH
[dismissively] Oh jolly good. [He turns his back to the group around
Perkins.]
SERGEANT
Quite a lot of casualties though, sir. C Division wiped out. Signals
gone. Thirty men killed in F Section. I should think about a hundred -
a hundred and fifty men altogether.
AINSWORTH
[not very interested] Yes, yes I see, yes... Jolly good.
SERGEANT
I haven't got the final figures, sir. There's a lot of seriously
wounded in the compound...
AINSWORTH
[interrupting] Yes... well, the thing is, Sergeant, I've got a bit of
a problem here. [With gravity.] One of the officers has lost a leg.
SERGEANT
[stunned by the news] Oh *no*, sir!
AINSWORTH
[gravely] I'm afraid so. Probably a tiger.
SERGEANT
In Africa?
AINSWORTH and PAKENHAM-WALSH
Stumm, stumm...
AINSWORTH
The M.O. says we can stitch it back on if we find it immediately.
SERGEANT
Right sir! I'll organize a party right away, sir!
AINSWORTH
Well it's hardly time for that, is it Sergeant...?
SERGEANT
A search party...
AINSWORTH
Ah! *Much* better idea. I'll tell you what, organize one straight away.
SERGEANT
Yes sir!
[Outside dead British bodies (of the other ranks) are everywhere.]
SERGEANT
[apologetically] Sorry about the mess, sir. We'll try and get it
cleared up, by the time you get back.
[They walk through the carnage. Orderlies are cheerfully attending to
the equally cheery wounded and the only slightly less cheery dead.]
A DYING MAN
[covered in blood] We showed 'em, didn't we, sir?
AINSWORTH
Yes.
[He gives a thumbs up and dies.]
SERGEANT
[addressing a soldier who is giving water to a dying man] We've got to
get a search party, leave that alone.
ANOTHER CHEERY COCKNEY
[with an assegai sticking out of his chest] This is fun, sir,
init... all this killing... bloodshed... bloody good fun sir, init?
AINSWORTH
[abstracted] Yes... very good.
[He waves and moves on.]
A SEVERED HEAD
Morning, sir!
AINSWORTH
Nasty wound you've got there, Potter.
SEVERED HEAD
[cheerily] Thank you very much sir!
AINSWORTH
Come on private - we're making up a search party.
ANOTHER TERRIBLE CASUALTY
Better than staying at home, eh sir! At home if you kill someone they
arrest you. Here they give you a gun, and show you what to do, sir. I
mean, I killed fifteen of those buggers sir! Now at home they'd hang
me. *Here* they give me a fucking medal sir!
[The search party for Perkins's leg is passing through thick
jungle. As they emerge into a clearing they suddenly see a tiger's
head sticking out of some bushes.]
AINSWORTH
Look!
[Their eyes follow along the bushes to where the tiger's tail is
sticking out several yards away. For a moment it looks like a very
long tiger.] My God, it's *huge*!
[The tiger's head rises up out of the thicket with its paws up. The
tiger's rear end backs out of the thicket further down.]
REAR END
Don't shoot... don't shoot. We're not a tiger. [Takes off head.] We
were just... um...
AINSWORTH
Why are you dressed as a tiger?
REAR END
Hmm... oh... why! Why why... isn't it a lovely day today...?
AINSWORTH
Answer the question.
REAR END
Oh we were just er...
FRONT END
Actually! We're dressed like this because... oh no that's not it.
REAR END
We did it for a lark. Part of a spree. High spirits you know. Simple as that.
FRONT END
Nothing more to it...
[All stare.]
Well *actually*... we're on a mission for British Intelligence,
there's a pro-Tsarist Ashanti Chief...
REAR END
No, no.
FRONT END
No, no, no.
REAR END
No, no we're doing it for an advertisement...
FRONT END
Ah that's it, forget about the Russians. We're doing an advert for
Tiger Brand Coffee.
REAR END
'Tiger Brand Coffee is a real treat Even tigers prefer a cup of it to
real meat'.
[Pause.]
AINSWORTH
Now look...
REAR END
All right, all right. we are dressed as a tiger because he had an
auntie who did it in 1839 and this is the fiftieth anniversary.
FRONT END
No. We're doing it for a bet.
REAR END
God told us to do it.
FRONT END
To tell the truth, we are completely mad. we are inmates of a Bengali
psychiatric institution and we escaped by making this skin out of old
cereal packets...
PERKINS
It doesn't matter.
AINSWORTH
What?
PERKINS
It doesn't matter why they're dressed as a tiger, have they got my leg?
AINSWORTH
Good thinking. Well have you?
REAR END
Actually!
AINSWORTH
Yes.
REAR END
It's because we were thinking of training as taxidermists and we
wanted to get a feel of it from the animal's point of view.
AINSWORTH
Be quiet. Now, look we're just asking you if you have got this man's
leg...
FRONT END
A wooden leg?
AINSWORTH
No, no, a proper leg. Look he was fast asleep and someone or something
came in and removed it.
FRONT END
Without waking him up?
AINSWORTH
Yes.
FRONT END
I don't believe you.
REAR END
We found the tiger skin in a bicycle shop in Cairo, and the owner
wanted to take it down to Dar Es Salaam.
AINSWORTH
Shut up. Now look, have you or have you not got his leg?
REAR END
Yes.
FRONT END
No. No no no.
BOTH
No no no no no no. Nope. No.
AINSWORTH
Why did you say 'yes'?
FRONT END
I didn't.
AINSWORTH
I'm not talking to you...
REAR END
Er... er...
AINSWORTH
Right! Search the thicket.
FRONT END
Oh come on, I mean do we look like the sort of chaps who'd creep into
a camp at... night, steal into someone's tent, anesthetize them,
tissue-type them, amputate a leg and run away with it?
AINSWORTH
Search the thicket!
FRONT END
Oh *leg*! You're looking for a *leg*. Actually I think there is one in
there somewhere. Somebody must have abandoned it here, knowing you
were coming after it, and we stumbled across it actually and wondered
what it was... They'll be miles away by now and I expect we'll have to
take all the blame.
[During the last exchange a native turns and leers at the camera,
while the dialogue continues behind him. Then he unzips his body to
reveal a fully dressed white announcer in dinner jacket and bow tie
underneath.]
ZULU ANNOUNCER
Hallo, good evening and welcome to the Middle of the Film.
LADY TV PRESENTER
Hallo and welcome to the Middle of the Film. The moment where we take
a break and invite you, the audience, to join us, the film-makers, in
'Find the Fish'. We're going to show you a scene from another film and
ask you to guess where the fish is. But if you think you know, don't
keep it to yourselves - YELL OUT - so that all the cinema can hear
you. So here we are with 'Find the Fish'.
THE
MIDDLE
OF THE FILM
FIND THE FISH
MAN
I wonder where that fish has gone.
WOMAN
You did love it so. You looked after it like a son.
MAN
[strangely] And it went wherever I did go.
WOMAN
Is it in the cupboard?
AUDIENCE
Yes! No!
WOMAN
Wouldn't you like to know. It was a lovely little fish.
MAN
[strangely] And it went wherever I did go.
MAN IN AUDIENCE
It's behind the sofa!
[An elephant joins the man and woman.]
WOMAN
Where can the fish be?
MAN IN AUDIENCE
Have you thought of the drawers in the bureau?
WOMAN
It is a most elusive fish.
MAN
[strangely] And it went wherever I did go!
WOMAN
Oh fishy, fishy, fishy, fish.
MAN
Fish, fish, fish, fishy oh!
WOMAN
Oh fishy, fishy, fishy fish.
MAN
[strangely] That went wherever I did go.
FIRST FISH
That was terrific!
SECOND FISH
Great!
THIRD FISH
Best bit so far.
FISHES
Yeah! Absolutely... ! Terrific! Yeah!... Fantastic... Really great
[Whistles 'More'... Pause.]
FIFTH FISH
They haven't said much about the Meaning of Life so far, have they...?
FIRST FISH
Well, it's been building up to it.
SECOND FISH
Has it?
FIFTH FISH
yeah, I expect they'll get on to it now.
THIRD FISH
Personally I very much doubt if they're going to say anything about
the Meaning of Life at all.
FOURTH FISH
Oh, come on... they've got to say something...
Other fishes: ... Bound to... yeah... yeah...
[They swim around a bit.]
SECOND FISH
Not much happening at the moment, is there...?
THE MEANING OF LIFE
-------------------
PART IV
MIDDLE AGE
[A hotel lobby. The lift doors open.]
[Mrs. Hendy is bending down in front of Mr. Hendy, doing something of
an intimate nature to his camera lens.]
MR. HENDY
Oh that's much better. Thank you honey.
MRS. HENDY
You're welcome.
MR. HENDY
It was sort of misty before. That's fine.
[A strange girl in a crinoline steps forward. This is M'Lady
Joeline. played by Mr. Gilliam.]
JOELINE
Hi! How are you?
MR. HENDY
We're just fine.
JOELINE
So what kind of food you like to eat this evening?
MR. HENDY
Well we sort of like pineapples...
MRS. HENDY
Yeah anything with pineapples in is great for us...
JOELINE
Well, how about the Dungeon Room?
MR. HENDY
Oh that sounds fine...
JOELINE
Sure is. It's real Hawaiian food served in an authentic medieval
English dungeon atmosphere...
[Suddenly a red hot brand sears the flesh of some poor wretch. This is
the restaurant. Dark, full of torture instruments, stocks, Chamber of
Horrors stuff.]
[They sit down. A waitress dressed in a grotesque travesty of a
Beefeater's outfit, comes up.]
WAITRESS
Hello, I'm Diana, I'm your waitress for tonight... Where are you from?
MR. and MRS. HENDY
We're from Room 259.
MR. HENDY
Where are you from?
WAITRESS
[pointing to kitchen] Oh I'm from the doors over there...
MR. HENDY
Oh.
MRS. HENDY
Great...
WAITRESS
[reaching across to the central serving table] Iced Water...
MRS. HENDY
Oh thank you...
WAITRESS
Coffee...
MR. HENDY
Than you *very* much...
WAITRESS
Ketchup...
MR. HENDY
Oh lovely... real nice
WAITRESS
T.V....?
MR. HENDY
Oh... that's fine...
MRS. HENDY
Yeah that's swell
[The Waitress dumps a T.V. down on the table.]
WAITRESS
Telephone...
MR. HENDY
Er... telephone...?
WAITRESS
You can phone any other table in the restaurant after six.
MR. HENDY
Oh that's great...
MRS. HENDY
Some choice...
MR. HENDY
Yeah, right...
WAITRESS
O.K.... D'you want any food with your meal?
MR. HENDY
Well, what d'you have?
WAITRESS
Well we have things shaped like this in green or we have things shaped
like that in brown...
MR. HENDY
What d'you think darling?
MRS. HENDY
Well it *is* our anniversary, Marvin...
MR. HENDY
Yeah... what the hell... we'll have a couple of the things shaped like
that in brown, please...
WAITRESS
O.K. fine... thank you sir... [She writes]... 2 brown Number
259... and will you be having intercourse tonight...?
MR. HENDY
Er... do we have to decide now...?
MRS. HENDY
Sounds a good idea honey. I mean it sounds swell. I mean why not?
MR. HENDY
Yeah, right... could be fun...
[Waitress takes out a condom and slaps it on the table.]
WAITRESS
Compliments of the Super Inn - Have a nice fuck!
MR. HENDY
Oh, thank you.
WAITRESS
You're welcome...
[She leaves.]
MR. HENDY
[reads:] 'Super Inn Skins' - that's nice.
[Suddenly a Hawaiian band comes through the door and surrounds
Mr. and Mrs. Hendy at their table, before leaving them to their own
devices, which are not many. There is a long silence.]
WAITER
Good evening... would you care for something to talk about?
[He hands them each a menu card with a list of subjects on.]
MR. HENDY
Oh that would be wonderful.
WAITER
Our special tonight is minorities...
MR. HENDY
Oh that sounds interesting...
MRS. HENDY
What's this conversation here...?
WAITER
Oh that's football... you can talk about the Steelers-Bears game,
Saturday... or you could reminisce about really great World Series -
MRS. HENDY
No... no, no.
MR. HENDY
What's this one here?
WAITER
That's philosophy.
MRS. HENDY
Is that a sport?
WAITER
No it's more of an attempt to construct a viable hypothesis to explain
the Meaning of Life.
[The fish in the tank suddenly prick up their fins.]
FISH
What's he say, eh?
MR. HENDY
Oh that sounds wonderful... Would you like to talk about the Meaning
of Life, darling...?
MRS. HENDY
Sure, why not?
WAITER
Philosophy for two?
MR. HENDY
Right...
WAITER
You folks want me to start you off?
MR. HENDY
Oh really we'd appreciate that...
WAITER
OK. Well er... look, have you ever wondered just why you're here?
MR. HENDY
Well... we went to Miami last year and California the year before
that, and we've...
WAITER
No, no... I mean why *we're* here. On this planet?
MR. HENDY
[guardedly]... N... n... nope.
WAITER
Right! Have you ever *wanted* to know what it's all about?
MR. HENDY
[emphatically] No!
WAITER
Right ho! Well, see, throughout history there have been certain men
and women who have tried to find the solution to the mysteries of
existence.
MRS. HENDY
Great.
WAITER
And we call these guys 'philosophers'.
MRS. HENDY
And that's what we're talking about!
WAITER
Right!
MRS. HENDY
That's neat!
WAITER
Well you look like you're getting the idea, so why don't I give you
these conversation cards - they'll tell you a little about
philosophical method, names of famous philosophers... there
y'are. Have a nice conversation!
MR. HENDY
Thank you! Thank you very much.
[He leaves.]
MRS. HENDY
He's cute.
MR. HENDY
Yeah, real understanding.
[They sit and look at the cards, then rather formally and uncertainly
Mrs. Hendy opens the conversation.]
MRS. HENDY
Oh! I never knew that *Schopenhauer* was a *philosopher*...
MR. HENDY
Oh yeah... He's the one that begins with an S.
MRS. HENDY
Oh...
MR. HENDY
... Um [pause]... like Nietzsche...
MRS. HENDY
Does Nietzsche begin with an S?
MR. HENDY
There's an S in Nietzsche...
MRS. HENDY
Oh wow! Yes there is. Do all philosophers have an S in them?
MR. HENDY
Yeah I think most of them do.
MRS. HENDY
Oh!... Does that mean Selina Jones is a philosopher?
MR. HENDY
Yeah... Right, she could be... she sings about the Meaning of Life.
MRS. HENDY
Yeah, that's right, but I don't think she writes her own material.
MR. HENDY
No. Maybe Schopenhauer writes her material?
MRS. HENDY
No... Burt Bacharach writes is.
MR. HENDY
There's no 'S' in Burt Bacharach...
MRS. HENDY
... Or in Hal David...
MR. HENDY
Who's Hal David?
MRS. HENDY
He writes the lyrics, Burt just writes the tunes... only now he's
married to Carole Bayer Sager...
MR. HENDY
Oh... Waiter... this conversation isn't very good.
WAITER
Oh, I'm sorry, sir... We *do* have one today that's not on the
menu. It's a sort of... er... speciality of the house. Live Organ
Transplants.
MRS. HENDY
Live Organ Transplants? What's *that*?
THE MEANING OF LIFE
-------------------
PART V
LIVE ORGAN TRANSPLANTS
[A photo of the Emperor Haile Selassie hangs on the wall of a suburban
house. Upstairs 'Hava Nagila' is being played on a lone violin. The
door bell rings.]
MR. BLOKE
Don't worry dear, I'll get it!
[He opens the door.]
MR. BLOKE
Yes!
FIRST MAN
Hello, er can we have your liver...?
MR. BLOKE
My what?
FIRST MAN
Your liver... it's a large glandular organ in your abdomen... you know
it's a reddish-brown and it's sort of -
MR. BLOKE
Yes, I know what it is, but I'm using it.
SECOND MAN
Come on sir... don't muck us about.
[They move in.]
MR. BLOKE
Hey!
[They shut the door behind him.]
[The first man makes a grab at his wallet and finds a card in it.]
FIRST MAN
Hallo! What's this then...?
MR. BLOKE
A liver donor's card.
FIRST MAN
Need we say more?
SECOND MAN
No!
MR. BLOKE
Look, I can't give it to you now. It says 'In The Event of Death'...
FIRST MAN
No-one who has ever had their liver taken out by us has survived...
[The second man is rummaging around in a bag of clanking tools.]
SECOND MAN
Just lie there, sir. it won't take a minute.
[They throw him onto the dining room table and, without any more
ceremony, start to cut him open. A rather severe lady appears at the
door.]
MRS. BLOKE
'Ere, what's going on?
FIRST MAN
He's donating his liver, madam...
MR. BLOKE
Aarrgh... oh!... aaargh ow! Ow!
MRS. BLOKE
Is this because he took out one of those silly cards?
FIRST MAN
That's right, madam.
MR. BLOKE
Ow! Ooooh! Oohh! Oh... oh... God... aaargh aaargh...
MRS. BLOKE
Typical of him. He goes down to the public library - sees a few signs
up... comes home all full of good intentions. He gives blood... he
does cold research... all that sort of thing.
MR. BLOKE
Aaargh... oh... aaarghh!
MRS. BLOKE
What d'you do with them all anyway?
SECOND MAN
They all go to saving lives, madam.
MR. BLOKE
Aaaaargh! Oh... ow! Oh... oh my God!
MRS. BLOKE
That's what *he* used to say... it's all for the good of the country,
he used to say.
MR. BLOKE
Aaargh!... Ow! Ooh!
MRS. BLOKE
D'*you* think it's *all* for the good of the country?
FIRST MAN
Uh?
MRS. BLOKE
D'*you* think it's *all* for the good of the country?
FIRST MAN
Well I wouldn't know about that, madam...we're just doing our jobs,
you know...
MR. BLOKE
Owwwwweeeeeeeeeh! Ow!
MRS. BLOKE
You're not doctors, then?
FIRST MAN
Oh!... Blimey no...!
[The second man grins and raises his eyes as he digs around in the
stomach. They laugh. A head comes round the door... It's a young man.]
YOUNG MAN
Mum, Dad,... I'm off out... now. I'll see you about seven...
MRS. BLOKE
Righto, son... look after yourself.
MR. BLOKE
Aaargh... ow! Oh... aaargh aaargh!
MRS. BLOKE
D'you er... fancy a cup of tea...?
FIRST MAN
Oh well, that would be very nice, yeah... Thank you, thank you very
much madam. Thank you. [Aside.] I thought she'd never ask...
[She takes him into the kitchen... shuts the door. She bustles about
preparing the tea...] You do realize... he has to
be... well... dead... by the terms of the card... before he donates
his liver.
MRS. BLOKE
Well I told him that... but he never listens to me... silly man.
FIRST MAN
Only... I was wondering what you was thinking of doing after that... I
mean... will you stay on your own or... is there someone else... sort
of... on the horizon...?
MRS. BLOKE
I'm too old for that sort of thing. I'm past my prime...
FIRST MAN
Not at all... you're a very attractive woman.
MRS. BLOKE
[laughs a little] Well... I'm certainly not thinking of getting
hitched up again...
FIRST MAN
Sure?
MRS. BLOKE
Sure.
FIRST MAN
[coming a little closer] Can we have your liver then?
MRS. BLOKE
No... I don't want to die.
FIRST MAN
Oh come on, it's perfectly natural. Only take a couple of minutes.
MRS. BLOKE
Oh... I'd be scared.
FIRST MAN
All right, I'll tell you what. Look, listen to this -
[A man in pink evening dress emerges from the fridge.]
MAN IN PINK EVENING DRESS
Whenever life gets you down, Mrs. Brown And things seem hard or tough
And people are stupid obnoxious or daft And you feel that you've had
quite enough...
[As he starts to sing, the wall of the kitchen disintegrates to reveal
a magnificent night sky. The vocalist in pink escorts Mrs. Bloke up
into the stars.]
Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving
And revolving at 900 miles an hour,
That's orbiting at 19 miles a second, so it's reckoned,
A sun that is the source of all our power.
The sun and you and me and all the stars that we can see,
Are moving at a million miles a day
In an outer spiral arm, at 40,000 miles an hour,
Of the galaxy we call the Milky Way.
Our galaxy itself contains 100 billion stars
It's 100,000 light years side to side.
It bulges in the middle, 16,000 light years thick
But out by us its just 3,000 light years wide
We're 30,000 light years from galactic central point,
We go round every 200 million years
And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions
In this amazing and expanding Universe.
The Universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding
In all of the directions it can whiz
As fast as it can go, at the speed of light you know,
12 million miles a minute, and that's the fastest speed there is.
So remember when you're feeling very small and insecure
How amazingly unlikely is your birth
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space
Because there' bugger all down here on earth.
[The vocalist in pink climbs back into the fridge and the door slams to.]
MRS. BLOKE
Makes you feel so sort of insignificant, doesn't it?
FIRST MAN
Yeah yeah... Can we have your liver, then?
MRS. BLOKE
Yeah. All right, you talked me into it.
FIRST MAN
Eric!
[A lettering artist is just finishing painting the words 'Liver
Donors inc.' onto a wall plaque enumerating all the subsidiaries of
the Very Big Corporation of America.]
CHAIRMAN
[of the Very Big Corporation of America]... which brings us once again
to the urgent realization of just how much there is still left to
own. Item 6 on the Agenda, the Meaning of Life... Now Harry, you've
had some thoughts on this...
HARRY
That's right, yeah. I've had a team working on this over the past few
weeks, and what we've come up with can be reduced to two fundamental
concepts... One... people are not wearing enough hats. Two... matter
is energy; in the Universe there are many energy fields which we
cannot normally perceive. Some energies have a spiritual source which
act upon a person's soul. However, this soul does not exist *ab
inito*, as orthodox Christianity teaches; it has to be brought into
existence by a process of guided self-observation. However, this is
rarely achieved owing to man's unique ability to be distracted from
spiritual matters by everyday trivia.
[Pause.]
MAX
What was that about hats again?
HARRY
Er... people aren't wearing enough.
CHAIRMAN
Is this true?
EDMUND
[who is sitting next to Harry] Certainly. Hat sales have increased,
but not *pari passu... as our research -
BERT
When you say 'enough', enough for what purpose...?
GUNTHER
Can I ask with reference to your second point, when you say souls
don't develop because people become distracted... has anyone noticed
that building there before?
[They all turn towards the window to see a building approaching or
sliding into position outside.]
ALL
Gulp! What? Good Lord!
THE CRIMSON
PERMANENT ASSURANCE
A tale of piracy
on the high seas
of finance
London, England
In the bleak days of 1983, as England languished in the doldrums of a
ruinous monetarist policy, the good and loyal men of the Permanent
Assurance Company - a once-proud family firm recently fallen an hard
times - strained under the yoke of their oppressive new corporate
management...
Pushed beyond the bounds of decent and reasonable victimization - the
aged retainers take their destiny in their own hands and... MUTINY!
And so - the Crimson Permanent Assurance was launched upon the high
seas of international finance!
There it lay, the prize they sought - the richest jewel in the crown
of the IMF - a financial district swollen with multinationals,
conglomerates and fat, bloated merchant banks.
Hidden behind the faceless towering canyons of glass, the world of
high finance sat smug and self-satisfied as their future, in the shape
of their past, slipped silently through the streets - returning to
wreak a terrible revenge.
Adopting, adapting, and improving traditional business practices the
Permanent Assurance puts into motion an audacious and totally
unsuspected Take Over Bid.
And so, heartened by their initial success, the desperate and
reasonably violent men of the Permanent Assurance battled on,
until... as the sun set slowly in the west the outstanding return on
their bold business venture became apparent... the once proud
financial giants lay in ruins - their assets stripped - their policies
in tatters.
[They sing]
It's fun charter an accountant
And sail the wide accountan-cy,
To find, explore the funds offshore
And skirt the shoals of bankruptcy.
It can be manly in insurance:
We'll up your premium semi-annually,
It's all tax-deductible,
We're fairly incorruptible,
Sailing on the wide accountan-cy!
And so... they sailed off into the ledgers of history - one by one the
financial capitals of the world crumbling under the might of their
business acumen - or so it would have been... if certain modern
theories concerning the shape of the world had not proved to
be... disastrously wrong.
THE MEANING OF LIFE
-------------------
PART VI
THE AUTUMN YEARS
[Elegant restaurant. A man in a dressing gown, who is not Noel Coward
sits at a piano.]
NOT NOEL COWARD
Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Here's a little number I tossed off
recently in the Caribbean. [Sings]
Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis,
Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong?
It's swell to have a stiffy,
It's divine to own a dick,
From the tiniest little tadger,
To the world's biggest prick.
So three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas,
Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake,
Your piece of pork, your wife's best friend,
Your Percy or your cock,
You can wrap it up in ribbons,
You can slip it in your sock,
But don't take it out in public,
Or they will stick you in the dock,
And you won't come back.
[Spontaneous applause breaks out all over the restaurant.]
Oh... thank you very much.
WOMAN
Oh what a frightfully witty song.
[Clapping.]
[Mr. Creosote enters.]
FIRST FISH
[in tank] Oh shit! It's Mr. creosote.
[All the fish disappear with six flicks of the tail.]
MAITRE D.
Ah good afternoon, sir, and how are we today?
MR. CREOSOTE
Better...
MAITRE D.
Better?
MR. CREOSOTE
Better get a bucket, I'm going to throw up.
MAITRE D.
Gaston! A bucket for monsieur!
[They seat him at his usual table. A gleaming silver bucket is placed
beside him and he leans over and throws up into it.]
MAITRE D.
Merci Gaston.
[He claps his hands and the bucket is whisked away.]
MR. CREOSOTE
I haven't finished!
MAITRE D.
Oh! Pardon! Gaston!... A thousand pardons monsieur. [Puts the bucket back.]
[The Maitre D produces the menu as Mr. Creosote continues spewing.]
MAITRE D.
Now this afternoon we monsieur's favorite - the jugged hare. The hare
is *very* high, and the sauce is very rich with truffles, anchovies,
Grand Marnier, bacon and cream.
[Mr. Creosote pauses. The Maitre D claps his hands and signs to
Gaston, who whisks away the bucket.]
MAITRE D.
Thank you, Gaston.
MR. CREOSOTE
There's still more.
[Gaston rapidly replaces the bucket.]
MAITRE D.
Allow me! A new bucket for monsieur.
[The Maitre D picks the bucket up and hands it over to
Gaston. Mr. Creosote leans over and throws up onto the floor.] And
the cleaning woman.
[Gaston hurries off. The Maitre D takes care to avoid the vomit and
places the menu in front of Mr. Creosote.] And maintenant, would
monsieur care for an aperitif?
[Creosote vomits over the menu. It is covered.]
Or would you prefer to order straight away? Today for
appetizers... er... excuse me...
[The Maitre D leans over and wipes away the sick with his hand so
that the words of the menu are readable.] ... moules marinieres, pate
de foie gras, beluga caviar, eggs Benedictine, tart de poireaux -
that's leek tart - frogs' legs amandine or oeufs de caille Richard
Shepherd - c'est a dire, little quails' eggs on a bed of pureed
mushrooms, it's very delicate, very subtle...
MR. CREOSOTE
I'll have the lot.
MAITRE D.
A wise choice, monsieur! And now, how would you like it served? All
mixed up in a bucket?
MR. CREOSOTE
Yes. With the eggs on top.
MAITRE D.
But of course, avec les oeufs frites.
MR. CREOSOTE
And don't skimp on the pate.
MAITRE D.
Oh monsieur I can assure you, just because it is mixed up with all the
other things we would not dream of giving you less than the full
amount. In fact I will personally make sure you have a *double*
helping. Maintenant quelque chose a boire - something to drink,
monsieur?
MR. CREOSOTE
Yeah, six bottles of Chateau Latour '45 and a double Jeroboam of
champagne.
MAITRE D.
Bon, and the usual brown ales...?
MR. CREOSOTE
Yeah... No wait a minute... I think I can only manage six crates
today.
MAITRE D.
Tut tut tut! I hope monsieur was not overdoing it last night...?
MR. CREOSOTE
Shut up!
MAITRE D.
D'accord. Ah the new bucket and the cleaning woman.
[Gaston arrives. The Cleaning Woman gets down on her hands and
knees. Mr. Creosote vomits over her.]
[Some guests at another table start to leave. The Maitre D
approaches.]
MAITRE D.
Monsieur, is there something wrong with the food?
[The Maitre D indicates the table of half-eaten main courses. The
guests shrink from his vomit-covered hand. The Maitre D realizes and
shakes a little off. It hits another guest, who wipes his eye.]
GUEST
No. The food was... excellent...
MAITRE D.
Perhaps you are not happy with the service?
GUEST
Er no... no... no complaints.
GUEST'S WIFE
It's just we have to go - um - I'm having rather a heavy period.
[A slight embarrassed silence while the rest of the party look at
her.]
GUEST
And... we... have a train to catch.
GUEST'S WIFE
[as if covering for her previous gaffe] Oh! Yes! Yes... of course! We
have a train to catch... and I don't want to start bleeding over the
seats.
[An awkward pause. The Maitre D gropes for words.]
GUEST
Perhaps we should be going...
[They start to go. The Maitre D follows.]
MAITRE D.
Very well, monsieur. Thank you so much, so nice to see you and I hope
very much we will see you again very soon. Au revoir, monsieur.
[He pauses. A look of awful realization suffuses his face.]
MAITRE D.
... Oh dear... I've trodden in monsieur's bucket.
[The Maitre D claps his hands.]
Another bucket for monsieur...
[Mr. Creosote is sick down the Maitre D's trousers.]
and perhaps a hose...
[Someone at another table gently throws up.]
COMPANION
Oh Max, really!
[At another table someone else has really thrown up all over the
place. His mother and brother look at him incredulously. Meanwhile
Mr. Creosote has scoffed the lot. The Maitre D approaches him with a
silver tray.]
MAITRE D.
And finally, monsieur, a wafer-thin mint.
MR. CREOSOTE
No.
MAITRE D.
Oh sir! It's only a tiny little thin one.
MR. CREOSOTE
No. Fuck off - I'm full... [Belches]
MAITRE D.
Oh sir... it's only *wafer* thin.
MR. CREOSOTE
Look - I couldn't eat another thing. I'm absolutely stuffed. Bugger
off.
MAITRE D.
Oh sir, just... just *one*...
MR. CREOSOTE
Oh all right. Just one.
MAITRE D.
Just the one, sir... voila... bon appetit...
[Mr. Creosote somehow manages to stuff the wafer-thin mint into his
mouth and then swallows. The Maitre D takes a flying leap and cowers
behind some potted plants. There is an ominous splitting
sound. Mr. Creosote looks rather helpless and then he explodes,
covering waiters, diners, and technicians in a truly horrendous mix of
half digested food, entrails and parts of his body. People start
vomiting.]
MAITRE D.
[returns to Mr. Creosote's table] Thank you, sir, and now the check.
THE MEANING OF LIFE
___________________
PART VI B
THE MEANING OF LIFE
[Some time later.]
[The Cleaning Woman is still on her knees, cleaning up the remains of
Mr. Creosote. The Maitre D lights up a cigarette in pensive mood.]
MAITRE D.
You know, Maria, I sometimes wonder whether we'll ever discover the
meaning of it all working in a place like this.
MARIA
[shrugs] Oh, I've worked in worse places... philosophically speaking.
MAITRE D.
Really, Maria?
MARIA
Yes... I used to work in the Academie Francaise But it didn't do me
any good at all... And I once worked in the library in the Prado in
Madrid, But it didn't teach me nothing, I recall... And the Library of
Congress, you'd have thought would hold some key... But it didn't. And
neither did the Bodleian Library. In the British Museum I hoped to
find some clue, I worked there from 9 till 6 - read every volume
through, But it didn't teach me nothing about Life's mystery... I just
kept getting older, and it got more difficult to see. Until eventually
me eyes went and me arthritis got bad, And so now I'm cleaning up in
here - but I can't really be sad, Cause you see I feel that Life's a
game You sometimes win or lose, And though I may be down right now At
least I don't work for Jews...
[The Maitre D pours the bucket over her head and turns to the camera
looking most upset.]
MAITRE D.
I'm so sorry... I had no idea we had a racist working here... I
apologize... most sincerely... I mean... where are you going - I can
explain... oh, quel dommage...
[The camera pans off the Maitre D and alights on Gaston, smoking a
cigarette.]
GASTON
As for me... if you want to know what I think... I'll show you
something... come with me...
MAITRE D.
[out of shot] I was saying that - hallo... hallo...
GASTON
Come on... this way.
[He nods to the camera and walks out of the restaurant and the camera
follows him.]
VOICE OF MAITRE D.
I can explain everything.
GASTON
Come on - don't be shy. Mind the stairs... All right. I think this
will help explain.
[He walks through the town.]
GASTON
Come along... Come along... Over here... Come on... Come on... This
way... Come on... Stay by me, uh? Nearly there now.
[Eventually Gaston comes over a hill and nods down to a little
thatched cottage nestling idyllically in a valley. Smoke rises up from
the chimney.]
You see that? That's where I was born. You know, one day, when I was
a little boy, my mother she took me on her knee and she said: 'Gaston,
my son. The world is a beautiful place. You must go into it, and love
everyone, not hate people. You must try and make everyone happy, and
bring peace and contentment everywhere you go.' And so... I became a
waiter...
[There is a rather long pause, while he looks a bit self-deprecating
and nods shyly at the live.]
Well... it's... it's not much of a philosophy, I know... but...
well... fuck you... I can live my own life in my own way if I want
to. Fuck off! Don't come following me!
THE MEANING OF LIFE
-------------------
PART VII
DEATH
DISTRAUGHT MALE VOICE
I just can't go on. I'm not good any more,
goodbye... goodbye... aaaargh!... Aaargh!
[A leaf falls to the ground.]
DISTRAUGHT FEMALE VOICE
Oh my God! What'll I do!? I can't live without him... I... aaaargh!
[Another leaf falls.]
DISTRAUGHT CHILDREN'S VOICES
Mummy... Mummy... Mummy... Daddy...
[Two more leaves fall.]
MORE DISTRAUGHT VOICES
Oh no! Aaargh!
[All the remaining leaves fall with one accord.]
This man is about to die. In a few moments now he will be killed. For
Arthur Jarrett is a convicted criminal who has been allowed to choose
the manner of his own execution.
GOVERNOR
Arthur Charles Herbert Runcie MacAdam Jarrett, you have been convicted
by twelve good persons and true, of the crime of first degree making
of gratuitous sexist jokes in a moving picture.
PADRE
Ashes to ashes, dust to dust...
[Ingmar Bergman now takes over the direction of the film and
re-invokes one of his greatest triumphs on a low budget. Bare
windswept trees starkly silhouetted against the... oh you know. Lots
of good sound effects, too: howling wind, howling dogs, howling
sabre-toothed field mice. Suddenly we see the Grim Reaper. He is
hooded, in a black cloak with a sackcloth jock-strap, and bearing... a
scythe.]
[He materializes outside a lowly cottage and strikes the door with
his scythe. Geoffrey, who is Marketing Director of Uro-Pacific Ltd.,
opens the door. From inside the house comes the sound of a dinner
party.]
GEOFFREY
Yes?
[Pause. The Reaper breathes death-rattlingly.]
Is it about the hedge?
[More breathing.]
Look, I'm awfully sorry but...
GRIM REAPER
I am the Grim Reaper.
GEOFFREY
I am Death.
GEOFFREY
Yes well, the thing is, we've got some people from America for dinner
tonight...
[Geoffrey's wife, Angela is coming to see who is at the door. She calls:]
ANGELA
Who is it, darling?
GEOFFREY
It's a Mr. Death or something... he's come about the reaping... [To
Reaper.] I don't think we need any at the moment.
ANGELA
[appearing] Hallo. Well don't leave him hanging around outside
darling, ask him in.
GEOFFREY
Darling, I don't think it's quite the moment...
ANGELA
Do come in, come along in, come and have a drink, do. Come on...
[She returns to her guests.]
It's one of the little men from the village... Do come in,
please. This is Howard Katzenberg from Philadelphia...
KATZENBERG
Hi.
ANGELA
And his wife, Debbie.
DEBBIE
Hallo there.
ANGELA
And these are the Portland-Smythes, Jeremy and Fiona.
FIONA
Good evening.
ANGELA
This is Mr. Death.
[There is a slightly awkward pause.]
Well do get Mr. Death a drink, darling.
[The Grim Reaper looks a little startled.]
ANGELA
Mr. Death is a reaper.
GRIM REAPER
The Grim Reaper.
ANGELA
Hardly surprising in this weather, ha ha ha...
KATZENBERG
So you still reap around here do you, Mr. Death?
GRIM REAPER
I am the Grim Reaper.
GEOFFREY
[sotto voce] That's about all he says... [Loudly] There's your drink,
Mr. Death.
ANGELA
Do sit down.
DEBBIE
We were just talking about some of the awful problems facing the -
[The Grim Reaper knocks the glass off the table. Startled silence.]
ANGELA
Would you prefer white? I'm afraid we don't have any beer.
JEREMY
The Stilton's awfully good.
GRIM REAPER
I am not of this world.
[He walks into the middle of the table. There is a sharp intake of
breath all round.]
GEOFFREY
Good Lord!
[The penny is beginning to drop.]
GRIM REAPER
I am Death.
DEBBIE
[nervously] Well isn't that extraordinary? We were just talking about
death only five minutes ago.
ANGELA
[even more nervously] Yes we were. You know, whether death is
really... the end...
DEBBIE
As my husband, Howard here, feels... or whether there is... and one so
hates to use words like 'soul' or 'spirit'...
JEREMY
But what *other* words can one use...
GEOFFREY
Exactly...
GRIM REAPER
You do not understand.
DEBBIE
Ah no... obviously not...
KATZENBERG
Let me tell you something, Mr. Death...
GRIM REAPER
You do not understand!
KATZENBERG
Just one moment. I would like to express on behalf of everyone here,
what a really unique experience this is...
JEREMY
Hear hear.
ANGELA
Yes, we're *so* delighted that you dropped in, Mr. Death...
KATZENBERG
Can I finish please...
DEBBIE
Mr. Death... is there an after-life?
KATZENBERG
Dear, if you could just wait please a moment...
ANGELA
Are you sure you wouldn't like some sherry?
KATZENBERG
Angela, I'd like just to say at this time...
GRIM REAPER
Be quiet!
KATZENBERG
Can I just say this at this time, please...
GRIM REAPER
Silence!!! I have come for you.
[Pause as this sinks in. Sidelong glance. A stifled fart.]
ANGELA
... You mean to...
GRIM REAPER
... Take you away. That is my purpose. I am Death.
GEOFFREY
Well that's cast rather a gloom over the evening hasn't it?
KATZENBERG
I don't see it that way, Geoff. Let me tell you what I think we're
dealing with here, a potentially positive learning experience...
GRIM REAPER
Shut up! Shut up you American. You always talk, you Americans, you
talk and you talk and say 'Let me tell you something' and 'I just
wanna say this', Well you're dead now, so shut up.
KATZENBERG
Dead?
GRIM REAPER
Dead.
ANGELA
All of us??
GRIM REAPER
All of you.
GEOFFREY
Now look here. You barge in here, quite uninvited, break glasses and
then announce quite casually that we're all dead. Well I would remind
you that you are a guest in this house and...
[The Grim Reaper pokes him in the eye.]
GRIM REAPER
Be quiet! You Englishmen... You're all so fucking pompous and none of
you have got any balls.
DEBBIE
Can I ask you a question?
GRIM REAPER
What?
DEBBIE
... How can we all have died at the *same* time?
GRIM REAPER
[pointing] The salmon mousse! [They all goggle.]
GEOFFREY
[to Angela] Darling, you didn't use tinned salmon did you?
ANGELA
[unbelievably embarrassed] I'm most dreadfully embarrassed...
GRIM REAPER
Now, the time has come. Follow... follow me...
[Geoffrey suddenly runs forward with a revolver. He looses four shots
at the Grim Reaper from about three feet. They pass through
him. Pause. Everyone is rather embarrassed.]
GEOFFREY
Sorry... Just... testing... Sorry... [He sits.]
GRIM REAPER
Come! [Out of their bodies, spirit forms arise and follow the Grim
Reaper.]
ANGELA
The fishmonger promised me he'd have some fresh salmon and he's
normally *so* reliable...
JEREMY
Can we bring our glasses?
FIONA
Good idea.
DEBBIE
Hey I didn't even eat the mousse... [They follow the Grim Reaper out
of the house.]
ANGELA
Honestly, darling, I'm so embarrassed... I mean to serve salmon with
botulism at a dinner party is social death...
JEREMY
Shall we take our cars?
GEOFFREY
Why not?
[Slightly to the Grim Reaper's surprise, they follow him up to heaven
in a Porsche, a Jensen and a Volvo.]
GRIM REAPER
Behold... Paradise!
[Heaven bears a striking resemblance to a Holiday Inn.]
MR. HENDY
I love it here, darling.
MRS. HENDY
Me too, Marvin.
RECEPTIONIST
Hello. Welcome to Heaven. Excuse me, could you just sign here, please
sir? Thank you. There's a table for you through there in the
restaurant. For the ladies...
FIONA
[reading the box of chocolates that has been handed to her]
'After Life Mints'.
RECEPTIONIST
Happy Christmas.
DEBBIE
Oh is it Christmas today?
RECEPTIONIST
Of course madam, it's Christmas, *every* day, in Heaven.
DEBBIE
How about that?
[A restaurant in Heaven. It is full of all the characters who have
died in the film. Plus some of the naked girls, because... well, we
don't have to give a reason, do we?]
TONY BENNETT
Good evening ladies and gentlemen, it's truly a real honourable
experience to be here this evening a very wonderful and emotional
moment for all of us, and I'd like to sing a song for all of you:
[sings]
It's Christmas in Heaven: all the children sing
It's Christmas in Heaven
Hark hark those church bells ring'
It's Christmas in Heaven
The snow falls from the sky...
But it's nice and warm and everyone
Looks smart and wears a tie
It's Christmas in Heaven
There's great films on TV...
'The Sound of Music' *twice* an hour
And 'Jaws' I, II, *and* III
There's gifts for all the family
There' toiletries and trains...
There's Sony Walkman Headphones sets
And the latest video games!
It's Christmas It's Christmas in Heaven
Hip hip hip hip hip hooray
Every single day
Is Christmas Day!
It's Christmas It's Christmas in Heaven
Hip hip hip hip hip hooray
Every single day
Is Christmas Day!'
[But before we get to the end of this chorus the TV set is switched
off and the whole picture collapses into a little spot and we pull out
to find that we have been watching a TV set in front of the Middle of
the Film lady.]
THE END
OF THE FILM
LADY PRESENTER
[briskly] Well, that's the End of the Film, now here's the Meaning of
Life.
[An envelope is handed to her. She opens it in a business-like way.]
Thank you Brigitte. [She reads.]... Well, it's nothing special. Try
and be nice to people, avoid eating fat, read a good book every now
and then, get some walking in and try and live together in peace and
harmony with people of all creeds and nations. And finally, here are
some completely gratuitous pictures of penises to annoy the censors
and to hopefully spark some sort of controversy which it seems is the
only way these days to get the jaded video-sated public off their
fucking arses and back in the sodding cinema. Family entertainment
bollocks! What they want is filth, people doing things to each other
with chainsaws during tupperware parties, babysitters being stabbed
with knitting needles by gay presidential candidates, vigilante groups
strangling chickens, armed bands of theater critics exterminating
mutant goats - where's the fun in pictures? Oh well, there we are -
here's the theme music. Good night.
CAST IN ORDER OF APPEARANCE
THE MEANING OF LIFE
First Fish Graham Chapman
Second Fish John Cleese
Third Fish Terry Gilliam
Fourth Fish Eric Idle
Fifth Fish Terry Jones
Sixth Fish Michael Palin
Creosotish Man George Silver
Singer 'Meaning of Life' Eric Idle
Mrs. Moore Valerie Whittington
First Nurse Judy Loe
Second Nurse Imogen Bickford Smith
First Doctor Graham Chapman
Second Doctor John Cleese
Mr. Moore Eric Idle
Administrator Michael Palin
Dad Michael Palin
Mum Terry Jones
Priest Terry Jones
Bride Jennifer Franks
Groom Andrew Maclachlan
Mr. Blackitt Graham Chapman
Mrs. Blackitt Eric Idle
Martin Luther Terry Jones
Hymie Michael Palin
Mamie Graham Chapman
Daughters Victoria Plum Anne Rosenfield
Headmaster John Cleese
Chaplain Michael Palin
Wymer Graham Chapman
Biggs Terry Jones
Carter Michael Palin
Watson Eric Idle
Mrs. Williams Patricia Quinn
Captain Biggs Terry Jones
Blackitt Eric Idle
Spadger Michael Palin
Walters Terry Gilliam
Sturridge John Cleese
Hordern Graham Chapman
General Graham Chapman
R.S.M. Michael Palin
Atkinson Eric Idle
Coles Graham Chapman
Wycliff Andrew Maclachlan
Pakenham-Walsh Michael Palin
Ainsworth John Cleese
Chadwick Simon Jones
Perkins Eric Idle
Livingstone Graham Chapman
Sergeant Terry Jones
Another Cheery
Cockney Andrew Maclachlan
A Severed Head Mark Holmes
Another Terrible
Casualty Eric Idle
Front End Eric Idle
Rear End Michael Palin
Zulu Announcer Terry Gilliam
Lady Presenter Michael Palin
Man with
Bendy Arms Terry Jones
Woman Graham Chapman
Troll with a Tray Mark Holmes
Mr. Hendy Michael Palin
Mrs. Hendy Eric Idle
Joeline Terry Gilliam
Waitress Carol Cleveland
Waiter John Cleese
Mr. Bloke Terry Gilliam
First Man John Cleese
Second Man Graham Chapman
Mrs. Bloke Terry Jones
Young Man Peter Lovstrom
Distinguished
Vocalist in Pink Eric Idle
Noel Coward* Eric Idle
Mr. Creosote Terry Jones
Maitre D John Cleese
Gaston Eric Idle
First Guest Graham Chapman
Second Guest Mark Holmes
First Guest's Wife Carol Cleveland
Second Guest's
Wife Angela Mann
Third Guest Andrew Maclachlan
Cleaning Woman Terry Jones
Governor Michael Palin
Arthur Jarrett Graham Chapman
Padre Michael Palin
Grim Reaper John Cleese
Geoffrey Graham Chapman
Angela Eric Idle
Jeremy Simon Jones
Fiona Terry Jones
Katzenberg Terry Gilliam
Debbie Michael Palin
Receptionist Carol Cleveland
Tony Bennett** Graham Chapman
* Not *the* Noel Coward, of course
** Not *the* Tony Bennett, of course
THE CRIMSON PERMANENT ASSURANCE
Starred
Sydney Arnold Cameron Miller
Ross Davidson Paddy Ryan
Eric Francis Eric Stovell
Russell Kilminster Andrew Bicknell
Peter Merrill Tim Doublas
Larry Noble Billy John
John Scott Martin Len Marten
Guy Bertrand Gareth Milne
Myrtle Devenish Leslie Sarony
Matt Frewer Wally Thomas
Peter Mantle
Photographed by Peter Hannan B.S.C.
Edited by Julian Doyle
Production
Designer Harry Lange
Costume Designer Jim Acheson
Choreography Arlene Phillips
Makeup and Hair
Design Maggie Weston
Special Effects
Supervisor George Gibbs
Director of
Photography Roger Pratt
Art Director John Beard
Make-up Artist Elaine Carew
Hairdressers Maureen Stephenson Sallie Evans
Wardrobe Joyce Stoneman
Music John Du Prez
Transcribed by Jason R. Heimbaugh (jasonh@joker.aiss.uiuc.edu)
Spell Checked and reformatted by Nathan Mates (nathan@cco.caltech.edu)
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