College Humor

Aeronautical Engineer quotes

2. When in doubt, just wing it.
3. Being a rocket scientist is a great way to launch a career.
4. Propulsion provides the main thrust of our efforts.
5. The only restriction on the length of the landing gear is that it should hit the ground first.

Bad Grammar

Avoid commas, that aren't necessary.
Proofread you writing.
Between you and I, case is important.
Verbs has to agree with their antecedents.
When dangling, watch your participles.
Try to never split infinitives.

World History as mangled by students

The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.

College Burger Joint Conversations

M.I.T.: "I had a nervous breakdown this weekend."
"Have some fries."

Caltech: "I had three nervous breakdowns this weekend."
"Have some fries."

Brown: "I got a nose ring this weekend, Professor Smith."
"Cool! Me too! Have some fries."

Unintended Unification of College Departments

Department of Biology and Rhetoric - or "Department of Decomposition"
Department of Geology and Men's Physical Education - or "Department of Hard Knocks"
Department of Theater and Journalism - or "Show and Tell"

Stock reply letter from college kid

I've been busy:
A. arranging my sock drawer.
B. planning for my early retirement.
C. eating.
D. tying to get into grad school.

Spoofs on college names

Harvey Mudd College.
Roger Mudd College.
Harcourt Fenton Mudd College.
My Name Is Mudd College.

245 ways to annoy your roommate

4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
5. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.
6. Become a subgenius.

50 ways to be annoying in the Dining Hall

2. Don't go to the dining hall. Live there and never leave. When people come in, harass for news of the outside world and tell them how the dining hall needs new ketchup.
3. Before eating, say grace. Punctuate by slamming your face into your food.

How to deal with problems while drinking

Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault : Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution : Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

50 things to do in a final exam you're going to fail anyhow

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

Impossible Final Exams

Biology: Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English Parliamentary System. Prove your thesis.
Music: Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

Funny Definitions

Amnesia What did you just ask me?
Apathy I don't care.
Bigotry I'm not going to tell someone like you.

Stuff to do during a geology exam

Bring a pick and chisel to the exam and hammer away at any sample of rock in the room. If there are no samples, hammer on the chalk-board and calmly explain to the professor the you MUST do this in order to understand slate...
Bring a quartz crystal and pretend it's your pet. Ask the x-al exam questions and every now and then loudly exclaim, "YES! I think you're right!!!"

Why God would never receive tenure

1. He had only one major publication (and not in a refeered journal at that!).
5. The scientific community has had a hard time reproducing his results.
9. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
10. Some say he had his son teach the class.

Daily life of Grad Turkey

7:30am Wakeup and lie awake in Bed
7:31am Realize you spent $18 on last night's dinner, means no eating out for the next 6 weeks
7:45 am Ready to go to school, will shave tommorrow, will eat early brunch at (Denny's/Penny's/Lenny's/Dinko's whatever cafeteria).

New College classes

MUS147 HOW TO HUM: LECTURE AND LAB MW 10:00-10:50
HIS024 U.S. HISTORY SINCE ABOUT AN HOUR AGO TR 12:00-1:15
GEO222 COUNTRIES THAT ARE ORANGE ON MAPS MWF 2:00-2:50

New Scientific Dictionary

Activation Energy: The useful quantity of energy available in one cup of coffee.
Chemical Engineering: The practice of doing for a profit what an organic chemist only does for fun.

Parent Excuses to excuse kids from school

1. Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
2. Please excuse Diane from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

True Physics Product Disclaimers

WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.
WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them.

More practical jokes for your friends

ake one of those musical grreting cards (the type that play a song when opened) and carefully rip out the part that actually plays the music. This is only about the size of a quarter. When the victim isn't watching, plant this somwhere near him/her. Since it is so small, it is relatively easy to hide in a pocket, purse, etc. Afterwards, watch the victim become maddened by the recurrence of Jingle Bells, Happy Birthday, etc. in the background.
I was a victim of this one, and at first I thought I was hearing the muzak at the restaurant I was eating at. After I was done, I returned to my car and the music followed me. I thought I was going insane.

50 things for Profs to do on the first day of class

1. Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.
2. After confirming everyone's names on the roll, thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.

What the prof really means

You'll be using one of the leading textbooks in the field. ==> I used it as a grad student.
Some of you could have done better. ==> Everyone flunked.

A New Professor's Diary

Today was my first as a lecturer. I prepared concientiously by drinking heavily, watching lots of television and going to bed very late the preceding night
Turning up at my lecture the prescribed 1 minute late, I spoke of Yeats and the passion of his poetry.
The first year Physics students were left speechless.

Apartment Roommates & Rules

1. If someone calls while you are on the phone, do NOT answer the call waiting signals, after all your conversation to your boyfriend's, cousin's, sister's, ex-best friend's, father-in-law's, stepson is probably too important to be interrupted.

50 things for a student to do on the first day of class

1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it and saying, "Quite right, old bean!"
2. Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the overhead projector.

The student's Psalm 23

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not flunk;
He keepeth me from lying down when I should be studying.

Quotes from various teachers

*Make the proof work.* The best way to do this is to stand over with a whip. Craack! "Ow!" "Work, you lily-livered excuse for a proof!"

Things (NOT) to do at your thesis defense

6) Stage your own death/suicide.
7) Lead the specators in a Wave.
8) Have a sing-a-long.
9) "You call THAT a question? How the hell did they make you a professor?"

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